Any time I would stand up for myself I was told that I was trying to argue, being negative, or I'm being sensitive. Then the police would get called, or I was told to get out of the house. It really looks bad on you, because people think if you are put out or the police are involved that you're doing something wrong.
Yes, the shame game was played and also the fear, obligation and guilt games were played. The jig is up now! I am healing and no contact. I am feeling good by Nina Simone comes to mind. Thank you for sharing Petra. I have learned a lot from this website.
My NPD/BPD sister asked me to recommend a nightclub when we were young, so I did and we spent two hours there. I got more attention than her at the club. On the way home, she called me a slut (shaming) and accused me of making long distance phone calls from her land line (guilt tripping, gaslighting) . I believe I danced for about half an hour of our two hour stay and she sat with a rigid look on her face and rarely danced. I never made long distance calls on her phone. This is one of a hundred examples of her behaviour over the years. She fancies herself a spiritual advisor and Reiki master. These people never change, have no authentic self and are parasitic demons
Thanks hun..narcissists know what buttons to press..take care hun..hope your well, big hugs 😊💕owning all your shame..takes it out of the narcs hands..dont let them control it..own it 💕
Such an important aspect of healing, as the dominant pattern in N abuse is foisting shame upon the target. So glad you pointed out how anger in the victim works as a coping mechanism and masks the real feeling being triggered, which is remembering how it feels to be shamed in childhood.
I needed to hear this today. I've been feeling so much guilt and shame from my mom & sis. The comments they make are so insensitive and shaming that it triggers me so bad my anxiety takes control of me. This video reminds me to stay centered and on my path and not let anything they say shake me.
This video explains it perfectly. I will no longer buy-in guilt and shame from the narc in my life. I'm on the road to healthy recovery!!! Thank you so much 😊
This helped me. Yes the narcissist criticised every aspect of my life i could never win. They shamed what I ate what i wore how expensive or cheap something I bought. I never understood shame no one explained it.
This shaming often happens if we try to set boundaries .. then they accuse you of being insecure or jealous etc. each Narc is a little different, however some things they are all alike.
Yeah I used to think that I wasn't pretty enough. Plus at times I got with people because I felt sorry for them at times. It's just kind of hard to explain. But I mostly felt like I wasn't going to find real love based off of what I look like. The devil is a lie.
This is such a brilliant video. Thank you. It's all backwards. Not my guilt, not my shame. They are just projections that were put on me. Much love and gratitude to you.
I know for a long time that "something" was wrong. But i did not get it. I was anxious to talk about this. What you velue the most is trampled on you. I was so full of shame. Until the total situation became so crazy whit attacks and alligantios in my direction? Wel i am now beyond the shame and open it up and ask for help. To good people. You helpt me with that, so thank you for being You. Have a nice day tomorrow with "the birthday " 😉. See you soon Petra. Take care sweet .m
Lady_KSP Exactly! What do you believe about what people have told you about yourself and what do you KNOW and believe to be true about your own wants, needs and values?
Gads! This is SOOOO true. Thinking back I feel that it was this kind of behavior by my mother that actually did the most long-lasting damage to me. Yes, it's so insidious...and as an adult I could not even really pinpoint why I had such terrible self esteem, PTSD and chronic anxiety. I may not have been the best mother to my own son but I was determined to tell him how special he was, how much I loved him and be as supportive as I was able. He still ended up being impacted by my mother's influence and my own damaged self but as an adult he understands it now. Here's to healing all around!
Have a mother who uses shame and guilt by bringing up random stuff because I point out her bad behavior towards me. If I point out any way that is unhealthy in her (in dealing with conflict) she gaslights and dismisses. And also blame shifts... the conversation then never gets resolved and goes in loops over and over. I guess she thinks I dont know what she's doing, but jokes on her (now that I understand this)!!!
He would say to me I didn't say anything to you. I didn't do that. Then he would make me question myself. I would say to myself that I don't remember ever just randomly hearing things or whatever. But maybe I did just imagine that.
Thank you for spending your time to make these videos. This one in particular came at the right time for me personally. I appreciate and admire what you're doing
Thank You For Sharing U Are Absolutely Right I Have Controlled For Over 4 Yrs .The Narcissists Is AlWays Belittling Me.Saying Horrible Things To Me Making :Me Second Guess My Self.This Is How They Have Total Control Over You.
Thank you Petra, someone on RC BLAKES channel directed me to this channel it’s quite eye opening. Now I know why my husband unwarrantedly waits for me to make mistakes or go as far looking for loopholes even in my past and throws it on me. But God has always had my back and I will come out of it .
As a matter of fact , they no longer bear a meaning to hurt me. The sickness is that of theirs , but not ours . This still helps . Thanks. 🙏👣💜☀️ Some people live unbalanced lives , not being aware of it , all through their lives .
My ex friend is a catholic....they seem to be very into shame and guilt....I told her its not my thing.!!!! Then they lead a double life...such hypocrites.!!!! Thanks Petra....do you think most narcs are religious ??
There's no such thing as a none dysfunctional home. There are some level of dysfunctional. Perfect explanation of a narcissistic person. I was a victim to my older sister who is now aiming for my older daughter. My daughter is in her 30s. I recognise my sister's behaviour towards her. I dont know what to do. Because I dont want to plant any seed in my daughter's mind, see. It's shaken me to the core. What do I do?
