My Husband Isn’t the Father I Thought He Would Be
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- čas přidán 26. 07. 2023
- My Husband Isn’t the Father I Thought He Would Be
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The most painful part of being a parent is realizing you made a poor choice for the other parent and watching that play out in your childrens lives.
My worst nightmare, I promise you.
I'm unmarried and childless. But my picking criteria is 1. God person, 2. Engaged father, 3. Clean and just man. Basically, my personal criteria (cleanliness and fairness) come after my children's. If I can't find that man, I'd rather adopt and fix broken lives.
Thanks Lord single no kids
You don't just watch it play out, you have to talk to the other person and sort out the issues.
@@ladev91 the people you can sort out issues with are not the ones I'm talking about. Good parents have to sort out issues sometimes. I'm talking about parents who are abusive, neglectful or a bad influence and don't intend to change.
what does poor choice for the other parent mean? can you give an example?
My husband was initially hands off. Some of the men from Church sat him down and tore him a new one. He did a complete 180. He would then mostly stay up with our son if he was sick. Pack his lunch for school and iron his clothing. He fed him and would do most of the lifting or pushing in a stroller. He would carry him fishing or just out for her drives. He did not grow up with a present father and just needed other fathers to set him straight. 20 years later and my son knows he has an involved father.
When you grow up without a father figure, you don’t really know how to be active with children. He probably just didn’t know what to do.
This! This is what a church should do!
Praise GOD 🥲
Those Churchmen who “counseled” your Husband are few and far between! I’m so glad they stepped up and stuck with him through the process.
Real Christians walking the Walk…♥️
@@jessicabender1301
Amen 🙏🏻
I also grew up without a father and some how by the grace of God I was a natural father and heard it all the time. Being a husband on the other hand took alot of work
My call no. 2: John Deloney should write a book to help Dads. Hit like to support.
Yes, please!
Instant buy!
Yes, that would be good. But ultimately, men need to find other men who are doing a good job at being dads. Too many men try to walk through marriage, fatherhood, and family life on their own.
It’s a great idea for men who don’t have role models!
My dad woke up every night and fed me. I was a surprise baby that came 17 and 12 years after my siblings. She never had to wake up for me. I miss my dad.
That’s really sweet!❤️ I’m glad you had such a warm and loving father.
Your pop really loved you.
I'm the same with my 6mo old.
You were so lucky. A Dad solves all your problems
Most fathers are more hands off in the newborn phase, but she’s two years into this thing and he’s still checked out. Something is off. I understand her frustration.
No way. Not true at all. My husband was 100% hands on. So is my brother. They LOVE being Dads and feel blessed to be able to be a father and never let the women do it all.
@@honeybadger2986 They said most fathers, and that may not be true for you, but it's been the case in my life and in the life of every friend and female relative I know with one exception. So, it is, unfortunately, true.
Mine was too then more than made up for it at about 6 months
@@honeybadger2986 this comment has nothing to do with you. How self involved can you get. The comment is still true.
@@honeybadger2986she said most not all men
Your family doesn't care about the weeds in the yard or a new car. They want more of you. They want Dad. To hell with the rest. My favorite memories of my dad were when we were sitting around cracking pecans and roasting pumpkin seeds at Halloween, his sitting around the house watching Westerns with his beat-up clothes and stocking cap while smoking his pipe. Making up goofy songs and playing his flute in the shower. Playing "monster" at bedtime. This is what binds families together, not being a CEO.
The kid is 2. She needs to relax and give it a year or so. It's like those parents that drag their 1-2 year olds to Disneyland- and they're shocked that the INFANT/TODDLER can't do anything and all they do is cry. Wait until they're old enough to remember and enjoy it. She's jumping the gun in this case. When the kid is a bit a older I guarantee they will do things together- even if it is lawncare. My son used to love following me around with his Little Tikes lawnmower and leaf blower....but he was in the 3-5 range. We have a great connection to this day.
@@ivankrushensky I get that it's different with older kids, but you can't just disconnect from your child and be lazy about building a relationship. It's the little things. A game of peekaboo. A stroller ride around the neighborhood or a trip to the park. Just engaging and smiling at your baby. Getting down on the floor with him and seeing what he's playing with. A lot of men play the wait-it-out game, and before they know it, the kid is six, and they have no connection and have to start from scratch. This isn't babysitting. This is your child, for crying out loud!
Whats feustratingvto hear is mom is expected to just have all the information and her expected tole is download all that info to dad. How do women learn to diaper a baby? By diapering a baby. She's good because she put in the reps. How does she know babies poop a lot? By experiencingbthat babies poop a lot. How does she know its developmentally appropriate for little kids to swing from seeing you as all good to all bad? She read a book about child development, and will revisit chapters as her kid ages.
Men can do all of that too, and even initiate it. If you know a baby is coming, why wouldnt you research what babies are like and their developmental stages while the pregnant partner isxreading up on What to Expect When You're Expecting?
Dude, proofread your comments.
I’m so grateful that I’ve never once found myself in this situation. My husband has been so involved since the moment I told him I was pregnant with our daughter.
That’s good 😊
I wish my cousin was as fortunate as you. We all thought her husband was a good man but the moment she became pregnant with her first he moved out of their place and started “working” in his other home and conveniently has no time to give her in the midst of her pregnancy. She has no idea what hes been doing because she hasnt seen him since the pregnancy began and she’s due in May Noone understands why he decided to avoid the responsibility and there really isnt an excuse to be made because if you care you will make time. I hope she leaves his ass. I used to respect him too but that’s all gone. He’s genuinely ruined his reputation with all of us.
