Limerence For Someone Who Rejected You IS a Form of Avoidance
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 11. 06. 2024
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Your mind plays tricks on you when you fall in love with a long-distance loner who says flat out they donât want a relationship. This absent character, present only as an electronic voice or a digital image but never as a real person at your side who loves you -- ican be the perfect blank canvas for lament fantasies. âIf only we could be togetherâŠâ thatâs what the limerent thinks, never doing the math to understand that the person clearly, openly strongly tells you that will never happen. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who obsesses on an avoidant man, but who is actually avoiding their life?
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"Hope is the dope" is the best shorthand description of limerence I've ever heard. Thank you, Fairy , for telling us hard truths. I hope that the writer did not think the Fairy's advice was too tough. The truth is that we all needed to hear it too. Fairy tough love constantly reminds us that to get what we need, we need to get clear about what we want and see things as they really are.
Thank you for your comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@Thomassina1 I agree. They flirt and steal your energy easier. This happened with me. It put me back 2 years of self inflicted emotional torture. I see things clearer now and Annaâs channel had allot to do with that.
@@WhoisagerIâve been through similar situation Iâm now healing because of this information Iâve learnt!! đsending love đ
Oooh this is đ„đ
Part of limerance is thinking you will never meet someone who actually prioritizes you, so you convince yourself to latch on to subpar "connections". If we believed we could find someone who loved us in a healthy way, we wouldn't keep trying to convince ourselves people who don't love us will change their minds.
Bingo.
I'm to the point I see love simply as a chemical reaction in the brain. Really makes it so much easier to detach and not get limerent
This is so spot on! Thank you for this. That is the one lesson I learnt for being in a relationship with an avoidant for ten years! Ten! It was torture and I wasted 10 years of my youth đą
Yep! It just recently dawned on me as well. I had NEVER thought there could be someone else better.
So well said
she considered herself to be 'healed', and yet was attracted to exactly the same type of partner as her previous two partners.
we need to stop lying to ourselves in order to feel that we're worthy of love. you don't have to be 'healed' to be worthy of love, you can just be you.
Most beautiful words ever
:)
đż
No convincing, ladies. Never convince him to be with you.
Donât be his friend if heâs not giving you the relationship you want, you donât have time or energy to dedicate to him if youâre busy looking for a forever partner. Donât be his counselor, that is not your job and he will use it if itâs free.
Thank you crappy childhood fairy!
This video is a great reminder â€
A lot of women seem enamored of this 'detached' 'take it or leave it' attitude towards men. That's fine, but be prepared when men en masse choose to 'leave it.'
â@@user-es3vq5ff6eThat is the point, the hovering around but never getting off the ground and making it stick do well to "leave en masse".
THOSE are not connections deserving of resources. You can re earn money spent, you can recuperate and have new energy, but your time can only be spent once and life is short.
âïž
â@@user-es3vq5ff6e
Sounds like a win win situation if the non takers stop their hovering around and leave. Regardless of gender or orientation. Time is everyones most precious resource
âïž
Honestly at this point in time in society at large I think it's better for men and women (who are not in healthy relationships ) to spend time alone for a long period of time learn to love themselves alone before attempting to find life partners in order to not center or wrap their !entire! lives around their romantic partners .
@@user-es3vq5ff6egood. You guys can all get each other off like you basically do metaphorically. Finally you can be with who you all really want to - your male friends :)
I really feel for this woman. I was in this type of situation as a guy. It's so so sad. You can have people around you that are a much better fit in every imaginable way, but you'll have zero feelings for them, while you're mind is completely obsessed with some person that will never love you.
The real heartbreaking part of this is when you realize just how badly your own mind and emotions lied to you. Like am I insane? How could I be THIS wrong? You feel genuinely insane. It feels like WandaVision where she uses her powers to create and live in a world that doesn't exist to cope with her tragic reality. Except we are totally unaware we are doing it.
I was in a 2-year relationship with a dismissive avoidant, which was not unlike this scenario. Even if he calls you his girlfriend, brings flowers, and plans dates, the dynamic is the same. That relationship fed off of a deep longing I had- to keep longing. My ex would never want to discuss the relationship, make plans too far into the future, or stay over too many nights in a row. I was patient with his need for space and independence. It was the hardest breakup I've ever experienced because it was sudden and felt like it came out of nowhere. In hindsight, I realize that he was a ticking time bomb- and although he wanted a committed partner, his fear of intimacy always wins out.
I learned one thing through that relationship: Don't try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.
@alexandrabusgang778 the pig part...wow!
