My Husband Has Deceived Me for 29 Years (Is It Over?)
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- čas přidán 3. 08. 2024
- My Husband Has Deceived Me for 29 Years (Is It Over?)
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It's not that she doesn't want people to judge her husband, it's that she doesn't want them to judge _her_ for being married to him for 29 years. Sweetie, this isn't your fault.
Exactly. She KNOWS people will say, "well you picked him." Yeah, I picked a kind man who had no trace of this person at ALL.
Being addicted to porn is nomal in marriage. Problem is if you are addicted to porn and you are still single. Just like me.
@@richardv9648 No, porn addiction in marriage is NOT normal. It’s a problem whether you’re single or married. Please get help while you’re single, so you don’t drag it into marriage.
@@richardv9648 I find that people that say something is "normal" or "everyone does it" is making excuses for why THEY themselves do it.
@@gaylenesawatzky5710 Thank you.
This is a whole different level of betrayal and disrespect to your wife. There’s no coming back from this.
Boy, bye!
Oh... my... God. This story is INSANE. Her husband not only talked to ex's, has a pr0n addiction, went to forums, but brought her into that weirdo world and said he wanted to watch someone else with her... the safety/intimate/honesty violations are off the charts. He could have arranged someone to fulfill his desires and she could have been none the wiser thinking her husband was supporting her in the aftermath of that trauma. I don't even know what to say, other than, STAY AWAY FROM HIM and bring ALL this BS to court when she files for divorce.
I was yelling RUN! during this whole episode
Oh no no nooooo! He is out of my life. Period! And I will make sure everyone knows who he is!
Calm down. Men watch porn. Men have fantasy’s she would do him a favor if she divorced him trust me
The fact that he posted pictures of her online is truly criminal in my analysis. As bad as this is, I'd be willing to bet that there's a lot more that he did that she's not aware of. Very disturbing stuff.
For me that's the unforgivable part of the whole thing. Everything I could have dealt with and accepted, but that is just completely violating.
She should file criminal charges and divorce him.
It is. He put her safety at risk. What if a man who thought that she was a willing participant in those kind of activities had seen her in public and approached her sexually. She could have been sexually assaulted.
I'm shocked she hasn't divorced him. She's given up her power in this relationship. Walk away . Saying he is the one fighting with the Insurance Company is just nonsence. Nothing is stopping her from getting therapy but herself. This man is very weak and lost. Who knows what he's actually done .
They would have to be nude photos. The law is specific.
His response to getting caught is the most telling part of this. There is so much more he hasn't told her and never will.
That's how it always is. They're sorry they got caught, not sorry for what they did.
I’m glad he just continued to lie to my face with a dumb look on his. 😮😮😮
Agreed
Correct. He will never change and she is naive to believe he would. Praying for her strength to free herself from this hell.
He wasn’t in deep shame for what he had done-he was deeply ashamed that he had been caught.
Absolutely 100%
That's not just a violation or cheating, Dr. John. It's a crime. It's called non-consensual pornography with photos like this. It's so sad that so many women don't know this.
They must be nude photos.. The law is specific.
There’s a difference between inappropriate and illegal. They were not nudes so it was not illegal. But yes it was completely inappropriate.
@wecanonlywish9194 that depends entirely on where you are. In my country the photos do not have to be naked.
@@silversmoke6 May I ask what country it is that you live?
Inappropriate in her opinion. The way she described her cloths she was showing less than on the beach in a bikini 👙. She needs some perspective. Also, you never tell friends and family about your spouses sexual fantasies. Never. That is a violation beyond cheating imo. She's obviously a prude and he never felt safe to share with her. John is a complete worthless simp. @@smittyvidz25fire84
This happened to me (discovering lies) within 5 years of marriage. I am now happily divorced. Run, Rebecca. And do not look back.
Good for you, glad you got out.
We werent married but mannnn 6 years into a relationship i learned that my ex was concealing a MAJOR porn addiction. Prior to, i had no idea what the *symptoms* of this was so i was blindsided. It turned into a cuck fetish for him and he wanted me to have sex with his coworker in front of him, he was watching disturbing stuff. Near the end every time wed argue he was shutting himself in the office for days and literally getting sexually aggressive in his sleep but couldnt get it up otherwise. I dont want to know what’s lurking in that dudes hard drive 😬
@@secretaryofoffense7118mine was the same except for he was a candaulist which is akin to a cuck.
Same. 18 yrs in. Mine had an open mind in bedroom.. it still didn't stop the lies.
@@secretaryofoffense7118 What are the signs? 😳😳 I am sorry you went through that. 🫶
I was married to a man just like this for 17 years and i can tell you unequivocally, once a perv, ALWAYS a perv, he will never change and he will never stop 💔
Wow I am so sorry. I am so happy that you're free.
