fat acceptance, ableism, fatphobia, and dating preferences | is being fat a disability?
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- čas přidán 7. 08. 2022
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Calling themselves "disabled" made me so mad I had to pause the video and remember to breathe. Despicable.
@I am me • 25y ago I hate the "run for your life" trope. In the Great Zombie Apocalypse you will be a delicious meal for the zombies or the survivors turned cannibal. How about something realistic? Like, when insulin shortages happened how did you continue to overeat and not get hospitalized? Or, do you tip the pizza delivery guy enough to make sure they don't sabotage your food orders?
You can’t be healthy at any size and disabled solely due to being overweight simultaneously. I used to be obese and it never even crossed my mind to consider myself disabled because i wasn’t. I simply made bad choices and unsurprisingly got bad results.
@I am me • 25y ago Oh not you. I just mean there are real consequences for fat people that don't involve outrunning zombies or bad guys. I had a few employees hurt when the insulin ran low. One them used to inject extra so she could chug a 2 liter of Coke at work. She had to stop drinking Coke for awhile because she couldn't get insulin during the shortage.
That's the thing I dislike about them the most. Like, no. I'm disabled, and I can assure it isn't the same. Days I can't get up and do the things I need/want to do, I literally cry out of frustration. And these people comparing that to being fat is just beyond the fucking pale.
@@leahsanders798
Some of them have been so long morbidly obese, that they actually develop a disability ( aka permanent physical damage ) due to that though.
And there are also severly disabled people who also happen to be obese.
All people deserve to be treated with basic respect - wanting to date you is not included in basic respect. Huge difference between treating a morbidly obese person as a human being and wanting to date them. These people are giving huge incel vibes with this "I deserve for you to want me".
I think that's what a lot of it is, they want the validation of someone they find conventionally attractive (so at an optimal BMI and fit) to find them attractive. But what happens if said person says sure, and dates them? The habits that it takes to stay in the athletic side of the BMI means that their lifestyle will very well be out of sync with the average fat activist type. Go to the gym to lose fat and gain muscle? No, that's fatphobic. Eat at a caloric budget with mostly whole foods and minimal eating out? That's food shaming.
So now what do they do? That tiktok bit about these women kicking a dude out because they eat stuff they find boring is at least honest-- but why not just date someone with the same lifestyle they have? Oh wait...
@@timmah7874 Very well said! I've always been fairly active for several physical and mental health reasons (3-4 sweaty workouts a week, and at least a short walk or some home yoga every day), and I have dated a heavier guy. His personality was great, plus he was very confident and attractive. His daily wine drinking and extreme consumption of meat are part of the reasons we fell apart. Once I cooked for him as a surprise and he just went out with friends instead because he didn't want to eat my healthy food (it was butter chicken, too, not a green juice...). He just found my diet boring, and since I was trying to eat more like him to accommodate his taste, I ended up feeling bloated, sick and overall shitty. I left him for several reasons (he was also a cheater, but that's another story) and I became a full vegetarian, because he had made me so sick of meat.
@@Joee003 that’s hard. I’m sorry. Being a vegetarian def keeps away arseholes tho so good on you
Plus dating someone is a serious thing imo. Like it isnt something as light as “hey wanna be friends.” When you date someone you’re usually expecting/hoping to spend the rest of your life with that person. Its a big decision, so might as well pick a person who will live longer.
As somebody who is disabled, it feels kind of offensive that some people compare their bad habits to my struggles in life. I did not choose to be disabled and I cannot stop being disabled.
And if somebody doesn't want to date me because of my disability, am I going to be offended? Of course not! I wouldn't want to be with somebody that does not enjoy being with me due to my struggles. It's completely understandable.
"I never want to be in a position where I have to beg my partner to care about their own health".
THIS.
I don't care if I'm a 'bigot' or 'fatphobic' or not. I spent my childhood taking care of my morbidly obese mother and running the household since I was 8. I'll probably have to help her for the rest of her life. I do not also want to be a caretaker for a potential partner. I do not want to spend my whole life taking care of someone who cannot stop eating too much and now needs help with daily tasks they would be able to do if they lost weight, ate healthily and moved more.
Sorry for the rant.
Don't be sorry. It's completely justified. You know you aren't obligated to be your mother's caretaker, right? She did this to herself. Let her deal with the consequences now that you're an adult. (If you're an adult)
THIS. I ended up being a borderline caretaker for my fat exgf, never again. I want someone just as mobile as me, I'm not built to be somebody's caretaker, and there's nothing wrong with that! I'm sorry you've ended up taking care of you mother, no child should ever have to do that.
Same here sis.
After being my mothers servant, there’s no way that I’m gonna act like a mother to a future spouse.
Thank you for the rant! 😁❤️
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm in the same boat and it sucks big time. It's just so stressful and people don't get it like these so called fat activists. I wonder what they would if they met people like us--their caretakers.
I won't date an addict but that doesn't make me ableist. This is the same principle for people not wanting to date obese people. It comes down to lifestyle choices and ingrained habits that I don't want to deal with.
I don't blame you. we are mostly selfish, overly sensitive, some of us are malignant narcissists, have avoidant behavior, unless a recovering addict is really doing major self work and put a fuck ton of effort into a relationship. There isn't a whole lot of net positives to dating an addict.
@I am me • 25y ago That's the thing. The most gorgeous woman I ever laid eyes on was an oversight Brazilian woman I had as a life model in art class who carried her weight beautifully. You can be overweight and active, absolutely. You cannot be obese and active.
Well said
I feel like saying that you'd be ableist or fatphobic or whatever is really dehumanizing. Like usually when we're talking about some feature shutting people out from society, we're saying they have less access to housing, education, etc.
There are people attracted to fat people. Like im fine saying my preferences prejudice me against certain groups but they don't make me prejudiced. Specifically because I make it a point to still include anyone who wants to join in on things AND because my body and life are not a social benefit like housing.
@@GoTouchGrassDAC No, we are not selfish for wanting to live healthy prosperous lives. ALL animals in nature live and choose their mates this same way. They are not being selfish, it is NATURE itself the fact that we are attracted to someone with HEALTHY features/looks.
