#1 Therapist: "STOP Attracting A**holes & DO THIS..."-Why You CAN'T FIND Genuine Men!| Lori Gottlieb
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- čas přidán 8. 07. 2024
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It’s Lisa Bilyeu and this episode of Women of Impact is going to open your frikin’ eyes to the dating and relationship mistakes that keep attracting the wrong type of men, and what you can do to fix your approach and find someone actually sincerely interested and good for you!
Today I’m joined by the unbelievable Lori Gottlieb - she’s a psychotherapist, NYT best selling author, and podcast host and she is SPILLING THE TEA on all things DATING & RELATIONSHIPS, including:
- Why you can’t find genuine men and what you need to do to find a real “love match” instead
- How online dating & the paradox of choice is actually keeping you single
- Why you SHOULD have high standards, but not about what you THINK
- The differences in how men and women approach dating, relationships, and marriage & how that causes problems down the line
- Why it’s actually best that all sales at the “husband store” are FINAL
- Why you need to understand the difference between compatibility and having things in common
- How the misconstrued idea of feminism is setting women up for failed relationships
- How dating changes for women as we age
- What green flags and red flags to look for when learning about someone new
- And sooooo much more relationship wisdom!!
Seriously guys, this woman has sooooo much wisdom into life and relationships and what you need to do to avoid ingenuine a-holes and pivot your life and have an amazing, healthy relationship! Listen close cause there’s SO much to learn, and this is one you’re gonna want to gossip with your homies about!
CHAPTER MARKERS:
🏆 [0:00] Having high standards that actually matter
🗣️ [19:18] Important discussions before marriage
❤️ [38:08] Practical considerations in a long-term partnership
❌ [53:33] Acting out of fear in relationships
👩❤️👨 [1:04:13] Focus on being a good partner
🤩 [1:27:25] Perception vs. reality in relationships
LORI’S QUOTEWORTHY TRUTH BOMBS:
"People think that there is so much opportunity for someone, quote unquote better that they really don't give anything a chance."
"And so that's more important than sort of who's making the money or where the money is coming from is given our goals, how are we as a team going to do this?"
"It's kind of like in the beginning of a relationship, it's like you put down cement, right? And at the beginning of a relationship, the cement is still wet. You can still talk about these things. You can still kind of mold how you want it to go, but it's kind of like if five years later you say the cement is dry and all of a sudden you say, you know what, I really want to do this financially."
"You are not going to be happy if this pattern continues and it looks like it will. So are you signing up for this pattern or given all the other qualities that you like about this person? I would say give up some of the other qualities and choose the reliable person."
"People don't understand. They think that dating is a good test for marriage. You know, I think a lot of dating is a lot of sort of fantasy as opposed to, let me really look, you know, they say, oh, it's very unromantic to talk about money and in laws and children and, you know, all these things. Well, no, it's very romantic because if you're going to spend your life with this person, you want to really know who they are and what they're thinking about in terms of what they want in life."
"Communication is not just like doing a dump of all of your feelings on the other person. That's not communicating."
"How are we working together so that we both feel seen, heard, understood."
"People tend to be happiest when there is equal power, or at least similar types of power."
"Women were expected to take care of everything at home in addition to now if they want to have a career. And then they're doing all of the emotional labor of sort of running the household."
Follow Lori Gottlieb:
Website: lorigottlieb.com/
Instagram: / lorigottlieb_author
Podcast: lorigottlieb.com/podcast/
Follow Me, Lisa Bilyeu:
Website: www.radicalconfidence.com/
Instagram: / lisabilyeu
Facebook: / lisabilyeu
X: / lisabilyeu
If you want to dive deeper into my content, search through every episode, find specific topics I've covered, and ask me questions. Go to my Dexa page: dexa.ai/lisabilyeu
Themes: Confidence, Relationships, Business, Mental Health, Self-Improvement - Zábava
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
I won't trust anyone after 50 yrs with a narc... I'm done being a slave. 6 yrs free finally. I love MY bed and my dogs.
It’s truly amazing how long we stay with icky people!
….but 50 years?!
