Caramelldansen playing in another room but it's me at 35 years of age
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- čas přidán 21. 04. 2023
- I was born with severe asperger and a small amygdala which has only given me difficulties throughout my life.
In my early day of up to 4-7 years of age my mom abused me physically for not doing what she expected me to do which has had negative impact on me. Like for example I was beaten for not doing caligraphy work for school properly to start learning how to write letters at the age of 5 and many such cases.
Then later on starting from the fragile age of just 7 years, I was bullied and ostracized by 3 kids, against whom I hold a deep grudge even now, (like I cannot rest and put the past behind me until I have killed them or something similar because my vengeance is not satiated and I DO NOT care if an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, if I had to be blinded because of them, so shall they), not just at school, but at an after-school as well because I had the misfortune of going to an afterschool to do my homework at the same place all 3 of them went (there were also other kids from my class but that didn't matter) and they did the same thing that they did while at school with me; so basically I was marginalized about 70% of the time, and the other 30% of the time I had issues at home because we were very poor (I live in Romania and in 2008 both of my parents were without a job and only had income of about 300 euros from an apartment that we rented out to somebody).
And if it wasn't enough that I was being bullied for behaving differently, I was also physically and verbally bullied for having a hideous face, which I still believe to this very day ( I was called things like "Moley" and "Soresy" because of the moles that I had developed because of unlucky genetic lottery); I cannot look in the mirror without starting to feel disgusted and wanting to smash the glass just so that I don't have to see myself in the mirror; I hate everything about the person that is described as me, from the physical, to the emotional and behaveural aspect.
Which brings me to another point: I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like I am 50 different personalitites in one, because I had developed borderline personality disorder to keep up with the social rejection that I was getting, together with self-esteem problems that come along with it.
All of that have only exacerbated the underlying problems of autism that I have had but that weren't obvious (I have taken a asperger test and I scored a 165/200 autistic and 75/200 normal), which have only worsened my way of approaching people to the point where I don't even want to approach people anymore.
And here is the problem: I hate that I have experienced all of the above and that I was basically robbed the opportunity to have a fairly normal life as opposed to a life that is spiraling downwards, a life that I am sick and tired of living, a life that makes me wish death each and every day just to take me out of the role of observer from this role. I have never had a girlfriend, despite me wanting to have one, I have never experienced what most people would call "love", all I've known was suffering, expectations, pain, lack of creativity and lack of a purpose to keep going.
While streamers like xQc, HasanAbi, Asmongold, etc get to live a life doing what they wanted to do, I have to think about how and what I should do to keep myself afloat, and I am sick and tired of a world that makes me need to do that. I want to truly kill myself and put an end to all this misery that I've had to live through.
I can't even be good at what I wanted to at least be partially good at (osu). Also "go touch some grass" or "go outside" also doesn't work, because all that happens when I do that is that I see all these other people who at least seem to have fun with their significant other and it makes me want to take that away form them, because I've never had somebody like that and it hurts me so bad on the inside. Pain begets pain
Another fact is the fact that I have always felt that I was born the wrong gender, like I feel like I as a boy am misplaced in its cathegory, even my family members saying "With the way you behave, you should've been born a girl; your own sister is more boy than you are" I hate the fact that I was born a male from the darkest place of my heart and here's the kicker: I would rather put an end to my life than attempt to do the "makeshift" solution to this problem, I reject the trans solution completely, I'd rather die by my own hand than undergo any of that, which is what I will do
I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THAT I HAVE HAD GONE THROUGH AND AS SOON AS MY PARENTS KICK THE BUCKET, SO SHALL I, EXACTLY LIKE IN THE PICTURE ABOVE, I SHALL LEAVE THIS WORLD FULL OF MISERY AND HATE THAT HAS SHUNNED ME FOR WHAT I WAS AND AS SUCH I SHALL SHUN IT TOO WITH ALL IT HAS TO OFFER.
