Narcissists and an introduction to victimhood
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- čas přidán 12. 09. 2021
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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What disgusts me about narcs is that *they play the victim after you call them out* when they were factual bullies/jerks towards you and NEVER/rarely apologize when you call them out 🙄
Yup. My sister in law constantly criticized me for years in front of the family and the one time I told her something about her behaviour (which I meant to be helpful) she printed off screenshots of my message and ran to everyone bawling that I was so mean. It took my husband 11 years to see that her behaviour was odd and unjustified 😅
They're always innocent 😇, it's how they go through life, stuck in misery yet wanting to be envied!
True. I had this last week here on Facebook. All of a sudden attacked on what i said, which actually was very supporting towards another person, i didnt say anything insulting. The most likely Narc who attacked me, accused me of something i clearly didnt mean or say. When i explained my comment a bit more the Narc became more aggresive, telling me that if i would have been more clear then she wouldnt have been agressive..putting the blame on me of her behaviour. I knew at that point i was dealing with a sick Narc. I know that there was no need to explain to her, true, but by explaining i made a fool of her...Narc dont like to be emberrassed.
@@joannasaadati8810 wow isn't that something! There you were keeping calm for so long and the one time you brought forth.... I knew my bro got 10k from malignant mom (not me though) and after listening to my sister in law, my ex bff, complain, again, about how my mom didn't help them out (our husbands make the same salaries) and how poor she was (not try) I was fed up, snapped and said I know she gave you ...... And she's hasn't spoken to me since which prohibits my seeing my brother and his kids because she rules them all! They'll only have a relationship with you if it is completely on their terms, they want drama, if we don't bring it forth, help build it up, it's just another way we've disappointed them and not held up our side of the relationshit!
Yep. Classic! Call them out and when they are blank to say anything back they go right into random "sob" stories. I have actually said What does "THAT" (what the narc was going on about) have to do with what we are talking about right now????
"don't assume everyone is having an easier life than you... Much more people have more terrible backstories/lives than you think"
"Learn how to reassure yourself"
"Keep a written list of all the good things that happened to you"
(Paraphrasing Dr R)
@Soul Maid Healing thank you. I'm hearing you've had a difficult life, and have found things that help, and I think the more strategies that can help people, the better, so thank you for that.
I'm in the UK, so our regulating system, and our medical training is very different here. It's more cost effective to cure ailments in a universalised healthcare system.
And I know I am **immensely fortunate** to be in a country with socialised medical care, with all the safety standards we have. Truly fortunate beyond measure.
This! 👏
It also astounds me how much people hide things from families to protect others, or themselves, or as something is so private.
I try so hard to protect my own mom from knowing my life, as I know it would burden and hurt her too much. Ironically, I found out recently, she's done the same for me for years.
..... We both had breakdowns, with brief stress induced psychosis, at age 40: both hid it from wider family. Genetics, environment, or history repeated?
...... But I have been hugely lucky, fancy pants degree, great career, taught myself to speak correctly: so everyone assumes I'm from massive privilege, and not a council estate on poverty pay. But that's life. Sometimes there's a lot of laughter from working out what miscellaneous food we can make from leftovers and some rice. My first world privilege is not lost on me though.
SOOO good! I just won a lawsuit against my neighbor whose dogs attacked me and my leashed dog on my own property twice. Now they flip me off and yell obscenities at me and my husband. I was the one attacked. They lost the lost suit, but THEY are the victims..... Your videos are so very helpful.
Instead of referring to myself as a “victim” of narcissistic abuse, I am a “recipient.”
Survivor
target of abuse
I love recipient. That’s a great term. It doesn’t judge nor qualify like the words as being a victim conjure. It’s up to us how we receive it and what we do with the knowledge as we learn to live with the narcissists we can’t cut out of our lives. I’ve recently cut a friendship. She was always claiming to be the victim and it took a while to see her narcissism. My life is much happier.
If it started when you were a child you didn't knew better
I like this one.
Earth is a difficult place to live. For anyone. No amount of money, fame or special treatment is going to change that. Even if you are thrown the best party, everything at your command, king for the day kind of life, you are still going to wake up at 3 AM with the same fears everyone else has. No one gets out of this alive. The trick is to find satisfaction- no matter what convoluted mess this imperfect world leaves with you with.
very true, although find modern life now just too complicated, my youth and 20's and 30's much easier..:(
This is great even if you don’t think you’re a Narcissist, but get a little whiny 😫 at times. 🙋🏻♀️
😪a little whiny at times! Shit happens 😂
Same :)
Yes! Re-centering and stepping out of that feeling that everything is coming for you is something that helps all of us.
I'm an empath who has been wounded over and over again and again by narcs. Is it any wonder that I'm a bit jaded.Dr. R has put it all into prospective and I am healing. Thust yourself and remain empathic with open eyes.
I feel like I've become more cold or at least less likely to put up with BS from anyone. Less tolerant for sure. I'm not mean and don't pick fights you know, but I watch out for my family and no one is going to harm us in any way if I can help it. We escaped the Narc trio 7 years ago. It will never happen again. I have grandchildren to protect and I will.
I grew up with narcissistic parents and definitely developed unhealthy coping strategies because of it, and although I’ve always tried my whole life to work towards a healthier mindset and behaviour, this is still really helpful for me even as someone who isn’t necessarily narcissistic myself but has been raised by abusive people having this mindset. Because of course parts of that get internalized and it can be so hard to find other ways to approach things when you have no clue HOW to do it... so I really appreciate it. Thank you always, Dr. Ramani. ♥️
Same for me
I agree as well. I’ve grown up in a world of victimization and this was a great video to round out some rough edges.
@Soul Maid Healing I haven’t tried EFT yet but I’ve heard positive things about it and always been planning on looking into it, thanks for the recommendation! I don’t live in USA so it’s a little bit different here but unfortunately I’ve also had way too much experience with therapists and doctors just wanting to put you on medications for depression and anxiety etc even though in my case it’s never worked. DBT was wonderful for me and really helped teach me to regulate my emotions, but that’s the only “official” therapy I’ve been in that’s ever worked, and it still didn’t help me process and understand the things I needed to properly heal from my past and growing up with narcissistic abusers.