Same, don't want to play a victim again and again. I am too old for it.
Don’t close the doors on love ❤️ ❤
Was 30 for me . I Believe tho , it was because we Both worked 6/7 days a week as a chef and as a Cook minimum 10 hour days , for most of it . Glad to be out now .
@MaryWallace-wv2bn The word narc was never around back when I was young. Met at 14. My dysfunctional family life growing up set me up narc bait. I didn't know they never change. I had hope....then it ran out.
The statement that if you aren't involved in social circles or have many friends then there is something wrong with you is utterly ridiculous. I work with the public, mostly women. I am their psychologist, marriage counselor, coach, priest, confidant and spiritual healer. I am exhausted after my work week and the last thing I need are more women to hang out with. Small talk absolutely bores me to death too. I'm happier alone with my animals or on my motorcycle.
This is a saying I've heard that has stuck with me: We marry the Facts, not the Potential.
We realize that to late,at the end of the bullshit.sad in a way.
I watch these programs from both men and women. Here is my take. Women have to look harder/longer BECAUSE our commitment means; pregancy, childbirth, childcare for THE REST OF OUR LIVES. If we abort, if we carry, if it lives, if it dies nor matter what from the moment we know we are pregnant til we die IT HAS CHANGED OUR LIVES. This is NOT so for the men. They marry, they father, they can and do leave and start again because THEIR BODIES ARE NEVER COMMITTED.
This!
Unless we are childfree as many women are...but, I understand your point!
Well said and so true
@2Sugarbears Great perspective! It's all on women...always has been, always will be. Such a huge diff between the genders.
In some countries, female babies are killed. Sperm can be frozen....but there is no substitute for a womb. And women are treated substandard. We're damn important to further the human race.
@@carolgonzales4262we live in a sick society,as a whole.
All is perverted.
5:00 i genuinely believe that having chemistry with somebody straightaway is a red flag.
The worst & most harmful relationship i ever had was with somebody who instantly attracted me & everything about him was attractive.
But the best relationships ive had tended to not have chemistry immediately, but it built with time, so i never view attraction in the very beginning as being good, its more like a signal of a wolf in sheeps clothing from my experience.
I agree because chemistry really gets in the way and blind most women in doing their due diligence. At the very least, one must not be repulsed by their new interest.
True
The problem with chemistry is that men and women who have chemistry often have chemistry with many many others. Chemistry for these individuals gives them the power to play the field as much as they want, while for most men and women, who typically have far less chemistry with others, those less charismatic individuals are stuck on the person that they are already infatuated with.
… We can’t find genuine men as there’s not many of them out there …
Fact's💯
even men themselves have told me this. there is a real deep moral sickness in the male population...
Men are not simple people at all. They are the most complex people on this earth.
And so are we Women! 😁
Men are not complex at all. They are very simple. They want you to look good and to have a lot of sex with them.
I think human beings (no matter which sex) are all complex beings.
Her discussion about shouting was brushed over a little too quickly to me. It is most times an introduction to abuse, and once we set the boundary that we will not condone shouting, and your partner ignores that the first time, it’s best to move on, because that’s a character flaw in the person.
Fun fact: Butterflies are a sign of danger, not of chemistry. I didn't had it with my husband either, today I'm happy married 😊 That doesn't mean he wasn't attractive to me (he's really good looking) but it wasn't the danger/excitement feeling...
So we are to picky but if we get with a man who turns into a deadbeat, it's our fault for not being picky enough?
As a woman, you don't have the level of discernment necessary to know what to be picky ABOUT.
Or maybe the parents ....or the father figure should tell him
I raised my daughter ewith ôlovea nd respect, I invested a lot in her
I would just appreciate that you as her partner will have the same empathy
and you both will love each other.
I know its not the parents business
but maybe the guys will think,
well they raised her, they love her, thye want the best for her
maybe one day I will do my best for my kids.
Be picky about the right things. Being 6 plus feet tall is not the quality that makes for a committed equal partner over the long term.
You just never had a dad to teach you what qualities to look for in men
@notaras1985 My dad has autism. He did a good job raising me.