If things keep developing the way they are and I don't find somebody to give what I deem as love to, exactly as I want to, I will finally do as I have mentioned. - Hry
![•Caramelldansen• [slowed + from another room]🌸](/img/n.gif)
I have uploaded two follow-up videos in relation to this video, videos that have been recorded on 5th and 6th of May 2023 but I made them public after much consideration and hesitation. No matter what happens I will not take them down, because if things get a lot worse than they are right now and I reach maximum insanity, I want people to know how many levels of fucked-up someone has to be to do things that I may/may not end up doing. What I describe in these videos are my real thoughts and high mental instability that I have to fight against day-in, day-out with no end in sight (it's like I am fighting ten demons at the same time and I'm only one, due to the fact that I am indeed all alone, no matter who says that I am not alone, because I certainly DO FEEL like I am alone and comments of platitudes really don't help much, like the ones that go "you are loved", when that is simply not congruent with the reality that I had to live in and it just comes off as jarring), and as such I've come to the conclusion that the only solution that finally puts an end to this situation forever is the absolute extreme solution. Anything else feels like a half-measure. I have nothing and nobody dear to live for and every time I make an attempt to change that, I am reminded why I am in the situation that I have been in for so long (autism is a real disease and it affects the social health, at least it did and still does it for me). The only thing that's sort of keeping me alive are my parents and once they're gone, I'm telling you there won't be any other chains or bars that will be able to keep me in the prison that calls itself life, because I truly believe from all of my past experiences that I do not belong here on this plane of existence and every other interaction that I've had so far has further just confirmed my already set-in-stone belief. Any further (non-mental) health declines and I will be finally calling it quits and hopefully with that my soul will also be destroyed forever so that I shall never come back to such a place of pain and utter misery. I just feel like I was robbed of good life and the only way to spit back into the face of the robbers is by ending it all together. I am not glad to be alive at all. If I find anything else to add to this comment, I will make separate entries called "Edit:", but until then, this is all.
Try going out and meet some More people?
Unfortunate and harsh reality, no one is gonna Pat your Back and tell you its gonna Be alright, you choose your path, your choices are The result of your futyre.
Depression is a bitch, hard to get pass it, from experience i can say this. But once you find things that makes you feel better, depression is just a menory.
Now quit whining about that situation, theres many More worse things that people has to face everyday.
If you got apartment, income, someone to Be in touch, i think thats quite good situation.
Thoughts that makes you feel deep and heavy, work them out.
No one in The end helps you except The person on The mirror.
Also to add up, you got good points about things.
All those rich, famous etc people got their lives way much better and good Happy, while we poor and such people almost everyday just try to live enough Happy, satisfied with things that makes us live another day.
Ive had myself shit to go through, tried to tell My feelings for some but received less that what i felt like needing.
Later on, i have grown up and realized that i am The one who works for My own happiness.
If you feel like you got no friends, go and meet people.
Not everyone likes you, but youll meet people who likes your company for whatsoever reason.
I have autism too and ive heard that same saying from my boomer neighbor (youare loved). What I find unbearable is that for the most part theres absolutely nothing wrong with me. When im at my best acting people paint me into a corner and won't let me change and won't let me rise above my mistakes. When i try to get family to admit to things theyve done they would rather lie to me, themselves, and eachother.
I feel like I'm going insane going in circles about the things i wish i could forgive people and the world about. Im filled with this intense bitterness that i almost wish wasn't justified. It hurts so much that it is. I wish it was as simple as me being crazy but its not.
I wont tell you not to leave, because thats not fair. Yeah, i don't wanna roll the dice on reincarnation either, hopefully we never have to come back to this bullshit. Im over it.
Finally attracted a midfemanon and im just emotionally impotent. Shes a 6.5 and shes nice and flirty, but im over it.
Read "transurfing, how to change your reality." Not necessarily to change your reality, but to understand that thoughts have gravity. If you actually try to understand the concept it can be existentially beautiful, and it can actually be existentially terrifying, because it can intensify your existing bitterness when you actually internalize the ideas and put it over the backdrop of your past life.
Sometimes your phone listens and gives you personalized ads. Thats not supernatural.
What is most definitely supernatural is when you are in a SCIF and something shows up on CZcams that you were just talking about with your mates. I can guarantee siri isn't spying on the government.
These phenomena would happen to me in hindsight well before smartphones.
The recommendation might seem random and cringey but it might change your perspective on life. Also, NDE testimonies have helped me. Theres too much correlation between NDE testimonies to ignore. Im sure some of those people are shills, but look into those channels.
My takeaway from "Transurfing" is kind of like were low level "aware" matrix operators. Not likely to break the laws of the matrix, just bend them slightly, like a weak magnet affecting its surroundings.
What really opened my mind to the idea of what i thought was bullshit was when the book talked about schools of fish. It made too much sense and i started to see it everywhere.
