How to Stop Saying Sorry Too Much - Stop Over-Apologizing
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- čas přidán 17. 07. 2024
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Have you ever found yourself saying sorry for things that didn’t really deserve an apology in the first place?
I once had a friend ask me “do you always apologize after giving someone a gift?” It shook me a little because I had no idea I was doing that. But when I started watching myself I totally did. I grew up in a culture of over-apologizing and it wasn’t until my 30’s that I realized how harmful it can be.
Saying sorry too much undermines how others see you and how you see yourself, and that can really impact you both at home and in the workplace.
In this video you’ll learn why you say sorry too much, how this messes up relationships and how to stop over-apologizing.
00:00 Introduction to over-apologizing
00:57 Learn to improve your self-esteem with this course
01:29 What Is Over-Apologizing, and Is It a Problem?
03:03 Why do People Over-Apologize?
05:33 4 Steps to stop over-apologizing
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I’ve realized my sorrys are more of an apology for inconveniencing others with my mere existence.
Heavy, that's me, wanna fix it
Now do one on people that refuse to apologize please.
That would be the narcissist.
Narcissist
Harriet Lerner helped me see how non-apologizers “can’t/won’t” in this: czcams.com/video/5r6Y9uhmL6Y/video.htmlsi=AAq7dWrUknfPNcuI
The assertiveness book “When I Say No I Feel Guilty” is what helped me stop doing this.
My employer stated b/4 the entire staff that I was the most insincere person he knew. It really hurt my feelings. Turned out that saying "sorry" & saying "appreciate ya" so much led him to that thinking. I have come to recognize it as, in my life, so many others withholding saying those very same things to me when it would have been valid, is why I say it to others. Thank you so much for your counsels and advice; always helpful!
It helped me to stop apologizing having people around me who would ask every time "what are you apologizing for?" that and my therapy that taught me about boundaries and assigning appropriate responsibility for things. It also helped that after starting to refuse to take blame for things like the weather I started to look at why I was thinking I needed to.
I used to be so guilty of this. And then, someone turned it on me, and it really hurt, because asking them for the simplest things whould be met with hurt apologising.
I never understood how manipulative can it be, and how much pain can it cause to the other person.
I did my best to stop.
I am still overly socially submissive, but I don't apologise so much anymore.
I very much needed this. I over apologize ALL THE TIME. It’s a self-esteem thing.
Are you sure? As someone who lives in canada, I also apologise a lot but it is not a self esteem thing. It is embedded in our culture. 🤣
@@aliceDarts yes, I am sure. Lots of not so pretty family stuff. But I keep working on it!!
@@TheMrsWarhol Good luck! I am cheering for you!
@@aliceDarts you are awesome!! Thank you!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
As a Canadian I apologize to a door if I bump into it.😂
Canadian here, bump into a table and hard wired to say sorry. Sorry for pointing out sorry is a figure of speech, not always related to self esteem.😊
This topic hit the nail on the head for me ! My therapist JUST told me she wants me to try and stop apologizing for the next week to help me with my insecurities. Thank you so much! This was very helpful and came at the perfect time!
Can you please make a video on how to stop taking things personally?
All the time! I was raised to worry too much about what others think.
A lightbulb went off for me when you mentioned apologizing to avoid conflict. Also interest to understand why the other person may not like the apologizing. Thanks.
I do/did this. It's from childhood trauma; walking on eggshells because of a NPD Mom. My husband pointed it out and I stopped doing ti for the most part!
Here in Canada 🇨🇦, it’s in our DNA to say sorry for basically everything! 😂
Absolutely! Canadian here too 🇨🇦😁
Canadian here too and I'm always in awe of how much more comfortable Americans are at being direct. If someone at home is direct, we usually interpret them as being rude! 🙈 (direct does not equal rude lol, I feel like we as a culture should reassess that interpretation 😂)
I can tell! I learned how to be polite with Canadian people.
