5 Things to Stop Doing After an Affair
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- čas přidán 24. 07. 2024
- During repair work, it's sometimes easier to know what NOT to do, in order to develop momentum both personally and relationally. Today, Samuel shares 5 mistakes people make after the disclosure of an affair or addiction. Avoiding these 5 things is crucial to the success of our personal healing as well as relational.
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- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I cling to words and advice of hope . Our story( my husband of 27 years) is unlike any I’ve heard. The betrayal unveiled to me almost a year ago is mind blowing. So your pieces of advice and guidance through such a dark storm are treasured. Much thanks for your commitment to helping myself , and so many other desperate souls that feel hopeless.
Nothing like a fresh kick in the crotch to help me stop feeling sorry for myself. Thank you again for another great video. "The body keeps score," is a great book that is helping me understand that I am 100% responsible for my terrible choice to destroy the one beautiful person in my life (my wife) with my infidelity. It is also helping me understand that the trauma we experience that is not processed is carried and can be a contributing factor to acting out, or doing drugs or gambling. I wish I had taken up heroin instead of being unfaithful to my wife. I wish I had destroyed myself instead of my wife, and family, and friends. Now, I can only try to heal and do no more harm to them and support them and their healing as best I can. I wish I had known sooner about how those traumas could affect a person. I may have been able to seek real help sooner. thank you again.
You and your wife will be in my thoughts and prayers! I wish you both the best! ❤️
how's ur life noe
Don't do any heroin man, it's just as bad. It's worse. Heroin is worse. Keep your head up man. I am in there with you. That guilt and shame.
I wish I can take back time too....
@jackmeikle2018
How did you find love again for your wife? How have you started to look at her again after you refused her and desired another woman? I know it can happen, but what gave you the motivation?
5 Things To Stop Doing After an Affair:
1) Avoidance
2) Minimizing
3) Controlling the spouse
4) Stop sulking in shame or as a victim
5) Weaponized ambivalence (stay or go yo-yo)
Thank you for all the support of this community. The past few months have proved to be... revealing... and thankfully clarifying. Even with all the changes and the chaos of the world both inside and outside our homes. What it comes down to for me... what I realize is that perhaps this was simply a symptom of a more insidious disease effecting our family. Staying in it with hope while my eyes are open is denying it myself, and means denying a chance to create a healthier environment for our children to grow up in. I'm as responsible for that as he is. Time to take pride in that responsibility, even though I wish so so so much that this option wouldn't seem like the healthiest for them or me. Wishing it would be different won't solve anything. Creating the difference is the choice now for me. Staying open while moving away. Keeping hope without excusing or refusing reality.
Avoidance is also silence. Minimizing the pain the betrayed is going through. Betrayed don't stay in victim mode. Don't let their addiction hold you down. Raise above the victim mode, become a warrior. Shame is keeping you from healthy life. Both have to gain their own recovery, and then as a couple try and heal the relationship. Wayward just because your spouse talks through things today doesn't mean they will not be triggered tomorrow. Wayward spouse one day at a time stay sober.
thanks for sharing all that Florence. so glad you're here
This is the best video that I've watched in this series. It is refreshingly honest and provides real advice for a divorce situation.
Thank you Samuel.
Always look forward to new video Thursdays.
Your words of wisdom are much appreciated.
means everything Robert. thank you for the kind words.
Hi Samuel and team. We ( husband and wife in recovery) are in New Zealand. You and your videos have been our backbone throughout our numerous lock downs here in Kiwi land.
I have a few questions that we havnt come across in your videos yet, can we email them to you please?.
It's a problem that I (betrayed) keeps getting stuck on. Would love to tell our story with your guidance.
Also, we just want to say thank you... And we are so sorry things didn't work out for you and Samantha.
We hope 2022 brings you both less difficult times and get to enjoy your lives ahead. You both are inspiring people.
Wow great video and insight. My ex husband weaponized ambivalence very very often. Whenever a question was too hard, or I made coming to an intensive a requirement or getting real qualified help, he was either wishy washy about it or said he wanted out. Whenever I was triggered or was quietly having a sad day, he did that. It controlled me for a while. I never saw the remorse from him during the short 15 months post discovery prior to our divorce, only guilt and shame. So sad.
Mine will walk out of the room and make an excuse as to why the conversation can't happen now. He's so skilled that he hopes if he just leaves every time eventually I'll learn that there's no point in bringing it up. I also haven't seen remorse. I've seen his rage for having his life fall apart, but it's not the same as remorse for the suffering he's caused.
I wish my husband could tell me about his feelings. He supports me in my healing, but his feelings... nope. Now, his family sucks at talking about feelings, so that's my conclusion. I know he feel guilty but how guilty, I don't know. Shame? No idea.
I'm stuck in hurt, pain, rage and hatred (especially against his AP). I want to move on, I want to just forget her, but she's in my freakin mind and nightmares.
I don't watch him like a hawk, neither checking his phone or laptop. But I don't trust him at all.
Thanks for sharing 💗
Why rage against AP he was the one who violated you. Could your rage actually be with him?
At least I feel safe here….I don’t feel safe with my wife now
Great video. Thanks for sharing 👍
thank you Greg and thanks for watching.
My husband has never been on individual therapy and I know for sure he would have found great benefit from it. In fact he is the only one of the family who didn't. We have been through couple therapy together and we had big talks and I know about his childhood wounds and traumas he received in his dysfunctional and violent family (physically and psychologically) and I just hope one day he will want to resolve his issues. He keeps busy by doing things for others now, volunteering with me in places where we have learnt new skills. My therapist said that sometimes just seeing the people you love change, makes them change too, so they are like receiving the benefits of therapy by being with people who have changed the way they see life. Many things have changed positively. Things are never perfect but hey ho, they can be greatly improved and ours are!
Thanks for all you do for us here listening to your videos it’s been so helpful. I felt like I was living in an alternate universe. I am finding my way…my husband and I are finding our way and whether we remain married or not we both have grown at least from this trauma
Thank you for this I realized I have done the weaponized ambivalence with out realizing it.ty
so glad i could help.
I too didn't realize I was even remotely weaponizing ambivalence. I am no longer doing it. I have set my boundary and holding firm.
Understanding that your ideas, strategies, methods, are proven successful, I can't help but to wonder if these things will work when working with a spouse who likely suffers from severe Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (refuses to be assessed for fear of having to face herself and the consequences of actions).
Carrying all 9 primary traits of BPD and 6 of the primary traits of NPD, I believe she is suffering from a dual diagnosis that without seeking any help, she is 100% destined for suicide, prison, murder/murdered. That was given to me by my therapist that I was seeing when I was insured, so that I could learn to cope with and help the woman I love who is suffering and through it she has literally destroyed and unmanned me.
The very nature of her affliction prevents her from doing the only thing possible to give her a small chance to get better.
I need help
If that's all true, why stay? If nothing can be learned, what prevents the betrayal from happening again? You won't trust again unless you believe the other person fully gets it.
This is my husband 100%
❤❤❤
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Okay for real this time is CZcams blocking a heavy amount of commentary or are the only comments being shown from men experiencing an unfaithful girlfriend/wife? Like am I the only one noticing that most comments are from men talking about an unfaithful woman?
@Samantha Davis I see comments from both women and men on this topic
Saddens me that so many women seem to be unfaithful to their husbands in this day and age. I'm sure men and women were adulterers in my grandmother's Era but it wasn't as prolific as it nowadays.
@@eventhere2788they didn’t have social media 🤷♀️