The Avoidant Partner: How To Respond When Your Partner Is Evasive
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- čas přidán 7. 07. 2024
- Healthy relationships are built upon skills emphasizing connection and affirmation. Sometimes, though, a partner may be reluctant to connect, becoming avoidant. This can be especially common when conflicts arise. When this happens it is reasonable to attempt to connect, but in the event that it doesn’t happen, you will need to be poised to keep your cool. That is what we will address in this podcast.
Something to Think about:
- Avoidant adults usually have a deep history of relationships that felt unsafe.
- When the avoidant person predictably becomes defensive, you are under no obligation to play the role of the pursuer.
- Trust is built when conflicts are managed with understanding and open-mindedness.
Let’s Talk:
- When you feel someone is avoiding you unnecessarily, how does it impact you emotionally? In that moment, what healthy options do you have? - Krátké a kreslené filmy
I would rather be alone than constantly ignored.
Iworkwithnitwits maybe you should look into narcissism. Sounds like that’s what they have
Trying to let go :(
I love him but it is his PERSONALITY.
Why did you write this?! 😥
@@nataliyacenteno8521 So you would be okay with your partner just ignoring you ?
Ditto
It’s better to be lonely and alone than lonely in a relationship
Damn right... I was with an avoidant woman and I pretty much let her ruin me. I was miserably lonely and felt neglected. It was like I didn’t matter at all to this person. No empathy, no compassion or even a willingness to understand another perspective. I left her a month ago and her friends made it a point to cut me down further, as if I wasn’t miserable enough already. Statements like “you’re the problem, you need to get help, you don’t deserve her,” Etc… it was already painful enough without the friends chiming in on something they were totally ignorant to. Never again. First whiff of this kind of BS and I’m out. Never again…
I've been playing this game for over a decade. They make it feel like you're controlling or abusing them whenever you try to express your needs, but you're really being gaslighted.
Spot on
Can't be gaslit if you have the understanding. To me it's sad they never knew love..how horrible for them..
Paloma Blanca yes you can't be gaslit but you can be lonely in the relationship.
Mike this is nothing but truth. They criminalize you for this...often calling you selfish when you express your feelings. I've heard countless times off of mere questions "IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU...ALL YOU EVER THINK OF IS YOURSELF!" It's highly manipulative and designed to make you feel guilty and stupid for trying to get them to open up and have a heart to heart talk about things. I have never in my entire life met anyone like this person. It's frustrating. ...more frustrating is that I married him. smh
In Full agreement.
An avoidant here. I found out about the attachment styles just a couple of months ago. Some people here might think, that it's fun for an avoidant to be so emotionless. I am bothered by not feeling emotional closeness a lot of times. Several things in a relationship hurt us too, but we don't show it or hide it, which gives the impression that we don't care, which is not true at all. The more i listen to these types of videos and the more self development I do, the more i'm coming to grips on the source of my attachment style and how this affects people and my intimate relationships. Self awareness and doing self development is the key. Doing meditation and a spiritual cultivation is also a key in my opinion, since we first have to change our heart and soul. I realized that if I work on being authentic and express my needs and feelings or lack thereof and also work on becoming a compassionate human being, by try to understand how my partner and other people my feel, i can hopefully reach a secure attachment style one day.
EDIT: thank you for all the comments and likes. I've been making steady progress over the past year, thanks to meditation and working on myself, but I still have a long way to go. Contrary, to what some people here say and who like to vilify avoidants, therapists recommend that avoidants learn how to open up and how to be more affectionate by being in relationships, and being present and aware of themselves, their partners needs and their feelings. Isolating yourself from relationships, until you sort yourself out, is like saying that you won't go in to the water ever again, until you have learned how to swim. That's not how things work.
On the other had, I can wholeheartedly understand people who seem frustrated by the lack of affection and intimacy from their avoidant partner. Even avoidants can feel the same way, by having a more avoidant partner, than they are. I was in the same situation a couple of months ago with a lady. You have to learn to be assertive and express your needs to your partner, and if they still cannot give you what you want, just learn to walk away and find someone else. That's what I did. Just remember, that we also have to take into consideration what our and the other person's boundaries are.
Ákos Moldován never get into a relationship again until you sort yourself out it just isn’t fair
Your comment resonated with me completely. Thank you for sharing
Man you will make whoever your partner is very happy. You sound amazing and evolved.
Same boat here! Awareness is the key. I’ve been working on my self for more than a year now and I’m still a work in progress.
Avoid people is what you should do until you learn to reciprocate your emotions in a healthy manner. I’m sure that you put on a mask to draw people close to you in the beginning and then you check out of the relationship once you get comfortable. Stick to yourself and leave emotionally healthy people alone.
If this is happening to you get out. You will just be eroded and lose self-esteem. Loneliness and heart ache come from being ignored. It's belittling and toxic.
Agree
Don't know you what you're saying is typical Avoidant behaviour.....lol
@@xdxd525 It's not, avoidant partners will make you extra alone. Better look for someone that likes you and lets you know it.
It's hard when you are already married 😀😀😀
@@favour3319 sure is. I know.
The avoidant "partner" :
1. Does not want to discuss things of a deeper nature, is uninterested, does not fulfill needs, is on a superficial level, coexist, doesn't go much further.
2. Is unwilling to become engaged in close and revealing communications. They are making assumptions that they will not feel well if opening, so they don't want you to know who they are. They will comlplain feeling suffocated. They will isolate themselves. They will accuse you of being high maintenance. Will Are uncomfortable in intimacy (sharing hurts, needs, dreams). They will go into fantasy. Will be inhibited in expressing positive sentiments and regards.
3. You will wonder if it's you. You will feel defrauded/duped, because at the the begining they were much more attentive, friendly and were making promises of how good a relationship you two will have.
4. You might tell them that it's impossible to talk to them. You will deal with emotions like: anger, hurt, disinlusionment, insecurity, low self esteem, shame. Will go into a coercive and pleading form of communication, then futility sets in, and you don't want to bother anymore. A lot is going on, in this pattern with the avoidant person.
It becomes the identifying feature in the relationship.
There are reasons for their avoidancy:
1. They may not have had a family history that emphasized personal sharing, connection, affirmation. Commonly, they recall that when they were open about who they are, they were exposed to criticism, someone telling them what to do. So avoidance is a form of control.
2. They may be an introvert.
Consider these thoughts:
1. You both need to talk about your needs and feelings without accusation and blame.stay away from accusatory style.
2. Ask yourself: What am I doing that is creating some of the behavior in that other person?
(Avoider: staying away from your partner, give short answers, walk away, not follow trough. This will encrease tension in the other person, which will excuse your avoiding. But it's not helpful.).
(Pursuer: you are too pleading, talk with too much tension, have an attitude of neediness, and give the impression that your whole emotional wellbeing is depending on the other person).
Have self awareness. Be honest with yourself, in how you are contributing to an unhealthy relationship.
3. As you engage, openly acknoledge the validity of the other's mannerism, their perspective.
(Avoider: I understand you want to have connection, that's normal, we want cohesion, it's legitimate that you want imput from me)
(Pursuer: I understand you need some downtime. You will not just be talking about your needs, but will do so in the context of empathy for the other's ways.)
4. When you talk how you want to move forward in your communication do so with ZERO coercion. What will make the avoidant style much worse is: convincing, pleading, persuading . This is working against you. You need to be speaking in a calm, non coercive way. (That means: I respect who you are and allow you the freedom to think for yourself).
5. Resist immature forms of communications (sarcasm, hottiness, finger pointing, leaving, have a mimicking tone of voice). That does nothing for you.
6. In your neutral moments use that as affirmation. Both partners need to do that. Let it be known.
( I enjoy spending time with you. I find what you're talking is interesting. I respect the way you handle some things. )
Take the time to learn the patterns and tendencies of the other person, don't make it about you, try to understand them in their uniqueness.
7. Stay away from "all or nothing" thinking. (One is in a good place, the other bad. One is a nice individual, the other disruptive.)
There are pluses and minuses in both sides. Just because someone has a different way of approaching life does not mean that the relationship has to suffer. We can gain from the good that comes from both sides, the relationship is a richer place to be.
This sums it up pretty good. Now we only need to establish if we are willing to live with this hasttle of a disfuncional way of relating, that not only is hard to do, but will not be so good for raising children. Getting used to being ignored helps a lot! yeah, give them their space. Keep your distance, you have to learn to tell the space they need to be ok.
Yes, my wife is avoidant and all of this is spot on: "They may not have had a family history that emphasized personal sharing, connection, affirmation. Commonly, they recall that when they were open about who they are, they were exposed to criticism, someone telling them what to do. So avoidance is a form of control.
"
She was raised by her grandparents who focused on taking care of her physical needs, no random hugs, no deep/long talks, no existential conversations, etc.... they were also very critical which as an adult, makes her very controlling.
She finds affirmation strange - as in, 'why would you have to compliment or thank someone for something they're "supposed" to do?' She also rarely gives it for that reason.
@@rafael55 Not I.
@@SpaceCadet4Jesus I hear you!
Thank you for the summary ☺️
It has destroyed me completely. My self esteem and self worth is an all time low, I never thought anyone could make me feel like that.
I hope you left because it doesn't get better.
Own your own emotions, the power belongs to you. No one can make you feel any kind of way unless you allow them to.
@aviyahchaverim9388 you are dumb asf and obviously an avoidant. People can absolutely affect you
Tsebonahao
Not everyone can leave
It takes two for a functioning relationship but only one to break it.
Mark my words.
My wife is avoidant and from the moment I got home from work, until I put my kids to bed at 9-10 pm, I was consumed with children wanting love and attention. Eventually my wife got into therapy, got a psychiatrist, got medicated, then we did marriage therapy. Nothing helped. It wasn't until my daughter was 18 and moved out that I found out my wife avoided the kids during the day too. Unfortunately, my adult kids learned avoidant traits and avoid all conflict like the plague, they have all quit there jobs, failed at relationships and are back home. It sucks to be nearly 50, trying to teach adult children that conflict is okay and training them how to become "adults". IF you try and your avoidant person does not change, LEAVE!!!! The damage to you having an unfulfilling relationship is not worth it, plus the damage that will be done to your kids is even worse. Show your kids this behavior is not okay by leaving, even if you don't get the kids, just take advantage of you visitation to be as awesome as you can and be a great role model.
Thank you for saying this. It's helped me deeply.
❤
Being rejected and treated like you're not important and nothing you say is right is heartbreaking. My husband is only avoiding at home. He treats coworkers and neighbors friendly and gently. I am the target for all his disdain. And he has no limit to how far he will go.
