"I'm 28 and I have 0 Dating Experience, how do I start?"
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- čas přidán 9. 06. 2021
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#dating #relationships #datingadvice
this is like starting a job. I need experience to get a job and I need a job to get experience.
But you can lie here lol
@@Shadow77999 Most people I know lied when they had no work experience.
@@Shadow77999 Yes, but be prepared with beliveable excuse if you have no experience in kissing, sex or both.
Welcome to life.
Apply for a regular job. That's why there called entry level
30 years old, never been on a date. Got my first one scheduled for Thursday, wish me luck boys!
Good luck homie!! Props for doing something new and scary
how'd it go?
Yay! How was it? Did you have fun?
Update?
You don’t need luck. Be yourself, have boundaries, have fun. You need to filter out people and don’t drop your standards just because that person is very good looking.
At the same time we need to stop bullying and making fun of people who are late on the dating scene
Won't happen. Even my mom makes fun of me, FeelsBadMan
@@MelficeN7 Sadge
Sounds good, doesn't work. We also tried to stop rape and murder from happening, yet that happens all the time. We can't dictate other people's actions.
@@omnissiah7247 bad comparison
@@gustav5852 Then explain. Just stating it's bad doesn't hold any meaning or value.
"Why would someone [logic their way out of being attracted to someone]?" Some people don't want to feel vulnerable and as soon as it seems like someone might get to know them better, they will push them away.
That's is really coincidential but 30 minutes ago I talked to a girl that said the exact same thing and now I don't know what to do. I gave her space and time to think about it but I guess I have to wait.
Oh yeah baby, that's me!
@@sgtjuju2389 It's really tough! I'm still struggling with it myself. I hope she comes around. :)
I've done this multiple times in the last 6 months and one of the girls called me out on it
god this punched me in the face lmao, i ALWAYS rationalized all my attractions as just momentarily, and that no one truly ever wants me- fuckin wack
If you don't like yourself, just don't fall in the "if I manage to trick someone into liking me, I'll stop hating myself" mentality. It doesn't work.
Yep, you just end up hating yourself more
This needs to be pinned. Like NAO. For the love of every deity in existence this needs to be pinned.
Fuck me, I'll literally be a top tier patron on this channel for one month to try to get this one comment pinned on this one video because pretty much 95% of anyone whose love life sucks or who is not satisfied with their love life needs to see it.
I love myself. Others don't like me. What do you say about that?
Damn this hit me kinda hard right now ngl
Actually for many people it works wonders, because there are many many other folks out there doing the same.
It just never gets you into good relationships.
woah i got called out AND got my questions answered god bless
Yooo, it’s the homie
Dr. K's entire channel in a nutshell right here lmao
@@realm4677 HIIIIIIIIIIIII REAAAAAAAAAALM!!
@@chromatika67 Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :3
@@realm4677HI HOMIE I HOPE U R WELL!!
I feel this. I've always had pretty severe social anxiety which has always held me back from actually trying to date, the longer it goes on the more that lack of experience weighs on me. I'm 25 now and I've never been on a date
Like Dr. K said, it's all about intentional practice. You'll probably fail and be awkward at the first few dates you'll have, but it's fine man. As long as you actually put in the effort to improve and not make the same mistakes over again, you'll be fine. :D
@@joshuapatrickmejos6465 but how do you “practice”?
@@RebelOfTheWorld by starting. Go talk to people. Get out of your comfort zone. Try what works and what doesn't.
In this case you want to be in a relationship. Start talking to people you like. Improve your wardrobe. Invest in good perfumes. The important thing is to START. You'll probably fail the first few times, but just keep on improving, you'll eventually find someone and develop a deep relationship with them.
@@joshuapatrickmejos6465 i think the hardest part for me is the talking. Like what do you even say?
24 almost 25 here, same
I'm 22 and never dated anyone. I've been working on myself and doing pretty well so I might actually put myself out there. Wish me luck
Go get em gigachad
Good luck! It's tough and has its ups and downs, remember you're worthy whether you have a date/girlfriend or not! Show your best self and women will notice.
Had my first girlfriend when I was 23 last year. You're never too late brother. Best of luck. When it happens, it happens. Just enjoy the experience and make others happy.
I wouldnt consider 22 a late starting point by any means. Sure it might be later than 50-80% of the populace, but you still have a lot of youth time ahead, and in case it gets particularly tough, you still have an access to a pool of 18 year olds who are just as unexperienced as you are being just few years younger.
how was it?
I don't think you're ever truly ready. You're just ready enough to try and make it work.
Sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong. But having someone who understands that goes a long way when you make slipups. You want a compatible and willing partner that you believe in.
The willingness to grow and learn is far more important than prior knowledge or experience. For me, I took some time to reflect and to look at why my relationships failed in the past and the type of relationship I wanted. I then started working towards that and I was very clear about this with my girlfriend when we first met.
She's my teammate, and we grow together. It's the most beautiful relationship I've ever had.
Well said. The reflection process is really important, also the give and take
100% agreed. Communication and both of you willing to grow, learn and commit to making it work no matter what are the most important thing.
Dr. K: "Think less, experience more."
Wife: "In your pants."
I lost it there. That was hilarious!
if only it was that ez clap....
07:35
She’s literally admitting it’s all about looks
@@neolevi6 for some people it is, and there's nothing wrong with that! if you know what you like, you go out and look for it. whether or not you find it is a different question; then you have to figure out what to do next: do I keep looking for this or do I adjust a little bit?
@@neolevi6 No she's not. Sexual attraction, especially for women, can be triggered by things other than looks. This seems to be hard for a lot of men to understand.
"Intellectual and romantic attraction don't matter if there isn't sexual attraction." As an asexual guy it really hurts to hear things like that. I know that's something most people are looking for out of a relationship and that it's much harder to find a relationship if you don't experience sexual attraction, but to be told straight up that you shouldn't even bother really sucks.
I got a question because I’ve never met someone who was asexual, what is it that you want in a relationship as an asexual? Because I feel like a relationship is friendship but with sex, so without it it’s just a good friendship, no?
A partner, in my mind at least, is a best friend you also sleep with.