Yes and unfortunately it would only get worse the more they feed into it the harder it will be to please their habit. Staying will only reinforce the behavior. I hope you’re better after that.
Usually because the consequences don’t hit hard enough. In previous generations, ppl would be absolutely shunned for stuff like this. Could lose business, social standing and everything. I’m not talking about the accepted streams such as good ole boys clubs etc that approved of this kind of stuff, but mainly, your name and reputation would be mud and ppl wouldn’t want to have anything to do with you. In this twisted generation it is sooo accepted and ppl just forgive and forget abs the person never is forced to learn a lesson. This dooms many ppl to the hot place. Some lessons will save your eternal soul if you let them.
Why would you stay married to a pervert for 17 years? That’s a long time to stay with someone that you claim is a pervert.
@@Solitaire427 for an outsider, it's an easy question to ask
He is supposed to be protecting her but he puts her out there for sexual predators. This is the unforgivable part. Everything else is a hard pill to swollow but this should make her run
1000000%
He's a sexual predator too.....
@@ashleyflicker1646 yep....
Well, he certainly has no respect for her. Like people are saying, this is most probably the tip of the Iceberg. This woman's marriage has been a total lie, I feel so sorry for her, the betrayal she is feeling must be immense. The trust has been destroyed, she will forever be looking over her shoulder, wondering. This is not a good way to live your life, as resentment will prevail. As hard as it is, in my opinion, there is no way back in the marriage, that has basically become a sham.
And then there’s my husband: I’m feeling uncomfortable with a friends father, I just look at him and mouthed the words “go?”.
He jumped up and started packing and we left. Told him the story in the car and we had an amazing night at home with each other.
He’s proud of me and having me as his wife, but as soon as I start feeling uncomfortable, he is there to ease my comfort.
He’s the first person I’ve encountered that doesn’t make me feel like I have an outside. He loves ME.
Attempting to traffic his wife on the internet without her knowledge 😨 that would be terrifying and disturbing to find. I don’t know how anyone would repair a relationship with that level of betrayal and broken trust.
And who's to know how far he'd go. Like, if someone agreed to meet with them, and her not knowing, would the husband ask or just force/drug her...
@@Fhornergal I thought the same. Frightening!
@@lademoiselleketoret6958me too
He put her safety at risk with no consideration for what might happen to her.
Absolutely terrifying!
Wow. When she said her husband was sending pics of her to random people, I’m speechless. 😬
Oh, Rebecca, I know how you feel. I’m going through a similar thing. The “good guy” image is only an image. You never knew him! He never let you know him. It’s not your fault. Everything you thought you knew was a lie that he fabricated. He stole 29 years of your life, your love and your trust! There’s nothing to save here. RUN! He’s proven how little you mean to him. You were nothing more than an object to him for his image. You deserve so much more. You were authentic to him. YOU DESERVE AUTHENTICITY! He stole your reality! I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
People are a mixed bag, what she experienced of him was him and what she didn't know was him too. She may very well want a divorce but the 28 years weren't a total lie.
Women need to have higher standards for themselves. Girl, LEAVE HIM.
YES MAM they do....many of them are in denial or are brainwashed to have poor self-esteem after many years with a toxic spouse!
It always amazes me how women will tolerate the highest level of disrespect rather than be alone.
@@erinmurray4231 it's the sad sad truth!! Tragic!
@@erinmurray4231 Women like that don’t realize they’re already alone.
Women have much higher standards for men typically because of social media. Also a big reason women initiate most divorces. Both Men and Women need firm boundaries.
You do not need to tolerate this nightmare, you can walk, run away.( 73 yrs old RN.) Get a great life and march forward.
As a woman, I could not get past this. I'd rather start over, solo, than start over with a man so at ease with lying on this level. The marriage as she knew it is over, and sadly her husband was hiding this ugliness all along.
Cognitive resonance. You can't understand what it means to break a long term marriage unless you have. You will do anything to not lose that person. Even when someone is dying and you know there is no way around it happening you will pretty much force them to do exercises and eat the right foods right up to the end, even though the end is already here.
@@elainenilsson5472 Someone dying is COMPLETELY different like apple and oranges! You vow to be there through sick ess and health.
He was not faightful to her he lied and betrayed her and in a screwed up way sexually abused her BEHIND HER BACK AND GASLIT her till there was no more denial! Like he did not even admit and apologize until the very end but tried to make her look nuts for accusing him of the truth.
There is no way of overcoming this kind of trust betrayal. At least I could not imagine after him gaslighting him and not owning up to her that there would be a way. I think he is completely right the only way is for them to seperate for once and him going through the process of actually losing her and having to face that he has to regain her from -0
Wow smh u can’t hold it down
@@elainenilsson5472 ….there is a sunk cost fallacy and fear of being alone. The regret that all you’ve worked for together will be thrown out. But one day, you finally realize that you’ve actually been alone for a very long time. And you’re not throwing anything, he did.. you’re just cleaning up.
