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The Female Covert Narcissist
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- čas přidán 18. 08. 2024
- In today's video Jill explains the top behaviors and traits of the Female Covert Narcissist.
Jill Wise, otherwise known as The Enlightened Target, is a life long survivor of narcissistic abuse. She was raised by a malignant narcissist and married to a malignant narcissist, she has endured years of parental alienation, has repeatedly been targeted by narcissists throughout her life. She has an intimate understanding of all aspects of narcissistic abuse and Cptsd. She uses her experience and what she has learned to help educate others and bring awareness to narcissistic abuse. She is also a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and works with clients all over the world heal from the trauma of narcissistic abuse, parental alienation and Complex Ptsd.
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1. Victimhood.
2. Hypersensitivity to criticism.
3. Exaggerated and phony empathy.
4. Blames and shames others.
5. Withholds love, affection and attention.
6. Has loyal/vicious 'flying monkeys'.
7. Uses her sexuality to manipulate.
3 I'd add no empathy if useless for her agenda or her social image
AKA NUT JOB
My older sister in a nutshell. Went no contact a year ago - no more drama!
It took me 14 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didn’t know she was a narcissist back then. I didn’t even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasn’t faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battles…. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasn’t up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it. Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll be home in an hour.” “Good!” I replied. “I’ll be waiting!” Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes. Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because that’s when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didn’t share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasn’t in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. That’s when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didn’t know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldn’t have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier. Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narc; send a request to: BarryInvestigation@gmail. com
Yo this comment just gave me a piece of hope back and I forgot what it felt like. I thought I was losing my fuckin mind and I am 1000% sure that I am not now.. I emailed that Barry guy I hope he will get back to me soon.. if anything, is there a way that maybe you and I can have a conversation about my situation if possible? I would so truly and greatly appreciate the insight
Thank you in advance, and congratulations and reclaiming your life man
@@slimfitgreg2187 sure.
If they apologize they say I'm sorry you feel that way.
My narc ex girlfriend said literally the same thing.
Oh my god yes. What the hell.
for my ex it was sorry im not enough for you, not sorry i haven't called you for 2 weeks
Before That Female Narcissist will apologize , She will say " Apologize about what . " 😑
If i've ever done anything to you, i'm sorry.
I love the silent treatment. My family member who is a narcissist has implemented the silent treatment. Jokes on her cause I love it
Laura lulu same!
@@CWdudeyo why should I miss hearing about what a "fat unmotivated bitch" I am everyday? I have finally gotten peace, it is nice
@Devin Carter I think it is supposed to hurt my feelings but it doesnt. She can't really offer me anything cause she doesnt have empathy
@Devin Carter thank you I am done with their abuse and narcissists love to abuse. I worked with her for a long time because she is my sister but no longer. I cut ties when she spat in my face and shoved me down. Easy to do cause had just gotten a steroid treatment and I have MS
@Devin Carter thank you I try to warn people narcissists aren't just self absorbed they can and do get violent. She was trying to manipulate me and maybe it was the steroids but I didnt take the bait. She told me " you're not my sister! You have never been!" I smirked and said " I love you." That made her lose it
Fake empathy is a huge sign...fake concern the fake crying....its not human to treat abuse someone and then blame them for being treated so badly...I'm happy I have opened my eyes and realize these people are out there and love to play the victim while hurting people...Then they go to church and pray at every meal disgusting creatures...Stay strong and love yourself...
So true! The projection is so real with these types 😡😡😡
Oh yes ,they are dangerous souls,,Run!
What sucks is that I’m constantly being criticized for things. I apologize, I change what I can, and still feel like I am walking on egg shells.
WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. EXACTLY
Stop apologizing and get away from this person. They will NEVER change, they NEVER loved you, and they will NEVER treat you with love and respect.
Stop simping. Fight back.
You're not a simp dude. Fighting back will get you nowhere. I am a very aggressive male. I run a big company and I raise three small boys on my own. I've spent over 30 years in high level sales and I read people for a living. It took me six and a half years to figure out that the girl that I was with was a covert narcissist. I went through the same things that you speak about. I thought I was going crazy. The coverts are very difficult to spot because nobody's really hurt of the covert narcissist. They are completely different in how they portray themselves compared to the regular narcissist as you already know. If you haven't gotten out of the relationship yet brother you need to. If you haven't already listened to him, I recommend visiting narcissist Chronicles channel. Jesse is an animal and he absolutely understands the narcissist from every direction. I coach with him privately. He will open your eyes. Don't be fooled. My girl was so hot and so sexy and so feminine. She pulled her love away from me so slowly you couldn't even see it move. They are master manipulators and we are no match.
Start drawing those hard lines and keep them.
You are ALWAYS on the losing side with a narcissist, you will NEVER live up to what they want from you as what they want always shifts.
Stop sacrificing yourself, it's hard, I've been there, but you deserve better.
When the narcissist is gone you will feel a billion times better. You don't want to realize that now, but their happiness doesn't depend on you, you are not responsible for that, THEY ARE (and they are not happy people on the inside) !
Never jump into another relationship, or rebound, after being in one with a narcissist. You may not realized you're hurt, angry and damaged, and you'll destroy future relationships.
Take 6 months or more off, and seek help. It will take a while for you to first realize, then understand how badly you were affected.
Plus, you will likely end up being drawn to the same type of person.
Ever see someone kick their dog, and the dog runs right back to them, trying to please? Yep. That's you. You can't run back to the narc you just broke up with, so you'll find a suitable replacement. You'll do everything to please them, at 1st. And they'll like that. Then you'll realize you made the same mistake, be resentful, take it out on them, and break up. Rinse, repeat. Pretty soon you'll be a flake, and gave serious emotional issues that crop up later in a relationship.
If your parents were narcs, well, you'll date your mother or father, so to speak.
Break the cycle by spending time alone, getting to know yourself, and learn to identify narcissists so you can avoid them in the future.
