THIS is how you become more securely attached
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - How to create secure attachment
01:01 - Attachment styles
02:03 - Step 1: One small promise
03:58 - Step 2: Do things you love
05:07 - Step 3: Leave your comfort zone
06:17 - Step 4: Express yourself
I was anxiously attached. I used to have chronic insomnia and very insecure in relationships. Very much was a people pleaser. But since making promises every day, stepping into my power and setting boundaries with my mother (this was terrifying at first) and now I’m more secure than ever. I ended a 20 year addiction to cannabis and I now sleep peacefully. I hope this comment give hope to anyone out there struggling with insecure attachment style. We have the power in all of us to change how we relate to others. Btw your videos are amazing - they’re the clearest explanations I’ve seen of different emotional issues. Thank you for doing what you do 🙏
I'm very proud of you ❤
How do you speak when a situation bothers you? How do you set the boundaries? Is it right away or do you call the person later?
Ughhh I need to get off the weed tit once and for all…
Yes . Nichole is the best. I come to get to learn everyday .
I can relate to this so much. I'm on a very similar journey. Thanks for sharing
“Keep a promise of yourself.” I love this.
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My small promise is to use the bathroom when I feel I have to go. As opposed to disdain of my body’s needs and just pushing it to the side until I can’t anymore. As I go on, I will add the same responsiveness and care to hunger, being sleepy, needing to withdraw, etc. No more contempt for my body’s needs.
Everyone talks about doing things that you love, but no one really talks about how to even know what you love, especially when depression is already involved. I'm constantly told I should do something I enjoy, but the problem is that *I don't know what that is* and I don't have the energy for it.
Hi, video games, houseplants, & veggie & herb gardening.
Don't do online games, they're addictive. I'm a 48 year old female veteran with PTSD & bouts of depression.
Hi, I was teaching exactly what you said over the weekend. If you were raised with parents who never supported you to discover your talents or consistently shamed you for failing/ making a mess/ breaking something when you tried new things, OR you ended up as a codependent focussed on looking after everyone else and trying to keep the peace in your family, you would not have had the chance or the confidence to spread your wings and learn who you really are. You have essentially lost you own sense of self. You can discover it. You can give yourself the opportunity. You can decide to reparent yourself and start allowing yourself to try new things just to figure out whether you like it or are good at it. And in doing so you start discovering your talents and abilities. However, I do recommend reading Robert Jackman's book Heal Your Inner Child and doing the exercises in the accompanying workbook as you will find it easier to spread your wings and try new things if you work through the inner trauma that caused you to lose yourself in the first place. I did this and found the freedom to find myself afterwards. I pray blessing and freedom on to you.
What did you like doing when you were a child/teenager? Me it was dancing & singing. I do that in my kitchen now. Or drawing? Reading, just a quick walk outside will help you.
@@cecilec7512 It's hard for me to answer because I wasn't really given much opportunity to explore those things as a child. I grew up poor and in chaotic family dynamics.
I do like singing and reading, and I do those things sometimes. I'm in a bit better of a spot than when I wrote that comment. It's still hard sometimes, though.
You are awesome 💓
Keep trying 🌞
I've been working though your workbook as my promise to myself. I will say something kind of silly that I did a few years ago to help me learn the scope of positive emotions that my 'so serious' brain would never let me focus on was to watch Hallmark movies. I noticed that when I was around people who were very happy and in love, or sappy movies or watching healthy parenting I would feel angry and I avoided these things and made fun of them. After I started doing the work I realized why this was the case and deep inside it was bc of what I missed out on. I decided to reparent myself through the positive(sometimes overly sappy and a tad unrealistic but why not choose the best possible for myself) and I used these movies and shows as modeling for my brain. I started practicing saying the things they would say(in my own genuine not rehearsed way) and doing the activities they would do and low and behold after about a year of this I stopped being angry at everyone and everything who was sentimental or sappy. I just simply decided that I wanted this sort of life and I faked it until I made it and the crazy thing is that it worked and I really liked who I was and the life I had chosen to migrate towards. It's like I needed to watch people consistently make healthy choices to know what that looked like.
Thats amazing that it worked for you. Which movies can you recomend to watch to learn correct way to connect?
I grew up with anxious attachment. I’m 54 years old and am still struggling with relationships (all kinds) and social anxiety. Even though I have a pretty full and good life, I’ve always felt like I’m on the outside looking in - not really connected to anything. I’ve watched many of your videos and have started reading your book and just from even that alone I’m noticing shifts - it’s like someone finally turned on the lights in my brain 😉. I just downloaded your journal and am ready for a 30-day journey of self discovery. Time to do the work and rewire my life. Thank you Dr. LePera.
