CUTTING TIES: DEALING WITH TOXIC FAMILY AND SIBLING ESTRANGEMENT
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- čas přidán 12. 07. 2024
- It's a sad reality but a toxic family dynamic can struggle with the relationship between siblings that is unexpectedly severed.
Sibling astrangement and parent alienation is a real phenomenon and sometimes when it happens, other family members may also disappear from the life of the estranged sibling.
Now, you are alienated from both your parent and your brother.
In this live chat, I discuss the psychology of sibling estrangement and toxic parent dynamic.
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#trauma #tamarahilllpc #TOXICFAMILY
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DISCUSSED IN THIS CHAT:
0:00 Intro
4:00 the scenario of sibling estrangement
6:12 "emotional estrangement"
7:13 estrangement is not inherently wrong or evil
8:56 quantitative VS. qualitative data
22:08 INTENTIONAL SIBLING ESTRANGEMENT
26:06 shared experience no longer matters
44:40 PARENT ALIENATION TOWARD ESTRANGED SIBLING
49:15 WHAT CAUSES SIBLING ESTRANGEMENT
*discussion in-between content
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Mentioned In The Live Chat (research & further information):
1. Differential parenting and sibling jealousy: Developmental correlates of young adults' romantic relationships
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
2. The relationship between parental role expectations and sibling jealousy: the mediating effect of first-born children’s role cognition
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
3. Parenting Characteristics and Callous-Unemotional Traits in Children Aged 0-6 Years: A Systematic Narrative Review
link.springer.com/article/10....
4. Heritable and non-heritable pathways to early callous-unemotional behaviors
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
5. Heritable and Nonheritable Pathways to Early
Callous-Unemotional Behaviors
ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/...
6. The Heritability of Callous and Unemotional Traits
www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
7. Mommy Dearest movie • Mommie Dearest
8. Aspects of morbid jealousy
www.cambridge.org/core/journa...
9. The relationship between parental role expectations and sibling jealousy: the mediating effect of first-born children’s role cognition
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
10. The Role of Perceived Maternal Favoritism in Sibling Relations in Midlife
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
11. A psychological analysis of parental favortism and hyprocrycy of family love in Mansfield's New Dresses'
American Research Journal of English and Literature, 4, (1), 2018, 1-10 pages
Doi: 10.21694/2378-9026.1805
12. Scharp K. M., Hall E. D. (2017). Family marginalization, alienation, and estrangement: Questioning the nonvoluntary status of family relationships. Annals of the International Communication Association, 41(1), 28-45. doi.org/10.1080/23808985.2017...
13. Agllias, K. (2016). Disconnection and decision-making: Adult children explain their reasons for estranging from parents. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92-104.
14. Hank, K., & Steinbach, A. (2023). Sibling estrangement in adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(4), 1277-1287. doi.org/10.1177/0265407522112...
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
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----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 15 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
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Sibling and parental estrangement is painful. However, sometimes it’s necessary to save oneself. My mother had three daughters for three different men. Unfortunately, she hated one of the daughter’s father. This set the course for a lifetime of pain and alienation. I am glad that I was finally able to understand the Dysfunction and the Courage to move forward. I made a CONSCIOUS decision to walk away and to live life on my own terms.
Thanks for sharing. I wish you blessings on your journey.
Any mother or father that wants to cause siblings to not be friends is a sicko
Hi Tamara ..I will say...my bio half siblings ( two sisters and one brother..same mother) have formed a coalition against me and play cat(s) and mouse games with me. Me being the mouse. I went no contact to save my self esteem for about eight yrs. Then my brother had his grown daughter ( my niece who I love) contact me and I was happy to try again to have a relationship with them all. But they began to ignore my text and have the same old attitude of "take me or leave me" always claiming to have lost my phone number when I've never changed it. I have figured it out tho...they resent me bcuz I grew up with blood..my dad's family.( my aunt)..when they all grew up in state foster care. It's unfortunate but not my fault...plus I also did not live with parent's. But relatives for a part of my childhood. It's very complex ..but I'm learning so much from your channel. Ty sincerely from my heart💕
Hi there!
