I *really* like how Dr. K laid out the part starting at 41:15. I find that I'm 100% comfortable with compliments about my performance or competence, and I grew up getting good grades and being recognized for it. But when someone shows affection for me, the person, separate from my technical skills, alarm bells go off because for a long time, affection was the bandaid right after I got hit or verbally abused.
When I was younger, compliments comes hand in hand with favors. You're smart? Then help me with this. I think you're glowing lately, can you have a little time to do this command, etc. Sometimes, it is use in an insulting or sarcastic like "you're so 'x'" or "it such a waste to be 'x' if you're gonna be like that." It just blur the line of genuineness and mockery/intentions that I prefer to not care.
Very interesting. The caller does not trust his own judgment. His mom told him “everything is ok” but he can easily sense everything is clearly NOT ok! His ears, eyes, and body knows something, but his primary care taker is telling him the opposite (with the best intentions). Good for him, it takes a lot to get to the point where you can see the mistakes of your parents.
True, but sometimes you learn that it was the best thing they could do at that time....and when you realize that they were just unware what they were doing.....it feels sad....
Dang this hits home, i get compliments from family and others a moderate amount and every time i just feel kinda weird, i dont know what to say or when i say “thanks” or “thank you” it just feels and sounds weird. I trust their words completely i just feel very off and whenever trying to express complements or gratitude it feels off. Idk what off is but thats how it feels
Not thanking somebody for a compliment will ensure that he never compliments you again. NO ONE wants to go out of his way to give a compliment only to be ignored.
Weird when you look back at it afterwards right? Like I actually reject the compliment, probably discredits myself. It's so weird when I self-reflect later.
As someone who quit a job because they gave me employee of the month this hits very close to home. I grew up having all my accomplishments devalued by a narcissist to the point people talking about me over-performing gives me a panic attack. It's so bad that the idea of "bragging" about anything makes me physically ill.
Oh man, this one hit home. Same with his story. My sister picks fights with everyone else and throw huge tantrums. My parents never admitted there was an issue, and everything was just fine, I was great, my sister was good, you shouldn't hate your sister. And now at work I am getting many compliments and I'm left sitting here like? Are you sure about that? I'm not working that hard, are you sure about that? And during the Quality management process, I'll only get a few comments and I'll look at it confused like, did you check it properly, are you sure it's actually well done? And I'm just sitting here unsure and distrustful.
I've genuinely been compelled to compliment someone because I truly do admire something about them, and if I was to be told that I was being fake that would kinda hurt so I try not to automatically assume the worst from those who compliment me. It's not as if I'm great at taking them though haha. I just try to accept it, whether the person is genuine or not, and try to move on and not make it a big deal. I also do this cause I'm afraid that it might get to my head and make me cocky. Yet I do hold onto compliments from the past more than I would like to admit ahahaha
I dont trust compliments because I doubt myself and have no confidence in myself; I don't think I am deserving of such words. Secondly, words are easy to say. Most of the compliments feel baseless or empty. It is actions that speak louder than words.
This comments section makes me sad. I distrust compliments when my self-esteem is struggling. But I have never experienced people using compliments as a way to manipulate and I'm sad most people here seem to have.
For me I think its because I was severely bullied in middle school so now I get really distrustful when people complement me, ask if I think someone is hot, or when people have inside jokes. Typically though it really depends on the demeanor of the individual. The more they act or look like my bullies, the more I get on edge. The best I can figure out though is I think I am holding too much onto an image of myself than who I actually am. For instance, I don't want to be seen as dumb, so I have to protect that at any cost when in reality, yes, I have dumb moments, its who I am. So the only real solution here is to stop associating my ego with my image and fully accept my ego for what it is
@@Lougehrig10 I have this fear of being dumb as well. You know I recently listened to a podcast about ocpd and there was a piece about people obsessing about getting really good at a specific thing, which suposedly is based on them getting into a really bad situation as a kid due to lack of said thing. For example being bullied for looking 'ugly' or parents humilliating you for being lazy. I thought about it and I realized that I actually have gone through many embarrassing moments as a kid due to lack of cultural knowledge (immigrant kid). Like "I want to just disappear right now" situations. So I suspect that I'm obsessed with knowing everything and being seen as smart, because I felt really dumb back then for not knowing stuff that was common knowledge (even though realistically I couldn't have, but nobody ever explained that to me). I don't know yet how to continue from there, but maybe this can help you figure out how to let go? Edit: I've read your comment again and you're a bit further than me in understanding already, my bad. So it seems you felt dumb for believing their lies, so now you are afraid of being "dumb enough" to fall for it again, so you are overcompensating by being distrustful. Since being distrustful actually used to be useful when you were bullied, I think to stop doing that you gotta figure out how uour situation is different now. Like why don't you have to be like that anymore? Are you surrounded by nicer people? Are you less dependent on them? Did you get better at recognizing intentions? Etc.. then the behaviour will follow
this is a weird subject for me personally; I like compliments but at the same time you're not supposed to like them? like apparently that makes you snobby/narcissistic? I like compliments because I tend to put work in some things about me and I appreciate that people notice them
It absolutely does not make you a narcissist to acknowledge the things about yourself that are nice lol. That's just the other people's ego taking a hit because sometimes people give out compliments to establish themselves as a 'saviour' of sorts.
@@EggEnjoyer not told but throughout my life I noticed that society seems to have this weird code that you're supposed to respond modestly or be like "thank you but yeah, it's not that big of deal" and that if you show that you're happy about people noticing nice stuff about you (especially in a public setting) you tend to have the "he's so full of himself" vibe from people. Not sure if it's a jealousy thing but I do think it's kinda wrong to try and tear someone who feels good about themselves.
There is a healthy way to like compliments and then there is a norm to be self deprecating and then there are narcissistic people who compliment themselves. To genuinely be grateful someone acknowledged something positive about you with a solid thank you is fine. You can smile. You can say that means a lot. You can do all 3. But there is a line. If you beg for the compliment it's a problem. And if you start one upping the compliment by bragging about additional things that's weird and uncomfortable to witness.
There’s a significant part of me that really loves watching this man navigate and guide a conversation that can be very tough and unpredictable. It’s just fascinating.
Had a Facebook page once, "Don't tell me I'm beautiful when you'll only cheat on me in the end." It had quite a number of women joined. I told my boyfriend who did cheat on me had kept insisting on giving me compliments based solely on my appearance. So, I'll warn them and explain to them if they want to compliment women sincerely, focus on other qualities, which requires actual conversation/interaction, e.g. talent, intelligence, sense of humour, fashion choice, strength, etc. I don't think I'm physically attractive so I only feel the guy is lying to me but if he sticks around so we can get explore if there's compatibility between us. Yeah, there's a chance the guy gets "friendzoned" but I think that's more important for me and him as it's harder for guys to find emotional support later in life.
😂 I love that last part: “sure, it may get him friendzoned, BUT ITS IMPORTANT TO ME. In other words, you don’t give a fuck about the guy, just how they make you feel. I don’t see any difference in what you do than what the other guys in your life did. Ever thought that guys saw that and said: “she could care less about me, why should I be faithful?”
@@blahblah2779 tbf, op said "more important for me and him". I think guys learning how to compliment effort stuff will do him good at being less awkward socially to everyone, which will give him more chance at landing it with a girl (which then appearence complimenting can begin). Basically, "Hey, you did awesome there" is much less awkward ice breaker than "Hey beautiful" when you don't know her that well yet.
Why are acting like the problem is with the compliments? XD I'm more than halfway through watching the video and up until now the moral of the video is - if you have problem taking compliments, the problem might just be you because of something that happened in your past. And the Facebook page that you mentioned - "don't tell me I'm beautiful when you'll only cheat on me in the end" Anyone who reads the name twice can see where the trauma comes from. It's genuinely jarring to see a comment like this. Established the trauma in the first sentence, and proceeded to say that other people's compliments are the problem and THEY need to be better with giving compliments. Compliments on physical appearance can be sincere, it's probably not comfortable to get such compliments for most people, but it can definitely be genuine. Even after you added a "also important for him" at the end, it's very clear that it's just an excuse and that the only thing you care about is your own comfort (because the reasoning sounded very much like threatening. Like "do what I say or you won't have any emotional support in the future" sort of stuff) I know I'm being very rude, but oh my God denial of this level is hard to just ignore
I feel this way all the time, I am not sure specifically how I learned this but everytime someone complimented me on anything be it intelligence, wit, humor, caring, responsible etc. It has always felt hollow.
How coincidental this video comes out. The other day, a coworker told me that one of the execs really liked my work, and I immediately shot down the compliment and thinking it was a lie. I've had too many times where I've been told I'm doing a good job only for the next day or next hour to be told I did everything wrong or everthing I did is bad. But another group I work with has been incredibly appreciative of my work, and that's been helping to unlearn that compliments only ever precede scolding.
This is a valid point. When someone gives you a compliment, there's multiple elements to consider: 1. they really believe what they are telling you, but it's based on their perception of you, a situation or outcome, and their specific standards. Your coworker may say you did a great job, but your boss may disagree. 2. they don't totally believe what they are telling you, but they do it because they feel it is expected, or they'd rather you think that to influence your behavior. If you are having a tough time and someone says they have confidence your skills will get you through, they might be doing that since saying the opposite would just discourage you and you are actually more likely to fail. Worse, they may try to inspire confidence in you knowing your skills aren't actually good enough to see you fail. 3. they believe what they are telling you, and it actually agrees with other's broad opinion of you, but the standards and expectations you hold yourself to are so much higher that you view their compliments as uninformed and not particularly useful. If you have worked in your industry for 10 years and someone says you did a great job on something that everyone in that industry learns to do their first month, it's not particularly meaningful. Over-analysis and meta-analysis of interactions with others can occasionally lead to very useful insight. But it's also a good recipe for distrust, because it presumes that people are generally consistent and rational. While most people try to be, those things are pretty tough for humans. It's hard, but sometimes just taking a W and moving on is the right move.
