Not if you sleep with your friends husband, and blame it on the alcohol. The shame only lasts until the next drink, the next downfall. And yet they keep drinking and never change. This "self-compassion" only works if there is change. If not, it can be used as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused.
@@zurc_bot "as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused" Narcissists and borderlines and psychopaths who do not have awareness about the damage they do by sleeping with friends' husbands - do not waste their times watching videos like this one. They don't spend time learning psychology and concepts such as self-compassion. Instead - their time is filled with sleeping with other people's husbands as primary focus in their lives, of chaos and drama.
To everyone who was watching at the same time as me, Thursday, April 18, 2024 10:45 a.m. MST, I was here with you. Thanks to the lovely lady on TikTok for sharing that teary-eyed video.
I used to think I was depressed, anxious, had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others finding the root of your problem after such a long struggle brought me to tears
" had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others" Yes. When I talk about toxic shame in social anxiety videos - people cannot grasp it due to veil over their face and filter like confirmation bias and anchoring bias. Socially anxious are brainwashed in childhood (ACoA and ACE) and toxic families and toxic ambient to self blame. And information that there is internalized malignant shame that stems from abuse - is the same information as if conspiracy theories and cognitive dissonance is preventing malignant ashamed people to realize that they are dealing with malignant shame. Same as fish in the water - that is unable to realize that it is water all around, not air nor space - since fish is not clever enough to develop walking genes or brain to develop space rocket and to leave aquamarine ambient or brain to become self aware. - These are all interchangeable: RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: trauma panic symptoms related in an attempt to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting = Inner critic = Imposter syndrome = Being exposed to Operant Conditioning of Negative reinforcement (rejection, cold shoulder) = Being exposed to Negative reinforcement Breadcrumbs hoping positive reinforcement will come instead = doing the best we can to avoid and mitigate negative reinforcement = Avoidance = Victim of false accusation and slander (overt or covert) = overcompensation and masking and making trauma and or abuse to be functional = being wounded and reacting to someone future faking our voids being fulfilled to hook us up to their lies = Self-referential thinking = identity being rooted in "I am not enough" instead of "I am enough" "People expect the quiet one to adapt to the loud people but not the other way around"
Agreed! For me it’s also a result of self rejection which is tied to shame. It really helps to practice self acceptance and watch out for those self judging thoughts.
shame is fear of a past experience or emotional response to a past memory. Resulting in wanting to hide. Anxiety is also fear of an experience or emotional response that has or has not happened. both can come from the other. Fear of experiencing the shame around anxiety. or the anxiety around experiencing shame.
@@ceeeceee8753rejection from our family in early years (even if very subtle) usually underlies all of it. As children, we internalize everything and think it is our fault, is that there is something wrong with us if our parents don’t love us, see us, or understand us, in the ways that we need. It’s just a survival issue. But it feeds into all of these Sometimes devastating problems in our adulthood if we don’t recognize it and heal!
I was abused as a child and the consequences of it has been devastating - no matter what - college degree, jobs, “success” , travels, years and years of cognitive and/ or behavioral therapy I still struggle with it. I know that the root of it is the abuse and even though things are much better now I still struggle feeling not being good enough and ashamed for not measuring to “other people expectations. The shame I carry through the years is just exhausting at times. This guy talk is very honest and logical and I think that I knew that practicing self compassion when I am struggling helps. Now and then I give that 7 years old child a hug.😢
Holy Crap! The reason I haven't been able to heal all of my shame is because I have only wanted to be loved for who I am- as we all do. I have always felt unworthy of love based on my belief that who I am is not enough, too flawed, no way to become other than that, no matter how hard I try. I am learning loving kindness and self compassion practices, so I am seeing glimpses of hope. Thank you!
Last night. I didn’t think I could go on in life. I felt so alone and I felt like I deserved to feel this way. I’ve been battling with anxiety for about 3 years now. And I knew it deep down, but my anxiety is rooted in my shame and self-hate. This video was exactly what I needed. And intend to use the insightful words and exercise to hopefully one day become self-compassionate.
Wishing you lots of love and healing to keep going. I know how much anxiety can then become shame within. And that feeling of being alone is so very painful. Just hold on to how many of us are out there. You are worthy of kindness, warmth and recovery . Keep holding on
I hope you have someone to hold space for you. ♥️ You are worthy of love and compassion. It’s a battle to undo the programming but it CAN be undone. Keep fighting for yourself-you’re worth it. 😊
I’m so glad this video helped. I have also struggled with shame. If you’re ever feeling like you can’t go on, 988 is the number to the National suicide and crisis lifeline. Hopefully you can connect with someone. I’m happy you exist ❤
I really needed this. My autism and adhd has in my life lead to so much shame for simply existing as I do, and now I can really pinpoint that shame is what it is. Thank you for this.
Shame has kept me isolated and in poverty. Feelings buried alive never die, so I have to face this shame to heal 😢 Its hard work. But so is poverty and isolation. blessings to everyone on this journey
what helped me a lot was being radically honest about myself in a quite immature online community that was prone to shaming anyone who was different, anonymously ofc, I got to experience a lot of shaming and learned to become immune to it, now getting ready for the real life version 😅
Dont make things that sound good to you out of your pockets have any credibility. No leave this marrtive that humility is good nonsense and stay in your pubble
The second part of this quote is powerful when one realizes that true humility is the understanding that each and every person is simultaneously equal and invaluable. If one is unable to connect with their inherent worth, then the humility they display is merely an act to appear humble... as a way of hopefully receiving love and acceptance from others. True humility can only arise from true self-worth (seeing through the illusion of unworthiness). Pride is not a cause, but a symptom of our unmet emotional needs - this is where religious philosophy gets it backwards. Healing our emotional wounds and traumas is how we address the root cause of "sinful" behavior.
"Shame can ruin our lives, shame can ruin other peoples lives." Wow, I have never heard this point of view. I appreciate this new take on anxiety, depression and trauma. Thank you.
We had to forget the need to be loved because it didn’t work. What a relief to admit it and realize it’s the universal human condition. I can feel my shame at wishing for love from others decreasing as I listen to you. I can meet it with compassion. There’s nothing wrong with that wish to be loved. I am sending you love today, doctor. Thank you for your healing message. 🙏🏽💚
my top takeaways that resonate with me from this insightful truth: shame is not our fault but it is our responsibility. 15:41 mindfulness of shame is the first step to alleviating shame. it is knowing what we’re experiencing while we’re experiencing it with acceptance. shame is mostly invisible because we naturally dont want to see it. 18:09 what we resist persists but the good news is avoiding shame is more harmful than shame itself. when we stop avoiding shame and mindfully meet shame and ourselves with kindness, shame begins to recede 21:19 shame is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness. it arises from the desire to be loved. its universal. shame feels permanent and all-encompassing but its a temporary emotion. it represents a burden that we are carrying. it is not who we are. 26:10 these insights correspond to the three components of self compassion which are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. when we experience these insights, we pierce these illusions. what are the illusions? shame feels blameworthy but it is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness and love. recaliming the wish to be loved is the first courageous act. alternative wordings may be : the need to belong, the need to he appreciated, respected, included. it is a vulnerable truth. what if we woke up in the morning and put our hand in our heart and said “just as all beings wish to be loved, so do i too now and throughout the day wish to be loved.” what would you see in other people from then on? would it change your relationship with others? it is a primordial wish to be loved. it opens the door to innocene then self-compassion. 33:54 shame is part of the human experience. this is common humanity. anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same way. in this feeling of shame you are not alone. you may feel isolated because thats the purpose of shame but the truth is you are not alone. everyone in the world wants to be loved and respected. 43:44 “i, like every other human just wish to be loved.” thank you chris for making this video🙆🏻♀️ you are a blessing to others.