Here’s a cookie 🍪
You are very fortunate!❤️
When the baby says "noo daddy" and runs away, the father should chase him playing. That's a perfect 👌 opportunity. Kids love That
Exactly, people make this way more complicated than it needs to be. It's just a matter of showing that you care and bringing yourself to the child's level.
He just has to relax and be silly and carefree about it?
Some families teach no means no. 🤷♂️
Seeing some comments here that are just ridiculous. a waay to excuse behavior. women are not "more" suited for child rearing because they are women. fathers need to get a grip and be more involved, period. "Oh IM a MaN, Im jUsT nOt sUiTeD fOr tHeSe ThInGs". wait for a couple of years till he is more comfortable with it???? wth. he needs to do things even if he is uncomfortable. it's completely unfair to request mothers to wait for men to make a decision to be more involved.
Thank u, these comments are so disturbing, men are not the "fun" parent. It's 50/50. I thank God my ex-husband was so amazing with our son, I would've settled for nothing less. Time to leave the Delony site. Too many disgusting men in here and apparently women that think it's no big deal because it's Mom's job. Nope
There's a biological difference, it's rooted in science. Women are not the same as men, vice versa.
Yea I get that fathers still need to be good father but lets not pretend fathers are a substitute to the mother it just isn't the same, the children will not treat you the same no matter what you do until a certain age. Both should lean into their strength and of course it is no excuse for absentee parenting. @@FTBASTAR
Excellent point every Dad should be hands on do the nappies feeding putting baby to bed.' etc bonds occur when consistency is there
If they arent ready or willing to suck it through and be involved fathers they shouldnt be getting women pregnant.
Even if this “maternal instinct” bs were true (im doubtfull, seeing the prevalence of ppd and regrets) u think women want to wake in the middle of the night every 2h to a crying baby? That they loooove changing diapers? And so on, NO, they do cuz thats what u get for being a parent, u get fun times and horrible times and u suck it up and remind yourself that u chose this.
If a father looks at his baby and doesnt feel inmediate connection, I understand, but that doesnt absolve them of responsability, u can still schoose to do the right thing even if u have no feelings for them, teachers, nannys and other childcare providers do it all the time
Im a dad of two girls, 4 and 8 mo.
Parenting is hard. I was scared with our first. I didn’t really know how to be a dad. I had to learn through working it out. I made mistakes, but I kept on it. Once my wife was pregnant again I felt totally different. I was excited. I was happy. I was super ready to hold another little baby. What’s crazy is that this had been much harder and stressful, yet my perspective is entirely different. I love my girls so much. I need to be there for them the way my parents were for me. They deserve that. We all do.
Same. And I'm a woman. 😂
My dad was like this my whole childhood. Every time we were alone together when I was a kid he would tell me about his sexual escapades from his past and if I talked about a dream or an idea he shut it down and called me crazy for thinking big. If my mom and sister and I went anywhere he would stay home and watch reruns of Star Trek. I'm 32 and he still doesn't show any interest in me, my ideas, or my life. He tells me minute details about his life but refuses to listen to what I have going on.
Not saying that's what's gonna happen in this situation. My father is an anomaly.
He is not that anomalous. He is self absorbed, although he may be extreme in that regard.
So sorry for that - try not to think too much about your father, but take deep breaths and try to direct your imagination to be about be very good to you. Think about how it would be, if it never was too late to give yourself a good childhood, or how you could stand up and become your own best father for the child within. You are now adult, and you can do it. You have freedom and agency, and you can test possibilities and find a way. If you come to a crossroads and you don't know what to do, just take a guess, try it out IRL and assess the outcome, then take a new guess, and try that idea, and so on. If the viper of perfection turns up - drive it promptly away. Peace in your inner garden!!!
All the best, you write so well, so I know you can do it!
He’s not an anomaly, hes a man child. I pray you’re healing and have reached out for help
That's gross boundary crossing for your father to tell you about his sexual escapades when you were a child. I hope you found people who value you.
This isn’t similar to this call
this sounds identical to how my mother was with my father, she thought he was going to give her the perfect life, but sadly she said he changed the min he had kids. i always heard my mother cry like this woman in this call...i hope she finds peace and protects the kids from any marital problems. kids see everything and absorb so much. i wish her the best
My daughter's ex was like this too. He was gung ho about having kids until the kids came. Needless to say they're divorced now.
Dr. Delony gives the best advice. As a wife and mother married 29 years in August, I would only say: permeate your home with many more positive, peaceful words than negative ones. (Seems easy but words become a habit, one way or the other.) Thank each other for even the smallest of favors. Notice all the good. Etc. Makes a huge difference in parenting--and everything.
Ugh. So much this. I don’t even realize I’m being critical and negative. I just think I’m navigating the situation and my husband has to hold the mirror up to me sometimes to show me what I’m doing and make me listen to what I’m saying and how it comes across. It’s hard to relinquish control and let him own what being a dad looks like (and he’s fantastic at it, I just can’t let go) He so much better at big picture thinking than I am.
Positivity is the fuel for action initiative spontaneity eyc
no thanks. i’m not gonna baby a grown man. is that what you’ve been doing for 29 years? 😂
When my son was a baby and toddler all he wanted was me. Even though my husband was a great father he would tell my husband to go back to work. But I always told my husband that it was just a baby phase and when he turned 4-5 he was all about daddy. He’s a teenager now and is very close with his dad. It’s just a baby phase. When he gets bigger you’ll be old news and all he’ll want his his dad.
