Scapegoats When Narcissistic Parents Ask THIS - DON'T ANSWER!
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- čas přidán 16. 05. 2021
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Never justify, explain, defend, apologize or over share with a narcissist. Never Ever!
why i didnt know this. :(
Coverts narcs LOVE when you give them the silent treatment. /s
@@jessicabecause3717silent treatment ? I’ve been doing it for yrs
Thank you
I accidentally did that and it didn't turn out good for me in fact it was a nightmare and I regret coming across some of the people I came across. They will dismantle every part of your life just because they are so insecure with them self
If you tell a narcissist what hurts you, they'll make it a point to do it.
I'm always a victim of this act.
So can you turn it around and tell them something you're fine with and even want them to do (like not be in contact with you) and say it'll really hurt you? I mean can you as in that'd actually influence their behavior?
When you intentionally tell them what hurts you anyway... I have too much hope in people.
Exactly
@@cairosilver2932 Best thing is to stop playing their game (of deception) -- they will always beat you at it. Besides, that will be turning yourself into someone (a deceiver) that you are not.
Never tell a narcissist your secrets or your weaknesses.
My narcissistic father says “you can tell me anything…”
The smear campaign against me was/is something my father put a great deal of effort into. Hours of phone calls and letter writing ; conversations and figuring out ways to trick me into confiding in him. It was like being kicked really hard in the throat
Um when you grow up with them then too late. But yeah, when we are in our 40's and figure this out then I guess we can start from there.
@rachelspeck1230 the backstabbing from someone who's supposed to love you is unreal. I'm sorry you went through that.
I came across a lot of narcissists and I know exactly what hell happens so I just avoid them as much as possible
@@rachelspeck1230 I have a similar problem with my and other relatives and strangers and just online parasitic people there is no way around it but just keep to yourself because you can't trust what they're going to do
With Narcissists-
Anything you say and do...
Can and will be used against you... Yup
You are 100% right. They spin and turn it any way possible to get us
Yes. My mother plays this
Huge Facts and they use there flying monkeys and there supply against you and try to get information out of you as well.
@Albanersofa
In some situations you HAVE to deal with them- like at work.
Little to no conversation is best.
My parents be like ... Try to say no and they will be highly offended until end of their lives and give you silent treatment for a while. They are nickpicking and start a drama over the smallest things and one wrong word can cause their rage and try to defend yourself and it just make things worse, try to ignore same and blames me for that ... Only they have right and people with different opinion are not humans for them. I have never been hugged, showed love or said any good word, because of that i am empty inside and do not know what love and probably never will. I just saving money to buy an apartament to move out and cut contact with them.
"A narcissist that goes to therapy becomes a better narcissist"..... Wow! Couldn't have said it any better.....
Instead of getting insight, get better weaponized in their abuse towards others!
I called my mom out on her narcissism and she went to a clinical psychologist to prove that she's not. I can assure you that she has become 10 times worse than she was when I called her out. It's very true that they become even better in their narcissistic tendencies. I decided to go no contact because she has became my biggest hater and goes out of her way to make my life a living hell 😢
There's only so much they can do against the truth. They're always childish nmw
Mine was educated in psychology. Talk about a better narcissist
Yes I have came across song psychiatrist that were the worst narcissist ever. Plus them having the ability to prescribe prescription pills on to people is the definition of hell
"I have yet to meet a scapegoat that doesn't have a beautiful heart." - brought tears to my eyes. Thank you
It's sooooo true!! But beware: some are so damaged that they can damage others while trying too hard to do it right.
@@Picca65 my comment suggested that I've experienced being scapegoated so I have found your negative spin on it unhelpful and insensitive, and am confused why you would reply with that. Scapegoats still have beautiful hearts and that is something to be proud of especially when most of the time it is difficult to truly feel proud of themselves.
@@leannesmith1207 i feel you!
@@nahiedlaila9601 sending you my thoughts!
Right! This part really hit me. I’m the nicest person I know and I always wondered why anyone would want to bully the most loving person.
The more you show confidence, the more they say you are coming across insecure.
That sounds like western women. I often see women reacting that way towards guys who knows what they want. For instance when guys I don't date black women or feminists or s*luts, they yell back saying, "thats because you can't handle a real woman or that's because you're insecured"
Or they call u arrogant and ungrateful haha
Asserting yourself or exercising a boundary is viewed as being cruel, it's a major offense.
Or they say "I'm worried about you" meaning they're worried that you're not giving them the supply they want.
And the more your inner peace helps you become non reactive, and start to handle them like a calm but firm parent of a tantruming toddler, the more they tell you you take everything way too personally, and you just have to blow up at every little thing. 😅
I’m teaching my 7yo, in an age appropriate way, about gaslighting and DARVO responses. She’s going to be invincible.
Narcs are the most evil people... being a narc mother is a another level of evil... I pity them for missing the most precious thing in life, empathy...
My deceased ex-wife's mother hated her with such a passion & she did not think highly of me also!! It was always a cold relationship & her narcissistic father was the sorriest man you ever saw in your life!! Dying with only the clothes on his back & yet he was a t.v. repairman 42 years & had a home but in the long run only had a social-security check & living with his brother!!
Narc parents don't see the wrong that they are doing. They don't question themselves and so scapegoats have to stay away and not engage. They never change and so don't waste your life on them. They are just abusive, toxic and destructive. Get out.
Life is really hell first in a narcissistic parent/parents dysfunctional family situation, but if most or all in one's environment are also narcissists, the hell becomes "HELL/HELL/HELL/HELL/HELL/HELL"!! In school, the neighborhood, church, employment, community, marriage!!
Yes, the explaining. Narcs seem to ask why we do everything we do. I now notice it with strangers interacting. Now that I've stopped sharing so much with my parents, there is an awkward silence after I've talked, like they are waiting for me to explain more. But, I still have an imaginary running dialogue with people in my head explaining what I'm doing at every moment. Comes from 50 years of thinking I needed to always explain myself. Trying to break that habit.
