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Should I Tell Mom About Dad's Affair?
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- čas přidán 9. 11. 2021
- Should I Tell Mom About Dad's Affair?
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I saw my friend’s boyfriend with another woman. Told her, and that’s when I found out he’s a twin. We still laugh about it.
😂
Thanks for the chuckle!😄
That’s funny!
At least se knows you have her back 😁
😂
My 12 year old discovered my husband was cheating (and continued after we tried again). she told me and I am so grateful for that. Broke my heart that she had to find out. Flash forward 5 years and she and I are so close WITHOUT her father. The best lesson I could teach her was that you do not allow a person to disrespect you and treat you that way. You deserve better!
Yea my dad left my mom everyday for a girlfriend. Mom was dieing from Cancer. Changed my views. When Dad died....who cares
Good for her!! You Raised a Powerhouse!!!
@@ELBONYBEAUTY27 Thank you! 💜
An ex bf of mine caught his dad when he was 12. He found panties in his dad's trailer camper thing. He's a truck driver. The mom and dad split when he told her
@@perladelao I cannot imagine how hard it was for him to tell.
Her dad has had two weeks to clean out bank accounts, move property, hide things he don't want his wife to have should a divorce happen. Tell her now, he could screw her over.
He most definitely will.
Usually the court system can see right through that, but they should still tell her
@@michaelsteger5588it’s pretty trivial to move assets into a non-custodial bitcoin wallet and then “forget” the passphrase. Courts cannot currently compel disclosure of passphrases in most jurisdictions. If this guy is the sole breadwinner, regardless of whether he’s a cheating dirtbag or not, it’s the right call. Courts are extremely hostile to men, and he needs to protect his assets while working out a fair divorce agreement.
Yes, because cheating men always want what's fair 🤦♀️
@haploid2k the Key here is "His Assets". There ate lunatics defieving women not to work and dedicate their entire life to family and the deciet is that the assets acquired is their asset. The truth is, in reality, it's "His assets" and the woman has absolutely nothing in this world. But hey! Mop floors and clean dishes and think that counts as anything. When push comes to shove, the reality is you own nothing and are at the whim and mercy of another fickle soul.
Yes, you have to tell her.... it could seriously impact her health if he brings back an STD.... this is a physical AND emotional risk.
Why do I feel like I’m the only who says this , salute to you
Not to mention, a possible obsession problem. Lots of people get unalived by the spouses lover
Probably not an issue since he's likely having an affair because there is no sex in his marriage.
@@kimlynch-staunton1649Then leave. Cheating should never be an option.
So loyalty is only to mother?
Cheaters deserve to be found out. ALWYAS tell. Period.
disagree, i don’t involve myself in ppls relationships, period! granted ppl already know what there partners/spouses are doing no confirmation is needed, they know trust me!
@@katrinabaker581
Honestly, no one deserves an immature, undisciplined male as a father like this. What a mess!
Kind of redundant to put "male" and "father" in the same sentence. Should be obvious
@@kevins7974 lol i got confused as well.
@@kevins7974 I think she said “male as a father” to imply that he’s not a real father
@@kevins7974 These days you never know.
@@Nepthu i think you still know what a father is these days
My son was not only aware of his dad, my husband, was cheating on me, he facilitated and double-dated with him. I cannot even describe the betrayal I feel.
Oh I’m sorry. That’s terrible.
I know how you feel. Both of my boys were brainwashed by my ex, plus he was paying them as well. This has been happening for eleven years. What gives people the right to do this. . Who are these monsters
@@marypetersonma6661 I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this pain. For me, it never goes away. It’s been years ago, and yet I still wake up with my pillow wet from tears. I don’t think there’s anything as painful as betrayal from those that you trusted.
😮😮 You poor thing, I’m sorry that’s awful!
That is awful .so sorry
Sounds like the father wants _his children_ to tell the mother because he is such a coward.
Yes 😡🤬
SMH what a LOSER
It's put her is an extremely difficult position, though, hasn't it. Whatever she does, she will feel awful.
I reckon, the wife knows already, he really couldn't give a stuff.
YES! My bio dad was like this! We discovered he had an illegitimate child that's the same age as my oldest sister, and he actually asked me to tell my mom because he didn't want to do it! I let him know it was his turn to be a big boy and take responsibility for his behavior.
I was 8 years old when I learned about cheating and secrets. I innocently shared an overheard conversation that started a huge argument. I'm 56 and that was the beginning of my still dysfunctional relationship with my dad. When John said "make sure that 6 year old knows this isn't her fault", I felt socked in the gut. Still after all of these years.
I'm sorry for your hurt. Please know his choice to say that was based on his heart and his issues. Not you. At all.
