7 Costs Of Spending Excess Time In Fantasy Worlds
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- čas přidán 18. 06. 2024
- What happens when spend too much time trying to "escape" from your life?
First off, it is completely understandable to want to escape from your life at times. This world isn't setup in a way that fits everyone - every personality and persona.
But there are some costs that come with doing this too frequently and for extended periods of time. I want you to know the costs, as well as, some other ways to manage this reality.
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What’s Inside:
0:00 - Introduction
5:00 - Cost 1: Idealization of Crafted Realities
8:03 - Cost 2: Impact on Social Skills and Relationships
13:26 - Cost 3: Misallocation of Resources and Time
16:45 - Cost 5: Diminished Cognitive Performance and Attention
19:25 - Cost 6: Imagination and Disconnection from Reality
22:25 - Cost 7: Escapism and its Impact on Real-World Experience
25:55 - Summary: Understanding the 7 Costs of Excessive Fantasy Engagement
Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client. But I do care.
Daydreaming is bad but waking up from it one day is worse.
I'm 54. I've spent most of my life being, what I call, "in my head" I never thought of it as a fantasy world. This is probably why I have nothing in real life.
I've been daydreaming since childhood to help me escape the emotional abuse I was going through. I still do this as an adult and it's to the point where I don't try to make my life better. My mind was the only safe place as a kid, and now I have to let it go, so I can build a fulfilling life for myself. Its the only comfort I get, and yet I know I have to let it go.
He's essentially talking about Complex PTSD. The symptoms are similar to ADHD.
I spent my entire childhood and well into adulthood (mid 40’s) fantasizing/daydreaming as well. I never chose to stop, but one day, I was forced to. The ability just left me one day (partly due to acquired aphantasia).
I spent the next several years going through absolute hell, but I have made a lot of changes and am still actively working on things and while it doesn’t always feel like it, they are slowly getting better.
@@RS-of8odDon’t take advice from some random person on the internet. See a professional if you need help. You might or might not have PTSD.
@@anxylum how did you acquire it?
@@Oddity00 I don’t know, but as far as I can tell it happened one night. I still remember the last image I saw. My doctors and therapists think it may have been medication I was on, or more likely due to PTSD. My anxiety absolutely skyrocketed after I lost my ability to visualize, it felt claustrophobic and scary. It comes back in little flashes every now and then, and it’s almost always something negative, so I guess I should be thankful for the aphantasia.
I am sober 18 years and I have said so many times that fantasy was my first drug. I would put on music and disappear. I still do it. I don’t know who I am outside of it. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and encouragement.
CONGRATS!!! I Am Also Sober Over 18 Years✊ & Working HARD On My Sober Self!! It's SO WORTH IT!!! Drinking & Being Drunk Was Like Living Life Totally Dissociated!!!😱😭
Spirituality is called "fantasy" as well by many MDs and psychiatrists. Ive found meditation to be a life-savior as well as prayers to what you perceive as "sources"/"God or however you perceive him/her/it? I believe the 12 step program mention this?
@@Melchersson Yes! So Many People Are Challenged By Even The Concept Of A "Higher Power"....But As Attend AA Meetings & See The Same People - Their Spiritual Selves Heal & Open! Without God - I Would Not Only Not Be Sober - I Would Have Died In Terrible Pain In The ER In April Of 2005....SEVERE Pancreatitis....After I Pulled Thru & Was Admitted To The Hospital For Treatment - The Doctor Told Me They Didn't Expect That I Would Live Considering My Condition When I Had Arrived The Previous Night By Ambulance - Even Though I Came In With NO Alcohol In My Blood....They Couldn't "Cure" Me - My Body Had To Decide If It Could Heal & I Would Live ...That Was God! People Discount The Value & The Importance Of Spirituality!
@@maureendrozda9960 Thanks for sharing! My life story is full of drug or alcohol addiction. They still have me on benzodiazepines and addictive sleeping pills? Well, I am allowing them to do so, is a more accurate statement.
In some stages of anxiety or depression, addictive drugs can be effective and used for a short while, and in my case, it was life-saving at the moment. But now the "moment" is over and I feel enough is enough and told my psychiatrist its about time, to lower the dozes slowly! / God Bless you and your loved ones, sister!
@@maureendrozda9960 Big Pharma is a bunch of some of the worst criminals on the planet! I noticed my local MD used a pen with the Pfizer logo and he prescribed mostly Pfizer-manufactured addictive pain and anxiety medications to me, with the very same pen.
People put too much trust in medications overall.
i didn't know living in a fantasy was this common. i feel less shame about this. ❤
You're among friends. Accepting reality, truly loving it, and working on our own thinking so we are in tune with reality and not some external fantasy that would let us not improve ourselves... this is our task now.
@@y_yy_2844Exactly Right.❤
No shame, it's how you got through. You're a strong, creative survivor and should be proud. Keep going. ❤
I don't feel shame because real life SUCKS 😅
Same.
Damn. No one has talked about this and this applies to me so much. Since I was a kid I would get so invested in fantasy worlds and day dream so vividly with music. I find myself doing this all the time and haven’t found anyone who relates. Novels are so hard for me because my life sucks in comparison. Going into the new year my goal is to move away from this because it’s detrimental to my well being. Once again, thank you for what you do. You are SAVING lives and impacting people more than you will ever know.
