Dr. Gabor Maté | Working with guilt through compassionate inquiry
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- čas přidán 19. 04. 2021
- In this video, Dr. Gabor Maté works with compassionate inquiry to guide me through some lingering guilt I have about not being a good enough parent!
Here's the description from Rebel Wisdom for the session.
Dr. Gabor Maté is a bestselling author and one of the world's leading voices in the science of the mind-body connection, healing addiction and transforming trauma. In this episode of the Wisdom Gym, he talks about how the pandemic is affecting our ability to connect, and what we can do in relation to it. He also demonstrates a powerful psychotherapeutic approach he has developed called Compassionate Inquiry and answers audience questions.
You can watch the full session video here - • Connection & Covid wit...
Thanks to the Rebel Wisdom Crew for putting this event together! It's been awesome. Check out Rebel Wisdom - rebelwisdom.co.uk
Peace
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''No matter how much help I get I'm still not worthy of getting it''. Mike - thank you for your vulnerability. Your words certainly resonate. You are worthy, brother.
Thanks Will! That’s the narrative of that voice. It certainly doesn’t have as much real estate in my mind as it used to, but it can pop up from time to time :)
I'm Sorry
For many years, I carried deep feelings of guilt with me. Which have shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized to a person, for something. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself, for many years. Until I realized that the one I really needed to apologize to was myself. I tortured myself the most. So I apologize to myself for what I did to myself. And the intention to apologize is everything. So I find my innocence, which I had once lost; again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my guilt. And thus I do no harm to others. Because I am at peace with myself and thereby with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you carry feelings of guilt with you. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts suffering and apologizing takes away suffering. "Anyway" and "Yes" are the words that enable me to apologize to myself. Because I get impulses to get back into the hamster wheel of apologizing or torturing myself for certain things. But I say, "Yes, I'm apologizing to myself anyway." And I apologize to others when it's my free choice. And I use these two methods to do that. By either apologizing to people personally or apologizing to people within myself, if I don't want to make it personal. Because the honest intention is enough.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this personalized session with Dr. Mate for all of us to benefit from.
Thank you for the kind words, for taking the time to watch. I'm glad you found it beneficial. Take it easy!
This wonderful exchange shows us how as humans we complicate things. Dr. Mate gets right to the heart of the matter. Thanks to both of you for doing this exercise. It allows each of us to see ourselves. Dr. Mate because you have done a lot of work on yourself, you are bringing a great gift to the world. Thank you for your compassionate approach to therapy.
You can see more on ADHD here ADHD, Goals, Focus, Executive Functioning and More! with Psychiatrist Dr Kenny Hendelman
czcams.com/video/JrFI0Ma7ZWM/video.html
I'm Sorry
For many years, I carried deep feelings of guilt with me. Which have shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized to a person, for something. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself, for many years. Until I realized that the one I really needed to apologize to was myself. I tortured myself the most. So I apologize to myself for what I did to myself. And the intention to apologize is everything. So I find my innocence, which I had once lost; again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my guilt. And thus I do no harm to others. Because I am at peace with myself and thereby with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you carry feelings of guilt with you. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts suffering and apologizing takes away suffering. "Anyway" and "Yes" are the words that enable me to apologize to myself. Because I get impulses to get back into the hamster wheel of apologizing or torturing myself for certain things. But I say, "Yes, I'm apologizing to myself anyway." And I apologize to others when it's my free choice. And I use these two methods to do that. By either apologizing to people personally or apologizing to people within myself, if I don't want to make it personal. Because the honest intention is enough.
Dr. Gabor, cannot put into words how much I appreciate the opportunity to listen to You. I share a second WW experience with You, on a different level, as an evicted individual, in childhood, from my Homeland.
Thanks for watching and sharing your experience!
i understand what you’re saying , my parents , children atm, also became Heimatvertriebene aus OS . and I as their child born a decade after , have to deal with their trauma and work it out in me .
@@gailalbers1430 Thanks for watching and sharing your thoughts
Thank you for sharing this and Mr Maté for your questions, your kindness and gentleness.
I have the same guilt over my son who is autistic ( I think I shut him up when he was two years old) and I do know that the guilt was here before. I could not make my parents happy nor my teachers. Too heavy!! Thank you.
Peace be with us all.