Yours is a very painful comment.
These are some of the ways I think about my situation that may be helpful for you.
A person like him is so empty he constantly needs validation from others to feel significant.
He despises you because you committed yourself to a person he despises, himself.
He's not interacting with you according to the person that he perceives, his brain thinks of you as a threat that has to be supressed or controlled. You know too much about him, you could ruin the impression he's trying to make on others.
I also ask 'what is my true self?' The avoidant person is trying to emotionally mash me into a pulp at times. They don't know my real self, but what about other 'nice' people? Are they connecting with the real me? Maybe it's good to always be pushed down cause now the fluff is gone from my life. What's left is more real.
I ask myself, how do I wake up my will to live, to fight till my last breath, to pursue the 'why' that is worth everything?
Mine the same
reno nyabuti that’s good advice but mine already discarded me n our family and got a house with his sister / who he trays as a daughter n does things as if they are married. 18 years wasted
Their house is full of childhood toys they are 48 and 41. Jesus help me
He is a narcissist.
@@digglerdsrecordings9680 Everything you said is so true and messed up at the same time. Treats a rock better than she treats me - but I was the one who was always there ..... bizarre
Being with an avoidant partner is exhausting and having done this, not something I ever want to get into again.
Married for 20 years to an emotional brick wall.
Agonizing and gut wrenching.
Sending you love and light. I was with someone like this for 2.5 years. Cut my losses and never looked back. Never again.
Make sure you’re not keeping the cycle going . Learn about your style . You may be of the anxious attachment style which keeps the cycle going . Cause and effect , be mindful of it
As a pursuer, I make several mistakes: initiating sex, asking my partner to spend quality time with me, ever asking or complaining about ANYTHING. The only way to get along is to ask for nothing and receive it in abundance.
Hi, I am kind of in a similar situation, at least I think so. Did it work for you? Stop complaining and asking for nothing? Is it still working... Do ppl change?
@@NachiketaThakur I'm not sure what you mean by "working," but "ask for nothing and receive it (nothing) in abundance... does not seem like "working." Seems more like "irony."
@UCxZTN4iiZIT2IPOpjmw04lA Yes, I hope it gets better for you. I don't have much to encourage you with. I would say stop making excuses for her.
You have needs that are understandable, and not resolved by blaming yourself.
Love that!: "The only way to get along is to ask for nothing and get it in abundance." I feel you.
How do you get it if you don’t ask ?
If you want to feel valued even at the lowest, most basic level (and you should) avoid the avoidant. Let them push someone else away and eroded someone else's sense of self worth. You deserve better.
I was dating a guy for the last three months and he's an avoidant. I discovered the theory of attachment about a week ago. I broke up with him after two days of reading. Everything felt so clear and obvious once I had the conceptual knowledge to understand the shit I was putting myself. I cried a lot and felt terrible at first after walking away, but day after day I felt better because I left before he could do worst to my wellbeing. I've always had high self esteem and confidance and It was like I was losing my self. The first month was amazing, the best I had in a relationship ever before, the last two were emotional starvation. (Sorry for my English, I don't write very often in this language)
Good for you! Making decisions sooner than later! I am into this for 25 years.
"Emotional starvation." Great descriptive.
Your English was just fine. If you felt emotionally starved after only a few months, can you imagine how damaging it is to live with or be married to an avoidant for years?! Just brutal! Case in point,bthe first month was the best you ever had, then the true colours of the avoidant appear and the emptiness begins...if they knew how to behave during the first month you were together, then they already know what is needed in a shared healthy relationship, but can't or refuse to give it..then what? You did the right thing, walk away and find a loving healthy balanced relationship. As for the avoidant, they need to work on fixing this personality disorder before causing an unsusspecting partner any suffering and abuse.
I am going through this right now. Almost 2 months in and he is a totally different person. First month I couldve sworn I met my soul mate. Now, he barely even shows me anything yet says hes totally into me. Ughh. Im going to break it off. I refuse to be hurt by him.
Im not sure if its the same thing but the person i just broke it off with is completely avoidant when we were together just how everybody is describing HOWEVER when we are out he turns into this social butterfly extremely charismatic and charming talking to everybody all excited. Then we we get home he goes back to being that avoidant person. I had to leave. Even when i would try to talk to him about it he would say that i was in my head or i was being dramatic or territorial. Maybe he just didnt like me lol. Either way, i felt horrible.
You can’t have a healthy and honest conversation with an avoidant. It’s their way or the high way. Your emotions, needs and wants are at the bottom of their priority list, if on there at all. It’s the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through and still going through. I’m stuck as I have no where to go and child to take care of that’s dependent on me and need a home for him. At the same time, this relationship is killing me in every way. I’ve given my all and I’m still discarded when I’m not needed and completely ignored of any of my needs. It’s emotional torture.
Mayra Schilling same
Same situation. So painful 😣
I understand your feeling of torture. Some people comment it helps to heal our own Anxious Attachment style first. Will look into it at try. It is like it is painful to leave, and painful to be (kind of) together :,(
You can survive, you are aware enough to seek out the skills and connections you need to build a healthy future for yourself and your child. There is no reason to keep a child in that sort of damaged situation, setting up bad pattern for his future.
I relate. I have tried everything in the textbook. Our love has died. He did love me more than anything, but not more than being an avoidant. It engulfed our relationship.
This gives me hope. Most videos are like "leave the avoidant!" Im an anxious type and my partner is more avoidant. As im slowly becoming my own rock and healing my anxious attachment my partner seems to feel more comfortable around me since im not as intense and looking for him to be my emotional support/punching bag. Gpod luck everyone❤❤
This comment gives me hope. I was really discouraged reading other comments that this is basically worthless because avoidants don't change, but yours was right. There's a reason I am so needy (vacillator!) and I'll work on that first.
@@dessaysso while your comment is optimistic it makes me sad that you missed the point that you are trying to work on yourself which will be a lifelong Battle of you changing yourself to suit someone else's unhealthy mental state what if you accepted that you are completely normal and worthy of being loved exactly how you are because up until this point it has worked and your partner has seen you as worthy enough to be with you and it would be a great loss to lose you as a partner exactly as you are, I hope you don't suppress yourself too much too please someone avoiding you in your own personal relationship
True! We cannot change others but us ourselves only! And after changing we can notice one day that everything around has changed! As an avoidant I wish you great luck! And don't know why but I believe in you ;)
If he's going for therapy too, is self aware and accountable, okay. If not, give us an update in a year or two. Good Luck to both of you!
@@khloestrong7157 True...Doing so, one ends up bottling their own thoughts and emotions which will eventually reveal themselves in other negative ways. It's tantamount to being ignored unless and until they need you. No one I know marries or enters into relationships for superficial and nonconsequential conversations. And you'll always be surprised because you don't know who you are truly dealing with. Speaking from experience.
OMG that so described my husband! When we met, he was so loving and talkative. We would talk about what we wanted to do after we got married. Then I've swear as soon as we got married, I felt the disconnect. It was like he married me and put me up on his trophy shelf. He can talk for hours to other women, yet when I try to talk to him, he isn't interested. He's charismatic and loved by everyone in the church, yet at home, he's so cold. He can't stand me trying to hold him, he doesn't want to have sex, or talk about our future, nothing. I finally left him, after 11 years, I got tired chasing after him. I don't see why all the other women in the church can have access to him and I can't. He was too full of himself, and had a hundred excuses as to why he doesn't want to have sex with me, most of it being all my faul. Right.... Yet when HE wants to have sex, then every excuse he gave before flies out the window, and now nothing is my fault, I'm the most sexiest woman ever! I'm so over him now, sad to say, but after 11 years, I'm trying to rebuild my life and do the things I've always wanted to do.
so you are saying its never gonna change. im just gonna waste my energies on it.
@@ayeshaayesha3041 it depends. I threatened to leave but never did, so my husband never took me seriously. He even told me that when I did finally leave, he said, you kept threatening but never did, in other words, why change, you're gonna stay and put up with it anyway... I don't know your situation, but maybe if I had the courage to leave temporarily he maybe would of taken me and our marriage seriously, but I didn't have the courage too and was too ashamed to reach out to my family for help so I stayed. All I know is that I finally feel as though I have a peace of mind again. After we split up, I was finally able to see, it wasn't me, it was him. Things that I had to beg him to do, he's doing now, ON HIS OWN, things that I had to beg him to buy for us, he's buying it for himself. Now that he's on his own, he's giving himself the best, but I had to settle for scraps, unless I got a job and bought the things i wanted myself. My husband was a big time user. Do what is best for you. At the end of the day, he's doing what is best for him, with or without you.
Princess Victoria GOOD FOR YOU ! .... As hard as it can be ... they really do not deserve our thoughts or feelings ... they are empty shells who care only for themselves ... they fool everyone even us at first but they always show us who they really are eventually and from then on it is just a slow agonizing road to a dead end ... for US .... and a NEW EXCITING START with a new victim for them ‘!
Princess Victoria
11 years... very sorry for u. I was chasing someone for a few months with the same SEX issue: it’s only when they want it.. I’ll be sure to be careful to not let that person kill my time
@@Shiro642 I got pregnant after 3 months of marriage, so I wasn't going anywhere.
"Just because you have different ideas about life doesn't mean you can't 'work it out.' " Dr. Carter, sometimes it's better just to say goodbye.
Indeed it is not ok to adjust to someones unhealthy lifestyle.
You derserve happyness and stability
YES, BECAUSE THAT LINE OF JUST HAVING DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT LIFE DOES NOT MAKES IT JUSTICE TO ALL THE DAMAGE THEY DO :(
GET CLOSER TO GOD.....IM CATHOLIC AND JESUSCHRIST HAS SAVED AND TRANSFORMED MY LIFE IN EVERY SINGLE WAY....BLESSINGS
It's not about different ideas it's about getting what you want out of a relationship you can't be avoidant and have a partner who isn't it just isn't fair one person will put in all the work while the other will like to be chased avoidant people play games and it's a form of sadistic narcissistic gaslighting it's abusive period
Also when the partner doesn’t share about his or her experience, insight, thoughts, days.
They keep secrets as far as their inner thoughts, feelings, needs, likes on a daily basis yet they text you all day “I love you I miss you” so you think they are intimate but really they’re avoidant.
You're spot on Deborah. There is no such thing as no communication, so if the avoider doesn't speak, the message is still sent!