Keeping a small promise to myself, so I may learn to trust myself, really resonates 💓 I’m working on healing disorganised attachment and doing 5-20 mins of yoga (most) nights before bed is helping me believe it is possible to show up for myself with tender loving care.
I’ve noticed when I fall out of the practice, a critical voice is present telling me I’ve failed, and the way to move through this is to welcome forward another part of myself who affirms that I’m doing my best to break old cycles and create new ones, that some days this is harder than others, and regardless, I am worthy of love, rest, care and compassion-which feels like keeping the promise to myself, after all.
It’s a small promise, but it feels life-changing 🦋
I have a disorganized attachment style and so does my partner. Which means we both go through periods or avoidance and periods of anxious attachment. We both have a lot of relational wounding. We go through cycles of rupture and repair. And we are both doing counselling and inner work. It's not perfect it's messy sometimes but we are both working towards secure attachment ❤
Oh gosh, when you started talking about step four my inner child just begged me to do this. In the last 4 months I had my budding art career that I waited 50 years to start taken away by a new disability and I'm a little untethered. It would be really nice to feel a little more secure in myself at least. I'm going to do it. But why does the idea of promising myself something feel so scary? I've made so many broken promises over the years. I just don't want to disappoint myself again.
Dr. LePera is such a gift ❤
facts! ❤
Anxiously attached. Learnt setting boundaries, self soothe, validate self, meet needs...
I have been on a self reflection journey over the past two years to try while trying to break down a lot of the trauma that occurred to me as a child in order to become the best version of myself . Your videos are really helpful in making me feel seen, heard and understood while also helping me put my own thoughts and feelings into words. Thank you so much!
You got this! Best of luck in your healing journey ❤
After years of work and several years of being single I’m at the very early stages of a new relationship. I used to be very anxiously attached and people pleasing; becoming comfortable spending time with myself has helped immensely. I am pleased I’ve made progress and still much to work on especially as I want this new relationship to have the best chance at working out.
I hope it goes well 🙏
Wishing you luck and happiness💙..congrats on all the progress!! Gives people like me who are still in the journey- hope
All the best! 🎉
I am tearing up 🥹 while I watch this, it makes me feel hopeful that I can do the work and be truly myself.
I am using your book How to Meet Yourself to do the work, once I am done I will love to do the new workbook, but I can start practicing these steps right now.
Thank you Dr. Nicole 🙏💜
Best of luck in your healing! you are loved! ❤❤
I like the pilot analogy.....it has been 4 years since I started therapy. 1x a week for the first year, 3x a month for the next two.
Now 2x a month.
4 years ...and then ofcourse after the healing begins, you realize NOW THE REAL WORK BEGINS.
Taking the skills I have learned, lifting amd REMOVING alot of the mental scrap metal that has surrounded me for so many years.
I am not in a permant nosedive in life anymore.....I have the skills to take the planes controls and navigate my life in a healthy ( and KIND) way.
Just now I gotta grab the controls and steer.
Its scary. But I am ready.....
Thought this was going to go a different route and was pleasantly surprised to find ive already been doing all 4! And also feeling way less anxiously attached to others, here and there. It's been years and years of work and still takes practice every day, mindfulness is key, i think.
I didnt realise I've actually been doing these things. I took myself to the cinema this week. I started indoor cycling almost everyday and I keep a bullet journal with drawings inside because I used to journal as a kid. I've been speaking more to strangers and taking myself out of freeze state at home. A home I had to move back to after covid. A home that makes me feel mentally unsafe. A home my mum was dying in from cancer. I'm now almost completely estranged from my family and extended family and continue to work on getting a better more secure life and attachment style. These tips hit the nail on the head. Thank you ❤️❣️
This. Is an early and perpetual holiday gift. Thank you for your work.
Becoming more securely attached. You are awesome, the way you give examples and ways to help ourselves. Thank you for vids. I have been making a promise to myself weekly. I try daily but may miss a day or two. Everyday I am feeling stronger and more connected with who I am, but still have a way to go; I've got to be patient, it won't happen overnight.
Is a much needed video. Thank you. As a multiple trauma survivor, Teaching people how to heal is rare. Most doctors want to medicate and stabilized not treat with authentic healing ❤❤bless u,appreciate u
I was definitely anxious attachment style 15 years ago but I started my journey towards being securely attached after I made a promise to myself to stop lying to myself. I started making sure I didn't say I was going to do something that I couldn't complete, or say, "I would love to do this. I should take a class or read a book about it and see if I do well and like it". I was easier to say, "Not a good fit for me" not " a failure".