Brilliant. Thank you. We are all in this together. Whoever is reading this right now, remember YOU are not alone. Everyone here shares in shame-most difficult emotion. Never, ever forget our common humanity. ❤️
I’ve always isolated myself when going through tough times. He’s right, it’s lonely and debilitating. I listen to videos like this in an attempt to claw myself out of this inner turmoil and darkness. And seeing comments like yours reassures me that I’m going to be ok. Thank you. ❤
I cried listening to this. I hope one day to share with myself the compassion I share with others. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on this platform, I highly respect you and your work.
I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was neglected as a child. Weighed over 600lbs before the pandemic. The only reason why I was able to get help was because of disability. The people who took care of me knew it, but didn’t tell me because taking me to therapy interfered with them running the streets. I knew I was miserable but, didn’t want to put that energy out on other people. I went through college and some of graduate school thinking and being treated like I was dumb. My escape from shame and want to be loved came out in drinking and eating or sex. I’m getting help now. I’m recovering from the imposter syndrome caused by years of loving to learn but due to executive functions and shit. lol I thought everything came in one ear and out the other. Not as ashamed of myself as I was before. Lost over 200lbs in under a year. Best I have ever been.
@@twinshk2 I am happy as hell. Going through exposure therapy is the real life saver. Everything is easier. I didn’t even know living with all of this undiagnosed had me on edge constantly.
He nailed this! I had been feeling, what I thought was anxiety for quite sometime, and it turns out it was actually shame because I always felt so inadequate. Didn’t know I needed self-compassion this much till now. Thank you so much for your service, kind sir!
What hit home hardest for me, is approaching others with the notion that everyone inherently wants to be loved. I seem to be constantly going into meetings on the defensive, seeing others coming from a place an aggressiveness(putting myself in a position of defensiveness, which lends to underlining insecurities of one’s self). I have seen time and time again that this perception of mine is flawed, but still have such a hard time breaking the cycle.What a great job reframing by this man.
You are a gift from the universe. I have been struggling so long with shame because of the way I’ve been treated and it’s gotten to the point where it’s weaved itself into my identity. Shame along with overthinking and feeling incompetent has really held me back from being at ease. It’s definitely limited my creativity because I’m constantly worried about how I’m being perceived and thought of. It’s crazy because I thought I’ve worked on this, but I realized I am still always beating myself up for something and I struggle to be kind to myself. This video really helps to break down shame and the practice at the end made me feel lighter. So many tears were shed during this video but i hope I can take in this advice and use it the next time the feeling of shame arises. Thank you, you’re amazing and this video is a rare gem.
I have always known I struggled with shame - but on my lunch walk while listening to your video - “shame is an innocent feeling - it arises from a deep desire to be loved”…and all of a sudden I’m bawling 😂. Cathartic and a key to my continued growth - thank you for that sentence - and for this much-needed topic ❤
i actually feel so much better, as a gen z person who is pretty online, I often forget how much research and knowledge is avaliable to me on the internet, ive never actually sat down and watched a video this long in full, at least not in a long while to be connected to someone like this, someone so different from me is just an amazingly freeing feeling to simply be to feel human, to feel connected to other people in this emotion that is shame and to be able to let it go. thank you!
People are using “shaming” others these days for different things. Shaming if you disagree with another opinion or belief. Shaming for illness and needing treatment for that illness. 🥺😩 I cannot help where I am at in life. I was injured at the hands of a doctor/staff in hospital. Changed my life FOREVER in a completely negative way. Abused daily as a child. My mother left me on the side of a State Highway in Illinois when I was 4 years old. I turned out to be a very kind, compassionate person toward others and now I find myself in a horrible situation until death that is pain and suffering and having to live below poverty level for it. 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t understand LIFE.
You’re so right. And the worst part is on some level we may feel responsible for everything and everyone because we carry the shame for the shameless ones too. We spend so much energy trying to make sense of the senseless…and grieving the lack of real justice, grieving the lack of caring in systems we cannot avoid. We need to do daily the opposite of all this non sense. We need to be extra caring towards ourselves and others and look for ways to find commonality and connection in these fragile times. ❤
I remember celebrating my nephews birthday my brother hit the mark looked at me and straight up said, "Are you a flogging nun or something? Why not be kind to yourself and my response was cause it hurts less. Also I am a nursing school dropout
In a time where it’s hard to find anything positive your Chanel has been a gift. Thank you EVER so much for sharing your wisdom. I have learned more from you for free in the comfort of my home than numerous trips to therapists. What a gift you are giving the world in a time where it’s hard to see the humanity. Thank you🙏 May you receive 10 fold what you are giving.
I started crying when he talked about love, noone showed me love, I even didnt love myself, I was very hard on myself. Never thought about what positive things I have, always focusing on negative ones, cuz I was taught from others.
It's never too late to start loving ourselves. Your tears were a good start my friend. It's a process, it's undoing years of negative conditioning and what I find most helpful is to talk to myself the way I would talk to a dear friend, like the gentleman in the video suggested at some point. Good luck on your journey.
All my life, I have received joy, happiness and satisfaction/gratification from "when things went well for others". So I became a "yes" man at an early age and cultivated and propagated that. Can you help me, can you do this, can you give me a few minutes of your time, can you work some overtime, DO YOU HAVE SOME MONEY? All of these and more were responded to IMMEDIATELY with a yes, getting to the point of almost snapping to attention and saluting, ha ha. I always felt I was doing the right thing, regardless of how it put me out... and it did put me out, a lot. I had boundary issues which remain to this day. I still can't tell people no, to a great extent. I need help and it is getting late innings, if you get my drift.
I certainly know what you have been experiencing..the "people pleasing" necessity and the sense of fear when they're not placated. "To thine Ownself be True." Wishing you Courage, my Friend.
We can feel shame because we are mistreated or devalued by others - even if we did nothing wrong! When mistreated, we internalise those attitudes from others and then we feel bad about ourselves. Shame represents a burden part of us is carrying - but it is NOT who we are and it and it is a temporary feeling. I want to frame this...
“Shame Is a self conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation” 💡” so SHAME means I’m imagining in my mind what you are imagining in your mind about me - and it’s not good” For me that was the LIGHT IN THE DARK , that came through the crack in my isolation
In my personal, vast experience with shame, I can tell you this guy KNOWS what he is talking about and is worthy of listening to and has valuable information to share.
I've been ashamed most of my life I suffered sexual mental and physical abuse from a small child and have never believed I am good enough I had lots of therapy over the years and when I get triggered the shame comes quick and fast and then I put more shame on myself because I'm feeling shame thank you so much for all you said I will certainly try my best to have compassion for myself love and light
Summary Self-compassion is presented as an antidote to shame. The speaker shares personal experiences and explains the concept of self-compassion and its benefits. They also discuss the nature of shame and its impact on individuals. Highlights Self-compassion is a powerful tool for managing difficult emotions, particularly shame. Self-compassion is not selfishness or weakness, but rather a way of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. Shame is a self-conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation. Shame can be caused by external mistreatment or our own actions, but it should not be a life sentence. Mindfulness is the first step towards alleviating shame and cultivating self-compassion. Self-compassion can help reduce shame’s negative effects and improve well-being in various areas of life, including relationships and the workplace.
