Meeting Brad Pitt | Tom Segura: Sledgehammer | Netflix is a Joke
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- čas přidán 5. 07. 2023
- Tom Segura met Brad Pitt in Los Angeles and you bet your ass he gave him a little kiss.
TOM SEGURA: SLEDGEHAMMER is streaming now only on Netflix
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If Brad doesn't sue him, I will assume it's real.
even the kissing part
The opening sequence to the special has a picture of the 2 of them
Not brad. Theo von should Sue him cuz he stole this joke from Theo.
Why would you even think he would sue him?
@@mechanicalengineeringtutorialsno, he didn’t steal this joke as it’s a totally different joke. People just hear a subject & wrongly assume. Theo’s joke is about how doors just open for Brad Pitt and other stuff, literally Theo never ever mentioned Brad coming backstage and asking for a kiss, so you’re desperately reaching you are.
In fact here’s the transcript of Theo’s entire Brad joke & the word kiss isn’t even used once. It’s actually a fun read just to relive his bit on it “I’ll get the door cos Brad’s done a lot for me” is just bloody brilliant & never gets old🤣
The second time I was gay
was when I met Brad Pitt.
'Cause I met Brad Pitt, dude.
I did. I met Brad Pitt.
The real one,
the only one God ever made.
Met his ass, okay?
This is what happened.
Listen up, haters.
So it's a beautiful day out.
'Cause Brad only lives on beautiful days.
And I'm walking. I'm going to
an audition on the Fox lot in Los Angeles.
Probably for a big movie like League
of their Own II or something heavy.
The sun is hitting me while I walk.
The rays are just coming down
and just touching me on my neck and hair.
Like the Lord just petting me,
letting me know I'm still his boy.
In the distance I see a man, right?
I say a man, but I'm talking about
the most beautiful woman
you've ever seen wrapped up in a man.
He didn't even look human.
He looked like...
Poseidon had been raising a secret
little baby boy down in the ocean.
And when that boy was full grown,
he set him on the land
and said, "Go, boy.
You live out there now."
Immediately, I was gay. Okay?
Like-- Poof-- Gay.
So, I'm walking and he's walking,
we're both going to the same building.
It's a true story.
I don't even know
if Brad Pitt even walks anymore,
or if there's an agreement now
between gravity and Mother Nature
and the grace of God,
where they just amicably move
little Bradley wherever he needs to go.
Like, God has a chessboard with one piece
and it's Brad-fucking-Pitt.
Checkmate life, right?
So, I'm walking, he's gliding.
We're both going to the same building,
I'm looking at him,
and I'm thinking to myself,
"Man, that looks like Brad Pitt."
And then my brain goes,
"'Cause that is Brad Pitt, playboy."
Part of my brain is black and gets
a little 'hood with the rest of my brain.
I don't know what to do now,
'cause they don't teach you what to do
when you're about to meet Brad Pitt.
They teach us other things.
If you're on fire, little buddy,
stop, drop and roll.
If you're going to argue with a short man,
don't argue with him in a prone position.
Argue with him like this
and be ready for his little actions.
But they don't teach you
how to meet Brad-frikking-Pitt
in Brad-frikking-person, right?
So I'm walking, he's gliding.
We're going to the same building,
me and the only Brad Pitt God ever made.
Brad Pitt.
And he was wearing--
He was wearing everything.
He had on, like, a tuxedo.
And he was on a horseback.
And he had on furs,
but, like, exotic furs.
Animals we've never even seen,
like, Chimpanebras and alapacakeets.
And he had Lorax
coming off his shoulders,
and he had Care Bear cuff
on his boot-tops and wrists.
And... he had no shirt on.
So he's coming from that way,
I'm coming this way.
Double doors on the building.
We get to the front of this building
at the same moment,
and I'm thinking to myself,
"I'll get the door,
'cause Brad's done a lot for me."
So I grab the door on the left
and I pull it.
You know how some asshole
always locks the door on the left?
That asshole works here. Okay?
So, I pull it and it's locked.
Usually, you would just
open the other door,
but for some reason,
I just keep pulling on this locked door
like it's gonna start up
and I'm-a mow the yard with it, right?
And Brad Pitt is standing right here.
The only one that God has.
And you can feel him
when he's standing somewhere
'cause he's got this invisible energy
comin' off him,
'cause he's made out of
vagina and diamonds.
So, I'm pulling on this door and he goes,
"You got it, man?"
'Cause that's what Brad Pitt say
when shit ain't going well.
So I look back at him like this.
If you ever looked right at him up close,
it's like staring directly into the sun,
but with a little bit
of Brad Pitt in there.
I look back at him like this
and I say, "I got it, man."
That's what my brain said.
My mouth goes...
[stuttering]
Right to his face!
[stuttering]
Like an Asian that won't start.
