Let's Talk About Overworking and ADHD
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- čas přidán 23. 07. 2024
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All to often we overwrite time for the things we enjoy for things we THINK are more important, like working. So, how do we honor the things we value in our life? Let's talk about working too much.
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"When you're people pleasing, remember that you are people too."
I think I'm gonna frame this phrase up somewhere because sometimes I need that reminder.
Me too!!
Me 3!
Hear hear!!
have a baby for value 🤗
I feel like this is definitely enigmatic sometimes with adhd....i work 75 hours a week sometimes but what am i or people sacrificing in order to do that. Its a fairly deep question and can cause a fair amount of anxiety.
Nurse with ADHD here. I'm learning to just say "no" to shifts when I don't feel like working. That may sound silly to some people, but I was always taught to work as hard as possible and as long as possible, as well as to help people as much as possible. After several meltdowns at different jobs, just saying "no" seems to be the best way to stay unmelted for me.
It's a bit counterintuitive when comparing the rest of my life, where I need to do things even when I don't feel like doing them, but it's working so far.
as a cna i understand where you are coming from. i cut back my schedule to 32 hours because i needed more time off to recoup. when i was working more i was more short with people and more easily frazzled. having more time to myself, to do the things that i need or want to do has helped me so much. of course the pandemic has made that a lot harder for me. i see all my co workers doing more than me and it makes me feel guilty, but i know that i emotionally can not do more than i am doing now. but you are your biggest advocate. do what you need for your own wellbeing.
That shows some serious strength to be able to recognize that’s what’s best for you, even though all your life you were programmed to believe that you just need to work yourself into the ground, especially being a nurse. Proud of you!❤️
Nurse here as well. Also have ADHD. While I love what i do, and helping people, I have learned to say no to extra shifts because I know my mental health is more important. I'm no good to my patients burnt out and spacey. And neither are you. And that knowledge has honestly made it easier to say no. Im actually helping my patients by saying no because i know i can give them a better version of me if i take care of myself first.
It's a bit tricky, because we in the USA are taught to work work work. Doesn't help with ADHD very much, at least for personal relationships. With ADHD and medication you can definitely focus on the work tasks, but personal life will suffer as a result. I think its tougher for men as we are supposed to be the family income supplier according to society norms. So we work more, and then when we get home we have a list of 'honey-dos', so its more work, which impacts personal time and interests.
Unsurprisingly lots of nurses with ADHD here. Im a nurse too! .
"Not depression but feeling depressed".. very relatable right now. Been in kind of a slump.
I'll have to keep the values thing in mind while I try to figure out what I need to change...
Oh man that is me so often too!
I think this is where I am right now as well.
Stay strong! I’ve noticed that sometimes I’ll have really difficult brain days several days in a row. I noticed that during these times my ADHD symptoms are very exaggerated and I’ll feel a complete lack of motivation, excitement, and I’m more susceptible to harshly judging myself and my life. The important thing to remember is to let yourself just sulk and take care of yourself. You don’t have to try your hardest to feel better or make any sort of changes, just let those around you know that you are having a hard brain day, or couple of days and do things that excite you, or relax you. I also like to remind myself during these days that I am fine and okay, my brain is just not on my side and it’s challenging but that’s okay, I’m strong. You absolutely got this and I am sending nothing but love and positivity and brightness your way!❤️☀️
For me, I notice that I'll have a really hyperactive 2-3 weeks. Where I'll get a bunch done, so many things around my apartment will be reorganized and put away. But afterwards, I slump into depression. Not very often a full blown episode because I do have chronic depression but. I dunno. It's weird.
I'm currently in a slump for the last couple days after doing a bunch of stuff this weekend. And I foresee that happening again this upcoming weekend and next but I don't know how to avoid it.
@@christopherueland1698 Thank you.. that's very relatable and some good advice. I think I needed to hear that. I do my best to remind myself that I'm just having a rough time and it'll pass, but it can difficult to remember or believe on my own in a low moment.
Oh wow, feeling guilty for not doing more. "Am I doing enough? I'm not doing more, I COULD be doing MORE, I'm not doing enough," which for me leads directly to "I am not enough." Thank you for this, like, SO much. Also for always making me smile with your opening sequences. I, too, have done the thing with the two coffee cups, and yeah, it uh, heh. I am forever grateful to the woman who first sent me a link to your channel, and to you for making these videos.
aw thank you! And yeah, we always "could" be doing more, except that would mean doing less of something else. This had literally never occurred to me. 😆
I saw his video on my CZcams and I’m watching before class
@@HowtoADHD and that "something else" is allowed to be resting and relaxing to take care of our physical and mental health! Even if it feels like "nothing." I'm a therapist who started my own private practice recently to try to find this better balance of what is important to me and having the time and energy to do it- this video was very relatable!
@@xsweetness523x oh man yes, this is probably one of the biggest things I think us ADHDers struggle with; self care and rest. Because society glorifies busyness and being busy. And that adds to our already busy brains. For us it means not only feeling like failures for not "doing more" or even just "not enough" but then also makes us feel guilty for practicing self care and we tend to avoid self care in favour of trying to do more or just "enough".