@@strnglhld Well, he was alone too. He died alone. There was on one there to call an ambulance for him. It is not safe to be alone.
I had a strong friend who's husband was a "saint pillar of the church" who "took in" homeless guys for sex in 1955. (She cooked and cleaned for them!). No one in small town USA then acknowleged such things. She had to leave him and tell no one for kids' reputations & wouldn't be believed. She protected her kids.
She survived. Went on to marry a trustworthy man and had a good life.
How sick and sad for her. Thank God she got away from him, without any STD and found love.
It's hard to imagine anything like this happening in 1955, it's sad.
@Air Force to Civilian Chronicles only surprising bc there was no social media. It actually was much easier to live a deviant lifestyle in that time bc the expectation of societal accountability for Anglo Saxon protestant white males was next to 0 and they knew this. It's only in recent years with the feminist and civil rights movements and the advancement of the media that things changed.
Some people are truly sickened. I am glad she made it out safe.
@@texan903 Things like that have been happening for centuries. You ever heard of the Roman orgies?
Her husband “pimped” her out on the internet. There is no going back from this.
Girl please read the comments and DIVORCE.
It’s not our marriage, its not for us to decide.
@@ghhm2705 u r the guy aren't u?
I said it before and I'll say it again, this woman needs to check with her insurance provider. I doubt this man has actually been "fighting with the insurance company" for 10 months! Talk about stalling. Getting or having coverage for marital counseling is pretty mainstream.
Why is she still trusting him with anything????
Because she wants to remain in the fairytale that she thought was her life.
I know right? They're endless options where you pay out of pocket for counseling services these days. You can even do it from your smart device. This guy is stalling.
Habit. ☹
Yeah, he's a total liar. She needs to divorce him, obtain a civil judgement against him and, since he tried to traffic her, the FBI should be involved. He should be in jail.
Yep. It happened to me, almost exactly. I left him flat with no looking back, no regrets and feeling 100% fine.
👍👏☝🙌💪🙏😘🙏 This Woman on the Channel must have the lowest self-esteem, or the lowest value, FORGET LOVE or CUSTOM@THIS POINT...GROSS DISGUSTING MAN 😒😝...To go back to that trash/sewer/garbage...I rather start over big time...🙏😔🙏
Wow can’t hold him down smh
@@MooMoo69556 he definitely wasn't holding her down.
How long was he doing it behind your back before you noticed?
@@Solitaire427 Laughing, from the start. All 13 years, then he wanted to go to marriage counseling when he got caught. Nope. Done. I didn’t find out about all the others until the end.
He definitely never quit. Just better at hiding. These people can never be trusted. Also, never let a man take sexy photos of you even if you have a great relationship.
Agree completely because I live with someone like this. Son of a B has lied to me since the day I met him. Can't trust a single thing he says. It NEVER changes and he can never be trusted.
Sadly this is true. I had an ex husband that acted perfectly for 5 yrs but was sharing my nudes in a groupchat with his dad and brothers. Any person can act perfect for years if they think the access to you is worth the effort to pretend
@@heerthbvvff oh my! That is awful. I'm so sorry!
He’sNOT in deep shame, girl. You don’t do something to your wife for DECADES that you are that ashamed of.
Right. He's only ashamed that he got caught.
She should get a health check also…
How do you know? Lol. You're not him.
I don't believe he'll stop. But whether he's ashamed is a different story. People do things they're ashamed off all the time.
Yea. Shame is not a moral compass. Shame is what happens after you don't follow yours.
That's actually not true, shame can actually be a very harmful emotion, it's different from guilt
My friend found out her husband had been inviting women over to their house for s-x while she was sleeping... The divorced, but she never felt comfortable in the house again because she didn't know if one of those people might come back and do her harm. She couldn't sleep and would jump at noises. She sold the house and moved to a secure apartment, and finally she could sleep again.
For the caller, I couldn't imagine the fear of knowing her husband would put her out there to the world as a s-x object. He was supposed to protect her and instead there are people in the community who've seen her pic associated with swingers..
I'd move to another state and divorce asap. New hair cut & color too.
Omg what? Terrible what happened to your friend. I’m glad she got her own life in another apartment now.. Some people have absolutely no shame
Goddamn, that’s insane. I thought you were going to say he was inviting women over when she was away, but just asleep!!!? Wtf. You can trust no one ⚔️
How do you feel safe after that because you don't know who saw your photo and description by your husband ?? And I don't think moving anywhere else makes a difference because the internet for good or bad is everywhere, all the time and if a road rager can be found and doxed then why not her ?
@@Honey-cl9oh You're absolutely right. It's an atrocity what he's done to her. Sadly, I don't think that she has been able to completely comprehend the totality of everything that he's done to her and the repercussions that they could have on her. I think she's so focused on a few of the surface issues, because they were the most hurtful, stunning, and painful. She hasn't begun to dissect the damage he's done. I hope she divorces him. He can never be trusted again.