This hit home. Thank you so much. With me it was the other way round. I kept my mother calm by constantly assuring her, and now I have a hard time trusting assurance either, because I know I lied or at least was insincere about my own doubts and just wanted peace.
that knowing cheeky smile at the end from Alok!! he compliments Tom's ability to summarise in a foreign language, and Tom accepts the validation without a hitch. Alot of growth in this talk, thanks you guys for sharing
Does this hit home... I grew up in a toxic environment where I was a gifted kid. My family would treat me as if I were the Second Coming of Christ. HOWEVER, at the same time they would neglect me, never acknowledge my emotional issues and even be verbally abusive to me. What's more, I never was properly schooled (forget about being fostered) nor taught to be disciplined, so I've always felt that whatever potential I had has been wasted away. Went NC with everyone this year. Now I'm 31-year-old recovering addict who feels exactly this way: "I'm so sorry you have fought so hard in life only to get to some sort of normality". I don't know if you guys watch Formula 1, but racers can get penalised during qualifying and start the race at the last position. Sure, I still get to race, but winning feels almost impossible. I've always felt like this. I'm still picking up the pieces as an adult, whereas most got this done long ago. Tearing up as I write this. Much love to Tom and Dr K.
Your explanation of the distinction between "validation" and "reassurance" has been incredibly helpful. I will have to keep that in mind not only looking retrospectively at my own life, but also when dealing with close ones who might be struggling. Thank you so much for your work.
Thing with me is I sometimes do get validation (rarely, but sometimes) but it's from people that are even more clueless about the subject than I am. It's extremely difficult taking a compliment from someone that basically says it to try cheer you up but has no clue about wether you're *actually* doing a good job.
Yeah, if I get any compliment at all it's the same scenario for me. They only want to cheer you up, they don't actually genuinely compliment you because I know that they are clueless about it. I'm torn about why they do it. If they're sad when you're sad, it's positive. But I feel like that almost all of those cases involve the feeling that they have to cheer you up because it's what they've learned to do, or they just want you to stop being depressive in order to avoid getting drained from negativity (so 1. culture, 2. annoyance).
I feel the imposter syndrome as well. But that's the internal way to think about that. The person has complimented you, because you have a skill they don't have. They don't compare you to better people and want to cheer you up. They compare you to themselves and you have earned the compliment given to you. When you see a senior perform a good job, you will most likely think he is awesome, I could not have done it better. Not that he is worse than his senior. It is an acknowledgement of the progress you made from also being clueless at some point in the past and the good tasks that earned you the compliment. They most likely are really happy with your work.
@@hatvielehobbies What you described does happen often, but so does what Ensco7 described. The real question is how to tell if a compliment is genuine.
Most of my life I feel I've been over complimented on my performance and even people having high respect and expectations for me. But I honestly hate it, I feel it's ignorant like they don't understand or are lying me. Also about reassurance, I hate reassurance because I see right through it. It feels unfair, but I really don't trust anyone but myself on how I really perform. Although when I don't have self confidence, the fact that I am unable to trust the words of others, nor myself is where I fall apart. When I am in a position where I can't bring myself up, I want to be able to trust and gain support of my family and friends but I end up rejecting things like that. I think it just stems down of me not being able to rely on others, sometimes I look down on people as well especially in the past, most of my life I had to take care of a lot of things myself, I was always isolated, neglected, alone. I feel that I should try understanding others and allow others closer into my life, that whatever their actions and words meanI am able to understand, think and accept other people's thoughts and actions. I feel like it's fine to distrust compliments, but I feel it's not fine when I reject others in my life.
I saw the title and listen to the first 5 mins and was getting excited that this could be very similar to how i feel but it's really not, I don't want validation and i don't have doubt that what i do is not good enough, but when someone gives me compliments they do nothing and seem fake/cringey, to the point where i assume it is always sarcastic, the feeling is almost insulting when receiving a compliment. It makes me avoid complimenting other people because it's not something that comes to mind, I typically end up complimenting the work itself rather than the person or expressing how useful/cool their work will be than how well they have done.
Yea I was thrown off by the title as well. But that's interesting. Is it possible you feel insulted by the idea that that person would think they did you a favor by complimenting you, when in reality you feel like they did nothing? The way I see compliments is 2 parts and each compliment can either be only the first or both. 1) it's just someones opinion. For example when someone says they like the color green. If I care about this person, I might be interested in hearing more, if I don't, then it is what it is. So whether they like green or they like my work, it's just them expressing an opinion, which is fine. 2)the validation part. This depends on whether the object of their opinion is important to me. Like if someone likes anime and I hate it I may get a bit triggered. And if I love anime, I may get excited that we share this love and that they agree about how awesome it is. So if I spent an hour on my hair and I wanted it to look great and someone says it looks great, we're both sharing a love for my hairdo (lol) and that's kinda like sharing a love for anime (or w/e). So I'm also wondering if you'd like to share, do you generally don't really care for sharing interests with others or is there something about your work being the object of their interest that makes it weird to you?
Don't think I've ever "felt" a session as hard as this one. Really moved me, to tears actually. I just want to give Tom a hug. In weird way, honestly, I felt validated through this as well. It's good.
The thing with compliments esp at work is i feel like its mostly used now to build you up for favors in the future. In normal circumstances, I feel like when I get complimented, it jinxes it. You look good today and then the next thing you know, you'll have a bad hair day or dull skin. So 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ to compliments.
I also take complements lightly but try to validate myself, like Dr K was saying. I want to be the one who decides if I'm doing a good job or not and I try to not set the bar overly high since I'm never going to be some sort of superhero or workaholic, nor would I want to be
I always just say thank you and move on immediately and never factor it into a person's "social credit". Compliments inherently strike me as a manipulation tactic and it probably comes from being too nice as a kid/teen and y'all know that angry feeling of getting manipulated to doing something and the other person just laughs it off rather than seeing it a genuine act of reciprocity. I hate that feeling to the core and I'll be damned if I let someone pull those sorta fast ones again and again or get taken advantage of.
This type of stuff is significantly more prominent with Men. And it’s sad. This is a result of how society is. And yes, Women also have a part in it, quite a significant one. We grow up in a world where you are NEVER good enough. All we know is that we are not enough. When someone tells us that we are, we don’t believe it. And it’s justified. All of our lives we feel like we aren’t enough, and now someone out of blue says otherwise? “Nah.” We grow up in a world of lies. Of pain. Of hunger. Of greed. Of war. Social media plays a part, sure, but even someone like me, who is doing everything to avoid Social Media, is being affected, because when other people are influenced by Social Media, you will feel that Social Media is around you all the time, even if you are not in it. The world of today, has made people, but especially Men, feel like we are worthless. “Someone else can do what you do. You are no better.” We feel weak and afraid. Trying to find answers for questions that we don’t even know if they make sense. Trying to be nice, but not too nice that we get stepped on. The grey area of society has grown out of proportion, and now, no one can find the boundaries anymore. Everyone is swimming in this endless soup of grey. My point is this; We don’t know how we feel, and we don’t know how we are supposed to feel. We get told “don’t do this, don’t do that”, but we don’t get told what to actually do. We live among others, but today, everyone is afloat inside themselves. Outside of reality. Outside of care. What do we believe? What are we supposed to believe? How do we “save the planet”, if all we’ve been taught to do is destroy it? Have a nice weekend everyone 😉
@@VioletEmerald I'm a cis women, so I can only project my own ideas about the first comment, but I understand it is gendered because of the way our society instill "toxic masculinity" in men. The fact is that it is socially expected of men to be sure about themselves, to don't doubt, to protect, not cry... and if they are not, they are not seen as masculine or "man enough". As women, we can socially show weakness or doubt in a way men are not supposed to do (and actually that is a problem for women as well, as we are expected to show our weakness because according to society we are weak, or delicate, or feminine, and that's super condescending and damaging for us as well). What I mean with my comment is that I understand that an issue can be gendered, and that different genders have different difficulties added to the initial issue.
I don’t know how to respond to them. It’s like my brain tries to sort through several dozen responses and I blurt out something because you don’t get a huge gap without seeming like you don’t care.
There's the other side. I don't trust compliments, but at the same time, I don't pay compliments to others. The one area, in which I improved my perception, is that I can view other people through the same lens that I view myself. So while I don't think I'm a good or valuable person, I don't really see people around me being better than me. That's comforting, but dreary at the same time. It''s a coping mechanism, I don't believe that I'm missing out by cutting people off, because I don't think that the experience of spending time together is fine for either side.
I thought one could not accept compliments because one does know how truly innacurate those are, in our mind. It clashes with our own beliefs. Solution? Saying ' thank you' and forgetting about it as soon as you can, (you are saying thank you for the good gesture not the actual compliment per se.)
I think that is precisely what's going on with Tom as well. Because he says when he either think he should work harder or when he feels uncomfortable, if people conpliment it then, it doesn't compute. He never mentioned that when he feels great and people compliment him, he doesn't trust it. So that's really interesting to me, that sounds exactly as you said, he doesn't trust someone elses assessment over his own.
@@YesJellyfish indeed, i fear to be arrogant because of not trusting others,yet, have been confused by the hypocresy of persons that tell you one thing but later on its revealed they were lying to feel ' nice and polite'
this video has made me realize so many things. I honestly just put it on to have something on while I worked and I realized that I have so much more work to do on myself because I share this doubt and I share this distrust of people and I know where it comes from and now the work will be how I deal with it going from here
I feel this when it comes to my writing. I've had people tell me to be a writer, tell me I'm talented with writing, and that I should write novels. It's only been recently with pursuing a degree in Creative writing that I've started to be able to write and put things out there. Granted, right now it's just to classmates lol but it's helped.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 There's always gonna be someone better in the creative field but then no one would get complimented because it's not a Picasso. The point is that everyone can have their own unique style and that's where it's great and different to a Picasso in it's own way. Compliments can push you and also let you know that you are on a right track. Everyone has been conditioned to give compliments under their own standards, you never exactly know where they are coming from so it would be wrong to assume that.
