BORDERLINE MOMS: HEALING THE WOUNDS FROM YOUR BORDERLINE MOTHER đ
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 8. 09. 2020
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Growing up with a mother with a personality disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (BPD or NPD), can leave a distinct impact upon the development of a child, who often grows up to be an adult, with a distinct way of experiencing the world, relationships and self.
At their core, many of these adult children report that no matter how far they've come, how smart or talented or successful they are, when they are emotionally triggered, what they feel is that they are broken, defective, shameful, and bad inside.
These feelings are very common in those who are dealing with issues of complex trauma related to wounded parenting.
To start to heal, we must first acknowledge the deepest wound of all: feeling like we are bad inside.
Next, we need to understand the impact of the diagnosis or of a similar type of parenting wound, like BPD or NPD, which requires many levels of support, knowledge, techniques and treatment.
This video addresses the initial wound: feeling bad inside.đ°
Next, it outlines the treatment path and introduces many CPTSD, complicated childhood, and treatment related concepts that can help us begin to heal our wounded hearts, and help us begin to live again, maybe even for the first time, without carrying the weight, the deep heavy darkness, of feeling bad inside.
đâ€ïžđYou don't have to carry this weight for the rest of your life, but you are going to have to take some significant steps in order to heal and change.
đđ»As always, BPD exists on a wide spectrum, and this video does not intend to imply that all BPD individuals are this way or have this impact on their children.
It is meant to honor the wounded pain of children who suffer, and to compassionately share with those with BPD, that getting help, treatment and support, will be the bravest and most impactful thing you may ever do to heal yourself, and your children's lives and hearts (if you have them.).
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â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžWe can't heal what we don't acknowledge and....
â€ïžIt's never too late to heal your life.â€ïž
www.drkimsage.com
@drkimsage
RESOURCES:
Understanding the Borderline Mother...C. Lawson
Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving...P. Walker
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist....M. Fjelstad
DSM V
Treating Attachment Disturbances in Adults....D. Brown, D. Elliott
various research articles:)
A BPD mother will often make a black sheep out of one child & treat another like a genius golden child that can do no wrong.
These are both forms of abuse that set the child up with an improper core understanding of reality.
I was raised by a borderline mother. I am now borderline myself with a son and I am doing everything I can to break all these curses. I want to be the mother I wish I had.
you are so brave
I donât even have kids even tho I wanted them, because my relationships have been affected by the trauma of my BPD mother. Yeah they deserve compassion but not from me
Love the recognition. You are more than able to overcome.
exposure therapy for ptsd and emdr for bpd , cbt, schema therapy and dbt
@@thebrunosergesame. The bpd only wants compassion for themselves, what about their children???? They always make it about themselves
Never thought Iâd be nearly 30 years old and still trying to heal from everything my BPD mother did to me growing up. I made a choice to leave that life behind when I was 22, and now Iâm 29 and really seeing the signs of damage in my mind and heart. Thank you for this video, it really helped me understand/contextualize many of the things Iâve been through and am still fighting to get past even to this day. đ
I'm almost 50 and just seeing it. Some never do, so be grateful that you caught it this young!
It is a journey dear one..
â@@billyb4790 Exactly, I'm 50 too and had the same thought.
52 here. When the video started with "you are bad, you are defective..." I was retriggered. Thought I was doing fine. Mom died in 2008, Dad, in 2015. Healing is life-long. Don't rush the process. Healing takes time and patience.
I am 61. I donât think it ends. It is better but never over
I recently discovered I deal with childhood emotional neglect and perfectionism. I generally felt my mom was âokâ growing up. But I recently found out she may have BPD.âŠI just thought our toxic relationship was a normal âmother-daughterâ conflict thing. Very sad. Thanks for this encouraging and informative content⊠gets me through the gaps in my therapy appointments. Haha
I didn't fully appreciate how dysfunctional my relationship with my mother was until I had kids of my own. The thought of treating them the way she treated me made my skin crawl, and over time, all that pain from back then came flooding back. Sending you hope and strength in your healing journey.
I moved 8 hours away from home, and i never felt this good. Itâs been 3 years. I had to start therapy, and had to re-learn everything. If i stayed in that house, i would have probably ended it.
How are you doing now?
About to make a similar move.
This hit home! My mom used to rage at me and then blame it all on me and say I could never be talked to! She lied, spoke falsehoods to my children about me behind my back, try and steal my friends, compete with me, and call me hurtful names and say she was just kidding!đą At 58 I have finally gotten help for me and put up strong boundaries with her. It has taken over a year, but she is realizing that her victimhood and complaints about others are not something I will tolerate. She does not involve me anymore in that drama, but I know she still talks bad about me to anyone who will listen. It is okay with me. If that person wants to believe her, they donât know me. Those who do know me, donât listen to her crap!
