I work in an extremely toxic environment with lot of narcissists. I am aware of the never ending smear campaigns about me, but no one says anything to me. It's just evident in their passive aggressive behaviors such as shunning me, sabotaging my work, conversations that cease when I approach. Coworkers are simply coworkers and nothing more. I have no friends there. It is unfortunate that those at the top are also toxic and encourage this egregious behavior. I go to work to work, not make friends, nor join a clique of bullies. My friends are genuine, caring human beings. Otherwise, they would not be my friends.
Some people I used to work with were gossiping about me and another coworker- so I went individual by individual and said "Hi, so someone told me you said such-and-such about me and this other person so I wanted to see if that was true and answer any questions you may have." Each person turned white as a ghost and had nothing to say or ask me but it felt good to get some control back over my own narrative in a way that didn't equate to me gossiping back.
I always say their life must be so pathetic and boring to talk about me. I mean, I was homeless living out of my car. How more pathetic can that be You have to add some excitement to their Miserable life Although if you're gonna be homeless at least I was homeless in a I muststang g t v8 paid in full 😂
As my grandfather always said--"If you can't go first class don't go at all." I'd say that Mustang was first class! Experiences such as being homeless can make people bitter--or better. I don't hear any bitterness from you at all. :)
@@TheWizardOfWords no bitterness Just a lesson. What can I do to avoid the situation and avoid the people and my actions not to be so impulsive, and to think first I always try to look at the best in the situation. I know there are people who have a worse than I am but I've learned. I found you and things life actually is getting better. I may not be rich. I may be 1 day. Appreciate everything and your lessons. And they make me laugh in a good way.
It’s so crazy to believe that bullying goes away after high school, but sometimes workplace bullying can be WORSE than bullying in high school because it can impact your livelihood. 🤯 It makes it worse if MANAGEMENT is involved in the foolishness as well. Your advice is spot-on, especially holding people to a higher standard.
If someone is 'telling' you what someone else said, they are NOT your friend. Learned that valuable lesson when I was a child. Cannot trust that person ever.
Same. I joined a Facebook group for a few laughs and fun but I was bullied by a group of people and I didn’t have people to help me. I met a few funny people I’m close to but I don’t have a group I could call upon at my disposal like them. I had to go 1 vs 10 😆
Part of the reason I got bullied at work is because I wouldn't take part in the gossiping. There was a whole clique of them in the back every day that would just gossip about everyone. If you weren't part of the gossip train, you were out.
I noticed that a lot of people especially women bond through gossiping about other people. 99% of what women talk about is other people. I work in a salon and try hard not to gossip so like you, I end up the focus of some of this because I dont fit in.
I can't resist stating that groups of men are equal to what you describe for women. Men definitely bond by gossiping and competitive bad-mouthing about what they did on the jobsite or what time they arrived to work. This has been witnessed on 3 jobs all in the midwest and also I house-shared and they did it at the end of the day too.
I wanted to join one of these groups as a kid in middle school because i didn't want to be alone. Definitely learned my lesson and I never take part in gossip even though if it comes at the cost of being isolated.
I knew somebody who I told something in confidence, and she agreed not to tell anybody. The next time I saw her, she said, “You need to know that a whole lot of people are very angry with you right now, a whole lot of people!! I asked her why?!?! She said it was because of what I said to her. I said, “But you’re the only one that I told!! She had a “deer in the headlights” look. 😳🙄
"Holding people to a higher standard" is actually a really great point and a gentler approach to this. I'll definitely be utilising this! Thanks! I caught myself gossiping about someone leaving the company yesterday. A colleague said: "I'm not going to speculate on xxx". I actually respect that colleague quite a lot and it was a great way to guide the conversation elsewhere. Just thought I'd share my mistake so others might learn, and yes, you are correct Dan. I'm not happy in my current role and seeking other employment. I'll try and not allow the negativity cloud me in my final weeks here.
I once worked with a guy who was an actual diagnosed overt narcissist. Once and only once , he said to me “ So & so(name omitted) was talking about you a lot this morning. I think she is jealous of you “. To which I responded without skipping a beat “ I am so flattered anyone would waste their time and energy on little old me. I feel special. Thanks for sharing.” I just remember the look of shock and disappointment on his face. The only retort he had was “ huh” . I know he was expecting me to bite the bait and you could tell it didn’t go that way for him. I denied his feed. He never used that approach with me again.
My colleagues don't gossip with me, as I am rigidly not open for that.Howver, they do gossip about me. That's even worse. As you find out through your manager.
Mmm you can be busy but in my experience they can be a big part of why you are busier than you should. They can still sabotage you and will keep extending the goal posts.
I have this going on amongst my own family members. It has trickled down from my 98 year old grandma who is never happy with what anyone does. She will target one person who is going to a hard time and talk about them. I actually opted out of thanksgiving with them after i recently heard them bad mouthing my paranoid schizophrenic Aunt.
I am so fascinated with your channel ! I was bullied at work years back and wish I found your channel then, the elephant in my office has now left that goodness. I remember a time when I walked into a conversation with 2 co-workers and when I approached they stopped talking, my immediate response was "oh, who are you talking about now? "and laughed, they immediately stopped their conversation and went the separate ways ..... I'm not sure if I handled that correctly but the words just came out ! I'm not good at thinking before I speak at times LOL thank you for sharing all your amazing techniques !
haha--they might have taken your comment as accusatory, Cinderelli--but it's in the past so no big deal. Next time, just sit within hearing range and pick up your phone and research something--without saying a word :)
thank you so much Dan, yes ! I kind of knew I didn't handle it correctly after watching your channel, I have been known to react too quickly .... but in my refence they don't gossip around me anymore which I am thankful for, I didnt realize what I said until I said it without thinking ... I totally honor your channel, thank you so much for your kind reply, you have no idea how many of us you have touched us all , god bless you Dan ! xoxox It is so sad that adults are trying to "so called" prevent bullying in schools when they can't even prevent them in our work place @@TheWizardOfWords
It's not easy for us girls at the work place, I wore a pair of cool high heeled shoes at work and one of my co-workers said "omg who buys those" ! this co-worker which is a real estate agent looks like she was dressed to clean our her garage, my reaction was "you have fun with fashion"
I’ve been watching your videos for a while . I have been the outcast at certain jobs in healthcare and I’ve tried taking the high ground and mind my business but people antagonize me and I end up quitting because I have this rage inside from being hurt . I mind my own business but the toxicity had been too much . Everything I learned in the videos go right out the window and I end up flustered
Kta-- the reason you practice what you want to say when you are not emotionally charged is so that it will come out of you the way you wish, when you ARE emotionally charged.
I come from an abusive household and found, thru doing the work on my heart and mind, that these things trigger me in a way that they don't trigger others. Learning to be safe at work is two-fold for me. I have had therapy and then learned how to communicate properly. I used to try to compartmentalize those aspects of my life but I made strides when I realized I am still a human being at work and I am going to go home wounded and let it ruin my life. I'm here today because someone was very unkind to me at work. These days, I have better tools and MUST reach out for them when I get hurt at work. My perspective is better but yes, the meanies are still just mean and awful and some days it just plain hurts to be treated this way.
I once worked in a very toxic environment, where my boss had a clique of mean, pushy, gossiping minions - they were the new, young ones, and the older, more skilled ones I was part of, were horribly bullied. One time they succeeded in sending me to the boss's office for The Talk... as it was about trivial things (and most importantly, lies) I wasn't worried because I knew no one could circumstantiate the accusations. The day of, I went to a patisserie and bought a big tray of sweets. When I came out of the boss's office I went straight to the kitchen (where the witches were waiting and gloating 😂) with a big smile on my face, I put the tray on the table and said "let's celebrate!" Someone laughed with me, someone ate sour-tasting sweets... it never happened again
You bet they are. And they never tell you off, gossip about you or betray you. They are loyal and always happy to see you and be part of your life. Humans could take a page or two from a dog's playbook.
I'm trying to apply the things I've learned here. My failures in accomplishment is my fault for not being experienced in doing these sorts of things, but last night, I applied some of this person's teachings and it actually worked. This channel is gold. Thank you. I would also like to share, the last time anyone ever came to me as a target of gossip (that I can remember) was over two decades ago. "Bryan, I've been hearing a rumor.." "Just one? That's disappointing; I started at least twelve..." Really threw the guy off. (No I don't start rumors but I also didn't want to be invited into the game so that was a free ticket for exclusion from his circles that I gladly ripped and stowed.)
