Why the Betrayed may Hate you
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- čas přidán 10. 08. 2015
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At discovery, Samuel's wife, Samantha, said she hated him. It's a normal emotion for the betrayed but requires the right approach to diffuse the intensity of emotion. Samuel discusses in this vlog how he approached it in his recovery and gained success.
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YES!! Just what I told my unfaithful spouse last night when he threatened to sleep at his office because I was so angry. I said, "You run, we're done."
Yes! I completely understand you. My husband hasn't said that though, but he leaves the room. That makes me furious! I need to talk and about Her. He needs to listen.
I just saw you wrote this 5 yrs ago. I hope you're much better know no matter what you choice was, to stay or leave. Hugs 🌹
I so wish my husband would watch this and understand my pain. It is easy to say " I was wrong" what is difficult is to be there for the betrayed spouse who didn't ask for this enormous pain. I wish he would be there for me instead of protecting himself and be self-involved.
it's a very common response, unfortunately. it's not healthy, but it's very common. have you done any recovery work or looked at our bootcamp program at all? or any of the courses as they all will speak to that: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses
my ex refused to talk about anything, gaslite me when I was hurting, wouldnt listen, still went off and cheated EVERY time I would tell him how I felt or my needs, then act like I owed him an apology because I was hurt at his wrongs!! Super vindictive an devaluing, never would do the work but be expected to be treated like he did just because he got more secretive about his lies. I mean it was horrible. It was so awful then he blame me for not getting over it when he did NOTHING different but change what I could see. Horrid, I felt like I was in a cage and could not be a human but he sure wanted to say his side full of excuses and blame shifting yet to this day.... no work done, wont listen to anything, still talks with other women on every app there is, lies to me about where he is, wont be accountable... wont listen... then blames me and acts the victim because I wont take it anymore but he clearly doesnt care because he has his many women he flirts with including exs till they see he is the same ol cheating lying narsassit
Hate? Yes I feel hate every day. A serious rage.
So true. My husband let me cry, rage, question for 2 months nearly everyday for hours. Him dealing with the struggle let me see that he actually truly did care about me and our marriage. It helped me heal a lot because of it.
These videos have been super helpful. So thankful that you have these videos and the website. Everything from the site has made the most sense to me compared to other books and websites. Thank you so much for being a resource to help people heal.
Omg. This hit me! Im the betrayed. And it's killing me. 29 years I've been with him and his choice is killing me daily. Im ready to walk away because I feel he just dont get it anymore. He wants no help. He won't talk about this... It's something he wants to just foget about it. Move on and let it be. :'( I can't.
everyday is a battle between walking away or staying…
It's been a year for me. I still hate my husband. He is repulsive.
Did you stay?
Excellent video/advice! His information is so practical and perceptively on point. Sadly, it appears that many of the wayward spouses are often unable to take the steps to move out of the gutter and into the light. Whether due to shame or pride, they cannot reach into their souls to pull out enough true humility (and humanity) to help heal the vile hurt and damage they contributed to the relationship IMHO.
My husband won’t watch these because he refuses to see porn as infidelity. But all of these are hitting me so true. 100%. I wish he would wake up... I love him so much but I don’t trust him at all anymore. Anyway, thank you for these videos.
very welcome, thanks for watching and commenting.
Trust literally went out the window when my husband cheated on me. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. I don't watch him like a hawk because I got completely distressed trying to do that in the beginning. But, trust him again? Maybe. Years ahead. Or never ever. I don't know.
Yeah, that's delulu. Watching other people have fake sex is absolutely infidelity.
I broke my girl. It kills me. I have tried to do anything and everything I can. It's been over a year and she still tells me she's done every couple of weeks. This time seems worse and more real than the others. She thinks I'm a terrible person. Not just someone who made a mistake. She closes off. I have stayed and made every change I have needed... I stick by her... I haven't done the best at not get to g defensive, etc... But I am trying. And this time seems worse than the time before. Although I don't believe she really wants to be done...I do believe that she does feel that way... And I know she wants the pain to go away... And I'd do anything to take it away. We were supposed to get married and I screwed it all up. And it's getting harder and harder to not just give up all together. I hate seeing her hurt. HATE it. But she still thinks I'm doing stupid things.
