Signs you're healing from a narcissistic relationship
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
The biggest sign someone is healing is they watch Dr. Ramani...đ€·ââïž
Love this đ
There's a point when you stop watching and then that's also a sign of healing
Nope. After watching this video, I have obviously not healed at all.
@@AdelineCowgirl watch all her videos... you can get there through understanding their behavior cycles, spotting them, and learning to deal with or avoid them... I hope your journey to healing is a short one...
â@@AdelineCowgirl Time is a factor too.
I was raised by a mother narcissist. I was Pushed into a marriage with a narcissist by my mother. Divorced and married yet another violent narcissist who was very similar to my mother. When you are raised in a cage you know nothing else. I don't bother to explain to people what it is like. I am almost 70 now, a lifetime of recovery from this abuse. It is never too late for recovery, especially with patient and understanding people like Dr. Ramani, she is my voice I don't feel alone anymore.
Amen to that đ
Hallelujah đđđđ
Wise Gentle, I wish u all the best and to live a more peaceful, fulfilling life! Sending out positively and love to u!
Wonderful message, thank you. I'm 57 and only just realised in 2021, thanks to Dr Ramani that I was raised by a covert narcissist and married a malignant one . Only now does years of anorexia and alcoholism make sense. Blessings on you Dr Ramani and on all of us in recovery. I really appreciate the shared wisdom.
@@ea1112 I struggle with the borderline anorexia. I struggle to feed myself.
When I stopped feeling guilty about having boundaries⊠thatâs when I knew I was healingâŠ.
Boundaries protect us! Keep it up! I am learning that now
Me too. I made them when he came back and he started to ignore them after three weeks back I got rid of him. Hard but he crossed boundaries saying he hadn't. ( Swore at me) and didn't respect me
You are an absolute heroine Dr R! I have listened and learned and healed in many ways thanks to you
That is really right sign. To not gett feeling guilty.
So, so true!!!
24 years with my narcissist, roughly half my life! I noticed I was getting better when I take my dog for a walk alone: I used to cry and really wail so my kids wouldn't see me distressed at home. I would hang my head down low and avoid people on the walking trail. Just yesterday, I was smiling, whistling. I say hello to everyone. My head is up high. This is a small thing but important to me.
Well done âšđ
Congratulation
Amazing!
I take regular hikes alone. I used to be afraid to do something like that by myself, but the payoff is huge.
So happy for you!!!
1. I no longer cared to work on the relationship. 2. I began to focus more on my career. 3. I began to pick up on hobbies I always wanted to try. 4. I blocked him everywhere. 5. I began eating healthier and exercising again. 6. My bank account increased. 7. I started to work on a business plan for my upcoming business. 8. In the process of becoming a homeowner. â€â€â€
Good for you, keep it going.
Ooohhhhhh, I aspire to do the same as you did. Congrats for achieving it, so happy for you!!!
I gave up on having a relationship with my narc dad, what a lot less distress!
â€â€â€â€awesome
Bravo!!!! Same here :)
I knew I was part way through my recovery when I met an extreme narcissist. He started love bombing me immediately, and instead of falling for it, I felt absolute revulsion. I literally felt physically sick to my stomach, and I cut off all contact immediately. I used to run toward those people with open arms, and now I know that their behaviors make me ill and to stay away from them. It was rough, but I was very proud of myself.
Wow!! Good for you! đ That IS a victory! đ
I donÂŽt know you, but IÂŽm proud of you
That amazing!! đđđ„łđđđ
Thats so funny. We are magnets for these types. Congratulations.
FEELING THAT TOO! REPULSION - healing up well me too!!!
I mirrored narc behaviors: this realization truly upset me! I was developing adaptive strategies to survive covert narcissism by using narcissistic strategies as a tool.
I know I am healing as I find my true nature returning. I feel free :) đ
Hell yeah we mirror because at that time we finally got them đđđđđđœđđœđđœ
Wow such deep insight. đđ»đđ»
Yeas i relate to this one. It hurts because, expecially when you're younger, mirroring them make you look like them to lots of people you end up loosing and attracts to you more people like them if you still unaware. Owning this and changing required me a lot of self compassion and it was and still is to some degree hard. It requires a lot of acceptance for your role in it as you became toxic yourself and you have to accept it, change it and let the whole thing go.
OMG me too!
There's a channel by Lise Leblanc that caters more to men that suffered narcistic abuse from women. He descriptions of female abusers would sometimes sound a bit like me. I've never been labelled as narcissistic and i know I'm not one. I'm almost a toxic empathizer and I'm still struggling w/ getting my boundaries up where they need to be. My mother is most likely a narcissist and me and my sister have both been in long term relationships w/ them. She's still in, 21 yrs and counting. I kicked mine out after the cheating started back up 5 months ago. I'm trying to get him to stop hoovering. No desire whatsoever to go back. I did wrongly look for some validation that 10 yrs should have meant something to him. I'm getting to indifference. Not fully there yet, as his stopping in is getting to me. Not sure how to deal w/ the boundary breaching, and how I inadvertently contribute to it.
Even if you're still in the relationship... You're recovering the minute you have total control over your emotions and don't let them press your buttons and bait you into arguments or bad moods. When you truly reach this point that's when you're healing and taking your Power Back !!!
I find myself mistrusting everyone for fear of more backlash ! However, because I understand narcissism so well now ive recognized it in 2 other acquaintances that I have now dropped and decided 'no more' ! I'm looking forward to reaching indifference. Thank you Dr R đ€
You'll heal upm Takes time.
Good for you!!!! đȘđ
I DON'T Either....Do I Accept Wisdom Of Course BUT.... NEVER Trust Like When Ignorant. NOBODY! Like Selfđ„°
I feel same way
Yes! I can definitely relate. Good luck with your journey đ
Summary of the video 9 signs of recovery.
1. You no longer post on social media
2. You ruminate less
3. You have fewer nightmares and dreams about them
4. You hear their name and you don't fight/flight/freeze anymore
5. You slowly start getting to indifference.
6. You are being willing to start learning from the suffering. Regret turns to acceptance
7. You allow yourself to move forward
8. You start distancing yourself from other information about this narcissistic person.
9. Stop concerning about their failures and losses
Thank you Dr Ramani for these. What I would add to the list is focusing on creating a life plan for yourself and being able to ponder on your own lessons from this relationship without crying and being in pain. I would add being able to love yourself fully again without self doubt, not asking the signs of partners when talking to friends with a fear that someone might be in a narcissistic relationship always.
Thank you!
Thank you for summarising....Best to you.
Thank you for posting this.
Thanks for the summary - very helpful!
Thank you Dr Ramani. I worship you.
Hooray for indifference!!! It DOES happen ladies and gentleman, and no, it doesn't make you a cold-hearted sociopath! Heres to wholeness and abundance of joy! Peace to all who suffer. đ
I feel completely indifferent to the narc in my life now- When I finally confronted her about the constant criticism and crossing my boundaries, she had no response. She has since tried to claim she âdoesnât know what happened,â but of course she knows exactly what happened: I grew a spine.
Ughhh the constant bs from their mouths: "I dont know what happened!" "What did I do wrong?" "What are we doing, this is a stupid fight, we are so great together".
Go Beth!!!
What about the child or children??? My daughter finally left her ex husband 2/2017 filed for divorce. Sharing my granddaughter, Monday to Monday with her narc dad one week with her mom. About 2 years ago my granddaughter told her counselor of abuse from her narc dad. Her counselor a mandated reporter did report. They went into the court system đł WTBlank !!! He became the "victim " of my granddaughter. October 2022. My daughter won full physical and legal custody of my granddaughter who 12/3/22 turned 13 years old. My granddaughter has taught behaviors of her narc dad. Help !! My daughter and granddaughter are still his victims đą đđđđ not thrivers or survivors??? I am at a loss on how to help them both !!! Any advice please đ thank you to all â€
@@cherylcrowder164 I have been through this too...only decades ago. Only after doing a timeline of events/ abuse, did we (my daughters and I) realize the extent to which the abuse occurred. The behavior of my one daughter at the time of, should have explained it all (if only I had been aware of the warning signs!!!) We (my other non-abused daughter and I) are STILL hoping and praying for healing ...The process of healing really can be life long. I am now 30+ years out and have no desire for another romantic relationship. The mending process goes on...
@@cherylcrowder164now that your daughter has custody and their contact can be super limited, your GD should start recovering⊠her being in the âsafeâ home permanently should help now. As long as she has maintained empathy, etc., those qualities will re-appear. Iâve been divorced for five years and my daughter is finally seeing her father. She will have to come to her own realization of who her father is. Your GD has only been with your daughter for a few months⊠recovering takes a while, and lots of work and love. Her residing at her safe place should jump start her recovery journey. Wishing your entire family peace and love â€ïž
I'd like to add one more set of signs: the physical ones. I'd been having headaches, difficulty breathing, digestive issues, and muscle cramps for a long time, but since I set new boundaries with my mother I've felt myself relax. A lot of those symptoms are gone.