Considering yourself disabled & marginalized for being fat is one of the most offensive thing for the people that is actually disable and or marginalized.
Don’t tell THEM that.
Then they’ll say you’re not really disabled 😂 absolutely mental
By its very nature, dating IS discriminatory. I think people just don’t like to be told that everything isn’t for everyone and no amount of TikTok lectures is going to change it…
☝️
Fr. Dating imo is a serious thing. Not something you can just go like “imma date someone different every day whenever i want!”
But if it's not unhealthy to be fat, how can you be disabled because you're fat?
Careful, you're poking gaping holes in their logic and they HATE that.
@I am me • 25y ago I mean, I'm thinner & have crappy knees because I grew up super fast in my growth spurts. Like, several inches at a time. Not justifying them, just saying it is possible. *back into my cave.*
@@kristien2010 I have bad knees due to being a career dancer and a bad back due to a debilitating injury. THESE OBESE WOMEN WEREN'T BORN WITH BAD KNEES.
Unhealthy and disabled are not the same thing though. Look at the paralympics. If you can see someone in a wheelchair with rock hard abs that is hitting a tennis ball with only their upper body strength, or a blind person playing full contact soccer, and say they're unhealthy, you define things weird. Disabled just means your body or mind are different. Not that they're unhealthy.
@I am me • 25y ago I'm not disagreeing with you at all, I promise. Yeah I've got bad knees but I've never been obese, just made marching band a pain, literally. I guess I was playing Devil's advocate, I'm honestly not sure.
I grew up fat and have hypothyroidism AND PCOS, yet have lost 120lbs over the past 2yrs and am 7lbs away from being a normal weight. Endocrine disorders are NOT a cop out!
Wow, that's amazing! Congratulations on your weight loss!
I have a under active thyroid too and have lost 145 pounds it honestly is such a cop out
So happy for you.!!! They don’t want to hear that tho, they rather believe it’s impossible 🙄
Wooooot
I have an insane amount of respect for people like you, an inspiration to everyone.
"Not dating a fat person is abelist and bigotry"
OK, putting aside how asinine it is for them to call it "bigotry", it always has to be someone else's fault that they can't change with these people...
@I am me • 25y ago right, how ageist of them🙄
@I am me • 25y ago If he had 15 million dollars and was willing to sign them into the will I'm sure they'd make an exception. But without those benefits? Likely not.
Though they should do what every fat guy who is considered unattractive does and get enough money to get a pretty young woman to ignore that. But that would be ableist I guess.
@I am me • 25y ago Right! It blows my mind that they're calling everyone "abelist" and "bigots" when they themselves don't want to date a morbidly obese person, let alone lets say, someone in a wheelchair! No, they want someone over 6 ft tall and built like a Greek God!
@@timmah7874 u so called “str8” men would date a 95 yo man if he has 15 million dollars
"I don't find you attractive. "
"Not acceptable. Go to the corner and unpack your fatphobia."
they’re so busy looking for people that don’t want to date them instead of just going to people that want to date them lmao they’re so miserable
Problem is that they want mr.Hotty with a swimmers body, while looking like Jabbathehut.
And then they will complain about the ones that want to date them as “fetishizing” them. Can’t win.
@@Angi3_6 all the yikes
@@gothica3605 but I thought fat was beautiful?! This comes as an enormous surprise
@@2okaycolabeauty is subjective, i dont think fat people are beautiful physically. They may have beautiful hearts but that doesnt rlly change ur appearance
0:54 wow. Im disabled, and that is literally the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve had people tell me to my face that my allergies aren’t real and that someone wanted my disability because then it’d be SO easy to stay skinny (I have a mitochondrial disorder that causes major food allergies, partial/temporary paralysis, etc. I’m also autistic) I’m not able to do some things sure, like eat out, or go to concerts, but I sure can do things like walk Disney or go hiking?
Right?? They literally just threw disabled people under the bus by saying they're incapable of doing anything. Whatever it takes to justify their own choices and refusal to do any sort of activity.
I'm sorry you're going through that. For too many of these people, they think of disability as something they can tick off on Intersectionality/Oppression BINGO without actually taking into account just how far-reaching disability can be and how it impacts the everyday decisions in our lives-- like yes, your disability makes it more challenging to overeat, but I would far rather deal with just sticking to a food budget than what you go through.
And disabled people are capable of doing things, but being obese would make it even more challenging than it would be for someone without a disability. So when someone tells people they're ableist for not wanting to be fat I have to laugh.
The food allergy thing is something I relate to. I've had people sneak the stuff I'm allergic to into my food to prove that I'm faking it
@@snowpanther7076 What the heck. What is wrong with people…
@@ItsTeaTime This is why I only eat from certain people and even then I always have medicine on hand if necessary
You can't control who you're physically attracted to, but you also don't have to be an ass to people you aren't attracted to.
True, but in the case of these women, you shouldn't be an ass to people who aren't attracted to you, either.
Telling someone you're not attracted to them isn't being mean. Telling someone they're ugly/disgusting IS. I am personally not attracted to obese/fat people, and I am very open about it. But I still treat everyone with the same kind of respect I'd like to be treated, regardless of how I look at them.
Even if you don't want someone on principle, you still are never morally or socially obligated to give them a chance. No one is entitled a sexual or romantic relationship with you
People's first instinct is usually to be tactful, if for no other reason that they don't want to be labeled as a jerk But sometimes you have to be an ass to someone who just can't take "no" for an answer.
@@jemase7931 Exactly. With some people, being "nice" just leaves the door open a tiny bit for them to try to manipulate you into a date. I'm so tired of people not being able to deal with the word NO.
As someone who's husband is obese, honestly....had I known what I know now I would never have even gone on a date with him.
Setting aside the obvious health issues, the lifestyle difference is enormous....no pun intended.