I can't get her to see someone together... I don't know if she is going to see someone without me... I'm afraid if she doesn't see someone to help her heal, it's only going to get worse... But of course I can't tell her that cause I'm a horrible, lying, selfish, bad human being. I see all these women talk about not being able to get their unfaithful spouse to try or commit or quit messing around or whatever they may be doing... And I literally never even had a second thought about it... And never want to see her hurt anywhere near to this extent ever again. I don't know what else to do... But I don't want to give up on her... No matter how adamant she may be at this time. I just want to be here for her.
what work are you doing for you patrick? are you doing any recovery work?
@@samshealingpodcast I just started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. I'm always reading and trying to better myself and my approach. I've talked with you before. I can't get her to do anything together, but that's just the kind of person she is. She's not a very trusting person to begin with, and she's not big on sharing with anybody, let alone a stranger, but I really think it would help her.
I definitely haven't made it easy at times... But I can look back at those times and make the necessary changes. At times, things are great! But then at times, they're not so great. I love the girl and will not give up... But I'm scrambling and not making things better at times... But I'm constantly working on myself.
If only my partner could have your mindset. I pray to God, he opens his eyes 😔
Thank you for this video. My husband and I went to EMS.. I feel that it did not help us.. my unfaithful husband could not handle the hurt and anger that I was going through And decided that he did not want to live our lives together cuz I was talking and showing my anger about his affairs. He said he didn't want to be together with the tracking and questioning of his whereabouts..he felt like he was in jail so he has asked for a divorce. I am still confused and hurt but not as angry. I asked him if he was happy with his decision And the answer is "I don't know". I feel that he is lost in this world And one day he will realize when it is to late ...
He sounds like he wasn't ready to be accountable and not done with his affairs. Sorry that happened to you, its the worst feeling in life.
my ex same way refused to own his crap, refused to make changes, still cheating to this day but not on me now
AGREE WORST PAIN EVER
Kanika 88 I agree I have not experienced pain like this ever.
After multiple affairs, this last one was strictly an emotional affair has ripped my soul to shreds! PTSD at its highest ever!
Why do I still feel traumatized after 4 years...This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do...
hi fran. often times when we struggle years down the road it's possibly due to a few things. again, possibly as I don't know your total situation but here are a few pointers. 1. unresolved issues like unforgiveness or resentment. 2. we haven't forgiven ourself or our spouse. 3. we're fighting for what once was, but is now gone unable to be retrieved and we won't/don't accept what is. 4. we haven't taken any new action to heal the pain of the past. we can't solve a problem using the same mentality that was present when we created the problem or when the problem came our way so we have to utilize a new approach. 5. finally, sometimes we're angry we didn't do something we said we would do or should do. i'm not sure of your whole story but i hope this helps you.
Fran Crum I hear you Fran… I'm still here honey and I'm still hurting like hell. Kathy W.
Overcoming Infidelity
This was beautifully said
You are not alone, Fran.....
i have been going through the trauma of repeated infedilities with no explanations..he clams up and says sorry and does it again. I know what it feels like .. everyday is a challenge. I am in my 3rd year after his last infidelity and still not feeling better.. theres just alot of pain and nothingness at the same time... I understand Fran Crum...it doesnt seem to go away.. 😣😣😣
we only together for the sake of the children.
I have cptsd my spouse also cheated on me, I feel traumatised and do alone he’s only present if I’m ok he doesn’t answer any questions to give me any closure I’m suffering in silence he leaves me to deal with his infidelity all on my own
i'm very sorry my friend. have you received any help for the cptsd? i hope you can find support and care for you pain.