Deborah Ezeta So damn true, indeed. I've told my roommate that if only he spoke in person the way he texts!!! They must think they're fooling us! The avoidant I live with has been on antidepressants for 20 years and thinks that's what's been causing his moods and fears of intimacy. He's weaning off them now and he can't wait to meet himself again. The hope I have, while diminishing day by day, is that he's in counseling and coming off the drugs. I hope I don't have to say goodbye to another dismally dry relationship.
And here's a thought and a question, we know we attract avoidants because we are also emotionally unavailable, just not to the degree that our partners are. Knowing this, what do you know about yourself that is a defense strategy that you employ to avoid intimacy in some area(s) of your life?? (Things that make you go hmmm.)
Deborah Exeta - I saw the same with my avoidant. His texts were very positive and he said I love and miss you in them but the communication got worse and worse as the months wore on. He refused to even speak of his day- he’d say it was pointless. He mentally shut down the month before he broke up with me- I noticed his pulling back, and now he seems determined to stay away or at times conflicted and confused. It’s hard.
Jul ofDenial - I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally unavailable...I want that with a partner. At first my ex pursued and wanted to be committed to me. He said I was the only woman he’d ever given his heart to and lavished me with love, affection and support. However, 5 months in, once my anxiety got the best of me and we had some conflicts, it caused him to give up on us and he broke up with me. So I don’t feel I went looking for an emotionally unavailable person; however, my anxiety brought it out in him and his avoidant ways brought up my anxiety!!!
Highly agreed
“Defrauded” and “duped” my exact thoughts!! Thank you for showing me I’m not crazy for feeling that way.
Yup. Sometimes you can feel like you are going mad. I feel like I have been. Especially after laughing a little too much looking at this video. Mainly laughing at myself and my situation.
@@shizakansinally6013 I cried of see how much I can relate for that feeling(
You're not alone - I totally feel defrauded, duped and angry. Why do you get a partner just so you can let them know you don't want a partner?
@@TheRedWabbit YES! I ended a 10 yr relationship with an avoidant several months ago because I felt duped, defrauded and angry too. I got sick and tired of being emotionally thirsty, rejected and treated as an afterthought. I regret wasting the last 10 years of my life trying to build a relationship with someone who is so selfish.
This video is why I don't want to bother with dating or remarrying. I gave our marriage everything I had and I got tired of being used. I know you cannot expect your spouse to be your sole support, but to never have his or her support, that's unacceptable.
LA Turley BINGO!!! What is even the point of marriage if your spouse is not your number one fan, friend, confidant, companion, partner, etc?
Sorry for your experience, but with that attitude, you just generalize every person and experience. "I had a failed marriage, ergo all of my future marriages and relationships would fail, since men are all the same".
@@AkosM No, it doesn't have to be. I've been married twice and will not again. Both people stopped working on us and put me into a play I didn't audition for. I'm convinced that the marriage label incites some mental psychosis in certain people, and I found them, and I want to be able to leave upon first injury.
You have an answer.
It works for you: it was them.
No further changes required.
Quite a box.
Quite a blindspot.
Now you've met 3 of them, of countless others like that.
My God, how depressing it must be, to have your skill at drawing this 'worst' out in people.
Maybe it's a superpower so you didn't have to end up anywhere else but where you are.
How expandingly happy!
@@johnk4934 wow, you're just awful. Put your hatred back into yourself where it belongs
His diagnosis is perfect.....for identifying a person who is solely avoidant.
But his final prescription to:
1. Talk about your needs without blame.
2. Ask yourself how you are responsible for the problem
3. Agree the other attachment style is okay
4. Talk together with zero coercion
5. Resist communicating immaturely
6. Be affirmative to each other when tension is down
7. Learn the tendencies of your partner without blame
Isn't going to fly with the majority of men/women out there, and whose relationship has been ground down to nearly nothing with disrespect and emotional abandonment.
This kind of advice is only good for two reasonable mature adults who would follow each step in repair of a relationship that is seeming to get off track.
I'd further suggest counseling for both or whichever one will attend. Counseling to understand each other AND make changes AND counseling to see what the next step in dissolving the relationship if the changes are not coming.
Nobody deserves to be emotionally abandoned nor abused.
I agree, but couples counselling is a mistake. The man is always at fault. It is better to save your money for a lawyer. We were tasked with asking for something from our partner. I asked for some (one) personal reflection every week (a poem, a picture, a random thought. I gave her what she wanted single day, and all I got was complaints about how I wasn't doing it right. I guess that was the extent of her personal reflections.
No matter how clear and mature you are in your conversation, you can't change an avoidant. By nature, they can't respond to how you feel or what you think. If they want to change, they can. But it's strictly an inside job.
Couples counseling is great...for a couple that can be responsive to eachotger. But when one is in an emotional coma, it's a waste of time and money.
It's just so draining and so upsetting for me that being a partner of an dismissive avoidant person I am responsible to understand him completely. I'm responsible to grasp all this information that reminds me about all the frustration and confusion and self doubts. I'm pushing myself to grow and be a bigger and better person because he wouldn't do any bit of it for the sake of relationship. Why would they want to have a relationship with people?
This website helped me alot www.loveaddictionhelp.com/12-distancing-strategies-the-love-avoidant-uses-to-avoid-intimacy - Were over now, Im much like you I imagine, wanted to learn; understand, care for her be supportive it really seems through these threads its not really got many people anywhere...which is so sad. Trust me I was and still am truly In Love and care for my ex deeply. She did the full 180 about 4 months in..distant and detatched. Also read “Attatched” by Amir Levine its on Amazon, it will make you feel better good luck 🙏🏻
💯
Mine should have been a monk.
You're not responsible to accommodate and avoidant partner who can be neglectful and abandoning. Run as fast as you can away from such a person.
If someone has an avoidant attachment style, just get rid of them. Yeah, there's tons of coaching out there about how to make relationships work with these types, but unless you want to do 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away?
Imagine wanting to be close with someone, to be intimate, to care and to be cared for - but as soon as you take one more step closer towards them - an overwhelming sense of panic grips you, you feel claustrophobic and you want to run for the hills. That's what it feels like being an avoidant. To desire something so much and yet being repulsed by the same thing.
So many people label us as toxic - and yes it is toxic if an avoidant wants their partner to fix them. But I don't think it's their job to clean my mess. Which is the reason I've decided not to be in a relationship unless I'm mentally stable.
What do you mean by repulsed? My avoidant did not like me to hug him or even want a kiss. I learned to ask him instead of just going for it. It made me feel ugly and unwanted. I knew he cared about me but he didn't want the affection after awhile and it hurt me so bad. He didn't start out that way. But when I asked him how did he start off affection, he said it was hard for him to do that in the beginning too. But I guess if avoidants start off avoidant no one would even date them. It's so soul crushing and devastating 😢
@@adoptioncorner1984 I'm so sorry. I know your pain extremely well. For 6 years my avoidant partner gave me breadcrumbs of intimacy (emotional, spiritual, physical- every currency of intimacy!). I had no clue about attachment styles and that I was anxiously attached. It was a mess. The whole 6 years was like trying to hug a cactus and every time I told him that I was done, he'd cry and beg for me not to leave. How manipulative? I would never tell you what to do, but my best advice is to look at his patterns. Does he recognize the problem? Has he taken action to try and make things better between you two? Nothing will change if he's not willing to work on himself. I wish you happiness and the most beautiful love.
@@fruitypopwhickle6806 thank you for sharing and responding. He knew how he was and also said several times he liked the way he was and wasn't going to change. But I thought I could change his mind by being there for him I'm every way and that wasn't the case. He took the intimacy away and never brought it back and continued to see me cry and hurt emotionally from that rejection. He would tell me it's not about me , but how can someone not think that. You begin to feel unattractive and emotionally messed up.
@@adoptioncorner1984 My heart hurt reading your response because I've experienced that kind of consistent rejection from my ex too. They are broken people BUT we also have to take responsibility for our own behavior. I'm still in the journey of trying to heal, but I've had to ask myself some difficult questions. If this person gave me nothing but heartache and problems, why did I stay? Sure they were manipulative, but it's deeper than that. I've realised that I am codependent. I rely on others (especially a partner) for validation. Ouch! It hurt seeing and accepting that, but it's true. I'm not at all implying that this is your situation, but I feel that you deserve to empower and work on yourself so that you never find yourself in situations or with people that don't reflect how good you feel about yourself. Self love first, then good, healthy people will follow.
Emotionally too
Avoidants kill the spirit - drain energy - dampen enthusiasm. I’m married to one. I made my own life and come and go and do what I want. He run$ the house - takes care of things. I’m in too deep to split and frankly at this stage in my life I don’t want anyone else. Living with it - for me - works. However it did take years to understand his malady and identify it.
And then just watch your avoident ice block sooo nicely interacting with their friends...
It was a very painful and costly experience for me.
If they are not happy having me around, they might be happy when I am gone.
Exactly
😂 You’re absolutely right!
My wife is all smiles and laughter with others, especially after a few glasses of wine. With me, a block of ice. Make me feel as if she really does not care about being together. She gives priority to the damm ipod and the turkish soap operas, then the dogs, social media, games etc.
gou
Ouch. I feel this in my soul :/
Why is life so complicated. No wonder why having a true relationship is just about impossible.
Yup
Wish I had this information 40 years ago......could've changed my life
I love the mentioning of there maybe being an issue in the avoiders past that causes the behavior. I have been married for 7 yrs and living with my spouse for 10 yrs. I didn't see how introverted he was at first and then it became unbearable. In the last year or so, we almost split twice. The hardest was looking at my part in things. How I choose to let his behaviors influence my feelings. I always knew, being a former introvert myself, that he could work through things if HE wanted to. I had to focus on self and define my own happiness. In doing so, he started to see his own insanity no longer having me to feed into things and blame him for my feelings, he let down his walls. He has opened up about his childhood and is going to therapy. Much like myself, the transformation was almost instantaneous. We are now both very open, nurturing, and like two little kids playing house with no inhibition in any area. We BOTH had to get out of our own ways because we wanted to.
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So happy for you two!
“No ones home”. Made me chuckle, smile, I needed that. Partner is definitely not home.
So true. These sorts are anywhere but home. They rarely make efforts to really nest and build a home with you where you can have company and each other come and enjoy an inviting space. The place you live is more like a guilded dark dusty sad neglected unmaintained cave. If you try to make repairs or improvements they raise holy hell cuz you're invalidating them by wanting to fix the place up and do just basic maintenance preventative or routine! Okay rant is over.