He cannot keep up on a hike, trails 30 feet behind, forcing me and my daughter to wait for him to catch up, rinse repeat. I'm not a big woman mind you, 4'10, 115 pounds, so I got tiny little stump legs while he is 6'2 380 pounds. His strides are far wider than mine, but he still cannot keep up with a leisure pace. It's frustrating because I want to be more active as a couple, but he now refuses entirely.
I love him, but I wish I would have known some things prior to becoming emotionally invested in him. I had never dated a fat guy before so I learned as I went.
At first I tried to convince myself the stark contrast in lifestyles didn't bother me, but it does. 100% it does.
"the difference is enormous" 😂😂 dying.
Sometimes affection isn't enough, when the partners' lifestyles become incompatible.
The feelings of frustration grow and grow and then it can happen that love slowly turns into resentment.
And then people hear them confess that they are tired of being a nurse to their later permanently sick partner or that they wasted decades of their life.
That was the life of my great-aunt.
You either need to talk to him about this or break up with them because this is not healthy you shouldn't use the internet to vent unless you 100% are sure you'll never see it because if he finds out this way if you haven't been discussing him maybe losing weight he's going to be a lot more hurt
@@114bleachfan her username is not her real name how would he know?
As a partner, you should be able to be direct with your partner. You should not carry a burden that’s not yours to carry. He’s not ill, you don’t have to tiptoe. Last year, I looked myself in the mirror and I looked at my husband and noticed how much we’ve let ourselves go. I talked to him about how we needed a lifestyle change, he did not get offended. He agreed too.
Isnt it so interesting that all these "influencers" adopt the same passive aggressive, condescending mannerisms, tones and vocal inflections? I wonder what leads all of these people to form such similar personas. Whenever I watch these tiktoks the distinct feeling I get is that these people are really just trying to convince themselves that they are the victim and everyone else is their oppressor, which allows them to avoid ever taking responsibility for their choices.
You hit the nail on the head. They're DESPERATE to be the victim, and to avoid accepting any responsibility for themselves.
I think it’s a social media thing. I’ve noticed the same on CZcams. People not only may adopt the same way of speaking, but also the same way of describing information. They all parrot the same thing even if it’s wrong. But then I’m also of the belief that certain types of people are attracted to certain things. Many of these fat activists have been through similar experiences, so they all can validate each other even though their conclusions about the cause of their problems may be wrong.
Makes me wonder if it's the 2022 version of the transatlantic accent we used to see around WWII?
@@amandak.4246 What's your point? The origin doesn't matter so much as the impact of groupthink and social acculturation on affect. You see this type of thing happening in different subcultures and extremist groups as well, Jehovah's Witnesses for example tend to develop very specific vocal intonations and speech patterns.
But also, many fat acceptance people consider themselves more educated and enlightened than their peers, so the effect could be very much an attempt to put themselves apart and above others, even if they're not consciously doing so.
That is so true. I wonder if they will be studied one day
Thank you for this! As an autistic person I get so frustrated when obese people compare their struggles to ours. I totally agree with you that not wanting to date disabled people is not ableist. If someone doesn’t function well with my autistic traits, they by no means should be forced to date me.
I’m with you 100%, my adhd and mental illness means I’m a lot of work sometimes and I don’t begrudge anyone for not wanting to deal with that!
If someone doesn't function well with my neurodivergent traits, I dont want them at all because I'd be uncomfortable to be myself and I've spent all my life like that, its the last thing I want in a partner.
I'm also autistic and I agree
Autistic too and I agree. How entitled would I have to be to think someone owes me love and attraction ?
I’m on the spectrum too, and I completely agree
I'll reject someone based on anything I feel like. them trying to guilt people into dating fat people is laughable.
I won't be as pc as most people. it's not just a lifestyle thing (although my recent hiking trip to the french alps was bloody amazing) , I simply find obese people physically unattractive and I'm not about to feel any kind if guilt over it, they can call me a bigot all they want
I'm in my mid-40s and I'm bald and have gray hair. I would love to see their face when I tell them "Yes, I know you're in your 20s and young and cute but it's ageist to not date me because I look like your grandfather. You're going to get old someday too, so you might as well settle with me even if you're not attracted to me, which you should be, you chronophobic bigot!"
I find *OBESITY* repulsive
That’s fine but don’t go out of your way to say it to people and recognizing the bias you place on people you don’t find attractive like anyone else should
Yes! I think they are trying to extend their success at opportunistically gaining clout and attention, as well as ideological influence on the internet, into trying to have physical access to those they want (Sexually and romantically) through their ideology and the weapon of guilt.
@@beckyscleanersock8395 Olga didn't say that she tells them that, just that she doesn't feel bad about it.
Here's what I find interesting. If it's considered ableist to not want to date a fat person, then by those standards, fatness would be classified as a disability. And if so, wouldn't that also mean that there is in fact something wrong with being fat, despite every Fat Activist claiming otherwise?
I also completely agree with the statement in this video about not wanting to date someone who is mentally unwell. While I don't struggle with an eating disorder, I do have a mental health disorder that has and can still get pretty intense. I'm lucky that my fiancé is very understanding and supportive when it come to this, but I wouldn't hold it against someone for not wanting to date me if they felt like they couldn't handle my mental health issues. Much better for said person and I to find partners that could meet our specific needs.
Disabled doesn’t equal wrong, it equals incapable of particular tasks
@@beckyscleanersock8395 came here to comment the same thing
Thanks for your compassion
TMI, but I tried dating a "fat" woman, I really did. I loved her personality, we got along great, shared the same hobbies. But, physically couldn't make it work. If I can't get my buddy to stand up for you, then how are we expected to have sex??? She wasn't hurt when I told her attraction would be a problem, she was very mature about it, but in the end didn't want to lose weight... I'm sure saner minds would understand that I wasn't being fat phobic by any means. Some members of the fat acceptance community are out of their fucking minds.
