SIGNS you're in a situationship with a narcissist
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Itâs all about them. All about their feelings and needs. All about what youâre going to do for them.
Very true. They won't play your games
đŻđŻđTotally agreed. If they do little things for you there's only one reason: they are planning to get much more back from you in the future.
scary and true
That's it, you're a convenience. A commodity.
Completely trueđŻ It's always about the Narcissists' wants & needs. They are oblivious to anyone else's. Sounds to me like a "nice" word for: Situationships = Hook-Ups. Disasters waiting to happen. Way to go Dr. Ramani đŻđŻđŻ
A narcissist will make sure you stick around within reach. A situationship is the perfect distance for them. Just close enough to lovebomb you a bit to drive you insane for them, but far enough away to make you lose your mind in emotional agony, wondering why you're not good enough for them to commit.
đŻ percent!
đŻ% This.
True. Until you get educated and realize they don't have an inkling about love. They just use ploys to make you play their devious games, and live in a fantasy world with them. There's no true love there, there's no loyalty or commitment.
Far out that's exactly right.. I never knew it was a thing
Even if you don't want commitment you lose your mind over why they're so inconsistent and why they don't always act with basic decency
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesnât acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was âsupposedâ to want me, just didnât. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didnât initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesnât work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didnât feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didnât want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didnât understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didnât matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
After decades I realized I had never been actually married; situationship really describes it much better. He used me to look normal.
Right way of describing itđ
Indeed. OMG...that is bananas. My ex used to make jokes about being a lizard-alien who zipped himself into a human suit every morning to look normal. I think he might have been telling the truth! đœđŠđ€Ș
My entire marriage felt like a situationship. My ex did not treat me like a spouse unless it was somehow useful to him (sex, money). He never behaved as though he was married, making plans to hang out with his guy friends without telling me, not making himself available to spend time with me or the children. If I made plans without telling him, however, he was tattle to his mom so she could tell me what a bad wife and mother I was. During the earlier years I would try to get more involved in what he was doing by taking an interest in his interests. He treated me like an annoyance or a nag. Despite being married, if I made any demands of any kind of him, he would tell me I was too needy, unstable etc. I never felt married.
That sounds absolutely soul-crushing. It sounds very similar to my short-term (8 month) relationship with my ex. In hindsight it was a lot more like a situationship than a connected intimate relationship.
I feel you. It was the same with my wife. With the exception she was taking children with her everywhere so that I couldn't spent quality time with them. I've heard multiple times from her, and her parents how bad father I was no matter how hard I've tried. I've gave up last summer when they've started accusing me of physical violence against my wife and kids (which I never did). Only to have control over me. That was too much. That's when I've said enough, we are done. Since I've filled divorce papers all they do is abuse me emotionally. But they will not break me this time. Thank to Dr Ramani and others I finally know what's going on, and will stay strong. I wish you to be strong. Keep fighting for yourself
Well put. "My ex did not treat me like a spouse unless it was somehow useful to him....". This is what happened to me as well. Mine would run off to have fun with his brother every chance he could. He would also act like I was his parent rather than his wife: things like defiantly smoking pot in basement and then denying that he did it. Anything I needed was treated as an annoyance and I had to act as if he had moved a mountain for me.
I went through that shit too
wow. I thought I was alone in having an ex-husband treat me the way I was treated. if I asked for something, when he finally did it, he complained, partially did and cussed and fussed so much so,that I felt like crap for even asking. he would not involve me in things his friends or associates held ( like a cookout, a 40th birthday party)- would tell me as he's getting dressed, like I already knew about it. called me needy, pathetic and lots if names. so glad and happy that I divorced the co-narc. no kids, no property, no business, no contact!
They are actually extra painful because youâre left with the potential but they never give you more than scraps.
I ended up in a situationship with a narc two months ago but recognized the signs from dr ramani. As a result , got myself out of there before things got really bad
What was a sign you noticed from him? Trying to be more aware of red flags out in the wild
@@wisdomcoffee hey! Of course, glad to help other people avoid narcs. Number 1 and the most obvious: Actions not matching words. For example he would love bomb me and then disappear for days/weeks.
Number 2: He spoke very negatively about his exes. They were unattractive, or clingy, or stupid. He told me that âif I called my last ex up in the morning, she would get back with me in a heartbeat. She is still so in love with meâ.
Number 3: Disrespectful of boundaries. He pushed me to tell me things about myself that were uncomfortable. He also invited himself back to my apartment on the first date, then became annoyed when I suggested it was a bit early for me.
There were others but they are the main ones I noticed. Itâs very much a gut feeling though. I think too many people ignore their intuition
Itâs great to have Dr. Ramaniâs guidance. You were armed and able to get out on time! Good for you!!!
