The Controller's Dirty Little Secret, Part 1
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- čas přidán 27. 08. 2024
- Eight Ways to Respond to a Controller’s Insecurities.
When a person acts consistently controlling, behind the scenes is a deep insecurity driven by fear and apprehension. Yet these people often operate with such a low level of self awareness that they cannot admit this obvious truth. Your task, as one who relates with the controller, is to keep your composure, not allowing the other to set your emotional pace.
Something to Think about:
1. Controllers fear being deemed unnecessary.
2. Rather than allowing for differing thoughts and perceptions, controllers must appear to have all the knowledge needed to live with balance.
3. Your ability to respond well to the controller is in direct proportion to your own awareness of your’s and the other’s emotional patterns.
Let’s Talk:
When you feel controlled by someone else how do you get drawn into that person’s dysfunction?
For more information: MarriagePath.com
I had a smart, calculating mouth back in my 20's. I was cruel and dominating. But my husband wouldn't feed into it. Sometimes he would even laugh in astonishment at what was coming out of my mouth. I'd always walk away in a huff, sit out by the pond and nature would calm me down. Somewhere along the line I started feeling like I wanted things to change. It took years to fully get a grasp of how insecure I was and surrendered to a higher power. "He" became my father and I "grew up" with love and wisdom and lovingly let go of my past. 30 years later my husband and I are still best friends.
That's an amazing testimony of what the holy spirit can do if you are willing.
You were just insecure,not a narcissist. not even religion can save narcissist,they often use it as a cover of piety.
@@sanctusignis9746 Sadly true as I had a cult leader and a friend of whom I thought both were very spiritual but they actually had no real grasp of God or the Holy Spirit it turned out. Both were just going through the motions so rhey could control others. It's like they wanted to be real but the demons were too strong and in the end they chose who they really wanted to serve and that was the god of this world not our Father through Jesus Christ.
Beautiful story. I can't help but wonder, though, what toll your healing journey took on your husband. It had to have an undermining impact, even if he was an evolved person, which he clearly had to have been, from your description.
@@m.j.2939 www.decisionmakingconfidence.com has alot of info on cult brainwashing and mind control. Also relationships with narcs are like a cult between 2 people,with the target of course being the follower and not leader. It's an awesome read to forward to friends who perhaps haven't seen the truth yet...
I'm sorry you went through that. Hope you're in a better place spiritually now.
I remember being bullied badly at school but was told I must have done something to deserve it , and it doesn't happen for no reason. For years I thought it must have been me . I must have been inadequate, years and years later I've connected the dots. I did not deserve to be bullied.
It's made me so protective of my children.
They seem to know exactly which buttons to push to draw you into an argument. I just refuse to go there because my words are never heard anyway.
They don't hear you because they don't respect you.
Thank you! Yes they make me feel like You can’t do enough to please them . They are very very covert manipulators.
'I feel as this person has stolen my identity, I'm not allowed to be me....'-so true and sad.... Thank you,Dr.C. for all what you doing for us, for your help
Nothing you do will change a narc. These strategies will wear you out. Just leave, save yourself from a lifetime of useless struggle.
Unfortunately some people have no choice but to continue dealing with a narc.
@@carlover84 Why? You always have a choice
@ Nicole K. You are right. If you are a young teen and your mom is a narc is one example. A person like that cannot live on the street! Currently I never talk to my mom, but I have money and other means to be independent.
pete t yes you are 200% Rigth Just live
@@veritasnunc8749 nothing is ever ever ever going to change with your mom. Mine too. I'm 57 and have been trying my whole life to conquer the narc. Give up its just not possible. Your mom will try and control you from her death bed. I'm sorry but I feel it'd be best to tell you the truth. I wish someone would have told me four decades ago when I was 17.
There are 1.9 thousand people getting smarter with this video. Amagine how many had suicidal thoughts. Amagine how many you saved. I say you saved at least 1,000.
God bless Dr.Les Carter 🙏🙏🙏
@@salonsavy6476 Mary blesses him too
Amen♥️
I came across this quote: You running around destroying people doesn't make you brilliant or them stupid, It makes you a psycho. Narc quotes.