Sorry but, Canadians can't stop saying it. We could slow down a bit, but usually to make extra room for you if you're trying to change lanes on the highway.
We SO do!!!😊😊😊 Sorry! (Lol)
I usually apologise, and say sorry for saying sorry!
Recovering people pleasers from all over thank you!
I had this exact issue come up in my relationship & I was like stop apologizing when I noticed it & my husband was like this is getting annoying please stop. That's when I looked at myself more closely & realized why I was doing that & it's been better ever since
"Reassurance seeking"! OMG, I do this! Thank you!
Thank you for this video. I have a bad case of over apologizing.
I think it would be useful to have a video on when we actually should apologise. So how to determine whether it is our internal (unhealthy) need for apologising at play or when it is actually coming from the situation and the other person would benefit from us apologising.
I feel like this is in the same category as being unable to take a compliment. I've been doing ERP (exposure & response prevention) exercises for OCD, and one thing I've been trying to do is simply thanking someone when they compliment me, even if I'm _dying_ to tell them that I could have done better. Sometimes it's extremely hard to do, but I've noticed that it's gotten much easier.
I grew up with an apology culture as well. One of my family members apologised to a friend for something meaningless they did 20 years previous. It’s manipulative in the end. I found that the people I had an apology for were too busy with life to be concerned anyways about my personal evolution. So I asked myself “is it time to stop making a goal of being liked by everyone for no reason?” Yea.
There's another aspect to people pleasing that isn't about low self esteem, it's more about not feeling safe because of low esteem for others. Our experiences may have taught us that others are critical and need to be appeased. We lack trust and are judging others by our past experiences (maybe of them, or even of other people altogether). I would not have chosen the "I'm bad" response in any of the examples given, yet I still over apologize. That being said a genuine apology does have power to diffuse difficult moments, even when I don't agree with the other person's pov, I still feel sorry that I have upset them, so I can genuinely say "I'm sorry, please forgive me", and it often helps to calm their upset feelings.
Thank you Emma. Years ago John Wayne (in _She Wore a Yellow Ribbon_ ) said "Never apologize, it's a sign of weakness". In NCIS the TV drama, Jethro Gibbs used to say it too. Now you are saying it...and I'm listening. I try to stop my old over- apologizing habit, but still from time to time catch myself doing it.
I just discussed this with my husband, yesterday. I apologise and he says, 'don't be sorry". He said there had been a few times he can see I've almost said, 'ok, I'm sorry for being sorry.'
I said, 'yeah, glad I stopped myself cos you would say again to not be sorry then I'd say, ok, I'm sorry that I was sorry for being sorry.
He said, 'ooh, then you'd be in a sorry cycle.' We laughed.
Thankyou for the tips. They are so helpful.
I used to say that I was sorry for everything all the time because that was how I grew up, but I worked very hard to undo that habit. I've noticed one of my sisters still does it a lot. It's annoying because it reminds me of how awful it made me feel to do it. My other sister and I have tried to encourage her not to apologize so much, but we just can't seem to get through to her, and her self-esteem is clearly at a low. I just don't want her to feel so badly all the time. 😔
This was me for most of my life, but I have gradually been breaking away from it over the years. I really appreciated all of your examples on what we can say instead!
Love your videos!
This is exactly what I needed and you came in clutch! Thanks so much for that! I do feel that sometimes, over-apologizing can come from a place of insecurity in relationships, and when people notice your behavior, they can see your insecurity through your over-apologizing. Could you also address the issue of insecurity in the next few videos?
Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into creating these videos and making such information accessible to everyone. Listening to such content and quiet contemplation could be a vital stepping stone to actually getting therapy.
I don't say sorry as much as used to anymore...but I still do in some instances and I blurt it out before my brain can stop me. I also recognize it in other family members, which saddens me immensely. Mental health and therapy are still aspects that people don't take seriously.