I would say this week was one of my more busy weeks
"I should be doing more." I've realized lately why this is such a problem for me. I can do about half as much as a neurotypical person because I'm so unorganized. But I can think of things to do (whether they are necessary, a good idea, or just plain fun) about ten times as fast as a neurotypical person. So that's why I feel like I have 20 times as many things to do as I can do! And since this happens every day, my todo list just gets longer and longer, and that's why I feel so overwhelmed. I'm working on narrowing down the list...
Completely get it, sounds scary familiar.
Hooboy, do I feel this! I had a conversation the other day with my therapist. "I'm not sure if I'm not getting enough done because I am disorganized and just can't get myself organized, or if it's because there's literally not enough hours in the day to accomplish the things I want to do." I'm a grad student, it's probably actually a bit of both, but it has taken me literally 40 years to realize that just because I *want* to do something, it doesn't mean I actually have the time and energy. I still have to spend time on pesky things like eating and sleeping.
Felt like this on monday. Brain running off everywhere. But what helps me with this for the time being is to make a list, that is sorted. A table where you sort your to do's in the categories: important and urgent, important but not urgent, unimportant but urgent and unimportant and not urgent. This helps me a lot.
Wow, this is so insightful!
Thank you for that perspective. That makes sense for me, too, but I never thought of it quite like that. It helps...
one thing that helped me a lot was changing the meaning of "productivity" from working, studying, etc to doing things that are good for me. sometimes that's learning something new and sometimes that's taking a break. i've been feeling more satisfied ever since.
Sounds like a good tip!
That a really good idea. Things for good for you rather than doing things. I've noticed us with ADHD struggle with getting things done
are we human “doings” or human “beings” - how/when are we putting work into “being” rather than “just doing”
That is a really terrific reframing of “productivity.” We get so focused in our society with “being productive” and that means making money and doing a job and - well, producing something, that even people without ADHD struggle. I’m going to write this down and stick it on my computer.
@@shiverwolfplays I hate to say it but GDP as “goods” something tangible versus the “services” part - which is our type of contribution. Do you see the world as only “(physical) widgets?” Is that why teachers are so undervalued? (The CPT codes/rRVU are turning our work into widgets.)
I've learned that "working through tiredness" is extremely injurious to my health. I used it to get my PhD done, but I'm still paying for it.
Take a hike literally down everything get out into nature do the appalachain or something.
@@DavidPaulNewtonScott Would do that if I wasn't tied down with family responsibilities. In the meantime I'm making do with the garden.
@@NielMalan Take them with you! ;-b
Same ! Did it for too many years and it’s taking years to come out of it ! Plus, wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of months ago. Talk about pushing ourselves !
@@laubowiebass Pushing ourselves, indeed!
What works best for you? I've found that paced breathing gives some relief.
I just cried myself through a therapy session in which multiple times I said "I am doing too much, I need to learn how to slow down." and this is the first notification I saw afterward. Perfect timing for me to help drive some messages home.
❤
I tend to think about this as "opportunity cost," that the real cost of something is what else you give up being able to purchase. Time spent in one place can't be spent elsewhere. This also reminds me of a pamphlet about procrastination that urged people to examine without shame what they get from procrastinating because sometimes it's a legitimately good trade. The ADHD still makes it challenging to spend my time deliberately, but looking at this in these ways helps me feel less ashamed when things don't get done.
Good point, & worthy of consideration.
what is the pamphlet about? would you mind sharing?
I'm only just beginning to realize how much time/energy I've spent and stress I've caused to myself trying to live a life based not on the values I have, but on the values I *think* I should have. Feels like a bit of an ADHD thing -- trying so hard to fit your square-peg brain into the round-hole world that you forget about honoring the squareness of you because you're so ashamed of being what you are, because what you are is wrong somehow. I've been doing this for so long that I've almost completely lost touch with what actually matters to me, much less been able to convince myself that it's worth setting aside time for it. You've given me a lot to chew on. Thank you for the food!!
Sorry, I pressed send by accident……. You’re probably going to feel that aweful feeling still!! So search way back in time to someone eho degraded you (it doesn’t have to have been nasty but could have been something Small that was said a thousand times like Oh, you don’t understand anything, just be quiet !) then once you figure out who they are & you’ll know the why the how & everything about”why you feel the way you do about yourself!! It’s a hard thing to do because you may find it was someone you loved very much like a parent or a babysitter or Grandpa but I know once I figured this out, everything made sense to me! And it will to you, also!! I hope you can figure it out!! Good Luck!!
Some of my values are: being in nature, exercise, friends and crafting. Weirdly all of those are pushed to the side the moment something gets hard, like work or just so stressed out.
Oh man..I felt this statement in my bones 🤗😔
Me too. I have not yet leaned how to maintain the balance when life gets busy. Then it takes me half of a holiday to unwind, crash, and recover. I vow each time not to lose the balance when I get home, but it's gone again my the end of the first day.
"I like having teeth" - Jessica, 2021
I started semi-regularly brushing my teeth when I lost some of my teeth.
Kathy B
@@jamesbriggs5740 relatable.
Haven't watched the full video yet but ik you might respond if I comment now; thanks for your videos . Adhd was a struggle my whole life your videos helped me and my parents understand what the heck my brain is doing
aw good to hear, thank you!
I needed this right now 💜
funny to see you here buddy. I hope you're doing well. I have watched your channel for many years.
Sameeeeeeee
I always suspected you had adhd watching your videos been a long time follower bro hope youre doing well man
Hmmm to drive the gtr, right?
SAME! I'm burning out rapidly!