Whenever I compliment someone or provide reassurance, I feel defensive automatically. It’s like I assume people think I’m being fake, so I immediately start rationalizing why I’m saying what I’m saying and why it’s true to not only me but to others as well.
It's so nice to see and hear Tom embrace his own suspicions that he is actually doing very well and making progress because it does seem like he comes into the conversation, more than anything, with doubt about his own experience and Dr K telling him and playing the dialogue in a way that, like they said, validates his fears and his hopes and gives him the confidence to believe in his own process. I feel the same way often and it's a breath of fresh air when people simply say, "Yeah I think you're doing it right or yeah I see why you're worried about that. Do your best." So often people are confused when you ask for reassurance because people usually want to tell you that you're good or bad or how to do something and I just want to know if I'm going in the right direction. Amazing conversation and all the best wishes to Tom.
I'm always very cynical when it comes to compliments. Like, they're just complimenting me to make themselves feel better or put me in a better mood so they don't have to deal with my negative mood.
My nameis also Tom and while being another fan who watches all these videos but doesn't comment or fully take on/understandeverything here, this Tom hit a big nail on my head and I want to say THANK YOU for asking the hard questions for me and perhaps many others. every lesson learned and life assisted, the better we all do
I clicked on this because I am a type of person I always sheepishly tell people "oh sorry , I never know how to accept compliments or what to do with them" Because I always when pressured with a very confused tone I just say "Thanks?" With a awkward pause. I can relate to maybe if I started off in a better environment things would be much different and I wouldn't have the issues I do have now... I grew up in a toxic family life, my mother swears my father was a good man but after his several almost consecutive car wrecks where he almost died he changed , and after he changed me and my younger sister were born...so only my older siblings may be aware of this "good man" she speaks of. It's very odd to me when I am honest about my issues with my family I learn why I take mini moments of silence throughout every other month. I'm told, if you have father issues why not just get over it , heal, move on? I finally had to tell my mother I am the type of person who when told to "just heal" All I hear instead is "God it's taking you this long stupid why you not healed yet" Feels like I'm constantly being mentally whipped and told to hurry hurry hurry Only person not rushing me to confront my past when I try to is my therapist , and she's about the only one who *wants* to listen but she's literally paid to do so. This went off on a tangent But often times my therapudic rants that lead to nowhere do
yeah, i never trusted compliments during my whole life. they always feel fake, insincere and not objective to me. recently a lot of people, be it friends, family, coworkers, or other people that are around me sometimes, have complimented me about my gains at the gym. but i can't take them seriously, because it's clear as day that i'm not big and that i look the same as i looked when i started going to the gym. in my head they are all exaggerating. so i tend to deflect these compliments instead of just accepting them, say "thank you", and move on with what i was doing. so i'm in a spot where i think i don't deserve/don't trust the compliments, but fear to upset the people who compliment me at the same time
Most compliments are a form of manipulation. It may not necessarily be conscious manipulation, but learned behaviors/habits. If you value someone, find out what "love language" they prefer and demonstrate it as way of compliment. If it's a professional relationship, back up your words with a formal reward, such as a raise, extra time off, or other methods the workplace may offer.
I accept and agree with most of the compliments given to me, the thing is that i also know that narcissists use compliments to lovebomb and i recognise that too. However i do feel the difference between sincere and insincere compliments. I just need to find a way to respond to the fake ones....
How's the logic behind this? Why would lying about compliment make them feel better about themselves? If anything it should make them feel worse when they only say it for people pleasing.
I'm from the Northern part of Bavaria, Germany. Afaik Germans are known for being pretty direct, but we Franconians seem to take it to yet another level - at least according to many other Germans. We have a saying here "Nix g'sachd is g'lobbd g'nuch." It basically says: As long as someone doesn't complain about you, that's enough praise. So of course a typical Franconian making a compliment... that means a lot. :D What I learned from that? Only give compliments when you mean it. Then the other person will know that you do. No wondering, no doubting. And I can confirm: That feels really good.
This was such a beautiful episode and such nice explanations, and felt uplifting :') And Tom seems genuinely nice and conscientious. It's funny because I feel a similar thing of not accepting compliments not because my mom told me things were ok when they weren't, it was more like she complimented me SO MUCH that I felt like in reality I didn't deserve it or rather maybe it wasn't accurate how highly she praised me. Dr. K's drawing of the thing about balancing out to reality really helped understand that idea!
In my case, not trusting compliments only made my work better. "That's beautiful!", I've been hearing that about my drawings since I was 4 years old, but even at that age, I was aware enough that they didn't know shit about drawing and I've already seen many drawings to understand that my drawings were shit, better than the average but shit. Now I'm 27 and not trusting compliments had helped me to improve everything I do, my teaching style, playing instruments, painting, drawing, speaking languages, etc. I am never satisfied with everything I do and that keeps me improving. I'm afraid that someday I would be satisfied because that day I will stop improving. To never be satisfied could not be the most healthy thing, but who cares, the compensation is that everything you do gets better, even if it's never enough.
But you can be satisfied with your work AND keep improving. Not because what you do is shit and you have to, but because it's fun to make it even better. Don't hold on to "never being satisfied" (b.t.w. have you watched Hamilton? :P I keep hearing that phrase from a musical) because of fear of losing motivation to improve. I've had your mindset and changed it - I've lost feeling of urgency that nagged me to keep working, but weirdly enough my productivity and results are better when I'm satisfied. And I'm feeling way better than I could ever imagine. Compliments aren't objective truths. The fact that something isn't perfect doesn't mean it can't be good or beautiful or just amaze someone enough to give you compliment. By rejecting compliments you make people feel weird, just embrace them :)
I get now, that I don't trust compliments, that feel fake or like they are coming from someone who doesn't even know me well enough what I'm capable of and if it's right to be complimenting me. I guess, I was sensing BS, but not trusting that I knew somwthing didn't seem right because I was conditioned by my mom to trust what she said reality was, not what I actually observed. I have fixed a lot of that, but holy crap is it scary to realize, I actually was being conditioned into not seeing things as they really are, and to not trust what my gut says. Cuz the more I learn, the more I know that gut feelings, and feelings in general are always there for a reason, wether you know what the reason is yet or not. I wrote the difference between reassurance and validation because it explains why I feel threatened around certain kinds of people who seem insufferably cheerful and absolutely never let anything get them down or acknowledge the bad. Because it was boderline delusion thinking to avoid letting the reality get to them, and weigh them down. I'll definitely be thinking a lot about that bit and trying to figure out the right way to approach such things going forward.
I guess that's why people don't trust me and why i've been so frequently taken advantage of. Compliments are no longer a sign of a good person, just someone who has ulterior motives... except i never had any. But whatever. Things change.
Tom sounds to me as IxTP, (intp or istp) a fellow user of Ti (I am entp) I hear introverted (i) thinking (T) process behind his words. I don't want to argue about the whole typology, but how the typology explains the difference between Ti and Fe seems useful here. Simply said, your type describes your preferences, and what type of decision-making you prefer. Preferring introverted thinking process "logic" or "accuracy" means you prefer your own (introverted in this context means coming from inside) logical conclusions over other's people emotional support. But the majority of people actually prefer decisions based on Fe - extroverted feelings, emotional connection with other people. So they WOULD feel better instantly if someone told them that everything is fine. I guess it's not a lie if it works. At least for someone. But not for everyone. For us who prefer logic over emotions it feels like gasslighting, lie and we lose trust in people who tell us those lies. And we stop trusting emotions in general. I guess there are at least two types of emotions - first is our gut emotions, how we feel about some situations. It's OK to feel bad in a bad situation, those emotions are protective. Also, we sometimes have bad emotions when the situation is good - it's just an emotional memory. Paying attention to this emotion helps to deal with it better than trying to ignore or stop the emotions. There is a reason behind that emotions. The second type of emotions is "vibing" with others, accepting their support, or offering our support to others. To be able to do that it must not feel like gaslighting our own emotion that was there first. Why I think that typology might be useful here is that it 1) explains different types of perception, 2) both types are valid, but different people have prefer one function over the other. 3) being aware of the difference between me and others 4) For someone who prefers logic over "vibing" with others it might be easier to create some mental model of emotions before they can give a chance to trust them.
This really hits home for me.Once some junior girls at school told me that my face looked similar to an actresses face.I thought they were making fun of me and I was stressed out.Only later I realised that they were probably not joking.
I’ve had that kind of thing happen too, and I know it comes from as a kid I was unable to distinguish when I was being bullied in a subtle way (like gaslighting etc) so if people that were not in my social circle would try to get to know me it always felt not genuine and like I shouldn’t trust what they say to me. Thankfully I’m getting better at this now that I’ve went to therapy and I’m an adult and life experience changes things a bit too
Very relatable. I struggled with this at work a lot and at my evaluation they stated that my confidence was 'inadequate'. I was eventually fired and it was devastating. I'm currently doing an internship and I'm not always sure how I'm doing, and constantly shift from worrying that maybe I'm too cocky and overconfident, to thinking I'm not doing enough and am underconfident. A lot of this stems from my home life and sometimes when people reassure me I actually have quite a negative reaction to it and perceive them as dissing me.