I’m so glad I’ve always kept searching for the answers myself! It’s still a work in progress but I’ve found that learning about CPTSD, how trauma affects both the body and mind, figuring out your attachment style and identifying your core wounds, and doing inner child work have all been incredibly helpful for me. All of that has been done with easily accessible information that’s shared for free by lovely people here on youtube (such as Dr. Ramani) and nowadays I’m just so happy for all the hope I finally feel about life. 🌟
Same. I really struggle to cope with CPTSD and AvPD from a narcissistic upbringing and from growing up gay in an extremely anti gay area. I don’t feel life is uniquely hard, but I do feel like I lack the resilience and social skills I see in others that helps them survive, and that makes me feel great shame. Everyone wants to show you “tough love” when really you just want to know tools for coping and building self confidence that would allow you to return to the world.
Same here. I don't think I'm narcissistic, but by facts of life, I don't have the right "skill set" to adult well, at times. Consequently, these videos are really helping me in how to be a better person.
Narcissists are like babies.They start to complain, getting angry and cry(crocodile tears) when something is out of way. They immediately collapse, don't struggle.Thank you Dr.Ramani🙏❤
I was raised by an neurotic abusive mother and the absent father i fell into the people pleaser role to keep the peace and also had the toxic trait of going for people who didn't want me in a relatiships romantic ect ect but thought finding the channel it opened my eyes to how I was messing up. It was boundaries I didn't have in place due to sever maladaptive coping 😑 but im learning self forgiveness as well as forgiveness of others. I still have along way to go but im willing to put in the effort so my personal history doesn't stay a repeating cycle
This thought helped me: "Each person in the world is a leaf. I am but one of many. Each has a season that comes to an end, and the leaf falls where it may. Some become forest litter supporting the ecosystem. Others become mulch. Many are discarded or washed away. A leaf is not entitled to an outcome. Neither am I."
Done with rescuing others. I became depressed and anxious over time. I started rescuing myself. Life is so much better now. I'm no longer a codependent or a Para alcoholic. I'm able to empathize, but I don't enable or caretake.
I think we all need to be reminded of this fact of life. narc or not.
I was always tired & fatigued since very young. My older brother went on and on comparing what the other kids got that was better than his. I thought listening would help him feel better. No one seemed to notice that I was expected to clean up after all of them and didn't ask for anything. I'm just grateful to be alone and have quiet in older age!
I understood narcissism growing up as, those who walked through life with a chip on their shoulder and the world owed them some how.
My brother and I, grew up in the same environment. And somewhere, life is not fair, get over it, was impressed upon me.
But for him, it was, life has not been fair, it owes me.
Two very different world views.
So true, it really was exhausting to make my mom realize how blessed she actually was.
😂🤣" instead of why me, try why not!"😂🤣 I love it!
Thank you Doc❤
Rise to the challenge and be part of evolution, striving to better oneself in spite of your origins is a good educator/eye opener!
I struggled with the temptation to slip into victim mentality and bitterness because of shame about bullying and also struggles to find a job. But when I realized how I had fallen into this attitude I felt embarrassed and felt even more shame. Thank you Dr Ramani for breaking down this complex topic and telling the steps to change our thinking. It really is cognitive behavior therapy.
I'm going to watch this every day like a mantra
I don't think I'm narcissistic, but I do find this series immensely useful to re-centre back to "how to be a decent person".
I know my nervous breakdown 2.5 years ago (needing 2 psychiatric hospitalisations) made me an oxygen suck on others around me, and I truly hate that. I have to relearn how to be a self sufficient, self reliant, adult again.
My life has been mixed: I've had some of the biggest successes and luck possible, and some of the biggest tragedies: but this is NORMAL, it's life.... I'm immensely lucky to have survived, and to have only had a breakdown. That is a miracle, but it's also just life.
I have people who love me, and people who I don't get on with.
But life is not out to get me, it's not out to get anyone, it's just life.
When we're unwell, we usually need help and support from others. This doesn't make us 'oxygen sucks' if we can't manage on our own for a while. That's normal and expected. Glad you're better now 🤗.
I too found this particular video a good reminder that we're all just part of humanity 😊xx
very realistic reply, her videos are very useful and I'm not one but think my issues are grief and being used by a lot of people over the years.. had the same some major successes but now quite the opposite and nothing but awful luck and tradgedies for years, i've had people wonder how i stay sane, try to be positive but i am very reclusive now which is not by choice really naturally but never understood narc traits in others around me for decades but had huge impact on me and not in a good way..
My breakdown was so traumatic and devastating that it caused some damage. But, Thank God I'm alive. I cant quite do things like I used to do, but I recovered enough to live happy in my future. Took a long while but I'm on the other side. Love to all❤
Yes, if there were more videos from therapists about how to improve as a person, that would be very helpful for all people in general.
Maybe burnout, nervous breakdown and narcissism are somewhat similar in appearance. Unfortunately, I am afraid a lot of people who are in really deep pain does not get any kind of support from people around them, while the narcissists, given their ability to manipulate people well, they get all the validation they want... Everyone can be gaslighted to be a narcissist, if they went through trauma, and they might have problems they struggle to solve, have low self esteem and complain. But I think not everyone is narcissist just because of this. To declare someone a narcissist, I think they should get to know that person better, to determine: do they complain always, or was this only a rare occassion? Did it happen before that they indeed solved a problem and took responsibility? Because, well, I think it is not very empathetic that if someone struggles with something they even get shamed for having those problems. I think what defines narcissists most clearly, is, that they are cruel to people around them, really cruel, like they cheat on them and get money out of them, and they gossip behind their backs, and constantly ( not just once but always!) criticise and devalue and hurt people around them (sometimes even physically, sometimes emotionally), and that they lie, that is also a leading characteristic, and that they are always after money and power and position and constant attention, and they are willing to do everything to achieve that, like lying and cheating and manipulating and ruthlessly using people, regardless of the suffering they cause to those people. So well, using victimhood as an excuse for not doing anything to change is a narcistic characteristic too, but not everyone who is not able to solve all of their problems instantly and once complains about it is a narcissist. It must be something that is constant: that they never even try to break out of those circles, ever. But a lot of people do try, and it would be good if people understood what it means to have a nervous breakdown or a burnout. Because that means, that a usually optimistic person who usually tries hard to be a good person and works on him/herself, that person reaches a point when they cannot hold things together... They loose hope and their usual optimism... They behave completely out of character. And at this point, maybe these people really would need some emotional support. Whereas those people, who call everyone narcissist who has depression for instance, regardless of how much they hurt those people, and they have a lot of contempt for these people... Well I think those might be covert narcissists too: because having no empathy with others, feeling high contemt for a lot of people, deliberately hurting people, thinking they are better than others- that's are narcistic traits too. Always get to know a person first and ask them what they try to do to solve their problems, before denouncing them narcissist on first glance.
