AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT & Modern Dating DOs and DONTs! (Why They Go Silent)
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- čas přidán 16. 06. 2024
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Should you ever consider going back to a fearful avoidant ex?
Why do dismissive avoidants keep reaching out without making solid plans?
And what do you do if you suddenly conclude that your partner is a dismissive avoidant?
In this episode, Thais teams up with co-host Mike Dizio to address audience questions through the lens of attachment theory. Tune in to discover whether these challenging situations can be fixed!
Let’s connect!
/ @thepersonaldevelopmen...
/ thaisgibson
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Doesn't he look like Rayan Gosling?
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Yeah, that's cuz he is Bryan Gosling😂. Ryan's older brother😂. Just kidding.😊. I don't know who he is, yet. Haven't watched this video yet.
Yeah! I agree!
I love your podcast because I'm a fearful avoidant and I want to fix it.
Finally you are getting the recognition you deserve girl. We love it!!❤❤❤
Loving these longer form podcast discussions!
Yes agreed
It was amazing to see Mike here! I loved this discussion by both of you!
This was a great talk, you two, thank you!
I'm married to an avoidant for 5 years. During our relationship he literally told me that I need to change frequently. I've never felt accepted & loved by him. Did he really love me? He said I love you million times, but I hadn't feel it consistently in his action .
Thank you so much for this conversation . Listening to this has helped me understand me FA ( be more compassionate with me) and DA's (behavior). I used to date someone that reminded me so much of me He was like a mirror of me and I didn't know to how to approach the "relationship ". Listening to both of you guys gives me a clarity in how to approach any relationships. I'm so grateful I found PDS🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻. I do value and appreciate the feedback and I don't feel so alone. I know now that I'm not broken, and I'm willing to do the work for me. Thanks guys.🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
As a fearful avoidant myself, and someone who has dated another fearful avoidant. I feel like the aspect of just pure selfishness and self preservation in the decision making process of the choices that are made is not discussed enough.
Like there’s too much coddling around that. Because despite these being rooted in childhood trauma, we are still adults. We are perfectly aware when we are hurting or harming someone. If you’re not capable of dealing with that, then just be alone! Or, do the work.
#TeamThais 😊❤️🙏
How do disorganised attachment style heal?
I have been researching the same question and cannot find anything specific for DA.
It just gets to a point where you cause so much trauma to yourself that you don't have anywhere to hide it anymore, and once you make the realization that you are doing all this out of fear of the reactions of others reflecting on your own feelings you kinda stop caring and have a healthy confrontation with them. Beware that solving the DA with some people doesn't mean you will stop fawning for others or that others won't trigger you
If it's you the FA one you'll have to work on your two main wounds, one being "I'm unworthy" and "Other's can't or won't meet my needs"
Can anxious attachment look like lovebombing/ narcissist behavior in the beginning ???
Yes! I dated an anxious attachment style. And he love bombed me in the beginning of the relationship. I don't know if he realized what he was doing.
@@robertashiver8249 then what happen? Did he lose interest or just stop the love bombing? And also are you sure he wasn’t just a narcissist?
Ad an healing FA who has dated a few AA men. They do come on strong, but it's because I make them feel safe and seen. It's nothing to do with being a narcissists, it's because they generally are very caring and loving people and want that type of care to be reciprocated to them. When I was unaware of my FA attachment, after about 2/3 months the overwhelming affection from the AA starts to feel like to much and I would pull the affection away that I was giving the AA at the beginning. This would, in return, trigger their fear of abandonment, which would cause them to switch from very caring to cold and trying to pick fights. It's not that the AA is a narcissist. It's their way (if not aware of being an AA) to get that affection back from you that you were giving at the beginning. If you fight (argue) back to them, to the AA, that means you care. It's damaging and very unhealthy on both sides. But not something that should not be taken personally. It's all unhealed wounds ❤. Please keep in mind that everyone has narcissist tendencies, but all on a different scale. This word is thrown around a lot these days.
@@kylahyland7048 thank you for this comment!
I usually date avoidants, but got in toxic relationship with a narcissist recently that it scares me now.