Love her! She is definitely my favorite person to listen too about this stuff. She knows exactly what she's talking about. I love the way she explains it.
Just what I needed to remember because I have to spend time with my husband after 2 years of separation because if a family event. The shame or blame that was in me from my past was always triggered by his fault finding. Thank you for your remindi g me how to release and take time to heal so I can be free .
My 20 year old daughter is a narcissist. Never did I think when I was a young mom my relationship with my child would be this way later in life. Very, very painful having your own child treat you this way.
Yep it is very training. If I confronted him about flirting with someone, or whatever the case maybe. He would always say to me you only feel like that because of what happened in the past with your exes. So I would second guess myself.
My narc would always throw my single mom status in my face as an insult. See, I was publicly excommunicated by my church when i got preggo so the shame was enormous. Im still not married so now the narc always reminds me as a way to say I should be happy someone wants me. As if because my ex didnt marry me, I should be happy the narc wants to, so he can continue with his verbal and emotional abuse. It really does hurt-but Im realize what he is doing and this video definetly confirmes it. Thank u so much
Thank you so much for your videos! This is so accurate. I have been separated and divorced over a period of the last year and a half. I have to keep limited contact with the narc because we still have one minor child Who I am forced to communicate about. The narc actually uses the word shameful and his communication with me all the time. Again thank you for your videos, they have been a very big source of comfort to me. I have also learned so much!
I’ve had to deal with this all my life. My mother is a covert narcissist and as she is now in her 80s she has got even worse. I can no longer take her abuse and
You can choose to no longer tolerate your mother's abuse, Janet. I know it's a tremendous challenge but you have every right to set healthy boundaries. This is loving to yourself and to your mother (even though she doesn't see it that way)
@@PetraVanDeijl Hi Petra, I have just had to go no contact and I was very close to calling her today (it’s ALWAYS me who apologies half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying sorry for! 🤷🏻♀️) I’m like you an empath and don’t like to think I’ve caused anyone any hurt btbh I know she isn’t even upset by it. My husband went to see her the other day to say that I can no longer see her and to return her Bank cards as I do all her grocery shopping every week the thing is he said she wasn’t even a bit upset or sorry for the way she’s been treating me! She just kept saying I don’t feel very well and I can’t see very well at the moment like that excuses her behaviour 😳 she has already got her cleaner (treats her like a daughter) now already recruited to do her shopping and said she will have to sell the home and move into assisted living housing so we won’t be seeing a penny of her money! He just remained calm and said that’s your choice if you feel you have no other option. I feel so hurt by it all (I’m her only child) I just can’t comprehend that she could just be so wicked and cruel. I have had lots of support from family and friends saying they support my decision and I couldn’t of been a more loving and supportive daughter BUT it’s still pretty dam hard to take! She’s eventually going to end up all alone as she’s been so horrid to everyone but particularly to me I’ve always been her scapegoat but I just cant take her abuse anymore 😥 your channel is really helping me to stay the course but it’s still hard to come to terms with I suppose in time it’ll get easier I just feel so very guilty and also angry with her for even putting me in this position.
IF JASON COULD HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH ME I WOULD HAVE TRIED TO HELP HIM. BUT I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF. A NARCISSIST CAN MAKE YOU FLIP YOUR VEHICLE TO GET FREE. SO SCARY.
I was raised in a scapegoating family and am the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother. Both of my parents are deceased more than ten years respectively. As you describe, one of my mother's most-used tools against me was shame. She gave me all of my beliefs about myself and she made everything about me extremely negative. I understand that my low self esteem is a result of my mother's abuse. And I one thing that has been suggested is that I try to replace what my mother said with other beliefs. That is where I am having extreme difficulty. I don't know what to tell myself about myself. I have some accomplishments that I have achieved. Do I highlight those in my 'self talk'? My mother gave me that I have distinct facial features that make me extremely unattractive? I don't think that I'm ugly, but she did. Do I say the complete opposite? Do I tell myself that I'm beautiful? I have explained to a couple of people that I am looking for what 'normal baseline' is - how do people typically feel about themselves - their appearance, their intelligence, their abilities - if they were not told that everything about themselves was wrong?
If you don’t create a system of love for yourself which isn’t determined by anybody else’s views; a system of love that’s built on what you tell yourself, you’ll always fall victim to the words of others. The same way one person can validate you is the same way they have the power to take said validation and turn it into a manipulation tool to control you and keep you feeling small. Your mothers idea of beauty is one standard and your neighbour has another. Even when you think you have all the features that society deems as beautiful, one passer buy can still have the power to dictate how you feel about yourself if you let them. Or worse, society’s beauty standards change (because it is based on trends), one day you feel beautiful because society validates that and the next society shames you for what was once vogue. I may not be answering your question, but i hope I’m giving you a thought pattern to help you dictate for yourself what you believe. You are an individual, we all are, express yourself as such and not as a hidden part of the crowd. Everyone appreciates individual identity, dictate yours and believe your words over others.