I'm Sorry
For many years, I carried deep feelings of guilt with me. Which have shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized to a person, for something. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself, for many years. Until I realized that the one I really needed to apologize to was myself. I tortured myself the most. So I apologize to myself for what I did to myself. And the intention to apologize is everything. So I find my innocence, which I had once lost; again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my guilt. And thus I do no harm to others. Because I am at peace with myself and thereby with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you carry feelings of guilt with you. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts suffering and apologizing takes away suffering. "Anyway" and "Yes" are the words that enable me to apologize to myself. Because I get impulses to get back into the hamster wheel of apologizing or torturing myself for certain things. But I say, "Yes, I'm apologizing to myself anyway." And I apologize to others when it's my free choice. And I use these two methods to do that. By either apologizing to people personally or apologizing to people within myself, if I don't want to make it personal. Because the honest intention is enough.
I believe I didn’t make my parents happy as I “disobeyed” them. They disliked me for being myself and still do
It happens to me too. I have Narcisistic parents and have gone throu so much abuse even sexual abuse from them. So I have no contact with them anymore. Hope you feel ok and forgive yourself
Another profound and touching segment. Thank you! Love Gabor Mate's compassionate and humble attitude.
We send to send this to trump's family and bidens family. It would help them he themselves. Before God. God bless our families and nations.
A real "lightbulb" moment for me regarding my own stuff.
Hey Wayne! Thank you for your comment and sharing this moment. I’m glad to hear it was helpful. Take it easy,
A man with so much self awareness
He has also learned well from Marshall Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication. Maybe with the good doctors help, we can shift our language away from making other people responsible for our feelings. Respectful Parents/Respectful Kids is a good book for parenting this way.
I agree the NVC stuff is great!
brave!his children are lucky to have such a great person for a father💪well done man!
Hey, thanks so much for the kind note 🙏
wow, I'm in tears...
I hope that’s in a healing and open way. There was something quite special about this moment. Thanks for taking the time to watch and share your thoughts!
Hi am from Scotland , Dundee where we have the highest drug related deaths in the UK. I am reducing on methadone at this moment. I have had addiction problems for over 20 years. And I am about to come to a stage where I'll be on 30 ml. The system here have closed there doors. ( So I am doing this reduction without any real focus). I've just had enough of dysfunction and drugs. ( I've been clean of heroin for 6 years. But on methadone a further 10 years. I'm 41 now and I've worked hard within myself to stay in control. I would be open to any help you can give me. Drug workers in Dundee are literally chasing doctors to get a prescription sighned. They don't want change here. I also lost my younger brother in 2017 , due to similar circumstances. So I know I'm facing " real emotion" as this toxic chemicals leave me. I have a deep understanding of my own addiction. I just need some professional support. Talking to be acknowledged , that's it. Thank you if you get this.
@@sherylmac40 Hi Sheryl, thank you so much for taking the time to watch and to share your experience. If you'd like to discuss further, please get in touch with me at mike@startswithme.ca I'm happy to have discussion with you and to see if there's any help or direction I can provide for you. I wish you the best, take it easy, peace
This short video has helped me to discover something very deep that my therapist never taught me. Dr Mate you are truly a gem,you were put on this earth to help so many,your compassion and your discernment are on an other level.
Thankyou❤🙏
So glad you found it useful!
I'm Sorry
For many years, I carried deep feelings of guilt with me. Which have shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized to a person, for something. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself, for many years. Until I realized that the one I really needed to apologize to was myself. I tortured myself the most. So I apologize to myself for what I did to myself. And the intention to apologize is everything. So I find my innocence, which I had once lost; again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my guilt. And thus I do no harm to others. Because I am at peace with myself and thereby with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you carry feelings of guilt with you. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts suffering and apologizing takes away suffering. "Anyway" and "Yes" are the words that enable me to apologize to myself. Because I get impulses to get back into the hamster wheel of apologizing or torturing myself for certain things. But I say, "Yes, I'm apologizing to myself anyway." And I apologize to others when it's my free choice. And I use these two methods to do that. By either apologizing to people personally or apologizing to people within myself, if I don't want to make it personal. Because the honest intention is enough.
This was just so touching, so compassionate, so reflective. Your presence is such a bliss Dr.Mate. thank you for all your work and for the way you put yourself out there.😊🙏🙏
I’m in
This blew my mind!!!!
Dr Gabor Mate you will never ever look incompetent!!! I’m sending you and your staff lots of love!! Thank you!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
This helped me so much. Thank you for being generous with your heart and mind.