And people wonder why people are staying single
They are bullying women into becoming miserable wives
Sounds like a good time to me 🧙
Right?! they wonder why more women(and men) are opting out of marriage and having kids! Who wants to put themselves (and potential innocent children) through utter hell? This is a sick world we're living in.
But when it's good, it's amazing❤
@@lifewithlulu1183 Yessssss! ❤️
Abuse is not uncommon; that doesn’t make it okay. All of this man’s behavior is abuse. Full stop.
Men can be selfish and uncaring for their other half.
Praying she’s happily divorced. 🙏
Damn, A husband is meant to protect his wife and sharing her photos and pictures and offering her up in that environment puts her safety at risk. That's some next levelness right there. I'm not sure about coming back from that. Prayers for her. 🙏
You will never heal until you respect yourself enough to get away from him. When someone shows you they do not respect you, believe them.
YES!!!
It's true. They offer only pain.
Best comment in this thread!
I'd divorce as soon as i'd see my photos shared with those disgusting weirdos without my consent. I'd divorce immediately, no questions asked.
Exactly. He's a psychopath... I would have said sociopath, but they aren't great at long term relationships, whereas psychopaths have the ability to act normal much longer and sustain long term relationships, for appearances sake, at least. This man MAY NOT be totally lacking in empathy, but he has a WICKED porn addiction, no question.
There is no way that she could ever trust her pervert of a husband again. He wasn’t humiliated, he was upset that he got caught. He is nothing more than an average pervert and doesn’t deserve her trust or her affection. He cheated on her for years likely.
This is so sick... her husband was literally trying to be her "pimp" essentially. Wow. Extremely horrific. I don't know if I'd personally be able to continue in that marriage. I wish her the best in life and hope she can get through this...
I mean, it's disgusting, but do you know what a pimp is? When did he try to sell her body and keep her money in exchange for things?
Literally.. essentially
I thought that too! He is pimping her! Plain disgusting!
He was trying to traffic her, not pimp.
I can't believe how little of a deal John is making this.This is a huge violation of trust and privacy and I can guarantee you she has no idea how deep this goes. I work with people with sexual addiction and they never tell you everything. She needs to leave him period.
he didn’t even make it a little deal. you’re making the situation sound worse than it actually is. stop villanizing John based on your personal life.
He's not a woman.
Do you have any idea how counseling or therapy works? Wtf is he supposed to do? Cry?
@@sparklesp9304you don’t need to be a woman to feel or be outraged for someone.
What if a man who had seen those pictures and thought that she was a willing participant and seen her somewhere and approached her with in a sexual way, possibly even sexually assaulting her!!! This man took chances with his wife's safety. That's just not acceptable or justifiable in any way. She would be foolish to ever trust him again. I don't believe that he has been fighting with the insurance company for ten months over seeing a marriage counselor, either. This man objectified his wife. That's no love; that's ownership. He deserves no forgiveness. She needs to divorce him and take him for as much as possible. He deserves no consideration because he gave her none.
Not only this but what of employers or others did a background search on her and came up with sex chat room links and pics of her among who know what else... Truly betraying and completely irredeemable.
@@birddeebirdify definitely.
He's probably going to still use the photos even post divorce. That's how fucked in the head these guys are. For her safety she should find the best attorney possible and possible consequences if she encounters any further duress on his part.
Big "what ifs"
What if his brothers saw the photos? What if his parents did? Imagine people at her work saw this. I would die.
The anger she describes sounds more like mind numbing panic. Part of her knows it's done and she's unsafe if she continues.
Can you imagine walking down the street and having strangers recognize you from a sex chat room because your husband posted your photo without your knowledge and consent? Job interview? That is so beyond what I could ever come back from... marriage over
Don't need to call Dr. Delony. Just leave your husband and call a lawyer.
I don't think she is going to leave
Yes, it is over. If my husband showed my nude photos to strangers, I will divorce him right away. I will warn the woman after me and he will never get laid ever. 😡
The husband in this story sounds like a husband who will sell his wife to other men so that he can watch them sexually assault his wife. Scary.😰
You have "nude" photos? I don't expect an answer. That's private. But, it sure seems like step one..
The photos were not nude photos she stated that. It was photos of her with tank top and shorts on
She is experiencing betrayal trauma. Joining a betrayal trauma group would be incredibly beneficial and healing for her. Saying it out loud to friends and family is fine and good, but you run the risk of being "crushed", as he says, because they just don't understand if they haven't been where she is. But sharing with others who are experiencing the same thing and hearing their stories, as well, is very beneficial. It's a much safer space, and lots of potential for deep healing and connection with people who understand, when you're feeling so isolated and devastated.