This video hurts my soul. The title is a bit misleading, but algorithm, I get it. I'm here & resonate so much with the callers darker side of things, -90% of the hope. But you & your channel are amazing. Glad you are here for everyone. Thank you for posting your work
I don't trust compliments that come from people that don't know me or say something about my looks after just seeing one picture of me ... I can take compliments from people that seldom compliment or if it's over an action and makes sense to be complimented for 😅 I'm awesome and I know it 😎 so it's unnecessary to compliment me 😇😅 I sometimes get really creeped out by people on the internet giving me compliments ...
After losing 51 lbs it's hard to accept physical compliments. Gonna have to deconstruct that somehow.. 🤔. How am I supposed to accept going from meh to "attractive"? All I see are dark circles under my eyes and I don't think that I have body dysmorphia! Posture change was probably the biggest change that started triggering more compliments, but I freeze when I recieve any and want to go back to being a hermit.
The comment section here is beautiful at painful at the same time. So many people unable to appreciate and recognise their own talents, gifts and abilities. I’m the same of course! A huge applause for Tom, he did a brilliant job of articulating his feelings and thoughts which made it so easy for the Dr K and the viewers to follow and connect with his experiences, I wish for the best for his growth and making it out healthy along with everyone else struggling from similar issues in the comment section. We’re worthy of those praises, we’ll realise it one day and it’ll be a glorious day, until then we’ll keep going and trying.
Pretty much on the same boat with some of the other comments. My trust issues usually stem from the fact that I rarely get compliments unless it’s followed up with a favor. (I.e. An old coworker from my past would always compliment my Peruvian heritage, my taste in music, calling me his “best friend”, etc. I didn’t really think twice about it and wanted to focus on my job. At one point when I had neck problems and expressed it a bit he immediately jumped in and told me “Oh my wife can give you the best back/neck massages and can charge you $20 for it.” It was later revealed that he was the type of guy that made too many promises that he couldn’t keep. This is just one example out of many that he and others have done in the past. Luckily I don’t see stuff like that a lot but it leaves me cautious around people from time to time.
I'm good at giving compliments when they are due but I can't take any sort of compliment at all. I'll just hit them with "Thanks but it's no big deal because "reasons"" I have no idea why it's like I'm hardwired to do it.
I think minimizing is a coping mechanism because of fear. Fear they're going to be disappointed if they realize we're not as "good" as they mistakenly think we are, and their disappointment will be taken out on us somehow. Or fear we'll be hurt by the rejection later so we reject ourselves first so it'll hurt less. It's like. You finish writing your first novel, or painting something unique and creative, composing a song... Something like that and you worked super hard on it, and now you have to let another person ideally enjoy it and compliment you for it, but you're so afraid of how much it'll hurt if they don't like it that before they even can experience it themselves you make sure to lower their expectations as much as possible. You tell your friend it sucks but if you want to read my book, and proofread it, that'd be great. Or your friend tells you that painting is amazing and impressive and you immediately jump to reasons why it's not though. Why their word doesn't matter because they're not a painter so they don't know what the standard you should be compared against is. It's like. You're stuck in a loop of finding it impossible to believe you're talented. Or like it's too scary to entertain the notion that you might be.
Oh wow, here's an interesting connection I just made: if our ability to think, plan, decide and translate plans into action is how we survive (it's how I work and buy groceries), then receiving an invalidating reassurance (or any kind of invalidation) undermines our confidence in the mental tools and machinery we use to live, whereas confirmation of our fears reassures us that the tools we need for survival are in good working order. So unless the fear targeted for invalidating reassurance is literally and obviously about life and death, invalidation is suggestive of even greater potential danger than validation and anti-reassurance. That's why non-reassuring validation feels better. At least that's my hypothesis.
Holy crap. This is why I don't trust reassuring people at all. My mom was ALL avout denying reality and saying everything is fine without actually making things better or being hinest about the bad stuff. Now I know why I seek validation, cuz I'm the only one who ever really validated me outside of a few longterm close friends I used to know in highschool. I didn't realize though, that reassurance literally comes across as a lie. Knowing that, makes it easier to know how to accept a little reassurance, knowing what it actually is. Cuz that makes me not doubt how I feel about reassurance, because I know it's a lie, where validation is directly confronting reality and sharing the burden of reality. That makes SO much sense. Now I feel even better, about being wary of people who reassure and never take action and ahove their heads in the sand.
I assume that all compliments I receive are more about the other person than me, especially if they’re from my family. My family has this idea that Im a genius and super handsome when Im really just burnt out, stressed and a 4 to 6 outta 10 at best.
I find that compliments from people who had a shared experience in that field are the only once that are valuable. For example getting a compliment about how much muscle I gained gets weight by being said by a person who also works out.
I hate compliments tbh it always feels like they are meant in a negative way to make fun of you in a way you dont realize it and other times they just feel forced and dont feel real
I told a dude he was fcking hot once & he treated me like a pathological liar from that point moving forward 🤷♀️ look idk how to explain this but one person’s medium ugly is another person’s hot. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. If you’re smart, funny & self-aware the pudge you’re self conscious about looks like a six pack to me. Idk how to explain it 🤣
I think the comments in this video have wisdom. I didn't watch the video, I generally take well compliments, but sometimes they do feel predatory "Oh, you are super smart, answer all my questions" or just clueless "hey I am monolingual , but you are very good in ancient greek". Aside from those situations, compliments, albeit rare in my life, are accepted happily. As long as you don't try to make me do favors for you , or you are a complete noob in the subject, your compliments are welcome.
dayum, i can relate to not being able to complement others ...or say anything nice for that matter really, and even if i really want to and honestly feel that way, i don'\t really have words or like the knowledge on how to communicate my feelings correctly
I don't trust them because, the way i was raised, I've learned to interpret them as hidden demands or buried insults because that's usually what they led to later. Its made it hard from me to take it seriously from other people if they don't call out something very specific about me
I needed this. Even after applying for a engineering position and landing top 4, i still cant accept the kind words HR said during our teams meeting. That said, i rarely got compliments as a kid
The only complements I can take are the ones that weren't supposed to be compliments. This friend of mine was trying to figure out why I was so good at catch and when at last I said, "Um, no, we're not a sporty family. That's just me. I've never played catch with anyone in my family." She was like, "Whoa". And it made me happy :)
This hit home hard. My mother used to tell me regularly that all people complimenting me are either being polite or trying to use me. I’m still struggling with unlearning this.
my biggest issue with compliments is that - if it's not merit based, it has less value. Like, if my eye color is pretty, that doesn't apply to ME. and if it IS merit based - my value system is that doing my best is the modus operandus = what's expected = not out of the ordinary. unless it's about an achievement that actually took a lot of effort and felt like I went above and beyond my own capabilities. those are the times where *I* recognise I did a good job and that it should be recognised by others.
i didnt expect this but i also dont give others compliments because i am very hard on myself i guess i technically do give rarely but i realize people feel good even if you lie and it was just a small thing i cant compliment myself on small things but i dont really feel bad about it, but i would have to compliment others more if they do small good things, but thankfully thats not going to be an issue cus im a recluse and i dont have anyone to compliment, phew
Jesus Christ with the timely videos I'm just sitting here thinking about how i could not take any sign of this woman thinking I'm attractive as just making fun of me and just accept that it could be or must be the case. I think it stemmed from high school tbh, i got a lot of that "talking to you to make fun of you" bullying and i guess it made me take "complimentary/attracted" talk as 100% suspect.
My mom used to be this way, but it seems like she got more honest the older I got, now it's more "this sucks but we gotta find some way 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾" (she's religious)
I *really* like how Dr. K laid out the part starting at 41:15. I find that I'm 100% comfortable with compliments about my performance or competence, and I grew up getting good grades and being recognized for it. But when someone shows affection for me, the person, separate from my technical skills, alarm bells go off because for a long time, affection was the bandaid right after I got hit or verbally abused.
Good point!
You pulled the words out of my head
This made me think about parts of my childhood where my parents would go too far almost evrrytime then after comfort me and validate me
When I was younger, compliments comes hand in hand with favors. You're smart? Then help me with this. I think you're glowing lately, can you have a little time to do this command, etc. Sometimes, it is use in an insulting or sarcastic like "you're so 'x'" or "it such a waste to be 'x' if you're gonna be like that."
It just blur the line of genuineness and mockery/intentions that I prefer to not care.
I agree; I remember hearing phrases like that growing up, not necessarily directed at me, but I felt the message "in the atmosphere".
Very interesting. The caller does not trust his own judgment. His mom told him “everything is ok” but he can easily sense everything is clearly NOT ok! His ears, eyes, and body knows something, but his primary care taker is telling him the opposite (with the best intentions). Good for him, it takes a lot to get to the point where you can see the mistakes of your parents.
yeah, completely unsurprising that he would be suspicious of reassurance under those circumstances, because he grew up being gaslit.
How do you call in?
@@Ryan.Huston through the discord, they’ll be an announcement about when call ins are taking place on streams or something along the lines of that
True, but sometimes you learn that it was the best thing they could do at that time....and when you realize that they were just unware what they were doing.....it feels sad....
The best intentions are used to pave the road to hell. :)
Dang this hits home, i get compliments from family and others a moderate amount and every time i just feel kinda weird, i dont know what to say or when i say “thanks” or “thank you” it just feels and sounds weird. I trust their words completely i just feel very off and whenever trying to express complements or gratitude it feels off. Idk what off is but thats how it feels
I feel this way 100%
i feel you bro
Same
Not thanking somebody for a compliment will ensure that he never compliments you again. NO ONE wants to go out of his way to give a compliment only to be ignored.
Facts I feel so awkward
I’ve always had problems accepting compliments. I usually just smile/laugh/nod while not really believing it.
Weird when you look back at it afterwards right? Like I actually reject the compliment, probably discredits myself. It's so weird when I self-reflect later.
As someone who quit a job because they gave me employee of the month this hits very close to home. I grew up having all my accomplishments devalued by a narcissist to the point people talking about me over-performing gives me a panic attack. It's so bad that the idea of "bragging" about anything makes me physically ill.