I JUST got diagnosed as a university student in my last year (year 6 for a 4 year program lol 😅). I have an appointment to start medication tomorrow. I appreciate your content so much. I related so hard that it convinced me this was an avenue worth pursuing. I’m so excited to make adjustments and hopefully start enjoying learning again now that I have this piece of the puzzle figured out. Thank you so much for the work you do. The future finally seems bright.
I was kicked out for grades.
Never went back
"year 6 for a 4 year program"
yeah I feel that one.
@@edwardvalentino3835 I almost was as well. Narrowly avoided by switching universities twice, and programs 3 times.
@@Love2Destroy it seems way more common than not nowadays!
What's the diagnosis criteria for being diagnosed as a university student? How serious is the condition? 😅😅
I love that you mention lack of energy. I work as an EMT and I'm a single mom. I value work and value time with my kids. But I expend SO much energy at work I can barely get out of bed on a day off. Thanks for helping me see I'm not alone
I’m 63 on 11/21. My values are in my alone time at about 3 am and my study time at about 4:30. At my age I still want to learn new things. 🌺
Engineering student here, happy to hear this message. I recently just got out of an overworked slump. I also realized being overworked and overwhelmed = less sleep= even more hyperactivity.
Practicing Engineer here. It's one of those professions where overwork is endemic, especially in roles like commissioning and field service. You've got to watch out for that stuff.
This is me from pouring the coffee! When I taught ESL online, I opened every slot from 7:00 p.m.- 8:00 a.m. 7 days a week and they almost always filled. The money was great, but I was getting no sleep. Putting myself last is an issue and my therapist tries to get it through my thick head!
You haven't got a thick head. Be kind to yourself.
"Remember that you are people too" oof that hit home.
Thank you for these, every time. Truly grateful for what you do ❤❤❤❤
Me too! I never even thought of my needs until a few years ago!! And I am in my 60’s!! Wow, that’s part of the reason why I wish I was diagnosed when I was very young, so I wouldn’t have felt guilty about needing love, or being someone, period!!
I love that, I still remember my best friend telling me, that I can also decline an appointment if I don't already have something planned at this time!
Now that I've had the chance to watch the video, you're spot-on. The only thing I struggle with these days is being able to balance work with financial circumstances. I feel like I have no choice but to sacrifice my personal values in order to survive. I'm lucky to have enough financial resources now to be able to take some time off, but that doesn't make it any easier, and I know there are many who have it much worse.
The economy is just terrible right now. A lot of people are struggling.
Perhaps reframing your financial endeavors in a way that helps you see how they support your values will help. They are a means to an end - just a way to work toward gaining what it is that you value... I have to do this often. I love my job and I love what I do, but financial demands can feel overwhelming. Instead of thinking "my work schedule really interferes with what I value (time w friends, working on my farm, going back to school, etc)," I have to stop myself and say "I am working so many hours so I can be independent of support from others and I can make my own decisions about my life (when I come/go, who I am friends with/how I spend the free time I do have)". It works for me when I start to feel resentment that I am unable to spend more time/energy on the things I value more. Just a thought
And reminder that the fact that others have it worse doesn’t invalidate your struggles.
@@shiverwolfplays YES! I beat myself up for my feelings a lot before I realized it actually makes it worse for my mental health.
Since becoming a first time father 2 years ago - although I've never had so much clarity in my life, I've never felt so snowed under as I do now.
My partner and I, don't have a support network and to keep us financially stable falls completely on my head. I work in Health and social care with people who have severe learning disabilities, I do 24 hour shifts and have to spend 2 nights away a week just to keep our money up. We live pay cheque and pay cheque. I know I'm being chipped away on a daily basis and live with never ending guilt. Nothing would please me more at this point in my family life to be able to work a monday - friday, 9-5 - but that just doesn't seem like a realistic option right now. I hope our circumstances change for the better in the near future.
I needed to hear this now. Especially I have this voice in my head that guilty me into doing more or shames me for not doing enough. I'm trying to combat and find the source of where this voice internalized from.
In a world that keeps reinforcing the idea you must be productive 24/7 and not doing so you're seen as a leech on society, it's good to have a reminder we're allowed to live a life in balance with work and play. And a good reminder we're limited in our capacity, even if we hate to admit it
The source of internal critical voices is usually people from your childhood or youth. Especially parents, authority figures, teachers, and peers.
Find out who it is, and when you hear that voice in your head say out loud “we don’t talk to ___!”
Naming your demons is the best thing to do. With a name, they’re no longer as scary/formless. You can recognize them and say “no. I know who you are. You’re not me and you’re not right so go away and stop bothering me”
Meditation with people like Harrold can help
I have that darn voice too!! Did I catch it from you? No only joking! Yes, I figured it out, it was my mother ! She was ADHD(but didn’t know it! She was also bipolar & a narcissist ! She never liked me much unless she could brag to her friend about some achievements I had if not, I couldn’t be a “good girl” she messed with my head so much, it has taken a lifetime to even like myself but knowing who is half the battle, right? So try to see in your past, someone who has made you feel guilty about being you! And that’s more than likely “who” that voice is!!
A values list! Such a good idea, I think I'll implement this and also show it to my friends. In a fast paced life this small details are so important but often overlooked.
