How Borderline Sees YOU (Intimate Partner)
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- čas přidán 19. 05. 2024
- Borderline's POV (point of view) is the outcome of her internal dynamics, especially the compulsive need to approach and then avoid you.
Here is how she sees you:
APPROACH
You are my world and life
You will save me from myself and from others
Everything is meaningless without you
You are a stable rock
You stabilize my moods and regulate my emotions, with you I feel safe and whole (completed)
I will give my life for you (self-sacrificial)
I am bad and evil (bad object) but with you I feel good and worthy because you accept and love me as I am
AVOIDANCE
I am overwhelmed by pain owing to your rejection and abandonment (often projected and anticipated): you are not protective, you don’t care, you found someone else to take my place, You are disloyal, You are looking for alternatives
Dissociation (amnesia, auto-pilot depersonalization, derealization)
I have to do something, anything to hurt you and then regain your love
You want me dead, shackled, only yours, to disappear into you
You have changed, You blame-shift, I am the victim
You guilt-trip
You are not self-aware: You are self-destructive and you want to drag me with you
You are just after my sex, looks
Paranoid ideation, persecutory object: You lie, deceive, and cheat, You are out to get me, You entrapped me, You never mean what you say, You gaslight me, You hate me while I love you self-sacrificially, You humiliate me and shame me, you are malicious
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I wonder how many people are here because of my ex.
I am borderline and all my ex narcisists....
@@amarcrear5879 Nah, narcissists won't bother watching videos like this. We nons watch coz we're left so confused.
@@SunShine_sublimetook me s whole ass year to understand that rollercoaster
@@brknsh6689 Good for me, it wasn't a full year, yet. But I'm so much better now.
@@brknsh6689 I'm so sorry to hear that. I understand how it made you feel. Good for me it wasn't one whole year, but the pain was just excruciating.🥺🥹
I am very damaged from my BPD girlfriend. I do not want another relationship for a long time. My ability to trust has been destroyed - which may ultimately be a good thing since I think I trust a little too much and too quickly anways.
My advice to anyone dating a BPD: get out now. It is a roller coaster of misery, frustration, and pain. I don't care if they are getting "treated," leave and find someone who you don't have to "fix." I absolutely hate my ex with every fiber of my being. She is evil and I will never be the same. No person on this Earth has ever been as awful to me as that woman.
RUN
I understand how you feel. I was with a BPD woman 8 1/2 years. Crazy... Changed me too.. I can spot BPD/NPD quick... can't find a healthy woman.
my ex wife had bpd, I will never get into a long term relationshit again. Save yourself and get out before it ruins you, you'll most likey never trust another woman again.
Go slo, bro. You got this. It is a severe mindfuxk, but you are stronger.
Same here..i had 2 years on the rollercoaster, but there was a million beautiful memories and she really loved me, actually tried to save me from herself sometimes, but you know how it is? Bpd always win...
Victim mentality, and you can be the same. Or different but better, since you learned and grow
I am not going to say anything revolutionary here but, spending any amount of time with a borderline (male in my case) is nothing short of a soul-crushing experience. I hope and pray I will never again experience such a train wreck of a situation in this lifetime. He changed me and my view of people and relationships forever.
I have the same view has you after being with a bpd woman for three years. Wow. It’s crazy what they leave in there wake.
In my opinion, hoping and praying are ways that we relieve ourselves of our own responsibility for our well-being and fosters a victim mentality. It's great you were able to escape but remember the old adage: "fool me once, shame on you..." You have the power to make sure you never end up in a similar situation.
I too will never be the same. They can make you feel lows you thought impossible
@@jennykelter9518 I agree that I had a role to play for sure. I was very sad and lonely at the time and I ignored the red flags of which there were plenty. That's pretty much everyone's story, isn't it? I used the term 'hope and pray' for a bit of a dramatic effect but truthfully, I suppose I do hope and pray to be able to hold firmer boundaries and exercise more self love should I ever come across a cluster B individual again. Many lessons were certainly learned.
@@DynaSpy yes I agree with you fully. Hope and pray is just the term I used to express my hopes that I would be wiser and more alert should I ever come across a similar situation again. Holding up boundaries and self-love are everything. Sam has some really powerful videos on self-love here on the channel.
The borderline has no middle ground, it's a fuckin nightmare, especially when they lie to your face
They lie to your face, you point out the lie with factual proof, they somehow twist it releasing any responsibility, deflecting by bringing another conflict, I've noticed the most skilled subtly toss this back as your fault topped with a character insult.
It's like you've just watched your child steal sweets and you call them out ...they will completely deny, deny deny.
Losing the BPD IS the win!
The mixed signals, push and pull dynamic will put you in a state where your needs always come last.
You blink twice and the borderline sees abandonment and rejection 😅
Maaaaaybe
Going through this right now. He twisted what I said and now says I broke up with him, when in reality he broke up with me. There is absolutely no reasoning with him.
any comment about you or your looks makes you defensive or insecure.
Even breathing triggers abandonment.
Dating one for six months was the biggest roller coaster of my life. Threats of withholding sex, intimacy, one day you’re in heaven and the next you are ‘using’ them. It was an experience I never want to live again.
Holy crap, same here, 6 months.. but she was also a heavy liar, but I still love her and its hard to move on
Just got out of one for a year, now she wants to come back. I still love her, too. We must stay strong
100% I was with one for 5 years, been crimson capsuled since.
@@flynnryder7798 I hope you stayed diligent in your resolve, No matter how much you love her don't take her back.
I'm never putting myself through anything like this again. It's not worth it.
I just came out of a 16 year on and off relationship with a diagnosed severe borderline male. We broke up and stopped speaking less than a month ago, as yet again his fear of engulfment caused him feel that "no matter how much he loved me, he could not be in a relationship as he felt suffocated and smothered." In just two weeks after we stopped speaking, he "fell in love" with someone else, yet again, and is in another relationship.
