I Am Too Ugly for a Girlfriend
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- čas přidán 12. 06. 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Reddit Post
02:12 - Acknowledgement of self
05:32 - Overview & Mindset
09:05 - Getting overwhelmed with solutions
13:09 - Dr. K's Anecdote
14:55 - Allowing yourself to be your best self
15:28 - Confidence
18:27 - Creating an unsolvable problem
24:16 - Motivaton
25:19 - "You may be right"
26:52 - Work on what you CAN work on
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“I am too ugly for a girlfriend” - *recommended to you*
same
nothing personal x3
As if I wasn't suicidal enough as it was. Google wants to kill me
algorithm getting too personal
you are the things you watch or read on the internet...
"show me your yt/tiktok recommendations and i will tell you who you are"
Big ups to Dr K for not doing the whole "everyone is beautiful/handsome" and "beauty is subjective" thing that most people do when someone is honest with their feelings about their appearance. Beyond body dysmorphia, there just are certain things which the vast majority of people wouldn't be "subjectively" attracted to which can't be fixed through lifestyle changes, like facial deformities. Telling people they should love these things that they hate about themselves will only make them feel worse. And for a lot of people, the way they get treated by strangers (and even friends/family) in real life due to their appearance is what reinforces their pain, not independent self-loathing.
everytime there's a dr k video, i always think before he offers advice "if i was dr k, what would i say?" and dr k always pulls some nuggets of gold out of his ass i stg, mans got the largest cerebum
Proof that therapy is gazillion times better than friends opinion
Spot on
Validating someone's feelings about something is important in trying to make them listen and change their mindset. It's something he's talked about before.
@@Majoraspersona one of the first things I learned working in the mental health sector too. I wish it was more promoted outside of professional MH spaces as well.
The guy that wrote "Nah they won't be able to lift the casket cause I'm getting SWOLE" in chat made me laugh harder than I expected.
This is the way 😂
21:21
That joke is as old as time
"5 years from now I might suicide, but people will be able to lift the casket, because I wont be morbidly obese". That is so metal. I love it.
With astronomia music in the background... 🎵 🎶 🎶..
Cannibal Corpse lyrics
It's not really "self deletion" when society literally gives you no choice. its murd3r
🤟
@@dragorn3212 wat
"Im still going to die alone but people at least would be able to lift the casket" You gotme good, Dr K. GG well played.
Why would I care if people can lift the casket? I'll be dead🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@BillClinton228 I’d rather die knowing people cared for me then living a lonely and hated life
@@spookypoo8813 They're gonna die too some day and nobody will remember them anyway because most people are just cogs in the machine (not to mention our Sun will turn into a red giant and completely annihilate this shit-eating planet and with it every trace of humanity).
I hope you can take solace in that, mi amico. ✊
@@BillClinton228 LOL! Ikr? Like, what do I give a crap what happens to my corpse after I'm dead? Throw it to the garbage for all I care.
Holy f*ck I read this comment at the start of the video and it was still f\*cking hilarious when he said it lmao
the fucked up paradox of dating is that girls aren't interested and are quite intimidated at the thought of dating a man who's source of suffering in his life comes from not having a gf (or so he thinks it does). that's just a lot of pressure. you're lonely and you can't find a gf, and that makes you unlikely to get a gf. it's only when you're fine by yourself do you attract people.
so you are saying that all the people who are in relationships are all fine by themselves, that they have it all figured out. You live in Cuckoo Land mate.
@@nikolas8203 nah lol that's obviously not true. I should've said "good relationship" instead of just relationship. lots of miserable people end up together and make each other more miserable. but the good shit, the shit that makes two people better than the sum of their parts is locked behind being mostly okay w yourself.
Well said.
Most well-adjusted people don't want to be the hinge on which another adult's entire sense of self worth hangs
Vicious cycle... the more you want it the harder it is to get it
"Be happy without a relationship" -A married man
he fucking knows.
"Money doesn't buy happiness" - A man in a Ferrari.
Lmao this guy is so full of shit.
Bro...just like...be happy
Yeah, he's a gaslighter.
"Get used to the idea of being alone."
I hear that and can't help but remember that there's a reason solitary confinement is considered torture.
I think he only meant that for romantic relationships
you have to get used to the idea of being alone ROMANTICALLY. people forget the importance of a platonic support system
@@sungachunga4761 I always hear this and as someone who has a platonic support system, I don’t think it’s as comforting to men looking for romantic partners as you seem to think it is.
@@sungachunga4761 nobody wants that. Stop deluding yourself and others
@@purplesuitman3764 it's not supposed to be comforting, it's advice. you don't have to take it, but people dedicating so much hope and energy into something hypothetical like that is terrible for your mental health
I really love how Dr. K is so non-judgemental and also very well-spoken in the way he approaches these people and their issues, it helps so much, makes me wanna be the best version of myself
Ikr I wish I had him as a teacher or a life coach
I think he is pretty judgemental, but he has a good control of how his judgement doesnt interfere with his action and reaction.
Then in contrast, you have the chat being there like **abandon all hope**
@@samuelmelendez7566 well, that's what we're doing with him here. And when I when Rugrats first came out when I was a kid in the 90s. This didn't used to exist being able to be with someone who you wouldn't even know could help you out out like this,lol
Well no crap lmao he has to be in order to be successful in his profession.
This video is gold for every procrastinator, not only ugly ones
Indeed!
me
This video hit me in a very surprising way since I didn't consider myself the audience when clicking it, the AOE Healing can be pretty OP
Also great advice for people like me that despair of setting too difficult goals for themselves.
Same!
And I'm also an INTJ
ngl, I've always hated when people say "there's more to life than relationships" or anything similar. I'm not saying there isn't, but let's not pretend love, sex and relationships are not one of the best things you can exprience. If that weren't true, then 99% of all songs wouldn't be about it, it wouldn't be a major part of the plot of every movie or a book no matter the genre and it wouldn't be what everyone around me keeps talking about in some way. I am absolutely missing out on something great (I bet at least) and it's just hard to look past it, no matter how much I try.
I've had a relationship, and there's absolutely things that rival the feeling. the pure bliss of chinese salt and chilli chicken. iced tea on a hot day. mosh pits. going for a long as hell walk then sitting down to admire the view you came all the way out here to see. watching a truly good show.
Literally, how the fuck does a licensed therapist not know what Mazlow’s Hierarchy is??
It's literally the one purpose of life, like on a purely biological level: Procreation, and ensuring that your offspring survive. All of the chemistry and hormones and neurotransmitters or whatever in the brain are evolutionarily designed for that purpose
I think what he's trying to convey here is that in such a situation where you've got 1000 things to do before you feel like you can have a chance, the harder you grasp at that goal at the end of the 1000 things, the more it's going to seem impossible and you're going to end up doing nothing.
But if you can reframe your goals and learn to let go of that theoretical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you can actually make more progress towards it than you would otherwise.
So instead of saying to yourself "what does it matter if I go to the gym because im still not gonna get a girl?" you go to the gym for the sake of feeling better on a day to day basis, or general health, or your own body image. And in 6 months you look better, you feel better, you have some discipline and something that gets you out of the house on a regular basis. And those are all steps towards that goal.
I also don't like that most of the time the people who say that are people who are in relationships and have never been without one. It's one thing when a fellow person unable to get a relationship tells me that or hell even a monk tells me that, it's another when someone who hasn't experienced never having one tells me that.
It kinda reminds me of those memes where you're looking for a first job and they require 10+ years of experience. That basically applies to dating.
And the worst part is that often venting and being frustrated about it gives you hate.
Explains how guys get rapped up in red pill
I don't think you need experience for dating, just basic common sense and not being a weirdo, having social awareness, it's not that deep
@@waddledottz It only seems not that deep because its sort of been the norm for most people since a relatively early age. Most people have their first relationships when they're teenagers, and everyone knows those are awkward and messy. If you don't know how to interact with the opposite sex, if you don't know how to date, if you don't know how to be in a relationship, things can be extremely difficult. There are a lot of things that are expected of someone in a relationship that are taken for granted by people who have plenty of experience with them. Things that are utterly foreign and incomprehensible to people who haven't. You fumbling your way through the dating stage and then the relationship itself (if you get that far) like some sort of a teenager isn't endearing, its weird.
@@waddledottz I am going to assume you have at least some experience with dating a romance. I disagree 100% with your take and I think it is/comes from a "fish missing the water around them" situation. Jumping into dating and romance in your early 20s let alone late 20s or even 30s with effectively no romantic experience is more akin to being thrown onto a black diamond skiing trail without ever having learned how to even put your skis in the first place. Furthermore there isnt even the option to start from square one, or in the skiing analogy go back to the beginners slope. When one hasn't naturally/organically learned the courting skills and behaviors that are effectively second nature to your peers, potential partners, and romantic competition it places. Even in the case of therapy or some similar program that teaches the basics (assuming it is even effective) one is still behind on years of practical real world experience in what amounts to a market with ever diminishing options.
@@mycoolhandgiveit Yeah, I had some horrible experienced in dating, but my first boyfriend is now my husband, I would've never found him if I were just being all sad "bohoo dating is hard I'm so sad I'll die alone" No, of course not, I had to get out and try, not just being stupid.