Oh man, this one hit home. Same with his story. My sister picks fights with everyone else and throw huge tantrums. My parents never admitted there was an issue, and everything was just fine, I was great, my sister was good, you shouldn't hate your sister. And now at work I am getting many compliments and I'm left sitting here like? Are you sure about that? I'm not working that hard, are you sure about that? And during the Quality management process, I'll only get a few comments and I'll look at it confused like, did you check it properly, are you sure it's actually well done? And I'm just sitting here unsure and distrustful.
I've genuinely been compelled to compliment someone because I truly do admire something about them, and if I was to be told that I was being fake that would kinda hurt so I try not to automatically assume the worst from those who compliment me. It's not as if I'm great at taking them though haha. I just try to accept it, whether the person is genuine or not, and try to move on and not make it a big deal. I also do this cause I'm afraid that it might get to my head and make me cocky. Yet I do hold onto compliments from the past more than I would like to admit ahahaha
I dont trust compliments because I doubt myself and have no confidence in myself; I don't think I am deserving of such words.
Secondly, words are easy to say. Most of the compliments feel baseless or empty. It is actions that speak louder than words.
great timing 😭 Im getting to the point where Im getting complimented for my stuff and it feels sooooooo weriiird
Same lmao for me compliments make me feel worse if anything because i feel like people are just trying to make fun of me
@@banned2911 same.
at work it was so awkward
I’ve really improved my physical appearance and social skills like 5 years ago and I still can’t effectively process compliments lmao
@@ProjectDarkHound same i try to thank them or just assume it was for someone else
This comments section makes me sad. I distrust compliments when my self-esteem is struggling. But I have never experienced people using compliments as a way to manipulate and I'm sad most people here seem to have.
For me I think its because I was severely bullied in middle school so now I get really distrustful when people complement me, ask if I think someone is hot, or when people have inside jokes. Typically though it really depends on the demeanor of the individual. The more they act or look like my bullies, the more I get on edge.
The best I can figure out though is I think I am holding too much onto an image of myself than who I actually am. For instance, I don't want to be seen as dumb, so I have to protect that at any cost when in reality, yes, I have dumb moments, its who I am. So the only real solution here is to stop associating my ego with my image and fully accept my ego for what it is
@@Lougehrig10 I have this fear of being dumb as well. You know I recently listened to a podcast about ocpd and there was a piece about people obsessing about getting really good at a specific thing, which suposedly is based on them getting into a really bad situation as a kid due to lack of said thing. For example being bullied for looking 'ugly' or parents humilliating you for being lazy. I thought about it and I realized that I actually have gone through many embarrassing moments as a kid due to lack of cultural knowledge (immigrant kid). Like "I want to just disappear right now" situations. So I suspect that I'm obsessed with knowing everything and being seen as smart, because I felt really dumb back then for not knowing stuff that was common knowledge (even though realistically I couldn't have, but nobody ever explained that to me). I don't know yet how to continue from there, but maybe this can help you figure out how to let go?
Edit: I've read your comment again and you're a bit further than me in understanding already, my bad. So it seems you felt dumb for believing their lies, so now you are afraid of being "dumb enough" to fall for it again, so you are overcompensating by being distrustful. Since being distrustful actually used to be useful when you were bullied, I think to stop doing that you gotta figure out how uour situation is different now. Like why don't you have to be like that anymore? Are you surrounded by nicer people? Are you less dependent on them? Did you get better at recognizing intentions? Etc.. then the behaviour will follow
This one really touched me. I understand exactly what Tom is trying to express, and I feel like our paths looked very similar too
this is a weird subject for me personally; I like compliments but at the same time you're not supposed to like them? like apparently that makes you snobby/narcissistic? I like compliments because I tend to put work in some things about me and I appreciate that people notice them
It absolutely does not make you a narcissist to acknowledge the things about yourself that are nice lol. That's just the other people's ego taking a hit because sometimes people give out compliments to establish themselves as a 'saviour' of sorts.
@@EggEnjoyer not told but throughout my life I noticed that society seems to have this weird code that you're supposed to respond modestly or be like "thank you but yeah, it's not that big of deal" and that if you show that you're happy about people noticing nice stuff about you (especially in a public setting) you tend to have the "he's so full of himself" vibe from people. Not sure if it's a jealousy thing but I do think it's kinda wrong to try and tear someone who feels good about themselves.
Right? I think you're supposed to like them only casually. Like "Oh thanks" and move on.
There is a healthy way to like compliments and then there is a norm to be self deprecating and then there are narcissistic people who compliment themselves. To genuinely be grateful someone acknowledged something positive about you with a solid thank you is fine. You can smile. You can say that means a lot. You can do all 3. But there is a line. If you beg for the compliment it's a problem. And if you start one upping the compliment by bragging about additional things that's weird and uncomfortable to witness.
Ikr It's so frustrating 😫
There’s a significant part of me that really loves watching this man navigate and guide a conversation that can be very tough and unpredictable. It’s just fascinating.
Had a Facebook page once, "Don't tell me I'm beautiful when you'll only cheat on me in the end." It had quite a number of women joined. I told my boyfriend who did cheat on me had kept insisting on giving me compliments based solely on my appearance. So, I'll warn them and explain to them if they want to compliment women sincerely, focus on other qualities, which requires actual conversation/interaction, e.g. talent, intelligence, sense of humour, fashion choice, strength, etc. I don't think I'm physically attractive so I only feel the guy is lying to me but if he sticks around so we can get explore if there's compatibility between us. Yeah, there's a chance the guy gets "friendzoned" but I think that's more important for me and him as it's harder for guys to find emotional support later in life.
😂
I love that last part: “sure, it may get him friendzoned, BUT ITS IMPORTANT TO ME.
In other words, you don’t give a fuck about the guy, just how they make you feel. I don’t see any difference in what you do than what the other guys in your life did.
Ever thought that guys saw that and said: “she could care less about me, why should I be faithful?”
@@blahblah2779 tbf, op said "more important for me and him". I think guys learning how to compliment effort stuff will do him good at being less awkward socially to everyone, which will give him more chance at landing it with a girl (which then appearence complimenting can begin). Basically, "Hey, you did awesome there" is much less awkward ice breaker than "Hey beautiful" when you don't know her that well yet.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 I'm assuming that OP edited their comment to include "and him" after they got that reply
Why are acting like the problem is with the compliments? XD
I'm more than halfway through watching the video and up until now the moral of the video is - if you have problem taking compliments, the problem might just be you because of something that happened in your past.
And the Facebook page that you mentioned - "don't tell me I'm beautiful when you'll only cheat on me in the end"
Anyone who reads the name twice can see where the trauma comes from.
It's genuinely jarring to see a comment like this. Established the trauma in the first sentence, and proceeded to say that other people's compliments are the problem and THEY need to be better with giving compliments.
Compliments on physical appearance can be sincere, it's probably not comfortable to get such compliments for most people, but it can definitely be genuine. Even after you added a "also important for him" at the end, it's very clear that it's just an excuse and that the only thing you care about is your own comfort (because the reasoning sounded very much like threatening. Like "do what I say or you won't have any emotional support in the future" sort of stuff)
I know I'm being very rude, but oh my God denial of this level is hard to just ignore
It shows that it was the only thing they truly valued about others.
I feel this way all the time, I am not sure specifically how I learned this but everytime someone complimented me on anything be it intelligence, wit, humor, caring, responsible etc. It has always felt hollow.
How coincidental this video comes out. The other day, a coworker told me that one of the execs really liked my work, and I immediately shot down the compliment and thinking it was a lie. I've had too many times where I've been told I'm doing a good job only for the next day or next hour to be told I did everything wrong or everthing I did is bad. But another group I work with has been incredibly appreciative of my work, and that's been helping to unlearn that compliments only ever precede scolding.
This is a valid point. When someone gives you a compliment, there's multiple elements to consider:
1. they really believe what they are telling you, but it's based on their perception of you, a situation or outcome, and their specific standards. Your coworker may say you did a great job, but your boss may disagree.
2. they don't totally believe what they are telling you, but they do it because they feel it is expected, or they'd rather you think that to influence your behavior. If you are having a tough time and someone says they have confidence your skills will get you through, they might be doing that since saying the opposite would just discourage you and you are actually more likely to fail. Worse, they may try to inspire confidence in you knowing your skills aren't actually good enough to see you fail.
3. they believe what they are telling you, and it actually agrees with other's broad opinion of you, but the standards and expectations you hold yourself to are so much higher that you view their compliments as uninformed and not particularly useful. If you have worked in your industry for 10 years and someone says you did a great job on something that everyone in that industry learns to do their first month, it's not particularly meaningful.
Over-analysis and meta-analysis of interactions with others can occasionally lead to very useful insight. But it's also a good recipe for distrust, because it presumes that people are generally consistent and rational. While most people try to be, those things are pretty tough for humans. It's hard, but sometimes just taking a W and moving on is the right move.
This hit home. Thank you so much. With me it was the other way round. I kept my mother calm by constantly assuring her, and now I have a hard time trusting assurance either, because I know I lied or at least was insincere about my own doubts and just wanted peace.
that knowing cheeky smile at the end from Alok!! he compliments Tom's ability to summarise in a foreign language, and Tom accepts the validation without a hitch. Alot of growth in this talk, thanks you guys for sharing
Does this hit home... I grew up in a toxic environment where I was a gifted kid. My family would treat me as if I were the Second Coming of Christ. HOWEVER, at the same time they would neglect me, never acknowledge my emotional issues and even be verbally abusive to me. What's more, I never was properly schooled (forget about being fostered) nor taught to be disciplined, so I've always felt that whatever potential I had has been wasted away. Went NC with everyone this year.