I worked with a coworker who would talk about other people to me. Demeaning things. Then he started to suggest to me ( when other coworkers were standing around), ways I could be more "efficient". This was in healthcare, where I had a good 30 years of experience over him. Then he started to question me in front of my other coworkers and even patients. He didn't like me for whatever reason. He was toxic. Although upsetting, I remained (outwardly) unaffected by his bullying. I admit, I did not report him as he had much clout and involvement in the union where we worked.
Cat, I think you were wise not to report him. These types of interactions have to be handled between and among the people involved. I hope I can help people navigate these difficult waters by giving them tools for making certain people don't cross their boundaries.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you for your response. Yes, I believe he would have turned the tables on me if I had reported him. Fortunately, I was able to retire 'early' (almost 40 years there), due to overall burn out. His bullying was one of many motivators for me to end my career.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for ALL you do. Your work is SO important as there is much hostility going on anymore and we need to learn how to respond respectively. Maybe if more people watched your videos, this would be a less hostile world.
A huge thank you to you. I wish I had seen your video one month ago, when I quit the toxic workplace. I had been working very hard, was exhausted, and day 5 of exhaustion at work from the haters, I broke down and cried. I was too tired to deal with their shit. The next week, I told them that the bullying is unacceptable, that I will not tolerate it, but I handed in my notice the next day. Those idiots don't deserve me in their presence... Thank goodness I have savings...
I’m strong, resilient, solution focused, sociable, really interested in my job. My experience of workplace bullying has been shocking- brutal- and escalating due to lack of reaction-
Oh you are so wonderful. Here's my situation. After showing dogs for 40 years and being successful breeding and showing my own dogs, I have a bully. She has been given a dog by someone who is very jealous of my success and because of personal issues I haven't been out in competition. She has gained momentum she has been winning at local shows. She has had free rein for almost 2 years. When I show up once in a while and beat her she gets very angry and loudly proclaims that the judging was terrible and that my dog did not show well (so what!) that is not how judging works - it is about the structure of the dog, or it should be.... Then when We go to the big shows on the east coast in October and my homebred dog makes the finals every day and her dog did not. She was really angry. She sat outside the ring at the National Specialty (as big as it gets) and says "I can't believe that dog is awarded a ribbon, He is AWFUL!", or "I HATE that dog". She has said judging is terrible when I win. All of these things are being witnessed by other competitors. I am well liked and well respected by virtue of my accomplishments. When called out by one of my friends who told her she should not be talking like that ringside (it's basic dog show etiquette not to do this), her reply was "I can talk anyway I like!'. So, I don't want to go shows much anymore. I am alone and she has her little group with her. I will listen to this video again and again. I hate conflict. I recently divorced at age 71 after having been in an abusive relationship for 50 years. Now I realize that was also partially because I did not set boundaries. Instead in my marriage just kept trying harder and the more I tried, the less he did. Finally, I had enough and divorced the jerk. This feels all too familiar. I understand this is about setting boundaries but 73 years of being demeaned when I tried means I am 73 years behind where I should be. I am anxious to learn. But, right now I want to get back to doing what I love and that is showing my dogs. I need to be prepared for the next insult. BTW, AKC has rules about sportsmanship that she could be suspended for violating by virtue of her behavior. In October a lot of people witnessed her behavior. But, really, that's not the problem. I am not able to stand up to her. I do not know how. Going to read the rule book and then come back and watch this one again. Thank you so much for your help. Sorry this is so long.
Norwich, please go to my channels and watch more videos on this topic, or consider investing in yourself and our comunication skills by going to danoconnortraining.com and purchasing Step Out of the Shadows and Speak.
I’m so sorry all of this has happened to you. I have faith you can get the skills to shut this all down. As women. We tend to keep our mouths shut and this can be a mistake. Boundaries are a lifelong lesson. ❤
Wishing you the very best with ALL of this!! Sometimes we can feel we're missing pieces of a jigsaw - skills & capacities we've been without or (for whatever reason) not developed. I see in your comment so much warmth, gentleness & a lot of strength. I hope you're finding a way to stay the course & assert yourself, doing something you excel at and love. Much respect for your kind heart, courage & resilience from the other side of the planet 🌏🦘
In my experience at the workplace, ppl that are passive aggressive gossips the most. They are also the most miserable ones. I really do not have the energy to deal with every gossiper at the workplace. I do recommend that your work performance speaks for you. You truly have to pick and choose your battles at work. There is a difference when ppl gossip about you vs when ppl bully you. I am assertive at the workplace where I set the tone that you will not bully me. You can gossip about me all day though because I don't care.
Touching is absolutely not allowed in my corporation. It is how the person “believes” the touch was meant and not the motivation of the giver. It is immediately a harassment charge.
Yes I think we have to be careful now bc it's not always a comfort to every single person. For those who's love language is touch it'll be effective, and the sentiment is like giving a mini hug to someone when delivering bad news. However esp for ppl in workplace where it doesn't signify kindness but rather creepiness, we have to know our audience. Also, maybe another way is to reach out to them and tap the desk close to them kindly/gently to signify wanting to reach out but not wanting to make them uncomfortable. My manager did this before. I was going through a ground breaking situation and he wanted to make sure I didn't withdraw and to tell me he'll help me out.. he reached out quickly to prevent me from getting up from the table (just me and him) in food court in order to say that he'll help me and then caught himself so he ended up reaching in the air in front and clasping the air. I think he wanted to grab my hands or something - not in a bad way but just to signify 'its alright'. It really surprised me bc I didn't know he would do that for me but it felt genuine and kind to me. We had multiple convos after that but he made clear that it wasn't creepy bc he would say 'some people think bc I am a guy and you are a girl that there is a thing going on', and I told him I would never confuse professionalism with ulterior motives and that I didn't have any. That was his convo to me to show me that it wasn't about that. So I felt safe after that. And no he never made me feel uncomfortable and didn't (need to) use professional touch. In any way, a diffusing type of communication which can diffuse difficult conversation is important, and this video is showing us good techniques to use. So another I would say to consider is short convos to clarify no ulterior motives similar to what my manager did for me. It's not always that you communicate you're not creepy it's also to direct a convos to see what the other person thinks of whether the situation is comfortable/creepy -- then have a full convos around that. That's really important! For sensitive topics as you said, OP, er need to understand how it's received in addition to the motivation bc in workplace cases it's how it's received. P.S.: FYI: After 1 year he also got bullied by the company partners and same with me. He did end up telling my story to the partner who was livid and came out of the meeting saying if he knew he wouldn't have hired me 😢...well so much for confidentiality. I never wanted to share and kept work and life separate, bc I knew this would happen. It was very devastating and caused me a lot of stress at that workplace. I was very helpless bc my manager had his own views and took my story to share to try and get ppl to understand me. Confidentiality is a different matter. But I am so glad I came across this channel!
In the beginning of a new job I notice there is a lot of gossip at work. They tried to get me in but I made it clear that I'm not into bullying or gossip in front of a group. That was the best decision. One time the bully boss tried to bully me and she reget. I was prepared ( thanks to my family), made it with my nordic face. I'm always the nice happy person. She nerver tried again. But i know there is always a skilled bad person out there. So thank you Larry for beeing there for us. You help so much.
Sometimes the person who says, “there’s something I think you should know…” are flying monkeys sent to send a message at the bidding of the ‘wicked witch’.
Thank you so much Dan for your incredible content. It has helped me so much in my professional and personal life. I love the message you are conveying to communicate with each other in a loving way. It's what the world needs right now. I find sometimes that there is a fine line between mentioning someone and gossip but I agree with you that we should definitely not gossip about coworkers or anyone really. Wishing you a wonderful week :)
Hmmm 🤔 I wouldn’t cross someone’s boundaries by touching them. Sometimes people don’t like that… like me. But I get what you are trying to convey and I love the ways to talk to others about that. Great suggestions.
Worked in a pharmaceutical company and the reason for backstabbing was too many temps and very few open positions for full time work. If people are creating a false narrative about you it’s most likely to hold you back from advancing.