I'm starting to realize that a lot of the things you're saying about being raised by a BPD parent apply to me even if my mother won't go get professionally diagnosed. Two days ago, I was at the mall with some friends and we had carpooled. I told them I'd go back to the car and drop off something I'd bought. Strangest thing happened. I couldn't find my car. There were so many parking lots, and I didn't take a picture of where I'd parked. It triggered a panic attack for me, and I think it might be because both my parents were so critical of me being "careless" or "forgetful" when I was younger. It was hurtful, but I consciously linked the event to what happened in childhood at least.
I felt so alone my entire life. I thought this was just my personal hell. I now have the knowledge to be better even though I am still coping with the trauma living with my BPD mother
I felt so alone... Same here. Unbeleavable.
Married to someone with a BPD mom. Her behaviors were confusing at first. After many years, seeing how it affected my spouse thru childhood to adulthood, I finally understood she was reenacting her own traumas by the way she treated us. She made it clear, he had to choose us (our children and I) or her. He was not allowed to have both. Itâs an extreme of hot and cold.
Thank you, my mother is horrible, itâs just a constant stream of hate aimed at me, I have been living my whole life trying to be perfect to stop it, I feel like I wasted my life đ
Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry for your pain. Please know you are worthy of healing and be wholeđđđđ»
I felt this to my core. Thank you đđœ
this is so validating. I can pinpoint the exact moment where my mother stopped on her journey to recovery...50 years of her life and I do not believe she has looked inward, she still only blames. ending this generational trauma is probably the only thing I care about at this point in my life.
My partners mother would always say: âITS NOT MY FAULT!â And- it was, and sheâs 30 yrs older than us⊠so I didnât connect the dots about her behavior and favorite saying: ITS NOT MY FAULT!, until I read her doc papers saying she has all sorts of issues plus BPD.
Iâm amazed to read that there are so many people who have suffered from a mother with BPD! I thought I was all alone! Iâve discovered that my mother has BPD and she refuses to accept this truth.
My entire life has been very stressful being raised as an only child by my BPD mother alone. She has affected every area of my life and Iâve had no one in my life I felt I could trust to talk to about her. Counseling in the past has not been helpful and no one seems to understand what Iâve dealth with my entire life all alone. This has caused me waves of depression in my life because there had been no one iâve met who understands what Iâve been through until now. âčïž
I have an extremely similar situation. Just went no contact with my bpd/narcissistic mom. Keep strong and good luck.
I know how you feel, and there are lots of us who went through this kind of stuff. It can be very isolating. Even people who know her never really get to see the sides she would show only to me, so they tend not to believe how bad it actually was. I'm now six months no contact with my BPD/NPD mother, and it's been hard as hell but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling freer and healthier than I have in a long time. Hang in there!
@@djer05010401 Thank you
I grew up in this exact situation and it has affected every area of my life. I finally got my mom out of my house after living with my family for 13 years, she nearly destroyed my marriage and has affected my children adversely. She is highly religious and I constantly feel like Iâm not good enough in her eyes. I struggle with the knowledge that I may never rid myself of the guilt and shame I feel, how I could never save her, how she is always struggling and thereâs nothing I can do about it. Therapy helped, but now that sheâs out of my house I feel the real healing needs to begin. Itâs just so hard to undo the damage. We carried a burdened we werenât equipped to hold and itâs not fair, it never was.
I think people who watch this video understand, sending hugs and love from far away â€ïž
I just recently went no contact with my mother -blocked and deleted her number- after I moved out into my own home. What finally pushed me to cut her out of my life completely was how it threatened a job I really love, and which supports me in the house I'm in. She had called the cops on me saying I had her house key and was ignoring her (she sent one text, didnt call, then immediately called the police afterwards). Since finally being safe in my own home, everything has started to come up. The emotions, the anxiety, the instability that was growing up with her are finally able to be expressed and its been so intense that I've had to leave work early a few times because I was having a panic attack. For anybody here debating if you should go no-contact, please follow your instincts, and don't be ashamed to take what you need and rightfully deserve. You deserve peace!
Spot on! I became the âperfectâ child and in some twisted way non she is jealous of me. On the other hand, my brother abused drugs and alcool and now is back at my momâs place after a separation. She always complains about him but she doesnât do anything to change the situation...she wants him depressed and dependant. The sad thing is that I am to afraid of getting involved...I am working on it with a therapist but it is still difficult.
You and I are the same.
This is our story too. One of my brothers is completely ruined by her need to have him dependant of her. She is a very loving mom...trying to do the right thing over.. but it's all over the pkave
This reminds me of my mom. She has made my sister dependent on her. I had to leave for my sanity
The same story here, as well. I feel guilt for my success in life, while my other siblings struggled with drugs and bad choices. I made the decision to go with no contact, but it still breaks my heart to see the damage happening to my siblings, even after my mother's death.
@@cassandrakutev6348 I can understand that guilt. It is sad to see them choose drugs. Just keep praying for them. I have and it's been so many years but I finally heard that my brother was getting help and doing better. I just pray he stays on track. It's sad to see them suffer and not know where they live or if they're alive.