Yes donât throw your pearls to swineđđ€
same experience!!
she was willing to go above and beyond for him and he literally gave her NOTHING????! He basically used her to dump all his trauma.
not uncommon unfortunately đ
He didnât give her nothing, he gave her non-romantic friendship. It just was not what she wanted.
I would be MUCH harder on him if he hadnât very clearly & repeatedly stated what he didnât want. The woman is an autonomous being we repeatedly accepted the non-romantic terms laid out for their relationship.
Iâm not saying the man is completely without fault, but there are 2 sides to this street.
"Can you get pass this idea that men just accidentally show up as unhealthy and unavailable, or can you see that you're choosing them?" "Be Victorian about friendships with men."
My favorite lines from this video.
But, the second line proves the first line to be true. Why would you be prudish and restrictive, and tightly selective about your choices with men, as though your reputation depends on it (which it often does) if men were not showing up as unhealthy, unavailable, etc.?
@@NEbluefirepeople will go round and round to make sense out of their own fantasy!
@@nathalian.7209 That is true.
I've been here multiple times ... It is so helpful hearing how delusional the other people sound. lol and I don't mean that as a criticism of them it's just wild when you can easily see it as delusional for someone else but you can't see that of yourself.
so true. And I feel pathetic with hindsight! Crazy how we hold on to whatever we are given đł
@@smadm2437 100% relatable. It's sad. đ
Right there with you. It's really sad how we treat ourselves. We should never put up with this kind of treatment.
@@smadm2437 I would not beat yourself up over it. I feel you. It's tough because they gave things to you in the beginning, but refuse to take the next steps, then you play this cat and mouse game that just destroys you.
I was in a similar situation for years and finally broke up with him :) I made friends in my community and realized how little my partner talked to me, supported me, and saw me. I was like, âI can find new friends who talk to me consistently and support me, why would I be with my boyfriend who Iâm fighting tooth and nail to talk to me/move closer/spend time with me?â
This person was never her bf though.
@@user-uu9yb9wb5b yes, true, but similar besides that. Same concept. Same way to get past it.
People do this all the time? Why? Many reasons. Because the are at some level of comfort, it's hard to change & they believe something is better than nothing. Lots don't want to do the work to become better to find someone better. Maybe changing their life to up chances to find someone more suitable would require uprooting their kids' life. Therapists will tell you virtually all our problems have to do with our feeling we aren't enough. That's an easy answer to a complex problem. Anna is reading letters & digging under the writer's explanation.
Quite frankly, many of us would be horrified to read our own life story. It takes a brave soul to admit their own dysfunction. But it takes an even higher level of courage to work consistently toward changing our circumstances. Change is not easy for the majority of us. In fact, it is extremely challenging.
You Tube is a blessing & a curse! Back in my day we didn't have this wealth of knowledge. YT provides all the help we need to identify & remedy our own dysfunction. If only we are willing to see it.
CPTSD is relatively new as a diiagnosis. As Anna has noted, definate similarities to PTSD, but with unique differences. We are just now seeing it written about & discussed in mainstream media. It took very little time watching her videos before I had an "Aha!" moment. . . The licensed "55 minute/$150 hr" licensed therapists diagnosed chronic depression & generalized anxiety. However, not one told me why or what to do about it. All any of them offered was a place to vent & an RX for antidepressants.
My ex was dismissive avoidant. Moral of the story is these types of people will absolutely waste your time. Bread crumb you. String you along and will give you every excuse in the book. Run! Do not damage your mental health being with someone like that. They will absolutely drain you and leave you nothing more than a trembling shell of your former self.
If youâre attracting unavailable people youâre probably also emotionally unavailable. Isnât that what the whole video is about?
@@user-uu9yb9wb5bummm. I can be both emotionally unavailable and not be a user like DAs tend to be. Theyâre also highly manipulative and can pull the wool over the CPTSDers eyes.
Geezus.
âSo true ! The person I was with, I clearly told him In the beginning I'm not seeking love, and he was all over on me, until I could give him attention. He pleased, morphed himself,and later gathered so much resentment, that he was the only person doing everything. He had a brutal childhood because of his parents, and sought all his denied validation from me, I gave him my love and everything, and all he had was resentment, that he had to "work" so much for this relationship. Later he says, I don't know love because I never experienced and saw love. He talked about "spending 45 winters with me" before he even knew my name! It's damaging, throwing yourself on others unless you know what you get the best out of them, and leave.People can be dangerous in ways. I am still healing. â@@user-uu9yb9wb5b
They will not waste your time if you donât allow it. Take responsibility! You stayed after he showed over and over and over that he wasnât available
@@nathalian.7209 calm down.