Thanks for sharing. I have spent 11 years trying to get close to an evasive and avoidant husband who is now diagnosed as being a fearful avoidant attachment style. I tried so hard to have deep communication, open conversations, intimacy, even friendship. I banged on HUGE walls for 11 years. I got pushed away more and more and more and it caused me incredible damage physically, emotionally and mentally. I was a total wreck feeling confused and unloved on every single level. I am open and giving and this was so hard for me. He has now left the marriage and I know for the future I need to find someone with a secure attachment style. It's true also that in the beginning they seem to be able to get closer, share more so it's very confusing when it stops. Very painful.
Very true. The switch up is what shocked me the most. I missed the person they were in the beginning of the relationship. But I had to come to the realization that that is not who they are so I left
It's like being in the Twilight zone, they turn reality upside down.
They undergo mental gymnastics to dismiss, justify,excuse, fake forget etc.
It makes my heart ache just how bad their own trauma must have been, but as someone who experienced childhood trauma as well, I don't cope by mindfucking n gaslighting the people I love.
You don't know thats a certain thing thats being attempted.
Proud of you!!
Spot on! I agree 100%. I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how and when to tell my husband that if he doesn’t get help and go to therapy I can’t keep dealing with this. It isn’t fair to me! It’s so sad because he’s such a good man with a gentle heart and he has been through so much with a narc mother and a narcissist ex wife who has also bad alcoholism issues. I sometimes cry even thinking about how many years he put up with the trauma and see the shit he still goes through and I just want to hug him. I get so pissed off at the people that put him through this and feel like I have to pay the price for the damage they caused.
At times I feel guilty for feeling like the only chance at saving our marriage is by giving him an ultimatum and because I feel like I’d be a shitty person for giving up on him and adding to his trauma but then I tell myself that it wouldn’t be my fault because I’ve put my all into this and it’s not giving up when I’ve tried everything I can think of. I shouldn’t have to feel alone and sad and empty and feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel completely unimportant to him most of the time. I feel like I get more of a response out of my dog than I do my husband. He will engage in conversations with me if it’s something he is interested in but if he’s not interested or if it even gets close to talking about my needs not being met or feelings he shuts down completely, he literally looks down and away from me or downright ignores me. When I get so upset and beg for a response he says he doesn’t have anything to say or he says “ok” he won’t look me in the eye to talk to me and I will send him links to stuff I’d like him to read or videos I want him to watch and he has NEVER watched a single one on his own. Yet he can spend an hour on tictok or countless hours researching things he cares about like his passion for dog training or whatever new hobby he wants to learn about at the time but can’t manage to take time to watch my 3 minute video or read something I’ve sent him. It leaves me feeling like I don’t matter. I feel so much shame and hurt I could break in half and I’m not even sure he would show care then either. Sometimes I feel like he just wants me here as his security blanket to have when he needs me and that is truly the saddest worst feeling I’ve ever had because I love this man with everything I have in me and I take my vows very seriously but at what point do you have to walk away and hope that God will forgive you for breaking your promise because your husband chose not to do his part. I’m shattered. Part of me is afraid that if I give him an ultimatum he still may not choose me and I’m not sure if I could mentally handle that without physically feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest…. Lastly to the people who traumatize good hearted and beautiful people and turn them into a completely different person who feels unworthy of love and is scared and unsure of everything and gets anxious at a single sound or thought….. you will feel what you sew and when that day comes I truly pity your soul but until then, FUUUCK YOU!!!!
@@laciehunt9535 Oh my goodness. I teared up reading this. I'm not married but in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He had a very rough childhood, mom passed away when he was bare 5 years, dad remarried and the nightmares began. The stepmother abused him to the worst degree and his dad never protected him. Eventually he ran away from at 10 years and had to take care of himself. As I write this, I feel gutted to the core, he was only a child 😢. He needed to be protected and cared for but was so neglected until eventually a few years later a relative took him in. He has done pretty well for himself now, pursuing his Masters I Data Science and holds a good position at work. However, emotionally he is stunted and I bear the brunt of it all. I have to remind him that "I am not your stepmother, I'm not out to get you. When I say I love you, I mean it. I care for you". I've had to resolve to send him articles and videos too that he will throw back in my face to say, I don't care what they say, I am me, I will do what I want. I feel defeated and so dejected, not knowing what more to do. He's bleeding on me when I'm not the one that caused his childhood trauma. And I can't take it anymore. I feel horrible for wanting to give up but I can't keep sacrificing my sanity and mental health when he's not bothered to seek help. I deserve kindness too, happiness even. I understand the background but he's grown now, there are resources he can use, he has the means because I can't be the emotional punching bag anymore. Only I put in effort to keep the relationship going, he goes quiet and distances himself despite knowing that we are not ok. I have to do the heavy lifting alone and I can't. I've been torn for days but I have to choose me, I matter too
You will spend years feeling inadequate and made to feel like your expectation for intimacy is an issue. If you have a healthy attachment style, I would say, it would be very hard, unhappy life with an avoidant partner who will control every bit of relationship, how and when things are done based on their mood.
Yes!--needy, clingy, demanding, controlling "too much". Crazy. I have issues. I need help. In a sense, I think they grew up in an emotionally desolate place, so what is actually normal is seen as "too much" for them.
Yup. You can't work on anything with someone who is actively modeling you are worthless to me until you are not.
You know what you are talking about...it's just sad and painful. blessing to you!
@@desireemckenneyrobinson6539 Someone who feels that way about isn't avoidant, they are using you.
“How and when things are done based on their mood” Fuck me. Hit me like a smack in the face thats shit! So true. These threads are so sad but also so validating I can still say I care but I care more for me the tide is turning
I was in a 4 year LDR with a guy I was head over heels with. I've known him since childhood. A year into our relationship, he confessed to me that he can't express his emotions. He said this to me 'if you want affection, you are barking up the wrong tree'. It's true, he wouldn't caress me, hold me or tell me that he loved me. I once asked him to kiss me goodbye after I had flown 4 states away to be with him and he told me no. I am the complete opposite of him but he won't even compromise. The reason why we broke up is that I told him I felt that he was being distant and very distracted. I asked him to tell me how he feels about me and he became defensive and upset. I let go. He is now married to someone who is just like him.
They dont tell you how they feel about you. Like why you are there. That is too emotional.
Well, at least he found someone on his own level. When my avoidant ex and I broke up, I told him he needs to stop trying to be friends with artsy types (he's an engineer, but his entire social circle was MY social circle - all artists and performers). We're too emotional and sensitive for him to handle, and it's not fair for anyone involved. He bit off more than he could chew with me, and I let him make me feel like I'm too much.
My avoidant partner became very critical when I tried to get them to open up about why they were avoiding....saying things to me that brought the message that I wasn't "good enough" on so many levels...it seems the more I tried...the angrier & meaner & more critical they became...and then would flip again into this aloof & shunning pattern of behavior :/
My issue is, when I was insecure and dealing with anxiety issues (in relationships) I often made connections with avoidant types because the pathology was a perfect match for my neurosis. Then, when I began to grow out of insecurity, the people I had formed those unhealthy relationships with could no longer match my energy. In effect, I was mismatched and in some ways "stuck" dealing with relationships I forged in my dark days. I have been on this "cut-em-loose" self-assessment lately as a good 50-60% of the people I used to form friendships/relationships with were narcissists and/or avoidant. It has been a difficult journey but I know that I am on the right path for my life.
Mike Lesesne I have a similar history. I seemed to be head hunting only the most damaged people. I only learned of their traumas after we were a couple. I cut a lot of people loose in my life for being dead weights. My friend group is much smaller and I’m happier if a little lonely.
My avoidant ex though, we keep bouncing back to each other. He’s a good man who has supported my career change and growth as a person. I can’t bring myself to blame him for the hurt in our relationship. It shon a light on my anxiety so I could work on that myself. I also know that he feels a lot of shame and guilt for not being able to sustain a relationship.
I also start to realise that I have Anxious Attachment and am also a bit avoidant (in other areas of life), so it might be why for the last three years I was attracting Avoidant men.
Could you tell how you dealt with your anxiety? What helped you change? - some books, therapy etc?
I SV therapy. Practicing Self-love. Enjoying my own company.
I know you may not see my comment
But can You please tell me how you dealt with your anxious attachment? Cause it is my case and I want to improve it.
Attachment styles aren’t pathologies. They’re a set of communication habits one relies on to cope within relationships.
Don’t waste your energy chasing anyone. Life is too short to do so. Learn your patterns and focus on healing your psychological issues of anxiety. It’s not easy and many nights of loneliness will surely follow but once you’ve learned you can happier alone then letting go of people prior to the escalation into a full blown relationship will much easier.
Remember an avoider actually presents this pattern early in a courtship and those who are aware of their own patterns of anxious projection will be better prepared to deal with it as it arises.
Choosing and being faithful to an avoidant partner is at times a noble enterprise but more often a fatal mistake. You experience the deepest recesses of loneliness, of losing control, of self-hatred, you get to know the monster in you, you get to know any and all your weaknesses. There is no more evil mirror than the one you two hold in front of you only. Often it feels as if both of you were working actively towards exterminating every morsel of happiness in the same person, you. Disengage, retreat, forget. Never look back. It is, of course, nobody's fault, but let me say this: they taught you very thoroughly what loneliness is. Now it is your turn to teach them the same. And, on a positive note, remember: any time after an avoidant partner will be the time of your life.
Funny, as an avoidant I feel exactly the same. The relief not to be pestered, lectured, morally judged, manipulated etc. is overwhelming. I've been single for 30 years and would never, ever, under any circumstances get together with an anxiously attached person. It poisons the soul.
Totally understandable.
I had this avoidant friend,, he was manipulative and a gaslighter,, he would detach himself whenever I was hurting and he would make me question my worth, he was emotionally unavailable on times when you'd need a shoulder to lean on,he had so many excuses justifying his actions,, I was literally drained,, he was toxic! I couldn't keep up
that's what they always do
Here's how I dealt with my avoidant partner: I dealt with my anxious attachment and quit hassling him and we are SO much better. We are all hurt, nothing personal. It's easy to get in trouble here, healthy self soothing is the key. TY Doc!!!!!! New sub.
How did you deal with Anxious Attachment style? I would love to, but I do not know where to start.
Me too
Me three
How did you dealt with your anxious attachment, cos am in live with fine gentleman who is suffering with this disease, help a sister here, do it pls. Lol
And still no answer after 2yrs, must be a lie.
How to respond?
Quit while you're ahead. You'll find yourself always left to fill in the blanks; a thought process that can be fallible, and doing so can become exhausting. it's selfish and manipulative behavior. It's better to be on your own and to know it than to be with someone and feel as if you're alone. They're also telling you that they don't trust you. Where there is no trust, there can be no positive outcome.