Me too. Ugh.
Yes, the uncomfortable silence after I have given my answer. The short answer they weren’t expecting/baiting for
Same here 😢
PTSD trauma and conditioning is what you're going through I know it well I have broke all contact they just hire hackers and stalkers to illegally keep tabs on their slaves who got away
‘What are you thinking?’ ..constantly!
I used to over explain and that’s how they figured out how to press my buttons. I would talk to my mother and tell her how much I’m hurting and how can she keep gaslighting me and side with those abusing me. She never relented and kept denying. Slowly, I realized that everything I was telling them was just fuel for more abuse. Now, I keep to myself. The more I learn about them the more I realize that I’m not responsible for their dysfunctional lives or their feelings.
I have the same problem. I talk a lot too coz I feel so lonely. They are the only people I have so I talk, over explain and feel so drained and ashamed of my behavior later. I am aware of this but don't know how to change or stop.
@@luckycharm1212 i think the first step is realizing that it will never end and time flies so why waste it with somebody who is not on your side? It's better to be alone. The most important thing would be finding a hobby so you have sth that you enjoy and that occupies your mind
Yes, and it is hard. I noticed recently this same about myself - and I‘ve done it for YEARS! For decades, actually.
I decided to be grey rock and as „official“ as possible. I still say too much. It is also sad to realise that inna way they are happy that they do not have to handle my feelings about anything. Which means: They do not really care who I am. They want to see a nice doll playing home in me.
I decided to live double life: for them I am a rock, and aside I create a life that I do not reveal them. I mist say this feels odd, but I remind myself that this is indeed a way to survive some way. Because no contact also is a very hard decision and difficult in this society.
@@luckycharm1212 Becaware that they might be the only ones because they do notcwant you to havevanyone else - and you sibconciously follow their wish. My oarents do not want me to have anything on my own, nothing. I have said about it to them - of course, they deny, but their actions tell another story. Every time when I have something nice, self-created in my life, it is as an insult to them!
Start to look for friends. Take a hobby where you can meet your tribe. You desreve it.
I’m working on the very same thing. I’m not responsible for their dysfunction. I may have had to be their “mom” and give up just being a kid and a sister but I can choose peace now. They can continue the family dysfunction.
Don’t defend, don’t explain , don’t engage and don’t personalize! Go DEEP! ❤️❤️
A truly malignant narcissist will NEVER ask that question. It took me 53 years to finally cut ties. The last time, my malignant narcissist mother triggered me until I exploded. She will never get the chance to do that to me again.
no offense but what do you mean by “that question”
Examples: "What's wrong?" or "What have I done?" or "Why aren't you talking to us as much?" Narcissists NEVER assume they have done anything wrong. These are trick questions.
@@akhil87
@@akhil87 Tell me what's wrong... What I've done to you? Along those lines.
@@mochagypsymagickthis 100%
Me Too. They did the worst thing to me last year. I forgot that they are ALWAYS keepING track of what I HATE and use it against the worst evil way.
They cause depression
Never once has any narc in my family asked me 'how are you'?
if they do its not because they care, its so they can use anything you say against you. if you were to tell them you had something good or bad going on they would use it to hurt you and manipulate you, this has been my experience with my family my whole life.
They don't care about a beautiful heart.
Omg when you said "you'll think maybe, maybe your growth is causing them to grow as well. Nothing could be further from the truth." That line hit me like a brick, its so true. Its a manipulation. I have also just realized it's not that they CANT behave, because they do it all the time to get what they want. Its that they CHOOSE to behave badly. That realization was huge for me. Because no matter how incensed I have been, I have never said anything on the same level as the narcissists in my life. The cruelty is unmatched, and they 100% choose it.
I remember that moment. I don’t know how many times I thought my dad would pick up on my example if I did the right thing. LMFAO these aren’t people who are capable of seeing integrity as it’s own reward, at least not for themselves. Good luck to you
@@REGjr Unfortunately, a lot of people in the church are told to do exactly that. To show them how to be decent by example. It is a hateful thing to do to victims just so that it fits their narrow subjective narrative of a book that they do not even live by themselves. If they did, they would protect the weak and victimized. Not tell them to just deal with it bc God wants them to be abused until the complete psychopaths and narcissists learn to be good people (wtaf) disgusting.
This is why a lot of horrible people are attracted to the churches bc they not only provide them a cover, and a sympathetic audience, they back them up as they abuse you and tell you you have no right to stand up to your abusers.
Do not explain, complain or blame to anyone. But definitely not to a narcissist. They will use your pain and problems as fuel to burn you with.
When I first started listeing to videos like these, my mother most have smell something, because she asked me "in her underhanded way", what I was listening to (she doesn't understand or speak any English). She must have been noticing my change. This happend about 2 years ago. I have freed myself since; and now, I'm living my best life. THANK YOU SO MUCH. For you all....do it NOW. PLEASE PLEASE don't wait until you are on your mid fifties like I was. Love
Same here...waited till my 50's. Left the state almost two years ago and now i am piecing myself back together. I blamed myself for years and always thought something was wrong with me. I am having a hard time trusting people because of all the abuse i endured. Never appreciated, never validated, never praised...i was the problem and i believed it. It's been a long journey of self-recovery. Thank you for sharing your story.
Mine tells me to stop listening to such content, like they want to remove the tools to save oneself. Sadly I'm in a dependent position.
@@francoisnel5253 perhaps you are in a dependant situation because she masterminded it that way. Your other approach should be, to investigate how you an free yourself of that dependency.
This is EXACTLY what I experienced when I started growing and stopped falling into all their decade-old traps that used to get me every time. It’s time to turn the tables on the abusers and keep them guessing all the time for a change. My parents told me as I was growing wise of their tricks and manipulations, “you think you’re getting better, but WE think you’re getting much worse than you were before.”