It is true as you explain it. Despite their success and luck they complain about anything. So I find that they really struggle to be grateful and appreciate the simple things in life and see the bigger picture and the real struggles of others including the impact of their behavior. As you say, no amount of reassurance or love can make them feel better or change. Thank you for this Dr. Ramani, you are a beautiful human being 💖
Completely agreed to your comment 👍👏🌹
@@shiny7301 Thank you😊🌹
Yes this 👏
@@jarista9844 Thank you😊
Such a hassle to be around, just too much work!
Me... The tree
Parents...The axe
Enablers.. The wood chipper!
Oh and don't the wood choppers make an endless racket! They now leave the motors running (for safety reasons he said) and pollute the air too!
"Others are going through stuff, often a lot more worse than you.....Assume that"
Sometimes they know that others have gone through worse.
I once heard the narcissist complaining about the really tough year they had financially. Yet, on Instagram they had posted photos of the new house they bought, trip to Disney World, bathroom remodel, and countless photos of dining out. The people around them had gone through truly hard times, and the narcissist knew it. I still roll my eyes are thinking about how insensitive they were that day.
i notice that with people online or in the news a lot, all they seem to have in life is to worry about which amber or red country is off or on the covid list and how they are going to survive without their annual holiday not getting messed up.. really irritating to some of us and our problems in life.
They don’t know that other people have tough lives. That would require theory of mind, and narcissists don’t have that.
It's complicated, really. The more I listen and understand to the reality of this disorder it really made sense why no contact is the most effective antidote if you find yourself being involved in any kind of rel.with a person who suffers with npd.
We have our own crosses to carry in this life time, and it is no one's responsibility but us, alone.
They don't 'suffer' from it, you do, it's their personality, not a disease. Most likely, you are an Empath, it's just a descriptive word for your personality style.
@@chrisdavis7617 ok ,cool man! 😅
@@chrisdavis7617 Do you not understand that half of the folks calling themselves an 'empath' are in fact narcissistic? It's a paradox.
@@mlr4524 Yes and the person I was commenting to could very well be a Narcissist playing games.
My mother is a chronic victim and trying to help her nearly pushed me over the edge and I had to go no contact in order to survive. I found it so difficult to understand as her life's been pretty ok. She had a man that adored her until the day he died. 10 years after his death, my mother never praised him or had fond memories of him - none that I heard anyway. But at 86 she kept going on about even things that happened during her early school years, who does that. She never spoke about the present, but her life was about the past and every perceived slight.
AND THEY STAY HEALTHY WHILE LIVING FAR FAR TO LONG...
@@a_peary_legal5151 since I wrote I've had some serious health issues arise. It's serious enough that I've made a decision that I have to limit travelling in any form and I won't be traveling outside my own town. I coping fine, but the best part of it is that no one can ask or expect me to go to see my mother who lives over 100kms away (over 60miles). And she doesn't drive, so I feel pretty safe.
I sometimes complain about how my life sucks, then I watch the news and see that my life is pretty great compared to what's happening to other people around me.
It keeps me humble, and grateful because things could always be worse.
"The narcissistic victimhood, Chronically perceives threats in everyone, Victimising mentality no matter how good their life might be. Intitled to justice and fairness but not for everyone else. "
I loved it in your book “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” When you described the difference between ‘normal’ lying vs pathological lying for example. I’d love to see a video series on these differences as video format may help a lot of other people who struggle with written word. Plus I’ve often found myself describing myself as narcissistic for being proud of accomplishments for example rather than just being proud for the first time in a long time 💙
Yesss! I would love a video on lying and narcissism - especially about things that don’t really matter
@@ashcoolik4492 So would I.
Yes! Good idea! Also read the book. I just remembered my ex once telling me when I was struggling to push myself for a better salary at a job "I know you don't like to lie but sometimes it's ok and needed". 😅 Telling. Better not go through the innumerous times she did that exactly.
You know I get
Accused by a narcissist of bragging about something you should be proud of is nothing wrong with being proud of some thing you did especially when people are always devaluing you devaluing what you did that’s what I do OK so what I’m proud of myself doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist
Me too
My siblings are such the representative of this pattern. There's no arguments, no rationale, no way that would show them (I went no contact) that their life is in a high percentage guided by their own decisions. Always projecting and complaining about everything that would go wrong in their lives. Envious, jealous of my ability to thrive and accomplishments. Hot and cold. One day seeming proud of what I am, the next day envious of my ability to survive the ups and downs of life, pushing me down, more or less nuanced. I am writing this from a forest reserve in the Philippines almost 2 years into the pandemic, alone, isolated. If there's something that this ordeal taught me is to break the cognitive dissonance I had. I am a calm person and highly capable of managing my emotions. To survive. Resilient. Driving my way in the present and into the future. Not what they always said. The opposite. Thank you, once again for giving food for thought and illuminating the dark path of shadows that these people cast on their narc suppliers.
They want drama hence their situations, I'm sure that if I stood on a railroad track I'd eventually get hit by a train! There are enough dangers, disagreements and harderships out there without purposely looking to create more, that's fun?