You are so welcome, I'm so glad you found it helpful
I'm Sorry
For many years, I carried deep feelings of guilt with me. Which have shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized to a person, for something. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself, for many years. Until I realized that the one I really needed to apologize to was myself. I tortured myself the most. So I apologize to myself for what I did to myself. And the intention to apologize is everything. So I find my innocence, which I had once lost; again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my guilt. And thus I do no harm to others. Because I am at peace with myself and thereby with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you carry feelings of guilt with you. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts suffering and apologizing takes away suffering. "Anyway" and "Yes" are the words that enable me to apologize to myself. Because I get impulses to get back into the hamster wheel of apologizing or torturing myself for certain things. But I say, "Yes, I'm apologizing to myself anyway." And I apologize to others when it's my free choice. And I use these two methods to do that. By either apologizing to people personally or apologizing to people within myself, if I don't want to make it personal. Because the honest intention is enough.
Not sure that I have any words. Today I have been meditating on my own guilt of how I have been treating my son under the influence. This is my answer. Thank you sir.
I'm glad you found it helpful and that it brought you some clarity. Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment.
Great wise man. We need to listen to his lectures and combine his wisdom and gods grace. That's the winning combination
He is a wise man indeed. Thanks for taking the time to watch and share your thoughts!
Absolutely brilliant!
Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment!
thankyou this talk an excellent example in action 🙏🌹
Omg ! Thank you so much
The biggest gift to our children is our own happiness. So true.
Guilt is a like mask, secondary gain in guilt regrain in our mind, it is hard to clean but it can be diminished if we are aware enough. Guilt makes traumatized families and trauma makes more guilt.
Thanks for watching Donna! I’m glad you found it helpful. 🙏
I'm Sorry
For many years, I carried deep feelings of guilt with me. Which have shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized to a person, for something. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself, for many years. Until I realized that the one I really needed to apologize to was myself. I tortured myself the most. So I apologize to myself for what I did to myself. And the intention to apologize is everything. So I find my innocence, which I had once lost; again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my guilt. And thus I do no harm to others. Because I am at peace with myself and thereby with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you carry feelings of guilt with you. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts suffering and apologizing takes away suffering. "Anyway" and "Yes" are the words that enable me to apologize to myself. Because I get impulses to get back into the hamster wheel of apologizing or torturing myself for certain things. But I say, "Yes, I'm apologizing to myself anyway." And I apologize to others when it's my free choice. And I use these two methods to do that. By either apologizing to people personally or apologizing to people within myself, if I don't want to make it personal. Because the honest intention is enough.
Why say sorry? Thanks for sharing your wisdom 🙏
Thats really deep man thanks
Thank you for watching and for the encouraging words!
Wow - so powerful! Thank you.
Hi Denise, thanks so much for watching and for the kind and encouraging words!
Inquiry, especially somatic inquiry can be so transformative and powerful. I can recommend the Kiloby inquiries for emotion work to anyone struggling. At least to give it a try if you never have and are looking for ways to work on it
hes got me crying already
Astonishingly accurate into the depths of this person's trauma origin in such a short period of time. If only we could see it as well, perhaps a lifetime wouldn't be spent trying 2 understand & cope. Thank u Dr. Gabor Mate & 2 the gentleman who asked what many couldn't.
Thank you for taking the time to watch and share your thoughts!
That was amazing
Thanks for taking the time to watch and for the encouraging words :)
He's a great mentor counselor and gives great insights.
Agreed!!
Incredible. Thank you Dr. Gabor you freed me from the guilt 😘
Thanks for watching and I'm glad you found it helpful!
Yes.
Thank you for this treasure of knowledge.
Our pleasure!
Bravo Dr J 😊
Thanks so much to everyone who made this video possible. It resonates so much... It made me cry. It's good to get in touch with all these feelings. It's good to know we're not alone. It's good. :-)
Thank you so much for taking the time to watch and respond. I’m glad you found it helpful and meaningful. May you be well.
Peace
Beautiful..
Thank you so much for taking the time to watch and for the encouraging words!
I wish I could have a conversation with you. So much wisdom
Imagine being a Christian and most sermons are guilt ridden messages.....you're a sinner, repent, you're not pleasing God, you didn't tithe enough, you did t give and serve enough, and on and on....exhausting!
Yes, that sounds quite difficult to deal with and I imagine something that you notice in relationship to your other experiences? How have you navigated these feelings and how do you work with them?
My reply is that I try to tell myself the truth about the situations. The truth is I do t have to do anything to receive the love of God and He knows my best, my motives, my pocketbook, etc. I often thine about a struggling single mother, a widow on a fixed income, etc. Does God love them less? NO.. Or how about people in third world countries? So, when I hear these manipulative, guilt producing messages I have to remind myself of the truth and it helps sometimes. I just wanted to p!ease the Lord and these phonies prey on that! God help them.
