How Narcissists "Apologize"
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- čas přidán 23. 07. 2023
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This clip from Ask Dr. Ramani: How Do I Go to Therapy with a Narcissist?
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🎥 FULL VIDEO » • Ask Dr. Ramani: How Do...
Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
New episodes weekly on iHeartRadio.
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“Changed behavior is the only real apology. Otherwise it’s just manipulation.” Maranda Pleasant
Exactly! Changed behavior shows they understand that their actions and behaviors hurt someone. They don't care, they don't have empathy so it continues over & over.
True.
Yup ❤
I tell my narcissistic ex "while I appeciate the apology, I cannot accept it or forgive you until I see a change in behavior".
Response I get "I don't appreciate you making an assumption or dismissing me like that"...🤦♀️😭
We live together, so walking away makes stuff worse.
Spot On.
Therapy is were the narcissistic personality learns how to apologise so they can manipulate better
😂 So true.
Indeed. A sincere apology is changed behavior
So true that’s what I realized with my toxic family
This takes a change in mindset. Satan is the head narcissist.
@@JF32304 Pathology always trumps normalcy.
My favorite is “I’m sorry for whatever it is you think I did.”
Oh I've heard that line of BS.
I Want to Scream reading this. I want to pull my hair out one by one and scream. Commencement of the DARVO session for hours and hours and hours we thought they could try to see from our POV or dredge any self awareness.. help them understand what they did that hurt us. Turns out they know what they did. And don't care and are laughing deep down inside getting that dopamine hit like a vampire from our pain and supply. That's it! Simple truth. When he would say this, I would end up that drained dehydrated shaky heart racing mess we all know all too well.
My heart goes out to anyone ever out through this. Really, I was driven to illness and lost myself and almost my life in his deep dark well I fell down. Do not ever go back. The "good times" never existed.
Take care.
Yep my mother says “sorry IF I hurt you” no you did hurt me there’s no if
Go to therapy without the narcissist, PLEASE, FOR YOURSELF ONLY.
I currently have a case worker who is 10 years younger than me and I can see her situation SO clearly from a mile away but she still can't. I'm 20 years in w a narc, she's 3 in and wants another baby so she goes back and forth about the reality of her husband being a narc. One week she hates him, the next he's an angel, and I've had to slowly introduce her to terms like trauma bonding, love bombing, grey rock, gaslighting etc. She gets 1 therapy session per month, and is using it for couples therapy but I'm working on convincing her to use it for herself bc its very obvious that she's so attached to him that she will believe him, make excuses for him etc. She had terrible parents like myself, so she was an easy target and also has no plan B. He is all she has(also her only long term relationship) and bc of that, she's completely blind to his antics and abuse. She only knows abuse and has no idea what its like to be in a healthy relationship so she just keeps tending to this broken one that's eternally dragging her down and stressing her out. Last time I saw her she was distraught and stressing about things like him getting another dui or wrecking her vehicle, him cheating again, him disappearing and ignoring her for days etc and I was just like "Listen, you could be learning right now. You could be starting a business. You could be having hobbies and friends and fun. You could be thinking about/working toward your bucket list or dream house. You could be making memories or relaxing...but you're doing none of these things bc 110% of your mental and emotional real estate is occupied by this guy and the problems he causes you."
@@Sara_Rockafella, well, that in itself can make YOU into another narcissist, right there, you give yourself any excuse you need !
@JuergenBertram-ps7sy you know NOTHING and your comment makes that blatantly clear. And you make no sense. Your a negative navy. Or shall we say a narcissist.
I’d rather they don’t learn so I can easily identify them
Good one. There's no hope for them. They think there's nothing wrong with them on the outside but inside they are screamingly insecure. Even saying "I apologize" is not an apology.
Perfect answer.
Clever 👍
@@truthtarot7074 True cuz you can't change an elephant to a giraffe. Or any other analogy that is downright impossible.
@@Leelee-op7vj 😄👍
Having once been married to a narcissist, my experience is that a narcissist doesn't ever need to apologize brcause they can't see themselves being wrong.
You are entirely correct. My ex-narc was NEVER wrong. It was always wrong. I even asked her once if she is ever wrong. She just laughed and said "No".
messiah complex
@jeffrey…. You are 10,000% correct!!!
