The 5 MIND GAMES Narcissists Use To MANIPULATE YOU! | Dr Ramani
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Narcissists r not mind readers. I lied to my narc ex about vulnerabilities I didn’t have. Then when he tried to use them to hurt me it didn’t work. Never tell another person your secrets and vulnerabilities. In this time of toxicity trust no one!!!
Excellent idea and advice Mariam!
Well done 👏
I actually disagree, it depends on the narcissist and the structure of their subconscious. You can think I'm crazy or whatever, I don't really care. There are several underlying systems that can feed into the final act of "mirroring", and one of them is actually a form of "sympathetic magic", ie telepathy. Basically the way it works, if you have suitably diminished ego boundaries and a lacking sense of self, the world becomes like parts of your mind, and you become the world. In this state you become a broadband receiver, there is no organizing principle (self) in the way, so you can synchronize with other people easily. When the functional pattern of two systems becomes similar enough, they become coupled, and bidirectional information transmission begins (you can't connect to someone without them also connecting to you). This is happening in the background all the time, and is occurring globally, across great distances, it's the collective unconscious. In this process, the stronger mind will gradually become the "pacemaker" and dominate the weakers one into oscillating in sympathy with it. If the narcissist has a particularly powerful subconscious, they will override others naturally. Another method is making duplicates of others. You watch someone very carefully, imitate them, and gradually build up a copy of them internally. You take this copy, the "signature" and idea of them, and place it in an environment in your subconscious which interacts with it. It's basically voodoo. If their mind is unprotected the real object will begin to conform to whatever is being done to them in this mental, simulated environment. Psychology considers this idea to be "thought broadcasting" and a delusion similar to "ideas of reference", but I've personally done it so many times that it's fairly undeniable to me that it works. And likewise, if people start mirroring me, or talking far too often about what I'm thinking about (eg youtubers I watch but have never spoken to or met), it is very tiresome, and I stopped watching or interacting with them. This passive process can be used deliberately and weaponized. It's a direct attack on your subconscious mind NOT via your environment, or your senses, but direct channels hidden from sight. This has been called the "Astral plane" and many other names throughout history, most cultures recognized it, and far as I'm concerned, without incorporating it psychology's models about why narcissists have such uncanny luck and power ove rothers cannot be fully explained. It's not all early childhood, hijacking aprental instincts, ego ideal, and all this.
Let me put it this way. If I haven't seen someone in 10 years and want to run into them at the store, I can plant the idea in my subconscious like a seed, and a week later it will grow into a reality. It surprises you every time, but it almost always works. Now just imagine pretending none of this true and being a narcissist's web and seeming to not be able to escape them. They are hyperfixated on you and their mind is stronger. So stop lying to yourself and protect your subconscious, take control.
I always throw in small lies to see if they are safe or not. Smart test!
@@vl4394 you just said and admitted you've done it yourself so what you gotta say about is invalid. Cause you participate
If a narcissist does something for you or your family, it is purely transactional...and you will never hear the end of it.
Yes! My MIL insisted on paying for her grandson's braces. (My sister's son, we married brothers) She would always act like a martyr about it. When he got a good job and told her he could start paying the dental bills himself she confronted my sister and her husband at our family Christmas Eve party (at my house) told them he was acting like a jerk about it. My sister left the party (which was ruined at that point) shaking and in tears. Needless to say my sister and I have no contact with her... myself for another reason lol
Oh yeah " after everything I've done for you"
My narcissistic exe did this to me all the time he was the sole breadwinner in the household and he never ciesed to remind me how he has helped me infact he kept mentioning of the No of years he has fed me😂😂funny then there came a time where I helped him big deal I decided to play his card and he didn’t like that at all .cut the long story short narc are aware of their tactics and don’t like the cards handed to them
@@Official_missGiGi Yes...."good for me but not for thee"
Thought mom was the most GENEROUS person ever 🙄
"the whole relationship feels like a big misunderstanding" - yes!!! This!!
Yes! So true 😑
Omfg! This gave me goosebumps. So true. That is exactly how I felt!!!!
An exhausting misunderstanding!
Yup!
"Exhausting" hit me !! I need to move on. Now! And quick!
Narcissists are exhausting. It’s great when you get past them, finally.
Exhausted from the games and gaslighting is exactly what happened to me. Kicking you when you are down is the specialty of the narcissist.
What did they do?
Happened to me. all the time.
Yes and the words feel like a kick to the chest.Youre on the ground crying and they walk over you like you aren't even there. Then the next day ACT LIKE NITHING EVER HAPPENED. Now you're crazy because you're emotional about something that matters in no way to them.
The gaslighting is off the chain with a narcissist!
@@kaitlincox9714yes! Facts!
Holy crap, the line about narcissists expecting you to read their minds really hits home. I don’t know how many times I’ve “caused” a fight by not reacting the way they wanted me to react, by not doing things in the precise way that they wanted it done.
Amen!
I just refuse to openly figure out and acknowledge their expectations. Being disagreeable to piss them off. Not letting a selfish asshole dictate ethics for me. If they want something, than make it harder for them and make them tell it if they dare. That's a good opportunity for disagreements. With enough disapproval, they won't get the chance to rule over you and they will just stop asking you.
Not much to gain, but to maintain self preservation. The best that could happen in a 1on 1 situation is that the scammer didn't found a real victim.
Amen.
My parents give me money every year , and then say you can somewhere nice , I tell them I am ok , and that money will be saved for retirement , and they seem mad . If I refuse there give of money they seem mad , my Mon cried one time and I put my arms around her and told her I loved here . Nothing from her arm limp and went to the other room where she left her used tissue by my computer . My father did nothing , only said to talk to your mother .
Overheard my Dad say to my Mom I am going to fail , but on the phone different person . I cannot do this anymore I am 59 yrs old life is too short .
They use words in conversation that don’t have the definition they’re implying. When you take their words literally they rage. The fight is never fair. They yell, “Semantics!” like you’re being too sensitive EVEN IN UNDERSTANDING THE ENGLISH (or other native) LANGUAGE!! So sick of it. Apples ain’t apples in convos with them. The game is always rigged.