Thank you, again, for your expertise and kindness. And happy new year, everyone!
Same!!
Whenever we fought I could feel my organs squeezing themselves as I was crying... these people can literally destroy a human being.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
Or if you can, stay away!
Honestly if I could... I'd move away.
I agree! Since I left my narcissistic relationship I no longer have heart palpitations!! They were so severe I sought medical help on several occasions. Went through a series of cardiac test just to find out it there is no issue. Ended the relationship and went no contact the palpitations stopped!
Same experience. Despite of my ongoing divorce from a narc I haven't been ill a single day the last 12 month since I decided to leave him. Before that I was falling apart with all sorts of psychosomatic symptoms. It's so good to use my strength for myself instead of investing it into a monster.
Kudos for your courage. Years of feeling "less than" from narc family abuse I found myself feeling alone and enjoying it. Not lonely at all. They were never really there for me anyways. Wishing you the best year ever.
Yes!! It was so bad I thought I was dying sometimes and others thought I had cancer. Got blood tests that said no. Just my partner was cancerous to me.
Getting off social media was the best thing I ever did. I highly recommend it to everyone. You can just work on yourself, walk your own journey and path without the influence of the other people. Iâve also found my biggest win, is just learning to enjoy being on my own, without the need or want to be with someone. That someone else could some how bring me happiness. Iâve realised happiness is not want Iâve always wanted, but peace and contentment within myself and my life. Thatâs exactly what Iâve found, inner peace and real sense of calm. I feel completely free and grounded for the first time in my life. Itâs not been easy getting here and I have further to go but it is possible to recover after these narcissistic relationships.
I did it too, now as a photographer I have a Instagram account but closed it. I have cousins who could feed the monsters with information but I donât post anything particular about me or even my photo.
I deleted all social media and have not felt so much better
After 8 looonnngggg years, I am now at Indifference.I am at the point I am moving on, opening my heart again to others without fear. It has been alot of one step forward , 10 steps back BUT on my journey, I learned what it was like to be alone and loving me and recognizing how I kept myself in a prison of self doubt and that YES, I am good enough and Deserving of a great job and a loving relationship, Damn it!!
I deleted my SM accounts too. The peace of mind and liberation is everything. My nervous system is finally in a better state because of it
I never understood the point of letting everyone know what I'm doing. Since my husband's death and I have been out on my own it is the most peaceful life I could have ever imagined. All these years I wanted to be with someone that loved me and that I loved. We would support each other and grow old together. All these years I was looking outside of myself that I can only give to myself. My love for myself is what I gave to others for so long that it will take a lifetime of recovery which I am happy to do. I am grateful for the experience I had for 24 years with a covert malignant narcissist because there's no other way I could have known how strong loving kind thoughtful and caring and compassionate I am.
I started healing myself way before he left. Completely detached, started meditating, grew spiritually and stopped playing the games. I changed my entire life. I got off drugs and started loving myself and taking care of myself. Started working out, going dancing and having fun without him. I never looked at his social media. He's been blocked from mine for months. I don't ruminate AT ALL. There was nothing positive about that relationship except what I was doing for myself. I don't think about him. Ever. I haven't had nightmares in almost 5 years. I got myself off drugs and I got myself off the narcissist. No difference. I don't feel anything for him. I can't stand the sight of him. He disgusts me. I started taking my power back long before he left. I don't replay what he did and didn't do. I live in the present, not in the past. I do feel indifferent. I have learned so much about myself from being with him and I'm thankful for the lessons, not for him. I will not allow myself to be a victim. That's disempowering. I know me now. I am moving forward. I don't want a relationship. Just one with myself. I created the new world before he left. I taught myself to paint, I found ways to do things in my wheelchair. Taught myself to mow, weed eat, fix stuff, etc. I no longer think about him and could care less where he is or who he's with. I don't waste time on that idiot. I changed everything. Got sober, changed my diet, started working out, taught myself to paint paintings, started meditating, started reading again, I go dancing, in my wheelchair, ordered some new stuff for myself for Christmas-got a cordless vacuum, a slow cooker, more essential oils, lost 50 lbs, rearranged the house, the yard, made some new friends, started going to a luncheon with the ladies. I have a whole new life. I started this long before he left. He's been gone 2-3 weeks. Can't even remember, that's how unimportant he is. I like who I've become. I love my life. I enjoy my life. I have so much more energy, I'm sleeping better. I also got off Big Pharma's poison and started educating myself on essential oils and herbs and natural remedies. The anxiety is gone, zero depression, no PTSD. I got tools years ago when I did 12 years in therapy. I still use them. My dogs and I are much happier now. No drama!!! I've been sure my new friends don't do drama. I met a woman who is a narcissist. I talked to her twice and saw the red flags right away and ran the other direction. I live alone in my wheelchair and do everything I need to do to care for my home. I learned to do that way before he left. He made himself obsolete.
đđ»đđ»đđ» Iâm so happy for you! Iâm beginning to do the same⊠creating my own life and happiness without him while living with him. He canât seem to stand that Iâm learning Spanish, lol.
Wow! Thatâs amazing! Youâre inspiring.
Sounds like me. I'm almost out. I just need a job so I can move out and get away, I'm applying every day for months but haven't found anything yet.
Thanks dear friend ... Your comment is really resonating and helpful ..
Wow!! You give me hope! I'm doing some of the things you have done. I'm becoming more at peace with myself, working out, meditating, eating and sleeping better. Getting in touch with my higher power and trying to be more grateful and humble. It's harder because I can't afford to divorce or move out. You can't totally heal from the abuse if you're still living with your abuser, but I'm trying.
I feel that one of the things you start doing in this process of healing after narcissistic abuse is to actually start to love yourself more, literally it's like you see yourself for the first time, with automatically more appreciation than you were allowed to feel for your own self while in a relationship with the abuser.. Once you're finally fed up with abuse, you no longer feel guilty for caring for yourself :)
11:17 đđȘđđȘđâŁïž
Left the narcissist in my life after 10years and finally decided to work on myself. I started learning software development and after last 6 months of dedicated work got a job as a developer with a huge package. All thanks to doctor Ramani. It was all possible because of your guidance. I couldn't afford therapy so I turned to your channel for healing and educating myself. Thank you so much đ
Please I need help how did you become a software developer please any insight ...thank you I will be waiting for your request promptly!!!! Narcissists have ruined billions of lives in this universe!!!!!!!!
@@elhadjdiallo633 There are many courses available online to become a software developer. All you need is to master yourself in atleast one of these programming languages. Also various CRM's are available that can be learnt for free which will help you get into IT as a developer , administrator or tester.
@@Cook.Love.Heal.Repeat oh thank you sister as for me cptsd and anxiety have almost ruined my life due to these symptoms life hasn't been easy for me at all I'm a graduate I can become anything I want in this universe etc.....how much do he Program cost ....thank you can...
@@elhadjdiallo633 it doesn't cost much to be honest. U can even learn it for free. I can understand even I have been through all these things. It's really hard for someone going through this to focus on learning anything new. But believe me choosing consciously what is good for u and your future and then focusing on it will help you get where you want to be. Be it mental health, physical fitness or career. Good luck for all the great achievements u are going to make ahead and choosing to love yourself more through all of this â€ïž
@@Cook.Love.Heal.Repeat thanks sister!!!! Take care bye I'll see you in heaven inchaallahu by the grace of Allah!!!!! Ma Allah protect us from all the evil folks that exist in this universe Ameen !!!!! Stay bless!!!@
I have stopped being hyper vigilant and always waiting for âthe other shoe to dropâ. I asked a friend, âIs this happy and optimistic feeling how you feel all the time?!â She said that it was. Itâs amazing. Day after day goes by without anyone in my world throwing a fit, having a tantrum, blaming me for everything or yelling at me.
Yes I feel surprised that most people are kind and respectful to me.
I like my life much better now but I will always be prudent with my relationship with others
And use my skills to defend and protect my self integrity in my interaction with dangerous behavior.
Thank you
Song on Narc Abuse, check it out: czcams.com/video/dCZaZI4FiEM/video.html
Yeah, being able to ditch the hypervigilance feels really, really good. Congratulations to you!
đ
Amen. Great for you. Yes. I hear you
I'm starting to say no and sticking to it without feeling guilty or caring what people think of me, I'm doing what is best for me and that is all that matters! There is Always 2 sides to every story!
This is what Iâm working on now!