My Narcissistic husband came home from therapy(yes I got him to go to therapy) & he said he had “ Shame & Guilt” he pointed to his stomach he said inside him he has this. I was completely Shocked staring at him thinking OMG he is a Narcissist he is telling me he feels worthless. Hmm..he is opening up here “WOW” he gave me a glass of wine then ran off scared -after telling me. No kidding ran and hid from me & blocked my texts etc...Insanity!!! I was happy he was opening up & I knew his Mother really messed him up. Especially after seeing her 3 Christmas trees. Taking photos all the time trying to present the perfect family etc..
Wow. The silence. That was always the worst. No one sees what happens behind closed doors. Don't tell anyone what's really going on with the covert narcissist. It's so subtle you don't even see the shaming... 🤐
Your honesty is so appreciated and your message is amazing. Thank you so very much for this, sis. This may very well be the video that has spoken the most to my soul. Many blessings to YOU, Petra.🙏🏿💗
Thank you about not just blaming parents. If you're used to loving people you can be even more vulnerable and trusting to authority figures with axes to grind.
Compassionate loving understanding patient gentle honest with myself??? That sounds impossible but I hunger and press on toward it. Thank you for this and your beautiful way of speaking!
I aint a co-dependent either and i don't av a low self esteem or low self worth either, and I dont suffer wiv toxic shame or guilt either, I'm just a good old fashioned Free Spirited passionate, creative and fiery wild Welsh man.
I've came across your videos and identify with everything you speak about. I'm currently in a relationship with on for seven years and two years into a marriage. I'm at this stage where I want to go but it is the blame and shame game. Thank you for this knowledge on this subject.
You can not undo the past Mason. However you can choose to move forward with new insights and a vision for your life. You have that right as a woman, human being and truth warrior!
I recently discovered that I was deeply affected by shame during intimate encounters, my narc 'father' would demand to come into the bathroom when i was younger whilst having a bath just to use the toilet. This made me ashamed of my naked body which in turn affected my sexual relationships. As a man, this nearly devastated me seeing as i was sexually abused as well and the factor of deep shame and uncleanliness is something i need to work on.
February, 2018 last year met a gorgeous girl from Hereford, England bout an hour and a half from where I live in Swansea, Wales. Whirlwind romance, really loving to me and me to her etc, we were so much alike like soul mates. Dynamic sex etc. 6 months later out of the blue last September she just turned on me one night while we were watching a film for no reason. Really nasty to my face, then she was crying bout it, then nasty again to me. It's Like dealing wiv a Schitzopheric wiv a dual personality. Me being an Empath and Spiritually Fit to, went searched myself to see where i was going wrong, and i wasn't going wrong. Anyway sent her off to the Doctors, Dr said it was "PMT" put her on tablets they didn't work (if she took them that is mind). Then She'd text things to me which i thought was contradictions and confusing, I'd be 2nd guessing myself, soon I was back on my anti-anxiety tablets which I'd been clean off for 5 months, cos of the stress wiv her, and a court case fighting for her 2 kids for custody wiv her Ex, the Father of her 2 kids is a complete Covert Narcissist to, viscious he is. Also she'd say things to me which i think we're weird and not right, her knowing my past and how I was rejected and neglected as a child (which I had councilling for and I'm free from by the way) and i'd get this gut feeling in my stomach she shouldn't av said that cos it aint right or normal if i asked her for a kiss she said "no," she'd say to her cousin "Oh he probably thinks I've rejected him now" and they'd both laugh. She'd then deny things she just said like 30 seconds after saying em and i'd pull her up on those words she just said to. Use over inflated words against me cos i walked out on her and told her to get out of my house wiv her kids and go home, like "Oh ur banishing us then." "Oh ur such a victim Alex" and "ur always feeling sorry for urself." and "I thought u was a real man?" and then say days later "oh i was just angry and i didn't mean it." and i'd believe her cos i know couples say things they don't mean in arguments Petra. But sumfink aint right wiv this Lady, the last 4 months good times aside have been hell wiv her, leaving me 2nd guessing her all the time, me being overtly paranoid about what she say's and is up to. She keeps blocking me in arguments from her phone and social media when i confront her wiv issue's i have wiv her attitude. Also she's on Facebook using 2 accounts one which aint been used posted in since October, 2018, but she's still using the same photo and name of that account up until today cos i see the posts when they come on my page but go to her Facebook page and there's no posts on there since october, 2018, suspicious and maybe she's created another facebook account to smear my name that I can't see. She's told all her friends back in October to block me for no reason to. Money went missing out of my bank account last week and she's the only one who knows my Card details, I got a new card sent to me after cancelling the old card. After bluffing her into thinking through a text to catch her out I text her "that my bank told me it was your laptop that took the money out of my bank account, explain please?? And cum to the Police station to clear ur name if ur innocent, if u wont cum to clear ur name like any innocent person would then that just shows ur guilt." Cos I really mistrust this Lady and have good reasons to also. (it was an internet transaction also) she went to the Police and reported me for harrassment. I'm like why would a woman who claims to love me go to the Police to report me for harrassment? So I aint allowed to contact her now in any shape or form whatsoever (and i don't want to either) or I'll be arrested. And i told the Police the same applies to her if she contacts me I will ring the Police and have eiher arrested for harrassment. One of her children aged 5 bless him is severely dysfunctional