Honestly no one can know anyone's exact situation but Ive been through a true mental hellscape where almost everything is disturbing. Sorrow, misery, despair and more fucked shit was constant. Feeling no sense of joy for over a year. Only reason I didn't kill myself was I didn't want to put others through the pain of my death and whatever that would entail. I've been there twice. Though I think there's a point where one breaks and apathy kicks in which is far more preferable. Depression sucks but it's better then mental hell. Getting sleep helps to heal and gets you out faster. Good food too. Life is all about perspective and sometimes one has to break before they can change it. I'm 100% still a looser but I can change that when I'm ready. I've found a way to be content with life after the 1st time and I'm starting to after last time. Drugs are unpredictable and can fuck shit up more but to sleep every now and then might be necessary as long as there not overdone with the hardcore ones. Please if you know your gonna harm anyone else know you could mess up other lives in abstract ways. I'd rather someone kill themselves then intentionally fuck up others lives unless their like human traffickers or something absolutely evil. I'd get it I'd rather be tortured and loose a limb yet end up content then go through that again.
You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about your life. Change cannot be given to you. You must bring the change. There are other people who has it worse than you but are still living. I have seen some of you videos and you're a handsome youn man full of potentials. By giving up you're basically letting all those pos that bullied you win. You're letting this life that treated you unfairly win. Do you want that to be the case? I don't think a yt comment could stop you from doing whatever you're about to do. But I just want you to know that death is not the solution.
When you ask yourself "why am I not putting an end to my suffering" and the only argument is "it would make my mother sad" it doesn't feel good bros.
I meet you everywhere.
For me it's my Abuela, I'm fairly certain everyone else will be better off without me. Hopefully that changes but hope is mostly gone.
well, go and talk with ur mom if u love her that much, just imagine THE WASTE of time u made ur parents invest in you, for just killing urself, like, come on, have some decency with the people who worked hard on u.
for me its "it would be painfull" Tbh I don't care anything about after my death but I don't want to die with pain
@@kumsaati4120 that's why you use an exit bag or impove your life.
This dude needs a hug, and for his life to get better.
a hug is a temporary fix for a permanent problem
@UnitTrace 🤡
@@etasjo No it's not my friend
He doesnt need anymore. He solved it by himself.
damn bruh yall don't got to make everything gloomy
I hope you are fine man.
@@UnitTracei agree (literally me)
No. To such a person, death is a savior from misery. This might sound horrible to healthy, until you discover the extent to which humans are made to endure
Endure pain and make money
im not sad dont worry i just want to die cuz why not👌👌😂😂
Tell us what is so funny
What 35 years of thuggin it out looks like
hahahahaha so funny 😂😂😂😂😭
LIKE THIS GENIUENLY MADE ME CRY WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU
@@mr.duckie._.People deal with fucked up information in different ways. There are several fields where reacting this way is actually incredibly useful. Before you go judging others, consider that they may also may be upset but simply process it differently.
@@EE-jv5xg well what do i do now? do i delete the comment?
@@mr.duckie._. no
Me when I discover how to finally find peace
me real soon at the ripe old age of 25
Me turning 26…..
Same
I just turned 20 what should I know
@@LordDeathAku prepare to be crushed by new, impossible to solve problems and being expected to fix them. That’s basically life after you turn 20.
Heyyyy I'm 24 only a few months to go baby 🎉
Caramelldansen playing in another room but it's me at february 14 2024
Real, lonely ass Valentine’s Day😔
she destroyed the rose I gave to her:)
Ay bro plz tell me you didn’t actually do it.
update?
I'm sorry the world is so fucked up man. You deserve a better life than what you've had
He didn't mean u
@@Foxzyz_theriaxn you’re right🫡
Thanks, I appreciate your kind words whatever you are, It's doesn't matter, you cool!
maybe he doesn't
School: Starts at 5:50
Me at 3:99 am:
Dude's bout to resurrect himself when the clock hits 5:50
3:99 lmao
The second I saw the thumbnail, I knew this wasn't going to be good. I'm sorry about your troubles. Please get help.
please don't
@@arturocordova5670 imagine being a part of the brainrot series and literally going out commenting brainrot in vent videos
man the youtube rabbit hole has brought me to some wild shit
My brain when minor inconvenience
Ахахаха, чувак, ты заставил меня посмеяться на грани самоубийства 😂😂😂😂
real
not funny bro
really dark image but honestly this song does feel like a fever dream when you're tired of lime and best you can do is just go fast pace but distorted
feel the same way bout this song and you heard? music can reflect you yourself somehow
That's life in general for someone with a mental illness living in a major city. Cities are so fast-paced but cold and unforgiving. People tend to disguise the negatives with positives, but in reality it's only going to get so much worse.....