@@erinward2983 thanks Erin ! Dr ramani is the best I recommend her to everyone
After reading your comment, I canât help the fact that your situation almost felt similar to mine. Except for the fact that I never let my ex-situationship partner in my house to begin with no matter how many times he asked for an invite
My most damaging 'relationship' with a narc was a situationship. We never dated but were more than friends. He played lots of mind games and I was too young to fully comprehend that he would want to hurt me emotionally or mentally. He alternated from being caring to cold, close to distant, hot and cold. I can blatantly see it now but, back then I just didn't think there was a sadistic element to his personality. I was latched to him emotionally and always thought that we'd figure out how to remain friends and I was unaware that I was viewed romantically the whole time. He was very avoidant and I was kept at arms length. I'm thankful that we didn't date because it was already painful just as it was.
This is exactly what i experienced ! God it was painful during and afterwards!
Terrible... The Play Book is real... How can the pattern match so well for all....I think that's how and why it's named Narcissit ic Personality Disorder.... this is why parents are often conservative about meeting people.....love and support to all victims...I believe you
Dr. Ramani, this video made me think of narcissism in polyamorous relationships. Talk about ultimate playground for narcissistic inclined folk.
Uggggg. Chaotic and unsafe to be sure.
This describes my last non-relationship perfectly. Strung me along for about 2 years. It's been almost 9 months since I went no contact. I'm still grieving but I'm over the hump and feeling better each day. It helps immensely to be able to put my finger on what happened and why.
I am so happy for you! It will get better. So much harder to leave a relationship like this. I hope your next relationship is awesome!
Did he ever try contacting you when you went no contact?
For me it was almost 5 years.. I am never contacting him again.
Be thankful you don't have a kid with him! I would 100% NEVER talk to my narcissist ex again if I didn't have to
Describes my marriage. It feels like I'm an item put on a shelf and taken out when I'm needed; a partner on retainer.
Its such a mindfuck being in these types of bonds. There's always this underlying sense of competitiveness, which is something I never engaged in until it felt like I was forced to by this person or else I would lose my spot in their life. And the worst part is that that's exactly what happened when I let them go; I was just replaced and no thought was put into my existence after the fact. Now I'm stuck here with all this trauma under my belt and they just get to move on.
I know what you mean about the replacement part. My ex expressed zero care when I left, as if 6 years of our serious relationship didn't even exist. I always thought it was strange that he referred to his ex-wife as "the ex"...as if she was an object rather than a person. I guess that is what I am now, too. It makes the loss even harder to process because you question everything you thought you had, and realize you've been lied to, used, and spit out like a piece of garbage.
Yep! I call it âthe girlfriend experienceâ - my ex would dip into my life when he wanted the cosy comfort of a relationship and then string me along when he wanted his space and thrills. An absolute headfck and a waste of a year of my life. Never again.
Two years ago I lived a situationship, now I can give it a name. The guy I dated, a textbook grandiose narcissist, asked me at one point "does this look like a relationship to you??". I didn't understand what he wanted from me, he seemed to want a relationship but at the same time I only felt used when he felt like it. After 3 months I found out that he lied to me that he was single, he was in a relationship for 5 years. I ended it with him immediately, but it took 2 years to recover after those 3 months.
Been there. It SUX. Awesome job getting out! đȘđ»đŻđŻ Take time to heal, learn from it, then live YOUR best life with a HEALTHY person who appreciates you! đđŻđđŒ
Was his name Mark? Because that sounds exactly like what happened to me đ€
And Iâm very sorry, I broke up with my narc over a year and half ago and it still hurts
So similar to a situation I was in. I told the girlfriend of 5 years he was cheating with me (plus several other women) and she tried to leave him but a few weeks later she was back with him
@@Rat_Queen86 I read somewhere that it takes at least two years to recover from a trauma. That's exactly what happened in my case.
Oh, I have a funny story about that. I tried to warn his next victim. Turns out she is also a narcissist đđand she made him fall in love with her and give her a large amount of money. I don't know if he got his money back, I was no longer interested in their lives.
I was in a committed situation ship w/ a narcissist for 10 yrs in which he used me because he needed what I had but gave nothing in return except a permanent headache. So glad I sent him packing
It's not a relationship. It's a manipulationship.
SIGN #1. AS LONG AS YOU DO WHAT THEY WANT, WHEN THEY WANT, AND HOW THEY WANT EVERYTHING IS LOLLIPOPS AND ROSES. YOU GO OUTSIDE OF THAT, ALL HELL BREAKS LOSE. đźđźđźđź
Yup! And or discard.
Yes, I have, and thankfully realized the futility and stupidity of the whole thing. I hate that it took so long to come out of the fog, but thankful that I finally did
Narcissists love to pretend to be in a relationship with you without any real commitment. Thatâs sadly how situationships happen. They love to make it seem like youâre together while also being ambiguous so they can entertain other people and say âwe werenât in a relationship!! Iâm free to do what i want. You canât be mad.â
No accountability whatsoever...Dr Ramini, you are spot on...
I've heard it described as "more than friends but not quite hooking up either." I had one of these, it's the one that opened my eyes to narcissism, and bought me to where I am today. I basically never wanted to attempt having a relationship again.
FWB
This disingenuous way is the most cruellest thing they can do for someone who truly loves them. They treat people like objects. Being in a situationship only works if you are purely materialistic and have no soul to hurt.