Those girls that like bad boys? No, they like narcissists, because their daddy was one.
True. Ross Rosenberg has some great resources for co-dependents who keep getting caught in this cycle. I think there's a whole rehab program, look him up!
I can't say for sure 100% that the women who go after bad boys fathers were narcissists, some people who are narcissists are born from other narcissists. I know for sure that my father himself was not that type of person and that I believed many lies over the years that my mother (Covert Narcissist) created.
I have also noticed that when dealing with a covert narcissist that there is a unique emptiness where you start to wonder was this person really there, did they even exist at all?
I would say never jump into another relationship after a break up, because we're hurt somehow and need time to heal. It's better to process the break up, face the pain and then to move on. If you jump to another relationship it'll be mostly to mask the pain you're suffering (I'm not saying that you'll do it consciously, but at least at a subconscious level that's what you're after) so I would say, meet new people, get busy with whatever, have fun and then start from scratch a new relationship. All the best from Chile
@@pablomaximilianogomezaguir7659 Unless you are a narcissists who needs to have supply. I left my narcissist ex wife and she had moved in with another guy 3 months later. Of course at the time I had no idea what a covert narcissists was.
@@brianwalsh1401 You're right, what happended to you, it happened to me. After a months she started dating another guy (which lasted a month) then she jumped to the next (I don't know how long it jumped) I went no contact for 5 months and she broke it, basically to lash out at me. Then I went no contact for 4 months and it started well, we could talk on a good manner until she lashed out once again (basically blaming me for everything, while not acknowledging any of her shortcomings) then I decided to go no contact for good. I also didn't know at time what a cover narcissist was, but then it was all revealed. I hope all is good for you, take care.
All the narcissists I’ve ever known have traits of both the covert and overt versions. They use whichever style momentarily suits them.
True. I feel like this is a good templet but in the end people tend to be very fluid and on a spectrum
My wife was very much a mixture of Covert and Malignant. Very Covert at first but as she started to have affairs on me she became more Malignant. Like 40% Covert and 60% Malignant.
Zachary Kassner Well yah bro similar experience but I’ve come to the conclusion that they are still technically ‘Covert’ cause they weren’t detectable at first and covered it up well. My kids mother is AMAZING at selling her sob story and coming off AS THE SWEETEST MOST BEAUTIFUL KIND HEARTED OVERALL NEAR PERFECT WOMAN... In reality she’s a nightmare with bouts of rage and just a cold 🥶 heart with zero genuine positive emotions full of lies to where her life is a lie
True. The overt part comes out when they don't get what they want..
Someone I considered a life long friend turned out to be this...it wasn't until we were roommates that all this came to the surface!
I just discarded one of my comments and I also like to eat a lot of waffles does that make me a narcissist?
Hey Jason Legacy...I would consider you a smart ass not someone with narcissistic tendencies. Enjoy those waffles!
Sonya P. Yeah, thanks.
@Jeanette York Yes! As long as I offered her something she was fine. When I needed her, even as a listening ear, she had nothing for me. Very nit picky, passive aggressive & unfortunately dishonest too.
Sonya, I know this is probably too much to ask. But I am LITERALLY experiencing what you just described to a tee, and would like to know how your situation concluded/any tips about how to survive the remainder of the lease. My kik is andimartin7 if you’re up for getting back to me. Thanks so much anyway for this comment bc it proves that I’m not alone in being disillusioned for years until moving in.
The deadliest creature known to man is the female Covert Narcissist.
My ex was a BPD with comorbid Covert Narcissistic traits. Definitely passive aggressive.
Everything you've stated is true. I've seen all of those behaviors.
Vampire slayer .. awesome name .. why did we get involved with them in the first place ... ? I'm like you almost the same thing .. think that is why they burned witches on the cross in the past ...LOL
Vampire Slayer: I was born by one of these She-Serpents, set up for failure from the start. My enabling dad is in his grave because of her, I'm (the Family Scapegoat) no contact with her and her "cult" of worshipful monkeys for over 5 years and she pulled the wool over the eyes of both sides of the family, extended relatives all shunned me when I exposed her. I guess` they think I just cut off my own support system and forfeited my inheritance for the FUN of it. People are so unbelievably stupid and self centered nowadays. At least I found out who was real in my family and who isn't. All the fakes are still alive and the 3 real people are dead, my enabling dad, and my paternal grandparents. My enabling dad was a coward though. He would not stand up to that witch..
@@reesedaniel5835 .. I feel your pain ..
I had this with my mother in-law .. I paid their house of when they retied. My poor weak father in law died with her help. My mother in law the she devil tried with all her manipulative ways to dissolve a written agreement for the hard earned money that I used to help them with .. Her flying monkeys / my ex wife and son I don't see any more .sad but true .. although It's made me feel stronger as a person , now I have the knowledge for why these people are who they are . Ruthless and unable to feel empathy .. I now have the tools to keep my distance from these blood suckers . I am struggling In this shit economy like a lot of people . I don't have much but I do have my sanity . Thanks to the doctors that expose the world of psychopathy. I don't feel so alone as a lot of people are effected by the mobs of narcissistic people of today's society . I hope all the affected people could see what we can now . Don't let them beat you. Fuk em .. move on and grow to be a better person .
@@reesedaniel5835 hi Resse, I'm so sorry to hear this in regards to the real people have passed. Kudos to you for standing up to the person you mention. I believe my father to be a covert narc.
Same with the BPD and Narcissism. I’m really focusing on healing it’s been 3 months since I was discarded. And it’s hard because she moved on almost instantly
This is the most accurate description of a female covert narcissist that I have heard. This is the type that I have been dealing with. It is refreshing to me to hear you say that they are of the most difficult to detect. I had wondered why I was so slow to catch on, but now I know. Thank you very much for the time and effort you take to share your insights. I appreciate your willingness to make these helpful videos.