Congratulations.! When someone toxic calls you worse, it means you are really going in the right direction. Toxic people measure your worth based on how much you play the roles they demand of you and how much you meet their expectations. Good job👍
Same. My mum said "If you think I'm toxic now, I'm going to be even more toxic!"
Love it. I have been called mean, controlling and manipulative. My amazing husband was called a narcissist...he's the farthest thing from one. I'm getting a good laugh right now cause it's honestly hilarious...we are the problem for striving to be and do better.. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@choosejoy93 My husband, too.....he avoids narcissists and so they often think this means he is one of them. And I, too, have been called the same names that you have been called. I love it, too, because It is the opposite of who I am. Thank you, Choosejoy. Let's just keep on striving and laughing.
@@AliBaba-te1wdWTF...
My father was a self righteous Narcissist, just a horrible person to be anywhere near - never gave us a dime of support - wants to think of himself as a big family man, but does nothing to gain that status, never have been able to stand him. I have cut him out of my life.
Knowing that my adult child will be ok when I pass is one of the most comforting feelings that I, as a mom, could ever have.
We want that for our kids. We should!
Now, my parents on the other hand are devastated by any gain I make. Emotionally, physically, or financially.
Somehow it is a threat to them. They resent me even more,
the more I don’t need them in all the ways that they trained me to need them before.
Nobody’s “stuff”
be it $$, their so called “emotional support” or any toxic time together is worth my peace.
I’d rather be alone, loving & rebuilding myself.
☮️ to you all.
When you said you haven’t yet met a scapegoat that wasn’t kindhearted ❤️❤️. It’s a shame these people have flocks of individuals who go along with them to destroy empaths. I’m talking of my “family”.
🤗🙏🕊❤
It truly is a huge shame! Its like we were born to get persecuted. And the more sadder part is, when u expose these things to them or the people that are going along with them, they only reject and gaslight u even more...they call u unnormal but the family cycle was never normal and ur the only one that notices it
@@Iceejayy Exactly!! You feel alone and ostracized for being the healthy and normal one. A Swan in a pond of ducks.
@@shewins3775 “a swan in a pond of ducks” what a beautiful way to put it! Thank you! We ALL deserved better and still do! Just gotta believe in ourselves
@@rhiannonjbaker5047 ☺️ Thank you, and. ABSOLUTELY!! And yes, believing in ourselves is key. 💜
This is my mom to a T. She had 0 interest in how her behavior impacted me until I started pulling away and de-enmeshing myself in my early 20's. Then she became desperate to go to therapy with me (never by herself for some reason 🙄) and constantly asked me to explain what she was doing wrong, but it's a trick question when it's narcissist. No answer will be good enough for them and they will still work to convince you that *you* are actually the problem. There might be more fake empathy initially, but it's just a control tactic. She's also a pro at using therapy, non-violent communication and 12 step jargon to gaslight to the point that she can manipulate therapists. I've been no contact now for 7 years.
It really puts things into perspective when you learn that narcissism is on the same spectrum as sociopathy and psychopathy.
Last time I saw my narc mom were when I was 16.
Now I'm 55.
I didn't know it was the last time that I saw her, she knew it.
She said: «You'd better think twice if you gonna break contact for all times with me.»
I'm happy each and every single day.
Wow. So even though you were SIXTEEN and cut contact, then, when you reached back out to her, she ignored you??? Wow. If that is who she is as a person, then you were forced in to facing the truth at a really young age.
You are lucky. I ignored my therapist when he told me to break ties with my MN mother and my enabler father (I was severely abused). I decided to forgive them. BIG MISTAKE. I'm 53 and finally broke ties last month. Should have done it sooner.
applause for your strength to maintain that no contact! Awesome
How tf is a 16 yr old able to do that with they parent without anything coming after them? Im generally curious because other’s situations they simply can’t do that at all
@@SpiderSwag720 Yeah, I would have been forced back due to not being a legal adult at that age. Unless she was lucky and they didn't even try to force her back.
Funny I've never known a narc to ask questions about how I feel.
If they do, they are just trying to figure out if you are mad at them, so they can slap you down. If not, they will shut you down.
It's never asked with a positive motive!
Never
@@FromSurvivingToThriving my mom never asks how I feel she actually gets angry when I tell her how she negatively affects me she then says I’m always causing drama and fights and I’m not forgiving because apparently me having feelings or a voice is evil in her eyes
@@wakeupalready2099 i think we have the same mother. 😅
Never forget, whatever you say can and will be used against you. This NEVER changes.
Man I have a family system (relatives included) full of narcissists. When they realized they cannot control me anymore, they attacked me at full force 😂 poor those miserable souls.
You are probably narcissistic too. What you see in others is a reflection of yourself. It should be
a reminder that we project our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences onto others. This means that the things we find attractive, annoying, or repulsive in others are often reflections of our own inner selves. Is the flaw you see outside or in yourself?
The law of mirroring establishes that your unconsciousness, aided by the psychological projection that you carry out at the time, makes you think that the flaw you perceive in others only exists ‘out there’, not in yourself. Your whole family is narcissistic but only you are not … really?
@@helenalovelock1030
Let me guess: New Age pseudoscience? 😂
Lovelock? Find a more cover nickname, it shows. 🤪👻
@@helenalovelock1030 tell me youre clueless without saying youre clueless
Same. Jsut when I thought theyd change. One cousin tries to trigger me with a word that bothers me.
She is evil and never did like me.
I was quiet when I was younger but they were just annoying.