Just wanted to say a massive thanks to you!! U helped me so much. Discovered ur channel few days ago, I started to suffer from really bad anxiety for the first time in my life. Watched many of ur videos and ur tips, and finally I'm starting to feel better. So grateful for ur help, wish u all the best 🙏 💝💝
I didn’t even realize that I had a problem with this until I started watching it. I was watching it for my son in law and realized that is me too. Very helpful. Thank you. I’ve been helped by a few of your videos now. I usually watch them and share them with my therapist so we have something that we can talk about and work on. Thanks again
I have a friend who over apologises. When she is encouraged not to apologise so much she thinks people are trying to make her have bad manners and doubles down and apologises more. I don't know if it's just a cultural difference, but she doesn't realise what she actually does is places a burden on other people to forgive something they're not even bothered about.
Long time viewer , first time commenting. I just wanted to express my huge thanks for all of the insights and practices you so effectively put into the world. This is such meaningful work and long May it continue! 👍🏻
The practice session is really helpful! I appreciate that you shared this valuable information😘
Thank you. I was unaware that I did this so much. This was super helpful.
This has seriously come up in my marriage- “I’m sorry for saying sorry too much…” Thanks for the tips!!
I am new to your channel so I'm not sure if you've already done this, but I would love to see a video about how to establish healthy boundaries, especially if while growing up you couldn't and so have no idea how to do that. ❤️
This is really valuable information. I see this in myself and will learn to be more assertive.
I am so guilty of doing this! I’m sorry! Seriously, I do apologize all the time & my son picked it up from me & does it as well. So grateful for this video & the tips it gives for alternate responses. I plan to put them in use in the future. Thanks!
I would like to hear you talk on getting rid of bitterness.
Thank you so much for your videos. Every one I have watched explains things so clearly and in a relatable way. They are so helpful so once again, a huge thank you! 😊 xx
I so appreciate your examples of how to use new thinking and behaviors!! ❤
Great video and use of illustration. Love the Barbara exemple!
This is extremely helpful. Thanks for sharing 😊
Excellent! Exactly what I needed!
Thanks😊 I might rewatch this a few times.
I learned so much about myself!
I have the habit of over-apologizing.
It is to protect myself. I look forward to understanding myself more.
This video helped. Thank you, Emma!
Thanks! Im sending this to every Canadian I know.
Real relationship and not one sided sacrifice 👏
Thank you for all these amazing tips in every video🙏 Love this channel!
thank you so much you are such an amazing therapist.
Here in canada, we say sorry all of the time. It is not a self esteem thing, it is because we either feel bad for what happened to someone, or we want to stop the argument.
I agree with you 120%
... Here is another Canadian ...
.
Thanks so much for this video.
Thank you for your videos, they are unbelievably helpful and easy to digest with clear actionable steps. I was wondering if you have any videos already or could make one about managing anger/frustration in a productive and appropriate way? Thank you!
Thank you you're channel is a big help
Great video! The example of different ways to respond to situations was really helpful.
Thank you for the great video! My problem is that I thank a lot because of my anxiety, and my colleagues don't like it. I am baffled that I barely thank people or apologize, even in situations where I should have done so. I'm so bossy even with my boss because he asked me not to be so polite and started judging me harshly, so I asked him things like I'm his boss! I don't know ow to handle situations in my social life!
Wow. I felt like you were talking only to me! I need to rewatch & take notes!
I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS! SO HELPFUL!
I'm getting better at this. Another one I'm working on is using the word, just. I feel it has a very similar affect, by down playing what your offering to a conversation. Example, I wanted to share my thoughts with you. vs I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Its very subtle, but it makes a difference when you do it often. I'd love to hear your perspective. 💙 Thank You, for your amazing content.
Thank you Emma! 🙏 I learned from you again. 🥰
Thanks a lot for your videos who are so on point every time🙏 I'd be very interested in hearing about ways to manage one's schedule when taking care (alone) of a disabled/elderly relative or maybe a small child. How can we actually have enough energy for them and ourselves every day?