I think you could do a whole video comparing the FA movement to incels. The obsession with having sexual access to any and every body at any time is disturbing and comes up in both groups. A lot of there Tik Toks about dating fat people are giving Elliot Roger vibes
This would definitely be a good topic for sure
I would love to see your take on the sexism/incel mentality in the Fat acceptence movement. I see it a lot. Especially for a movement that claims to be feminist
i have ADHD and i think it's okay if someone doesn't want to date me bc of that. and it also doesn't mean that they don't respect me bc i have ADHD, it just means they don't want the strain of having a romantic relationship with an ND person, which is totally understandable.
I have adhd too and I completely agree with us. I am really challenged especially and if my husband did not have a really high tolerance for that particular brand of chaos, it would not work between us. I have been in relationships before with people who cannot stand how messy I am and it was very taxing
I feel you. It has caused me problems with relationships and it took me a long time to realize my faults. I can understand someone who it doesn’t work for.
I have ADHD and PTSD. Believe me, I get it.
Same same and no one talk about how ADHD and dating can be so intense for like 3 months when you hyper fixate on them
My husband has Adhd as well as bi-polar disorder. It can be a challenge at times but I do pretty good with challanges
The real moral of the story:
Preferences are not the problem. Dropping your preferences to anyone and everyone who didn't ask like it was part of your name is weird.
Yes I know dating apps and the general dating scene encourages this. That is not good either.
Honestly, dating apps are the one place where I'd appreciate the transparency MORE. You can weed people out without ever needing to talk to them simply by them listing who they don't want to date. I know 100% the kind of person to put 'no blacks' is NOT someone I want to even try dating, let alone talk to.
Plus, there is a difference between someone who's partner got a little fat and gains 30 pounds and one who's partner gains 100, 200 lbs and becomes morbid. They are not really comparable in the least.
As a person who's disabled due to a genetic condition I don't think being fat automatically makes you disabled. However, some complications of being overweight and obese can disable you. Such as being too large to ampulate properly or developing type 2 diabetes and having to take on a specialized diet to manage your condition.
Point about being healthy and thin on the start is very valid. I was with a guy who was overweight. When I started doing groceries and cooking for him he lost 50 pounds in less than three months. He reached normal healthy weight and stated that he will stay that way only If I keep doing that for him. He knew he can be healthy and thin, he felt better but he refused to put an effort himself. He would rather live off snacks and fast food then "waste time on cooking". It was ok only if it was my time and effort. When he developed serious health problem later on he still refused to do something about it, so he mentally held me hostage. Either I will take care of him or he will be sick. After few years I left him.
First of all you have to take care of yourself!!! 👍🏼
Just wanted to add that I was overweight when I started dating my (very fit) fiance many years ago. We had a lot of common interests, but he enjoyed working out and eating healthy and I was the total opposite. When we moved in together, I started eating healthier as a result of his cooking and slowly became motivated to be healthier in general. I lost a ton of weight as a result of slow and incremental lifestyle changes, which ultimately brought us closer together. I know this isn't a typical story, but it's possible for a partner's good (or bad) habits to rub off. Dating an overweight person does not mean dating a fat activist, and some heavier people can be motivated to change their habits through positive encouragement.
As someone who became obese thru unhealthy eating during a period in my life (i have an addictive personality), I couldn’t be involved with someone who’s life centered around food. It would be a constant struggle for me. People tend to mirror a partners lifestyle choices.
When I brought up this exact argument to a fat activist on tiktok she went off and said “why do you assume all fat people do is eat?” I said “well for one, you don’t get 300-500lbs by NOT eating and for another, I had a food addiction so I won’t put myself into that position to be addicted again.” She got sooooo mad…😭 like girl I’m sorry I’m looking out for me myself and I🫠
THEN- she has the audacity to say “we could eat the same and I could still look like this while you look like that!” I am 115 she looked about 230. I said “no we couldn’t.” 💀
I have Epilepsy , something i have no control over due to the unfortunate lottery that is genetics . I would feel AWFUL if i ever felt i was guilt tripping someone into dating me . The sheer narcissistic entitlement of these ppl who (9/10) have control over their weight is astonishing , to compare it to an actual disability is offensive.
I think these women (frankly, everyone looking to date) need to manage their expectations. If you want someone down to eat grilled cheese after sex at 2am, you're probably not going to be pulling an adonis (unless he has a fat fetish) for the most part. The kind of guy you pull, who likes that lifestyle, will look a certain way, and I know for a fact some fat women are more than happy with that guy. It's the ones who want an adonis who are seemingly always single and complaining about it. Plenty of my fat friends have fat partners who complete them, same with 'ugly' people who are happily shacked up with 'ugly' partners. It's definitely giving incel entitlement, the more I think about it.
true
Yup. These women are like incels, demanding that swimsuit models be attracted to them or else it's "bigotry". Yet, somehow, it's never bigotry when they themselves reject fat men. Funny, that.
@@funtietimes lmao
You actually don't have to date anyone, you can just choose whatever you want (as long as it's legal)
I thought someone needs to say that cuz some people don't even know that!
I'm a fat guy and i make jokes about my overwaight. I know i live unhealthy and i wan't to change it. I eat more healthy food now and stop eating fast food. Im walking and ride my bicycle. I don't stress myself out, because you have to have patience and perseverance. Thx for your good video. 👍 sub.
That sounds like a healthy attitude with long-term benefits. Hope it's going well!
I would not want to be with somebody who was not attracted to me and was only going out with me because I scolded them into it.
Whew!!! Say it louder for the ones in the back!!! I’ll NEVER understand trying to shame people into romantic relationships… Like why would you want to be with someone who pitied you or was trying to prove their “wokeness” or something…
What guy would even let himself to be coerced into such a relationship?
Maybe a very insecure, socially awkward one.
Or someone who got babytrapped while being drunk at a party.
When I was 17 this actually happened to me lol, a fat girl basically shamed me into a relationship with her. From the moment it was official I was trying to figure out how I was gonna break up with her without hurting her feelings. She strong-armed the whole thing and was always talking about fatphobia and fat activism and how "hot" she decided she was, she made me feel like to be a good person I should date her. In addition to that she love-bombed me (painted paintings of me before we had even met, etc, etc) was always talking about how everyone leaves her and how she has no one, so I felt like I couldn't leave lol. I was really naive and unexperienced, I had never even had a first kiss and I'm autistic, so I didn't have the tools to see what was happening or to not be in that situation. I was never attracted to her, but I didn't want to be shallow and "fatphobic" like she said.