I think my biggest sign of healing was finally seeing the full truth of the relationship. Instead of just accepting a shared blame for the breakup as incompatibility, seeing that there was so much more going on than that. I always owned up to the issues I was having that negatively impacted things (depression and alcohol abuse), but retained a blind spot to his abuse. It's taken years, but I can reflect on the relationship now and see that there was a lot of emotional, mental, and intimacy abuse that occurred. Also when days go by and I don't think about him is definitely a victory.
Hugs! great work, thank you, good reminder for me too. Yes I made mistakes but he was actively abusing in a myriad ways. I could have not done anything to get a different result. Accepting they are mentally ill is tough but liberating. I wish you all the best
Same đ
I noticed I was seeing red flags in other people much earlier in relationships and their treatment of me. The big step forward for me is that when new people in my life acted unhappy or angry or dissatisfied, I didnât âmove into the gap of expectationâ to meet their needs. Iâm letting my new folks rescue themselves and Iâm learning to step away from those dynamics rather than leaning into them.
I repeatedly tell myself "it's not your job to heal someone".
Same heređ
Good for you! I hope I can learn how to do that in my own life.
Totally. Saying âthatâs too bad, what do you think youâll do?â Is my go to line.
this is great and truly a sign of healing! Thanks for sharing
I have listened to you almost daily for 2 years now. I have noticed that I no longer react , I am trying very hard to not Over share my life with people as well! The scariest part for me is recognizing the behavior in others is making my circle VERY small.
I also have the tendency to over share :(
@@personplant9046 me too I do overshare, uff
about a small circle, this is great !! better few and true ones
@@Rebeker thanks for sharing! I feel you
@a Parsons I am dealing with the same thing. I recently watched a video of Ross Rosenberg that said, "I see Narcs Everywhere ". I guess it's better to know, and remove those that you can. Better for your well-being.
Still trying to get past feeling like a fool for putting up with my narc mother!
I actually appreciate the quiet. No more phone calls and arguments. I don't miss the drama
Started walking and working out again and my friends could hear my healing in my voice!
Good luck to everyone healing from the effects of narcissism!
Thank you Dr Ramani đ â€
âIt forced me to take a hard look at other unhealthy patterns in my life.â Thereâs a weird liberation that Iâve begun to feel in this part of my process. It hurts but itâs empowering.
This!
I have the same experience...since going no contact with my Narc mother and establishing firm boundaries with my ex-husband and father of my children, I have also been able to end a friendship. We were best friends for years but then I started realizing how untrustworthy she is so I ended the relationship. It is painful sometimes but, my word, would I rather know the truth and cry or believe a lie and be happy? I always choose Truth.
I had a best friend and âboyfriendâ both giving narcissistic vibes. Not sure if they are but I certainly think that they deserve a diagnosis. I went no contact a year ago and took the entire year to heal. I removed myself from social media and just spent some time with me. I cried a lot. I was super hard on myself because I felt like I shouldâve known some things. Then I started practicing compassion for myself. Childhood traumas and woundings that had gone unchecked were the culprit behind many decisions that was making for myself including the people I surrounded myself with.
Now Iâm slowly reintroducing my new found since of self back into society. I feel more empowered and whole than I probably ever have in my life. And it feels good. I can honestly say I go days without thinking about them and when they do cross my mind I can put them out without all of the anxiety or guilt.
Whoeverâs reading this: I did what was best for me. You can too and it gets so much easierâŠ.and life gets better.
I needed to read this, I have all this ahead of me. You are so strong, I cannot wait to be at your healing spot !
Thank you đ đ
I feel healthy just reading that ! So beautiful to hear and see the sunshine âïž
Reading this comment makes me feel hopeful for myself in the future. I think start healing myself now and find myself a better life for my physical health and my mental health.
I really want to move on but find it very difficult indeed . I'm 50 and only just found out what my mother is and I feel trapped inside my own head. Same thoughts going around my head. There are narcissist at my job and that's how I worked it out with the help of youtube. Thankyou for giving hope not only to me but to othersđđđ
After 14 years, I have finally gone total no contact with my narcissistic husband. My life has been so much better for it. My self confidence has increased. My anxieties, worrying constantly are gone. Body aches gone. My thoughts are clear and I can actually relax. I have set boundaries and stuck with them. My career is going very well. I am in therapy. I am now realizing exactly how unhealthy my relationship was with him and how he affected every aspect of my being. And how to avoid this in the future.
Hooray Connie!
I notice Iâm healing when I simply, unapologetically ENJOY myself. I ENJOY doing little things and hearing certain songs or watching certain shows because I am finally grabbing myself permission to ENJOY these things. My work performance is better because Iâm granting myself permission to grow. My relationships with others are happier because I am giving myself permission to have these other relationships to begin with. I am granting myself permission to BE ALIVE - something the narc simply wouldnât let me be. Itâs not even about doing anything big⊠itâs just simply waking up in the morning and enjoying that in itself.
Planting that flag on the summit now.! Took 56 years and an ocean of tears to internalize my locus of control and set proper boundaries with my Narcissistic parents. Dont give up.! Acceptance, forgiveness, responsibility for self are key. Prayer helped me a lot. Let go of blame, shame, guilt, fear, hate, resentment, ego, control, excuses, anger and doubt.! You are the master of you. Choose self love.!!!đ
Perfectly said đđâ€ïžđ
Well said
Morning, noon and nighty night! They rob us of much, our healthy selves! Don't value their opinions people, that's the best advice I can offer!
Plonked the flag on the Summit with the ace manipulator, went no contact for the longest time ever, yes I did it!!
Fir me healing feels like I removed the rose tinted glasses and replacing them with clear lenses!!
MY good grief!! So many flying monkeys coming from so many different directions that had been there all along. I honestly never saw them through clear lenses before & it actually shocks me. I don't react as much anymore & when I see &, feel a direct hurt, I am gone, so fast, so abrubtly, I am out & gone. My road age is getting narrower, no more excuses or allowances given. Darn it, I'm even shocked with myself with my ability to do this. The deep dive I have to say is a gem when practised. It took a few weeks to practise this especially with the enablers/flying monkeys and especially observing what looked / felt like a real cold indifference in relation to the a sudden, unexpected loss of a sibling whom I have always had a very strong bond with. Years between us all, always fondly referred to as the baby. I was deeply shocked, still capable of pulling myself way back & out of there, without reacting & I know now what my choices are! I can choose no contact, to firewall if & when needs be. It's similar to learning the gift of a new trade. I have choices that I hadn't even realised that I had. I can choose Peace. I can say No. I can take it or leave it with my dignity intact. Have had close blurbs, just didn't get pulled in. The more I practise this skill, the easier it gets. Dr. Ramini you are a God - send & a Gifted teacher, I am one grateful follower, thank you đ
In the first phase of my healing I told my therapist: "I see narcs everywhere!" Now I know that I just spotted narcissistic traits in people (everyone has some) extremely fast as I was sensitive after the abuse I had endured. Now I do not think everyone is a narc, but whenever I am engaging with a new individual, romantic or other, I am just listening to myself: "Am I feeling okay in this relationship? Am I feeling seen and heard and respected?" I think it's a good sign, too, when you stop suspisciously detecting others, and you start believing yourself at last.
I needed to read what you wrote. Thanks for your perspective. Copied it into my journal!!! đ
beautifully said
I spot them all the time as well.
good
Me too! I was seeing narcissists everywhere! I'm starting to distinguish between bragging out of loneliness and love bombing out of insecurities and blatant need for dominance. I will shut it down. "Yeah you've told me the genius story" "Stop I'm not going to write my story"
It's a process of pushing back.
My recovery started oh so subtly and gently , I didn't even notice it at first. Depression was gone, I stopped crying, my mind cleared; I stopped having chest pains(!!!). I felt more confident and more energetic, it was like something lit up inside me. And I told to myself: NO MORE BS IN MY LIFE. This ocean wide feeling was so powerful, so profound that it scared me a little bit. I was not the same person anymore. I found self respect in it, confidence to stand up for myself, strength to burn all the bridges. Mind you, I was still in relationship when this happened. My now ex narc said once " I am trying to figure you out, do you have smb else?". I had to laugh. It's been 10 months and I still feel the same way. I do believe that there was some devine intervention here at some point...
I'm not sure that I fully recovered yet, but this new me is badass now (not in destructive way).
Beside all that I had to do the hardest job on earth: facing myself and realizing that it's MY responsibility not to allow people treat me like đ©. I was part of the problem and I had to own up to that.
Love your channel, thank you for your words of wisdom and all the lessons !
Yes! I love all these responses. Wonderful â€
I don't wake up anymore in the morning having the bitter taste of starting my day thinking about this person and how he hurt me. I stopped hoping that he would change and come back. I stopped caring whether his life is good or bad going. I know I'm still in the middle of the process, but it feels so relieving, after months of pain and hard ruminating. Thank you for your content â€
My default emotion when I wake up went from constant anxiety, to a low grade joy. That was so remarkable a change I'm making it a yearly anniversary.
