Gaslighting and Infidelity: An Interview with a Specialist Part One
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- čas přidán 9. 07. 2024
- Today Samuel discusses gaslighting and both the betrayed and unfaithful spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
The only problem here is that the betrayed is watching these videos seeking out help and not the person who has done wrong😔😔😔😔😔
Amen to that
I really agree with you.
I am the person who has done wrong and I am here....seeking out help
I am the unfaithful. And searching and watching every single video… on how we can both heal. I signed up for the boot camp intensive. I am going to an Affair Recovery Therapist… along with my partner. I am hoping and praying that these work. I am humbled by this whole experience.
Being a victim of gaslighting and infidelity by my husband, this video reassures that I am not crazy!! He is a master in gaslighting possibly in all aspects of life. Thank you so much for your knowledge!
so glad you're here. thank you for the kind words.
Gaslight & verbal, psychological abuse. I have been with him 41 years. I found out in 6/2020 that my 61 y.o. Hub was cheating at least 6-8 months. He now tells me to get over it. Calls me every name in the book tells me I’m crazy, a whack job, And the B & C words. I feel like I’m losing my sanity since I learned about him possibly be a narcissistic and how he has no empathy
@@maxinerose6223 I'm sorry you're having to endure this. I hope things are getting better for u ❤ Just wanted to send u some much-needed affirmation you're definitely not crazy. I am also going thru the same. It's the most difficult and hurtful experience I've ever been thru 💔
My wife accused me so much of cheating so much searching through phones and computers I actually thought onetime what if I looked in my phone and there were women in there. Crazy place to be.
I’m exhausted, the gaslighting and affair has destroyed my self on who I am. I’m the only one trying to heal. He doesn’t want me to heal because he thinks if I heal I will leave him. So he keeps doing it to hold onto me? I don’t know what I am supposed to do to stop it.
Gaslighting is so abusive.
The reminder we have the right to be intelligent individuals who can inquire about what we are being told when it sounds off is so empowering. I was too "nice" and allowed way too much gaslighting from my ex.
I didn't know they had a name for this...I was gaslighted while dating and for 4 out of the 6 years of my marriage..I feel like my life and time was stolen from me. thank God I have high self esteem. This is so dangerous- ppl commit suicide and murder for things like this
I discussed this video with my husband. He said that he was basically taught how to gaslight by his father. His father taught them, “Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter accusations.” I swear his dad is still gaslighting from the grave. My husband has admitted that he has done this to protect himself.
so glad the video helped you both.
I’m dealing with that.
Mine denied it, then accused me of it, twisted my words, and then projected onto me his feelings. He does this at least once a day.
@@WillBlindYouWithLight praying for you 🙏
How can you be sure if you’re being gaslighted when you don’t have all of the info of the affair? When all you have is circumstantial etc and doesn’t match what your spouse is telling you?
You can just share with your spouse, " the fact is I know you have had an affair and the second fact is that I am unable to trust what you say so at this point it really is pointless to try to convince me of anything you say. From here on out, I am believing your behaviors over your words. If you behave in a way that makes me feel unsafe, I will be putting up healthy boundaries to protect my self, those boundaries may be small or they may need to be me leaving the relationship. I am taking this time to watch how you behave moving forward and I will make my future choices based on your behavior. Then, let them know what you need from them in order to feel safer in the relationship.
I need help ASAP 😭 married to a narcissist, he does this and a bunch of other stuff, I’m already chronically ill and this is taking a toll on me bad and making my health worse
Please share with me the other stuff and how I can find out. He won't let me near his phone. Says I am being controlling
I discovered my spouse of 29 years has been cheating/betraying for years in multiple occasions. And my spouse tries to diminish the betrayal.
Mine does too. Sorry, idk why they do that
I was gaslight for over a year severely (I went to therapists, was convinced I was crazy, and was on 4-5 different medications because of it), and off and on throughout the years after initial discovery. I am completely destroyed because of it.