That's such a common dynamic when a child is born into the family or someone passes away. It's like that triggers new feelings and hopes of things getting better and relationships being mended. I truly hope your niece can see through this and reach back out to you again. She would be wise to develop her own thoughts and feelings about this and then make her own decisions on how she will behave.
I'm glad to have you on the channel and that you are benefiting!! You're welcome and thank you!
@@TherapistTamaraHillty so much for your response Tamara. I too hope my nieces (I have two) will make up their own mind's about me..but my brother and my (power holding) sister.. who really doesn't care for me..they have a special bond and are closer in age too (she influences him a lot) as they both grew up similarly (foster homes) in NY while I grew up in the south with an aunt. I still keep hope alive for us. I always respond to my niece's text and her life celebration's pics and I send gifts and cards..even when she mostly doesn't respond to my text's/pics. I stopped sending text..pics etc about my life as it hurts my feeling's to not get a response. So boundaries are in place! I'm trying to take the high road as I'm 70 yrs young now!🙂
The toxic unhealthy parent. Whew my mom told my younger sister I was jealous of her and I finally realized why my sister was constantly fighting me. My mom behind my back was giving her the go ahead to attack me. When my sister got older and told me our mother didn’t want us to be close I had my aha moment. Now when I confronted my mom she said my sister was a narcissist and a liar. At that point I didn’t know who to believe I just simply keep my distance.
I don't blame you for keeping your distance. What else are you supposed to do? It's such a complicated dynamic indeed.
Spot on at 28:48 I'm beginning to thank this Trauma is" cross generational " Mom dies without a will after berating me for not having a will. Sending me and my ESTRANGED Brother to figure the estate out. between the two of us .. Now that's a Narcissist and your right its very painful😐.
I screen recorded that very part. ❤
Im one of two kids. My older brother, by 5 years, did A LOT of running away from home. We were NEVER close. Beyond the fact that I am a younger SISTER, I believe my brother was always upset that I came along. I believe he always wanted to be the only child. I am now 63 years old, he is 67. Ive experienced his ... avoidance, his lifeless hugs upon saying "goodbye" while in front of others. Birthday cards that had a nasty, sarcastic slant. Our mother died in 1970. I know my brother punished my dad also with no contact, silence. One year on my dads 78th birthday, my brother sent my him a gift basket of black cookies in the shape of black buzzard cookies, with a card that read, "Happy Birthday you old buzzard."
I had come in the house and saw this basket of horrible cookies on the table, the card was on the floor.... I picked up the card, read it, and looked at that horrible basket of black birds. I cried, -just imaging how this had to have hurt my dad.
Our dad passed away through the abuses of a nursing home back in 2018,...but I just can't get many of these horrible things my brother did to my dad, myself, and complete strangers out of my mind. He's left a trail of broken hearts in his path.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
How disgusting! I can’t imagine using my life and energy to be nasty and covert rather than kind and useful. Use the pain for the past to propel you forward. 🤣
My father protected me. He doubled his love for me cause my father knew my mother couldn't give it to me. Im the baby outta the three of us. My mother would compare me and my sister and my brother would also protect me but he died a week before my 15th birthday. I dont hold no ill will towards my mother i know if she was normal she would have loved me the way she was supposed to. However im extremely grateful for my toxic environment it only made me who im and it made it easy dor me ro pin point a narcissist ftom a mile away. No textbook can teach me about a narc i lived it since birth. So im grateful.