Exactly! At this age there's not much the father can do. When the kids get older they can play with them and take them to hang out.
Exactly. I can't believe all of these comments on here. Not all men (not even all women) are good with infants/toddlers. Some just don't know what to do with them. But as this kid gets older and he can go fishing, work in the garage, play video games or whatever it is that Dad does, he will likely have a bond. This whole "give up he's a poor father" mentality is terrible advice.
@@racheljames7 There is PLENTY a dad can do! Play, give a bath, learn how to change diapers, feed, read books, sing dopey songs, take him to a playground, take him for a walk with the stroller, play play play!
@@ivankrushensky LMAO there's A LOT Dad could do to be involved if he put in EFFORT. The problem is that men are given excuses right off the bat, so they don't have to put a lot of effort into much. As long as they get the job done. That DOES NOT fly with parenting. You are either all in or you should kick rocks. A child shouldn't have to come find Dad and do what he does. DAD should do what the child wants to do.
This is a matter of character. Yes, many guys did not have a good example of what a father is, but that is no excuse. Put your feelings aside and take care of your kid(s). Quit making excuses. If you decide to have kids, step up be there for them. This is why it is important to have people around you to call you higher and challenge you on things like this. Men need to call out other men. It is ridiculous to see so many men get caught up in their feelings and not take care of their kids.
That made no sense
@@ItsThicc How?
I absolutely love being a dad. It is my #1 source of joy and meaning. However, I stress every day when I think about all the mistakes I've made, losing my temper, not offering the kindness or patience I should have in certain moments... The important thing is to recognize when you fall short, feel the remorse from that, learn, and do better next time and if warranted, apologizing to your kids. To be a good parent, you must be humble, you must be willing to change and to learn. It can be a fine line to set up an expectation and boundary infrastructure for your children and sticking to that, while also offering love, support, kindness, and above all being a good example to follow. No one does it perfectly, but some do it better than others.
Wow, "Not by your hand, but in your lap" so powerful!
He may think it's not a man's job to take care of a baby or he may be picking up negative vibes that he's doing everything wrong when he does try to help. Or he may have just checked out.
The baby doesn't always need to be with you. And you don't always need to be home. Leave him home with the baby for a few hours while you go do something else outside of the house.
Give him opportunities to bond with the baby without your oversight.
There are multiple relationships in that house, and none of them are related. They're between two people. Not three.
Would’ve love to hear more of the backstory…something sounds off about whirlwind way he ditched his family to move across the country. Marry in haste, repent in leisure. Did they discuss having kids? Sounds like he wasn’t ready or on the same page.
She didn’t get to say much
Sounds like she maybe ditched a narc father for a narc husband.
Sounds like he found peace.
I feel like lots of fathers check out of the picture until the child is a little older and they can have a different type of connection with them. Communication is key!
That's normal. Men and women are different and are suited for different things. Women are highly tuned evolutionarily to care for infants. Men are not. Men are much more geared toward adolescent development, and there is a reason for this, an adolescent can start to physically contend with mom, so dad needs to take over as the parental figure.
I definitely identify with not connecting with the child at first. Took me about 6 months. But two years is when kids start getting really fun, so he better snap out of it quick or he is going to miss some good years
@@Jackaroo. I’m curious to know what research leads you to this conclusion.
@@Jackaroo.That differs from person to person. My husband was very in tune from the very start with our oldest child, who is now 27. It may have something to do with us living in Europe, and have a society that not only encourages, but has mandatory paternity leave (government funded, like the maternity leave is), which makes it normal for fathers to take part in a child’s life from the very beginning. I think it was 8 weeks when my child was young.
@greenAbbot You don't need "research". You need life experience and observations from your local environment. Older children need fathers.
This is one of my favourites that I've watched. I hope everything works out for you Vanessa!
Interesting. Some men can be great husbands, but sh*tty fathers. Difficult to deal with that as wife and mom...
Agree. Sometimes it's the other way around too.
@@SaystheTruth3 Yes. Have seen that as well.
The kid is 2. It is not uncommon for men not to be so connected with infants and very young children. People have it in their head men and women are the same in this regard. Women are evolutionarily designed to care for infants, men are not. Quite literally women produce breast milk to feed an infant, they need to be the primary caretakers. Men are better at raising adolescents, which women typically struggle with in the absence of the father. Adolescents can begin to contend with mom physically, so dad needs to take over as the parental figure.
@@Jackaroo. stop making sense...
@@Jackaroo. That's bullshit.
When I meet my husband, i saw him interacting like a parent with his little sister who was 15 years younger than him. I knew he will be a fantastic dad. When i gave birth to our won, he took 7 weeks of parternity leave and he was as running to change diapers and cuddle the baby. Once he goes back to work, everything changed. He had promised me that he will help back at home but in reality, he is as tired after work, need some personal time, etc. I was quite disappointed. After a year of maternity leave, i go back to work at full time and my husband took his last month of paternity leave, he found it very hard but no choice he is in charge at home. He did build a deep bounce with his son within a month … he decided to resigned and look for another entreprise more close to our house so he c. Get home earlier to be with his son!
This is hard. Finding moments of intentionality to help father and baby bond is definitely helpful. I truly hope they can have a good talk and get on the same page ❤️
If your relationship with your father was dysfunctional, it’s kind of hard to know what a good father looks like. This lady need to let her husband grow into his role as a father. The baby is 2 years old and she is trying to create the ideal father she never had, that’s not fair.