One day I went back into an episode of a TV show my partner watched to see how severe the content was because he didn’t seem to want to talk about it (this was a boundary we discussed previously). I made sure to fast forward back to the end of the show so he didn’t see that part again. When he went to continue his show it somehow was back on that exact part. He immediately yelled across the house in a confrontational and aggressive tone, “did you go back and look for that???” (Not the exact words but something similar and extremely triggering). I froze, I knew he’d get angry and we were about to go out of town, and didn’t want to yell across the house why I went back and looked. I said no I didn’t, and told him maybe it went back when he re-wound it to show me something in that episode (he did re-wind it a little bit to show me a part not related to the triggering content).. He kept accusing/asking and I said no I didn’t/denying.. 5-10 min later after I was able to calm down from fight or flight mode a bit I went up to him and said, I did go back and look to see what was in that episode. He immediately jumped down my throat calling me a liar and gaslighter.. the argument escalated to disgusting proportions.. I’ve been stuck on this feeling that now I’m a gaslighter and now can’t bring up his gaslighting and the damage it caused because of this incident… it made me sick.. I now realize there was a significant difference in this moment and me coming to him almost immediately after and him lying and continuing the false narrative for years.
The difference between you and him is that you may have had 1 incident of gaslightinh that you immediately owned up yo while he has had a lifestyle of continuous gaslighting that he has not owned up to.
So on point!!! When caught my husband the 2nd time back on sex chats and porn. He actually said my morals was wrong. That its not black n white, there has to be a gray area. That literally shook my core. I was and still shaken from him saying my right and wrong soul feelings was and is wrong.
At least he admitted it.
I've heard the same. "Middle circle" vs inner /outer.
Yes, so true. I was so prepared to believe I really was crazy rather than the truth, that I got to the point of suicide. Thankfully I was not successful, but the turning point for me was my husband leaving for the AP, and realizing that I wasn't crazy after all. It became such an empowering realisation. Thanks guys. X
Now that I understand gaslighting my ex-husband used to call me crazy psycho Etc and he would blame his behavior on me
This was so affirming - so good to hear from folks who get it - who have been there - who have walked the walk.
so glad it helped you my friend. thanks for watching and posting.
I didn't think i was crazy. Thought we had a communication issue. And our different upbringing impacted or miscommunication.
So i suggested couples counseling
That's how the father of my children started showing his true colors. He would boldly check another woman out in a store, I would know because the other woman would look embarrassed or even flirty, averting her eyes with a smile, and he would get angry with me and deny I saw anything at all. All while it happened right in front of my eyes. Over the years the gaslighting became a part of every conversation he wanted to avoid or disagreed with me on.
I also had him steal my safe person that I confided in.
I was literally grieving the loss of my mother when my partner decided to have a 1 yr long affair with my best friend which is also my neighbor, he theb claimed it was my fault because I wasn't there for him and he needed me during that time!. I was also in the hospital shortly after my mom passed away and found out in was septic and literally almost died and this too was during the affair. I literally couldn't help myself let alone give from an empty cup. I found out about the affair three months after being released from the hospital. Now i feel like im grieving three losses, my mom's passing and the loss of my relationship AND a friendship
Yes about the pornography!! That is my experience of betrayal and I have been gaslighted, literally by society, friends, husband, etc. I am not myself at all anymore. I was gaslighted and lied to for 5 years
I'm so sorry to hear that, Emily. I hope you felt encouraged by my story - you can get out of the fog and find yourself again (and maybe even more than you ever did before).
Emily Conway it never has anything to do with victims. Everything a gaslighter does is to themselves.
@@carliebeau5329 i would tend to say that's a bit of an oversimplification..... it does affect and involve the betrayed and it damages them immensely. it does in fact have a lot to do with the victims as they are devastated by the gaslighter and their willful deceiving of them.....sorry but clarity is key in this healing world.
I have been betrayed gaslighted almost everything manipulated lied to etc even in church i switched church really focused on jesus now and have decided jesus blesses us as he sees fit he knows our hearts and what is best the creator of the universe this earth is his footstool i take care of myself and my cat and my apartment in jesus time will he send a man until then i am not looking except to see where i am going spiritually i am staying in my lane
AMAZING topic! Samuel you ROCK! Thank you for bringing amazing people to us! And special thank you for this topic!! this is soooo important!!
so glad it helped milomazli. so kind of you to encourage me. thanks so much
I really needed to see this today, thank you
Thank you both, this is so useful, and know I will come back to this, as study and path forward.