and a baby Narcissist in the making to like His dad slowly, very dominant of his mother, very self pitying and good at playing games to. She's also this woman very controlling, is also always out and about on coffee time wiv tons and tons of friends which i think is way to extreme. She also hates the fact that she can't control me cos I'm a Welsh Wild boy in a good way mind and I'm very very free spirited Empath who cares not what people think of me or how I dress etc. She says she loves my free spirited Welshness, but i don't beleive she does. When she texts me or e mails me or rings me or Fb's me its always confusion in her words, leaves me 2nd guessing what she's saying, and then face to face she will say "oh I din't mean that I meant this Alex." I'm like na this isn't right, for the last 4 months something tells me this womans's a Covert female Narcissist and a Co-depenedent all in one. And she knows as a trained Counciler myself I know all about Narcissism and Co-dependency. She doesn't like that either i suspect, feel like I've been going mad the last 4 months, my head is fried, though i do laugh at myself and her crazy head. Shen just say's "oh it's just mke I'm Female u know what we are like." I said to her "bollocks I've never met a woman like that before apart from my first wife." and she does remind me of my first wife though I aint taking her head off and putting my first wife's head on her shoulders mind, I aint doing that, i know how that works. She calls me "manipulative and controlling to." Which i know I aint, and she's just using a "transference Neurosis technique" putting the blame onto me. and she'll say things under stress and trials "I don't care about what u feel Alex I only care about what I feel at this precise moment in this stress." Which i think is female covert narcissism. In an arguement she's say things like "oh u never give anyone a chance to apologise Alex do u?" and I'll say "Rubbish sweetheart ur just shifting the blame and heat onto me by deflecting ur guilt and shifting the blame onto me also." Which she doesn't like though she wont admit it cos she knows I see straight through her crap. Anyway relationship's over now. She's blocked on every devise so she can't get hold of me, and if she does contact me in any shape or form she'll be arrested for Harrassment. What u think about what I've writen concerning this mad woman Petra and other subscrbbers i could really do wiv other's professional and experienced people's info??? God bless u all, Alex.
The Police were really hard on me too cos she'd gone in the Police Station playing the victim, this was a woman who'd I'd loved to the max and laid my life down for her and the kids the last 11 months. I hate the fact i bluffed her but I had to cos there was no other way to find out the truth bout her. The bank know where the hacked money went to but the not allowed to tell me by Legal UK law who did it. I got the cash back but it aint the point, i knew for the last 4 months that there was something not right wiv this women. Alex.
Hereford. Adopted Narczilla & her mother the grand monster are/were Hereford born & bred. I grew up there & I'm currently living there now. I've lived abroad & in several other places in the UK for almost 20 years in between. I have never experienced the level or number of extremely toxic people anywhere else. Just last week I had good reason to comment out of sheer exasperation that it must be something genetic around here! & that I'm grateful my birth family, who I met & know, have absolutely no connection to the place.
"The narc uses shame and guilt to control you" ... so does satan
Mmmmm that's true! I didn't look at it like that. That's dangerous.
Absolutely true. I am a big girl too and yes Narcist never lets you forget the body-shaming incident and even if u want to let it go they remind you.
i guess I am quite off topic but do anybody know of a good site to stream new movies online ?
@Jack Sincere Lately I have been using flixzone. You can find it on google :)
The devil is one big narcissist. he is the father of all those who embrace all narcissistic ways
Any time I would stand up for myself I was told that I was trying to argue, being negative, or I'm being sensitive. Then the police would get called, or I was told to get out of the house. It really looks bad on you, because people think if you are put out or the police are involved that you're doing something wrong.
Yes. Absolutally true.
I never fall for the shame game....that's their problem not mine...!!!!
If my working colleague does this, i will threaten him with sick leave so he can play actor of a B movie flick by himself.
This needs to be taught in schools k-12 grades...its so important for healthy relationship building for adolescents, teens and into adulthood.
Yes, the shame game was played and also the fear, obligation and guilt games were played. The jig is up now! I am healing and no contact. I am feeling good by Nina Simone comes to mind. Thank you for sharing Petra. I have learned a lot from this website.
The F.O.G. FEAR, OBLIGATION, GUILT!
My NPD/BPD sister asked me to recommend a nightclub when we were young, so I did and we spent two hours there. I got more attention than her at the club. On the way home, she called me a slut (shaming) and accused me of making long distance phone calls from her land line (guilt tripping, gaslighting) . I believe I danced for about half an hour of our two hour stay and she sat with a rigid look on her face and rarely danced. I never made long distance calls on her phone. This is one of a hundred examples of her behaviour over the years. She fancies herself a spiritual advisor and Reiki master. These people never change, have no authentic self and are parasitic demons
Omg I love u
It all just clicked
I got it
3 yrs of watching videos & it all just fell into place-just like a puzzle.
Thank you!!!!!!!!
Jenny Love, this message really touched me too.
Thanks hun..narcissists know what buttons to press..take care hun..hope your well, big hugs 😊💕owning all your shame..takes it out of the narcs hands..dont let them control it..own it 💕
Such an important aspect of healing, as the dominant pattern in N abuse is foisting shame upon the target. So glad you pointed out how anger in the victim works as a coping mechanism and masks the real feeling being triggered, which is remembering how it feels to be shamed in childhood.