One of the biggest problems in our culture is the fixation on sexual experience as a determination of self-worth. Four years ago, I was in a similar position as OP, but as a depressed 22 y/o who judged himself based on having no work experience. My first two jobs treated me like garbage. Like sex, work was overhyped -- and I overhyped it even more in my mind and ignored obvious red flags during interviews. Seeing how others treated me made me realize I was treating myself just as badly. Those experiences were truly awful, but they made me grow a spine and value myself.
sexual experience is not determine your self-worth but it's still one of the biggest parts of life and it's important to be happy. At least if you're not an asexual. So, me as one who never got much sex and I'm 33 now - I'm disagreed with modern devaluing of sex - seems like people now just cold to sex. And therefore, people like me who LOVE sex painted as "perverts" which is quite unfair.
I mean, you CAN be happy even without sex, without love, without going outside, without anything. It all doesn't determine your worth and self-worth. But at the same time, it does't mean that love, sex and everything else is small, invaluable and "overrated". Not, good sex is STILL underrated, love is VASTLY underrated and so on.
No wonder why people being upset of not having this.
Moreover, devaluing those things isn't helping them at all, they just stopping to wanting this cuz it's "too hard" and just don't know what they're losing.
@@extropiantranshuman what if you don't base ALL your life on this but it's important part which you desperately want to have in your life?
"Just stop being upset of being alone and wanting sex, pervert" :)
Me for example is OK and quite happy with my life but it doesn't make me not alone and wanting sex and love.
And if I could stop wanting this - why TF am I should even search a gf and sex? What the worth in love and sex if I don't need them?
Is it self-delusion or just what?
@@extropiantranshuman oh no, here we ended up in conspiracy theories
@@extropiantranshuman of course it all worth only to a person and not to all and there's even no need in bringing on some marxist outdated thing lol.
I mean if me personally want to love and be loved, want sex and stuff - yes, it doesn't determine my worth but it's important for me to full experience. And I will literally fight for that
@@extropiantranshuman I thought it's self-evident that it's all personal, not judgemental)
I'm 36 and a virgin. I'm not ugly; I'm perfectly decent looking. I gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship about 10 years ago. I grieved that ideal and moved on. Nobody has ever judged me for being a virgin. Nobody is obligated to pursue a relationship.
why did u give up on the idea of ever having a relationship?
Do you also follow Stardusk, Colttaine etc..? 😏
@@merisskenderovic1030 It was obvious that I'd never have one.
@@movement2contact No, but I googled them and suspect that they might be trash
@@joshparker5779 Oh no... 🙄
This is so heartbreaking, and I can sort of relate to the OP. I'm also ugly and sexually undesirable, I'm also getting old (turning 40), never been married and am all but invisible to the opposite sex. I'd love to fix things but its too late for that now. I have no money and no one will hiring despite having a good resumé and work history. Going to be homeless again and frankly when that ultimately happens I'm putting a rope around my neck. 40 years of rejection, isolation, and lack of any love or positivity has completely broken me inside. Not looking for pity or sympathy just wanted to share a part of my story so people can say I did exist and won't be forgotten completely.
Damn man really at 40? Have you dated before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to get my first kiss. Since 13th July 2023, I started going for some classes to prepare for exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college last week and wanna study MBA next. There in the classes, I got a massive crush on this girl who is also 22 or maybe 23 now. We did handshake on our first class and introduced ourselves and she sometimes tries to initiate convos with me asking whether I had lunch or not and some more she does say me hi but I just answer what she asks or say hi back but I am still shy to initiate further talks with her. I am still kinda shy near girls in person so I don't really feel the confidence to initiate any conversation with her unless she initiates one with me. But yesterday she actually said I am cute as I keep smiling(like a shy smile) almost all the time in class and I blushed hard after she said I am cute and my friends too teased me about it hehe.
I also had been chatting with this another girl who is 19 on Instagram since 28th May 2023 and also asked out my childhood friend 3 months ago and she is 21 now turning 22 soon. My childhood friend did agree to meet up but she is so inactive on Instagram that I still don't know when we will meet as she takes weeks or even a month to reply to me whereas I chat with the 19 year old daily about everything and send each other virtual hugs daily. We used to be in the same school but now she is in a different college which is very near to my home tho. I wanna ask her out too but I am nervous as I get rejected by 4 girls recently and it looks like she still sees me as just a friend.
wdym ur getting too old tho? u can still meet, date and marry women who are in the same age group as u, they wont reject u
@@Evanpetersno1fan never said I'm too old, just that it's too late. I'm past my breaking point, all hope inside me has been crushed and ground to dust. I don't plan on being here much longer....
@@manosijroy8282 I have dated, had 4 serious relationships in the past and was engaged once. None of worked out and life hasn't been kind to me. Everything just keeps going from bad to worse, to the point I honestly think I might be cursed. Honestly my dude if I were you I'd shoot my shot with the girl in your class and forget the 19 year old. Worse thing she can do is say no, and you move on. Don't let the fear of rejection stop you or hold you back. Yeah it sucks getting rejected been there myself plenty of times, but the way I see it, its just the universes way of filtering out what isn't meant for you. And what is meant for you will always find it's way to you precisely when it means to. You miss every shot you don't take, and nothing good is ever gained without a little risk involved. You got this king. 👑💪
@@GrekeFenris I can't see who you replied to, but don't mean that last sentence. Is that you in the profile picture? If it is, you are far from ugly - in fact, you're very handsome. I'm a bit young to be pretending to give you advise, but I thought I'd put something down anyway. Don't give up. Turn to the Lord; He will comfort you. My great-grandfather was in his 40s when he got married, and had four children. That was back then! And he was not a very good-looking man, truthfully - but then again, neither was his wife... lol
Grace and peace to you
I'm Brazilian myself and very much glad I understand English, because listening to this man has helped me more than some therapists I've had here in where I live.
Real mano. O Doctor K tem mudado a minha vida e isso só foi possivel por causa de ter como segunda lingua o Inglês. Existe muito conteudo que não encontramos no Brasil até pelos especialistas dentro das áreas.
gangue dos brasileiros
Primeiro que se foda o Brasil e a cultura brasileira. Agora falando razoavelmente, eu não entendo porque o conteúdo em português é tão diferente do conteúdo sobre psicologia e psiquiatria em inglês. Alguém tem alguma teoria sobre isso?
I'm 36 and in a happy relationship, but man... I REALLY wish I had someone like Dr K in my life when I was younger. Every time I watch one of his videos, I'm blown away by how well he explains lessons that I learned the hard way.
Very much the same
You just should have not play eve lol
Yeah big difference between knowledge your learn from book/videos and knowledge your learn from life
born just in time to experience dr k
I am loathe to talk about my age here, because I'm pretty sure I'll get ridiculed... let's just say I'm getting to the point where I want to punch Steve Carrell in the face for making my life a Joke. Men get judged by their worth to women. And some of us are pretty fucking worthless by that metric.
"There's more to life than relationships." I agree logically with this, but as someone who hasn't been able to make meaningful connections with anyone (even platonically), I instinctually want to disagree bc I can't really see what value or fulfillment I could derive from my life if I continue to live in isolation. I know if I found things I was passionate about that this would bring me some amount of good feelings, but I think the absolute impact of these good feelings on my life would be extremely limited and minimized if I didn't have other people who I was genuinely close with (not even romantically, just platonically even)
Not even platonically? How I mean at work it's inevitable.
@@porkerpete7722 There's a difference between long-term acquaintanceships and actual meaningful fulfilling friendships though. I've had plenty of acquaintanceships, but nothing beyond really surface-level stuff, ya know?
@@jodiejodiejodie why agree logically? touch starvation slowly destroys people physically and mentally. there may be some outliers who can thrive in isolation, but they're probably as plentiful as people who suffer no adverse effects from only getting ~5 hours of sleep
@@porkerpete7722 idk maybe if you're neurotypical
Can relate. Sure, there might be some value in isolation, but I hate it and it makes me want to quit life.
i felt unattractive sometimes, but i also indulge in very time consuming hobbies like drawing, gaming, and model kits. so i rarely actually think about relationships
suffer
A lot of people find being skilled attractive. Like anytime a girl says "Yeah I draw/used to draw" I'm immediately more engaged with whatever she has to say, even if it has nothing to do with art, because I think art is neat. Even more broadly, if they're really into something that I don't know much about, I want them to go off about it.
@@NightWing1800 A lot of people are attracted to bones
those are just distractions. the older you get the more these distractions dont distract you anymore and you have to face your loneliness. Suffering begins there my friend.
@Keckegenkai Yeah but no. It may be true for you and a lot more people but it wont be true for everyone. Some people take their "distractions" to a whole other level, they can be really passionate about them. When you have real hobbies and activities that make you happy you wont ever suffer. Learn to be happy alone, so that you wont need anyone for it. Thats what i like to believe anyway.
I mean this with full sincerity: You are exactly what young, introverted people need right now. You are doing such good work.
Bunch of useless nonsense to pad view time... He could started with "you might be right", and cut the rest of crap.
@@VadimBolshakovplenty of useful information in this
@@VadimBolshakovi personally gain a lot of knowledge from his videos, and confidence. One of the things that has partly stopped my suicidal thoughts
it's really no surprise socialization is easier once you get married. it would relieve a massive weight on the psyche because at that point you've already conquered that major goal and know you have someone waiting for you at home, so you can approach social situations from an entirely different angle. it's just like when financial burdens are no more that you feel lighter because you know things are paid for.