I am an older person... and once I started watching Dr Ramini's channel, I realized how many MANY narcissists I have had in my life over the years.
Jettison them all.
Me too!!!! She is sooo good at describing the traits of a narcissist!!! I was married to a man that "acted " so cold sometimes that I was asking my self, "Why is he being so cold and mean? I thought he loved me!"
Yes, listening to this the conclusion is that everybody is a narcissist
@@lyudmilasarina7302 that is your unsupported conclusion, not one stated here by anyone else.
It's everywhere now in my family, in my Church and especially in my workplace.
Dr. Ramani. You, honestly, have saved my life.
My physical body.
My mental state.
My emotionally balance.
The whole ME (trying to remember who I am)
This narcissistic partner (14 years with him) almost destroyed me. Until I found your educational videos (and my own rage).
Thank you dr.! With all my heart ❤
I owe you! ❤
i wish i could lay out all the things he's done, and be seen. its too much. it all bleeds together. ive got tons of random notebooks now..its insane Nd he wont ownup to it and says it was me ABUSING him..i csnt fathlm..idk how..how he has no instance to loint oit and ignored STRAIGHT UP just ignores the things i bring up, and he IS all about the whole god sprite mindful stuff.. i just.. hes so cruel and i know he int stupid but he pretends like..wealonized ignorance or.. im so fuckedd up i cant even make..i.. idk. im playing victim though. idk how to get out of this
Awwwww🫶. Yes, she is priceless. 🤲🙌🙌
@@MsRabbitFood Please read about reactive aggression aka “reactive abuse” (which isn’t “abuse” at all but a reaction to being emotionally, physically, sexually or otherwise abused). This is so important because, as one example, oftentimes abusers will calmly say things that are devastating, sadistic, outrageously cruel and false and will do so knowing that if they repeat this pattern enough and don’t back down even when you plead with them to stop or try to defend yourself or try to walk away that eventually you will get upset (why wouldn’t you be?) and might raise your voice or react in an angry or exasperated way and then they will use your reaction against you and claim it as “evidence” that you have an anger problem and that you are hurting them or even that you are the abuser. Even trained first responders and therapists sometimes fail to recognize what is actually happening and inadvertently collude with the abuser, sometimes leading to devastating consequences for the person being abused.
@lchareh oh man this is exactly what happened to me. My ex always focus on my reaction and put the blame on me. He's like no matter what you shouldn't react like that.
The helping one is the most annoying because it doesn't have to be a grand gesture. All they have to do is mask being polite and people think they're great!
That's my cousin!
Wanting others to see the narcissist accurately is futile since they live for their image. You must only concentrate on saving yourself
Yep... Few years ago, I went no contact with some toxic people, and landed into a different friendship with a covert narcissist... They noticed the troubles I was going through, and my grandfather had also passed away during the drama.... My neighbor invited me to help with their Day of the Dead alter, and I could add my passed loved ones.... It ended up being she would start putting up the alter, then she would mention she had to do something inside, and I would end up decorating most of the decorating (I am a local artist, and was a born artist of sorts....) and she would take the credit for it when her parents would come to view the alter.... This happened for a few years.... I also opened up to her, which was a huge mistake.... Cause it was later used against me. I went no contact with this person May 2022. Grateful.
Some people see the hate and games they play on others and help! Flying monkeys
Ailias That's exactly right and it's incredible, albeit understandable, how many people take others at face value! I've learnt even more from observing highly narcissistic, or worse, individuals in action. 🙁
Being on the wrong end of a narcissistic person I can confirm with experience is awful , they have no empathy , no real feelings , they are fake .
Yes they are
My first experience this n it’s mind blowing
They are the living dead. 🧐🤯
Yes my ex narc affair partner was in the hospital and was miffed I called him(he said "you could have called the desk nurse for info )he wasnt dying or anything🙄
My ex used to say to me, "No one will ever love you like I do." I was completely seduced by that phrase. Then he totally screwed me over .
So sorry Finn. Love from Boston..🙌🥰🥰🥰
Yep, every narcissistic partner tries this
The narcissists did to me, gaslighting, manipulating, sabotaging,, lying, love bombing, hot & cold, hovering, self reflecting and two faces
My problem is, oftentimes I can see through persons’ BS at the very first moment they speak to me, but as an empath I pretend not seeing it because I want to avoid any conflict and afraid others would see me as freak. No longer do that anymore. I accept who I am and I’m practicing being honest with compassion. 😂
I've always done that too ... Act like I don't realize they're full of $h!t, or whatever it may be. But I notice that alot of people tend to underestimate me, like I'm just clueless, kinda pisses me off sometimes . lol
There's a song that covers that, Effie Passero does a beautiful rendition of Creep.
I’m the same way…see right through it.
That's called being a wimp
look how accepting and coddling society is to narcs. leave these ppl behind and listen to moondogs song "do your thing"😎
One of the things that has come up several times on your channel, including in this video, is the exhaustion one feels while being in a narcissist relationship. I was so oblivious to how it was being used against me. After all, an exhausted person is more easily manipulated. However, I remember that while I was in a narcissistic relationship my mother commented that I was always tired. Little did she know that it was because of the abuse I was suffering.
they like to keep you exhausted and sleep deprived at the same time just to name a couple of many tactics they enjoy inflicting on others .
🙏❤️🕊️
Same. I had to take a week from school with a boyfriend
Because the narc be draining your energy
Ahh yes the good old energy vampire
People with strength and boundaries turn them off, and only people pleaser types will actually feel guilty for this kind of mind game BS. This is why an internal locus of self worth and boundaries becomes so critical!
Once I get gaslit, shamed and guilt-tripped when I KNOW I DID NOTHING WRONG, I will just remove myself from their presence. I dont care about them.
Same
Right.
Phrases like " NOT my problem " or " you're funny " will piss them off when they want a reaction....Or I mirror their behavior and they can't deal with it especially when I dont answer my phone but send a text " I'm busy ". 😅
The most painful and brain racking tactic that my husband had told me in arguments was those things that I was supposedly tell him, not the other way around. It made me so confused and shocked that a lot of times I was speechless and defenseless. For example, he would tell me in a heated argument:
(I am tired of babysitting you, stop being lazy and dependable). At that time, I never knew he was describing himself to the core. After many many years, I realized that every single accusation was a confession. I respect and love you Dr. Ramani with all my heart.