Agree. I have this problem. I don’t know what’s right or wrong since I did not experience it.
My wife's mother hated her dad. As a result, she didn't allow my wife's father to be a father. My wife hated her father. And now I become a father...you can see where this is going. I had to physically take my children on play dates without my wife. This guy needs to do things with the kid without her, without her influence, without her judgment. My kids are good now, my wife still thinks I'm not good enough. And they're all almost adults, she still can't "trust" me to raise HER children despite them being my children too. When I go on family vacations, she doesn't go with, and then is shocked that the kids don't miss her and that they had fun.
Sure it’s fair. Only the best for your children
That’s true and she also needs to communicate her needs , something she probably never learned to do .
@girlgonewise I understand what you are saying, but when you decide to have a child, you decide to take on a responsibility. All new parents are newbie’s at being parents. You learn along the way. Key word is learn… And you need to be a team with your spouse to navigate as good as you can to find the best way through what life gives you to handle. You really want to show your children what good communication looks like, and that talking about hard things is safe, so they know that they can come to you if they need to one day. As parents, we do a lot of mistakes, but more than once I have been thankful for the fact that my children knew that our home was a place where you could talk about everything, and they would be met with understanding and respect. If you do not learn along with your spouse, it is difficult for the spouse that has to do the learning alone.
As a Christian myself I am so glad that you called out the Christian literature as trash. It is sad how our community takes it in as gospel when so much of it is truly horrible advice.
Hmm, this is an interesting take. Can you give an example?
@@raptorhandz The so-called Christian books “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “To Train a Child” have done a LOT of well-documented damage.
"He comes home, he's dead tired. you come home, you're dead tired and you're raising this kid and it's a beautiful thing."
LOL That does NOT sound beautiful. That sounds like parents trying to find the light in a crapy situation (i.e. raising a kid and having no time for yourself and being tired). SO glad I'm childfree.
It's good people are choosing NOT to have kids. It's a crappy world to bring any more humans into.
Same! Kids ruin lives!
@jesus1stsatan2nd I hope God you don't have children because you're lazy selfish pigs.
There is a lot of arrested development in this country, likely the result of a wealthy entitled culture that has lost its sense of responsibility and community. It's a good thing that people like you don't have children. The results are devastating and heartbreaking.
@@jesus1stsatan2ndWhat a despicable thing to say. Children are a blessing and having a family only becomes a burden if you’re an immature adult who can’t let go of their selfish desires for a short time in life. And when that is the case, the children still aren’t the problem- the adults are.
Most dads nowadays are lazy and check out, do the bare minimum, or just leave. I have a great dad. I feel very lucky, because I barely know anyone that had a good dad growing up. He worked hard, and taught me all kinds of useful stuff. My siblings dad and my husbands dad ditched them. That's a sad reality for most kids nowadays.
@@wordsalad01 I said most. Yeah, I agree. There are some good dads out there.
@@wordsalad01 I'm glad that you personally know a lot of great dads. I don't. That makes my dad even more special to me.
My dad is great too, amazing! He still "dad's" me in my 30s and married for 14 years lol. He "dad's" my husband too, whose dad checked out when he was a kid and is now playing daddy to his new wife's grown kids.🙄 Men love the kids of the woman they love. Moms don't operate like that. Either they're horrible unfit mothers from the start or they love their kids uncondtionally. They don't adopt someone else's kids whom they fell in love with and abandon their own.
@@CrystalM1917 that's awesome that you have a great dad and he tries to be a father to your husband! He sounds like and amazing man! That's very true. There are a lot of wicked women out there. I'm sorry that your husband sees his dad being a father to another family. No matter what age, that has to hurt.
Most mothers nowadays are selfish and cruel and leave their babies with strangers in daycare centres while they swan off to their precious jobs as dental technicians. They think scraping plaque off a strangers teeth is more important than taking care of their own kid.
Most males get into marriages expecting their needs to be the center of attention. When the baby come, that's not the case. It is VERY VERY common for males to be jealous of the attention the baby gets. That's why they check out. We need to be more honest about this. We have been conditioned for centuries by society and religion that the male needs are important. It wasn't until 1974 that women werent able to open bank accounts without a man. SO men were always entitled to women and the free labor that comes with it.
Which is why they are only good for egg fertilizer and nothing else after that. I’ve seen many men who were jealous of their own seed. I knew men weren’t worth much when my own dad would not come see me on my DEATHBED. Would not even call because he was mad at my mother. Just worthless.
This is a truth!
It's also very common for mothers to check out of their intimacy with their husbands, because they are so in love with their baby. We are mothers the second we see those two lines on a test. It's not the same experience for men, and then couple that with the loss of intimacy when you are caring for an infant. I saw this with my marriage. My husband wasn't checked out. He just missed me, and he said he didn't really feel like a father until our twins smiled and him. Fatherhood felt less scary, little by little. Let's not dumb down the male experience when becoming a father into just "blame the patriarchy" bs.
Also most couples in general don’t always put the kids first but, also most relationships are rushed because that is the only way that you get your kids out of the house 🏡 I would not want to do it that way because if you rush the relationship then you are risking the marriage and relationship
Most males? Speak for yourself or in your experience. That's like saying that most women get into marriages for the money.
Too many women assume that the man they are with wants to be a parent. The reality is that most don't. And, even those who do are, for the most part, clueless about what being a father actually requires of them. It sounds to me like this caller made A LOT of assumptions about this man.