You are most welcome, Angus! If you want to go further with your studying, I have just finished creating an online, self-study, video-based course to heal from gaslighting. Please feel free to check out my site at www.sarahmoralescoaching.com
My husband of 20yrs for the last 7 years is unfaithful with many partner . It's affairs and another affair it continues. He would say I'm paranoid, I have seen all his messages to other women , he always talks bad things about me with other women saw those messages. I'm thinking of call this marriage quit. My hear aches for my 2 and 4 year old my other 3 they understand what their father is doing. God promise to be a father to the father less
Thank you Samuel for such beautiful work, bringing so much truth and light to all of us couple going through the disease of betrayal.
My partner and I have been going through the aftermath of his affair.. I have joined for women only group through my church, receiving guidance and healing, but he has had a very hard time finding the right kind of therapy that resonates with his challenges. We live in the San Diego area, could you recommend a therapist out here?
He has watched your videos, and relates a lot to you and your experience, he understands that therapy coming from a male that went through this, would be a more effective help.
Thank you Samuel!
And thank you Samantha !!
This is a beautiful legacy you leave upon the world.
How's it going so far?
What if a persons perception is off? Like me being told lies about myself, they do have a warped reality.
Maybe. Just maybe my husband will realize all the crap he’s put me through with this.
Overdue topic but amazing content as usual. Thanks Samuel and Sarah!
very welcome.
Great interview. Thank you
Thank you so much for this video. You guy's hit it right on the nail when you said that we feel like we are crazy. I don't know how many times I asked friends and family members if they thought I was crazy. The gaslighting started almost a year after I met him. I thought I was in love. I had lost my husband and bestfriend in a car wreck 6years before. He was my soul mate. I thought how lucky could I be that God would let me find love twice. Not so much . I will call him Bob we would be in a store and he would hide from me and then I would look for him not being able to see him and he would pop right up and ask me what I was looking for. Omg took me a while to figure that game out. The worst was when we was in bed at night and I would hear like the evening news or people talking. Also blue green and red dots on my walls . O figured out it was the lights on his phone but he didn't see them or have a phone. When I heard the news one night it seemed to be coming from under the bed . Well I had my phone in bed with me and googled dr Phil and played part of one of his shows...lol. it hasn't happened since . When he was gone my world was sane. When he is there it is insane. Why do people do these kinda things ?? Do they want us to go crazy
So this happens when they are having an affair. Why do they do this
Yes when I know he is gaslighting I’m ok with letting it go but I struggle with the triangulation for the sake of character assassination .. it’s hard to not want to protect yourself from that.
I really love this channel . It helps me a lot. My husband is a serial cheat. I suspect he’s a covert sex addict. I am in counseling. Pretty sure o have mattered woman.
Some days I feel so trapped I feel like the only way out is death. I’ve been in counseling . I’ve accepted that eve though he swears he’s a new man that the real problem is me and why I’m so paralyzed to help myself. How do I build back my strength and fortitude? . I feel so defeated .
Obviously I'm binge-watching these videos because I've been going through being the betrayed spouse and this is seriously the very first video I have watched that has more females commenting as the betrayed spouse than males. I don't know what this says about who but it's interesting to note nonetheless.
Sadly, I’ve met more men dealing with their wives betraying them than I have women lately. It’s like times have changed and women stray more than men.
SO IMPORTANT
My ex husband did the opposite to me mentioned at 6:30. He accused me of looking at men every single time we went out in public. Relentlessly. After so many years of this I started to believe him. Thats when I started to stare down at the ground when we were out in public. The sad thing is that he turned out to have the wandering eye. I was head over heels for him. Was the only man I've ever been in love with. I was just so preoccupied with proving my commitment and love TO HIM, I couldnt see it. Not surprisingly, these were not the only issues he would "correct" my perceptions on. We were married 12 years. Its 2 years post divorce. I have a hard time trusting anyone, especially myself, I tend to disassociate when stressful things happen or sleep for 2 days. I cant work after a well earned professional career. I'm a recluse. And my physical health is failing. I'm not saying it's his fault for all this. I'm saying humans will believe anything if told for long enough. Every cell in their being will believe.
Your telling my story. I'll pray for you and keep you in my thoughts
Hi Crystal, how are you going now. I spent 5 years alone after a harrowing time. It gets better, slowly, with time.
