Damn. I feel like this wonderful man just answered a question I've been asking forever. I believe I act like I do because of childhood trauma. Ty Dr Gabor 😢❤
while it makes so much sense, those of us who did have traumatic childhoods don't want to feel like we are destined for a life sentence. While I've accepted my childhood an ddon't mourn it anymore, it still feels like it affects my future.
It puts a huge pressure on parents (I am one and I feel so responsible now) and it also makes me want to blame my mother for all the ways she “failed” me. How can an adult come to a place of acceptance about the cards they were dealt with as infants and children? And how to accept ourselves so we’re not paralyzed by the huge task of raising our kids without messing them up? I would love some advice and thoughts from other viewers. I’m a fan and follower of Dr. Maté. I’m looking for support to make the burden of parenting and of self acceptance a little lighter.
Before becoming a parent, I thought long and hard about what I thought of my own childhood. About what my parents did right and wrong, because they did both. I was spanked, but it didn't help so I didn't do that with my children. I wasn't hugged enough, so my children were hugged and loved more . By me at least. And my parents never apologized to me for making any kind of parenting mistake. To small children, parents are godlike. Well I'm not a god, I'm human. So I told my child that I was human, and that humans make mistakes. So when I made a mistake, I immediately apologized for making a mistake . Like if I lost my temper and raised my voice and yelled at them, making them cry. I'm supposed to be the adult, in control of my emotions. So I'd give myself a brief timeout, then I'd apologize and tell them they don't deserve to be yelled at. I also wish my parents had offered me therapy, so I offered it to my children. And I wished my parents had taught me more life skills and personal relationship skills. I had no control over the other parent unfortunately. I apologized to them for my choice of partner too.
@@recoveringsoul755 thanks for taking the time to write this. I didn’t consider apologizing to my kids when I yell for example. I’ll add more of that in.
@@thelifester children tend to blame themselves for everything. We need to recognize that, and remove that self blame from them. Like if mom and dad are fighting, children might blame themselves. I learned about some child development when mine was in preschool and it really helped.
@@recoveringsoul755 Very true about the blaming... Another thing I tend to forget and even exploit subconsciously perhaps. Oh man.. Can you recommend some resources to learn more? I'm taking some courses with Dr. Neufeld like the Power to Parent course. Anything else?
@@thelifester well I got accused of being not clean enough and having too much clutter by my now ex husband all the time. So I saw part of an old Dr. Phil episode (ex wouldn't let me watch, called him a man hater and he'd yell and scream until I changed the channel while standing in front of the TV). ANYWAY, I found the website the next day and was able to read the transcript from the show. I think, for me, reading it was more helpful. But people had left comments, and so many people recommended FlyLady to help clean and get organized. So I checked out her website. She has you start by shining your kitchen sink. Building habits one at a time. She started offering ways to help children. Like the saying "Make it fun and it will get done". Or setting a timer for 15 minutes. If I tell my child to Clean their Room, what does that even mean? No matter how hard the kid tries, a bad parent can claim it's not good enough. So I was specific with my son. I asked for 2 things: put all your clothes in the laundry basket, and make your bed. Because just those 2 things made his room look 100% better. But then FlyLady pointed out another way I was screwing up my child. After he made his bed, I'd frequently go in and REMAKE the bed more perfectly. But THAT was sending the wrong message to my son, that him doing his best wasn't good enough. So it's all about positive reinforcement. The next time he cleaned his room, I asked him if he did his best making the bed, and he said yes. So I bit my tongue, and told him then it's good enough for me. And I left it....arghhh. lol You could look for her site, she has books, a great calendar, tools, and free daily reminders you can sign up for. Not all of us were taught how to clean house as kids, how to cook or do laundry. I tried to equip my kids better than I had been. But I learned new things too. When it's pointed out to me the way a child thinks, it really helps. I even use the 15 minutes timer on myself. Surprised how much cleaning I can get done in that time instead of procrastinating
That's the nature of the beast called life..no one escapes it. If it's not the parents, it's other people, or natural, or freak disasters. NO ONE ESCAPES TRAUMA.
We will never have a different childhood than the one we had. People in their 80's still get memories that they'd forgotten about pop up from time to time.
Since most people/parents are flawed, we need self-healing methods to move forward as adults. There is a point in adult life when the ptsd trauma needs to be settled.
Being a flawed human is not the same as inflicting abuse/neglect on your children. Your use of the word “settled” is bizarre. Sounds like you want to excuse very inexcusable behavior. Too many unfit parents having children that have no business becoming parents.