It took my husband about 2 years, maybe 2.5, to really start being a great dad. He was really checked out in the beginning. I felt like I did EVERYTHING on my own and his life just kept going as normal. I’m SO glad I stuck it out in those times because our daughter is 11 now and he is the best dad I know. He is so involved that people comment to me that they love how involved he is in her life.
I’m not saying to let the husbands get away with not helping forever…just that I have heard my story from other moms time and time again. I think it might take men longer to settle into their role as fathers. Don’t give up on a good man too fast.
That's not uncommon. People think men and women are suited for the same things, and they aren't. Women are evolutionarily developed to care for infants, men are much less so. Men are better suited for raising adolescents, as they will be able to contend with mom physically, dad needs to take over as the parental figure.
Wow, thanks for that sage advice maddywadsworth4312!
@@Jackaroo. Seeing some comments here that are just ridiculous. a waay to excuse behavior. women are not "more" suited for child rearing because they are women. fathers need to get a grip and be more involved, period. "Oh IM a MaN, Im jUsT nOt sUiTeD fOr tHeSe ThInGs". wait for a couple of years till he is more comfortable with it???? wth. he needs to do things even if he is uncomfortable. it's completely unfair to request mothers to wait for men to make a decision to be more involved.
It’s dysfunctional to ignore your child at any stage though. It causes abandonment wounds at every age. Glad your partner caught up …but it doesn’t mean that was healthy.
Really 2 years to be a good dad? You sound so entitled and under appreciative of your husband.
He is a good dad earning and providing all so you can have spare 14:31 time to judge him. He’s a good dad making sure the kid is safe and has money.
From the sound of it this situation this guy might do good to just give this wife a reality check and get her to earn his paycheck all while being “there” for the kids. She is obviously doing it better.
My dad is absolutely the best dad I could imagine-great at everything dad related. But I’ve heard that he wasn’t good at all when I was a baby. My dad has said it was extremely difficult before the kid started reacting to the environment. One he could start ‘playing’ being a dad became way easier
"his feelings get hurt when the kid says "no daddy" and runs away"....wow..just wow. what a man child. HE is the parent. he should take care of his kid first, and then work on his emotional response. this kid is not responsible for this. what a jerk
Dr. John was relaying a personal experience. It just happened that I heard him tell it in the last vid I watched. It happened to him
And it hurt his feelings
@@iamastrangeloop9204 i meant her husband, she mentioned this about him. that his feelings get hurt, when his kid is not all over him. she also said he preffers to saty at home when they go out with the kid. but thx for the reply:)
He may have ZERO clue about child development. "NO" is a pretty common word at age 2. It's not personal.
My husband is of course not perfect but he is a great father (and husband). He took on my two toddlers and always loved them as his own, played with them every day, takes them places for one on one time. 7 years later we just had a baby of our own and he is holding her and loving on her from the moment he gets home. He’s the father I never had I’m very grateful our kids have that.
Damn, dude took on your two kids and the first sentence is "my husband is not perfect"
@@ddavis8988 are you perfect? Didn’t think so, I’m not either. Mind your own damn business
@@ddavis8988 Because no one is perfect execpt Jesus. 🙄
@@racpatrice
Starting off with criticize with someone has done so much for you is ungrateful and disrespectful.
Thanks Lord single no kids
I love how Dr John keeps it real.
Totally misread the title. Thought it said "My husband isn't the father. I thought he would be." Like a you are not the father kind of thing lol.
😂😂
My advice would be to stick it out. My friend divorced her husband after he failed to become the “awesome dad” she expected after 8 months of having their son, now she’s a single mom and he’s never going to build that connection with his kid. On the other hand, my husband was very disengaged for the first couple of years, one day I broke down crying and told him he’s a great husband but a lousy dad. Those words REALLY hurt him, it was a low blow but he really changed. Now he’s our son’s favourite golf buddy and they have so much fun together, so much fun that my husband pushed for a 2nd child. Men take time to learn, that’s why it’s called MATERNAL instinct.
And moms go through a lot of changes during that first year, so it is understandable that she felt hurt and unsupported. She has a right to choose what works for her life. Maybe they could have tried therapy? But I am tired of men (and women like you who enable them) not taking responsibility. Their role as a father is important and if they can't figure out how to do it, reach out to another guy for help OR do a simple Google search OR read a book on fatherhood.
Thanks Lord single no kids
@@Shaolin91z same!!! Being childfree, educated and 30 is such a blessing.
@@aquaabundance4077you'll regret it in about 5 to ten years. My sister made the same mistake...
men take time to learn?? is it fun treating your grows husband like a dumb little baby??
9 months knowing someone initially online then getting married? Huge mistake.
It’s hard to meet people nowadays
Eh. I knew a couple that was engaged after 2-3 months. They were very happy until he died. They had a daughter.
I mean, you have people dating for years, living together, then they get married and it's awful. So I don't think it's as cut and dry as you make it out to be, although would that life were so simple.
Spot On Dr. John!
Her husband doesn't know what to do with the baby. His role model was his father. He is doing what he knows. Make daddy baby time...first all three of you. Play together. Start there.
That was sound advice Dr. Delany gave her. I felt optimistic about things improving in her situation, I liked that he gave grace to the father while acknowledging her concerns. Hopefully, shell take his advice and speak to her husband candidly about her struggles with parenting and hopefully he'll share his and they commit to making a plan that works for them. I pray 🙏 things work out for them.
I think Delony hit the nail on the head with this. I needed this advice for my own husband.
