Obsessive Love Can Cross The Line Into Dangerous Delusion
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I get letters from people who claim to want to heal from limerence - which is an addiction-level romantic obsession with someone who doesnât want to be with you. But sometimes, the letter itself feels toxic to me - like they want to tell me about their limerence and PRETEND they want help, when what they really want to is to tell anyone who will listen ALL ABOUT their obsession. Limerence has to be fed to keep it going, and so normally, I wonât feed it. People know Iâm tough on this. So normally when I get the feeling that someone is in danger, or putting someone else in danger, I refer them immediately to professional help. Which is what I did with this letter writer. But for everyone who struggles with limerence, I believe you may find it helpful to HEAR what limerent thinking sounds like in someone else. In this video I respond to letter from a man who is experiencing the distorted thinking that is common with limerence.
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The person being stalked is probably afraid of a backlash if she rejects him too directly. Women get attacked, sometimes fatally, when they turn someone like this down.
I donât think this is gendered. Men do their damndest so women donât get too attached most of the time. Itâs mostly men who conceal their phone numbers and social medias and even real names out of self preservation.
Yeah and this man is big! He said 6â3! Thatâs super scary.
Came here to say this. Women are afraid of rejecting men because of the danger it can put them in. Especially with someone who's pursuing them despite multiple rejections.
@ 10:48 she laughs at him in a mocking laugh.
She's not afraid of rejecting him. It actually sounds like she's deriving pleasure from the power trip of turning him down.
@@MrWallyroosterno, that was just his interpretation, which sounds like a delusion of reference tbh. It's just a very sad situation.
Five bucks says he spooked her back during the first meeting when he was touching her hair and he didnât even stop to notice her reaction.
Totally, I was thinking the same thing.
Exactly what i was thinking. That why was her hair stroked the first time he met her? Also insisting on a kiss after someone told you they don't want to be with you?
This is what scares me about people sometimes. They're so deluded in thinking they're a nice person whilst literally harming you.
Whats really creepy is him reciting the days of the week she did XYZ, FIFTEEN YEARS ago. That kinda sent chills down my spine. Like "and the next Wednesday she...", like it was last week. It was 15 years ago. Jeez
Also, he definitely wasnt randomly given her number by a friend at a dance class either. How he get her number was also creepy too, but he glossed over that.
His emotional experience is "I am just a little kid, needing my mom to love me, why won't she love me?!" and he can't look past that to see the reality of what he's doing...
And also "this woman is/was my only chance/only hope."
đHis motherâs hate for his existence is why he chose someone who is beautiful to him but despises him.
đ for Ben. How difficult it is feeling unwanted and unloved by parents. I hope for his healing. Thank you Anna for giving us the example of what limerance can devlop into.
I love how caring and non judgemental this comment is †Ben for sure needs love and very clearly has a very warped idea of what love is, which likely stems from his deep childhood wounds from within his family/home, which should have been his safest place.
No empathy or respect for her. It's 100% totally about how he feels and what he wants. If I were her I would be afraid he would do something bad to me. When he talked about her laughing at him, I suddenly became very scared for her.
Exactly, the girl must be traumatised, afraid to go and socialise so she doesnât run into him, yet all he thinks about is his feelings and needs.
@@Thinker814 đŻâ€ïž
There is this young woman I work with who is a server. I go and have her wait on me so I can see her. I've realized I'm being disrespectful to someone I care about. If she wanted to see me, we would date. I think about her, I miss her. I want her to be safe and happy. I won't be having her wait on me anymore. Like I said, I'm being disrespectful, making her interact with me. Don't mistake my caring for anything else. Now, I understand what a mistake I am making with her. I hope we can spend time together in the future. I will let time heal my stupid mistakes. She really is someone I want to get to know.
@@jasonfitzpatrick414 or just expand your pool of dateable women and release some of that romantic energy onto other women. Worst that can happen is that you make some female friends.
@@georockstar09 đŻ scarcity mindset keeps people single đ
Man, people can be scary.
I have some sympathy for the inner child who is obviously very wounded, but the man needs to get real with himself and get some help. I hope he is able to get it together and stop this behavior.
I'm sure that girl has been thoroughly traumatized by him.
Listen to Anna, Ben. This woman doesn't want you and you are scaring her. You can get over her. Like any addiction, you've got a great chance of kicking this habit. Treat it like a drug addiction and quit indulging in it. Take back control of your life!
I had some guys like this in my life. One of them: I kissed him in 1999 and he spent the rest of his life trying to be close to me. I had to block him, ignore him, tell (upfront) him I didn't want him around because it makes me uncomfortable. Once he got my number and sent me a msg saying he would kidnap me. He found it very romantic and sexy, but I freaked out and blocked him. That's not love!