I disagree with a lot of things in this talk 😎 Then again, I mostly picked narcissists for my relationships. I learned, I healed and now with 50, I'm done and enjoy a great life for just myself. 🙏🏼🙌🏼❤️
46 and have interest left in men and their games
It is not the fault of the child, who then became an adult, for having a dysfunctional family. Sometimes that person needs to cut ties and that doesn't mean "something is wrong."
I have no friends and don’t talk to family I’m still loveable and deserve a relationship
want to be friends
I can relate
I am sorry to read this. Everyone needs at least one good friend.
Can I ask you if you are doing anything on a regular basis to try and meet people and make friends? There are lots of social groups you can join where you can meet people who have things in common. What are some of your interests or hobbies? See if there are any local community groups that you could join in with that relate to the things you enjoy doing (sports, music, cooking, a book club, dancing, gardening, travel, arts and crafts etc.....). Wishing you all the best xo
@susanmcguire4664 sorry, I thought I would jump in here with my experience.
I've tried this ..I have met a lovely group of older ladies, but I wouldn't call them close friends( I have nobody to call in an emergencies) sad but true, no next of kin( only my ex who is abusive). Other friends have dropped off over the years for different reasons, I have been a carer . If I died nobody would come looking for us. It's just me and my Autistic son. I feel so alone at times, my life only matters to my son, then I feel he deserved to be part of a big family. Its horrible having no family more than having no close friends. I guess one has fueled the other. Most people have someone.
Best conversation ever. And I say it knowing about many other conversations out there
Love the view of women being story tellers, if we can't see someone we are on a date with fitting into our "future narrative" we will say we don't want to go on a second date with them, and that's unfair to that person because we can't possibly know them. I would say fair enough, EXCEPT when it comes to values, their thoughts on topics that are super important to us, etc. Having had several really toxic, abusive relationships, I learned to quickly see traits in people that are indicative of unhealthy emotional and relational ways of being that I know won't go anywhere. Some of this is spiritual intuition, but not everyone has that. Everyone does however have their gut instinct. We just have to trust that sometimes!
Obviously emotional maturity,integrity,genuine not fake kindness,thoughtful,emotional generous etc all these things are highly valuable qualities which most of us probably want but may sometimes not feel worthy of ourselves.
We often go for the "bad boys"purely and simply because on some level we do not feel deserving of a "decent kind"or maybe the culture to some extent has told us especially as women that men who are so called "exciting or keep you keen or are emotionally unavailable"are the go to man,that being "manly"is almost acquainted with being emotionally unavailable because thats mistaken for strength".
I think when we know our worth or have found those same qualities in ourselves like emotional honestly,integrity,kindness etc then we are more likely to look for those same qualities in another but if we do not feel worthy of time,attention,generosity etc then its hard to find a person like that.
Wonderful yes
There are genuine men, for sure. I appreciate this conversation very much AND I believe the world is ultimately a good place.
But the basics used to be: is he a good provider, will he cheat, can we grow together… Today, it feels more like is this guy a psycho? Is he going to be abusive? Is he a narcissist of any kind? Does he have big-time Mommy issues? Does his Ex or children run his life? Was that the 5th beer already? Am I going to be babysitting a big-ass Toddler till the grave?
Sad but true, not to mention Peter Pan Syndrome, the little boy who never grew up!
Great interview!! Love the analogies!! “Final Sale”. I just love Lisa’s questions. She thinks of perspective from all ages, circumstances, what anyone wants to know? Thanks Lisa! ❤
...also saying to people they have to be "complete people"before they ever have a relationship would basically mean that most people should not be getting involved in relationships until they're at least 30 or later.I mean just look at how many marriages and people who have mortgages and have rbought up children and held down jobs etc and are far from being complete".I mean most marriages are predicated to a large extent or codependent kind of dynamic.
Also its a big ask to expect full "completeness"as maybe just being committed to your healing and development and growth is enough and a mutual acceptance between the two of you that you are committed to that and hold each other to account,don't collude with the other to stop their growth because its easier and means you won't be "alone".