Yes that's so true. It's so liberating when empathic people who were narcissist magnets eventually realise how strong they are in reality, how resilient they are and when they finally see through the manipulatons. I am so happy for you that you found your peace, freedom and strength ❤️
Find the purpose in life. It's the only remedy. Thank you, Dr Ramani and blessings to you 🙏💐
If only they would "get a life "
One of the most useful things: fight for the world to be kinder to everyone: that means starting with you, and it starts with me. We have to live it, day in, day out, help wherever we can -- but here's the deal, we're not allowed to tell anyone, and we're not allowed to complain about it, nor brag (we can tell a therapist, or Dr R). But this is about OTHERS. About making THEIR lives easier. Let's all commit to doing this: just saying kinder things, being kinder. Feel angry? Go for a walk, punch a cushion in private, find an adult soft play room until you laugh it off. Listen to others, really listen, try to understand how they experience life, especially how WE make THEM feel (but never tolerate abuse). Read books like "Girl A" about the Rochdale abuse ring, read about the Tuskegee syphilis study, read about the babies born in regions Agent Orange was used, or read about the children born on Hiroshima after the bomb, watch the film "earthlings": try to imagine HOW DO THESE PEOPLE FEEL.
........ And write down all the ways life has been good to you, I'll do the same....
...... Even in the most horrifying abuse, there is often at least one decent person somewhere who was kind. And stop and think: maybe the girl with the posh accent went through grooming, coerced child prostitution and homelessness, but she speaks posh to hide her past from everyone because she's scared and vulnerable: *don't assume her life was better* none of us know what others have lived through.....
....... But that's life. It's grossly unfair, and most people hide their difficult realities, and just get on with it, more than any of us realise.
*YOU SAID IT!!!* 👏👏👏
This was a perfect video to share with people. You would be surprised how many people have no clue they are narcissists...even in support groups. I "met" a new potential friend recently via a phone call, who was a member of a narc recovery group and lived close to me. She is supposed to be the victim of a narc.... but within less than 5 min my narc-dar alerts went up. To be polite, I mostly listened for about 25 min before I interrupted her "I'm better than everyone" resume, poor-me tirade, and list of things that I should change about how I live my life, and how I should be taking notes from our call...WOW!! I told her I didn't appreciate a total stranger trying to shame me to change my life choices (stores I choose and church I attended). I felt like I was hearing my ex in a woman's voice. I just got away from my narc ex. I don't need a narc friend. I didn't call her a narc... but that was clearly what she is. Our friendship lasted whopping 31 min call... bullet dodged.
Loved the "narc dar" bit.
Thankfully you didn't have anything invested in this "friendship" and nipped it in the bud. I've learned my lesson the extremely hard way and have no problem walking away from a person the minute I sense any toxicity. Life is too damn short to give up any of it to emotional vampires.
Similar thing happened to me recently. I misread a neighbor whom I thought was truly a sweet outgoing wonderful person.
Every time I would see her we would wave to each other and smile. She kept wanting to get together so I said okay come on over one day. From the very onset she had a sour angry affect and went on to tell me that the gift I had left her a year ago was from Safeway (Chocolate) and not Trader Joe's chocolate LOL then she went on to talk about how horrible this guy she's been dating and how her sister is a big problem causing trouble for her and she went on and on with negative comments. Then she proceeded to tell me how great she is. Talk about disappointed. I'm a little bit hard on myself because I think that I misread her. I was left feeling anxious and a little violated. I decided to go ahead and drop a gift off at her door but that will be the last time I could ever be around her. It was sort of my secret farewell goodbye. I left her a chocolate bar (huge chunk) from Trader Joe's wrapped with a birthday card.
Most bizarre experience.
Perfect, as usual. You try to please them in all ways, and it’s never enough or “the right way” they wanted it… and you end up believing that you are the “bad guy”, because of the gaslighting.
This is so true... It really is exhausting... trying to make such a narcissistic person feel better...
Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️
Happy Monday friend Jacky he he 😁☺
Dr. Ramini, I take comfort watching your videos. I grew up in an inter-generational narcissistic family. Total chaos and dysfunction. Your videos have been very informative and enlightening. If only I knew then what I know now. After decades of being narcissistic supply, I am now in the devaluation and discard phase. I am ruminating and grieving. Placing him first made my deceased daughter feel second best. This breaks my heart. I will carry this to my grave. I am so very sorry.
Try to forgive yourself 💙 everyone is responsible for their own life, what they get out of it. I am so sorry for your daughter. But it was not your fault alone. Really. It was not your fault. Forgive yourself. I forgive you. 💙❤️💙
If ONLY, gets us nowhere. Get up and move forward. Lose the NARC.
Such a dark life,not being grateful to anything in life.Playing a victim card to make people melt or complain about their scarcity, that sucks
My small comfort after this experience is that while my head is in a recovering confusion, theirs is in permanent Purgatory.
Great video. Narcissistic or not, I think these tips are helpful for everyone. I’m going through a pessimistic emotional funk right now and am going to re-watch for sure.
I think we all are entitled to Justice - not just me.
But, I'm not willing to let go of the drive for justice.
We have to make it right.
Not individually but collectively.
Yes, but only peacefully and without hurting others. I wish humanity would reach the state when there are no more wars and people killing each other.
Huh, your point about learning to reassure yourself made me remember how the parents in my friends circle say that learning to self-soothe is important for kids to learn, but it can be so difficult for some. I imagine that for a narcissist, learning to self-reassure is like going back to childhood and learn to self-soothe. Maybe that's something some of them never learned to do?
Oh my!! This is my sibling!! They are the victim in EVERYTHING!! So bad that for 50yrs I have dealt with constant competition (they compete with me, not me with them), but the stupid part is they are competing with health issues. I had an injury years ago that left me permanently disabled. It exacerbated other health issues. This sibling is now faking health issues & trying to play the victim card with family & friends. They fly off the handle, throw things, slam doors & say, “You just don’t understand.” When on the contrary I would be one that understands. This sibling is older than me yet acts as if they cannot do anything on their on. Always needy & unfortunately that sometimes falls on our elderly parents. And what do our parents do - give in to them, baby them, ENABLE them. Enough is enough & I have completely distanced myself from this sibling, I am no longer talking to them or even listening to anything they have to say. I go into the other room. I refuse to be near them or connected in any way through social media. I have enough problems of my own to deal with. I don’t need the extra stress. I’m done!! Whew!! 😅
I completely agree with you Dr Ramani. Luck without hard work is definitely going to be a tough path. We gotta put in some work to create our own luck or materialise it. Thank you!