True. If they dont open up that is sort of an insult-a communication of non-trust. Thanks for that insight.
Oh man, the trust part is soooo true. Hadn't thought about it like that until now, but you're absolutely right.
Ahhhh.... great explanation. I didn’t know what I was dealing with then. He loved me a lot but was afraid to express for fear of making himself vulnerable. So he was evasive and emotionally unavailable. In the end, he lost me anyway. I tried hanging in there for years coz I knew he was a good person tho flawed. But it was lonely, disconcerting, confusing, disconnected, all of which wore me out eventually. I was lost. I finally left coz I needed to find myself again.
I left too 12 months later. Secure turning anxious so i left. I was not going to ruin my secure attachment
this comment section is full of people equating avoidant partners with narcissists or severe personality disorders. There are some shared characteristics, and definitely there are avoidant narcissists, but that eliminates a whole lot of avoidant partners. It's just an attachment style, not a personality disorder.
They can have all kinds of personalities - the only shared characteristic is that they have serious intimacy or emotional maturity problems which leads to serious relationship issues when it comes to intimacy (physical and emotional).
jenny r indeed because I have an avoidant partner who is not narcissistic or abusive . He’s actually a decent person, just avoidant
Ok!! They did NOT have a problem when they were dating you with intimacy or communication...what happened after they say I DO?? Their brain froze up.?? I am serious about this...if he showed me during the relationship that this was a problem... I would say I had a warning about his reluctance towards intimacy.... No!! I felt like it was bait and switch. Thanks! Blessings 🙏
@Jenny r Having serious intimacy and/or emotional maturity/control problems which fosters seriously problematic relationships is indeed a "personality disorder", not just a style of attachment as you make it out to be.
avoidant people, should not get into relationships. It negates the whole purpose, and becomes a game of control and harm.
Although you make some great and accurate points, it feels like others must endure bad behavior by avoidant personalities in order to have a healthy relationship. We are all responsible for our own health and happiness. I was in a relationship with a person with this personality type and I always felt that I was walking on eggshells so I sought help because I realized that this was not healthy for me or this person. I tried to encourage counseling and even sent videos like yours to this person for clarification, but ultimately it is up to the person to seek help. This just feels like everyone else is more responsible for this person's behavior than the person with the problem.
Agree. The non avoidant partner should not have to cater to the avoidant one.
How many ways can you say, “I miss you” before you start to sound needy? When one person doesn’t seem to care, and that hasn’t always been the case, all the understanding and self-reflection isn’t going to help. These videos are very rational, sans emotion, sans mental illness, sans unrequited love, and unrealistic in many cases. Both people have to have the same level of interest in investing effort into the relationship. Sometimes one will think that ‘maybe it wasn’t meant to be’ when any effort is required on their part.
This.
My thoughts exactly. Very few avoidants are going to have any interest in working on themselves in order to meet their partner halfway. I tried to explain to my ex so many times how his avoidant behavior triggered my clingy behavior (which then worsened his avoidance, which worsened my clinginess, and so on). I spent TWO YEARS in individual therapy to work on it (because he convinced me that I was the problem), but he had to understand, by not working on his own behavior, he was setting me up for failure.
He decided that it was easier to be single than to work on himself, and ended the relationship. I would say I feel sad for him and his fear of intimacy and commitment, but frankly, as a grown man, he needs to take responsibility for his shit. Sucks to suck.
@Lily Mulligan I had someone I loved very much but didn't see often enough due to schedules. She posted one day that she we t for a walk by the lake and the lake is a block from my house. I called her and asked why she didn't let me know I would have met her there and walked together. She responded "I guess it wasn't meant to be." Some people truly believe and espouse that if you yourself are confident, independent and "love yourself" you would not need them to participate in the relationship. I think they lack the ability to bond or attach.
It gets old, and then it falls away...
I just had this for 8 years, I'm not doing it again, no more avoidants thank you very much............an insecure attachment, next time a secure attachment,
The more I learn about the attachment styles, the more I can see, how certain types of it, get "inherited" through the family. Both my mother and father have been raised by dismissive/avoidant parents, who did not pay attention and care for the feelings of their child, and were treated coldly. So they employed the same type of parenting style with my sister and me also. Good thing my sister learned a lot and reads a lot of books on parenting and relationships, so she's working on raising her children in a secure style.
Ákos Moldován hhhhhhjhjjjk
Good that's good
I like how this one lady put it we're basically a toaster the only time they think about us is when they want toast if they don't want toast we don't even have to their mind you don't walk around going G I wonder how the toaster is doing right now you only think about a toaster when you want toast and when you want toast that toaster better make it perfect
Wow!! What an excellent analogy
Pirate Heart Love this!!
Beautifully describes it. Bravo
This is a brilliant descriptor of some of my relationships! Thankyou for the analogy!
Pirate Heart that’s brilliantly explained!! It’s exactly right!
You just described my 5 year relationship with a VERY avoidant woman. I'm quite anxious as well. It was a sad relationship. The feeling of feeling defrauded is real; it feels that they are just settling for you and they don't give you the info you need to adjust.. It was a lot of energy both ways. I became extremely needy and she closed up and suffered because of my criticism.
This is a pipe dream. You need to get real. The avoidant has no desire to change, only to ridicule and deny what they don't want to hear. This is just about everything someone else has to say. My favorite is "Well, that's your opinion, but that doesn't make it right."
@another mother What I believe Dr. Carter and others are acknowledging is that the motivation for change here is the nagging loneliness they feel. Part of the problem they face is that the very nature of their training (avoid and do not discuss emotional issues) did not afford them the emotional intelligence to recognize the problem. They don't realize the cause of their loneliness is their own refusal to share their emotions and allow themselves to connect on an emotional level.
Exactly. So true. And then just forget it if he learns to deal with his loneliness with beer and weed. Then he has a way to check out even further and anesthetize himself from the pain. It’s easier for him to be by himself so there’s really no motivation to face his issues.
Dr. Carter want the avoidants and their spouses to go to him for therapy,who knows,he might help.
Pipe dream indeed,I ran for the hills after I realised we kept REPEATING the same patterns over n over. And I was totally depleted from depression,anxiety and ever increasing suicidal thoughts. Peace is PRICELESS,get your serenity!
Are you really that shallow, that you are incapable of accepting you both can have your seperate opinions? If you tell someone something and they listen and note so, but let you know they disagree and you blow it off. How do you know you aren't the problem. Did you ask them why they disagree with you and just listen to their perspective?
Avoidants can find other avoidants. We need to find people we are more compatible with to have balance, or be alone.
@Flagirl1985 Kinda disagree. Avoidants can get better at being secure partners for anxious partner it's not impossible.
@Flagirl1985 I agree it would be easier to change/improve an anxious style then avoidant. Most people dont know what their attachment styles are to begin with.Saying that I strongly believe that it depends on the individual avoidant person that needs to be willing to learn and compromise on their needs and partners. I think throwing all the avoidants under the bus and then shouting out "narcissists " will only do more damage then anything else. In the end it's more of the individual anxious choice rather to stick it out and believe in them or abandon them right from the start.
@Flagirl1985 Also I know you really wanna say avoidants are narcissist but that would mean over half the population is... just make sure you got your information right if your gonna say that.
@Flagirl1985 It sucks you had to deal with that. Still if you wanna call all avoidants narcissists that means more then half the population is.
@Flagirl1985 I agree that some of them could be narcissistic or have those kind of tendencies. Saying that its really easy to confuse which one your seeing for example a avoidant person not talking because there stressed and need time to clear there head and has to do that alone (emotional abuse??)vs narcissistic person keeping quiet to get you mad on purpose and then when they speak it's just to blame shift. Obviously the 1st means no harm and the second does.
Honestly I’ve learned to ignore it because I refuse to stress myself out or feeling bad after I’ve asked is there anything wrong and the answer is always “Nothing’s wrong, I don’t have an attitude”. After I ask and show genuine concern that’s all I can and will do. Us women will usually worry ourselves to death wondering “is it me, what to do to make him feel better, is he bored with me, how long will it last” etc. I’ve learned that whatever my husband is feeling it’s an eternal thing. I can only help when he asks for help. Women usually want their partner to ask if we need help and intervene. That makes us feel special and like he’s attentive. I find that the men I’ve dealt with, when I ask if they need help or is anything wrong they take it as if I think something is wrong with them and as if they can’t fix it themselves.. Just crazy. After time and time of trying to see what’s wrong looking pitiful making a man the center of my attention because of so called love and care I’ve realized I don’t have time for that. I won’t overplay my role. I won’t allow myself to be sad or feeling down cause I’m not receiving a certain thing from him. I was expecting too much. That’s my husband but I can’t control the situation, only God can. Now when he gets in his mood or acts avoidant I pray and tell God on him because some things don’t seem fair, sometimes I think “how would he like it if I did the same to him” but two wrongs don’t make a right. After I pray, I go on with my day. He’s my husband so he’ll come around when he’s ready. My life changed for the better when I stopped taking things so personal, started focusing on God, and found some hobbies of my own. After having children and being married I had to find me again.
Thank you.
Same here
I know you say you're okay with this arrangement, but I dunno... 🙁 I don't think it's asking too much for your partner to be communicative and be able to use their words instead of pretending you don't exist... It sounds like you've essentially become single, while still living with the "married" label. I'm so sorry 💔
@@lilymulligan8180 no need to be sorry for me. No I haven’t become single, we’re good. You can’t assume anything while reading a post. I just understand that men need space sometimes and women need constant validation. When stopped taking things so personal he came around more simple. My marriage good. When something is wrong he tells me. I used to mistake silence as a problem because I talk a lot and he doesn’t. Now that we’ve been married longer I understand that we respond to things differently, and that’s okay.
You described my husband to the T. But i give up.
I can't imagine sustaining a relationship with someone for 2 yrs, 10 yrs, decades. No way! 4 months was all I was willing to give this man. The game playing, the ghosting, where one minute you're fine, then you don't hear from him for weeks at a time. I'm too old for that nonsense, maybe that's a good thing.
4 months - good for you Ms. Secure :) I waited 1 year but finally left before I became insecure
Withdrawal is a form of control. Antagonism is another form and being nice may be a manipulation due to what they perceive they should receive back after doing something for you. The 3 assertions of control.
Perfect.
No talking other than “small talk”, when you try to address it they say “what’s your problem again...etc.”
No emotional intimacy, even touching is kinda “awkward” for them or they might refuse saying it tickles them etc. No talking about “deeper” stuff, they don’t have a need to “question reality”.