People do talk about the actual problem -- Complex PTSD. The fantasy bit is called "maladaptive daydreaming"... also "limerance" is part of it
@@Heyu7her3Not everyone is fluent in therapy speak and psychology terminology. They may not know that there is a word for “that thing they do”. Even if they know the word, they may not the scope of the symptoms. It is why it is so important that we have people like this content creators who can can break it down. Consider for example people who experience synesthesia. They don’t come out of the womb knowing that term nor do they realize that NOT everyone experiences the world in the same manner.
I am 56, I have been using this for most of my life. I have never thought of it in the way you have explained it, nor have I ever heard a mental health professional talk about it. This will be a hard habit to change for me 😢
What about when you've spent your entire life (50+ years) trying to build a good life for yourself only to have it elude you forever? I can see where this would be helpful for a young person, but what about when you are nearing retirement age and still have not been able to build the life that you want? Spending time devoted to a fantasy might truly be all you will ever have. I know another person who is also in their late 50's who is in the same boat as I am, and we both say that we don't know what we would do without our fantasies, because we have spent our whole lives struggling and suffering only to have our lives get worse, not better, and now it's too late to do anything but enjoy what little time we have left the best way we can. We are also both autistic, and autistic people spend a lot of their time in fantasy worlds because we can barely survive in this world. In this case, I think it really is a survival mechanism.
Maybe you are lucky you have creativity. It’s not too late to create something different…
Same age, can relate. Do what you gotta do, you’ve earned it. It’s not true that if you work hard, success will come. It’s ok, you can just enjoy the here and now when you can, you know how to cooe and do the hard yards, no need for any more practice at that! Take care, look after yourself and your mates. You’re not alone with this. Young people have no way of understanding how hope can be eroded over decades.
Find a good therapist and work on building a better life. You're only 50, you could still live for decades longer.
In my opinion, if one can manage it well, fantasy doesn't just make life more bearable, but also more functional. I'm sure it has helped you going thru things and you've made it this far, I'd say celebrate it ❤ Sorry that not everything worked out as well as you want to, but hey, you've done your best and survived! And I totally can respect that. Don't mind other people.
@@jenniferroy6288 I've lost my ability to be creative due to autistic burnout, perimenopause, depression, anxiety. I was never able to make much money off it anyway, even when I did have it.
First of all: Thank you for this very important message.
Second of all: This screams for a part two.
The actual steps you took to muster up the energy courage stamina resilience and whatever you encountered when fighting yourself a way back to real life.
I am almost 50 and only gotten worse with maladaptive daydreaming and my discontentment with real life has gotten as problematic as you stated: social skills, isolating, hypercritical, and I try to push through but it leaves me feeling depleted for the amount of effort it takes me for what looks like/feels like very little payoff (if any).
So ... Staying on this road paints a picture of a bitter old lonely cat woman I am determined NOT to become, on the other hand, HOW?? I find the reality of daily life so incredibly not fulfilling, it feels like doing time.
Looking forward to all your future video's on this topic!
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Seriously I could use an entire course on fighting against this instead of letting it win nearly every day
A part two would be really good. Until then, might I suggest exercise as a starting point? Any exercise that you might like, whether alone or in a group: long walks, running, swimming, whatever. The important thing is not which exercise, but that you like it enough to do it. My exercise is also self-defense: Jujutsu. I was 48 when I started and am now 62 and am still at it - so don't tell yourself you're too old. And if you don't feel like it on some particular day, tell yourself "just 5 minutes". If after 5 minutes you don't want to continue, then don't. But often it is like snacking: a little bit and suddenly you want more.
@@wh44 Great way to put it, exercise is wonderful. Starting small & giving 1% is always better than nothing, even if you gave more yesterday. It’s all about not falling back to 0% for a consistent period. You have a good mindset friend, keep it up
@@wh44 Thank you for your comment, funny thing is I always advise exercising to people who feel low, and like life is passing them by with them being more like an onlooker than a participant.
The thing is, I already exercise most days of the week, HIIT and training for a half marathon and taking cold showers (Wim Hof method) and the list goes on of all the things I do to "heal".
THAT is what I meant with little pay off for so much effort. All my resources are going towards "healing"/ "getting a life", but as I said, feels like doing time and does not make me feel anymore connected / feel a sense of community (you can work out together for years but you don't get quality one on one bond building, this goes for any group activity really, it helps with a certain type of loneliness, but not the existential type)
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@@evadebruijn If your exercise feels like a burden, try something else. The best exercise in the world won't help if it drains your motivation so that you stop. If you want to socialize in your sport and you're not getting that, then try a sport where you can socialize. Half my social circle is now "Jiukas" (Jujutsu practitioners).
If you do want to try a martial art or similar, ask if you can observe or even try out before joining - if you cannot, that's a red flag. If it's all young men, that's also a red flag: such groups tend to be more competitive, less social, and less helpful. Be sure the trainer treats everyone with respect.
Yes I made the realization this year that I needed to stop living on the internet. I feel the difference, but it’s not fun working on social skills. I dread events
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"
Don't you think that spending a time in a fantasy world might be a psychological necessity, especially when your present life is too hard to bear, and it is much beyond your power to change it, at least for the time being? Of course, we always run the risk of addiction. But it is a necessary relief before coming back to reality.
But is is truly a relief?
If it enhances your reality, then yes, like coming home from a vacation all refreshed, battery charged.
But if it is to escape reality, and coming home is extra unpleasant because of that stark contrast with that paradise like feel on that remote island, then more time spent on that island will not help with having the home life feel less burdensome.