I caught my boss texting my coworker about me. Gossiping about how much PTO I take (it’s my time). I called her out saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t conduct myself in such unprofessional and inappropriate manners… if you would like to talk to my coworker about me- the one you’ve demoted, at least text him on your private phone.” She’s been buying me a coffee daily ever since 😒
5:37 NO! If you'd have touched/tapped me, I wouldn't care how gentle you did so, whether you are tilting your head or not, and I wouldn't care what you are saying. I DO NOT want to be touched (by a colleague or a man that I'm not in a relationship with). This would have definitely backfired on you if you did this to me. You never know people's past, especially what a woman may have gone through! and assuming your touch/tap is ok or welcomed, is wrong! No! No! keep your hands to yourself!!
The point is that your assumption that a tap or touch is ok, is wrong + Your answer is insensitive , and shoulders no responsibility in teaching what is in fact a wrongdoing. Unsub 🚫
@@user-dx5wt1hx9tit doesn't sound insensitive though... He said he would remember how you take that of he ever met you which I think means he would respect your boundaries... That's not insensitive that's exactly what you want, isn't it?? I don't like to be touched either but most people will and do back off if you pull back from them (body language) or say,"This is totally a me thing, but I prefer not to be touched at work.". Like he said, sometimes it's cultural, not some evil intent or harassment, (most adults know your shouldn't grope other people's bodies or areas of their bodies without consent). Whatever your sensitivity comes from, you do have a right not to be touched, I'm just saying that IF you do get touched on the hand or arm it's not the person necessarily *trying or wanting* to violate you in any way. Most people will respect your boundaries. If they don't after you ask, mark day/time it happened and go to your boss. I really don't think Dan would ever seriously suggest that physical harassment, if that's what it is, is EVER ok. Anywhere.
@@PhoenixProdLLCthere was a post by a member which stated that it's how the touch is received not (only) the motivation of the person doing the action. It's important to know your audience. I think it's important to be sensitive and there was nothing wrong with the OP. Please don't project your experiences onto the OP and tell them what you think they should do. They are not insulting the channel either so don't see it as an attack please. You don't need to defend anyone 😢
A similar situation, although not work related, it was with a parent group at my kiddos school. One person “confided” something in me & asked me to mention it to another person. When I politely declined, she said “I understand, although my inner drama queen wishes you’d reconsider”. I responded, that “I don’t do drama!” Fast forward a few days later, she completely ignored me & never spoke to me again. 😄 I use this as an example of the trash taking itself out.
I used that phrase " I think there's something you should know"once, normally I never repeated what I heard but someone at work had their knife in someone else's back every time they spoke to me for weeks and the person thought they were good friends, the person being knifed was also very young and trusting. IT took me a few days of not sleeping well before I said something because it goes against minding my own business which I think is better.
I just recently did something dumb like this. People in youthgroup were saying the lead guy was inappropriate with one of the girls, so I told him what was being said, and instead he and his wife lost their minds and said how dare you accuse him of this! I didn’t, I was just letting him know it was getting out of hand. But now I know never ever tell anyone anything. Just leave it. I also couldn’t sleep before hand. I hope your situation turned out better than mine!
@@Feuri-hx4zn oh that's not good. Yes mine was alright, but I've worked there 30 years and had been navigating the minefield forever. I had somehow acquired the reputation as a safe place with younger staff and they could tell me anything without it getting passed on. ( It just happened ) I'm honest to a fault and I saw and heard lots, if ever there was anything I usually went directly to the source, this one time it was more delicate, and 99 percent of the time it's not necessary to get involved they learn to work it out.
I was one of those naive young people with a frame of reference that was “everyone mostly has good intentions”. 😂 Like in healthcare, I thought everyone went into that field to help patients-people at their most vulnerable. I had no idea people would pretend to be my friend and drive a knife in my back. It has happened over and over; and although much more cynical in my older age-I still try to set a good example for others. Occasionally I find myself getting caught up in it-and I remind myself I too, am the topic of these hateful people when I am out of the room. If you witness others talking about everyone else when they are not around, you can be absolutely certain they are doing the same to you. I have always struggled with boundaries in my life.
@@CopingwithGrattitude it's one of the hardest lessons to learn as an adult, they are co workers not buddies. Some will blame you some will step on you and some are nice and will help you but the one person you can always trust is yourself. Never say anything to people whom you work with that you don't want repeated or will reflect really badly on you, save that for an angry monolog to your mirror 😂 at home. The most frightening thing is the health care field, my health has taken a downswing unfortunately and I found myself in the hospital, stuck there on oxygen trying to navigate the wildly extreme personalities that work there, tied to the wall by an oxygen tube with fractures in my spine.... I also thought they would be mostly angels 😇 (a few were) hahahaha 😂🤣😂😁 OMG 😱 I got an education and never have I been happier to go home and double lock my door.
I ❤ remote work. It’s so easy to completely remove negative people from my work life. If I do have to interact with them, I just make sure it’s a group meeting. Done and done
My goodness! Where were YOU in high school and in my first years of working? 🤷♀️😂 EXCELLENT ADVICE! THANK YOU! I’m self employed for many many years now, but when I watch your videos I apply your responses to everyday life etc LIFE CHANGING!
Many thanks, Ashley. Although I prepare them primarily for the workplace, almost everything I teach can be applied to home and/or personal relationships as well.
OMG I am Autistic and undiagnosed until recently , as a Genx'r ( where have you been all my life ) these types of covert bullying are literally a dark zone in our abilities. I need a "feelings eye" dog to sniff out the Normies trying to bushwhack you. ( and if you are "hot " the girls wanna murder you reputationally .) Don't get me started on the whole "intimate " realtionships criteria . Autistic people are 58 times more likely to be bullied . HAving neanderthal gentics as well , the normies terrify me since they ATE US out of the gene pool :)
Thank you so much. I have ASD and having Rules is exactly what i need to guide me. You have no idea how frustrating it is to try to be professional and socially appropriate when no one can explain exactly how they do it because its just natural to them. So again, thank you so much. It means more than you know. I appreciate you! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
I love your message that we are the cause. So true about what we allow around us. The standards we set. As an employer I value what you say and incorporate it in my work and home life. Bravo, you are a moral beacon. Thanks for sharing your light. Lovingly, W
I was bullied at my former job. I couldn't take it anymore. She was trying so hard to fire me. I do have a disability. She asked how much I make, my credit scores, my personal information, my friend disability. She told a customer that I'm a b**** and don't talk to her. Seems like hr doesn't help. The more I reported her and the more mean she got. I complained to the manager and thought that I'm the problem and not her. Seems like victims can't win. :( I have a new job and I'm very happy there.
Montana, if you are familiar with my videos you know that I repeatedly remind people that HR WORKS FOR THE COMPANY and frequently complaints backfire. I have one video that suggests if you are there more than once, make sure your things are boxed up and your resume is fresh:). Unfortunately we have to learn to defend ourselves, and if that doesn't work--QUIT.
This is excellent information, I am so tired of trying to communicate within the toxic triangle’s. It is all about being trying to hurt someone to show superiority. My family employs this and often the entire work place over my career.
Unfortunately the entire world seems to be admiring name-calling and totally agressive and ignorant behavior. I hope we can change this one conversation at a time. And DON'T VOTE FOR ANYONE ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR no matter what--JUST DON'T DO IT.
Most people can say the same, Kipgirl. The difference is how we handle it and when we figure out that people who gossip are invariably saying more about themselves than they're saying about the subject of the gossip.
You are such a great speaker🎉🎉🎉...and a great teacher❤....wish every co- worker was just like you...work would be so awesome...thanks, I worked with a very toxic bunch, this helps me heal and have good ideas❤
Hi Dan, thanks for this great video! I really love the idea of empowering ourselves in every situation to bring the best out of ourselves and others. I always try at work to be positive, cheerful and helpful (this is the job where I told you recently that I had to call the police on a coworker who threatened to slap me because she was contributing to a resident being bullied, and I politely tried to deescalate the situation). In situations where there are employees who are off the wall, do you think that discussing the situation in private with a trusted coworker or coworkers (who have experienced the same level of bullying) is gossip? Sometimes I think it’s important to talk to another person at work if something really egregious is happening. Have you never done this? Or when you go home, for example, to run a situation by a spouse, family member or friend? Is that gossiping or just getting feedback and moral support? I can understand about preventing toxic gossiping, but sometimes discussing a situation with a trusted person is healthy I think? Thank you Dan!