I'm sorry. It sounds like a rocky rode of unhealthy family dynamics. Lived experience is the best teacher. A book cannot prepare you for truth.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you
you're welcome
This is my story. Wow. Thank you so much. I needed to hear this today as I am struggling so much. I feel so alone and don’t know how to move on. I left my family one year ago. My brother (5 years older) and I have never been close because he hates me. I tried my best and we had some good days but when he got married his wife was against me too and I had to go no contact. It didn’t stop because my mom kept talking about them and telling them about me. It’s just as you said. I literally feel like trash around them and I am the black sheep. They then were expecting a baby and didn’t tell me, which was fine since I went no contact. My parents told me nonetheless as if it was funny that I was excluded from the news. They didn’t stop and kept telling me to stop being bitter etc etc. I had to go no contact with all of them and it is literally tearing me apart. It’s been one year and so hard to deal with. I feel as if not even my family likes me and I am not worthy to be loved although I know their behavior is not correct.
You're welcome and I'm sorry you have had to experience, howeever. It is a painful experience indeed and it truly tests your endurance, your ability to stay the road you have chosen, and your ability to forgive and move forward with boundaries. Hang in there and stand strong. This is the reaction of a family who does not understand why you have done what you have done. Their behaviors are apart of the processing process that naturally comes with a family member walking away. I encourage you to seek out some books on Amazon about family estranagement. It may help you consider some things that I haven't said in my chats.
Thank you for this video, Dr. Tamara. I always learn so much from you and reflect deeply after every video, even if it briefly brings me to internal sadness.
I might not have the same exact experience as so many in these comments and in the live chat, but I know what it feels like to not be close to your siblings like you once were, or like you once envisioned.
I started a partial emotional estrangement from my two younger brothers long ago because it hurt too much to keep witnessing the energy of indifference/disinterest when I would try for routine check-ins, planned excursions and other new shared life experiences.
Through your very helpful videos I've learned to live with what I will not have.
My parents played the typical Narcissistic role. Treating my younger brother and sister as golden children. And telling them since my childhood to keep their distance from me cause I’m the bad child aka scapegoat. So as I got older they kind of drifted away from me with their own life’s. Yet they kept that same view of me. Lazy.
I truly feel I never belonged to their family unit. Thank you for talking about this.
You're welcome Nancy!
And I'm sorry.😔 This is not a feeling we want from people we are supposed to be able to trust and love.
Narc mother uses sister clone of narc to agree with her
Clone wants all the inheritance so will agree
Narc said sister is getting all the inheritance
Truth tellers get punishment
@@kelvinjames6344 yup
This has been me for the last few years. This is so on time.
😔 I'm sorry.
How beautiful you and your brother love each other and know how to be a team. 💖
Thank you❤ It hasn't been without its challenges but I'm still grateful for it.
It is the word I was looking for when I say, I don't care what they think anymore or the way they want me to be thank you
This was such a great, insightful video. I didn't get to see this live, would have loved to ask a question.😊
I hope you will get lots of rest Tamara!
Thank you so much ❤ Glad this was helpful to you and hopefully everyone else.
Send me your question here or in the next live chat! I'll answer it.
And thank you, I got much needed rest yesterday night.😄
This topic is perfect. Exactly what I'm going through at the moment, but also ever since my sister could talk. Thank you for discussing this.
You're welcome!
And I'm sorry this relates to you. Who wants this? This dynamic is more common, however, than we think. So I will be bringing this topic back this year.
You love them at a distance....pray that they find Christ ...!
Yea indeed
Stop casting your pearls before swine.
I my husband says he lives me but show no respect he does not care
Cause he doesn't. I have a partner never has to say I love you. His actions shows more than words
You shouldn't be getting treated that way.
Religion can be a part of it. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness due to their shunning policies I had not spoken to my brothers for over 15 years. And now Jehovah’s Witnesses to save their behinds in court allow witnesses to greet the shunned. However the damage is done. I don’t feel like I have a genuine connection with my family and it just doesn’t feel worth my time and energy.
That's true too. Religion, depending on what it is, can truly break up a family and breakdown communication. I think all religion should be pursued with caution and explored further once it becomes apart of the fabric of a family.