I don’t know how this got lost in translation over the last generation. This is normal. When I became a mum I knew my husband was gonna go through a time of confusion with his role. It was seen in many fathers for generations!
Somebody has to make the demarcation line and make a change. I wish my dad had been involved. I lived with him right down the hall and he never initiated any relationship with me. I had to beg him to watch a movie with me. He was totally checked out. It has been quite devastating.
Same. Happened with my husband too and our first child. His dad was pretty checked out because his father’s father left when his father was 9 years old. Generational trauma.
My husband got really into being a dad starting around when my son turned 2 years old. We just had a baby two days ago and he’s totally smitten with the new one.
It takes time. Generational trauma is hard to overcome. Lack of fatherly role models in men’s lives is a huge factor.
@@lademoiselleketoret6958- yep and it can be you. I made sure to be the person to make the change. My husband flipped out after our son was born and then his father died when our son was 9 months old. Went through a horrible depressive spiral and cheated on me.
My mom said I should divorce my husband - she divorced my dad when I was 13. My husband and I wanted to work it out for our son so I gave it a shot. It was insanely difficult but I’m so glad I did try. Our son is now 5.5 years old and my husband is a great father and committed husband. He realizes he was really dumb and totally confused. I went through something similar when my father died so we’ve both been through things yet stuck together and didn’t repeat what our parents did.
You can’t expect someone else to be the change. Only you can control your own life and be the change you want to see.
Beautiful advice!
Dr. John, you’re really freaking good at what you do. You obviously know that but damn it’s good to see you size people up, tell them the way it is and call them out if needed.
“I’m gonna try to not be emotional”
-collective laughter rings out
Took my husband over a year to be a good father. Newborn stage, he couldn't handle it at all. He literally checked out, and it tore me up. Now he is an amazing father.
I think alot of men are scared of babies because they look delicate
And they cry etc and if your not used to them you don’t know why. to alot of men they become more exciting when they can run around and do rough and tumble etc. I remember bringing my baby home I’m a kids nurse so I was confident looking after baby almost blaze because I’m used too having several sick ones at a time to look after . I asked my husband to change him first night. He was like no way I don’t want to hurt him but after a bit of training he was fine. I basically trained him up like I would do a student nurse .I explained seriously newborns are actually quite tough with premmies you have to be careful lifting legs up and stuff but he’s full term seriously you’re not going to break him changing a nappy. I knew I’d have to go back to work after just a few months so he had to know what he was doing and be confident. Literally got dad doing everything from day one because I knew he had too and there bond is so strong and he’s an excellent dad
This guy's had 2 years to notice he has a child.
I love my kids from the second they were born. However I will admit that when my wife and I get into arguments and I feel like I'm at fault I try to fix something around the house as if that is going to help fix the argument.
@thedrjohndelonyshow Will you do a parenting class and book for dads specifically? Maybe even team up with other great teachers who are dads and do a conference?
Your husband isn't your Dad! Give him time just like you had to grow into being a parent.
This is also the story of two people who married quickly within 3 months. Insanity!
Now you have to do the work of knowing him, which will take the rest of the marriage to do. Keep going ✅
To be fair they didn’t just marry in 3 months. They met after knowing each other for 8
I met my husband online and 8 months later we moved in. Celebrating 8 years next month. But theres no positive to reproducing
@@jesus1stsatan2ndNo positive to reproducing? You only think that because you're selfish and lazy.
This is so common! You guys will figure it out! Nobody can prepare you for the life overhaul that children bring! Love each other and you will both grow into your parenting roles!
That was some great advice. I remember when my first son was born wanting to check out. As a baby, my wife stayed home with him, then when I came home, my wife would ask me to bathe my son. He would just cry the entire time of the bath probably because my son could feel I was not comfortable with him. I grew out of it to a certain degree. Then my second was born, son #2 favored Dad. Then we had our daughter. It was a blessing for me to be a Stay-at-home Dad. I love my kids. But me being a home Dad came at a relational cost between my wife and I. Those pictures we paint (expectations) really form our reality. But we are people and it's necessary for all of us to relate our pictures. It's also good to read books and to plug into other like minded families and mentors. My wife is always doing research. While pregnant: What to expect while your expecting is a good book. The Baby-whisperer is another good book to read. Got to keep on growing as the child is growing too. I have messed up plenty of times.
You’re so good at your job
This was great advice ❤ would love to hear more on fatherhood.
Quick is bad in marriage terms.
Not always if both parties are willing to grow together
I don’t think how long you know each other before marriage makes a difference. My husband and I lived in different states and got engaged after 5 weeks of meeting and got married 8 months later. I was 19 and he was 20 we are now married 33 years. I have no regrets.
Not always. And plenty of couples who dated for years go onto have a crappy marriage. It's almost as if it's not simple
My husband didnt get involved in my childrens lives very much at all, but i have great memories of all the brownie, music etc runs i did ...i dont regret it at all ot was his loss
I had the same experience, such a good call.
It is not uncommon for men not to be so connected with infants and very young children. People have it in their head men and women are the same in this regard. Women are evolutionarily designed to care for infants, men are not. Quite literally women produce breast milk to feed an infant, they need to be the primary caretakers. Men are better at raising adolescents, which women typically struggle with in the absence of the father. Adolescents can begin to contend with mom physically, so dad needs to take over as the parental figure.
Ouch. This title - even as a wife, this hurts me on my husband's behalf. It must be really bad if she's making this public. "I've lost respect for my husband because he's not as good a father as I need him to be..." are probably the hardest 2 things a man can hear in the same sentence. Just drop that there, Bay.