This explains all of my past relationships. Ive never had a real friend and so when some did reach out, I didnt know how to reciprocate and lost touch. I have also tolerated things that I should not have many times. Whoops
Self-absorbtion, isolation, self-doubt - nail on the head that sums up my struggles. Isolation is a kind of pride also, "I'm special, unique". It is very very recently that I actually started identifying that what I might be struggling with is traumatic shaming from childhood and teenage years. Very important trail to follow for self-healing. I am happy I have stumbled upon your video. ...And the kid just wanted to be loved... but the parents didn't quite know how to offer that. So the father kept saying: what's wrong with you, you're weird, you will always be an idiot digging holes" and the step mother said: you're just like your father, always thinking about yourself. You should compromise and admit you're faulty, repent. Listen to that for 20 years, you have a good chance of internalizing it.
I feel shame on a constant basis. It doesn't matter what I do it think, I'm so ashamed of everything I do . I would be sitting and I would get flashbacks of my past behavior or choices and just feel a wave of shame. I try to feel self compassion for some of my self destructive pasty behaviors but I just don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I would verbally say, i forgive myself but the next moment, I just feel shame and self loathing. also when I interact with others, everything they say or do somehow makes me feel less than and ashamed about my own choices and so on. I have BPD. It's a terrible way to live.
Check out Jerry Wise. He has a video about accepting your not being ready to forgive yourself and the paradoxical effect it tends to have in helping you become more ready. Its on his You Tube channel under the title: "The Power of Self Acceptance".
I hope you are feeling better - one thing to remember - your thoughts are not you. Our thoughts are like out of control teenagers running around in our head. If you can acknowledge the thoughts as that at let them go it can help. Your thoughts are not you and controlling them totally isn’t possible - we can have them feel them and let them go every time. That’s a compassionate act on the self. Sometimes all the self help stuff makes us feel we should be able to control our thoughts - we can’t control them but acknowledge them for what they are
I scared my shame away when i told it, as if it were a person separate from me, that itself is shameful, then it got scared and shut up because it knows i can shame it back. Sounds silly but it works sometimes.
THIS WAS INCREDIBLE! As self compassion goes up, shame goes down! I have shame induced perfectionism. My perfectionism is driven by shame. I hold myself and others to impossible standards. I would love to buy your book as I continue learning about how to love myself as I am.
I believe this is at the cutting edge of psychology/m.health/self help today. This is the missing piece. Shame & self compassion. I have recently started 'visiting' my body, inside, where it tenses or hurts with fear, overwhelm, anger etc. I breathe into it to soften it, I talk to it, ask it what it is storing and trying to show me and why. Soon as I started to do this it was as if a doorway creaked open and self compassion/self love came flooding in. I am now researching all things somatic healing, self compassion, nervous system trauma release hot on the heels of my revelations with mindfulness. And of course shame. Like the silent killer within us all we never talked about and its antidote self compassion we were too busy to ever take seriously. Inner child = the subconscious = the body -when you find the key it all unlocks 💞💥🌄
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and your optimism about this breakthrough for All of us. I've also been having some breakthroughs in allowing myself to feel love and support inside my body/self. I especially love your imagery of the doorway creaking open . . . and self compassion flooding in.
This is a beautiful video and it’s been wonderful to read all the kind and supportive comments. I’ve been operating with tremendous self-contempt for a long time. No wonder I feel so bad.
A few years ago I suffered huge addiction to a substance. It almost killed me , the shame afterwards was even worse than the addiction. I self condemned myself almost every day but as time went on, I accepted the love of Christ and overcame it. Watching this video made me realize that the shame still lingers and affects me sometimes. I feel whole this evening from the exercise and all I can say is healing from anything takes some time and a lot of self compassion. Thank you for this Dr Chris.
26:10 Shame is an innocent emotion because it arises from a wish to be loved. "The energy of shame is the wish to be loved." (He also discusses that "wish to be loved" may be specifically felt as 'need to belong' or 'need to be respected' etc)
Suberb. We still channel shame as a child would., As adults, we can say, "Your criticism of me is well-founded and I can correct my mistake" or "This critique does not reflect upon me. It is your opinion only and doesn't affect me." This too is helpful.
thank you so much! i experience immense relief from the shame episodes that happened years ago and kept coming back with the same level of intensity over and over again.. I hope i will be able to turn off the hiding mechanism now as it developed into avoidant behaviour keeping me from meeting new people and taking life opportunities. I feel endlessly grateful for this revelation. To anyone reading this and struggling with the same problems - you are not alone
You want to turn off your 'default mode network' - is like turning off your skill to ' walk' - we learned this toxic shame as toddlers - its in us forever- your stuck with a broken toddler - teach your inner child to laugh and be his/her best friend- thats how i turn it off
@@mikey3666 hey Mikey, I have been continuing to learn about my condition and I found that there is a concept of CPTSD to describe childhood trauma. I can say that after years of research this framework seems to be the most helpful. I strongly recommend you to read the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Not only it gives you the clear concept of how the trauma works, it teaches you deep understanding of the mechanisms that trigger trauma driven behaviour. It is aimed to teach you to recognize and systematically fight off shame, tackle panic attacks and overall - really work on the root of the trauma response. I hope you will find it helpful!
My every choice in life has been in service to avoiding the pain of my deep toxic shame. Where I've lived, where I've worked, the people I have and have not associated with. Its liked I've missed out on what I would have liked to do with my life.
Thank you, Chris. This information and practice has helped me to have a massive shift and understanding of what has been keeping me prisoner inside of myself for so many years. I realized that the mechanism of shame has very effectively been covering my true self. The beauty of what I am receiving from your approach is that instead of separation from this part of myself, I feel gratitude and the befriending of shame as the key to unlocking my true self that has lied buried and unexpressed and at this point very much suffocated. It can be so easy to want to dismiss these emotions and keep them invisible, however to really see them and approach them with self-compassion, as you say, is so profoundly beneficial and transformational. Thank you very very much.
Thank you for posting this talk. My piano fluency coach, who puts rhythm first, uses this teaching to help with our embarrassment when we try to 'let go' of self-criticism and shame and express ourselves rhythmically. There's a powerful inner voice asking nastily, 'Who do you think you are?'. The practice works.
Thank you. I have cptsd from childhood abuse that continued into adulthood. I couldnt understand the shame i feel and it helps to know it comes from the need for love and acceptance that i never got. Im also just ashamed for anyone to know the dirty secret of my past that i disguise under a mask of normality which leads me to feel like an imposter. Lovingkindness and Tara Brach have helped so much. My mother just passed away this week.. she was my only confidante. Im glad i found your videos on giving myself love ad wishing myself all the things i wish for others. ❤
I feel shame all my life. The way I look, the way I talk, my whole being. I’m trying to reach my dream, but shame and anxiety make every steps so painful. I hit myself whenever I feel like I made mistakes. Thanks for the video. Maybe I can think of ways to feel peace with myself
I'm been reading Self Compassion by Neff and working on developing it in therapy. I was assigned this video by my therapist. I just want to say I appreciate you and the work you do!