We're masters of our own ships, narcs are there to throw anchors off the ⛵ sides having cast all life jackets aside, put holes in the dingies and clogged up the toilets!
@@joseenoel8093 Ah. That would be hardwork without luck!
I don't think a true narcissist would have the insight to do what you suggest but this is a good primer for any of us to use to lead a good life. Narcissists also need to play the victim because the attention they receive is 'narcissistic supply'. And they can't identify their feelings because of their shame. I love your videos Dr Ramani!
Always working super hard to include everybody. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
This was great! Everyone needs to hear these things from time to time. I have been having a series of unfortunate events lately and falling into the trap of thinking that the universe is out to get me. I really needed to hear this. 😂
What about those of us who were harmed by a personality disordered parent for decades? Are we supposed to lie about what we experienced? I grew up in a household where all the kids under the roof were my step mothers children. I was the only one there who was not her bio child. She abused me and lied to and about me to everyone she could. I was just a little kid who had not had a mother and was over the moon excited to finally be getting one. Boy was I wrong....
Am I a narcissistic victim for telling the truth about the things she did to me?
Not dumping your shit onto anyone that happens to come along doesn't make your experiences any less valid.
No you are not. Heal on your own schedule...it is not a linear route to recovery and acknowledging your real wounds and how they shape your awareness is how you heal.
@@dominique-valois ?????
This is timely. I've been concerned about being narcissistic because I can spot patterns in myself and waking up to that is depressing. I see life as really unfair because it is. My dad didn't believe in educating women, so collage was out for me, but truthfully I couldn't have pursued that because I was so very deeply insecure. I was completely groomed to accept a narcissistic relationship that I've been stuck in for over four decades. Fortunately I have been on a path of growth all my years and often I can see how fortunate I also am as well. Still I have days that I'm pretty depressed. I do have strategies for dealing with that. Your videos help and you are my favorite teacher on this subject. Really one of those "lucky" breaks. Women were devalued and NO one wanted to rescue ME LOL. They were too narcissistic for that.
Thank you for this. A great perspective check as I come out of trauma therapy and don’t want to get stuck in victim hood. Also a good reminder that the anger I feel sometimes can be part of grief. I forgot that part. Playing the hand I was dealt, keeping a gratitude journal and making healthy choices moving forward. Thank you 🙏😊❤️
I wish you healing, peace and happyness❤️ you are doing good❤️
The narc I left loved to spout the “I deserve ___” phrase and mostly attributed it to the fact that he worked hard. Lots of people work hard, and that fact isn’t anything unusual. Life isn’t fair and is often very hard. Another thing that he (& his mother) always believed in “get rich quick” schemes. The only result of those schemes is that someone else walks away with more of your foolishly spent dollars.
I have a buddy who has narcissistic tendencies and does this, and whenever I tell him he’s being insensitive he says, “I am an educator! I donate to charity!” Both of those things can be true while still being a jerk to me right now. Most careers do involve serving others.
We get what we deserve some of the time, and other times we don’t get what we think we deserve. That’s when we need to channel our 5 year old selves and remember what our kindergarten teacher used to say: “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
Thank you for doing this series! In my past relationship, I was told that I was a narcissist among other things and all of my friends who have known me for years said that I'm not. Admittedly, my relationship was not healthy and I was left thinking which one of us was the narcissist was I really that bad was she really that bad, I am no longer sure of who I am but I know I want to be better and I'm going through therapy to heal and your videos have been an amazing tool for me! Especially, this series, I still want to talk to my therapist as a diagnosis but I might be a vulnerable or a covert narcissist, and I don't want to be one if I am. Not only does it affect my relationships, it ends up affecting the potential I do have because of my entitlement to just expect things to happen because I am me and it has led me to have dysthimia, anxiety, bulimia and an awful terror of abandonment, which ultimatele might have become my leaning towards a narcissistic personality to protect myself, but that solves nothing. Thank you for taking thr time to read this, whoever does it, we can be better, it just takes a lot of work and some time!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dr. Ramuni!
Thanks for this Dr. Ramani. I know I don't feel entitled or more deserving of justice than anyone else. I feel better now. 😌 ❤
Again, Doctor, thank you for awareness. Grieving. Healing at acceptance with relative who doesn't want to go deep. Need trust and safety. Reconciliation and some understanding of this daughter is my goal
Never the victim, just a lucky dumb dumb that was unaware of the red flags, or I ignored them thinking it was wrong to notice them. The good thing about being dumb is that I have room to learn. Today I follow the entropy of the universe, accept that the universe can only get more chaotic as time passes. We can't live backwards, it's physically impossible. Thank you Dr. Ramani for the videos. They are so inspirational 💙💙🤘🤘
I must admit that watching this video gave me tremendous ebbs and flow of anxiety 😟 mainly b/c my brain is prone to doing the flip flop of being for and then ‘against’ myself from experiencing so much gaslighting and family mobbing as a child. These were often the sorts of things I’d heard (in the antagonists’ defences) So, i guess i am still struggling more than i realized i was, in recovering my self esteem and self worth… i find the occasional parallels between cptsd and narcissism and varying other personalities or conditions to be literally mind boggling sometimes, where it’s as though i can’t tell which side of the ‘looking glass’ anyone is anymore… 😟🤦♀️🤷🏻♀️❤️🩹
❤️🤗😌 I hear you
When someone whines and they have more than me, I know what you mean! I remember someone was complaining that their job didn't give paid time off for a day they were sick, but I had a job where I would be fired if I stayed home because of a stomach flu. So I didn't want to hear it!
That's correct! Play the hand you are dealt.
Thank you so much for this series 💛 You're helping so many of us to make sense of our family traits, bad habits, and fears that we are who our abusive exes tell us we are.
totally agree, since I started watching these videos about 9 months ago, can understand now the last couple of decades or more of my life, shame it took all that time though as never could understand why some people are like that... struggled for years dealing with stuff.
Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ my past does not get in my way anymore. Life is at times unfair and things that are awful happen. But that's where we learn our strengths and no regrets. Its difficult but once you go around a rodeo or so, you are stronger against it and you keep going forward. You overcome!😊❤
We put up stop signs, when possible, get out of harm's ways when we run into them, are we there
to take crap from them after fighting so hard and long to not take it from others?
Whoa. That intro & example strikes the picture of a certain prince & his wife. Victimhood is certainly the weapon of choice in today's grim reality. The aim seems to be exhaustion & suffocation ... basically knocking the wind out of one's sense of humanity or propriety.
Love it! They're all victims of their own sad sack stories, meanwhile we all know who their true victims were, are and will be! How sad they are, wanting their lives to be pitied, I won't pity them their karma, they can just keep dreaming, works for me!
Thank you so much for addressing this. Constantly blame shifting, always feeling like I'm treated unfairly, reacting poorly and feeling guilt and shame afterwards, and feeling like life passed me by has been a huge pattern that I've only begun to see as the reason my life is so chaotic. The vulnerable narcissistic mindset is where I've spent most of my time, and now that I'm actively trying to shift to a less entitled mindset, I'm finding more peace for myself (and more importantly, for others.) Realizing that life truly isn't fair and realizing all the ways I am actually very lucky has been healing.
My dad modeled many narcissistic traits as I was growing up - he was too good to get a regular job and had to be "his own boss", so my mom unfortunately had to work twice as hard to keep a roof over our heads. I realize that I'm exhibiting the same attitudes ("I have a college degree, I shouldn't have this low-level job") and I don't want to end up the same way. It leads to always being dissatisfied, never getting anywhere in life, and people do get tired of all the negativity and rage reactions when they offer constructive feedback. It's hard to work on these patterns, but after having also been on the receiving end of narc abuse, I can see how these attitudes hurt people and drive them away. Thanks again for your guidance on this topic - 10 years ago I wouldn't have listened, but I'm listening now.
Thanks for posting your story MK, wishing you healing and peace..for those in your life as well.
"Life isn't unfair for Everyone" expressly when they take that victimhood to their last days Rich or poor wealthy or not, they take pain ball hand it for everyone else rather than explore the love that's around them their whole lives, and explore everyone had done the best that they can do.
Very true
Thank you very much for this content directed to people who are wondering if they're narcissists. Not only can it help narcissists trying to be better but also they are a great resource for people who are still not sure if they are narcissists or if they have narcisistic traits.
Outstanding and freeing information. It has been years since I heard someone say count your blessings. Personally I don't know if it was grief or trying to set boundaries, but I did forget the joy of seeing the smile from an old friend. Sometimes we give the people that hurt us to much power, and not enough credit to the ones that love us. Important thing I don't want to forget again.
To me, this is hard! I've been since always told by the same people who harmed me, or by their enablers to suck it up because there are far more serious troubles in the world than mine. Unfortunately, I've listened to them quite too much and looked at myself as unworthy of this or that, kept introspecting myself pointlessly, and today I understand: I was trying to kill a possible narcissist in myself that didn't even exist. I was the truth teller and that disturbed. But it made me constantly doubt my reality because it has been always denied or twisted by the people interested not to dive in the harm they've done to me. In the end, doesn't it look like the whole world is against me? It started with my mom whom I trusted in good or bad until I understood she was constantly shifting for the simple purpose of manipulation. Since I was a good student I was hoping to escape this familly sistem with recognised qualities at university, at the job and so on. She wouldn't let go and would contact people working with me and basically induced a lack of trust around me which later turned into some sort of mobing and led to serious consequences in my life. I really don't know about narcissists' victimhood, I only know I never found a safe space to grieve without being jugged or trotted down. I ended up being called the narcissist, isolated and with literally almost no one to turn to without discovering later another enabler.
After all, I kept trying. And people couldn't even guess that I was doing a good job or smilling despite my broken heart. So, how come they wipe everything out and turn into evil what I've worked so hard for because they are induced to look at me through a broken glass?
It's in moments like this when it is hard not to feel that people are against me, but not because I'm a narcissist ( I was afraid of that sometimes, following this channel, but mostly because it seemed to repeat some people's words, but not because the issues were treated properly). But these videos also thought me to see the difference and to trust what I've been thought to constantly dismiss: my reality.
This video made me cry but also made me smile!
I know - you suffer abuse - if you say something about it, somehow it is your fault. The Narcissist is such a good liar & a blame shifter.
It takes 2 to tangle (enabling narcissist abuse)Both people are at fault in an argument. Takes a tough turn when it comes to narcissistic relationships. ONE OF THE MOST CHALLENGING PATTERNS IN PEOPLE FACING NARCISSISTIC ABUSE endure is self blame. People tend to blame themselves in a narcissist relationship for everything that has gone wrong (& in other areas of their life). Blame themselves for not saying things right - blame themselves for not understanding what the narcissist has gone through. All this self blame can lead to isolation & shame. The abused person takes this to heart & starts to believe that it is their fault. Somehow they are contributing to this. Or things they are doing is bringing this out- after all it takes 2 to tangle. The challenge is NONE is TEACHING about NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS. NOONE IS TEACHING ABOUT WHAT TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT. Manipulation, Cruelty, Invalidation, Sadistic & Vindictive Behavior.
@@patriciavanwinkle3693 Thank you!
@@patriciavanwinkle3693 self blame...yes, true..thank you for this explanation
I am so sorry you went through that. I have similar experiences .. 😢 but yes, you are right: you are strong, incredibly strong! Because you manager to come out of this, even through noone supported you, but rather tried to drag you down. So you are immensely strong! And you can evolve and learn, and you are able to self-support yourself and you take responsibility for your life. These are all things which narcissists don't do. You are not a narcissist, you are a good person. ❤️ I wish you further happyness, peace, and freedom in your life ❤️
@@june.w.1288 Thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot to me!
I had to go through intense grieving after radical acceptance that neither my parents nor my two sisters ever wanted what's best for me. It was very painful to finally let go of the hope that someday my sisters and I will have a good relationship. Only then was I able to start valuing myself to want to take responsibility to create the life I want.
Holly crap! You've described my neighbor to a T!! "Why me, why me" he even expected a visitor to pick up his trash after animals went through it even though he's 100% capable of doing it himself. He was actually angry they saw the trash bin and didnt pick it up for him. It IS exhausting listening to it. Wow. This brings me so much relief to hear.