Oh my gosh you are so right! I lost my identity after years of marriage! Your videos are so helpful!
can you change a controller, I say no. I was married 25 years to a controller. I broke free
God bless you for being one of the exposers of this. This is pervasive in our society to say the least.
I like this whole idea. I’ve been so saturated with the word narcissist. It’s time to rephrase that. I think that when I use the word narcissist or think about a narcissist, I feel like a victim. Right now it’s time to be proactive. Love you Dr. C
Wow! What a great vid. I will watch this several times. Seems controllers like to push you to your edge. My controller told me I had to go with her to a medical procedure I don't agree with.(botox) When I said I wouldn't go, she felt I was trying to control her. I felt great when I told her "You can do whatever you want with your life, but not with mine" Kudos for me!👍👍👍
I am so, so very happy to have found your channel. This is exactly what I need. It would be very useful for all schools to include social dynamics in conversation so that words can be used appropriately instead of destructively. What a marketable skill it is to talk, let yourself be heard and NOT mismanage other people in the process. (or to be mismanaged).
I see many people mention how this should be taught at school but I think the reason they don't dare to teach it is because some of the students will realise their parents are coercive and narcissistic
What’s laid out here is exactly right! Basic attitudinal security on the part of the recipient is essential! Wish I understood this years ago. I was such a dummy playing into the hands of my narcissist every single time! Better late than never. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for your voice of reason!
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you so much Dr. Les. So much to learn from all your videos 👍
Really appreciate your work...
Yep - controllers are Very insecure
Does a controller ever realize there’s a whole world out there, getting along just fine without their control. That’s not said as sarcasm, I real wonder.
Many times I get the feeling, 'I just can't be me' around some people. That they don't really
want to know me, but want me to be like them.
they try to talk over you , like they are trying to shut your mouth up cause they dont want to hear what you feel , they just dont care . mines done that to me for 20 years . now i understand why i repeat myself lol you are so spot on! they dont care about what you want or your dreams ! amen!! you cant speak your feelings or speak your truth you have to speak what they want to hear . when you tell them well thats what i feel , then in comes the guilt trip your such a jerk cause you dont feel what i feel says the narc or controller. wow oh and the world is for them everyone loves them lol in their mind . my relationship with my ex was so tiring i was so depressed and disillusioned, it was hard to see my relationship as it really was its hard to see the truth. i started seeing what was really going on i wanted to heal . that was 18 years ago now i am still healing ive got my peace of mind back . thank you so much you have reallychanged my life and how i now see things in my current marriage, its helping deal with his control issues . god bless you
Karla Reeves I became this way over the course of two years with my ex because she’d ignore me, lie, and do other questionable things to a point where I wouldn’t let her speak because she would just lie or insult my intelligence. It made me a person I didn’t want to be from anger. I had to get away from that. Sometimes I think people only want to blame and not self reflect . Not saying that’s your story because I know people that treat their wives like crap for no reason
I have found our silence emboldens the narcissist... you must attack back, if you just keep silent their attacks only get worse...
Raman D depends on how you do it... exposure is the key...
Nanny Tucker bull, you will never win,,, because the controller don't care how you feel. they care about controlling the situation.
I live with an unmarried narc sister 63 yrs. I hv had many problems with her .. she has no decency at all. I hv told her to leave me alone. No contact. She can't bear to be ignored.. but leaves me alone.
@Diva R I don't agree with some Narcs grey rock is the best with others you simply MUST stick up for yourself to survive.There is no one size fits all.Also depends on the situation what works best.I think we need wisdom and the power of the By Spirit to make these judgments.It should be noted that is is NOT wrong to stick up for ourselves when we are abused.It is our right as a child of God just as it would be if we were physically abused.We are not evil for protecting or saving ourselves!