@@Gaia_Seraphina I'm not a guy, but it happened to me. And yes I was very insecure and socially awkward lol. I commented under this same comment if you wanna read how it happened.
i just got out of a long term relationship with someone who smoked weed and vaped everyday and seeing the toll it took on his body over the years, as well as his lack of care for his overall health, made me realize that i don’t want to date someone that doesn’t see their health as important as i see mine. it’s so hard to see someone do harmful habits and hurt themselves everyday and i know i don’t want my next partner to be the same. it’s not ableist to think that
People forget that while weed can have good medicine properties, it can also aggravate pre existing problems. I’ve had to admit to myself that smoking heaps of weed everyday isn’t helpful and I’m going on a break.
I really don't get the argument that one's choice of partner is selfish. Yes, yes it is. It is MY choice for MY partner, based on what works for MY life. Of course IN a partnership it is about the both of us, but I'm dating someone because it works for ME to begin with.
Thankyou!. You have succinctly expressed what I was just taking a 3000 word essay (with references lol) to say. I have happily deleted my response and will defer to your words as a representation of my thoughts!☺️
I didn’t want to date anyone who didn’t want to be physically active in life. I love hiking and camping and mountain climbing, riding my bike for many miles and just being an outdoorsy kind of person. This is something I like to share with my guy. I am not attracted to people who sit around all day, don’t care about their health and body size and doesn’t strive to be the best version of themselves that they can be. I was once very overweight and was miserable, uncomfortable, and and very unhealthy. When I was that size, I could understand why some would find me very unattractive. I found myself very unattractive. Look I don’t care if others want to be fat or stay fat or lose weight or stay thin. But I’m also not going to feel guilty for not being attracted to someone who is overweight.
Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deac, let me ask you, do you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: Say what?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.
I won’t date people I’m not physically attracted to. That includes fat people. I see no reason why it has to be more complicated - I’m not obligated to be attracted to anyone, and I’m fully capable of treating people I don’t find attractive with respect and decency. My attraction is not a human right.
I have a restrictive ed and I can 100% see why people wouldn't want to date me for it. I wouldn't want to date someone with one either! I don't understand why a non-restrictive ed would be any different, or why the concept is hard to grasp. This "not dating us is bigotry" perspective seems like it's formed from bitterness tbh.
As someone with Manic-Depressive Disorder I completely agree. It can take a lot to be our partner.
As someone who has struggled with a restrictive ed in the past, I absolutely would not want to date someone would is actively struggling with one. I have in the past, and it absolutely triggered me into a major relapse. 0/10 would not do that again, and am now in a very happy relationship with a guy who constantly reminds me to eat because my hunger cues are still not very good due to my autism and ADHD
@@emmettmcnally740 that’s sweet I’m happy for you
Been noticing a lot of “I have a right to x” talk in many circles that ignore the fact that we are not free from the consequences, good bad or indifferent, of our choices and actions. These people that argue like this lack personal responsibility and this alone is enough for me to be so turned off by them I couldn’t date them
Couldn’t agree more. I’ve been obese at about 300lbs and at the time was dating a woman that was also obese. As I started to get healthier and lose weight she did not and this caused a strain on the relationship. I didn’t want to eat the foods she ate, I wanted to do more exercise centered activities, and I really wanted a different lifestyle. Eventually, our relationship failed because I wanted a different lifestyle that she did not want. I think people should really consider what it means to date someone who is pursuing a drastically different lifestyle from themselves. Neither people will be happy in the long run and the relationship will fail. In most cases a person’s physique is a direct reflection of their lifestyle. For the people who like to eat in excess and who’s physique reflects that, why on earth would you pursue someone who clearly won’t be into the same things? The women on that podcast toward the end is undeniable proof.
yeah, this is absolutely true. if people were just honest about their own lifestyles and the fact that some lifestyles aren't compatible with theirs, it would save a lot of energy for everyone involved.
Personally, I'm disgusted that your ex felt entitled to do nothing and eat garbage all day. You'd think that, for the sake of your loved ones, you'd wanna be healthy so you can have the best quality of life for them, but they're just too selfish.
Congrats on your weight loss journey, hope all the best for you. This is was a good comment to really show the difference in lifestyle. This happened to me too but I’m not overweight. I actually don’t eat enough so I’m underweight and malnourished, which is also just as unhealthy. When I met my ex, she weighed 70kg. She was 5’11 so it was just chubby. I’m okay with that. When we got together things were rough for us cause of life circumstances but I wanted to be more active, I wanted to improve our lives together. So that meant I would wake up, try to make us three meals a day and do some walking. I started gaining weight that was needed, I started changing my diet to include healthier food but she wanted none of it. The more I tried to be healthy, the more she seemed to double down on refusing to try foods, to try exercising or going out etc. She had a routine where she would eat atleast three family size packets of chips every night and it progressively got worse. She ended up gaining 20kg more and complained constantly of back pain, joint pain etc. i would tell her it’s because she’s not moving enough, sitting on the couch all day isn’t healthy. I would suggest everything, let’s do yoga together, let’s go on hikes together or even we could join a gym together. I didn’t even care that she got bigger I still loved her, I just cared about her health. Eventually it was just too much and we had to part ways. She’s even bigger now the last time I saw her and it’s just sad. I do think there’s a mental health component to all of this but someone refusing to better themselves can feel like they’re dragging you down.
Agreed, I don't to waste all my time binge watching netflix if the weather nice outside.
Funny fact is that many of those fat women find slender men more attractive themselves.
So sorry I don't want to date someone who I'm not attracted to. I'm not attracted to fat people, I think it looks gross, it's unhealthy, and I'm just not into it. I'm not afraid of fat people, nor do I dislike them, I just wouldn't want a romantic relationship with them. Whatever happened to the saying, "to each their own?"