@@TeppiaxD what you're describing isn't a romantic partner, it's a friend with benefits. So before I go any farther I'd like to hear your thoughts on this: do you think there's a difference between a girlfriend/wife and a fuck buddy or friend with benefits? If so, what is that difference? If you can answer that, that's what I would say is the difference between a friend and a romantic partner for me
If you are in a relationship, I suggest you never tell your partner that you view them as just a friend you have sex with.
@@SirPhysics I don’t and never have done friends with benefits and I don’t have sex with people unless I have a deep attachment to them, I think we are having a disconnect in what we view sex as. I say a gf or wife is a friend I have sex with because to me a friend is not something I consider lightly. I have 3 friends in my life, which are people I trust and love with all my heart and have know for multiple years. People I meet are acquaintances until we have a deep bond I consider friendship.
I say a wife is a friend because like I said before a friend is someone I truly do love with all my heart and trust explicitly, the only difference to me between my gf and my friend is that my gf is someone who wants to have a sexual relationship with me and in that case I am strictly monogamous and committed, which is why I’ve only had 2 girlfriends in my life the only 2 people I’ve ever had sex with. Everything I would do with my girlfriend I would do with my friends expect sex. Which is why I asked the question.
@@TeppiaxD Though I am not asexual, I am closer to demi-sexual, I think I can shed a bit of light on this topic. Do take this with a grain of salt as I am not an expert on this topic, and basing this purely off my own experience and knowledge of the topic.
Think of it like this sexual attraction is the physical level of attraction, your ability to get attracted to people based on looks. When you are initially attracted to someone sexually it is generally based on their physical appearance, which is typical in most people, and you have a subconscious desire to have sex with them.
Asexuals do not feel this initial physical attraction the same way and subsequent subconscious desire to have sex with who they are attracted to, and as a result sex is usually the last thing on their mind if at all. Asexual people have little to no interest in sex, also tend to not get anything out of the act, if they ever attempt it.
In my personal experience, I don't really experience sexual attraction at all, instead I get attracted to people by spending time with them and experiencing how they make me feel emotionally, I am romantically attracted to people. My view on sex is I have no interest in it, but am willing to participate if my partner is into it, this is generally called demi-sexual.
In essence, someone who is asexual or demi-sexual defines a partner as someone who they share a very deep emotional connection to. The difference between close friends and partners is the level of connection between you and the other person. The best way to put it is this: Putting sex aside, there are things you would only do with your partner that would never do with your closest friend.
Sex in of itself can be done without sexual, romantic, or any other form or attraction. For some it is a bonding experience, for others, like myself, it is purely for procreation and nothing more.
I hope that makes sense, and I apologize for it being so long winded.
@@misssniperella no your good, I’ve heard about demi sexuality while online and never looked further but I’m pretty sure I’m on that same boat. The idea of one night stands and or random sexual exploits don’t seem appealing to me, actually the opposite I find it gross. And for me to be sexual with a person I need a deep sense of trust, something I would get with a close friend.
I think that’s why I equated a friend with a sexual partner. Before I have sex with someone I would need a close bond like I would have with my best friend, I think this is why I stayed a virgin for so long because I needed such a close bond with someone for that to happen.
0 dating experience, turning 29, used to be depressed and self conscious about my inability of attracting people. But I think something just clicked along the way and now I don't care about it at all. I think I'll be fine even if I don't find someone as I grow older. Maybe I've accepted that it's just not the kind of experience everyone gets to have.
King shit.
Never give up man. You will never find the partner you desire unless you try. Never stop trying.
Chad.
cope, you know you want it but can't get it, men have no other purpose than to find a spouse and reproduce, its hardwired into our brains
That’s exactly how it is not everybody gets to get married and have kids I’m in the same boat as you it’s tough to accept but it is how it is
33 and in same situation. It sucks. But I totally agree with jumping in AND working on yourself because no one is ever 'ready'
Yeah like this also works with career changes, life decisions, all that 😂😂
I'm 31 and never was kissed. I was a shy insecure kid growing up who was bullied by a bunch of degenerates. And had some health issues related to anxiety and stomach.
I hope you are ok! Never lose hope. I am almost in the same situation as you but in my case, I have social anxiety and depression but I never lost hope. I wish you luck in finding a great partner.
So as a woman attracted to shy guys, it's okay you're shy. It's also kinda cute. Just find ways to work on your traumas and don't trauma dump, you'd be okay ;)
Checked your pic and found you got a really nice smile! A cute guy like you who warms up random people on internet is a total keeper! The universe must have your person ready, on its way of delivery!! 🫶
I’d like to bring up that what messes up dating for some people is like interpreting peoples relationships and teasing them. My friends have grown up in a high school community where if you are friends with the opposite sex, they automatically assume or jump the question on if they are dating or like each other. And a lot of people end up together and breaking up. There have been a lot of dramatic breakups and couples that I’ve heard about. There are some strong ones out there not to only focus on the negatives.
But what I’m saying is that relationships should be by your choice and come and go at your own pace and not be controlled by others around you. Liking someone is something you can only recognize with a lot of effort communication with your friends and the one you think you like. As long as you both communicate and voice your feelings and concerns you’ll find someone to share your love with
if youre too ugly its all over.
As someone who has experience, dating should feel a lot more comfortable if you both share similar interests and chemistry rather than trying to impress someone just to have them attracted to you more.
Yup! If they make it hard for you to the point you have to be the one to jump through hoops just so you "get a chance", they actually really do NOT like you!
I love when his wife is answering things and he's just sitting near her and smiling proudly so cute
The gaming analogies that he makes are clear and easy to understand, it makes everything so clear in my mind, thank you so much Dr. K
I'm 25 and I want to date like a Highschooler, I missed that opportunity in life.
Did I miss out a lot as I am 22 now and never dated before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and never even hugged or kissed a girl in real life. I got rejected very recently by 3 girls( rejected by 7 girls in total so far tho). These 3 girls were all in the same school as me but now in different colleges and we had been chatting on Instagram for months. One of them who is 19 turning 20 in August even agreed to meet up after I asked her out few weeks ago but she blocked me mysteriously after few days whereas another girl blocked me immediately after I asked her out. 5 days ago I tried asking out another girl who is 20 now and we had been chatting on Instagram for 2-3 months but she rejected me saying that even though I am really nice, she just isn't comfortable to meet up with me and it hit me hard.