Socialisation? What do you mean by that in this context? Easier to make friends?
@@muzzyb2012 Talking to people like friendly small talk and stuff. The daily random encounters. Hello. How are you? Nice scrubs!
this is true beyond a sexual relationship. Just talking to people to even begin a relationship, platonic or not, is nearly impossible when you dont already have someone available to talk to first.
Being unattractive has kinda ruined my life. I avoid socializing because I literally don't want people to see my face, it's not even about finding a relationship for me at this point. I just wish I didn't feel like some kind of hideous monster.
I think you should think about therapy. When you start to avoid things because of discomfort (especially hugely important things like socializing) your life can spiral out of control fast.
@@Teilnehmer do you even know how people treat people who have UGLY FACES? WE ARE MOCKED, rejected, humiliated, met with faces of DiSGUST.
This isn’t something therapy can fix.. you can’t THINK YOUR WAY into making people accept you. If you’re ugly you’ll be sociallly rejected that’s how life is. And to COPE with the pain and prevent further rejection from happening we isolate that’s our only means to stay mentally healthy.
@@kobejva Well have you tried every solution that is out there? And I mean EVERY solution for atleast 5 months to a year?
@@kobejva I absolutely believe that this is a horrible feeling. However there are therapeutic ways to deal with these heavy emotions and pain. ACT therapy comes to mind. ACT therapy is actually not about "thinking your way out of things" like traditional CBT therapies. It stresses building the ability to feel pain and build psychological flexibility. ACT therapy is specifically helpful for things like experiential avoidance. I think trauma therapy might also be in order. The continued exposure to this phenomenon of being judged so negatively will very likely modify the brain's fear circuits in a very negative way. I know there are a lot of people who associate trauma just with some singular horrible event but the continued, year long exposure to negative social experience is very traumatic in itself and also harder to treat in a lot of cases.
I wasn't trying to say "you can just outthink it" - in fact the opposite. A lot of the problems people talk about here are not on the level of actual psychiatric or therapeutic concern but this sort of experiential avoidance will very quickly become very serious if not treated.
@@Teilnehmer bullshit. Socialising are for normies with above 5 looks. Many men meet neither of those criteria
"I'm ugly and I'm proud" is the motto. I'm 24 and have never been in a relationship. Trust me I tried everything and failed. It's just life. It's not like people don't like me because they do the love to talk and hang around me but when it comes to relationship stuff it's like a 360 flip and it's like leaving a dog out in the cold with no light and no heat.
I am a guy who turned 22 almost 9 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend and its bothering me so much. I use dating apps but hardly any matches. I got matched with 2 girls 2 weeks ago. One is 18 and another one is 20 turning 21 in April but no plan of first date or anything. I had crush on 2 girls in my college few months ago but both rejected me.
I do follow and chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in my school days and they are all 19-22 age range and I started chatting with this girl for 4 days who was my junior in my school days. Now she is 20 about to be 21 after 4 months and we only sent virtual hugs to each other today but she only sees me as a friend so idk whether I have chance with her or not
@@manosijroy8282 learn about blackpill, then you will know whether you will get a girlfriend or not.
I dont know, if someone is ugly, why are they sad they wouldn't find anyone? I mean there are a lot of ugly people in the opposite sex too, who wouldn't mind dating someone ugly.
Humans date other humans on their league.
I got confused by the "it's like a 360 flip" part.
My skater brain was thinking: "Aahh, so you jump, scoop with the back foot, do a slight flick with the front foot and try it again and again until you land it."
what i dont understand about society in the past say 10 or 20 years is that i feel like im being forced to not care about the things i want in life..if i want friends.. "YOURE BEING NEEDY" or if i want a girlfriend "DONT BE DESPERATE JUST WORK ON YOURSELF AND THE RIGHT ONE WILL COME" what happened to uplifting each other? what happened to motivating one another? i feel like ive always been a deep lover/romantic whatever you want to call it and as i get older and as I've been sold the lie of "working on myself, girls will come to you" that i love less and less..because i feel forced by society to not care about wanting friends or a girlfriend and this scares me because when i do get a girlfriend what if i just dont care enough to show interest/ be committed to the relationship because I've been "working on myself" for too long? then she might think im just not into her...
I think this is a large reason why im 25 and never had a gf and why so many men will relate....everyone is great at giving solutions but sometimes we want sympathy for how hard life is...unfortunately we have to play with the cards we're dealt and the harsh reality is that some people are dealt better cards than others. Also it's easy for dr k to say to be happy on your own if he's already married. he says he got married right away in residency so he doesn't have to go through the anxiety of being scared to make friends that are women because they know he wont try anything on them...i am a good person and try to make friends with women but women nowadays are just scared i think that every guy tries to flirt with them and yea i take that into account but at the same time i cannot be a people pleaser my whole life and not be a burden..the older i get the less single women i meet..everyone is already taken or in a relationship or something man idk this is tough
changing all the things the reddit poster needs to change isn't going to get him a girlfriend and that's the tough thing i've learnt through my own adversities...people always say to work on yourself but the people that have easily accessed relationships, have they worked on themsleves or not? im willing to bet some dont...life isn't truly fair so good luck to op and anyone reading this
also the most toxic things people can say is "just be confident" like wtf does that mean dr k? it's like saying "have you tried turning it off and on again?"
" that i love less and less..because i feel forced by society to not care about wanting friends or a girlfriend and this scares me because when i do get a girlfriend what if i just dont care enough to show interest/ be committed to the relationship because I've been "working on myself" for too long? then she might think im just not into her..."
i find this interesting, have you worked on yourself yet though? it sounds like you're jumping to a conclusion based on what you think will happen and not what will actually happen. you are pre-empting a problem that hasnt even happened yet. try to work on yourself first then see what happens. dont back out of it cause of an imaginary situation that may never happen. live in the moment
i know what you want cause sometimes i want it too, sometimes you just want people to coddle you. genuinely. to agree that yeah this world is fucked and you're treated so terribly and you have every right to wanna give up. which is true, you actually do. I'm sorry you feel this way, but definitely try giving yourself a shot by working on yourself too. Good luck
I'm in my 30's and I worry about the nihilistic outlook that a lot of guys in their early 20's have and how resigned they are to having the worst lives imaginable. When you are young, you totally underestimate how much life can change. I spent my entire 20's thinking I was repulsively ugly. Recently, I was looking through old photos and I was actually surprised how good looking I actually was. I have a tonne of regrets now, about how much suffering I put myself through and how many opportunities to meet women. Focus on making yourself the best version you can be with whatever hand of cards you've been dealt. There is almost always something you do to make your situation better. Honestly, I think they should be teaching stoicism to young guys (and women too) in school. It's important to have an honest assessment of how your life is, even if it is bad, but this doomer shit needs to stop.
Christianity needs to be taught!
What do you recommend for learning stoicism?
It takes way too long, I'm almost graduating now but my life has been miserable for many years and it seems impossible at least in Oregon to do much of anything.
@@Soma2501 The ones that Dantieri are the must read classics. There's a pretty good youtube channel called Einzelgänger and he does really good short videos on different philosophies and philosophers (including stoicism) and how they can help various struggles in life. They'd be a great place for a newbie to start. Piggybacking on what Dantieri said about not going down a self help rabbit hole, the most important thing is to apply the principles and insights that you learn in your life. I think many guys here are probably quite smart and are too often stuck in the 'paralysis of analysis', when they need to be applying themselves and taking action.
Whats usually the point if you feel like your life goals one after one after one just fall through?
Honestly I'm kind of proof that it doesn't matter what you do to improve yourself some of us just don't get a shot for whatever reason. I turn 30 this year, I've never been on a date and I'm a virgin.
I go to the gym 5 times a week, I look pretty decent to be honest, I have no issue talking/interacting with the opposite sex. I have plenty of confidence in myself that isn't an issue. I've spent years solely focusing on myself and I've spent years also in the "game". I have nothing to show for any of this effort I put in. Not as in I put effort expecting a result, I mean I put effort in to improving myself every moment I get. I have multiple hobbies that take me outside with people and plenty that keep me isolated.
It sounds completely resigned to admit but I'm just one of the ones that fell through the cracks. I'll keep forever working on myself because I want to but I know full well my life is deigned to be alone.
So be it.
@@Dimitris_Balf It's over.
Exactly my dude! Well put. I fixed all my issues too and nothing came of it. So i just removed relationships out of my life's equation and solely focusing on myself. Gotta say it's been a blast so far, compared to my self loathing former self. Always hungry for external validation from the opposite sex. Cheers dude hope life treats you even better!
@@Dimitris_Balf You are too focused on the goal and thinking and planning about the future or pining over the past. Learn how to live in the moment and learn how to appreciate the now. Just concentrate on being open, positive, and inquisitive. Stop thinking about accomplishing a target or a goal such as wooing a woman. Your only goal should be to find the beauty and richness in life and sublime feeling of living in the moment. You have to let go and just be. Learn to appreciate what is. Learn to appreciate what occurs in real-time. Go out and make good memories with friends. Be a better friend, neighbor, community member, and stranger. Be a positive light in the world, rejoin the living who are living in the present and not be chasing memories of the past or being overwhelmed about what could occur in the future.