My dear, it is worse than you think, they do know how bad they are. They hurt you because it thrills them to see you destroyed, when they say something to make you cry or get you angry, it is on purpose, they just deny it
My favorite, they scream "it was an accident!" because accidents don't count and you are wrong for pointing out something that was clearly "an accident". But believe you me you'll apologize to them for "an accident". So will babies, dogs, and children, God and physics, followed by a 5hr looping rant lecture. It's a slow soul killer.
Warning: narcissists use therapy to learn how to better fake and manipulate their victims.
They use Internet , youtube chanels like this one as well... 😂 .
You can spot them here often
playing a VICTIM...
while
An evil " narcissist"
sleeps in the K-mart parking lot
in his car. 🎉
Yes they learn fake empathy in order to manipulate.
You can't manipulate a manipulator and no I am not a full blown narcissist.
@@zoraidacastro2703😂 way to reveal yourself.
@@Queridasweet 😉
“If I did something to upset you, then I’m sorry.” That’s the usual approach
Yes: "I'm sorry *IF* I did *anything* [means 'you are being too sensitive' when a narc says it] to *upset YOU*" [as if your (gerund possessive grammar, lol) being upset is the real problem].
That's gaslighting right there. if you think this hurts (which I don't think it does) then I am sorry. they built the apology on your - twisted - reality. it's just your reality, I don't think it is THE reality..They are so f***king SICK
Yes, I got an 'apology' six months later with PROMPTING from another person, saying they were 'sorry if what I did upset you and caused you pain.' Twelve years later, that person is older and actually much worse.
@@DazzleDust32 I’ve tried to make rational sense of these people, but I now conclude that narcissists as possessed-ensnared and driven by demonic forces-because they all seem to act according to the same script. I am Christian, and I know that humility and repentance need to be at the center our spiritual life. The goal is to become by grace what God is by nature, loving and forgiving. But these narcissists do the opposite. They get more evil with the passage of time. They don’t want to put their will in alignment with the Lord’s. They want to dominate other people and to exalt themselves. Essentially, they get just keep getting further and further away from godliness and truth, because they don’t work at changing or humbling themselves. They are filled with the opposite qualities, like arrogance and vengeance, and just keep doubling down on their own entitlement, greed, envy, etc. I think it’s a test of our endurance, dealing with these people. And it just drags us down to play their games on their terms. They only way to win is to extract ourselves from their sphere of influence, and to forgive them-from a distance. If God can find a way change their hearts, He will. But if they want to keep choosing hell, then that’s where they’ll end up. Don’t let them make you bitter, which they’d greatly enjoy.
Yep. Married one.
If they give you an apology you can believe it is meaningless
OR, that you will pay for it later in some form of punishment because YOU embarrassed them and shamed them by making them apologize to you for something they did or said that was wrong! They are NEVER WRONG. 😂
Or you end up being their therapist listening to them for hours about the trauma of how brutal and unfair it is, and how hurt they are that you said they hurt you.
You mean how a narcissist creates the illusion of apologizing without really doing it
Even when they want to return it not I did you badly it just this doesn’t make me weak but I think I should come back 😮
Yes, it needs to include correction. "I'm sorry, I hurt you AND I'm taking steps to ensure it'll never happen again." Evidence of corrected behaviours that demonstrate evidence of remorse that stand over the test of time are the real apology.
They “apologize” but they NEVER make the effort to change the behavior that lead to the apology. So a few weeks, dates or months later… you’re RIGHT back to the same conflict, because they never changed their behavior in the first place. These folks are exhausting
@Kiara…. You’re 💯% correct
@@caligirl9403That's exactly what I experienced too. 🙄
Exactly!
. . .that's why I finally had to go 'no contact', been a year now.
@carolyn4423 already at that stage the final last time. Finished.
Ive watched them claim to be sorry, but then do the exact same thing again the next time. They have no intention of changing, their intention is to shut you up.
Learns to manipulate not really apologize...so they learn to act in therapy...to be an actor...not a genuine person
That's in fact
WHO THEY ARE ...An Actor
.... Not just in therapy
... but in LIFE !
am i narc?
Some narcs never allow this conversation to even occur. They don't hear you! They only emit, never receive.
Narcissistic people can learn the words of a real apology, but they never feel empathy or true remorse.
I've actually said that to a narcissist, lol. They hate when their own tactics are used against them.
omg "i am sorry you feel that way" that phrase literally makes my eye twitch lol..