Absolutely discussing situations in the context you're describing is not gossip. We all need support, and certainly discussing with trusted friends whatever is going on in our lives is not gossip. Not at all. I'm so glad you asked, JS, because clearly this was on your mind. I'm not always right, of course; I do the best I can as I suspect most of us do. But I'm right on this one, JS :) :)
I’ve always enjoyed listening to you here. It seems as though we humans have a couple of different nature‘s. We do have a choice as to which nature we will participate in. As for me, I tend to avoid those nasty types of people… I go out of my way to be as far from them as possible but yet they seem to find me😌
They find you because they are everywhere, and as you indicated--we all seem to have two natures. I believe people are basically good and we can handle the difficult parts of their natures when those parts emerge, if we are skilled in communication.
@@TheWizardOfWords Yes…this is when I sometimes remember to say the serenity prayer - only I change the words a little… For Yahweh to grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the PEOPLE that I cannot change- the COURAGE to change things I can(like what you are talking about here for example)& the WISDOM … to know the difference. “
@@TheWizardOfWords I really like the way you think. I mean we could get into thinking we are a victim because life just keeps doing this where they are everywhere like you said. I’m not a victim but sometimes throughout life, As I reflect back it seems as though I have been a target because of my sensitivity and sensitive nature. It seems like sensitives attract the bullies. Not on purpose of course… It’s just like they are there in our midst. Now that I’m older I don’t regret being sensitive I’d rather be this way then blocked, numb, or insensitive. I now accept the way I am. The way I am created. And when I am unacceptable I know WHO to turn to for forgiveness (and even deliverance, Wherever appropriate.) None of us are perfect-we all miss the mark. If I didn’t know how to forgive I would have lots of enemies. Probably worse health also.
@@TheWizardOfWords I wish I could somehow email or tell you a story of what happened to me recently, in a classroom setting in front of everyone the facilitator was very inappropriate and singled me out… And then the other story where I call her a battle ax that lives across the street pretending to be a nice person and friendly to everyone but she has it out for me… If I could tell you these two stories
Consider joining my Inner Circle. We meet monthly in a Zoom call and anyone who wishes to speak can speak--and of course I'll respond. Check it out at the store at danoconnortraining.com
I have a question about gifting during Christmas. If you know the people you need to buy presents for are gossiping and being ugly towards you. Do you buy them a thoughtful gift or something else? Someone said to me buying them a great gift would be rewarding their bad behavior so I'm not sure which way to go with this.
My first question is why you "need" to buy presents for anyone at Christmas. I did a video on it, and truly believe this practice is one we can do away with easily, except perhaps for little children.
You make it very clear in advance of Christmas that you are not buying gifts for these people, and you do not want gifts from these people. Make it clear and it is not rude at all. If they buy you gifts anyway, thank them politely. Period.
😂😂😂 I took a few second clip of you saying “I’m the cause here, I’m the cause not those bitches at work because then I would be the effect, now you think about that” and I listened to it like 50 times. I think it’s sunk in now. I love it you are hilarious and you help. ❤Thank you.😂❤
I was new to this workplace and after talking to my peer about a difficult situation that I was dealing with, I was told that the way I spoke in that situation didn’t make someone with male ego feel good. And added a man with an ego would not take what I said well. I never forget that and will probably never be able to.
Hey! Thank you for posting!! So effective! I'll be able to apply them to my workplace. Wondering if you'd like to discuss on the following: - how to diffuse/discuss sensitive topics - how to encourage ppl to be confidential about your sharing or to confront them if they did share to others and cause you professional harm/defamation - how to keep ppl at work accountable if they promise to do this something but don't and the manager doesn't back you up -- maybe these are workplace situations that involves more skills in addition to verbal communication bc I want to know how to keep my team leads accountable bc I'm also a team lead but they are slightly above me in hierarchy but don't think they need to follow
It's never your fault when people target you. Having said that--I hope I can help you determine what you might be doing to reward the behavior--so that you can stop rewarding it. But that doesn't mean it is your "fault." It is NOT.
Yeah, I didn't get on board with gossiping about coworkers so I quickly became the next target and soon enough got bullied out of the door...some call it the flying monkeys, I call them the army of bullies...you can't win against them all, being the only genuine person...as hard as it is and as much as you love your job, there's no other way, but to get out before you get too deeply traumatized...it's really not worth it. I'd rather clean toilets if it's the only job I find to pay the bills than be surrounded with bullies
When I pass Harold and Ray I know they are talking about me cause of what Chrystle tells Ray cause Hal won't even look at me and wave hi like he use to do. But that's ok let them talk truth will come out
I do know that you're gossiping about me behind my back. I don't know what you're saying, but I do know that I don't care. (When people gossip, they're looking for attention for themselves. It's a high for them)
If you liked this video and want to support this channel, please consider pressing the "join" button--right here www.youtube.com/@TheWizardOfWords
I work in an extremely toxic environment with lot of narcissists. I am aware of the never ending smear campaigns about me, but no one says anything to me. It's just evident in their passive aggressive behaviors such as shunning me, sabotaging my work, conversations that cease when I approach. Coworkers are simply coworkers and nothing more. I have no friends there. It is unfortunate that those at the top are also toxic and encourage this egregious behavior. I go to work to work, not make friends, nor join a clique of bullies. My friends are genuine, caring human beings. Otherwise, they would not be my friends.
Toni it is an excellent idea to form friendships OUTSIDE OF WORK so that work is just that--work.
Very well said however it can be exhausting and draining thereby affecting your mental health. smh
Better to look for a new job. No one should be subjected to that type of environment.
Its not good for your mental health. In every workplace i was in, I always formed great and genuine friendships.
I wonder if you’re a nurse
Some people I used to work with were gossiping about me and another coworker- so I went individual by individual and said "Hi, so someone told me you said such-and-such about me and this other person so I wanted to see if that was true and answer any questions you may have." Each person turned white as a ghost and had nothing to say or ask me but it felt good to get some control back over my own narrative in a way that didn't equate to me gossiping back.
Excellent approach, Candy!
😂❤ I bet they were SO shocked! Nice!!
Well done! In some cases, sometimes confrontation helps nip things in the bud.
Someone spread a big lie, then bought it to me. I responded with, “ I hear you and I see you”. She could not stand that I showed no emotion.
Touche!!❤
I always say when I hear someone is gossiping about me. Well at least they are leaving everyone else alone. I do this with a smile.
I always say their life must be so pathetic and boring to talk about me. I mean, I was homeless living out of my car. How more pathetic can that be You have to add some excitement to their Miserable life Although if you're gonna be homeless at least I was homeless in a I muststang g t v8 paid in full 😂
As my grandfather always said--"If you can't go first class don't go at all." I'd say that Mustang was first class! Experiences such as being homeless can make people bitter--or better. I don't hear any bitterness from you at all. :)
@@TheWizardOfWords no bitterness Just a lesson. What can I do to avoid the situation and avoid the people and my actions not to be so impulsive, and to think first I always try to look at the best in the situation. I know there are people who have a worse than I am but I've learned. I found you and things life actually is getting better. I may not be rich. I may be 1 day. Appreciate everything and your lessons. And they make me laugh in a good way.
It’s so crazy to believe that bullying goes away after high school, but sometimes workplace bullying can be WORSE than bullying in high school because it can impact your livelihood. 🤯 It makes it worse if MANAGEMENT is involved in the foolishness as well.
Your advice is spot-on, especially holding people to a higher standard.
you got that on point. people don't change, they just get older! 😮
Right!!!!
If someone is 'telling' you what someone else said, they are NOT your friend. Learned that valuable lesson when I was a child. Cannot trust that person ever.
I noticed that gossiping bonds women coworkers together, and I lack the effort in partaking in that. And now I'm being isolated instead 🤣
Good. You're there to work, not to gossip, so REJOICE when they isolate you. If it doesn't affect your work, let it go.
Always happens to me.
Same. I joined a Facebook group for a few laughs and fun but I was bullied by a group of people and I didn’t have people to help me. I met a few funny people I’m close to but I don’t have a group I could call upon at my disposal like them. I had to go 1 vs 10 😆
Part of the reason I got bullied at work is because I wouldn't take part in the gossiping. There was a whole clique of them in the back every day that would just gossip about everyone. If you weren't part of the gossip train, you were out.
Better to be off that train to nowhere.