Oh no, I'm sorry - that would have been terrifying and really affected your life, to be told you'd be kidnapped!
I have been that girl. And it is absolutely terrifying. Classmate stalked me for over 2 years like this. Still affected me 20 years later, when i thought i was finally free of the fear. Another much older man, who i thought was a friend, repeatedly trampled my explicit boundaries with his own limerence. Trying to forcibly groom me into his perfect younger model girlfriend. The only way it stopped, was me going completely no-contact and then him essentially being kicked from our social group because of additional old creeper behavior to other women.
Insisted on having a kiss is actually crazy đ
Listening to this makes my stomach hurt and alarm bells go off. I hope this person finds the help he needs. This feels on the brink of dangerous.
Iâve never commented before, but this letter really freaked me out. I had a stalking situation with someone who was just like the letter-writer. It went on for years, even after I refused to respond to him in any way. He thought there was hidden meaning in my reactions, in my life, and he always pretended he was only being helpful, friendly, innocent. But it was all manipulation. I would think it was finally over, but months later he would resurface and say things that showed heâd kept it alive all that time. He would try to score points, I guess, by revealing that he knew all sorts of details about my daily life that to this day Iâve no idea how he knew. Everyone else who knew him thought he was so harmless, so nice, meek even. But the longer it went on, the more there was anger, entitlement, rage, just under the surface. He would say things under his breath that no one else heard. It was terrifying.
Omg...how did it end? Did he ever just completely stop or you called the cops?
I had a very similar experience with someone just like this! đź
@@senukuli
We worked at the same company & eventually I left. First I took a position on another part of campus a short drive away. But he started leaving notes on my car, such as reminding me my inspection was coming due. (Parking lot was the size of two football fields & always full) Turns out he knew I went to the gym after work, what projects I was on, what I wore sometimes. Any one thing seemed harmless, he gave a compliment or did an unasked-for favor. So I started making lists w/ dates & times. To be clear, I had already told him-in writing-that I didnât want to see, speak to, or hear from him unless it was unavoidable for work. I gave him every benefit of the doubt & I felt bad for him. At first, HR treated it as an âemployee disputeâ & encouraged us to âwork it outâ. This was terrible advice as any reaction from me, even looking in his direction, was taken as encouragement. He showed up places outside of work, like it was some happy coincidence. I thought he was hapless but he knew what he was doing the whole time. Oh my gosh, Iâm still furious just talking about it. Itâs been a few years since Ive heard a peep, though. So I assume heâs moved on.
@@Stopnormalizingviolence I was shocked by how invasive and disturbing this was. It was terrible I hope your situation worked out okay.
@@julieann376 that's so scary omgđđđ nd it does sound infuriating
i always find it so weird when someone is like "i was so considerate of them!!" while doing whatever with no regards to how the other person might feel about it at all
Unfortunately this man may not have ever had a healthy relationship if his obsession began at age 17. He doesn't know how to navigate a friendship or love relationship. He would probably become obsessed again if he became interested in someone else ans scare them away. I hope he can seek help so he has a chance at something good and real.
Something I've noticed (in my past self primarily, and also in a lot of self processed "radical feminists" at times) that's really exemplified here is how traumatized people will often perceive ourselves so completely as the victim in a scenario - and to be fair, it is genuine perception based on how wretched we feel - but to the point that we seem sincerely convinced that we are incapable of causing harm.
"I'm just a pathetic little puppy dog with a broken heart and a shattered self, the vitriol I spew at other people can't possibly affect them because after all, it's just retaliation and I am so small and powerless" is a mindset that can ruin not just your own life but that of others. Thank you Anna for helping me to recognize and heal this in myself. I hope this person is able to move forward.
Such a tough realization, but so important!!! Many toxic people truly were severely victimized in the past. Doesn't mean they can't severely hurt others.
I'm here for this tough love arc đđ
OMG! That's scary. The most scary isn't he being infatuated and obsessed, that's quite common, but he denying his true intentions with this "puppy", "naive" stuff. It's disturbing.
Dude, if someone rejects you, the most respectful thing to do is STOP contacting them. It's creepy af. If she doesn't answer you, it's because she doesn't want to. She must be terrified. Maybe you think your intentions are good, but you're literally stalking her.
This is terrifying. I've been in that girl's position, and the effects linger forever. Thanks for calling it out for what it is, and for referring the person to professional help. I hope they listen to you and i hope tney heal.