That's such a good idea! Accountability (in this case, other people also being aware of what's important to you) is such a critical tool for those of us with ADHD. Hadn't thought to apply it to this (cause it's not work! lol), thanks for the idea :)
@@HowtoADHD happy to serve as feedback the adhd brains must stick together :)
A hard one for us to learn, but this is part of my philosophy - "Strive for perfection, don't throw tantrums if you cannot receive it nor achieve it. If absolutely necessary, accept the lesser evil"
My values: Improving my own and others' mental health. Being kind but not a doormat. I'm hoping to start training to be a Counsellor or Psychotherapist next academic year, and have a year to get my own head more screwed on first! Studying bits of psychology and philosophy has done me a lot of good the last 18 months.
"How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!" "Slowly slowly catchy monkey!" - Old British sayings
About the "you are people too" - whenever I feel like I'm not doing enough, I try to think of what I would tell a friend struggling with the same thing. If my friend deserves kindness, there's no reason I wouldn't deserve it too
Holy crap this makes so much sense on a fundamental level. Even though I feel like I'm GREAT at multitasking and being able to juggle a bunch of things, I've never realised that I tend to push more of one thing and lessen the others to the point of almost neglect due to becoming hyperfocused on one particular thing that I enjoy. I'd been in a huge slump recently, and honestly I'd chalked it up to being a depressive episode and a little bit of Seasonal Affective Depression on top. But really when I think about it harder, I've been neglecting doing more of the other things I enjoy or need to do, and instead just been focusing on one aspect of my life instead.
I say this like a broken record. This is so valuable -- to far more people than just ADHD. A child with parents that don't have these tools to teach their children can end up the same. They are forced to figure it out for themselves. A good thing, and such a challenge Thank you SO MUCH. Bring this forward is AWESOME, and I am 68 years old and not a teacher!
Dealing with this now...I feel mentally exhausted cause there's so much to do and I already struggle with not finishing things and they add and then I find there's more to do😔
The key takeaway for me is this: "Your capacity is limited by your values."
I couldn't agree more with this statement!
What matters most to me is my family, and I know I'm my heart and from experience that I will go to greater lengths for my family than for anything else.
It's funny how in sync we are sometimes, I was just talking to my therapist last week about how I feel I am not doing enough and although I am trying to be kinder to myself it is a struggle because often it feels like it is either get stuff done or take care of myself. I have a hard time doing both.
Living in line with my values is something I strive for as well. One of my values was also being a good dog mom. I just lost my 15 year old dog this past weekend, and I am so so so glad that I prioritized her over a lot of things I 'should' have been doing. Those memories are so precious to me now. Also - losing her has been so hard, and I 'should' have returned to work today, but my work is a lot of emotional labor and I'm not ready yet; I'm proud of myself for prioritizing my grieving and healing process.
I'm so sorry for your loss, dog mama. Hope you're doing ok and glad you're taking time for yourself to grieve.
I've been trying to work on this and one thing that has helped is the bullet journal. it has allowed me to schedule tasks and assign a value to them. bird watching when the herons are in town is more Important than covering your shift. and having the planner to pull out look at and say "I'm busy that day I can't" keeps me from over committing myself. thanks for all of the amazingly helpful videos, you rock.
I’ve just barely started trying out the bullet journal. I really like the concept.
Having a BulletJournal really changed my life! I've been using it for two years now, and it helped me become much more organized
I love my journal. It's helped me so much.
sorry for being nosy / intrusive, but how do you manage using it? I tried having a bullet journal, but would always forget about it or got overwhelmed by the whole effort of actually setting it up & using it.
@@crazylittleangel I also have used one for a couple of years now - I trained myself to make it part of my morning routine, when I've gotten my basic 'me time' tasks out the way I sit down for 5-10 minutes and write out my plan for the day. It could also be one of the last things you do before bed - either way leave it somewhere very obvious and open for yourself as a visual prompt for when you wake up.
I try to keep Sunday evenings free too so I can sit down and plan for the week ahead. It's great for carrying over things you didn't have time to do and helps me a lot to not lose many random scraps of paper with to-do lists on like I used to haha.
Oh dang. It actually makes so much sense that the reason I feel disconnected from my values is 'cause I'm literally not making sure I'm spending enough time on them. Like, besides my education, none of my values are getting the dedicated attention they deserve. No- that I deserve! I'm super hyped now, thanks for this video
My values:
Spending time with my kitties
Caring for my kitties (litter box, food, vet, etc...)
Making good meals
Cleaning the house
Laundry
Gaming (how I want, not how people in my gaming world want me to play)
Spending time with my husband (need to do more of that...)
Laundry
Running Errands
Doctor visits
Keeping my teeth clean and putting my braces back in without waiting too long (hard to do sometimes!)
Sleep (though I hate the act of going to sleep, this channel has helped make it better!)
Self care (remembering to shower...)
Singing
Playing Piano
Yard work
Working on my plushie commissions (really bad at that lately)
Trying to find a balance is hard! I really wish there was an app for this with those sliders! That would be so awesome! (free app lol)
Somebody gets me !
Coming to this realization thanks to Mark Manson a few months ago has actually been completely life-changing to me. I had never even say down and identified what babies I wanted to hold. Instead, I was mis-managing a bunch of conflicting values that I never chose in the first place, many of which I realized I didn't even like. So. Yeah. Values are everything.
He also talked about how saying "no" is saying "maybe" to an infinite amount of things. Saying "yes" to one thing is saying "no" to everything else.