I've had to learn that truth in regard to a deep pain in my life. And yes, it's much easier to hear someone say it to you, nod your head, and be like, "ok," than it is to believe it, and actually accept it as truth for yourself. That takes time. ❤
Hugs 😢❤
I’m sorry. That has to be so tough to deal with. Isn’t your fault though. I have a dysfunctional relationship with my own dad as well. He’s very emotionally abusive. He’s also very sick and I know he’ll be gone soon and we will have never been able to mend our relationship. It’s very sad.
Same. But I kept the secret and feel guilt from that.
I found out about my mother’s affair when I was 8. She denied at first but then admitted it. She promised she would end it and then to keep me quiet she applied the guilt, if you tell daddy, our family will be destroyed and it will be your fault.
@@KaleeinVA
WOW.
😡
This behavior is TOTALLY unacceptable!
No parent has a right to manipulate their children like this!
Your Mom reminds me of my ‘Dad’ - their selfish interests came first.
You deserve BETTER.
As a kid I know I would have done the same thing - you were just a kid learning your way through the world, you little neurons were still developing and you loved & trusted your Mother.
She had NO RIGHT to do this to you!
Kids come FIRST -
ALWAYS!!!
It was your Mom’s fault she had the adulterous relationship.
It is HER fault she manipulated her 8 year old to keep her quiet.
It is HER fault she burdened you with her dirty little secret.
That is DISGUSTING.
Infidelity hurts EVERYONE -
The impact reaches further than cheaters ever imagine.
I can only think she had no idea how much this hurt you over your lifetime.
Cheaters are BEYOND selfish!!!
NONE of this NONSENSE was EVER your fault.
You can NEVER be responsible for someone else’s sin.
💕
Same but opposite - I told dad. Hardest, but best thing I’ve done.
@@breeeque lol
She was for sure mad lol but for me I knew that whatever the outcome my dad didn’t deserve what was happening to him! It all worked itself out and I’m still close to my mom
@@madisonmcguire8282 well thats good ur mom didnt hold a grudge
Your mom was lurking ey? lol
@@madisonmcguire8282
I hear you.
Did your Mom try to blame you for breaking up the family?
My Dad did that to me when I was a kid.
Even as a 12 year old I knew that was total bull sh*t!
HE was 100% responsible for HIS own behavior.
💕
I would tell my mom IMMEDIATELY!
Years ago, i was already suspicious of 1st husband, my 5 yr old son came to me, saying he wanted to tell me something, but was afraid he would be in trouble. I assured him, i believed he was sincere, and he would not be in trouble for telling the truth. He said: daddy is doing________ with aunt sandy. He did not know exactly what the details were, he had the general idea.
A dear former friend of mine saw my spouse together with his former mistress in the small city in which we used to live. When my spouse returned home from his “business trip “, she called him. Told him he had 24 hours to tell me what he’d done or she would call me.
He told me. But said “he’d done nothing wrong” because they didn’t have “sex”. I was in the middle of cancer treatments fighting for my life.
I am so sorry that happened to you. 😢❤️
Did you end up leaving?
I moved on after my last child entered college.
Glad you moved on. He gave into temptation but it's a slippery slope. One step that direction then he'll find another step. Here's words to folks. When in doubt, don't. He wanted to see her. Probably would never have shared if your friend hadn't confronted him. Glad your friend shared as awful as that was.
I'm so sorry!❤❤❤
When a spouse cheats, s/he abandons and betrays the kids in the marriage too. The time spent with another outsider is time you robbed from your marriage and your kids and ultimately yourself😢😢😢😢😢
Exactly.
Time and also very often money for dinners/hotels/presents. That's not always a factor, but often enough. Especially if it's the husband cheating with an attractive younger woman, who expects to be spoiled.
Thank you, I hate it when some people always say it's not the children business. Bull, it is.
Not unless the person he's cheating with has a big inheritance and starts buying this guys children whatever they want, in essence brainwashing them
👏👏👏
I was 10 when I caught my dad cheating. I immediately told my mom. I don’t regret that, but I can’t figure out how I knew what was happening.
If you believe in 😇 and karma we all have protection gut feeling call it what u will
Cos you were a kid. A pure human with pure intuition.
My 6 year old son announced at the supper table one evening “dad has a girlfriend, she has blond hair, big boobs and her name is Jennifer!” That was the end of that marriage because his response told me that my son knew what he was talking about.
@@desertfamilyhomestead3127
That is totally devastating.
Cheaters are so heartless!
Good riddance to both of them -
They deserve each other!
Only 3% of these relationships end up in marriage.
And over 85% of marriages borne out of infidelity end in divorce.
Last laugh is on them!
🤣🤣🤣
My heart is with you.
💕💕💕
@@user-ex3mx7hk4l it was but it wasn’t if that makes sense. My ex husband was also abusive and I just really opened my eyes wide to him and everything after that and I was able to walk away with my head held high. My ex got another young woman pregnant(but she planned it according to our coworkers) and they married a few months after our divorce was final. I remarried 4 years later and we are now married 26 years and had two children and he adopted my son per my son’s request. When my husband met my brother in law from my first marriage my brother in law told me that I did good and he liked my husband and he was glad to see that I chose a man the total opposite of his brother because I deserved better. To me that spoke volumes.