This man destroyed my life in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. It is as though my soul has been skinned alive. They will parasite off of you in ways you never knew were even possible.
Yes it will all start off like a damn fairy tale, but it will not last, it is hell waiting to errupt. They simply use up all your love in order to validate their distorted sense of self, or rather, their lack of self, by constantly draining you for attention. Once you give too much, the fear of engulfment will take over, causing them to run. Soon after they will find their next victim, if they hadn't already.
Perfect. Another caretaker.
That will keep him occupied. Now and then the new partner may fail him and he will reconnect with you out of the blue and as transformed as he needs to be to lure yoy back into destruction as per usual.
😂
Fully convinced my ex has BPD. He would call me like 10 times a day for no particular reason. If I didn't respond to him right away, he would start acting like I didn't care about him. He would say things like "Thank you for showing me my worth." He didn't like that I was an independent woman with my own life and my own friends. He sarcastically told me to focus on my goals, friends, work, "individual life" like it was a bad thing. He wanted to be the center of my life. Would get mad when he tried talking to me and I was absorbed in my work. If I ever was in a not-chatty mood he always assumed something was wrong or would ask me what was on my mind. Wanted to know how I was feeling and what I was thinking every moment of the day even when I told him I was just tired or bored or lazy. He would break up with me and then beg for me back as if I was the one that ended the relationship. Constantly would push me away and then when he felt like I really was about to leave or be done with him, he would apologize profusely and try to make it up to me. It was a rollercoaster ride and we only dated for 6 months.
The fact that its not even a conscious decision to test the limits/loyalty may be the saddest part.
This is the part that is breaking me, I have a child with my EUPD/ BPD and I know understand our relationship and the confusion and feelings of resent meant have now changed to a longing to ge able to help her find a way to beat the anxiety, the depression, the aggressive out burst, I wish there was a cure for our sons sake and so one day she could feel happy to be loved
@@garethbowyer1463 i wish you the best. As a BPD, I can say that we really do long for love and stability. Just so easily dysregulated.
I was diagnosed with BPD, I have been stable for seven years. I have been upset but not like I used to. I have learned to self-regulate. I no longer feel scared or upset at the thought of my partner leaving me.
Just like normal people upset.
What did you do to get there?
My boyfriend is what our counselor says is the most extreme form, raging bpd. He wants help and is willing to do so. Can you tell me how you were able to balance? Thank you.
I've heard that DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is helpful and has helped many with BDP, the person needs to be willing to try it though
BPD goes away in your 30s
A loyalty test is spot on! The absurdity of testing your loyalty by expressing disloyal behaviour is real. I started ignoring her because it would be a neverending story, and I need to heal myself.
I have BPD I watch and read things all the time to try n get control of this and the accuracy of the things you are saying made me tear up. The "save me from myself". 😮💨
It's only unbearable if the normal person can't learn to understand the bpd person. All relations take effort. 23 years into learning. I'm fine. She's fine. We all have issues.
Finally someone who understands and explains my borderline relationship... Wow blown my mind....
I’m waking up from the matrix of borderline/narcissistic parents. My whole life I’ve been trying to either save them from themselves or save them from others. I tried to give myself multiple personalities as a child. I am living with my Dad after having a psychotic/amnesia break when I realized I had no idea how to create a healthy life and was surrounded by borderlines and narcissists with no concept of any self efficacy or self compassion. My Mom was exactly what you are talking about. She got my Dad to borrow 1.5 million against my inheritance and kept me from ever working or knowing about how to live in the world. I am on my 15th try to break free of my family. I do have no memories and have depersonalization. I have lived in terror, not understanding after every treatment center I tried for healing I ended up back home to be retraumatized and go into freeze mode or caretaker mode. I was mistakenly terrified of myself and the world, I never even wondered if my parents were okay or not. I only knew their behavior and had no concept that other people were not like them or that I was safe to be in the world. I am hoping with google and learning everything I wasn’t allowed to know while growing up. I have been gaslight, controlled and terrified my whole life and always “the problem”. I don’t enjoy my narcissistic family or their control and neediness. I’m hoping this time I can learn how to live in reality, as my Dad has no grasp of it.
26:50 "Now I know that you truly love me" but you forgot to add, that when this realization happens, they leave you again brutally in limbo because they now know they can comeback whenever they please. Then they re-approach you again to soothe their anxieties then leave you again and the cycle repeats over and over again until one of you dies or you (the codependent) chooses to stop it. My exBPD actually said when she was devaluing and starting to split, that she didn't want to start "the cycle". I had no clue what she meant at the time but she was referring to this. And yes, it did begin some months after the discard. She's hoovered me dozens of times but I chose to walk away.
Well done. Don't look back. You have been hacked, like withdrawing from substance abuse. You need time.
All that money exchange with failed results and all I had to do to understand what was happening was to watch a ten minute video. Wow. Thank you for your work Dr, Vaknin.
This guy is incredible! Had me on the edge of my seat. Best description of an intimate relationship with a borderline that I've ever heard or read. Mine ostensibly ended 30 years ago, but it's not over, it occupies my mind for hours each and every day. In that end phase, she stated cheating on me with a teenager (we were around 32 - 33) and had him ram my car at a high rate of speed with his pickup truck. I understand this action more now after hearing this talk. She sometimes calls herself "the bad seed". We had a child together, so perhaps that helped chain us together.
As diagnosed bpd, reading most of the comments here. I truly understand why a lot of partners need to detach. you don’t deserve living w/ someone having negative volatile and unstable behaviour. even if it’s almost impossible to control the splitting of our emotion, it is not an excuse to hurt people and we are very aware of that. 😔
It’s all a journey, some of us are caretakers and truely wanted the best for the other.