They trigger deliberately and its painful to see them. They are just ugly to me. Smear campaigns and insults out of nowhere. To trigger me into their stupid ugly TRANCE
Perfect timing, somebody just the other day tried to come back into my life like this. 😂
Not only am I a scapegoat, I am a Capricorn and born Year of the goat. But now I find out that being ' The GOAT' is a good thing. I finally stood up to my hateful Mother and said, 'You are right. I do think I am better than you. I am kind. I don't talk crap about people. I am not a fake Christian who says they pray all the time but can't say 'I love you' to her only daughter and is a racist. I am finally done. She has her golden child. Peace be with you and may God have mercy on your soul.
My mother has constantly analysed, critiqued, pathologised and infinitised me; from childhood up into my thirties. Invalidating my personal experiences, feelings and thoughts with her opinions and her endless need for control over me. She often will gossip or relay her thoughts of me to other people or triangulate to manipulate a situation. My life events (relationships, travel, my home) are hers to commentate and decide on.
I mention my growth and my achievements to her and I'm often reminded of my mistakes, weaknesses and failures; keeping me in this state of doubt, distress and confusion. Any information I provide seems to be used against me at a later stage. It's almost as if she is threatened by my independence and happiness.
I've decided to 'grey rock' her to keep our conversation light and non-divisive and it is helping to build my confidence back. I hope someone out there can resonate with this. It's a heart breaking position to be in.
Hey yes I can. I am same I try say as little as possible. My mother has ruined my life but I'm trying to not let her ruin the rest of it. it's so hard as you keep thinking that maybe this time it will be different but it never is.. stay strong ❤
Yeh each time you end up feeling a bit disappointed with the interaction. But we will persevere and stay strong 💪!@@Groovytunes96
I hope you are doing well. Grey rocking my narc parents has been vital in getting away from them and turning my life around.
Same with me on every point. Tried to also dictate my career choice. I pretended like I applied and just didn't get in to avoid her rage and toxic reactions. She used that to gossip and lie that I'm defective and kept pushing me to apply years later. Then told me to marry a person from that career. When I got engaged to someone not in that career path, she lied that my fiancee doesn't have any skills, doesn't make an income, will never make an income, is a gold-digger, and I'm financially ruined. Sick, sick woman.
Yeah, that resonates. I'm having kind of a tough evening on a similar-seeming path here. I'm trying not to get down on myself for having a hard time being smooth and consistent in my grey rocking. Emotional regulation in the arena with Mom can be really hard. I feel like healing is happening in the background while I use that strategy, for the most part, though. I'm trying to stay strong, yet also stay loose and be ok with myself when I'm tired or whatever. One thing I have noticed about trying to grey rock family: it can turn into almost too much of a personal superhero quest for me. Compassion for self is really important over the long haul here, I feel. I hope that's going really well for you a month down the line, and that the healing is flowing! I do know I'm feeling a whole lot better in my own skin than when I first learned about these things.
Perfect timing because it's so difficult to remember that these people are evil. Thank you.
I found your channel last night and stayed up till 5am watching videos. I'm so glad I was directed here. My mom does this all the time. So she can then relay what I say to my step-dad. I don't tell my mom anything important anymore. And to everyone in the comments I appreciate you all❤! Trying to take my power back as a lifer scapegoat. Especially just entering my 30s.
It is hard to accept, but people who love you don't do these things. To lose them is a plus, not a loss. Simple math. Subtract a negative, and the result is positive. I am disgusted when people who are not willing to face truth make excuses and take a huge crap on a beautiful concept - love. Love is not selfish, or hurtful, or toxic. These adjectives create a nonsense phrase that is not logically possible to exist. If it is selfish, there is no love. After the initial sadness of realizing and owning that truth, the result that soon follows is the feeling of being free, hope, and possibility, because when you lose something bad, you are fortunate.
My 91 year old mother asked that exact question. She knows I’m on to her. This will never end and I know she will never change.
When mine asked what i was doing i said studying mental illness and archeology, her answer was what is archeology? Never asked of the mental illness!!!LOL On the other I said digging up old bones, she is 94!!!
Narcissists do anything but changing
God bless you forever and always 4 staying the course
When I told my narc MIL that I feel stronger about myself this time that I am no longer afraid to confront my fears and no longer afraid to stand up for myself. She looked bothered about it. I have been suffering my inlaw’s narcissistic abuse for a long time that drove me into depression and the pandemic gave me time and space to gain knowledge and understand what exactly I have been going through. Because the whole family act as one, the first thing I did was cut my SIL off and then removed myself from the family chat. Since then MIL and FIL were walking on eggshells around me. Then they saw an opportunity to attack me through my husband. My response was a divorce. My husband begged me and only then he tried to see it from my standpoint. Now my husband knows I’m serious that if he doesn’t set the boundaries with them I am ready to cut him off as well. I told my in-laws I am returning my husband to them and they’re free to find another person who will take the abuse. They kept quiet for a while and here comes my SIL sent me message of apology. The funny thing is, her apologies were not for the things she did to me so I just binned it and never responded. I am now letting my in laws know that I am no longer allowing them to drag me to their pit of misery.
I hope you are safe and doing well.
It's a mistake to ever tell a narc how you are feeling, that you are feeling stronger etc. Show them you are strong with your actions and decisions. Never explain it to them.
Some similar questions are 'why do you treat me like this?' 'Why do you hate me?' 'Why are you treating me like a stranger?' Anythung that will basically get you to share what parts of their tactics are becoming more clear to you so they can figure out how to adjust the manipulation.
100%
Yup. Or “I assumed you were a loving daughter”….”that you cared” …” etc - goes to how “lonely, alone, like a third wheel, outside of the family, etc” - it’s usually a “feel sorry for me” Combined with a judgement of me not being a loving daughter - blame for her victim status
Be careful with sharing important personal information or anything that they could later use against you if they feel threatened by you in any way or if they want to use it to manipulate you in any way, so again be very careful and you all take care and GOD bless you 👐
The gut instinct being overridden by the narcissist's minimizing your feelings, is sooo true! Every time a red flag would appear, I'd think I was being judgemental or paranoid... to my folly😢
perfect timing! just experienced this with my narcissistic mom for the gazillionth time. Sadly she has Alzheimer's now but still retains her ability to provoke me. Understanding makes it easier. Thanks Michelle.