So true. Iâm in one now and itâs torture, but they seem to be so common, Iâm having trouble cutting it off.
I question whether maybe a kind of "casual dating" could work for some people. For example personally I'm in a stage of life where a serious, committed relationship with the intent of a future together doesn't make sense and isn't what I want. I have engaged in some casual dating though at this stage. It might be worth noting that I am a young adult so this might make a bit more sense for my age group. In casual relationships I'm not serious in the same way that some couples are serious about spending a ton of time and energy and other resources on each other and on the relationship and I'm not committed in the same way that some couples are committed to exploring a future together or spending the rest of their lives together, however I am ABSOLUTELY serious about treating people with kindness and respect and requiring the same in return. I've found there seems to be a small community of people like me who enjoy these types of casual relationships and who see them in this way. In this small community we certainly condemn ideas such as "Well we're just casual so why would I put any effort into being kind or respectful?" I haven't been engaging in this for very long and I did have my share of negative casual dating experiences before I discovered this mindset, but still I've come to question whether the stigma around casual dating for those who genuinely want to date casually might actually come from toxic casual relationships. When you think about it, committed relationships can of course be toxic too.
@@Mike-sj9si Yes, thank you, I see where you are coming from and that's fine. I was referring to situationship in those who are not in casual dating but already in a committed relationship. Then, that committed relationship is indeed a toxic one.
@@flightydancer If a casual relationship is openly agreed between people and at the same time there is respect (when you do meet, you give your full attention, and if you do promise something, you keep the promise), it can work. A narcissist will be toxic in every type of contact though, even just a work or business relationship, or being neighbours with one. The only recurrent problem with normal healthy people in casual relationships is that sometimes one person secretly wants more and agrees to the casual thing only not to lose the other person completely, while the other person genuinely believes there are no strong feelings, then it is a bit dishonest.
Sadly, the situationship dynamic seems to be status quo in the modern dating world. Iâve dated several emotionally healthy men, yet they are not emotionally ready for a committed relationship. In my experience, the narcissists are more likely to be âall-inâ too soon. So, a situationship has been my beginning dating experience with non-narcissists.
Well, narcissists can start too much too quick and then go to situationship. When they know you are hooked, they start discarding. The key is in playing with your feelings.
@@LoveBeliefTruth Yess! That is what I went through and to not take accountability they to this day blame me for it! I would much much rather have just been rejected the honest way!
In my past situationships, I wasn't sure whether these people were too immature for a committed relationship or just playing with me.
I've had casual relationships with narcissists where we both clearly defined the relationship as casual and they still tried to push me to go too fast too soon. And then when I said something along the lines of, "What's going on why do you want so much?" They'd for some reason just automatically jump to, "You know you're REALLY great and I LOVE hanging out with you I'm just not ready for a relationship right now..." And I'd be like yeah me either that's why I got into this casual relationship but on that note the question still stands, why do you want so much? In my humble experience it doesn't matter if it's casual or serious, they want to drain every ounce of everything they can get from you AND they'll give worse than nothing in return.
Can you make more videos about situationships?? Iâm curious why I stayed so long thinking and hoping for the best. Itâs over now and I sometimes feel sadness about leaving them but also disappointed in myself for wasting my time, money, energy, emotions on someone who didnât want nothing to do with me. But overall I am happy itâs over and feel better about myself
Why has no one else made a vid about this before. Thank you. Youâre amazing! Multiple situationships is heaven for a narc. Gets supply without any accountability.
I was in a narcissist situationship for about 10 years. I was hurt so many times but was reminded we wasnât together. I finally detached myself from the situation and feel so much better and know my worth and will never settle again â€
I used to think I was in a situationship with my narc, but for some reason it never felt right to call it that. After thinking about it for quite a long time, I realized what it was that bothered me. It was a great word to excuse, justify and rationalize what was actually happening. The main driving force of our "romantic" moments was his constant disrespect for me, my relationship and my boundaries and my fear of losing him ("my best friend") because he never took no for an answer without leaving. It was his way or no way, which he later projected onto me.
Oh my god Iâm so glad youâve dedicated a video to this topic. Itâs a no go for me because narcissists 100% take advantage of such situations. If a person is extremely comfortable in a situationship - thatâs a warning sign.
This can happen in non-romantic relationships too, I feel. I used to have a friend who basically kept her friendships on a rotation. A couple of us who knew each other joked that it was her "Friend of the Month Club". But it was so confusing and hurtful because she and I would have deep conversations and share experiences together that I thought were pretty major bonding moments for two friends...and then she wouldn't answer my calls or texts for a month or more. We were "friends" for 10 years, so a time came when I needed my friends to rally around me and support, but she was nowhere to be found. I realized then that it was time to just let her fade out.
Oh, I have had several "friends" who are like this. I sympathize. It can be so isolating and hurtful.
This "situationship" sounds like Purgatory -- individuals with arrested development that want their cake and eat it too. In my opinion, this is a non-sensical and abusive dynamic. Self-respect, clear boundaries, is what is required. If you can't have that, then get the hell out of Purgatory.
Yes. This is how it feels! It feels abusive but itâs hard to pin point how or to pull away from, because there are so many of them now.