Sexual life is almost non existent, if you are “lucky” to have a sexual interaction with them once every few months, you’ll usually feel even worst as it will be a “quicky” they will have, with not much attention paid to you, but rather just to do it and be done with. No cuddling afterwards, forget it.
If you come up with an idea for a holiday, a “date” meal in a restaurant or anything of that matter, it will most probably always end up being a long argument and “begging” from you, they will eventually go, but won’t engage much whilst there, so you’ll feel super lonely there and it’s won’t feel as much fun. But you’ll post nice photos on social media, to lie to yourself you’ve both had a time of your life.
Shopping with them? Forget it, it’s too much for them and they would rather just give you the month to sort it out for the household... or, more often, you will buy stuff and then will always fight to get them to contribute to this in any form. You cannot expect them to e.g. ho out and sort out the grocery, they will usually buy cheaper shite anyways. The rest they’ll spend on their own stuff.
Every time you try to bring those issues in a gentle and respectful way, in a mature loving conversation, they will get “offended” and turn it upside down that you are “too much of a hard work” or you expect too much.
You will feel lonely, very lonely, but there will be few sparkles here and there to keep you together. But nevertheless, it will be a lonely and painful journey.
Ask yourself if you really want to be there, cause these people hardly ever change, they don’t see a problem within themselves, so it will be on you to handle again, as per all others points (and possibly more) above.
😢
This is borderline emotional abuse. 😣
you described my 2 year relationship perfectly- 'bread crumbing and gaslighting. the last straw was when he refused a round trip of 15mintues to pick me up so we could have sex. yet would drive 2 hours to engage in his hobby. 'low value' was what I told him and it angered him that I used that to describe how I was feeling. that was the last straw. do these people actually miss us? doubt it.
Couldn’t have worded it better myself! Been with one for 20 years they never change or mature or grow! It’s always deflection blame using you for sex ghosting you avoid the accountability being superficial never being there for you kissing you holding you emotionally into reacting with you. It’s always all their terms you feel like a toy on the shelf and it’s disgusting what they do to self-esteem.
Thank you for this. This describs my relationship with my wife. My wife was a loving person when we were dating and when we were first married. She over the years became cold, avoidant and unwilling to talk. This behaviour mirrors her parents behaviour. I love her and just want love in return.
I feel for you, but wishing doesn't make it so.
It is being duped. In fact let me use a legal term called inducement. When you present yourself to someone, and you fake who you are, you are in fact lying to them. If an avoidant, regardless of trauma in their past, pushes through their initial anxiety to pretend that they are not a dismissive avoidant, and the other person falls in love, and then the tables are turned and the avoidant does a complete 180, that is fraudulent. That is a refusal in the beginning to allow the person who is not an avoidant to see the world as it really is. That is a blatant and direct attack on the autonomy of the person who is not the avoidant. And that is also a direct refusal to enter a healthy relationship based on a lie.
I have degrees and one of them is psychology which doesn't make me all knowing in this, but if the avoidant hides who they are, to snare their lover, only to completely show their true colors, that is terrible!
I'm not saying I don't have empathy.
I'm reading other people say that someone should help their partner through their depression and through their avoidance behaviors. It''s a well-known fact in the psychological community that healing from avoidant attachment is one of the most difficult things there is to do, right underneath healing narcissistic personality disorder. Walls go up. It takes more than just months of intense psychotherapy to treat and change avoidance behaviors more so than anxiously attached and I think that needs to be addressed.
It is also a proven fact that the partner of the avoidant is damaged. Cortisol is released in high amounts in the non avoidant partner which increases blood pressure and heart rate and has a strain on the heart and the nervous system and impacts emotional well-being and can have lifelong negative effects.
People who have avoidant attachment need to tread extremely lightly in dating and be painfully cautious about the person they are about to wreck. You know it, and I know it.
Secure types have a much easier time being with an anxious type than an avoidant and that is generally accepted knowledge across the board.
These people have suffered in some ways similar to the anxious types, they just landed on the opposite side of the coin. That's unfortunate, they should still receive empathy and compassion, but not at the risk of damaging others. That would be like if you told someone to stay with their narcissistic personality disorder partner. Doesn't sound like a healthy thing to do? And you might throw your arms up in the air and say it's not the same, well it is the exact same if the behavior and the damage is the same. It just has a different label on it and narcissistic personality disorder has much more stigma to it right now.
But do they really do this ... faking who they are?
And do all of them this?
Or is this the narcissist who does this?
Very well put. Thank you
Jaunty Dopamine, Maybe you will see this so here goes. Youve got a degree In psychology is it really that hard for them to change? My ex is all of the above in these threads and more and its sad, I care but Im secure and Im strong, but stronger now than In the relationship, are they known for “Wrecking” people? Like is that a thing? Beacuse its like a mist has been lifted for me. I miss her, care for her, but yeah it really messed me up and usually like fine and have been for years. The whole cortisol release thing thats just mad is that a fact? I think I felt like that massively like your stressed but your only stressed beacuse the person you met / knew/ thought you know has just gone and its so bizarre. I would say I would “Like to work it out” from love...but reading all this for days my Logical mind is like . NO. You cant do that. You cant be put there again. You gotta let her go and thats that it really is quite a damaging effect these type of person has? Its actually peaked my interest in psychology I swear!
Great insight. You sound pretty interesting
This is exactly my struggle. I feel so duped- he totally fooled me and withdrew so completely that it left me wondering how I could've been so wrong. It left me doubting my ability to trust my intuition.
A lot of the comments I've been reading here are adults who have experienced an abusive relationship with Narcissists with an Avoidant attachment. And as someone who is an Avoidant I offer my sincere apologies and sympathy.
But a good chunk of the comment are ALSO saying that you shouldn't deal with Avoidants, or that they're ALL abusive and don't deserve love. And that messes me up a bit.
Despite being 16 I've never been in an actual relationship, because as I said above, I'm an Avoidant. I have a hard time making friends because its hard for me to display the empathy needed in order to do so. I don't do this stuff on purpose in order to be abusive or gain control ( though I've notice i do tend to get angry when things don't go my way in group projects) this is just the way I work.
I feel all kinds of wrong when I show or am given genuine affection. Even from my family members. Of course, I feel extremely lonely because of this. But I can't stop thinking like this
I think its very important to recognize that peoples minds work differently. While I'm not excusing the abuse that everyone else has gone through because of a Narcissist partner that so happened to have an Avoidant attachment.
But I don't need to be told that no matter what I do, because of the way I attach to other people, I don't deserve to be even dealt with or be loved. I don't need to be told because of the circumstances of my life that I'll end up as a selfish, abusive person no matter what I do.
EDIT: Ok so turns out I'm probably just autistic LMAOOO
Then try your best to change. Try your best to understand the other person(s) who's trying to talk to you. Listen. Don't just think about yourself. While that's not a bad thing, but you shouldn't go overboard with it. Be self-aware. Most of you avoidant people have abandonment issues. Well honey I've got news for you, life is all about rejection. SO WHAT if the person you opened up to left you? People in life comes and goes, and that is LIFE. By being even the slightest bit more open and optimistic, you'd then know that at least you've tried your best and the person wasn't right for you at all.
What if one day the partner you get is an avoidant narcissistic but you want to care for them and hear them? Well of course you'll feel that you don't "deserve love" like you mentioned. Then comes the long run of hoping they'd be more open and optimistic to you, you'll just slowly lose your affection and even might with your sanity.
I was once an avoidant neurotic. Having to grow up through constant extreme emotional and physical abuse, apart from real affection and love, countless backstabbing can do that to you; to be an avoidant neurotic. I still am a little neurotic but I'm constantly trying to be a better person with open and straightforward communications. Admit to your mistakes, there's no shame in it. Learn from it and grow. BE self-aware and think about other people's feelings and try your best to understand them. Imagine yourself in their shoes if you have to. Everyone who came into this world has their own sufferings.
Not everyhting has to go your way. Life doesn't work that way honey. If it did, everyone would be successful and happy.
Ok, I hear you! If you are constant in that behavior..that is different, but if show a potential partner that you are WARM AND AFFECTIONATE and as soon as as that partner commits to you all of a sudden you withdraw...it leaves us confused. Please, know I wish you well and prayerfully you can express that to your future partners so they know that is who you are. Blessings 🙏
This Is An Unique Username I Swear Hugs to you 🤗 Thank you for your vulnerability. I want to know that you are seen and heard. I hope you find your way to healing and know that you are worthy to being known and whatever goes on in your head is valued. Much love xx
You'd have better luck driving a car without tires.
You are very astute and aware for a 16 yo.. really impressive ❤️
As an avoidant type …..pls know that every small step is Hugeeeee for us…. The fact that we’re trying is bcuz we love you…..the last thing u can do is give up on us…..be whole by yourself and we will become inspired to do the work….it can happen…patience will be a must.
I read this comment and I felt as if my partner (avoidant) was saying it to me and it just broke my heart.
Everyone should do the work and not wait to get inspiration from someone else... it can be exhausting
Each individual should be responsible for their own healing instead of dragging another person into their emotional storms. It’s very unfair to their partner.
@@GTO.007 no dragging. Each following there own purpose and work.
Yeah and stop comparing avoidant styles to narcissists, obviously that's not gonna help anyone.
Both my husband and myself were introverts. He passed away 6 1/2 years ago. He was also 8 yrs. older than me. After about 8-9 yrs. of marriage I calmly asked him if there was some reason why he didn't want to be intimate with me. I had caught him off guard when he suddenly said that there was nothing in it for him. I was floored. Then he said, the secret is out. He didn't answer when I asked him why he had a secret. I was heart broken because I really loved this man. A few months later he said with disgust that he felt trapped in a life-style. I said I was sorry he felt that way. A few months later as I was planning for the Christmas meal he suddenly said he didn't like turkey. It took him 10 years to tell me this. So I cooked prime rib.
A week later, he went into hospital with pain in his abdomen. Sent him for tests and told he had about 10 weeks to live as cancer was everywhere. He couldn't come home because he was too big and too weak and had too much pain. I asked him again if there was something wrong with me that he couldn't be emotionally intimate with me, then the doctor came in. He refused to speak with me.
He slipped in to a coma a few days later and died still with holding. I cried.
He was 69. I've never entertained the thought of marrying again.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your lonliness😞🥀
Bless you dear. .You deserve better in life and in a relationship. Sometimes things feel bad and we later discover they were/are for the better after all. Wishing u true healthy love and happiness.