There are 105 men born for every 100 women so even if the market distibution in dating was completly equal which it is not there are going to be men destined to die alone.
have you ever, i dont know, like, considered, maybe, approaching a girl and display the value that you have?
what made me tear up a little wasn't the topic of dating and relationships but the topic of procrastinating due to feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things that need to be done to reach a complex goal.
this is what people who looked to Andrew Tate for help need. Actual positvity and good, self empowering advice.
This is what Andrew Tate says he's just louder and more rude about it lol
@@comebackqing8452 i didnt take it that way but icl i wasnt really listening lol
Real men don’t cry
Tate still living rent free in the female conscious lol.
Y'all just don't like a masculine man who helps young boys become more masculine right?
@@comebackqing8452 no Andrew tate is sexist, and objectifies the women around him including his own grandmother, and underage women
I had a colleague with abnormally deformed face. My initial body reaction when I met him was that deep-seated sadness and regret because of whatever happened to him... But then it turned out that he had that astonishing charisma and confidence in him. He really did not let his appearance define him in any way and it made him soooo admirable. Probably one of the most inspirational peoples I've ever met in my life.
See, that’s the thing. He was ugly so he had to prove himself to you. People on the opposite end of the spectrum (physically attractive people) are the opposite. They are often given praise for nothing, and all they have to do is not lose it, and it’s harder for them to lose it.
@@neverbackdown1918 I feel like you're overestimating the power of being attractive. The guy Kamil talks about might have had to "prove himself", but he did so by being truly himself and being ok with how he is (which does and probably did take work). I'm sure he is happier than a lot of good looking guys.
@@interestingcritter I think you’re underestimating the power of being attractive. You realize that attractive people get lighter jail sentences, right?
@@neverbackdown1918 This. He has to prove himself and go above and beyond just to get basic respect.
@@interestingcritter When I see a 9/10 attractive person it intimidates me. I'm probably not the only person who feels this way. No, they have extremely easy lifes in comparison and people treat them better for nothing. I don't even know why I want to treat them different than unattractive people. It's weird.
14:56 I had this same experience. After my first GF at 26, I also got more female attention due to no longer trying. Even after we broke up - I was getting over her and had no energy for dating, and actually for the first time in my life got approached by girls. The only issue is when I DO want to start dating again, all that coolness goes away, and then i become a nervous wreck again.
Yes, I would say this experience is quite typical for a lot of men but nobody really talks about it. Also, unless you are super successful, that attractiveness bonus from a stable relationships and the resulting emotional stability is probably the only reason most men ever experience being seriously approached by women. Which creates this really weird social dynamic.
@@Teilnehmer Approached how? I hardly even see them lol
i totally get where your comming from every time i get into a relationship woman seem to flock to me. then the second im out im invisible again.
Its cause bitches are like money to need some to get more. Also this is proof women are a hivemind.
If you were approached you are chad in looks. Or high tier normie
Telling people that haven't experienced any intimacy into their late 20s that "there is more to life than relationships" is such a shitty thing to do. Most normal people and all women for the most part can just exist and experience sex and intimacy. Dating. These are the people telling others that relationships aren't everything. These are the people that are constantly inundated with validation and compliments on social media just for existing. This is like a rich person telling a poor person that money isn't everything. Like, in a certain sense that is true. Sure. Relationships aren't everything. But humans need intimacy. Loneliness kills. Going your whole life with no intimacy is brutal. There are women and men that have body counts of well over 100. They exist. When you live a life of constant sex and intimacy and validation and social experiences, you literally cannot fathom what it is like to be alone. It is so alien to you. The blackpill can be harmful to a few but to be honest it is important for people to acknowledge the importance of looks.
I'm a woman, I never had a relationship or any intimacy but I'm still gonna say that there's more to life than relationships.
I'm a lonely guy and I also would say that's maybe single life isn't that bad but maybe I'm just coping lol
Basically a description of "breaking a big task up into smaller parts/goals".
That's what I thought, but isn't the difference here he's saying to first reach acceptance that the bigger task is not achievable and no longer a goal?
@@zeethree Yeah, there are multiple ways of "breaking a big task up into smaller goals" and that's one of the various approaches.
Imagine if he just posted a 10 second video saying “yes.”
rip XD
It would kill his career but would be incredibly based
@dcard228 it would probably kill the OP as well 💀
Yeah let me be brutally blackpill honest for once
It would make for a great shitpost status
I kinda spent my whole life not caring about getting with women, just interacting normally with them, and I'd say being pretty confident in myself.
And nothing came out of it. Im still alone, no relationship no nothing, so I disagree with dr k in this one. You have to go get it.
Same. I kinda just try to ignore that sphere of life cause im usually fucked up. But women arent throwing themselves at ne either. So that "it just happens" stuff is bullshit
Well, you at least have to be clear about your intentions. If you’re uncertain about how someone feels, then take care of it and get on the same page. As a woman, one thing I’ve noticed is that guys often put themselves in “the friend zone” by failing to be honest about what they want. Just don’t send mixed signals. And if she is? Then move on to someone who’s clear rather than sit there wasting time.
@@hover97 if you're trying to get a female you have to wait, maybe a year of being your best self and improving and then maybe, just maybe you will get one
Yeah, just ignoring relationships is not the way to go for lots of people. Seems to only work for some people (who are often already decently attractive physically but can come across as difficult socially).
@@gameonyolo1 well im always gonna be garbage so its obvious nothing is gonna go on. I just dont know how to actually accept it
"You are letting your motivations be determined by the outcomes and whims of another person."
I know I'm a year late, but the relevancy of this message is timeless, and it really spoke to me.
The confidence section of this video translates to: "To be good enough to get a stable partner, you already need to be the person who is good enough to get a stable partner." I know this vid is a good attempt at analysis of the situation, but it just nicely reveals the catch 22 of the entire situation. It's all predetermined, and you know into which pile you fell by the time you're 30. The next section, though, is excellent but is still an insanely difficult fight against our nature and biology as social animals.
Unfortunately the next paradox after that is focusing on your goals so much that you don't notice any opportunities presented to you. The idea that one day it will just happen seems just as dismissive as "well, that's just your opinion"
You took the thoughts right out of my mind and plastered them back on the screen
You hold that mindset for long enough, and not only do you completely forget about the whole idea and dismiss it when other point it out, but eventually you realize "Why did I ever need it to begin with? Haven't I been doing great for myself all this time without it?" Then you see the horror stories of various failures and it only reinforces the notion that you dodged a lot of bullets.
It'll never "just" happen - because you go from "not needing it" to "not looking for it" to "not wanting it" to "how much do I have to pay you to leave me be".
@@bleung2274 so basically, train yourself to enjoy being forever alone? Sounds like a great solution...
Easy for Dr. K to say to just give up on relationships and accept you might be alone forever when he has a wife and children lmao
@@ponternal ikr lmao. "After i got married i didnt care about any of that stuff" well no shit
Why are we trying to act like better-looking people don't get treated better by society simply for being better looking? People are shallow.
We're not lol. Everybody knows that. What helps is to respect that fact and move on with your life
Perspective is everything. They need to walk in the persons shoes to understand. We live in a shallow world, indeed.
I mean people are aware just they lie it is not to deal with it better
Nobody here said that wasn't the case. Now get over it and stop being resentful about things you can't change.
The ironic thing here is that many of these same shallow people have no idea the social consequences they will experience as a result when their own looks head south. You made your bed, now lay down and go to sleep.
I'm not someone who struggles with being ugly or not being attractive but I have a few friends that do. Thank you for this video I hope I can learn something to help them and I'll make sure to share this to them. I'm scarred to lose them or let them fall deeper into depression
I wish I had a friend like you
Help get them some bitches and their perspective will change
Maybe the deep rooted issue is the depression not the fact that they are not convencionally "atrractive"
As a person who also accepts the fact that they might never find a significant other, I'm still relatively okay with that. Like, a lot of the time when I tell people about my weirdness with my communication issues because of my autism and how for most getting a girlfriend/boyfriend for them is like getting a friend for me, they seem to give me a false hope that I will find that someone when I never even expected or asked for that. The one thing I can tell you I never want in my life is to be alone, it's my biggest fear. Being someone who has to deal with life completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world. If I have friends that are at the very least there for me, I am perfectly content with myself. Hell, getting a friend is already the happiest thing that could happen for me considering how hard it is to get friends anyway. And while I don't think OBJECTIVELY I might not find a significant other, I don't think it is at all likely considering how hard it is to get friends. How I view it is, I am not torn up by whether or not I can find that special someone but I think it would be nice if it were to ever happen. Of course, my mindset more aligns with me thinking I won't be a good match for that person rather than me having trust in getting one. It is largely the latter, but like I said I don't think it's impossible. Even if someone I liked felt the same way I would probably still reject them because I would think that they shouldn't settle for me. It's quite weird to say, but for someone with an inferiority complex I just don't see myself as ever living up to someone's standards and again, that's fine. As mentioned before, my main fear in life is being alone and as long as I have friends, you can trust me when I say I am perfectly content with it. And to be honest, being single does have its perks (and obviously vice versa).
@@metaphysicalparadox It's aight, you don't have to. :b
I love you. I wish you the best
You seem like a likable person. Don't worry too much. Everyone has issues with friendships. But always keep your connections going. They could be deep or superficial, but always keep them active in your life. And appreciate every good moment in all your relationships with other people.
There's... I'm not sure if it's therapy or what, but I know that autistic people can get like specialists in autism to help them learn to communicate. My boyfriend is autistic and I only found out a year into the relationship because he had a person like this helping him when he was younger, and apparently it helped him a ton. Maybe try looking into something like this?