I could have written this letter a few years ago đ i was in a similar situation, and in retrospect itâs crazy how much i saw it as âcomplicatedâ when really it was simple-the truth just ruined my fantasy so i twisted it until i could ignore the reality. I also didnât see it at the time, but I DEFINITELY was drawn to this weird, online, distant relationship over a normal one that would be too scary and vulnerable.
Iâm so glad i eventually cut off that relationship (even as a friend), and i agree that was necessary for me to fully move on. Iâm happy to report now that iâm in a healthy, happy, committed relationship with someone who actually lives in my city đ
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sometimes you have to learn how to love something that is actually good for you. We, traumatized individuals have a tendency to settle for (or even long for) things and persons that are actually bad for us. It takes time and a lot of effort to heal and to learn that we have every right to love someone who reciprocates that love, in essence to love someone who is good for us. Avoidants definitely do not fall into that category IMO.
Limerence isnât a âkind of addictionâ it IS an addiction. It can sound so sweet, real you in, sing nice, comforting songs, just like a Siren, but Limerence is really a curse. Itâs a cancer. Once it starts, itâs so hard to stop. Itâs exhausting. It sucks up your time and mental energy, so much so, that you do NOT have time for anything else, bc why would you wanna face real life, when you can just escape in your own fantasy land? Thatâs what the mind does. The mind is so, SO powerful, itâs like a trickster.
But, itâs not your fault. If you were constantly rejected by people your age, like I did, youâre not a âbad person.â Donât be so hard on yourself. Yes, itâs hard, itâs painful. Exhausting even. I know this for a fact. I just cut off a long distance old HS friend, just three months ago, and before that, I cut off someone who I thought was a âfriend,â but it just turned out that they were just your neighborhood energy vampire. I know that sounds weird, but itâs true. I cut them off maybe about a year and this latest one didnât even last that long; only 8 months. So, unfortunately, I do have experience with this. Iâm tryin to get help myself, but admitting that you have a Limerence for someone is the hardest step, and Iâm still trying to escape my own dreamland.
Remember that the mind is strong, but you are stronger!
yeah it's tiring đą
I'm a woman and I'm FA and I have commitment phobia, it is so strong I feel like sufocating (feel sick for real) everytime men start to want more from me. The only type of men I feel like being around are other avoidants because I feel bad about hurting ppl, they are the only ones to give me lots of space, but at the same time these relationships never blossom in the way Id like to. I'm phobic but deep inside Id like to have a normal love life.
Now I'm almost in a "normal" relationship, but I'm still creating excuses, space and lots of rules, he is a little bit avoidant as well, but we are moving slow and things are improving.
Also: *Limerence is a denial of today.*
Wow, revelation! "If only..." thoughts are avoidance? đ€Ż
"If only" can come up in all kinds of life situations/areas, not just romantic scenarios.
I used to have a lot of "if onlys" a couple of years ago, but I reduced them because they felt like a fantasy and I didn't want to live in fantasy, I wanted to live in reality.
But I do have a few (new) "only ifs" that come in the form of "if only the world was a safer/better place" and "if only people were more honest" or "if only I had not become entangled with the abuser", etc. đ
I will try to drop this thinking! đđ» Thanks Anna... đ
"that's psycho-babble for being a codependent sponge for somebody" đŻđŻđŻđŻ
âïž unhelpful and pejorative.
@@michaelwensleyhard truths need to be told! It is what it is, face it or stay delusional
âHolding spaceâ is a legit phrase, but her point here is that the writer was going overboard with the psychology references & applying unhealthy maladaptive behavior to them.
All of it points to her self delusion, albeit helped along by a parasitic âfriend.â
I must say that your content hits so perfectly. How are you able to make content that completely defines the issues I have? Some days I have been moved to tears by the fact that someone has been able to help me understand why I've done some of the things I have. What I love most is that you always give us ways to live life while actively dealing with issues. Thank you, crappy childhood fairy. I am so grateful for the work you are doing.
WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS. I MEAN I KNOW BUT JESUS LOL. I NEED REAL LOVE AND TO BE HEALED.
So I donât think these people are necessarily that bad to have their feelings because feelings and emotions are not controllable. Itâs the actions that are controllable.
They do not have any regard for the people that they are holding back from being in healthy, thriving relationships and this makes them very selfish and self-centered, so might even say narcissistic theyâre trying to get their needs met in an aggressive way instead of in a assertive way.