Thank you Dr Carter, your videos are by far the most informative and useful ones I’ve seen on the subjects of manipulators, controllers, and narcissists. My humble 2 cents after 17 years in a marriage with all the above is that unless there’s any self awareness or intention to gain it on their part it is literally impossible to expect anything to change. Then all u can do is walk away, as hard as it might be, for your own sake. Its what I did, and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Dr. Carter, thank you for this video. I was at a really low point tonight after a two hour phone conversation with the narcissist in my life, yelling at me and throwing every insult he could at me. At first I defended myself, but as you pointed out, that doesn’t always work. Then I starting thinking what you might say to a controlling narcissist. So, I said, “I can appreciate your point of view. I can understand, from what you’re telling me, how that made you feel.” But, I was chastised and told I’m no psychiatrist and to shut up. I thought of your kind face, and your empathetic words of wisdom, and it kind of put a smile on my face while he was yelling at me. A level of peace filled my heart, that things will work out for the good. I was kind of shaken by this interaction, but I am strong and moving forward in a better, happier direction!
I think the answer is to create self-empowerment and being secure in who you are so that others' opinions aren't seen as being so powerful an indicator of who you are. Otherwise, when we are weak, we use our habitual defenses-which is to either control or to feel helpless.
When you try to tell your 75 yr old mother a situation that happened, and the first words out of her mouth is almost always "you should" or "should've"!!!
Jennifer Durocher Every single time I tell mine anything. Lol. She is 71.
you 'should've' is way worse than 'you should'. the latter is possibly good advice, but the former is "get a time machine and..." that's not ever good advice. or advice at all. by grammatical function it's unhelpful.
This is one of my pet peeves with controllers. I have several in my family and no matter what I say it's always you should of done this or that. I could write a book on my experiences with this.
you should! you should've! lol!
You'll miss having that advice from her one day
Yes, the calm in your voice is SO important!
I learned to run fast.
Correct.This is the only answer.
I learned too late.
Blue Bird being there done that 😂😂😂still running
I am captured and live in captivity.
Lol 🤣🖖🌠
Sir,I hear you loud and clear!Appreciate all of your counsel.
I see it all the time, cause as an empath it is easy to feel their feelings, but that insecurity we see, is what we try to heal.
Yes, and that is the trap.
What the heck.. How can anyone try to empathize with a narc /controller?!
That is an ultimate set up/ trap!
So you are enabeling them with real nice supply..feeding that poor hungry cruel ego to come up again...and then someone has to suffer...
YOU cannot heal a controller! Your nice empath self has gotten caught up in an ego trap. DO NOT think you can heal a controller; you can’t. I’m an empath too, and my mother was the controller. There’s a very long story there I won’t go into, but please learn this, Malusa-you can help them a little, but the healing is a far bigger job than you can do. It also takes the controller wanting to change (good luck with that!), by first admitting to themselves that that’s what’s going on: they control because they’re dreadfully insecure, and controlling everything and everyone around them is the only way they’ll feel safe. Plus, it never works long-term. Life always throws new, uncontrollable monkey wrenches at the controller. They have to get to the core of their insecurity. They probably need a good counselor to help heal those emotional wounds.
Why on earth would you want to "heal" a sick person who is abusing you?
Are you sure you are not sick yourself . . .?
My question is how do you maintain control of emotions when the controlling person doesn’t get his way and says “you are stupid and mean.” It’s difficult to not be defensive.
If honest, self-aware communication doesn't work, you may want to sever ties. It hurts at first, but you could become a stronger person as a result. Why stay with that person who will continually batter you? Self-respect is key.
*Dirty Little Secrets of the Controller*
1. Fearful/Insecure/Inadequate/Wobbly - 1:39
*Take Control of Yourself*
1. Operate with an Aware Mind - 3:52
2. Dont Get Pulled into Their Game - 5:20
3. Use Your Self Restraint as a Positioning of Influence in that Persons Life - 6:58
4. When Confronted in a Forceful Way, Demonstrate Willingness to Understand - 7:54
5. Set Stipulation/Boundary - 9:00
*The Key to Understand* - 9:52
Excellent points to remember😊
I'm feeling better and better living alone!!!!