To create a life you do not need an escape from would be the wiser long term solution to grow out of being unhappy with where you're at.
But I totally see your point of psychological necessity, if it is chosen consciously, temporarily, while main focus stays on what IS in your power/where you have choice and the freedom to choose differently.
The thing is these things rarely are temporary, they become a habit, and habits are very hard to break so best not to cultivate them to begin with, as in an prevention being better than cure (I would like to say this to my younger self, spending so much time depressed in bed. An ex-partner taught me how even being on the couch all day is still an important step better than staying in bed when going through a depression episode.)
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Yes 🙌 my daydreaming recharges me thru life. People say they need vacation after hard days at work 😂 well the vacation I need is inside my mind
... that's what he's talking about
Everything in moderation
@@evadebruijnI think fantasy can be a tool to make our lives better, such as creating things and pursuing art because art can be shared in the real world, and that's why the ruling classes always want to suppress the creativity of the working class. If we gave ourselves the time to create shareable different worlds, we just might fight to manifest them in reality and they wouldn't want that.
Earlier this year I began to crawl my way out of the fantasy hole after 23 years of dissociating and daydreaming. I have lived much of my life as if I were watching it as a movie. Beginning to leave this coping mechanism behind has been very painful, but I'm glad to hear that it may be worth the effort. Thank you!
Anyone else feel like social media perpetuates these fantasy worlds?
Social Media really makes us lose grip on reality, and want to escape the life right in front of us. All the comparisons, expectations, and overloads of information we absorb bring us father and farther away. Gotta get back to reality.
Social media is seriously a curse on humanity.
Especially when every available legal option to keep us engaged is put to use and we get to live in parallel realities where the us and them do not talk to each other anymore but only talk about eachother which can't ever lead to a constructive outcome when there's issues.
Maybe the next war should not be on drugs but on everything that messes with our brains and nervous systems especially the dopamin reward system.
Take the power back!
Great moment to log off CZcams and go do something else 👍😄🙏
what is reality to you?
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Outside of meditation and spirituality circles I've never heard a psychologist talk about this severely under-discussed mental health topic.
To the extent that we are lost in our thoughts and daydreaming, we are missing the majority of our lives and waking up to how much time has been lost to it already is a painful pill to swallow. It negatively affects everything.
It is very correlated with ADHD and depression.
Even after "spiritual awakening", seeing through the veil of thought, the habit of daydreaming is so entrenched it requires perpetual, vigilant self-inquiry to counteract. Not to mention the massive amount of backlogged trauma and trapped emotion that must be felt and released.
Maladaptive daydreaming is more addictive than drugs and I'm positive is even more excruciating to withdraw from.
I hold the barbaric "schooling" system more to blame than any other factor for this mental pandemic. The creative imagination of the child is severely thwarted in its process and divorced from expression and application in real life, it retreats inward into personalized fantasy.
I kinda unintentionally did cut most of that (much less time with games, anime, books) out for the last 2.5 years and focused more on my life at work, but what that lead me to was 2 years of misery, depression, and maybe developing/discovering BPD. I've hit my limit now and resolved to stop attempting to feel better there, distance myself and just drown myself in games/books.
Thank you for this video! I had a terrible childhood, where I felt so unloved, helpless, hopeless, neglected and abused. The pains were too great for my child brain, that it did find a brilliant and least self-destructive way to survive: fantasy escapism(books, movies and video games). Thanks to my coping mechanism, I never took drugs nor ever got involved with the criminal youths in my neighborhood. But that same mechanism is now so maladaptive, because I'm an adult with much more responsibilities. I can't afford to neglect my real life. You are right about every points. Yes I do feel more depressed whenever I've been too long in my fantasy, and having to get back to real life.
Love your contents, sir!
This happens with regular people too. Even if you don't have a fantasy world in your head, going into a conversation or a situation expecting it to go exactly how you imagined it will only lead to disappointment. Who hasn't experienced that?
In your example, your “expectation” is the fantasy world.
If not for my fantasy (or fantasies), I'd have nothing. Nothing. I'm getting old, and I found myself going to fantasies more and more the older I got. Reality has always hurt too much.
Fantasy world is a great comfort zone.... Thats why we return to it, to feel safe.
I’ve never heard anyone talk about this, nor did I realize it was so wide spread. Thank you for the insight.
I found that all of those law of attraction/assumption/manifestation related beliefs and behaviors contribute in exacerbating this problem when at the end of the day as you mentioned it's about not reinforcing the cognitive deficit already in place.
Hi!! I'm a 25 year-old Japanese woman.
One of the mental struggles that I've been wanting to overcome is daydreaming.
But it's so hard not to daydream and I keep doing it on a regular basis. Probably because I'm getting something out of it.
I would appreciate it if you could talk about the cause of daydreaming and how to overcome it.
Anyway, Thank you so much for talking about this!!
I'm no licensed specialist, but I can share my experiences and understanding hoping you find them helpful.
In general terms, (as I see it) daydreaming is a maladaptation of the conscience to a stress of some kind with which you can't deal at the moment. I can't guess what the stress or stresses might've been for you, but it can be something you either deeply dislike about your life, or something you'd want to change, or maybe an experience you wish you haven't had. You can try to pinpoint the cause of daydreaming through any mindfulness exercises, for example meditation. You can also visit a mental health specialist all by yourself or in a group. I bet you have at least a general idea of what's wrong, so try exploring it.