For the record, I loved her regardless of how she treated me and still treats me poorly.
not all of you are aware of it, sadly ... my ex being fucking aware of it, and willing to work on handling it with me was the only thing i wanted.
I only wanted accountability.. is that too much ?
I am broken ...
Thank you, there are alot of borderlines who are always angry but love you and never cheat and lie to you. The people here who are commenting seems like they had a NPD partner @@v12vanquish
@@FelixPutzborderline suffer much abuse from narcissists in their life also so in order for her to do so shed have to give up everything she is thst protects her very being from that and cant help being so. Its her survival instinct. And survival trumps everything for all life on earth. Even her love for you. So yeah you kind of are expecting too much unfortunately.
Accountsbility for a borderline may end in such self shame she commits suicide. Do you want that too?. If so hold her to account and live with that for the rest of your life.
She is broken too and as much as you think your love can change that it is highly unlikely.
WOW!!! That is the last 14 years of my life with a Borderline husband. I sent a text saying I need to get off this rollercoaster to save myself. Cheated on 2x, verbally abusive, drugs, alcohol, threat of suicide. He finally moved out and I'm doing as little contact as possible. Worst part, I dragged my biological kids into the mix. I hate what it did to them. I'm so sad for what I thought we had all these years but I knew something wasn't quite right. After putting him in rehab in 2019 he was officially diagnosed with Bipolar 2 AND BPD. I wish I had seen this video years ago.
I completely understand. I did the same thing
Similar.
Sorry for all you went through.
Look at this way... we now have all this new knowledge ... we'll be on alert and can also help others.
You are so dead on!!! My ex-bf has this and acted EXACTLY every word you said! He's in prison now for 10 yrs. People with Borderline please get DBT therapy before you act out and you end up in trouble too.
The worst thing of being in a relationship with a borderline, is when you don't know they are, they are not diagnosed, now that I know it makes the whole difference, thank you so much for sharing all this info, he is an ex now, thanks God
Wife went off of her prozac without any guidance or supervision. Weeks later took a protective order out against me. Filed for divorce. Told everyone who will listen I was abusive for 14 years. Almost 4 months went by before she asked me to meet. Told me when we met that I wanted the divorce that she filed for.... splitting, discard, hoovering, projection.... I just miss my dogs and home and wife tbh. Merry Christmas everyone.
@@darrenfreeman9139 sounds tough my dude. If no one has told you this recently, you're a good man.
@Darren Freeman pull the eject button, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life too short to be with someone who makes you feel miserable. I was like that too, it was really hard to leave her but Def worth it in the end. There is nothing noble about lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. Wish you and kids the best. Advise to reach out to your family and friends for support, tell them all (to hell with pride)embrace all help as it is very difficult leaving them, especially with kids as was also my case too but it all worked out
@Darren Freeman my pleasure the hardest part for me was baring it all to my family, my naked moment where I didn't hide anything, and really was a cathartic experience and was overwhelmed by support that I didn't expect I would get. You are not alone, leaving a borderline is a very harrowing experience but worth it. One of the hardest things I did in my life but was the right decision not only for myself but for my child as well.
@@darrenfreeman9139Darren, your words are heartbreaking. This needs to stop. She needs to be stopped. Quite frankly, get a backbone and make her life hell. Why are you in love with this bitch? That is the question. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why is your self esteem so low? Get fucking rid of her!
Some of you guys have seriously been through some shit man. You're extremely strong to have even survived these situations. I'm struggling in FAR less difficult circumstances
So in other words, these people are crazy.
People are people
Hands down the best description of a borderline I've ever heard. Sam, the work you provide for others gives , identification , a feeling a understanding and .. Well.... Just, thank thank you.
I fully agree that this was the best description I've ever heard.. yeah, thank you so much Sam.
39 year marriage . 5 kids / 4 grandkids . Finally gained courage to walk away . Must he the most codependent guy on earth . It never changes . It never improves . Just a sad story of 2 young lovers
Thanks for sharing.
Man after 20 years of marriage all been said and done... I'm breaking free of the trauma bond with her 😢
@@joeshmoe12301230 I just left an 8-year relationship myself and it was total hell for me and it seriously warped my brain for so long. I finally left the apartment we had and it forced her to relocate. She is also an addict, so she hit the streets and now she is a prostitute and does a ton of meth and she calls me in emergencies saying she was robbed or lost or whatever and I just tell her stop calling me and get in recovery.
16 years here man. Give credit to yourself. You don't make it this many years without some serious effort and tenacity.
Professor, every word you said it was every piece of her image. You gave me the last piece of clarity that completed my puzzle of dots connection
Ok, finally feeling good about my bpd breaking up with me out of the blue last night (and already moved on weeks ago). Just figured it out this morning. This disorder (and the fact that he doesn't even know he has it or is curious to look) is still, so unbelievably draining on top of the breakup, itself. Like a horror film.
Really says something about me for staying as long as I did. Thank you for these videos, I really wish I’d found them sooner. looking forward to getting back to myself.
I left him at the beach yesterday after he had a huge meltdown because he asked me to hold the dog while he went to the car. I had the dog lead in my left hand and taking photos of my daughter flying a kite with my right hand. He came back screaming how incapable I was. That was the last time he would do that and get away with it. I packed my stuff and drove away. It was a long time coming, physically and emotionally tired of the games. For the first time I walked away and left and I didn't feel any remorse.