I agree
Me too. In the future I would love to do a lot of outdoor activities and I am looking for a fit partner. That's it.
Exactly, I 100% agree. And why would we force ourselves to date them just because some ppl on the internet said we should?
I think the only time preferences could be wrong would be if you have an unhealthy preference or you push your preference on someone. So like for instance, let’s say there was a woman who weighed 130 lbs. She has a healthy BMI and her diet and exercise routines are pretty great and her doctor says she’s healthy and should keep doing what she’s doing. But she starts dating a guy who has a preference for super skinny girls and he wants her to weigh no more than 110 lbs. The preference of liking girls who are super thin isn’t inherently wrong. After all, there’s plenty of women who have that body type naturally. However, it is wrong to get into a relationship with someone and then try to change that person to fit your preferences (to an extreme degree at least), especially if that change would be considered unhealthy or maybe even downright impossible due to muscle mass, bone structure, etc.
That’s the only way I can see a body type preference being wrong or worthy of shaming. But just having a preference is 100% your right. You don’t owe physical intimacy or a romantic relationship to anyone. Though I personally see way more value in the soul inside the body because the outside will change with time. Age, time, injuries or health issues down the road, etc. Beauty fades, but not so much when you’re in love with the interior rather than the exterior. But at least a basic level of attraction is important otherwise you might as well just be good friends 😆
My body, my life, my choice. I get to choose who I spend my time with and give access to my body. I am the only person who gets to decide that. No one else’s opinion is relevant.
I suppose I am technically disabled (autism and autoimmune disease), but I really don’t consider myself as such. I function just fine most of the time & try to take care of myself to minimize any problems. I don’t understand the mindset of these people.
As someone who use to be obese, I refuse to date someone that doesn't care about their outside appearance let alone believe their weight doesn't effect your health.
As a smoker, I have lost the interest of men because of my smoking. Do I blame them? No. Do I throw a fit and demand they date me despite it? No. Because it's not something they want to be around or deal with. Which I totally understand. Just like I totally understand that there are men that will date me despite the fact I smoke. You can't fault someone's personal preferences when it comes to dating. You open yourself up to the same criticism when you do so.
It is literally indescribable how insulting it is that these dweebs dare insert equate their situation to people with disabilities. You have a right to be be fat... and you have a right to the consequences. Reap what you sow or change course. No one with disabilities asked for what they're struggling with. No amount of extra fabric or extra seats or belt extenders can make up for what they face on a daily basis. Like, how first world of these people jfc.
So well written and kind to the people that I am sure will twist this. I will add one thing that in choosing a mate, I very much wanted and got the father of my children that was a strong, attractive healthy man with the ability to provide. I am 100% sure that I will be deemed Fatphobic because I wholeheartedly believe that mammals will always look for the healthiest breeding stock. Both male and female.
It's literally biology
Except I am very turned on by chubby guys and men (can't breed with them lol) 😂🤣😂
Do these women really want to be with someone she has to basically guilt trip into being with her?
I think so..
Pathetic.
Not wanting to date someone who can't take care of themselves isn't ableist its looking out for yourself and your future. Why would you want to live life, have kids, travel, etc with someone who can't make it up a flight of stairs or even control what they're putting into their mouth? It's not that hard to comprehend.
Also your statement about fat discrimination not being the same as ableism really hit the mark for me. I'm disabled and there's never a day I have thought I *"have a right to remain disabled"*. I have cried for HOURS at night until passing out from exhaustion *BECAUSE* I'm disabled. Y'all are either lying to yourselves about liking being fat or about it being a disability. Optionally, both.
as an autistic person, i really despise the idea that all people in larger bodies are automatically “disabled”. disabled people can also be fat, but fatness in and of itself is not a disability, it’s just a body size. and if fat activists want to argue that there’s nothing inherently unhealthy or limiting about being in a larger body, then fatness is not a disability, because disabilities require an inherent limitation of some kind.
Bottom line: it is about mental health, coping skills, not particular traits. Obesity = most obvious reflection, manifestation of the lack of such skills, overall mental health.
I understand they wanna put a ‘gotcha’ moment like ‘wow you’re racist’, but I think a lot of people don’t care about being called fatphobic lol.
Just talk about how they’re addicts. If you wouldn’t date a heroin addict, why would you want to date a food addict
Exactly. That's not even a real insult for me.
I AM fatphobic. I am literally afraid of gaining weight.
@@Gaia_Seraphina 👍💯 I'm a proud fatphobe. I don't want to be fat. These people in the fat acceptance movement say that they are happy to be fat, but why are they always so angry.
@@liriel01
Cuz they are delusional and self-deceptive.
That's feigned confidence.
Real confident people don't behave like this.
If there was an ( actual working ) magic weightloss pill ... they'd be the first taking it.
Cuz they won't mind *completely effortless* , intentional weightloss.
I don't think these women would date fat men
And tbh they should! They'd probably get on great
These women are the equivalents of “nice guys” who are really incels 😂.
Sundress and converse is an awesome combination, great video as always!
As a real disabled person homing in here As a dyslexic/ADHD person I can understand having a preference not dating me. Fat acceptance people can't throw me under the bus I work hard every day with my accommodations at my workplace to be successful. They can change their body type and not be told that the disability doesn't exist because nobody can see it. You know how much I would like to not be Dyslexic and ADHD if only exercise /dieting would fix that.
As an obese person I can say - not being attracted to someone is ENOUGH reason to not want to be in a relationship with someone. I don’t see these people actively look for disabled people to date. Bigotry? Give me a break.
Women do the same thing to men, usually with height or d size. How many times have we heard the "he must be compensating for something" line.
People insult each other all the time
I used to feel bad that people would completely write me off as a romantic option when they found out I had a disability. Then I got a bit older, my frontal cortex developed, and I realized that people have different wants and needs in life; other people’s lack of attraction to me is not really my business and definitely not something for me to try to control. Also THANK YOU for pointing out how often what these folks say is “fatphobia” is really just lazy misogyny.