Reality is brutal, and we as people simply force ourselves to live in delusions to keep ourselves happy. Once the illusion breaks, so does said person. I understand your state of mind to an extreme, as I've been there for over a decade. I won't say saccharin words to make you feel better, as we genuinely don't know each other at all and they would come off as empty. But I can empathise with you though, despite being a stranger. I'm sorry you have to go through so much suffering.
whomp whomp
@@arturocordova5670 hey dude are u good
@@shikuro6099 ???
@@shikuro6099 wdym
Ya know,at times like these,you should be hard headed and continue living.Despite the world trying to knock you down,you shouldnt end it,just to prove a point,you shoulx persevere.
YOU CAN DO IT LAD!
STAY STRONG!
no, let him do it
Zamn. I took the time to read the description, and I feel a strong kinship with what you've been through. My experience isn't exact, but I went through a similar hellish endeavour that I struggle to find motivation for anything. Most of my adolescence is a dissociative blur because of how much sheer stress I was put under from school and the social scenarios I had to endure. Literally, more than 10 years of my life and development are just non-existent to me because people couldn't leave me alone or recognise I have some kind of neurodivergent disorder, and instead decided to just treat me like shit. Hell, I'm pretty sure everything I've been through has given me some kind of split personality, because it feels like there's more than one person up in my head. All the stress and trauma I've been through, from dipshits at school, to my own parents, just fucked me up immensely. The one saving grace is that I had my twin brother, and we've always been tight, so thank God for small mercies, at least. But that's just the tip of the iceberg with me, whew.
Still, I managed to find some kind of solace and redemption in spirituality. My life's fucked up, but the onset of the pandemic gave me a lot of time to reset and begin to catch up with everyone else, taking stock of things and actually process a decade of repressed experience. It sucks, and I hate so much, but at the very least I'm not a quitter, and I've always been good with coming up with a plan.
And, for what it's worth, I applaud you for not taking the path of becoming a medical experiment like so many with gender dysphoria do. My gender dysphoria is pretty well developed at this point, so while I still feel it, I've managed to tame it and subdue it. I know how it feels to be like you're in the wrong body, it feels uncomfortable, disgusting almost, but it does fade with time.
I don't know if you'll buy any of this, but I get how you feel. Your anger and disgust at the world and how it's treated you is 200% valid, you're not crazy for thinking the way you do, it's a perfectly logical reaction to how you've been treated, and the things you want to do - while I can't condone some of them - are very understandable. But it doesn't have to stay this way. There is an out from the mental turmoil you're embroiled in. It isn't easy, but I can speak from experience that constantly sticking with these harmful experiences and reliving them everyday is what's keeping you down. Not saying you must move past them, I certainly haven't from some of mine, but locking yourself in your head only gives you tunnel vision. You will never fully heal, but you can recover and be stronger for it. I can attest to that. No matter how broken and ruined I've been, with basically nothing left, I always kept going even when it seemed futile.
I'd love to help in any small way I can. I relate to your story too much to not. If you have Discord, hit me up at unterhau if you want to talk. I can't guarantee a speedy reply, but I'll be checking my dms for the next couple days in the event you ring. Wish you the best.
You can never be born in the wrong body, you can just be in the wrong state of mind
@@EinkleinerVogel I know.
@@physical_insanityI just put it here so others can read it too, something like augmentation and I edited it because it didnt sound like the message I wanted to give
@@EinkleinerVogel 👍
i feel you guys man. I just wanted to have my own piece to share. No matter how fucking much people say autism is a fucking "superpower" or a "gift" or try to call it anything other than a disability it fucking disgust's me IT IS FUCKING DABILITATING. IT IS A DISABILITY. THERES NOTHING IVE EVER ENJOYED about having this. people will find any reason to avoid the negative part of what they cant glamorize and monopolize on. Yes, even though im having remotely a good life, it doesnt mean im fucking living because im surviving. I may express emotion but it doesnt mean its real to me. nothing about this is a gift, its a curse and a goddamn burden. I fucking hate the world and everything about it
Bruh, CZcams recommendations algorithm took the "he must like random videos" way too literally 💀
I can't understand your suffering at all bro, but I'm also quite hopeless right now. I hope things get better for us.