It should be imperative that schools teach psychology sociology, because these types of relationships are becoming more and more common and people cannot read the signs of attachment, personality styles.
If this woman did identify as a secure attached personality style, she would not have been attracted to him in the first place however, she was familiar with his personality because of her previous relationships. It felt comfortable for her.
He took advantage of that situation to continue his toxic behavior.
Thatâs why itâs so important to educate yourself, and know exactly what your core values are both in compatibility and in chemistry because theyâre two differently categorized things to consider.
Make a master list and then take your top five for each and donât straight from those. If you donât have all five present, youâre not in Love you are in Limerence and there is a huge difference.
In love, youâre in love with the person and in Limerence youâre in love with the fantasy.
Sorry, I'm not dealing with someone who is avoiding and dismissing me. I can't believe they call it an attachment style!
OR doesn't outright reject you, but string along for years, w/o commitment! NO LADIES! IT'S YOU, NOT HIM! Do the work.
The point is literally...is both of them. The point is that it's both of them.
@@joybronson1612 But we can only control what WE do, and the distraction of the other is what keeps so many locked in the struggle.
thank you Anna and many thanks to the author of the letter, honestly, it was one of the most shocking letters I heard on this channel, Anna mentioned the ability to see love where there is no love, maybe this is it but I donÂŽt think the author of the letter wants love, she said she wanted to find an avoidant partner who would be ready to heal.
she wants a patient, not an equal partner
Avoid avoid avoid if they reject you avoid keep moving peroid
but how in the world do you get over the embarrassment of being limerent on someone? Years later I still feel stupid and counseling for it hasn't worked
Maybe when you already see your self leaving this behind and being better than that.
It is easier when you realize that it was that hurt inner child wanting love and validation as it was in deep pain. Then, you can practice unconditional love and self compassion for yourself. It's a process, but loving oneself and not pushing your pain away is what healsâ€
Itâs not about them. Itâs about your own toxic shame. Do you feel that way about other mistakes too? Sounds like you need more grace for yourself. Try every time you have a thought about the past and being embarrassed, practice what you would say to a dear friend in that same situation and say it to yourself. Do it over and over until it sticks. Remind yourself to be kind to everyone, including yourself. â€
I channel it to reinforcing my boundaries. Like I go over what I will never be doing again đ if it involves a man and stress on any level I'm out đđ
Compassion to yourself is very important. Your top job on this earth is to take care of and be kind to the person who has been given to you to take care of for the rest of your life: you. Forgive that person for not being perfect and making mistakes. Everybody is. :)
Anna, thanks for this video. I couldnt agree more. I was in a very similar textationship with a man on the other side of the country. I lied to myself a lot about what was really going on. Everything you said to this woman, I have said to myself as part of my healing process. Love you and all you do!
Thank you for being here and for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Same thing kinda happened to me. Met when we were 15 and 14 (now 32 and 31) on the internet, from two different countries. Except he came visit me less than a year ago TWICE, two months apart before dumping me for another avoidant he originally swore he only loved as a friend đ€Šââïž i feel groomed and swindled.
Ouch that was harsh
Itâs honestly worse to not face reality
@@loveinthematrix agreed
I think this guy was mirroring and playing with her.
In the past I looked for " hidden meaning " đą very Neurotic thing, very self-harming...I'm glad I healed from it. It's a waste of time, energy and it's very painful to get stuck like that/ in denial.
I wish you were there for me in 2020 where I was going through a pretty similar relationship.
Same 2020 broke me
Thank you for this video. I was in a similar situation with a woman. We were actually together for a short time. She was a lovebomber (I learned the term after that) and I gave it a change. I fell hard for her, but checked every day the boxes. What do I want, what does she want, is it aligned? What are my values, what are her values, are they aligned? What are my boundaries, what are hers, are we communicating them clearly? It checked all out. The relationship was heavy focused on her, but it was all fresh. Adjustment to a new routine is hard. It can be that way. I was a bit reluctant in the beginning (I was hurt a lot), but she said all the right things. Did the right things, was vulnerable, open, well-adjusted, and she didn't just copy me. We started to make plans, all seemed to be wonderful. I was between jobs, she suggested looking for a job a bit closer to her. After some time, she offered that I can move in a little while. That seemed fast to me, and I didn't say yes immediately. She asked several times, until I gave in and agreed to eventually move in. In a few months. But then her behavior changed in a matter of three days. And then her life goals practically change overnight, she sends me home, and it was over three days later. She said she was never single for more than three months. She needed to be single for a while to figure out who she is. In a way, I think I therapized her by accident, as we had very deep talks about our lives and past. She really said she wanted all of it, and that her feelings for me were real. That she wanted me, but she couldn't. Which was bullshit, if you want me, come and get me. I was offering, I was available, I was fine with discussing new life goals and adjusting as long as they weren't conflicting to my own. And her new ideas were completely reasonable and doable. They really were fine with what I wanted to do. I was even a bit excited. As she heard that, and I explained what I meant, she suddenly said, that she doesn't want to make decisions with another person in the back of her mind depending on her. I genuinely wasn't depending on her. I was independent. I just offered support. Fact was, she just didn't want me anymore. I was a toy for a few months and as she had been she needed, she did a terrible job ditching me, because, for the first time, in my life, I was too at least 90 % securely attached in a relationship. Knowing what I wanted, ready to walk away, but I just wasn't pushed to that point yet. I still thought, this was doable, with actually low effort. But her story kept changing and expanding, until it was obvious, that she wore a mask, dropped it, and suddenly there was a new person.