Sounds like the situationship I was a part of for like 7.5 years. đ€ŠđŒââïž
Being in my 50's as well, I wasn't aware of this term either. It reminds me that whatever conclusions I may reach about past relationships, I was providing supply for narcissists. They were happy to receive so long as I was complicit. Those hazy boundaries certainly do work to their advantage. I have clarity now about most of it but I still look back and think, "those were my dumb-ass years..."
My ex-partner did this to me for MONTHS - I thought I was going crazy even though my mind had never been clearer.
Thanks for expounding on this whole situationship thing. I've actually been in one with a narcissist for many years now, and somehow I'm STILL trying to pull myself out of it. And of course he won't make any effort to do anything other than use me as a convenience. I bear some responsibility in allowing it to continue. Be careful people of the dreaded situationship!
Omg. This just hit me and it really hurts. I didnt come out of an 8year RELATIONSHIP with a narcissist. I was brutally discarded from an 8 year situationship... đ
"Situationship" is just a nice way of saying you're being used for sex.
How are you being 'used' for sex if you've agreed to it and you're also getting off đ€đ€Ł
Agreed.
@@chayo4537because they keep you in such a state of limbo and confusion with this half way relationship, that you hold on for hope.
It doesn't always have to be sex. Sometimes it can be attention, caring, comfort, and all other emotional needs. But they don't give the care and attention back if they are narcissistic.
Iâm a magnet for them. I recently went back to study and within seconds I knew my lecturer was a narcissist. She talks about herself constantlyâŠ..she always says people love herâŠ..shes demeaning and Iâve seen flashes of jealousy. Even though I Grey Rock her she is getting worse. Why do these people get in positions of power. 40 years having to deal with them Iâm so done. Iâve considered pulling out of my course because the stress she causes me when I see her manipulate the younger members of the class. I so hate narcissists.
After 3 years of in and out behavior with a narcissist my sister has chosen to have him move into her home. I am so saddened and worried about this latest move. Her opening statement to me was " its my life, my choice". This is watching ( in slow motion) the destruction of my sister.
its best just to let her know she is welcome back any time
Same, my sis in Japan tho and pregnant for the second time (triplets, no joke!) and she doesn't seem to see how narcissistically abusive he is. It's just a waiting game at this point, to see if she will accept help when she hits rock bottom with him and his bullshit.
It's really shitty to have to sit on the sidelines as a sister and be completely unable to help because they're right, they're adults who can make their own bad choices in life and reap the shite consequences from those poor choices.
Same boat doll, just waiting for their relationship to implode. Hopefully you have better luck rescuing your sisters and I have had.
I am so sorry to hear that. Speaking from experience having been on both sides of it, if thereâs anyway you can not give up on her and let her know you are always there for her, even if you have to keep boundaries for your well being, it could help her to potentially leave eventually down the road. That was my experience anyways:) I hope it all sorts out ok. â€ïž
Like dealing with people with drug and alcohol issues. Terribly hard and always impossible to rescue
@@costelloandlizzievolk2233 Your reply lets her know she's loved and accepted. It also acknowledges the impossible situation of the whistleblower who is put into the position of confidant. It's quasi impossible to do. When this is your loved one, emotions get in the way.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and an emotionally distant father.
Of course noone knew the problem back then in the 50's.
Of course most of my relationships since found me tangled up with yet another narcisist.
Also several women-friends were narcissists.
I survived them all - but no more relationships for me - I have given it up and am living quietly and peacefullu on my own with a few good friends.
â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
It almost feels like I'll be stuck in this pattern forever.. all I'm left with is a little hope
A narc insisted on a 24/7 online situationship, which they referred to as "free love" & after getting a "NO" they launched vengance in real life..
I'm someone who doesn't want a serious relationship in this stage of my life for multiple important reasons but who still enjoys a kind of "casual dating." In my experience there is a HUGE difference between a casual relationship with a narcissist versus a healthy person. The main differences in my experience are that narcissists still want and still push for a lot of my time and energy and affection and everything even in the context where I've clearly stated that I want a casual relationship and I've clearly stated what that means to me (part of it is that I don't have a lot of time or energy to put into the relationship) and I am still acting in a boundary-enforcing way (a firm "no" when they ask me to hang out for the fourth time that week, for example) and yet they STILL push for that large amount of my time and energy, and I've also noticed they don't extend basic decency (example: They'll ask me to come hang out with them and then when I get there they'll spend 20 minutes scrolling through a dating app and messaging other people right in front of me even before they've really said "hi" to me). Then the thing that bothers me the most is they blame everything on us being casual and they act like I'm the one who wants more. For example I might say, "I really can't hang out as much as you're asking me to because we are just casual," and then they'll say, "Well I'm really not ready for a relationship right now" ... and I'll say yeah me either that's why I set this up as a casual relationship from the beginning ... or I'll say, "Hey when we hang out do you think we could put our phones down and mainly just focus on each other, especially when it comes to scrolling through dating apps?" and they'll say, "Well if you're so jealous then maybe you should leave because I already told you I don't want a relationship," ... and again I'll be like yeah I don't want a relationship either that's why I said up-front that I just want casual ... Oh and one of my personal favorites, they'll show lack of basic decency by asking me to hang out with them and then they just don't show up or text or call or anything (aka they stand me up to a date/hangout even when THEY took the initiative to make that plan with me in the first place) then they'll text me the next day or whatever and I'll be like "Oh, it's nice to hear from you. Did you forget we were supposed to hang out yesterday? To be honest I won't want to keep hanging out with you if you keep standing me up," and they'll be like, "Oh well if you want that level of commitment then you should look elsewhere because that's not what I want," ... and I'm like...keeping plans that YOU took initiative to make="too much commitment" for you? ... And by the way they still expect me to show up and do whatever they want me to do. So it's just a one-way street.