How healing are the insights , perceptions , life experience , moreover of Dr Gabor Mate's patients who are overcomers of their so called ailments . Send his messages to the four corners of the world .
I would love to speak with you Gabor Mate. You hold the key of understanding that would help me fill in the blanks. You are a beautiful skilled genius who is so insightful and wise.
I relate , I understand ! Understanding comes from experience! My own experience! Gabor is so Right On ,his understanding comes by his own work on himself !!! I "GET IT" ❗
"Any behaviour that a person finds relief & therefore craves in the short-term, but suffers negative consequences in the long-term and doesn't ['give up' despite the negative] consequences." forces me to believe that it is better to relent ("give up") than to fight when I try to rephrase it to fit better into the context of my personal experiences. With an incurable autoimmune disease, for instance, it is easy to accept the word of a professional and to relent, whereas it is uncomfortable to fight because fighting means uncertainty. A cure for the majority of autoimmune diseases is about as uncertain as it gets. I have an incurable gastrointestinal autoimmune disease, a resulting serotonin imbalance, trauma from being subjected to invasive treatment without my content, and adhesions because of the chirurgy. When I feel okay I tend to maintain what seems to be a stable, positive trajectory. An inflexion point that no patient or doctor can foresee is always inevitable. Yes, I do crave relief from my symptoms like pain, diarrhoea, and severe fatigue that I often have, who wouldn't? My question is whether I am supposed to feel guilty about using medication as prescribed by doctors who understand much less than expected about the human immune system when I look at their bill? My family ensures that I do feel guilty especially when considering the financial impact of my disease; the cost of treatment; expensive, well-meaning and/or incompetent doctors; and an imperfect system at any scope. Imagine for a moment healthy natural exercise like jogging or running that a great many people enjoy. In the short term (until it causes "runner's gut") it does feel good exactly because of the endorphins you mention. Symptoms of IBD also become easier to ignore when physically fit and active, because exercise is a perfectly normal, healthy, socially acceptable thing to do. What would you say to that?
That's true. That's a disclosure Dr.Mate didn't mention. But from my experience when you find a good/ trauma informed therapyst soon you will discover some things were not "normal" as your mind made you think to hide the pain.
What she is saying is half truth , experience shows , I understand ,these are the repeated cycle of childhood trauma ! For me based on the first Seven Years of development! She may be speaking of her own cycles and not know it , but inspired to think it !
Crazy as the environment thise who had supportive loving environments deal better with stressful situation while those who suffered unsupported childhoods and have. Disregulted nervous system before they go into battle are more prone to ptsd.
Not traditional therapy alone, no. You need methods to clear the stored trauma and work on subconscious beliefs. Hypnotherapy, meditation, yoga, breathwork, etc.
What a guy! This is what I call a qualified experienced guy! It does NOT matter how one labels, anything; anything that happens to a person leaves a mark. Marks cause residue, sometimes small sometimes large and sometimes in between! He takes, sometimes, very complicated issues and refines and simplifies them for us to understand. To me he is quite simply brilliant.
Yes there is salvation, therapy, emdr, going back to the traumas and working thru them, also understanding that your mom very likely had trauma and is just reacting from that, it’s a brutal vicious cycle.
It's never too early or too late to stand up for yourself! Any physical aggression is wrong, although it is accepted in some cultures. If the hitting is severe, go to a doctor for help. And become independent as soon as possible.
What to do when you are ok but married to someone with childhood trauma and that person is adamant, rigid, non empathetic, has anger bursts and has built core values which are far off what their parents have and that again causes tension in marriage as many core valuess are just nonsense etc.
unrecognized and unresolved traumas passed on to children later in life. you think you are better than your parents but actually carry the same scar tissue and most likely you will pass that on to your children whether you want it or not. broken homes just creates more broken people.
@@robynhope219 ok. Elon Musk is the biggest workaholic but his eyes are looking like an eagle’s eyes. He does not seem like tired, also. This easily refutes your statement. Some people’s eyes are like that. that’s genetics or something. it is not related to anything. Check the kids in your neighbourhood or remember your childhood or primary school. Some kids‘ eyes were looking like an eagle and somes’ eyes were looking like faint and cold. some were handsome, some were not. some were physically powerful, some were skinny, some short, some tall. some were idiots, some were high iq. There are different types.