I was sure, that it wasn't limerence, because I was plainly aware about her flaws. It wasn't just the feelings, the sex, the deep talks and the feeling of belonging that I miss. I genuinely miss her, with all her problems and her strengths. But it was a facade. It wasn't real. That was months ago, and I still think about her. I'm in mourning about what could have been, now knowing that it was doomed from the start. BUT I learned so much from it. I know now what I want. I made real progress in everything since them and used the chance to grow. My next relationship will be better. Maybe I even find the one. But if not, no biggie. I keep looking, learning, and be the positive power in my life and the life of others, respecting my boundaries and wishes for myself. And if someone around me wants to be a part of my life, and I want to be in hers, let's try it. I'm open to it.
Hope the life gives you what you really need and find your other half. Big hug stranger. Keep an eye out and she will come along
This reflects my most recent experience very closely. I'm glad that you are recovering.
This letter was me 3 years ago except he def said he didn't want a relationship, but didn't open up either. At least you got vulnerability. I didn't get anything an actually thought it had potential lolol I deluded myself so deeply, I'm still healing from it and I only saw them in person less than 10 times. I still can't talk about it face to face. Makes me cry but I learned a lot of lesson and I tell you what. I have not felt as much hurt as I did since I decided to live in reality. I've trained my brain to the point when I start subconsciously being limerent again I start crying lol if it felt good I wouldn't cry so now I'm picking up on when I start being in fantasy land. I much prefer 2 feet on the ground but I've also found the more I heal the less I believe love is anything more than a chemical reaction
Thatâs incredibly strong of you to see the learning in a life-changing situationâŠ..and not succumb to blame or negativityâŠ
đ
I have had unrequited feelings for male friends & vice versa. I find it incredibly manipulative when a male friend hangs onto hope when I have given a clear no. If that isnât something they are capable of handling while continuing the friendship, I expect them to take ownership of that (& I always make it clear that I would not get upset). If the position is reversed, I either take a break or end the friendship if need be, but do not consider it the manâs responsibility to know what is best for ME. I must respect their no. And I do not assume that ânoâ has become a âyesâ unless they *explicitly* tell me so.
I think itâs such a shame that we have so little male/female friendship in N America because we donât handle these issues directly & respectfully. I think mixed gendered friendship is incredibly enriching & special because you both have inherently different views of the world.
The guy sounds married!
He was probably married and doing this while she was at work supporting him...
Although I can't dismiss
the mem'ry of his kiss
I guess that he is not
and will never be
for me.
- George Gershwin
20 years of research and introspection and i could never figure myself out. So many failed relationships. The last one a woman i wasnt initially interested in wanted me to be her friend with benefits. Once she told me about her traumas it clicked and she was the one. She didnt want me more than a drinking friend so for 5 years i hung out with her on weekends got drunk with her had sex with her and it absolutely destroyed me. I would be horribly despressed all week because i had to accept reality. Until the weekend again and i could live my fantasy of her being the one and that i could have her one day. I put her on the highest of pedestals like all the girls before her. Eventually i cut it off but 4 years have gone by and i thought about her all day every day. I wish i knew what limerence was long ago.
Limerence is a protection.
@puabi666 the 666 in your handle leads me to believe that like me at one time you are confused about a great many things.
Needed this. Thank you Annađ©”
Finally!!!! Someone that says otherwise like it is!!! I canât thank you enough for your video! Iâve been searching for answers for my marriage as my husband was diagnosed with APD. Heâs passed away now and has left me with so many questions that your video is perfectly answering!