Thank you for making this video with this particular Contant
My pleasure! You're welcome 😊
I did this emotional estrangement just before going completely no contact.
Thank You✨⚖️✨
You’re welcome 😊
Thank you for this live Támara! I’m in the process of estrangement from my mom, sister and rest of the family. How should I refer to my sister and mom to new people that come into my life? I don’t want to claim them by using the word “my” and “mom” and “sister.” I have no idea how to describe them in a way that is upfront about me being disconnected from them, but at the same time still respectful, yet concise as possible.
You can refer to your sibling as “sibling” or “your parent’s (or parents’) other child”. You can refer to your mother as “mother” or “birthing person”. It’s takes practice but with time you’ll become adjusted to it all. Also bear in mind, you’re an autonomous adult and don’t own anyone an explanation for how you relate to relatives, no matter their proximity.
You're welcome @kikib859!! Glad this was helpful to you.
Being estranged from a mother can be really difficult. Your question is a good one but also difficult one. Perhaps you could say something like this is my mom and sister but we have so many years of challenges that I don't even consider them "my sister" and "my mother."
OR
You could say something like this is distant family, mom and sister. And then move on.
Keep in mind that you don't owe anyone an explanation. You want to choose a short and sweet set of words that you are comfortable with.
9:20 🤗Thru All The Technical Difficulties
Respect &Gratitude 💞
That's true!! hahahaha
I'm more interested in sibling estrangement where one sibling goes no contact and it has happened over a long period and most likely will not change. This is my own experience. I had to go no contact with my older brother because of obsessive his stalking of my life and reporting back to my family and friends. Additionally, I think this type of sibling estrangement would be easier to quantify with research. I am interested in the reasons that trigger this type of sibling estrangement.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
My ex wife and I have struggled with abuse from my mother and sister for our entire thirteen year relationship. From the first time they met my wife they were rude and judgmental. Even made comments about my wife’s family. After several attempts to explain our pain, our perspective, and examples of their behavior, they continued to be manipulative, controlling, and plain evil. My ex and I have a great relationship and recently reunited after a two year separation. As soon as my family heard we were back together, they started the same behaviors again. The two years we were separated they didn’t reach out and try to mend any relationship with me. Now they “all of a sudden” want to be apart of my life. Do I try and explain the events again or just cut communication all together? Thank you for any feedback and the information you share.
It sounds like they simply don't like your choice in partner and have acted out as a result. It's unbelieveable, however, to see how far a family would go to interfere or make their feelings known. You certainly have to protect your space until things are or ever worked out. I'm sorry.
It really has to be your decision to determine if you should explain things to them. Explanining things may allow them some time to process why you are where you are in your life now. Not explaining things could keep them thinking in the past and behaving as if they are in the past. But it also isn't your job to educate them. Choose what is best for you and what you are comfortable with doing.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you for your feedback and perspective. It’s been exhausting trying to explain to them I’m not the boy they once knew. We are a broken family with death and addiction involved. They tend to think they can control who I see and what I do. It’s absolutely unhealthy! I’m in my forties! Obviously there is more to the story…but
I’m letting them go for good and all the toxic relationships I have. I’m only dedicating time to those who support and love myself and family.
It’s all true.
📗🖍️
First plumbing issues and now, a/c issues? You sound like you are having the year that we are having! Ugh! Lol Our hot water heater decided to give up on us the other day. When it rains, it pours!
This made me think of an instance that my step MIL overshared about her other son's issues with us. Not huge issues but embarrassing potentially. I thought she was just venting to us (still not really appropriate) but now, I kind of feel it was smear campaign-ish. Regardless, very odd to feel the need to discuss/vent anything with us but then again, inappropriate comments is not new with her.
hahahahahah! I feel like I am stuck in a twilight zone. I really do. My grandmother used to say "never ask what can happen next because something is bound to happen next!"
But that does seem odd. It sounds like she isn't sure where she belongs. She would do better not to say anything.