I am a scapegoat but I got brain and I will take revenge of each and every tear and emotional depression with compound interest
I struggle and my parents are chomping at the bit to save me. Once "saved" they have ammunition to manipulate me. I start to get on my feet and feel better about myself and they find some way to concern on troll me, remind me how they saved me and how much I need them. I got a break from all that when I had my narc ex to "take care of me". Then when I struggled after my divorce, they tried to talk me into moving back to my home state and in with them. " Oh, honey you gave it a good try. We know you want to be independent, we won't tell you what to do. We have it all planned." Ha! I finally had them figured out. I'm still struggling and trying hard to not share much with them, but it's better than being under their thumb, especially at 50...wtf?
I tried leaving when i was 18, 20's, 30's and every single time my mom would say...I don't know why you're leaving ...you're not going to make it out there and i believed her so i would come back to hear...i told you so. I finally left in my 50's but this time i left without telling her or my family. I left with nothing but my cloths and some personal stuff. Left and gave away everything. When i got to another state i let them know i left the state. Best thing i could have done. It's been a lonely journey but i have noticed the changes within me. Time to enjoy our 50's and live in peace. Thank you for sharing your story.
@@brighteyes4817 Congratulations for breaking away, you are so brave! Narcs like to tell us how scary the real world is and how much better it is with them. Unfortunately, they taught me how to see the world in such a skewed way, it is taking me a while to start to see things from a much different perspective.
There are two songs that make me think of how my parents and my ex tried to manipulate me. One is "Don't Leave Home" by Dido. The other is "Wild World" by Cat Stevens, from the 70s.
Thanks for sharing your story and here's to freedom in our 50s! 😄
@@goldieh7121I know im late but how do you see the world?
agreed. When healthy people are still trying to "overexplain" which in this case means explaining at all, the narcissist seems sometimes to respond nicely. The decent person takes that as if they are listening, learning, and being thoughtful like a decent person would do. That is not what they are doing. The reason they are temporarily being nice and seeming to accept your information is because they are extremely satisfied knowing you are still trying and they are dissecting your explanation for hints at how to hurt you even more effectively. Smiling evil.
I agree with this and especially the smiling evil part.
I would say to beware of someone who smiles *all the time* or for no apparent reason. At first it may seem like oh, a very positive happy person, but you later find out it's a mask when the sarcasm / passive aggression comes out, still with the smile.
Very few people are that happy that they can smile all the time and it be genuine (An exception would be if it's part of a job to smile at customers etc, but if it's an ordinary person then beware).
You're spot on with everything you said. My mom had me caught in that trap over forty years. I always thought she was poking and inquiring because she wanted to help, but it turns out, it was so she would know when to sabotage. Scary thing was that she was a licensed social worker. I can't see her ever helping anyone, she was very sadistic. She took pleasure in other peoples pain, and you'd see that quick narcissistic grin and the gleam in her eyes when you told her you had a problem, or were suffering from some injury or pain.
Please tell me how should I get my kids from my covert narcissist husband .one is 2year old. Another is 7. I don't want them to be his version.
Ya, my Mum is a Spiritual counselor, yikes...I stopped asking her about my path....an Astrologer too.
@@monikasehgal6055 I would be very careful with that, they will destroy everything or everyone just so you have nothing. They don't bend, break or rust, so there is no winning with them. Keep in mind there's always a threat of violence involved in dealing with this personality. You have to know what kind of narcissist you're dealing with, as they say, there's levels to this s**t. Custody battles can be deadly, seek legal help for your best options. And, I always promote self defense. Get to the range, get a guard dog, put cameras everywhere you can, alarm system, like your preparing for war. If the father is truly narcissistic, then the kids already think your the worse person ever. Trust, they've never heard him say anything positive about you, so find out where you stand with your kids on a personal level first.
The grin….lawd the narcissistic smirk
My narc parent is old and needs lots of help right now. She has three scapegoats that try to help her and a golden child who has drained her bank accounts leaving her poor and at risk of losing her home. When the scapegoats decide to give up, she dies alone because the golden on only comes around when there is money to be had. I wish things could be better but I won't continue to support her financially or provide care much longer. Dad left her with enough to live a long time comfortably above average. Not extravagantly but never at the level they lived while he was alive and working. It's nobody's fault but her own that she wasted a small fortune on drug and alcohol for the one she enables. For now I continue to cook healthy meals for her and mow her grass and rake the leaves and clean the gutters and on and on but I see her as the abusive liar she's always been and I do what I do out of guilt, not love.
The day before my wedding my parents asked this same question, this is like a classroom lesson. My answer to what she asked was eventually, “stop acting like you’re interested in my thoughts and in what I have to say”. I told them, you don’t want to know how I feel, you never do. This was a perfect video! Thank you so much!
Great answer, how did they reply to that out of curiosity?
@@sarahneels4331 they did not know how to reply. The honesty of my statement was dismissed.
They love shame wounds...narcs poke at the things that have hurt you or things they know that you may feel ashamed of. Im also seeing that a bigger narc would manipulate another narc to get to someone whom they can't themselves reach. Causing that person to touch open wounds to basically do the work for them.
Yes. I've gotten to this point now where I calmly point out what my mom is doing wrong without overexplaining. And I don't do it because I know she'll change, its for the sake of speaking my truth which I have not been able to do all the years being raised by her. They will try to intimidate you all sorts of ways to get you to react. I've learned how to stay calm outwardly and stand my ground with her.
I am so glad you pointed out the part of someone who is willing to self reflect
I would agree with this for the most part. I think when you are dealing with someone who is actually LEGTIMATE, cares, and is mature, then there is hope for reflection.
Ya my parents it was always , “we think” and “we love you” and “look at all the things we’ve done for you.”