I genuinely hope you recover mentally and physically. Don’t worry man you have us to talk to and if no one cares about you now then you wouldn’t have such a thankful community that is grateful you didn’t kill yourself
We can’t lose another good one like you
oh yes we can
@@arturocordova5670Mate what is your problem a guy is litelery saying he will end himself and you just want him to die after all that he has been throught?
@@________________5392 yes
@@________________5392 yes
@@________________5392 grammar, my friend
son, always remember, dying is gay
Massive respect for this guy 👍
Do not lose to this fucked up world.
"I guess that's it"
You're absolutely right, stranger, my last moments shouldn't have ended like this.
This comment truly makes me feel like im _over the horizon_
fuck why did you have to get that back in my mind anyways hey guys i guess thats it *TURNS INTO A FUCKING FLOWER*
Demogoron pov
Please at least give this guy a hug. He genuinely deserves it after all the shit he had to go through. Stay strong man. Hope you’re at least feeling a little better. ❤❤❤
or he could end it
@@arturocordova5670 what if i was outside of your house with an aluminum bat
@@ter2364 i don't give two flying fucks or ten swimming shits
I read the description, and thoroughly felt what you said. I have those mental disorders and I’ve been through similar. Just know, theres always a light somewhere in the dark. You will reach it if you keep on pushing. You’ve had a bad upbringing, but don’t let it define your future. You can make wonderful things for yourself. Look at how many people care about you, and we don’t even know you.
You will find your place in life. I promise you that.
Take care.
I have been in this hysterical, maddening depression myself. There are seemingly a dozen or multiple dozen things that are causing our issues, and working on each one while staying afloat is so atrociously difficult.
Most of the time it feels pointless due to inhibitions like autism and childhood environment. Little by little I'm getting past the enraging focus of what I have done in my past, what I have missed out on, what I could have had and what I wish I had...what definitely helped was getting on antidepressants. It allowed me to stave away the madness and agony so I could think clearly and focus my attention to things worth thinking about.
It feels like being given a repair to the leaking holes in the ship, and now i can focus on slowly scooping out the flooded water inside the boat. Many times the holes burst out again, but I am making headway. I am scooping out the water, which manifests in so many different ways in my life. Like getting out of debt, strengthening my body, coming to terms with my past by realizing it's okay to accept the person you were in the past, but your future self has the choice to walk away. That was a lesson from Kratos in God of War: Ragnorok, apparently. Although I've never played it.
I too thought myself as hideous. Most of the time i still do. I push it aside by doing everything i can to change that physically, like exercise and posture, so that my structure may slowly change with age.
I don't consider this helpful for you, but at least you will know that you are not alone. There are so many others who are dealing with the exact same madness and bleak life. We're all clawing ourselves out of our holes, in hopes of seeing the sunshine somehow. Some of us wont make it. I might not make it. You need to try. You need to at least try scooping out the water in the boat, or you will have died a fool.
Sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me alive. The thought of dying a fool.
This comment hit hard. I'm on a very similar situation, except I'm probably way younger really. Good luck bro
i can relate to your story, some people like us are just unlucky like that and it feels like we can't do anything about it..
you deserve so much better. im sorry this world failed you. sending much love
life may be tough but just believe that things will always get better and i can assure you they will, keep pulling through, even if you may not realize it, there are always people who care for you and will extremely sad if you where to be gone, we are here for you. : )
Holy shit dude.
My honest to God condolences, I can't believe any human should've been raised in such a horrific matter.
But please, don't kill yourself (even though given your circumstances, I unfortunately understand why you would go through with this).
We committing with this one 💀💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Not funny
@@itslaineobvi я I realized that
Why are you commenting such a thing to a man that suffered over 35 years?
Really hope things turn better for you! Be open for the good things coming along your way!
PS. Virtual hug.
Me when my parents pass away and I'm still single twelve-hundred years from now.
Thanks I really needed that today 👍
Im often in a similar state to this man.
I wish for exactly what he wishes for.
The only difference is that I wrought this upon myself.
I didn't hurt anyone.
I didn't bully anyone.
I didn't hate anyone.
I only hate myself.
Every flaw, imperfection, everything is so blatantly obvious to me.
No-one I know sees it.
It drives me crazy, and the rest of my life doesn't aid this but I won't elaborate on that.
If I could have another wish.
I'd wish for a world where people like me and him didn't end up wishing what we want right now.
A seamless exit from this ruthless reality.