But when I've been in casual relationships with non-narcissists it's been different. It's been just a regular casual relationship. Sometimes I wonder if all the stigma around casual dating comes mainly from the experience of casually dating a narcissist.
This doctor made me realise I'm not crazy, I discovered you about a year ago, I have 3kids with him, hence total no contact is not possible ,I started doing things by myself, even most bills, and I have known so much peace of mind,but its expensive for me but that's the sacrifice I'm willing to pay for the sake of my mind.
Also, I talk only to pass information not for affirmation or consents.
My native language even can't translate this... I was so sick of that 7 years ago and there was nobody to understand me. Even thought I'm the crazy one. I was gaslighted by the narcissist leach I'm guilty for everything because don't know what I really want. I was in situationship with patological lier and tortured by the constantly changing goals the narcissist set...
This is what I feel may have happened with a guy âfriendâ, so I put him đŻ in the friend zone, as I wonât be in another âsituation shipâ. Good to know it can magnify likely hood of narcissistic dynamics, it makes me stronger in my resolve to not be in one and to protect my heart. â€Thank you đ
I feel like these things are more common nowadays because people are losing their morality day by day. Its really hard to find good people in this generation who actually thinks doing this is wrong.
I didn't figure out I was in a situationship with the narcissist until the end or actually when it was over. I thought we were in a relationship. âčïž
Me too! What opened my eyes was when he introduced me as his "friend" after agreeing to be exclusive two months before. Then the scales came off and all of the red flags flashed before my eyes. The one I introduced as my "boyfriend" never thought of me as his girlfriend, even though he wanted to be exclusive.
Perfect timing for me. I just ended a situationship yesterday with a man who was likely a narcissist. I am feeling validated now, thank you. â€ïž
Dr. Ramani, you summed it up so well. The "situationship" sums up perfectly the elderly narc I knew who was ace at having supplies lined up to give him validation, whilst playing the long married, stable family person, with wife, children, grandchildren, huge circle of family, friends, upstanding person in society, great philanthropist, and absolutely talented, all playing their various parts to prop him up, while he was literally on a ball with a variety of younger women he would text, phone and enjoy favors from. Always the kingpin, always calling the shots, and pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. Master craftsman at the ancient game of deceit, duplicity, guile, manipulation and coercion....quite a bundle for someone close to 80, with a good upstanding in society. Very dexterous in getting away to play his weird games on the pretext of "me time".....in this individual's mind I guess everyone was in a "situationship" to serve his fancies in whichever way he chose!
He was grandiose narcissist
Amazing that you talked about this today. I just left a situationship with a Narcissist
Thank you Dr. Ramani, thank you. This saves helps me soothe the heavy feeling when I thought I wasn't allowed grieve something which never was real. All I knew was that I was hurt.
Damn I needed this video and didn't even know I did. Since I'm on Grindr I've found myself in a lot of situationships and unfortunately met a couple assholes who appeared to want a relationship, only to ghost me when I set up any kind of boundaries other than sexual limits. I'm definitely going to take things more slow. If that's too slow for them, well oh well.
Get off Grindr boo. Itâs a cesspool with a whole bunch of weirdos trying to find quick sex
I am needy. I need a person Iâm in any type of relationship with to be honest and respectful. If you canât pull that off then F off. Full stop.
I have been waiting for this video!!!! Was involved in an extremely terrible situationship with a narcissist for two years. Yes, not all âsituationshipsâ involve a narcissist! But she is bang on, as usual, about how this arrangement is an ideal environment for the toxic (to us, nourishing to them) moss to grow and take over.
Thank you so much Ramani. Your insight has been incredibly supportive. What a gift; wish you the best as possible always đ€
Can you help me...with situationship with non narcissistic and narcissistic I am very much confused
High value supply => rush + much social media exposure + clingy and possessive behavior; regular supply => situation-ship +no social media exposure + push and pull / hot and cold behavior.
Great video Dr. Ramani. I feel that my love life has only been situationship with narcissists in addition to a marriage with a narcissist. When I look back I feel ashamed to have found myself in those. CPTSD played a great deal into this. As I am becoming a therapist myself I hope to help people to not fall for that, and to set up healthy boundaries for themselves. Now I am no longer interested in any kind of love relationship. The bitter taste of those situationships and relationships with narcissists is still in my mouth and I feel much more peaceful on my own. The world out there when it comes to romance just doesnât feel safe for me personally.