I dealt with a covert female narcissist ,experienced exactly the same .This is incredible ,it's like textbook narcissism every trait same wow
So true.. Not only to detect, but to expose. They have such a perfectly honed technique for using social media, sexuality, and a masterfully controlled spin of their victimhood/survivor stories - most built on 'lies by omission', to maintain an (almost) flawless facade of innocence and integrity... at least in the eyes of most men (who are generally truly blind when it comes to physically attractive women).
I liken it to running smack into a bigfoot on a camping trip. You KNOW you saw bigfoot, but no one will really ever believe you....
I honestly thought I was the only one especially when you said, "I was so slow to catch on" I did not know what a narcissist was let alone a covert narcissist. She appeared virtuous, sophisticated, "she lived in a Victim mentality", easily angered behind closed doors, lies when its convenient , and ALL those Flying Monkeys around her!!!!
I take people at face value, growing up people were blunt and you knew where you stood. That is the worst background I could've had as far as not falling for the trap. No sex for years. I tried talking about it...silence. Try again, some vague 'i don't know', then the next time she knows exactly why 'you don't respect me'. Apparently an affair with a married man is her version of respect. Or possibly, the insight of a friend offered this: did you ever wonder if she didn't cut off sex to push you to have an affair?
I point blank asked her that. Got a look of shock and a feeble 'maybe'.
@@mfawls9624 Bro wow!! Me and my ex broke up on her birthday week. I took her out dancing and she started an argument on the dance floor. I looked at her facial expression and saw in her eyes that she had no intention of enjoying herself with me so I asked myself why prolong this torture and we left. I dropped her off at home and never looked back. Im commenting because sex with her was HORRIBLE and she NEVER wanted to talk about it, like NEVER. Little did I know she was trying online dating.
Another thing is crying whenever there is criticism, or something isn't going as planned in the relationship. No one likes criticism but it does happen because none of us are perfect, and we do need to hear it on that rare occasion we screw up. Beware of the woman who cries at the drop of a hat.
one more thing, they will break boundaries
If you even get to establish boundaries in the first place - somehow your (sensible) boundaries will always be a violation of theirs.
@@boydw1 agreed.....we establish them and they break them
Summer Rose you’re right.ℹ️💯✅✝️🙏🏿📖🗡👌🏿👍🏿☯️😎
There are no. Oundaries!
@@boydw1 on god
Excellent description of the "victim" covert narcissist. It's scary how well they can have you (and others) fooled into believing them to be caring, loving, & genuine. It took me 6 months after being cheated on, discarded, and experiencing the "flying monkeys" to realize what I'd been dealing with.
Theyre sickos too: or they buy them. The monkeys.
Oh my god. That’s terrible
As much as this content is incredibly valuable, and I mean life saving for so many (and I don't say that lightely) we have to be incredibly careful that we don't diagnose people.
What we are talking about here at the very root is essentially childhood trauma and a learned survival skill that enables a child survive (on all levels). In order to survive the child has to become a master of reading the room and non verbal cues from the adults around it and an expert in manipulating those adults. It's intelligent really , because the child survives but not psychologically or emotionally intact.
It can be difficult to decipher if an individual who is displaying these types of behaviours is genuinely 'personality disordered' or maybe they have CPTSD, high functioning autism, or even ADHD. I would say the key thing is genuine remorse. You know when someone is truly sorry. Also if you tell someone about the things that harm and trigger you and then do those things run and don't look back. Genuine remorse is the key, we know when someone is truly sorry because we can FEEL it.
I think the trick is here is also to look at the destruction behind you and how fu#@ed your life is and your sense of self. You will not regnognise yourself, you will feel empty and like the addict desperate for the next hit knowing with 1 percent rationality left that going back may be the last time. You may not come back alive.
I love the advise about one's intuition. Maybe this is why gastlighting serves the person so well. It fries the person's intuition and essentially you can no longer trust your own judgement .
Listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right take a step back and put yourself first.
Finally some little gems:
- it is not normal to feel a deep connection with someone and for it the other person to FEEL as cold as ice.
- Do you witness a switch when they are triggered. First the eyes change and its like you're talking to a toddler or teenager. You can reach this wonderful person you feel in love with. You don't recognise them, where have they gone ...again this is not normal.
- self reflect....what is it in you that gets drawn back again and again to the drama and adrenaline rush of someone who is so unavailable and deceitful? Your wounds keep you there taking the shots
With love and encouragement.
You survived. Don't give up on genuine love. You are enough and deserving
Peace
You have literally just described my mother. She even had me fooled for 29 years. Everyone believes her always being the victim and I'm the scapegoat it's so frustrating
Everyone is sicko too. Block all of them. I did. It works. In the end they come to you and k** your a** and you tell them to go f** themselves.
24 years married to one. I had no idea. Let’s just say my eye is twitching. My ptsd and I are staggering towards the faint glow of an exit sign. Everyone thinks I am a monster. Thanks for the video
The infidelity one is so true. If you're in a relationship with a female covert narcissist and you're sure she's faithful, you just haven't found out yet. One reason why withholding sex and intimacy as your punishment doesn't bother the female covert narcissist, she'll just get it somewhere else if she feels like it.
Exactly: anything they have they weaponize to abuse. Their orgasms are also fake. Gives the performance of a porn star with fake orgasms. Its consistently in every Aspect of their lives.
You are SO right! Happened to me. I suspected but just couldn't prove it..until I 'accidentally' met the "other guy" who looked MORE surprised about me than I did him! That was the very MOMENT I left..
Thanks for the "thumbs up", my friend. I was just thinking about all of this mess and, ya know what I think? I think its some evil gubmint "black project" where they have some kind of 'injection mold' cuz they ALL seem to be "carbon copies" made from the same pile of bullshit - ya know, like some kinda new.."waste management" project.."Project Narc". 😁 I mean..they're ALL EXACTLY ALIKE!! Every single video I watch! It's like.."Yep. Check..check, check..check - all the way through ALL of em! How can one "human vessel" contain THAT much evil?! It's ludicrous!