That's control! 😂
Hello I'm female from Australia and I'm learning a lot and learning to heal. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of narcs , my father is in his 80's my mother has learned to live with it, but she is frail now.My fathers arguments are getting more obvious and irratoinal. It's torn our family apart. I learned a whole new way through books and my faith as to how to bring up my children. They are now in their 20's. Wasn't easy as a somehow married a narc which in dismay I had no idea. But I devoted my married life with children to be honourable and just, and guide them, with kindness the best I could, with Jesus as my teacher. Amen
This is the best, most kind, and Christian ideal advice. Many thanks. Not all of us can take on the calling to mentor troubled people as this in a continuing relationship, especially since we also need reciprocal friendship ourselves. Maybe one controller to work on for us common folk is enough work in life. It is exhausting and can affect our health, sleep, blood pressure.
David Postma My health has been affected by a narc - losing sleep nightly, constant worry, etc. etc. due to situation. I am just discovering myself to be a victim of a narc son and that I am an empath and an easy target. I am studying hard on this to find the best way to end the abuse. Fortunately we live in different states, so I don’t see him much, just lots of emails, calls, etc. everything I am hearing and reading on the subject describes my situation perfectly. Now to find the best way to stop it all. I am determined and will follow through once I study the best way to do it. So thankful for these videos.
Glenda Correll . One common failure the good folks are guilty of is the failure to realize that the Narc lives in an alternate reality. There is no abiding principle nor ethic where they possess their life. This lack of principle is how I realized my mother had the problem. I must see myself and others who suffer harm and upset from these disturbed and broken people as worthy to have a good life without needless damage. I have had to withdraw from my mother for self preservation.
I have been “thrown under the bus” too many times by a Mom who would desire to destroy me to elevate her sense of superiority. My new response is “No more!” Whatever it takes. No more. Sentiment for sick and harmful relatives must go on the altar of sacrifice for now.
Everyone likes to feel that they are in control, but we all learn to compromise
Deal with the narcissist by leaving asap. Took me 15 years, married 13 this coming month 😵. 5 months no contact still feels like yesterday.
I think your videos are going to be life changing for me. Thank you. Thank you, thank you!
Every video Dr. Carter... every video...
Wife... You don’t make me feel loved
You don’t make me feel cared for
You don’t make me feel valuable
You don’t make me feel etc....
Me... I cannot make you feel anything... I can however try to meet your needs as best as possible....
Wife... you don’t even meet my needs a majority of the time
Me.... what do you need at this moment????
Wife... it doesn’t count if I have to tell you...
Me... 🤯
You are valuable dear sir. Never forget that...
Coming in contact with this kind of people leads us to huge regrets for life. We just pray to GOD that keep these kind of people away from us.
They also have SECRET addictions. They’ll tell they’re a private person when what they are really saying is IVE GOT A LOT OF SECRETS and you’ll never know where I really am. They also feel extremely uncomfortable around ppl like me. I’ve been in years of incest recovery and I am an open book. They can’t stand ppl like me because I expose everything to the point they just want to get away from me and I just go ghost. I’m done with this POS.
They dont tell you where they are at in life or what their plans are because it leaves all of their options open to change at the drop of a hat depending on what controlling opportunities come their way...keep them in the dark about your hopes dreams goals plans.
Best way to deal with them is give them no information about your plans.. Just talk about things that dont really affect you.. Weather / store sales /ect
I like your suggestion. What if it's your spouse and you both are making money and he wants to take charge of the money. how much should you ask for yourself> and how?
CalmStrongKind I would never let that happen ! Not ever !
CalmStrongKind ... I inherited money from my parents’ estate upon their passing away. It was split 50/50 between my brother & I. After 25 years of a sometime rocky marriage, I chose to NOT NOT... to co- mingle that money.
He was surprised to learn it, but GOT it.
Keep what you can... open up your own account & add to it whenever possible.
Call it your Cmas fund, mad money, vacation, or large expenses for home.
Just do it.
This has brought me so much peace and insight. Thank you
Thank you for this I’ve been praying for a way to deal with my narcissistic husband for awhile n this is very helpful. I’m emotionally detaching from him so I can stay sane but this helps bunches. Also when he’s screaming st me as he does every weekend now I’m walking away from him. I don’t have to put up with that from anybody even if it’s my spouse. Thank you again Dr. Carter
When he screams at you leave.Go for ice cream or to the lake or to the library You have the right to protect yourself emotionally.