I was told I was a psycho. I was told I was too skinny. I was told I don't have a real job, when he had no job. I was told that my kids are not learning anything from me but anger when it was him always swearing at all of us. ..
They just love to tell you all the things supposedly wrong with you. Often they're projections but we take them onboard. My mother "you're just like your father, you can't make decisions, you hate person x,y,z, you think too much, you don't like mess, you, you you". If I said any of these things to her she would go crazy. They have big mouths and fragile egos and no empathy
I can relate, when you start seeing it, and you start backtracking, damn.. They do talk about themselves
Facts.
Yup, witnessed that too!
I'm still in the narc relationship, 5yrs in, and I'm just now researching and understanding our dynamic. There really is no hope for these people, is there? 😒 I spent so long getting breadcrumbs and hanging onto hope. It's finally hitting me that there is none..
No hope, NONE. I was married to a narc for 20 years. The condition itself prevents any hope of hope. They are so empty and fragile inside they cannot admit any faults or that anything needs fixing. Thus the gaslighting, lying, mirroring etc.
DON'T WASTE ANY MORE TIME. I wasted 20 years. Get out now, please.
There is no hope. They are not normal, you cant fix it first of all they dont think they have issues. Run and dont feel bad, they will suck the soul right out of you and you will loose all your self worth and feel like you are the problem thats their plan
Trust me girl, cut it off, now. Ignore when they say they cant live without you, or they will do something stupid like suicide, NOPE, evil liar doing some acting.
12 years with mine. He'll sex bomb me for a few days and set up an expectation and then deliberately, coldly stop for no reason. And then have the audacity to get mad at me for wanting to make love basing it off his expectation he set.
But I'm just ungrateful and greedy and silly for feeling desire for him. Then he flips the switch and no more from him for extended periods. Rejection really f's with your head and self-worth. Seems like marriage is just a way to lock you in their prison to do with as they see fit.
He also "jokes" around that I'm his toy or plaything. 🙄😢😭😞
I feel you pain girl. I'm 6 years in and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. It doesn't get better....EVER.
It’s crazy how they can manipulate a skilled therapist
They're notorious for being able to hoodwink therapists.
Because they are ancient demons…the fallen ones
Mine wanted to attend the counseling sessions so he could control everyone/everything. I didn't allow this!
Great comment. bUT she woke up! 🥰🙌
Most therapists are codependent
They don’t see the manipulation red flags
My narc father prevented my mom to find a job, he horribly shamed her and started arguments and openly commanded her not to shame him by going for these “low-class” positions and then after their divorce he gets real close to her face and tells her “why don’t you get a job?” …little did he know she already did, all she did was laugh as he was leaving. Not only did she get a job, she got a government job notoriously hard to get and aced all her exams to get it. Something many people couldn’t achieve. She told me it surprised her how capable she was to do something like that. To this day she is proud of her accomplishments. These narcs poison lives with their control and bullying. He ruined my life as well, I only come to realize in my late twenties the name of this sickness and learning more and more about this is helping me develop my life again, a development that was stunted horribly since I can remember at age 2. Horrible memories…the freedom to think, do, live taken away. I had to protect my inner self and learned early on how to fake, I didn’t even realize what I was doing but it’s plainly survival.
i hate the government, narcissists.
So glad you see all this now and can heal. 🤍
I’m glad your learning to work through it and getting yourself back. Good for mom too.
Thank you so much for your comment. We are SURVIVORS! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🥰
Glad your mom and you escaped for good. Much love ❤❤❤🙏🏼😇🕊️💫
It is so hard to understand someone doing these things on purpose.
It's not all conscious, it's just deeply ingrained in who they are. That's why they don't change. It would be like removing flour from water
Me too…🤒😬
Yes, absolutely! Why would someone WANT to be a "bad" person?
They actually live in a constant hell: Imagine having a live-in torturer in your own mind that treats you the way the narc treats others - that constantly criticizes, evaluates, demeans, and punishes you for every single thing said and done if the external world does not view you "properly". I think what people miss is, narcs have internalized their abusers - it's like the ego has turned on the host for not protecting it, and the narc is paying penance to the ego and must lie, cheat, steal, whatever for fear of the wrath of the ego torturer/abuser. One thing that was left out of the presentation was that when they are caught in a lie it triggers abject, primal fear in them - think of the kind of fear as a murder trying to find you hiding in a closet - they aren't lying out of maliciousness - they are lying out of raw, mortal terror because their true internal world being revealed is as severe as the threat of being brutally murdered - and their ego is what will murder them. Part of what creates their hell is all of their coping mechanisms proactively repulse people, and makes it impossible for people to have any compassion for them, when all they want is to experience real genuine love, hence the abandonment issues. Truly a living hell... a hell that nobody but them can do anything about.
“You can’t be a mindful and present asshole” absolute gold 😂 you’re just brilliant! thank you for always calling out things exactly for what they are and so unapologetically, I value this type of truth and honesty so much 🙏🏻
Agreed
They think their narcissism isn’t noticeable to others.
Their pride makes them think they are getting away with their behavior.
God sees everything, and can see the evil intent of their hearts!!
We pray for those who have no fear of Our Lord Jesus Christ!🙏
If they repent, God is kind & merciful!🕊💞
He will forgive them if they “truly” repent!🙏
God bless you Dr. Ramani!🙏❤️🌸
1. How they mirror you
2. How they toy with you (cat and mouse)
3. How they want you to read their minds
4. How they false mindfulness
5. How they help out with strings attached(sudo generosity)
Orrin narcissists are dangerous. Not normal..
“False mindfulness“ can also be “false Christianity”
THANK YOU! ❤
I use to say I can't read your mind, to the covert one. Another thing is they change their mind often, sometimes without letting you know.