Horrible. I’m sorry that happened to you.
She always played the victim. Knew something was off when she kept bringing up bad things from my passed that I'd released. She wanted to see me suffer all over again 🥺
Your vulnerability is their ammo
@@The_Driftless_Iowan it certainly is mate. But, not anymore. I won't allow that to happen again and I refuse to be a victim like they seem to be all the time 👍👍
I have a child with a female covert narcissist. Always plays the victim and the love bombing was overwhelming at the beginning of the relationship. She slowly drained the life out of me to the point that I had forgotten who I was. Everything was my fault. I was never good enough. It’s so great to know it’s not my fault. She’s now found a new supply who she’s now pregnant to. I met him and every inch of my wanted me to tell him to run. I held back as it will just make me look crazy and jealous. He will figure it out. Hopefully sooner then later 🤯
Exact and I mean EXACT same thing happened to me. Totally destroyed me and lost myself. Getting back on track now. Nice of you to share. Stay strong 💪🏻
Steve Cohen great to hear you are doing well! As empaths you don’t see it coming. Chalk it up to a tough life experience and we will be stronger for it man 👊🏼💪🏼
If you have a child anything like this, Stop that behavior right now, do not let that continue.
Same thing going on right now with my boyfriend his narc ex (mother of his daughter) jus had a baby and a couple months before that her new supply reached out to him for answers and she shut that down immediately… she is moving back to our city in a week or so and I’m bracing for the drama again
Exactly the same story we have, because we are dealing with the most evil creature in the world. Stay strong!!!
100% my ex-wife. She had me fooled me for 16 years. I started standing up to her and she left me for another man/supply. She destroyed me emotionally, mentally and financially on her way out the door. Been a year and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces.....struggling. I am so angry at her its all I can think about.
This is exactly why narcissism is witchcraft ,I wish I could like this video 100000 times
I have been in a relationship with this person for 7 years. In the end, she made me the abusive narcissist after reactive abuse. Now I am finally free.
reactive abuse, yeah, that sucks
My mom is a female covert narc. So is my estranged wife. I'm 43, and I've spent pretty much my whole life with women like this. When you led off with victimhood, I immediately knew that you are the real deal. I'm working to heal the parts of me that need healing so that I don't fall into this pattern again. I'm so glad that abuse from these women is finally beginning to get the attention it deserves. I can spot them from a mile away, and they are EVERYWHERE! It's so infuriating and invalidating when I read statistics that say narcissism is more prevalent in men. It's really not. It's just that women tend to be covert and therefore go unnoticed. Plus, men don't talk about abuse as openly because of societal stigma. We tend to internalize and shame ourselves instead. We allow our guilt strings to be pulled, believing all the while that we are the problem. That we are fundamentally broken. I used to attend CODA meetings. When I walked in the door, I actually thought I was the narcissist. And I told everyone as much, not realizing that very fact proved I wasn't. Thank you for doing what you are doing here. I know what a female covert narc is and what she is capable of. But it's still validating to hear you confirm it. There are so many men out there in need of knowledge and language so they can begin breaking those bonds. Thank you💙
With much distress to our family, our son was in a relationship with such a narcissist and it nearly destroyed our relationship with him. thank you for making this so clear.
I was that son for a bit and feel bad for what my mom had to see.
Yup. Vulnerable and needy. Whether it's a female or male covert narcissist, These are people who became miserable creatures and walk amongst humans. Like a black hole, they will keep sucking up your energy. It's just never enough for them, and their sob stories never end.
I agree 100%
I knew something was wrong with her, always upset, crying, no solution is good enough.
Fuck off out of my life
When my friends mask Fell off, i was terrified. It was like seeing totally new person for the first time. I walked away. Never looked back. It cost me in every possible way and took me 2 years to heal. Thank you 🙏
Same for me, after 9 years i didnt even recognize her. I asked her "who are you?"
Or portray themselves as a good Christian.
Wow shane.. .. I have neighbor like this.. .evil!!
@I Sanchez The struggle is real but He is faithful and will help every step of the way.
@I Sanchez You realize what is happening when you research people's behavior. This may be learned behavior but you certainly don't know what you are dealing with as a child suffering through it into adulthood. Thank God you have survived. ❤
Yes and God always tells them how bad a person you are ,she uses religion to abuse , struts her ego
This exactly happened to me. I ended up marrying her but I've dumped her ass. Religious with a black heart
Thank you. Age 38, I discovered that my big sister is a covert narcissist. She broke me, during my childhood and over the years. All my life I felt that I am not a nice person, not good enough, stupid (and so on) and now the fog is down and I feel freed and empowered
That is similar to my experience everyone in the family idolized her to the point that they became her slaves. Any party she had, these family members were preparing intricate dishes of food with her barking orders, setting up decorations, washing up and sent out to distribute bite size treats to the guests. They never got a chance to relax and enjoy the parties. I used to feel sorry for them but now I realize that they are coverts and the sister is a grandiose overt. If it was a barbeque her husband now ex, would stay by the bbq with his friends and chat and make the cooking last as long as possible so he could stay away from her. He knew she couldn't chew him out in front of everyone.
Wow!!! Spot on describing an ex-girlfriend! I learned the lesson the hard way but a lesson no doubt.
Dealt with a covert female narcissist for 3 years, not funny when you're in love with her. She scored on all 10 points, but had another condition I would refer to as "paranoid - psychosis".
My ex gf was covert narcissist she make me lose my business, money and friends. She was married last week , I wish the new supply all the best and I feel pity for him . Covert narcissist needed time to find out
, for the beginning they are perfect .
Oh gosh yes, My mom is the Queen of Shaming me.