These videos are so helpful. I am definitely defective. From about the age of 10 my BPD mother spat in my face and called me a "piece of shit" and accused me of destroying her life and screamed at me to go to hell. She'd scream so much that the veins in her throat would stick out. And she'd always deny everything.
Exactly they rage and then gaslight you, pretending as if nothing happened and you're the crazy one. I totally feel for you.
One thing you want to understand though is how powerful you are, your thoughts, beliefs and emotions, your attitude and overall vibration determines how you perceive reality. The unlucky thing is you were programmed with all of these being negative. The lucky thing is all of these are not fixed and in fact all are under your control if you take responsibility (response-ability or your ability to respond). So instead of programming yourself with "I am defective", try using "I am healing" or "I am healed" instead.
I know exactly what this looks like. My mom also has substance abuse and her doctors enabled her. Frequent suicide attempts and overdoses... Frequent impatient psych admissions. My siblings and I have the scars to this day. I ended up doing ketamine infusions... They've helped me try to reprogram the way my mind thinks. "You know what? Maybe I'm NOT bad!"
Let me guess she put on this fake nicey nicey mask with everybody else
@@taraarrington2285 She sure did. She should have received an award for her acting abilities
Isafreche
God Bless you.
I love you. You are l loved and completely worth of it...đąđąđźđź
I know what you are talking about also.
I grew up with a bpd mom. I am guilty of being perfectionistic and often triggered by things I experienced in childhood. I know I need to heal from not feeling good enough. I have totally been trigged walking into the house and feeling like all the responsibility is on me to take care of the home. I've raged and had mood swings like my mom which terrifies me, so much so, I refuse to have kids. I feel more times than not I'm in flight or fight. I am undergoing EMDR and reading / watching various healing material. I don't want to be like her. Today she told me I don't need her or love her đđ€Š I'm trying to figure out how to have healthy boundaries with her, I feel so torn. I've been searching for a video like this for a few weeks. I'm finding this video extremely helpful, thank you so much.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've struggled, and also so encouraged to hear about the work you are doing for yourself. I know it's so hard to even attempt to set boundaries, but at the same time, it allows you to protect yourself in a way you were likely never able to do as a child. I wish you the best in your healing, and appreciate you taking the time to share...đđ»đ
Try not be too hard on yourself. EMDR can be very helpful, & you are not your mother. Of course, I don't know you or your mother but, I have compassion for both of you. I think that the person w/BPD is suffering so much & their loved ones are as well. I have wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what my mother "meant" to do or did "accidentally." Whether the dysfunction is done on purpose or not, it hurts! Having compassion is great but, it is difficult to know how to have compassion & still take care of oneself. This is so complicated. Thanks to everyone sharing & for Dr. Sage's supportive information.
Meredith-stop talking to your mom
Sorry to hear about your struggles with your mom. Must be difficult. Im a bpd person who only found out recently. One positive thing, and it is POSITIVE, and I by no means am reducing your concerns, but finding out and learning about this at your age will give you time to get help, therapy whatever.. So you can have a better life, and potentially not pass it on to your children. I had BPD mom, and also have it. It could have saved so much pain if id known what it was at your age. Best of Luck, be strong. You can do it. One thibg about us, is we have an incredability to "get back on the horse".. â€ïžâ€ïž
My mother acts the exact same way, and it's terrifying
Iâve felt selfish my whole life. Even as a child, I never wanted to be a burden. My mom wasnât mean, she was busy. She didnât tell me I was bad or selfish. I donât know why I had that innate feeling in me.
Oof I watched my mom split people up so much! Good vs evil with her âfriendsâ and family. Wow.
I was raised by a BPD mom. This is extremely enlightening for me. Before I was even aware what BPD was or the dynamics of our relationship, I have described my existence and way of living as an adult as "trying to right any of my wrongs and get a chip off my shoulder", even though I didn't really do anything wrong!! I've worked furiously my whole adult life to over achieve, be self sufficient, avoid crisis.
I donât even know where to begin. Iâve been holding back tears this whole video. The perfectionist part really hit me. I always make sure that I take care of their needs before meeting mine. Making sure everyone is okay and happy so I can ensure my own. Iâm so scared. I donât see me ever getting out of this cycle. Thank you for these videos.
The pressure to be perfect never ceases. My BPD mother conned people all her life. When someone "hurt" her, i.e. finally set boundaries, the splitting happened. Naturally, it was never her fault in her eyes. Every waking moment, my anxiety is on a constant low hum that I'm a failure, even though she was the failure, not me. My mother didn't even graduate high school, she got by through fooling kind souls. Even though I'm the head of marketing for a successful company, a Ph.D. student, happily married, and now a mother, I broke the cycle with my twins who are thriving. The fear of failure as a bad mother, wife, and person is constant. As an adult, I went no contact with her and she ended her own life in August 2022, her suicide note was a parable of victimhood and obvious selfishness. Thankfully, I know that her death was the last effort for her to latch on to the people that set boundaries with her. Dr.Sage, thank you for your kind, wise words. While the drive to break the cycle and the need to be "perfect" has driven me to success, I'm starting to understand that I need to find that happy medium.