Now I'm 31-year-old recovering addict who feels exactly this way: "I'm so sorry you have fought so hard in life only to get to some sort of normality". I don't know if you guys watch Formula 1, but racers can get penalised during qualifying and start the race at the last position. Sure, I still get to race, but winning feels almost impossible. I've always felt like this. I'm still picking up the pieces as an adult, whereas most got this done long ago. Tearing up as I write this.
Much love to Tom and Dr K.
Your explanation of the distinction between "validation" and "reassurance" has been incredibly helpful. I will have to keep that in mind not only looking retrospectively at my own life, but also when dealing with close ones who might be struggling. Thank you so much for your work.
Thing with me is I sometimes do get validation (rarely, but sometimes) but it's from people that are even more clueless about the subject than I am.
It's extremely difficult taking a compliment from someone that basically says it to try cheer you up but has no clue about wether you're *actually* doing a good job.
Yeah, if I get any compliment at all it's the same scenario for me. They only want to cheer you up, they don't actually genuinely compliment you because I know that they are clueless about it. I'm torn about why they do it. If they're sad when you're sad, it's positive. But I feel like that almost all of those cases involve the feeling that they have to cheer you up because it's what they've learned to do, or they just want you to stop being depressive in order to avoid getting drained from negativity (so 1. culture, 2. annoyance).
I feel the imposter syndrome as well. But that's the internal way to think about that. The person has complimented you, because you have a skill they don't have. They don't compare you to better people and want to cheer you up. They compare you to themselves and you have earned the compliment given to you. When you see a senior perform a good job, you will most likely think he is awesome, I could not have done it better. Not that he is worse than his senior. It is an acknowledgement of the progress you made from also being clueless at some point in the past and the good tasks that earned you the compliment. They most likely are really happy with your work.
Too much vagueness in this thread without concrete examples so it feels like you guys are talking past each other.
@@hatvielehobbies What you described does happen often, but so does what Ensco7 described. The real question is how to tell if a compliment is genuine.
It‘s not that I don‘t trust compliments. It‘s that I don‘t get any.
If your username is anything to go by irl, then I can see why lmao
@@laurinha2892 lmao, i thought the first comment was a compliment, didnt know it was a roast 🤣
@@laurinha2892 the MLG sunglasses on the prof pic makes this hit on an entirely different level XD
Dont demean yourself first and by that you'll start listening to what's right in your environment.
And then It's important to distinguish
Most of my life I feel I've been over complimented on my performance and even people having high respect and expectations for me.
But I honestly hate it, I feel it's ignorant like they don't understand or are lying me. Also about reassurance, I hate reassurance because I see right
through it. It feels unfair, but I really don't trust anyone but myself on how I really perform. Although when I don't have self confidence, the fact that
I am unable to trust the words of others, nor myself is where I fall apart. When I am in a position where I can't bring myself up, I want to be able
to trust and gain support of my family and friends but I end up rejecting things like that. I think it just stems down of me not being able to rely on others, sometimes
I look down on people as well especially in the past, most of my life I had to take care of a lot of things myself, I was always isolated, neglected, alone.
I feel that I should try understanding others and allow others closer into my life, that whatever their actions and words meanI am able to understand,
think and accept other people's thoughts and actions. I feel like it's fine to distrust compliments, but I feel it's not fine when I reject others in my life.
I saw the title and listen to the first 5 mins and was getting excited that this could be very similar to how i feel but it's really not, I don't want validation and i don't have doubt that what i do is not good enough, but when someone gives me compliments they do nothing and seem fake/cringey, to the point where i assume it is always sarcastic, the feeling is almost insulting when receiving a compliment. It makes me avoid complimenting other people because it's not something that comes to mind, I typically end up complimenting the work itself rather than the person or expressing how useful/cool their work will be than how well they have done.
Yeah I wish this video was actually about compliments. It's not.
It might be useful to look into your past like that guy did
Yea I was thrown off by the title as well. But that's interesting. Is it possible you feel insulted by the idea that that person would think they did you a favor by complimenting you, when in reality you feel like they did nothing?
The way I see compliments is 2 parts and each compliment can either be only the first or both.
1) it's just someones opinion. For example when someone says they like the color green. If I care about this person, I might be interested in hearing more, if I don't, then it is what it is. So whether they like green or they like my work, it's just them expressing an opinion, which is fine.
2)the validation part. This depends on whether the object of their opinion is important to me. Like if someone likes anime and I hate it I may get a bit triggered. And if I love anime, I may get excited that we share this love and that they agree about how awesome it is. So if I spent an hour on my hair and I wanted it to look great and someone says it looks great, we're both sharing a love for my hairdo (lol) and that's kinda like sharing a love for anime (or w/e).
So I'm also wondering if you'd like to share, do you generally don't really care for sharing interests with others or is there something about your work being the object of their interest that makes it weird to you?
Don't think I've ever "felt" a session as hard as this one. Really moved me, to tears actually. I just want to give Tom a hug.
In weird way, honestly, I felt validated through this as well. It's good.
The thing with compliments esp at work is i feel like its mostly used now to build you up for favors in the future. In normal circumstances, I feel like when I get complimented, it jinxes it. You look good today and then the next thing you know, you'll have a bad hair day or dull skin. So 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ to compliments.
I also take complements lightly but try to validate myself, like Dr K was saying. I want to be the one who decides if I'm doing a good job or not and I try to not set the bar overly high since I'm never going to be some sort of superhero or workaholic, nor would I want to be
Having self validation helped me because getting it from anywhere else was unreliable/non-existent. Consistency is key and your always gonna be there
@@Lyonsyn thats what meditation is making more clear to me. I couldnt see it before
I always just say thank you and move on immediately and never factor it into a person's "social credit". Compliments inherently strike me as a manipulation tactic and it probably comes from being too nice as a kid/teen and y'all know that angry feeling of getting manipulated to doing something and the other person just laughs it off rather than seeing it a genuine act of reciprocity. I hate that feeling to the core and I'll be damned if I let someone pull those sorta fast ones again and again or get taken advantage of.
I feel like this when people use my name as soon as they get to know it. Arghhhhh
This type of stuff is significantly more prominent with Men.
And it’s sad. This is a result of how society is. And yes, Women also have a part in it, quite a significant one.
We grow up in a world where you are NEVER good enough.
All we know is that we are not enough. When someone tells us that we are, we don’t believe it. And it’s justified. All of our lives we feel like we aren’t enough, and now someone out of blue says otherwise? “Nah.”
We grow up in a world of lies. Of pain. Of hunger. Of greed. Of war.
Social media plays a part, sure, but even someone like me, who is doing everything to avoid Social Media, is being affected, because when other people are influenced by Social Media, you will feel that Social Media is around you all the time, even if you are not in it.
The world of today, has made people, but especially Men, feel like we are worthless.
“Someone else can do what you do. You are no better.”
We feel weak and afraid. Trying to find answers for questions that we don’t even know if they make sense. Trying to be nice, but not too nice that we get stepped on.
The grey area of society has grown out of proportion, and now, no one can find the boundaries anymore. Everyone is swimming in this endless soup of grey.
My point is this;
We don’t know how we feel, and we don’t know how we are supposed to feel.
We get told “don’t do this, don’t do that”, but we don’t get told what to actually do.
We live among others, but today, everyone is afloat inside themselves. Outside of reality. Outside of care.
What do we believe? What are we supposed to believe? How do we “save the planet”, if all we’ve been taught to do is destroy it?
Have a nice weekend everyone 😉
You didn't explain why "especially men" though.what's so gendered about this?
@@VioletEmerald I'm a cis women, so I can only project my own ideas about the first comment, but I understand it is gendered because of the way our society instill "toxic masculinity" in men. The fact is that it is socially expected of men to be sure about themselves, to don't doubt, to protect, not cry... and if they are not, they are not seen as masculine or "man enough". As women, we can socially show weakness or doubt in a way men are not supposed to do (and actually that is a problem for women as well, as we are expected to show our weakness because according to society we are weak, or delicate, or feminine, and that's super condescending and damaging for us as well). What I mean with my comment is that I understand that an issue can be gendered, and that different genders have different difficulties added to the initial issue.
I don’t know how to respond to them. It’s like my brain tries to sort through several dozen responses and I blurt out something because you don’t get a huge gap without seeming like you don’t care.
Just say thank you with a straight face, or thanks
There's the other side. I don't trust compliments, but at the same time, I don't pay compliments to others. The one area, in which I improved my perception, is that I can view other people through the same lens that I view myself. So while I don't think I'm a good or valuable person, I don't really see people around me being better than me. That's comforting, but dreary at the same time. It''s a coping mechanism, I don't believe that I'm missing out by cutting people off, because I don't think that the experience of spending time together is fine for either side.
Dr. K does have great hair, though. The thumbnail is correct.
I thought one could not accept compliments because one does know how truly innacurate those are, in our mind. It clashes with our own beliefs. Solution? Saying ' thank you' and forgetting about it as soon as you can, (you are saying thank you for the good gesture not the actual compliment per se.)
I think that is precisely what's going on with Tom as well. Because he says when he either think he should work harder or when he feels uncomfortable, if people conpliment it then, it doesn't compute. He never mentioned that when he feels great and people compliment him, he doesn't trust it. So that's really interesting to me, that sounds exactly as you said, he doesn't trust someone elses assessment over his own.
@@YesJellyfish indeed, i fear to be arrogant because of not trusting others,yet, have been confused by the hypocresy of persons that tell you one thing but later on its revealed they were lying to feel ' nice and polite'
this video has made me realize so many things. I honestly just put it on to have something on while I worked and I realized that I have so much more work to do on myself because I share this doubt and I share this distrust of people and I know where it comes from and now the work will be how I deal with it going from here
I feel this when it comes to my writing. I've had people tell me to be a writer, tell me I'm talented with writing, and that I should write novels. It's only been recently with pursuing a degree in Creative writing that I've started to be able to write and put things out there. Granted, right now it's just to classmates lol but it's helped.