"When you're people-pleasing, remember that you are people too." Word.
High five for 8 minutes a week, Jess! 😎👍
haha yep I'll take it!
I was looking for this comment because ME TOO ONLY 8 MINUTES A WEEK but working 70hrs whoops
Now that I’ve finished watching the video I should probably quit this job because that’s crazy and sliding scale and I haven’t seen my friends in months
Great job with this episode. You were the reason I got diagnosed. I also feel like I am never doing enough when I am doing college full time work full time and start my writing business. I am so glad you shared your story
I love this idea, but I think it can go even deeper. As an example, I had a six figure career as an engineer with a major motor manufacturer (I know, rare for a brain), I had, and continue to be, married for 16 years, I had, and continue to have a great group of friends. But I was not happy, took a lot for me to admit that to myself. After a lot of meditating, I figured out why, I was not building anything anymore. Work had taken over all the time and energy I had to go into the lab, build things, film and publish videos. I recently took a new position as a Sr. new product architect, and now I am building things again, and for the first time I am starting to produce content again for both of my CZcams channels. My point, it is not just energy and time that you are committing, it is what you are doing during those commitments. I now have a career where when I put more time and energy into it, I get returns not only on the work slider, but on the making things slider and the learning new skills slider. I think seeking or prioritizing commitments that can multiple wins can be a great strategy.
Such a good point! If the work we choose is more in line with our values, that helps too :)
What an amazing explanation as to why I struggle with some tasks. I never gave thought to the values that define me and whether or not what I'm doing matches what matters to me. I'm going to put some time into this and make a list. Thank you for your videos. You not only inspired me to learn more about my ADHD, you also helped me with making the decision to get back on my meds after struggling for 20 years and "hulk smashing" my way through everything. Things are looking up, and I'm feeling hopeful for the future. Thank you!
so glad you’re taking care of yourself, to move towards a brighter tomorrow, momma brain 🧠
I'm tryin! It's been a rough patch for me lately. This is one of the things helping me pull out of it. Hugs
Your videos have helped so much. I've spent almost my whole life thinking something was wrong with me. Until I stumbled onto your channel. My therapist had just diagnosed me at 52 but I was still feeling somehow it was me thing. So then I also found your Ted Talk "Failing at Normal" and all the pieces fell into place. So, over-sharing all of this just to say Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you!! I appreciate you sharing this. You are different, you are beautiful, and you are not alone :)
I’ve learned to be aware of my feelings and needs so I can tailor my to-do list to match each day but then my mom will give me an itinerary for each day based solely on what she wants. I’ve tried to negotiate with her and advocate for myself (I’m 19) but she just retaliates by saying I’m too focused on myself and my feelings. Apparently because she feels miserable and hates life all day she thinks I should too. She keeps saying “that’s life” but it’s actually just the life that she’s made for herself. It’s been so frustrating that despite understanding myself, acknowledging my struggles, and learning possible solutions I still can’t succeed because I am held to the standards of others. Thank you so so much for making these videos! Even though I can’t do much to help my situation it has helped me immensely to learn about myself and grow into who I am regardless of what other people say. ❤️
"You are people too" oof that line hits REEEEAAALLLY hard....
Values list, and blocking my values. So super important. Going to try this out. When I have spoons for it. /:
My values: good pet mom; good roommate/friend; good work ethic while at work (so draining right now).... not sure what else. I’m super tired from being essential for so long. Probably need to add self care a little bit at a time until that can become a value too.
Wow this is literally the video I needed after withdrawing from a college course that was simply too much, that I had only stayed in for this long because of the feeling of "I could be doing more! I can't be this bad!" I mean the fact that it was a fairly interesting course content-wise wasn't helping either.
Anyway, it was a real hard decision to make as it makes me feel like I'm weak. But I think this was for the better. There's other more important things at stake right now
“When you are people pleasing, remember… you are people too… You Matter.” 😭 Thanks for this… I am so overwhelmed by life at the moment. So many people asking for pieces of my time and capacity. I need to remember that I matter too.
I have severe anxiety about everything I could be doing... To the point it freezes me in my seat. There always seems so much and there is always more that's required of me. I'm a disabled single mom but I want to have a life to move forward with when she's grown up and it's time for her to move forward. This helps a lot. An ADHD coach may be exactly what I needed.
I had actually been putting off watching this video almost sort of knowing its exactly what i needed to hear. At times its almost suffocating wondering if ive done enough, and ive been really struggling since 2 very important adults in my life are telling me im not.. thank you again for another extremely helpful video. My path may not be easy, but i can handle it
This hit at the perfect time. Finding balance is so hard when you feel you’re always falling short of what you want to do. This helped put a lot into perspective. Thank you so much for what you do. It is immeasurable how much it really helps.