Sometimes I can get defensive on my BPD mother's behalf when talking about how she failed my sister and me. She has been through so much and been so wounded herself that it is hard to think of her as a "bad person". But the way you show compassion and understanding for those with BPD makes me feel more open to think and talk about the negative ways she affected us.
im only 13 turning 14 in less than a week and i have a single mom with bpd, its miserable, really. my opinions on her constantly change as her mood does.
one second ill think that i dont love her at all, and ill know that she has been terrible to me, a minute later, she'll be so extremely nice to me ill wonder how i could have ever hated her
whenever we argue, after a while of silence she will just pretend like nothing happened and i guess kind of 'gaslight' me by telling me that we never argued, or we've already moved past that. and she'll blame me for still holding on to it.
im never having children
thank you for the video, and sorry, i just needed to vent lol
You are such an insightful, intelligent and articulate young man.
@@kristincarlson1861 I am a guy.. but thank you lol:)
@@floodplains lol. Oops! Comment still applies! I changed it :)
You just described me at your age and how I felt about my mother, and my heart breaks for what youâre going through. Iâm fifty-five years old, but reading your comment took me right back to thirteen and the wary, dreadful feelings I had whenever she was around, as I wondered which mom I was getting and for how long it would last. Hang in there, kid; the fact that you know this about her now will only help you take charge of your own life as soon as you can. Start building those boundary-thought processes now so you can use them right away when youâre no longer a minor. Meanwhile, hang on tight because this is a rough rollercoaster, my young friend. đđđ
@@Trevsign8 i mean, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who had gone through that, it makes me feel a lot less alone, but at the same time, i feel so bad, im sure you didn't deserve to go through all of that, my older friend :D
(P.s, thank you so much for the advice:) i am trying to build those boundaries and stuff, and I think it's working so far)â€ïž
Thank you so much for making these videos! I'm an adult child of a BPD mom. I have CPTSD, which was mis-diagnosed as anxiety and depression for 30 years, but finally I got the right diagnosis. So key, because the treatment is so different. I did 6 months of EMDR and it literally changed my life for the better. If you're suffering, please get help. It really works! And don't lose hope if you don't find the right match at first. It's not your fault; sometimes the match isn't right, but you're still a good person!
my spiritual teacher also mentioned EMDR and I had no idea how instrumental it is with neuropathways
I'm a mom with BPD and my mother had schizophrenia, but very much grew up with a bpd type mom. Now I am trying to heal generational trauma with my daughter. I also am still in the care taker role with my mom at 32 and this is my first video I have watched and I think your knowledge is spot on so far. đthank you đ
Also have BPD and grew up with a schizophrenic mother.--my psychiatrist mentioned she sounds like she may also have BPD based on how i describe our relationship-- I know my relationship with my mother has never been healthy but it's still so hard to call it abusive. Especially because I am a favorite person. I hope I can find videos that go into how being a favorite is also harmful.
Somehow the compliments/praise would be used as some expectation to be able to solve or explain EVERYTHING. Always for her own agenda. So she'd ultimately not even take what I say seriously. It's like she wants me to take care of her but also thinks I somehow NEED her. Like I won't be safe without her. I never understood our relationship. I still don't. She doesn't see me for me. She has this image of me that she just won't let go of and it hurts so much.
I never want to do that to my children. My kid is kind and when she wants to help me I can't help but find it triggering. I don't want her thinking she needs to take care of me. It's not her responsibility to make sure I'm okay.
Here's hoping we both manage to stop a cycle.
This resonates so much with me.
Wow- I never connected why I feel so horrible when I think I may have not done my best when working as a teacher or a nanny.
I do not have children of my own (neither does my only sibling) because we are TERRIFIED we will mess up with raising them.
We have done the 180 to try to be as good as possible- yet it still leaves me feeling like a horrible person. Iâve suffered from bad depression, and the worst feeling was being a burden on my husband.
The constant thought that I am not good enough used to get to bad I would self-harm. After doing that- I felt relief, because physical pain was much better than the mental pain.
Working with kids has been such a wonderful job- it is definitely where Iâm needed them most- but dealing with the juxtaposition of how I treat them with how my mom would rage is so difficult. I would never do that to an adult, let alone a child, for any reason - ever.