The reason I feel people fall for narcissists is because narcissists appear to be interested. They are only interested in someone for an agenda. Traits of a narcissist like lieing, drama , everyone is out to get them, self centered , etc. Thank you .
My narcissistic mother has a game she likes to play where she will outright ask us for our opinions or what is bothering us purely with the intent of gaslighting, mimimizing or mocking us for it. After a while, you learn not to open up to her at all, but that can make her even worse, saying that you are not talking to her.
spot on cause this is my traits rn ...
Thank you I just had it out with a co-worker who is a narc called her out
@@Hendrixtanell13 watch your back…they are more devious than you could ever imagine and will probably make it their life’s goal to undermine you every chance they get!
@@englishlady9797 have you tried telling her about "decoy" things? Like "this is bothering me so much, I am so worried about it!" - but in reality you could care less about that thing. Keeps her busy and doesn't hurt you.
My mind is blown away...16 years of marriage you explained in one hour. Thank you for the work you are doing and the lives you are saving. I've been playing mind reader for 16 years..I just don't say anything anymore because anything I say wrong. I also grew up in a chaotic home so it always seemed normal.
My exact situation this is I don’t know how many times he’s done with me! Almost 17 years of marriage I had 2 children already we have 3 together and he has one the same age as our middle child! And he has cheated on me so many times and threatening to take our children constantly
Get out!
Leave momma. I left mine last year. March 12th 2023. After finding out she was cheating Feb 8th, 2023. I gave her 3 beautiful girls and 10 yrs of unconditional Love while she gave me Hell. It's hard I know but you can do it. I'm coming close to a year since I moved out. I'm not going to lie it has been rough and I even still kept in contact. We still had sex and I was still helping her out and being there for her but nothing changed. Things just got worse and she really started getting ugly. I'm rooting for ya.
Mirroring is so real, One of the best things you can do to see a narcissist’s mirroring in action is to observe them with people you don’t like or trust. In my experience (and I’ve seen it in two different people) they became so similar to the people they were trying to ingratiate themselves with, I could hardly recognize them. Unfortunately, I did not take it as seriously as I should have at the time.
This x 100000
🤯this is eye opening in regard of stories when a partner behaves awful while in the company of "friends", but behaves sweet when alone.
Is this why they find social situations so difficult? Because they find it impossible to mirror everyone at the same time? Or are some people genuinely socially uncomfortable? How do you know which scenario it is?
@@redhead8777 I didn’t find they had any trouble social situations. People thought they were charming. One boyfriend had people thinking he was a victim in regards to his ex wife (I believed it as well). People said they thought he was a great guy until they really understood what he did to her, to me and to the woman after me (which was even worse). They are very good manipulators.
same here . amazing how devious they are.
Counseling together with a narcissistic person is a joke. They simply con the therapist. Living here in radical acceptance and structured scheduling to live separately. He thinks everything is good 🤷♀️… works if you need to stay together. Thank you for the release of hoping of change
Ugh…..this is frustrating and wakes up the old gaslighting knife. I’m so glad you were able to see that . Not everyone can . Thank God you knew what was going on. Happened to me with a brand new therapist who had just finished school . I saw it too , keep shining !
Mine told me the therapist was siding with me on all issues and it wasn't fair. Lol
My husband does this. After 22 years he still doesn't know me at all "unless I tell him." We have a large mirror in our bathroom - if my husband and I are in the room at the same time, he will talk to me while watching himself in the mirror. It's almost as if he's talking to himself and I'm not there.
Creepy eh
I ask this not to invalidate or anything, and there is real odd stuff here where you may be right, but can he just be autistic?
I know for me I rely a lot on verbal communication because I struggle reading queues, but also I don't stare at myself reliably especially if I have a partner.
Things can coocur.
My last narc on our first date he asked me about 20-30 questions it see what I had of value… I kept saying “I don’t have that, I don’t have any major credit cards, I don’t have a lot of money, clothes, shoes… “ he later tried to make me feel less than for not having the materialism. I thought it was funny that he didn’t have much to work with or exploit 😂 I am a minimalist… him saying “You don’t have ANYTHING!!” made me feel great before I have all I need. I told him I wasn’t working and he kept saying “Yea, go work out since you don’t have a job!”, “When are you getting a job?”, begun to text me high paying jobs… every conversation was “Have you decided what you going to do about a job?”, “I told him I’m waiting on the Lord and will not work for 6 months…
Yet when we met he said “I don’t want you to work but stay at home”
I called him out on his behavior and I got rid of him quickly.
I googled that he spent 6yrs in federal prison for wire fraud and mortgage fraud…
I think he is a malignant
That is krazy! Never thought of telling people the wrong info to get ahead of them! I’ll be doing this next time!!
Omg!! From the sound of it he was going to rob you blind!
Your comment made me feel uneasy and my heart is pounding because I had a very similar experience with my ex narc. First he said to me that he was very frugal and that he didn’t care about money that much, that he didn’t have materialistic values. I’ve got a humble job as a librarian in my small city. In the discard phase he started criticizing my job, saying that I needed to search for a better job opportunity with a higher salary and started to be obsessed about some properties that I’m going to inherit from a family member… And he made me feel unworthy and less because I was not rich… He also commited mortagage farud so I hope is not the same person… his name starts with “V”…
I've given up on dealing with the resentment and sarcasm: I have better things to do than listen to the narcissist.
I have Asperger’s and sometimes I imitate people to fit in. When I met a girl who did the same to me, I took pity on her because I thought she was undiagnosed Aspie. Unfortunately I was actually dealing with a narcissist
Thats good, and most people cannot identify it like you did. Im glad you didnt get trapped like most do.
Typical vampire energy. Don't be surprised when someone doesn't wanna be around you or they confront you... justifiably. That type of energy is weird invasive and spooky.
I was almost forty when I was finally diagnosed with Asperger's, I have had a history of being an abusive relationships with cluster B times, mostly sociopaths and narcissists, but a few with BPD. And they all have had substance use disorders, most of them covert and it's when I call them out that the spark start flying and the gaslighting begins. Thankfully it, once I left my ex, I was able to get a proper diagnosis and now I know that it wasn't me who was judgmental, I'm simply autistic and have sensory processing issues and when I would assert my boundaries with the narcissistic abusers, they would gaslight me and say that I was being a "Karen".