Overcoming can be started right now. You only need professional help to finish it, not to begin (at least unless it worsens to an emergency, which to my understanding is not the case). Try doing sports, hobbies, socializing, doing something new, learning new habits. This is all possible starting this moment and it's always useful whether you know the reasons of your daydreaming or not.
@@divinespark4987 Thank you so much for your reply.
I really appreciate it.
Are you an artist ? Daydreaming isn’t always a bad thing. Creative people daydream.
This is what he’s talking about right now. He calls it living in a fantasy world but part of that is day dreaming.
Could also be a symptom of "inattentive-type ADHD". It's one of the disorders he mentions at the beginning. It's also the prevalent form of ADHD diagnosed in women.
I used to spend a lot of time fantasizing as a child and young adult, especially when I was suffering from a painful untreated illness. I had this elaborate daydream that involved all my friends and all my favorite fictional characters and music, and I'd spend hours pacing and imagining it. I think in my case it wasn't entirely maladaptive-- I'm autistic and it seemed to help me process my emotions about my friends. Bu I think it was also a shitty outlet for my desire to tell stories and explore narrative techniques. Eventually I got serious about my writing again and I haven't felt the need to go back to those fantasies since then.
For a while, I thought I was completely done fantasizing, but eventually I figured out I was still using limerence and fantasies about the future to escape-- still not as often as I did when I had the fantasy daydream story, but enough to crush me when reality didn't turn out the way I wanted. With those kinds of daydreams (especially ones about the future) I could never stand to just sit around and think about it--I felt (and still feel) a strong need to try to make it reality.
These days, I treat daydreams as signs that point me toward things I might be missing in life. If I'm daydreaming about being in a band, that probably means I miss spending time with music. If I'm daydreaming about moving to rural Europe and hiking for weeks at a time, I'm probably frustrated that not getting enough solitude in nature. If I'm starting to feel limerent toward someone who seems to idealize me, maybe I'm trying to make up for my internalized shame.
You can get by pretty well in my rural country of Bulgaria, especially if you have income streams from your place. Rural houses are so cheap they are almost for free, after some renovation you can grow your food. It's lush like Naboo.
My X husband seems like he did this. He was always so invested in other people's stories and lives. He constantly rejected me and our kids. Nothing we ever did or were was good enough or right for him. You've given me something to think about. You've answered some part of my why question.
Oh wow this is an excellent and relevant topic thank you for discussing it! I had been completely entrenched in fantasy worlds or 'maladaptive daydreaming' since I was a child. Back then it was either being a 'saviour' and happy place to disappear to and have an amazing vibrant different life - OR - I'd take myself to an AWFUL and not-positive fantasy world situaion. I believe because my depression and pain had no outlet and I didn't understand it in my real life, so I needed something upsetting to happen to validate my feelings. BUT now in my 40s this lifetime of escapisim has been unbelievably DAMAGING to me - as now I am trying to heal from a lot of things and stop doing this my real life can feel raw, brittle and just wrong. It's been a long journey to leave this behind.
Really reassuring to read something I could have almost written myself.
My daydreams have gotten less since I‘ve started therapy, but lately I‘ve disappeared into characters that are sick and need rest. Guess who might need a little more rest 👀…
Yep, I’m fully with you guys… how do you even begin leaving this self - made rabbit hole? 😢
Ive spent way too long in fantasy worlds where im being atta ked and simulating fears and fights and such actually taking place in my mind causing me to always dissociate. They feel real and my body responds as such. Always robbing my of mypeace and leading to bipolar shifts. I find myseld becoming volatile. Its a defense mechanism to prepare urself for the worst as if the worst is actually literally taking place.
Most creative people are prone to having fantasy. But I think the best/ most cathartic works of fiction have a maturity and immersiveness that comes from real experience. If anything, it is the interest in and love of other people that craft meaningful characters. I really urge fellow artists out there to just go out even if it might be painful sometimes, because growth is beautiful.
We have a society that encourages and rewards avoidance. Nobody need do anything discomforting, inconvenient or distasteful. No incentive to grow
I wonder if there is a way to spend a healthy amount of time in a fantasy world of your own creation when you’re a writer who creates fantasy worlds? I can see how it makes my life harder sometimes but without that creative expression I wouldn’t be living my life to the fullest.
I don’t think he means having a good imagination.
I very much relate and also call for a part 2!!! Daydreaming heavily each day since feeling trapped during childhood emotional abuse, with much fantasy interaction. Realized my seemingly inescapable internet addiction/escapism this year is another extension of that and determined to start working to break free.
I think some incarcerated people develop fantasy worlds and share some of it with a loved one on the outside, as a way to survive doing the time together. Finding a way back to reality might be a huge factor in reducing recidivism. If you developed a structured way to "get back to reality" and this was made into an intervention and studied, it could make a difference for many people who have been given up on.
As someone who's battled for years with nearly destroying my life through escapism and gaming (especially MMOs), I thank you for this. It's given me a lot to think about as I work to rebuild a real life again. It has become so common, sadly. I'd love to see a part two! A huge thank you goes out to you for putting out such relatable content!
thank you . for 😢your honesty . I've always lived to be successful, happy. and. NOW at 75, I find life can hurt . WOW. LOVE your honesty.