This is better advice than she got here
I 100% agree with this. It was my experience recovering from betrayal trauma in family relationships. (I discovered my two siblings were abusing my elderly demented mother in their care, almost to her death and destitution.) I lost friendships over it because they could not comprehend the level of injury I was experiencing (cognitive dissonance, extreme hit to my executive functioning, emotional dysregulation, PTSD, etc.). It was 18 months until I found a true peer group of people trying to recover from betrayal trauma that my healing began (along with a certified trauma therapist). Also, when betrayal comes from within a family system, people think the relationships "should be" salvageable for the sake of family unity when in reality those family members are actually very dangerous and must never have access to your life.
There is extreme grief involved in this situation specific to the loss of those family relationships but also extended family relationships, friendships, coworkers, neighbors, etc. BUT the good that comes out of all of that is that you see people for exactly who they are, not for who they pretend to be, and while your circle of trustworthy people shrinks considerably, the people who remain are truly the best humanity has to offer and you are CERTAIN of it.
Six years later, I am still a member of my peer group; we meet monthly,. Also, having a peer group meets your need to talk out loud about your recovery from the betrayal trauma with people who fully get it, and keep your other relationships free from that conversation.
Absolutely!!!
At the 6:00 mark, you will NEVER EVER trust him again. What she is experiencing is CPTSD, and those flashbacks/triggers are very common to this kind of betrayal trauma. RUN SIS RUN!!!!! And build a new life and forget that old one.
I have CPTSD from betrayal trauma that happened over 24 years ago, been married for almost 45 years. It’s a total love/hate history guts relationship. Had small kids and it was not at all affordable back then to leave. The body keeps the score and actually folks are brain damaged from this type of abuse. Shrunken amygdala and other complex physical/mental issues. There is better.
I’ve been there. My church and family blamed me for not wanting to be married and breaking my vows when he was the one who did all that. I refused to pronounce his sins. I went through recovery and ended up married to an amazing man and we have been married for 30 years. It is possible to recover. Blessings and peace to you!
He sounds like an absolute creep, she should run as fast as she can!! 😱
Walk away. Grieve the loss of the husband you THOUGHT you had. People like that will tell you what you want to hear to hide who they are.
Admit that you’re terrified of facing life alone with such grief. Move on. HEAL.
I wouldn't put up with that. Personally, I'd file for divorce.
Like asap
For the majority of cases, I find when people file for divorce, the majority are too immature to deal with working through conflict...
This woman HAS to file for divorce. Her husband put her in serious danger with online weirdos taking it upon themselves to fulfill his fantasy without her even knowing his secret.
Please can I recommend the caller gets the book, "Boundaries and goodbyes - Loving others without losing the best of who you are" by Lisa Turkest. All the best in your healing❤
I'm gonna look like up. Thank you
That is an excellent recommendation. Lysa really went through it.
Just finished that book. Also recommend
* Lysa Terkeurst
It's so sickening what women will forgive men for. I know a lady who found out her husband was sexually abusing her adopted kids on 2 separate occasions, and instead of kicking out the husband, she gives the kids to another family. The one girl, she sent back to live with the biological mom who promptly put the girl back into sex work
Oh my gosh, that is terrible.
Some women would do anything for a man
You have a duty to report that no matter the outcome immediately.
I’m dealing with a predator in my area and the biggest issue I’m running into is WOMEN. They will defend a predatory man and blame the victims (children) almost every single time. 😢
It's sickening what men will forgive women for.
She needs to leave him now! What she found was probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Proceed with caution. They tell us,often, what they think we need/want to hear.
who's "they"?
@@aladdout9454 Men....not all but many
Women say they want honesty all the time, but when you give it to them they get defensive or hurt when you tell them the truth. Grow a backbone.
They SURE do. 😢
@@lynnlakotich6331 just because you tell the truth doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt someone's feelings. Being honest doesn't mean you get off scot-free and not have to suffer any consequences.
It happened to me and I left him. Never turned back. Best decision ever!
Awesome!! You have to be your own best friend!!
Smart lady!! I can’t believe there’s even a question here!! lol!
There should be no "till death do us part" with an abuser.
Right?? What is wrong with Dr John in this call?
He has religious listeners and some of those think marriage should be death to us part even when a man is hitting a women.
No there should be. The abuse is the death of the relationship and when you depart from them.
@@sarcodonblue2876as a Christian I find his advice dangerous at times. I'm pretty sure I have seen him gaslight a man on this show. The man had valid concerns and it boiled down to a lack of
communication but he blamed it all on the man and told the guy he hates his wife when the guy was just frustrated and wanted help talking to her about his concerns. I don't know about "religious" people but the bible does not tell you to stay with an abuser. And it also says if a man sins in his heart he has committed that sin. If he has committed adultery in his mind then he is an adulterer and she is free to leave him.
