Are You Friends With Your Exes?
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- čas přidán 29. 08. 2024
- I realize I am also likely very lucky that there wasn’t at least one really bad breakup, but I don’t know, maybe I’m weird. I just never left a relationship and all of a sudden thought they were a horrible person that I never want to talk to ever again (without the reasons I mentioned in the video obviously).
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Having appreciation and even friendship with the people you've dated is *definitely* a green flag for me!
If you wanna have your SO being in excellent terms with someone they had a lot of intimacy, go ahead bro.
Not me though, id rather not get cheated on.
@@fistofram5526the real problem is you're dating someone you don't trust not to cheat on you
@@fistofram5526 You that insecure about your ability to keep your partner's interest? Because seems like a weak relationship from the start if that's all it takes. People break up for a reason, just like he said that they dated for a reason.
@@fistofram5526 I am friends with all my exes but one: the guy who thought “let’s just be friends” meant “you can still win me back”. Once I break up, I *stay* broken up.
@@atlander4204 You really believe these men genuinely want your friendship and that's it?
Huh...
old, doesn't mean wise.
So true...so so true. As a woman, the biggest red flag is a guy who has nothing good to say about his exes and just complains about all the awful things they did....I have learned that whatever they are accusing their ex of doing....is what THEY END UP DOING TO ME! Last one taught me that ... I think I have learned my lesson.
I think it depends for me. If they have something bad to say about every person that's a red flag because they are the common denominator. If it's a specific ex who hurt, or cheated or abused them then I understand. I actually dated someone who genuinely had all abusive exes because he was abused as a child so he gravitated towards abusive people which he figured out in therapy. I guess it really depends on the person
@@lexyruse603I totally agree. Abuser and toxic people have a Type, and those are broken people Who we're already abused. Its less Work to make Them do what they want. the Guy i currently Date is the Same. 5 ex Girlfriends. From bodyshaming, over cheating to an unmedicated/Not in therapy bi poler Woman Who absolutely Put him through hell.
The one ex I'm not still friends with was like that.
While this can be true, a lot of broken people seem to magically attract narcissists and don't even realize it at first. So if such a person does therapy, why would they be a bad partner?
Being friends or on good terms with an ex wouldn't instantly send up red flags for me. Now if they were friends but they hid it, messaging or seeing regularly but not telling me or lying about who they are messaging/spending tine with, or kept avoiding all of us getting together, that would make me want to talk about why.
Exactly!
Precisely. The problem isn’t that they are friends with their ex, but that they are hiding their interactions from their current partner.
Agreed. It also depends on the context of the relationship and the break up. If it was a short lived relationship then I’d be more inclined to be fine with my SO being friends with their ex. If it’s a longer one then I would need some details
Yes, this.
Hiding it is what would make me concerned. Be friends. Hell, if they want to go out to dinner occasionally, do it. Just don't give me a reason to not trust them.
sure, but them being a ex is irrelevant though surely? if they were secretly spending time and hiding communications with someone they hadn't dated, that still isn't ok, them being an ex isn't the issue, unless them being an ex is why they have to hide it,, in which thats a you issue, Either you trust the person you're with or you don't, if their history with someone changes how much you trust them, then you just don't trust them,
I don't think it's a red flag at all to realize a relationship isn't going to work out before it becomes antagonistic. I'm friends with many of my exes, and they're friends with many of their exes. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to me to have a platonic relationship now with someone that I once had a deeper bond with. Building that bond meant something even if they ended up not being right for me.
Beautifully put. I agree. I love my ex boyfriends as people. I am not in love with them.
The personality traits that attracted me to them in the first place didn't disappear.
Exactly! My ex and I are good friends and sometimes, I forget just how much he knows about me 😂😂😂 he's awesome 💙
100% Break it off when you know it's heading to destruction not when it's already exploded. You lose valuable time with friends and family (and yourself!) when you pursue relationships, why would you invest that much into another person who you don't even want to talk to if it doesn't work out? And to that point, why are you dating them in that case?
My ex-husband and I are still friends, we live nearby to each other and share a grown son who we're both extremely proud of. He has a wonderful woman by his side and they're beautiful together.
Sounds like you guys all get along well which is the best!
Im in a similar boat, just from a different position! My parent divorced but still are close friends, divorcing actually made them get along better haha. It's always nice to hear when exes still get along :)
If a future partner ever got jealous of you two, it's not because they actually think you will cheat, it's that they are afraid they don't have that strong connection with you like you have with your ex-husband. Simple insecurity.
I agree about being on friendly terms with ex’s, I’m not sure about being close friends. If an ex was horrible or abusive I’d keep that to myself. Regarding my ex husband I don’t think that would really be possible but I’m open to the idea of it. Stuff I have to work out doesn’t really concern a new person in my life. It’s not for them to fix but it’s for me to deal with. Someone going on and on about how bad their ex was is not really a good strategy
I wish for my ex to find a wonderful woman. I would be so happy for him.
A few minutes ago, I just texted my ex a picture of a tortoise in my backyard. We don't hang out but we keep in touch. It's nice.