Thank you so much Yes he did local sex searches hotel searches I found the charges on our bank account for express routes to the hotels I found the drive routes on his phone to the hotels and he says he never did it I did it He even told their counselors I did it I did all of this to make him look bad we've been together 45 years and he had no problem sitting in a room with our counselor and telling them and saying that I had done these things when it was all evidence on his computer in his phone and I seriously had no words I just felt destroyed I felt so unsure of myself everything I said was not being listened to after that everything I did or said was being questioned that I was the one at fault and it continued like this until I said enough I can't do this anymore. I seriously considered suicide during this We have four grown children seven grandchildren we've had a decent marriage and he had an affair with a 50-year-old from his office and it went on from there to other affairs and online connections and I felt so unvalidated unsupported and trying to understand any of it was too much for me It's been going on for several years now and I'm just finding my strength to say I've had enough everybody thinks of us is the perfect couple everybody looks at us and thinks we're just perfect together Nobody knows the true story and this betrayal on top of the affairs attacked my heart and soul to an extent that I can't even explain
Great video, as most are. I'm just a little disappointed, maybe discouraged, that in most videos it seems that the betrayed is automatically the female in the relationship and the unfaithful or "instigator" is generally referred to as the male. I feel that just reinforces old stereotypes of gender roles and (to me) the old "men don't cry" style approach to healing. I've experienced too many of those old, wrong stereotypes during my fight as a betrayed. Not only from my wife, but even people like HER parents and other friends and family who, at times even painted my unfaithful wife as the real victim because... I'm supposed to just laugh it off as the "strong male" who's not allowed to have "feelings".
The struggle is hard enough without those misconceptions, which even encouraged my wife to believe she actually IS the victim.
I’m a man and I’m here coz I’m trying to heal from infidelity trauma, heartbreak and depression
If you read into narcissistic behavior then you start to learn more about how the unfaithful try to get people on their side because of their shame and guilt. They call these people the “flying monkeys.” When they really get to hear the true story they tend to stay out of way then.
@@godzillanismo4892 me too brother!
Four steps of gaslighting, redirecting responsibility, discrediting your reality, saying you need or dismissing your therapist help, like saying did your therapist tell you that and criticizing your character flaws, looking at and turning it on you, these these tactics are often overlap.
That was spot on and a God send, especially this morning. Looking for part 2.. coming soon ?
Thank you Samuel for all you do.
part two thursday. thanks so much. i'm so glad it helped.
Hi again Ginny - Samuel and I had such a great time with our interview, I believe there will be a part 2! :)
I’m thrilled and grateful. Thank you Samuel and Sarah.
Thank you 🙏
Gaslighting was done to me even by the church congregation I attended.
You can not feel this or that because,....of what ever Bible verse is saying or not saying. That made me feel that the Lord condone this because of what ever sin I have done or can not overcome and that is why this pain is not easing up or persist.
My in-laws likes Gaslighting me telling me I am oversensitive and imagening things
Louiza, I am so sorry that you experienced that in your church. Unfortunately, it happens in a lot of places, and religious establishments can definitely gaslight their congregations. :( I hope you can sort through those things, find your truth, and that the pain will begin to east up.
The explanation of what Gaslighting does to the betrayed is what demonstrates to me that unfaithful are sociopaths. Cause the effects are as similar as Battered wife syndrome. To me an unfaithful is a damage individual however this individual is a sociopath or a combination of a psychopath and sociopath.
Derealization is the fog!
Had it for 14 years
... Psschhh. How about 40 years?! 😢 I thought forgiving meant my healing. Yeah, WRONG! Constant dripping and dribbling and now realizing I was never encouraged to get help to heal ME. I have constantly ignored my intuition so the dysfunction has controlled my entire adult life unbeknownst to both of us. Now he, "can support *ME getting counseling" (of course, not him).
Thank you so much. 4 Years since separation and I'm still working through the damage of my unfaithful, gaslighting ex. This was like a cool shower after wandering in the desert ❤ God bless
My husband cheated on me with his married coworker. I found out while on Day One of our family vacation.
Yes very helpful it would be nice to hear more from an X-gas-lighters Perspective.
Oh, Wow. Tremendous.
thanks so much
Thank you! :)
Major gaslighting from my husband. When I found out about his 2 year affair he actually said there was no physical anything messages say they did. He denies everything. Says he cheated on me cuz I didn’t go to bars with him and all I did was start fights. I was doubting myself and what had happened until I knew was gaslighting was.