For me controler our EMPTY VOID and INSECURE for sure. All your video are so amazing and helpful God bless you.
you are amazing, diplomatic to the point and full of on q relevance. thank You for helping me find me again .How to respond and set boundaries and stipulations with dignity and integrity.Thank You so Much.
When Dr Wayne Dyer passed away I thought I would never have another mentor but moi was wrong , Thank U Dr C !
This is spot on! Thank you doctor! I've learned a great deal of this as a community counselor. Very valuable words you speak!!
It's interesting when we get to a place in a relationship where all the control and disrespect that had previously been "under our radar" suddenly becomes exposed and evident. With this new knowledge, we can then take the appropriate steps to set healthy boundaries. I recently told a controlling, insensitive friend (who's disrespect & callousness I finally realized were increasing) that I needed some space from the insensitivity. She had often expressed that she knew she was insensitive and hurt people and that's just how she was. It felt so healthy and freeing to simply agree with her assessment of herself and choose to take space and put distance between us. Staying healthy takes strength and commitment, but it's worth it.
What do you do when the more calm you are the more angry they get? Thank you very much for sharing.
Serene Artist actually controller in most cases is calm or even cold as ice...
Seb Sebsky Thank you. Yes, I had seen that icy calm, but the person I used to deal with was someone I once stood up to and argued back. Once I stopped and saw it was non productive on my part I tried reasoning politely, but the other person went into a total rage at my attempt to not get angry. If I gave in, I was wrong, if I didn’t I was still a bad person. It’s an issue in my past now, but at one time it drove me to questioning my own sanity. I can’t even explain it to you because it was so utterly brain numbing. I was only 16 at the time and now two years later I’m still feared of becoming like the person who behaved like that. Is it genetic? I’m hoping not.
Seb Sebsky. Yes!!
So very true and sad. 😓
Serene, no it's not genetic. You were most likely dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists are not born that way, they are made that way either through parents who utterly spoiled them, putting them on a pedestal, or because of early emotional needs not been met in early childhood, abuse, physical or emotional - cold parenting etc. Narcs often get more upset the calmer you are. THEY feel that you are not giving them what they need: drama. They NEED that attention albeit negative. It makes them feel alive. YOU will never matter, ever. It is always about...them. Glad it's behind you.
Serene Artist the person you were dealing with was probably a malignant narcissist.
I recently realized I am more controlling and it is because of fears and insecurities. As I have been trying to not push these feelings on other people I have instead become avoidant in these moments. I’m trying hard to find a middle ground where I meet my own needs first, ask for what I need, explain what I want, and compromise in all of it. But I’m not really sure how to do that.
Thanks for these comments. Self awareness is the beginning of change. The question of how to change is too large to answer here, but the best tool you can carry with you is an inquisitive mind. Stay on top of podcasts, books, counseling etc. I suspect your efforts will pay off!
One of the first books I read was The Power of Positive Thinking. I was so negative and over powering that everyone was miserable. Alanon is very good too. Learned so much about myself. That I was a good person, just wasn't given the right information growing up.
@niecersYou will never know peace with a narc. Ooops, time for a toddler rage.
How do you handle a controlling person who uses every trick to get you all wound up then they try to convince you that you are being controlling?
Thank you both - really good!
Avoid getting wound up...
It starts with "credibility"... Know that whatever "the controller" says, it's purely to hurt you, to "get a rise"... It means NOTHING.
Take the time to think, BEFORE you engage. If there's a reasonable response, then you can respond... REASONABLY. If you can't think of something less than barbarically morbid and disgusting to say, it's probably best to maintain poise and quiet.
Remember, they don't matter... At least, they don't HAVE TO.
Practice that much, and then occasionally employ those annoying "passive aggressive" tactics we're always hearing about. Ask things like "What the hell do you care? You're just going to do whatever you want anyway..." and BE dismissive.
The controller will eventually realize they have no means to control you. DO NOT let them influence you... shrug it off. Sooner or later, there's bound to be "lower hanging fruit" to pick on.