Sounds sweet 😌
If that person is in a relationship, it's inappropriate of to be sending a picture of anything. Move on
@@pbj4338 IF that person is in a relationship, perhaps their new partner is secure and trusting enought to be okay with them getting a picture of a tortoise from an old friend once in awhile.
@@pbj4338No Its Not inappropriate. The ex Partner keeps in Touch as Well. Just because they are oj friendly Terms doesnt mean they have Not moved on.
@@pbj4338yeah you have control issues
I wish nothing but the best for my ex, he was a very good person, but I am not friend with him. I never kept in touch with him either. I needed the distance and I think he did too. I received so much pressure around me about "staying friends with exes", I don't know if it's a cultural thing (I'm French) but I never wanted to. I think it's ok to wish the best for your exes from afar if you're not confortable being friends afterward.
Je suis quand même intriguée, parce que perso j'ai l'expérience inverse ! Tellement de gens me répondent "omg moi je pourrai JAMAIS" quand je dis que je suis encore amie avec mon ex, je me demande ce qui est culturel ou non. Intrigant!
Like most things in life *it depends.*
We need to stop trying to find a golden rule lol.
Thank you for saying this. I did the same with my ex. I needed the space to heal and learn to move on. It especially didn't make sense when he wanted to get back together and I knew that I couldn't. However, when I see things like this, it makes me sad because I do wish I could have had that with him. I wish I knew what was going on in his life, and we could periodically connect and catch up. I don't feel like I'm allowed, though, and I'm not sure it would be helpful. And perhaps the fact that I still want to means that I haven't fully moved on yet.
@@llynxfyremusicI feel like the only golden rule here would be "communicate openly with your current partner so the friendship or lack thereof doesn't become a problem"
I'm friends with most of my exes, but not all of them. You should do whatever you're comfortable with, rather than following set rules laid out by someone else.
Let’s not forget our guys and girls who have a bunch of bad exes because they never had healthy relationships modeled for them and didn’t know how to avoid the dangerous people, or who have found themselves mostly attracted to people who need help because they grew up feeling like their worth came from what they could give in a relationship. In those cases, you might be the common factor but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the toxic ex
THANK YOU! I get so annoyed at the idea thrown around that being friends with one's ex is such a terrible thing. Why? Because they don't think of you that way anymore? Give me a real reason. Some people just find out they're not compatible that way, doesn't mean that you should throw the whole friendship out.
A real reason?
Hmm...
Humans are emotional creatures and having someone in your relationship that still has a bond with someone they had a lot of intimacy which won't be forgotten and can be missed whilst things are bad, is a bad thing.
Who would have thought?
@@fistofram5526 That seems a pretty insecure thing to me unless they're blatantly disrespecting your relationship somehow. I feel it's pretty toxic to consider their memories and past as if it's a threat to what you both have now, trust is supposed to be a big factor in the equation. If you can't trust them when they say things are not romantic between them anymore and if you can't respect how their past made them who they are and if you can't feel comfortable with a person they have in their life that makes them happy, then telling your partner not to be around that person isn't gonna fix anything, because that ain't the issue.
@@DaniGamerWarriorYup. Lots of splendid points taken. It is a green flag if all ppl involved are mature and known to have intact ability to manage themselves under emotional distress.
If anyone of the ppl involved can't do any of it, then the reality is, that they're setting themselves up for disaster, by acting on how they WANT to be, rather than how they really currently are.
If you combine a current partner who has trauma and make no accommodations for it (like only meeting together) then you're not doing a good job as a partner. As you need to understand how trauma is no choice and it needs working on, but that can take very very very long and the patience anf accommodation in the process is necessary. In fact, if you drop the ball half-way, you'll cause more wreckage than before. And you need to account for that.
Aka: if on good terms with former partners, you can not have a new partner who's anxious about that and not getting mental health support for it. They're "out of question" for you then OR "upholding the ex relationship acquaintance" must go, if you care for a partner so much that you embrace them with trauma.
So, sure, both partners are responsible for their emotional management but trauma impairs it in a "disability" sense and partnership means to embrace a person "as is" and not "as cound be". And doing so agakn and again even as changes occur throughout time.
That applies in particular when children are involved. You and your new partner need the maturity to handle the situation well, otherwise, your responsibility as parent, vomes before your need for a partner, till the kids have grown stable lives.
@@DaniGamerWarrior So being logical is insecure?
Whatever makes you sleep better at night in fairyland.
You can feel it's pretty toxic however you want, people are emotional and that makes them prone to making mistakes.
There's cheaters in "happy homes".
It doesn't matter how secure you believe you are in your partner.
While it is true that a person will cheat regardless if they want to, there's catalysts you can avoid adding to said development.
Saying that relationships wouldn't have been saved by having this firm boundary is nonsensical and at most... delusional.
Fistofram named one of the bad reasons: the assumption that people are eager to rekindle old flames, that you need to be jealous of your partner's exes. (I think this is related to the idea that men and women can't be friends)
People also have toxic interpretations (if the advice itself isn't toxic) of the Biblical proscription against divorce-that so long as neither partner has sex with someone else, you have to stay with them even if sharing a room with them for fifteen minutes sounds more unpleasant than having a root canal without anesthetic. When they have the idea that you have to keep a relationship on life support until it collapses under the weight of resentment, you being friends with an ex is confusing and probably suspicious.