Iâve had men do this to me. Itâs terrifying. looking back I was too scared at first to assert my boundaries with him at the beginning and just tried to be nice ( and due to CPTSD i didnât even think I had the right to have any) It got to the point where he was leaving me elaborate presents, stalking my friends, waiting outside my apartment for hour on in the rain.
I have some empathy for the letter writer, but there is no real love and care for victim of his obsession, it isnât even about her at all itâs all about his fantasy.
I hope he got help
I think the girl sensed that Ben is quite disturbed and had a very difficult childhood and did not want to deal with him..
*puppies are not stalkers* well said
"I was pure tenderness with her...like a puppy...". *Shudder*
This person is in a dire need of intervention. The way he keeps crossing paths with her... This is textbook stalking.
If you were like a puppy, you would have peed on the carpet and chewed her slippers. The other stuff isn't like a puppy. It's something else.
Being realistic with yourself is really difficult.
Another method to release people from your fantasy world is to be respectful of them. They donât need anyone taking up their time. They donât need to have someone in their life who is frightening them with disgusting actions. Be respectful and donât impose on them.
What about when you fantasize about them but you don't interact w them irl?
@@Anxious_deer.777 Why would you want to do that to yourself? It's just not healthy.
@@Anxious_deer.777
No, free yourself. Donât feed a neurosis.
It's crazy how our upbringing affects our ability to cope with these things. I'm sure that all of us here with CPTSD experienced rejection countless times, but some recover and move on while others get stuck for years on someone they just met and do things that are way out of line. I hope that everyone in this story gets a chance to heal and find happyness, but the girl that gave some random guy her friend's number doesn't get my sympathy. Who does that?
Right, I don't give out anyone's contact info without their permission!
~When ive noticed im getting limerent, my 'go to thinking', has been every negative thing about them i can think of....and exaggerated a little bit, too~That has worked for me~
Hey, that's cool! It also works in reverse, like if you have to deal with a really difficult person at work, just keep reminding yourself of their positive traits and focus on that when you have to be around them :)
Limmerence can also occur in friendship or colleagues and platonic relationships, i just started to notice that i have this because there are things that i want in the relationship and its not about the relatonship per së , its about the objective you are using to cope with traumatic programmed thinking, its really sad sometimes because you can still start to care about the person but lose them because you are acting toxic, after 2 and a half years of therapy for quiet borderline and cptsd i finally have a little bit more grip on when and why and who started it, and how to avoid it, also thanks to crappy childhood fairy!!
I sure appreciate your insight and candor đđŻđđ!! I've had this too, in my early teens & adulthood, mostly as a result of spending my childhood daydreaming & fantasizing to escape my reality. So slipping into Limerance was a natural development for me. I thought my intense feelings were the essence of true Love. Then I got to experience the dark side of this from a narcissistic partner where there was no love .....only his possessive sense of ownership and entitlement đĄ
Great insight!
Well done you. I relate as well. I've had extreme limerence for others and have also been the object of it. I've both had the impulses to stalk myself and have been stalked. It was the most terrifying experience I ever had, so thank you for your insight and going to therapy. â€ïžâđ©č
excellent insight Anna, wow! thank you, it is such a relevant topic - stalking, every stalker thinks they are just romantic, heroic and loving while in fact they are abusive! please donÂŽt stalk people, it is truly disgusting!
Yes, the intensity of the limmerance will be proportional to the lack of meaning and percieved worth in the test of Bens life.
Regrettably this stems from something horrible and terrifying that Ben has already managed to survive (his abusive upbringing).
Since he has survived he is a survivor. Ben can stop self victimising and victimising others (that girl) only once he realises and accepts his survivor status.
This reads like a 19th century Russian short story with a tragic ending.
I find your tough love so helpful. Limerence is no joke, and I like it when you tell us how it is and call us out about what's wrong. This has helped me to be more and more realistic about it and do everything to stay away from my LO in every sense. Thank you, Anna, keep up the good work.
Well done you
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This happened to me twice... I was very afraid when the men refused to give up despite my blatant rejection. I don't know why they don't realise how creepy they are. They even thought I was playing hard-to-get.
I knew they probably had abandonment wounds but didn't dare show them empathy. I had to be harsh and cruel to them as an attempt to drive them away and get them to stop chasing.
Did that work?
I was stalked by someone that sounds like this. Each time the person sees me, the interest is renewed. He became very dangerous and ignored PO's, police talking to him, so boundaries are laughable.