Just like with the vid'... Stipulate. "I can engage in conversation, but I do not tolerate liars and insults." Employ the "lines in the sand" and don't let someone walk over them. When they do that, disengage... drop them like a bad habit.
Learn to say, "Nope." ;o)
Grace Sage run!
Exactly what Dr Les is telling you here.
Use his technique until you have a safe escape plan in place because narcs never change. In my own experience they get worse with age.
@Kathleen Campbell
And whatever they accuse you of doing is something they are doing or thinking of doing.
Narcissist are good at playing the guilt trip card. Which makes you question if you're decision to leave is, even the right one
When I stand up for myself, my sister automatically will assume that I am drinking. I have been sober for almost four years mind you. She is in her 70s and I am in my 50s so we are not kids.
Sorry to hear that. Sounds typical for a narcissist, though, to use your past mistakes as a means of dismissal in the present. Don't take the bait. Best of luck!
What a b. Be proud of yourself.
Next time she say that to you and you obviously know you didn't. Why should you participate? It's so clear she is pushing your button. Perhaps you need to prepare if you need to answer her? Just an example what I would do. Just walk away. Don't worry what she thinks. She is not listening to your whatever answer. She need some sound from you to take the next step. They can't function without a reason. My ex would ask which color I like to paint the wall. When I say green. She tells me she hates it. Then why ask? She don't care what I like just something to throw back at me. Hahaha get the idea
Rikavari my mother and my sister do that too. I've learned to laugh and say that I don't have a problem with alcohol, I have a problem with people who behave like assholes. LOL!
@@ladymaiden2308 hahahaha I would have done the same. Lol
Yes.....This was my Dad and once I put the “Brakes” on by stopping all communications it made him even angrier which drove him to start talking about me to family members he was diagnosed with cancer and I decided to go see him with my boundaries set and he agreed but it felt good to finally stand up to him at 34 years old
“Emotionally Sober Up” brilliant term.
I had 13.yrs of.hell.from my ex. I've fought for 40.yrs.since,.and now it's making sense.
Excellent guidance not only about the controller in your life (believe mine to have been a covert narcissist) but also how to be more self aware of your own insecurities. Thanks Dr C. Legendary stuff.
When You Pray for that person's Salvation....that's when Their demons go hey wire. Just keep Praying for them. The Devil will come out of them eventually. Stay vigilant
Every time I pray his secrets come out
I agree. Even though many in the psychology field do not get 'prayer' it is a way to make mountains move and great changes happen. Having said that, be aware that the demons get even stronger, thus more vigilant prayer is needed. It is truly a spiritual problem solved with prayer. Prayer works through energy and that energy can heal. Do also be aware that this 'demon' is bigger and stronger than we are so prayer from a group is even more effective.
Prayer worked for me. Never give up.
Nola Susan: Psychologists believe in God for the most part. Physicians do also. I am a physician and most feel they are helping God's people Putting down science is putting down one of God's great creations, science. God bless you and remember Luke in the Bible was a physician.
Emelia Bailey, It’s wise and helpful to first ask the person, “May we pray for you?”, that statement helps them to be receptive and not feel invaded. It helps put mind and body connected.
why do they try to pull your strings by saying something to keep you upset? I think my ex tryed to keep me upset to keep me off balance to see what he was really doing, so something I did to him I started treating him like he was 10 year old boy . he acted like one
Thank you Dr.C for this.
You just don't know how you have impacted my situation.
I so wish I had known about you years ago Dr. C! I'm currently reading your book "Putting the past behind".... and the truths in it are awakening!
It makes sense now. They try to make me live my life in accordance to their expectations in order to make them feel stable (which is their insecurity and not my responsibility)
Everything you are talking here is what. I need. you are wonderful , thanks.
thank you for all your info! I just found your page tonight , I am looking into getting your books . thank you so much I was starting to feel i was going nuts .
Usually I remain calm and centered because I've spent my life working with horses. With my stallion especially, things can spiral out of control in a split second if I can't even manage myself. It's hard to explain, but the calm has to come from your center or the horse will perceive that it's not legitimate. If you must deal with a narcissist you need to bring that same deep inner quiet and certainty into play.