All me đ« I tried to become the âperfectâ child but it didnât work.. so I rebelled and became a big time addict. Iâm really grateful to have started my healing journey and itâs so freeing to know that I wasnât a âscrewed up childâ, but that something screwed me up đ€Ł thank you for making all this content! â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
I just moved away from my bpd mom. And I just feel so scared I donât really know who I am without her
I'm feeling so wounded and listening to you is a breath of fresh air. I, unfortunately let a BPD mother draw me back into her life, full on. I actually live on the same land , but in my own home. How do you ever break away esp. when you live so close to her. My husband and I are at our wits end. She threatens to leave the land that we have lived on for almost 30 years to my brother whom she says she hates and is afraid of just to spite my husband and I. My husband worries that if something happens to me before she passes that he will be out on the street. I don't think I'm bad, but she makes me feel bad about myself, some days all I can think about is something she has said to hurt me. She accuses me of being unkind, and distrustful of her, and on and on. I am so exhausted from dealing with her. My husband checked out of the relationship with her. He has nothing to do with her since they had a falling out many years ago. Mother dearest and I had another row today and It's so draining.
I had to leave my job... a BPD coworker was too much, exhausting, it's like a mine field.
Now I am free. đ
OMG calling me mean is my moms MO!!! Then a couple hours later telling me how I'm the love of her life and I'm so amazing and shes so proud of me. She can flip at any time for any reason, but I'm mostly mean for having boundaries for things I shouldn't even have to express.
Somehow I came out of this with really healthy stable caring friendships and relationships, but I'm still terrified of setting boundaries in any situation
Gracias Dra Kim por hablar de nosotros hijos de madre TLP. Es un gran alivio que Ud nos tome en cuenta y poder recibir sus explicaciones y consejos.
Ya no me siento esa vocecita gritando sola en el desierto su dolor.
Veo en los comentarios que somos muchos!
AdemĂĄs de la herida profunda de la infancia se añade la incomprensiĂłn total del problema de parte de mucha gente y tambiĂ©n de sĂcologos.
Uno va por la vida sintiendĂłse como un bicho raro, un extraterrestre.
Gracias infinitas por su ayuda!
I donât talk to my BPD mother anymore. Actually, itâs been some years. But it still hurts a lot. Too much emptiness. Very afraid. Sadness. Loneliness. Pretty horrible childhood.
I really wish that videos about HOW TO HEAL from/ and HOW TO DEAL with a BPD mother would put that advice at the start of the video. Lol. There are SO many videos online about BPD mothers and the harm they cause their children. But it is not easy to find actual help for how to cope with it in the present. I've even read several books on the subject, which do the same thing as the videos, which is mostly just to explain what BPD mothers are like and how it effects the kids. But very little info on how the adult child can manage that relationship today... and hopefully even heal.
Yes, I so understand. I do like the book "Mother's Who Can't Love" if you have not read it. It's not specifically BPD, but categorizes types of wounds. I am spending a lot of time right now creating a course specifically for help in healing from parents who struggled with BPD and/or NPD in our childhoods...while nothing can replace therapy, I am creating a workbook with, of course, the explaining part and attachment, trauma info as a result, but then I am filling it with videos, exercises, journal prompts, 2 or 3 guided meditations, worksheets (sweet other followers keep sending me ideas -so feel free to do the same). I really am focusing on what I would like to have had if I was trying to do this work alongside therapy because I don't think we talk enough about it, therapy is expensive I know and I know how much it impacts our lives. I am hoping to have it done by the end of summer - just FYI. Also, "Toxic Parents" is a good one - and if you haven't read "Surviving a Borderline Parent" - it's really good too! Sending you support:)!!
@@DrKimSage I have read Surviving the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson, which is excellent at really describing the kinds of BPD mothers... but it was helpful only insofar as it let me know that my memories were REAL... and that it was not just in my head (unlike what the BPD mother would have you believe). But the book mostly just stirred up the painful thoughts and feelings and provided very little info on how to cope. And the same goes for online sources. They all describe what it's like, but then they leave it at that! I have little other info to work with! I will be starting therapy soon-- hoping to get some support in dealing with my BPD mom in the present. And hoping to heal. Thanks for your quick and thorough reply. I look forward to your future videos.
As a former Elite athlete for 16 years all through college etc.⊠Synchronized swimming to be specific⊠Perfection heâs an understatement⊠To have a mother Who has a narcissistic borderline traits⊠will really screw with what you view as normal...
Yeah, my mom has narcissistic traits and borderline and she really messed my head up real bad
This is so painful. It is a indescribable experience. Thank you for helping us.
I have really struggled to find a career or stay at jobs because of the inner critic. I'm basically phobic of not being good enough, smart enough. So much so that my fear makes it happen. My therapist calls it parataxic distortion.
So relatable
Me too
Me too đ
Thank you, I feel understood and optimistic about my future for the first time in a long time. I've been procrastinating on getting help but I'm convinced now I need it. This is just what I was looking for, I just needed to understand the path forward.
In my case I developed the ability to read emotions as a survival mechanism to know when my borderline mother was about to rage. Sometimes if you acted quickly enough you could soothe her before it overflowed.
YAY! ALMOST 400 SUBS! đđđđđI CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH!!! OMG!â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžđđđđđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ» SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR TIME AND THOUGHTS AND WATCHING!đđđđđđđđđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»đđ»
Holy Wow! Thank you! I am bad is the tape that runs in my head. I know I am not, but it still is there. I then get depressed and it makes it worse. It doesnât have to be words, it can be severe emotional abuse and neglected feelings. Two bad parents, mean grandparents, never had an adult to help me. Not one.