It also helped me stop feeling the need to lie to others about things. It's painful to admit you're wrong if you are not used to owning your mistakes, but now I know that we all fail or stumble and being honest about what happened helps lessen the likelihood of it happening again.
I think I tend to be more avoidant, but a bit on the anxious side. I get into relationships with very anxious people, which makes me anxious, and then I get resentful and push them away. I hate this pattern, and I hate sacrificing myself. It's to the point where I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I'm also very socially anxious and afraid of rejection or embarrassment. But, I'm trying to do new things, and I've developed a nice evening routine. Really just trying to increase confidence by becoming more competent and getting outside my comfort zone a bit
Keep going. You are not alone. I like the evening routine thing, sounds helpful
Oh wow... this explained my stunted emotional maturity in under a minute. There was no emotion shown in my home due to my parents being in a very unhappy, tense marriage. I show very little emotion, often repressing or hiding it until it "goes away". My poor husband is an incredible man, far more in touch with himself AND me than I am! Trust isn't my issue, just feeling/ expressing emotion.
Love this ! One promise to yourself daily is such a great Ideal . I just printed out my 30 day journal. Thank you for the free print
Thank you for your channel you have no idea how much your helping me to understand myself and why i do things the way i do. I have avoidant attachment style and lock myself away from everyone. Will start these steps today ❤
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I’ve been practicing yoga and making choices to keep my future self from having too many burdens. It feels wonderful. Thank you! Your content has been invaluable💕
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I'm anxious avoidant. I'll try the promise. In the past I've thought to myself, why make routines? Someone is always going to come along and make me do what they want. Then I started being that someone and destroying my own routines and rituals if someone else wasn't around to do it, all so I wouldn't get to comfortable and be disappointed later. I should start being there for myself
Thank you for this. I can swing towards anxious attachment style, and I’ve never really figured out why. I’m learning to do for myself the kind things I would automatically do for others and to be brave and say how I’m really feeling and what I need/would like. It seems to be working. I’ve learnt I have to trust the process and to allow time to see the fruits of my value-based decision-making. 🙏😅
Solo dates are my favorite thing 💓
I've spent so much of my life wishing that I could have a good relationship with my parents and blaming myself for not feeling the attachment that so many others seem to feel. But the last 6 months I have been working on me and seeing that I have inherent worth in myself even if my parents are interested in me. Journaling has been very helpful. That is a new promise that I have been keeping with myself that is really paying off. I've also gotten out of my comfort zone and really reached out to create friendships. Now I feel like I can be happy even if I never get what I want from my parents. (By the way, I am 58... just wish I had realized this years ago.)
Even I am anxious avoidant and after I got for self-aware …. Really want to slowly change to more secure attachment in my relationships.
You can do it! you are brave for doing the work ❤
I don't make promises lightly. The last promise that I made to myself was that the next time a healing issue came up, I wasn't going to sweep it under the rug, but instead I would deal with it immediately and get to the root of the issue. I've been having a very hard time keeping that promise. It's now been more than a decade later, and feels I've opened up a giant can of worms and made things worse. It's a terrible thing to not be able to provide the things that I need to be able to heal myself.
It could be because you started with very big promises. Like she said, start small and work up from there. If you start with the end goal while still at the beginning, chances are you won't get there as fast as you thought. But if you look at the end goal which is healing, then work small steps towards it, even the little progress you will start to notice will motivate you the more.
I’ve been focusing on nervous system regulation and trauma healing for the last few years. It’s good to know that I have been practising all these steps and that they are helping with my attachment style!
Creating new nourishing healthy habits makes you feel at home every time you're with yourself and this is so precious.
After listening to the video, I can definitely I can definitely understand that I have a disorganized attachment style and I have both
Step 2 is a struggle for me, but that means I feel really good when I accomplish it every now and then lol
I so love your style of teaching and imparting your wisdom. Much love, thanks and gratitude. ❤️🙏❤️
Thank you for such a beautifully succinct plan. I've been working on these things, particularly #1, and the thing I chose to do for my first 30 days is to do at least 5 min of two-handed/bilateral journaling daily. (See Lucia Capacchione's books for more on this method). I'm on day 28 and I noticed a couple weeks ago I'm suddenly doing things I've been putting off for ages (I have ADHD and task initiation difficulties). I'm so proud of myself since I have a lot of difficulty being consistent. I feel like having these written dialogs with my parts is, little by little, reducing inner conflict -- and freeing up energy for daily life stuff.