I really look forward to this.
That's so amazing I'm really happy for you. I am praying i get to this point
I am enjoying being alone, I sing and dance a lot. I can look at their pictures without being triggered. I don't even get bothered much when he is annoying our kids, I just comfort them and move along. I reached the indifference around August 2021 after starting with your videos in April 2020. I even stopped ruminating but I must say it was because from April, you walked me through the healing by releasing videos that explained all I was going through. I struggled so much with rumination
Sandra Selana, I'm soo happy for you! I truly am! I hope and pray in healing process that you live a happy , fulfilling and peaceful life! Sending you positivity and love! All the best!
â€â€â€â€đ„°
Do you recall which video of hers helped you? So glad youâre in a better space!
@@beddybaddass Iâd like to know too - ones on releasing?
Being alone is a great thing.
Noticing the other toxic relationships I had in my life.. helped me. I finally blocked the rest of the flying monkeys. Itâs been the hardest thing to do, along with the Narc. My empathy is keeping me hostage. I donât owe anyone loyalty.
When you embrace being alone, when you enjoy your own company when youâre able to just catch yourself, đ in the middle of the conversation when you enjoy having peace!!
10. You become your own parent (for me I became my own mother). Teaching myself all the life lessons I didn't get from my own mother about how to take care of myself, my mental health and learning my worth as a person.
Excellent advice, thanks!
I get this. I realise now at 48 how my mother never cared as I had low worth. So made poor decision s. one abusive marriage. One abusive ex
â€â€â€đđ»đ·
good one!!
After a three decade marriage that was sinking like a rock at the end, I wanted to find one spot in my new apartment that felt peaceful. I hadnât lived alone before that. After four months, I realized that my whole apartment felt peaceful. What a relief!
Yessss!!! Hallelujah! Enjoy that â€ïž
Get your self the book: The Little Book of Hygge Danish Secrets to Happy Living By Meik Wiking
Make your apartment your "hygee".
It's not the question where you live but with/without whom. I'm still living in the house we once shared. The moment my narc husband moved out turned the house into a place of safety and joy. Even the grass is greener now outside in the garden. Have a great life in your new environment!
đđŒđ
So inspiring to hear from others who left these marriages after 33 years. It is never too late to live in peace in your own sanctuary Each day is a new day!
Setting boundaries with others was a big change for me and expressing my needs. For so long I was shut down and gaslighted and forgot that speak up for myself and for what I wanted.
For me the highest point of recovery was being able to let go of the hard feelings (after being discarded, gaslighted and orbited). I decided to use the quality that made me vulnerable to reinforce my own value, by thanking him for letting me go. I couldn't stand that internal turmoil generated by the no contact. I told him that I deeply appreciated the distance between us and that I was not resented, but grateful. Saying this to him made me feel lighter and at peace. I saw him for what he is: lonely, angry and insecure. My empathy is what put me at risk, and what healed me.
Iâve learned to notice how my feelings âfeelâ in my body. Anxiety gives me pinched shoulders. Depression takes away my bones. Noticing changes within my physical body helps me not get overwhelmed by the feelings. My feelings arenât there to hurt me, but learning not to dissociate takes practice. You can do it!
Wow, I really hope to get into this level of physical self awareness.
Thank you Jess for your post which gave me an "ah ha" moment. My shoulders and neck muscles are so tight. I have filed for divorce and look forward to him moving out. In the meantime I have been working on self care, being good to me, and learning how to relax.
Thank you I didnât realize until this comment that this is how disassociation happens for me when I donât want to feel emotions and pain in general
Omg wow this comment has made me realiE that maybe my pinched shoulder is not posture related but rather because I grew up with anxiety....thank you for your comment!!!!! Wow
I've had horrible shoulder pain that began around the same time as the narcissists mask came off đ€
My signs have been: Iâm able to dance and sing and just enjoy life. I can tell my sense of humor is definitely back. I set better boundaries and feel more authentically myself. Iâve been able to take the lessons learned and my experiences and help others that are currently going through it. Now when I talk about him and the relationship I donât feel weak or sad, I feel empowered that I had the strength to leave. And have been able to take something so ugly and help others find their way out and heal as well.
Awesome đ đđđđ
I'm a week in of no contact. I feel disappointed and sad. Trying not to call him.
@@lovelylinda8891 Stay strong.
You are at a point where emotions are running really high and the pain, anger and loss can feel overwhelming.
It will only get easier if you stay no contact. You are at one of the hardest spots along the path to healing
@@lovelylinda8891 100 percent agree with everything secretive Scorpio said! I know the pain is excruciating, but please keep going. I would also recommend getting into therapy and practicing self love/self care, and journaling. When those big waves of emotions come, feel them. Please donât be hard on yourself.â€ïž you will get through this. Iâve been no contact 6 months, I promise it gets better.
@@lovelylinda8891 also forgot to mention, please donât fall for the lovebomb, if they attempt. He discarded me and then lovebombed me back in. I went back because I thought it would be different, only to endure narcissistic rage. I wouldnât wish that on anyone.
Reading these comments always brings joy to my heart. It gives me the strength to keep going and the knowledge that I'm not alone. Thank you to Dr. Ramani and for all those that have vulnerably posted their stories in the comments. Much much love
The joy of being alive starts to come back. I found unsolicited joy was very illusive when i was in the throws of deep trauma over my narcissistic x.
Just to remind everyone. Recovery is RARELY linear. My therapist framed it for me in terms of an "upwards spiral" rather than a straightline. We come back to the same material cyclically, but from a slightly different vantage point with new experience each time. Sometimes i can feel I have completely regressed back into anger or grief even after being a period of being able to make meaning and purpose from these toxic relationships..
Thanks to everyone for all your comments
EXACTLY!!!
"Upwards spiral" good metaphor....BUT, (a friendly, respectful, not QUITE in my experience BUT)
========
A quick background on me...
Overview...8 months after death of my fawner mothe pathetic enabler to outrageously disregulated narc father...I am fully estranged from FOO. Both sibs desperate for money. Not us
She died Jan 2021
They launched this obscene, restraining order case against me. In my state, it is virtually impossible to FAIL to get a restraining order.
Talk about a SMEAR CAMPAIGN . they needed to feel
...STATE was on their side "court 'case'"
Then my completely destitute sister of 5 with a religious fanatic non working husband goes and has my church issue a NO TRESPASS.
....LOCAL CHURCH on their side
THEN OF COURSE, my sister endlessly cites HER CHRISTIANITY as showing I am crap
....GOD w the big G on their side
=====
Side note ...my sis ...who has NO MONEY, NO PROPERTY, NO RETIREMENT, NOTHING BUT A STARBUCKS SIPPING DO NOTHING HUSBAND...received 20+ years of constant $$$$ from aforementioned mother/enabler.
WAY TO GO MOM. BOUNDARY SETTER EXTRAORDINAIRE ...NOT
As power of attorney for my Dad, before my banishment, I saw WITH ASTONISHMENT the magnitude of this money spigot.
Destitute sis kept saying after each child
Girl
Girl
Girl.
Girl
Boy
(How about that ..kept going til a boy). I guess that was the plan of deadbeat, Starbucks sipping husband .u
GOD WILL PROVIDE
HMMM.....I guess she spelled God MOMMY
ANYWAY ....
=======
I was a GREAT CARETAKER for father for those 8 months. I'm local ..they aren't
========
They COULD NOT FATHOM my countless hours of unremitted caregiving came without a price.
as much as a PITA (pain in the anterior) he was, I just figured it's what a SON DOES
SIS....covert narc
Brother....central casting GRANDIOSE narc
Brother in law ..scheming sociopath
======
Back to my "criticism" if the UPWARD SPIRAL METAPHOR
======
1. Before holidays 2022....I was STUCK IN ANGER ...3 months after being totally estranged from my narc FOO. Oct restraining order
2. After holidays ...I was euphoric. My wife and I had best holiday ever w our children. Our first ever narc.free holiday
3. After I read emails my deceased mother had sent, and realized this LOVELY LADY had shared anything I ever said in confidence to her with my my siblings.
IMO, SHE VIOLATED a core covenant of a parent child relationship. I was devastated.
I am BACK TO ANGER
â ========
SO ..here is why UPWARD SPIRAL doesn't quite work for me
=========
"Upward spiral" ..with due respect, implies more orderly healing progression than has at least been my experience.
For me...more like forward progress as viewed from above over a granularity if month to month
But zoom in, a la Google maps, on certain weeks to two week periods, and progression on the GRIEF CYCLE +a concept I greatly admire) can look like total regression.