This was very helpful for me. I realize I had been conflating limerance and fantasizing, and they are in fact different things. When I fantasize, I am not confused about what is real and what isn't, nor am I doing anything to other person that impacts them. I'm also not setting myself up for disappointment because I am aware it is a fantasy and not a logical train of thought. I'd been being pretty judgey about myself and this example made it clear which criteria turn from innocent fantasy to something darker. Really appreciate the insight.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
This is a great comment. My limerance sort of faded into chronic fantasizing because at some point I learned to talk myself down from the irrationality and delusional aspects where I would think this person is/could be interested in me (he's waaaaay out of my league) so I would tell myself, even by writing out "he's very nice to think about but nothing will ever happen," and so on. I had to do it repeatedly and still sometimes I have to do a little reality check to remind myself, but now I think it's fairly harmless. The compulsive nature of the fantasizing is probably pretty unhealthy but it's much better than it was when I had a crashing depression when I accepted that he would never want me.
Oh, Ben. Hope you' ll get the real love you really look for, but specially the love for yourself and self-respect. Many of us are on this pathđȘđŒ. Try some spiritual approach if you like to
The hobby of model car building has brought meaning and joy in my life and it has filled the void for me...
I know a lot of the comments sound judgy, but regardless of what anyone thinks of you: get help. If only for the fact that you could end up in jail or something if you continue down this road.
Dude he met her once wtf đđ
I've been listening to these letters for a long time now, and this is the first one that really freaked me out and the first one I could find no compassion for... we need stronger laws against stalkers - this is horrendous!
Ben i believe in you, im so sorry, you had to live through this horrible childhood. Your mom trying to kill you five times, what kind of hell is this. For me it felt like, i had do get the love of a dismissive guy who didn't want me to finally be good enough and deserve to be alive. Fatherwounds. I don't know if that is also part of your obsession but it will never work. You have to go cold turkey and take ownership of your life, get the fudge away from your mom, that can not be healthy and prioritise yourself and be kind to yourself. Your behaviour really wasn't right but you clung on to something to keep you going so forgive yourself. Renounce this behavior utterly and move on. There is no healing in self hate.
This poor guy is in so much pain. I pray he will get the help he needs.
This person makes me mad... đ€
Who does that?!?
I would have called the cops on him for sure!
I think Iâve crossed the line too when my ex would constantly block me mid-sentence and ignore me for weeks and months. It triggered me so badly that I sent dozens of emails. đą I feel so ashamed
You can't be limerant about an ex because you've had a relationship with them, that's not limerance
"Baby Reindeer" đź
Im wondering if the girl in the story was his mother's affection he was seeking.
How does someone who claims his mother tried to unalive him several times live with and off of her.đ€ I'm sensing so much entitlement and also internal rage from this person. I've been stalked by a few men, and I know how scared that young woman probably feels to this very day. Being stalked can really be devastating because it can take away your sense of safety in the world.
This was painful to watch. It happened to me, and I married him! It was rebranded, and it took me over 30 years to get away.
I feel sorry for you.
Can you tell the detail about what he's doing when he approach you n after married?
@@yellowroom2581 The best information I can give is that he never took "no" for an answer, and when there was a barrier, very creative ways of getting around them.
This is why I had to change my phone number multiple times over the course of four years and avoid Facebook like the plague.
This is one of the most sad stories Iâve ever heard literally made me cry
Female here, did something similar to a really nice man 23 years younger than me. Several apologies yielded no response.
He's also chronically ill with the same brain disease I'm trying to recover from.
I wish I had moved away when the opportunity presented itself. đą
I wonder if Ben can go to a mental rehab before he hurts himself or someone else..
This note feels like a very strong sense entitlement to the woman, and total lack of respect and accountability for his actions. How scared that women must've felt. His whole story reminds me of what I've seen so many times in the incel communities which seem to be a growing problem.
3:43 yeah she got creeped out so she left. What friend gives out the phone # ?????
Dude thinks she's some angel, a goddess when she's just a girl who probably has many flaws.
Wow he totally disturbed the poor girl. He's actually convinced himself they are friends but they met once.
Yes "Ben" please get help to process the abuse you experienced as a child â€â€â€
The biggest lie he's telling himself is that he worked things out with this mom. I can promise you, a mother like that has absolutely no desire to accept any part of the damage she has caused, let alone make any of the necessary concessions required to actually mend their relationship. That's another crapfit lie he's telling himself.
No means no .... Leave her alone.
She has made it clear that she isn't interested.
Anna, thank you so so much for this video. Your ability to interpret these letters is incredible, and your delivery of insights and legitimate analysis is as intelligent and discerning as it is entertaining. I think this was a very necessary video. Lot of hard truths, but that's the point sometimes. It's not easy, getting better, and at some point we have to face the music. You are the best way I've ever faced the music. Sending so much love and many blessings to you.