I know this to not be an overstatement when I say I will remember the effect and impact of this video for as long as I consciously live onwards. Thankyou, Sir Christopher. This is nothing less than a gift to humanity you offer free of cost. Thankyou! Every word of this hour-long video resonated with deep within. I feel blessed, released, and grateful for finding this and I look forward to practicing this for as long as I'd need to. Thankyou, Sir!
I actually call them "shame attacks" they usually happen after any interaction with others. They also happen after i drink alcohol, though they can also be trigerred by many many things.
Thank you Christopher for offering your wisdom and insights - we all wish to be loved. Offering ourselves in mindful awareness, self-compassion with a sense of common humanity when we feel inadequate, incapable, sad, ashamed, fearful and vulnerable can dissolve the fear of not being accepted or loved. Seeking acceptance and love using harmful behaviours tends to push people away eventually, which leaves us feeling very lonely and unloved.
Thank you so much for this. I can feel the compassion in your voice. I've returned to this video a few times. It's... a bit of an emotional journey reliving the hundreds of shameful memories of my past, but I can feel it making them lighter every time. So thanks for this small gift.
I didn’t come here from tiktok, youtube recommended the video. But I bet all of the traffic from people coming here from TT caused the youtube algorithm to push this video into my feed. Isn’t that beautiful? One person sharing a resource on one platform has had such a big ripple effect. a rare positive result from algorithms.
It is very important the invisibility characteristic of shame, because it leads us to undernotice it and consequently not addressing it. Loved this video. Thank you very much for your help!!!!!
Dear Dr Germer good day. Thank you indeed ever so much for your eminent and empathic contribution to all of us. Please know that your healing lessons are going far beyond you can imagine, in helping traumatised fellow humans go a step further in our effort towards consciousness and healing. I am deeply grateful to you.
This has opened my view on a lot of my behaviors. I used to be very depressed and ashamed of myself when I was younger and it was hard to recover but I did. In truth I never really connected my pain and shame to my behaviors aside from the destructive ones. Your talk has shown me that maybe part of the reason I avert gazes and why I talk quietly could be learned behaviors from my time being terribly ashamed of myself. Now that I've worked on understanding my trauma I think I need to work on relearning behaviors that I inadvertently taught myself through the years. Thanks mister and I hope you have a good day. :)
This is really the most compassionate talk I’ve ever heard on shame… thank you for guiding us through it in ourselves with so much earned wisdom and grace. Thank you, and so grateful for you. I will be returning to this video over and over.
My husband and I are doing this together, we did your exercise and we plan on incorporating it into our daily work that we are going to do at various times each day. Thank you for being a wonderful instructor, we appreciate your healing knowledge. May you be blessed with love everyday. ❤
Thank you thank you thank you! What an important gift it is to know about self-compassion, and kindness towards oneself when we're feeling shame. I've been listening to all your meditations, they are lovely, and have really helped me to feel better.
Thank goodness it is temporary emotion. This was very helpful for the adult child. Thank you for sharing your self compassion. Looking forward to the exercise
Thank you for this video. I have struggled with toxic shame my whole life from CPTSD. Therapy has not worked much for me and I am realizing we are still learning so much about how to heal this. I really like the ideas behind this approach and will try it.
What if we feel self hatred. Part of me doesn’t want to heal the shame, it doesn’t think I deserve to be loved. There’s lots of internal anger towards myself and the more I try to be compassionate towards myself the more it resists… I don’t know how to move forward from this
This was excellent content, I shared it with a support group for survivors of family scapegoating where many identify intimately with their shame due to the abuse, very compassionately presented as well. Thank you
I have been struggling with shame for a long time, and this video explained it so simply and in a way that is helping me finally be able to understand what is happening. Thank you Dr. Germer!
Reasons im never deactivating TikTok is that it introduces me to things like this one.
Here from TikTok as well
Right!!! Because I came from Tiktok too🤚🏽. Wishing you healing and love wherever you are♥️
Same
wow i’m from youtube recs
Omg same here, i came here because tiktok
"Shame is an innocent emotion.
Shame calls for kindness, a longing to be loved."
Absolutely!! Thank you.
Malignant shame is problem.
Are all those pornstars on the internet innocent, then?
Not if you sleep with your friends husband, and blame it on the alcohol. The shame only lasts until the next drink, the next downfall. And yet they keep drinking and never change. This "self-compassion" only works if there is change. If not, it can be used as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused.
@@zurc_bot "as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused"
Narcissists and borderlines and psychopaths who do not have awareness about the damage they do by sleeping with friends' husbands - do not waste their times watching videos like this one. They don't spend time learning psychology and concepts such as self-compassion.
Instead - their time is filled with sleeping with other people's husbands as primary focus in their lives, of chaos and drama.
The energy of shame is the wish to be loved - what a beautiful insight
❤
No one left to give love🌹Only Jesus
@@maritrnning5357Jesus is dead.
Sick of all these Jesus billboards, Where’s he for Gaza and Ukraine?
Your Jesus isn’t ever coming back for ANYONE
Beautiful and so liberating!!! ❤
@@maritrnning5357please stop this religion nonsense, it is this why people don't have compassion for others
Bless the Tik Tok girl who shared this!
To everyone who was watching at the same time as me, Thursday, April 18, 2024 10:45 a.m. MST, I was here with you. Thanks to the lovely lady on TikTok for sharing that teary-eyed video.
That is exactly how I got here too! Divine Intervention!
im here too the exercise at the end had me bawling
She has a youtube channel! It's Ozley ASMR. She posts a lot of videos that help with anxiety :) Been watching her for years.
26 April
I used to think I was depressed, anxious, had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others
finding the root of your problem after such a long struggle brought me to tears
Bless you friend. This is deep work. Layer by layer, truth by truth. Innocense is our name.
It all just finally clicks.
Me too
" had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others"
Yes. When I talk about toxic shame in social anxiety videos - people cannot grasp it due to veil over their face and filter like confirmation bias and anchoring bias. Socially anxious are brainwashed in childhood (ACoA and ACE) and toxic families and toxic ambient to self blame. And information that there is internalized malignant shame that stems from abuse - is the same information as if conspiracy theories and cognitive dissonance is preventing malignant ashamed people to realize that they are dealing with malignant shame.
Same as fish in the water - that is unable to realize that it is water all around, not air nor space - since fish is not clever enough to develop walking genes or brain to develop space rocket and to leave aquamarine ambient or brain to become self aware.
-
These are all interchangeable:
RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: trauma panic symptoms related in an attempt to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting = Inner critic = Imposter syndrome = Being exposed to Operant Conditioning of Negative reinforcement (rejection, cold shoulder) = Being exposed to Negative reinforcement Breadcrumbs hoping positive reinforcement will come instead = doing the best we can to avoid and mitigate negative reinforcement = Avoidance = Victim of false accusation and slander (overt or covert) = overcompensation and masking and making trauma and or abuse to be functional = being wounded and reacting to someone future faking our voids being fulfilled to hook us up to their lies = Self-referential thinking = identity being rooted in "I am not enough" instead of "I am enough"
"People expect the quiet one to adapt to the loud people but not the other way around"
Today is the day I made this connection.
I think social anxiety is directly the result of shame. I feel very shameful while in social situations. Anxiety and shame are directly related
Agreed! For me it’s also a result of self rejection which is tied to shame. It really helps to practice self acceptance and watch out for those self judging thoughts.
I think you are right on the money
shame is fear of a past experience or emotional response to a past memory. Resulting in wanting to hide. Anxiety is also fear of an experience or emotional response that has or has not happened. both can come from the other. Fear of experiencing the shame around anxiety. or the anxiety around experiencing shame.