Glad the video was helpful. Take care!
Nika@TeamFairy
After going through a somewhat similar situation to op I am now utterly repulsed by the idea of anyone being interested in me. I feel like I don't even deserve love. Of any kind, really. & with that much healing work to do you will not catch me trying to be in a relationship anyways. That's how people get hurt and I refuse to hurt them like that. The thought terrifies me. Yet I crave the idea of a relationship like air.
Same đ
That's exactly what I needed right now! Thank you!
I donât think you can help who you have feelings for or are attracted to but you can control who you gove your time and energy. Iâm FA and true to form I like a guy I know doesnât want a relationship. I canât turn off the attraction but I also donât talk to him outside work. Sometimes I worry about how much I think of him and that itâll prevent me from meeting someone but no way Iâd spend hours on the phone for over a year with him. No such thing as fully healed but I think Iâve made progress by at least knowing not to expect or pursue a romantic relationship with someone who flat out said doesnât want one. Not gonna lie I fantasize about it but I donât think only traumatized ppl do that. Now I just need to be attracted to someone who wants me instead of feeling suffocated when they do đ€Šđœââïž
This story reminds me of what happened with Jodi Arias. SCARY to play with peoples emotions..
Welp, needed to hear đđ» Thanks, Anna
Needed this, thank you AnnađŹ
Thank you so so much, I'm newly single and learning a lot about choosing the right partner next time. Your videos are very much appreciated â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
I love the candid tough fairy in this. I was in dating situation for a short time that now I can see included limerence on my part. Excerpt from a poem (to help me wake up out of that rose-tinted trance!):
An inner sentinel steps in, Whoa- Keep your eye on the prize!
Do not settle for just crumbs that taste good on your thumbs, but are not what you deserve.
Remember your vow to choose âreciprocity with a soulmate who honors me
and the higher LOVE we both serveâ
We want you to receive your king who shall cherish and honor your radiance,
and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration.
@Marianinspired I really liked the part: "who shall cherish and honor your radiance, and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration." There is no faking when someone is genuinely interested in us...they are consistent and considerate. Thank you very much for the excerpt.
Pretencious guff! đđ So glad I'm not American... Are there any American guys who are not narky - parkies?
Iâm a guy reading through the comments here and this shit hurts. Iâve been single ever since my wife and I separated. For 4 years I would hook up with women casually and didnât want anything serious, and for a while, it worked. Met a woman just after new years. She told me that she prefers to be in a monogamous relationship. Sheâs kind, sweet, vulnerable, outgoing, etc. all the attributes I guess you would say that I wanted to find in a partner. Someone that I can once again be vulnerable with. I told her that we should be together and she was very reluctant. When she first slept over at my house she said that she really didnât need anyone and that she was only really interested in having sex and someone to go on nice dates with. I obliged because I wanted the same thing. Well almost the same thing. I really want to be loved and because she works a couple states over a few weeks at a time, I only really see her one week a month. When weâre together time slows down and I feel so at peace around her. When sheâs gone sheâs gone. Itâs tough. Especially when Iâm lonely. I want someone like her but more available, someone that has the ability to make a relationship somewhat of a priority. I find myself thinking man what if we were together for a long time and what if she were to become more available. And I donât know if that day will ever come.
I hope you read this... firstly, thank you, I've been ignoring my own boundaries when it comes to a particular avoidant person because they are depressed and very isolated. The dynamic that has arisen as a result of this choice is unhealthy to say the least. This video helped me understand that whatever it may mean for the other person, I do need to reinstate and enforce those boundaries because our connection means I don't have space for the relationship I want to find.
I do genuinely want to ask you something though - you said to be Victorian in friendships with men and seek out closeness with women - what do I do if I'm bisexual?!? Do I have to be Victorian with *everybody* unless there's zero attraction there? I'm pretty good at not thinking about it (thanks interalised homophobia!) but if I'm being honest, I could find a lot of my female friends attractive if I let myself go there.
Thank you for watching! Glad it was helpful. If you'd like to ask Anna a question, feel free to write an "Ask the Fairy" letter. You can do it from here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
She's expecting someone to change right at the beginning.
Right! I've read somewhere (can't quite remember where ) Never date/marry someone for their potential, as good as it is to level up in life if they never reach that supposed potential you need to know that you will still be content with the person you chose since the beginning.
Damn. This one hits home. Thank you, Fairy. â€
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
You are so spot-on about everything, you are amazing! First video I'm watching of yours btw
I love the comment about Victorian girls--you're so right XD
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Glad you enjoyed the video.