A way out because what has happened cannot be undone.
And now we have to live everyday spending hours and hours just thinking.
Thinking about everything we never had control over.
Reading the description while listening to caremelldansen with this echoing effect makes me realize how I feel the same. But instead of ending it,i keep going, because i never give up.
I really feel for you,man,i really do. 🥲
I read the description under the video
I wish you happiness, it's never too late to pull yourself together, start with little things, get some good habit, for example from sports, and follow it, and slowly you will get better. Go to a psychotherapist, there is nothing wrong with that and it helps. Each person is unique and you are no exception, there is a way out of any situation, the main thing is just to start (this is the most difficult stage). Do what you like, start reading books, watch something, in any case you have something you are interested in, find it and you will definitely find yourself and your happiness.
Greetings from Russia
🗣️: "what you do while listening to music?"
Me:
Me: *walk away peacefully*
hope everything get better for you, from that what i understand u re definetly deserve better
I'm gonna come back in 2040 when I turn 35
I hope your okay bro ❤❤
I'm not gonna try to convince you to do anything; sometimes life turns out to really be worth living, sometimes it doesn't. A life of suffering is far worse than death could ever dream to be. But, a life full of opportunities is not worth missing out on now. It's up to you in the end. Many people see death as some sort of horrifying fast-spreading disease that must be eradicated at all costs, but I personally think it's just the moment that the ripples we make finally stop. It's the complete unshackling of all of our senses, emotions, mental and bodily functions both good and bad. We can no longer experience anything without a mind to process it. With that, we become basically nothing, and no longer exist. We don't have a sense of self or individualism after death because we cannot recall or observe anything to distinguish ourselves from nothingness, which is the only reason we know that we are separate people from, say, your neighbour or Tutankhamun. For example; I know I am not anybody else in the comment section because I only have one account and this is the only comment I have made under this video. I also have a distinctly different way of typing from many people here, so if I forgot all that then I'd be able to tell what's not me, in addition to the fact that I can talk to other people and receive responses from them whilst being fully aware that I am not typing them myself. No two human beings are the same because everybody experiences things differently throughout their life and everybody undergoes different experiences throughout their life, which forges a completely unique mindset, though lost forever after death. Said experiences sometimes aren't the best. Said experiences sometimes are genuinely wrecking to go through, and I understand that. Suffering is a mental state, and death can lift that in a split second. However, it doesn't gift you with any warm or accomplished feelings afterwards like a life turned better might. So like I said at the beginning; a life of suffering is far worse than death because a neutral outweighs a negative, not by a lot, but by just enough to make the answer you'd choose very obvious if it came down to making a choice between the two. On top of that-- turning everything around for the better is never completely impossible, in a logical sense. Just be aware of what the best and most successful choice is for you. Although, going through this as a kid is extremely hard, and I wanna say you're brave as hell for lasting through all that regardless. I live with a brother who is diagnosed with Aspergers, so I have somewhat of an idea of the social struggle you have. It can be difficult, it can be like trying to play a game of Uno with Pokemon cards, but it doesn't mean you can't win as long as you know how to work with it. It will mean a big impact on your older life, but it doesn't mean that you can't make do and mend. If you want to stay afloat, keep doing what makes you happy, and if you find people that you enjoy being around, stay around them. I really hope you're doing better now.
TLDR; Keep evaluating your choices
Sending Hugs
please seek help. :(( I hope everything will be fine.
Be well brother
Weeks ago I learned the name of this song
Before I even came across this video for the first time, I'd imagined a scene near identical to the image shown here. The similarities struck me from the self inflicted gunshot wound down to the position of the body and dimness of the room. The final glimpse into the silent brutality of a miserable, uninterrupted episode of isolation and self loathing.
I find it equally assuring and horrifying that there's people out here going through the same thing everyday.
To whoever posted this, I know things are going to get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but they will be eventually. ✌️🙁
Reading the description with this music and image is something else,
Put me a little in what must have been the mood of the writer
Rant incoming, responding to ur desc
I used to write long ass paragraphs eerily similar to these when I was at my absolute lowest. I was just listing all the faults in my life, there were so many that it felt horribly unfair and like I never had a chance at life. I felt sooooo much rage towards myself and others.