I needed to hear this today. I've been feeling so much guilt and shame from my mom & sis. The comments they make are so insensitive and shaming that it triggers me so bad my anxiety takes control of me. This video reminds me to stay centered and on my path and not let anything they say shake me.
If such thing as natural talent exists, it is definitely the way you speak to us. Thank you, dear Petra.
Kay 100 Thank you so much for your warm words. Keep the good stuff in motion 👊
Absolutely true Petra, the way you word the truth is so comforting. Yellow is definitely your color 😘☀️
This video explains it perfectly. I will no longer buy-in guilt and shame from the narc in my life. I'm on the road to healthy recovery!!! Thank you so much 😊
This helped me. Yes the narcissist criticised every aspect of my life i could never win. They shamed what I ate what i wore how expensive or cheap something I bought. I never understood shame no one explained it.
This shaming often happens if we try to set boundaries .. then they accuse you of being insecure or jealous etc. each Narc is a little different, however some things they are all alike.
Or " thats your family"
Thanks again for another great video full of great information enabling all to understand, and heal the wounds of narcissistic behavior.
Yeah I used to think that I wasn't pretty enough. Plus at times I got with people because I felt sorry for them at times. It's just kind of hard to explain. But I mostly felt like I wasn't going to find real love based off of what I look like. The devil is a lie.
This is such a brilliant video. Thank you. It's all backwards. Not my guilt, not my shame. They are just projections that were put on me. Much love and gratitude to you.
Thank you Petra, 💕. My narc husband pick up where my parents left off.
I know for a long time that "something" was wrong. But i did not get it. I was anxious to talk about this. What you velue the most is trampled on you. I was so full of shame. Until the total situation became so crazy whit attacks and alligantios in my direction? Wel i am now beyond the shame and open it up and ask for help. To good people. You helpt me with that, so thank you for being You. Have a nice day tomorrow with "the birthday " 😉. See you soon Petra. Take care sweet .m
Yes most people use anger as a defense mechanism.
FIRST!!THANKS FOR YOUR WISDOM!!!
THANKS FOR THIS PETRA💯✨👌🏾 " is this how I'm really feeling?... What is mine and what is theirs?"
Lady_KSP Exactly! What do you believe about what people have told you about yourself and what do you KNOW and believe to be true about your own wants, needs and values?
Gads! This is SOOOO true. Thinking back I feel that it was this kind of behavior by my mother that actually did the most long-lasting damage to me. Yes, it's so insidious...and as an adult I could not even really pinpoint why I had such terrible self esteem, PTSD and chronic anxiety. I may not have been the best mother to my own son but I was determined to tell him how special he was, how much I loved him and be as supportive as I was able. He still ended up being impacted by my mother's influence and my own damaged self but as an adult he understands it now. Here's to healing all around!
RedSpiralHand Thank you for sharing your experience with us👏👏👏💞💕😊It's very relatable.
Have a mother who uses shame and guilt by bringing up random stuff because I point out her bad behavior towards me. If I point out any way that is unhealthy in her (in dealing with conflict) she gaslights and dismisses. And also blame shifts... the conversation then never gets resolved and goes in loops over and over. I guess she thinks I dont know what she's doing, but jokes on her (now that I understand this)!!!
He would say to me I didn't say anything to you. I didn't do that. Then he would make me question myself. I would say to myself that I don't remember ever just randomly hearing things or whatever. But maybe I did just imagine that.
What a wonderful video thank you for taking the time 🌹
You have described my childhood. It is as if you knew me personally.
Thanks for the heart Petra 💐
Was controlled my whole life and nearly killed for their pleasure. Sad these people roam free and imprison normal healthy people.
Thank you for spending your time to make these videos. This one in particular came at the right time for me personally. I appreciate and admire what you're doing
Thank You For Sharing
U Are Absolutely Right I
Have Controlled For Over
4 Yrs .The Narcissists Is AlWays
Belittling Me.Saying Horrible Things
To Me Making :Me Second Guess
My Self.This Is How They Have Total
Control Over You.
Thank you Petra, someone on RC BLAKES channel directed me to this channel it’s quite eye opening. Now I know why my husband unwarrantedly waits for me to make mistakes or go as far looking for loopholes even in my past and throws it on me. But God has always had my back and I will come out of it .
Amazing! Thank you! I fully received your message in this video! 💖💖
queenofsuccess Looking forward to speaking with you tomorrow ❤
As a matter of fact , they no longer bear a meaning to hurt me. The sickness is that of theirs , but not ours . This still helps . Thanks. 🙏👣💜☀️
Some people live unbalanced lives , not being aware of it , all through their lives .
I love your videos. Thank you🌷
My ex friend is a catholic....they seem to be very into shame and guilt....I told her its not my thing.!!!! Then they lead a double life...such hypocrites.!!!! Thanks Petra....do you think most narcs are religious ??
There's no such thing as a none dysfunctional home. There are some level of dysfunctional. Perfect explanation of a narcissistic person. I was a victim to my older sister who is now aiming for my older daughter. My daughter is in her 30s. I recognise my sister's behaviour towards her. I dont know what to do. Because I dont want to plant any seed in my daughter's mind, see. It's shaken me to the core. What do I do?
