YOU: Narcissist's Femme Fatale - or Mother?
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- čas přidán 11. 02. 2021
- The narcissist confuses Possessiveness, driven by TERROR; Mortification (leads to INTROSPECTION); Romantic Jealousy: PAIN which results in aversion and withdrawal.
Possessiveness is abandonment/separation anxiety & fear of loss. As long as object constancy (ownership of the partner taken for granted) is maintained, his partner can outsource all her sexual and emotional needs. He becomes possessive (not romantically jealous!) only when he senses imminent abandonment. The narcissist also regards any attempt to lie to him & to deceive him as a challenge to his grandiose omniscience & a sign that he is not as feared & held in awe as he imagines himself to be.
The narcissist is romantically jealous only of women he “loves” (infatuation, limerence): decadent specimen who are BOTH promiscuous & sophisticated (elegant and worldly).
The narcissist is never romantically jealous or possessive of women who serve as mere playmates, drivers, companions, housekeepers, & PAs. He demands their presence (no abandonment), services, or sex & pays for them. Otherwise, he wants to be left alone: solitude & solitary pursuits.
The cerebral narcissist has sex (typically kinky & sadistic) only within a shared fantasy &, even then, he much prefers object constancy (adulating presence) & services to sex, so he ultimately switches to celibacy & legitimizes the outsourcing by his partner of her needs.
ONLY mortification involves soul-searching & dysphoria. Romantic jealousy does not lead to introspection, only to pain.
The narcissist is especially mortified by women whom he doesn’t love & considers inferior to him, precisely because their betrayal is humiliating & unexpected, a WAKEUP CALL.
The narcissist can be mortified into accepting that he is a schizoid narcissist & should lead a solitary life, devoid of sex, love, and intimacy; that he is abusive (sadistic), crazy, & his own worst enemy; that all men are preferrable to him (he is irredeemably disabled & inferior, infantile, not a man); and that has disrespected & berated himself, so people disrespect, fear, hate, & are revolted by him.
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Prof. Vaknin, I have just left my 44 year imprisonment in a lunatic asylum with my sadistic and pathetic excuse for a man, every description you have given of the narcissist in this episode with his femme fatale infatuation I have witnessed with my own eyes, his relationship with me was stingy in every respect as you have pointed out. Everything you say in every episode regarding narcissists and their behaviour is utterly uncannily true to the reality of what I have witnessed. I am with him since I was 17 years old and I have finally left at 61, every young girl needs to know how to identify these people and run as fast as they can. There was no internet to educate us back in 1977 but I am still grateful to you for drawing the true picture of narcissism. Only education on the subject of narcissism can open peoples eyes, everything is so deceptive and the insanity is so hidden that one cannot identify them without that valuable education. I have been lucky to get away from him with my life.
I was the f'n mother! I encouraged his mother to move in, and that's when I saw it...I mortified him and left them to each other 😁 Thank you Prf. Vaknin!
That is why so many men lose their interest in their wives just after the wedding))
I was the ‘mother’ to him in my 19 year marriage and was treated with the minimum needed to keep me there. Everything you describe is spot on, word to word. Your insights are astoundingly accurate. Even though I left him many years ago, it gives me great comfort to hear what you say and know I wasn’t imagining all what I did, it is what it is. Ever grateful to you for educating us on this fascinating, mind boggling subject. 🙏
When I lived with him I became the unwilling mother, when I escaped I was back to the hounded femme fatale. The real me stopped existing until I isolated and recalibrated. It is a horrible experience being imprinted by a covert narc.
Well, I don´t know. All narcissists I know want the motherly type for long standing supply. They do not want to give the maximum but only the minimum for maximal benefit. Cannot imagine how a narcissist-femme fatale relationship should work out. I can imagine more of an affair than a relationship. It may be a shared phantasy but I think the femme fatale is more of a mistress than a partner or spouse.
Wow, I just realized I am just his mother figure. So sad!
Maybe you can look at the narcissist as a kind of terminator: human appearance, machine on the inside.
This has illuminated another grand hall of my personal horror story.
Mortification is a soul searching trough other people eyes
It's mind blowing how ACCURATE prof. Vaknin is! Everything he says I'm living right now!
Professor Vaknin, I have left a 15 year hall of mirrors, so called relationship. I have watched a lof videos. You are a life saver. I know I need to work on myself. If I was healthy I would never have gotten in it. I was the Narcissist mother and now I feel like I am reflecting the Narcissist. She would drive to the mechanic and expect me to drop everything to assist her. At the start, we had a lot of sex and towards the end very transactional. I thought I was dealing with a prostitute. I am in California USA. More people need to hear your message. You are the father I never had :). God Bless!!! I will be going to therapy shortly!! A world of gratitude for your message🖐
Thank you for your words, especially at the final part of this video.
Thank you Sam, I saw so many of your videos and am amazing how each brings yet another facet that opens up new awareness. This is by far the best insight into psychology I came across.
Absolutely spot on!!
I'm not sure if this comment is incredibly inappropriate, but the narcissist in my life literally said these words to me explicity during intimacy. Specifically about this bargain for solitude & outsourcing. This is the most heart stoppingly accurate description of the last decade of my Iife.
Bravo Sam! You have perfectly described myself,and frankly,90% of the people in my sphere of consciousness. Thank you for the breakthrough moment.
I am so deeply shaken and touched by this video. I now understand my role much better and why it had to come to this particular break - The role in his script of fantasy became a burden. So sad because I wanted to connect with this person in a different way, but now I understand why that couldn't work at all. Thank you for this clarification.
This one is epic! What a great and spot on description. Very understandable 🙏🏼 everything is pot on! I’m in a process of leaving narcissist, just so you know - I’m moving the country - that was the only way. And still in process and still not clear if we are able to get separated fully. It’s not a romantic relationship, it’s work. all so confusing.
All I can say is that I am constantly amazed at how well you explain everything so perfectly. And truthfully ….etc best video ever !