Please do one on a SM account held by a Narcissist with lots of followers they control. I have a perfect Case Study for you!
I definitely was in one. Everything seemed ok until the "other side" got reminded by our mutual friend who didn't think that everything is OK with what she is doing with me - without me knowing it - that I might have feelings for her. Actually I wanted to tell her that for a some time but oddly enough something felt off with her. Sometimes I didn't want to ruin an evening with such serious issue but more often she genuinely turned me off with something so I didn't say anything.
The moment when I realised something is TERRIBLY off was when we discussed this thing - what that mutual friend of ours did. She reffered to me as to someone who "didn't say anything" so she maintained that status quo with all the mentioned benefits in video, acting like nothin is happening. When this was on table I told her about my feelings. Response was quite cynic but I took it as she wants to lighten my situation (how idiotic I was...) and got told that she isnt "quite there" but she likes me so much. And then as we started talking about something else she just made fun of my feelings with some idiotic remarks about "What the hell I want, to have children with her or sth...". There is plenty of things that happen in short timespan after this as well as realisation of what happend in past months which proven my point that indeed she is at the very least benign narcissist.
What I wanted to tell by this is that situationship is gold mine for the narcissist. In my case she hasn't got main supply but rather 5-6 secondary supplies from which each one provided something else (one for sex, other one attention, fun, compassion, shoulder to cry on...etc.). That's why she didn't want relationship in the first place - she doesnt need someone who can't provide everything when there are all those guys providing everything, and that's why she was exhausted all the time, because grooming of all those supplies takes hell of an energy.
It took me 14 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didnât know she was a narcissist back then. I didnât even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasnât faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battlesâŠ. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasnât up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it. Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, âI canât talk right now, but Iâll be home in an hour.â âGood!â I replied. âIâll be waiting!â Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes. Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because thatâs when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didnât know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didnât share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasnât in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. Thatâs when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you canât do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didnât know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldnât have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier. Moreover, I was able to track all phone activities using Ryan James +1 (315) 313-4128 Totally untraceable, cheap, and anonymous.
That's horrible. I think one reason they can manipulate others is that if you are not like them, you can't wrap your head around what is going on. I'm in my 60s and I still don't get why anyone cheats and then tries to hang on to the relationship. If you want to be single, go for it. How is a bad relationship better than being alone? I was once in a relationship with someone who I don't think cheated, but was a liar about other things - often very insignificant things. I was not equipped to deal with that and it was so confusing.
@@dolores2716 imagine them being in their faith for years and get with you and start cheating. Hiding behind the faith and nobody will not believe you.
Sorry you went through that.
My narc partner told me quote " I only put my d#$k in holes ( instead of a hole) ". Also, he was reducing me to just a " hole", not a real person. Narcissists make confessions all the time.
Wow,... this reads like all the textbook narcissistic abuse in my support group. Once we see it, we are free. Your WIN is a win for all of us.
Then it comes down to "Friends With Benefits" especially when you recognize the signs of narcissistic behavior.
Spot on đŻđŻ!
Thank you Dr. Ramani đ
Two months since I was discarded from a year long situationship so he could start an exclusive relationship with someone else. Cold, cruel, no compassion⊠I am still suffering so bad
It hurts. It really hurts. I am also going through this hell right now because of this situationship shit pulled off by her. All there is to lose at the end is our mental health. It's for good that they have gone, because soon or later we would have to go through the same traumatic phase.
Some of the comments here are so inspiring by the way. There are lots of people who had been in this hell like you and me but were courageous enough to come out of the trauma. It makes me feel like I am not alone after all. You aren't alone too.
@@harikrishnan2713 thank you. The loneliness is horrible. It helps to hear Iâm not alone. I still suffer all day every day.
I consciously entered into a non-exclusive situationship with someone who I thought was friendly, interesting, kind, sexy, and SINGLE. He didnât love bomb me. He was patient with me wanting to wait to have sex. He told me up front that he couldnât be my boyfriend bc he was in my country temporarily. But then when the sex started, he got super intense and started declaring his love for me. I caught feelings too. It was so overwhelming. I caught him in lies, gaslighting me, deflecting, not taking accountability, etc but by then I was hooked. He left to his home country still saying he loved me and wished he was with me; then I found out heâs had a serious gf the past three years! Heâd lied about her the entire time I knew him. I didnât even suspect he was a narc until after I went NC. Itâs been absolutely heartbreaking and traumatic. All my previous wounds got triggered. I got so stressed and depressed and disregulated that Iâm now on leave from my job and have no energy. Itâs been a nightmare. I will never ever do a situationship again!
Great video. Situationship. Remembering this.
I LOVE THIS!! So right. Thanks for speaking to this âșïž
Been there,done that .Excellent as always.
Last week My 19 year old son text me and said, he would rather not have relationships,but a Situationship.
I had no idea what Situationshipâs meant. I had him later in life.
â€đ
Love you Dr.Ramani!!!!