But there is still some hope as I asked out my childhood friend too who is 21 now turning 22 after 3-4 months. We were very close friends when we were in elementary school in 2008-2011. But she isn't that active on Instagram so she still didn't see that message in which I asked her out so still no reply yet. I am still waiting for her reply and hoping a positive reply as I genuinely like her a lot but idk.
@@manosijroy8282STOP POSTING THIS SHIT
Same. I wanted to live the casual sex, hook-up and ONS lifestyle. But here I am at 26 kissless virgin. Most of my friends and people my age are already settling down after years of dating and fun. And no woman wants a guy in his 30s. Since most of them prefer to settle down with a guy their own age.
Don't worry about experience. First time I made out with a girl I did 10 minutes of research on dating forums and she thought I was the most experienced guy she had ever been with. If you just lookup basic advice your gonna be better than most men.
Yeah, this is kind of what Dr. K was alluding to. If you just understand basic decency like communication, compassion, empathy, etc, you'll be in the top percentile of men in the dating pool regardless of experience.
@Elite400 i agree, as an incel- its all about looks.
Well cool that it worked for you on the first try, but for most guys it will be a long ass struggle. Which should be said right from the start not to give false ideas.
@@MsSomeonenew the false idea is why it works. Dating is mostly about confidence. U should go into it thinking ur better than u actually are.
Obviously keep expectations low so u don't get upset at rejection. Because it happens a lot but if u keep that air of confidence when u finally get with a girl she is more likely to actually stay.
But going into it with a negative mindset and thinking about how much u will struggle will lead to you struggling more.
It's easier said than done I guess.
@@dmanzawsome most dudes don't get laid bro. The statistics even show a quarter of men under 30 are virgins
Okay, thats literally what I need RIGHT NOW. Lets goo Dr. K
I love that, 6 months- 1 year of deliberate practice and learning from your mistakes and you can catch up to someone whos spent years upon years dating. 15 years of dating experience mean nothing if you keep repeating the same mistakes and never learning from them. Which is interesting, many of the same things I originally thought I was bad at, I caught up pretty quickly in 3-6 months of doing that thing(wasn't dating but work experience and my license). The key is exposure to that environment long enough to learn.
Thanks Dr K. That's a very good advice, not only for dating, but in general, just because your peers have being doing something for the past 10 years it does not mean you'll need 10 years to catch up. If you're dedicated enough you can catch up even in a year. That was a stupid mental block that I had in my brain, and now I feel a lot more relieved.
It's amazing seeing how impactful this line is. Hope you're already progressing through your life carrying this mentality with you wherever you go!!
This video is very encouraging. I had an awful childhood and I feel just as set back being 27 and a half and never having a girlfriend or sex. I’m looking to turn over a new leaf for sure. I need to hear stuff like this.
Also never had a gf, same age. We'll get there soon dw.
seeking a girlfriend just to sleep with them wont really get you anywhere, theres a reason why westerners (especially americans) have the highest divorce rates and most dysfunctional families, due to their promiscuity/infidelity, seek a girlfriend because you really love the person and want to get married with them, like this sexual intimacy becomes meaningful and valuable as well
I think men feel more inadequate than women do about 0 sex exp. To date in the first place is a big challenge, so sex is a very small part in most relationships.
@@alejandroramirez4470men are punished for no sex, women are punished for sex. Thats why
I love mr k it helps me cope and get me to start doing things!
been struggling with this forever so thank you. I always have a constant battle in my head whether I like someone or not, but I think I just need to go for it and get to know them better.
You should go for it. You will never know until you try.
Recently got back into online dating after my life started picking back up and recovering what I lost, started to work out again and became stable financially, met this awesome, cute, amazing chick who lives right near me as well which is a big plus for my situation, but, got ghosted in the middle of us hitting it off so now I’m just, at a loss if I wanna just stay on online dating or, kinda go back to digging my head into the ground and just focus on what I got going on in my life career wise.
I very much feel the second dude's question.. When I get somewhat close to some sort of opportunity of relationship, I pretty much everytime reason myself out of even trying something or the outcome of said opportunity is very much weighed down by thoughts battling my emotions.
I relate to the second question so much. This is why i've only ever had a "crush" on like 3 people through my 19 years on earth. And when i do end up liking someone, i end up thinking to myself about the reasons why i like that person, and i usually find those reasons to be "meaningless", either that or i come to the conclusion that the way i feel about that person isn't worth going through all of what i consider to be "social gymnastics" to be with them.I think this is also part of the reason why i'm a virgin, because when i do have sexual feelings toward someone, i end up coming to the conclusion that it's not worth pursuing for just a couple minutes of sexual pleasure, that may or may not end up hurting me or the other person emotionally. And so as a result of this thought pattern, my feelings towards that person just dissipates. I do think that i think this way because i'm a relatively shy and introverted person and so my mind tries to "logic" my feelings away because i guess i'm afraid of rejection or being humiliated or something. Sometimes i wish i could just delete all sexual, and romantic feelings. My life would be so much easier lol.
You just explained what I did to myself when I was your age and still sadly do, lol. It's kindof a self imprisonment in a way. But on the positive side I see it as preserving it for my future partner. If that counts as valid haha
Well first of, you're only 19, no offence but you're literally still a kid, so don't stress about it too much. Whatever social pressure you feel in regards to getting into a relationship or losing virginity is totally meaningless and trust me, you'll understand that all too well when you get older. Just talk to girls man, that's it. You don't need to have a "crush" on them or anything, just strike up conversations, make them laugh, learn things about them. Most of the time it will go nowhere at all, sometimes they'll become friends, and when that happens, you can go the extra step and ask them out, if you want to. Hell, sometimes they'll be the ones to make the first move on you. It's not very difficult, you just need to "get yourself out there" as everyone says. And if you're going to college, it makes things even easier because you'll have tons of opportunities to strike up conversations with them.