I related to this comment a lot.
I, too, no longer desire or prioritize getting into a committed, loving relationship. I used to CRAVE female-platonic friendships, bc loneliness used to be a fear of mine, too. It still is, to some extent, but that’s because I’ve realized that’s what’s going to happen to me, regardless. The one friend I have is in a relationship and I know she’ll marry one day and maybe have kids, and she won’t have time for me. Which I understand, but it’s annoying knowing I have a good 60-70 years ahead of me of nothing but me being good to not even have a community. But, ooh well.
"Just work on yourself bro" is probably the worse advice anyone could give. I've been working on myself for the last 10 years, still alone.
Defeatism is one of the least attractive traits. That mindset is shooting you in the foot.
It's true. "Just work on yourself" has become one of the most overused statements.
People are scared to acknowledge the dark truths (black pills) of the world.
Its hard to be honest and talk about uncomfortable truths.
Its easy to say a generic thing like: "Hang in there!" or "Just be confident!"
Being Fake is easier then being real.
Which is why so many people choose to be fake.
That's literally step one. Did you move on to the next steps?
Escorts or sugarbaby. You can complain about the cards you're delt or work with them. Focus on what you can do
Yup, and if you try to say something they gaslight you by saying:" You just haven't worked on yourself! Keep grinding!"
I procrastinate my work by listening dr.K talk about procrastination.
"Creating an unsolvable problem" makes so much sense. I am not even thinking about the girlfriend part, I am talking about life goals of my own. I don't really have goals and the system we live in makes it rather impossible to be happy. I was thinking even if I try to change some aspects of my life, not much would change, so why try? Now I think what I have been doing was creating an unsolvable problem for myself. Of course I won't do anything if the problem is unsolvable, and it left me stagnant. Thank you for the new point of view Dr. K. You gucci.
The component that was (still is sometimes) hardest for me was that I needed any fixing/improvement at all. Love advice generally amounts to "be yourself, it's about finding someone who loves you for who/what you are." Well if I need to do this huge list of things before that happens, then I just feel demotivated and less than my peers who got laid without any of that stuff. It's not always about knowing what I need to do to fix myself; it's grappling with the notion that I have to do all this stuff to be worthy of love. And if I lose any of those things, I will then also lose love.
I know exactly what you mean, and I feel the same way. It's easy for the dudes who get tons of female attention without even trying to just say "work on your confidence bro", but like... did they ever experience _anything_ that ever shook their confidence in the first place? I highly doubt it. Some of us definitely have to work much harder to even get seen at all, and yeah it feels incredibly unfair to look at that massive list of "changes" and recognize that you'll be doing all of that just to hit the minimum required threshold for romantic consideration.
I've been living on my own, focusing on myself and ignoring what others say to hear my voice and body just to continue doing things I do bc I want to, but, now I'm about to get 19 yrs without 'healthy' friendships and zero relationships, the unwanted loneliness makes you change and wanting to be nicer with people if some day you would get someone special around you. The natural human urge of being social and loved by others fucking sucks and people get lost in the noise.
I might have misread, but as someone who's 22 and went through a phase of "just be nice to people to get them to like you" at your exact age, it doesn't work. People either end up viewing you as weak and inferior, or they don't take you seriously. You're a novelty to them. At best they'll greet you and pretend to care about your existence if you see them while they're out with their real friends.
Do yourself a favor and learn from my mistakes. Skip the nice phase. If you're naturally a nice person like I am, only be that way with people who know and love you.
Good luck out there. It can get better. Don't give up hope!
Found that even my best friends who I would do a lot for generally forgot me as time went on. They were there when they needed support but once they didn't they were gone. That's pretty much the way the world works. Being nice to people gets you used and not much else. Which sucks because I enjoy being nice to people. I've found that working customer service has helped with that; it's considered a skill to be a pleasant person to talk to while at the same time it gives you ample experience of why you really shouldn't be a doormat in your own life.
It's been a while, I'm almost 20, kinda unlucky on being in the same state, yet I'm optimistic and I've learned from some experiences, I'm just vibing and If I get lucky w anybody, I'll take the chance but not making me look needy, I realized about I focused too much about my thoughts and making asumptions in others(that crushed me eventually), and I'm still gambling(this shit about relationships is rng eventually ong)
About being doormat I'm working on it and seeing some nice results, I just don't ask to help when I should, bad habits smh
Can't imagine Dr K not being a nice and warm person at work
"Why would you let your motivation be determined by another human being?"
Because I don't feel like a cause worth being motivated for.
It's all too real the impossibility it is to have a woman be attracted to you when you have a lazy eye.
"He's nice and i like his personality, but his eye creeps me out."
Or just the sheer amount of women who say no and then proceed to shame me for thinking they'd go out with someone like me.
It really makes me upset and even angry that people are born beautiful and take it for granted, and even use that beauty to take a higher status and hurt others.
The fact that you have a lazy eye proves that guys with lazy eyes can get laid. It wouldn’t exist in the gene pool otherwise.
They're mean >:(
Maybe try wearing an eye patch? After someone gets over that fact about you, maybe they could learn to love that part of you after falling for your personality.
@@DrawinskyMoon thought about it. I already have the eye patch for therapy. I need the confidence to think i can pull it off lol
@@bohemianprince7944 Train with me, Boss!
Seriously though, that must really suck, and I totally get not feeling confident enough to pull off a certain look. That's the same reason I tend to just dress comfortably and try not to worry about fashion, cause I tend to look weird no matter what I wear.
That being said... Big Boss wouldn't give a singular fuck about whether or not he can pull off wearing an eye patch. He just wears that shit anyways. I think even without that level of confidence, we can both still aspire to stop giving a shit about how other people see us in terms of physical attractiveness.
Makes sense to me. Im just glad Dr K. Didn’t patronize OP. The worst things that anyone has ever told me, “you’re going to make a lucky woman very happy some day”. I ALWAYS got that from women. I would have to bite my tongue and ask, “why the hell aren’t you that person?” It’s like Dr. K said; just forget about goals that involve other people and focus on yourself.
Always a bad idea to take advice from women on this, they simply can’t relate so anything they say will come across as patronizing
@@Trynottoblink well and they have it so much easier when it comes to picking dates; and idgaf what anyone else says, that is 100% correct.
@@Trynottoblink > they simply can’t relate so anything they say will come across as patronizing
Yep! Couldn't had said it better.
@@andrewkelley9405 No guys have agree that we have it equally as hard but there are girls that agree that we guys have it harder. So yeah, only girls say the opposite of what you say my friend!
What I mainly took away from this video is Dr K's "Pornography! Woohoo, here we go!" which is now my wake up alarm sound.
I just came across your videos tonight as I was looking at something unrelated. But the title caught my attention because this is where I'm at -- I'm an ugly guy who women don't pay attention to (in fact, it generally seems I disgust them). There's a lot of really good stuff here that I hadn't considered before, so I found the video helpful and insightful (and I am wanting to get therapy at some point because I definitely need it). The thing is, though, that I have found happiness apart from relationships. I'm a Christian, so a lot of my psychological issues have been tempered by my faith, but I'm also a musician, so I have found meaning in life by performing music for people who generally appreciate it, and I make a part-time income from it. But due to things in my past, especially as a child, being incessantly bullied, having a poor family life, girls constantly rejecting me and even threatening physical violence against me if I so much as accidentally brushed up against them, I have a lousy sense of self-worth (in fact, I really have none). Part of my issues are the fact that women don't find me attractive, so I have no motivation in life to do much of anything. I see my married friends talking about how much of an inspiration their wives are, how much their wives support them, that they couldn't do what they do without them, etc., and all I have for myself *is* myself, and, to be frank, I hate myself, so I can't look to myself for motivation. So I'm not sure how much this advice could help someone in my situation.
The confidence section is nearly identical to what I learned in rehab to stay sober. Focusing on being a better human being is the cure for a lot of our ailments.
The points in this video about goals and procrastination were really eye opening and can be applied to a wide range of situations, so I ended up sharing this video with my friends. They ended up laughing at me for watching a video titled "I Am Too Ugly for a Girlfriend" ;_;
sometimes it's better to keep wisdom to yourself
@@liviasilva3333 Yeah, though it's better to share it most of the times, but if they don't want a help. Grant them.
That's so sad but hilarious at the same time. dw bro, in my book you're a legend.
I send these videos in my friend groups discord and just hope that they click on them just so youtube will recommend them some of this channels content because i know some of them need it. Even if they don't click it hopefully the tracking of data leads youtube to recommend these videos to them
Sounds like you need some new friends. Smh some people 😔
Interesting video and a plausible approach, but I've found that this "focus on yourself, not on women or relationships, then the latter will come naturally" approach doesn't work, at least for me. I'm over 40 and still an incel (not in a bad sense of the word, I dont't hate anyone...), was awkward and shy as a child, anxious and all that. In my mid-twenties, as an unathletic type, I discovered endurance sports for myself, the training has done me good mentally, the successes have increased my self-confidence and I have made many friends. Eventually I got so good that I won smaller running races and was able to run a marathon in under 2:40 hours. I was more self-aware than before, had a daily structure and the feelings of inferiority got better, but with women all this did not bring me further, although I became more social and more relaxed in conversations. The reasons for this are, in my opinion, the following: First, the training, the competitions and all that took up a lot of time, I went out less often in the evenings and thus had even less opportunity to meet women (and the ambitious running scene itself didn't help either, as it was pretty male-dominated). In addition, my enhanced social skills in my 30s did me little good because im my teenage years (or early 20s...) I simply had missed the window of opportunity to learn how to approach women. I could talk and be funny, but still didn't know how to then become more intimate. Also, I see a second problem with the idea of focusing on a life without women:: As someone who has studied biology, I know that we are evolutionary programmed to reproduce and that the desire for this also determines our feelings. And to simply switch them off by rational considerations or distraction does not succeed in the long run (haha...), at least not for me....