I noticed that a lot of people especially women bond through gossiping about other people. 99% of what women talk about is other people. I work in a salon and try hard not to gossip so like you, I end up the focus of some of this because I dont fit in.
feeling your pain
@@chomka426
I can't resist stating that groups of men are equal to what you describe for women. Men definitely bond by gossiping and competitive bad-mouthing about what they did on the jobsite or what time they arrived to work. This has been witnessed on 3 jobs all in the midwest and also I house-shared and they did it at the end of the day too.
I wanted to join one of these groups as a kid in middle school because i didn't want to be alone. Definitely learned my lesson and I never take part in gossip even though if it comes at the cost of being isolated.
Just be too good for it, allow your work to speak for you. You will never shake the scumbags, they're everywhere. Even in families.
Great advice.
Yes you can
I have said: what people think of me and what they say about me when I am not present is none of my business.
Absolutely!
I knew somebody who I told something in confidence, and she agreed not to tell anybody. The next time I saw her, she said, “You need to know that a whole lot of people are very angry with you right now, a whole lot of people!! I asked her why?!?! She said it was because of what I said to her. I said, “But you’re the only one that I told!! She had a “deer in the headlights” look. 😳🙄
Coworkers are not your friend. Refrain from telling them your secrets
@@sensimania She was not a coworker. She was an Instructor at my Gym, and I was a Client.
@@sensimaniaThat so true.
"Holding people to a higher standard" is actually a really great point and a gentler approach to this. I'll definitely be utilising this! Thanks! I caught myself gossiping about someone leaving the company yesterday. A colleague said: "I'm not going to speculate on xxx". I actually respect that colleague quite a lot and it was a great way to guide the conversation elsewhere. Just thought I'd share my mistake so others might learn, and yes, you are correct Dan. I'm not happy in my current role and seeking other employment. I'll try and not allow the negativity cloud me in my final weeks here.
So honest of you to share. Well done!
very wise and mature of you! Thanks for putting yourself out there in this way.
It’s so easy to get caught up in it, especially when it’s a workplace with toxic energy…. We lose our compass and sway from our standards
I once worked with a guy who was an actual diagnosed overt narcissist. Once and only once , he said to me “ So & so(name omitted) was talking about you a lot this morning. I think she is jealous of you “. To which I responded without skipping a beat “ I am so flattered anyone would waste their time and energy on little old me. I feel special. Thanks for sharing.” I just remember the look of shock and disappointment on his face. The only retort he had was “ huh” . I know he was expecting me to bite the bait and you could tell it didn’t go that way for him. I denied his feed. He never used that approach with me again.
Absolutely perfect. He was seeking a reward. You didn't give it to him. What doesn't get rewarded doesn't get repeated :)
Sometimes, the talk that goes on in our own heads is worse than anything anyone may say.
True :)
My colleagues don't gossip with me, as I am rigidly not open for that.Howver, they do gossip about me. That's even worse. As you find out through your manager.
happened to me
Same here
My strategy thus far with gossips, at work or with family, has been to act busy or uninterested.
Good one.
Lmao I do the same
Mmm you can be busy but in my experience they can be a big part of why you are busier than you should. They can still sabotage you and will keep extending the goal posts.
They naturally fall away! Yes! I have started to notice that after I’ve been telling people how to interact with me. Thank you 😊
I have this going on amongst my own family members. It has trickled down from my 98 year old grandma who is never happy with what anyone does. She will target one person who is going to a hard time and talk about them. I actually opted out of thanksgiving with them after i recently heard them bad mouthing my paranoid schizophrenic Aunt.
Sometimes you have to give distance to a relationship that is toxic--and kudos to you for doing that.
Awful. - and she gets to live so long- they often do- your poor aunt- it’s good that you are an ethical person and taking a stand.
My mother and one of my sisters has a passion for telling painful truths that do not need, nor should be shared
Sad. Hurtful. Unnecessary. I hear you Akristen.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks. I’m learning and developing better resilience.
I am so fascinated with your channel ! I was bullied at work years back and wish I found your channel then, the elephant in my office has now left that goodness. I remember a time when I walked into a conversation with 2 co-workers and when I approached they stopped talking, my immediate response was "oh, who are you talking about now? "and laughed, they immediately stopped their conversation and went the separate ways ..... I'm not sure if I handled that correctly but the words just came out ! I'm not good at thinking before I speak at times LOL thank you for sharing all your amazing techniques !
haha--they might have taken your comment as accusatory, Cinderelli--but it's in the past so no big deal. Next time, just sit within hearing range and pick up your phone and research something--without saying a word :)
thank you so much Dan, yes ! I kind of knew I didn't handle it correctly after watching your channel, I have been known to react too quickly .... but in my refence they don't gossip around me anymore which I am thankful for, I didnt realize what I said until I said it without thinking ... I totally honor your channel, thank you so much for your kind reply, you have no idea how many of us you have touched us all , god bless you Dan ! xoxox It is so sad that adults are trying to "so called" prevent bullying in schools when they can't even prevent them in our work place @@TheWizardOfWords
It's not easy for us girls at the work place, I wore a pair of cool high heeled shoes at work and one of my co-workers said "omg who buys those" ! this co-worker which is a real estate agent looks like she was dressed to clean our her garage, my reaction was "you have fun with fashion"
I’ve been watching your videos for a while . I have been the outcast at certain jobs in healthcare and I’ve tried taking the high ground and mind my business but people antagonize me and I end up quitting because I have this rage inside from being hurt . I mind my own business but the toxicity had been too much . Everything I learned in the videos go right out the window and I end up flustered
Kta-- the reason you practice what you want to say when you are not emotionally charged is so that it will come out of you the way you wish, when you ARE emotionally charged.
I’ve been in the same boat as you. Thanks for sharing.
Healthcare is full of bullies
I come from an abusive household and found, thru doing the work on my heart and mind, that these things trigger me in a way that they don't trigger others. Learning to be safe at work is two-fold for me. I have had therapy and then learned how to communicate properly. I used to try to compartmentalize those aspects of my life but I made strides when I realized I am still a human being at work and I am going to go home wounded and let it ruin my life. I'm here today because someone was very unkind to me at work. These days, I have better tools and MUST reach out for them when I get hurt at work. My perspective is better but yes, the meanies are still just mean and awful and some days it just plain hurts to be treated this way.
same
Its because your a kind person with a big heart so they think you will take it!!!!!
I once worked in a very toxic environment, where my boss had a clique of mean, pushy, gossiping minions - they were the new, young ones, and the older, more skilled ones I was part of, were horribly bullied.
One time they succeeded in sending me to the boss's office for The Talk... as it was about trivial things (and most importantly, lies) I wasn't worried because I knew no one could circumstantiate the accusations.
The day of, I went to a patisserie and bought a big tray of sweets.
When I came out of the boss's office I went straight to the kitchen (where the witches were waiting and gloating 😂) with a big smile on my face, I put the tray on the table and said "let's celebrate!" Someone laughed with me, someone ate sour-tasting sweets... it never happened again
Excellent approach, Bianca :)
Huh??
As a professional dog trainer, I appreciate your saying dogs are great communicators!
You bet they are. And they never tell you off, gossip about you or betray you. They are loyal and always happy to see you and be part of your life.
Humans could take a page or two from a dog's playbook.
I'm trying to apply the things I've learned here. My failures in accomplishment is my fault for not being experienced in doing these sorts of things, but last night, I applied some of this person's teachings and it actually worked.
This channel is gold. Thank you.
I would also like to share, the last time anyone ever came to me as a target of gossip (that I can remember) was over two decades ago.
"Bryan, I've been hearing a rumor.."
"Just one? That's disappointing; I started at least twelve..."
Really threw the guy off.
(No I don't start rumors but I also didn't want to be invited into the game so that was a free ticket for exclusion from his circles that I gladly ripped and stowed.)
Thanks for sharing, Bryan-- that's a funny and effective one-liner. I may have to steal it :)
You continue to be a total legend
HAHAHAHA OK Leanita...that one got me to laugh out loud. Thank you!💐💐
@@TheWizardOfWords Good! Cos You Da Man, Dan! Name change and all! All I can say is... WOW! 🌺👏🏽💃🏽❣
Well thank you :)
I worked with a coworker who would talk about other people to me. Demeaning things. Then he started to suggest to me ( when other coworkers were standing around), ways I could be more "efficient". This was in healthcare, where I had a good 30 years of experience over him. Then he started to question me in front of my other coworkers and even patients. He didn't like me for whatever reason. He was toxic. Although upsetting, I remained (outwardly) unaffected by his bullying. I admit, I did not report him as he had much clout and involvement in the union where we worked.