I feel so sad and angry for this young woman. Women are socialized to be polite and empathetic. I'm 60, and after one dinner date, I politely told a former co-worker I was not interested in a relationship with him. He responded with daily calls and texts asking why he was not my cup of tea, and if someone, perhaps his ex wife, told me negative things about him. Huh? Who? I very firmly said, again, I was not interested in a relationship and we are both too old for this childish conversation. All contact ceased.
Watched a couple of older movies last month that had examples of limerence, but with one going over the line into obsession & stalking. The 1st was Four Weddings & a Funeral. Fiona traveled in the same group as Charles, but was secretly in love with him the whole time. She knew he didn't feel the same, handled it maturely and she eventually moves on. Nice touch by the screenwriter to show, at movie's end, a happy wedding photo of her and her new husband, the then Prince Charles.
Then there's The Graduate. Ben's obsession for Elaine goes over the line when he basically stalks her at her college. Yes, it's just a movie. Yes, she reciprocates his feelings for her, kinda. But how can you not come away thinking this movie does a major disservice to any poor soul battling limerence by building false hope.
Interestingly, just now realized in this letter to Anna, it's also "Ben", and, his obsession, he refers to as "E" (Elaine?). Hmm... sorry Ben, that's where the similarities end. Listen to Anna, get the help you need and then follow Fiona's lead. Your true love, your princess, is in waiting. You'll know her when you meet her. She'll be the one that loves you back.
St Elmoâs Fire also has a couple of limerence storylines, presented as romantic- has not aged well!
I thought of Sex, Lies and Videotape where James Spader plays a guy who loses touch with reality and is obsessed with someone he hasn't seen for many years.
It's an amazingly common plot point in media, especially sitcoms- shows like Frasier and Friends practically glorify limerence and show male characters with unhealthy fixations on women they pretend to be friends with ultimately succeeding in their subterfuge and establishing a relationship with the woman they've objectified.
As much as people might scoff if I use a word like "patriarchy" there really is no more apt way to describe the systems that excuse at best or outright romanticise male obsession at worst. Even stories for children depict women as objects, macguffins that advance the plot and a reward for the male protagonist after he completes his adventure.
Media and society shames women for obsessive, stalkerish behaviour as well it should. However the double standard when it comes to men is disgraceful, pretty much the exact same behaviours are glorified when men exhibit them, sometimes it feels like as far as society is concerned a woman is "obsessed" but a man is merely "passionate" or "persistent" and that desperately needs to change.
â@Loutron3030 đŻ Thank you! I didn't want to use the "p" word, but that's exactly what it is!
He is so scary :(
Awful to listen to this. My life has been broken by the curse of limerence.
The magical thinking and the exalted vocabulary to justify my idiocy.
The memory shames me to a painful degree, i wish i had insights into my insanity then and had the advice and compassion of somebody who understood the place i was in and could have offered me a path out of my limerence induced craziness.
I am SO embarrassed and SO, SO SO sorry for how i was and how i behaved.
I hope if you remember me, you remember me with more kindness than i deserve. đą
I was a sufferer for 45 years (same person). I did suffer, too, but I didn't do anything bad. It crippled my life in many respects. I did have his son though, which provided me with somewhat of an outlet. The other thing that helped were CGT techniques, whenever my thinking became obsessive.
"I am SO embarrassed and SO, SO SO sorry for how i was and how i behaved.
I hope if you remember me, you remember me with more kindness than i deserve."
Yep.
@@vernaxxx8940 At least you have a child from the relationship and hopefully that gives you some sense that your time wasn't entirely wasted.
The CGT techniques is great advice, I wish I had had the sense to do something like that.
In my case it felt like a drug addiction, the up's were amazing and the downs devastating. With that analogy I decided to go cold turkey, no contact and a new job in a new town.
However, I wish I had the benefit of professional advice, because for years I obsessed uncontrollabley, over what I felt I had lost.
When I find myself wandering the lonely lanes of magical thinking, I stop myself by remembering a particularly embarrassing line I wrote, and that embarrassment brings me back to reality.
I also remember Dickens. As a young man he was totally enamoured by a beautiful young woman and would hang out at night looking up at her bedroom window, however, her father refused him permission to see her.
Years later when Dickens was world famous, he received a letter from her, inviting him to lunch. He was hugely excited and equally disappointed when the "love of his life" had turned into a portly, prissy woman, with no interests, conversation or intelligence.
Thank you for your insights and take care
@@acousvnt thank you my dear, your "yep" tells me all I need to know about you.
Take care â„
Thereâs an awful lot of women getting attacked and other here in Australia and I imagine itâs people with feeling s like this who are the culprits . Itâs awful how people who need so much love like this ( proably including myself but not dangerous ) who then let their emotions in a heat of a moment get the better of them ..