Luckily my son doesn’t remember that moment as I have tiptoed around it without really saying what he said and he has no memory of it.
My 9 yr old daughter met her dad's girlfriend while on a hiking trail. The girlfriend met them there. They bought her a bracelet to keep quiet. My daughter is now 29 and just told me last week that she knew 'daddy' had a girlfriend for years. He eventually packed a suitcase and left us to live with this same woman. I wish she had shared this with me sooner. She said she was afaid to tell me. Part of my soul died when he left us.
What kind of monster drags a 9yr old into that?
@@KristiLEvans1One who wants an alibi. Disgusting.
@@leec5170 ah! How incredibly awful. 😣
💔😢❤
I'm so sorry for the pain he put you through 💔💐
I don’t keep relationship-changing secrets like this, even if it’s someone close to me like this. I’d have to tell mom.
He may think that they will be faithful to him because they're blood🤔
@@reinamacaren-a4132 Maybe HE should have just been faithful 😁
@@ember13dp
Of course. I'm just trying to get in his airhead to think how he may think
@@reinamacaren-a4132 Yea, he probably does think that
You should only be able to ruin your own life, mind yo biz
Hot mess! Just tell Mom. It’s not fair to the entire family. Sending you a big hug .
No she she needs to mind her business
@@auroramothergoddessHer family is her business.
@@Psalm2710_
👏👏👏
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK!!!
@@auroramothergoddess
Secrets live in the dark.
ALL should be brought into the light in order to heal.
The Enemy is the father of lies -
I can’t figure out as a Christian that people don’t recognize this.
💕
Silence is power and control. He is being a coward and putting you in the middle. He is not only hurting your mother, he is hurting you.
This father is emotionally unskilled and passing baggage down to his kids.
He's not "emotionally unskilled", as 15 and 19 year olds are: he's a selfish, cowardly cheater.
I told my sister when I found out her hubby was cheating and I told my cousin (who is like a sister to me) when her hubby was cheating. They both stayed with their hubbies GULP! I would never tell either of them again if I found out their hubbies were still cheating but I will ABSOLUTELY tell fam and friends ONCE if I find out their mates are creeping around just as I would expect them to tell me.
Yeh some people don’t like to listen/marriage is more complicated for some people and some will choose to stick it out through everything! Telling them once is really all you can do and be an open ear if down the track they decide it isn’t right.
women stay for the money.
I would tell my family who is close to me parents, siblings etc. Because it's the right thing to do whatever they chose to do is on them; staying or leaving. But yeah my conscience would be clear.
I’ve had to tell my sister too. She did stay with him, but that’s her choice. I would definitely tell her again if I ever found something out.
I think telling people the truth is important if you love them, no matter the choices they make afterwards.
I’d still trust my kids! I’d be extra angry at the SOB that put them in that position.
That’s how I felt - not my children’s fault - I never blamed them for a second - the fault lies with him alone
This destroyed me when I found out my dad was cheating. I was emotionally destroyed. My dad blamed me for the divorce. Exactly dad caused the mess. Healing and restoration did come.
Shame on him for blaming his OWN child for what HE did!
My Dad blamed me when he was arrested for pedophilia.
He abused me, my siblings, cousins & my friends for over 10 years -
When he knew I was connected to the cops coming for him he blamed ME for ‘doing this to him.’
These ADULTS who blame their children for ANY of their sin are WRONG.
FLAT OUT WRONG.
You can NEVER be responsible for someone else’s sin.
PERIOD.
God says, ‘Vengeance is MINE.’
💕
Not your fault❤ I pray God heals the areas of hurt🙏🏾
The six year old is the wildcard, Protect the child. Beyond that I always treat situations like this how I would want to be treated I’d want to know. Tell the mom
I saw my friend's longtime, serious boyfriend with another woman. I told him "you have 48 hours to either break up with her or tell her the truth". He broke up with my friend. I told her years later about seeing him with another woman and my ultimatum. She RAGED against me. She was furious that I hadn't come to her FIRST and let HER be the one to rage at him and break up with him...that she had cried on my shoulder all the while and I had known all of the time. She ended our friendship over it. Moral of the story? Tell the one being cheated on FIRST. The cheater has no rights here and deserves to be blindsided. God bless~
I can understand why your friend ended the friendship. You robbed her of the dignity and rage of confronting him, even if she would have ultimately broken up with him. Instead, she got 'dumped' and doubted herself as to why.
To not say anything makes you an accomplice in his fraud/adultery
No, it does not make her an accomplice.
@@kathleenshaw932 Accomplice after the fact. Is she's willing to cover up for him, she too is betraying her mother.
No it doesn’t. Don’t say that
SO THE BABY BEEN LOOKIN THRU DAD'S PHONE!!! He didn't think he'd need to keep his guard up around the kid... lol guess again sir!!