[stuttering]
Thankfully he speaks [stuttering],
'cause he's been around social roaches
like your boy.
I gotta open door number two,
but I don't want this interaction to end.
We might hug, we might fuck a little.
This is Hollywood, son.
This is my chance
with Brad-frikkin'-Pitt, you animals.
So, door number two, okay?
Naturally,
I could just open that door,
walk in this building,
let this man live his life.
Or I could open the door for him,
let him walk by and just live my own life.
But this is what I did.
I open the door.
As it swings open,
I jump across and put my back
against the open door.
Like, a way that people
don't open doors.
He looks at me like,
"That ain't how people open doors."
And I said, "I got it, man.
I used to work at a door store."
I'm not joking man,
I door-stored him.
Right to his face, dude.
Right to his Brad Pitt face.
And... and he goes...
"Ha-ha."
That's what he said.
"Ha-ha."
And I don't know
if you ever heard him laugh in person,
but I mean, it's beautiful.
You don't even hear it at first.
You just feel the laughter on your skin.
When you finally hear his laugh,
I mean, it just...
it sounds like a million babies
eating cookies at the same time.
Right when I heard his laugh,
crop circles formed in my hair.
And memories of making love
to a hundred women I never even met
starting living in my heart.
Mi corazn.
So I'm just standing there
against this door, right?
People are going in and out. I'm just
reduced to a concierge by this man.
This lady comes runnin' up,
this straight-up street beast,
and she's like,
"Did Brad Pitt just go in there?"
I was like, "No, ma'am.
He went thattaway," you know?
'Cause I ain't telling this bitch
where I keep him.
Thank you. Thank you.
"Come oon"
"Shut up 🫣"
Tom turned into a telescope
Hot sauce is the best
I want to know how brad pitt reacted to that joke😂.
Guarantee he loved it
Bert’s gonna b jealous, 1st Jenifer now Brad!
This one was good. Definitely wasn't one of his best specials, but there were some gems.
I thought it was one of his best. I might think that though because I understand all of the inside jokes and references and I got incredible joy out of him talking about details of his injuries. His out-of-control ego and overconfidence thinking how much better he is than Bart will forever make me laugh. So overconfident he went to hard trying to make up for losing embarrassingly in tennis and he hurt himself. 😂
@@TorrentFiend10 i listen to all his podcasts as well. I am such a fan that I was expecting more given how great his other specials were.
@@charlesjoseph730 I only listen to 2 Bears 1 Cave. No way I would watch all of the YMH podcasts. Honestly who has that much free time? I mostly watch because Brett is a hilarious mess and those 2 always make me laugh. Can't stand Christina....she's so awful and a bad condescending attitude, not aware of her own stupidity and arrogance.
Always liked Toms comedy though since his first stand up special like 10 to 15 years ago. 2 Bears is great fun and it's great to watch his friendship on display with Bart.
@charlesjoseph730 You're not alone. The entire end of Sledgehammer gave me those deep stomach laughs though, the whole time talking about edibles. But yeah the rest of it was kinda just okay, I feel like this special was significantly less disgusting and condescending as the last ones. I love Tom's obsession with abusing the audience emotionally, and there was a lot less of that this time around.
As a “Mommy” my jeans were on for this special and I really enjoyed it! Watched it 3 times already😂
I was wondering why I thought it was bad. This comment explains it.
@@cod-the-creator Your comment makes 0 sense
@@dezirar Maybe put on your thinking jeans and you'll figure it out.
@@Matt-cv6on I’m a YMH fan. You are not. Get over it.
Toms hilarious man
I haven't seen it yet but I loooove when he talks about his kids. As a parent myself, it's so relatable. 😂❤
You want a glass of water?
He talks a lot about his kids and it’s the best part of the special 😂😂😂
When you watch the special I really hope you change your mind.
@@patientzero5685😂
Are your kids garbage too?
Dude I thought Tom was gonna spit Theo's joke. My heart almost skipped a beat.
It’s exactly like it
He ripped off Jimmy Pardo later on.
"ripped" he met the guy
Brad coulda got a lease and a key from Tom.
Try it out man
Funniest special yet, especially the stories about his family 😂
Is this the only special you've seen? 😆 there's some amazing bits, but it's def not his best
@@drewcarter3100 seen em all, agree to disagree, but i love all of them even ball hog
Tom be like: "Brad...I'm home here now."
Try it out
We talked about sports 😮😅😂
Brad Pitt is a demigod, no one is safe from his charm. "I look like mother."
Theo did a joke like that lol
Remixed Theo von's joke 😂😂😂like a sample. It's okay I do it all the time
Theo did it better… “only one gods ever made”
Charles Barkley about Tom Brady is funnier than both stories put together
😂😂😂
Hes so damn funny
Wow they really confident and open about their own self Japanese people. We should be more like Tom. 😊😘 Next time I see my homies we're talking sports in a bath for sure.