I dated someone obese when I'm a very athletic person , due to them nagging me about wanting to go outside and watching what I ate I gave it all up and gained 100lbs because they felt judged if I didn't eat when they ate . I'll never do that again I dumped them , lost the weight and found someone I can go jogging with . When you're in the relationship it's healthier and better to get someone who has the same values as you .
I have kids (and special needs ones at that). I have mental illnesses. I have chronic migraines and a bladder condition. I'm a raging perfectionist. I'm coming out of a horribly abusive marriage to a narcissist and I don't tolerate a lot of nonsense as a result. I absolutely don't want to date someone who wouldn't match up in those areas because I am who I am. I'm not looking to date anyone now because I'm focused on me and don't have time for someone else.
Down the road, I'm sure this is something I might be willing to revisit, but why would I want someone who wasn't right for me? We both deserve better, right?
This video hits different when you're eating fried chicken and biscuits....
Me with my onion rings fr bro 🤝
🙌🙏
These would be the same people to say I’m not disabled because I’m fit/ thin meanwhile my spine is fused and held together with screws/metal rods.
All of this is like saying I don't have to shower and brush my teeth and you still have to find me appealing or you are a bigot. Exercise is part of personal hygiene as far as I'm concerned.
Thank you for this! My mom cared for my for my dying dad when I was younger and I have trauma from it tbh and would not want to get into a situation where I feel forced to be someone’s caretaker, nor would I be good at it. Now it’s totally different when you are already in a long term/committed relationship but personally I couldn’t handle a caretaking role in a new relationship.
This has me thinking about when I was 60 lbs overweight and got kicked out of a bbw dating Facebook group for not being fat 🤣
Before I got married and advertised on dating websites, I had a clear set of rules. No cops or military or ex-military. You can't have kids. You have to be living on your own or with a roommate. Living with family doesn't count as roommates. You have to have a steady job and a working vehicle. Doesn't have to be a stellar job or a sweet ride. Just a steady job and a working car.
You would not believe the hate messages I received.
No one likes being rejected. I've been rejected. I had one guy flat out tell me I was too pale for him. He was White, he just didn't like pale girls. It hurt, because I really liked him, however I wasn't about to go get a tan for him.
I never had an issue with a guy being fat or bald or disabled or tralala.
But I still got hate message after hate message.
What confused me was why these guys were so upset I wouldn't date them. There were so many women who would. Better women than me probably. So why the obsession over me?
People need to learn rejection.
my partner has an ED and it has caused a lot of stress in our relationship. i love him all the same and am able to handle it, but it def is not something anyone can just deal with. he wouldnt blame me if i left due to the stress it has caused us. im not gonna, but it would be understandable if i did. it is worse to be with someone you cant deal with emotionally for both people, it is a lot better to be honest about what u can and cant handle. who would want to be with someone you had to convince to stay with you?
Sometimes you just have to tell them like my boyfriend had 3 cookies at a dance I said that's your 3rd cookie that's plenty he would of probably just kept eating them he's not fat or to me he doesn't look fat he just doesn't know when to stop
Personally I don't want to date a fat person because I don't think fat people are attractive. I don't have a deeper reason than that, I so sorry...
I am autistic and that is unattractive too for some people, I don't mind that. Not everyone would be willing to put up with my panic attacks, OCD and social anxiety. How is it different from not wanting to date a fat person ?
No one owes ANYBODY attraction and love, I thought it would be commonly acknowledged by now. Or do they need someone to explain consent to them ? Aren't they supposed to "fight the patriarchy" ?
I put in effort everyday so that my weight doesn't get out of control again. I don't want to date someone who doesn't put the same effort about themselves and takes their body for granted.
I always tell people upfront that I’m bipolar and if that’s a deal breaker for them i don’t get upset about it. Because guess what? My condition affects the people around me and can be really tough on them. Same goes for obese people. These people really need to grow some thicker skin.
Just wanted to share that my favorite jeans fit me once again thanks to the better diet choices I have made :). And no, I did not get an ED for wanting to better my food intake
All of your takes are so good. So logical and casually right. I love finding your channel your videos are so great to have in the background
Thankyou
As someone with both a physical disability and mental health issues (that are completely seperate) i would not find it wrong if someone did not want to date me because of one of those things. I may be sad about it but would not view it as abelist because i can recognise that not everyone has the capability to be able to deal with these thing eg if someone was really into hiking and realised that i, as their parter, would not be able to join them therefore they would not want to date me. However both my issues are not within my control, being fat is. Also attraction is important in relationships, you wouldn’t get mad at a someone with a preference for brunettes for not being attracted to a blonde call them blondephobic.
Abelism and fatphobia are very different and it pisses me off that people who have control of their situation try to compare themselves to someone like myself who doesnt. I would give anything to not suffer with the chronic pain and fragility of my body or the depression that i do. I make the choice to seek help for my issues and do what i can to get as close to healthy as my body will allow, so how dare these people who will not try and change placee the blame on others
Dude same!! Honestly I'd trade all of my disabilities and mental health issues for being fat, so I could finally be okay, I'd lose the weight and I'd be healthy. I could leave the house without wanting to collapse because of the pain in my entire body. These people claiming that being fat is the same as being disabled is the single most disgusting thing I've ever seen, like fuck them! we aren't the same! They can change I can't! I'm stuck like this for the rest of my life and it will get worse as I age, meanwhile all these people can just lose weight! And I'm not even mad if people don't want to date me! I don't want an unhappy partner who feels like they're stuck with me because of my disabilities! Sorry for the rant lol
or maybe people just don't find you attractive? And it has nothing to do with the "capability to be able to deal with these things". Yeah maybe your just not attractive for a myriad of reasons.
They get mad at people who literally go, "I want a person who fits into my lifestyle." Yo, you are in the same category of people who go with me to Tough Mudder with asthma, forgets their inhaler when I'm the one carrying your backpack, then makes us sit on the muddy trail while complaining that your ass is cold and its my fault you're there.