Some parents give young children their cells to play games or they give them the code so they can make calls if there is an emergency.
Cheaters are notoriously STUPID.
👍
I haven't watched the video but I say yes yes yes. Don't keep someone else's dirty little secret. The mom needs to know. Its her choice to stay or leave.
I walked in on my father and NOT my mother when I was 18. I'm 54 now. I never told my mom. They've gone through a lot (including an affair she did find out about) and are still together. Whenever my mom tells me how wonderful a man my father is, I cringe. It forever changed how I look at my dad.
Why didn't you tell her?
@@saundracohen4032 I was afraid to. I was afraid that if I did they might divorce and it would be my fault. I was afraid that if I did, it made it more 'real'. I was afraid to be the indirect cause of hurting my mother. This was before internet, too, so there was no Googling an answer. And I don't tell her now because it was 35 years ago and they've worked through his affairs even if I haven't.
@@saundracohen4032Perhaps on some level the daughter/son suspected the mom knew but preferred to keep the blinders on because she didn’t want to face her own hard choices about the marriage. As usual the family covers for the man and he continues his life as a POS who never has to face consequences for bad behaviour.
She convincing herself by telling herself that as a coping mechanism so she can find peace. It's been long enough to where she doesn't want to start a new life and that's understandable and her choice. It's better to try to find compassion and feel for her instead of feeling the cringe.
@@yourBBLstinksif he has repented then yes he will get into heaven.
My mom would be told immediately by my dad or I'd be coming through that door for my mama with the TRUTH! Truth hurts and must be told because it will hurt much more if you found out your family knew 😢
The pain and embarrassment of finding out your family members knew about infidelity but said nothing omg it never goes away . If you are loyal to no one then you are truly alone
People underestimate the deep shame the betrayed person feels.
Girl the fact you didn’t call your mother instantly. Where is your loyalty?
THIS
maybe she does not want to see or hear her mother HURT. It would be difficult situation.
@@izabellaparuit8020what? 😂😂😂 Falsehood is better than being hurt😂😂😂
@@izabellaparuit8020I agree. Tough spot to be in.
I instinctively would say, you tell her or I will. Either way that is being loyal.
Cheating is the death/murder of a marriage. Heck yes the mom should know. I wouldn’t treat witnessing a murder any different.
Agree! My 14 year old daughter had witnessed the flirty actions of ex husband now. With a woman in our community. I felt so sad she held this info for months until she saw me as I was overseas working on our family business. I confronted the ex who cowardly denied everything and developed instant resentment to our teen daughter. I was proud of my daughter and told her I believed her.
Well said
She must tell her mother. How her mother responds is to some degree irrelevant-the mom deserves the right to make an informed choice.
He has failed his daughters. Cheating on his wife(wives) gives an example to his daughters that they aren’t worthy of being faithful too. That “until death do us part” really means “until I find something ‘better.’” We are our children’s teachers and models to the day we die, and every choice we make teaches something.
👏👏👏
A father with 5 kids and 3 baby moms. It's true what they say... you lose them the same way you get them. The wife shouldn't be surprised
She wasn't the other woman though.
It’s amazing how far a big D can get you in life
@gricel8402 you didn't understand what they said. This woman likely was a affair partner to his previous baby mother
@@gricel8402he had a track record of infidelity.
@@yota8325No. The daughter said it was not the current wife. There was another woman in between who he had an affair with. When that ended, he met his now wife.
Yes. She has the right to know.
Exactly. keeping someone in the dark about betrayal is cruel.
You don't want your parent to catch an STI, so yes, you tell them. Especially as a mom of so many kids. It may not be his only affair.
This mom had a ton of kids for him and poured all her heart into this family, she deserves the truth.
Wow he deserves nothing and the kids need to tell mom.
My little cousin found out his mother was having an affair through an iPad during a family holiday in the US. He informed his dad. Divorce was brutal and messy but fortunately his dad is about to remarry another lady and he will be his witness (in France we don’t have groomsmen)
5:00 Her dad’s response meant, “Uh. Caught. I’ll cover my tracks better.”
I was in the exact same situation… the first time I told my mom, I didn’t have any proof… she confronted him, he basically accused me of lying and nothing changed.
I decided there and then, that I would catch him one day and waited for the right moment. About a year later I overheard a conversation of him and his affair (still the same woman) on the phone and I put a camera under the couch in his office. One day later I had my proof, presented it to my mom, she confronted him and he finally had to admit it… an affair of more than three years! I could write a book about it. My mom didn’t have the strength to leave him and stayed but was miserable the whole time… please, mothers out there, wo experience the same: Please be a good role model to your kids and leave this cheater immediately!!
I still wish my mom would’ve sent my dad to the streets… about ten years later, she eventually did, so why lose this precious time you’ll never get back?