Why Japenese people? I've seen a few comments on Tom's stuff about Japanese peeps and I don't get it 😅 he's certainly not Japanese lol so was just wondering 😊
Man, funniest japanese guy I know...
Segurrrrrra
We don't get many funny Japanese people here, thats cool.
😂
Good point, totally agree.
He just 1 cowboy hat away from his idol Bougie Brooks.
Interesting.
Didn't Jamie Foxx do this joke years ago about Prince? .
Came here to see if i was the only one who thought that. Jamie foxxs bit was wayyy better
👖👖👖
Brad is such a good sport...I know him, I know what I'm talking about...though he doesn't really know me...he doesn't know who the hell I am.🤭
What's with all the negative comments? This was hilarious!
This special isn't much different than a 90s sitcom. Loaded with completely unnecessary laugh tracks. I think the general public has a disdain for anything with a laugh track. People do not need to be told when to laugh or be encouraged to.
thank you. moving on
How dare people have an opinion
Laugh track?
@@CoolPandaTheMovieNerd Laugh track is fake recorded laughter. You can hear it the entire special
the funniest out there. tops Chappelle for me
Now somehow I am jealous of bort 'up the downhill' crooshler is friends with Tom Segura... Yet he doesn't deserve to be among comedians like this man does
Now this is funny.
This is funny. He is testing the waters on this special. His comedy is really raw, pure and unique. If you are a fan and listen to podcast you will understand. This one is for us the real fans.
Unique😂
Ok, Tom.
Who’s the female version of Brad Pitt?
Charlize Theron or someone like that perhaps?
Scarlett Johansen could be on that list too. Any AAA hot actress
Probably Margot robbie
Aubrey Plaza
@@RickFleischman🤣
The question does remain how many children does Brad Pitt eat a weak I mean we've all heard the rumors
Purdy gay
Theo Von has a veeeery similar joke about Brad Pitt. Better by the way
Tom Segura spent the first half of his career constantly ripping off Louis CK. And now he’s stealing from Theo Von.
And of course still ripping off Louie.
Pitt Stop
I feel like I’m watching Louis CK 2.0
Hes an alien.. dana white infected joe, joe got tom... next to be bald and benching 400 Bert..
Omg Brad Pitt is soooo old.
old but gold
@@treefiddytwoo I wouldn t do him
It so sounded like something brad would say…it’s a cute story for sure. I recently had a low game hottie flirt with me in line. I met him before he became part of a reality rv show. I write him in line a simple little note: rhe. He wrote me back something that bordered in flirting/ hitting me. Rather than okay along. I wrote, “do not flirt with me or encourage me. You are HOT and a single word more and I will be SPUN. You don’t want that believe me. I don’t know that I would handle that . I’d be a mess- dint want to okay thst game not even for a minute. Stoooop. Which is too bad cause ah- rhar biy- that man- soo cute. As cute as Pitt. But Pitt has more star power for sure. It’s hard to believe he can’t seem to keep a wife. Hmm
Tom has gotten quite ‘confident’ as his fame and wealth have increased. Bring back the old (younger) Tommy.
This wasn’t funny or new
I'm not saying Todd stole this bit from Jamie Foxx talking about when he met Prince, but the basic premise of being shy and bashful around another man like you may be around a girl was totally something that Todd stole from Jamie Foxx.
Or as Rogan might call it....."parallel thinking."
Who is Todd
Seriously love this guy. Ymh for life! Pros to dethrothing The Witcher.. Good riddance!!!
I was disappointed in this special. I love him and hope that he comes back with something wayyy funnier or at least thought provoking.
Same. It was very mediocre. Loved the other shows.
I haven't seen it but the clips are really cracking me up 😂
Each to their own I guess 😊
@@Rosskles this was probably the funniest part of the show.
What? It was great. Thought provoking? Who the hell wants that in comedy? Go read a book if you want thought provoking smh
This shit was hilarious lmao wtf are you talking about. And thought provoking? Do you even know his style of comedy lol dude isn't aiming to be Nostradamus 😅😅😅😅
Laughed a few times in 61 minutes. Too rich and too out of touch
When did he talk about money? And what is out of touch? It's all stories about his life
@@benische show me where I touched you
@benische no he is saying Tom is too rich in life to be funny because his life is too posh now and can't relate with people
@@BedroomBeethovens how does any of that come across in the special? What is he saying that doesn't relate?
Agreed - this is total shit. Won’t be remembered for stand up.
The need for a Laugh Track says it all. 😴😴😴
How lame is your sense of humor lmao
I heard all these jokes on his podcast over the last 18 months.
I thought for a moment that I saw him on tour and forgot about it, that's why it was so familiar to me.
No, he's just churning out the Podcast jokes in his Standup Specials now.
Cool
I don't listen to the podcast, I loved the special
Well he's sure regressed