But yeah all this is weird social political religious baggage and does nothing to suggest people who like each other enough to try dating can't conclude they're romantically incompatible without those positive feelings being overshadowed by bitterness.
Of my two exes, one was from a relationship where I was extremely toxic and shitty (probably? my friends tell me that they were also terrible. In any event, I'm better now), and the other was emotionally abusive to me. I don't have an issue with continuing to be a friend with my exes in principle, but one ex is better off without me and the other I'm better off without.
Good of you to recognize that. Not everything works out but realizing that and making the best decision for both people is still being adult about it.
A good friend of mine told me, “I love you and I love him but I hated you together.”
It took about 10 years and 2 states apart, but we’re very friendly now. If we’re both back home and someone invites us to the same thing, we’ll have a good time. We’re also still awesome on the same team for Pictionary or the like 😂
Careful with this one, Chesko... I'm worried this take is going to hurt some of our most vulnerable.
If you've been abused in the past (especially in your formative years), you are significantly more likely to end up in abusive romantic relationships. It's not having "just the worst luck in the world," it's that abusers can sense when someone is exploitable, and latch onto them. And on the other side, tragically, brains prefer the familiar to the good, so victims will be subconsciously drawn to these people that remind them of the shitty, abusive people they grew up with.
It takes a lot of active effort and healing to even realize someone was abusive, let alone get angry about it. It also requires a lot of second-guessing yourself, since your default attractions can't be trusted. I know you're talking about people who don't have good reasons like abuse to think their exes are horrible, but I want to point out two things:
1. It's going to be very common that those who _have_ been abused but have started healing have very good reasons to hate most/all of their exes, and
2. The people you _are_ talking to who think their exes are terrible because they lack self-awareness will be self-assured enough that they completely ignore you. Meanwhile, those who have been in a string of abusive relationships are going to be the ones doubting themselves and the effort they've put into healing (which often involves anger).
👏👏👏
Thank you for saying this
I wholeheartedly agree that this nuance dearly needs to be expressed.
But in defense of Professor Chesko, having "been abused in the past (especially during formative years) and becoming significantly more likely to end up in abusive romantic relationships" probably falls within his general criteria for "The Worst Luck In the World." The reality that conditioning creates is indeed a living hell.
he and you people only have this empathy if a woman is saying this. if a man said this, according to this pick me guy, he's awful.
I never understood that trope of having to demonize every ex so that you could justify why your relationship didn't work out. I didn't go on my first date until I was 33. Thirty-freakin'-three, y'all. I knew from day one that my boyfriend came with baggage. He had a whole fifteen year relationship before me and even had a kid. I'm not going to deny him co-parenting with the mother of his son! He certainly isn't friends with her, but I will always support them having a healthy relationship as it pertains to them being the best possible parents for their kid. I made it clear to him that I respect her, and if he and I didn't work out for some reason, he can bet on that same respect from me, too. There's a reason I fell in love with this guy, and I don't ever want to forget that.
Two of my former boyfriends were at my wedding. One came and shot video AND film. The other was my mom's "date". My now ex-husband was not threatened in the least by their presence. In fact, he genuinely liked both men. As life went on, I was thrilled for each of them finding their wives. I adore them both even now, decades later. And oddly enough, my ex-husband and I are on good terms. His wife is someone I think is absolutely lovely. She's also the right person for him.
While there are plenty of guys I dated who weren't capable of friendship after we broke up and I'm okay with that. Just like I'm okay with not being friends with everyone I once called friends. People grow and change and they can grow apart for many reasons. That's perfectly fine.
My ex husband came to my wedding too. He got professional photos of him and the kids, our 7yo son in his suit with a calf length jacket just like the groom and 5yo daughter in her white flower girl dress with her fluffy pink shoulder shrug, taken by our photographer. He was happy for us. It should be a green flag that you are capable of being friendly with people in your life you aren’t sleeping with anymore, not a red flag that you didn’t cut them off the moment you stopped bumping uglies. It shows maturity to be happy for previous partners to have found the people they were meant to be with. Hope you find your happiness too!
I'm friends or at least friendly with every woman I've ever dated. They're just cool people and things ended because of circumstance or having different goals, so we'll still catch up from time to time. One of them is going to the same music festival that my girlfriend and I are going to so we're gonna try to run into each other and catch up. They're just people.
Honestly healthy. It obviously depends on WHY they are your ex--but just someone being your ex and being your friend doesn't mean instant red flags.
I actually don’t think the last point is that simple. Good people attract bad people because a lot of good people see the good in everyone and excuse or overlook bad behavior. A good person might go through several toxic, narcissistic relationships and the sad thing is that those relationships tarnish their relationships going forward, which might have otherwise been healthy. The good person becomes less trusting. Less honest. Less communicative. They are harmed on a deep level from toxic relationships that in turn sometimes makes them the toxic one in their future relationships.
Exes don't have to be awful people for you to not want to be friends with them. You can have compatibility issues that mean you wouldn't be good friends either. A couple of my exes actually were terrible people. The rest turns out we had nothing in common or our values were too different so there was really no interest in staying friends.