The vortex I got sucked into being the FP of a Borderline was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life, it required police intervention and court orders to finally keep her away. No contact now 4 months and my life has completely changed and I feel great again. When a BPD woman tells you of this diagnosis my only advice is run as fast as possible. Like Sam said , intense ups and great sex but CRAZY lows and insane fights with extreme violence. Be wary
I was in a relationship with a bpd/npd woman, and im bpd myself. Holy hell the emotions, ups and downs, so intense. And yes, amazing sex. But the amount of emotions make it impossible. She was emotionally and physically abusive
Hey Patrick, I am in the same exact boat as you: required the police to keep my ex away. It was an awful experience having someone I loved arrested and charged to keep them away. Also 4 months no contact. Getting a lot healthier but also miss her everyday. Feel free to message me
This is like what I'm going through now. I had to have the police remove her from my apartment because she wouldn't leave. I sent a cease and desist from a laywer and she started harassing the lawyer. She is sending me really rude button pushing emails and blind carbon copying my gym and who knows who else. I always have notes and random things on my car. To her this is all normal and she seems to have no idea this is harassment and stalking. I'm not sure if she will stop until I press charges.
Run is the right advice
... Not just sex was great, everything was great what we did together, she said to me she got bpd on the first date, and she really loved me, but it doesn't matter how much we're in love and i helped her, she pushed me away after 2 years of ups n downs...now i think i will never love anybody ever again...
I have text messages from my ex that are almost word for word exact what Sam says they say… it’s freaking crazy!
It's kind of ironic. It's their child like, eyes wide, fun loving attributes that suck you in initially. Then, you realize that it never stops. At first, it makes you feel full of life and takes you back, but it never turns off for them. You then become the parent and it's not so fun anymore. "Where were you all night?". "Why didn't you come home?". "You booked a hotel room and went on a trip with your ex-husband to see a concert and didn't tell me?!?"... You realize how needy they are. You are then always trying to be on stage to placate them. Everything revolves around them and one day you wake up and realize that you've lost yourself and only live to keep them happy. Because if you don't keep them happy they will make you miserable. When you push back and try to set boundaries, you are evil. This is usually when they start to physically assault you or, in my case, start punching you in the face. They call the police on you when you never struck back and simply tried to leave.
It will only escalate with these types. I know it's hard to leave, but please, please, listen to your gut and listen to Sam, he knows what he's talking about. They will only gaslight and rewrite history. EVERYTHING will be your fault. You can never please these people.
Also, don't fall for the hoover. I've been hoovered. She told me her new boyfriend is "perfect" and then talked about us getting back together one day and said how she wanted to "snuggle" with me one last time. I was disgusted. She did the same thing to me. That call (1 of 3 calls) is her cheating on her current BF, the same she did with me. They NEVER change.
Find your strength and RUN away!
Your description is SO SAD but so helpful to understand what the bpd is.
Thank you
run forest, run!
Thank you both for sharing your absolutely heartbreaking stories. I have BPD and I wasn’t aware of it for a long time, i’m not proud of most things i’ve done but i’m very proud of how much effort i’m putting into myself these past few years to change, heal & grow. I would hate to hurt my most valued relationships, I’m sad to say I have but I try to look at the positive and practice daily radical acceptance.
My bpd can be taxing on my partner and can get in the way of a lot of things, but for what it’s worth I’m sorry you both went through every soul shattering experience that you have and I hope you’ve found some peace in your lives and being, some way to grow and prosper.
Bless you all
You are talking about a sick person, if it were real love you wouldn't abandon her
I may be a little late, but maybe you could respond to me. You quoted them by :„ you booked a hotel room and went on a trip with your ex-husband to see a concert and didn‘t tell me?“ . My question is, if you did as they said in this statement, do you think that is appropriate to do so? I am not defending them, i am genuinely curious about your thoughts about going with an ex lover into a hotel, over night, alone. I personally wouldnt tolerate it, but you seem like you find it normal? I would appreciate it if you could invite me into your thinking process! Thanks
My ex would constantly pull away from me and blame me for abandoning her. It started with her losing it when she told me she had just broke it off with someone else early into the dating process and I told her I was talking to girls on dating apps but not going on dates. She constantly accused me of still being in love with my ex gf who I had dumped and not talked to in over a year. We once had a debate about something frivolous and she decided to call an uber and ditch me at the bar and told me we were just friends. So when I walked away back to my car without her she told me "I abandoned her on the street". When I told her that I watched porn from time to time she said I had cheated on her in my head for the entirety of our relationship and broke it off with me. Meanwhile looking back I now know that she had been sleeping with a guy she told me was just a friend. She continued to hoover me for 5 more months and lied to me about seeing someone else. Worst experience of my life.
Mine was much the same , I got accused of loving some chick we both grew up with that I hadn't seen in 24 years lol . But I constantly had to hear about guys at work who she obviously liked and one who "had a crush on her" and wanted her to show him around MT. where we both grew up . Like no problem honey you go on a trip with a guy who wants to fu*ck you I'm sure he has innocent plans lol , Guys in coffee shops and grocery stores " flirting " with her it was maddening cause she claimed I was he love of her life but it seemed she wanted monogamy from me but on her side she could do whatever she pleased .
nothing clean about you either. red flags all over. not made for each other n both are broken n wrong in some way.
Run like hell. Your sanity is at stake here.
That's so sad. We broke up (she dumped me actually without any clear reason) after 4 months and since I know shes got diagnosed bpd I feel so, so, sorrry for her. So much sorry. One, because she cannot control herself and does stupid things (thus losing her life). Two, because I'm aware of that, yet cannot help her. So sad.
Dude run for your life I spend 2 years with one and she dumped me without no reason too.I neally killed myself.
@terminator8771 when your mind says "no", but your heart says "yes". Me, like many other guys, felt attached to the girl without any notice, within a blink of an eye. You don't even realise when that happened. Then, slowly, you realised it's all up to no good. Yet, somehow you miss her around you, lol. What a stupid thing.
But yeah, WE are never going to BE.