Cat, I think you were wise not to report him. These types of interactions have to be handled between and among the people involved. I hope I can help people navigate these difficult waters by giving them tools for making certain people don't cross their boundaries.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you for your response. Yes, I believe he would have turned the tables on me if I had reported him. Fortunately, I was able to retire 'early' (almost 40 years there), due to overall burn out. His bullying was one of many motivators for me to end my career.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thanks for ALL you do. Your work is SO important as there is much hostility going on anymore and we need to learn how to respond respectively. Maybe if more people watched your videos, this would be a less hostile world.
These are excellent suggestions!! Thank you, Dan! 😊❤
A huge thank you to you. I wish I had seen your video one month ago, when I quit the toxic workplace. I had been working very hard, was exhausted, and day 5 of exhaustion at work from the haters, I broke down and cried. I was too tired to deal with their shit. The next week, I told them that the bullying is unacceptable, that I will not tolerate it, but I handed in my notice the next day. Those idiots don't deserve me in their presence... Thank goodness I have savings...
I’m strong, resilient, solution focused, sociable, really interested in my job. My experience of workplace bullying has been shocking- brutal- and escalating due to lack of reaction-
Oh you are so wonderful. Here's my situation. After showing dogs for 40 years and being successful breeding and showing my own dogs, I have a bully. She has been given a dog by someone who is very jealous of my success and because of personal issues I haven't been out in competition. She has gained momentum she has been winning at local shows. She has had free rein for almost 2 years. When I show up once in a while and beat her she gets very angry and loudly proclaims that the judging was terrible and that my dog did not show well (so what!) that is not how judging works - it is about the structure of the dog, or it should be.... Then when We go to the big shows on the east coast in October and my homebred dog makes the finals every day and her dog did not. She was really angry. She sat outside the ring at the National Specialty (as big as it gets) and says "I can't believe that dog is awarded a ribbon, He is AWFUL!", or "I HATE that dog". She has said judging is terrible when I win. All of these things are being witnessed by other competitors. I am well liked and well respected by virtue of my accomplishments. When called out by one of my friends who told her she should not be talking like that ringside (it's basic dog show etiquette not to do this), her reply was "I can talk anyway I like!'. So, I don't want to go shows much anymore. I am alone and she has her little group with her. I will listen to this video again and again. I hate conflict. I recently divorced at age 71 after having been in an abusive relationship for 50 years. Now I realize that was also partially because I did not set boundaries. Instead in my marriage just kept trying harder and the more I tried, the less he did. Finally, I had enough and divorced the jerk. This feels all too familiar. I understand this is about setting boundaries but 73 years of being demeaned when I tried means I am 73 years behind where I should be. I am anxious to learn. But, right now I want to get back to doing what I love and that is showing my dogs. I need to be prepared for the next insult. BTW, AKC has rules about sportsmanship that she could be suspended for violating by virtue of her behavior. In October a lot of people witnessed her behavior. But, really, that's not the problem. I am not able to stand up to her. I do not know how. Going to read the rule book and then come back and watch this one again. Thank you so much for your help. Sorry this is so long.
Norwich, please go to my channels and watch more videos on this topic, or consider investing in yourself and our comunication skills by going to danoconnortraining.com and purchasing Step Out of the Shadows and Speak.
I’m so sorry all of this has happened to you. I have faith you can get the skills to shut this all down. As women. We tend to keep our mouths shut and this can be a mistake. Boundaries are a lifelong lesson. ❤
Wishing you the very best with ALL of this!! Sometimes we can feel we're missing pieces of a jigsaw - skills & capacities we've been without or (for whatever reason) not developed. I see in your comment so much warmth, gentleness & a lot of strength. I hope you're finding a way to stay the course & assert yourself, doing something you excel at and love. Much respect for your kind heart, courage & resilience from the other side of the planet 🌏🦘
In my experience at the workplace, ppl that are passive aggressive gossips the most. They are also the most miserable ones.
I really do not have the energy to deal with every gossiper at the workplace. I do recommend that your work performance speaks for you. You truly have to pick and choose your battles at work. There is a difference when ppl gossip about you vs when ppl bully you. I am assertive at the workplace where I set the tone that you will not bully me. You can gossip about me all day though because I don't care.
A past coworker said exactly I think there's something you should know. I love how you handled it.
Touching is absolutely not allowed in my corporation. It is how the person “believes” the touch was meant and not the motivation of the giver. It is immediately a harassment charge.
Yes I think we have to be careful now bc it's not always a comfort to every single person. For those who's love language is touch it'll be effective, and the sentiment is like giving a mini hug to someone when delivering bad news. However esp for ppl in workplace where it doesn't signify kindness but rather creepiness, we have to know our audience.
Also, maybe another way is to reach out to them and tap the desk close to them kindly/gently to signify wanting to reach out but not wanting to make them uncomfortable.
My manager did this before. I was going through a ground breaking situation and he wanted to make sure I didn't withdraw and to tell me he'll help me out.. he reached out quickly to prevent me from getting up from the table (just me and him) in food court in order to say that he'll help me and then caught himself so he ended up reaching in the air in front and clasping the air. I think he wanted to grab my hands or something - not in a bad way but just to signify 'its alright'. It really surprised me bc I didn't know he would do that for me but it felt genuine and kind to me.
We had multiple convos after that but he made clear that it wasn't creepy bc he would say 'some people think bc I am a guy and you are a girl that there is a thing going on', and I told him I would never confuse professionalism with ulterior motives and that I didn't have any. That was his convo to me to show me that it wasn't about that. So I felt safe after that. And no he never made me feel uncomfortable and didn't (need to) use professional touch. In any way, a diffusing type of communication which can diffuse difficult conversation is important, and this video is showing us good techniques to use. So another I would say to consider is short convos to clarify no ulterior motives similar to what my manager did for me. It's not always that you communicate you're not creepy it's also to direct a convos to see what the other person thinks of whether the situation is comfortable/creepy -- then have a full convos around that. That's really important! For sensitive topics as you said, OP, er need to understand how it's received in addition to the motivation bc in workplace cases it's how it's received.
P.S.:
FYI: After 1 year he also got bullied by the company partners and same with me. He did end up telling my story to the partner who was livid and came out of the meeting saying if he knew he wouldn't have hired me 😢...well so much for confidentiality. I never wanted to share and kept work and life separate, bc I knew this would happen. It was very devastating and caused me a lot of stress at that workplace. I was very helpless bc my manager had his own views and took my story to share to try and get ppl to understand me. Confidentiality is a different matter. But I am so glad I came across this channel!
Thank you for posting all of the wisdom you have learned, bless you
In the beginning of a new job I notice there is a lot of gossip at work. They tried to get me in but I made it clear that I'm not into bullying or gossip in front of a group. That was the best decision. One time the bully boss tried to bully me and she reget. I was prepared ( thanks to my family), made it with my nordic face. I'm always the nice happy person. She nerver tried again.
But i know there is always a skilled bad person out there.
So thank you Larry for beeing there for us. You help so much.
Sometimes the person who says, “there’s something I think you should know…” are flying monkeys sent to send a message at the bidding of the ‘wicked witch’.
Thank you so much Dan for your incredible content. It has helped me so much in my professional and personal life. I love the message you are conveying to communicate with each other in a loving way. It's what the world needs right now. I find sometimes that there is a fine line between mentioning someone and gossip but I agree with you that we should definitely not gossip about coworkers or anyone really. Wishing you a wonderful week :)
Your lessons are so empowering, Dan. Thank you for teaching me that I am' the cause' and that my world is in my hands.
Dan, that was wonderful, empowering and compassionate. Love your stuff!
Thank you, ElizabethandR
Hmmm 🤔 I wouldn’t cross someone’s boundaries by touching them. Sometimes people don’t like that… like me. But I get what you are trying to convey and I love the ways to talk to others about that. Great suggestions.
I agree. I also would be able to see right through the manipulation. Some of this advice feels passive aggressive.
Worked in a pharmaceutical company and the reason for backstabbing was too many temps and very few open positions for full time work. If people are creating a false narrative about you it’s most likely to hold you back from advancing.