That's my narc "mom" to a T.
I don’t really understand why that’s upsetting. Maybe they don’t agree with your perspective but are still apologizing and validating your right to choose to feel that way
I hate it, but sometimes 'im sorry you feel that way' is justified bc some dont share the same pov as you, however when it comes to the narcs, they're insane
@@MrColdchillin81They are sorry for your feeling bad but not for the action causing the bad feelings
Lol exactly. “I’m sorry you feel that way” shouldn’t always be taken with so much disdain. If I was to say this to someone, I would literally mean, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I wouldn’t want you to feel that way ever” but I guess I’m now realizing this is all subjective 🤷🏻♀️😅
I separated from my borderline husband and in an email he said "I'm sorry you felt ghosted" after he ghosted me!
I called him out on it.
That's an example of him telling on himself.
I would never call a violent one out on anything. They will teach you a lesson real fast. Beware!
@labazoops it was by email. There's a violence order in place that the police got, saying he is prohibited from my residence or anywhere that I am frequently.
I am getting support from a Domestic Violence Case Worker as well as a therapist. But we are seperated and I went no contact a few weeks ago because he was still doing the same thing g's through email.
Wtf? Ghosting isnt even something you feel 😭😭
@@tonna15good point!! 😂 I wish I'd said that!!
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is how you apologize to a narcissist when they force you to apologize.
Teaching a narc how to apologize is like giving a killer a gun. You can’t teach someone how to be genuine and loving. Narcs don’t need anymore manipulation skills.
Well, i guess I'm more hopefull than many on here.
Teaching some one to have a clue about empathy is a major step for them.
Plus, you have to start somewhere.
'I'm sorry for that!' is a huge accomplishment for some folks! Even if many on here want to negate it!
I wonder if being uber negative is as bad as to not apologize for something you have done? Or is it even worse?
Hopefully not apologizing doesn't occur very often but negativety is a daily, all day, everyday kind of grinding a person down.
You can teach them. It takes A LOT but some narcs really can change. Its gonna take something drastic usually and maybe some shadow work
Real Apology acknowledges an awareness of impact on others AND it is supported with a change in behavior (it's a VERB)
Yes! My ex narc husband would apologize and acknowledge, and if changes were made, they only lasted for 2 weeks to no more than a month. Then everything went right back to so called normal.
I've never had a real apology yet after being hurt in life except 2 people.
There’s actually 4 parts to an apology.
1. Taking initiative
2. Saying your sorry with empathy. Not blaming someone else and their “feelings”
3. Taking responsibility (saying what the apology is for, what your part in the situation was.)
4. Repentance or Recovery. Fixing whatever the problem was in the first place. Or at least trying to make sure that it never happens again.
When they say "I'm sorry you feel that way", I respond, "I'm sorry your actions made me feel this way."
A narc’s apology is hoovering.
accountability is a narcissists kryptonite
Not everyone deserves an "I'm sorry". I'd rather they didn't say anything if they don't mean it.
Narcs don't apologize. Narcs pretend to apologize in order to manipulate. That's not an apology.
Not genuine, ever !
I taught my child to never say just, "I'm sorry." That's just a phrase that makes YOU feel better about what you have done.
A true apology is, "I'm sorry for what I said (or did) and how it affected you. I promise to never say (or do) that again."
That is a true apology because you take ownership of your own words and actions and understand how your words and actions negatively affect others.
Only half.
The other is knowing and admitting the character defect that drove you to it
one of the seven deadly sins I presume
@@kevintewey1157 at 15 he isn't emotionally or intellectually mature enough yet to understand himself at that level. However, he understands he is accountable for his own words and actions.
@syrexscuse66 oops, my apologies you did say child
but the problem is I'm working with a lot of adult children so I forget
My bad 🤣
A true apology is active repentance. Naturally striving to not hurt the person again.
They don't need therapy
They need a asylum facility 😂
Yess!!
My narc will say I'm sorry and when I ask what he's sorry for, he can't seem to come up with anything.
This was my experience too.
Literally hoping the bare minimum of the word itself is enough for you. Same happened to me.
@@TallGlass-fh8qf, pure pretense ?
I’ve even been told they were offended they had to apologize. Once I heard that I left them alone immediately.
an apology is better seen than heard
OMG! She's so right, and you're lucky if they even say "I'm sorry that's the way you feel". Most of the time, they will simply justify their position or deny the event even happened.