Appreciate your comment. Time to take care of ourselves.
nobody could have said all these better! such an accurate description! you said it all exactly as it truly is! im speachless. thank you!
Everything you said is perfectly spot on with every point that I have gone through with my BPD spouse. Like you said, it is a lose/lose situation for someone that is in a relationship with a BPD. I finally learned this is the case after 15 years. It has gone full circle and I am now actively legally separating from her, and will soon thereafter divorce her. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster, and the cart I rode in was made of eggshells. My sanity and physical health has been depleted to such an extent I have nothing left to give to my personal happiness, let alone the relationship. I am looking forward to a day when I am no longer riding that rollercoaster of BPD drama.
I hope you recover, it will take time, but you can do it. Your confidence will slowly return, after the pain eases.
This is the story of my life. This is my reality on a daily basis. I am married to this woman being described. The pain is unbearable. Thank you prof. for making a sense out of this relationship conundrum.
This couldn't come at a better time. My therapist is convinced my ex has BPD. And she definitely shows the traits, is on mood stabilizers and an antidepressant. Anyway after spending time and effort being insulting cruel and mean to get me to get out of her life, she called me at 5 am this morning over and over again and cried when I answered. She literally only ever considers her wants and needs and never mine. I don't need that shit anymore. Like really, you can't send a text saying you're sorry??? Is it that difficult to do? These people have zero accountability and NEVER apologize.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I'm sorry for your experience. Choose yourself. Move on.
Honestly, if your therapist is diagnosing others based off of only what you tell them, they're not a good therapist
@@burple54 My thoughts exactly. And it's not like their going to be telling the therapist about the good side.
When my ex came back after the first discard and tried to apologize for the rotten things she did hoo!boy , Trying to get a real heartfelt apology was like trying to pull teeth from a coked up wolverine lol . They just want to walk back in without doing any work .
Nailed it !
You just described my 20 year marriage with my ex; once I finally left her, she spiralled out of control, and is now facing life in prison.
Wow, what happened if you don’t mind me asking? Crime of passion?
@@NkNk-vg8fc Ludmila Auclair, Oshawa Ont
Wow…
This isn't just a lesson on bpd, but a vocab lesson as well. The amount of words i have to look up listening to the doc 😅
That was the spookiest rendition of the last three and a half years of my life I could have possibly contrived in the heat of some prophetic fever dream producing my soul's magnum opus.
Thank you sir, for your participation and familiarity with the masks and the modes of this round of dances.
You've gotta love Prof Sam Vaknin. It's not just the lyrical choice of words and expression that sink into your heart, but of all the hundreds (maybe not that many) of videos I've watched on doctors speaking about these topics, this is the first where they are sipping on a glass of red while at the same time so accurately and perceptively describing some of the most painful and traumatic problems people are facing in relationships. Awesome video! Thank you!
Thanks professor Vaknin, your videos make me realise that I'm not crazy and that I see the things that happened in my relationship with my ex girlfriend correctly. It was an intense relationship and it only lasted a year but thkse breakdowns and fights were really heavy. At one point we had fights almost every night (with fights I mean that she would scream, cry and sometimes hit me while I did everything I could to stay calm and tell her how much I love her). After we broke up she met a guy within 3 weeks and after 2 months they were together. She sometimes tries to make contact with me and that is really difficult because I really hoped that she would find peace and a really happy relationship. I don't think that she will find a happy relationship as long as she doesn't actively engage in therapy.
The exact same thing will happen with her next boyfriend.its a cycle all throughout their life.
Prof Sam Vaknin you are a genius, really appreciate your wisdom. You have a great way of explaining things, crazy how accurate you described my last relationship with a borderline where I am grateful everyday for having escaped and made me have a renewed lease on life. Chag Sameach
you put this so amazingly. its so hopeless. i needed to hear it.
Its almost scary how accurate this was.... great job portraying this crazy making dynamic
Having been with someone who had BPD this is all accurate and I hope anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has BPD gets out. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM, no matter what your conscience tells you, it CANNOT happen
Still there are BPDs who finally find a loving partner ? What's your take ?
@@jaisonstanley it’s only a matter of time before they default back to their usual ways and manipulate their partner and become incredibly toxic. It’s not just a rough patch in their life and it’s temporary, people with BPD have a permanent disorder, they will always be like this because even they themselves believe that there is nothing wrong with them. It’s incredibly hurtful having gone through it first hand and I’d never wish that torture on anyone else.
@@yungwaco thank you. this is life saving for those experiencing the abuse right now. I wish you recover and find a loving partner soon. I also wish the BPD reqlizes her problem and work on it.
@@yungwacoI know there's something wrong, urges to act out be hella crazy tho 😂
BPD fixes itself though… most BPD cases clear up in their 30s.
I’m very happy with the self development and mental and emotional mastery I have been able to do these past couple years that have put me in a position to be able to help my significant other whiling understanding and protecting myself, not relaying into my emotions all the time is hard but the fruits have been worth it in the end, all is love
I think I was rejected by a Borderline Woman in November after intensive contact for the whole year (she knew how I felt). Tried friendship after that, now feel like being worthless for her. Can be happy If she even answers anymore. From one day to another I wasnt interesting anymore. Everything was fake. A year of emotions for NOTHING.
Had the same thing going on for some months. Looking at other people's experience, we were lucky. Gotta fix our codependecy now, luck doesnt last..
Same, but it was only 3 months long distance. She ghosted me the day before we were supposed to meet (I was attending a conference in her city). She reached out a few weeks ago after 4 months of no contact with some BS apology and was gone again as quick as she "came back".
Spot on discription of what I experienced from my first wife who was diagnised as a BP.