SLAA--is wonderfully well-suited for your writer. For me too. Even though I'm not currently engaged in this behavior, the potential could arise Dude, do her suggestions for stopping obsessive thoughts. It's a sad jail to live in. Realize ir is not about her but what she symbolizes in your life. There are medications that help, get them from the psyche MD you are going to see. You asked Anna for her help and that is what she suggests! Have hope for yourself!
Time for a refresher meeting!
Iâve been that girl with several men and itâs an absolutely terrifying
Revenge and Anger can be so Addictive. It doesn't work for me. Peace Love
Yes this isn't limerance this obsession and stalking. He isn't seeing her signs as polite rejection. He does need help. I hope he gets the help.
Ben definitely needs serious professional help... He needs to get a mental health diagnosis and get the proper therapy and medication before legal issues begin to arise and he does permanent damage to himself..
Ben needs to realize a criminal record follows you for life...
I canât help but wonder if this individual could possibly be on the spectrum? The lack of awareness of how the object of his limerance feels is striking. As I was listening to this letter, it reminded me so much of my brother. He was once in a real bad way after the girl he liked (this was in his mid twenties) was moving abroad to be with another man. This fragrant language you speak of was also something he did. I saw his social media conversations and he used this same fragrant language to describe how lost he was months after our mother passed away. He was very much enmeshed with her. I believe she was narcissistic.
The best advice for women is to be clear. A lot of men don't have dating experience and get fixated. Just talk to them and straighten things out before they go haywire. Protect yourself. Guys- cut this crap out. Servers don't want to date you. The woman smiling is being nice. Take the opportunity to ask them out, no, means no.
Talking to them gives them words and actions to twist to their advantage. No contact is essential.
From my experience, talking straightforwardly to someone behaving like the person in this letter doesn't do much, the other person is so fixated on their fantasies that they distort the words to fit their vision.
Things can go "haywire" even before any words are exchanged. A friend of mine told a guy she wasn't interested because she is a lesbian and he took it as a challenge.
Also as someone mentioned in another comment, it might not even be safe to express rejection directly. Leaving the situation safe and alive/unharmed is priority.
@@nahaiatours
You are correct. Any words or actions can be distorted. If you ignore them you are playing hard to get. If you speak to them you are in love with them.
Women have learnt the hard way to avoid outright rejecting men because of too many men getting angry, sometimes aggressive, with them for it. That's why many women have learnt to ghost or otherwise not outright reject. It feels safer.
You sound like a healthy dude with a good head on your shoulders. The world needs more guys like you. Cheers.
I have no credentials in psychology other than as an interest and how it relates to my own experiences, so I'm just floating a thought here: when I was younger, limerence was a huge issue for me, and as an older person it's not, so I'm looking at it from two angles and how my thoughts have shifted. In the periods of time when I was most limerent, there was a feeling of scarcity. Sure there were a lot of women in the world, but only a VERY TINY POOL or even JUST ONE that could possibly be "my soulmate," and like a recurring theme in movies, stories, songs, and so on, there was this urgent sense that I HAD to make something happen with this one person or I would be doomed to misery forever. It was the realization that in real, actual relationships, there are many people with such different combinations of compatibilities and incompatibilities, and no one true answer to who anyone should spend time with. There isn't scarcity; there is abundance. Yeah, we do meet some people who in the moment seem so different and unique that our brains suggest there's something special or magical here, but saying "I will never experience such a feeling toward anyone else" is... well, it's wrong. The feeling is only as connected to a specific other person as we make it to be. Not to mention, you don't actually WANT to have that exact feeling for a protracted period of time.
So, TL;DR: limerence comes hand in hand with a perceived scarcity, in my experience.
Spot on!
The sad part is theres an entire Law of Assumption/Neville Goddard industry that would convince this man if he just believes it hard enough, she will be his. And that all her rejection behavior is just the "3d not conforming." I wish youd make a video on this industry and how bad it is for Limerence.
I feel like this situation/perspective was just one on a slippery slope/spectrum that is often normalized: idealizing partners/relationships and making romance the ultimate part of human existence. There are people who are in relationships and sometimes even break up who have this mindset of being completely self absorbed without even realizing it because they wont acknowledge that the ultimate goal to their actions is to get the other person to stay.
Incredibly helpful video. Thank you.
Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
CZcams is ridiculously smarmy about what they censor
This one really helped me to see and understand more things in my life
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyI understood that my ex was selfish and delusional, trying to buy my love with gifts and citizenship
This is so sad for so many years. I hope he gets the help he needs.