My Narc ex used to draw it out so sarcastically “I’m soooOooorryyyy” inflection up and down in the middle, he sounded like a cartoon clown, or scooby doo. It was infuriating.
Some narcissistic parents won't admit they were ever wrong in the first place, so they don't feel the need to apologize.
A therapist told me to counter back at a narcissists horrid criticisms is to say exactly "I'm sorry you feel that way" .
After you said that How did the narc react?
These people cannot get better, period, they just learn to manipulate better
Bingo!!! That's the apology I've always gotten from a narcissistic family member.
Changed behaviour is the biggest apology... Their verbal gymnastics can only go so far...
I’d only say “I’m sorry you feel that way” if I was trying to get across that I’m not sorry
No they do apologize when they realize it gets you to rest and trust them again
Superficialities !
"I'm sorry you feel that way. "
That's the closest thing to an apology that these worthless shells of people will ever give you. Cut all contact with them.
In my experience, that's accurate.
“Don’t apologize for my feelings. My feelings are my own responsibility. Apologize for what you said/did.”
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is all I ever hear.
Another method the narcissist uses is saying I’m sorry then shifting the blame to you. Making the apology zilch.
“I can’t help how you feel” was used a lot when I said he made me feel crazy.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" means we're still fighting.
"I'm sorry for what I did to you" means I've thought about my actions and realized I was wrong.
I was recently told “I hear that you feel I hurt you.” 👀 I replied “YOU hurt me.” And again he repeated it. And I said “Your actions and words hurt me.” He said “I hear you.” Never took responsibility.
It’s sooo true! They can’t even fathom that they could be in the wrong, ever. Apologies don’t exist in a narcissist world, because they can’t empathize or humble themselves enough to know that they did something wrong.
Exactly, forever self-righteous !
My husband says I’m sorry you took it wrong. Omg drives me insane. We’re both in therapy now.
As someone who grew up feeling like I had to apologize for everything because everything was always my fault, learning to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" has helped me heal in that regard. I've learned to make it known that if I'm being unjustly blamed for something, it's not my problem or my weight to bear anymore. I do still apologize for my own mistakes, though. I've just realized that other people's toxic issues are not my fault or my responsibility to fix.
Exactly, grew up same and having to deal with an ex, going no contact will seal the deal for all time!
A good way to trigger me is to say "I'm sorry for any offense I may have caused". Instead of tone-policing that person, I know instead to scrub him or her.
This is my MIL to a tee.
Therapy allows narcissists to hone their skills
Short answer: Narcissist DON'T apologize. They go to couples therapy to learn how to REFINE their Narcissisim and charm the therapist.
Narcissists NEVER apologize, or at least they never mean it.
Somebody spoke to me in a very hurtful way with cursing. I had to beg for an apology and the person text me with typos the apology you speak about. I knew the apology was off but now I understand why. The person who stood by said u got an apology
I said no and they both didn't get it. Now I see why I continue to still hurt at times. I wish the person would apologize from their heart
Stop giving others the power to hurt you, and look for a change in behavior rather than some words that have no meaning to the person saying them.
This is excellent! You must own the mistake in order for anyone to have confidence that the behavior can change.
I am never going to apologize….his favorite line
I laughed in their face and said, "Apology not accepted." Then I laughed more as if I just made the funniest reply to their apology in the world. Not only were they kind of mad but they backed away like they were scared of me.
As if to say "You're nuts. I'm outta here."
Then I celebrated! Because I beat the narcissist. 🎉
My narc's apologies are usually filled with a list of my mistakes and his defense of his mistakes.
They also say If I did something ...like I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt ... or my favorite, It's your fault or whomever was the person they hurt {but that is real obvious isn't it?}
They say i apologize but i didnt think it was that serious 😮😮
I love u Dr. Ramani, those r my feelings to that response too.
I was also told (multiple times of course), "if you say I'm sorry and keep doing the same thing, you're not really sorry." My narc husband said that for years.
Begged and cried I’m sorry..Two days later did the same thing he was supposed to be sorry about ! No longer my problem..
That phrase - from both parents at separate times - was the first thing to clue me in to the possibility that what I was dealing with (only child!) was not exactly normal 😮
#ApologiesIncludeAmends !
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is the only apology I got from my ex wife over two decades. I know that one way too well.