========
Dr. Ramani is a straight talking, articulate, educated advocate for all of us suffering with narc abuse.
Whatever metaphor speaks to our pain as victims of these infantile adults...USE THAT METAPHOR .
PEACE
RB
Thank you for this.
This is very important! Thank you
It's NEVER linear. Like grief it's a lifelong process.
Yes, it definitely goes in waves, and there is not a direct outline of step one, step two..... It is a process, and it takes time.
My self talk has shifted from mostly beratement to calling myself silly when I make an error, one day recently I even laughed and told myself I loved me instead of the immediate shame that would come from making a minor mistake. Baby steps.
This is great!
Omigosh this made me realize how much I negatively talk to myself. I'm going to use "silly" from now on if I make a mistake. And I literally just said "I love you" to myself, and already I feel a little better. Thank you
I do the same thing. I used to be super hard on myself and now I'm like I'm human its ok.
Yep. I laughed at myself so much today
This makes me SO happy to hear you say! I'm trying really hard with my self talk, self love, acceptance of who I am, not berating myself/using "finality statements" such as "I'll never get better, I'll never be any good, I always fail" and its slowwwwwly starting to mayyybe sink in. I'm also going to use "silly" also from now on!
A sign of recovery for me is getting into hobbies and interests that I always thought of doing but just couldn't find the energy mentally or physically. Thank you for sharing these 9 signs many of which are relatable, it's good to get an idea of what other people have noticed about themselves in this regard and helps give some clarity . â€ïž
my parents have always taught me to be nice to people, to do good things to them, and never say bad things to anyone. That made me stick in narcissistic relationships, I was always a good target for them. That made me extremely insecure. Your channel helped me get out of that phase. Thank you DoctorRamani
Gradually gaining back the self confidence, finding joy and pleasure in activities and moving from confusion and indecisiveness to better memory and clarity of mind. These are also some signs I consider as wins in my journey
One thing to mention, widows are particularly vulnerable to these relationships because they are still trying to cope and fill the loss in their life. Narcissistic people see this and they are targeted. Please be careful. I was trying to put my life back together and move on from my loss and I could ruined my life. Friends introduced me to him, because he is a covert, they couldnât see it at first. They saw what was happening to me before I did. Thank God it is over. Thank you for the education!
Thank you. I'm a widow too. My brother told me that was why I did this. Maybe just forgiving myself is key.
although I agree, they are vulnerable, yet for some, they don't listen to family or some friends, and still continue to talk to the ones who " commiserating with" simply on the basis because they " connected" due to his partner died of brain tumors, and so did hers. Ok I'll stop now. I can't do the could have should have now, they are passed away. Only so much family or friends will do.
You are spot on! That's how I ended up in a toxic marriage. I lost my 1st spouse to cancer when I was 29 and he was 32. The love of my life. I remarried 4 years later and after 5 years of a toxic marriage (and not knowing what narcissistic abuse was) I am breaking free. Filed for divorce in January 2021 and finally settled with him in mediation so that I can get on with my life. It was very expensive and he made it so ugly. I kept taking the higher road,but I am very exhausted. We are just waiting for the final signature from the judge. đ đ
Such a wise comment! My partner died just over 4 years ago after we had been together for 27 years. Narcissists, both male and female, came at me like Dracula's wives. One woman in particular had been a "friend" for something like 30 years. After my partner died she claimed she just wanted to help me grieve. I eventually realized she just wanted to take over my life and make me her 24/7 narc supply. She even found a new house for me just a short walk from hers. She got very angry when I told her I was happy in my current home: "You'll never be truly happy there with all those sad memories. I have a degree in psychology. I know what I'm talking about. You need to start fresh!" Her exact words... If gaslighting were an Olympic sport, she'd have more gold medals than Michael Phelps.
@@davidhalldurham sheesh.. such a shame. Glad you didn't fall for it!!
Last night I had one of those wonderful ah ha moments.... I realized that I was about to go to bed and hadn't given my narcissist a thought. I actually found myself smiling. At that moment I knew I was going to be alright. As I laid down I felt such relief. It was the best night sleep I have had in a couple of years. I still have a long road ahead but at least I know that I'm going in the right, healthy direction. Thanks Doc!!!!
Giving up social media was so easy. I donât know how I resisted giving it up so much, but it was amazing for my recovery. Probably one of the best things I did in my recovery. Ty! đ
Iâve had vitiligo on my hands, elbows, and mouth for almost 20 years. Since starting the healing process, my vitiligo is healing as well. Itâs a physical manifestation of my inner, emotional state. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving us our lives (and health) back. đ
Thats very interesting because I've developed the white spots as well.
And yours healed? Thats incredible.
I have Morgellons disease and many of these people who have it suffered brutal childhoods.
Horrible what that does to us for a lifetime.
@@eyespy0070 Yes, most of my spots are completely healed. I still have two spots on my wrists and one on my thumb, but my mouth and elbows are clear. I wish you healing and wellness. đ đ
Has that been documented before?
Curious? Ill look at up
Wow, that's was a sad read. Good Luck
@@eyespy0070 đđ»
Acceptance , choose mental peace over everything. Loving yourself. Being with ppl with a kind heart. I think this is the way I am recovering.
Well said, and simple.
You are literally saving my soul with sharing your knowledge & wisdom on this subject,
7 years and I finally left, am just now on the path of healing from all of it, I cannot thank you enough for your beautiful and kind heart and sharing it with the world!
So critical to realize that there have been other people who were unhealthy for me as well the primary narcissist. I have seen these people so much more clearly as I have walked away from the narcissist. Amen and thanks
For me, I realized I was healing when I stopped reacting emotionally to the gaslighting, manipulation, name calling, etc. When I started to view my sibling as a tantruming child, and would stay focused on the issue and not allow them to hijack the conversation by causing me to start defending myself against their lies.
So, I guess a sign is when you can react logically and not emotionally to the narcissist. That's a sign you have moved them out of your sphere of importance. When someone's opinion matters, we take to heart what they say. When they become unimportant to us, we aren't hurt by their behavior. To me, that was the point at where what I thought of myself mattered more than what they said about me. It was very freeing.
Congratulations! I finally went no contact with a toxic sibling. Time to heal.
Good point! I used to get tongue tied or try to fight back with logic during my families verbal abuse because I wanted them to understand & love and care for me, like I did for them. Now I see them for what they are & don't give a damn, nor do I waste my breath. I think of it like waking from a bad reoccurring dream.
With you on this. If they don't see my value I don't see theirs, period.
Another HUGE hug Dr. Ramani! Itâs been 2.5 years since my wife of 9 years just left. I have shared custody of our 2 young children, but she doesnât say a word to me at exchanges, is living at a different guys house every month & the smear campaign goes on. Itâs been 2.5 years of suicidal thoughts and self-deprivation. Iâve watched her jump from opportunity to opportunity and wished the worst for herâŠand a few weeks agoâŠIâve noticed that all starting to quiet down!! Itâs been a conscious effort to be single and just focus on myself & the kids and something incredible happened; for the first time in my life (Iâm almost 41) I began a relationship withâŠmyself. And you know what, Iâm in love. Itâs been a looooong rocky road, but the first time in my life I can honestly say âI love myself & my life!â Healing is not linear, but for now, by being with myself, I feel such power, respect and the ability to be the best dad to my two kids I love more than anything. I know Iâm getting better because I could have never said any of that a year ago. Thank you so so so much Dr. Ramani and please hang in there to anyone else reading this. âAs we learn what makes us tick, we can FINALLY start unleashing passion in the world!â Please hang in there, Iâm not sure why or how, but things really do start to get better!!
Thank you Jeff for the encouraging words. I am not as youthful as you, but I was once! I had a late maturing of myself too. I also came to love myself as well. That was my stage one of growing. I quit drinking alcohol and had left my husband of nearly 20 years because we were not getting along. To make a long story short a bit over 9 years ago my cousin came to stay with me for a week or two. Now when he was here around 8 years I knew I had to learn about his psychological problems for me to stay sane and to understand him. I began to have stress problems a few months after he got here. We had a talk and he took what I had to say well so I thought he would do what I asked and we could move on. After another month I had to have another talk with him for some of the same things and a couple other things came up as well. He still took it well. A couple days later I was watching him and he was still doing the same things I asked him to change his behavior previously. Then I realized he wasn't listening to me. I was confused how a person could do that and not remember a thing we talked about. Now after spending endless hours on the computer I have a completely different understanding about narcs! It is hard do get over the anger but it is good you got the children away from the narc mother. As my time went on and my X and I would go through our ups and downs and he passed away last January. He was a very selfish spoiled rotten, self centered man who tried to control me. My grandfather was one to remind us grand daughters to not let a man control you unless it is to save your life. About a month after my x's passing I was studying some new points about narcs , probably from Dr. Ramani and it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! My x husband was a narc!!! Since then I have been trying to write his traits down with examples of what he had done. I am doing that for the kids because they were 8 and 9 when I left. I think my daughter is a strong narc. She was very close to her father. I had custody and she manipulated him so he thought I was the worst mom in the world. In the end , just before he passed he did say he loved me. We both knew it wouldn't ever work for obvious reasons. He passed a couple weeks later after Christmas. I am upset with him because he "Took the chicken way out." I wasn't able to explain to him that I knew what the problem was with us. I am so sorry for the lengthy explanation. I am heading back into recovery and my first step will be to stop drinking alcohol the day after my cousin leaves. After that I can get into healing my mind, nerves, my house and my energy. I will get myself back and grow from there!!! You are a very brave man. Your children are lucky to have you.