I've been no contact for almost a year. Best decision ever
I fell in love with a narc. Broke my heart. This information is scary but I’m glad I know. Maybe I dodged a bullet. Good luck everyone. Be careful
Same, just got out a 7 month relationship with a female narc. In the beginning she was the woman of my dreams and then the last month of our time together she turned into an entirely different person. No longer complimented my looks nor gave the adoration and affection she showered me with. She turned on me and made light of my concerns with sarcasm. And if talked about my traumas or was vulnerable around her shed sarcastically reply with “Who hurt you boo lol?” All ended when I pressured her and accused her of cheating on me which she did. Gave me the silent treatment and blocked me everywhere after I wouldn’t play her game anymore. I agree definitely must stay away from her.
I think I did too! It seems to be a cold game out here. I will miss her or the illusion of her. The real her was full of game. I had a feeling she was sleeping with other people! Cant go from libido in over drive to nothing at all! Then the devaluation , triangulation and word salad. Plus double speak, gaslighting, projection and ridiculus lies and half truths about everything most likely! I can't believe I was this gullable and open to her B.S.
Be careful who you love because most likely the children would suffer
This is such an important topic. I once had a registered nurse who told me, "Narcissists don't hurt anybody...." Well... no.
Regarding rage, my mother was discarded in divorce by my father... and that was the only time I ever saw her show emotion. Her rage was irrational and extremely disturbing to watch.
You are doing a valuable service by teaching this topic.
Great breakdown of the female covert narcissist! You can keep this type of narc in check by simply not caring about her tactics. Just keep your money and other important assets and your best self away from her forever. And, of course, become the most boring person in the world when around her while refusing to provide her with any "supply." That should be enough to get her to disappear from your life.
This is my ex to a T. It wasn’t until I decided to get sober and prioritize, living a healthy life, working out, eating the right things, and clearing my brain that I was able to recognize her manipulations throughout the entire relationship. So many times I allowed myself to be manipulated by her until she began to devalue me and then eventually discard me. I know there will come a time when she will hoover back and I will be ready for it.
Excellent! Thank you so much for addressing this special kind of narc who will not stand up and be counted and is mass under-represented in our society's awareness. And a lack of sympathy is a very good twist on the lack of empathy. All her sympathy was fake! How confusing she was to me! Both this video and the other one about the female narcissist are two extremely powerful mode's of getting the word out about the 'female threat" that is hidden possibly in a very large percentage of peoples lives. I have a master's degree in counseling and I am still wavering at times about exactly who my mother really was... it is very hard to see! Thank you for working on this topic and it is very much appreciated. You are like a real hero for us poor people who have this "virus" from exposure to evil that we just can't shake but do not want to die of. But it is that impossibly hard to see.
Psyco virus
I still respect and love her but through hard work, meditation and prayer, I have managed to give her less power. I will continue doing so no matter what. It's my own health, mental and physical that's more important now. Thank you so much!
You're damn right women know how to leverage the system and deploy gender to their advantage to fully destroy men within a covert narcissist framework. Men, be safe!
That description couldn’t have been more accurate! I stepped away from a narcissist I loved deeply and she has exactly all those characteristics. It took me two solid years to finally heal, but it was hard. Congrats on the channel. More power to you
This is my daughter, and it is so difficult to watch her set people up. Of course she occurs as so perfect, there’s nothing I can say to warn them.
Tell them that the Devil comes disguised as an "angel of light"....2 Cor 11:14
meggberry you can’t warn them you have to let it run it’s course if they have any type of boundaries they will catch on soon enough.
Jason Legacy ...thanks. I recognize that it’s out of my hands, and I see that she is going to be the one to teach them the importance of boundaries.
Boundaries, my daughter called saying we needed to set boundries. I returned her call.
She now will not return my call.
They usually cover themselves up for this.
When I was dating my NPD ex-bf, he said that his father hated him and I believed him so when his father tried to warn me about his son (he told me his son has serious problems and I seen decent so I should reconsider the relationship), I didn't believe him. Turned out everything that man said was true but my ex made it so I won't believe it even before I met his parents.
I m wishing you the best with this ordeal and hope for a miracle to happen and your daughter to change for the better.
Yup, you nailed this! My old covert narc fits the bill.
Yes, it is a dead-ringer for mine too.
My god. I recently had a friendship completely and explosively dissolve and have spent months ruminating over what I could've done to prevent it, and what more I could have done to stop her anger and 'fix' whatever it was I'd unknowingly done wrong. In this case it was because I took attention away from her when I befriended one of her close friends. I think she constructed a false fantasy about what was going on, and when I didn't immediately agree with her conclusions and finger pointing, I became the enemy.
She systematically excluded and estranged me from the others we lived with (flatmates), acted the victim throughout, constructed inflammatory lies about me and her old friend and used sensitive things I'd told her against me. Living through it all has destroyed a small part of me.
I had to leave my flat to get away from it, because I was so scared. This video completely sums up how she presented herself- I hadn't realised what was going on. Beware anyone on the spectrum- I think for us it may be especially difficult to detect this, and because of that we may be magnets for covert narcissists. I'm glad to get this off my chest. Thank you for this 💛
I wish I knew all this two years ago. I would have saved a lot of headaches. Thank you very much!
The covert narcissist in my ‘family’ actually exerted control over the whole community, not just the family. When I cut her off I lost everyone. Even though she’s now dead I am still excommunicated for abandoning her.
:( Breaks my heart to hear that.
10 years for me to realise that she wasng just overly sensitive and needy. Messed me up and now I have a child with her and getting a divorce. Left her before getting her pregnant, but she sucked me back in with relentless tactics. I pay a heavy price now because she controls our child and is trying to hurt me.
Thank you for this unbelievable video. She is everything in this particular video.
Update after 3 years: cover nar ex wife is worse.
Parental alienation is occurring more clearly
Now abusing our child psychological emotional, not feeding and hydrating properly. 3 years on!