I’ve struggled with social anxiety my whole life. I didn’t realize shame was the issue until recently.
@@ceeeceee8753rejection from our family in early years (even if very subtle) usually underlies all of it. As children, we internalize everything and think it is our fault, is that there is something wrong with us if our parents don’t love us, see us, or understand us, in the ways that we need. It’s just a survival issue. But it feeds into all of these Sometimes devastating problems in our adulthood if we don’t recognize it and heal!
I was abused as a child and the consequences of it has been devastating - no matter what - college degree, jobs, “success” , travels, years and years of cognitive and/ or behavioral therapy I still struggle with it. I know that the root of it is the abuse and even though things are much better now I still struggle feeling not being good enough and ashamed for not measuring to “other people expectations. The shame I carry through the years is just exhausting at times. This guy talk is very honest and logical and I think that I knew that practicing self compassion when I am struggling helps. Now and then I give that 7 years old child a hug.😢
Sending you virtual hugs🤗
Same with me
Try EMDR
Same here! Thanks for posting. Forty years ago, it was difficult to find even a book about shame. Love Germer's work.
@@claudiademaldonado6824 I had EMDR and it was hard but ammmmmmazing! I love it and it helped me on many levels. Glad you did it too.
it’s such a powerful thing when a professor uses himself as an experience, it’s much more effective
Yes I certainly agree. Brings the abstract into practicality.
“….Everyone feels shame. You are not alone. You may feel isolated and alone but you are not alone. Shame is a universal emotion” 🥰
💛
Reading the comments first; they do not disappoint
“May I be safe, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy, may I live with ease”
Yes!!!, 😊😊🎉🎉
Do you guys know others self-soothing phrases? 🥺
@@atypicalmatias “My anxiety is very normal human emotion. And I accept it.”
I was just doing this meditation today. Thanks to Sharon Salzburg for sharing it on CZcams! That’s how I found it.
You guys will be blown away by Russ Harris in ACT.
“Shame arises from the universal wish to be loved.”
I have listened to this two dozen times through a very tough period of my life and it has literally saved my life.
Glad to hear it man🎉
❤
That's how I am with Near Death Experiences on CZcams. They've saved my life.
Saved my life. Shame could have ended me
I am crying so much.
All this while its been my innocent desire to be loved, seen and protected.
I have studied shame and worked on my own for years. This is the most sensitive, intuitive and accurate description I’ve ever heard. Thank you!
your welcome kid
You got that right!❤
Holy Crap! The reason I haven't been able to heal all of my shame is because I have only wanted to be loved for who I am- as we all do. I have always felt unworthy of love based on my belief that who I am is not enough, too flawed, no way to become other than that, no matter how hard I try. I am learning loving kindness and self compassion practices, so I am seeing glimpses of hope. Thank you!
Your loved. 😊
❤❤❤
Last night. I didn’t think I could go on in life. I felt so alone and I felt like I deserved to feel this way. I’ve been battling with anxiety for about 3 years now. And I knew it deep down, but my anxiety is rooted in my shame and self-hate. This video was exactly what I needed. And intend to use the insightful words and exercise to hopefully one day become self-compassionate.
Wishing you lots of love and healing to keep going. I know how much anxiety can then become shame within. And that feeling of being alone is so very painful. Just hold on to how many of us are out there. You are worthy of kindness, warmth and recovery . Keep holding on
I hope you have someone to hold space for you. ♥️ You are worthy of love and compassion. It’s a battle to undo the programming but it CAN be undone. Keep fighting for yourself-you’re worth it. 😊
Wishing you lots of compassion and love. You are enough. You are worthy.
You can do that now you don't need " one day"
I’m so glad this video helped. I have also struggled with shame. If you’re ever feeling like you can’t go on, 988 is the number to the National suicide and crisis lifeline. Hopefully you can connect with someone. I’m happy you exist ❤
I really needed this. My autism and adhd has in my life lead to so much shame for simply existing as I do, and now I can really pinpoint that shame is what it is. Thank you for this.
Shame has kept me isolated and in poverty. Feelings buried alive never die, so I have to face this shame to heal 😢
Its hard work. But so is poverty and isolation. blessings to everyone on this journey
Bless you
what helped me a lot was being radically honest about myself in a quite immature online community that was prone to shaming anyone who was different, anonymously ofc, I got to experience a lot of shaming and learned to become immune to it, now getting ready for the real life version 😅
“Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame” -Uncle Iroh
If you don’t know where this quote came from, you really need to find out
Dont make things that sound good to you out of your pockets have any credibility. No leave this marrtive that humility is good nonsense and stay in your pubble
The second part of this quote is powerful when one realizes that true humility is the understanding that each and every person is simultaneously equal and invaluable. If one is unable to connect with their inherent worth, then the humility they display is merely an act to appear humble... as a way of hopefully receiving love and acceptance from others. True humility can only arise from true self-worth (seeing through the illusion of unworthiness).
Pride is not a cause, but a symptom of our unmet emotional needs - this is where religious philosophy gets it backwards. Healing our emotional wounds and traumas is how we address the root cause of "sinful" behavior.
Airbender
this is the truest thing I've seen online in a while, when I embraced shame I unlocked humility and defeated pride.
"Shame can ruin our lives, shame can ruin other peoples lives." Wow, I have never heard this point of view. I appreciate this new take on anxiety, depression and trauma. Thank you.
Check out Tim Fletcher if you are interested in further insights on this topic :)
“Why not be that person who lives with the full moon in each eye that says ‘love me’?” What a beautiful image!
I once heard someone say, “Shame is I am bad person and guilt is I did a bad thing.”
Cried during the exercise. Going through a heartbreak and I wish my mom was here. Thanks
I’m so sorry, wishing you healing and self love ♥️
@@Ninafvn thank you so much 🤍
I hope you feel better ❤. God is with you always 😊
@@sekinatabdulsalam3554 thank you so much 🤍
I’m so sorry. Praying for you. Your mom is with you always. ❤️
We had to forget the need to be loved because it didn’t work. What a relief to admit it and realize it’s the universal human condition. I can feel my shame at wishing for love from others decreasing as I listen to you. I can meet it with compassion. There’s nothing wrong with that wish to be loved. I am sending you love today, doctor. Thank you for your healing message. 🙏🏽💚
amen
my top takeaways that resonate with me from this insightful truth:
shame is not our fault but it is our responsibility. 15:41
mindfulness of shame is the first step to alleviating shame. it is knowing what we’re experiencing while we’re experiencing it with acceptance. shame is mostly invisible because we naturally dont want to see it. 18:09
what we resist persists but the good news is avoiding shame is more harmful than shame itself. when we stop avoiding shame and mindfully meet shame and ourselves with kindness, shame begins to recede 21:19
shame is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness. it arises from the desire to be loved. its universal. shame feels permanent and all-encompassing but its a temporary emotion. it represents a burden that we are carrying. it is not who we are. 26:10
these insights correspond to the three components of self compassion which are self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
when we experience these insights, we pierce these illusions.
what are the illusions?
shame feels blameworthy but it is an innocent emotion that calls for kindness and love. recaliming the wish to be loved is the first courageous act.
alternative wordings may be : the need to belong, the need to he appreciated, respected, included.
it is a vulnerable truth.
what if we woke up in the morning and put our hand in our heart and said “just as all beings wish to be loved, so do i too now and throughout the day wish to be loved.”
what would you see in other people from then on? would it change your relationship with others?
it is a primordial wish to be loved. it opens the door to innocene then self-compassion.