I knew this comment section would be interesting because most of us listening are not narcissists. My life has had a lot of ups and downs and I have a tendency to get sad and feel sorry for myself. although I understand that there are many people suffering and you cant judge a book by its cover I still at times feel that I just never got a break and I have fallen through the cracks of life and that others are just lucky whereas I am not. I realize this is victim-like thinking and not healthy so I practice daily gratitude. The trials and tribulations I have been through are not small. I was orphaned as a teen. The rest of my family also died before I turned 12. I spent my 20,s and 30,s in relationships with narcissistic men. I became a single mum in a foreign country with no support. I have numerous health problems and I am not financially stable for a 53 year old woman and that scares me. I know its not healthy for me to feel victimized by life, by my body and by people I tried to love and I try, I really try not think like that. Recently an old friend of mine accused me of being a covert narcissist because of this victim-like stance I sometimes have. It made me really paranoid. I checked all the criteria in the DSM 5 and I dont have any of those traits but after watching this video I am wondering if my CPTSD/ victim stance comes across as narcissistic to others???
I had a neighbor who often said you come into this world with nothing & you leave this world with nothing. It's what do in-between that counts. The biblical parable of the talents.
I just lost my mom. She left some inheritance for me & my brother but my dad wants to take everything for himself. She died because of COVID but he wants us to lie about how she died so people won't blame him. Please talk about this more.. why would someone do something like this to his own kids. Why would someone disrespect my mom's memory. Why does he want to take everything that our mom left for us away from us? I am so angry and I am in pain.
If it’s in a will there’s nothing he can do. If it’s not the spouse, in most states, have right of survivorship. The last thing one needs is these issues after a death. Sometimes it’s just not worth it. Very sorry for your loss.
I wrote this poem this summer about my narcissistic parents. I finally saw them for what they were, and the realization made me come to terms with my own narcissistic tendencies that I have since been battling with all that I have. I am now no contact with them and feel more at peace than ever before.
Please read at your leisure and enjoy!
“Reflection”
By Tammy Painter
-I am undisciplined!
I am unrefined.
Yelling out of anger.
Losing my freaking mind!
Taking no blame,
I am above it all!
Burying shame beneath my ego,
I manage to still stand tall.
I feel my pain acutely…
How the world has trampled over me!
This hurt, my unwavering excuse
To treat others as I please.
My victims I cannot hear!
My defense towers too high.
How can I say I’m sorry
When that part of me has died?
I divorced my heart from my soul,
And set up barriers in my mind.
I cannot be the perpetrator!
I’m the victim every time!
My pride is my strong tower!
To apologize is to be beat.
The world has messed me over,
So do not mess with me!!-
All this I see in You,
And I get it, I understand.
Someone broke that child inside you,
So you had to take a stand.
But don’t you even get it?
That you’ve done the same to me?
That I’m just now waking up,
And setting myself free?
No more will I fight
For your love and respect.
Though I wanted it from you,
I have found it in myself.
Farewell, and please know,
These sentiments come not from hate.
I’m jumping ship to save myself,
Before it is too late.
Because what really hurt me most,
This ominous, sinister epiphany,
The darkness I despised in you,
I also saw in me!
That painfully honest realization,
How it took my breath away!
Condemnation I gave to you,
But I was much the same!
So now, I challenge myself…
Am I capable of change?
Able to say sorry
When I am the one to blame?
Able to tell my victims
I was the problem all along?
Able to turn my villain’s tale
Into a redemption song?
I’m going to try with all my might
To rewire my broken mind!
With repentance cleansing each part of me,
Peace I’ll seek to find!
‘Cause, who knows?
If all this hurt, I someday can undo…
Maybe, O’ Fellow, Tortured Soul,
Maybe, someday you can too.
WOW WOW WOW!... Tammy, That's amazing. What a talent you have,my friend! Very powerful. You can do anything you put your mind too...Your "switched on". Wish you all the very best... Your in charge now,run with it! ✌️🌻🌈
Our old dog was dying. He bleeted that "This is why I don't want dogs, I get upset when they die." No thought for the rest of the family who were losing a friend. The irony of it all was He bought the dog.
Yes they really fight to avoid pain but make life more painful for others 🧐😏
Sorry he was a A hole..they just are!
How dare the dog die on him!
My old dog dying was the turning point for me in the relationship. For the first time in 7 years I needed some understanding for the grief I was going through or at least be left alone to grieve and it just wasn't there. No emotional connection to my pain at all. Sad.
that is actually a big deal for those who might question themselves. Good job, Dr Ramani!
I’m so excited for this series!! I was called a Narcissist by my ex. Through all the content I went through; books, audiobooks, podcasts and videos. I found out who the narcissist really is. If it wasn’t for her calling me a narcissist I may still be in the cycle of hovering love bomb devalued and discarded.
This is really validating, and it feels nice to know that there are enough truth tellers out there to have a family role "standardizing" the concept. Thank you for sharing all of this content. it breathes life into wounds and helps heal moments I didn't realize were compromised until I felt better about them.
Everyone can root for their justice and fairness
Thank you so much for all your work, Dr.Ramani! Endless Thank You! So many eye-openers here, it's a crucial turning point to see things for what they are, naming things as they are, getting out of cognitive dissonance and stopping invalidating our own feelings and emotions. Thank you, you are a beautiful gift of grace!
Ohhhh my goodness. I was studying Eris & this link was included in the article. As soon as the video started & I heard your voice, my jaw dropped. Lol. I am so grateful to have found your channel.
Thank you 🙏
Thank you for doing this series, it's helpful for wanting to do better ❤❤
Even if I’m not narcissistic this content is so valuable. Seems like everyone could be if it from this information. I know I certainly need to grieve some things and it’s extremely helpful to learn from your Chanel Dr. Ramani. Thank you. So much.