Well then I had a safe supportive environment so came out of it better but still got ptsd over other things where I did not feel supported.Hmm interesting.
He's not saying that will never happen, he's saying it's far more likely one can come through intense challenges without major damage with a strong positive foundation.
clicked on this just to hear his voice again. Something incredibly soothing about it
Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.
Pema Chodron
This is my kind of person. It always goes back to childhood
I have to start listening to this man.
Bit of a bold claim
You won't regret it. Every interview he does I learn something new and ancient at the same time.
@@bloom4096 oh, pls...there is no bigger trauma expert than Dr. Bessel van der Kolk..this man actually has answers.
Check out his book "The Myth of Normal"... So so good
@@mastersamurai7683 yeah, The Body Knows the Score is much better
Everything this man says is absolutely right
Always
Thats so true ❤
No it's not don't listen to him
@@kathsspencer1282why
The science disagree
He says what people want to hear.@@kathsspencer1282
Damn. I feel like this wonderful man just answered a question I've been asking forever. I believe I act like I do because of childhood trauma. Ty Dr Gabor 😢❤
Oh my god this makes so much sense. Wow
while it makes so much sense, those of us who did have traumatic childhoods don't want to feel like we are destined for a life sentence. While I've accepted my childhood an ddon't mourn it anymore, it still feels like it affects my future.
'Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man'
Very eloquent wise man, everyone needs to hear him speaking
It puts a huge pressure on parents (I am one and I feel so responsible now) and it also makes me want to blame my mother for all the ways she “failed” me. How can an adult come to a place of acceptance about the cards they were dealt with as infants and children? And how to accept ourselves so we’re not paralyzed by the huge task of raising our kids without messing them up? I would love some advice and thoughts from other viewers. I’m a fan and follower of Dr. Maté. I’m looking for support to make the burden of parenting and of self acceptance a little lighter.
Before becoming a parent, I thought long and hard about what I thought of my own childhood. About what my parents did right and wrong, because they did both.
I was spanked, but it didn't help so I didn't do that with my children. I wasn't hugged enough, so my children were hugged and loved more . By me at least. And my parents never apologized to me for making any kind of parenting mistake. To small children, parents are godlike.
Well I'm not a god, I'm human. So I told my child that I was human, and that humans make mistakes. So when I made a mistake, I immediately apologized for making a mistake . Like if I lost my temper and raised my voice and yelled at them, making them cry. I'm supposed to be the adult, in control of my emotions. So I'd give myself a brief timeout, then I'd apologize and tell them they don't deserve to be yelled at.
I also wish my parents had offered me therapy, so I offered it to my children. And I wished my parents had taught me more life skills and personal relationship skills.
I had no control over the other parent unfortunately. I apologized to them for my choice of partner too.
@@recoveringsoul755 thanks for taking the time to write this. I didn’t consider apologizing to my kids when I yell for example. I’ll add more of that in.
@@thelifester children tend to blame themselves for everything. We need to recognize that, and remove that self blame from them. Like if mom and dad are fighting, children might blame themselves. I learned about some child development when mine was in preschool and it really helped.
@@recoveringsoul755 Very true about the blaming... Another thing I tend to forget and even exploit subconsciously perhaps. Oh man.. Can you recommend some resources to learn more? I'm taking some courses with Dr. Neufeld like the Power to Parent course. Anything else?
@@thelifester well I got accused of being not clean enough and having too much clutter by my now ex husband all the time. So I saw part of an old Dr. Phil episode (ex wouldn't let me watch, called him a man hater and he'd yell and scream until I changed the channel while standing in front of the TV). ANYWAY, I found the website the next day and was able to read the transcript from the show. I think, for me, reading it was more helpful. But people had left comments, and so many people recommended FlyLady to help clean and get organized. So I checked out her website.
She has you start by shining your kitchen sink. Building habits one at a time. She started offering ways to help children. Like the saying "Make it fun and it will get done". Or setting a timer for 15 minutes. If I tell my child to Clean their Room, what does that even mean? No matter how hard the kid tries, a bad parent can claim it's not good enough.