Thank you Jess. My entire family got Covid 3 days ago. Let me tell you that even being very sick it is hard for me to relax without feeling unproductive. I can't control much of anything right now and find comfort in enjoying some of my long lost hobbies. Your content has saved me from many downward spirituals. YOU give me a safe space to when my ADHD and anxiety have me emotionally paralyzed. I know for a fact that I am not the only one that has benefited greatly from all of your hard work. Take some time for yourself for your sake and ours. :)
This video came out at the perfect time for me, I took off work yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and I could not stop being mad at myself for not being able to do more while I was home all day 🙃 I wanted to do homework, work on music, or go to the gym, but I just didn't have the energy to 😭 this video makes me feel better about using my time to take care of myself, thank you 💖
This. People need to understand this. A lot of people around me are workaholics and they don't understand why I can't have the same work ethic
Right?? "Give it 110%" "first of all that's not how math works...and even if I gave 100%, that leaves 0% for anything else"
I finally spoke to my doctor today and she's going to refer me to an adult adhd service to get tested. Your work is without a doubt meaningful but please do take care of yourself too
I really needed to hear this today. Thanks for this! I have two part time jobs and trying to keep boundaries in place is really difficult. I look at the time when I'm off and worry that I'm being selfish or lazy by not working while also feeling overworked. Realizing that this is a common problem is a relief
I feel this so muchy!!! I have been called selfless many times in my life and this is exactly why. Caring about yourself feels wrong on so many levels. I feel so selfish when putting myself first. It is definitely a struggle for ADHD brains.
Just what I needed right now
Thank you for your videos, so so much. I am starting to understand I am not 'broken' 'mentally unhealthy' just DIFFERENT. I would love to be able to contribute to your videos in some way, with my own research into self-improvement and mental well-being!
This is so important that I feel the need to find more hours of content about it.
Thank you. My trauma therapist talked to me several months ago about the need to live a value-centered life, and I either wasn’t ready to hear it or wasn’t ready to understand the full impact of how much living the way I am is killing me. I was ready today and really needed to hear this. You’ll never truly know; I’m at a pivotal turning point in my life, and I think you just reminded me of the tool I needed to let me figure out where to go. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Aww. I wonder if it's a trauma therapy thing. This came from my trauma therapist too. Glad to know you'll be on this journey with me :)
Thank you so much! You alway seem to say the things I need to hear.
I value reading. It’s on my daily habit tracker and I have been putting it off for weeks. Telling myself “I need to do this…” “I need to do that…” “That is WAY more important than reading right now”, but you are right. The things you value are the things that make up a life and I have to honor my values to honor myself. 💕
I've got a new job, and as someone who has had a job impact them for years after its 6 month stint, I fully understand the need for boundaries when It comes to work.
However my new job in its default state doesn't respect those boundaries, if they want you to do overtime you HAVE to do overtime. It's gruelling uninteresting work, and I've heard the words "work takes priority" which is just gross. the disability organisation that got me this job sorted out a limit to my hours but also wants me to stick with this job for quite a few months.
My boundaries are being thoroughly tested
People keep telling me to just suck it up, but I need to respect myself and respect my boundaries. I know the consequences if I don't. It helps to keep the mentality of "this is my labour I'm selling to you, I can choose the conditions of the sale". It also helps to view your workplace as a relationship, if the relationship keeps violating your boundaries then that's something you need to take control of before it destroys you.
Hey girl. Your content has been so amazing to follow as a woman in her early 30s and who has had a lifelong struggle with ADHD. I would love to see a video that touches on starting a family/pregnancy/parenting - all while managing a career - while having ADHD. There is so much information about raising kids who have it but not enough for us parents who are struggling with it. I am sure there are so many who benefit from this! Thanks again
This video reminded me of a quote from another great CZcamsr:
“You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something you produce. It is not the only thing you will make, nor should it be, but it is something valuable and beautiful.”
― Hank Green, A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor
Never thought about picking up something extra means dropping something else. Thank you for sharing! It's definitely an Aha Moment as to why I tend to be perpetually tired, stressed, and blah. Would you please do a follow up? I know I'm not the only one struggling with "but it's not productive or of value ". Example: I love playing the cello or piano, or coloring/painting, but I'm making money or in any way contributing/helping others. It only impacts me positively. And the added guilt of still needing to sort and organize the house better, on top of usual things like cleaning, laundry, cooking, errands, etc. So I just put fun on the backburner as not worth it. Any suggestions?
I use these things as rewards for time spent doing unmotivating tasks. Sometimes I say to myself I will do Task A for 1 hour and then I can spend some time doing something just for me. I am less motivated to do the tasks if I know that there will never be an end to them and I will never get to what I want to do. If I get to that point of work work work and no play I start robbing my work time for play time and I am unproductive in both and neither is enjoyable.
@@kariepw6792 thank you! It's still going to be hard, but looking at hobbies as rewards is going to help! And I so felt your "work work work" description. I'm currently on that hampster wheel. But I'm going to put your advice into practice and hopefully get away from it, even if just occasionally.
I just want to say "Thank You!" Watching your videos and being apart of a community has really helped me understand myself better and learn how to manage it better.
Thank you for this timely video. I am a university professor and researcher, who LOVES what they do! I had a moment about a month ago during a therapy session where I vocalized "I'm not living the life I want". In verbalizing that, I broke down. I love my work but I have never wanted it to be my identity. It was valued but was not the highest of my values. Despite that, it would likely appear to anyone who looked at me that it was my highest value. I realized that I needed to make changes to my life to better balance workload and get to engaging in relationships and activities that brought me joy and fulfillment, that I valued more. I reflected that the happiest I can remember was when I was doing that.
"When you're people pleasing, remember that you are people too."
I really needed to hear this. I cannot believe that I've never thought of it this way.
This couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Thank you.
This hits hard right now, going through this same thing. Thank you
This is a great topic. Thank you! It's also an economic topic: opportunity cost. You have to give something to get something.