Many couples are not healthy couples depsite having grown children...how many are truely complete when tehy start out married life and kids ?!!!
I think putting less pressure on young people to be in relationship would be a good start !!! let them take time to know themselves and find out who they are,far too much pressure to hook up with whoever in order to feel validated and "normal".
Yessssssss to this comment 🙏🏻🤍💯
So happy to be here ❤❤❤love this channel am 36years single mum am learning alot each day.Stay blessed Lisa watching u from Dubai
Great questions Lisa! 🤩
Guys often pick the girl in front of them. They are not nearly as picky as women. I think they need to raise their standards some though.
Women who are in abusive relationships that take this advice are putting themselves in danger. This podcast is NOT for abusive relationships
That's what I am concerned about. I don't want to date, now in my 50s, and it be a hidden narcissist masking as a nice guy.
True! This is not about abusive relationships though. Surely where there has been abuse, time to heal is the factor not how to meet people, which is what this is about, no?
If someone is in an abusive relationship then they need to ask themselves, "Why am I staying and accepting abuse, why haven't I reached out for help or therapy to help myself make good decisions and leave an abuser?!"
Then, one can make different choices moving forward...
Clearly chill out 😂
Right! Dr Ramani was saying it’s 1 in 5 that has personality disorder :/. And, that’s statistics of people with diagnostics, most don’t go for therapy!!!
If you only watch 4 min you missed the point just past 10min the good stuff was added...the love bombers, the unhealed trauma daters, etc. This is a therapist so some very good & interesting information on why women choose who they do! And the differences between women and men in dating & relating and our values and preferences.
great info
I found this expert extremely helpful and on point.
I saw a post years ago, and this reminds me of it.
What do women need in a relationship and the list was SUPER long.
When men were asked: Men said show up naked with cold beer😂😂😂😂❤
I agree with Lori on everything except the late issue. 2 hours late on the first date with no explanation. Absolutely not. Done.
The part about setting the boundary of not wanting is a great idea. It communicates to the person your time is precious.
I'd say late without an explanation, even fifteen minutes shows a total lack of respect. Unless one is five minutes early, one is late! That's what I live by. It would have to be something pretty serious for me to be late for anything ever.
Lisa really consider developing a unique dating app with real pre-vetting features. I would certainly invest.
Lisa, you look lovely and naturally beautiful. Thank you for interviewing experts and bringing this information to women in 1 place.
I recently resumed dating again oh boy!!!! I can tell you so many men nowadays like hook up rather than real relationships! I find it funny! I just have fun . My life is more beautiful and authentic now more sleep, peace , good friends, being with a man is a hard work really it takes so much energy in woman’s body!
53:00 stay out of fear or leave out of fear... lol I'm dually talented... I stay for 3 months tops out of fear then leave out of fear LOL. She was on to something though when she said emotional maturity!!!! yessss
I think App dating depends on country you live in.
Myself, I find, since I gained weight in Menapause, men don't find me attractive. The first thing they ask for is a full body photo. The area I live in I have found I get online attention from different cultures to my own, and I don't want to date outside my culture. I have found the men on the Apps are looking for hookups, yet I'v3e been on my own for some time now, and I'm hoping for a committed long-term relationship. I wouldn't say I am too fussy, but I expect integrity within a person and I don't entertain swopping photos, sexting ect. I have had no success. Sometimes the conversation just dries up within a day or two, maybe because I don't do the setting, etc?? But I refuse to settle on dishonoring my boundaries .
He would never let me be friends with my ex vice Versa
Why do you keep them around? To circle back when lonely
men have just recently learned how we have been abused, and this has been going on for years .
Lisa looks so pretty in this video!
1:25:57 exactly this. That specific group of Men need to evolve to become eligible. Women aren’t settling. 😂
I’m curious Lisa. What outfit did you wear for your first date with your husband? ❤
I loved this interview as well as other ones you have in here! Love you channel. However, I feel that the title of the video doesn’t match the content. I get it that it has to be something that grabs attention, but would like to see in the content what the title promises.
Men absolutely try to change their woman. They try to Weird-Science customize her all the time.