So happy for you Jeff. Same thing happened to me. Took me two years to come through the darkness but when I came out, I discovered MYSELF again and I LOVE IT. I have never been more authentically MYSELF in all my life. I have discovered deeper power that I didnât know I had and it is revealing to me that I have only discovered the tip of an enormous ice berg. It is a bit scary (because you spend so much time Subduing Yourself to manage being around the narc) but you begin to feel that power surge and it is exciting. Continue learning to love yourself because you are indeed most worthy of love.
I can relate. I also have two kids with my ex wife. She and her family did their best to destroy my reputation. When I got over the pain and the hurt, I became indifferent. It was the best place. I didnât care if she had success, whether at work or relationships. I focused on myself. I worked on my physical and emotional strength. By working out it made me feel better. I put on ten pounds of muscle every year after leaving her. My appetite was non existent while married to her. I remember running into her aunt who was told I was so heartbroken and struggling from the divorce. She couldnât believe how health and happy I looked. But I wasnât doing it for my ex, it was for me and my children. I had to be healthy to be a better father. Living and enjoying life is the best win!!! Live bro!!! She did you a favor. Wake up happy and relieved. Iâm still digging out of the financial hole ten years later. But I just bought another home. She took me to court for child support afterwards, but that let me know Iâm still winning. Iâm remarried now and have my 4th child on the way. Iâm enjoying life while hers crashes around her. My struggle now is watching my children experience what I went through. But Dr. Ramani has given me the tools needed to help them.
This is amazing!! Iâm now going on day 5 of no contact and I can tell you⊠the first week of a tad bit of contact was hard.. but now I donât want to talk to him at all.
Learning to love myself again and find myself again.. Itâs amazing how once you get out of that and realize it was totally not normal at all and you can have peace and actually sleep again!!!!
Congrats, I am 51 and just realizing who I am for the first time as well. I am a really awesome, lovable person and people love being around me. Crazy to even say it.
When I moved out of my Narcissist Fathers house I would have nightmares of him every other day for weeks and I still hear his voice in my head sometimes throughout my day when I'm not busy telling me that I'm not good enough. Although Finally after a couple of months of being away from him I have been able to feel more relaxed and not paranoid or tense all the time. Thank you Doctor Ramani for the informative video.
I am only 3 months in to my recovery journey (after 25 years) and I have tried many "methods" to get going down that path. I feel most successful, my biggest baby steps, most validated that I am going to be ok, when I do something for MYSELF! No matter how small or seemingly insignificant, the more things I do to be kind to myself or improve myself in any way, the better I feel & more positive I feel. Optimism is new to me - and I'm LOVING it!
My toddler wants to hang out with me in the middle of the night because he just canât get enough of happy mom. Even he can notice Iâm happier.
đ„°đ„° this right here. Yesss keep goingđđŸđđŸđđŸ
The two years that I have listened to you on You Tube have helped me more than I can ever express. I got out of a 15 year relationship, knew that things were bad, but didn't understand why. Listening to you talk about gaslighting, flying monkeys and all the other narcissistic terms I learned, sounded like you were describing my life. I realized that I had been raised by narcissistic parents, so narcissism has been my life for 70 years. I have learned a lot, and made tremendous growth. After watching the video on how to tell if there is growth and healing from the abuse, I can say that I am doing very well. However, I don't know what to think about item #4. I feel indifferent towards the narcissist, until I think about seeing her out somewhere. I have not seen or talked to her in over 2 years. When I think about running into her somewhere, or being at the same event, my sympathetic nervous system goes haywire. My father was very narcissistic, and even after not seeing him for 20 years, I had the same response to him. I'm not sure I will ever get to the "oh well, there she is" stage as it relates to her. The hurt was so enormous. As for the other signs that I am healing, I know I am well on my way, and I have you to thank for so much. I also have a great therapist. But it worries me to think that feeling this response to seeing her means that she will always have some control over me, and the idea of that makes me ill. I'm sorry this is so long. I have wanted to reach out to you for quite awhile. I really appreciate how much you have helped me. And I look forward to what you have to say in 2022. Happy New Year.
A random thought I had as I read your comment: Think of it as a dog that bites you every time you are near it. You had the strength to have that dog's teeth pulled - a toothless dog cannot bite you. Think of the narcissist in your life (past/present/future) as dogs who are all bark but no bite. At least they can no longer bite 'you'. And now, you can just laugh at that barking dog, ignore that barking dog, forget about that barking dog. You sent it to the pound.That dog is no longer a concern of yours.
When we woke up, the world was figured out
Beyond the we've dreamt about
This brilliant light is brighter than we've known
Without our darkness to prove it so
Still, we can't help but examine it
To add our question marks to periods
At the foot of our bed, we found an envelope
You're enough, you're enough, you're enough, you are enough
These little words, somehow they're changing us
You're enough, you're enough, you are enough
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
When we grew up, our shadows grew up too
But they're just old ghosts that we grow attached to
The tragic flaw is that they hide the truth
That you're enough, you're enough, you're enough
I promise you're enough, you're enough, you're enough
I promise you're enough, you're enough, you're enough, I promise you
You're enough, you're enough, you're enough, you are enough
These little words, somehow they're changing us
You're enough, you're enough, you are enough
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
You're enough, you're enough, you're enough
These little words, somehow they're changing us
Let it go, let it go, you are enough
So we let our shadows fall away like dust
Source: Musixmatch
I think we should be kind with ourselves. Narcissists hurts us so deep, that's why it's impossible to fully heal even after years. But it gets better and someday, when least expected, we'll see we're even better than we thought we could ever be â€ïž (I hope my idea is clear, english is not my first language, but here I am, trying to heal after a narcissistic break up đ )
I too have the issue you have with #4. Perhaps itâs because itâs different when itâs a parent. Itâs a terror since birth and we have been hard wired to fear them our whole lives, that is a hard thing to break. I have been no contact with my mother for almost 3 years and the thought of seeing her still scares me a bit. It still keeps me from family functions. I am hoping one day it wonât or that I will one day face that fear of seeing her and realize she really doesnât have the power over me like I feel she still does. You are not alone in this one. Maybe one day weâll forget they even existed. đ
I totally understand what you say about your sympathetic nervous system going haywire should you bump into your abuser. I have the very same reaction and it is very difficult not to feel like that given the level of sustained abuse we have suffered especially the mental abuse. I do not want to see or speak to my abuser ever again but my son's wedding in July means I will come face to face with them. Friends have told me not to go because they know how ill i have been, but I am praying for help and Divine support to be able to go and not let my son down but it affects your whole body!
I left my Narc ex-husband of 13 years over 3 decades ago now. I remember that as I went through my recovery of C-PTSD of almost 3 years i could feel how the triggers left gradually and steadily which was truly liberating!!! I knew right from the day i walked away to go silent along with cuttung ALL TIES from common friends, family and aquaintences that actually saved my life!!! After leaving a Narc PLEASE block them on all social media along with anyone who is connected to them and you'll be soooooo grateful you did đ Learn to fall in love with yourself as you return to your aurhentic self â€
The real sign of my recovery was when I laughed heartily for the first time in years, heralding the return of joy in my heart. With it, came peace and a growing ability to love people again. I sympathise and empathise so much more and easier too. It took a good 5 years of recovery. I was with my abuser for 11 years.
I feel that
I could really see my healing as I was writing Christmas cards to people this past December. My subconscious wanted to overshare with everyone that I was writing to. Then, I stopped myself and said, âNo, they are not in my inner, inner circle.â This was a HUGE growth step for me! As a rule now, I try to only share personal things with my four 12-step study sisters. They are safe because they are recovering codependents like me who understand narcissistic abuse.