So I was specific with my son. I asked for 2 things: put all your clothes in the laundry basket, and make your bed. Because just those 2 things made his room look 100% better. But then FlyLady pointed out another way I was screwing up my child. After he made his bed, I'd frequently go in and REMAKE the bed more perfectly. But THAT was sending the wrong message to my son, that him doing his best wasn't good enough. So it's all about positive reinforcement. The next time he cleaned his room, I asked him if he did his best making the bed, and he said yes. So I bit my tongue, and told him then it's good enough for me. And I left it....arghhh. lol
You could look for her site, she has books, a great calendar, tools, and free daily reminders you can sign up for. Not all of us were taught how to clean house as kids, how to cook or do laundry. I tried to equip my kids better than I had been. But I learned new things too. When it's pointed out to me the way a child thinks, it really helps.
I even use the 15 minutes timer on myself. Surprised how much cleaning I can get done in that time instead of procrastinating
I feel bad knowing how many kids already had been through it. Traumatic childhood.
That's the nature of the beast called life..no one escapes it. If it's not the parents, it's other people, or natural, or freak disasters. NO ONE ESCAPES TRAUMA.
Dr Maté is a super empath.
Just for appearances...
@@robynhope219
No, his life work is not about appearances.
@@Gaeliclass I will not argue...I know what ik!!
@@robynhope219
You started the argument 🙄 not I.
😂
We will never have a different childhood than the one we had. People in their 80's still get memories that they'd forgotten about pop up from time to time.
Memories are not the same as intrusive thoughts. Memories are generally pleasant. PTSD causes intrusive thoughts. Completely different.
I love Dr Mate'! Blessings to you and your family.
Dr. Mate has wonderful insight into Childhood Trauma...smart guy. Thanks Gabor.
Since most people/parents are flawed, we need self-healing methods to move forward as adults. There is a point in adult life when the ptsd trauma needs to be settled.
What exactly does "settled" mean in your reality?
@sandarahcatmom9897 thanks for your kind question. "Settled" as in come to terms with. That answer should help your reality.
@@AnnMitt Thanks.
Being a flawed human is not the same as inflicting abuse/neglect on your children. Your use of the word “settled” is bizarre. Sounds like you want to excuse very inexcusable behavior. Too many unfit parents having children that have no business becoming parents.
@@kimberlymacgregor9340 you seem bizarre. Be more concerned with your brain and not my comment.
How healing are the insights , perceptions , life experience , moreover of Dr Gabor Mate's patients who are overcomers of their so called ailments . Send his messages to the four corners of the world .
I would love to speak with you Gabor Mate. You hold the key of understanding that would help me fill in the blanks. You are a beautiful skilled genius who is so insightful and wise.
O, pls, don't overstate him..he is no genius. A clever businessman, I give him that!
I relate , I understand ! Understanding comes from experience! My own experience!
Gabor is so Right On ,his understanding comes by his own work on himself !!!
I "GET IT" ❗
Completely correct!
This man saved me!
From what?
I agree with Dr. Gabor Mate... but does it mean those who didn't have good supportive system and neglected during childhood are doomed for life?
Everyone can change
Reprocessing therapy is huge. EMDR, IMTT etc
Depends on what we choose to do...Continue being bitter or become better...
My question exactly
No, I have and am thriving in spite of them. 😊
I have been listening to him, for quite a while and always am rewarded with new insight.
"Any behaviour that a person finds relief & therefore craves in the short-term, but suffers negative consequences in the long-term and doesn't ['give up' despite the negative] consequences." forces me to believe that it is better to relent ("give up") than to fight when I try to rephrase it to fit better into the context of my personal experiences.
With an incurable autoimmune disease, for instance, it is easy to accept the word of a professional and to relent, whereas it is uncomfortable to fight because fighting means uncertainty. A cure for the majority of autoimmune diseases is about as uncertain as it gets. I have an incurable gastrointestinal autoimmune disease, a resulting serotonin imbalance, trauma from being subjected to invasive treatment without my content, and adhesions because of the chirurgy. When I feel okay I tend to maintain what seems to be a stable, positive trajectory.
An inflexion point that no patient or doctor can foresee is always inevitable. Yes, I do crave relief from my symptoms like pain, diarrhoea, and severe fatigue that I often have, who wouldn't? My question is whether I am supposed to feel guilty about using medication as prescribed by doctors who understand much less than expected about the human immune system when I look at their bill? My family ensures that I do feel guilty especially when considering the financial impact of my disease; the cost of treatment; expensive, well-meaning and/or incompetent doctors; and an imperfect system at any scope.
Imagine for a moment healthy natural exercise like jogging or running that a great many people enjoy. In the short term (until it causes "runner's gut") it does feel good exactly because of the endorphins you mention. Symptoms of IBD also become easier to ignore when physically fit and active, because exercise is a perfectly normal, healthy, socially acceptable thing to do. What would you say to that?