This is so relating to the point that it hurts. 🎯 I have been daydreaming more often lately as I am currently moving on (not really so) from a 9-yr relationship. It has been so hurtful that daydreaming have been my savior and escape at the same time. I have been like this since I'm 10yrs old now 2 decades+ later I am still daydreaming. Even my dog gets confused coz he would often caught me talking when there is no one else in the room. Im not crazy (maybe I am lol) but most of the times I get carried away that I am verbalizing my talks/conversation in my dreamday. Also I realized that I have so many memories with my family, former relationship that I cannot remember (unless reminded) because I daydream sooo often. 😢
Thank you for reminding me this. Truth hurts, but these lies hurt even more. Knowing that none of those daydreams were true. Yes they were comforting and kinder to me compared to my reality but I missed out so much in my life. It wont be easy but I know in the long run it will be worth it. ❤
Thank you so much! I've been doing this since I was a teen, and I'm 41, my life is a mess. I'm the cautionary tale, I feel like I'm losing grip on reality so hard that even when I try to do something to improve my actual life, I lose precious hours imagining possible outcomes.
Please help us with a second part on how to stop. I'll be doing my best to avoid daydreaming from now. Also, I'm going to stay tuned in for any resources you can give us. Thank you again. Ps. I'm starting to read your book.
Wow finally someone addressing this,,,, daydreaming is a symptom!!!
I guess even if you're just wishing that people were different than they are or the world was different than it is, would you fall into this fantasy world idea? I've never been addicted to video games, anime, or anything like that, but just being isolated and wishing things were different in relationships and the world tends to come up often.
I'm trying some of your techniques for depression/anxiety. So far, they are helpful. I made myself go to the family gathering yesterday and actually had a decent time. Thanks, Dr. Scott.🙂
This is my experience as well. Magical thinking. Wishing the world would be different, more accepting of autism and disabilities. It involves a grieving process. I almost feel like I have a complete block or resistance to fantasy world, having very little imagination and inability to visualize (aphantasia).
This is huge:
I made myself go to the family gathering and actually had a decent time
These successes need to be celebrated for the lived experience is the only sustainable incentive to stay on track, so here's to you 💪🥳👍‼️
Please do a part 2. I have binged on Christmas movies and everything you said makes full sense. My husband and kids are big gamers
The most important video I’ve watched in a while. I lost so much in 2023 due to my living in my fantasy world. Thank you so very much❤
THIS has impacted me and all of us who have perhaps lived under that heavy rock and we felt “alone”, yet normal to live that “way”. I, with a ton more viewers, highly suggest to continue on this topic. The last two minutes while obscure to find “methods”, it is something I am dealing with as I go thru a divorce. This comes from a true sense of feeling: the day or moments you realize imagination didn’t work SUCKS to no end. But the days/weeks after those two days have been awesome, if that is even allowed to describe by. I am NOT even close to being “me”, but reading books, exercise, saying “no”, has helped. Whatever any of us does to stop this “addiction”, I wish you all success, from my sincere side. Doctor, please I beg you kindly to consider more in depth on this topic. You are a hero by bringing this out. I feel shame I have lived that way, but to hell with that addiction. Thanks, jcd
One thing I've learned from all of my addictive/fantasy tendencies (gaming, masturbation, music, weed, sugar, Islam which I'll get to, shopping) is that they can also involve some engagement in reality; in friendships and social situations (i.e. peer pressure), also in volunteering. Another thing can be that a new addiction serves as a sequel to an old addiction, meaning that the main reason the person can't kick the habit is not because he fears withdrawal, but relapse into the old addiction (e.g. Methadone replacing heroin). Speaking of friendships; that's very often the greatest cost if you kick the habit, hence you keep going. I think many people know these days how dreadful loneliness can be.
As much as games can be addictive, I have to believe that had it not been for games, many people would've instead turned to drugs/alcohol, suicide, crime (in real life as opposed to in many games, e.g. for excitement/adventure). Thus it ain't really the games' fault. One thing that's never brought up by therapist circles, but I think should be, is how car dependency has impacted North America: Lack of daily movement, obesity, less daily exposure to people (due to lack of public transport and walking/biking), car costs, pollution and climate change (hurricane Katrina, wildfires), bigger roads and parking lots, less room for nature and useful facilities etc. It's hard not to believe that's caused some additional depression in many lives.
Being from Sweden; I've been very exempt from all that, except for climate change to a degree. After having compared all of my tendencies after listening to this, I have to say nothing comes anywhere close to Islam. Why? Well, this could apply to any religion, but Islam is what happened to me. It all started with peer pressure in 2015 and seemed harmless. I'd been thinking about Islam for many years prior without knowing much. Turned out I knew nothing before, cause now my whole life turned upside down never to be the same again.
Like any religion, I couldn't question my new-found faith nor leave. It became all about heaven or hell; this life didn't matter, it's just a test. The only thing that matters is following the religion correctly regardless of consequences. At first I wasn't trying to escape anything, but now I had to simply not go to hell. And this was pushed steadily by scholars; I wasn't just living in my own head. I saw my life fall apart and I desperately wanted to go back again and pull it together, but Islam wouldn't allow me.
Eventually my own body wouldn't allow me to continue with Islam fully. It came just in time in 2020. Now I had debilitating chronic fatigue for the years to come, once again hooked on games and masturbation like when I was a teenager. At first it was all "Qadr Allah" (God's plan), but realizing gradually that Islam had caused all this (masturbation is haram btw, but I've never used porn for it), I left in September 2022 and never looked back. I automatically lost interest in games in late 2021 already and I've cut down on MB just recently.