And people wonder why women choose the bear đ
What does this mean? I've seen bear comments and don't know what it refers to.
@@kensmith2796 worth googling it for full explanation. But basically women would feel safer encountering a bear than a man for all sorts of reasons to do with safety, violence against women, men who pretend to be innocent and naive but are actually incredibly dangerous (even stalkers).
@@kensmith2796 There was a viral question on whether women would rather be in the woods alone with a bear or a man... Most women chose the bear.
@@Dibbz_TV Thank you for the explanation. Now I understand. I would probably choose the bear as well.
@@kensmith2796 Glad to help. Iâm a dude and I get it tbh. Though itâs lonely out here for good men tho so we struggle too.
While I feel sad and hurt for Ben, and I understand his upbringing, I also feel sad and terrified for this girl. You are stalking her, and she isn't interested. I have been on both sides of the coin, and it isn't nice. I'm sorry to say, but he sounds dangerous. Please, please get help. Facing the truth is hard. I wish you and the girl the best.
I'm honestly getting the sense he may also be somewhere on the autism spectrum in addition to the trauma. Creepy behavior, yes. Obsessive, unhealthy, scary, creepy, over the line 100%. But I also do see how he could easily think he had done nothing wrong if he were autistic. Maybe I'm making excuses, but it really reminds me of an autistic boy I went to high school with. He was in love with my best friend and she was not kind to him nor did she want the attention or owe him kindness. But it genuinely wasn't from a place of anything other than "pure love" on his end. Still wouldn't excuse stalking behavior tho but I do wonder if it might be a factor
It could also simply be that he has Alexathymia. Most people with CPTSD also have Alexathymia. Which is the inability to read other people's emotions or to truly tell how you feel. I don't think he's autistic, I think he just has some serious cPTSD issues going on
â@ketosisweightloss9480 stop. This guy is reciting the DAYS of events that took place 15 years ago, as if they happened last week. He is CLEARLY obsessed and stalking. The "random" bumping into her, her "random" friend giving him her number, etc. Even his bad story isnt as bad as it is. If he just had a case of not reading people well, he still would have moved on. This guy's saying "on Wednesday she..." to a Wednesday that happened 15 years ago.
@@MrAhuraMazda and that's what I was adding to. He doesn't seem like a cluster B but more like an anxiously attached codependent with Alexathymia and limerance issues. The Alexathymia and CODEPENDENCY would make him blind to seeing the many ways he's violating and invading her personal boundaries. The anxious attachment is always the culprit behind immature attachments. He seems to think the girl likes him more than she does. I feel that if he wear a cluster B like a narcissist or psychopath, he would have crossed the line of both physical and sexual violation, especially considering how obsessed he seems.
Ive been researching this topic for donkey years.
People who have stalkers are narcissists
We need to stop blaming the stalker
I feel this. In your response.
I fantasize about a lot of stuff & a person or 2. and rarely live in the real world, and itâs true⊠I feel like I wonât be happy until Iâm with this person forever
Wow. Thanks.
This is so sad. After a number of bad experiences, this sounds like the way I behave when I really like someone. I have the ability to see I need help to see what is happening for the person, and to learn to examine and adapt my thinking, which is troubling.
We're here to support you!
Nika@TeamFairy
Wowđł scary
Been there đą
Crazy mad stalker. He just talked with her one time and went fully crazy!!!
We are all this guy.
I just discovered your channel and I am so grateful I did. I have learned so much and identify heavily with many of the topics you discuss.
Thank you for sharing!!
I have dealt with CPSD my whole life.. I tried talk therapy for years (since I was a kid) and things werenât moving. I was still having trouble in most areas of my life.. highly sensitive.. easily triggered.. not able to have healthy relationships (in general, much less romantically).
Over the last year, I have done EMDR therapy and it has truly created movement in my healing journey. I believe I have found âwhat worksâ.. for me.
Pairing EMDR therapy with learning more about topics you discuss.. coping mechanisms, etc.. has truly helped me come back home to myself.
Thank you for helping to give definitions and context to those of us who feel we are lost in the thicket.. pained by adverse childhood events.
I have tried to fix myself for years.. I still have a hunger for understanding modalities of healing..etc. So I identify with you.
Canât say how much appreciate your work.
Many blessings to you!!
Thank you for sharing! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Jesus Christ, this is such a common behaviour of male entitlement. I canât even describe how familiar this story sounds, Iâve been through it, my female friends have had situations like that. Saying no and blocking someone should be the most self explanatory thing ever, when are people going to grasp that. No means no.