The stuff they did is supposed to be done thats their job and obligation to you as a parent not a privilege
One day your gonna try and forge your path and your parents may have an issue but idk your situation at all so i may be coming off as rude but in other’s situations these scenarios are a reality to them
I wish I didn't know what you're talking about because it would mean I was raised in a healthy family but unfirtunately I know exactly what you're talking about
With narcissists you cannot let your guard down because they will always use it to destroy you
Yes, gosh it’s taken me so long to face this truth.
Me too, I'm happy now because there's so many people with worse case of years facing this truth. Now I'm really happy and relieved in my 25 year's old.
It's really just simpler to go no contact, or that's my experience.
Having to keep your guard up if like me, you are a natural communicator, can be exhausting. It tends not to work anyway with the worst of the narcs because they can't respect the guard/distance because they have no sense of boundaries.
I agre with you 100% . This is exactly how they are. And they are also very sneaky and underhandesd because they are not sincere they are also sadists who enjoy hurting us as they play on our feelings and they also gaslightlight us .Exactly . Tell them whats hurting you and theyll know your weak spots and tbeyll continue to hurt you because for them, its all about control .Thank you so much fir this., Michelle .🌹💖💖🎉
I told my dad that the root of my anxiety was the fear of losing companions, so when he threatens to get rid of the dog or the cats, it makes me really scared. Never should have shared that. He continues to do that if there’s ever a “misstep.” I know he’s bluffing, but it really hurts.
Lie and make up another fear that you actually don't mind him doing.
I hope you can stay strong and be free soon.
Imagine asking for help from your abuse victim on how to abuse them better.
It's almost like there underdeveloped souls stuck in physical bodies ~ and they don't know how to deal with the rest of Humanity
Its so insane not knowing this stuff before hand and thinking the "apologizing" and "understanding" is genuine. i think of it as the rainbow after the tornado
"I don't believe anything you say." Best answer for 100% of their questions...
Thanks for sharing!❤ exactly 💯expecting them to change is like expecting a blind person to see color.
This had me on the floor groaning - there was a literal ache that came with the truth of this... But I remembered that I'm allowed to get up/stand up. I have a self. And a right to protect me. Choose to acknowledge your self rather than feed the beast. The slightest scent of blood (your emotion) & you will be devoured. They need you more they you need them. THANK YOU !
Great comment! I totally agree! It's like we have to be less of ourselves to have a workable relationship with them. I'd rather be my true and whole self (or have that hope) than be a shell of myself just to get along with someone like my mother.
it b like this. so painful
I stopped sharing things with my family. It’s till he’ll but easier to deal with because I’m not giving them things to hurt me or for them to ruin
The narc monster actually said to me that I am mentally and emotionally unstable. I said that's interesting when did that occur to you? Reality was that I set boundaries and the narc monster refuse to follow them. So my reply to the narc monster was you don't like me and I don't like you and we can agree to disagree I am tired of putting up with your s*** . I did not care what the narc thought of me perceived me or anything else. Narcs response was I'm not going to call you or talk to you anymore. I said thank you now you finally get it.
I have never gotten a call text email or smoke signal - nada- from narcissistic mother nor siblings. Its only 'what can you do to enhance my OTT egocentricity today'. and thats ALL its about. She once said "mothers dont call their children,. the children only call their mothers. I wondered if that was universally true or just in her world. Could never go to her with a concern or share news good or bad it would always be turned on me somehow. Had to shut her out 💯% the impact on wellbeing began to get overwhelming.
Also at 4 minutes in the part about they jump from topic to topic to see how they can hurt you. Unreal how deeply sadistic that sounds. Parents who go out of their way to hurt or even destroy their own child IMO no longer fits under category of narcissist, seems deeper to me. thanks for this video
My mom and I never have gotten along, and she was criticizing me about a year ago to the point that I had to snap. I've always tried to just leave the conversation, but this time she triggered me in a way I couldn't contain it. And I let her know everything. I thought about all this and told her I was in therapy. She told me I was crazy I was wrong. The therapist is injecting horrible ideas in my mind, and changing me… And now she doesn't even talk to me at all and it's been a year have apologized because I felt bad and guilty after it happened but it's all true I stand by all of it. She's elderly, so I feel guilty, but she basically will not talk to me anymore very very very little. She's the kind of person that will hold a grudge to death even if I'm her child. It doesn't really matter. She would turn me in if I did anything wrong she's the first one to criticize me the first one to gang up against me. But she did to her motherly duties when I was younger and she's just changed over the years. I hope that for your sake you can find a way around it to not hurt yourself emotionally from this ongoing emotional abuse they like to give. Mine does it in a subtle way, or at least, I'm not sure that she's as bad as others… But I'm not talking to her now due to her silence and I lashed out at her for a reason. It's always the parent's fault if the child feels that way. I think - there's something they're not doing right to have the child feel safe with them.
EXACTLY. A malignant narcissist that goes to therapy becomes a better narcissist. I was talking about this for ages and people rolled their eyes at me. Well that's what happens whenever I tell the truth anyways. My NPD sister took 2 years of therapy using my scholarships and all that changed is she is now a worse person, hence a better narcissist. Now I went NC my mom and dad started therapy too, to become worse people (and better narcissists). They are doing great, what can I say?
I try to never answer a question from someone who doesn't really want the answer, but is only asking to prove a point, extend an argument, or manipulate in some way.
I’m a newbie to knowing that my son and I have been manipulated by a malignant narcissist for the last 9 years. I’m heartbroken because I know I have to end this marriage or my son and I will never be happy in our lives. But I know it’s up to me to make a better life for us. Thank you for your content. You’re so amazing! God bless!
Wooooahh! I’m growing and my mom literally told me this yesterday!!!
I cut my parents off last summer. Best thing I ever did! I feel free!