The thing about Islam is that I firmly believed I was engaging in reality. During those years I hardly ever gamed much less MB'd. Only recently I've realized Islam was all a fantasy, an addiction in fact. Gaming and MB made me in fact get back to reality in the given circumstance, sharing those interests with many others online, eventually wanting to be more outdoors around strangers and crowds. It taught me stuff I'd otherwise never learned, and thus I can apply that to reality (let alone post this very comment) instead of just escaping it all.
You should definitely do a part 2 on the subject of fantasizing.
My mother literally taught me how to dissociate and escape into fantasy when I was 5yo.
Not an exaggeration, not a euphemism.
Sat my-5yo-self down and gave me detailed instructions.
Dr. Scott, thanks so much for your videos. I just found your channel. I feel like you are exactly expressing what I feel at the moment. I just came back to my hometown after a long time staying abroad. In that country, I had a hard time integrating myself because the culture is really different from mine. I am a very creative and imaginative person so that I sometimes lived in a fantasy world before, but abroad I really distanced myself from everything and was all by myself for a long time because I felt I don't fit in. Now that I am back home, I often have the feeling that the real world is flawed and surreal. I am now searching for jobs and sometimes think that this is not real. I often had the feeling that I am loosing my mind abroad and now here too. I never realized that I might have built a fantasy world for myself because I am very sensitive, and the real world can hurt me severely. Maybe you can make a video on how to stay "sober" and/or how sensitive people can still survive in this world. 🙂
Another video where i have realized so much..Dr Scott..your youtube channel must be such a help to so many people who would never get this quality of advice..my hero of 2023...sending love from Cornwall..England
Sometimes the fantasy world helps you get through the real world
Then Change your real world. It won’t be easy.
I have not been there done that, but:
"Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life."
Eckhart Tolle
My dreams are the only things that keep me going. Without them I would have killed my self a long time ago.
I think it’s fitting yet bittersweet that I watched this in the first week after the loss of my (toxic) mother. I've been a mental escapist for the majority of my almost 52 years. It’s going to be tough to build a healthy mental state and happy single life, but I both want to... and need to. This was one more very big truth bomb added to the arguments why it's so important that I do.
Thank you for not shying away from difficult and painful truth. You are like few other counselors out there because you understand from personal experience what it’s like to be at unhealthy, absolute rock bottom.
Hello! Im fairly new to your content.🙋🏼♀️
I've never heard anyone talk so clearly about the fantasy world and how it keeps us from really engaging with friends, life or in particular, romantic relationships because we've conditioned ourselves to be disappointed by real people.
It helps so much hearing someone talk about it that also has experienced it, not just studied it in books. Happy New Year!🎉
Seems like you know just what I need to hear and focus on. You really do a great job of choosing topics. Thanks for all your help
Hello from Montreal, Canada!
Looking forward to this Dr. Scott!
Thank you, Dr. Eilers. I'm looking forward to this and hoping to learn a thing or two. I'm always striving to be a better person and keep my mental health on track.
Put off watching this for weeks cause I knew it'd hit right home. And it did, but with your kindness I could hear and face it. So thank you so much
This is just another super great video. I find them all useful and clear. Thanks.
So helpful!!!! Thank you sooooo much for your presence and sharing this!!!!! I love the analogy to getting sober and living in real time confronting things head on...so hard and your sharing your journey is encouraging!
Totally on point Dr.! Especially the part about Attention Span. Also communication skills go down the tube literally.
Thanks this was very thought provoking. Hope for a part 2, be well ✌️
Wow. This video really hit home. I have been doing this a lot. Not with like video games but in my mind. Thank you, this really helped!!!! Your videos are helping me so much!
Yep, really needed to hear this. Finally I am sensing on an emotional "knowing" level the truths you shared here. Thank you, I really needed someone to speak this in the way you did. An optimistic dread about how to untrain myself out of this way of living is calmly clear, the vulnerability required to do the work is quite intimidating, leting go of the comfort my fantasys that brings me will require so much courage to set these mental boundaries that will have to be set is going to be the challengelege of my life. Thank you for helping me see me see
This is a great topic idea. Thank you, let’s keep talking about it on Part 2.
Love your videos! I appreciate your brutally honest approach! You have helped me so much!
Dr. Scott, you are a very special man talking about vulnerable topics. Thank you .
"You will own nothing and you will like it" that is our future and you think I want to escape our reality? no kidding...There are many more examples I could include but that is the most representative of the bunch. I escape to cope with what will come.
I admire your commitment to a metaphor
I have actually imagined myself at least doing my taxes on time or even ahead of time 😅
Wow. I came back after a while because thanks to your earlier videos I have had some changes in my thinking and my life has been better. But the topics you cover are surprisingly relevant and useful, I thought about this but 1)I couldn't process it thoroughly, and 2)maybe because I don't play games, or use any substances, I was lying to myself a little bit that I didn't get affected by my escapism. Now here I am learning more about myself!.
I'm listening for the 3rd time and taking notes to reflect on this further. I'm waiting for part 2 if you will make it. But realizing these things is already so helpful.
Thank you for the truth bombs, Dr. Scott. 😂
Thank you for having started and still maintaining your side gag.
Thank you so much for all your videos and the personal experience you share.