For the first year ever I didn't bother with anyone except my daughter (who lives with me) this year...not for Christmas or New Year. No greetings, no cards or presents, no well-wishes at all...just quietly got on with our lives at home together, the two of us. We both pulled right back this year (she's an adult) and for the first year we had zero stress, zero drama, zero negativity, zero feeling used. We got exactly zero cards or presents or well-wishes...they only ever did the bare-minimum AFTER we had given. We are free! xx
Thatâs such a great victory! As a former codependent with similar issues, I am celebrating with you đ„°
@@jessicataylor7174 love this!
@@jessicataylor7174 I hear you sister....same page....NO REGRETS!
Oh wowâŠover-sharing is something Iâve done so much of in the past & I look back in that & shudder at what I said & to whom. People I barely knew. It was just inappropriate. Didnât realize it was a reaction from having a NM. Wow, learn something new everyday.
I know Iâm healing every time I say NO, even if Iâm having a physiological response to the guilt of saying no. I push through those moments to hold fast in my boundaries. You and is channel have helped me educate my self thatâs itâs not my fault. One minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time.
It took me 3 years to get better. I stopped thinking and talking about the narcissitics person, missed his birthday. I stopped hoping that he will do something to help me in the divorce process and realized that I need to do this on my own.
When I saw him with his new squeeze and felt nothing but pity for her. When my therapist said to me "he was lucky to have had you" it shifted my paradigm and I sat up a little straighter and thought "yes" it changed everything. I never ever thought of the part I had played, the stability, and love that I offered, that I take with me everywhere, and he can't have it anymore.
I know I am recovering! When I am triggered by something, I stop and say, âok, Iâm triggered. Why am I triggered?â Instead of letting those triggers completely take me over. Itâs made me realize how much of my adult life is still affected by my late narcissistic mother. Iâm not letting her control me from the grave anymore. Thank you so so much for taking the time to make these videos!!
OMG, you mean they still hurt us even after they are dead???? Noooooo....
I stopped thinking I was responsible for his emotions.
Thanks Dr. Ramani! Your videos are so helpful.
Yes, I feel indifference, and still need to work on the residual effects of years of this abuse.
I currently am trying to co parent with a narcissist and itâs challenging to say the least. Resorted to business like communication and to ignore the personal attacks that come from him and only respond to what needs actual responding and keep it really short and to the point. Experiencing some massive push back as Iâm establishing boundaries but not budging and having a healthy support system are very helpful. Not easy, but Iâm moving towards living my life happily whilst he is in misery which is on its own rewarding.
A big marker of how far in recovery I've come, for me, was how differently I reacted in having to share space with my ex-husband. Two weddings (our children) about three years apart. The first, I was proximally aware of my ex in relation to me for the entire event and when he left, I felt a massive sense of relief. Hyper-vigilance was the order of that day. I could have told you where he was at any given moment. The second wedding? I didn't even notice him leave. It didn't occur to me how significant that not noticing was until days later, when I realized that it reflected no hyper-vigilance. None. :)
I noticed my healing by three things. One I started to like the colour pink more and it was only when I was in a shop at one point, looking at a pink jumper, I realised why I hated it so much to begin with. I subconsciously associated the colour with my narcissistic mother, who wore pink dressing gowns and had a pink blanket she wrapped around herself on the sofa. That was the first thing I noticed.
The second thing was Iâve been open to trying out new foods. I had a restricted diet as I was (still little bit now too) a fussy eater. As I tried out more things, I slowly realised the my fussy eating was a form of control as I raised in unstable environment with both my narcissistic mother and her family of enablers.
The last thing I noticed was my hair. For many years I straightened it, never once giving my natural curls a chance to come out properly. Recently though, Iâve let my natural hair be shown, putting creams in it to heal it from all the decades of straightening it. From that, I began to understand that me straightening it so much was a form of self protection. I couldnât be my true self for many years, always having to please others. So, after years of not speaking to anyone on my motherâs side (and the mother also) Iâve started to be myself more, which makes me more comfortable having my natural curls on show.
There are probably other things that show Iâm healing that I havenât noticed yet but those are the three I have. đ§Ą
Beautiful :)
Another sign of recovery: not falling apart when triggered by someone else showing signs of treating me the same way as I was treated in the harmful relationship (this needs wisdom and balance of course). An example is not falling apart when someone fails to validate my perspective or seems to not value it.
I feel like Iâve finally found myself! I have felt so lost and like Iâve been looking for myself for sooooo long. Once I put all the pieces together, thanks to Dr. Ramaniâs videos, I have found myself! I feel like I walk with confidence and am not afraid of my parents coming to visit and am actually able to say what I am thinking without doubting myself because of how they may or may not react. I am a new woman!
Four years off of social media and I feel so safe. Iâve had to learn that my peace of mind is more important that being in contact and open for my friends and others in my life. It gets easier everyone. Love to all of you who have been through this abuse. Itâs a working progress. đ
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I had someone try to tell me what a good person my ex narc wasâŠI blew upâŠI said if anyone else tells me what a great person he is, Iâm gonna throw upâŠthen I changed the subject. I lived this for 35 years, I know better. Iâve gotten over this personâŠready for a new life 2022!
So true. Some are excruciatingly good at their phony persona of "good and kind".
Same here đ€Šââïžthey were not married to him for 40/years đ€šI am ready for a new life also đđŒđ
People used to always tell me how my narcissistic mother was so wonderful and sweet, and I always wanted to say "she's a good actress."
I have been in this toxic narcissistic relationship since I was 14 and I turned 50 this year. I don't know what normal is for me any longer and I constantly hesitate and doubt my feelings because I trained myself to detach myself from my feelings in order to survive.
Thanks to your videos though, Dr Ramani I am detaching my self worth from my narcs opinions of me. He is still in my life but I have his number now and I am doing better day by day đ
I have a similar story...
You are on the road to freedom now. â€
Beautiful! One day at a time!!
Almost the same situation. Married at 17, left after 41 years. Thankful for the 2.5 years of freedom and am learning how to navigate life without that anchor. Itâs so different. I wish you peace along your recovery path.
Wow 14 is too young to have known any better, I dated someone from 14 to 16 and almost died when he broke it off (his mom never liked me/diff culture and found us almost naked) but when seeing him again I couldn't stop laughing, wondering what the heck I say in him, ridiculous, good luck sugar, cut your losses count your blessings!
I suggest you watch Sam vaknin videos on CZcams. I also couldnât make any decisions for myself. He left town for work for a year and it was so hard for me not to call him to get buy in on my decisions. I realized it was a conditioning from there being verbal and emotional punishments and repercussions to my decisions and getting buy in lessened his response. After about a year apart, I could make choices without first thinking about asking him.
I too am almost 70 years old and still recovering from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse on all fronts and feel ready to end it all. I just don't know how a person is supposed to live an entire life with no love and only narcissism from EVERY SINGLE PERSON including my own children who seemed to inherit the narcissistic "gene" if there is such a thing. I don't know. Dr. Ramani helps me a lot but it doesn't change the fact that I'm about to give up. Lots of love to all! Thank you Dr. Ramani! and to all who share their experiences.
đą. Itâs so very difficultâŠ.Iâm sorry for your painâŠ.
Adult Narc kids are rarely discussed because so many people believe the vicitimised parent is to 'blame'. They forget there could have been a father/or other parent and family cult of Narcs, they forget cultural influence and so, so, so many things that can contribute to a child becoming NPD. We don't raise kids in a bubble, others influence their lives and formation of character. I 'feel' for you Mindy, and I hope you didn't give up. I'm a little younger than you 66, and I am on my recovery journey. It's not easy, but it's becoming worthwhile. Also, there's the danger of elder abuse to consider. So I hope you've found a safe haven, and a non narc friend.
For me, I couldnât see that something was âoffâ in my marriage many years. So the first step was beginning to see the behavior patterns, the rage, the no seeking of resolution, the constant blaming and shaming, etc. Iâve tried many different strategies to make our union improve to no avail. It wasnât until I found channels like Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter and podcasts like the one by Christine Hammond that I began to gain clarity around what I was dealing with every day. I am still not well, but am working through my challenges with more confidence and a sense of direction. I think Iâm at the beginning stages of healing. I have 3 young children and would leave if it werenât for them. I donât know if staying is better, but for now thatâs my choice.
1) Post less or at all on social media. Not looking up what theyâre up to
2) Less ruminating
3) Less nightmares/dreams
4) You hear their name and your heart doesnât go into âpalpitationsâ youâre not bothered by speaking of them
5) You get into âindifferenceâ - you donât care -this is the summit
6) Getting the meaning of the experience. The lessons learned -when regret turns into acceptance
7) You allow yourself to move forward. Itâs is ok to create a new world for yourself
8) You distance yourself from ppl that may know the narcissist, you donât wish to be in that circle anymore
9) Stop concerning yourself about the narcissistâs failures
Thank you for summarizing.