Samuel said...lol. Yeah we all talk about you several times a day! Thank you 👍
Talking to unfaithful still is not always because We still love them. Some people can’t just walk away from marriage for different reasons and we are also trying to process what just happened in our lives and trying to heal like you said.
One of your realest videos sam and thats saying somthing. Love you brother God bless
My BFF sent my Kelis "I hate you so much right now" and I literally screamed the tune a lot! Or just listened to it. I love my husband, but yes, sometimes I did hate him because he came with dumb comments like: it was just sex, she never meant anything to me, you're overreacting, get over it etc.
Now, he finally understand that I'm hurting like Hades and I'm in pain and trauma after his "little two years it was just sex-affair ". He doesn't wanna talk about Her though, but I need to. I need to understand "it was just sex" and why he did for 2 yrs. My D-day was 27 April 2023, so it's still a bit fresh and raw. I'm calmer, but I get fits of pure rage and crying. Then I lash out, I know it's wrong, but I cannot help myself. It helps a lot listening to your channel, getting more understanding. Thanks for the gift if sharing! I'm very grateful 🙏 Love from Sweden 🌹
Thank you so much for this. I needed this so much. I have been battling with anger which then turns into self hate, depression, anxiety and then just plain hurt...... my partner has betrayed me again for the second time in the last year. He kept the affair going the whole time..... this last week had been so hard on me mentally, I am shattered.... I can’t... it’s just so fkn hard...
Following your videoes ,we are going to therapy, the hate is gone,was able to get the hurt out and yell and scream and cry in a safe place in the therapist office ,it was so helpful ,your videos are very helpful thank you!
means so much to read that kelly. thank you a ton for sharing and encouraging me and the work we do.
One of the best vlogs you have ever done and thats saying a lot.
This was a great video. Speaks to both our pain. 😔
thanks so much for watching and commenting.
Samuel, tha fact that you helped me learn that the lashing out means that they are trying to communicate and fight for us helped me so much kind sir. I would have never understood that alone. Thank you so much
The hardest for me is mustering the courage to talk about it again.11 months after D-Day nothing concrete has been given to me by my spouse who has only acknowledged that he had a special friendship with a girl but has since kept quiet about his promise to disclose details
im sorry for the delay, i was out of town. i'm also sorry for the pain you're in. have you considered using this approach in these articles (they may help): www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
Amazing video, thank you!
Been married for 20 yrs i finally got fed up with the betrayals of my husband , he has another family with the other woman, he says he loves her the same as me, i have so much hate and bitterness, his been cheating with other women as well, i just started to put boundaries for me ,.. I have been trying but now its done
i'm sorry for the shock and pain you're in. i feel so bad for you as that's a lot to process. i hope you can find healing my friend. proud of you for putting up boundaries.
Well, you could dump your husband and go with the other woman that be the perfect way to get back at him without doing your situation. I would actually date the other woman to get back to your husband that’s how you get back to him.
This is so spot on.....these videos have been so helpful. Thank you for your work.....
it's an honor. thanks for watching and commenting my friend.