@@zeroone2136 Yeah i get that i'm really young and all, but i'm about to be a senior in college and i feel like i haven't taken advantage of my time in college to experience some things. It's not social pressure i'm feeling (because the few friends i have are also very similar lol), it's more that i'm a bit afraid of being alone forever ig, so that worries me a bit. Although i do feel that i can manage with being alone as i tend to like being alone most of the time. If i had to give a number i'd say that i like being alone about 75% of my time. With that being said, i really don't want to be alone all the time for the rest of my life lol. Also i have really bad social anxiety, and it's so difficult for me to approach people and start conversations (this pandemic has weakened my already weak social skills). On top of that, i really do not like parties at all or most forms of social gatherings for that matter. My aversion to these things i feel really worsens my fear of being alone because people usually meet each other through these social avenues. (Just to be clear, i'm 19 and will be a college senior this upcoming fall because i graduated high school early).
@@ludwigvanbeethoven3896 Yo Ludwig you should be decomposing by now lol. In all seriousness though, it really does feel like self-imprisonment. On one hand i do want to be in a relationship, but on the other hand i feel like my feelings are a burden and that it's meaningless to try to be in a relationship. I find it far more easier to just dismiss those feelings i have.
@@Scriabinfan593 well as far as I've read the comments to this video, I guess we people are very similar. We like being alone most of the time and that's one major reason contributing to our 'what if' in terms of looking to the future. I already graduated college without entering into any relationship because I was not mature enough to pursue any relationships (at least that's what I like to think) I'm 23 bdw. I think focusing on personal improvements, goals and interests will keep you occupied and likely attract people who like you for you.
Logic-ing my way out of feelings is something I’m 100% guilty of doing. I often wonder what was the starting point of all of this, one day I hope to talk to a specialist and figure it out together
I really appreciate this. I'm 2 years older than the first guy and had no hope for it whatsoever. But recently a few things happened and you saying I can catch up in a relatively short time kinda makes me go "Maybe I can do this after all."
How are you doing now?
"Just start dating" great answer, doesn't help. Don't even know how to meet people anymore, dating apps suck the girls on there only swipe on the top 1% of giga chads (and I keep seeing the same girls on the app for months that are clearly not finding dates but still not swiping back on me). So what do I do just hit on girls at the store or go to bars by myself (that feels weird, esp since I don't really drink)? I would love to start dating, I just don't know how. I have everything in life except love, and it's making my life feel worthless.
Join a club that interests you or a forum that focuses on share interests. Great bonding takes place over shared interests so.
Advice from internet stranger coming up
You can't force relationships to happen so don't go out of your way to try to make them happen. Instead focus on yourself and being happy by yourself, dating can come after that.
Now you might ask "how is that supposed to help me find a girlfriend" and to that I refer you to Beethovens answer, join clubs, social gatherings, official arrangements whatever interests you, where you can be you and just have a good time while also meeting new people.
" dating apps suck the girls on there only swipe on the top 1%"
Sounds like you are using Tinder or Bumble, if you are serious about wanting a relationship and not just hooking up - use more in depth dating sites that are based on personality traits like OkCupid, or attend co-ed events for hobbies/interests you like.
If you don't have any hobbies, well I suggest you figure out some stuff you enjoy doing before trying to find a partner.
(also, fwiw, it's the top 20%, and getting into that club doesn't take much more than simply taking care of your body with exercise and eating healthy)
Approach a girl you find attractive, introduce yourself, ask for the number. If you get the number great, if you don’t who cares move on to the next.
You will become more confident with each approach and rejection will be nothing to you. Rejection is better than regret than seeing a woman you find attractive and you never see her again. Shoot your shot
@@LeKartoffel @froge great follow ups to my suggestion. Being in more social situations will open up your avenues more and more possibilities
When a therapist and his wife discuss something:
"I think there's a very simple answer to this."
"Me too."
"What's yours"?
"What's yours?"
"I asked first, what's yours?
"So answer first"
"Does she turn you on ?" LMAO
"Ladies first, dude."
i read this as I reach that part
That's great
Guy: "How do I start dating"
Dr.K: *Starts rapping about Dota*
27 years and 3 more years and I'll become a wizard!
me too.. :(
life real bad
@@itsreallyhotinmyroom hows that bad? It is not like anything will change after you are 30...........and 3 years are still a long time. Lmao
@@derek4177 I thought the same when I was 20 and thought 7 years was a long time, I blinked and I'm 27 and almost 28, next time I'll wake up I'll be 40 years old loser.
I just hit 30, and have my first three dates lined up this week. Take that however you want.
@@BITCOIlN well, in my opinion the definition of a loser is literally the own mindset. If you are blaming everyone else and see almost everything negative.........yes that is indeed bad.
"The person you attract as your 'best self', I'm not sure is the partner you want". That just changed my entire world view. Thank you.
Most of my life I've felt like not good enough or that i'd focus on a relationship once i'd my own life figured out. This just majorly changed my perspective.
To Ms. K’s question, for me at least, I have feelings for people but logic my way out of it telling myself that i don’t think i could do it. On one hand, i feel maybe even embarrassed about what others might learn about me and feel worried that they might not like me for who I really am. Then i worry about people talking and then everyone kinda avoiding me then
I think it's SO important to know that lots and lots of people have no dating experience in their late 20s and 30s (quite a few even after that), ALL genders! Sadly, talking about that is a taboo in our society (at least in Germany, but I feel it's the same in other countries :( ). So because of all the people talking about their teenage dating life, everyone thinks they are the only one who never had a partner in adult years. It's not uncommon, but it would help to talk about it. I was embarrased in my 20s, but then realized it's nothing to be ashamed of. Got my partner in my mid-30s, but would have been able to lead a happy life without meeting anyone. Your happiness in life does not depend on other people.
That was very nice to read. I'm glad you found somebody and overcame the fear of trying.
Yeah but ur survival sometimes does
A sizable chunk of the peers I went to HS and university with are still unmarried/not settled down (I am in my mid 30s btw)!
sadly, humans are very social by design. We actually do need to meet people to be happy, at least most of us do
This is nice to hear I’m 18 and I don’t want to get a boyfriend till at little later in life I’m not ready but it seems like everyone else already is.
Love the production quality 👏
There is a saying going wild on youtube these days "Don't ask a fish how to fish" but i say different. If you want to date a woman, and you try and you fail, you can ask that woman what you did wrong, and you might get an answer like "you were too obnoxious" or "You tried too hard" or "You complimented me too much and i didnt like that" and you can take these "Negatives" and work on it and then you try again.. and you will find that normally you will have a lot more success this way. but you must be willing to fail if you wish to succeed. and woman arent fish, they are humans just like you its just that they think more then you do, and they will know what you are trying to say even if you don't so they will see through your stuff. and what really really really helps, is self improvement. Never try to be better for one particular woman, but try to be a better you.. for your sake. :)
No it's that women will not give good dating advice to undesirable men, whereas other men are willing to give good dating advice; usually money related.