That is why he was so nonchalant with "yeah okay"
My dad brought my siblings and I to met his mistress and as soon as we got home we told our mom. I was in 3rd grade at the time.
This is what sounds like a grown adult asking the question. It’s your mom. You shouldn’t have sat on this secret for weeks.
then what happened
Agree!
(Hon, it's "my siblings and me", not "my siblings and I." Would you say "My father took I to meet his mistress"? No, you would say, "My father took me.....)
And it's actually more difficult when you're an adult. A child will blurt out anything, without thinking about the consequences. As an adult, this woman knows that if her step-mother leaves her father over this affair, she may lose her relationship with her step-mother, whom she loves. A child would not think like that.
@@anglophils645oh my gosh the message is still clear. Don’t criticize so easily.
Absolutely tell. Never cover for a cheat. It makes you complicit with the one who is doing wrong. And your mom can know the truth and make her own choices and protect herself. Very sad.
If I ever caught my dad doing that since I’m a man it would be different. Because of the fact that I love both of them still I would say once you either tell mom or I will. You have one week to make your decision. Because my mom has brought up the fact that she would leave. Let’s just say if I didn’t love my dad I wouldn’t hold him accountable like God holds me accountable.
So true
How is that different than Dr. Delony’s advice? He said to tell dad to talk to mom within 48 hours or she will tell. You’d give it a week. Same advice though.
Being her stepmom is irrelevant since she said they all love and respect her and call her MOM. In that relationship I'd be heartbroken if my adult kids didn't tell me and at least let mom know they support her whatever her decision and that they'll be there for the younger sister too. It might be the support she needs to know her youngest will be ok, so she can do what she already knows she needs to do..
I can promise you from first hand experience that I have witnessed that if you do not tell your mom that betrayal from you will hurt just as bad from her spouse. She will feel betrayed and it may make your relationship non existent to cordial at best. I understand it isn’t your relationship, but I would have told dad you have 48 hours to tell mom or I will from the get go. I despise cheaters and don’t care if it’s a parent or family member or not if they get mad at me for telling the truth I will wear that as a badge of honor. Also her dad has probably cheated on this current wife before as well, he is a serial cheater and those type of people never change unless they have gone through extensive therapy to fix their issues. Even then it’s highly unlikely.
👏👏👏
Daughter: “Dad, this is not okay!”
Dad: “Ahhh. Big Gulps Huh?! Welp, see you later!”
Pretty much
This is so complicated poor girl. There’s so many ways this could go.
I think he responded like that because he actually could not give less fucks about getting busted. I've seen this reaction before, it's bizarre
Yeah and he doesn't seem to be making an effort to hide it. These men are perfectly fine bringing home all kinds of diseases and they don't care even 1 bit
Both siblings know so support mom to go to counseling so mom can decide what to do. Don’t force mom to make an immediate decision
Soo 1 important part her people miss... your father and mother are 100% your business
@johndelony You have to be one of the most qualified professionals I have ever listened to.
My dad will tell me about his girlfriend s and mistresses. As a little girl. I always told my mom.
I really love your show John you truly try to help people and seem like a stand up guy ! Keep up the great work !
These grown children were the young girls going through this twice before. I admire their empathy for the younger sibling.
I enjoy listening to this as I clean or doing the dishes. Very good stuff! Thank you for making new content often :)
Having needed to do something like this, I did exactly what Dr. Delony has advised her to do. I don’t think there are better options, if this daughter has a strong healthy relationship with her mom.
Your last thought was really important! The youngest child needs to be vigorously supported and explained she did not cause the breakup of her parents’ breakup!
So her father cheated on her biological mother with a woman and that was years ago. He then got divorced and remarried and had 2 18 year Olds and a 6 year old with his second wife who he is now cheating on...
That's a pattern.
This was really good advice John. Well done!
Great advice Dr. John. Yep, she should tell mom. Cheaters seldom take responsibility for their own actions. Most often than not they would just do things to save themselves. Yikes! The jerk has done it many times before. Deal breaker.
I think he wants them to tell her🤔
What a cad
I would really want Dr Delony to share with us the reasons/psychology behind such behaviour which some men exhibit- looking for a new girl, a new affair from time to time
Lack of discipline with themselves
Sex Addiction? Usually, some rape vics
Not just men. And the psychological aspect and the reasons are very different with men and women.
Can be loneliness (either in the relationship or a default feeling from childhood) needing validation or boredom (something illicit is exciting) - all fundamentally selfish reasons with a lack of willingness to really sort out what’s causing the loneliness/ need for validation/ boredom.