In my 62 years of experience as a woman.. I find even in my generation. Most men are fickle when it comes to looks .
Hi how y'all doing
Bc everything is so overanalyzed everybody is single this day and age😂
Be open minded
Live in reality
After 50 women dont need men.
@jerry-mind-sky I have always been stronger than men...not physically but everywhere else. I was with a narc for my whole life. I didn't know what a whimp he was until I was free. Still stronger than him. Women don't need men...men need women..
1:25:52 how would you vet these so called “growth mindset” ppl, from wishy-washy, and the dreamers, for example?
No one understands re-la-tion-ships. Is it even a word? Our goal here is to Know ThySelf ✔️💯🎤.... Until you Know ThySelf, we will blame others and therapists will think they were really taught something in school. School can be helpful if we are not constantly trying to diagnose meanwhile projecting our own hidden behaviors on others. We all need Inner Guidance to help us....😊😊😊.... Universal Energies ✔️💯....Please help US😮
Wow
WOW Lisa! You keep outdoing your show with every guest and topic. Dating is such a science! Its no wonder relationships have been a revolving door of partners and multiple divorces. Its Not just romance and butterflies gotta look deep under the bonnet. I am always grateful for the experience, which has exposed me to all these deep thought provoking topics. ❤
Porn is to blame and all the sex addiction in predominantly men.
lol, 300 things
0:47:25
01:04:48
It's not that I don't want to work together because I was all in it to collaborate and I already promised to work together because we had a project together but now I got a big impact and the reason for that is if you wanted something serious so we can work together you wouldn't put our information online like anyone who wants to work with someone for something serious it wouldn't have all these impacts and it's like when you tell someone to give you time to think you shouldn't be posting stuff to blame them all my problems are the reason why it's the voices online that's the problem and you also put people against me and I know that person well and one thing is that I have no worries I wanna collaborate with you but there are some problems that caused it and this is not kids game even when I you put a good dission put it online and it's a problem and that goes for everything thank you for the voice information for a relationship to work a friend can't be leading it
men don’t care anymore !!!
Lisa, I stopped listening 4 minutes in. This therapist is blaming women basically. It’s cringe.
She’s painting men as these easy going, simple creatures and women as complicated and difficult.
Women are just more savvy these days and have been abused. Don’t blame a woman for picking up on cues when they meet a new guy.
Unfortunate for you as things got more interesting and insightful, this is a good therapist who shared some very valuable information into dating & relating.
Disagree totally she is a fabulous teacher here what a gift thank you
Women hate looking into a mirror that reveals too much. That's what therapists tend to do with women.
Friends with ex's getting called a green flag 🚩 yikeeessss 😅 there is a different level of validation, bias, and access that comes from someone you share an intimate history with... Hard pass. I don't want my future partners to have unnecessary reasons to feel insecure or unsafe. 😂
I wish there was a slightly agree
Thank you! I had to leave a guy because he insisted on keeping exs in his life. Then called me jealous when they would still talk to each other. Not to mention he constantly trauma dumped on me about their relationship.
I can't date longterm if she's not rich like Rihanna
they speak way too fast even on 0.75 speed
I finally figured out what was bothering me about this podcast. I’m a therapist of 30 years, but I don’t do couples counseling because I’m not good at it. However, the thing that strikes me about this ipodcast is that there is an assumption that everybody coming into a relationship has the same power And opportunity in society. This is just not true and it absolutely impacts relationships and peoples behavior in them. I think it’s irresponsible to not tell everybody when getting into a relationship that you need to be able to financially support yourself and that may involve a prenup. Things and people change that you didn’t see or plan for with 50% of marriages ending in divorce. I’ve worked with too many women who agreed to be stay at home moms and then their husbands leave them and they are in deep trouble. Talk about your money arrangements but ALWAYS be prepared for them to change.
Cuz a guy is going to go to therapy for dipping his stick lol...please.
Men are not simple people at all. They are the most complex people on this earth.
... And Women aren't?? LOL & I am a Woman!
Most men are idiots when it comes to healthy communication, and a successful relationship/marriage. This is from a man telling me this.