I’ve learned that they get off on your losing control. Don’t spar with them, it throws them off.
@@momgrandma5496 They thrive on getting you to react and you've lost the moment you do. They don't know how to deal with a genuine quiet and balanced centeredness.
Wow...what a concept....i want you to make me happy and feel good!
I just had a very pushy woman at church try to coerced me into joining her musical choir. At first I caved but then I told her that I just wasn’t gonna do it.
What upsets me is that you know Someone, or something is controlling you? But they keep lying as if they're not .
I have a 93 year-old narcissist mother who manipulated /allowed my Brother, her eldest son to become her caretaker as he worked a full-time job, so much so he neglected his own well being, (talk about "caring for you is killing me") and now he's fighting for his life after suffering a severe stroke. She's attempting to guilt me into careing for her as his replacement. Though she is clearly grieving over something can only wonder if her grieving is for herself not having a fulltime live-in caretaker, which exposes her to being shipped from one sisters house to the other (as she can't be alone) both of whom she doesn't like and vice a versa. Causing her to feel uncomfortable and un-welcomed. The salutiom being my uprooting from a different state to become her new live in caretaker she now becomes extremely agitated by my hesitancy to sign on.
I witness my brother being used-up I even sound the alarm warning him of which came to be, his hospitalization.
all good points and so appreciate your vids.
just wanna say, it gets really old, and tiring, to be in a relationship where everything you do has to be pre run thru the little "psychiatrist w/in your own brain" on how to have a conversation or relationship w/these critters.
Yes is true! When I said “let’s talk together with a counselor cause seems we don’t understand each other and we have frustrations- defensive etc”
Oh well, I got an angry message back and got blocked. When I tried to explain in an email what and why, I got a complete different subject (blame shifting). Exhausting, unfortunately I got caught up in her game, so I reacted along with defensive and emotions but this was after trying to make sense kept my calm and trying to keep the conversation about the subject I was talking about and not about she was talking about (because she wanted to show like she wrote “you aren’t a saint either” ) she never said anything about the issue/subject about today, but instead took all out of the closet (past) to show me I am not a saint 😕 It doesn’t work, you cannot talk common sense with these individuals, it only gives you negative emotions so you react like they want, they don’t want to solve anything they want to throw all to you so they don’t have to look at themselves and the issue of today because that means is taking responsibility for own behavior.
This is spot on.
Yes
Totally agree.
This is so good. My narc husband has always been controlling. I have grown and now I hold my husband to this standard. As a single man he gets to make decisions on his own. If he wants to be married to me,….decisions will be done as a respectful partnership. We will either agree, compromise, or agree to disagree respectfully.
This guy understands narcissism really well. He describes the sickness really well and yes, I describe it as an incurable sickness.
That's why I end up feeling sorry for them, I know a lot of it is insecurity
I agree! And I hate what my life has become! Right now I am trying to enable my self to be strong get Me back that got lost along Thor way! As an empath I want to thank you to opening my eyes!
I am not a therapist but I found the best way for me is not to argue keep my identity and just do what I think is right. Especially when I know I'm right. I don't live in emotion just facts. My truth does not have to be their truth.
OMG what very good information. I always wondered what in the world is going on and why are they like this!!!!
My 28 year old daughter from a previous marriage died on July 4, 2022. I have been in a very dark place since July 4. I asked my walking dead zombie narcissistic husband why he never tries to comfort me or why he doesn't ask me if I'm okay. He said, "I decided to let you handle your grief on your own."
What about Narcissistic people? How do you propose handling them because they are a special kind of controlling individual; be they a parent, sibling, co-worker, Boss, spouse, etc. They range from engaging in bullying behaviors, to blaming others, to playing the victim role, to being passive-aggressive, etc. to being outright emotionally, physically, verbally abusive ( or any combination of the above) while often being pathological liars about almost everything including the most ridiculous things, just to be provocative. Thanks.