I think it’s really interesting to see overlap in Mrs K’s response and some of the research I have done in terms of self improvement and trying to build social skills before one reaches a theoretical peak in their career and may start to attract people that want them for all the wrong reasons. Really interesting video
Can you elaborate more?
@@mrdbzfann recently I have tried to get into self improvement in terms of socialization, both in regards to talking with women and generally speaking. Not like PUA, because the goal isn’t strictly to get laid. I want to be able to know that I can healthily socially interact with people so as to be well rounded. Check out More Plates More Dates for his content. He’s mentioned in a few videos how if you just focus on yourself from a career, physical, and materialistic standpoint, that you may eventually attract high quality women, by some metrics. However they may not be what one is looking for, in every sense of the word. The main issue at that point is that they may not be attracted to you for who you are but what you have and this can be psychologically damaging for onesself insofar as one may conflate internally what one is worth based off of what people look into you for. Hence, if you work on ones ability to socialize you may better be able to discern why someone may be interested in you, thus allowing you to create healthier relationships in the future. Hope this clarifies things. Glad you asked!
I've never seen Dr.K so happy, he's literally cheesing the entire time his wife is giving the ultimate interpretation :')
It's wholesome
This is gold! Thanks for your videos! :)
I didn't date in high school because after I explained I had ADHD i was practically avoided as dating material. I wasn't serious but i was very active, i liked to talk but i guess people don't like an energetic teen. So I after sophomore it got worse but it take too long but few girls would and think my ADHD means I got bad Genes. A girl pulled me to the aside and told me the girls know my disorder and thought it be bad for their rep or worried i could bring kids into the world with my issue
Yeah talk about breaking down someone's self-confidence.
I am over it but it really did hurt you know. I mean they say be yourself and I will still do it and I know not everyone will like me but I rather be me then something I am not.
damn that hit hard and that kinda means having a partner that respects the grind who sees you for you and loves you for you who wants to be around you even if you don't have the world yet. Damn i love that. It's true.
I never dated in high school because I was very insecure. I never dated in my first 2 years of uni because I was more focused on studying. I want to date now but my insecurities are getting back in the way :( ik I'm not who I used to be or live where I used to live. I'm not surrounded by the same people anymore so idk why I'm still scared. But guess I'm just gonna rip the bandaid off-
I'm Rooting for you. I think what Dr K said about intention is key. Depending on how anxious it makes you, find someone that is just slightly out of your comfort zone and go out in the world with the intention of doing that. If you find it super scary to talk to strangers, start off by asking a random person if they know where the coffee isle is in the super market. Or ask a stranger on the road for directions to somewhere.
@AkatsukiSasuke923 thank you 🥺 that means a lot
@@jace4817 thank you too🥺 staying in my comfort zone is for sure a problem I have which is hard to fix when your province is still in lockdown- but I'll follow your advice!
I'm 23, been in 2 fairly long form relationships, and have learned a LOT. Biggest thing I've taken away is to foster communication on both sides, and to take it slow.
Great response as always, just the push I needed as well, thanks@
People treat you different the moment they realize you don't have relationship experience.
I wonder if the only thing motivating me to be in a relationship is societal expectations.
@Aaron Burton And after throwing a ball you have baseball experience. Doesn't mean you won't suck at it though.
@Aaron Burton Everybody knows that. That's just a platitude. Doesn't help you overcome the fear of trying.
@Elite400 His advice is literally "Just do it bro". How tf is that solid? How are you guys on a Dr. K video and you don't understand how unhelpful that is?
@Elite400 You have nothing to offer either then. God youtube comments are full of idiots.
@@BitterTast3it's not unhelpful if it works, simple as. Not everything is as complicated to solve as idk depression
Wow, this is literally me. Have lived a very socially isolated life for many years due to anxiety and severe body image issues that over the last few years have been fully resolved basically.. Am super sociable at my new retail job and everyone seems to like me, but I'm fearful of trying to ask out someone who turns out to be in their early 20s and is much younger, but then those in their mid 20s seem to all be taken. My small group of like.. 3 actual 'hanging out' friends are all kinda dorks (I say that with love) who I don't know would really want to go to a bar or something like that... Really no idea where I should go as a single guy. I'm pretty outgoing and am not particularly shy, I can walk up to someone and say some goofy shit just to start an interaction with absolutely no shame. Just not sure where to go. Didn't watch Dr. K's video yet, but am about to now! Maybe I can get some sort of idea because I really do want to meet someone to connect with, want to have a family someday with someone whose company I enjoy and who I've grown to deeply love rather than someone who I just hook up with out of desperation and fear of being/dying alone without my own children or wife. Not that I'd settle, I probably would rather die alone than fall into that situation but.. You get my point, anonymous reader. lol.
I got a tip to look in places where you can find people with similar or same values, like volunteering, etc.
Meeting people based on interests didn't work for me yet.
I didn't have a chance to follow the advice yet because of the c*rona, but I think there is something to it.
As anxious person myself I cannot imagine putting myself on a dating site. Almost 30-year old woman with almost no dating experience on Tinder? Hard pass for me. 😃
That doesn't sound too different from my situation actually x)
It's really hard to find someone imo if you're looking for a female partner and your interests are science and gaming and you're pursuing an engineering career you have a 90% male proportion of people you regularly come in contact with and that's if you're lucky lol.
Currently I have found no better solution than things like online dating.
Also I don't get why dating people in their early 20s is not an option if you're in your mid 20s. Isn't it just a question of if you each like one another and not so much hiw big the age difference is?
Rrrrrr
The second person's post is nearly my situation too, so thanks for addressing it!
Great to know I’m not alone 😔
Hope is all I have, but it’s all I need
One of the fallacies with working on yourself is not realizing that the other party is also a work in progress. You don't have to wait until you're perfect to get a women because women themselves are not perfect. And, if you become the perfect guy and get an imperfect woman you'll just be disappointed and frustrated. Much better to meet each other when you're both imperfect and work on yourselves together, become each other's perfect guy/gal together.