Ohhh, I really needed this 😅🙃 I was just fuming about how everyone else should apologize more! 🤣
I am on a journey right now to better myself and this helps 😙
Thank you so much 🙏🏼
I like the video before watching it, you are bringing so much good to this world! Thank you from Algeria 🇩🇿
Thank you for this video, and for the work you're doing here. It helps a lot.
How do you stop knee-jerk, feeling-brain, reactions to external triggers? This has caused trouble for me with work and personal relationships. I know that awareness and practice is part of it, but my mouth quite often reacts faster than my thinking brain. I'd love to hear whatever wisdom you have to offer on the subject.
Woooow you read me like a book. Thank you.
Great stuff.
Thanks!
Thank you so much for these videos.. ❤ can't thank you enough! More power to you ❤
It definitely comes from the need to people please, the need for harmony among everyone in your circle. Someone told me I said "sorry" too much and at that point I became an introvert and crawled into my shell. Not that I couldn't take criticism but I just thought I might as well just take myself out of the equation.
I'm binging all your videos. Thank you so much. Do you have anything on low self esteem and ruminating on the past?
Could you do a video on how to tell if someone is trustworthy? I find that I flip flip between being overly credulous and naïve, and inappropriately guarded and suspicious. This is especially pronounced in romantic relationships, but sometimes shows up with family or strangers.
Thanks so much
Amazing content.
Just to add, I was raised Catholic and entered adulthood with a lot of guilt and shame. I would say sorry for anything. Have changed a lot but still revert back a bit when I feel vulnerable I've noticed. It is definitely much healthier to be assertive of your needs.
❤wow this is excellent
Hi! Thank you for your videos! I was wondering if you could talk one day about derealization/depersonalization. It's a real struggle to live with it chronically and there is so little information as how to get out of it for good. I'm 21 and it's been 9 years for me.
Thank You !
I was taught to be VERY POLITE and to TONE down problems.
Say thank you
Can you please do another video on self-regulation and techniques of tapping. I know you did one on tapping before but I didn’t know if there was any updated forms of tapping that could help when I’m really stressed out. Thank you.
You are awesome!! I love all your videos. Super helpful. Do you take any patients?
can you provide more examples and/or a video on assertiveness please?
Can you make a video on how best to address the real issue of panic attacks (especially those that happen after being assaulted by a doctor) to doubting/dismissing/trivializing physicians? Please! I'd love to know the language needed to use as a female that isn't 25 years old.
My mother would apologize so much that I thought everything bad was her fault.
Ha ha, Barbara here... Thank you for this video.
Ok sorry for that
I would love if you spoke about ways to help emotions during menstrual cycle.
sorry to say sorry!
My husband does this. Then he'll apologize for apologizing. It drives me crazy. I'll have to show him this video.
I apologize so I won't make anyone upset at me (my dad's anger would get set off by any little thing as a kid, had to walk on eggshells) but I'm working on myself
I often will say, "I'm sorry you are not feeling well" or "I'm sorry you are dealing with this" and my sister said, "Why are you apologizing, you didn't do anything". I was kind of stopped in my mind. So after that incident, I have been thinking about this and catching myself. I still am looking for ways to be empathetic when people around me tell me about situations like a death, a divorce, illness or bad situation they are going through. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
"That sounds ______."
"That sounds painful, that sounds frustrating, that sounds difficult, etc."
It sounds simple, but it seems to really help people feel seen.
In Japan, we say sorry in almost every occasion. How do we deal with if it is cultura/society based behaviour?
yes
I would love to learn more about your counselling style / modality if possible. I live in the UK. What type of counsellor are you pls? Asking because I really like and resonate with your approach to helping others. Thanks x
I just like this human being 💘💘💘💘
Also I'd love any advice on regulating emotions to be a calmer focused parent.
Unfortunately there’s a fee for the program you suggested…. It’s not in the budget right now but I’m definitely interested!