Dr Ramini,
Thanks for this one. I am finding myself in just such a situation. I will address it.
Great concept! This feels like all of LA where you can not tell the difference between adults and adolescents!
Really love the new backdrop!
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! This clarifies for me the relationship I now have as a widow with a widower. First he talked about marriage. Then two years later, he said we can't be married. The reasons are valid and I agree. But now our relationship is unclear to me and he doesn't talk about "feelings".
Thanks so much!
Intelligence, charm and an intoxicating presence... â€
What?
this was just the video i needed. thank you!!
I have been WAITING for dr Ramani to cover this area. Good stuff dr. I would like her to cover big social media influencers as well.
I have suggested this exact topic for a video on multiple occasions because to me this is a textbook narc pattern.
Great video. This was a good one for me to watch today. Ty!
Great video!!!!
Youâre always on time, Dr. Ramani. This is exactly what went on. 15 months of utter hell. He put the bare minimum in with me and is now giving her everything.
Don't worry... not great for her, but she will get her own personal hell
@@Limlani
Iâm honestly not sure at this point. They seem so happy with one another.
@@runningwithscissors1564 i'm sorry to hear that for your perspective ... give it time. Not all that glitters is gold.
@@Limlani
Iâve heard that saying for the past couple days. Perhaps it holds truth. Time will tell. I just know that I am still not over what happened. Heâs loving his life and living it up while I go through days where I can barely get out of bed.
@@runningwithscissors1564 i pray the Lord leads you through the path of healing to true peace. Videos on rumination??
Another Gen x who had to look this word up to see if I was in a situationship, whew, no. As a schizoid friendships are far and few between and I value them more than the dumpster fire of drama and wreckage that a relationship would become. Flirting is strictly off the table, it would only lead to suffering for all parties involved (because of the situation).
She has been a wonderful friend over the years and her faithfulness and devotion to her husband is one of her great qualities. I worked with them several weeks over the holidays, finish-painting and tree trimming and felt the old familiar pangs of that emptiness inside that a relationship would fulfill. Someone with qualities like hers, while I lay alone at night feeling the elephant of my unfulfillable needs withering away on the elephant vine. It's kind of sweet to me, it feels good to feel something, anything. She hates dirt and mess so I wore my shabby work clothes around and didn't bother scrubbing the dried paint from my hands (Not because I'm being "fake", being a slob comes all too naturally to me) So not flirting is very easy and I have earned trust from them over the years and that means a lot to me.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Now it is starting to make more sense about my past relationship with my ex..
Omg whew so grateful for you.
This is like friends with benefits and it's not wise
Thank you!
This oneâs gonna be looooong
I was in a situationship a couple years back, I was in a poly relationship, weâll name them Charlie and Shane in this story.
I already knew Shane who was charming, nice to me, we texted a lot and all but he had a boyfriend (Charlie), so I felt bummed out for being lead on. That was until he then suggested we try a three way relationship. Now the issue that lead to the messy breakup was that Shane lived quite a while away, but Charlie lived in the same town as me. So we were awkwardly all forced to video call by Shane and I could hear Charlieâs discomfort, and relate. I ended up meeting Charlie and he was super nice, but definitely vulnerable as a result of being raised a people pleaser. Shane seemed to have a pattern of exerting as much dominance he could, it was awkward being in the middle of this, as I wasnât sure what to say either.
Me and Charlie grew closer, as we both could allow eachother to be, and this angered Shane. Now this was the cherry on the cake that made me realise he had to go (given I was 17 and only just learning about narcissism) - Me and Charlie were hanging out and it was lunchtime, so we went to Burger King. Shane was incredibly against this being pro animal rights and veganism etc which I can respect and Iâm all for it UNTIL you start mentally and emotionally abusing your partners for getting BK, thatâs not okay. So heâs degrading poor Charlie in front of me while Iâm attempting to soothe him.
Later that night when Charlie went home I talked with Shane on the phone and he said I could either leave him and Charlie (which seemed fair me being the third wheel) or I could stay with Charlie and Shane leave. He then insisted he left me and Charlie while I kept stating that wouldnât be fair me being third wheel, but then I gave up and said Iâd think about it. By the time I finally agreed - realising me and Charlie would be better off - Shane took away that option and said I have to leave. I rolled my eyes and I was annoyed, but I didnât wanna fight anymore so I just agreed.
I had cut them both off, with Shane spamming me angrily after I blocked him, and well with Charlie it was just sad, neither of us wanted it to go this way.