Huh, I never looked at it that way, people can learn how to date in a year and be better than people that started dating at 15 or something. That's a pretty interesting thought, like it is kinda obvious if you think about it but I never saw it like that
Thanks a bunch Dr. K!!!
Funny how I found this video while having these thoughts. 25 years old and have never dated, but I have been reflecting and working on myself to be the best me.
hows it going bro
20 years old, never had a relationship in any capacity. I don't intend to pursue a relationship any time soon because of crippling social anxiety and a ton of personal issues that i need to sort through before I can commit myself to another person fully. I'm also busy with university.
It still feels lonely though. I know realistically I can't have a relationship that magically sorts itself before I'm ready, but I'm just eager to not be alone anymore :(. I guess this could just be more motivation to get through to proper adulthood, sort my shit out sooner you know.
Bro the right person will be there for you, issues and all. If you feel lonely, just do your best to make a ton of friends and the right girl might be one of them. Love yourself and give yourself a chance no matter the circumstances every day.
That's a strange way to define attraction. I can't feel sexual attraction if I don't like their personality. And it takes a lot of time to get to know someone enough to determine if there is any attraction
You might classify as demisexual! I am the same way where I need an emotional and personal connection before I feel sexual attraction
Is this not normal to do this?
@@ABnormalZUCHINI no
It depends for everyone.
Yep... I've been very much attracted to my partner for... 4 years now, I think. Same for him, he recently told me he used to have a little crush on me back when we first met. Immediately struck up a friendship. Became a couple 1.5 years ago. And zero sexual attraction until VERY recently and absolutely fine with it. It just wasn't something we were interested in and it was mutual. Still... A very fulfilling and healthy relationship with plenty of open communication and affection for each other.
It's okay if for some people, secual attraction has to be there right away. But it's not that way for everyone and that's okay as well. It might show up later, after you forged an emotional connection. Or maybe even later. Or maybe never. Asexuality is a spectrum and wherever you personally land on it, it's valid.
Was it me that asked the 3 questions? because it could've been me
I'm 29, never been in a relationship, a part of me believes it was consciously decided and another thinks it was to protect myself, but no more.
I have liked a few women, I have even told them but here is the deal and why I resonated with the last question: I always seem to be attracted to the unattainable i.e one was in a very serious relationship, in fact with a baby on the way and another already has both.
So yeah, self-sabotage all the way.
But why
The commonality is obvious, isn't it? They are in successful relationships, telling you they'd make good partners to someone therefore they should be good partners to you.
From there it is just a matter of finding the fault in that: You aren't the man they are good partners for, you are a different person.
If I had to guess I'd say that you want a serious relationship, which is fairly common at your age. And since it is common you just need to filter for people who share that, which in my view is done by just talking about plans towards the future and finding commonalities there.
Either that or it is a fetish as far as I can figure.
Well, the mind has a craving for familiarity, no matter how bad it is, because it's predictable, it's known. It could be a good start taking a look at your history and seeing if there was someone who was supposed to love you and be available to you, say a parent, a caretaker, a community... And didn't. Childhood experiences can mould our existence in such a way that we keep repeating our behavior until we aknowledge it and intentionally take another path.
So choosing someone who's unavailable may be an attempt of your subconscious to repeat your past, because it knows how to deal with unavailable people.
Once you recognize your pattern, understand what the underlying beliefs move you (e.g. "I'm unlovable", "I only have value for what I do, and not for who I am", "I have to prove my worth wherever I go"...) and question those beliefs, you'll be more willing to take new actions and even change who you're attracted to.
5:02 You probably want a partner that's gonna support your direction for yourself
This line is so good, and many experienced need to realize this, too
1/2 the things I hear on this channel could be straight out of Lateralus. Love it!
I think that it's important to consider that someone can also be aromantic. As in, a person inherently lacking romantic feelings. They may or may not want the things that a romantic relationship entails but, that feeling of romance is nonexistent.
Personality complements sexual attraction. There are girls you may only have sexual attraction to. But there are some girls which you will be attracted to sexually, and you will realise that you also like their personality, and then also you’ll realise their personality increases your attraction towards them.
I actually love what she said about how if you grow and grow and are at your best the partners you might attract might not even be the ones you want, sometimes it's good to have someone who can help you grow
I relate hard to the second question asker and I don't think i necessarily agree with the answer in the video. You CAN have underlying issues or anxieties toward sex and relationship, of course, but you can just as likely be on the asexual spectrum! I identify as asexual and question my romantic attraction. I'm 21 years old and I've never felt sexually attractive toward anyone. I had close connection to people before, but it never felt right to call it a romantic relationship either. Just like Gnomy said, I also feel attracted to certain people, but when I think about it more in-depth I feel like I don't really want any kind of relationship with them other than platonic. The more I did my own research into types of attraction and ace community in general, the more I started to understand that it's most likely just an aesthetic attraction.
I think that her reply on the last part was quite effed up. Romantic attraction doesn't mean anything without sexual attraction? Feel it in your pants??? No way, there's a reason we conceptually split them up, and it's not because one is inherently better than the other, they're completely different. People who get into quick hookups definitely feel the sexual attraction but not the romantic one, and one can feel strong romantic attraction of a long time friend without much emphasis on the sexual part, if at all in the case of asexual spectrum.
Wtf man, I've only been stewing on these two exact questions for, idk, years now.
Though I guess I've got the added question now of "if Im not sure Im really feeling sexual attraction as opposed to aesthetic/intellectual attraction, how do I know I'm not just asexual?" added in.
But goddamn these were pretty on target for me w h e w
I think its an exercise in futility to try and label attraction. The only thing you need to figure out is if you want to see that person again. You don't have to evaluate if they are the best person for you, just one meeting at a time. And if you find someone you always want to see one more time, you have found the love of your life
I'm working through the same thing right now, too. And it's not about "labeling" myself, as people like to assume. It's about trying to figure out more of my needs in order to cut through some of the online dating BS. I'm disabled and do not have the energy to meet a bunch of dudes in person. It's an instant turnoff when I get complimented on my looks- borderline revulsion, if I'm honest. I believe that I may be demisexual; someone who has physical attraction only after they become attracted to someone's personality. Knowing that can be valuable so you can know more of what you like. And I'm prepared that I might be looking for a long time, but hopefully it will be worth it.
ah yes 5Head :wine_glass:
Don't wait for the best. She'll never come.