Love her! She is definitely my favorite person to listen too about this stuff. She knows exactly what she's talking about. I love the way she explains it.
Thank you so much Nikki. xxx
Just what I needed to remember because I have to spend time with my husband after 2 years of separation because if a family event.
The shame or blame that was in me from my past was always triggered by his fault finding.
Thank you for your remindi g me how to release and take time to heal so I can be free .
My 20 year old daughter is a narcissist. Never did I think when I was a young mom my relationship with my child would be this way later in life. Very, very painful having your own child treat you this way.
Where's her father? Broken homes produce unstable people.
Yep it is very training. If I confronted him about flirting with someone, or whatever the case maybe. He would always say to me you only feel like that because of what happened in the past with your exes. So I would second guess myself.
My narc would always throw my single mom status in my face as an insult. See, I was publicly excommunicated by my church when i got preggo so the shame was enormous. Im still not married so now the narc always reminds me as a way to say I should be happy someone wants me. As if because my ex didnt marry me, I should be happy the narc wants to, so he can continue with his verbal and emotional abuse. It really does hurt-but Im realize what he is doing and this video definetly confirmes it. Thank u so much
get a good man. they exist.
Single mothers definitely should not be celebrated. This is promoting the broken families that you see and the fall of our society.
Released!
Jen Diaz ,
So happy for you 💜
Thank you
So grateful for the work you do ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for your videos! This is so accurate. I have been separated and divorced over a period of the last year and a half. I have to keep limited contact with the narc because we still have one minor child Who I am forced to communicate about. The narc actually uses the word shameful and his communication with me all the time. Again thank you for your videos, they have been a very big source of comfort to me. I have also learned so much!
I actually bought the same plant inspired by your videos 😊 🌿
LOL, that's great! The plant was given to me by my mum and sister when I opened my practice doors 14 years ago.
Petra Van Deijl Haha 😃👍🏼
Beautifully said lovely one!
I’ve had to deal with this all my life. My mother is a covert narcissist and as she is now in her 80s she has got even worse. I can no longer take her abuse and
You can choose to no longer tolerate your mother's abuse, Janet. I know it's a tremendous challenge but you have every right to set healthy boundaries. This is loving to yourself and to your mother (even though she doesn't see it that way)
@@PetraVanDeijl Hi Petra, I have just had to go no contact and I was very close to calling her today (it’s ALWAYS me who apologies half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying sorry for! 🤷🏻♀️) I’m like you an empath and don’t like to think I’ve caused anyone any hurt btbh I know she isn’t even upset by it. My husband went to see her the other day to say that I can no longer see her and to return her Bank cards as I do all her grocery shopping every week the thing is he said she wasn’t even a bit upset or sorry for the way she’s been treating me! She just kept saying I don’t feel very well and I can’t see very well at the moment like that excuses her behaviour 😳 she has already got her cleaner (treats her like a daughter) now already recruited to do her shopping and said she will have to sell the home and move into assisted living housing so we won’t be seeing a penny of her money! He just remained calm and said that’s your choice if you feel you have no other option. I feel so hurt by it all (I’m her only child) I just can’t comprehend that she could just be so wicked and cruel.
I have had lots of support from family and friends saying they support my decision and I couldn’t of been a more loving and supportive daughter BUT it’s still pretty dam hard to take! She’s eventually going to end up all alone as she’s been so horrid to everyone but particularly to me I’ve always been her scapegoat but I just cant take her abuse anymore 😥 your channel is really helping me to stay the course but it’s still hard to come to terms with I suppose in time it’ll get easier I just feel so very guilty and also angry with her for even putting me in this position.
You are beautiful Petra. Thank you!
Thank you James, and you're welcome.
IF JASON COULD HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH ME I WOULD HAVE TRIED TO HELP HIM. BUT I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF. A NARCISSIST CAN MAKE YOU FLIP YOUR VEHICLE TO GET FREE. SO SCARY.
I was raised in a scapegoating family and am the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother. Both of my parents are deceased more than ten years respectively. As you describe, one of my mother's most-used tools against me was shame. She gave me all of my beliefs about myself and she made everything about me extremely negative. I understand that my low self esteem is a result of my mother's abuse. And I one thing that has been suggested is that I try to replace what my mother said with other beliefs. That is where I am having extreme difficulty. I don't know what to tell myself about myself. I have some accomplishments that I have achieved. Do I highlight those in my 'self talk'? My mother gave me that I have distinct facial features that make me extremely unattractive? I don't think that I'm ugly, but she did. Do I say the complete opposite? Do I tell myself that I'm beautiful? I have explained to a couple of people that I am looking for what 'normal baseline' is - how do people typically feel about themselves - their appearance, their intelligence, their abilities - if they were not told that everything about themselves was wrong?
If you don’t create a system of love for yourself which isn’t determined by anybody else’s views; a system of love that’s built on what you tell yourself, you’ll always fall victim to the words of others. The same way one person can validate you is the same way they have the power to take said validation and turn it into a manipulation tool to control you and keep you feeling small.
Your mothers idea of beauty is one standard and your neighbour has another. Even when you think you have all the features that society deems as beautiful, one passer buy can still have the power to dictate how you feel about yourself if you let them. Or worse, society’s beauty standards change (because it is based on trends), one day you feel beautiful because society validates that and the next society shames you for what was once vogue.