Over a year passed and Shane reached out after everything, saying how sorry he was and how crappy his actions were. I wasnât gonna bite though, I didnât wanna risk a hoover. Once you get the ick you canât go back in without feeling, well, icky. So Iâve ignored him since, and then Charlie is now in a happy relationship with someone much healthier and Iâm really happy for him :)) it was nice to watch this video as it covers non traditional relationships which are increasingly more common recently, and having experienced narcissism in most if not all poly hookups or relationships. Itâs been a while since then and Iâm not looking to do that again any time soon before getting to really know the people Iâm potentially interested in more than friends. These relationships if everyone can empathise and communicate honestly and address boundaries, then these relationships can sometimes work beautifully. So yeah moral of the story, the more people there are, the more potential if thereâs a narc among them that they will sabotage the whole thing - donât try poly relationships (or ideally any relationship) with a narcissist itâs a HOT MESS đ€Żđ„đ”âđ«
Update: so me and Charlie have been talking again and it's been interesting getting to know more about his situation with Shane. Apparently there was a lot more I didn't know was going on in that relationship where Shane put Charlie through some awful stuff. It makes me so mad because Charlie is one of the nicest people I've met... I'm glad we're talking again, it just upsets me that there was even worse stuff going on when I wasn't around and couldn't do anything.
Iâve been struggling with anxiety and depression. I started exploring mental health and came across the term âfavorite personâ and was like that sounds like my past 15 years with this person. I realized I have some BPD traits and CPTS traits. Then I saw this video and it was like a lightbulb hit. I just started therapy and now wondering if the last 15 years was me a borderline male in a situation ship with my favorite narcissist female. It makes the most sense I can wrap my head around.
4 years. - i met his parents once. Right before he discarded me. They lived 40 mins from my house. You know youâre being manipulated when they get away with that.
Wow! This is an eye opener, have been struggling for ages and quite intense for the past couple of years. I don't know why I still care despite knowing and understanding clearly. I just want to get out of this feeling and hope that happens soon.
Because you were capable of bonding with him. Narcissists can't bond with anyone.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 True that, despite knowing, seeing and experiencing pain in a narcissistic relationship, the mind chooses to ignore the majority negatives and hold on to whatever positive that could be found.
This was how one such Puddle conducted herself in this
" Situationship ". Unfortunately this has led to conflict and strife for her in her illusion.
Thanks Dr Ramani
I wish this video existed when I was 18, still healing from a 3 year long situationship with a very manipulative narcissist.
I was also 18 years last year. Some videos helped me to get out
Dr Ramani, you have healed me more than Jesus in 6 months, as opposed to the last 56 years.
I can't thank you Enough.
@@lindasnyder1729 God bless you Linda. Best response I've read all year.
@@lindasnyder1729 it's probably more likely that Sir Tim Berners-Lee played a bigger part than an imaginary character of whose existence has not been proven in an anti semitic novel called the New Testament, invented by Jewish Scribes and Greek Philosophers looking to gain a hold over people. The Greek translation scrolls were "discovered" 150 years after the time Jesus was supposed to have lived.
Prior to that, nobody on earth had heard of Jesus.
The way it the (NT) is written, retrospectively, is so anyone with a knowledge of the Torah (old testament) could insert a story which "fulfills" old testament prophecies and throw in a few more new prophecies to keep the reader second guessing every woeful World episode since, as proof of his nearing return.
He ain't coming back. He never existed.
I understand why it is said that medical doctors often have a "God Complex".
If a physician cures someone of a potentially fatal ailment, through their years of study, knowledge, experience and expertise, some god bothering relative will suggest God saved their loved one, it must confuse and affect the Surgeon /oncologist, radiologist etc. But we all like validation, so you can't blame the medics.
"God loved the world so much, he sent his only begotten son to die for us so anyone believing that, will believe Anything"!
Christopher Hitchens.
@@lindasnyder1729 and me â€đ„âïž
The very close friend and roomate "not the boyfriend" who sleeps over and lives in the apartment but they aren't dating they are just friends. Oh gawd yes.
I saw a very smart scientist slowly engulfed by this guy until he separated her and had terrible control over her life and the people she had in it.
SO TRUE!!! In one myself right now!!
I view "situationships" as temporary. After ~4-6 dates (1 month) I state I am looking for a relationship, there is no pressure to decide now, and we can continue getting to know each other HOWEVER I will need a firm answer within the next 2 months. I also pick up a new situationship every ~1-2 months. As one situationship to relationship offer expires (3 months), Im making a new offer to the next person (1 month).
Guess who has been in narcissistic situationships but never a narcissistic relationship? Me. My situationship knows I can and will replace them, like clockwork, unless they give me what I want. What I want is an exclusive, committed relationship. This does 2 things:
1) A toxic person realizes there is no angle to play. I have no long term exploitable value
2) Everyone realizes I have boundaries & those boundaries are communicated, then enforced (good for all relationships)
Love that color on you thanks again for your knowledge đđ
Thank you doc â€
Please, continue with this theme of situationships. Why do we enter in these situationships? what needs are being met for us? what is the secondary gain? Thank you!!!
Thank you!!!!!â€â€â€â€â€đđđđâș
Huge situationship red flag for narcissism: when they learn about your other situationships, (especially if you are communicative and honest) and they have a problem with that.
This isnt a definite indicator that the person is a narcissist, some people just dont handle non-monog well, its not for everyone.
A narcissist will rarely be ok with the concept of playing second fiddle to anyone (except sometimes in discard phases, but expect if they see pictures of you with a new person, they will seek to smash that happiness), but they will always have you feeling like you play second fiddle to all their other situationships to help hammer home that self doubt.
Single online, but lead you on for benefits/resources.