Your last sentence has me thinking... I returned here, because I am thinking about how vulnerable we as autistic individuals are to cluster B personality types. Luckily (!?) I have gone through & survived the trials of many years have narcissistic abuse, along with being homeless as a adolescent and throughout my teens (i ran away due to other family issues), and ended up with a lot of older men who took advantage of me, and many of them were narcissistic.
I feel that professionals need to warn individuals when they encounter a narcissist during couples therapy. I went to couples therapy with my ex who have two kids with (he's never met the second cause he attacked me when I was pregnant). The therapist never once mentioned that he was a malignant narc, but his behavior during the sessions was pretty evident. If I would have been warned and pulled aside after the session, I could have done more to protect myself and perhaps avoided having the miscarriage I ended up having before my second full term pregnancy. It was very stressful during that time because my grandpa was in hospice care and my ex was being really difficult to deal with, the abuse was out of control!
“One error I encounter with troubling frequency is the failure of couples therapists to assess adequately for partner abuse. By partner abuse, I mean the use of force, intimidation, or manipulationor the threat to use any of those methodsto control, hurt, or frighten an intimate partner. Note that the definition can be met even if no physical violence is involved. Verbal and psychological tactics are more common; frequently, they are also more effective at controlling, hurting, or frightening another, and they can be more emotionally damaging in the long run. I have met with couples whose seasoned therapists, over the course of several years’ treatment, missed the extent and severity of the physical and emotional abuse taking place at home.” -Albert J. Dytch, Licensed Family Therapist
Yes. The mirroring and imitation. Absolutely creepy and stalky! Feels like Twilightzone. Like someone is trying to steal me!
OMG, “beware when a naked man offers u his shirt”. This describes how a narc pretended to have a lot to give , when they had zero. But, not seeing that, it can be little things that entangle U to them. As it went on, I was doing a lot for them, so I planned a year out, how I was going to disentangle the web that connected us to each other. Initially, I believe I asked for a favor first, & Little did I know what I was getting into & it took me a long time to figure out. This narc is covert, has a defiance disorder, is needy, & loves revenge. Every narc is unique in the ways they try to manipulate & control others. Thanks for shedding light on the mirroring, bc I just realized it did happen, then the discard began. & I was told not to discuss what I was going thru. They demanded control over me & what I could talk about.
My two biggest narcissistic people in my life are my mom and my ex. My mom is the queen of manipulation and I’ve been getting stronger though
Me, too. My mother and my ex, who is also the father of my children. So it's hard for me to get away from this crap fully. Good luck with your journey!
@@northofyou33 thanks, I’m scared to have kids because of all my trauma
Hahahaaaa. ME TOO. I am strong in the LORD and in my realization, I am worth a healthy loving relationship. 😉🕊🕊🕊🕊🕊
I can tell you that constantly trying to avoid a blow up is exhausting. I am fortunate enough to now leave, totally, this relationship. I may occasionally see this other person in group situations, but i can smile, then avoid. I would rather be lonely than be back where I was.
"Constantly trying to avoid a blow up is exhausting" - this is exactly what I've been doing with a certain individual at work and it really has been so incredibly exhausting! I am so tired of always looking for the signs of potential blow-ups. I hate that I've been dealing with this person for so long that I actually CAN detect when this person is about to act out and I feel so alone because my other coworkers are always newbies so they don't know and I can't warn them.
@@iGoByPenelope maybe you need to blow up on those ass!!! Fucc then narcs
@@Hendrixtanell13 I finally did once, when I had enough, then the narc got their flying monkeys. I realize that I'm the only one who can make the change. I need to leave but, somehow, haven't found the strength. One day. It'll probably be when I retire 😆. Hopefully not tho
I think I fell back in the pond after getting over my first break that threw my life wrong side up. I Need to change. Urgently
They accuse you of blindsiding them when you bring up issues that you've been thinking about, but they are the most difficult people to have any kind of vulnerable conversation with. Like, dude, I would have brought it up ages ago if I wasn't scared of your reactions.
Hi Dr Ramani. Thinking back, I remember when we first started dating, he kept staring at me. He gave me ONE compliment in 5 years. He told me he was "falling in love with me." That's how it started, then, it took off from there. EVERYTHING I did was GREAT! (According to him). The Love bombing was terrific, and I fell for him. I loved him! He told me that he always liked women with dark hair and brown eyes, but I was the opposite. He said he's shocked that he fell for blonde hair, blue eyes. Sorry to disappoint you. Well, he finally found her when I left him. This was 11.4 years ago, and God knows where he's at. All I know is, I'm FREE! GREAT TOPIC..BTW, I met quite a few narcs and I RUN from them.
My husband actually tried to kill me. When I threw him out he has taken to stalking me. The situation is much more complicated than the information I have given you, but I wanted everyone to know that it is important to get out!!!
Yeah, like me telling my narcissistic ex I was assaulted. I was hit in head With a iron speaker Almost died and he really use that against me evil
They mirror you when they play the victim. I notice he uses my exact phrases and sentences I use when attempting to set boundaries with him. When I told him not to yell at me - he was so angry that I set a boundary with him that he tried to bait me, and when I mildly fell for the bait (getting frustrated but in no way yelling the way he was) he had what he wanted - the opportunity to yell "stop yelling at me" in a faux scared voice....so he could be the victim.
It's insane. He's so not the victim to the point he can only be one if he copies the phrases from me!
He copies my phrases because he doesn't actually know what it's like to be the victim!! He needs to copy me!
My ex did the same thing to me. I feel your pain
My narcissistic ex was extremely upset for my having given him the "wrong gift." This person was often also annoyed when I approached him with certain topics at the "wrong time," all because I was expected to read his mind, act accordingly and to know which topics to avoid all at the same time, depending on his fluctuating mood which could turn into emotional dysregulation at any time like an explosive time bomb. When I asked him to communicate his needs and requests, I was shut down with a comment that I should be able to understand his needs and requests without him communicating them to me - his grandiosity and self-centeredness is flabbergasting.