I may not be answering your question, but i hope I’m giving you a thought pattern to help you dictate for yourself what you believe. You are an individual, we all are, express yourself as such and not as a hidden part of the crowd. Everyone appreciates individual identity, dictate yours and believe your words over others.
My Narcissistic husband came home from therapy(yes I got him to go to therapy) & he said he had “ Shame & Guilt” he pointed to his stomach he said inside him he has this. I was completely Shocked staring at him thinking OMG he is a Narcissist he is telling me he feels worthless. Hmm..he is opening up here “WOW” he gave me a glass of wine then ran off scared -after telling me. No kidding ran and hid from me & blocked my texts etc...Insanity!!! I was happy he was opening up & I knew his Mother really messed him up. Especially after seeing her 3 Christmas trees. Taking photos all the time trying to present the perfect family etc..
Wow. The silence. That was always the worst. No one sees what happens behind closed doors. Don't tell anyone what's really going on with the covert narcissist. It's so subtle you don't even see the shaming... 🤐
Your honesty is so appreciated and your message is amazing. Thank you so very much for this, sis. This may very well be the video that has spoken the most to my soul. Many blessings to YOU, Petra.🙏🏿💗
Thank you about not just blaming parents. If you're used to loving people you can be even more vulnerable and trusting to authority figures with axes to grind.
Thankyou for being human & thankyou for sharing & healing or understanding wounds that some can’t verbalise 🙏🏻❤️👍🏻
I am humbled by your warm words. Thank you dear Kaz. More power. love and courage to you.
Petra Van Deijl
And you to ..... ❤️
Compassionate loving understanding patient gentle honest with myself??? That sounds impossible but I hunger and press on toward it. Thank you for this and your beautiful way of speaking!
wonderful Video and Very insightful truth ... Love your work Petra ! thank you
Kaleb st clair Thank you! Xxx
I aint a co-dependent either and i don't av a low self esteem or low self worth either, and I dont suffer wiv toxic shame or guilt either, I'm just a good old fashioned Free Spirited passionate, creative and fiery wild Welsh man.
I've came across your videos and identify with everything you speak about. I'm currently in a relationship with on for seven years and two years into a marriage. I'm at this stage where I want to go but it is the blame and shame game. Thank you for this knowledge on this subject.
I'm just an old Fashioned, old school Celtic Empath.
You have such a soothing voice. Thank you very much for the content. 💕
Your voice is like a hug :) x
Aaaw sweet, thank you ❤
hello thank you for your insight and light i am going through this and my birthday is in a few days… my heart hurts
Wow so true. I was guilted and shamed every day by my parents. Trying to undo all the damage.
You can not undo the past Mason. However you can choose to move forward with new insights and a vision for your life. You have that right as a woman, human being and truth warrior!
This is a really wonderful video, thank you.
A certain group of women do this to a certain group of men online daily.
Amazing explanation! Thanks Petra :)
You are beautiful Ma'am. Thank you for your insight.
You're welcome. Thank you for your warm words
Thank you for this! ❤️
Thank u for all the material . Really helpfull. Thank you for your profesional advice and warmth.
You're more than welcome xx
God bless you for sharing these videos.
Thank you Petra ❤️
You're most welcome!
Thank you topper!! 🌼🌻🌺🍀
i love your accent
To make you feel bad also
I recently discovered that I was deeply affected by shame during intimate encounters, my narc 'father' would demand to come into the bathroom when i was younger whilst having a bath just to use the toilet. This made me ashamed of my naked body which in turn affected my sexual relationships. As a man, this nearly devastated me seeing as i was sexually abused as well and the factor of deep shame and uncleanliness is something i need to work on.
SPOT ON
Mine did this 100% of the time. 🙄
Volume is very low
Susan Kneller Try headphones
Petra Van Deijl I actually have tinnitus so head phones are not a good idea. I listened to this in a silent room, talking about silence...
😢🤨
Great vid Petra, thanks love.
So it's really not a personal attack?
It's our own perceptions.