@@dabaum6278 i want to do the same but dont know how help me out pls😩
@@nahiedlaila9601 ...my friend, I don’t know how, exactly anyway. It’s not that easy. The relationship I hv w my parents is a long one. They are very controlling people who raised me by constantly shaming me. It turned me into a person who is too empathetic & tried so hard to please everybody in my life. It was exhausting! I’m now 51, & I just got tired of working so hard, yet still doing nothing right. So I just quit! 2020 came around, & it was so incredibly obvious that Jesus is coming. So I just quit! I quit answering phone calls, I quit answering texts/emails....I instead started talking to Jesus about everything! My parents are Catholic, pray to angels, & called me a Jesus freak. My sister is an atheist, & raised her kids as such. I just have nothing in common with my family. They have no idea who God is...so I quit talking to them. They still email me, that will never stop! Now my emails are about how I’ve let them down, how I’m not a good daughter, & how I’ll die if I don’t get the V...they will never stop! So I did. I just quit responding. When I figured out that I don’t hv to respond to abusive comments anymore, I could breathe for the first time in my entire life! I’m free to talk to Jesus & listen to only Him. I had to do it for my sanity, my Faith, & my daughters.
We are short on time now. So give yourself some peace. Just talk to Jesus & quit answering calls/texts/emails....even the “caring” ones cuz that’s how they reel us back in. It’s ok to take a break & rest your soul. Rest in Jesus now. He’s a good good Father. He’s the only Father that matters.
Read 2 Timothy 3, cuz that’s exactly where we are now.
Much love! ❤️
Luke 12:53
“53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.”
I would feel my self empowerment leaving me as narc mum needled me more and more as I answered her questions
My adoptive mother was split into two people, sweet as pie mom at times, and cold, callous & emotionally-absent parent whenever it came to putting her (biological) daughter first - her 'golden.child' she actually ruined psychologically.
They were both narcs right down to them both lying for decades about how poor mom was so she could give it all to her daughter. I was never after her money. I'm just disappointed in her lack of humane honesty, and the person my sister has become - a cold calculating Narc with serious people-problems.
I'm doing OK, and still think I'm the lucky one despite everything. They're fools.
Yup, once my Father knew I wanted to be a Dancer,...15, he set up the lessons but cupboards were bare & I couldn't build body muscles & became anemic & I quit
Oh my gosh, I told my Dad I wanted to be a high school team dance instructor. I was never allowed to take dance classes when younger but in high school I was on the drill team for one year. I tried out for the second year and made the highest score out of 80 girls. I thought he would be so proud of me. Instead he blasted me with contempt and told me to go back and tell them I’m quitting. I then got to be the family caretaker, taxi driver and cook for younger siblings. Such an angry man. As his scapegoat he knew how happy dance made me but he could only think of himself.
Holy hell in a hand basket 😳 Soooooooo spot on 🎯
They aren't listening. They are LEARNING YOU.
The day I removed myself from the family system was the freest day of my life. The entire family is narcissistic and when our parents died the narcissistic brothers tried to reconnect with me. They couldn't stand that they had no contact with me and that I had escaped their system. Now they are attempting to influence our adult children to dislike me. The stronger I became because Christ is all I needed, the narcissists got worse in triangulation. They were hoping to poke me through others. I cannot be fooled and have no desire to ever see these people again. If I have to see them I never explain anything to them. They are actually afraid of me, I can see it in their demeanor and facial expressions. They don't know what to do with someone who is unaffected by their nonsense.
This literally happened to me a few months ago and I wish I had seen this video before I showed all my cards thinking I was going to help someone in need. Boy was I wrong but at least I know for next time! You have been so helpful with these videos, I can't thank you enough!!!
I tell my mother as little as possible. Her newest trick is to go on the phone all the while Im at theirs, just speaking about nothing in particular to friends. I work away and im only in my home town for short periods every 6 weeks or so. After half an hour to 45 mins i usually just leave. Ive been on the mobile before and she has taken another call. Rather than tell the person she is on call to me she makes me wait. its a control tactic. Making sure i know im last in pecking order. I work away for this reason. i usually get anxiety when home.
My visualization is they are throwing a depth charge. Throwing an explosion that goes off under the surface to identify the threat they can't see
Thank you Michele. This reminder came right on time. My narc dad (I quit contact over 12 years ago) asked my mom if he really was such a terrible father that I don't talk to him anymore. Knowing that I have a good relationship with her, this was just a bait to suck me back in his mad life. For a moment I thought about writing him. But this video reminded me that it is no use. 🙏
Exactly-- they don't really care about the pain they caused. Will even offer hollow apologies. Gray rock, limit contact, stay healthy!
I got sick and behind on my bills. She cut my lights on in her name, 1st bill she ever helped me with. I was learning how to cut her off emotionally, and she cut my lights off. Now she is telling people I messed up and need to get my life together. Crazy!! Now I'm going no contact 💪🏽
your timing for release of this video could not have been any better, this is exactly what I'm dealing with right now and this video helps immensely! Thanks Michelle!
It took me almost 30 years to realize this is how she is & it won’t change. I can either take it or leave. I don’t fall into her traps anymore I just feel so hurt for her because I wish she was healthy. She live alone and it just break my heart .
Thank you for the conclusive description of the 'thoughts' inside a (malignant) narc. This is from practice.
And so important to take care of your own instinct and inner voice, and not of the voice of the narc. This helps one to avoid so much shame and self-accusation if they try to trick us again.
My mum's asked me this so many times over the years, literally word for word, and I've answered every time and can tell you, it changed nothing and she just got mad and took it all personally and started saying things I "do wrong" and how I don't love her enough. Also that's right about them using it against you cause I mentioned a boundary I'd asked her to respect, just one as an example, and since she oversteps it more.. and if I react to her overstepping she just calls me horrible and says she does it cause she loves me...