If you do not have a child with a covert narcissist RUN RUN RUN RUN! I WOULD WRITE RUN 1 MILLION TIMES UNTIL YOU GET THE MESSAGE. if you have a child with them you will be so badly trapped for most if not the rest of your life.
This is all spot on. Thanks for the summary. Proves helpful when looking back on a relationship that we thought was one thing, only to realize it was really just massive manipulation.
Thank you for your videos Jill, they are fantastic!
The traits of covert narcissists need to be more widely known and the work you are doing is incredibly important. Unfortunately, most people only become aware of the red flags after being abused. But once you are aware, you notice narcissism is everywhere.
Just realized I had a covert narc in my friend circle...she was trying to ruin my friemdships before she even came along..she was successful with those that don't matter anymore ..they can be besties together. I'm just grateful I seen it wish it was sooner
So true. Spent almost 10 years with covert female NPD. And you know what? I wanted to leave, multiple times. And she lied, and she cheated, and I didn't leave. Took me so long until it actually happened. Thinking about it now, I couldn't leave her, because I felt bad for her. I just felt sympathy. Every time. And eventually, I managed to do it, but it cost my physical health.
The biggest red flag, these folks will subtly bait any personal &negative info about their intended target. They will get angered if positive, success comes your way. They rage with jealousy
I’m only now just realizing since December 2019, with yet another fight ( at least 2 giant threats of divorce a year ) filled with distain, hate, and deeply hurting anger from her, my wife of a little over 14 years one that I have children with has all of these traits.... I gave up trying 3 yrs ago and have been in a funk of sadness....I started trying to step in between her actions towards our kids but it only caused her to lash out more... thank you for sharing all of this knowledge as I am now only beginning what may be a long journey of leaving, protecting our kids, and healing! It’s shocking how specific and on target each one of these examples IS HER TO A T! She is so opposite with others outside our circle and only shows her true self if we are around others for a longer period of time or if they have watched us for a long time like my parents, some very close friends who told me to get help because of what they saw that I have been blind too!
Daylight throughthefog Married over 20 years , divorced now she poisoned kids against me Almost given up on them very sad for both kids and me
Don't second Guess yourself, been in your shoes. Do exactly as you stated get away and heal. Harder than it sounds and the desire to try and help or "fix" them lingers as does self doubt. But if everything in the video was HER TO A T as you stated that's good enough! That visceral reaction to the video knowing deep in your gut the truth, it is the truth. Do not waiver RUN, HEAL and the world gets so much better.
@@alonzomosley7 thank you for your comments. I know it is going to be a journey for my children and I as there current reality is so obscure from a normal loving home life. This is the reason I am leaving. I am sorry to hear what you went through. each experieince i read seems so similar yet so different at the same time.
@@bill1498 because of the time spent in a constant state of disharmony, daily, it has been a very revealing experience for me. Thank you for you words of encouragement. I am planning to leave, as I prepare for the storm to come from it all. If I did not listen to a couple of close friends, I would not have been given a book that changed my perspective on who she really was and why she treats us all this way. At the same time those friends just about begged me to find a therapist who understands trauma in these relationships for more empathic people like myself. They said " It's been 11 yrs knowing you and each year it gets worse, either leave or find out why you like to be tortured and miserable" ... best decision was to find a good therapist, even if I thought it wouldnt help, it did!
Get out. You can't help these people. I actually convinced mine to go to therapy due to her depression and she never took it seriously. Save your sanity whilst you can.
First time I've watched a whole video about narcissistic behavior ...explained perfectly
You are spot on. They will even tell you that they love you and will be absolutely loyal to you so it makes you feel like garbage if you even dare to question their intentions. They tell you they are loyal to you until they suddenly are loyal to another man.
I’m in denial: but the fact I keep researching this... there must be something true about the gut feeling I have had about my ex.
Same, but thats part of their ploy. Hence "covert".
Thank you for your poignant insights. It's great that you have presented the high narcissistic traits of the covert female narcissist so straightforwardly. This approach makes it easier for people targeted by such a person to remember the characteristics, process the offending behavior, and distance yourself from the individual. Peace of mind becomes the big takeaway for the abused individual.
My ex showed herself as a fearful avoidant towards the end of the relationship. Before she deactived, I am now realizing she was showing signs of being a covert narcissist.
It makes me sick that these people exist. And they are everywhere...
Yes ive been targeted by dozens of them all throughout my whole life
Very insightful, upon watching this video its made me realise that I’m pretty sure somebody I’m close friends with is a female covert narcissist. Can definitely see these traits in her, although she is very clever on how she portrays herself
How spot on you are literally made me laugh . Wow as if I needed anymore convincing lol
OMG! Wish I would’ve known this after 12 yrs of living with a Overt/Covert narcissist. I had to learn this the hard way. She almost literally destroyed me. I got out before she was successful, thank God! One of the statements I heard over and over again from friends, “ I don’t see how you do it”. As in dealing with her, and of course I’d minimize her wrong doings. Finally that was it! And I left and never looked back. No contact, Communication, nothing!
Wow .. you just explained every characteristic of my ex wife .. she used almost every step / method you just spoke about ..
Nice work .. very clear and easy to follow presentation.
Thanks
You described my ex-wife again! After being married to a covert malignant narcissist, I had learned how to deal with the male narcissist bosses I had... The best bosses I ever had were almost all women, they weren't narcissists. However, most of my male bosses were definitely narcissists, some were brutal. The more I didn't play their game and just did my job, the more they would try to cause problems for me.
One good thing about being with a covert malignant narcissist, when you break free of them, you see all their red flags popping up immediately in other narcissistic people, and know how to react to them, or walk away from them.
After finally unraveling my family story, it didn't take long to figure it out and get out of a terrible with situation where this was going on.