Asexuality is a spectrum anyway, and often it requires time and a little bit of trial and error to figure out. And it may change quite a bit with different people or simply time.
I've had a fair bit of experience with relationships by now, more than 15 years combined, I think? And I still don't know whether I'll feel sexual attraction for someone I meet, often even when I'm already in a relationship with them. Sometimes it just shows up. Sometimes it doesn't... In my book, it doesn't really matter though. The only thing that matters is talking openly and honestly with each other and making sure that the relationship is fulfilling for everyone involved. And it's 100% possible to have a happy, fulfilling relationship without sexual attraction, been there, done that^^
About 2 years ago, I managed to have my first date at age 24. She's the one who has invited me and I was caught off guard lol. I stressed myself too much about it prior to our date. What if I f this up? What if she won't like me? etc. But it turns out it's not so bad. We dated a few times more.
finally a video just for me
In my case, self-resentment makes me feel that wanting a relationship is vain. "I can't get into dating unless it factors into my master plan to save the universe". It's like I'm not allowed to have fun anymore. And I end up binge watching movie reviews anyway, even though that doesn't help the "master plan" either!
For someone to say, work hard at it intentionally to get better at dating. It is not time, it is dedicated work. That is fucking amazing. Everyone told me that was cringe, I did it anyways and got great results. Its super hard, probably one of the hardest things ever (as I was very socially awkward). This guy is great!
Glad I never had to date because dates just sound so dumb to me. My approach was to make friends first and maybe among those friends I will find a partner. Worked like a charm.
I tried that. All it did was make me lose good friends
@@diegomo1413 my point was: if I can't even be friends with someone then I can't imagine being their romantic partner. I see it as a one step further fom frienship. Otherwise how do you even fall in love with someone if you don't know them well enough and don't feel comfortable together?
@@diegomo1413 You don't have answer if you don't want to, but what happened that made you not friends with them anymore? I figured that seeing someone as a potential partner would only strengthen a relationship, even if they only stay friends.
9:35 Answer to Kruti's question... the age old "it's complicated"... sometimes attraction gets you into trouble... One of those things where you really need to hear the personal story and get individualized context to Doctor K's point.
Damn Mrs. K hit it out of the park with that first one!
"Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanent" And yeah he can catch up.
ive swapped out getting the peacock suit to attract mates and now found my real skill is juggling on a bike while wearing a PP costume
so far im enjoying peoples look of amazement and terror 😂❤️
sweet Video Luv it
26 but month out from 27 and single! Laugh out loud thank you for the great advice! I like your content!👍🏻👍🏻
I'm 26, went out with at least 30 girls between 19-23. I feel like i still don't have experience, i only know how to get them to come home with me. It ruined my last relationship, sure we slept together, but i think it changed how she saw me.
Intelligent people are idiots when it comes to this stuff. The more you think about it the more it leads to passivity. You don't become more attracted to someone by reasoning through it. The thinking is us just trying to debunk what we feel (not attracted enough, not attracted in every way, etc). The only times I've been successful was when I just went for it.
I do acknowledge it is hard to ignore ones own thinking. I'm struggling with it right now. There is always the risk of rejection and we tend to want to avoid that, but we need to realize that that risk won't go away. If you want the results you'll have to go for it and be open to failure.
It's like being afraid of you're elo dropping when you're playing ranked + when you're playing for real + on your main account+ you will be judged directly in real time + this game sucks + I'm getting grief+ 6 consoles
Golden advice, will follow. Thank you.
Omg I absolutely love their interactions 😂😂
Excellent timing. I think that my boyfriend's gonna dump me, or if not I'm gonna dump him, because I can't live like this anymore. I'd like to have someone to the end of my days, who would love, appreciate me and not just treat me like a househelp. As a introvert who hates going places and meeting new people and having big attachment issues since a baby this whole dating thing will be a nightmare. And there's still covid. My recurring depression episodes aren't helping either. I guess I'm gonna die alone...
Youre a woman, presumably? So just use online dating AKA EASY STREET like a normal-ass woman.
I'm 25 years old and I've never been on a date. There were few crushes that I had in the past and I loved one of them so badly for almost 2 years. Unfortunately those crushes were the worst people that you could imagine. After that, I think I'm afraid of getting hurt. That's why it's even harder for me to even think of a date than before.
Bro idk if you want to hear this but date anyways. We’re all going to get hurt if we’re not already wounded. I was in similar shoes and the only thing that freed me was dating around with all kinds of people, not just the ones I necessarily had a crush on. In fact, the ones that I ending loving the hardest and got hurt the most by were the ones I wasn’t even attracted to in the beginning. I don’t regret it, those experiences taught me how worthy I am of being loved. You can do better, just give yourself a chance,roll with the punches and you’ll soon find out it’s worth the risk.
@@themodernotaku thanks bro for sharing your experience. ✌👍 I really appreciate that. At the end of the day, you have to have courage for everything you want to do.
His intentional practice advice works for most skills in life. For example, if you want to change your career when you are 30 it is entirely possible if you practice with serious motivation and effort.
The advice of "Just put yourself out there".... Like, I have bro, I haven't gotten any takers.
For the past few years I havent been looking at all, and the result is just not finding anything either. I’m 33 now and I’m not gonna do nothing until im 50 because ‘itll just happen when you dont look’ because it wont, that tactic only works if youre conventionally attractive in the first place. Ill have to work for it and keep trying and thats what im gonna do
A big problem I faced being late was how I knew nothing about dating and women my age had roughly 15 years experience. It’s like being a level 1 n00b and wanting to hang with the people running Molten Core. They will either ignore you because you aren’t worth their time or they will hang with you cause you’re the cute newbie, give you advice but you’re still on your own. And no one your age is a level 1 n00b so forming a party for xp is near impossible.
At this age, EVERYONE is running MC or BWL or whatever high level raid. Fack!
33 and been on a date once I guess? Grew up with severe social anxiety until I was about 28, left me cynical and struggling hard to find any interest in hobbies or social gathering. Did get a dog a few years ago which led to me talking to people more.