Dr. Ramani! I just want to thank you. You have no idea how greatly your videos have helped me find the narcissistic people in my life including two members of my family, a few friends and almost every person I have been in a SORT OF a relationship with and let them go. I always felt that there was something wrong with my childhood and my relationship with my father but no one could point out what it was until I found your channel. You explain every detail so precise and simple that it makes me feel like you've been watching my life and analyzing it, haha! Anyway, you help me tremendously that after watching each video I wanna come to LA give you a hug and thank you and go back. You are truly an amazing person, thank you thank you thank you
I feel like you have a hidden camera in our home! Even tho there is little we can do about our current situation just listening to you and your expertise on narcissism has made our lives a bit more bearable.. Thank you so much!
Please make more videos addressing the narcissist directly! They need this. This is so helpful and necessary. Great video thank you!!!
Thank you for taking the time to make this video for the narcissists. Narcissists(myself) who are putting in the work to change want to thank you for the work that you do. Thank you.
I'm so glad for channels like this. It has helped me unlearn so many bad behaviors that I grew up to believe were normal. It never felt right, but I grew up believing I was the weird one that needed fixing. Well I DO need fixing, but not in the way THEY said.
Thank you so much for this Dr. Ramani 💗 I grew up with two narcissistic parents. It wasn't until they passed that I finally understood this, and I realized I had adopted some of the same manipulation tactics. I had never thought of myself as a bad person. I had plenty of empathy, but I was also full of anger over my bad childhood. I had the wherewithal to know mine wasn't nearly as bad as some others, but I could never let go of my grief. I didn't even consider that it was a possibility. My mind was stuck on "what could I have been, if I had been shown more kindness and encouragement as a child?" While my parents were alive, I clung to the fantasy that we were a tight knit family, but now I see it for the codependency it was. Where I once continued for decades to seek the acceptance I never received, I suddenly truly feel free to be my own person, rather than the good, loving and doting daughter being my main identity. My childhood home was definitely one where the children were there to serve the narcissist.
I'm finally discovering who I really am, and I have found the peace you speak of, from accepting the past and letting it go. It's taken me 3 years of therapy, journaling and learning, to get to this point, and I am always searching for ways I might still behave in a manipulative manner, so I can stop doing it. I know it's for their own self preservation that self-aware people have no patience for narcissists, and that is a good thing. The only thing that can force them to change is when their system no longer works for them. So I am grateful for those like Dr. Ramani, who take the time to help us see beyond ourselves. Best to all.
Thankyou Dr Ramani. I have learnt so much from you. I need to learn about narcissistic people and you are teaching me and many others.
Dr. Ramini these videos have helped so many understand and navigate through all of the complexities of the narcissistic relationships in our lives. Today I am celebrating 5 years of learning about narcissism and becoming 'narcissist free'. You have been very much a part of that journey so from the bottom of my heart I want to say Thank you!💖
Dr. Ramani, I love you. Just this evening (09/14/2021) I had the most deep conversation with a partner for 16 years, realizing that all difficult situations between us have been processed from their POV of a covert vulnerable narcissist with codependency issues... And after 4 hours of explaining what the issues are in their interpretation of our shared history, realizing that my boundaries and wellbeing have never been taken into account, I came back home and saw this video. It literally made me feel like a very good natural psychologist... Your key points are exactly what I emphasized as arguments.
With my ex it was more of “No one understands me”, that was his constant go to. He never would’ve said he didn’t think life was fair to him, just always cut people down for not understanding problems from childhood that affect him today, like his brain injury from a car accident at 16. He would boast about all he’s done and accomplished, and how much smarter he is than others despite what he’s been through and would often say if people couldn’t understand his limitations on maintaining self control due to his brain injury then they’re stupid. Definitely always victim minded. Everyone else’s fault for his bad behavior, whoever he abused he felt it was well deserved.
Can you talk about narcissists obsession with winning? I feel like my Narc father views everything like a competition and he needs to beat everyone and “win”
It's the absolute truth. You better not have something that they want or a better car or more money or a nice family, better house, nicer yard, etc. THEY CAN:T STANT IT. :)
These videos are so valuable, if just for relatively okay people to be able to identify our blind spots and learn to grow and be better people.
I think there is a big difference between {abuse survivors who are non abusive, but lack social skills due to abuse} and {narcissists/NPD who are looking to change}.
I think both groups mentioned above, we feel we are benefitting from these videos... Like maybe we do have empathy and care too much about/for others already: I know I've experienced so much kindness on Dr R's threads I'm in tears some nights -- that's all you, being supportive. And then some of us have blind spots where we feel we can learn to do better.
So these videos are so valuable just to identify our blind spots, and become healthier adults.
(That said: I don't want any of us to end up with unrealistic hopes... but just the fact that some people with narcissistic traits are asking how to change, really does fill me with hope!!!)
Life is unfair to everyone, grieve it and go on to live your own, authentic life. Assume that other people are going through hardships too. You are not an exception. Thank you so much for your help and support dr Ramani.
Excellent! You touched on things I can relate too on the other end that ended budding friendships- trying to convince someone that everyone struggles. Its like carring a 100 pound rock around.
Great video via helping Nars.
I’m saving this video whether I’m narcissistic or not. Certainly a breath of fresh air to anyone! We all go through rough patches in our lives at some point (or many points), and remembering that we can make it through and that others have crazy stuff in their lives too, will only help all those around us with shared humanity and empathy - including ourselves (in case we have narcissistic traits) 🥰 thank you, Dr. Ramani!
The only thing better than a psychologist is a wise psychologist. Great insights!
The three virtues the wise possess are humility, gratitude and love for truth.
Dr. Ramani you are brilliant!!!!!!
Do you know how many times I hear from my Nar partner, “why me”………..OMG
What you speak in your priceless videos is worth gold!!!
Absolutely true. This is my favourite video so far. They love to do whatever they can with the victim role, whatever side that lands on. It can be them being the victim or in my case shaming me as weak for being an inevitable victim to them.
Thank you for this particular video. Everyone sometimes screams why me....I know I do. I have moments of feeling sorry for myself before rolling up my sleeves and getting back at it. So important to remember in my dark hours that many people are dealing with toxic people and situations and may be able to disguise it better or not than I feel in the moment. The compassion and kindness I over gave to narcs should not color my every experience. Life is not fair but my choices can remind me just how great it is to be alive and enjoy every season.