@@stillpril8942 The Bible says many things that contradict one another and you can pick and choose what you want to try and prove your point. I have heard religious people make absurd claims using the bible and say very sexist things towards women and I don't consider the Bible an authority on anything.
If she stays I’m sure he’ll just get better at hiding it. 10 months and they still haven’t been to therapy? This is an emergency situation for their marriage.
Exactly. As if he's so interested in insurance paying for sessions instead of forking over the money. More lies for sure.
Her intuition was affirmed after her investigation
Luke 8:17
For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.
Facts.
Amen.
That’s probably referring to judgement day but I may be wrong
Amen.
I could never feel safe living with him after him sending pictures to other people. That’s pretty much him sex trafficking her without her knowing. Put her in so much danger :(
It was dishusting and perverted,
but not sex tracking
It took me three years to feel like I could even breath again after discovery. I encourage you to find a good therapist that understands trauma and visit that therapist as often as possible for as long as necessary. Hugs
Yup 3 years before you really as start to feel normal again
No -- my husband and I went through a similar thing. The man you married is a cheating piece of garbage but he hid it as long as he could. Don't walk - RUN RUN RUN.
Her husband is awful person! What a betrayal! He had the nerve to gaslight her????? She needs to leave. This man is not worth having in her life
It’s because he was gaslighting himself the whole time. Betrayers live in a lie so they want ppl to accept the lie they’ve created for themselves as well.
Shut the door and move on. He won't change for long, my situation was similar. He will cry, kick and scream, and you will miss him. It will always be there, and you will drive yourself insane wondering if he's still doing it. Don't let him waste your time. Good luck to you.
I don't know that real recovery of that level of betrayal, is possible. When you find out lies of that caliber have been happening for YEARS, wouldn't you always doubt him? Wouldn't your own behavior of "no need to babysit" go out the window, not by choice!? Oooff, I feel for this woman.
@@wordsalad01 Oh, he’s cheated on her physically. He’s just lying about it if he says he hasn’t.
True.
And she is lying about saying she had no idea any of this was happening. Of course she had some idea this was happening. If she did not have any idea this was happening, then she was completely disconnected from her life partner.
No way through this but out. He isn’t worth staying with. He isn’t even a real person.
Rebecca is going to have to go ahead and enter long-term therapy, and file for divorce. Her husband doesn't respect her autonomy, her privacy, or their marriage. Divorce is tragically her only option to fully recover from this. Marriage is such a fragile relationship.
It’s probably the tip of the iceberg if he was putting her picture out there… I think it’s a scary situation for her.
Run. Life’s way too short.
What kind of man wants to see their spouse with another person? The fact he shared photos without her knowledge/permission is unforgivable.
Agree with John 100% on the red line being when the fella started showing photos of his wife without her consent. Wouldn't surprise me at all if he had far more dangerous and illegal material on his computer.
It's all a red line.
If he was really remorseful and cared about her, he'd say "I understand" and cooperate in the divorce.
🎯🎯🎯
True that.
Let him go. And, don’t take him back. You deserve better. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Oh... my... God. This story is INSANE. Your husband not only talked to ex's, has a pr0n addiction, went to forums, but brought you into that weirdo world and said he wanted to watch someone else with you... the safety/intimate/honesty violations are off the charts. He could have arranged someone to fulfill his desires and you could have been none the wiser thinking your husband was supporting you in the aftermath of that trauma. I don't even know what to say, other than, STAY AWAY FROM HIM and bring ALL this BS to court when you file for divorce.
Wow u can’t even give him another chance
@@MooMoo69556 No. Not after this level of betrayal. It’s utterly disgusting.
@@MooMoo69556 🤣
I am sorry to hear about this. Honestly, life is too short to be with someone who is a cheater.
I had a similar experience but only after a 7 year marriage except with cheating. I realized I was in love with someone that didn’t exist and I didn’t even know who I was married to. It was much easier to move on once I realized this. Even though he did “nice things” to support me, at the core he literally wasn’t who I thought he was and I didn’t fall in love with “him,” I fell in love with a figment of my imagination. I really feel for this caller. I’m actually afraid for her based on what all he has justified. I would feel so emotionally violated.
Why is there such unrealestic expectation that men should only be satisfied with their wives?
@@richardv9648 what a terrible reply to this comment
Same here, after being married 6 years. It’s frightening to realize I was married to a stranger.
@@richardv9648 You are free to be satisfied by yourself. 🤡 No one is forcing you to get married.
@@richardv9648 Do you send D pics? I bet you do!
As painful as it is to acknowledge, he's been emotionally over the marriage for a long time. The sooner you can recognize that, the sooner you can move on to a better place for yourself.
🎯🎯🎯
Facts
Exactly and I believe that she has been emotionally over the marriage also. How disconnected do you have to be from a person to not recognize that they’re doing horrible things behind your back. Both of them were completely disconnected from each other.