I'd had this opened, unwatched in a background window while I worked my internship from home. When I stopped working after putting in an undocumented extra half hour because I felt like I "should have accomplished more" and "I have to make up for my ADHD slowing me down," I made myself some food and drowsily watched this video. Guess I needed to.
Wow, this is really good advice for everyone, regardless of their situation in life!
This was so perfect and exactly what I needed as I’m beginning this new chapter in my life. Thank you! 😊😌
Jessica, thank you so much for the work you do! Don't feel like you're leaving your subscribers hanging if you need to take time for the other things you value in your life. Your subscribers have their choice of over 200 videos to watch on your channel. We can get our Jessica fix anytime we need it, even if you don't produce a new video every week.
You're amazing. Don't ever forget it!
THIS HAS BREN HUGE FOR ME. One of my bigger symptoms is not knowing how much time things will take or how much energy. My entire adult life has been a constant shifting things around responsibilities, hobbies, etc to as what I told me therapist “bite off what I can chew.” I am currently going to school, working part time, and I am a mom. I was working full time and I asked my manager to reduce my hours and luckily that’s a possibility at my job. We are actually working on reducing my hours a bit more right now because I am possibly going to be upping my school hours. I am lucky enough to have a supportive spouse who makes more than me anyway and I totally get the privilege that is but if you can and you need it, do it!
Thank you for the videos! They’ve helped me realize that I might have ADHD. I never got diagnosed as a kid since I was gifted and have the inattentive type symptoms. I’m worried about how to approach this with my parents because of this (and also since I can see a lot of the symptoms in my mom).
I feel so emotional thinking about this because I've been struggling with doing college online. Regardless of wether I'm on track any given week I've been learning new recipes to cook and baking because I value being able to make those things for the people I care about and for myself. I've been feeling guilty about making time for that when I'm behind in school..
Hi. Have you considered listening to your college lectures while cooking? I often do this and am amazed at what I absorb while doing something completely unrelated. I do watch them once so I can see the charts or graphs, but I continuously listen to them throughout the week while doing other things. I think of this kind of like my "fidget" toy. I just put them on like background music and do whatever else I need to-cook, fold laundry, whatever. Hopefully this will work for you too.
I've already been struggling with this in a different sence: I've finally been moving towards working on my own projects and getting them off the ground (i made a whole work book of your Should I do the Thing! worksheets!) but money can be a bit sporadic since I'm a freelance illustrator. Part of my brain is insisting that I force myself into a job outside of the house, but because I can't drive (thanks adhd) the commutes are longer, more exhausting, and shifts will be constantly all over the place. That will affect my values and mental health because thats what it did before. -sigh- Just gotta keep working on my projects.
Thank you for this. I am going to share this with a few friends. Oddly I have been struggling with this recently because I don't have the energy I use to and I want to do more than I can. I have been feeling down because of this. I want to help people I'm not able to I have an endless list of stories to write. I find that when I work too much, things around the house pile up, I don't work out enough and my health suffers and my cat needs more attention. Time for me to rethink my values. For most of my life, I've been a helper helping everyone but myself. Now I'm focusing on my goals but since COVID hit and having had COVID for 28 days last year my value system shifted. I will reassess. Thank you again.
I'm coming close to my mock exams soon in school and this really helped me, thank you.
I really needed to hear this. Some of my values are creativity and growing as an artist. But I've felt really guilty because I haven't known where to start and I've tried to improve and take classes but then I end up giving up for a while because a lot of classes and methods of learning art are not ADHD-friendly. I really want an art-related job, but I can't get one if I'm not a good artist, so I end up feeling guilty for not drawing anything. Anyone know of any ADHD-friendly tutorials, tips, classes, methods, or schools, or anything that could help this ADHD brain learn art?
Maybe try the Bob Ross way. Short bursts and finished products in a fairly adhd friendly time frame.
@@maisiecat71 That sounds interesting. Could you please go into more detail? I'm not very familiar with Bob Ross.
@@RenaissanceGirl he was a painter who ran a TV show called "The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross", and broke down painting into very easy to understand and learn steps, but also has this very calming, gentle, and soothing energy and way about him that people just love, and somehow kept my 5-7yo adhd brain entranced everytime I watched an episode - and I mean ENTRANCED. He has a very soothing, gentle voice that's very ASMR friendly (his episodes have been used for ASMR type stuff, and also to help people fall asleep lol). I'm sure you can probably find his episodes here on CZcams or some streaming service online :)
Oh yes !! Learn from him!! He was great on tv, I watched every week!! The tv station he was on was a Public Broadcasting Network ! Maybe that will help you find his shows and the host of that show before him was also, excellent at being a tv artist but of course I can’t remember ‘his name’, sorry!!
I really needed this. I have been over committing to the point where I missed appointments and got dismissed from my mental health practices and accidentally injured my knee and am unable to to drive right now.
One struggle I have is trying to find/note my values. Good exercise to do.
I always found it hard to appreciate thing. Like I know what I have and I'm thankful but I just can't appreciate it? I know how much I have but I can't appreciate it?
Sounds like depression to me, or possibly alexithymia or both. I suspect you've got unresolved issues you need to see a therapist for, as I spent a lot of time there myself, until I started to come out of decades of depression
I've reached out to Edge because it sounds brilliant. I wonder if they work with people outside of the USA though? Also the values plan is wonderful.