With creative stuff, people are usually truthful when they compliment you, but they're only comparing you to themselves, not to other creative people
@@letsreadtextbook1687 There's always gonna be someone better in the creative field but then no one would get complimented because it's not a Picasso. The point is that everyone can have their own unique style and that's where it's great and different to a Picasso in it's own way. Compliments can push you and also let you know that you are on a right track. Everyone has been conditioned to give compliments under their own standards, you never exactly know where they are coming from so it would be wrong to assume that.
Whenever I compliment someone or provide reassurance, I feel defensive automatically. It’s like I assume people think I’m being fake, so I immediately start rationalizing why I’m saying what I’m saying and why it’s true to not only me but to others as well.
It's so nice to see and hear Tom embrace his own suspicions that he is actually doing very well and making progress because it does seem like he comes into the conversation, more than anything, with doubt about his own experience and Dr K telling him and playing the dialogue in a way that, like they said, validates his fears and his hopes and gives him the confidence to believe in his own process. I feel the same way often and it's a breath of fresh air when people simply say, "Yeah I think you're doing it right or yeah I see why you're worried about that. Do your best." So often people are confused when you ask for reassurance because people usually want to tell you that you're good or bad or how to do something and I just want to know if I'm going in the right direction. Amazing conversation and all the best wishes to Tom.
I'm always very cynical when it comes to compliments. Like, they're just complimenting me to make themselves feel better or put me in a better mood so they don't have to deal with my negative mood.
That’s because it’s true
This might be the most important interview for me so far. Thank you! ❤️
Anytime I get complimented I just think of it "They just don't know me that well" and disregard it.
My nameis also Tom and while being another fan who watches all these videos but doesn't comment or fully take on/understandeverything here, this Tom hit a big nail on my head and I want to say THANK YOU for asking the hard questions for me and perhaps many others. every lesson learned and life assisted, the better we all do
I love that final bit of validation thrown at the end - "you're very good at organizing your thoughts" and Tom let it land. Fantastic
I clicked on this because I am a type of person I always sheepishly tell people "oh sorry , I never know how to accept compliments or what to do with them"
Because I always when pressured with a very confused tone I just say
"Thanks?" With a awkward pause.
I can relate to maybe if I started off in a better environment things would be much different and I wouldn't have the issues I do have now...
I grew up in a toxic family life, my mother swears my father was a good man but after his several almost consecutive car wrecks where he almost died he changed , and after he changed me and my younger sister were born...so only my older siblings may be aware of this "good man" she speaks of.
It's very odd to me when I am honest about my issues with my family I learn why I take mini moments of silence throughout every other month. I'm told, if you have father issues why not just get over it , heal, move on?
I finally had to tell my mother I am the type of person who when told to "just heal"
All I hear instead is
"God it's taking you this long stupid why you not healed yet"
Feels like I'm constantly being mentally whipped and told to hurry hurry hurry
Only person not rushing me to confront my past when I try to is my therapist , and she's about the only one who *wants* to listen but she's literally paid to do so.
This went off on a tangent
But often times my therapudic rants that lead to nowhere do
yeah, i never trusted compliments during my whole life. they always feel fake, insincere and not objective to me. recently a lot of people, be it friends, family, coworkers, or other people that are around me sometimes, have complimented me about my gains at the gym. but i can't take them seriously, because it's clear as day that i'm not big and that i look the same as i looked when i started going to the gym. in my head they are all exaggerating. so i tend to deflect these compliments instead of just accepting them, say "thank you", and move on with what i was doing. so i'm in a spot where i think i don't deserve/don't trust the compliments, but fear to upset the people who compliment me at the same time
I have the total opposite problem. I believe all of them, and most of them are from my family, and they’re almost always joking 🙃
sometimes it's hard not to suggest a punch in the face of who does this to you
@bellboy Affirmations are magical thinking
My family does this all the time. I think it's the cause of my distrust of compliments in general.
Most compliments are a form of manipulation. It may not necessarily be conscious manipulation, but learned behaviors/habits. If you value someone, find out what "love language" they prefer and demonstrate it as way of compliment. If it's a professional relationship, back up your words with a formal reward, such as a raise, extra time off, or other methods the workplace may offer.
I accept and agree with most of the compliments given to me, the thing is that i also know that narcissists use compliments to lovebomb and i recognise that too.
However i do feel the difference between sincere and insincere compliments. I just need to find a way to respond to the fake ones....
My mom instilled in me that people who give compliments are lying to make themselves feel better.
god
god
it
How's the logic behind this? Why would lying about compliment make them feel better about themselves? If anything it should make them feel worse when they only say it for people pleasing.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 People pleasing makes them feel like better people.
I'm from the Northern part of Bavaria, Germany. Afaik Germans are known for being pretty direct, but we Franconians seem to take it to yet another level - at least according to many other Germans. We have a saying here "Nix g'sachd is g'lobbd g'nuch." It basically says: As long as someone doesn't complain about you, that's enough praise. So of course a typical Franconian making a compliment... that means a lot. :D
What I learned from that? Only give compliments when you mean it. Then the other person will know that you do. No wondering, no doubting. And I can confirm: That feels really good.
This was such a beautiful episode and such nice explanations, and felt uplifting :') And Tom seems genuinely nice and conscientious. It's funny because I feel a similar thing of not accepting compliments not because my mom told me things were ok when they weren't, it was more like she complimented me SO MUCH that I felt like in reality I didn't deserve it or rather maybe it wasn't accurate how highly she praised me. Dr. K's drawing of the thing about balancing out to reality really helped understand that idea!
In my case, not trusting compliments only made my work better. "That's beautiful!", I've been hearing that about my drawings since I was 4 years old, but even at that age, I was aware enough that they didn't know shit about drawing and I've already seen many drawings to understand that my drawings were shit, better than the average but shit.
Now I'm 27 and not trusting compliments had helped me to improve everything I do, my teaching style, playing instruments, painting, drawing, speaking languages, etc. I am never satisfied with everything I do and that keeps me improving.
I'm afraid that someday I would be satisfied because that day I will stop improving. To never be satisfied could not be the most healthy thing, but who cares, the compensation is that everything you do gets better, even if it's never enough.
But you can be satisfied with your work AND keep improving. Not because what you do is shit and you have to, but because it's fun to make it even better. Don't hold on to "never being satisfied" (b.t.w. have you watched Hamilton? :P I keep hearing that phrase from a musical) because of fear of losing motivation to improve.
I've had your mindset and changed it - I've lost feeling of urgency that nagged me to keep working, but weirdly enough my productivity and results are better when I'm satisfied. And I'm feeling way better than I could ever imagine.
Compliments aren't objective truths. The fact that something isn't perfect doesn't mean it can't be good or beautiful or just amaze someone enough to give you compliment. By rejecting compliments you make people feel weird, just embrace them :)
Thank you for making more of these one on one discussions with viewers! I love these!
I liked Tom as a guest. Hes in the right mindset to make progress. Dont give up guys!
I get now, that I don't trust compliments, that feel fake or like they are coming from someone who doesn't even know me well enough what I'm capable of and if it's right to be complimenting me. I guess, I was sensing BS, but not trusting that I knew somwthing didn't seem right because I was conditioned by my mom to trust what she said reality was, not what I actually observed. I have fixed a lot of that, but holy crap is it scary to realize, I actually was being conditioned into not seeing things as they really are, and to not trust what my gut says. Cuz the more I learn, the more I know that gut feelings, and feelings in general are always there for a reason, wether you know what the reason is yet or not. I wrote the difference between reassurance and validation because it explains why I feel threatened around certain kinds of people who seem insufferably cheerful and absolutely never let anything get them down or acknowledge the bad. Because it was boderline delusion thinking to avoid letting the reality get to them, and weigh them down. I'll definitely be thinking a lot about that bit and trying to figure out the right way to approach such things going forward.
I guess that's why people don't trust me and why i've been so frequently taken advantage of. Compliments are no longer a sign of a good person, just someone who has ulterior motives... except i never had any. But whatever. Things change.
Tom sounds to me as IxTP, (intp or istp) a fellow user of Ti (I am entp) I hear introverted (i) thinking (T) process behind his words. I don't want to argue about the whole typology, but how the typology explains the difference between Ti and Fe seems useful here. Simply said, your type describes your preferences, and what type of decision-making you prefer. Preferring introverted thinking process "logic" or "accuracy" means you prefer your own (introverted in this context means coming from inside) logical conclusions over other's people emotional support. But the majority of people actually prefer decisions based on Fe - extroverted feelings, emotional connection with other people. So they WOULD feel better instantly if someone told them that everything is fine. I guess it's not a lie if it works. At least for someone. But not for everyone. For us who prefer logic over emotions it feels like gasslighting, lie and we lose trust in people who tell us those lies. And we stop trusting emotions in general. I guess there are at least two types of emotions - first is our gut emotions, how we feel about some situations. It's OK to feel bad in a bad situation, those emotions are protective. Also, we sometimes have bad emotions when the situation is good - it's just an emotional memory. Paying attention to this emotion helps to deal with it better than trying to ignore or stop the emotions. There is a reason behind that emotions. The second type of emotions is "vibing" with others, accepting their support, or offering our support to others. To be able to do that it must not feel like gaslighting our own emotion that was there first. Why I think that typology might be useful here is that it 1) explains different types of perception, 2) both types are valid, but different people have prefer one function over the other. 3) being aware of the difference between me and others 4) For someone who prefers logic over "vibing" with others it might be easier to create some mental model of emotions before they can give a chance to trust them.