Ok now you must be under so much pressure to say this about a man who clearly cares so much...
Rough spot. Rough spot.
Yeah that's what I thought. I'm glad John helped her see things from the man's perspective. After the call, she probably realised she was being too harsh at the beginning.
maybe he should get off his ass and he a father 💁♀️
Sounds like the caller here has Attachment Disorder via her relationship (past) with her Father. If a woman did not and/or currently does not have a good relationship with her Father, this dynamic is ultimately instilled in current and future relationships. Unfortunate.
Mom's don't just know.. I had zero connection with my first child.. until I did.. both parents are new with a first child.
but actually then you should NOT check out from family days off, going out with the child somewhere, this would actually make more connection between those two. he stays home. i assume to have peace & his calm day. let the other half do the work. those fathers oftentimes are very suprised when an adult child is only confining with mother.
Most of this is due to lack of communication.
Instead of talking they instead become frustrated with each other that leads to discontentment rather than being able to sit down and discuss the problem.
My heart goes to her.
Woman need to careful who they get pregnant with
Y’all say this about every man, where it gets to be the point there is no men left to choose 😹😹😹😹😹
No lies detected.
@@user-lt1jd1ye3vIn FOUR BILLION males, there's an abundance, and a need for an abundance of caution, too...
Men need to be prepared to be fathers before the start Nutting in women.
You still don’t know how someone will be a father even if they are a great partner.
I understand this husband. I didn't experience to the same degree....but as my son got older it got easier for us.
My older kids Dad is a horrible father. He emotionally abuses our children. For example, he would steal birthday money from our son I love my kids to death, but I hate that I picked him to be their Dad. I wrote Dr. John a letter. I hope he reads it and makes a call to parents everywhere.
@@reality-winner5759 well duh.
Maybe I’m lucky but I feel like my husband is the better parent … he’s also stay at home dad
Love this for you
I so appreciate how Dr. John articulates a man’s perspective. For women, the man is sometimes (often?) a black box onto which we project our own feelings and wants and hurts and goals. Men and women really do think differently, and it helps to have an interpreter..
Stop micro managing him. Remember a person cannot look at themselves if they are always looking at someone else looking at them
I like John’s advice here. My first 6mo after having a child were similar to the dad here to a degree. I was more attentive than what she described but who John described is many men. There isn’t much guidance for new dads on how to parent and also change their role as a husband and man
Women who are critical of their husbands and want things done their way contribute a lot to the disengagement of their husband. Oftentimes these men are beat down so overly criticized by their wives that they are afraid to do anything because it’s not their way.
First of all this relationship started online dating. Most of those relationships never pan out and they didn’t meet until after 8 months of cyber dating and had a child shortly after. These two people still do not fully know each other.
Incorrect, they were married for 6 years when they had a child. They've been married 8 years, their child is two.
Sometimes it just takes time I took it slow we were together for almost 10 years before we had a kid and I was a terrible parent til my daughter was probably around 2 years old now I take her to dance gym go swimming with her I enjoy being around my daughter more than my best friends now
Did I understand it correctly that the man had a job and a family, met a new woman online and in less than a year he quit his job and left his family to marry this new woman and then “created our whole new family”? It is not made very clear, but that is what I take. He has now again what he ran away from and is bored and frustrated. If that is what really this is about, he might be online again chatting with his next exciting adventure. And she is surprised? Girl…
His family. Not a wife and kids. Rather his family, his parents etc.
I think you understood wrong. She never said he had a whole other family of his own. He moved and left his immediate family, parents to be with her. It was a whirlwind romance no other women involved that she mentioned.
I had rarely seen men be competent father around babies unless they were lackey kids who took care of his baby siblings. it's a learning curve and both sides need to be on board.
Get better people around you because I have seen plety of competent fathers.
It's the "no dad, NO!'s" for me. I'm dying laughing over here. Also, I totally did all of that. Thank you so much for the male perspective, very insightful. The thing is, we women are scared too, we're scared of not being enough. Children, and especially babies, require so much. I think this is why you have the "crying weeks" at around 8 weeks. I think it's the baby that feels that their mother is becoming depleted and anxious. Anyway, back to my point ;). I think we are afraid to sell our baby short and therefor we try to control every little thing. I really appreciate the no judgement here btw, it's very fitting because I do think women are scared shitless as a first time mom and also women can be inexplicably mean and demanding towards other mothers. THe one that they can get away with being mean to, the most vulnerable, new mothers. In one conversation they can easily ask 20 question of new mothers and then they would say "I'm not trying to say anything, just askins". New parents in a partnership definitely should pull together and the honest and non judgemental communication would be step 1. I think you will help a lot of parents and children with this one, well done
A lot of men like the "fun" part of parenting and don't like to do the "hard" stuff.
This is my husband. He’s great on vacations. Day to day responsibilities are not his strength.
Some men aren't meant to be fathers. I knew a guy with 2 small boys. He fully admitted that he cared about them and knew he was responsible for them, but that he didn't love them.
Maybe the husband is depressed. Women tend to miss the signs when they are taking care of a young child.
If he's not, then he just needs time. Some dads do better once kids are a little older. Im sure by the time the kid is 2.5 to 3, he will be more engaged.
So bs. in 5 years? The poor woman, will likely divorce by then, Imagine if a woman did this, geeze.