It’s been years now and i’m nowhere near as depressed. I’m able to function instead of thinking of death, violence, and suicide all day. I’ve been thru some really fucked up shit and will continue to struggle with some things that are unchangeable, but i’ve mostly come to peace with the things life threw at me. I’m still alive because I was too depressed to do anything, i’d just lie in bed all day. But as the years passed I’m genuinely surprised something like this is even possible to slowly heal over. I’m on antidepressants that seem to be working (I never thought any would ever work back then), i’m much less anxious and I don’t want to die anymore.
My point is I know our life situations must be very different, but I know the mindset you’re in. Just saying it’s possible to get out of that suicidal hellhole state your mind is in.
I wish you more bearable days ❤
I hope they read these...
As someone who has considered reading it many times myself, including very recently, I hope things are starting to improve for you, and same so for myself and anyone else here reading this.
Dude… I'm so sorry you had to get through all that.
I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel. 🙏
I hope you are safe. You deserve the best and yes LIFE GETS BETTER
This is unexpected.
fuck XQC, too many people out here living a fucked up life and they just out there doing nothing while making millions. Hope you are okay man. You are the true MVP.
what does xqc have to do with any of this
We really hope that better times and things will come to you man, just dont give up, we are cheering for your best.
I'm laughing way to fuckin hard at this😂
Edit: oh Lord I didn't read the video description. 😬
This is someone’s suicide note and you’re laughing?
@@spacecast5031oh Lord, I didn't read the description. I thought this was a meme. Oh geez
Wishing you the best
I would give a lots of hugs and encourage him
God bless your soul my friend. Depression is something serious.
Do a flip.
if you are still here, i hope you have gotten better or at least good enough to continue. we are with you
if not and only someone else sees this: dont give up
Oh i feel that description.
Im sorry for that dude
Im so sorry for the live you’ve lived. I dont know why this video came up for me and I probably dont have anything worthwhile to say other than Im sending love and hope to you wherever in Romania you are. so sorry man.
hope u feel better buddy
He's literally me, fr fr
Reached 35. Sadly, no ability to get a gun, not the courage to pull the trigger if I ever got one.
this one really hit me
man no matter what happens you gotta keep going for the sake of it. When you'll succeed there's one thing you will have that very few other succesful people have, the pride that in spite of the very harsh obstacles you had to face you still succeeded.
mindblowing song
Huh, interesting, I have a smaller, underactive amydala as well. Fortunately that has been way more of a problem for other people than for me myself
i relate to this so much
Bro I couldn’t imagine I’d make it to 18 now I’m 21, 35 is so demonic it’s so improbable Ima just chill till then
Take care man. Trust me I can understand what are going through. Stay strong
Bad luck bro, although i can't feel all your pain so hard but i know have to carry all this never been easy. If this life is not give u anymore luck, u can give it up.. It very hard to say, no one in this world can understand and sympathize with us but ourselves. And to answer that question, "should we die or not?", only us
Btw, rest in peace bro
I'm truly sorry for you man.
I also have been in your situation (abused, rejected, bad parents, autism, wrong gender, grudge) so, I understand how you may feel.
I know how a world without hope looks like.
But please, talk to a therapist, or at the very least a doctor.
We are not therapists, and we can't help you. But they can.
Also about your face, if the moles are that serious, maybe consider surgery to remove them. Especially if it's on your face and preventing socialisation, that could be considered as a medical act so it would cost way less or not at all.
In any case, please seek the professional help. And also, maybe keep doing something to cope with your situation until they had helped.
From my experience also, cooking have improved my mental health, just because the taste of something good is comforting.
You might want to improve your meals just a tiny bit. I assure you, you will feel better.
Please stay safe, take care.
Remember you will always have better days. Start with small daily objectives, life will get better.
Wrong gendr aint a real issue, not your wrong body but your wrong state of mind at the moment
@@EinkleinerVogel That can be explained because my dad rejected me because he wanted a son and I grew up in an highly mysoginistic environment. So technically, my brain was built around the only gender I could pursue and keep my mental health intact: male. The alternative was being a subhuman, a submissive victim, with no ambitions or future.
It wasn't a conscious choice, but this is a part of me I can't erase.
So, sorry for you, it's a real issue.
@@LuminaNinetalesIt is not a real issue, you are a woman.
No-one can be born with the wrong gendr, but some may be in the wrong state of mind. You are or were in the wrong state of mind, because your environment made you see women as submissive victims and bla bla dee dee.