When a person is brought up in an abusive or a toxic household growing up, it makes them more likely to subconsciously look for those traits in their partners, because it is what they are familiar with...
Well it's nice to know that your exes aren't just somebody that you used to know. (yes like the Gotye song)
Gotye song gives me impression that it's a song about two people, who weren't ready for a serious relationship and shouldn't have it at a first place. If it was the song about perfectly fine breaking up without drama, then it would be much less popular
I think it really depends on the context why you do or don’t want to see people. I really never want to see either of my exes again: one of them I have a positive opinion of and I couldn’t get over and the other broke up with me in a very mean and cowardly way. I am someone who doesn’t like to run into people from my past, it makes me feel uncomfortable and triggers a lot of intense emotions.
But imo not wanting to be around your exes is not the red flag of thinking every ex is a psycho. Either you are the terrible person, or you’ve been abused in the past and are returning to what feels familiar to you.
I'm still friends with my ex. We were close friends before, we promised we'd stay friends no matter what, and that is what happened when it didn't work out a year later. I'm friends with their new partner too.
I'm friends with a number of my exes or can at least talk with them on social media. There are only a few I avoid. Many of them got married to very suitable partners and I'm very happy for them. I dated some good guys and it's nice to see them happy now.
I was probably more toxic than they were due to my ADHD issues and some family drama when I was younger.. so I'm glad they were able to look past that and still be friends with me later.
Sometimes you date the people you think you deserve, not because you like them as people.
You do such stuff??? Interesting. Maybe, since you've seem go have noticed a problem, it's advisable to deep-dive into the core of why you do this and how to attend to yourself better in future.
@@KxNOxUTA Ya think? It's called trauma.
Yes, I am friends with my exes. Of course I am! Talking smack about your exes is definitely a red flag in my book! “The common factor isn’t them” - EXACTLY!
Agreed. A huge red flag is thinking that you have to be mean and hate on someone you used to date because "that's what you're supposed to do." I've been on the receiving end of that one and it's just ridiculous.
Being friends with an ex shows maturity. I've learned it's a red flag when he tells you that all the women he's dated are psychos.
That said, I'm not friends with any of my exes😅 there are reasons tho, I'm a terrible judge of character, lol
I have some Ex's that were good and Ex's not so great. It's ok to have relationships that didn't work out. It's not ok to stay in an abuse one or constantly obsess about them after the relationship is done. Friends are ok, obsession isn't.
💯 agree
Yes!
100% agree with you, Chesko! We liked each other as people before we dated. Just because we weren't the right fit long-term as romantic partners doesn't mean they aren't good people that I have a lot in common with. Not everyone has an amicable breakup, but plenty of can and do.
I have the exact same option, since I started dating as a teenager ( I'm your age now) . Almost all the time in conversations about that topic the others are thinking I'm the weird one. But I stand by my opinion: I dated them because I like them and that does not stop just because we do not planning our lives together anymore.
Someone can be perfect and just not be perfect for you ❤
Key word being "friend." The people who bash others for being friends with their exes probably think they're "friends" with their exes, not actually friends.
I think hook-up culture and “situationships” have ruined society tbh. People don’t believe that you can be friends with
Opposite sex
I agree with everything you said here. I'm not on great terms with everyone I've dated, but I am with some. It's a nice feeling, to be able to get along with people, regardless of whether you're having Adult Fun Time with them or not.
Absolutely NOT friends with my exs. Well one is dead now, he remarried twice after we split. First ex is blocked every way possible.
High time to revise if trauma impairs your ability to make good partner choices. As to not have more rounds of that, for your own sake. Trauma can have sich devastating effects and requires trauma recovery, often with specialised external support
Sounds like he or she already knows this. @@KxNOxUTA
Mixed feelings on that line about the “common factor isn’t them” if you’ve had terrible exes. Feels like we’re getting into victim blaming on that one. If you’ve had terrible exes it’s definitely worth reevaluating your dating choices, but let’s not ignore certain situations like abuse, low self esteem, mental health issues that may push someone to bad partners… Let’s consider that abusers like to target the vulnerable. I know you probably didn’t have abuse in mind(??), but something to consider.
Yeah, definitely sounds victim-blamey. I know he was probably talking to the incel nice guys, but if the wrong person hears what he said and internalizes it, a victim of abuse can have their fears validated; “It really is my fault that I keep ending up with these guys. I deserve it.” 😢
I hope my exes are happy. My breakups were terrible and we don't talk to each other but i have no issue with them being happy.
i'm not the main character.
I had a lot of wonderful exes in the past. We only split up because our goals changed or we had different beliefs (which can influence the former), but they were amazing and I wish them the best.
I completely avoid people who pick nothing but terrible partners or constantly talk bad about their exes.
The fact that your breakups were amicable enough that you feel perfectly fine staying in touch with your exes is remarkable and wonderful. I hate this idea that you SHOULDN'T still be friends with your exes, and think it's more of a red flag to be jealous of people who do.
Yep!! I’ve been saying this for years! If someone comes into my life and I find them special, I will always have fond memories and good things to share about that person. They meant something to me then, they will always mean something to me.
I love all of my exes. I wish them all the happiness life can bring them.