That was just my friend. I've got a friend who's a amputee and he does the same Tough Mudder I do and I'm able bodied but he's better at climbing up a wall than I am..
It's not just dating its also friends, I'm pretty sure these FA's are complaining because they have no friends and can't find fulfillment in dating either.
My boyfriend has a back injury from the military, I have a mental disorder. He's been a rock for me, and I've been there to help him sit up in the morning for work when his back hurts. They just refuse to be a person who wants to improve looking for a person who wants to improve
I don't get what is it that they want : That some people force themselves to date them because of politically correct ?
It seems like a nightmare for both parties involved and makes each of them lose her/his time on finding real love
Yes I wondered about that too. It would be nice of someone actually asked them what it is they actually want, on a purely practical way.
i dated a girl who was anorexic and it was excruciating 😣
Oh I don't have that at all
you are a saint for being so patient and trying to draw this things out for people instead of just telling them to fuck off.
Wow, she really did say that everyone that's fat is disabled... that feels like a BIG problematic thought process.
i watched all the videos on your channel. then i wanted more and started watching other fat acceptance anti youtubers, yet now when i start rewatching your videos i see that you will always be my favorite. the way you talk is just so well put together
If your partner doesn't take care of themselves, they likely will not take care of your children or pets either. Responsible strong people want Responsible strong partners. It's not rocket science.
love the editing on this one :)
I am overweight and have bulimia. I wouldn't date a person with an ED or is overweight because I want to recover. And a HAE online called me ableist...
Stop being bulmic people die from that
The thing is, the idea that not wanting to date someone from a marginalized group is inherently bigoted...is one that's easily disproven. Here's two examples:
Women are arguably a marginalized group, even if we have more rights than we did in the past. Is it bigotry for a gay man to not want to date a woman? Of course not. He doesn't hate women; he's just not attracted to them.
Suppose a Christian does not want to date an atheist that they are nonetheless close friends with. Is this bigotry? No. This is just the Christian realizing that their conflicting beliefs could cause problems further down the line if they decide to marry and have children.
I was glad when you brought up how not all people will be compatible with an autistic person!! I'm autistic myself and OH MAN. There are definitely kinds of people I could never date. I DO absolutely need someone who is okay with a more routine style schedule. Someone willing to eat leftovers for several days in a row. Someone who can handle it when my emotions are big or even become dysregulated. Someone who isn't loud.
I would definitely want someone to be up front about "hey... I like to change my schedule and life sporadically and frequently. This may not work out". Because I would so agree and not want to waste my time. 😅
(Btw I did find my right person. He isn't Autistic but his personality matches mine in the necessary ways! Not in every way. But the needed ways.)
Another fantastic video. Thank you!
you always have the best takes ngl
I can’t have gluten in my kitchen and I can’t eat at 98% of restaurants and I can’t eat friends’ houses because of an autoimmune disease triggered by gluten. I don’t expect dating to be easy or normal. I don’t expect someone to completely overhaul their lifestyle.
I expect it to be a challenge because I’m asking a lot of someone or their lifestyle needs to already align with mine of really healthy eating to be compatible. I can’t imagine “trapping” someone because they HAVE to date me. What a miserable relationship that would be? And how entitled would I be?
Ooh… you know what I should do? I should date one of THEM. Can’t eat at restaurants, can’t have gluten in the house, etc, since their entire world and livelihood seems to revolve around justifying eating as much junk food as possible, I’m sure they’d LOVE this relationship. But it also seems like they just want people to bend to them and what they want, not the other way around.
I’ve never been so drawn to those overwater bungalows! Her hostility and then to complete bliss! Chefs kiss editing, as usual.
Fat girl weighing in (pun absolutely intended). If somebody saying they don’t date fat women offends you, you’re just looking for something to offend you. Also, if a guy saying he doesn’t find fat women attractive is fatphobic and makes him a horrible person, but saying he exclusively dates fat women because that’s what he finds attractive is fetishizing and makes him a horrible person, how can a guy win with these women??? Dating is a universal struggle. Nobody has it easy but there is one absolute truth that applies to literally everyone. No matter what your body looks like there will always be people who find you attractive and people who don’t. All you can do is focus your attention to the people who do and let everyone else go on about their way. Trying to convince someone that they’re a terrible person because you’re not their physical preference is not only childish and whiny but a huge waste of time as well. For the love of cheesecake just stop. Focus your attention on fighting against actual discrimination.
Beyond established preferences, this is also a personality/character thing. FAs like this surely won’t be able to reel you in with their captivating personalities. To her shallow mind all that’s left is looks -which she doesn’t have, making her demeanor even more hostile to the very ppl she’s attracted to. It’s a toxic circle that FAs want others to break for them. Imo.
True dat. I imagine having a off day when i for whatever reason can't eat and them screaming at me for not eating with them is fatphobic while i'm about to pass out lol
I am the NT half of a mixed NT/ND relationship and I agree with your point about being willing to make a relationship work in our circumstance. Both my husband and I have to put in a large amount of extra effort to bridge the gap between us.
Putting in that sort of effort because you feel social pressure or guilt to do so would just end in heartache. Like do these women want someone to be with them who isn't in it 100%? I don't think they understand what a relationship kept together with obligation really looks like.
Trigger warning; s harassment
I'm a skinny women (more on the buff side but anyway) and a couple years ago I was sexually harassed by a fat women in a church while watching a movie with the rest of the youth group. Because of that I don't think I'll ever date a fat person, I've tried but even just online it starts to trigger me whenever I see especially their hands, I know that that's basically the definition of fatphobic, being scared of fat people. But I would never be mean to someone just because they are fat, they're not the same person as the girl who did that but they have something in common and I'm trying not to let it get to me but it's so hard and it's easier to just not associate with them. Don't worry I am in counselling to try and get better.
Their sense of self-entitlement is aggravating. Humans, like ALL animals, fall under the same rule of ALL creatures in nature; "Survival of the fittest". Mates are more than likely choosing a partner based on this same rule. Truth hurts🤷♂
Liking the new look vids- keep it up 👍🏾
You are so wise. Love your videos.