Not saying it’s OK
Men are not keen on actually working on a long term relationship. When things get tough they would rather go get a new shiny version that is less hassle. He thinks that will solve the issues. Instead of working for a better marriage and looking at what their contribution to the difficulties may be they find someone they can pretend it's all sunshine and roses with. A good long term relationship takes hard work. Men also like to have their ego stroked. They often don't cope with life changes like becoming parents. Or a bereavement. Job loss etc etc. They will blame their wife. She wasn't there for them, making an effort looks wise or intimately. Pretty much anything when they are no longer the centre of attention. They don't understand that it's a temporary situation when you have a new baby. It seems to be a certain type of man who cheats. Often ones whose own mom never told them no or made them think the entire world revolves around them. You do get sex addicts or ones who like the excitement. Or simply ones who want their cake and eat it. A few who are cowards who don't want to rock the boat and be a grown up and say they want out so they'll sabotage their marriage and get caught.
Women are a whole different kind of cheater. They'll do it for an ego boost or to keep a spouse who is advantageous to them but who they no longer desire. Again sex addicts. Women may be lining up the next provider so they don't have a struggle in between. Or it may be to get back at the husband for cheating. There are a huge variety of reasons people cheat. None are valid. All are cowards.
I found a text on my dads phone when I was about 25. I didn’t tell my mom because I didn’t want to cause a drama. I knew that my mom wouldn’t leave my dad and I knew that my dad would convince my mom I had the wrong idea. My parents stayed together for another 8 years and he did in the end leave her for another woman. Did that make me regret my decision? No not really, for two reasons. 1) they were disagreeing on an epic scale about retirement and honestly I think that’s the reason he left and the other woman gave him an excuse and 2) I asked my mom after he left if he had done this before and she said yes he did it about 8 years ago and he did it when you were teenagers, so I was right, she did know and she chose not to leave him and she chose for us not to know. I know a lot of people will disagree with what I did but for me I knew my family dynamic and I knew telling her wouldn’t make any difference. I think it would be different for every family.
You aren't a good person. You typing all that just shows you're trying to justify your inaction to us and yourself.
I agree with you. It takes great level of discernment to be able to tell the very specific situations in which saying something is or isn't the right thing to do. And the way things turned out shows you were right.
I agree with your perspective and have made a similar decision before. When you know that two people are in an unhealthy relationship in which both parties are making toxic decisions that the other person knowingly tolerates, the best thing to do is keep yourself out of the drama. It would most likely only taint their relationship with you, meanwhile they’d maintain the same relationship with each other. It really only hurts you and can ostracize you from then on. This is especially the case with a parent-child dynamic. I would tell a friend about an affair only because I’m choosing to be close to that person, and if it turns sour because I spoke up, well friendships are temporary anyway. With parents, however, you don’t choose that relationship. They are in your life (probably for good) by no choice of your own and you’re stuck with them for 18 years, and as the child, you are not obligated to risk your position in their household by instigating in their romantic life. Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support for making such a tough but well-informed decision.
Honestly, your mother has no idea how many affairs this guy had or how long they lasted, and the epic retirement fight, was no doubt started by him to give him that 'excusable' out. Yes, she was an enabler, but you still should have told her.
The people commenting on this thread saying what you should have done have no place to do so until it's happened to them. It's so easy to look from the outside and point to someone in it from a self-righteous position but it's a different animal when you're the one being pointed to. It really does depend on every family and unique dynamics, but in your case keeping yourself out of it was the right thing to do and thats evident by how it played out on its own
She shouldn't be teaching her six year old sis to cover up for men's bad behavior.
she didn't ask the six year old to cover up for his behavior, she actually did the complete opposite.
she made the six year old think it was an innocent chat with a friend in order for the six year old not to have to give it a second thought.
How is it even potentially not your circus? It is your mom and dad. You trust them, they trust you. While it is between the couple, I think it is crucial that if someone within family knows then the rest should too.
Great advice!
My dad cheated on my mom and he'd bring m so she wouldn't suspect it but make me wait in the car, etc but I'd still see it. It really hurt me that he used me this way and I almost felt like he was unfaithful to me too. However I didn't tell my mom because she's an evil narcissistic demon who was also a cheater. I didn't feel safe being in the middle of their mess.
Wow. I'm so sorry that they put you in the middle like that.
Great advice
I would like to know. I have seen things with my spouse that was questionable, I have spent many years wondering. I love my children and would never hold honesty against them
My at the time 15years old son witnessed several times my husband - his dad, that he admired and loved so much - cheating on me. My son played in the hockey-team and his dad watched him, that was, what I thought - father and son time. But he spent the time with his mistress nearly in front of our son.
My husband left our home to stay with her and I dont want him back. But what I wanted back is my son - like he was before this took place, when he had good times and loughed a lot. He left the hockey-team and friends and spends all time alone playing hockey online.
Hi Mary Jane,
I feel your pain.
It’s heartbreaking what infidelity can do the kids - no matter what their age!
It changes them forever.
Can you possibly get your boy into therapy?
It couldn’t hurt and just might help.