But despite the criticism many thanks for the interesting video (and sorry for my bad English...)
@@Dimitris_Balf Let me try to explain: When you are a teenager, it is "normal" not to know how to initate a kiss, how to become intimate, how to show a girl that you like her and want to make her your girlfriend, because everybody is inexperienced. The girl does´t expect you to be confident, to "know what you do", because she ist probably as inexpierienced as you are. You both have to learn all these things in that limited age span . This is what I mean with "window of opportunity". But while Im am writing this and thinking about the subject, I come to the conclusion that there belongs even more to that concept. As an teenager (or young adult) you also learn how it is to be in a relationship, how to introduce her to your family and friends and all that stuff. But when you are older, things have changed, everything will become more awkward. When you meet a woman in your 30s, she will expect that you have some expierience, that you know how to initiate a kiss, how to behave in a long-term relationship and so on, and because you know about these expectations you become even more nervous ans your self-esteem gets even more damaged. This concept including age-specific "transitions" ist scientifically described by Denise Donnelly et al., you can find some papers online for free.
I´d like to add a personal expierience: A few years ago, I was friends with a younger woman, but she already hat a boyfriend. After the relationship ended, I met her one evening, it was a hot summer night, we were sitting outdoors o a bench very closely an had some drinks together. In the retrospective I think that I might have had a chance, but I messed it up because of my total lack of expierience. When I tried kiss her a few days later, I asked for the kiss (a mig mistake) andy failed, because I was´t self-confident enough to read her body language an initiate it (or not) without any words... rhe whole thing ended in a very awkward way, and I am quite sure that was due to my lack of any sexual or romantic expierience.
I hope that made the concept understandable... It´s kind of a vicious circle: A lack of expierience produces more anxiety and lower self esteem, that leads to no future success and still no expierience and so on...
@@unfreiwilligsingle2207 I think I'm also struggling with this as a 21 y/o with most/if not all of my friends being more experienced. I have been fine for so long but hearing more and more about how active they are and talk about it, it really sticks in my mind. It feels shameful in a way because I feel like it shouldn't bug me this much
@@exo.dus.1180 i feel exactly like you
you just havent worked hard enough on you bro
just be yourself bro
I want to both rephrase and emphasize a point made in the video.
If one has a big problem, such as writing an essay (or writing a long comment as may happen from time to time), break the problem into subgroups. Treat each subgroup as the new main goal of focus. Find motivation on that level. If one can’t succeed there, break the task up further.
For writing, one can start by searching for text that one wants to respond to. One can have a doc with just quotes from videos or web articles. Step 2 could be create one main bullet points that one wants to say about that quote. Step 3 could be to give the details. I like to break the writing tasks up until I can do it within 5 minutes on a timer.
I’m pretty sad and broken, I’m too old and it’s just weird to be inexperienced at this age. I workout a lot and just trying to work on myself. Maybe next life will be better.
Have you considered getting cats? 🤔
So basically, if it’s too late to get the 100% true ending, start going for the neutral ending
We didn't complete the right quests
If that fails there is always any% ending with neckrope
Tried to get into art school.. could not get in because of the exam. Planning to go into politics.
Wish me luck!😁
@@AverageEnjoyer265 🫡
Bro. You are here because no woman desires you, not because you can't improve. You cannot self improve your recessed hairline, recessed chin and ugly face.
You will forever be overshadowed by attractive men who did nothing but be born.
,,be a better human being for other people“ this sentence makes me mad for some reason and I can’t figure out why…
Maybe because it's also important to be better for yourself?
@@Chaz1871 being a better human being for myself, yes! But not necessarily for others. Dunno. Hearing this just makes my mind go ,,why should I be a better human for others if others are trash humans to me. I’m fine with them being trash, but why should I be better then“. A very troublesome and shallow thought there, I know. Unnecessarily hateful and generalizing. Tho its what comes first to my mind
@@Domenic1407 I think it's most important to work on improving yourself for your own benefit. As you become better, you will uplift those around you as a side effect and attract people who are not trash, then those people will uplift you in turn.
It means be happy with people being entilted to your kindness
Ya i am starting to realize a lot of solutions to problems relating immutable characteristics is just massive mental gymnastics and victim blaming. Telling them to continually improve and not care about core human experiences like relationships. I fucking hate living
I teared up watching this. Thank you Dr. K! Fuck the view of the mountain but the view of that one step! a step towards being confident and loving myself instead of depending too much on landing a relationship. This is it. Thank you!
After watching the video and reading some of the top-liked comments, I am in a confusion but I also know that I don't need to be alone in doing what I want. It's not wrong to want relationships or just being yourself. The term "healthy relationships" is a generic term and the people involved in the relationship defines it. The things in a healthy relationship can be common across a vast majority of relationships.
I had a very tough childhood. I had neglectful parents and I always struggled with self-love, body dysmorphia and social anxiety. On the top of that, I don't even perform good in academics or sport. I am sure I am the special needs child Dr. K mentioned in one of his videos recently. I went outside of my city for college - and the time I spent with my friends accross those 4 years is does not even come close to the horrifying experience I had till the age of 18. The only thing that kept me going was the people around. I used to sleep like a baby during my college while I used to get nightmares in my house everyday since I don't know when. My parents didn't give me enough money in college for rent and food and me and my roommates sometimes struggled to have food for some days but I remember those days living happily - why? because I had people around. and there are so many examples I can write but that would be too long for this comment for everyone to read (which is already way too long, lol).
The thing I am trying to communicate is that we human beings are social creatures and we need people around and sometimes we need intimate relationships to feel good and that does not make us losers or codependent. That makes us human, period. And the OP mentioning the rejection he faced is extremely valid and he doesn't need to suffer alone. Yes, he needs to get his hopes up( which Dr. K mentioned), but he doesn't need to reach a hypothetical body Weight/appearance to do that. I would recommend him to get therapy and figure out self-love and self-compassion. It is doable.
I think what also lends itself to the feelings of being too ugly, are those stories we occasionally see online about a person not going out with someone because because they were wearing certain shoes, or something stupid like that. I think it can lead to a "mean world syndrome" type of effect.
Society has a fixation on negativity, it tends to put that sort of behaviour on spotlight. With the internet, accessing this negativity has not only become easier, the volume of it has increased to the point where seeing it is effortless. The more negativity people are exposed to, the more they believe that other people exemplify that negativity even if it doesn't make sense, because they see it often enough to recognize it.
This creates a vicious cycle on both sides. People who are convinced that the world is negative, and people who actively indulge in negativity because they see it as a new norm. We've started seeing some aspects of it, but eventually this will only cause people to disengage, because the "probability" of their effort yielding anything rewarding will only continue to fall. When it seems like the likelihood of failure is massive, and the consequences are severe, then we once again see the same situation that Dr. K brought up with motivation.
It's because women do tiktoks in which they talk about from how many guys they got laid and how they still haven't found the right one.
Or they can just be ugly it isn't always made up
oh yeah the tinder dating is really cut throat like that
when there is such an excess of options, people keep on scrolling through trying to justify not taking people for even the smallest of reasons in search of this "perfect" match, even if these reasons were something as irrelevant as a cloth item.
at the end they pick no one because they are so blinded by options.
man this is so spot on
nice to see you here as well
Nice to see you here man
@@j.d.o5709 If you watch the entire video he definitely does not say it's over for you in that case. He suggests he works on himself and finds happiness outside of a relationship first, and then a relationship may or may not happen. The expectation of a relationship fixing everything is unrealistic and puts a lot of pressure on someone else.
Also few people are Chads or Staceys, but then so many of the people that don't fit those roles still find relationships.
But it's also true that many people are superficial, so one may start with a disadvantage in terms of looks, but then one can make up for it in other ways, and some men and women don't care that much about looks. Don't blame people for being superficial if you're as superficial or even more so.
And that's another important part. I see some men shame women for being superficial, while they themselves are often more superficial, specifically deselecting most women and only going for those they consider very beautiful. It makes no sense.
So another way to get into a relationship besides self development is taking a critical look at who one is trying to get to know, and whether it's heavily based on looks.
If you only go for those people not only are you contributing to the superficiality problem, you also limit your chances of success heavily, because the amount of people you're interested in drastically drops.
And not only that: If the persons are superficially beautiful by the current standards of society, SO many people will be trying to get into relationships with them so you're like 1/1000 applying for a job.
Also for this same reason those same people are likely very tired of people constantly trying to chat them up + also tired of people being interested in them only for their looks. They have to filter away so many people to even find the ones who appreciate them for who they are.
For those of us not being that beautiful we already know that if most people are interested in us it's likely not based on looks or at least not solely. Plus we can generally be left alone when we want to. I appreciate that.