After 40 years of marriage and his affair he says to me stay out of my business. How do I handle this? Talking to him is always a question answer period leaving me upset and alone.
Enough disrespect.. Hire a lawyer with narc experience and leave quietly
Lol.
When they call you Stupid, perhaps it’s time to leave them with their problems. Leave the relationship, period
They can wear you down, or else they will cheat to get you back.
Let's just say that the deeper a person goes into the controlling pattern, the more they demonstrate narcissistic traits, making the relationship more and more difficult to maintain. I understand your sentiments.
I really appreciate the nuanced unpacking of this topic.
Thank you Dr.Les 😊
Questions ( as requested):
What do you recommend for dealing with a Narcissistic spouse when they make verbal threats ( ie. abandonment, stop paying the bills, withhold sex, divorce, etc.) as a way to control the conversation and attempt to control the spouse?
How does one deal with the hypocrisy of a Narcissist spouse when they demand complete control over their own life (even when it impacts their family), but expect you to do whatever they decide you should be doing?
Sounds like he will eventually divorce you, so you file for divorce and be the ‘plaintiff’, you will never win being the ‘defendant’. Get the most expensive lawyer you can afford, call in monetary favors if you have to. The judicial system is tainted but you will need the upper hand. Lastly, don’t get married again.
I am so weary of getting the life sucked out of me. MORE strategies please on self defense and self preservation!
Thank you, Dr. C.
Anyone who hasn't been in the sites of a narcissist will just never really get it. I'm so glad to have lived long enough after being a victim of a narcissist, actually several of them to come to this place of clarity that I'm experiencing now. That kind of clarity just doesn't come easy. It's the nature of the narcissist to use their skills to keep their victim in confusion and hang onto their supply. They are sad individuals, but pity for them isn't even worthwhile, meaning it doesn't really benefit them, but it helps us victims to keep our humanity.
It's sad that we live in a world where decent people have to go to such lengths as to keep themselves safe from such negativity.
Love you Les. Nice to know that there is. ‘Guy’ who gets all this. ❤️❤️❤️
I have done that. Tried to explain once if I could get it out before he interrupts. Then if I can talk & he disagrees, I just say believe what you want but my mind knows what it knows.
I feel like I need to pay for this knowledge.
then you ate still with a controller?
So true...to simply try and talk to my father in a calm voice and ask him not to do the mean controlling things would only ratchet him up...and to hear from one of his neighbors before he passed away, that he on purpose did things as calling 20 times a day and calling when he would know I was doing something special because "I KNOW IT GETS ME ALL IN ASKEW" was such a sad day for me. To admit it and boast about it was so mind-boggling and will always be, even with him gone now. He followed the exact pattern that his evil mother did while she was alive and wreaking havoc!
What do you do when the narcissist is your daughter and your grandchildren’s well being is involved. The reason why I give in is for them.
Dr. you are on point. Thank you for your help. You provide me with such comfort in understanding the difficult one in my life.
Drop that person asap. Dont bother trying to understand anything. Leave them behind and go live a fulfilling life, your time and life is valuable. Dont waste it on these pieces of garbage. Learn to let go, or blame no one but yourself.
You are wonderful thank you for your help
1. Aware mind (controllers had something in the Past, that they couldn't speak with normal tone)
They learned not to trust themeslves
2. Don't get pulled in their game
I feel no need to defend of this person
3. Use restraint for your own leadership and influence in that person's life
!!! DEMOnstrate a willingness to understand them (they don't expect It). Be calm.
3. Set Stipulation and boundaries
4.
This is really helpful! Thank you so much, Dr. Carter.
Please make a video on "How to divorce a physically abusive Narcissist" Secretly? Steps to a new life
There is so much focus on identifying the narcissist, escaping from him/her, avoiding, etc. - how do we know if WE are narcissists? It's easy to point fingers, but I'm sure I have hurt people in my life - in fact, I'm sure I've hurt the narcissist in my life. How do I know if I'm not also a narcissist?
My ex friend insulted and bossed me around for 3 hours returning from holiday...and now she doesn't understand why we are no longer friends...!!?? Is she really that oblivious.??!!!
Yes, she is.