33:54
shame is part of the human experience. this is common humanity. anyone in the same situation as you would feel the same way. in this feeling of shame you are not alone. you may feel isolated because thats the purpose of shame but the truth is you are not alone. everyone in the world wants to be loved and respected. 43:44
“i, like every other human just wish to be loved.”
thank you chris for making this video🙆🏻♀️ you are a blessing to others.
Thank u ❤
Great notes! Thank you!
👏👏👏
Brilliant. Thank you. We are all in this together. Whoever is reading this right now, remember YOU are not alone. Everyone here shares in shame-most difficult emotion. Never, ever forget our common humanity. ❤️
I’ve always isolated myself when going through tough times. He’s right, it’s lonely and debilitating. I listen to videos like this in an attempt to claw myself out of this inner turmoil and darkness. And seeing comments like yours reassures me that I’m going to be ok. Thank you. ❤
Yes!, thank you !! 😃😮😮😊❤
I cried listening to this. I hope one day to share with myself the compassion I share with others. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on this platform, I highly respect you and your work.
i respect him for what he put out for free - you gotta pay dollars to learn it outside!
I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was neglected as a child. Weighed over 600lbs before the pandemic. The only reason why I was able to get help was because of disability. The people who took care of me knew it, but didn’t tell me because taking me to therapy interfered with them running the streets. I knew I was miserable but, didn’t want to put that energy out on other people. I went through college and some of graduate school thinking and being treated like I was dumb. My escape from shame and want to be loved came out in drinking and eating or sex. I’m getting help now. I’m recovering from the imposter syndrome caused by years of loving to learn but due to executive functions and shit. lol I thought everything came in one ear and out the other. Not as ashamed of myself as I was before. Lost over 200lbs in under a year. Best I have ever been.
Good work, I’m pulling for you
@@Adrian-yv1tethank you.
lets fucking go man. real shit. 200 lbs in a year is insane and recovering from the imposter syndrome is the real unseen gain. pulling for you too.
@@twinshk2 I am happy as hell. Going through exposure therapy is the real life saver. Everything is easier. I didn’t even know living with all of this undiagnosed had me on edge constantly.
He nailed this! I had been feeling, what I thought was anxiety for quite sometime, and it turns out it was actually shame because I always felt so inadequate. Didn’t know I needed self-compassion this much till now. Thank you so much for your service, kind sir!
What hit home hardest for me, is approaching others with the notion that everyone inherently wants to be loved. I seem to be constantly going into meetings on the defensive, seeing others coming from a place an aggressiveness(putting myself in a position of defensiveness, which lends to underlining insecurities of one’s self). I have seen time and time again that this perception of mine is flawed, but still have such a hard time breaking the cycle.What a great job reframing by this man.
totally can relate to this
@@luna_rkive me too
all aggression is rooted in fear, meaning they are also defensive, you probably seem aggressive to them as well tbh.
With Complex trauma it's difficult to include kinship in
the midst of suffering due to fear of judgement and trust.
"Shame is what turns trauma into PTSD"
You are a gift from the universe. I have been struggling so long with shame because of the way I’ve been treated and it’s gotten to the point where it’s weaved itself into my identity. Shame along with overthinking and feeling incompetent has really held me back from being at ease. It’s definitely limited my creativity because I’m constantly worried about how I’m being perceived and thought of. It’s crazy because I thought I’ve worked on this, but I realized I am still always beating myself up for something and I struggle to be kind to myself. This video really helps to break down shame and the practice at the end made me feel lighter. So many tears were shed during this video but i hope I can take in this advice and use it the next time the feeling of shame arises. Thank you, you’re amazing and this video is a rare gem.
I can relate to everything you just said. Thank you for sharing.
I have always known I struggled with shame - but on my lunch walk while listening to your video - “shame is an innocent feeling - it arises from a deep desire to be loved”…and all of a sudden I’m bawling 😂. Cathartic and a key to my continued growth - thank you for that sentence - and for this much-needed topic ❤
i actually feel so much better, as a gen z person who is pretty online, I often forget how much research and knowledge is avaliable to me on the internet, ive never actually sat down and watched a video this long in full, at least not in a long while to be connected to someone like this, someone so different from me is just an amazingly freeing feeling to simply be to feel human, to feel connected to other people in this emotion that is shame and to be able to let it go. thank you!
I came from that one tiktok video
Me too
Me three
Me four
People are using “shaming” others these days for different things. Shaming if you disagree with another opinion or belief. Shaming for illness and needing treatment for that illness. 🥺😩 I cannot help where I am at in life. I was injured at the hands of a doctor/staff in hospital. Changed my life FOREVER in a completely negative way.
Abused daily as a child. My mother left me on the side of a State Highway in Illinois when I was 4 years old.
I turned out to be a very kind, compassionate person toward others and now I find myself in a horrible situation until death that is pain and suffering and having to live below poverty level for it. 🤷🏼♀️ I don’t understand LIFE.
What did the idiot doc do? Cute dog, yours?
I am sending you love
Stay strong, it can, and will get better
You’re so right. And the worst part is on some level we may feel responsible for everything and everyone because we carry the shame for the shameless ones too. We spend so much energy trying to make sense of the senseless…and grieving the lack of real justice, grieving the lack of caring in systems we cannot avoid. We need to do daily the opposite of all this non sense. We need to be extra caring towards ourselves and others and look for ways to find commonality and connection in these fragile times. ❤
I remember celebrating my nephews birthday my brother hit the mark looked at me and straight up said, "Are you a flogging nun or something? Why not be kind to yourself and my response was cause it hurts less. Also I am a nursing school dropout
In a time where it’s hard to find anything positive your Chanel has been a gift. Thank you EVER so much for sharing your wisdom. I have learned more from you for free in the comfort of my home than numerous trips to therapists. What a gift you are giving the world in a time where it’s hard to see the humanity. Thank you🙏 May you receive 10 fold what you are giving.
I started crying when he talked about love, noone showed me love, I even didnt love myself, I was very hard on myself. Never thought about what positive things I have, always focusing on negative ones, cuz I was taught from others.
It's never too late to start loving ourselves. Your tears were a good start my friend. It's a process, it's undoing years of negative conditioning and what I find most helpful is to talk to myself the way I would talk to a dear friend, like the gentleman in the video suggested at some point.
Good luck on your journey.
All my life, I have received joy, happiness and satisfaction/gratification from "when things went well for others". So I became a "yes" man at an early age and cultivated and propagated that. Can you help me, can you do this, can you give me a few minutes of your time, can you work some overtime, DO YOU HAVE SOME MONEY? All of these and more were responded to IMMEDIATELY with a yes, getting to the point of almost snapping to attention and saluting, ha ha. I always felt I was doing the right thing, regardless of how it put me out... and it did put me out, a lot. I had boundary issues which remain to this day. I still can't tell people no, to a great extent. I need help and it is getting late innings, if you get my drift.
I certainly know what you have been experiencing..the "people pleasing" necessity and the sense of fear when they're not placated.
"To thine Ownself be True."
Wishing you Courage, my Friend.
I have similar experiences regarding not being loved. I now work on being good to myself. It feels good. Good luck to you.