I had also already been doing art just for myself and find this incredibly therapeutic as well. In small ways I'm working on the other two suggestions, but I will note, that expressing yourself to your dysfunctional family is not an easy place to practice. (Since you probably won't be heard.) Try starting with safe and trusted people.
Great 😢😢keep😊 A promise of Yourself👌💐❤Thank you Dr Nicole...My favourite people...😊👌💐😊हरि ॐ नमो नारायण।
I m here
It is hard to comprehend that I was given experiences thru my family to heal. Showing up for them forced me to do when I had no desire to live. I was tested by a puppy and now 6 year old child to set boundaries and emotional control. Self care was getting out of my house to drive my daughter to and from college several times a week. 5 years later I finally feel like myself again with a secure attachment style. I never went to therapy or took medication. I healed by learning and applying as much as I could to understand what I lived thru and was experiencing with CPTSD and spiritual ascension. Healing was a full time job for me. Now it is part time with added hours as needed. Who says LOVE does not conquer all or at least drive you to keep working to be the best version of yourself to share with others.
Thank you for educating me so I can be a healthier person
Thank you for sharing SOLUTIONS in your videos and keeping them short and to the point with visuals
I love this video. I working on a more secure attachment style. My getting out of my comfort zone is to stay off My phone and be okay with sitting in silence.
this is so hard for so many...I struggle with this as well. We can do it! ❤
The one thing that I do every day is start my day with a warm glass of water. My body loves it! It is so incredibly soothing, and so unavoidably easy!
The difficulty I have is that belittling voice. I wasn't always ignored as a child, in fact I was the trophy a lot of the time. The most difficult thing, though, was being laughed at by my mother. I (now see that I) was so talented and gifted but I think my talents touched a nerve in her, so whatever I created would be laughed at and ridiculed. And if I reacted and objected, I'd be labelled as stroppy, as not being able to take a joke.
I am starting to create again now, all these years later, and I am learning to close off those ridiculing voices in my head and just breathe and let myself play.
It really is a journey, not a destination!
At the moment I’m unsure of what attachment style I am. What I do know is that when I got married to my husband 22 years ago I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. We were an amazing couple that everyone wanted to be like. 5 years in & 2 babies He became very depressed due to his job & black mold in our home that was harming my health. He began secretly drinking & for the longest time I had no idea what was going on with him Or why he was acting so strangely. He became abusive & weird & our relationship became strained. I loved him dearly & just wanted the man I married to come back. He drank for 15 1/2 years & the stress just wore me out. He quit drinking 5 years ago but it’s been a journey & now I’m realizing that I have PTSD from dealing with his formerly abusive behavior. So, at this point all I know is that I’m leaning & I really need help sorting myself out.
I’ve been sharing/following your IG content for a long time and I am so glad I found your channel!
Finally more coverage on disorganized attachment style 🙌
Thank you so much for this series and for all of the work that you do. I’ve been doing these steps but I didn’t realize that they helped with developing a more secure attachment style. I feel much better overall with myself and developing relationships :)
Thank you so much
U are such an angel❤
Love from India
❤Thank you for this!
I am healing my wounds of neglect through maintaining relationships, the right relationships, instead of pushing them away. My mom told me while growing up that I shouldn't worry about maintaining my girlfriends after they would do something to betray me because if i introduced my friends to my boyfriend they would sleep together. This caused me to push friends away and then become extremely lonely which would cause me to push the guy I was dating away. I am now becoming more trusting of others and creating relationships with those who can be trusted.
I love how you provide concrete and doable steps to help reach what might feel insurmountable. It gives hope!
I have always said “I’m okay with letting myself down before I can let down someone else.” Allllllways. I can only seem to stay motivated if I’m getting some sort of external thing out of it from someone else. Never for just my own internal self. So yeah… going to make a small promise to myself and stick to it.
I learn so much from your fresh take on videos and all of your content. Thank you! Your work is helping me heal. The self-awareness alone is educational.
Thank you from the depth of my heart for making these videos.
Very well put!
This is so nicely explained- thank you ❤️☀️🌙
I love your clarity and creative posts 💕
Love this thank you ❤
Ok, I have worked for years on myself... but the only entity I CAN have a secure attachment to is my higher power. Everyone else is just human (incl. myself) and that means I can only expect a person to be exactly who they are, that usually means some degree of unreliability.
Yes I agree , I struggle with this a little because I think I use it as a way to keep people at arms length. Still figuring this out , keeping myself safe I guess .😊
@@kamalriar7791 I'm the same
This is great stuff. Thankyou very much & love your work
Thank you for all your videos it’s healing and deeply helpful 🙏🏼
Very clear, simple and straightforward and easy to follow 🙏
Love this. Thank you.