💕💕💕
It's really sad, isn't it, to see your children go from respectful, and smiling and laughing, to the opposite way, of being sullen, depressed, angry at the world. I will never forgive my ex, for what he did to our boys. When I asked him if he cared for our boys so much, he would never have caused them to lose a whole side of their extended family, like aunts, uncles and cousins, just so he could go off and be niught and paid for by one of our friends with her big inheritance, or as he told me, his useful doormat, and started giving a lot of money to buy our boys silence. Haven't seen or talked to them in over 5 years
@@user-ex3mx7hk4l Thank you for your empathy.💜
My son has been to therapy and that couldnt solve the problems, but helped him a little bit to move on.
My would’ve been mother-in-law the sweetest woman in the world. Her own daughter helped with her dad to cheat on her mother. Her dad was cheating with her mother’s half sister. She would set up stuff so her mom wouldn’t know anything about it.
U dodged a bullet
I did not know for sure but suspected- but it was so upsetting to me that I tucked it away somewhere in the back of my mind where I did not even remember it until it all came out- then I immediately clearly remembered the situation that had caused my suspicion. I could not face talking about it or even remembering it after it happened. I wish I weren’t like this and could face the truth better. I have repressed upsetting things like this on a number of occasions.
People often go into denial when the truth is too much to bear.
Infidelity is the one thing that has the power to blow up the lives of everyone in the family.
It’s understandable because our ‘lizard brain’ tries to protect us.
It’s an involuntary survival mechanism.
My sister had trauma being abused as a child & she literally can’t remember a huge part of her youth. For example, I remember most of the houses we lived in (in great detail) but she draws a complete blank.
And she’s a really smart person and has no cognitive issues at all.
Our brains exist to protect us.
It’s not your fault.
💕
My father would purposefully dote upon and pamper his AP (he was in the process of divorcing Mom) in front of my brother and me. He figured we’d tell Mom and he wanted to hurt her. And we knew that. So we didn’t tell Mom for years. When we finally confessed, she sighed and said “I’m sorry you both had to go through that.”
It’s so sad your ‘Dad’ role modeled that disgusting behavior to his children.
WAY TO GO, Dad!!
👏👏👏
I think the best way to handle finding out a friend or loved one is being cheated on is to say, “Let me ask you something. Hypothetically, if you know someone is cheating, do you think it’s appropriate to tell their partner?” Then do whatever they say, even if the answer is “no, stay out of it.” Yes, it’s a rather telling question, but some people prefer to exist in a state of denial and asking in this way will allow them to maintain that denial if they wish. If you break that denial they will become angry with you. Honor their choice, even if it makes no sense.
I love the last pount he made. I caugh my mom cheating as a kid and blurted it out casually to my dad, because i didnt really "know" but i knew it wasnt right. When he left that day my mom threw me against the wall and i thought i broke them up but it was her fault, not mine.
How terrible. Sorry that happened to you.
You are right, it was NOT your fault.
Totally call mom!! 100% support mom and believe it or not… dad too. My son found an email message and brought it to me. At this point he’d already been aware of the affair and told son as well it was over. Basically, I was just home recovering from breast surgery awaiting news if I had cancer or not. The email said I’m sitting here in the waiting room and thinking about us and our future. My son at 16 was furious. I literally stood between them as son wanted to physically hurt him. We divorced shortly afterwards and it took years for them to find a path back to their relationship. I suspected, his coworkers knew. I totally wish that they’d have told me. They married, but eventually she divorced him too. Me… best years of my life! But trusting… hearts still in a cage!
try having your father tell you hes seeing someone else and hes going to tell your mother on vacation. that was my situation
You have to tell your mother or your father. No matter what.
I feel the six-year-old has irreparable damage from him! it’s so sad!
A very similar thing happened in my family, I invited my mom over for dinner, gently broke the news to her of what my step dad was doing and comforted her for the rest of the evening and to my knowledge they worked things out but we are all still very suspicious and staying on our toes about everything so just, to all the ladies who are going through similar situations , if you do stay with the guy, don't let him off easy, if you stay with him, keep an eye on him for as long as you feel like you have to because typically, if it happens once it'll happen again
I love that he asked what the end game was of the call to mom. Too many people love the " i hate cheaters, so im going schorched earth and i dont care how i announce it", when there are people and kids involved.
My father was a total cheater. I used to see him do weird things to a woman who came to family gatherings like nuzzling her neck when he talked in her ear & rubbing his hand across her ass when passing behind her. He also used to flirt with women constantly like at the grocery store and when he moved out for awhile he was dating this woman that came over when I visited. I told my mom all these things, she called me a liar.
Wow -
It sucks that your Mom felt like living in denial and calling her kid a liar was preferable to facing the truth.
I’m sure many other people witnessed it too, and didn’t have the courage to tell her.
You did the right thing, in spite of your parents bad behavior.
You are a good kid!
👏👏👏
💕
I’ve been there as a kid and adult. As a kid I told dad and he stuck around. As an adult I told dad and he left her and thanked me.