@@LuminaNinetales hope you get better
Dude, you don’t know how important you actually are, don’t be like my lil cousin, he left a large hole in my entire family, just because you have so many personalities, choose every single one until you are comfortable. Just because you feel like you have no purpose. Find a something that your really good at, because god gave you something man and god is giving you the perfect opportunity to show off your personality and you can’t mess it up.
The bullying part was also relatable since I used to get bullied at the age of 7 to 10, like a lot. I was even coming to the point of hurting my self. But I changed that by showing off my drawing skills and soon enough people would respect me a whole lot more. It was because they thought that I was a chubby kid who had no talent and personality. I did and I showed those bastards who’s boss. You could even learn to defend your self and you never know if your going to get good at it
Look, everything that has happened that was in the past, things go wrong in life all the time, life ain’t going to be perfect all the time, you can’t explain it you can’t predict it… killing your self won’t solve your misery problems. Everything that had happened is over, you just go to move on with life. Just stop thinking in the past and look at what you got right with you!
This is fucked up. Hope you're alright
I wish I could help you so fucking bad, it hurts. I have no idea who you are, but I'm glad that youtube recommended this video. Praying that you're alright, sorry that's happening💔
¿por qué cuando tocamos fondo escuchamos esta canción?
Did he change the title from 30 to 35? Way to go!
Just take the blackpill brocel, it never began for people like us.
Dat true boyo
There are people who want you dead, and they’re ALL LOSERS, DON’T LET THEM WIN BRO, LIVE TO SPITE THEM
I understand how you feel 😢
I hope you're doing well
Jeez man. Look don't give your body away God well do it and he is happy for you that you still trying I hope the best for you. 🙏🏾
Hope things get better!
I think i found his Twitter account but the last message he sent was jun 3rd
Good work man! Keep an eye on it because I really hope this guy is okay.
this video is perfect representation of my mental state
Im genuinely confused about the video and the comment section
why
You need to read the whole description, His life was fucked-up.
How nice of youtube to recommend this video on my 35th birthday.
going through shi as well man
Don't worry about it, many people are here for you :D
millions
@@Exefnis21billions.
Even reading just the beginning of the decription has me tearing up. You really deserved a better life, but look at you now! You're able to face your past and get this off your chest. I beleive that is a huge accomplishment! Yes, it is a traumatic experience, but I hope that you can wear a smile for as long as you can, and really mean that smile. You shouldn't kill yourself, because what would the effect be on your friends lives? maybe they will kill themselves next? I really hope you get better, and if you need to talk, just know that your fans and friends are here for you. You are loved and cherished by those who surround you and I hope you know that.
Our lives sound similar. I'm an autistic guy, grew up in a trailer park in a rundown home, raised by a single mother. I can't get a job right now and I'm poor. I feel like we've gone through a lot of the same struggles. Frankly, because I have no money, I don't expect to get with a woman, because why would one be attracted to a downtrodden peasant like me? So I don't expect marriage, and that won't change unless I can get some money. Covid kicked me out of college and I have no money to return. The only refuge I've had is working on my yard. Seeing it improve has made me feel a kind of contentment I don't get from much. All my friends have moved away and I'm not good at communicating online. I've been suicidal twice, but I'm not right now, because I've gone through so much that it will take quite a bit to get me to a low point where I'd consider ending it. If my mom dies, I'll probably end up homeless, but as of right now, my mindset is that if there's even a 1% chance life could get better, I'll keep living.
Bro, i just want to let u know u r not alone, i am so sorry to know this worse of u. I wish i could hug u rn but i know we're can't do that but it's okay, i can send u this my all of love❤️ to u, don't try to stress urself out when it's already stressful, okay buddy?. We're love u and really care abt u, u know that? I know life is can happen anything it want or what we're do wrong somethings or we just fall in our life, but it's okay we can stand up and i/people can help u to stand up✨️ don't be overthinking, u can cry but pls don't suicide, okay?🗿✨️❤️ remember, be stronge and don't give up
Defib can't fix that, mister dealer.
Woah.
That is just batshit crazy my guy.
This is the most relatable video on all of youtube
I hope things are getting better, no person should ever undergo this kind of situation...
yo im sorry about the mental troubles you had, you have us for your support :D
Hey man, how are you doing right now? I hope you are doing fine. Help is always available so never give into the urge and die. I hope you find some peace soon.
Give this dude a hug
I have a recurring vision of myself like this except out in my back yard so I don't leave a mess.
I can see that you are strong for at least not choosing the worst decision. I believe you can have a good life after this nighmare is over
Hope youre still going strong brother