We only broke up because we didn't have the same life goals and our lifestyles didn't suit long-term.
I'm still somewhat close with my one ex. And I would be so happy to find him in a happy loving relationship, if only he'd pick someone who could treat him well.
I don't stay friends with mine, but yeah they were for the most part good people, it just didn't work out and I hope they find or are with the person they deserve to be with.
Facts. Bro speaks the truth. People who think otherwise are either immature or insecure. Which is where the real red flags lie. 💯👍
Agree with you 100%, there is only one ex who I hope I never see or speak to again, all my other exes are amazing. I'm friends with my exes too, because they are awesome people who encourage me & remind me that I'm awesome too! ❤
It's only a red flag if they call you and you drop everything to help them. But otherwise, no.
Agreed. If you're still prioritizing them like you're together huge flag
Meh, I wouldn't care if my partner did that. Why should I?
I'd do that for all my friends.
Why is that bad?
It depends on the situation, though? I don't currently live near any of my exes, but if I did and they had a real emergency there are a couple of guys I'd drop everything for
I think that would depend on context.
When I was young I thought I could be friends with exes, but I quickly found out that even the nice ones would violate boundaries, and otherwise put strenuous demands on my time and my attention. Nowadays even if I think we'll of an ex, I typically go no-contact out of habit.
I agree. One of the sweetest guys I ever dated was still friends with his ex. My mom thought it was weird, but after their breakup they remained friends. They had had kids and made sure the kids knew both of them on good terms. His ex welcomed me like a sister. And I can see why they managed a loving family even after the relationship feel apart. He eventually found love with someone else, and I was just as happy for him as I know his ex was. Ido get how it can seem odd though.
Not everyone is that cool, that nice, that good of a person. I've known some nightmares too.
'The common factor isn't them'😅
Smooth! And...Every single one? Still in contact. That is a hell of a balance. I wish I would have managed that, but I always get in that narcissist trap. Since I learned that, I hadn't had a single date.🙈 But that's mainly because pandemic hit, I worked myself half to death because of it...I then caught the virus and have been sick ever since 😑 It's been 23months. But who's counting
Lisa! 23 months of illness from the virus? How devastating! 😪😪😪😭😭😭
These people mix up having a toxic relationship versus normal relationship. Toxic people need to control and they will damage non-toxic people into believing all relationships have to be toxic. Recovery is possible, but you have to realize you got suckered into toxic and often repeat it with another toxic person. Then you have to have friends that understand and can help you out. Sometimes you'll need professional help if there was a lot of physical and/or mental abuse.
I am super glad you had the opportunity to date wonderful people who weren't right for you. My previous exes were abusive. Two of them cheated on me, and one stole things from me and ghosted. My last ex stole my cat, didn't take care of him properly, and he died less than a year later. She was also in a new relationship within a week, so I suspect I was cheated on there as well.
I put up with terrible people because I didn't understand my own worth. Thankfully I am with an amazing person and we are perfect compliments for each other, but if I never had to see my exes again, it would be too soon. Please don't judge everyone who doesn't talk to their exes as if we're the problem.
I definitely have positive relationships with most people I have dated. Even the one that ended dramatically, I still run into his mom and sister occasionally and we chat and get along great. That's the nice thing about when you date nice people where it just didn't work out. They're still nice people.
Finally someone who thinks the same. I think new partners not liking you being friends with an ex stems from insecurities. I can also be friends with friends' partners without having an ulterior motive, which apparently is frowned upon by some people as well.
Also friends with/on good terms with all my ex's. Even - maybe even particularly - my ex wife. There weren't terrible things. We just didn't work out. We split up whenever things where clearly not working, so it's pretty easy to maintain a friendship.
I dated them (and married one) because I loved spending time with them, and then with me. That never changed. I never dated terrible people, because *why would you do that*? I'd always get to know people platonically before dating them, as the choice to date someone requires (IMHO) actually knowing *them*. Obviously, then, no online dating and such.
On the note of having a lot of bad exes, it is worth mentioning that abusive narcissists are often very good at sniffing out a victim. So if someone doesnt have the tools to spot someone malignant while they have the nice mask on (possibly due to abuse in childhood) than they can end up with a lot of bad exes without being the problem or even necessarily being unlucky, (atleast in the, i rolled bad on the dice several times in a row sense). So, as usual its not wise to judge somebody based on one fact about them without attempting to gain more context. Only having bad exes is a red flag, but certainly not a red light.
THIIIS!! THIS! SO MANY TIMES THIIIISSS!!!
UGH I always felt like something was wrong with me not seeing an issue being "friends" with your ex or not completely hating them, after seeing what everyone has to say about it on social media.
Like this feeling as if I was secretly the villain for not seeing this as an issue.
I'll admit, when I was YOUNGER, meaning INSECURE and IMMATURE, I was super uncomfortable and upset if any of my boyfriends were still in contact with their ex's.
But then I dated a great guy, and exactly what you said, it just didn't work out and there wasn't that important connection.
Does that mean I just had to test him like the plague?
Completely act like he didn't exist after witnessing everything we went through, both as individuals and as a couple? Tbh I think it's pretty scummy to just abandon/cut someone off and treat them like they're nothing and no one, just bc y'all don't date anymore
Don't get me wrong, I have varying relationships with all my exes.