My Mom would say she didn’t say what she said, then I’d run after her to make sure she was okay and she would be smirking in her bed reading a book.I got so many calls of her freaking out that everyone hated her or to remind me that I was horrible and needed to be more loving towhichever abusive boyfriend that I had been entrapped into. I could never save her, I have decided I do not want to die for my Dad. She did and I’m so over his neediness and keeping me hostage for 3 years, while I got him through two emergency surgeries for his back that he caused. I was always the scapegoat yet this time I was helped to become aware of what gaslighting is and how badly I was being treated. The biggest thing my therapist taught me was that other people are not all like this. I had no idea as I was never allowed my own friends, boundaries or any self efficacy or skills. I would really like stability but am afraid of my abandonment melange and ptsd. I at least understand the flashbacks and how I could grow up with no sense of safety in being good at things. If I ever got any love or affection both my parents would have to harm me or give away my pets or my favorite things.
Sweet heart, I truly hope you have your own pets, now. Pet therapy is real as a heart attack! Lol. I likely wouldn't be here without our more fair people-kind's best friends.
Oh Sam, thank you, for the, uhm, Christmas poetry. I was looking forward to it. "I like the mirror, when it is you", echoes from somewhere, far away. Thank you for sharing, again, very vivid imges of the psyche. Have good Holidays, like any other days.
Thank you Sam, your insights allow me to acknowledge my part & her part in a relationship with a borderline
This meshes 100% with what I've experienced from someone. I thought it was a crazy unique situation
Impressive, and touching. Thanks, Sam.
WOW.. que manera más increíble de narrar esta dinámica… 🤯
Wow. Everything that was said, applies to my Husband. 😮 Great video!
I have suffered from BPD undiagnosed for so long and miraculously have been able to improve myself a lot partly due to facing the consequences of my actions and partly due to having something in me that wants to be better than this. But it's still so hard I'm finally learning how to be less clingy and dependent on people but this seems to have made self harming behaviors and thoughts worse for me. Hoping to get help soon.
Same
you are a guy
Hat off to for your self awareness! You are already way ahead in your healing journey! May the gods be with be you!! ❤️
Me too !!! I’m pretty certain I have this illness aswell. Since a little less than a year back I had an enormous epiphany after a crisis about how the way I live isn’t fulfilling or sustainable in the long run. Lifes true essence is mostly about other people and sustaining healthy relationships. It’s about calmness and thinking ahead and thinking in detail about how small actions affects a great deal (other people and earth). Although, I’m still not ”cured” (if there is such). Instead I derealized and depersonalized (so scary) since the ”lack of” intense emotions created an enormous emptyness in me. Today I consider myself stable in comparison to before. But I can still miss the intensity of how it used to feel.
I’m waiting for my BPD-evaluation. I wanna be better. Mostly for the people I care about, and sometimes for myself too.
@@drmontano941450/50% rate in most clinical studies, so yea guys have it.
Women get: Beautiful Princess Disorder
Men get: Bros Punching Drywall
Oh man, this describes my sister exactly. And I've been living in this relationship pattern with her as long as I can remember. And I've observed these patterns in her marriage. She's now divorced and her life is falling apart. She can't find a job, (well, really, is refusing to look for a job due to her entitlement) and her house is about to go into forclosure. It's heartbreaking to see. And I feel helpless to help her. 😩 She is living in the destruction and chaos of her impulsive decisions as if it's normal, which I cannot understand and am unable to make her see.
Thank you, rationalizing always helps me a lot, and this analysis is so sharp and understandable. The thing is, I got deeply involved in her and her emotional world, fell in love, and at times became co-dependent. This has left me with a personal split afterward, tinted something: a contradiction in my own rational thinking, which simply finds many of her actions disturbing, at best selfish or rude (lies, manipulation, egocentrism, constant victimhood, etc.), but i feel her soul is pure and joy also. Now these conflicting feelings remain, wanting nothing to do with her anymore and yet still feeling absurdly close emotionally with memories of fun and vitality. Bringing these thoughts and feelings into harmony requires a lot of energy and patience. The answer is simple: one is not responsible for this person like for one's child and also has no power and usually no opportunity to truly help them, but it takes enormous strength to remain consistent with oneself and not let go of this truth in any contacts or emerging thoughts. And simply accepting the experience in all its shades without wanting to repeat it, one doesn't even have to classify it as black or white, as the Borderliners themselves do. I don't even know, if the challenge is ok to dive in and life another chapter with other circumstances. They are fascinating, aren't they? (and inmy case she was no extreme type of acting out, but the rollecoaster was fast my friends)
How did Patti Smith sing it? "People have the power!" So don't be afraid of your pain, accept it or get over them, we all can do it.
Hey Sam, have watched this one several times, at prime of my life 17-21 old, have to give up on her, everything was exactly what you said
Felt forsaken, the shared fantasy was all hers, 47 years later
I am a diagnosed covert NPD who is in therapy for 3 years. At the beginning of this year, I entered a relationship with a BPD woman, also in therapy for years. Everything Sam Vaknin said in this video is absolutely true. It is a hellish and soul-crushing cycle and I do not see a way out. Every time she leaves I am stubbornly lingering on that thin line between life and suicide. In all honesty, I feel this will end very badly as I suspect that my NPD is the only thing keeping me alive after every one of her many abandonments.
I hope you can get away and stay apart.
Please help me I’m trying to figure out if my new three week partner is npd or codependent!!! I have bpd cptsd and I told him..was honest, we have insane chemistry insane sex..I’m obsesssed with him yet I hate him I tell him to leave my house time and time again yet he comes back!!! Says he ain’t going nowhere he loves me wants to marry wants me to have his baby!!! I’ve threatened him I’ve been mean..I’ve been crazy..he knows I’m crazy yet won’t go?!! Wtf is going on? 😮😂😢
Same circumstance for me however I’m a few years finished with the relationship. Your relationship will not get better, only worse, and the longer it goes, much much worse.