I grew up in a "Christian" home where I was forever told I was evil and going to hell. I've worked my whole adult life on healing and have improved in some areas. When I was watching this and feeling similar feelings of guilt, my answer from when it started was "my whole life". I find it so difficult to let go of the guilt that I wasn't who my parents wanted me to be.
❤️❤️
💜
I do
This is what I just realized" That I carry guilt bc everyone in my family sufferred enormously, and so I thought it was because I couldn;t make God happy. "If God were happy he wouldn't create this much suffering" and so I feel guilty for disappointing God, which also fits in with the Superego model. .
Thanks for taking the time to watch and share your experience. How have you navigated this or how are you relating to this experience now?
@@StartsWithMeChannel At first, I was angry at my parents; then I realized they were just playing out their past trauma. The drama of the year this year, is to be angry at the Metaphysical movement. It still creates much an enormous amount of pain and stress in my life when people I'm in a relationship with are not happy; my coping mechanism continues to be avoidance.
@@govbop Thanks for the honesty and your ability for self-reflection is honourable. How are you practicing opening up and being present with that avoidance? Is there a video or something I can do to help you with that?
@@StartsWithMeChannel Thanks so much for your thoughtful and supportive comments. I think at this point the challenge is to carve out more personal time because I've allowed the demands of work to dominate my life too much, partly out of economic fear, and partly because I'm trying to please my boss or my referral source or my clients. And, of course w Covid, I need to be more intentional with things. Activity partners is the goal now, then friends, then relationships, I think is the way to pursue this
Thanks for sharing your experience, I find it very brave.
I always thought Gabor Maté mixes Somatic Experiencing with Compassionate Inquiry. Is this correct?
He seems to do talk therapy and body sensations together. But Peter Levine said talk therapy does not work for healing trauma??? Thanks in advance
Hey! Thanks for taking the time to watch and for the thoughtful question. I couldn’t speak on behalf of Gabor in terms of his psychotherapeutic approach, although I would tend to agree with Peter Levine, we have to go into your body’s and process our past traumas through the emotions/body through a combination of guided visualization and writing and talking That’s my Cole’s notes answer to a question that is difficult to answer concisely.
Hello everyone, would you know where to watch the whole session? Thank you.
Hey, sorry I thought I left that link in the description - here's the link to the full session. czcams.com/video/YAIXaclEiEw/video.html
@@StartsWithMeChannel thank you so so much for your quick response 🌹
Is this from a compassionate inquiry practitioners training session?
No it wasn't, although what I think helped make it more meanigful and effective is that I've had a lot of training myself in self-compassion practices and have done a lot of personal work and I'm also a psychotherapist. I think this insight helped me frame the situation and articulate it in such a way that Gabor was able to focus in on and address the specific guilt I was carrying around. I hope that helps put more context to this video.
@@StartsWithMeChannel thanks to you and your openness! Let's go forward and making ourselves happy to make the world a better place.
Thanks for the encouraging note! I agree :) one day and one moment at a time. Take it easy, peace
What do we do with this ancient guilt?
It takes practice no doubt. I did my best to make a video to discuss this further, you can watch it here - czcams.com/video/GU7T7TH_yu0/video.html
I am also going to make another video commenting on this video with more insight and thoughts about what was discussed.
What is this session? Why are there so many people? Is he still doing this? If yes, how can one participate?
The info about the session is in the description. You can check out Rebel Wisdom
What happens once you discover how far it goes back to???
You start healing from that point forward. Remember you only ever live in the present moment and your healing can only happen now or at your moments of awareness.
too bad i didn't have something like this with my parents but only narcissist therapists who changed the trajectory of our lives
That sounds difficult, the gift I was reminded of from this experience is that we always have a choice to change and to interrupt the patterns and thus transform our suffering into healing and well-being.
Is guilt necessary for the development of a good heathy conscience.
Hey Michael, yes! I would say there’s definitely positive aspects to guilt and shame. You might call it “pro-social” shame or guilt. I think what matters most is how we respond to those emotions and how we change our behaviour to reduce or prevent the behaviour from happening again.
Can I be able to talk sir
Addiction traumatic childhood.catholic divorced mom and dad 1970.Excamunicated.Brother murdered a young lady.A year or so after he left College.He had a 4 year football scholarship that he lost.theres more I need a little help gambling machines and...
Hey Michael, that sounds like you've been through a lot! I hope you're finding the help that you need and are doing what you can to heal from your difficult life experience.
When you catastrophise you let your kids and yourself down
Gabor Mate MD PhD ❤