A downside for us are the major dating apps that cater to people's superficiality, where people make split second decisions on interest or not, and rarely read profile information. So chances are better in apps that cater less to superficiality + AFK. Fx. meeting people through shared interests.
@@j.d.o5709 People exist in various states of looks among both men and women. Regardless of gender people of certain looks have a more challenging time finding a partner,
all other things being equal. Women considered ugly are in a similar challenging situation.
Don't overhaul your life for a partner but for yourself.
It is entirely possible to be happy without a relationship, and if plagued by sadness a relationship wouldn't fix it
anyway.
Why was doing all the things you did a waste of time? Aren't just doing something for yourself worth the effort?
Maybe that particular therapist wasn't a good fit? Tried any of the ones related to HealthyGamer incidentally?
Most dating apps generally are designed for people to be superficial. It's unfortunate.
Then again when people find each other from looks alone many of those relationships are not likely to last.
It can work better to find someone through hobbies, work, shared friends etc. IMO. This way you can get to know people
slowly and they can get to know you, without there being anything about dating involved. Maybe it will happen in some cases,
but "worst" case - which is not bad at all - it's a way to get friends, both men and women.
Sad to hear rejection happened AFK too. It can take quite a while there too.
I think it's a bit strange that women are talked about as some monolithic entity instead of individuals - behaviour and
what they seek varies from man to man and woman to woman.
If someone treats you like trash they aren't worth your time anyway.
Some women don't want someone vulnerable, others do. As gender norms change I think we're likely to see much more acceptance
of men showing vulnerability.
While I find superficiality nonsensical, it's still people's own business and choice if they want to be so, don't be
angry with them. One can't ever be entitled to romantic attention.
But if one is hoping for success with a relationship it could be worth personally looking into how one actually picks the people to go for, and whether it's primarily looks or not. I.e. examine one's OWN superficiality.
It's honestly saddening to read that you're putting yourself down to such an extent, and likely believe it to be some
objective truth.
Your videos are so precious and important, they really help a lot to deal with various struggles. Thank you so much for this channel.
I really want to thank Dr K a lot....been watching lots of your videos lately....and they've really helped me a LOT...
I love that smile you rounded it out with, idk it just seemed so hopeful for folk.
And 100% agree spending time alone, and growing mentally is so incredible. I have become very emotionally aware of myself and have become interested other areas of psychology and stuff. 26, also a virgin and I've never felt better in my life honestly. I feel very grounded and happy with myself.
I felt ugly as hell. Short, thin, acne scars, bulby bose... then I shaved my head and bought new clothes for the first time in 5 years. I keep getting compliments, equally from men AND women.
I wanna shave my head so bad
@@cockandballer Buy a pair of clippers and do it at home. I used to shave my head DIY style and loved it, it could be very liberating and fun (might need someone to help you with the back tho lol)
You were never ugly at all.
Did you start getting laid more though? People will compliment anything new out of instinct. A compliment on your appearance is usually just the normie's way of signalling "I notice you changed your appearance"
There's also the thing that people tend to compliment the progress not the result. When I lost weight and got into shape I was getting a ton of compliments from co-workers who had known me from before, but still 0 matches on Tinder, and if I met someone new they never mentioned anything about me looking good. This way years ago and no-one compliments me anymore. Obviously, I still look at least as good as before (I'm still in shape) but this is what people are now used to, so there's no point in mentioning it.
Similarly, a shaven head looks better than a badly thinning dis-shelved mess, so the improvement might be genuine, but unfortunately it doesn't necessarily mean you now crossed the threshold from ugly to attractive. You just got a bit closer to it.
@Shinzen Young troll
I really like the phrase "*there's more to life than relationship*" and that is very logical. I'm 25, had no sexual experiences, chosen the wrong college career path and had terrible relationship with family and some friends.
I am grateful that I have found something I'm passionate about, which is drawing. And I'm holding onto this even if my parents doesn't support it!
But, you know what?
Even if I have this passion for something, there's still this lingering thing inside me saying: " I wish someone is here to support me along the way."
I know it's wrong to think like this when I know that I'm doing it for myself, but part of me is saying that it wants to be in a relationship .
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. You’ll probably have one at some point. Life is long.
It’s OvER
@@timmancillas8326 Cope
There is nothing wrong in seeking validation and support from others, especially when those you expect to support, your parents, don't.
Your mind is presenting you the ordering issue, what you value more.
If that's your passion, you should focus on it but not be completely blind to opportunities. By valuing your passion above relationship, you are already accepting a chance (however small or big) that you might not end up with someone, because you have something you are more devoted to. Nikola Tesla did similar thing, although he actively avoided romantic relationship, as he believed that would distract him from his passion.
Other option is to acknowledge that you value support from others more, that you don't fully trust in yourself to do it alone. Which means you'll have to rearrange your efforts.
Either way, what's bugging your mind, it's analogical to physical pain - something is wrong with your body and you should devout some effort to your needs.
It’s not wrong to think that way, don’t let these morons tell you that it is wrong to feel lonely. They have never struggled with loneliness and self esteem issues clearly
This is great stuff man, I needed to hear this. Thanks !
This channel is literally reading me and honestly I'm not following every advice but accepting my failures
It all starts with noticing and accepting. The rest will follow gradually almost as a natural consequences of doing the first two
@@j.d.o5709 💀🤦
The difference between conventionally unattractive and unconventionally attractive often times is just confidence and self love/respect. Me like most people know people who are conventionally unattractive are attractive because of their personality, fashion, hobbies, career and etc. Instead of focusing on things which they can't change, they put their minds to things that they enjoy and are good at. A girl with a butterface great at baking. A guy whose face looks like it went one evolutionary step down running a marathon and cycling.
I have a friend, who has a burned arm and facial deformity (Split lip, massive underbite) and he has no problem dating. He owns his own business, he does body exercises no matter the rain outside, and he has a really gentle soul. He knows that some women find him repulsive, and he does accept that he gets ocassional episodes of self-doubt and loathing. But he accepts the predicament he's in and just tries to make the best of it.
Some medical conditions that cause a bit of ugliness cause a bigger toll on the body which restricts your ability to do a lot of activities and cause fatigue. If someone's problem is just literally being 'ugly' then yeah that doesn't sound very crippling in itself.
@@Alan_the_Red It is crippling. Being stared at, being constnatly rejected. Hell, it even limits your employment opportunities.
All of that takes a toll on your mental health, which in turn, takes a toll on the body itself. So it's not okay to devalue just physical atractiveness, since it is important.
But at the same time, it's also not okay to put all the blame just on to physical unattractiveness.
@@Envojus Ah true I know how that stuff is actually I used to be way uglier than I am right now, I just hid in my room for a long time :p
It really depends on what though, like in my case it was massive red bumps on my eyelid and other nasty skin issues and goblin like movement lmao like I have had it real bad.
If you just have like a big nose or a plain looking face or something, I don't really get it.
@@user-bf5ud6eg2i Not really, at least in my own experience. Being attractive doesn’t work if you have a bad personality and it’s exhausting to constantly have to reassure someone who’s insecure. Maybe desperate women do that, but not women who are looking for a healthy dynamic. Being an exhausting person isn’t attractive, period.
THIS IS A PSYOP
I wish I had this advice when I was younger because it is so spot on. I was completely convinced I was too ugly and inexperienced too ever receive romantic/sexual attention (I was suicidal too). I worked on making life worth living for myself in the ways I could control and eventually a relationship just kinda happened
Pretty much had the same experience, I was also suffering from several drug addictions.
Holy, I feel like this guy is reading my mind. I've been suffering from this stuff my whole life and I know every single point he makes sooo well
The problem is that letting go doesn't help. I knew as soon as I got into puberty that I would never have a girlfriend.
But the problem is that there's simply no other goal to live for. There are no desires, goals, no objective to pursue at life at all. Everything is so tedious and boring.
I tried to go to college but it absolutely destroyed me, there goes any hope for any good job ever in life. I did exercise and I got into a great physical shape, only to still be a failure of a human being inside.
There are no creative goals in me either. There's just nothing. I am literally noone, just the empty carcass of a male human body, existing without reason. I am nothing, just flesh.
I just wish I have had the chance not to be born. I can't understand how people can enjoy all this crap we call life.
@@Dimitris_Balf So just to sumarise, it has always been, is, and forever will be impossible for me. Sheerly because of who and what I am. And somehow I already knew that even before puberty.
I just can't stress enough how much I wish I had have the chance not to be born. I've never had even a single day worth living.
@@Dimitris_Balf No one told me that, no one had to, it was obvious by just looking at my environment. Girls could only react to me in two ways: disgust or laughing at me.
No one came and specifically told I would ever have a girlfriend, it was just impossible not to see, not to notice, as clear as the sky being blue above us.
@@Dimitris_Balf I was referring to something that was clear, a brick wall is harder than your fist for example, that is less relative and doesn't need to be explained.
But yes, it's no secret, it was my father, anger issues and frustrated with life himself. He taught me that I deserved to be bullied, although no intentionally and despite always claiming opposites things like he believed in me. So I accepted my place in the world.
Naturally this made life insufferable by itself, but it carried a secondary tragedy of knowing that I would never had any female contact (whether just for friendship, lust, or, God forbade it, love!).
From my perspective I could understand why I would like a girl, both in a physical way or in personality way. Or both. How could a lowly being who was lacking in the fundamental aspect of personality attract any person of the opposite sex? If a girl ever looked at me (because at the very least God let me not be ugly) it would only until they learned how I truly was.