I havent watched the full video yet but reading the comments , I think women minimize GROWING a child inside yourself and the connection youd feel to that being. As a father/dad its takes some time to settle in and become reality.
of course, but two years and 0 progress ?
It doesn't matter. If you see your wife struggling by herself and you do nothing, you are not a good father or husband -- that's a human thing, not a bonding with baby thing.
Honestly, the dynamic between these two might change completely with another baby or two. My husband was disengaged with baby 1, but then when the next babies came along things changed completely...now over 30 years later, we are so blessed by our 7 daughters and sons in law...they are the absolute light of both of our lives...and he never changed diapers willingly...until grandbabies came along.
Men want kids… until they have them.
Its very hard coming into parenthood with trauma from your own parents ... youre so paranoid to try to get it right that you end up alienating and pushing people away because deep down, anxiety and fear are in control.
Daddy is gonna regret missing that because those days won't ever come back
I'm not a mum but I think you should be focused on being the best mum for your child just letting go of any expectations of others, all the rest will come along :)
Read the title as "My Husband Isn't the Father | Thought He Would Be"
I find it beyond strange that he doesn’t want to go out on fun family outings. Something else is going on here.
And the “see, I tried” was really weird too.
Almost every call he says “ you realize you are not crazy”.
John, please write a book to help Dads.
My dad is generally not good with little kids… he likes them, but just doesn’t have the brain to play with them. When we were little, my Mom had to do everything while my dad worked ridiculous hours. However, my dad was awesome when we got bigger and needed help with homework, or learn to drive, or how to balance a checkbook, or needed advice on traveling. In my eyes, I have great dad…. But I know my Mom struggled when we were little because she was the center of everything.
Funny twist… when my dad became a grandpa, he started buying learning toys and doing baby talk to my kids… my mom’s face when she first saw that, ha ha! She was like, “what?!? Where did this come from?!?”
Lol! Yes, we all have our strengths. I have a friend who has 8 living children (4 losses in utero). She openly told me she doesn't really like little kids. I mean, she understands that everyone needs to go through that part of life, but she finds it aggravating and stressful. I get it, no judgment. I have 3 now, oldest is 5, and we want more lol
She was trying to create an ideal life, he wanted someone to take care of him. He realized after the baby, that HIS needs weren’t being met anymore which caused jealousy, so he detached, most likely because HE really didn’t want a child. Now she’s expecting him to be/have the ideal she planned in her head and it’s not working out as planned🤷🏽♀️
Or maybe what Deloney said is closer to the reality?
Yeah we don’t actually know any of that. That whole paragraph could be entirely made up. Sounds like huge projection.
And that's most men.
Whole lot of assuming and you’re saying it with such confidence 😂
@@BestShootermanUbz 😂My assumptions are based on the facts of what she actually said. She expected/assumed he’d be something he isn’t. His actions about the child are the reality.
If you add a comma after the work Father, the dynamics of this video change completely.
Imagine being a mom in that position and even society is telling you you're a failure because you have NO Idea how to Mom! was the mom in the dad's position from the first call. I had PPD and everyone, especially my husband, was telling me how everything I was doing was wrong. I spent about 18 months terrified of my own child and convinced I was a bad mom. Spoiler: I wasn't; I was inexperienced, had acute postpartum depression, and needed a good therapist and to learn how to speak up for myself.
The fact that every assumption John made was correct is crazy to me. I could absolutely never make these assumptions
It doesn't come naturally to everyone. But if you shame him for being 'bad' at it or not doing things the way 'you' think he should then it'll never come at all. The other side of the 'weaponized incompetence' coin is the man who wants to help but is frustrated and giving up because every time he tries he's made to feel like he's not good enough.
I went back to work so hubby had no choice but to step up.
I didn't bond with my father for 3 years. We have a very close relationship now.
When I was 3, we went to a petting zoo that featured an elephant. The elephant lifted its trunk and scared me, so I ran. I ran right past my mother, into my father's arms. I knew he would protect me.
I'm surprised to hear Delony say the Christian parenthood lit is trash. There's a lot out there that I've enjoyed, Dobson included. Plenty of stuff to disregard, too. But on the whole I wouldn't throw it out.
Dobson has some good things to say…and some really bad ones, like don’t divorce your physically abusive spouse, spank your kid for crying too much after getting spanked, and on beating your dog. Exercise caution is all.
Aw, I can feel this lady's pain. That would be hard. Your husband helps you get over the narcissistic abuse of your father but then he basically ends up being like your father to your kids. Yikes. That's a rough one. Some things I've learned from watching Robert Fuller's bird videos is that often fathers don't know how to father. Like, this one bird lost his wife, the mother, so he had to take care of the chicks. He tried to feed them a full mouse! He didn't even know he had to pick it apart. He did learn, though.
You're completely out of order. She didn't say one thing to indicate the husband is a narcissistic abuser of his child.
Bf and I got 2 boys. One is almost 3 years and the other is 8 months. The title of this video is exactly how I feel. I'm even starting to resent him. Sigh...scratch that. I think i do resent him.
As a female we monopolise the baby specially the first one. We think our way is correct not saying this lady does that. Dads also didn’t get to bond with the baby from day one. Mum had the baby in the stomach and since conception got to create special bonds. Be patient with him. Have a non judgemental talk with him. I honestly think he is struggling to bond with the child.
You're generalising from your own experience or tendencies I am 12 years older than my sister and my parents didn't behave in the way you present as usual. I also know several young couples whose parenting styles are nothing like what you've described. In fact, I don't know a single couple to whom your description of roles and behaviours applies.