Yup. He divorced her years ago. 😥🥺
“I had no idea he was capable of doing something like this.” I’ve sadly learned everyone is capable of horrible things with enough incremental and increasingly bad decisions.
He is NOT remorseful. He’s been doing this for yearsssss
What a disgusting man to put her pictures without her consent. This is outrageous.
You can tell she has a good heart and I want her to be happy and feel safe. I wish there were follow ups.
I agree using her pictures is crossing the line.
It's was all crossing lines.
It sounded like he was pretty much putting her up for auction. What if one of these men saw her in real life and attacked her thinking she was an offered up object?
I have not heard of that happening.
@@canelareina3795I have. It happened to my best friend.
My husband was a porn addict for 23 years, HE LIED Hundreds of times when I asked if he was doing porn because I knew something was wrong. It sucks when I found him with his internet girlfriend. There are no words for the grief you go through. He has been porn free for a year now. I am not well emotionally, the damage feels unrepairable at times. I don't know who he really is, nothing feels the same. Most days I am really mad that this is my life. I have been a good faithful wife and this is how he repaid me.
I met a woman who did web cam and phone chat work. She told me her best clients were not single. Some even asked her to be their girlfriend. She worked a regular job as a cover for her s*x work. She said her relationships in real life never work out
@@starrjohnson1327 I hate to say it but married men are the most untrustworthy.
why stay?
I hope you are getting good counseling, so that you can figure out your next healthy steps. Love and prayers for you.
You need to take the trash out.
I'm a divorced husband of 2 years and something happened similarly to me but reversed (ex wife cheated profusely, had no idea) and it about destroyed me.
Can't imagine how I'd react at 29 years.
That absolutely sucks. Sorry that happened to you.
@@LadyMarigoldWithers thank you
@@wordsalad01 oh for sure. I’ve never felt more stupid in my life. I like to think I’ll never be that oblivious again but it’s made it very difficult to trust other women. Or anyone telling the truth in general.
@@jtlegionnaire6310 I was married 26 years and my ex husband had a whole other life. Upstanding church man and had all kinds of stuff going on. I’ve been divorced 12 years and I still don’t trust. I just can’t bring myself to that level of connection again.
It’s very sad to lose trust & desire for deep connection again… but understandable when you’ve been traumatized by betrayal and hurt so deeply.
I am sorry to say that he will not change. Please don't go back to that. When you go back, they think it's all ok and they are in the clear. It's not our job to fix them. We may have thought we could, but we can't. People will not understand. They may give you the "you know how hard it is to be alone" , which will scare you. But you will move past that eventually. Be strong, you are not alone.
Past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior...Dr. Phil
I am worried for this woman's safty. What other personal information of hers did he put out there and who received it?
She is not safe.
The dark part of the internet is unimaginable. The people who seek dark things there are very dangerous. I don't understand not telling this woman to RUN !!!
That cuts so deep. Poor woman, I hope she can move on somehow and find a new life without this sick, sick man.
There are matters you take to counselling, there are those you work through and then there is this!! This is the kind you get a lawyer first thing in the morning!!!
So sorry to hear this. But he's right, you will have the gift of finding out who your true friends are, and you'll probably have to give some "friends" up as well, depending on how they respond to your pain. My heart breaks for you!
I don't think she is "protecting him", but rather protecting the image she's created of her perfect life. She is likely even still posting photos of them at Apple orchards, on social media. That isn't an attack, it's just not that uncommon.
But the fact that he wouldn't be honest when confronted.
Appreciated his feedback to talk to close friends. Often I read that we should not share
our stories, but for me it has been impossible to hold the hurt to myself.
Betrayal trauma is a real thing in relationships - especially long term marriages.
I wish her the best in the journey to wholeness.
Sometimes you need to hear friends say, "That is not normal."
Her husband lowered the hedge of privacy and protection over their marriage when he tried to pimp her out to only god knows who! He defiled their marriage bed. He has zero rights to demand privacy now. She is absolutely free to share the intimacies now with her friends for her own mental health and recovery. He made their marriage bed a public spectacle without her knowing, so…he broke the fence. Not her. She is dealing with the fall out. He exposed himself!
@@wildolive3630 oh absolutely!
To heal from it, she needs to get away from it. Disgusting what she was put through.
I can't believe she is saying 'I don't want people to judge my husband' while what she is really meaning is 'I don't want to be judged as dumb and worthless for the horrible faults of my husband that I ignored and I am still choosing to ignore. May be I will discover that someone else or many people were knowing all the time'.
What abuse can do to people.....
This man has totally violated his own wife. 😪 I am so sorry you can bet you are not safe with this man.