This really hits home for me.Once some junior girls at school told me that my face looked similar to an actresses face.I thought they were making fun of me and I was stressed out.Only later I realised that they were probably not joking.
I’ve had that kind of thing happen too, and I know it comes from as a kid I was unable to distinguish when I was being bullied in a subtle way (like gaslighting etc) so if people that were not in my social circle would try to get to know me it always felt not genuine and like I shouldn’t trust what they say to me. Thankfully I’m getting better at this now that I’ve went to therapy and I’m an adult and life experience changes things a bit too
Very relatable. I struggled with this at work a lot and at my evaluation they stated that my confidence was 'inadequate'. I was eventually fired and it was devastating. I'm currently doing an internship and I'm not always sure how I'm doing, and constantly shift from worrying that maybe I'm too cocky and overconfident, to thinking I'm not doing enough and am underconfident. A lot of this stems from my home life and sometimes when people reassure me I actually have quite a negative reaction to it and perceive them as dissing me.
This video hurts my soul. The title is a bit misleading, but algorithm, I get it. I'm here & resonate so much with the callers darker side of things, -90% of the hope. But you & your channel are amazing. Glad you are here for everyone. Thank you for posting your work
I love your topics these are all things I love discussing! 👍 healthy discussion we definitely need!
I don't trust compliments that come from people that don't know me or say something about my looks after just seeing one picture of me ... I can take compliments from people that seldom compliment or if it's over an action and makes sense to be complimented for 😅
I'm awesome and I know it 😎 so it's unnecessary to compliment me 😇😅
I sometimes get really creeped out by people on the internet giving me compliments ...
After losing 51 lbs it's hard to accept physical compliments. Gonna have to deconstruct that somehow.. 🤔. How am I supposed to accept going from meh to "attractive"? All I see are dark circles under my eyes and I don't think that I have body dysmorphia! Posture change was probably the biggest change that started triggering more compliments, but I freeze when I recieve any and want to go back to being a hermit.
The comment section here is beautiful at painful at the same time. So many people unable to appreciate and recognise their own talents, gifts and abilities. I’m the same of course!
A huge applause for Tom, he did a brilliant job of articulating his feelings and thoughts which made it so easy for the Dr K and the viewers to follow and connect with his experiences, I wish for the best for his growth and making it out healthy along with everyone else struggling from similar issues in the comment section.
We’re worthy of those praises, we’ll realise it one day and it’ll be a glorious day, until then we’ll keep going and trying.
Pretty much on the same boat with some of the other comments. My trust issues usually stem from the fact that I rarely get compliments unless it’s followed up with a favor.
(I.e. An old coworker from my past would always compliment my Peruvian heritage, my taste in music, calling me his “best friend”, etc. I didn’t really think twice about it and wanted to focus on my job. At one point when I had neck problems and expressed it a bit he immediately jumped in and told me “Oh my wife can give you the best back/neck massages and can charge you $20 for it.” It was later revealed that he was the type of guy that made too many promises that he couldn’t keep.
This is just one example out of many that he and others have done in the past. Luckily I don’t see stuff like that a lot but it leaves me cautious around people from time to time.
I'm good at giving compliments when they are due but I can't take any sort of compliment at all. I'll just hit them with "Thanks but it's no big deal because "reasons""
I have no idea why it's like I'm hardwired to do it.
I think minimizing is a coping mechanism because of fear. Fear they're going to be disappointed if they realize we're not as "good" as they mistakenly think we are, and their disappointment will be taken out on us somehow. Or fear we'll be hurt by the rejection later so we reject ourselves first so it'll hurt less. It's like. You finish writing your first novel, or painting something unique and creative, composing a song... Something like that and you worked super hard on it, and now you have to let another person ideally enjoy it and compliment you for it, but you're so afraid of how much it'll hurt if they don't like it that before they even can experience it themselves you make sure to lower their expectations as much as possible. You tell your friend it sucks but if you want to read my book, and proofread it, that'd be great. Or your friend tells you that painting is amazing and impressive and you immediately jump to reasons why it's not though. Why their word doesn't matter because they're not a painter so they don't know what the standard you should be compared against is. It's like. You're stuck in a loop of finding it impossible to believe you're talented. Or like it's too scary to entertain the notion that you might be.
At least his Mom is okay at apologizing and recognizing what went sideways in the home
Oh wow, here's an interesting connection I just made: if our ability to think, plan, decide and translate plans into action is how we survive (it's how I work and buy groceries), then receiving an invalidating reassurance (or any kind of invalidation) undermines our confidence in the mental tools and machinery we use to live, whereas confirmation of our fears reassures us that the tools we need for survival are in good working order.
So unless the fear targeted for invalidating reassurance is literally and obviously about life and death, invalidation is suggestive of even greater potential danger than validation and anti-reassurance. That's why non-reassuring validation feels better.
At least that's my hypothesis.
@34:50 him proud of himself! Why I listen to these! It's okay to not be okay and its great when you are!❤❤❤
Holy crap. This is why I don't trust reassuring people at all. My mom was ALL avout denying reality and saying everything is fine without actually making things better or being hinest about the bad stuff. Now I know why I seek validation, cuz I'm the only one who ever really validated me outside of a few longterm close friends I used to know in highschool. I didn't realize though, that reassurance literally comes across as a lie. Knowing that, makes it easier to know how to accept a little reassurance, knowing what it actually is. Cuz that makes me not doubt how I feel about reassurance, because I know it's a lie, where validation is directly confronting reality and sharing the burden of reality. That makes SO much sense. Now I feel even better, about being wary of people who reassure and never take action and ahove their heads in the sand.
I assume that all compliments I receive are more about the other person than me, especially if they’re from my family. My family has this idea that Im a genius and super handsome when Im really just burnt out, stressed and a 4 to 6 outta 10 at best.
I find that compliments from people who had a shared experience in that field are the only once that are valuable. For example getting a compliment about how much muscle I gained gets weight by being said by a person who also works out.
I hate compliments tbh it always feels like they are meant in a negative way to make fun of you in a way you dont realize it and other times they just feel forced and dont feel real
YOU CANT FOOL ME DR.K YOUR A MAN OF GOD..... KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK G
This is what I was waiting for!! Thank you so much
I told a dude he was fcking hot once & he treated me like a pathological liar from that point moving forward 🤷♀️ look idk how to explain this but one person’s medium ugly is another person’s hot. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. If you’re smart, funny & self-aware the pudge you’re self conscious about looks like a six pack to me. Idk how to explain it 🤣
He was right you are a liar
I am so jealous at how good you are at validating people. I just hit me that what I've been doing is giving reassurance, not validating their feeling.
I think the comments in this video have wisdom. I didn't watch the video, I generally take well compliments, but sometimes they do feel predatory "Oh, you are super smart, answer all my questions" or just clueless "hey I am monolingual , but you are very good in ancient greek". Aside from those situations, compliments, albeit rare in my life, are accepted happily. As long as you don't try to make me do favors for you , or you are a complete noob in the subject, your compliments are welcome.
dayum, i can relate to not being able to complement others ...or say anything nice for that matter really, and even if i really want to and honestly feel that way, i don'\t really have words or like the knowledge on how to communicate my feelings correctly
Every time someone has compliments for me, it’s just a way for them to butter me up so they can get a favor out of me.
I don't trust them because, the way i was raised, I've learned to interpret them as hidden demands or buried insults because that's usually what they led to later. Its made it hard from me to take it seriously from other people if they don't call out something very specific about me
I needed this. Even after applying for a engineering position and landing top 4, i still cant accept the kind words HR said during our teams meeting. That said, i rarely got compliments as a kid
What makes me feel better is to compliment back with heart and vocalize gratitude
@@m3m3sis if that atttude leads you into being humble and successful, why would you change it? I think it's already great
Great video, Dr. K!
The only complements I can take are the ones that weren't supposed to be compliments. This friend of mine was trying to figure out why I was so good at catch and when at last I said, "Um, no, we're not a sporty family. That's just me. I've never played catch with anyone in my family." She was like, "Whoa". And it made me happy :)
Wow Dr. K. Have me flash back to 90's talk radio with your "thanks for calling in" much? Some strong juju right there.
This hit home hard. My mother used to tell me regularly that all people complimenting me are either being polite or trying to use me. I’m still struggling with unlearning this.
Most people use compliments that way tho xD
my biggest issue with compliments is that - if it's not merit based, it has less value. Like, if my eye color is pretty, that doesn't apply to ME. and if it IS merit based - my value system is that doing my best is the modus operandus = what's expected = not out of the ordinary. unless it's about an achievement that actually took a lot of effort and felt like I went above and beyond my own capabilities. those are the times where *I* recognise I did a good job and that it should be recognised by others.
That hit way close to home
for me its not that i think the compliments are not genuine however i feel like it may look like im doing well in their perspective but not in mine
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this, and I've struggled with it for a very long time.
I get compliments but its often very backhanded
Thank you SO MUCH for this video!!!!
i didnt expect this but i also dont give others compliments because i am very hard on myself i guess
i technically do give rarely but i realize people feel good even if you lie and it was just a small thing
i cant compliment myself on small things but i dont really feel bad about it, but i would have to compliment others more if they do small good things, but thankfully thats not going to be an issue cus im a recluse and i dont have anyone to compliment, phew
Is this in reference to MrGirl?
You've great hair
Jesus Christ with the timely videos I'm just sitting here thinking about how i could not take any sign of this woman thinking I'm attractive as just making fun of me and just accept that it could be or must be the case. I think it stemmed from high school tbh, i got a lot of that "talking to you to make fun of you" bullying and i guess it made me take "complimentary/attracted" talk as 100% suspect.
Thanks, for real.
37:45 validation vs reassurance
My mom used to be this way, but it seems like she got more honest the older I got, now it's more "this sucks but we gotta find some way 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾" (she's religious)
This really hits home. I feel the exact same way.