Why would I ever even want to go through the process of approaching girls? Not only I can't but the only possible outcome is atrocious.
And also, and maybe even more important. Why would I want to drag any poor woman into the pit of despair I exist in. Or rather that I am?
@@Dimitris_Balf My father was right tho, college destroyed me, two times. I didn't accomplished anything in life. I was truly destined to be a loser. Academically, socially, romantically. I would say that a girlfriend began being impossible but became even more so as time went by. Now not even a miracle could fix the waste that my life has become. But well, if something positive can be said about it, is that the sheer impossibility of love is the last of my problems.
2022, another dreadful wasted year stands before me. Another unreachable peak I will slowly see fading with time.
I'm tired of even existing.
@@Dimitris_Balf And thank you for listening to me.
Yes, my sisters, my mother, three therapists. And some ocasional random people on youtube.
As someone who experiences overwhelm constantly, especially in my work, this video is helpful on a general basis. I end up paralyzed and scrolling through a social media loop that I don’t even enjoy.
I'm starting to learn to not put my value as a person and as a young man through how many women I can pull. I've never had a girlfriend and that does get the gears turning and you start to not like yourself. It gets to the point where you believe you wont be happy until you get a gf. Now I'm starting to carry myself like I should which is loving myself, and really embracing who I am. Here's to a better year.
how is it going after a year?
@@freevipservers i wanna know too
It's depressing but it is what it is, I'm 5'5 and plain looking so pretty much ugly. I fill my time with my hobbies like hiking/drawing/botany/piano or my career, it doesn't fill the void but it eases it at atleast.
One of these days I wanna chat with Dr. K, seems like a cool guy! (also my mindset is a train wreck right now lmao)
(Probably because of all that skyblock grinding...)
@@wepl I'll forever be a skyblock virgin :D
That's what the hypixel community can do to you. Love everything about the network and what it has to offer but I needed to separate it from my daily life, especially returning to normal after 2020.
Get a therapist, that’s their job lol
I swear by it, the video titles I seem personally the least interested in on my favourite channels end up being some of their best, most relatable videos. This is a prime example; I do not feel ugly or unlucky getting partners. But I constantly set large goals, get overwhelmed, procrastinate, then abandon dreams. I overwhelm myself. I need to set smaller, more realistic goals if I want to accomplish any goal.
i am amazed that someone is out here talking realtalk about issues like this. huge respect. this was real, deeply true advice.
For me it’s more of a low self-esteem. I look at people on Instagram and there’s a lot of handsome men that I wish I could be but sadly I’m stuck in this body
Invalidating experiences by changing them from the matter of facts to the mater of feelings is not only shitty, it can be dangerous. Cheers to Dr. K for taking this guy seriously.
I was seen by mental health professionals (multiple!) that, when i told them i have problem with understanding others and being understood by them, told me that i was „talking normally”, and all of this is just in my head.
Later it turned out to be a mix of being neurodivergent and fallout from being utterly isolated from any influences besides my „family” up till I was 20 and moved out.
My problems with communication were real.
I have been treated for an illness I don't have for 6 years. With hard drugs.
Technically that would mean it’s all in your head…
proper skitzo coping @@kaekae1782
Bro. You are here because no woman desires you, not because you can't improve. You cannot self improve your recessed hairline, recessed chin and ugly face.
You will forever be overshadowed by attractive men who did nothing but be born.
17:35 "if the answer is no, change it" While i 100% agree with this, i wish you would have added "but if the answer is yes, keep it". This absurd goal of "get a girlfriend" is hurting so many people to the point they are willing to bend themselfes to try to become a person the can't really be. First, think about who you are and then try to find people (yes, more than just a girlfriend!) who want that person in their life.
Thats a lot easier than pretending to be someone you are not.
Amazing video, great message in the end!
Took out some valid lessons from this about procrastination and being hopeless thank you Dr k
I love your approach to arguments. You take a big step back and use relativity and objective logic along with some individuality depending on the case. You make sure not to invalidate the person you're trying to help but also find the issue between the lines. I just love it all. I'd love to be one of your patients.
That mountains analogy is so beautiful, the mountain is an ultimate goal but the view doesn't change each step you take. But you can always focus on the smaller goals like taking a walk to the next stoplight first and chain those together because then your view changes rapidly and motivation renews along with it.
Seems the right answers were the ones I got growing up, just no one could articulate them well for me. Thank you so much for these insights, I can actually run with this
I comeback to this video to help me stay focus. thanks man for making this, love you from Indonesia.
u have no idea how much u have helped other people. watching videos of you, your mindset, how u approach problems, how you assess situations has helped me help so many people, including myself. you are wise.
My issue is that I enjoy my hobbies, but at the same time I'm miserable that I'm nowhere near getting a girlfriend. I just don't think the girls I'm into would find me attractive because of my hobbies. I don't even think my hobbies could get me a job. So I sometimes just feel like I'm wasting my time at my hobbies. Too bad my hobbies are the only things I'm motivated to do.
You can live a happy life with no relationship but you can't live a happy life without friends, sometimes our priorities are misconstrued
“There’s more to life than relationships” - not really, no. Not for me at least.
its funny how they say that but are in relationships
The biggest cause of depression in young men is often lack of quality relationships.
Wrong
@@itv5610
Got anything else to say or just wanted to let this random person of the internet how much you disagreed with their random opinion on a random video?
@@itv5610 Not really wrong, it doesn't have to be only intimate one either. Bad relationship with siblings/parents is just as bad as no social relationships (friends) or intimate relationships
When people say they are too "ugly" for a girlfriend/boyfriend, a lot of the times they mean too "ugly" for the partner they WANT. If I'm objectively a 2-4, getting another 2-4 is easy if you aren't a mess outwardly. But thing is a lot of unattractive people don't want to date other "ugly" people.
Truuuuue
I still think it's all in the matter of preference. Everyone is allowed to judge others, butut what they leave out though is the other things that could be deemed much more valuable to what actually makes them likable or special.
Yeah it's true
is there some deeper implication in this?
This is the sane, level-headed version of the common "but muh hypergamy" argument spouted by incels.
This was a very good video, I missed it when it was uploaded and I'm glad I got back to it. I'm in a similar situation, though I had one girlfriend in the past and I wouldn't call myself ugly at all, and in fact I think I'm relatively handsome in my own way. My problem comes from my inability to approach women, which is what I'm currently working on, trying to dissect it with my therapist to understand where it comes from.
My biggest problem with the letting go idea is that I have a hard time accepting being alone because I miss physical intimacy, especially the kind that no friends or other people can give me and that would be meaningless from a s*x worker. It's not even about the physical proximity itself, it's more about receiving proof that someone would like to exchange cuddles and practice more adult activities with me with sentiments involved
Wall of text incoming:
It's really hard to let go of that goal. Partly because I don't want to. I don't want to miss out on such great experiences and I want to find a great partner for myself.
I think for me it'll be easier and more effective to accept that if I work towards that goal the mountain won't look like it's coming closer and that's fine and I will still continue to work on it nontheless.
And here's the thing: If I have relationship as my long term goal then I will be more motivated towards improving myself. That goal is already locked in, I want it, it motivates me. Why give it up? And it gives my self improvement a direction.
And if I talk to people I'm attracted to I'll see them as a person regardless of their gender. Because I need to and have partly already accepted that relationships don't come fast or easily (if that were the case I would already be in one) and instead I have to talk to that person first for a long time and get to know them all the while seeing them as a person and not as a member of a gender that I'm attracted to.
That will also lead to a more healthy relationship. And it will give me the chance to realize if I even want to be with that person because even if they are physically attrative that doesn't mean that I want to be with them.
I clicked on this video as background noise while I played a game, and while I don't relate to OP necessarily (I can generally get into relationships), there's a ridiculous amount of good advice here for motivation in general. Needed to hear some of this. That bit about everything being overwhelming which leads to demotivation is really a great conclusion.
I don't know about "focusing on yourself". I've been focusing my entire life for 28 years and haven't gotten a single relationship. This is because i never chased. You have to chase. You have to take action and put yourself out there in the dating world because I never did , and all I did was focus on myself, my career, my health. Look where that got me.. single to this day.
The dating market IS rigged....
@@rijusnar1994 how is it rigged?
@@icy5982
Too manny lonely men.
Something that translates into giving women too much validation.
They post a photo and they'll have an army of horny/desperate men throwing compliments at them.
Then women only want the best of the best (who wouldn't?) And of course try to compete agaisnt each other for the 3 6 men.
6 pack, 6 figures, 6 foot tall.
This means you either:
a) are one of those few men.
b) try yo find a partner who will pretty much cheat on you because you are not good enough.
People, sex and intimacy just became products on this dating market.
Agreed, you need to take action -coming from a single introvert
I have to disagree here. Telling someone who feels pressured to lose their virginity that it's fine to be alone won't help them. It's not just about having sex; it's about being a functional member of society as a whole. I was a virgin for a long time, and it sucked being around people my age who would talk about their sexual experiences, while I had to keep quiet so they wouldn't know I had none. This guy needs to know he's going to find a woman and that even ugly guys get laid too.
The worst part about beeing a old virgin is the constant fear of loneliness. My family is dying and im confronted with having no support net in my mid 30s onwards. Having suicidal ideations over this