Some exs from highschool I don't talk to anymore, simply bc we lost touch in highschool and never reconnected after going our separate way (I mean i think that goes for ANYONE you went to HS with, not just your ex's). Any "emotion" to them is just "neutral". Don't have anything too bad or too good to say about them. A faded memory.
I have an ex I hate (I rarely hate anyone) bc of how horrible they were to me and they're just not a good person in general.
I have an ex that still causes a negative emotional reaction to and a back and forth struggle dealing with to this day. One that I know if I saw "said ex", it would cause an emotional reaction and conflict inside of me, for sure. Both, because of them as a person, and what our relationship was, and all the after effects of the whole thing.
That's the most recent ex.
I struggle with saying anything bad about him, and struggle accepting I wasn't treated right at times and struggle with the pain of certain issues.
Bc of that, my slow healing is one of the reasons why I avoid dating rn bc I KNOW I'm not ready, and I don't want to bring that baggage into a new relationship and burden someone else with.
And the second last ex is the one that's just a total stand up guy. Heck, I was the a**h***, if anything. But we were still willing to be friends bc we just knew we were better off that way instead of dating. We both thought highly of each other, just the romantic connection wasn't there.
The only reason we don't speak to this day is bc his new girl, (now his wife!) wasn't comfortable with it and I TOTALLY understood and didn't want to risk my presence in his life ruining a bright and happy future with someone else. We had a great and sad last conversation, explaining what needed to be done. It was one of respect and one where we clarified that their no hostility, bitterness, judgment. And that we were still always gonna be allies if it ever came to it, but we just wouldn't be in contact with each other.
I was bummed I lost a friend but so happy and proud of him for where he was going in life. And I couldn't have been happier to let him go so he could achieve that.
If you hate all your exes or are unable to stay in contact with them without issues, you're definitely the problem. And not in a judgey/"you're the worst" kind of way... But in a way to point out that you should probably seek some professional help. To better yourself, to grow and mature and feel confident.
I not only remained friends with my ex, but got along very well with his first ex, whom he also remained friends with. Life is too short to hold grudges. Yeah, you couldn't live with them anymore. Ok don't, and move on. The love you give away is the only love you keep.
I was lucky to have some lovely men in my life. Not all, but there weren’t many to begin with.
Haram, if it even over 5 u still might be fked cuz that's when most women's ability to pair bond gets fked innit, to stick to a partner long term, aswell as social media and instagram gassing inflated egos and that coupled with narcissism, these generations r fked, that's why women nowadays can't retain a guy long term and it's predicted alot less women will be married so watch for alot of industries profiting from this cuz ima invest in pet food😂.
I think there is a balance, there’s plenty of exes I would never want to see ever again because of the abuse and harm they put me through. There’s a few I’m not friends with but I’d be happy to chat to if they reached out or if I saw in person but we just don’t continue to have a reason to still be friends and I wish those people well. I’ve seen though that one of my exes only talked about his exes negatively and how they did everything wrong, but not only his exes, his friends, his family, everyone was at fault and not him, and then I realised why he was single in the first place. So I do see it as a red flag if someone only places blame on others, it shows they can’t recognise their part in a relationship or admit that sometimes people just aren’t right for each other, because obviously they’re perfect and everyone else is the problem.
I'm only friends with one of my exes. He was a good friend before we dated, and we became best friends through our relationship. We just grew apart as a couple, and now he's just my best friend. I'm not interested in dating, and I'm 100% behind him when he finds new people. I still love him, and he still loves me, just a different kind of love.
I lived next door to my ex husband for years after we split, then we moved into a larger house together with my kids and my new husband for years. We are still close. My ex is family. My husband's family has also had to integrate my ex when we have had events with them. It's not just possible to stay friends, it should be the default, unless you are a bitter, hateful, toxic person. I've stayed friends with every ex that was not abusive or toxic because I liked them as people, I still do.
My ex husband and I are way better as friends than together.
Many guys I dated, were great people… just not for me. If I saw any of them tomorrow, we’d probably hug and chat for a while.
If the relationship ended amicably because you just didn't work out, it just seems totally normal to stay friends. Sure, some people I've dated I don't really keep up with on a regular basis, usually because of distance, but with others I go to the movies and catch up every once in a while. People are too insecure and possessive about their partners and if there are trust issues, they feel threatened by an old flame. But if your partner and their ex are friends openly (not behind your back) it's totally healthy and understandable to me.
It's been five years since me and my ex broke up and we're still good friends! We're much better friends than we are a couple, and he's awesome! I do wish he finds someone that he loves and all I want is for him to be happy 💙💙💙
I'm only on good terms with one of my exes, but I've never understood why people think it's a red flag to be friends with your exes. You should date people that you like as people and if you do that, you're bound to still want to be friends with some of them
It's a sad sign to disrespect your dating choices by putting down your exes. You dated them for a reason, and it helped you grow as a person. Hopefully your relationships are healthy, and it's ok to let go when they are not. They are not something to always regret though, and your exes don't always have to be someone you hate. They were a friend during a time of your life that you shared life with, and that can be beautiful.