Dr. Sage, thank you for your wonderful videos. They help so much! When I listen to your teachings, I feel hope and that everything is going to be alright somehow. đ
This issue being the root just clicked with me. I watched this video a couple months ago and it resonated with me enough that I went out and listened to understanding the borderline mother. The book hit me really hard but I think in the wrong ways. It illustrated all the bad habits I picked up from my mother and I really went after trying to fix those habits. I've been in a really bad place recently because I've been so critical to myself about those behaviors. I think you're right that I won't get better until I finally accept that I'm not evil.
I feel like I need to send you a co payment now. đ Very informative, thank you for these videos!
lol you're welcome! Thank you for watching and posting!đđ»đđ»
I'm in tears. It's like you are telling my story. I know I'm a better mother than my mom but I still have so much work to do. Of course that's the workaholic perfectionist in me talking and I'm glad I now know where that comes from but my God how do I make it stop! I want to heal from this so my kids won't be on your channel trying to heal from me.
I am so sorry - I know it's painful but I also hope validating for you. You are already so far ahead, being aware and working to be different for your children. The books - Surviving a Borderline Parent and Mothers Who Can't Love might be helpful. Please take very good care:)
Thank you, the universe sent this video my way , I am not bad after all
guilty: judged wrong or bad
guilt: fear of punishment
resistance: reaction to fear
perfectionism: resisting thoughts that risk punishment
Thank you
So grateful to have found you.
Very very very helpful!!!! Thank you so much for all your videos!!!!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this. đ
Iâm not BPD but I suspect my mom may be and I have other things I struggle with. I appreciate so much that you took the time to address the people listening who have BPD in a compassionate way. We need to move past the stigma and shame associated with mental and emotional health so that people can start to heal. No one can let down their guard enough to grow and change without having a safe space to do so.
You nailed it in the first minute!
â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïžMorning all!
I am sorry this is later than I hoped! I needed to take care of myself over Labor Day weekend and making these videos is so much more work than I expected! I love making them though, because in addition to my daily work with patients, the comments I am hearing from you are truly filling my heart with joy. I want you to know it's not your fault, and you aren't alone, and that you can work on healing the core of the deepest wound with BPD or similar parents:
I am bad.
đđPlease feel free to share your own hearts or thoughts, so you and others don't feel so alone.đđ
There is a massive community of wounded adult children walking around with stories, just like yours...xo
Always take care of yourself Kim. We can all wait patiently for more excellent videos đ
@@sarahcouture24 Thank you Sarah!!đđđđ»
I've just found your channel, & I'm so grateful to you! I admire how hard you are working to help us understand these very complicated relationships. Please take care of yourself, & know that you are making such a positive difference in the world! The words "thank you" aren't enough. â€
@@scmommy4539 Thank you so much- so very kind and wishing you well!đđ»đ
I have borderline traits and major depression disorder due to my toxic mother. She knew it was bad, bc her mother did it to her and she did it anyways, yet still won't see treatment. She thinks she's fine.
Thank you. This really connected with me.
Thank you so much for this video
Love all your videos đ€thank you very much for everything you do đ
Thank you for this video
This was such a helpful video! You are a very calming presence
thank you for this.
Thank you for those videos, from the bottom of my heart.
Excellent! Very accurate! Thank you for helping me!
thankyou so much for this video
Thank you Dr. Kim â€
Thanks Dr Kim, another great video and Iâm excited for the next.
You're amazing and you have such a soft and lovely vibe
Well described thanks â€
I resonate so, so much with this. Thank you for your videos.
This is incredibly validating and providing some solutions, is so positive! Thank you!!
Your a loving soul explaining this
Wonderful educational and validating video and message. Its gets right to the core of the issue.
Thank you for making this video!! Very accurate!
You are so welcome!!:). Thank you for watching!!
I just want to say thank you.
Spot on and so very helpful. Lots of little lightbulb moments whilst listening to this video. Thanks so much Dr Sage, this resource is deeply appreciated. â€ïž
Thank you Dr. Kim. Your videos are so much easier to understand BPD than any of the others on youtube. I look forward to more of them.
Wow this really helped me. Thank you Dr. Kim đ
Thank you so much for these videos! I have struggled my whole life with everything you talk about in this video. I love how nuanced and thorough you are as a therapist. These videos give me hope. â€
Your way of communicating this is so concise and just brilliant, thank you so much
Iâve made the decision to get out of my BPD motherâs life at age 54. She and I live in different countries and I realised how the distance provided me with much needed space to live in peace. Last time I saw her she told me I was an evil c word and just walking past her made her sigh audibly and say âf offâ under her breath. My father told me to hide in my bedroom to avoid making her angry. And to be clear, I didnât do a single thing except talk in shallow general terms when I was there. I had a mantra for my kids when my mother and I lived in the same country and we visited âsmile and tell her nothingâ. Because any piece of information will be twisted and become her problem, makes her feel bad. Every occasion is about her feelings. Phew, Iâm out of it. But itâs still hard.