Delighted to be listening in from Scotland …. thanks for the good work Dr J and team 😊
One year of healing for every 5 years of marriage is my experience 😢
I was married to a man like this (perpetual liar, secret life, sex addiction that turned into massively illegal behaviors). The first big discovery nearly broke me but I was committed to my marriage and wanted to believe he had changed. Seven years later, I discovered he'd never stopped and it had only gotten worse. We separated 10 years ago and divorcing was hell, but I was able to heal and get healthy and was single for a long time doing that work. I now have a healthy relationship and a new marriage and am realizing there are so many things I allowed and put up with for way too long because I didn't realize what healthy felt like. This isn't a matter of he just stops and now he's who you always thought. You both need to put in a lot of work to heal. I got to a point where I wasn't able to continue to heal by staying with my ex and I'm so happy I left and started to understand my own worth and value. It has been worth all the pain and struggle to get here.
Poor woman, she's been so gaslighted she completely lost her self in 29 years deceit and lies. Go find yourself hon, you got to do this for yourself and not your "marriage". Your marriage is done honey, it's busting in flames and you still fanning the flames hoping to save it. Best of luck dear.
She should just leave. Then she will have peace of mind.
If she wants to stay with him, she shouldn't tell friends and relatives. That opens a whole bag of worms and as a couple, they will never have normal relationships with those people again. I think this one is beyond repair.
Not necessarily. If you tell people, the person who did it is held accountable. If he stays, it's his shame to carry, not hers.
Run. The damage and insanity never heal. I beg you. Leave. He’s a liar. You deserve better. He’s a cheater. He got caught.
Forgiveness is overrated, particularly when there is a deep betrayal, like this one. Move on from him, or this betrayal, what flavor the rest of your life that you spent with him. Good luck.
People often confuse forgiveness with reconciliation and an “okaying” of what the person did. It is neither of those things. But forgiveness definitely needs to be happen.
Also, I don’t believe he had quit overnight. As a recovering addict (not porn, but substances, but an addict is an addict is an addict) I can attest that NOBODY WITH A TRUE ADDICTION QUITS OVERNIGHT! (and 29 years of active addiction certainly trumps MY time of being active and it took ME a just a BIT longer than overnight to kick a habit) that being said: I’m sure my loved
Ones would’ve grasped at the idea if I had fed it to them…not calling her naive. As a matter of fact, it shows how much she Wants him to have been telling the truth. Us addicts don’t just wreak havoc upon our own lives, and we don’t think about that when we are balls deep in active addiction..only
After.
Boy I hate to say it but I can relate to some of this. The feeling that my lie-dar is broken has had a very negative effect on my life. My story isnt the exactly the same, but it doesnt have to be. It has gotten better. It has been 10 years and the saddest part of this story is that for him, discovery led to him healing and for me...I felt whole before and afterwards I was shattered.
Omg! Gaslighting and the slow release of revelations never freely given, but only admitting when confronted with irrefutable proof and blaming me. Ugh! I remember.
Where it crossed the line for John is that he shared pictures of her?? I was shocked that John said that. This has many layers of infidelity, and it started when he was sharing his fantasies with people other than his wife.
Infidelity is never okay but you have to understand this is John’s world as a counselor. He works with so many people who cheat and have been cheated on so while he’s not excusing cheating it’s not as out of the norm for him as it is for us.
You can forgive cheating. But it crosses a HUGE boundary when he’s putting up your image without your consent. I agree with John. That’s where it crossed for me too. He doesn’t respect her as a human being let alone as his wife. That’s why it’s much greater than just infidelity.
@@flashthecorgi2053 - it’s not even that. As a counselor he’s likely helped a lot of people overcome infidelity in their marriage.
He wasn't saying it to justify the act, but the act of sharing her online crosses the line of what is considered normal in the world of cheating. He's now in the area of trafficking his wife. It could lead to her physically being hurt as opposed to him getting off by someone other than her. They are very different things.
@@umiluvexactly
I found out my husband, whom I’ve been with for 9 years and married for 4 years, has a teenage kid. I found a letter from Child support services. Confronted him and he lied saying that it was in regards to his friends child support issues that he had gotten drug into years ago. Flat out lie. Confronted him again once I had solid evidence this was regarding HIS kid. His reasoning for not telling me was that it wasn’t any of my business, because it happened before we were together. Our relationship and resulting marriage would not have happened if I had known he already was an absentee dad. I have never wanted children nor did I want anything to do with someone else’s kid. Suck a f-ing betrayal that he lied about his past. But he’s so quick to throw my past back in my face when it’s convenient for him. Scum bag.
Sounds like you BOTH have a "past" that needs to be addressed...
Forgive him
No he lied about a huge thing cut your losses
@@canelareina3795 why?
@@BagznBirdz Because it is so popular to have boundaries and deal breakers and see red flags
And break up
And not marry.
The only time this channel *doesnt* want a break up is when the problem is that a woman refuses sex, got fat and sloppy, or the man is in the rainbow.
I listen to marvel at how bad the advise is.
It is subversion.
Do you know what the strange thing is? She believes him about struggling with the insurance.