You are absolutely right. A perfect illustration. Bulls eye markings. Thanks and hugs 🤗 to you. ❤️
Hello Jill. It seems that you have met my ex partner. She has all the patterns of a covert narcissist. It is so true what you tell. Covert narcissist express themselves always as victim, others are always to blame. Critissism, where shall I begin. A bull hit by a bee sting. Empathy is a word they don't know and what it means. They only think about themselves. And oh when you uncover their real intention and fake show, then you are done. Pure hate my ex showed when I exposed her true identity. The flying monkeys of my ex are her parents, especially her father. He is an overt narcissist. I am happy that I ended the relationship because I couldn't be myself and wasn't allowed to be myself. And no contact is the only solution to start healing and moving on to a better future. It is possible, we all can heal. Thanks for the video.
Crazy how precise this description is.. doesn't just knowing about this bring a measure of freedom? Wow.. thanks Jill
I suspected my husband always texting a lady on his phone , We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve both been happy together until recently when he switched side and I found out he has been cheating .I explained my story to a colleague at work then she introduced me to this genuine hacker, Darkwebprohacker who gave me access to his phone , I had complete access to his phone right on my own device and I could see all his activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, his text messages, Facebook messages,location, call logs, and I found out my husband was also flirting on dating sites..I love my husband a lot and I still don’t understand why he betrayed me, I have been a good hardworking wife and never for once cheated on him. I tracked him down and found out he was always going to sleep in another woman’s house with me thinking my husband is always at work for night shift. You can contact this great hacker who helped me found out the truth about my husband at darkwebprohack(at)gmail com or Whats app +19087998357 or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into his phone without even touching his phone.I have enough evidence against my husband and I am thinking of Filing for divorce.I want advice if I should give him another chance or let go ? We have 2 kids together it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger
A big part of problematic narcissism is that the actual narcissist tries applying that type of personality to you when you no longer allow them to control you,they try saying your withholding sex,or whatever from them,because in their mind when they cheat,lie...its your fault all the name calling,putdowns,even sexual abuse,your fault,...you should" get over it" you caused it and you should quit withholding from them.
I got one pregnant I’m so destroyed right now. It’s been 3 years living with this hell.
Document Document Document Document
and keep educating yourself. Don’t take the insults personally. It’s just a ploy to wound and weaken you.
I pray you will do well.
Most accurate description I've heard yet. 👍
When i have a visceral reaction to someone, seemingly without provocation, still~ i trust it. I have learned to trust me, implicitly, always.
A projecting queen!!
Chris Toole YES!!!!
It just amazes me on how good these covert narcs are on playing their victims. They go from person to person sharpening their tactics each time and leaving so much emotional damage in their wake. Are these people so damaged from past life experiences and this is the only way to exist is to feed off genuine caring loving people's emotions. It just boggles the mind.
You do a justice to this Topic cause most of the CZcams videos about Narcissist talk about Men but you are among the few who do the topic a justice and talk about female. I m in the middle of it and yet i don't know what to do, there is no stone unturned to hurt me. Thank you. You are one of the sources that makes me stay strong and dont personalize what is happening. but it is far beyond what we say. if you have never met a narcissit, you must be lucky. Thank you for your information and support indeed. I know it aint me, so, i dont personalize it. thank you especially you are talking about female narcissisit.
Both of my ex's were and are covert narcissist . Thanks for the video !
Your description was so accurate, it sent a shiver down my spine and made me slightly nauseous.
Almost got involved with one. The most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Had a sixth sense at the beginning and I slowed it down. Talked a lot on the phone and found she was nothing like what I thought she was. Barely escaped as I slowly backed away once finding out she was only trying to control and manipulate and didn't show any real feelings.
So many times b4 I realized I was in a relationship w/a female narcissist I had the helpless feeling that all my energy and hope was being drained from me ... I was in pain for no overt reason..but it was like deep emotional void sucking the life from me. Am I glad I am out of that situation. Whew!
You have perfectly described my Mother-in-law.
Apparently she has been this way her entire life.
Another spot on production. Thanks again Jill.. Unfortunately I fell for one of these nefarious characters - boy do I wish I'd have paid attention to those early red flags 🚩 😟
I am crying watching this. Someone please help me.
Me too man...much love to you. I'm so lost too.
Happy you are talking about the Coverts! My mother, and sister are Covert Narcissists but I only recently realized it because they hid it so effectively! My brother also has the traits of the Covert but it may be because he was the golden child who is married to a Covert.
This has confirmed everything I thought,thank god I'd educated myself for years about narcs,it's a check list of her behaviour,I saw straight through her from day one,I cut her off within months,
All facts...I shut it down immediately and tell them good luck!
keep being awesome and know that you really are making a difference for those of us who have felt trapped by a narcissist for so long. I can’t imagine what good oh come from finally ending the torture, but if I can one day help someone else break free then it will be worth it. Sometimes I wish the cruelty would escalate from the psychological to the physical, but I now understand that it was important she have a perpetual food source.
Thank you so much for your Great gift ❤
Well described video. God bless everyone dealing with these problems.
I in a relationship that's absolutely 100 % what you have describe..it has drove me damn near insane trying to figure out what our problems have been
..its made no rhyme or reason for things going like they have
.nothing please them ..regardless of what I do..it got to the point of abuse and violence from her side..she even busted my head open with objects..this info hits the bullseye describing her.. from cheating to lieing to not answer the phone or text I send her to crying asking for forgiveness and promises things will change ..but it's always someone else that caused the problems and never her fault
..thanks for the information..but I must confess it makes me feel so sorry for these floks..and especially her ..I guess cause I'm involved with her..iv got to find a way to put my heart in my pocket and get out of this mess thank you
I just ended things with my cover narcissist ex. Your video is so helpful.
Wow! This vid has described my last seven years. Pretty much every point is on par with my experience with my narcissistic abuse.
Amazing what you learn after going through the cycle with a female covert narc. Before this I never knew much about human psychology and disorders. I thought "lack of empathy" was reserved for serial killers and such. Little did I know it was all around us. And sorry to say, it seems females are way more afflicted with narcissism than men. Being a man, obviously I've been around men all my life, and maybe besides silly locker room talk and such, nearly all guys I've ever known were committed to their relationships / marriages and full-on providers for better or worse.