My BPD mom when her kids acted out- âWhatâs wrong with you? You are you such a bad kid.â Me when my kids act out- âWhatâs wrong with me? I am such a bad parent.â
I still hear it in adulthood!
Spot on regarding my childhood abuse
I just found your channel about a week ago. Your videos are so helpful, thank you so much for doing these.
I love your video's and they are very very healing. But this this one, was what I needed this week as I did not feel good enough for my child. It is very interesting as I have a toddler and tantrums are healthy and part of the development yet they are so hard as I feel it is my fault. As where I grew up doing everything to prevent my mums outbursts and the outbursts felt like my fault. So having a little one having meltdowns is super triggering.
Your videos are gifts to me. Thank you thank you
You are so welcome:)!!
Wow. Holy shit. Itâs like magic, how you described me.
You know at first I was angry and hurt bc i have bpd and thought it was hopeless but hearing you say to get help and with hope made me feel better.
The best thing about me is I am honest even with my faults. I want to climb out of the dark hole for good. I'm going to be watching your vids and keep an opened mind. Thank you!
This was so important for me, reading the comments made me feel so understood. It's such an isolating experience to recognize the wounds left by a BPD mother and I don't know any one else that went through the same. It feels like a never ending trauma, like I'll forever be broken and stained by it. But I have to believe I can heal.
This is very unrelated but I just wanted to say you have beautiful cheekbones!! The natural highlight is real
Also very encouraging video :)
I love your videos. I'm going to watch one a week before my therapy session, so I can stay on track and focus on the important stuff that I need to work on. I am currently completely stuck at the acceptance stage! On a logical level I fully know what I went through as a kid and how it wounded me - but I went the fawn route, and was my mom's protector from the world, so even THINKING negative thoughts about her triggers me. Saying them out loud in therapy is horrifying, painful, panic-inducing. I've started having panic attacks just from getting close to this place. My therapist is great but I am so stuck and I feel like I'm in a constant tug of war between what I know was real and the delusions I built up to protect me from her, and her from the world. I resonated with everything you said in this video, and it's very healing and validating just to hear it. Thank you so much for your great work.
I needed validation my whole life and I still do because she doesnât admit her faults and just said nobody said life was fair, etc.
So powerful to understand this message came from both parents. Thank you.
Unhealthy people marry unhealthy people. My mom was a borderline and paranoid schizophrenic and my dad was an alcoholic. I'm a codependent and married a covert narcissist. The healthier we are generally speaking the healthier our relationships are and vice versa.
Wow. Its like you know my history! Lol spot on. Very helpful. I love how you referenced Pete walkers book too! Great resource for survivors, a must read.
What Sarah said! ^ Iâll have to read this book.
Thank you so much. Iâm in so much pain regarding my border line mother . She was wrongly diagnosed in the last few years and only for the first time as she is heading towards old age with having mental illness although I knew she was wrongly diagnosed as bi polar which was all wrong. She is it turns out border line . Her and my family refuse to acknowledge it. The other family members have npd. I was the scapegoat my sister the golden child. But the explaining about the splitting thing because in my mothers case it was dramatic that she was in evil witch form throughout my whole childhood but later in about my late twenties she became loving mum because I realize she relished she could hold me in no other way. But later I realized she was also still enabling band participating in abusive behavior towards me following my npd father and sister and also sometimes independently. This splitting thing you explained has actually been deeply healing . I had a strong feeling I had to watch your video when looking amongst the bpd videos trying to work it all out. It has been incredibly healing to hear you describe the splitting concept as I struggle with who on earth is this person who I am now no contact with and having trauma therapy for CPTSD for the first time. But I still greave because for many years she played loving mum which granted was easier for her to do as I was living overseas all my adult life. When I come back to where they live with the pandemic she became monster mother again and blew up my world gain at an already deeply traumatic time.
Thank you so much for making these videos.
I believe my mother has BPD, and I think it has impacted me as an adult who now suffers from depression and chronic pain. I have decided to see a therapist, so thank you!
I'm sure you've heard this before, but as a child, I believed her erratic behavior was normal, it was not until my late-teens and twenties that I realized it was not. During my childhood both my mother and I had incredible separation anxiety, and neither one of us could stand being without the other for a night without having an emotional breakdown. I don't know if you've seen that before, but I also thought this was normal.
I was wondering if you have found that women who suffer from BPD are ever receptive to treatment. Every time I have ever attempted to broach the subject of mental health with my mother, she becomes incredibly triggered-- the last time even manifesting a psychotic episode including self-harm. I am just wondering if there is any hope for one day getting this type of person to get help?