Hi Samuel , I found out of my husbands affair just 4 days ago. You have completely hit the nail with everything I’m feeling and what’s been going on with me. I haven’t been able to speak to anyone about what has happened. My husband seems very repentant about what he has done. I am feeling so much at once everyday. I have had nightmares every night andi hope that this real life nightmare would come to an end. The pain is like nothing I’d ever felt in my life. It feels like I lost my husband yet he sleeps next to me. It’s like a loss I v e never known. I just am finishing watching your video and everything you are talking about I had been dealing with even before my husband had the real life affair. It started with me finding out he was lusting on social media, then I found porn. From then on I had been dealing with trauma but I didn’t know it. I didn’t get the proper help that I needed. Everyone including his mother brushed it off as if “ all men just did it “. I was triggered whenever my husband would cowar and leave when my emotions inflated, we would argue and my emotions and actions were uncontrollably bad I hate myself for it and I knew there was no excuse. I would lash out even so to get physical which I am so incredibly remorseful and surprised at myself about. It became bad and I noticed really quick that what I was doing was hurting my spouse because I was hurting. I tried to suppress all of my feelings and hurt for long periods of time that I would lash out in anger. My husband would get defensive , cowar , leave and it would leave me feeling angry , resentment , hurt , abandoned. I always felt emotionally and physically abandoned from him. and I tried to get us to go to counseling more than many times. I was hurting I had trauma already and mistrust yet my husband haven’t yet cheated physically. It’s no wonder the Bible teaches “ even if you look at a women and lust , you have already committed adultery in the heart “. I saw all the warning signs before the affair happened I just was lapse and still trying to navigate the immense hurt from his lust and porn addiction which I had already taken as cheating. You’re video has opened my eyes to see the damage and betrayal I had from my spouse had begun way before the real life affair and now all of my emotions have come to make sense. In no way do I feel justified to have gotten physically abrupt with my spouse . At the time I thought it was the only way to made him listen to my pain. I didn’t know what else to do since he would just run away from our problems even before the physical ever started. He pushed blame to me for a long time. Now he stands as the unfaithful and sees how much damage he has caused for having the affair. But he still can’t admit that his porn addiction etc had caused me so much pain to begin with. I had felt the pain and trauma of betrayal even before it happened in real life 🥲💔🥲💔🥲😭 in no way have I ever acted like I was innocent I always took accountability for my actions and the pain I caused him , but he projected all of his issues on me. It made me feel like a monster because I had no idea I was dealing with trauma and had not an absolute soul to help me navigate 💔💔😭😭😭😭
My D-day was 27 April 2023 and I'm devastated. I do lash out, crying, screaming in rage and fury, bad words etc. My husband leaves the room, I follow him, raging. I'm trying not to, but dang! It's so hard not to because I am furious.
What calms me down though is really cold showers, baths (I live in Sweden so the lake we live nearby can be pretty cold) and that helps a lot. It gives me an adrenaline kick.
We're mending our marriage because I still love him, but there are days that just sucks.
Strength and love to you from Sweden 💗
My therapist, my sponsor, and my friends tell me that physical abuse is never anything someone should stick around for whether they are the betrayed or the unfaithful. That said, I think the gold in this video is the enlightening thought of how if As the unfaithful you can tolerate their rage and the heat of their emotions, be able to see those emotions as part of their healing process and still remain calm and emotionally available for them, you become safe to them. Before now, I hadn’t thought of enduring my partners rage and anger and unsupportive, nasty comments as a way to support their healing. Learning to control my own emotions has become invaluable in this journey. Reading “your erroneous zones” has been eye-opening to me. And I think pairs well with this message.
Sam thank you as always for putting this Contant out there and helping out so many including me.
Oh Samual. Thank you. When I first started listening to you I pinned you for being a bit of a cheater apologist. I might even have been one of the “crazy” ones. Months later I realize you are normally right This video made me realize how you really “get it”. Thank you for all your videos.
Absolutely! Thank you Samuel🙏🏻
My spouse has left 18mths ago for a work colleague and doesn’t want to come back, I don’t think I could take him back either but I am still so angry and now I understand it’s a trauma.
Hi Samuel! I got married 5 months ago and found out last month that my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes for the last 12 months! He says it was just sex, that he regrets it and that he loves me but I can not deal with this. We’ve been together for 6 years and I just feel that my relationship, my wedding was all a big joke! We’ve spoken so much but nothing is changing in me! I am angry and so hurt! I can’t remove from my head the images of him with other women, it makes me sick!
PleaSe help!
hi there. the best suggestions I could make would be to consider the ems weekend before you end the marriage: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend i would also consider getting help for you through a few mediums. one is our course on the site for betrayed spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope also, you've probably been traumatized. are you doing any work for trauma, like EMDR or ETT or anything like that? do you have any support groups you're working with?