I think as an anxious person I was so focus on my needs, that’s all I was verbalizing and I admit there was a bit of coercion because i keep trying to make assumptions about what he might of been feeling etc so I think on my end I really need to work on my own security before trying to communicate with him (as he is avoidant)
JAYLOR07 girl I see you on TF readings 🤣hayyy! Lol
Spam Ella heyyyy 💕💕 I’m getting around 😆
Wow girl I could tell you really wanna work things on with him… as you’re so attached to him … it’s sad that other person won’t feel the same
@@jenballer1700 💯 but that’s dead now #movedon
I felt like my ex had no care at all about what I did, never feared me leaving, massively took me for granted. I put so much more effort in and empathy than she did. It’s not her fault but it is her responsibility to fix it.
This video has made me really appreciate how far my avoidant husband has come. And how hard it must be for him to get to this point of growth so far. It also makes me realize how many of our issues are not because of something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm thankful to God for this video because it shows me how to love my husband better, I know the Lord has been telling me to lean on Him for my comfort, He can be what my husband can't be for me right now. And I can still love my husband and respect where he is and trust that the Lord will take care of it, because I can't change him. I'm just so glad to have come across this knowledge, it gives me so much peace.
🙏 amen
Yrs, the avoidance is a way of controlling.
Not controling you but controlling them getting hurt. Avoidance isn't about YOU but them trying to protect themselves from hurt, pain, fear, axiety. it isn't about you.
@@ioovoo1818 I don't see how me avoiding conflict is trying to control someone else. A lot of what I'm reading is coming across as the posters have bigger personal issues than the avoidant.
@@WanderlustEstate I agree...
@@WanderlustEstate especially cognitively, amongst other things more psychological...
@@BabyfaceGaming101 Good call.
My biggest question would be, was this person this way in the beginning... or did they do the typical bait and switch.
Fake ppl pretend to be soooo warm and so attentive in the beginning. Until they get you where they want you.
Then here comes the real them. Moody, avoidant, difficult, accusatory.. etc. Etc.
Life is too short to deal with such nonsense.
Date someone for a long time to see if they switch things up on you. Give it time.
tranquity...I respect your concern, but it appears you have little knowledge of all the detailed psychology that narcs are experts at using. Psychology is an extremely powerful tool, especially when used in the "good cop" scenarios. That's why emotion is their most used tool! Anyone dating a narc is not going to think negatively about the great treatment and needed (fake) love and affection they are receiving. That's why lovebombing comes first.
My physician assistant said she dated her husband for 10 yrs first!
@@sungirl9951 ...Notice how the so called super wise high ranking religious leaders won't budge on old, outdated rules like "premarital sex is a sin". These old farts in fancy robes and titles have earned zero credibility. I left organized religion ceremonies on Sunday over 40 years ago for too many factual reasons to detail here. Notice how poorly these religious old fart leaders have done fixing all the child molestation in their own ranks going on for decades. They actually actively keep trying to protect pervert priests way too often. Once again, mere mortal men have tried to hide behind their fancy titles , fancy religious robes they wear, doing their usual sales pitches during mass ....and more. The "report card" tells the real facts....mortal men will screw up once they get into positions of power that the morally weakest of "men" tend to pursue. Politicians are no different. Most powerful CEO's are no different. It's one lie and one excuse after another....just like narcs. People need to learn to put in the time to be self taught versus trusting any man on pedestal who promises "solutions".
There are some warning signs but usually whole thing comes up as relationship progresses and you already feel attached to them. Deff not the first date.
@@becurly8784 then we tend to make excuses for them. Repeatedly. When in reality our gut is saying run, run, run! I was once talking to this narc on the phone and he was desperate to get me to give in so far as sex and was bringing up a multitude of scenarios in which he thought he would be assured to get some.
I got tired of explaining my stance on it, and ended up hanging up on him. Honey, he flipped out and said within milliseconds did you just hang up on me?!
What was his first clue lol. Oh and btw his wife had only been gone for a few months and he was already over it😮
She died of cancer.
Avoid avoiders.. problem solved!
That's my way of looking at it. But mine communicated so well when he laid the foundation of our relationship, but dkwn the road, he became avoidant and compared communication about our issues to a horror movie he did not want to go to. Mind u, I have never raised my voice at him, but i say it as it is.
yep they don't change...
It's not your job to help fix someone who is not proactive in their own healing.
I have avoidant personality disorder. It is not something I choose to be. I am very emotional when you get close but I tend to be very self contained. I work hard to be open but I get scared people will hurt me. With people I get lonely because I can't stay open long term.... Avoid the avoider? Like I am a bad person who doesn't deserve to be loved. Yes L V, avoid me, I am just trash....right?
The problem is not solved for the avoider. We need help too.
I feel like growing up with narcissistic parent creates that avoider mentality as a coping mechanism. If sharing your needs led to someone using them against you, you learn that it is dangerous to tell people what is important to you.
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Avoidant here. All the people in the comments demonizing avoidants and talking about them like narcissistic assholes is pissing me off. We are afraid of intimacy and vulnerability, and because of that, you, an anxious, are put into the worst possible scenario: one in which you are constantly worrying about what we're thinking. Because of this, you feel abused and manipulated, when really, this isn't what most avoidants are trying to achieve. We aren't trying to hurt you. In fact, if we knew that we were avoidants and why, then I guarantee the majority of us would try to reform--like I have, and many like me have.
Believe it or not, just as you have low self-esteem, we have it too. All my life, I've believed that I'm needy and clingy, but really, I'm the complete opposite. As soon as someone starts to get to know me, I freak out and push them away. So many of my relationships have ended because of my habit. Several people, friends and potential partners alike, have undoubtedly felt played or "led on" by me.
But I'm working on it. Believe it or not, I am actually en empathetic person--not some monster who likes to mess with people's feelings like you all so willingly believe. Stop demonizing avoidants: we're broken, complex human beings, and we're just like you.
I’m a secure attachment style - I agree it’s all about compassion and understanding for others - anxious or avoidant. That’s the point of any relationship- be aware and communicate your needs (try every day to be 1% better at doing it).
I was the avoidant in my last relationship. As an introvert, I like my own space, as much as I loved her I needed regaular time to decompress. However, I'm now aware that was damaging to her self-esteem and confidence in me and for that I am sorry. If only I could tell her.
You could tell her. Now stop dating until you fix yourself.
Yeah, my boyfriend didn't want to know me, or wasn't interested. I was so disappointed. He even made fun of my interests, and refused to share in them with me. I want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like, or how I make him feel.
Sadly a lot of other people really understand what you mean and how you feel. My husband does this to me as well. I am now making plans to end our marriage. I have had far too many years with him, being treated badly. I deserve better as do you. I hope you have a much happier future xxoo
@@susanmcguire4664 Thanks.
It's a prison in the head can't break free and opening up feels like torture
The torture..it takes your soul ,chews it up, spits it out. Suicide sounds good!
They tend to have no problem opening up to begin relationships, just not to maintain one. Who wants that!?
Go to therepy, read books, seek profesional help - everything can be worked on.
I am not defective. I may be avoidant but I am worth getting to know. I might get scared and close myself off from you, but it isn't about you, it is about me and fear of myself and the fear of the horrible things I think you think about me. I am a human and I do have very deep thoughts and feelings. Sometimes my feelings feel numb and I don't know or cant feel. I tend to feel very much like an unperson when I become numb. I deserve love even though I am afraid to accept it. So many of these people in these comments are cruel and self congratulatory for "getting away" from avoidant people... Your attitude is just a symptom of our disease.
a lot of avoidants are not so self aware. They find themselves feeling numb or unengaged with a relationship and think that means the relationship isn't working or there's no connection etc or dont even notice it happening. A lot of them think thats how everyone feels and that its perfectly normal, or that the people who can sit together all lovey dovey all the time are the ones who are odd/different/faking it.
They dont register that anythings off about themselves to begin with, or not for many years, so they dont or cant work on it.
my last girlfriend had an avoidant attachment style and i have an anxious one (with many avoidant tendencies), its very hard to get close to someone when you both worry that anything you tell the other person will instantly make them reject you, or in my case that if i didn't constantly try to maintain some form of connection they would suddenly lose all interest in me. which of course makes everything worse for an avoidant person.
eventually she broke up with me and since then ive learnt all this useful information about attachments styles which has helped me understand the reasons we broke up, and that they weren't entirely the reasons she said at the time, and why afterwards she quickly drifted even further away until now where i have no means to talk to her at all.
even after all that I dont have any negative feelings for her and still think about her every day hoping that shes doing well and getting what she needs. So not all of us are being cruel about our avoidant exes.
hope you also find what you need.
This sounds like what i think is what my boyfriend some or a lot of the time feels.
I also dont like much of the comments on this video.
I don't have the same feelings as you... of course i have other tricky feelings but not this ones. I am here because trying to understand this type of thinking/feeling because of my boyfriend.
So maybe this can give you a little trust that there are people who care and try to understand.
Good that you try to understand and improve yourself.
I’m avoidant myself, but I just stay out of relationships.
Thank you
I am both the avoider and persuer. I recently discovered you and your channels online and I am very thankful. As I am learning all the skills I lack to be able to have healthy relationships with the people in my life and myself. I find your way of communicating and your energy very pleasant and non judgemental.
My ex acted like an avoidant but his motive for his avoidant behavior was to feel powerful by watching me “pursue” an answer from him. This is took me a long time to understand . He did it 100% of the time I calmly brought up an relationship issue or need. But he also did it a portion of the time over tiny things like something as simple as arranging whose picking up dinners, do you need me to bring extra blankets? or asking what type of movie he liked etc . I believe he felt important by withholding an answer. I do not believe this is what the avoidant described in the video is or that I was a pursuer but if you’re like I was searching for an answer to this going on in your life then you’ve probably got a narc on your hands and need to do work on yourself so you don’t keep attracting them.
Sounds like narcissistic behaviors or tendencies. He sucks energy from your struggles to get your needs met. His withholding from you kept him in control of you and the situation. This relational dynamic is crazy making and exhausting.
I experienced this as well. I avoid anyone who displays this behavior now - male or female - friend, coworker, or significant other! For a while this behavior was extremely triggering to me, but now I just notice it and make a mental note to slowly back away. If they wonder why we are drifting apart, they can ask….otherwise, they probably know what they did. I used to fight so hard for relationships and to be understood in them. It was always a waste of energy. The people who care about you will treat you in ways they themselves would like to be treated, even if that’s not always what you’d like. There’s no clear double standard at work.
Thank you so much for this video, very helpful. I am very introverted and avoidand and it really helps to hear someone exploring this subject in such a lovely, non-judgmental way.