Never be friends with your exes. Be on good terms with them. Wish them well, but the future doesn’t need the past.
Seems like a common misconception that you must hate or at least dislike anyone you used to supposedly love.
I'm only still friends with one ex. The rest were complete and total douche canoes. One was downright dangerous. Reconnecting with them would be like trying to take on a monkey in a poop fight. It would be a circus tent of red flags to try. Sometimes when you hate all your exes, it doesn't mean you're the red flag, it just means your picker was broken and you have some personal trauma to heal.
The difference between green flag friendship with exes and red flag friendship with exes is honesty. If I have a boyfriend and he tells me “hey I’m still friends with my ex” I’ll assume it’s a green flag unless he shows other signs of cheating in which he’s probably already lost my trust which mean we’re probably already broken up, but if he doesn’t tell me and I find out later I’m breaking up with him on the spot (it’s someone he has a romantic and likely sexual history with and was keeping the existence/nature of their present relationship with.. all trust gone whether something happened so relationship ended)
I was friends with all of my exes for years. I never understood why people threw away the excellent friendship aspect of a relationship just because another part of it didn’t work. The only reason I don’t speak to some of them now is because their new partners were against our friendship. Even though I hadn’t dated some of those men in over a decade. I always find it so disappointing when women are that insecure they’re worried about an ex from over a decade ago. But what can you do. 🤷♀️
I love ALL of this! I say this all the time! I mean, not everyone i went on a date with, because you sometimes realize after a few dates that they're NOT your kind of person. But, all but 1 of my long term exes, I'm casual friends with.
I've always had so much respect for guys who don't trash their exes to me (even when they deserve it) because they are showing honor and manners, and won't be trash talking ME to future dates if we don't work out!
This is actually a thousand times better than your partner saying "they were crazy"
Two of my exes are just overall fantastic humans and I'm SO excited that they found someone that they love and got married to!
I’m only on positive footing with 3 exes but I still think that’s okay I have had bad luck and I know it was me that kept putting myself in bad places but after therapy I’ve managed to have safer relationships and ended some of them on friendly terms. My current partner is still friends with most of their exes and it makes me happy to know that they are
I'm not friends with all my exes, but my bestie is an ex. I was cruddy at relationship choices in the beginning (and occasionally in the middle), and some of mine were frankly horrible people. My bestie wasn't a great relationship but it was a fantastic friendship so we both held onto that part. I'm not still friends with everyone I was ever friends with either. 😂
I'm so glad you posted this. I remained good friends with my ex. We had been married for 16 years and have a daughter together who we successfully co-parented. Two years ago we lost him to a heart attack. My grief got brushed aside by those around me because he was my ex. Nevermind that he had been a part of my life for 40 years.
My best friend is also my ex. I didn't always like her, but I've always loved her, and I always will, and I also love her husband. She picked a good one this time
This. The fact that we dated means I liked you as a person. We have shit in common. I genuinely always thought this but people around me would say it’s weird and a red flag but unless the reason for breakup is severe, there’s no reason to feel so much animosity for people you used to like??? Logically, the reason people used always confused me.
I no longer speak to the first one, but am anywhere from friendly acquaintance to best friend with them. I'm gonna be one's groomswoman and another is going to be one of my bridesdudes. 😊
I am friendly with ex boyfriends.... Really don't run into them often, but when I do, there is no animosity or awkwardness.
However, my ex husband, avoids me.
We stayed amicable while our children were being raised. We arranged our own shared parenting and compromised for one another. Now that my kids are adults, we never communicate.
He was angry I left for a long time and never understood his part in why our marriage failed.
I got counseling, and he did not... so go figure!
I agree! If every single one of someone's ex was terrible - then probably problem was not in exes. 🤷🏻♀️
It took me some time to be friendly with my ex, but never because I held anything against her. Rather, I knew that I hurt and I was going through some things and needed space. She was and is amazing, and I’ve always been happy for her and her now husband.
Im friends with some of my exs
There is def that one ex who, when I found out he has a new partner, I thought “oh boy, that poor girl doesnt know what shes walking in to.”
Not every end in a relationship is tragedy as a result of a toxic relationship. Sometimes, you just aren't compatible, and it's okay to admit that.
THANK YOU SOMEONE GETS IT
Yep. Like can someone have shitty exes, not be friends with their exes, think their exes are awful, abusive, have no connection with them.... But when it's EVERY ex? Not likely. I've ended friendships with people because all they could talk about was how horrible all their exes were. Like talking about that more than anything else combined. One person I wasn't friends with, just was around a lot due to life circumstances, loved to shit talk his exes. It was very obviously exaggerated, but I didn't know how much till I met one of his exes- who had a permanent restraining order against him.
I'm friends with some of my exes from earlier in life, but after an ex-stalking situation I've learned to be extremely selective and careful about who I stay friends with. It's a shame, but once you've been burned like that there's no going back.
My husband's ex ended up living with us for a few weeks. They'd been overseas, and just came back to the country and needed somewhere to stay while they found longerterm accommodation. They're an awesome person, and I'm good friends with them now! My husband, shockingly, had good taste in people, and I damn well trust him to not cheat on me or even think about that, because I'm confident he loves me.