After discovery of my wife’s long term affair, I’ve opened up Pandora’s box. I’ve heard of narcissism but I didn’t know what it was. I’m learning how much I was gaslighted. “You’re too sensitive. You’re crazy. I’m not cheating. That’s you’re guilty conscious. You’re psycho for snooping through my phone. You make things up in your brain.” I’ve seen how her mom and sisters are all narcissistic. I’ve began to point it out to her but she only thinks they are and not her. I pray everyday that she will surrender to Christ. It’s going to take a miracle for her to change. It’s been 2-1/2 years since discovery. I’m not seeing the change I really hoped although she is slightly changed. I tell her when she’s being narcissistic. That basically helps. I think she takes a step back and asks herself if she’s acting like her mom. Honestly it’s been good that her family doesn’t talk much anymore. I’m still hurting and she doesn’t know how to be empathetic at all. Another sign of her narcissistic behavior. Please pray for me to heal and her to change. I believe in the covenant of marriage and want my girls to see what forgiveness looks like in the eyes of the Lord.
This is happening to a friend of mine. She has been diagnosed as Bipolar type two, shortly after she saw husband naked with his best friend’s wife. Told what she saw not what she saw.
Her husband has systematically made out she is crazy. Enough to have her see councillor’s, prevented her going to events because she has become explosive.
All the while his best friend’s wife, continuously makes the situations seem like this friend is ungrateful for the loving care both she and her long suffering husband are giving her. The wife such a psychopath this gaslighting serves as a twofold defence, should she say anything to the best friend.
She have the evidence of their daily phone calls and unbeknown to her our other friends account of another similar incident, where they were having sex.
No one says anything for fear of wrecking two families. I’m not that close to her so my observations & knowledge would go down like a lead balloon. The blame attached to be rather than the guilty parties. What to do????
My husband had 4 affairs that I know of. We have been going thru this pain for a yr. He still lies to me. He makes up lies to compound the situation worse. Then he comes back hrs or days later and tells me it was a lie and he doesnt know why he told me that. The worse was that he never loved me he wanted to be single. I dont have the full truth so I don't even know when he stopped.
you'll need expert help my friend asap. maybe these resources will help you get him to get help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
If someone is a person who is 0% social, how would You recommend they approach groups through AR?
i would consult a professional about help for dealing with group situations. also, you can use an alias if you like for the group so you're identity is protected completely. the groups are safe, non confrontive and welcoming to those who are in crisis trying to heal.
I think your definition of “gaslighting“ needs to be tweaked. That is because when the unfaithful thinks and believes what she is doing is not wrong or at least justifiable. She is the one distorting reality, and it is necessary for that distorted and perverse reality to be challenged.
My spouse even has gone so far as to insist that I gave her permission to meet up with her old boyfriend when she had promised she wouldn’t, and did so anyway. To challenge her lies and self deception is not gaslighting, but your definition would put it into that category.
Hi Samuel. Could you give us the spelling of her name, and a website if she has one ..? Thank you 🙏🏻
www.sarahmoralescoaching.com my friend.
My husband will look at a woman from head to lower body parts and embarrassed the person and me while I’m standing to the side. So I call him out later and he says he didn’t do it. Do you think he don’t know he doing it. He get really mad but I’m not blind.
So gross and embarrassing. Also the arrogance is astounding.
I've told him my truth in my fax these days and whenever I say something he's always like he doesn't believe me he says that's not true lots of laughs and the gaslighting came from our friend while she was our friend she's his friend but we don't see her anymore but gaslighting was totally what she was doing to me
I'm sorry to hear that, Pamie. I hope you found a few things that were helpful to you in this video! Gaslighting can come from so many places/in so many different types of relationships. Seeing it is the first part of shifting the power back to you, and seeing through the gaslighting attempts.
I think you need to refine your definition of gaslighting. Someone said, “there is not your truth versus my truth, there is truth and the rest is your or my opinion.“ My wife was having an emotional affair but was in denial about it. When I was asserting that what she was doing was having an emotional affair, was that gaslighting? By your definition it would be, because I was questioning her reality. But the problem was not in me questioning her dubious reality. The problem was her self-deception. So in your equation there needs to be a space for “objective truth“, as well as “objective right and wrong“. Without those two components, it can forever be simply one person’s “reality” versus the other persons “reality”. So a better understanding of gaslighting is when someone is verbally manipulating someone else, in order to convince him or her of a false reality.