Learning about attachment styles literally saved my sanity. I am 45 years old, and never recognized this behavior before. I’m sure I’ve seen it before.. but I had no idea what I was looking at. Once my eyes were opened though, it changed my whole life.
I am anxious attached and ADORE my avoidant partner now. We met each other both broken isolated with nothing and spent five horrible years of instability trying to survive abusive family situations that had wrecked us financially and emotionally.. We met with nothing, escaping bad families. Throughout it all we never lost our ability to understand and forgive each other, falling back in love and having compassion after the blow outs my anxiety and addiction would cause because I was coping with emptiness. Everyone around us thought we were toxic for each other and tried to aggravate the situation like this CZcams commentary. We were both just afraid. I self destructed with anxiety about being alone while he enabled out of fear of my behavior. Until I hit rock bottom. I gave up everything it seemed for him and it seemed like and he was so spiteful and selfish in return. Possibly trying to kill me or wanting me to die because he didn't do anything to stop me from hurting myself. I was soooooo wrong. After one particularly bad episode where I hurt myself and he withdrew I had a moment of clarity and realized I saw fear in his face. i finally decided to try something completely different and scary from anything I learned before in my childhood. We had survived to this point using each other's strengths to help our weaknesses in a cruel way, the only way we ever knew, why couldn't we use them to heal each other? We needed to see the child inside that was hurt, not the person our fears and anxieties from childhood abuse and neglect painted. I used my emotional intelligence strengths to get us both help and surround us by resources. I then would use techniques I would see done by healthy parenting and animal trainers 2 gently coax him out of his shell into doing something positive for me by calmly explaining my fears and anxieties while soothing him and telling him I loved him and all the good qualities about him. We developed a system based on Mutual Trust respect and healthiness. It was the hardest thing I ever did and also the best thing I ever did. Pain only brings more pain and although we can't avoid it sometimes, we can learn to do the least harm possible by looking at our own issues instead of blaming them on others. I had to choose my partner over and over and over again. Correct my anxieties over and over and over again. Remember that I loved him over and over and over again. I filled the void with healthy resources and balanced people while I waited on him and had patience. He came around incredibly quickly, it seemed, almost as soon as he saw me get up and try something new. It was so easy after 5 years of hell. Now we hold each other close and exchange tender moments when I ask and I know when to back off and give him space. Instead of wondering why he doesn't want to be with me i wander off and go play video games or work with my dogs or on myself. Now when I have anxiety, I understand where he's coming from, teach and learn from him and love him because all our problems came from the fact that no one did that for us as kids. We have been going strong for quite some time now, constantly building each other up in the areas were too scared to explore on our own. Most complicated thing we will ever have to deal with in life is another human being.
How did you help him (avoidant)? I've been working on myself (anxious) and healing. We have started counseling but he still cant see how he is. Weve been together nearly 5 dysfunctional years. I feel like there is no help
Thank you for sharing this. We have been married for 6 months and thanks for my husband. He identified and got help at this point. Now I understand that he is not doing it because he doesn’t care but because he himself is triggered. It brings a lot of sense and serenity. I am anxious and he staying away made me feel very unstable and inconsistent. But I now understand that I should focus on myself become secure and ask what I need instead of blaming him and he has done an amazing job changing himself in first 6 months which I could not identify. I feel very bad for not being able to see my anxious attachment soon but thanks for him I see it and we are working on ourselves. I remember him saying” I am not afraid because I know that this solvable and I am not going anywhere and we can solve this. I am confident.” I did not understand how thoughtful and mature he was. He is an avoidant and he is doing an amazing job being vulnerable. Thanks husband!❤
But what can happen is the partner puts all the responsibility on you to make the relationship work and for you to make them happy while they don't communicate issues to you and or put in any effort themselves to help the relationship grow or even stay where it's at good or bad. Then your needs are not met, by yourself and your partner, because all your attention is going to keep the relationship afloat. You then become resentful and start to burn out. Getting distant yourself. Then the relationship fails because you are no longer holding it up. Everytime there is an issue you have to address it whether you see it with your partner or with you, that gets old fast a people usually walk away to look for a healthier more invested, and giving partner, with more open and better communication skills , because woman are not put here to teach a man how to communicate and it's not her responsibility to make the man happy, putting her own needs on the back burner, for a partner who isn't putting any work in the relationship and may not be as committed as you need him to be in the end anyways. You're wasting your time.
czcams.com/video/BTCy4FEl4UE/video.html
This sounds like too much work
Right...
wauw
Toni B it is, and their sorry-asses know they’re not even worth it.
Marriage is work
She’s probably avoiding
I'm in love with an avoidant. First time I ever loved someone so much yet I deal with this. It's torture it's unfair and avoidants need to just be ALONE
I understand totally, I have never loved anyone so much and now this happened, it hurts so much.
I think something worth remembering is we can have both connecting and avoidant tendencies. I do. I think think this kind of video helps be introspective and recognize when I'm being one or the other and why I might be in that role. That for me is the key to moving in a healthy direction. When I'm avoidant it's often because I am afraid of being hurt or misunderstood. The emotional vulnerable part of me is nervous about sharing something that could put me in emotional jeopardy. Knowing that helps me be more present and aware of emotions on both sides. Don't let me fool you. I'm not super star but with more time I hope to be a better player. Thanks for the video Mr. Carter!
AKA: Cold and indifferent. Bummer.
No I’m not cold I just don’t care.
I appreciated that this style is explained in a way that applies to more than couples. This is a dynamic that can be found in best friends or in pairs like parents and their teen / adult child.
My partner turned me into an avoider. I never was before.... it’s not worth it with a jealous, insecure, and judgmental partner....
yes it's interesting, my partner of 1.5 years turned me into an avoidant because of his clingyness, anxiety, jealosy, etc. made me run for the hills. then I dated an avoidant and he turned me anxious.
I feel I turned into an avoidant too.
Nothing is worth discussing.
Everything is turning a mole into a hill.
Everything is overreacting and oversensitivity.
So why bother and open up to someone.
Just deal with all my stuff myself.
I feel the same way. But you build up resentment and eventually lash out or leave. BTW, the expression is turning a "molehill into a mountain."
I’m turning into an avoider too
I'm not sure it was your partner.
How to respond... Bye Bye. I aint playing
By the time the truth is revealed you’re in love with the person because they’ve presented themselves for months as being open and communicative...but then once all the dopamine starts to wear off they come back to earth and climb back into their hole. My ex has so many wonderful qualities and made me so happy in so many ways. It’s easy to say I should’ve just said ByeBye but it’s hard to do because love is rare and precious. But with no freedom of communication, intimacy just withers away. It’s sad as hell.
@@nunya257 yes, you're exactly right on this. I'm living it and want to get away. Hopefully I can. I hope you find your Peace soon. xoxo
Melinda Smith Thank you. He left me six months ago. I cry only every other day now so I’m getting better! Good luck to you too.
@@nunya257 that's exactly what happened to me. He's the one who really pushed for the relationship. He was so charming and seemed so certain about "us." I never saw any fear or doubt on his part. He made me feel so secure and so loved, so I went with it, I let myself fall. Well as soon as I started to reciprocate, all his walls came up and he completely pushed me away. He was completely afraid of his emotions and mine.😔
I got away,so can you ladies!
Thank you for going into this topic. Avoidants are so confusing, & I married one- an Arab, who still hasn't completely come to terms with the fact he married a man! It's rough, but we make progress.. but the road for me is often painful & lonely. I have learned to self-soothe & self-affirm more than ever before.
This is a brilliant way of encouraging mature and deep communication! Finally someone who makes helpful suggestions, instead of 'prescribing' what attachment style fits with what!!
So i say what i need and then he says: well break up with me and find someone else.
Dutch Touch Organic Homesteading Products Same here. It feels like emotional desertion. I think I will go ahead and dump him.
IWantMyCountryBack2 good idea. Then you can come and live in Panama with me. I think 2 vibrant women can make this homestead work. (I'm not lesbian LOL, just looking for help)
Can i be the creepy neighbour?
So with that statement being made...You know what you have to do. There is a whole big world out there with millions of people. You don't have to stay where you are...
Then I say tootles!
What about avoiders who are all about physical relationships yet they don’t have empathy or deep thoughts past this? The avoidant was the one who pursued me and had all the words in text and phone calls but not in person. First time we had a small disagreement he didn’t speak to me for two days! I went nuts thinking what had I done and begged him to speak it’s torture! I don’t understand and when he’s hurt my feelings and I bring it up very calmly he throws it on me, black and white no middle ground. That’s not a relationship he doesn’t practice what he preaches!
Narc
You see the behavior and you know how it makes you feel. What is making you stick around for this? Did you have a mother or father who treated you like this? I know we all want to blame the avoidants but some insecurity within ourselves makes us hang on- some childhood fantasy that mommy or daddy really does love me and I’m going to get them to change.
@@ledonahentley4488 It definitely was NOT insecurity in me. It was that I knew she loved me is the reason i stayed. I just could not get her emotionally to show it. She had this fear of me for no reason except she transferred her feelings from her abusive mother onto me. Now after so many years she is starting to see it.
My ex avoidant was a hooker visitor.
All psyhical no feelings at all
This is so on point. I first came across the relationship attachment theory 3 years ago at the beginning of a relationship, via a fun harmless quiz on social media. My partner got classified as dismissive avoidant. But it happened during our honeymoon period so it didn't set off any alarms. Eventually all of the signs described in this video surfaced, and I was caught off guard, I think it even influenced me into being more anxious than I really am. Outwardly an avoidant partner doesn't exhibit any signs, so the anxious partner basically suffers in silence. However, I am not keen to blame this behavior onto the avoidant person, since they had no choice as to who their parents were and how they were raised during childhood. All of those avoidant-anxious couples out there who managed to work out their own dynamic do deserve some serious applause! I do wish there are also more resources and stories of these types of relationships available so that I can learn to navigate this on my own, but at the same time the easiest way to approach this is to try become a more secure person myself, so that I can coexist with an avoidant partner more comfortably.
This is great information for any close relationship. I lost my husband to cancer a few years ago after a long term marriage. I am absorbing good ideas from you as I begin to date again. Thank you Dr Carter!
I consider myself avoidant when I cannot cope with excessive stress from the people around but so deep in self-reflection as I turn on the "SURVIVE" mode daily and trying to keep the balance between every aspect of living.
Holly crap! I wish our marriage counselor had explored this with us. Unfortunately, it may be too little too late. Never the less, thank you for the information.
You are so spot on and the manner you use to get this across is refreshing! Thank you!
You gave me a lot to think about when relating with my stoic combat vet hubby. I'd very much like to see you keep making videos.