Exactly. Terrible people, have you ever considered that you are the only common factor of your failed relationships?
I'm friends or at least friendly with 75%+ of my exes. There are a couple where a rip cord was pulled pretty hard by one or the other, but never for anything like abuse or dishonesty. One of my exes was in my wedding, married my best friend, and we're all close to this very day. It's a sign of maturity that you can be friends with your exes (or at least on good terms and sociable).
I agree that someone being friends with an ex is a good thing, and that it's a serious red flag if someone can't stand anyone they've previously dated, but it also seems unrealistic that you have never once dated someone that you no longer want to be friends with. You must either have very exceptional skills in reading people, or you wait a long time to get to know someone before going on a date with them. Both of these are good things, but it's not realistic for those of us with low or average socual skills to be able to expect to never misjudge someone only to find out later that they are not a good person.
It's common for narcissists to keep people in their lives to continue to use or control them. And sometimes they don't understand how bad the relationship or breakup actually was because they're lacking in empathy. But overall being on good terms with people from your past should be a good thing. Also important to understand that some need space to heal and move on, for a while at least.
My best friend is my ex. we dated 15 years ago. He's awesome. I'm so happy he found his wife. They are the cutest together. We frequently hang out with them, me and hubby.
Im friends with every ex i had except 2, they cheated. Hope their socks always falls down and that they hit red lights all the time. But that's the worst of it. Don't really spend time thinking about those two. It's in the past after all.
it means you're mature enough to not need to find reasons to be negative about them to make yourself feel better.
One of my exes yelled at me while I was having a panic attack, and one of them flirted with a woman while I was in the same room
I usually agree with you Chesko, but not this time
One of my exes called me a cunt because I found out he was unfaithful, one didn't have the balls to tell me he fell in love with his coworker while we were living together (he ended up marrying her), and one was an alcoholic. Hmm, should I be friends with them since they have no respect for me as a person? I think not, so you're not alone!
He literally says "If there is abuse or unfaithfulness"
Thats terrible that you were treated that way and you deserve better, but I don’t think that was his point. He’s not saying you’re under any obligation to be friends with your exes, or that it reflect poorly on you if you aren’t. It just depends on the circumstances. Heck he points out that abuse is a huge exception to what he’s talking about.
What he’s referring to specifically are the types of people (mostly men) who never have anything good to say about any of their exes and always point to them as the cause of the relationship failing, often for vague superfluous reasons like “she was a crazy bitch”. Which is typically a sign that they lack accountability, self awareness, and empathy.
Again, not saying you are that type of person. Based on what you’ve said you absolutely are not. But they do exist.
I’ve remained friends with my ex-husband, who I was with for 20 years. I get along with his wife and he gets along with my husband. It’s nice because at functions involving our grown kids, we can all sit together. And we have occasional phone conversations and offer help when needed. (I’m also on friendly terms with several men I’ve dated and hear from them now and again.) My husband frequently comments that my ex-husband is a great guy. I known not everyone can have that in cases of abuse or infidelity, say, but I’m thankful we all can be cordial.
It really seems as if young adults today can't grasp and except the fact that people can be friends with people of the opposite sex without wanting to sleep with them. I have always had good friends who were boys since I was about 12. It was usually a boy that sat in front or behind me in so of my classes. Just a casual friend.
Lol, my ex and my current partner of 14 years have a full on bromance, they are both great guys! Lots of people stay friends!
I do have one ex that was a terrible person and because he started off so sweet, I was blind to his true nature. He lied and cheated on me multiple times. And he has done the same thing to other women before and after me.
That said, the next boyfriend after him ended up being my soul mate and we have been happily married for over 5 years. Being with someone so terrible allowed me to fully appreciate the love of my life and I don't take that for granted.
As an introvert, I don't keep in touch with people who I'm not obligated to keep in touch with. If you're not a close friend, family, significant other, business associate, or *current* coworker, then you're basically a fart-in-the-wind to me.
Same girl same.
I have the added bonus of the inability to remove some feelings while leaving others. It's all or nothing. So for me to see someone who was my friend for 4 years, and my boyfriend for 2 as only a friend after a break up, it wasn't happening. It took 4 years for feelings to develop beyond friendship. There is zero chance to remove any of them because they're too intertwined with the friendship prior. I was torturing myself by staying friends and I found that I needed to be kinder to myself so I cut them off and haven't talked to either of them in 15+ years.
I wish no ill will on my 2 exes. But I do not wish any good things either. They are strangers and all my positive energy is to my husband and my family. Honestly, not even all of my family gets good will vibes, time or attention. I only put in the work that's given from any of my friends/family.
I have my fair share of exes, and some of them I pitty, they're not the best people and might be pretty miserable rn sadly, and some of them are the best people I've ever met, and I really really hope they find someone with whom they'll be happy, and I know it's quite possible they will. I definitely don't feel spiteful towards any of them, never could I imagine thinking "imagine some loser is dating her/him lol lol lmao lmao L L", that's just childish.
Yep. Every ex i have is still on friendly terms. No reason to go to war because something doesn't fit. It did once, just break the intimacy but never the friendship. ❤