I caught my boss texting my coworker about me. Gossiping about how much PTO I take (it’s my time). I called her out saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t conduct myself in such unprofessional and inappropriate manners… if you would like to talk to my coworker about me- the one you’ve demoted, at least text him on your private phone.”
She’s been buying me a coffee daily ever since 😒
Great story! It pays to call people out--professionally and without malice.
You are so brilliant. Thank you for helping us.
You are so welcome and I'm happy to help.
Such good advice; thank you, Dan!
5:37 NO! If you'd have touched/tapped me, I wouldn't care how gentle you did so, whether you are tilting your head or not, and I wouldn't care what you are saying. I DO NOT want to be touched (by a colleague or a man that I'm not in a relationship with). This would have definitely backfired on you if you did this to me. You never know people's past, especially what a woman may have gone through! and assuming your touch/tap is ok or welcomed, is wrong! No! No! keep your hands to yourself!!
I'll remember that, if I meet you.
The point is that your assumption that a tap or touch is ok, is wrong + Your answer is insensitive , and shoulders no responsibility in teaching what is in fact a wrongdoing. Unsub 🚫
@@user-dx5wt1hx9tit doesn't sound insensitive though... He said he would remember how you take that of he ever met you which I think means he would respect your boundaries... That's not insensitive that's exactly what you want, isn't it?? I don't like to be touched either but most people will and do back off if you pull back from them (body language) or say,"This is totally a me thing, but I prefer not to be touched at work.". Like he said, sometimes it's cultural, not some evil intent or harassment, (most adults know your shouldn't grope other people's bodies or areas of their bodies without consent). Whatever your sensitivity comes from, you do have a right not to be touched, I'm just saying that IF you do get touched on the hand or arm it's not the person necessarily *trying or wanting* to violate you in any way. Most people will respect your boundaries. If they don't after you ask, mark day/time it happened and go to your boss. I really don't think Dan would ever seriously suggest that physical harassment, if that's what it is, is EVER ok. Anywhere.
@@PhoenixProdLLCthere was a post by a member which stated that it's how the touch is received not (only) the motivation of the person doing the action. It's important to know your audience.
I think it's important to be sensitive and there was nothing wrong with the OP. Please don't project your experiences onto the OP and tell them what you think they should do. They are not insulting the channel either so don't see it as an attack please. You don't need to defend anyone 😢
A similar situation, although not work related, it was with a parent group at my kiddos school. One person “confided” something in me & asked me to mention it to another person. When I politely declined, she said “I understand, although my inner drama queen wishes you’d reconsider”. I responded, that “I don’t do drama!” Fast forward a few days later, she completely ignored me & never spoke to me again. 😄 I use this as an example of the trash taking itself out.
Kind of harsh but kind of excellent at the same time (the last sentence) :)
I just tell people directly that gossip and nosieness is classless and trivial.
I used that phrase " I think there's something you should know"once, normally I never repeated what I heard but someone at work had their knife in someone else's back every time they spoke to me for weeks and the person thought they were good friends, the person being knifed was also very young and trusting.
IT took me a few days of not sleeping well before I said something because it goes against minding my own business which I think is better.
I just recently did something dumb like this. People in youthgroup were saying the lead guy was inappropriate with one of the girls, so I told him what was being said, and instead he and his wife lost their minds and said how dare you accuse him of this! I didn’t, I was just letting him know it was getting out of hand. But now I know never ever tell anyone anything. Just leave it. I also couldn’t sleep before hand. I hope your situation turned out better than mine!
@@Feuri-hx4zn oh that's not good. Yes mine was alright, but I've worked there 30 years and had been navigating the minefield forever. I had somehow acquired the reputation as a safe place with younger staff and they could tell me anything without it getting passed on. ( It just happened )
I'm honest to a fault and I saw and heard lots, if ever there was anything I usually went directly to the source, this one time it was more delicate, and 99 percent of the time it's not necessary to get involved they learn to work it out.
I was one of those naive young people with a frame of reference that was “everyone mostly has good intentions”. 😂 Like in healthcare, I thought everyone went into that field to help patients-people at their most vulnerable.
I had no idea people would pretend to be my friend and drive a knife in my back. It has happened over and over; and although much more cynical in my older age-I still try to set a good example for others. Occasionally I find myself getting caught up in it-and I remind myself I too, am the topic of these hateful people when I am out of the room. If you witness others talking about everyone else when they are not around, you can be absolutely certain they are doing the same to you.
I have always struggled with boundaries in my life.
@@CopingwithGrattitude it's one of the hardest lessons to learn as an adult, they are co workers not buddies. Some will blame you some will step on you and some are nice and will help you but the one person you can always trust is yourself. Never say anything to people whom you work with that you don't want repeated or will reflect really badly on you, save that for an angry monolog to your mirror 😂 at home.
The most frightening thing is the health care field, my health has taken a downswing unfortunately and I found myself in the hospital, stuck there on oxygen trying to navigate the wildly extreme personalities that work there, tied to the wall by an oxygen tube with fractures in my spine....
I also thought they would be mostly angels 😇 (a few were) hahahaha 😂🤣😂😁 OMG 😱 I got an education and never have I been happier to go home and double lock my door.
Thanks so much, Dan! Very well put! 💚🌠🍀
I just found your channel yesterday! I wish I had this channel when I younger. Amazing videos ❤!
I heard something on the radio and it is so true. If someone is always bringing you bad news; ask why is that? Why is all their news bad?
Its always a pleasure listening to you. Thank you. God bless
I love it when people talk about me, it's a great compliment to be thought of. 😂
I could of used your advice years ago when I worked at a previous job.
I ❤ remote work. It’s so easy to completely remove negative people from my work life. If I do have to interact with them, I just make sure it’s a group meeting. Done and done
I love your suggestions for making a response in the situations you describe.
Very inciteful. Thank you and Best WIshes.
My goodness! Where were YOU in high school and in my first years of working? 🤷♀️😂 EXCELLENT ADVICE! THANK YOU! I’m self employed for many many years now, but when I watch your videos I apply your responses to everyday life etc LIFE CHANGING!
Many thanks, Ashley. Although I prepare them primarily for the workplace, almost everything I teach can be applied to home and/or personal relationships as well.
Gee i like your style sir, thanks for your advice! You and Neridith Miller are absolute life savers!
You are awesome!! Thank you for your specific examples of a higher mindset!! ❤️❤️❤️
Such graceful and mutually respectful ideas, thank you ♥️
I think with touching people it's one of those things that's ymmv depending on culture place profession and people
Yes, good point.
OMG I am Autistic and undiagnosed until recently , as a Genx'r ( where have you been all my life ) these types of covert bullying are literally a dark zone in our abilities. I need a "feelings eye" dog to sniff out the Normies trying to bushwhack you. ( and if you are "hot " the girls wanna murder you reputationally .) Don't get me started on the whole "intimate " realtionships criteria . Autistic people are 58 times more likely to be bullied . HAving neanderthal gentics as well , the normies terrify me since they ATE US out of the gene pool :)
Well now that was a colorful post :). I get it SR, and I certainly hear you.
This is so encouraging!
thank you so much, please dont stop this work your the only channel helping me.
I'm not going anywhere, Aburiaburi. Stay tuned. And please consider pressing that "join" button and becoming a CZcams channel member :)
Thank you so much. I have ASD and having Rules is exactly what i need to guide me.
You have no idea how frustrating it is to try to be professional and socially appropriate when no one can explain exactly how they do it because its just natural to them.
So again, thank you so much. It means more than you know. I appreciate you! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thanks, dwd :). I appreciate you too :)
Brilliant insight and effective strategies to use, thank you.
I love your message that we are the cause. So true about what we allow around us. The standards we set. As an employer I value what you say and incorporate it in my work and home life. Bravo, you are a moral beacon. Thanks for sharing your light. Lovingly, W
Many thanks, WJ.
Love this! Thanks!!
The cause and effect statement is brilliant…damn skippy I’m theCAuSe😊
I was bullied at my former job. I couldn't take it anymore. She was trying so hard to fire me. I do have a disability. She asked how much I make, my credit scores, my personal information, my friend disability. She told a customer that I'm a b**** and don't talk to her. Seems like hr doesn't help. The more I reported her and the more mean she got. I complained to the manager and thought that I'm the problem and not her. Seems like victims can't win. :( I have a new job and I'm very happy there.