Thank you
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Thank you
3) Less nightmares/dreams
I just had a dream of my toxic ex-friend last night, but I wasn't scared of it at all.
I went 'no contact' with my narcissistic family 23 years ago and spent much of that time healing from PTSD brought on by living at home. I'm now in a place in my life where I no longer react to any of them or have any interest in how they're doing. Sadly, I'm now going through exactly the same thing with my husband's family. I'm helping him to identify patterns, not react and hopefully one day to heal. I'm living for the day when we can move away from them and keep them safely at 'minimum contact' distance. đ»đ»đ»
Currently distancing myself from nearly everyone. I got out of a relationship with a narcissist in august, started a new job with a narcissistic boss ended up quitting my job because of it, and now currently trying to push a covert narcissistic neighbor/friend out of my life by becoming a âgray rockâ around her. Thank you so much for providing these videos. Iâve went threw the phase of identifying and am now moved on to understanding how to heal.
Thinking of prayers for survivors is a wise act... thank you so much Dr.Ramani...đ
Self preservation may also look like having no friends. "Friends" who are mostly narcissistic anyway. This has been my experience with life so far. I'm learning so much and thinking with clarity.
Yes, RM! I have come to realize this is a coping skill of mine too after being raised with a narcissistic mother. My boundaries with 'friends' is very very strict.
I have similar experience. After I learned what narcissism was I started noticing it in majority of people around me and at this point I distanced myself from almost everyone I knew before.
@@elizaveta2407 I distanced myself from toxic friends once I began learning about narcs. I set a hard boundary with a recent former classmate and just went NC since she consistently crossed that line and I actually feel no guilt about it at all. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Huge step for me. I can't believe I was able to do it. I'm OK being alone. I know people but they are going to have to really prove themselves before I will consider them a friend. Boundary lines are new for me so I still need to work on it. When I ruminate it doesn't have the same emotional level either which gives me hope.
@@suzi861 good for you! it's a great idea to observe people before considering them a friend, I do it too. However, I also noticed that most people behave when there is distance in relationship and once they become closer to somebody, they start to feel too comfortable and act on their shadow side more often. It's almost like their self-control turns off.
I am currently in this stage. I don't have friends. But I prefer this every day rather than having toxic or unhealthy people in my life.
I think I am recovering because I truly am so close to not caring about this person anymore. I was stuck on them for so long after we broke up, desperate for any call or message from them but now, I really could care less. And when they do message or call, I can easily ignore. :)
Same here, for 2 weeks after starting no contact any notification my phone made I jumped to it hoping it was the narc and hoping it was a hoover... now a month later I got my hoover and sort of laughed at it and ignored it. The longer I spend away from her the less poisoned I feel
@@MrSnake9419 Same here. And I truly lost myself as well. I am starting to find myself again and it brings me joy that others that have been through similar situations are getting better as well. Best of luck to you!đ
No longer participating in one-sided relationships where I do most of the giving is a sign of healing for me.
Also, attracting healthier people and keeping unhealthy ones at a distance and not feeling bad about it.
Feeling like I belong. My abuse caused me to feel like I didnât belong or was selfish to be seen or heard.
Realizing Iâm like other people. I fit. Weâre all human. Im imperfect. Iâm good enough.
I can be me. Im relaxing more. Itâs very freeing.
I have no problem telling my Mom now that I donât want to talk to her. I used to feel guilty and my Dad used to surprise me and put her on the phone. I told him if he wants to preserve the relationship I need healthy boundaries. Itâs great!
My signs of recovery after dealing with my toxic PhD advisor for 5 years have been
1. Fewer episodes of shortness of breath, headache, and shooting pains in my hands
2. Enjoying sports again
3. Feeling less anxiety around thinking about hard technical problems, enjoying research again
4. Having stronger boundaries and recognizing when people are violating them
5. Able to feel unbridled joy again at times, like I used to
Still a long way to go, but feeling so positive and hopeful that I'll completely heal from all of this
My signs of recovery:
I finally left and I left everything behind to start over.
I didnât replace them, I decided to date myself for an extended amount of time.
Full no contact and blocked EVERYWHERE.
Look legal action to protect myself.
Asked for help. Looked inside and owned my shortcomings and justifications.
Iâm allowing myself to do, eat, listen to and wear what I want.
My work environment has become enjoyable and Iâm able to have confronting conversations with those who are difficult and toxic and not let it affect me emotionally.
Iâm amazed and thankful for the strength!!!
Thank you!!!
I knew I was healing when I started recognizing narcissistic actions or statements when interacting with others. I knew if I could recognize the signs, I could also adjust my boundaries with that person and not get sucked into a bad relationship again.
I had my narcissist ex visit me for Christmas. I mistakenly thought that while separate we had done enough growth that maybe we could work things out. I forgot that even if I have grown, he needed to have done so as well and he didn't. I have new boundaries and he was out in a day. Dr. Ramani's last statement here blew me away because my last text exchange with him included "I wish you well but I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with this". Haha. Victory and recovery! Thanks, Dr. Ramani!
So I ran into one of my narcissistâs sisters while at a fireworks show with my kids on NYE. And I greeted her, wished her a blessed new year, and continued enjoying the show with my children. I didnât bring them up, didnât feel the need to overexplain in case she asks me about them, and I didnât avoid her once I saw her. Thankful for progress!
Yes! There is nothing better than running into the narc, or people connected to them, and being your unbothered best. It actually physically stuns people. Being above it is far more effective than any amount of insults. I ran into my sister and her husband recently and I swear she wanted to tear my throat out when I met them head on said "Beautiful day!", big smile, and moved on :)
đčStop feeling guilty and ashamed
đčThinking clearly
đčAppreciating myself more
đčUnderstand that it wasn't about me
đčStop pity partying
đčRecognizing narc from the distance
đčReacting accordingly to them
đčHearing and believing my intuition
đčForgiving myself for not standing up for myself and lacking knowledge
đč Recognizing an canceling my mirroring narc behaviors
đčStarting achieving success.
Iâve been watching Dr Ramini for several years now and thank God for her training on narcissistic abuse.
I was devastated by my narcissistic husband. That devastation has turned into understanding how all narcs behave.
It will help all to know it is some about you, your kindness, willing to believe in them and so much more.
They can play you but what you gain is awareness and understanding of lifeâs ways.
I finally am not moved by his sullen affect trying to get me to do MORE for him. Or him coming home in a flat mood hoping Iâll dote on him.
They are created early in life. They are not your creation.
Thank you for this video! A clear sign that I'm beginning to heal is that it is becoming very easy to establish and maintain boundaries. I also now understand what has caused me to people-please when clearly I should be authentic and present the real me instead hiding certain aspects of myself because they may not like it. I will no longer do this. I am also able now to distance myself or even walk away from relationships that are imbalanced/one-way without a lot of mental baggage/guilt.
I used to hide my true inner voice for many many years đ€Šââïžnot anymore đif someone doesnât like me tuff shit đ€š
My recovery had me drop 15lbs without exercising because I was out of the sympathetic nervous system âfight-flight-freezeâ mode. I was able to pay attention to and deal with the stress-induced IBS, and now that I could manage that, the weight came off!
Hi Dr,
One of the signs of recovery I experienced was that one day, I stopped blaming myself for what happened to me and why she lifted me. I realized that I was a victim no matter what I did to please her, I get the nah reaction.
I felt normal after she lifted me and started looking for the hobbies I enjoyed doing, restaurants I loved to go to, and people I used to see.
I feel more confident because I am living an entire day without abuse or watching my words and actions just to avoid any sudden strikes.
I started enjoying peace, calmness, and the house is quit, seeing my inner me and it turned out I am a peaceful person
and start believing I was not a bad person and what was happening was because of the covert narcissist Diablo was living with me.
I was diagnosed with Obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression unfortunately and now I have found out because of who.
I am still curing myself, my soul, and building my dignity back.
But over all, I stopped blaming myself and started to look as if it was a blessing she lifted me.
Thank you for your videos. I finally recognized the narcissistic damage that I endured from my mother. It was not just recognizing the toxic nature of the relationship, but I began to see the deep patterns it developed in me and why I became a target of other narcissists and failed to protect myself, my work, and others from them. My mother was deeply wounded by the death of her father, her jealousy of her sister, the love she did not feel from her mother. I knew that from before. Now my mom is 97. She is in a second childhood now. It is a much happier one, and I am glad for her. I no longer ruminate about what she did and what it did to me (and what I "should" have done). I feel at peace.
I agree that this whole experience makes me compassionate for those who are being sucked into the narco abuse. I'm really glad to be where I am.
Thank you again for your work
Well, i I do feel so light and confident than i used to feel few months back. It feels great to get myself back. I feel it's going to be a great year for me after few hard ones. Thanks a lot Doc. You are the best.