Lastly, I wanted to add, to see if this is reminiscent of anyone else's experience, or your experience in your practice, that my mother was incredible when she was not manifesting symptoms of BPD, or when she was on the good side of "splitting" as you called it. She was extremely loving and supportive, almost inhumanely devoted and sacrificial, and made plenty of great parenting decisions. I was wondering if you find that children raised by these mothers tend to be high performing? My mother, for example, with only a high school degree, managed to assist me in getting into college, and I'm now in law school. She is also very intelligent and creative, and while she has been unable to cultivate and put her own talents toward a professional or artistic goal herself, she was tireless in helping me to do so.
Thank you for sharing your story and yes, what you describe is also very common with regard to her being in her "light" and it being so intense, and also often being good and helpful too. I just realized I need to make a video about the conflicting nature of splitting, because this type is especially painful, and difficult to see most clearly. And, I think it's why those with BPD can feel attacked unfairly because they are not just one thing, they often have deeply sensitive hearts and wounds and they are just trying to deal and heal from the life, mind and cards they've been dealt. That being said though, they can also cause an immense amount of pain for their children. It's truly complicated. But, no matter how much someone loves you or helps you, or who they are to you-- if they also consistently wound you, you have no real choice if you want to live healed and whole yourself. Lastly, given what you described on her current lack of openness to treatment, it sounds like she is not ready and honestly, may never be. What I would encourage you to do is to focus on healing yourself first and foremost. Because dealing with the guilt you will have for healing, and the truly hard work it takes to separate, you will need to give yourself permission to take care of yourself only, instead of taking care of her as well, maybe for the first time in your life. I wish you the most healing, helpful strength on your journey!đđ»đđđ»
I relate to this so much, & maybe @ some point can share some of my experiences. It is so confusing to be loved so deeply & also hurt so deeply. I know that the person w/BPD is suffering more than words can express, & yet can cause so much suffering. One of the most painful things for me to watch is the strong & unrelenting fear of abandonment while doing the very things that cause this. It breaks my heart to see my mother do this repeatedly. Sometimes it feels utterly hopeless, although, I try to stay hopeful. I think this channel is going to help so many people heal! I'm so grateful to all of the comments & Dr. Sage! Many thanks to this whole community! I'm sending healing thoughts & wishes to all! â€â€â€
@@scmommy4539 Thank you so much for sharing, it truly helps us all not feel so alone, and I hope you know that you are not alone in this struggle either!
Thank you and thank you DR, I went my whole life feeling I had a problem and Wondering to myself what exactly is that problem? Imagine not being able to explain how you hurt someone. I have been blackmailed, tarnished amidst having the roughest childhood ever!
Thank God I found this. A little late but I'll put In the work to heal! Just for the sake of my kids and sanity.
Your experience is similar to mine. The feeling of being deeply loved one minute, then frowned upon the next is EXTREMELY confusing. Even now I can't work out if she is a narc or a borderline.
Thanks for the very specific examples of how to nurture yourself and calm yourself. I've been going to therapy for months and still don't get this from my therapist even after asking for strategies, she just wants me to talk and talk.
What a lovely, compassionate intro to BPD sufferers. đ
Another great vid. The peace that comes with going 'no contact' is fully worth it but does not resolve the damage that was done. It's especially difficult while the person is still alive. There is no fixing them. I don't feel like a bad person, just a frustrated & stunted version of the person I think I would have become had I felt loved. Emotional neglect from a borderline Mother is, more often than not, unintentional, so it makes it particularly hard to deal with, as you feel both resentment and empathy at the same time. At the age of 60, I finally gave up but continue to analyze and search for information such as yours to bring some sanity to the life I had. Thank-you, your vids do help.
Thank you
You're welcome!!
My wife shared your videos with me because of how I was raised by my BPD mom. I'm looking forward to going through your videos series.
I do the "I will be good" thing always trying to prove my value to people and it leaves me empty inside.
I'm a perfectionist as a single mum and was my BPD narc mums best friend and confidant, I had to cut her out, it took 10yrs and have been NC for 6.5yrs now . I was recently triggered when my best friend put me down in front of another parent... I had a physical reaction, it was bad, felt like my heart broke, I left the bar and haven't seen her again... obviously there is a deep wound of not being good enough and always having to survive during childhood and any opinions that were different from my mums would be met with a punishment being the silent treatment or favouring another child. She was extremely toxic. I have been the only one to cut ties out of us 4 girls and of course she is the victim and I'm the evil daughter. I unfortunately had children to a psychopath who is friends with my narc mum and I had to get a VRO to protect the kids and myself...he pays no child support and is another victim. I've had 17yrs of therapy thus far, read countless books on PD and strive to be the opposite for my children. It is a lonely healing journey but an essential one. Thanks for your information and I look forward to hearing your other videos . đ
Omg. I gave been telling my mom that she always looked at me trough dirty glasses. I was a highachiever following every single rule in the book as a Christian and good person but she always sees me a dirty and defective. She was very loving, but no matter what I was never good enough. She is not the same wirh my brother which is so weird