Yeah there's no question. I wouldn't have even mentioned it to my dad. I would have gone straight to my mom
In my opinion, the reason people don't say anything is usually one of three reasons... 1. Feeling they will then be the boxing bag when people get angry you said something and stepped on toes 2. The hope the one spouse will end the affair so what is the point in saying anything if it might get fixed 3. Secretly happy that the marriage is over and the affair happened but going to just not say anything because it will come out in time.
Regardless of which three reasons, the person not telling does NOT love the one not told.
@@sarahalderman3126 Agree 100%!!
dad's response to this is how I wish I could respond to every potential conflict lol "...ok, well, see ya!"
It’s terrible to me how they just keep laughing about this like it’s funny. I was cheated on and dumped after 23 years of marriage. It was horrible and devastated my sons too. You should immediately tell your mom. If my dad had cheated on my mom he would have never see me or his grandchildren again.
I have experienced that small kids get better over this than young adults many times .It depends how the adults in this relationship will handle it Im sorry fr this Bertha who feels she has to break the news If that father could just know the damage he does for generations to come
Yeah I am Berta fast forward 20 years, my own failing marriage, 4 more kids, and a ton of sorrow and confusion later…
If my husband told his coworker he loves them that crossed corporate’s line and my line as a wife.
100%!!!
👏👏👏
Why is this even a QUESTION???
Of course u tell her!
I have been in that situation and did say something. A friend of mine was also in it and she actually called the church, a radio station, the wife found out and told her to shut up and mind her own business.
I would tell in a heart beat- 1st I would give him a week to resolve and tell his wife, if he didn't then I would.
👏👏👏
If my adult children kept their dad's cheating from me, I will also be divorcing those children. Betrayal is my boundary.
My dad used to joke about replacing my mom with someone younger. It was a joke and he never did cheat but words have power. I looked him in the eye and told him that if he ever cheats then he will be dead to me and i will never forgive him and curse his name until we die. I am his favorite and speaking out of line is out of character. He never made that joke again. I was 14 or 15 then and 2 decades have passed and our family remains happy. More than anything, I am happy I stood up for my mom.
What an AWESOME daughter!!!
👏👏👏
I disagree with the top part of your comment. I respect your opinion on it but just see it differently. Children have no say in entering this world. They come here because of the choices we made as their parents. It's our responsibility to love them and protect them no matter what. I find it hard to think of many situations at all that would ever change my thought process on that.
For one thing, you have no idea how much it might be hurting the children to know one of their parents is cheating on the other. They really might just not know how to handle that situation honestly. For all we know it could be quite traumatizing to them. It's in no way fair to hold that against them no matter what choice they make.
If it happened to me I might would comment to my children that I really wish they would have told me but I would in no way accuse them of betraying me no matter how much they were in on it. They are my children, period.
Just remember, it's very easy to sit back and say how we would handle "X" situation if it ever happened to us. However, we truly don't know how would handle "X" situation until we are actually confronted with it. Typically, the more traumatizing the situation is the further we actually respond to it compared to how we thought we would respond to it.
If yr own children don’t have your back then something is wrong
@RobertG-um6tk that is true. But the key word is "adult". OP's child is old enough to know right from wrong. She is of age and has a moral responsibility to her mother. When my brother was around 10, a family friend flirted with my dad while they were in his ancestral home. My brother, though not having full comprehension of what was happening, told my mother that he was uncomfortable with the situation. Dont tell me a 10 year old knows more than a full grown adult? We are all accountable for our actions, and though I agree that I will never know until i experience such betrayal, i am self aware enough to know what my boundaries are. I know that such actions would be next to irreparable.
If you keep this a secret and she finds out. Ya mom will never trust you again. Then she has 3 close people who have hurt her
The truth shall set you free
AMEN
There is no “free” from this as it can never be erased. Your sins find you out and the hurt that is caused follows everyone involved. Shame and guilt is what you are left to carry.
Been there. Terrible spot but can't keep it a secret it eats at you. I'd rather it eat at me for telling than not.
It’s always easier said than done as an outsider. But if I caught my dad cheating on mom I think I’d have to tell her. Mostly because i think it’ll eventually come out in the future and the hurt that my mom would have knowing that I knew and didn’t tell her would amplify her pain immensely. I’d probably go to my dad first to tell her and if he didn’t then proceed. But again it’s easier to say what you’d do when it isn’t your situation
This is so similar to what happened to my mother's first husband, who is my sister's father.
I recall learning that my Brother in law was messing around against my Sister , I told my Sister, I think she confronted her husband and the guy told my husband that I had to mind my own business. After all of that we didn't talk for a long while. It was quite awhile back. You try to help and look how it can backfire.
You still did the right thing. I hope you and your sister have talked about this and things are better now between you.
@@verenamaharajah6082
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This game was just well executed by the pirates all around. Starting pitching was immaculate, the bats were hot. Bullpen did allow some hits sure? But they got the job done. And defense had some good plays too. That okay by Cruz looked so smooth. All in all this game was fire for the pirates 🔥