Ну дошли уже, нарциссов надо жалеть, оказывается😅
I'm trying to decide if i have npd or if my bpd partner has just convinced me I do.
I would love someone to talk to about it
That's how my past partners wanted me to be and it was so weird every time it became obvious. I needed my own self to be an able person separate from them while accepting them for who they were. While we each should be that secure base from the hardships in the world, as a home is a place of security, and reassurance in the form of reminders that other possibilities exist after the hardships the world brings -their extreme intentional efforts were obvious to me that they wanted to bring me to an emotional, mental, physical low-point for their own satisfaction, which I retaliated and was the reason I left them without question or hesitation.
Was everyone like that ? Were they offered a chance to explain ?
I'm like that but I swear I have BPD and y'all hinge on our abandonment when you do this 😂
I once had a borderline girlfriend, and it ended after mere three months. She was a classic borderline, a handbook case, a real nuthead, but looking back on it she didn`t hurt me deeply. I think about her with amusement now, more than with any other sentiment. The reason being, I think, that even during the honemoon period the overall experience was a little below my expectations. She didn`t manage to get me addicted to her. There was always this feeling at the back of my head that it wasn`t good enough for me.
Well done prof, thank you 👏
Amazing knowledge of this condition 🙌
Why do I love being called a baby seal by Sam Vaknin ? This can't be healthy. 🙈 Don't stop.
Because baby seals are in the hierarchy of adorable creatures 😅
🤣🤣🤣
I'm glad I'm not the only one lol 😅 When I heard it yesterday I got flushed. "Oh no, is this my new kink? 😟"
@@georgieeve2026 Right? 🙈
Baby seals get clubbed
My wife was a wacko. Borderline is wacko. My wife was a wacko borderline. I had to sleep in a room with a 2×4 holding the door safely shut just to feel safe enough to sleep. Developed stomach problems and such from stress. On our wedding day she said "now that we are married, I can be myself." She said "yer gonna need this" and handed me the book called " walking on eggshells". Pure hell. Run people run! True story.
When i was diagnosed with bpd after ten years of hospital detainment attempting suicide with overdoses of pain killers and prescribed drugs i found the books lost in the mirror and i hate you please dont leave me in my mums library. Both on borderline. Ironically enough. Good reads.
As a borderline who completed dbt i find i am just better now on my own without romantic partners. Due to my past it just upsets me too much. I dont need sex, im not asexual but i can take care of thise issies myself and prefer to. As much as it may be useful to help you with interpersonal and other personal emotional issues it couldnt fix that or do anything for me re the abusiveness and dishonesty of others either. How do you check the facts when they are purposely withheld from you i asked them. They had no answer and didnt even understand my question.
So Im more at peace alone not engaging in all that. Oddly enough.
My codependance comes in the form of being needed by friends and family and in work related scenarios. I can live without it all but not as well as with it. I dont often enjoy running around for others but it gives me meaning so i continue to do so.
@@chaos-ku4vwwow a lot of contradictions, and a lot of confusing nonsensical statements here
Side note. I'm learning a lot of new words with you professor 😊
This describes my mother so perfectly, thank you professor Vaknin for this high quality education
@A Strange One Indeed What's your mental illness exactly? I'm very curious
Edit: Maybe it's a language or communication issue, can you explain your comment further?
@A Strange One Indeed Why do you put multiple likes to your own comments while being clinically gelous of other people comments?
You know what? I don't have the will neither the competence to deal with extreme illness cases like you, you're muted from now on so I don't waste more of my time with a mental hospital type of character.
Have a nice day and a swift recovery
It was wild. Like years ago, with mine, she apologized for not getting back to me and I took that as her being normal or whatever and then the constant silent treatment came.
Even though I’ve moved on after 3 months with someone far more like me and opposite to so many of the women I’ve chased in the past I still have questions.
I was fortunate in that I had a Caribbean working vacation planned that just so happened to fall after that brutal cheating break-up and that trip helped me out a lot and then I had a cross country trip to visit family like another month after that and that helped me.
I had written out this long letter I want to send to her friend that also has BPD that has also gotten the silent treatment from her to see if she who is closer to her could answer them. Part of me just wants to be heard even if it’s not by her. Part of me is looking at the good fortune I’ve had, just enjoy it and leave all that other shit behind.
the beginning already. i had to smile and laugh. my cynism broke through. word for word my experiences in multiple rships. luckily i understand now. thanx for your work. so important.
Hahaha I really enjoy these videos, very educational. This is golden 👌👌
היי שמעון וקנין .... גאון אתה פשוט גאון! תודה על התוכן המצויין. עזרת לי מאוד!!! מסביר בצורה יוצאת דופן. הכי טוב ששמעתי עד כה. השם יברך אותך תמשיך בעבודתך החשובה.
Shmuel, not Shim’on.
My borderline wife is a pyscho.
She was able to turn everyone I know and love against me. These people are dangerous.. I recommend to run if you see or know if they have been diagnosed
I took care of my borderline mother in her later years.She was hell on wheels to deal with.I ended up with burn out.
Please do THE CODEPENDENT
@sam vaknin only recognises one type of codependent: the submerger. The other type, the self sacrificer, is the one which the bpd seeks and couples with. She seeks strength and despises the submerger in whom she sees herself.
Thank you Sam❤
Damn. This hit the nail on the head for everything I have been through for the last 8 years over and over. I thought it was progress or even change and somehow growth over time but this fueled her drug use which made everything ten times worse. I finally left.