The literal translation I just escaped from. I hope you’re safe.
My partner does that 😢
When you mentioned gift it reminded me of how a couple of how a couple of Christmases ago ( second Christmas after my father had died) how my mother ( I live with her) said in different words that there was not really a need to put out most of her Christmas decorations anymore because she wasn’t going to get many gifts. I said to her that I didn’t know that Christmas was about how many gifts someone received. She was all upset and sulked on her room for hours like she normally does.
@@kaitlincox9714 I empathize with you and I'm sorry to hear that ... I can also relate to your experience as I experienced something similar.
I had the same experience with underwear! It was a whole evil moment.😑
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Additionally, If you ever suspect your partner is cheating on you give it a try and remotely access their phone. I had to follow my instincts and get in touch with this private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com who gave me unrestricted access my partner device.
Oh my goodness. I went to dinner with my narc fiancé and the check came and he looked at it and said he would pay the tip. I told him not to bother grabbed the check, paid, and walked out. He found me outside crying. Then denied that this happened and lied and said I insisted on paying. INSANE. He would come in and just start gaslighting me saying the most horrible, random, disrespectful things.
….well said. Yeah honestly just getting the fuck out as soon as you’re able to is your best bet
I really needed to read this today. I'm currently 3 months into what you went through in the 6 months before the discard. Your story gave me some hope for myself and clarity that what I'm feeling is valid. Thank you, sincerely.
WOW! Thank you so much and right on time. 🙌🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰✝
My narc/ex/bm would start physical fights as well. Iv never hit a woman & I've never had one do more to test me on that & break my lifelong streak. After hitting me, she'd call the police saying I hit her & end up arrested herself. Then blamed me for her legal problems. I really loved her & was insanely attracted to her. I can't get over how terrible it is to finally have found the girl of my dreams, only for it to become a waking nightmare have it all dissolve into ashes in my hands
Mine always says to me "you should know why" every time. And I always say "I'm not a mind reader". He says "thats your fault". Now I understand why he says that. Thank you Dr. Ramani
Reminded me of my narcisssitic ex -- "You're going to have to work hard to keep from being like your mom. Here's what you should do: ___do_something_for_me___. ___do_something_for_me___. ___do_something_for_me___. Oh and while we're at it, relationships are hard for me, I don't want to see you as often as ___in_the_lovebombing_phase__."
Thanks for posting Dr Ramani
Thanks so much for this valuable information! I've been completely out of the narc relationship for more than 3 years and am finally almost back to a sense of normal calm. But I continue to watch these as they keep me feeling strong and safe. Anyone who has been through narcissistic abuse understands that. It's taken years for me to fully understand that "it wasn't my fault."
One of my fav songs: Michael Kiwanuka - You Ain't The Problem 😎
I’m entering year # 5 away from a narcissistic marriage of 32 years. Occasionally my sense of normalcy gets disturbed by discovery of information from the past.
I'm only 4 months out after 25yrs. I couldn't articulate what was wrong, I thought I was going insane. I'm on the road to recovery now and helpful when you know what your dealing with.
@@timothy450 Yes - it's very disturbing those discoveries. Sometimes watching these vids triggers memories and I discover one more thing that I overlooked that should have been a red flag. It's a learning process.
Me too. Got out of narc relationship for 2 years and still hard sometime to adjust and see who I m really worth. I m much happier
I recently cut off a narcissistic friend of several years 2 months ago. He still continues to come to my home every 2 weeks, but I don't answer or communicate. I blocked his number on my phone. He left me a written note on my porch stating how dumb I was acting, that I need help, that I'm acting psycho, and obviously unhappy in my life, and then he came over again fake crying and stating he was sorry over and over then left when I didn't open the door! He just described himself😮 He is a very sick person a narcissist, pathological liar, delusional, and lives in fantasy life.
I feel so free from all of the stress, manipulation, lies, gaslighting, stealing and lying to me!.
Will he ever disappear and go away forever?
I stay strong and don't communicate or react, no contact at all!!!🙏
Thanks for your professional wonderful knowledge and videos!🙏
The cat and mouse thing is really accurate. I get so tired that I can't do things for myself and be proactive and plan
Been there!💗
WOW... And I was going crazy thinking it was just me wow they have a way of making you feel that way don't they? Sad RASCALS..SMH.
I'm going through the same. I have MDD and I'm exhausted and emotionally crushed. I totally understand I am living this situation.
I feel your pain i am still trying to get my discipline back!
Been there. Done that. It's a bad place to be. It ruins your life.
During a couples trip, our friend’s wife recommended therapy to us.. Because I said “ if my spouse came home and saw me looking sad, they’ll just match my mood, not ask what’s wrong or try to cheer me up”.. I realize now, that it’s a part of that mirroring piece.. therapy won’t help because they don’t care or think they’re doing anything wrong..
Omg yes! It always becomes about them!
I could never be upset at anything they did or hold them accountable. If I did, their action or bad mood was always because something I had supposedly done days or weeks before, which I would (of course) have to apologize for. They would then begrudgingly thank me for my apology.
@@revolutionunderground I’m sorry you have to go through that .. I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do and I guess that’s why I get the silent treatment, and it’s my favorite game, I dish it right back.. This experience has brought me closer to my faith!! That’s the only plus!!
Omg so true. Mine does this too. I can never be sad or mad, without hi. Figuring out how to get in the same mood...it makes me so angry lol
@@revolutionunderground My narc mother is like that. She can be normal one minute, and then be in a foul mood or giving us the silent treatment the next. She expects us to read her mind, of course, but when we do finally find out what is wrong, it is almost always something which one of us said or did hours or even days earlier. It not even something "wrong" but just has to be a percieved slight, insult or injury.
When I was with my ex husband he and his family emotionally abused and gaslit me so much, after several years I caught pneumonia, developed an allergy, caught various illnesses, slammed my finger in a car door where my nail fell off and eventually had a nervous breakdown and became suicidal while he sat by and watched. I was so low, I had no time to notice all his lies and subterfuge. Eventually I left, since the divorce has been over, my health has never been better.