We can feel shame because we are mistreated or devalued by others - even if we did nothing wrong!
When mistreated, we internalise those attitudes from others and then we feel bad about ourselves.
Shame represents a burden part of us is carrying - but it is NOT who we are and it and it is a temporary feeling.
I want to frame this...
I feel more bad for other people than I do for myself
“Shame Is a self conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation” 💡” so SHAME means I’m imagining in my mind what you are imagining in your mind about me - and it’s not good”
For me that was the LIGHT IN THE DARK , that came through the crack in my isolation
In my personal, vast experience with shame, I can tell you this guy KNOWS what he is talking about and is worthy of listening to and has valuable information to share.
I've been ashamed most of my life I suffered sexual mental and physical abuse from a small child and have never believed I am good enough I had lots of therapy over the years and when I get triggered the shame comes quick and fast and then I put more shame on myself because I'm feeling shame thank you so much for all you said I will certainly try my best to have compassion for myself love and light
Summary
Self-compassion is presented as an antidote to shame. The speaker shares personal experiences and explains the concept of self-compassion and its benefits. They also discuss the nature of shame and its impact on individuals.
Highlights
Self-compassion is a powerful tool for managing difficult emotions, particularly shame.
Self-compassion is not selfishness or weakness, but rather a way of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding.
Shame is a self-conscious emotion with negative self-evaluation.
Shame can be caused by external mistreatment or our own actions, but it should not be a life sentence.
Mindfulness is the first step towards alleviating shame and cultivating self-compassion.
Self-compassion can help reduce shame’s negative effects and improve well-being in various areas of life, including relationships and the workplace.
This explains all of my past relationships. Ive never had a real friend and so when some did reach out, I didnt know how to reciprocate and lost touch.
I have also tolerated things that I should not have many times. Whoops
"Accepting shame as universal and as the result of our longing to be loved" is such an amazing lesson. A million thank yous!
I felt so loved just by watching your video
Thank you for sitting here for almost an hour teaching us how to make our lives better ♥️🙏🏻
Self-absorbtion, isolation, self-doubt - nail on the head that sums up my struggles. Isolation is a kind of pride also, "I'm special, unique". It is very very recently that I actually started identifying that what I might be struggling with is traumatic shaming from childhood and teenage years. Very important trail to follow for self-healing. I am happy I have stumbled upon your video. ...And the kid just wanted to be loved... but the parents didn't quite know how to offer that. So the father kept saying: what's wrong with you, you're weird, you will always be an idiot digging holes" and the step mother said: you're just like your father, always thinking about yourself. You should compromise and admit you're faulty, repent. Listen to that for 20 years, you have a good chance of internalizing it.
I feel shame on a constant basis. It doesn't matter what I do it think, I'm so ashamed of everything I do . I would be sitting and I would get flashbacks of my past behavior or choices and just feel a wave of shame. I try to feel self compassion for some of my self destructive pasty behaviors but I just don't seem to be able to forgive myself. I would verbally say, i forgive myself but the next moment, I just feel shame and self loathing. also when I interact with others, everything they say or do somehow makes me feel less than and ashamed about my own choices and so on. I have BPD. It's a terrible way to live.
Check out Jerry Wise. He has a video about accepting your not being ready to forgive yourself and the paradoxical effect it tends to have in helping you become more ready. Its on his You Tube channel under the title: "The Power of Self Acceptance".
This is literally exactly what I am going through right now as well. I hope you are feeling better.
I hope you are feeling better - one thing to remember - your thoughts are not you. Our thoughts are like out of control teenagers running around in our head. If you can acknowledge the thoughts as that at let them go it can help. Your thoughts are not you and controlling them totally isn’t possible - we can have them feel them and let them go every time. That’s a compassionate act on the self. Sometimes all the self help stuff makes us feel we should be able to control our thoughts - we can’t control them but acknowledge them for what they are
Thank you guy for your advices. I appreciate them.
I scared my shame away when i told it, as if it were a person separate from me, that itself is shameful, then it got scared and shut up because it knows i can shame it back. Sounds silly but it works sometimes.
I’ve been in shame spirals since a traumatic experience
THIS WAS INCREDIBLE! As self compassion goes up, shame goes down!
I have shame induced perfectionism. My perfectionism is driven by shame. I hold myself and others to impossible standards. I would love to buy your book as I continue learning about how to love myself as I am.
Practice at 38 mins 🌹🙏
I believe this is at the cutting edge of psychology/m.health/self help today. This is the missing piece. Shame & self compassion. I have recently started 'visiting' my body, inside, where it tenses or hurts with fear, overwhelm, anger etc. I breathe into it to soften it, I talk to it, ask it what it is storing and trying to show me and why. Soon as I started to do this it was as if a doorway creaked open and self compassion/self love came flooding in. I am now researching all things somatic healing, self compassion, nervous system trauma release hot on the heels of my revelations with mindfulness. And of course shame. Like the silent killer within us all we never talked about and its antidote self compassion we were too busy to ever take seriously. Inner child = the subconscious = the body -when you find the key it all unlocks 💞💥🌄
Out of respect for your non-christian viewers, you might refrain from ''Adam and Eve' references. Thank you.
@@elizabethk3238 I have made no 'Adam & Eve' references and I don't recall him doing so and if he did it would be symbolic wouldn't it
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and your optimism about this breakthrough for All of us. I've also been having some breakthroughs in allowing myself to feel love and support inside my body/self. I especially love your imagery of the doorway creaking open . . . and self compassion flooding in.
This goes deep and you’re explaining is so clear. So compassionate of you to share your own feelings on this topic. Thanks!
Yes, yes and yes. I have been treated so badly and the shame is hard to shake off. Thank you for this very helpful video.
This is a beautiful video and it’s been wonderful to read all the kind and supportive comments. I’ve been operating with tremendous self-contempt for a long time. No wonder I feel so bad.
A few years ago I suffered huge addiction to a substance. It almost killed me , the shame afterwards was even worse than the addiction. I self condemned myself almost every day but as time went on, I accepted the love of Christ and overcame it. Watching this video made me realize that the shame still lingers and affects me sometimes. I feel whole this evening from the exercise and all I can say is healing from anything takes some time and a lot of self compassion. Thank you for this Dr Chris.
Sir we neeed you back! Start uploading again. We love and miss you ❤.
26:10 Shame is an innocent emotion because it arises from a wish to be loved. "The energy of shame is the wish to be loved." (He also discusses that "wish to be loved" may be specifically felt as 'need to belong' or 'need to be respected' etc)
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you so much for recording that! It's super helpful! I feel so lucky to stumble on that video💙
when he started describing the physicalaspect of shame, I felt so seen
31:55 Details on exercises we could do to keep the need to be loved in our minds, great stuff
How did it work for you ?