Thanks
Love this
😊😊😊
February, 2018 last year met a gorgeous girl from Hereford, England bout an hour and a half from where I live in Swansea, Wales. Whirlwind romance, really loving to me and me to her etc, we were so much alike like soul mates. Dynamic sex etc. 6 months later out of the blue last September she just turned on me one night while we were watching a film for no reason. Really nasty to my face, then she was crying bout it, then nasty again to me. It's Like dealing wiv a Schitzopheric wiv a dual personality. Me being an Empath and Spiritually Fit to, went searched myself to see where i was going wrong, and i wasn't going wrong. Anyway sent her off to the Doctors, Dr said it was "PMT" put her on tablets they didn't work (if she took them that is mind). Then She'd text things to me which i thought was contradictions and confusing, I'd be 2nd guessing myself, soon I was back on my anti-anxiety tablets which I'd been clean off for 5 months, cos of the stress wiv her, and a court case fighting for her 2 kids for custody wiv her Ex, the Father of her 2 kids is a complete Covert Narcissist to, viscious he is. Also she'd say things to me which i think we're weird and not right, her knowing my past and how I was rejected and neglected as a child (which I had councilling for and I'm free from by the way) and i'd get this gut feeling in my stomach she shouldn't av said that cos it aint right or normal if i asked her for a kiss she said "no," she'd say to her cousin "Oh he probably thinks I've rejected him now" and they'd both laugh. She'd then deny things she just said like 30 seconds after saying em and i'd pull her up on those words she just said to. Use over inflated words against me cos i walked out on her and told her to get out of my house wiv her kids and go home, like "Oh ur banishing us then." "Oh ur such a victim Alex" and "ur always feeling sorry for urself." and "I thought u was a real man?" and then say days later "oh i was just angry and i didn't mean it." and i'd believe her cos i know couples say things they don't mean in arguments Petra. But sumfink aint right wiv this Lady, the last 4 months good times aside have been hell wiv her, leaving me 2nd guessing her all the time, me being overtly paranoid about what she say's and is up to. She keeps blocking me in arguments from her phone and social media when i confront her wiv issue's i have wiv her attitude. Also she's on Facebook using 2 accounts one which aint been used posted in since October, 2018, but she's still using the same photo and name of that account up until today cos i see the posts when they come on my page but go to her Facebook page and there's no posts on there since october, 2018, suspicious and maybe she's created another facebook account to smear my name that I can't see. She's told all her friends back in October to block me for no reason to. Money went missing out of my bank account last week and she's the only one who knows my Card details, I got a new card sent to me after cancelling the old card. After bluffing her into thinking through a text to catch her out I text her "that my bank told me it was your laptop that took the money out of my bank account, explain please?? And cum to the Police station to clear ur name if ur innocent, if u wont cum to clear ur name like any innocent person would then that just shows ur guilt." Cos I really mistrust this Lady and have good reasons to also. (it was an internet transaction also) she went to the Police and reported me for harrassment. I'm like why would a woman who claims to love me go to the Police to report me for harrassment? So I aint allowed to contact her now in any shape or form whatsoever (and i don't want to either) or I'll be arrested. And i told the Police the same applies to her if she contacts me I will ring the Police and have eiher arrested for harrassment. One of her children aged 5 bless him is severely dysfunctional and a baby Narcissist in the making to like His dad slowly, very dominant of his mother, very self pitying and good at playing games to. She's also this woman very controlling, is also always out and about on coffee time wiv tons and tons of friends which i think is way to extreme. She also hates the fact that she can't control me cos I'm a Welsh Wild boy in a good way mind and I'm very very free spirited Empath who cares not what people think of me or how I dress etc. She says she loves my free spirited Welshness, but i don't beleive she does. When she texts me or e mails me or rings me or Fb's me its always confusion in her words, leaves me 2nd guessing what she's saying, and then face to face she will say "oh I din't mean that I meant this Alex." I'm like na this isn't right, for the last 4 months something tells me this womans's a Covert female Narcissist and a Co-depenedent all in one. And she knows as a trained Counciler myself I know all about Narcissism and Co-dependency. She doesn't like that either i suspect, feel like I've been going mad the last 4 months, my head is fried, though i do laugh at myself and her crazy head. Shen just say's "oh it's just mke I'm Female u know what we are like." I said to her "bollocks I've never met a woman like that before apart from my first wife." and she does remind me of my first wife though I aint taking her head off and putting my first wife's head on her shoulders mind, I aint doing that, i know how that works. She calls me "manipulative and controlling to." Which i know I aint, and she's just using a "transference Neurosis technique" putting the blame onto me. and she'll say things under stress and trials "I don't care about what u feel Alex I only care about what I feel at this precise moment in this stress." Which i think is female covert narcissism. In an arguement she's say things like "oh u never give anyone a chance to apologise Alex do u?" and I'll say "Rubbish sweetheart ur just shifting the blame and heat onto me by deflecting ur guilt and shifting the blame onto me also." Which she doesn't like though she wont admit it cos she knows I see straight through her crap. Anyway relationship's over now. She's blocked on every devise so she can't get hold of me, and if she does contact me in any shape or form she'll be arrested for Harrassment. What u think about what I've writen concerning this mad woman Petra and other subscrbbers i could really do wiv other's professional and experienced people's info??? God bless u all, Alex.
The Police were really hard on me too cos she'd gone in the Police Station playing the victim, this was a woman who'd I'd loved to the max and laid my life down for her and the kids the last 11 months. I hate the fact i bluffed her but I had to cos there was no other way to find out the truth bout her. The bank know where the hacked money went to but the not allowed to tell me by Legal UK law who did it. I got the cash back but it aint the point, i knew for the last 4 months that there was something not right wiv this women. Alex.
Oh yeah she was an expert at throwing pity parties to and playing the victim, and how her ex and everyone else is so bad.
Hereford. Adopted Narczilla & her mother the grand monster are/were Hereford born & bred. I grew up there & I'm currently living there now. I've lived abroad & in several other places in the UK for almost 20 years in between. I have never experienced the level or number of extremely toxic people anywhere else. Just last week I had good reason to comment out of sheer exasperation that it must be something genetic around here! & that I'm grateful my birth family, who I met & know, have absolutely no connection to the place.
I can barely hear your voice even with my volume controls turned all the way up.
Yes, I apologize. The last couple of months I've been using a microphone. I hope the audio is better now.