The mind reading. Yes. I was just getting to that. A child of narcissistic parents is very intuitive. It's the hyper-vigilance of having to navigate such perilous terrain in fear of the moment the love would be snatched away again. This happened often and even when it was the actions of others, that were completely beyond my control. My parenrs divorced and the hatred and shenanigans, the horrific vindictiveness---between not just my parents, but BOTH FAMILIES was beyond brutal for a sensitive child--Got sent to a psychologist who observed i was mixed up, but he was on mommys side, and i knew how to act to have the love----just as i did, with those on daddys side----so basically, the psych got a lot right and my life was predicted by a professional before the courts in deposition-all those people were told yet, MY SITUATION DID NOT CHANGE. IN FACT--the worst part, my mother was even worse, covertly abusive and far more damaging than the others. She just got to continue f-&cking me up, and moved on to my kids! While pointing fingers at my fathers side and making herself look like a martyd saint! Im so sick of being told how good she was and how much she loved me.! Shes dead and continues to steal my joy. Im an alienated mother and alone.
The narcissit in my life thinks I'm the cause of every bad thing that's ever happened in the world since the beginning of time. I laugh outloud, which confuses them.
My narcissist LOVES invalidating my U.R cycling Bipolar I. I often get teased for consistently going to therapy and psychiatry and taking my meds.
My ex narcissist boyfriend said when he discarded me- I gave you signs I was not in love with you…. I had to be a mentalist to get that narc back then.
this is really shockingly common, that when you're discarded they drop the "you should've read my mind"
I've tried to have a conversation with the narc telling him all the things he does to me is abusive. He deny everything and lies about it. He has anger issues and somehow puts it on me. Telling me if I will just listen and follow his lead he wouldn't talk to me bad or call me names. He says the only way he can get my attention is call me names. Then he'll buy me something nice and carry on like nothing has happened. Until his next explosion. I'm tired and when talk of leaving he threatens me with our child.
You need to plan out your exit and leave without telling him anything in advance. And then, you need to go no-contact and stay strong as you file for divorce and for custody of your child. Talking about any of this with him just gives him an opportunity to manipulate you further.
You are my hero madam! So succinct, so down to earth, and no nonsense.
My daughter was heading down a slippery slope, but can't to me for help. I warned her if she really wanted me to help she better be fine because I was going to pull out a side of me she had no idea existed! She can't back to me a few days later and said she had enough, please help mom!
I pulled every truck in the book, ran interference between her and her narcissist, I hid her behind me literally and figuratively.
He had no idea what hit him.
The rage. O. M. G!!! 😯
I've never seen such hell on wheels in my 62 years! No movie, no real life situation has laid me to witness such fury!
Daughter went 100% zero contact. The story and his attempts to retake control is a very long story, but that asshole has an arsenal that's actually quite impressive. But he didn't known I've got a well stocked and powerful Arkansas of my own. The main weapon in mine is my love for my daughter. It knows no bounds. I'll step in front of a bullet, a train, a speeding car, you name it I know without a doubt Is do what I have to if it means I save her!
I did what I had to do to keep him from accessing my daughter. She was terrified to stay home alone while I was at work. I arranged to have a couple of male friends- who are huge, mean, and protective of me and my daughter (they are lifelong friends of my late husband)- to come and stay with her while I am at work. If they are busy she can go to one of their houses and stay with their wives. They are careful they are not followed by anybody, in case he sits in wait for her to leave and follow her, or have someone do it for him.
He said, after he realized she was gone, and gone for good, that he'll get to her, he will have his chance to make her see that she belongs to him, even if he has to kidnap her and take her far away!
He also told me to watch my back and I told him to bring it, nothing he does is interesting or scary to me. I was so calm in telling him those words that he was shaking so hard he could barely stand up. Then I walked away. He couldn't even say anything he was so livid.
He is irrelevant.
It's been three months, and this last month he's gone silent.
His mother and I are friends, she had to cut him out of her life, because he is so toxic she was extremely stressed, then her blood pressure went through the roof! Her doctor told her she was going to have a stroke if she didn't find a way to separate from the anxiety and constant stress.
He is just like his father she says.
He has also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
So, for the last month of the three since my daughter came to me to help her get away, he has gone completely silent. Daughter got a new phone and it's in my name so he can't look up her number, but it was my phone he was blowing up, just as I intended.
His mother says she believes he is seeing someone new. Unfortunately she still has to talk to his demon father because they still have a business together, though all she does is have input because she's major stockholder, and not one thing can happen without her signature. He absolutely hates that, but seems to be mellowing in his old age.
He told her the demon spawn is seeing someone new.
My daughter cried when I told her. I asked why she was crying, and she told me it's not sadness mom, it's relief! Overwhelming relief from dodging a bullet that she knew would kill her eventually.
She's so happy this last month. She laughs again, she sings again while she is working on her crafts, she sleeps soundly and restfully.
Her only lingering issue is she remains afraid when I'm at work. But our guards are in it for the long haul, and with the blessings of their wives, and standing invitation for her to go stay with them if the men are busy.
Is it frightening dealing with a narc that is in a full blown rage? Honestly? Nope. He doesn't scare me in the least.
I can defend myself too if the need arises. It is surprising to see that level of fury from a person though. Actually it's surreal. I hope to never see that kind of rage again, it is discombobulating to say the least.
But fear? Nah.
They are actually just spoiled, insolent, bratty 6 year olds not getting their way and tossing a tantrum. I suppose I should be afraid to a certain degree, but the "hell no!!!" factor in my anger at him hurting my daughter does not allow fear to creep in. I've no fear when it comes to protecting her.
I just read this just now and there was a couple of times when you said he went silent and it ran off an alarm Bell in my head a red flag you got friends on your side tell them wait for something some kind of rebound he's digging deep for some kind of new information, is he the one who said okay I'll go or the one who said I'll be back?
Mel please tel me your not still here I need peace your not on my stuff now x
Exactly
You are a superMom.
Good for you - being able to help your daughter. But what would you do if she kind of but kept resisting your help but then realizing she needed your help afterall, but then changed her mind again. Usually someone doesn’t reach out for help until that hook s firmly attached and the narc feels it’s safe to show his true self.