Nika@TeamFairy
You said in a previous video that you had a successful comedy gig and it really came through in this video. I laughed at you telling us to be Victorian in our relationships with those we are attracted to. "They knew something in those days" lol
âWe have a superpower to see love where there is no loveâ
Codependents do not like "healthy from the start." They prefer you "show up broken and heal THROUGH the relationship." This is romanticized and eroticized this notion. And this is why healthy, available partners that are right under their nose are not interesting to them. They want to be in a fixer role. Always.
Sasha doesn't see her own pattern here..
Same situation here. I get It Anna, I'm aware of everything you said from almost day one ( after a month precisely) and I've tried to end the " situationship many many times but he always come back and so I've opened the door. My fault Is to be a sort of avoidant/limerent person, his fault Is worst though. If I'm not into someone, I leave sooner as I could.
I'm a little bit tired to listen that I am weak and naive because I've develop feelings for him. He used me for years.
Anna this video was for me thank u very much. I'm in deep limerance with a guy that lives in the other side of the world..... 4 months jn this stupid obsession I can't continue like this in life
Yes, this is the situation I am in. It's hard for me to move on to a real in-person partner, even though that's what I need -- an in-person boyfriend. I have been with him for 2 years. He is monogamous to me.
I've heard of romance and dalliance but never about limerence.
I've never had a dalliance that lead to romance so I suffer from dalliance!
Thankyou!
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
This was my last relationship minus living in different places. Wow
15:02 the future that you want
Good life example...People say nice to meet you but that's bs, no one really meets online, you can only connect. Digital connections, most are obvious scams, but they all die because they are just not comprehensive enough to be a relationship. Instantly disposable. To be anything, it has to transition to a physical connection. But huge risk of wasting time and energy.
I once read that we can't control who we fall in love with, distinguishing between real love and feeling in love. We can control what we do about it. A fake love will fizzle soon. What's the point of trying to make it real when all the signs are there.
Putting crumbs together to make a little loaf & thinking thatâs good enough đż
Healing our childhood wounds can help heal the whole world â€ïžâđ©č
She sounds exactly like one of my friends and unfortunately I doubt she will listen, because I have tried to advise my friend for years! But she never listens because she can't accept it deep down and unfortunately real acceptance and change only happens when the person themselves wakes up and smells the roses independently.
Anna, what did you mean when you encouraged the writer to "take your no contact further"? Timestamp 21:50. Thank-you.
Break the cycle â€
Why I avoid relationships..
Man, I really wish I'd heard about limerance 6 years ago. I wasted my 20s on a man that exploited & gaslit me so he wouldn't have to have hard conversations/deal with breaking yo with me, but still get sex consistently.
I'm now actually in a healthy relationship, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I have truly, truly not ever had a happiness like this. But I'm still coming to understand how all those things happened in what I now know was a limerant episode.
This video hurtsđą
We're all sending our support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
wow, emotional vampire! I have to remember that one
Missing arms and any bloody arteries in there because of them vampires! đ§
The advice is tough and realistic but maybe we can be compassionate and say with limerence or any intense infatuation our brains are releasing chemicals that are not making us think straight. Also it's what makes us human but we need to be aware that we are creating an idealised version of someone, one without flaws, up on a pedestal and when they are on a screen that infatuation can become greatly exaggerated.
I don't know how you can have romantic feelings for a person you've never been with in person.
As far as i can remember iv lived off limerence.
The story is almost the same as mine, different country and continent, but we're younger
no need of a person by my side and limerence is better than reality.
When someone describes their relationship with so much psychological jargon, it's an appeal to authority and disingenuous. These are the types that seek out couples therapy with the aim of winning the therapist over and weaponising them against their partner.
Every morning & night video calls. Like WTF relationship or life s that. I m 40 this yr, i can't imagine doing that ever & there s noone who has been more traumatized than me. I have my own life NOW, goals that have NOTHING to do with a man, my own healing, đ” manifestation i AIN'T got time chat with anyone on video calls nor energy to chat daily like that. Taking a break AGAIN frm dating or sex,, gonna revisit that next yr.
I have learned the hard way not to get all of your energy from a hobby either.....
I'm intrigued. Please explain.
Prolly a sex addiction.
I worry that if I keep watching these videos Iâm going to crumble because itâs so hard a look upon myself. Iâm trans*, I transitioned young and now Iâm in my early 40s, have been attracted to men who were attracted to women (interpret that word however you wish) and basically was rejected over and over. By my first love, just by so many.