Thank you for putting this information out there. We as society need to know how to spot narcissists, in order to keep them out of our lives. They are the most toxic people on the planet.
I also talked a female narc a couple times and it was actually just like the one up game. It was something that could be felt , like i struggled to put my finger on it at first but after talking on the phone a couple times for outreach it was like a person who doesnt want to connect. I had more reasons to perhaps be a little bit more advanced on the topic of discussion but it was like a sly need to dominate or to talk without connecting but just like a competition sort of. In that regard, one can tell fortunately when a person is capeable of empathy , because soon, there is connection happening. With a female covert narc or male for the matter, covert or not covert actually its not about connection although the overt might be more evident that they need like to dominate or need subordinates, the covert is even weirder cause they may pose as a friend ( in maybe initial phases) , but the whole feeling after the interaction feels icky, yucky, abusive, draining, something that one can't put their finger on initially until one learns more about what narc abuse is. There might be like a slight crossing of a boundary, that gives them away, and that one can say something about it but actually with the covert if they are still trying to pose as friend, its the quality of interaction, its just draining, it isnt a connection that helps each other get their needs met, and bring people closer, And wait till you call one out, and they try to smear. Last year a couple narcs got together to smear me in a support group that i founded. I was maybe sensitive because i was in my therapy work with EMDR, and in a bad moment which they quikcly capitalized i didnt know about not taking their baits. Or reactive abuse, or how they get supply i've had to study all of this in youtube video watching, that has been very validating. One or two coverts showed themselves when they where trying to discard me, and it was like this they can't be accountable, even act "vulnerable" when being called out, had quite a few poeple that defended them very loyally, and one was sooo passive aggressive. I know they get their karma on the daily and part of it is that their mask can't stay on for too long. They literally have a personality disorder, which eventually gives them away, their mask doesnt stay up long. And they have to go con people somewhere else. Or be in a little bubble and miserable with a couple people that dont have the self love yet to leave them. Eventually people connect the dots.
self love is taught
@@williamesselman3102 Yet even if you had parents who didn't model if for you in the best ways. You can still have supportive and safe enough people to start this healing work and learn and start exercising self-love, self-care , authenticity, healthy boundaries, individuation etc. The fact some people went through less than good enough childhood's or relationships, isn't a life sentence. Healing is very real in 2022, we can find safe validation support in support groups, start being more gentle with ourselves, more authentic , more assertive, more direct, have better boundaries, take our space, have a voice , individuate, keep healing , etc!
I can't help myself from loving you your empathy compassion and mercy has touched me I know you are genuine .your body language and tone proves your heart is real
My daughter just turned 18. Co-parenting with a covert narc has been like living in hell. There has been nothing that was easy.
Empath and the Narcissist
An all so common relationship dynamic
Starts as a whirlwind, ends up in panic
The empath truly has love and compassion
The narcissist requires constant validation
The narcissist feels truly empty inside
Afraid to be alone in their darkened mind
Afraid of the voices in their head
Believing they're worthless, better off dead
The empath has nothing to gain
They build you up to shut off your pain
What the empath doesn't realize
Is the narcissist's inability to empathize
The narcissist thinks it's a power struggle
The empath has all their feelings to juggle
Pushing and pulling, a constant fight
Waiting for the next rage to ignite
Idealize, devalue, and discard
The narcissistic calling card
The empath is tired of insulting their soul
They awaken and take back their control
Narcissist moves on to another fixation
Unable to live without validation
Never to blame, ego increases
While the empath is left to pick up the pieces
Silent Treatment
When you don't have a leg to stand on
Rather than run away crying
Say absolutely nothing
But inside the feeling of dying
When belittling doesn't work
Calling names just falls flat
Threatening violence is neanderthal
A last ditch effort attack
The most cowardly of all moves
Unable to communicate like an adult
Feeling shame deep inside
Knowing that it's your fault
Manipulative move of child's play
Lacking any emotional maturity
Physical pain to innocent victims
While covering self insecurity
The narcissistic trump card
Thinking your victim is unaware
Game of lost souls everywhere
Hanging on by a whim and a prayer
Just Wow ... What a poem ...Thank you so much for this... Love ..
Pay attention. You will notice patterns, especially if they’ve shared past experiences (victim) and you’ve asked the right questions to paint yourself a better picture.
My ex wife of 1.5 years, fits every single one of these traits. She cheated….then divorced me. I didn’t find out about him for 6 months, 3 of those I had to live with her, my two kids, and her mom because I couldn’t afford to move out. When I did find out she made up so many lies about him…..I mean crazy crazy lies that no one would ever believe. Ive fought with myself and blamed myself for 1.5 years now. I’ve almost went back to her numerous times, but I back out with a gut feeling every time. I’m scared to be right and scared to be wrong. I’ve sworn off all women. I’m 46 and I’m done. Never ever ever again will o give up my peace, if I ever get it back.
This video is a God send.
(2min in the video typing this) 1 I knew for years discarded me after I outed her to a mutual friend (enabler/flying monkey) was a narcissist. I had a reactive abuse moment from her irrationality and nonsense. She was hyper sensitive to any criticism; couldn't take when I discarded her, even popped up saying we have to end on a better note and she didn't want me out of her life; after she discarded before she sent epiphany apologies months later and I accepted her back; love bombed when we 1st met; always trauma; claimed to be an empath but was very selfish; blamed everything on her MBTI type; wanted me to help her self reflect, etc.
The mutual friend got exposed when I tried explaining to her how she was a narc instead of understanding she said she didn't think anything was wrong with her and she understood her. Deflecting or dismissing some parts of the convo about her. I pray for both of them from a distance now.
Wow! You really hit the nail on the head on this.