Sounds like your wife is a wonderful person as well btw
Stumbled across your channel and I have to thank you for creating these contents. They are tremendously insightful and it nails the issues on the dot. I've been struggling with these symptoms for many years and I'm actively searching for solutions. Thank you Dr Scott. Hailing from Malaysia.
This was powerful. Thank you
What a great topic! Such an important one, we all have to be conscious about what is reality and what’s fantasy and which one is ultimately more important!
I'm absolutely mind blown about how much this video's message aligns with the past decade of my life. Kind of makes me sad that I didn't find a video like this years ago. Things have changed drastically since then but it took flipping my life upside down to accomplish it.
I feel that. Never too late to improve!
Wow you cover most things people don’t so glad you’re sharing your insights. I know what disassociation feels like.
I needed to hear this.
Thank you very much for this talk. It helps me very much to better understand a loved one who I am worried about. It is a special gift.
So grateful for this very real down to earth talk about mental health. Thank you 🙏🏼
How do you know my brain soooo well?!?! I’ve never heard another person understand my inner world so well without even knowing me.
I’m not religious but growing up my mom would take us to church. I remember that she found a priest that would give his Sunday sermon (I that’s what they are called) and she said that she felt that it always had a message about how to deal with something she was going through that week. That’s how I feel about your videos. I’ll be ruminating about something and then I’ll check CZcams and there you are with a video that addresses exactly what I’m going through.
I’ll always comment this, please keep going and making videos. I literally don’t comment on any videos ever. But I feel like this is the least I can do. You are saving lives.
I'm 70, spend most of my time in a near-fantasy world and I love it. I function and thrive as well as anyone. I rise to occasions and real-life situations as they happen and accept my responsibilities. I have very good self-care, longtime friends, a happy marriage, and enjoy my post-retirement parttime job. I'm an artist and writer and being in a fantasy world has made me better at both. I have the advantage of AGE in a world that is crumbling and beyond repair. What's more delusional than fantasy is to carry on with magical thinking or hope that the world will reverse its course. It will never happen.
I hope you are not mad, that I am calling you by your first name, but this topic is, as you have pointed out many times over, veeeery personal, Scott. This is the third time I am watching this, while very ironically, playing a video game that I know very well of, I am addicted to. All of the painful reasons that this messes up all kinds of relationships towards self and others and the way it transforms the thinking, I can attest to.
But I have come to realize, that I not only play for the escape from overwhelm in real life, but, as I am on the way of finishing my masters, the clear-cut and easy to follow instructions of the game. I am more addicted to that than any of the character building, getting items and being good stuff. I just want to dabble around doing easy stuff where my mind can just shut off. Its not so easy for me to get in real life, because everything is linked to something hard. Reading research articles, finishing projects, writing essays, preparing presentations, what not.
And my PTSD, anxious, sometimes depressed mind, is just sooooooooooo easy to overwhelm these days. Like I am the happiest on earth when I can somewhat keep to my schedules, but when there is a single appointment or deadline or anything minor coming on top, I feel like crashing. I can feel my dysregulation running and although I am now more mindful of what role my thought patterns and things like that, have a play in this. I still have a hard time managing re-regulating.
And then there is this game. Its World of Warcraft, you probably know or heard of it. I have played it as a teenager when all of the emotional mess was happening and I have sticked to it. There were years when I could quit for months at a time and even last year I didnt play much, here and there an hour. I mean, I know its boring, I can feel it, when I play it, but my overwhelm doesnt care about it being a fun experience. I just want an alternative world where I can manage life, like you have described in your Sims example.
Objectively my life is great at the moment. I can hardly believe that I even came this far already with all the mental handicaps. And deep inside, I know that all these years, that all the dreams I had in those times, that all the things I actually wanted to do, have never been realised. Those years are kinda lost. And my brain is not able to remember right now, but I think you have mentioned this too. Like, there is so much regret and grief attached to it. I know that everyone has their own story of losing years to something, that they feel regret over. The game has also helped me out to at least escape some of the emotional pain and overwhelm and I probably wouldnt be here if there never has been a way for my brain to shut off. So I am also grateful for it.
But yeah, as I am already on it - I lastly want to mention, on how I can still handle, not wasting my whole day (like I did for years). I plan ahead, obviously. There are 3 pillars everyday that I have for myself. 1. Enough sleep/rest 2. I need my 60-90mins walk or sports 3. Nutritious food (best case, cooking). I always know when I want to go out for the walk, I always know when I want to eat and have to prepare food and when I want to go to sleep in order not to feel messed up. I also have two projects to finish until next week, so what I always do now is structure the work in many small tasks. Like, what I need to research, how much time I need to format the file at the end, how and what kind of data I wanna use, blabla. So everyday I take 2-3 tasks from the list, that take me around 1-2 hours and I always start with the easiest after breakfast, just to get myself going, having easy access to accomplishments and the feeling of "I got this, I can handle this" after midday I probably tackle the harder problems where I need more time usually, but I dont overwork - if I cant finish it - I do it the next day first. And at last in the evening, doing an easy task again. Filtering some data or copy&pasting stuff or whatever. Here and there I log in inbetween, but I always have alarms set, so that I realize, what time it is and what I still have to do.
Pffuu... thats a longass comment, I usually dont do these. 😂 Anyways - I really enjoy watching your content, Scott - if you happen to have read it until this point - could you share how you have set your time for gaming? You said you have been gradually decreasing it as well - how? Did you set alarms, timers or did you allocate a special time of the day/week for gaming, etc.?