Yep
"I'm sorry if you thought that was hurtful."
I've heard that one too ..
My ex MIL said that to me and I said, “I don’t accept that apology. You’re not taking responsibility for anything.”
She said, “Now I feel like you’re judging me.”
I said, “Only God can judge our hearts and our character, but we all have to judge behaviors and choices as either right or wrong. And I AM holding you accountable for your choices. The way you chose to handle this situation was wrong. You could have ___ or ___ that would have began more appropriate.”
She actually says, “Well, that’s true, I am sorry.”
😱
But the way the family story is told, I’m still the self-righteous bitch.
Have had a therapist say that and exhibit many other elements of narcissism you have taught us. Wish you’d talk about the insidious form of narcissistic abuse in therapy and where to find help bc the harm done is particularly painful.
Yes, what if the therapist is a narcissist ?!
Thank you so much. 🎉 Fatigue is the worst thing for me.
Beautiful explanation of something that so many people, narcissist or not don't have a grasp on.
Needed this reminder today! thank you! he did it 3 times today and I'm done. I am thankful for your validation
That's my favorite line to use on Narcs who are trying to play the victim and use my emotions against me. Lol. They can't STAND IT!
I knew it!! Aaggghhh that statement instantly Boils my blood! I knew it was t an apology! Thank you for confirming!!
I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for Dr Ramani’s videos and books. I didn’t have words for what I was experiencing, now I know what I’m dealing with. In the middle of leaving a 6 year hell hole, I listen to these videos to help me keep moving forward and away to hopefully happiness.
Thanks for the incredibly deep knowledge that you are sharing. But expecting anything from a narcissist is going to lead to more hurt.
"I'm sorry. I should start doing that."
Also a classic
This one here gave golden globe worthy "apologies"
Dr. Ramani you're the absolute best!! A treasure thank you so much for everything
This is what I got from my ex narcissist… I apologize for our loss of love and friendship. This is such a generalized statement, there is no ownership or accountability for his terrible actions!
Without sounding rude, you are glowing 🖤
That was the last thing my mother said to me before I stopped interacting with her
The "im sorry you feel that way" is one of the more hurtful ones..
A narcissist apology is meaningless ❤❤
My fav from a path-narc was "that's s a bummer". Often the comeback..
Some times they somewhat correctly apologies, but the go right back into being toxic and when you bring it up, they accuse you of using their past against them.
I was told once that he wasn’t responsible for my feelings After emotionally abusing me for hours
It was deliberate words used by that individual that made me feel that way. Purely intentional
That is so accurate!!
The rage when I told the narc he didn’t mean it
I HAVE HEARD I'm sorry you feel that way " for the past 19 years
Christine Albright
"THANK YOU!..."
This woman knows exactly what she's talking about. True True True to every word. 👍🤗
They can be taught how to apologize, but they can never actually Feel sorry
"I am sorry for hurting your ego", was apology I've received from family narcissist.
Sadly, apologies rnt taught anymore. All parents and people should watch this video! Ty Dr. R.
My ex narc actually loved to also add, “that wasn’t my intention” and “I hope you can heal and forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself.”
The closest I ever got to an apology from my ex was "I'm sorry you were hurt. That was not my intention". They say it as if it was someone else causing the pain!😮💨
"That's not what I meant.", "Sorry I've been stressed", "It just happened." 🙄
@caligirl9403oh oh! My ex said something like "I hope you can find love, too" because he found "love" with the person he was cheating with and ghosted me for after a long term relationship) I found that confusing, disgusting, wrong, crazy making, creepy, especially during a discard. I always felt something was off with him, I just was too innocent to understand just how off the rail he was.
Being sorry that someone else feels bad or angry or upset is not gaslighting or manipulation. This lady is too cynical to be a medicine for abused people.
Saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is something I learned as a kid from a teacher at school!
I was told I can say this when someone is trying to blame me for how they feel.
I am a cry baby. And as a kid I needed a way to protect myself from all the weird games that kids play on each other. This response is gold, because it allows me to completely disengage. In fact, I have used it many times to escape manipulation, and remove myself from more than a couple of situations that we're desperate for my participation.
Dr. Ramani = Dr. Awesome!
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
never ever will they say" I am sorry,I was wrong."
If someone says to me “I’m sorry you feel that way”, my response would be “ YOU should be sorry for acting the way you do”.