It's not always in the teenage, to some it starts from 6 🙂.
Finally, the truth! 🌟
Thank you. So in lighting
I love you Gabor ❤
You can still have you PTSD from war even if you had a normal childhood.
That's true. That's a disclosure Dr.Mate didn't mention. But from my experience when you find a good/ trauma informed therapyst soon you will discover some things were not "normal" as your mind made you think to hide the pain.
What she is saying is half truth , experience shows , I understand ,these are the repeated cycle of childhood trauma ! For me based on the first Seven Years of development!
She may be speaking of her own cycles and not know it , but inspired to think it !
Spot on!
Crazy as the environment thise who had supportive loving environments deal better with stressful situation while those who suffered unsupported childhoods and have. Disregulted nervous system before they go into battle are more prone to ptsd.
That makes since.
Yep and therapy will ever get rid of it
Not traditional therapy alone, no. You need methods to clear the stored trauma and work on subconscious beliefs. Hypnotherapy, meditation, yoga, breathwork, etc.
the trauma gets worse over time we adults see the truth clearly and stop living with ideal thoughts
The trauma gets worse...how so?
Not true for me.
♥️👌💯🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Thank you Dr.Mate...I suffer ...complex PTSD....your information is very helpful...thank you
What a guy! This is what I call a qualified experienced guy! It does NOT matter how one labels, anything; anything that happens to a person leaves a mark. Marks cause residue, sometimes small sometimes large and sometimes in between! He takes, sometimes, very complicated issues and refines and simplifies them for us to understand. To me he is quite simply brilliant.
So there’s no salvation for us who had terrible moms who spanked us every single day? My mom still humiliates me every day.
Yes there is salvation, therapy, emdr, going back to the traumas and working thru them, also understanding that your mom very likely had trauma and is just reacting from that, it’s a brutal vicious cycle.
It's never too early or too late to stand up for yourself! Any physical aggression is wrong, although it is accepted in some cultures. If the hitting is severe, go to a doctor for help. And become independent as soon as possible.
What to do when you are ok but married to someone with childhood trauma and that person is adamant, rigid, non empathetic, has anger bursts and has built core values which are far off what their parents have and that again causes tension in marriage as many core valuess are just nonsense etc.
A big, fat, Yup to that lady and her first question.
unrecognized and unresolved traumas passed on to children later in life. you think you are better than your parents but actually carry the same scar tissue and most likely you will pass that on to your children whether you want it or not. broken homes just creates more broken people.
Gabor really looks exhausted here😅
He is a total workaholic to cover his miseries...not a role model!
@@robynhope219but you both didnt take into consideration that he is old.
@@userjeremysheeran not all oldsters look as exhausted...he is a self proclaimed workaholic, and it shows.
@@robynhope219 ok. Elon Musk is the biggest workaholic but his eyes are looking like an eagle’s eyes. He does not seem like tired, also. This easily refutes your statement.
Some people’s eyes are like that. that’s genetics or something. it is not related to anything.
Check the kids in your neighbourhood or remember your childhood or primary school. Some kids‘ eyes were looking like an eagle and somes’ eyes were looking like faint and cold. some were handsome, some were not. some were physically powerful, some were skinny, some short, some tall. some were idiots, some were high iq. There are different types.
@@userjeremysheeran Elon is in his mid 50s..yes of course genetics enter in, but I also think GM has a chronic eye condition.
Why the heck this bloke involved himself with the traitor Harry I will never know did him no favours at all
For sure, and he charged ppl who watched... uk why? He is greedy for money and fame.
@@robynhope219he doesn't have bills to pay? What judgmental jerks you two are.
This man took my daughter away. He breaks families up.
Did he marry her ?
Nice story, lol.
Well then I had a safe supportive environment so came out of it better but still got ptsd over other things where I did not feel supported.Hmm interesting.
He's not saying that will never happen, he's saying it's far more likely one can come through intense challenges without major damage with a strong positive foundation.
Freud was right
At least, he did open the door in order to begin exploring seriously the other side of the looking-glass.
This guys a fraud
Yes, but it's very unoptimistic to think you can't heal. You may need be extremly resoursful but it can happen. For me its been homeopathy.
Homeopathy for what?
Homeopathy is mummo jumbo and even if it wasn't it doesn't in any way help deal with childhood trauma.
Placebo effect...