More power to you! Similar spot and timeline myself. I really broke out of it with some accidental help from my coworkers. They were super social ladies with a lot of interests, learned a lot from them. Really demystified women for me lol.
It's tough not having dating experience, but what does that say about people who have been dating in-and-out of relationships for all their life?
Granted, many people have different completely valid reasons for dating for several years and still not being married. Such as lengthy, toxic relationships that end with infidelity or some other stuff.
Will watch this in a year. Brb
I'd like to add one thing:
I dont think the dating experience we make at lets say 16/ 17 years old, is what is going to help us later in life with mature relationships. Like for me personally, i simply wasnt mature enough at the age of 17 when i started dating. And i didnt really learn a thing on how to have a healthy relationship even tho i was hopping from one relationship to the other.
For me it took me getting to a certain age (somewhere in my mid twentys) to actually learn what a good healthy relationship is about. So i dont think you necesseraliy ,,lose,, anything when starting to date at a higher age, because you dont learn shit in your teens, when it comes to dating anyways.
Sorry, english is not my first language, hope it still made a little bit of sense!
"intentionally do" what exactly? What does "put yourself out there" actually mean? Out where? and how do you "put" yourself wherever that is? What is the exact first step and what is the second and third?
Exactly
Dudes just giving vague nonsensical advice that appeals to kids with brainrot from tiktok
this video is focusing on specifically about how to differentiate between sexual and intellectual attraction
youre in the wrong video
Go to a local organization/club that you have a legitmate intrest in. Go every week for a year.
Things will change
@@WeinerDefenderMission failed, man are several times more in the clubs I went to, than women.
I'm only 22 and really struggle getting dates, that's my biggest issue. Everyone at this age isn't settled and are too busy it seems. Or they already have a partner. At my workplace I work with mostly girls and get on great with everyone, or at least as far as I know they like me too, but anyway, there's been a lot of people in and out and every single one has had a partner. It's just really tough to find the opportunities for practice
Unfortunately that only gets worse with age. I'm 33 and the only person in my entire department at work who isn't married. I like his message that it's never too late to start and I agree that lack of experience isn't necessarily a problem, but it's the truth that it gets significantly harder to meet new people as you get older.
3:56 text communication is 100x easier than verbal. Being able to write a great paragraph doesn't mean they are any good at communicating in person. It took me 5 minutes to write these 3 sentences because I kept deleting and changing things.
I'm 27 and had one girlfriend. I've been single for over 6 years now and haven't had any success in getting a new girlfriend or dating in general. In my observation, a few reasons why I haven't found a girlfriend yet is because I don't have my life together, I'm not 6 feet tall and anytime a nice girl comes and shows interest in me, I'm obvious to her advances.
Thank you for the video. Do you know why English speakers, native and non-native, say 'like' every other sentence? Do you register doing it or is it unconsciously? In my language (Dutch) we also have a similar things with 'echt' (really) and 'gewoon' (just). I register saying it but still keep saying it.
tbh it's possibly just a lot of English slang, it is SUCH a common word in everyday use just happen to say it all the time
I love the music at the beginning...what's the name? I'd love to meditate to this.
The intro instrumental is so nice
Just generally I was a bit shocked at how they dismissed his age as if it doesn't matter. Unless you get into a good relationship (or just one with "anyone") and have a baby ASAP you're going to be 40 years old by the time your child is 10. That is not a good place to be for either of you.
Nevermind all the stuff the guy is actually worried about at the moment, such as the sheer inexperience and the expectations of the potential women in his age bracket. They just assume that experience doesn't matter but what the data shows is the men who get a lot of dates are the guys women want and the ones that don't, obviously, are the ones they don't want. It's really that simple. The fact he has no dates at this age means no woman showed interest. He has been failing at dating since day 1. According to their own logic, he's already going to be stuck at his current level for the rest of his life.
What I have noticed is that generally this guy does nothing but positive motivational speaking. Right or wrong he is never willing to tell someone when they're doomed and need to find some way to cope with the loss.
Its not helpful to tell people to give up and Dr.K doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.
"No woman has shown an interest". Maybe it's that no woman he's attracted to has shown an interest.
It's a little bit ot, but for me (i'm 23) i seem to be very good at "making friends" but not "date" if that makes any sense. I don't have a problem talking to girls for example, and more often than not we have a very good time, but it usually ends up not working out as a "romantic relationship". I've tried changing my approach a few times, but i just feel uncomfortable and it isn't fun or enjoyable at all. Being myself is when i feel the happiest and also when i have a great time. Sometimes i think about this whole "dating/gf" thing, but maybe i'm "destined" to not have a gf but a lot of friends? Or is this whole thinking about potentially missing out a sign that i want to build something, even if i'm very happy when we become "friends"? I don't know. I've been in love 1 time, and that feeling man. It was awesome. *Sry for long text, but it's interesting imo.
No one is destined to anything. I have been single for 1 decade; recently found a girlfriend about 4,7km away, that's about 6 countries away or an 8h flight. We hit it off pretty quick and are pretty similar personality, hobbies and sexually wise.
Maybe the people around you aren't the right people for you, broaden your horizon. Also if you like someone more than just as a friend; tell them, don't play games.
You need more Rollo Tomassi in your life.
His chat is fantastic comedy gold
I wish I would have had stricter parents to guide me or someone to give me advice and not just publicly humiliate me about my choices in school and leave me mentally fcked up
I wouldn't say that I need stricter parents in order for me to able to grow as a person who knows my worth, have strong self confidence and self reliant. Strict parents wont help me become that. But those who are compassionate, responsible, sensible and wise. Those who I can look up to, trust, rely and I can follow, hold their hands and teach me things, if I do this, it will give such result etc. Too much of authority or too dismissive, both arent good for child mental development, that's what I believe.
It's alright, if you didn't have all those back then, you can start nurturing yourself now. You can rely on yourself to become better.
@@cursedwaffle When I say strict parents I mean more structure. I could really do what I wanted and never was told "go to art club" or "get a hobby" or "learn this instrument". I do well with instruction
Re-parent yourself. Jordan Peterson / Rollo Tomassi / Brianna Mac William (search on youtube) this will cover a few bases. Along with Dr K