I am not defending this guys behavior at all, its uncomfortable and super creepy. Let me explain why men are like this. For most women, they get hit on all the time. you can have a woman who is a 3 out of 10, at a bar still getting hit on. Even men who are 8's wont get hit on. So, 90% of men are not used to; people being nice to them, women being nice to them, or even a woman being romantically interested. A lot of times, women will agree to give their number out, then doesn't respond, giving a man, in his head mixed messages. This leaves millions of men desperate for attention, and with unfulfilled needs. Yes no means no-but when someone becomes so desperate to fulfill their needs, they will manipulate reality in anyway possible. in this case men, will look for any sign from a women to give them hope. Just know, 98% of the time a guy strikes up a conversation with you, he wants to date you.
I can very much recommend SLAA
idk. I kinda want u 2 do more of these. i have an interest n these guys, and it's not often we get to hear things from thier perspective.
no surprise he's wounded - what a horrible set of wounds he endured in childhood. it would be impossible to escape them without scars.
also the woman he met 13 years ago literally doesn't exist anymore. she'll have moved on in her life and done 13 years worth of growing and developing. unfortunately he will not have had chance to do so as much because he's been stuck in this fantasy.
respect to him for writing in! he knows a change is needed and is looking for it. i hope he can find it soon enough
Hey Anna, as for the beauty comment, the mother means that when she gave birth to him (either natural or C-section), he ruined her body, which is her beauty. And or it can also mean she blames him (the child) for naturally aging. It's weird to explain, but I am hoping you understand or see what I mean. đ
I know what she means. It's a classic pattern of abuse, unfortunately, to shame a child for their own birth.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for putting it in better words.
This is so sad.I have been there with a man. I feel for her. Other girl suddenly stops talking with her. She should have talked with her ad she should have explain why she stop talking to her.
oh he not her. ok ,ı was reading all the comments ts. ıf he was a she ,everyone would be nicer for her here. This must be so hard for him.And ı think everyone here should be kinder o him and explain better what's going on here .Ben , please go toa good trepist and talk and talk. And write down your feeling for other things. And you know what will be good ?.You need to go far away for a long time. Go and get a good guide book for a country you always wanted to visit somewhere cheaper and nice so you could stay long time there. And meet other beatuful travelers. And learn other cultures and eat pray love....
Youâve got this, Ben!!! Go Ben Go!!!!â€â€â€
I was stalked for over 2 yrs. This guy has some serious issues. He's obsessed with someone he's never even kissed. He's very mentally unwell & dangerous đ
I had to pause the video because i listen to these while driving... the cringe was too hard that i kept closing my eyes
For real this is something straighout of
r/niceguys
Definitely should read no more mr nice guy
I am disappointed in how mean most of 0:56 these comments are, especially since most of us are here because we tend to chose a fantasy world over the reality of the person who isnât interested. Yes, his behavior is a little creepy, but heâs obviously suffering a lot and heâs not actively stalking her. I feel like Iâm seeing hatred people have for the part of themselves that he represents to them.
Agree. He has an obsession, but there are healthy ways to channel that energy without condemnation and shaming.
@@Isitreallytrue. HE IS STALKING HER. Literally acting like a predator, there are no excuses for this behaviour. âPeopleâ are not projecting any hatred, women are sick and tired of being treated like a prey anywhere they go and having their boundaries crossed in a form of stalking, harassment, rape and murder. Open your eyes. People suffer all the time, you are never entitled to traumatise someone else just because you have issues, go to therapy or else you will have the police called on you. End of story.
â@@Thinker814 you can choose to have zero empathy. Doesn't mean people can't be critical of you when you shit on someone who is clearly struggling and needs help. He's doing something wrong. That doesn't mean he is undeserving of understanding and help.
%1000 yes. I feel like people here are so focused on punishing him for how he's feeling and less focused on the part of him that is actively trying to seek help. Intrusive thoughts can drive you to do bad things sometimes. That doesn't mean you're undeserving of help when you ask for it.
@@legitzwiz15 Nobody said he doesnât deserve help, I already said in my comment that he needs to go to therapy for everybodyâs sake. However, what youâre clearly missing is that people are so highly critical of his behaviour because itâs firstly incredibly inappropriate but more importantly, he is referring to himself as an innocent puppy that is doing no harm and just trying to be affectionate. Heâs so delusional that more cuddling and gentle treatment wonât wake him up to the brutal reality of him being a stalker that is forcing this woman to kiss him and interact with him. If he raped her, would you still be saying the same thing? Compassion is nice, but everything has limits.
Wait... I judge myself for not being able to get over someone but... did I hear this right? This guy in the letter met her only one time? My situation was after a year of sex/casual dating. But I still take the hard truth here that if he wanted to reply or see me, he would. So I should accept.