This is very simple amd easy to understand. 4 steps that I can blend into my everyday life. I have done a lot of this over the years; this helps me add structure to it which can helpe close gaps and strengthen what I'm doing. Add more closure to some loose ends. It is very challenging for me to understand what I like. Your examples help tremendously.❤
I’m learning more about it ❤and trying heal my self ❤thank you for your video ❤
I love to watch your video’s. Thank you so much for these drops of loving knowledge. I am surprised and happy that I am doing these 6 advices almost every day and I will now definetely continue to do so. 💓
Thank you, love the steps. 🧡
I have discovered the attachment styles in others so that I am not triggered and then I can act accordingly. So if a person is avoidant and do things that reflects this behavior. I decide if it's worth my time to forge a "relationship" whether platonic or otherwise ❤
This is helpful and has action steps.
Thank you
Good news at last❤❤❤ thank you for your great help❤❤❤
You are doing good work!!
I've been watching your content for a few weeks now. Just one or two videos each week. Much of what you say hits home for me. This video inspired me to grab a notebook and start thinking thru these four steps. You are wonderful, please keep this amazing content coming!
thank you!
Thank you!!! ❤
Thank you ❤ great suggestions.
This is literally life changing! Immaculately specific and clear. Thank You, you have been literally my guardian angel for the past couple of years. Onwards and Upwards Nicole!
Thank you for this and all your videos. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my journey.
This is such good insight and coaching. Thanks Dr Lepera! My relationship history has been to sabotage after a few wonderful years. Mistaking my happiness as my partner's responsibility. This has caused me to look closely and sincerely at what I truly want out of life before getting involved again. And the best part, integrating all my needs into my whole awareness. This has helped me to stop fighting with different parts of myself that I thought were disruptive and in need of suppression. Thanks again. Keep em coming!
We're grateful 🙏🏻❤
This is so helpful. Also glad to see you standing in front of a whiteboard again. You look so much more comfortable. Thanks for the video
Thank you for creating and sharing.
Thanks for your contents. This is somethings I've been searching for a long time.
I want to really express my gratitude to you doctor!❤❤
I was not able to understand that why i behave a certain way as compared to others, and i was burning with the question...your instagram channel and youtube channel helped me a lot! Thank you and please continue this work.😊😊
Thank you. Your content is very helpful. I am grateful.
Thank you soooo muchhhh Nicole for all the examples we can try for each step. i do beat myself up when i don't stick to my own word facts I'm working on it 🤣🤣 me hugging a stuff bear like the girl in your videos 🤣🤣 so what i'm learning is i need to do things without outcome or expectation and get out of my comfort zone. this will teach me that not everything can be controlled or needs to be controlled and i can unlearn and rewire my brain to do things for me and not for others and without expectation just going with the flow of life. i love this video. A million thanks for this, thank you for the time and thought you put into this. thank you for sharing that you are also working on your own attatchment style. i just want to say since you struggle with my same attatchment don't let the self projecting negative comments get to you. I think people get angry and don't even try but, that anger or frustration shouldn't be taken out on you.😭😭 i appreciate you and this will help so many people don't doubt yourself you're an Angel!!! read this comment again if you get triggered by a negative comment love you Nicole wishing you healing too !!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏💖💖💖
Your words are so helpful. Im developing a secure attachment style now that my adult self is guiding me.
Great video. Thank you so much!
I really love your work! I have your book "Doing the work" and it's very empowering. Thank you for helping all of us develop the ability to become the best version's of ourselves.
Omg! Anxious avoidant here, too!
Thank you for this! I am the avoidant style. I will try doing some stuff for myself and getting into my hobbies more.
Thank you. ❤
The small promise was so huge for my transformation❤
This gives me hope for myself & my future. Also, great motivation for me to continue therapy, deepen my spiritual practices, & do or learn new things.
This is really great. I started doing these things already without realising how important they are. I joined Marianne Mitchell’s whole Artist mastery course.
Thank you
Great lecture. Thank-you ❤
Thank you for the hope that we can reverse our attachment style to a secure one. - If we spend 10 min a day turning up to our own appointment. Showing up consistently, on time telling one self,' I am fearfully and wonderfully made with a steadfast love that never changes.' Believing, it while i soak in the fresh air when I take a 10min walk
What a great video. I used to purposely pick distant, unavailable people as friends and then resent them for never being around for me. Finally realized I deserve better ❤️self expression is scary still at times especially with family as I was shamed and told how mean I was to a parent when I disagreed or challenged them ,
Thank for the gift, I have wanted to do journalling but find I struggle to start.