He’s right on , unfortunately I’ve dealt with a borderline for years, everything he said and some it gives me great sorrow, and at this very moment , I wish I never met em emotionally I don’t wanna sacrifice all this , and then be left with the mental trauma
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your comment is so on point down to some of the very words hubby uses. We've been together since I was 11. I left when I was 16, got back at 29. Married 12 yrs now with 3 kids. I've been his forever FP. I'm not sure how, but our relationship works. Recently, I've started thinking that something must be wrong with me too. I now realize that there has to be a level of co-dependency involved on my part. I'm an easy going person for the most part, and now that I know he's sick, I don't most of what he says when he's splitting personally. He's my person and I'm his. I'm wondering if it's common for ppl with BPD to have 1 FP for their whole life. Thanks again for the insight into their brain.
I had a BPD best friend and business partner. I ended up insanely attached to her, felt totally responsible for her - at the same time she'd demonise and discard me.... Never experienced anything like it. I ended up completely hating myself and falling out with most of my friends who she turned against me with convincing lies. I'm still trying to process it. She did so many awful things, but I somehow became more and more attached to her. My whole life seemed to revolve around her, but we were not even a couple. I was somewhat attracted to her, although I never crossed that boundary because I could see how she treated men... But instead I ended up believing I was her guardian angel - then she'd randomly accuse me of abusing her which caused me to totally freak out. Then she'd accuse me of being mentally ill and having a meltdown. I ended up believing I was mentally ill. When she was being nice to me, I felt like a hero - when she accused and discarded me I felt almost suicidal. She would invite me to come and visit her then ghost me, and somehow blame me for it. I was constantly apologising when I'd done nothing wrong. I can't believe somebody could do that to me.
It messed with me more than any romantic relationship I had, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in an intimate relationship with somebody like that. This video is very accurate, especially regarding the man-hating. She had a habit of flirting with much older guys, getting them to fall in love with her, then humiliating them - often making accusations. I even believed her and defended her before I knew her game - I lost so many friends. When I finally called her out, she sabotaged my business, stole my customers and told people I was abusing her.
This video helps me to understand it, even though I was not her intimate partner, she still constantly did terrible things just to see if I'd still care about her. I still don't understand how I fell for it.
Wow, my story is almost identical except I was getting the full Monty so an actual relationship with these people is somethiong else. OI VAI..
You need to experience it to believe it...if you can ever wrap your mind around it. It is an astonishing, life-changing experience, and to know such people exist among us. I am no longer traumatised but I am extremely wary of every new person I meet, romantically or otherwise. Watch for the red flags, they ALWAYS come up almost immediately. The problem is people tend to ignore them unless they've been burned.
OmG. It's not true .They don't have one entimacy parthner,You are just one of them ! They change their parthner like their clothes ! Today, you are an angle, and tomorrow you will be a devil and someone else will be an angle and ...
Nice to see a friendship here, all these videos are so relationship oriented
Run!
Amazing Sam ❤🙌🏻
My ex to the “T”!
I was diagnosed for years with Ultradian Bipolar Disorder. I have PTSD & ADHD with this. I have severe mood swings with low grade psychosis, so we assumed it was a fast Bipolar Disorder.
Recently, I found out my Bipolar Disorder is actually BDP & Schizotypal Disorder, still paired with my PTSD & ADHD.
I'm glad I now have the correct diagnosis, but it scares me a lot. I have not made new friends in years, but thankfully have engaged for years.
I know something is wrong in both states and it makes me feel terrible. It hurts me a lot. I am constantly trying to find methods to prevent the switch in the first place.
Run for the hills!!! 😀
Pull push argue, hover and repeat, until the new supply in a place then discard,, then try to cycle again,
I'm seriously mind blown by how these people behave in syncing way its like they went to the same class
For real its like a friggin script they were all given , Its really spooky .
Brilliant. Thank you..
The absolute best & most accurate video about Borderlines I've ever seen. Tks Sam
Yes, from experience I agree, borderline men seem narcissistic
being with a Borderline reminds me of the process of generating AI art: you never know what exact image you will get from the prompt 😅
Prof. Vaknin , does this apply on covert borderlines then?
in addition to the 3 videos you made about covert borderlines, what is the personality disorder that is closer to covert borderline? bpd or npd? If borderlines are failed narcissists,does that make covert borderlines half of the time borderlines and the other half narcissists or borderlines with narcissistic traits? Would they benefit from CBT and other treatments like borderlines or they won’t like narcissists?
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
Five years with a male Borderline. Healing two years out. Just coming around. So glad to have escaped.
Hi, many thanks for your lectures. They are very helpful. If you have a video on the male borderline could you please direct me to it. If not, please consider doing one. It would be most beneficial. 🙏🙏🙏
Search the channel for covert borderline.
@@samvaknin Thank you.
There' no wining strategy with bpd " 😂👍👍👍
Holy shit it's scary how you describe the mechanics of my thinking and emotions. I don't even try to have romantic relationships anymore. I know how toxic it turns me, I don't want to traumatize anyone either.
BPD here. I think it's time for you to sell/design some Merch-
"I Love You. I Hate You."
"I Want to Kill You. Stay with Me."
"Don't Leave Me. You're Dead to Me".
"Get out of my Life. Stay with Me".
"You are USELESS! I Need You".
Hmmm...after this exercise ^ I guess this is where the textbooks get black & white thinking 🤔 😂.
At this point, Seroquel is probably the reason why I am still Married. He is very supportive in that understanding how this disorder works. Daily without prompt gives me reassurance & validation which I appreciate.
Also, if there's any change in his daily routine (trigger- working overtime, friends & family) he communicates very well prior & gives evidence vs springing it on me. Because of this, therapy & medication we live in a pretty constant state without extreme lows. Basically I don't act like a two year old. It's embarrassing but almost impossible to control. He seems unaffected by accommodating my feeling of security but I wonder if he hates having to do these things or if he really does it out of love.
Having this disorder I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thank you for another accurate video.