- To
Living vicariously has been my escape hatch. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Opt out of living, you will be excluded, watch the "party" thru a keyhole.
There are ALOT of novels waiting to be written by dreamers.
Thankyou, Scott, for lighting the fire under our collective butts about this matter. The part about atrophied social skills is an owie. Kinda kicks me off of my cloud
I wish I lived in a fantasy world. But I know that wouldn’t help my reality. So gratefully, I haven’t stepped off that other cliff yet. 🤷♀️
Does this mean you should not “dream big”? Because that’s how I have (mostly) always reached my goals. I literally have woken up, sat on my bed and said to myself “This thing I’m dreaming about for a while now, I AM pursuing this goal.” It’s literally like that - SNAP. And then I’m hellbent to reach it until I do. I’m a goat like that.
I do admire your courage to share your personal life with the whole world. Your metaphors are so helpful in getting your points across to your viewers. I have found your wisdom and advice to be very helpful. Thank you for “putting yourself out there” to benefit others.😊
Eagerly waiting for the next part...
YES! AND - On The Flip Side - SOMETIMES The CREATIVITY Of Escaping Pain Thru "Fantasy" ALSO Draws Creates Great Art & Great Artists! Can't Wait To Read Your Book, Dr. Scott!
Thanks for this dr Scott! I created fantasy worlds as a child in an abusive household. In those my situation would also suck, but someone would be able to come and save me. I did not believe there was any way out of my real terrible situation. I still do this sometimes, and it is hard to accept that this is maladaptive even though I already know it is. I have been reducing my fantasy world time and building my real world skills but it's still so hard sometimes.
Great information
I needed to hear this 🙌 🙏 straight up
After retirement I allowed boredom to set in. I found that by playing games on the phone and watching television kept me busy BUT empty. 😢 The struggle to change this certainly has been harder than I ever imagined. Thank you for your videos ❤
What if you use the fantasy version of yourself as a template for your real-life behavior? I used to do tabletop roleplaying games as a teen, and I always played someone braver and more charismatic than myself. When I entered the workforce, instead of being my normal geeky self, I tried to be like my characters. I hid my awkwardness behind the veneer of my dashing illusionist-rogue, and people LIKED that version of me. Through my 20s and 30s, I got promoted time and again because people saw me as a leader, even though I knew my real self was just faking those skills. Now that I’m in my 40s, people STILL believe I’m this strong, magnetic person, when I know I’m still that introverted, weird little girl rolling dice. When friends ask how I got into management YEARS before they did, I just told them I roleplayed management. I love your videos, but still feel like there’s a place in escapism that can help a person grow.
I do the same thing. I cosplay being a leader, and end up with leadership positions!
Maybe you have impostor syndrome? Because that brave version of you is still you and your skill, hope that make sense
I have the same experience whenever I start a new job. I pretend to be smarter and more capable than I am, “earn” the respect of others, then suffocate until I let myself be me again. Then everyone hates me and I’m forced to move on. Now I hate the real me.
It could be a combination of visualization and fake it till you make it. Be careful as you might end up having imposter syndrome. On the other hand, you do need to have deliberate actions to mould the person you want to be in your mind and you have already done it in moulding yourself to be a manager. You do have the potential to be a manager and visualisation helps bring that potential out. I think what Dr Scott is talking about is also living in a fantasy world, daydreaming or visualisation without taking any actions.
No offense but this has been rather revealing as to why so many in leadership are incompetent
Just at the beginning of the video - yes, it makes sense that the very thing helping can turn into the problem. I guess it’s the same as as coping mechanism in childhood that are problems in adulthood. Really glad Dr. S is addressing this. Thank you.
thanks for all the work you put in for us Dr. Scott. I look forward with bated breaths to your content. this vid and a few more of the most recent ones , however, I will have to watch later, perhaps on my laptop or my phone. i have adhd and i watch this on my big screen tv while cooking. when i turn it up loud enough to hear it, it becomes clear that your microphone is situated, somehow differently than when you were in your last studio. maybe it is further away? Or perhaps the 'wooden' backdrop dampened the sound? Either way there is this echoey reverb that my adhd ears cant listen to for more than a minute or two. And if i turn it down low enough to where it doesnt bother me so much I cant hear you at all. Not sure what can be done tho. your voice and sound quality was low asmr in the old studio with the old mike!
I look forward to every video you post. It helps me so much! I pursue unrealistic goals. I daydream, I make up daydreams in my head that make me happy, and then I have to hit Reality. I am an artist (amateur), I keep dreaming I will get better, but no matter how much I try, it is grueling, which makes me want to QUIT.
Ooff- Oooff- thanks for the candor. That hit in the heart center. The atrophy makes sense.
Hello Scott. Wow!! This video really hit hard. But I am glad it did. I am not a gamer, at all. But I spend too much time on
Facebook, CZcams etc. What you said about ADHD was also scary for me because my daughter and granddaughter are ADHD. They both spend way too much time on games. Thank you for shining a bright light on this subject.
I hope you share more about the process of sticking to doing hard things and your experience.
great video
Thank you!
How did you know that I need this? Thanks! Your videos are super helpful
Thank you for all you do Scott. You are an amazing man. 83 dawg.
You are the absolute best and I always relate to everything you talk about. I am struggling and wondering if you do tella health appointments I really need help