The guys who were interested in me I just wasnât attracted to. There was never a guy who I was physically attracted to at all who would both be willing to be with me. This even included guys who found new because I was trans* but who couldnât stop living in ways that would permit them to avoid risk of shame and being considered gay.
So, yeah, Iâm really getting hit hard by this one video.
We're all here to support you in any way that we can :) -Calista@TeamFairy
The site blocked for me unfortunatelyđ.
my bath tub loves me back lol
Another side- Dark Limerance by an FA man who pushed his gf away. When she finally REALLY left and went no contact, the dark limerance. If you can feel pain, you can love too.
My point might seem like opposite, but are we considering the practical limitations here? They live in two different continents, and neither of them are willing to move to each other's place. Sasha doesn't wanna move due to her physical condition, what about the man? May be he has legal restrictions to move to Sasha's country. we don't know that. I don't know what kind of Medical/ Physical condition does Sasha have, but it's kind of confusing to think that in this year 2024, that might restrain people to move to other country. Did Sasha solely want the man to move in? And, may be the man was quite practical thinking this wouldn't go anywhere, so he was clear about it in the beginning. Is it that man's fault that Sasha still fell for him, even though that man was clear about his stand? Talking for hours a day is very normal for BFFs. I used to do it with my both male and female BFFs. Didn't cause any problem. And I still kind of think, if Sasha would move in to that man's country, that man would have given their romantic relationship a shot. I am not taking that man's side or going against Sasha, I am talking about practicality and logic here. I am trauma survivor myself, I was badly abused by my mother and my first love.
Heâs not moving because avoidants will never do anything that would make them that vulnerable. They may date you if the place you live is where they want to move. But move for you? Not a chance.
@@Pinkfrosting962 She was obsessively in love with him. She could have moved, but she didn't do that either.
â@@Pinkfrosting962â Why would you move to be with someone unless it is also somewhere you want to and can live? If you want to move to a place that a possible long-term partner lives then sure, go for it. If you want to move just because one of you had to and the other couldn't or wouldn't do that, then you are setting your relationship off on rocky terrain if one of you has already sacrificed a lot while the other sacrificed very little at the beginning stages of the relationship.
A healthy relationship should start on level ground - not with one party in a ditch. That is not how respect is formed and kept.
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Very accurate analysis, I see this psycho babble an awful lot in people who are manipulative, sad she is so deluded about the limit of that friendship
And in people who consume self help books, channels constantly. I had a friend who was dating in her 50âs and would call to talk. I just cringed when she said things like â I told him my love language was --- and that I though his love languageâŠâŠâ. The guy was a 52 year old Hungarian painter and it was like their second date. Lol. Normal people donât walk around analyzing every fâŠ.ing nuance of a statement, parsing words for hidden meanings and reading meta consciousness into reasonable everyday interactions. Run Lola Run! đ
@@carpediem6431 well said đ like I would just get annoyed and say well if there's no reciprocal attraction or intention, no real chemistry in return then it's like flogging a dead horse and give up He won't come around or respect you if you make It too easy, he won't miss you if you're always there. He might even feel sorry for her. It may hurt but what a waste of time if you could instead be with someone who really really wants you and would fight for you, rather than an insipid vague watered down version that makes her do all the running just to make him love her, that's an imbalance. Talking it out won't give you an upper hand it's almost like she wasn't respectful if his decision, so that's not love or a great friendship she is offering either.
How about the perfect gf for someone anxiously attached?
Good idea..
9:16
It is always the same:women expect the guy to move. If she could not move or did not want to move due to health reasons or excuses..then she should bring that topic onto the table before getting involved emotionally..instead of asuming that he would want to move.
Goes the same way for men, ladies. Most guys will tell you if she 'only wants to be friends' than they're out of there. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Then again, you have to have your cake first before you can eat it. Have you visited your local bakery today? đ
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18:42
Oh Anna, this is my relationship with my husband. We met online and got married too soon. I am miserable. He emotionally cheats on me and has no respect for my needs. I sit here wishing he would work on his avoidant tendencies. He goes to his old female friends online for validation and dismisses me.
Unfortunately there is a lot of self-help new-age jargon out there that keeps individuals stuck in unhealthy patternsâŠ
I like your no nonsense proactive approach Anna..
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Thanks for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
Sounds like she still has some healing to do...
All these sappy things this guy supposedly said to her, make embarrassed for her!
He likely loved her as a friend, but she wasnât his type
I can't blame the guy. The girl offered him her time and energy, he was clear about not having a romantic interest in her.