They will always try to rope me back in it seems.
i’m convinced that my narc psychopath brother has gone to therapy. perhaps his narc wife recommended marriage counseling or something. it made vic worse. he uses terms he has heard in therapy. language and techniques appear to have come from psychology books or perhaps therapy sessions.
on surveillance video at my house i have him saying words to my door quietly using words that only a psychologist or therapist would use.
can’t believe i put up with a narc brother all these years. i let him use me to prop him up. make him look better. all while he has been destroying my reputation and relations with everyone i know. its incredible.
i watched an interview of a psychopath before he was put to death. its incredible how they act as if nothing bad has happened. except the bad happening to that psycho. they have no emotional attachment to memories. they are just things that happen. they get a rush out of control. and thats all they are. the extreme act of control triggers dopamine in their brains. the more control the more dopamine.
i’m convinced there are more narcs than science claims. and i don’t believe for a minute that men are narcs more often. thats counter intuitive to what drives a narc for supply.
wish i didn’t know all this stuff. the last year and a half i feel like i could get my phd in disordered day walkers.
i love this woman you can see how they have been affected she has such a golden heart, my eyes have been opened to alot of wrong in my past relationships i wont understand but i can forgive for my own sanity
My mom always asks this whenever I pull away from her because of a recent blowup…it’s like she forgot all the hundreds of conversations before that ive tried to explain her behavior to her. But it’s a dead end so I don’t even answer her. I delete her emails and texts and don’t engage anymore
@@anih8199 sending you love 💕
I was wondering why I’m asked the same question for years like seriously how do they keep forgetting
My boomer family members have asked me this so many times, and they always end up making what hurts me **EVEN MORE**.
This applies to narc in laws too. They can be terrible
ugh I I recently fell for this. I was kicking myself for it!
Damn it! I fell into this trap last week!! Sigh... work in progress!!
It's okay! Keep moving forward. I've been knowingly dealing with narc parents for over 7 years and I am only just now learning to accept things as they are and to not constantly re-explain myself. It takes time but as long as you keep moving in the right direction you will get better ❤
Listen to your intuition 👍 up Michelle
Over Explaining! Sabotage! Gaslight, repeat!!!!
Hi Michele,
Your guidance is awesome! Thank you for teaching us that the narcissist’s poking questions are their insecurities. I’m learning that their gaslighting is also a clue to their insecurities.
Thank you!
I really needed to hear this because this is exactly what my mother does and it hurts so much
WOW!!! This is one of the best videos I have seen of yours Michele...holy moly... I can't tell you how called out I felt when you spoke about over-explaining...omg. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have explained and re-explained myself to my parents. It is insane. Luckily I have finally come to the point of fully accepting and realizing that I have done more than enough explaining and attempting to level with them in the name of having a civil relationship with them. This video really gave me the boost.of confidence and validation that I still feel myself needing from time to time. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! 🙌🙌🙌
Ohh that was good...narc in therapy learns how to be a better narc! Yesss! Lol! They poke like Jurassic Park dinosaurs testing the fences. Yep.
Gosh, it was even worse for me. My ex got to the therapist earlier then me so he cld set me up. He show the therapist my texts or emails & got a few minutes to charm her. It was hell! One day she laid into me for 45 minutes straight, for something I never even did. She was so naive...it was humiliating. He enjoyed that she so much!
@@dabaum6278 Damn..That's a whole new level of evilness 😟
@@littleninnie ...100%! I cld see the evil in his eyes. He enjoyed it!
Much love! ❤️
Examples of my 82 year old mother’s words: “I assumed you were a loving daughter”….”that you cared” …” etc - Another repetition: how “lonely, alone, like a third wheel, outside of the family, etc” - it’s usually a “feel sorry for me” Combined with a judgement of me not being a loving daughter - blame for her victim status
I am working on how that triggers my heart rate to increase, my feelings of defensiveness, and now I am better in touch with my anger. I don’t want to stay thinking about how I was conditioned to caretake her and how difficult it’s been to turn back to me. I’ve started working with a Somatic Coach and feeling it in the body along with parts work seems to be at least allowing me to recognize what I’m feeling instead of moving into old patterns of guilt, shame, and care taking in response to her behavior. I tend to go silent and wish I had a quick set of words to use just to shut the conversation down. We don’t live together and I am grown and my kids are grown. So it’s just a matter of dealing with the manipulations when they come. Now the guilt is around the fact that she’s 82. She now uses her age and says dramatic things about soon no longer to be here and anything that might cause a guilty reaction. When I’m accused of not being caring or loving, it is a really smart tactic. I need to remember it’s a tactic. It’s smart because who I am at the core. is someone who wants to love and care for the people that matter to me. Would I love to be able to love my mother freely? Absolutely! She makes it extraordinarily difficult. I agree with boundaries, keeping distance, and taking care of me before responding so I don’t react. I disconnected once for six months and that was a good time in my life. It just isn’t me to completely turn my back on anyone. It’s a matter of how I want to show up in the world. Complete disengaging to me feels equally cruel as a narcissist’s behavior. But I totally get it if you’re not feeling strong enough to take care of yourself and manage that relationship. Sadly, it is a relationship that requires so much effort, energy, work. The silver lining is after many years- I feel I am much more in touch with who I am, what is important to me, and I am so much better at discerning and choosing good people I can trust and feel safe with my life.
Narcissist try to buy things for you to get you to come back... Don't take the gifts... Later they will want them back... like you borrowed those gifts! Ask me how I know.
This happened four months ago with my narc father. He asked me about something in my life and proceeded to make an unfunny joke about it, that is what he has done for years. Boy was he upset when I calmly stated my boundaries, his behavior turned mocking and then to the silent treatment. I calmly got up and said 'Thanks for lunch, I'm taking off' to which he replied 'okay'. The next week there was another hoovering attempt. It didn't work.
This is a VERY important advice. 👍❤
What a beautiful and intelligent counselor!