Suberb. We still channel shame as a child would., As adults, we can say, "Your criticism of me is well-founded and I can correct my mistake" or "This critique does not reflect upon me. It is your opinion only and doesn't affect me." This too is helpful.
thank you so much! i experience immense relief from the shame episodes that happened years ago and kept coming back with the same level of intensity over and over again.. I hope i will be able to turn off the hiding mechanism now as it developed into avoidant behaviour keeping me from meeting new people and taking life opportunities. I feel endlessly grateful for this revelation. To anyone reading this and struggling with the same problems - you are not alone
You want to turn off your 'default mode network' - is like turning off your skill to ' walk' - we learned this toxic shame as toddlers - its in us forever- your stuck with a broken toddler - teach your inner child to laugh and be his/her best friend- thats how i turn it off
The shame episodes have ruined my life and continue to do so, how do I get better? Please give me advice
@@mikey3666 hey Mikey, I have been continuing to learn about my condition and I found that there is a concept of CPTSD to describe childhood trauma. I can say that after years of research this framework seems to be the most helpful. I strongly recommend you to read the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Not only it gives you the clear concept of how the trauma works, it teaches you deep understanding of the mechanisms that trigger trauma driven behaviour. It is aimed to teach you to recognize and systematically fight off shame, tackle panic attacks and overall - really work on the root of the trauma response. I hope you will find it helpful!
AN INSPIRED AFFIRAMTION FOR MYSELF: I quietly, explicitly, and repeatedly offer compassionate words to myself.
My every choice in life has been in service to avoiding the pain of my deep toxic shame. Where I've lived, where I've worked, the people I have and have not associated with. Its liked I've missed out on what I would have liked to do with my life.
Self compassion exercise begins at 37:00 :)
Thank you
Thank you, Chris. This information and practice has helped me to have a massive shift and understanding of what has been keeping me prisoner inside of myself for so many years. I realized that the mechanism of shame has very effectively been covering my true self. The beauty of what I am receiving from your approach is that instead of separation from this part of myself, I feel gratitude and the befriending of shame as the key to unlocking my true self that has lied buried and unexpressed and at this point very much suffocated. It can be so easy to want to dismiss these emotions and keep them invisible, however to really see them and approach them with self-compassion, as you say, is so profoundly beneficial and transformational. Thank you very very much.
I cant't believe this stuff is on YT FOR FREE! THANKS!
Thank you for posting this talk. My piano fluency coach, who puts rhythm first, uses this teaching to help with our embarrassment when we try to 'let go' of self-criticism and shame and express ourselves rhythmically. There's a powerful inner voice asking nastily, 'Who do you think you are?'. The practice works.
Thank you. I have cptsd from childhood abuse that continued into adulthood. I couldnt understand the shame i feel and it helps to know it comes from the need for love and acceptance that i never got. Im also just ashamed for anyone to know the dirty secret of my past that i disguise under a mask of normality which leads me to feel like an imposter. Lovingkindness and Tara Brach have helped so much. My mother just passed away this week.. she was my only confidante. Im glad i found your videos on giving myself love ad wishing myself all the things i wish for others. ❤
Sounds hard to lose a parent
I feel shame all my life. The way I look, the way I talk, my whole being. I’m trying to reach my dream, but shame and anxiety make every steps so painful. I hit myself whenever I feel like I made mistakes. Thanks for the video. Maybe I can think of ways to feel peace with myself
Keep practicing self-compassion (I'm trying too)! Feel for you, take care
I'm been reading Self Compassion by Neff and working on developing it in therapy. I was assigned this video by my therapist. I just want to say I appreciate you and the work you do!
I know this to not be an overstatement when I say I will remember the effect and impact of this video for as long as I consciously live onwards. Thankyou, Sir Christopher. This is nothing less than a gift to humanity you offer free of cost. Thankyou!
Every word of this hour-long video resonated with deep within. I feel blessed, released, and grateful for finding this and I look forward to practicing this for as long as I'd need to.
Thankyou, Sir!
I actually call them "shame attacks" they usually happen after any interaction with others. They also happen after i drink alcohol, though they can also be trigerred by many many things.
Thank you Christopher for offering your wisdom and insights - we all wish to be loved. Offering ourselves in mindful awareness, self-compassion with a sense of common humanity when we feel inadequate, incapable, sad, ashamed, fearful and vulnerable can dissolve the fear of not being accepted or loved. Seeking acceptance and love using harmful behaviours tends to push people away eventually, which leaves us feeling very lonely and unloved.
Thank you so much for this. I can feel the compassion in your voice. I've returned to this video a few times. It's... a bit of an emotional journey reliving the hundreds of shameful memories of my past, but I can feel it making them lighter every time. So thanks for this small gift.
I didn’t come here from tiktok, youtube recommended the video. But I bet all of the traffic from people coming here from TT caused the youtube algorithm to push this video into my feed. Isn’t that beautiful? One person sharing a resource on one platform has had such a big ripple effect. a rare positive result from algorithms.
It is very important the invisibility characteristic of shame, because it leads us to undernotice it and consequently not addressing it. Loved this video. Thank you very much for your help!!!!!
Dear Dr Germer good day.
Thank you indeed ever so much for your eminent and empathic contribution to all of us.
Please know that your healing lessons are going far beyond you can imagine, in helping traumatised fellow humans go a step further in our effort towards consciousness and healing.
I am deeply grateful to you.
This has opened my view on a lot of my behaviors. I used to be very depressed and ashamed of myself when I was younger and it was hard to recover but I did. In truth I never really connected my pain and shame to my behaviors aside from the destructive ones. Your talk has shown me that maybe part of the reason I avert gazes and why I talk quietly could be learned behaviors from my time being terribly ashamed of myself. Now that I've worked on understanding my trauma I think I need to work on relearning behaviors that I inadvertently taught myself through the years. Thanks mister and I hope you have a good day. :)
This gave me goosebumps and a lot to think about...
This is really the most compassionate talk I’ve ever heard on shame… thank you for guiding us through it in ourselves with so much earned wisdom and grace. Thank you, and so grateful for you. I will be returning to this video over and over.
I agree!!!
My husband and I are doing this together, we did your exercise and we plan on incorporating it into our daily work that we are going to do at various times each day. Thank you for being a wonderful instructor, we appreciate your healing knowledge. May you be blessed with love everyday. ❤
Thank you thank you thank you! What an important gift it is to know about self-compassion, and kindness towards oneself when we're feeling shame. I've been listening to all your meditations, they are lovely, and have really helped me to feel better.
28:05 Explains the first illusion of shame, that it feels blameworthy but actually calls for self compassion, followed by exercise
This was very impactful! Wow! Thank you so much!
great point about shame is desire to be loved. Makes sense. Thanks.
This was incredible. Thank you 🖤
Thank goodness it is temporary emotion. This was very helpful for the adult child. Thank you for sharing your self compassion. Looking forward to the exercise
This is one of the most concise, enlightening and perspective-changing videos I've ever seen
I told myself "You are doing your best". I needed to hear that.
Thank you for this video. I have struggled with toxic shame my whole life from CPTSD. Therapy has not worked much for me and I am realizing we are still learning so much about how to heal this. I really like the ideas behind this approach and will try it.
What if we feel self hatred. Part of me doesn’t want to heal the shame, it doesn’t think I deserve to be loved. There’s lots of internal anger towards myself and the more I try to be compassionate towards myself the more it resists… I don’t know how to move forward from this
Sit with it. Feel the emotion in your body. Get out of your head and in your body. Then offer yourself the self compassion. Do it everyday.
You'll get there. Not thinking you deserve that love is also a symptom of shame. All humans deserve love, you are not an exception
This was excellent content, I shared it with a support group for survivors of family scapegoating where many identify intimately with their shame due to the abuse, very compassionately presented as well. Thank you
I have been struggling with shame for a long time, and this video explained it so simply and in a way that is helping me finally be able to understand what is happening. Thank you Dr. Germer!
Thank you!
I needed to hear this… Thank you so much Dr Christopher I really appreciate it.
Invisible shame ✅