@@stelitamarie He is a little selfish as he stated, but that was probably due to his past marriage issues and his kids being grown. I did not return his over the top emotions due to my DA attachment issues. He kept trying for a year to make me fall in love with him. Due to his anxious attachment and my avoidant attachment, we ended it. He broke up with me by texting me because I didn't answer his phone call after an argument. Then he acted like nothing changed the next day. I reminded him he broke up with me. Then he left me alone for a few days. Then again for another few days. Then wanted to get back together. Due to me being avoidant, I was numb and told him I wasn't interested in getting back together due to it becoming a cycle and knowing it would happen again. I am working on myself now. He began dating someone else less than 2 weeks later. He continued to message me every now and then. A few months after the break up, I started feeling the hurt. But I told him we could not message anymore since she did not know about him messaging me just to keep in touch and I had to move on. They are now engaged after 8 months of dating. That said, love bombing can come from an anxious person or a narcissist. The anxious attachment person is in love with the idea they have of the other person and the idea of being in a wonderful loving relationship. They will continue to love bomb (I see it as trying to "buy" or earn that person's love). Whereas the narcissist wants to control that person and will do what they need to in order for that to happen. The narcissist will usually try to shut you out from friends and family. My ex did not do that.
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Can someone please explain
To me how as a DA I’m supposed to be a Non-DA in my personal life and in in my life independent of my family of origin and still
Interact with my extremely DA family of origin? I became a DA for a reason! They are extremely hurtful, cruel and dismissive towards me if I show up emotionally vulnerable (if I “show myself” they find it gross - seriously 😢).
How am I supposed to live this double life of where I learn to open up on one hand but am able to effectively protect myself from my family of origin’s hurtful Dismissive avoidant ways? Please help if anyone has any experience. I can’t be the only DA going through this. ✨✨✨
Imo what you need is boundaries with your family. If you're disrespected for having feelings, then you know that you shouldn't talk about it with them, that's hurting yourself at their expense. Not worth the damage.
And you can have a different attachment style with a partner/family/friends.
Do you need to maintain contact with your family? Or feel like you’re close for any reason?
I’d suggest learning to be secure in your personal life, and treat your family of origin as historical acquaintances you interact with occasionally at a surface level
And also do some research on emotionally immature parents. It'll be able to validate you /or your experiences. You can also watch videos on how to handle relationships with such people. I recommend to watch videos with Lindsay Gibson, check Patrick Teahan, Terri Cole and the crappy childhood fairy. Good luck !
@@marcwanagas1234 i come from a close knit family culture which makes it very weird for me to completely forgo them but i have reduced contact as much as possible without cutting them off entirely.
They do f up my healing journey with their harsh ways so I am trying not to see the for some years until I am more securely attached.
It is hard though to try to practice vulnerability and opening oneself up on one side which is terrifying as a DA anyways and on the other having to remember to always be rigid and to never show yourself on the other with the people you come from. Very confusing.
Obviously an inner child of mine would love to run back home and now finally “be with them” after opening up and ‘showing myself to the world’ I would like to show myself to them and finally get an approving reaction but it’s not possible.
Thanks for your comments.
@@RubyLine thanks for your kind advice. I have read the books on immature parents and do know some of the content creators you mentioned. Dealing with my family of origin is very painful because they are unable and unwilling to change their harsh ways. I’ve tried to find a way of dealing with it but I end up realizing that my way of dealing with it growing up and even today was to develop a dismissive avoidant attachment style. It gets a bad wrap but in emotionally abusive situations it is a useful defense mechanism.
It took me a year and a half to get over a very hurtful and dismissive encounter with them and to start feeling my feelings again. I have learned my lesson that I will avoid them until my healing journey is more progressed.
Just as an example I was such a model student of emotional vulnerability to them: my brother said something that really hurt me, I begs to cry (with intent to show them how I feel in real-time) and my mother ended up dismissing (what else) my tears and my hurt. They have not asked my forgiveness or apologized but have decided I’m the bad guy.
That happened last Xmas but it is also how I grew up which goes to show why I became DA. It is a brutal environment around them. Part of the reason everything is so unyieldingly rigid is that one of my parents has a personality disorder and everybody around them is trying to maintain their emotional stability at all costs.
It is a difficult place to have grown up in.
I have been trying to at least feel my feelings of total rejection in real-time ever since this painful encounter but I have noticed myself going back into denial (‘none of this really happened, you’re not really feeling that way, it’s all in your head’).
To me the hardest thing is to even develop feelings of compassion for myself as the victim in the situation. It used to be so taboo to even think of myself as a victim, I had the role of the bad guy, that I wouldn’t even have been able to ask for help because it was unfathomable that I have the right to be treated more kindly and that I was being emotionally abused.
That’s how you end up being a DA.
Thanks for your comment and my reply did become quite long but I feel I need to state some of these things to some witnesses even online to make myself realize that they are “real” and that I actually am a victim deserving of empathy.
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I find it so painful to be ghosted. It’s frightening how common it has become. Are people just expendable nowadays? So cruel.