It would be nice if people could actually afford this kind of program for recovery. :/ 29 years w my spouse is worth it in my eyes. He cheated on me and I am finding it hard to stay with him because I see no hope anymore. I hear sorry from him all the time but he choses too not get involved. So Its time. I worry about "Me" not us anymore. I feel I'm the only one trying to talk trying to work things out. Its frustrating. :/
@@glendatalamantes8106 try an online course as there are very real and attainable scholarships you can apply for in regards to all of the online courses: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
I'm so sorry RW. Just awful. Your unfaithful spouse saying it was "just sex" so dismissively. Like it's something cheap. Sick. Bet he never learned how to love and cherish. Take care of you. Safeguard your health both physical, financial and mental. Gbya
Listening.
Thank you.
With my wife it was actually three different men, (that I know about) and she attempted to devalue and discard (gaslight) me.
I found out by seeing hundreds of (she didn't delete anything) text
messages. Nasty stuff and lots of vulgar pictures.
She tried to Hoover me back up and I went along for the sake of my family, finances and because I didn't want to be alone.
It's so much hurt. I just don't know how to get along.
i would get help asap my friend. you need help to care for the trauma you've been through. look at harboring hope on our site, and see if you can find an expert trauma specialist in your area that can help you heal. i'm so sorry
Hi Beans
I hope you are doing much better a year later.
I understand the pain my wife has cheated so many times and once a man answered the hotel phone and laughed at me
When I realized her cheating had NOTHING to do with me as a man that helped
I hope from the depth of my heart you find healing
I cried hearing this one. I get it’s hard for him but at times, most times since he’s been watching these videos and doing his work, he is tender and loving and lets me push and rage and cry. It is like this very long battle and I am fighting for me.
I laughed at the "pursuing you with sharp objects." 😂
I want to hate my husband but I can’t because I feel he hates himself . So I just turn my hate inward and hate myself .
Did Samantha tell you in the beginning that she doesn’t even know if she wants to try with you or not? I’m struggling with this. She flips between being angry at me and just ignoring me. It is beginning of week two. There have been very few positives even at this point but she says she doesn’t know if we can come back from this and doesn’t know how she feels. But she keeps saying “We’ll see (if I can live up to the man I want to be for her, myself, and my family)” I just don’t know if it’s really that there’s love she can’t trust me with or if I really don’t matter to her anymore. She also doesn’t reach out to me a lot without me reaching out. I just am worried she will decide against working on our marriage and processing what I did.
You say to get in there with them while they are hurt and hug them and love them and not retreat.... my bs doesn't want my touch, attention, consideration, love ect.
We are stuck in the same house without a way for space...with kids... im lost.
I'm hoping my wife comes around. I can't let anything out, and if I try she runs or gets defensive. Almost 3 months out from dday. Maybe she'll see this video
i hope so. you're coming to the ems weekend too right? that will help immensely.
Overcoming Infidelity Yes we are. I hope it does, Samuel.
OK, so my wife is now began to truly unload on me where she was not before after the discovery of the infidelity and everything and this was almost a year ago when D-Day occurred, and she was kind of trickle showing her emotions because of my Neuro divergency in my ADHD and slight autism that I have I don’t handle others emotions well I don’t know how to deal with. I tend to run and hide. I’m trying to learn how to. I want some steps on how to not to run because right now she unloaded on me so hard last nightThat I felt like I was a child who just got in trouble for stealing cookies I literally didn’t know what to do. I just stared at her blankly because I had no recourse. I wanna know how or something I should be doing steps. Acknowledge your emotions and show her I’m there rather than running and hiding.
Believe me many men get betrayed as well. You've forgotten us. Why ?
Can I send that to my unfaithful husband that he is with her and lives with her
I hate my husband, it's been four years.
I do not hate my True Husband .Matter of fact I am Still in Love with him.He has been my whole world I may have straid but I stood by him threw thick and thin allot more that I can say for him.But no matter I am still In Love with him.And Still want him to come back into my life.
12-24 months?!?
I could spend that time doing something fun and enjoyable...
Um.
That might be answer. Lol. Poor hubs.