Montana, if you are familiar with my videos you know that I repeatedly remind people that HR WORKS FOR THE COMPANY and frequently complaints backfire. I have one video that suggests if you are there more than once, make sure your things are boxed up and your resume is fresh:). Unfortunately we have to learn to defend ourselves, and if that doesn't work--QUIT.
Hi Dan! Thanks 😊
This is excellent information, I am so tired of trying to communicate within the toxic triangle’s. It is all about being trying to hurt someone to show superiority. My family employs this and often the entire work place over my career.
Unfortunately the entire world seems to be admiring name-calling and totally agressive and ignorant behavior. I hope we can change this one conversation at a time. And DON'T VOTE FOR ANYONE ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR no matter what--JUST DON'T DO IT.
I feel like we all should get a class like this at some point in our lives!
I've been the subject of gossip most of my life ....
Most people can say the same, Kipgirl. The difference is how we handle it and when we figure out that people who gossip are invariably saying more about themselves than they're saying about the subject of the gossip.
@@TheWizardOfWords That's definitely the truth ! And it's always the guilty who point the finger....
You are such a great speaker🎉🎉🎉...and a great teacher❤....wish every co- worker was just like you...work would be so awesome...thanks, I worked with a very toxic bunch, this helps me heal and have good ideas❤
Thank you! 😃
Hi Dan, thanks for this great video! I really love the idea of empowering ourselves in every situation to bring the best out of ourselves and others.
I always try at work to be positive, cheerful and helpful (this is the job where I told you recently that I had to call the police on a coworker who threatened to slap me because she was contributing to a resident being bullied, and I politely tried to deescalate the situation). In situations where there are employees who are off the wall, do you think that discussing the situation in private with a trusted coworker or coworkers (who have experienced the same level of bullying) is gossip? Sometimes I think it’s important to talk to another person at work if something really egregious is happening. Have you never done this? Or when you go home, for example, to run a situation by a spouse, family member or friend? Is that gossiping or just getting feedback and moral support? I can understand about preventing toxic gossiping, but sometimes discussing a situation with a trusted person is healthy I think?
Thank you Dan!
Absolutely discussing situations in the context you're describing is not gossip. We all need support, and certainly discussing with trusted friends whatever is going on in our lives is not gossip. Not at all. I'm so glad you asked, JS, because clearly this was on your mind. I'm not always right, of course; I do the best I can as I suspect most of us do. But I'm right on this one, JS :) :)
A very good question and very helpful, thank you!!!
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you Dan!!! I so appreciate you! And thank you for letting me ask the question for clarification! 🙏🙏
@@denster77 Thank you! 🙏
As always you are full of it Dan! Full of good advice that is😂❤
Always!
I’ve always enjoyed listening to you here. It seems as though we humans have a couple of different nature‘s. We do have a choice as to which nature we will participate in. As for me, I tend to avoid those nasty types of people… I go out of my way to be as far from them as possible but yet they seem to find me😌
They find you because they are everywhere, and as you indicated--we all seem to have two natures. I believe people are basically good and we can handle the difficult parts of their natures when those parts emerge, if we are skilled in communication.
@@TheWizardOfWords Yes…this is when I sometimes remember to say the serenity prayer - only I change the words a little… For Yahweh to grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the PEOPLE that I cannot change- the COURAGE to change things I can(like what you are talking about here for example)& the WISDOM … to know the difference. “
@@TheWizardOfWords I really like the way you think. I mean we could get into thinking we are a victim because life just keeps doing this where they are everywhere like you said. I’m not a victim but sometimes throughout life, As I reflect back it seems as though I have been a target because of my sensitivity and sensitive nature. It seems like sensitives attract the bullies. Not on purpose of course… It’s just like they are there in our midst. Now that I’m older I don’t regret being sensitive I’d rather be this way then blocked, numb, or insensitive. I now accept the way I am. The way I am created. And when I am unacceptable I know WHO to turn to for forgiveness (and even deliverance, Wherever appropriate.)
None of us are perfect-we all miss the mark. If I didn’t know how to forgive I would have lots of enemies. Probably worse health also.
@@TheWizardOfWords I wish I could somehow email or tell you a story of what happened to me recently, in a classroom setting in front of everyone the facilitator was very inappropriate and singled me out… And then the other story where I call her a battle ax that lives across the street pretending to be a nice person and friendly to everyone but she has it out for me… If I could tell you these two stories
Consider joining my Inner Circle. We meet monthly in a Zoom call and anyone who wishes to speak can speak--and of course I'll respond. Check it out at the store at danoconnortraining.com
I have a question about gifting during Christmas. If you know the people you need to buy presents for are gossiping and being ugly towards you. Do you buy them a thoughtful gift or something else? Someone said to me buying them a great gift would be rewarding their bad behavior so I'm not sure which way to go with this.
My first question is why you "need" to buy presents for anyone at Christmas. I did a video on it, and truly believe this practice is one we can do away with easily, except perhaps for little children.
@@TheWizardOfWords I will be checking out the video. Would it be rude if I don't buy gifts but they do?
You make it very clear in advance of Christmas that you are not buying gifts for these people, and you do not want gifts from these people. Make it clear and it is not rude at all. If they buy you gifts anyway, thank them politely. Period.
@@TheWizardOfWords Awesome! Thank you Dan! I've been a huge fan and appreciate everything you do! You're the best!
😂😂😂 I took a few second clip of you saying “I’m the cause here, I’m the cause not those bitches at work because then I would be the effect, now you think about that” and I listened to it like 50 times. I think it’s sunk in now. I love it you are hilarious and you help. ❤Thank you.😂❤
Wow I never knew thst was considered gossiping
Aces Dan the man❤
I was new to this workplace and after talking to my peer about a difficult situation that I was dealing with, I was told that the way I spoke in that situation didn’t make someone with male ego feel good. And added a man with an ego would not take what I said well. I never forget that and will probably never be able to.
Mindy, I think it depends entirely upon what you said-- Pandering to the male ego isn't necessary, but mindful communication is.
Thanks!
Many thanks, Schlingem :)
This just convinced and confirmed to me that people in general are not good.
Beverley, that is not the intended message.
Way to miss the point
Hey! Thank you for posting!! So effective! I'll be able to apply them to my workplace.
Wondering if you'd like to discuss on the following:
- how to diffuse/discuss sensitive topics
- how to encourage ppl to be confidential about your sharing or to confront them if they did share to others and cause you professional harm/defamation
- how to keep ppl at work accountable if they promise to do this something but don't and the manager doesn't back you up -- maybe these are workplace situations that involves more skills in addition to verbal communication bc I want to know how to keep my team leads accountable bc I'm also a team lead but they are slightly above me in hierarchy but don't think they need to follow
Kerrin, are you a Patron or a channel member (having pressed the "join"button)?
Goodness, i wish that i had found this years ago! I was horribly bullied at my last job, and i feel like it was all my fault.
It's never your fault when people target you. Having said that--I hope I can help you determine what you might be doing to reward the behavior--so that you can stop rewarding it. But that doesn't mean it is your "fault." It is NOT.
I had a friend who gossiped about everyone including me. She ruined all my friendships. I wish I realized how toxic she was.
This is such helpful info. I agree, it can be used at work and home.
Yeah, I didn't get on board with gossiping about coworkers so I quickly became the next target and soon enough got bullied out of the door...some call it the flying monkeys, I call them the army of bullies...you can't win against them all, being the only genuine person...as hard as it is and as much as you love your job, there's no other way, but to get out before you get too deeply traumatized...it's really not worth it. I'd rather clean toilets if it's the only job I find to pay the bills than be surrounded with bullies
How do I phrase it when the boss thinks they are superior and very dismissive of everyone else only their ideas opinions impressions count.
Yikes sounds like boss is a bit of a narcissist 😢
I learned a new word, autocratic
Can you give an example, please?
I love your advice ❤❤❤ Thank you!!
A lot of my coworkers are just mad because I had to set boundaries with them 😂
Let them be mad. Your goal is to get your work done. You can make friends outside of the office.
Brilliant!
just what i needed!
Thank u for sharing this is your best video😊😊😊
When I pass Harold and Ray I know they are talking about me cause of what Chrystle tells Ray cause Hal won't even look at me and wave hi like he use to do. But that's ok let them talk truth will come out
I do know that you're gossiping about me behind my back. I don't know what you're saying, but I do know that I don't care.
(When people gossip, they're looking for attention for themselves. It's a high for them)
Again, you're the best.