I believe we spoke about international and it was something they were open to. Good luck!
@@HowtoADHD Thanks so much, Jess. As it happens Denise got back to me within a few hours. Which is awesome 😊
I’m a student studying to be a music educator. I recently heard a current music teacher say that there will always be more to do. You need to draw the boundaries and keep to them, so that you aren’t becoming burned out.
This was so valuable to me! I rarely say no. I to was feeling overwhelmed and my husband said something similar to me. I also LOVE my work. I'm a Nanny and absolutely love kids. I seem to get children that others don't understand or are to challenging. If all I do is this, it saps not only my physical energy, but also my mental energy.
I just have always felt my whole life, that if I say no, people won't like me. People pleaser to the nth degree! Including me in that pleasing will be difficult, but necessary. Thanks again for sharing this!!!
My question is a sophomore in high school is: how do I manage this when every one else seems to be doing so much more and manage it. So how can I as someone with adhd manage this without compromising my grades or activities i can list on my uni application? Bruh I wrote this and then you started your part for edge, but still any other tips?
Hi. If the only reason you are doing "activities" is so you can list them on your university application-drop them. If they don't bring you joy or fulfillment, it's a waste of your time and efforts. I recently had a conversation with a teaching assistant at my university in which she reminded me they give out degrees. Not an A degree, B degree, or C degree. Just degrees. I graduate in 4 weeks. I look at the kids in my class (most are 1/2 my age) and wonder why I can't do as much as they do. And then I remember, most of them are not a single parent raising 4 special needs kids. And you know what else? I don't think any of them have earned 2 Bachelor's degrees in 2 1/2 years!!! You might be doing more than you realize, but you're comparing apples to tires. I wish you the best.
Skip the “application fluffing” for college. Focus on your grades and anything you have to do for scholarships, and skip the “leadership” bs. There used to be a perceived cachet in which college you went to, which meant that you had to be a competitive candidate to get in “here” rather than “there”, but a lot of that prestige has been shown lately to be nothing but marketing, not educational value. Harvard turns out just as many idiots as your state university, but they have bigger debt loads.
I suffer with depression, anxiety, and PTSD along with my ADHD.
Also I have agoraphobia.
So I don't like to spend time out of the house. I am afraid that if I do, I will be wasting time. And I need to use that time and energy on something else.
It is so hard for me.
I have a son with ADHD as well. And a toddler that has autism and shows signs of ADHD.
So life is hard. And I use what motivation I can grab, to post things on Instagram. For awareness of all my issues.
It helps to see not the likes but to think each one of those is a person. And I hope my message, encourages them.
Thank you so much. I found you on Snapchat. And came here for less ads. It was too distracting for my ADHD. Lol.
Please keep putting out content.
Big hugs.
This... Is something extremely valuable and helpful to me. I have had alot of trouble in the past when it came to my work and life balance. It was either all of nothing for them... and I'd often find myself getting really angry or upset because it would feel like all I've been doing is work... I wasn't able to pay attention to my own values and it would really upset me.
This is something that I have struggled with for so long. So, thank you for sharing it!
I haven't had my diagnosis for long... But your channel has become my number 1 resource to learn and try new things from!
It has helped me accept my adhd and helped me learn how to manage it. Thank you so much!
Thank you for this. I needed to hear it. You really helped me articulate why I was so overwhelmed with my M-F part time job. Even though it was part time, it was every week day and it left me too tired to do anything else I cared about. I value working: contributing financially is important to me. But so is being a good mom, having time to work on creative projects, and those things felt cramped without a weekday off. This helped me explain to my boss why the job wasn’t working and what we could change to make it work.
The animations you listed above would be GREAT for an app idea. Some way to plug in your ideal goals - then add commitments outside of those goals so you can visualize the impact. Synced with Outlook or whatever calendar is used for work. Hmm.
Thank you! I have a ton of trouble relaxing so I work way too much. It’s nice to hear this from someone.
"When you are people pleasing, remember that YOU are people too."
I NEEEEEEEEEEDED to hear that today oh my god. Literally adding this quote to my journal. Thank you.
So I was working on this same thing this week for therapy and wound up watching your vid right before session today and it really resonated with me. It's also really important to distinguish the difference between Values and Goals. Russ Harris has done a lot of work in the field of Value-driven living and I highly recommend people check him out - he's on YT as well. And it's weird, I got introduced to the concept of Value-driven decision making during some group sessions previously, but it hadn't really landed with me the same. I definitely credit this video with helping me make the breakthrough today. The point you made about capacity being limited by values was super on-point for me. ADHD brains definitely have a tough time with motivation already (per other vids haha), so further limiting it by the values helps contextualize why some stuff is so damn hard. I also really loved the sound bar metaphor, that really worked for me. I hope more people see this and are able to have a real "Ah-HAH" moment like I was. :)
Needed this! Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this!
Teeth! A value we share! 🤣 I’ve learned so much from you channel and have a list of your videos I share with friends, my kids’ teachers, family, everyone. Thank you for all you do.
I’m not diagnosed with adhd but this is super recognizable. I started off the year with three jobs and college full time, and when I cut back my work; I didn’t really change my study habits. But I did make more friends; regularly doing my laundry, and finally got my mental health in check. Thank you for the reminder that “productivity” isn’t the only sign of success.