I've experienced the narcissist helping my family and charming them, to have the upper hand. When it comes to me being believed or trusted, that goes out the window because of the wonderful narcissist being so kind and helpful.
They are one way with you behind closed doors and the other way in public in front of others.
They think differently than you do. It’s essential to disengage and develop other relationships and become self-supporting so you can walk away.
Everything you have said, I am going through it at this very moment. I am getting my own place now. We've been together for ten hard long ass years. I am so tired. My dad passed away last year, and I took care of my dad without the help of anyone, just me and God. Then one day he acted out, and he said to me that I am a horrible person, and that I treated my dad badly. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath, and walked away. Then when I repeated what he said, he told me that he never said that. When he realized that I was not backing down, he said that I miss understood what he said. I can't wait to get from around him.
Because if I don't I will kill him!!!
Are you talking about a partner you live with?
Get your own place - you deserve a fresh start!
That's what they do they always say "I never said or That's not what I said"....smh gaslighting
Or it'll you don't look back
@@catherinepraus8635 if you get to the point you want to harm them, run, get away. It's not worth it. But I've been there a few times.
20 wasted years for me . I was literally 1 day from my divorce and being free from my ex-wife. I hadn't talked to her for 3 months. Then she came by my house the night before the court date and she sucked me back in so I called off the divorce. I wish I knew what I know now about narcissism. The one thing that I regret is that I missed out on being with a loving person. Now I have trust issues. Now, when I meet someone who is probably genuine, loving and caring, I start assigning my ex-wife narcissistic behavior to them so I never give them a chance because of it. My 2 sons are the only good things that came from this relationship.
After my father died and my mom was in a new relationship she actually was nice to me for the first time in my life. Now I realize she was with her new boyfriend and wanted to show our relationship in the best light. I was like: she's changed! It's a miracle. I'd just never seen her in the love bombing phase...
This video was so good!!!! I'm growing a set. I'm about to turn 55 in January, and I told God, "I want to start a new, drama free life by 55" Please pray for me. We don't even live together. We were married for 9 months, til I got tired of crying myself to sleep every night, waking up with puffy eyes, yet, we still hang out, we'll be 70 miles from home and he will start something or the silent treatment. So exausted.
He will ruin your credit and spend all your money. Protect yourself.
Oh, just a few minutes ago I've read the African proverb Beware when a naked man offers you a shirt, on Facebook and scribbled it down as narcissistic and applying well to my narcissist. Now I am hearing it from the number one specialist in narcissistic abuse. Thank you, Dr Ramini.
Sometimes that nakedness is only a spiritual one. Sometimes only revealed when the narcissist dies while the truth then all comes out because no one is afraid to tell the truth about the same any more. The narcissist(s) who enjoy objectifying others for their own gain instead of sharing with others doing the same when they can too for goodness sake.
What if naked woman offers clothed man a shirt, and clothed man is attracted to the naked woman? It means she took the shirt off herself for him?
Use a stupid pun you go to jail. There will always be your sorts out there. So not funny.
Men don't GAF about a shirt. A naked WOMAN yes.
@@crystalbluewire3339 I understand, but sometimes it might help to ad a little humor into all this serious analysis. A naked man hands his underwear to another naked man; beware?
Yes, he mimics me, and I find it extremely creepy. I know very little about his childhood and I've been an open book. It feels like an invasion of the body snatchers. This has helped me so much. I felt like I was the only one who's dealing with this phenomenon.
Part 2: I was exhausted from his insanity creating self. I fell into a massive depression. When I wasn’t working, I was sleeping and crying. I finally got medicine and had to hide it from him because he kept telling me it was all my fault and he thought I was faking. I did leave…
Good for you I’m in a marriage of 23 years and have way too much invested that I’ve decided not to leave I will live my life happily doing what I want and what makes me happy I will not let his trantrums ruin my life. It’s unfortunate that I can’t even talk to him about hopes dreams or even things that bother me at work bc he always finds a way of making it out all my fault or talk terrible about how I feel always putting down anything good in my life he has even treated my dogs I’ve had over the years he had is own dogs but mine are always the bad ones and he’s abused them as well and I think it’s bc they are mine
I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone and I can’t imagine doing that to other people even if I don’t like them. He makes little jokes about me putting me down etc then when I try to turn the table on him he gets really mad and I’ll say I was just joking bc that’s what he says he can dish it out but he can’t take it. He’s even done it in front of friends he’ll take something I’ve done goofy or whatever and make a jokes me about it front of friends trying to put me down or validate his feelings or something usually they don’t say anything because it’s usually something personal but if I was to do that’s to him he’d say something to me about it later or get mad when we got in the car to leave. I used to let that stuff get to me like feeling that I really am a bad person or weird to do things the way I do but I don’t let him get to me anymore I usually stand up for myself calmly and direct without much emotion
Mind reading ! I have JUST recently discarded my notion that my ex narc is willing to be just friends! I have spent a continued familiar 3 year post relationship roller coaster ride ( hamster wheel) "friendship" with my ex narc of 19 years because he knew I was hoping to be friends and neighbors. He knew what I wanted, so he manipulated with every mind game he had because what he truly was after was to get back in my good graces so he could get back into the beautiful house we built on 24 acres that he no longer lived in! I know now, as hard as it was to swallow, that just like in our 19 year "future faking" , "gaslit" relationship, he manipulated me in a 3 year "shaming, future faking, bread crumbing, baiting" FRIENDSHIP! I"m done. But in the last weeks of this ride I could clearly see how good he was as speaking in vague terms and conversation leaving his intentions for me to guess. And guess I did! He'd say things like, " I decided that I want to go out to dinner tonight" ( but he didn't say,"Do you want to go out to eat with me?")... He'd add, "I made up my mind that I was going to have fish tonight" ( but he didn't say, "Are you interested in seafood for a meal with me tonight?") and because we have danced the codependent-narcissist dance for the past 19 years, ... on cue I would respond with, " Did you want to go grocery shopping and we'll get fish and I'll cook it or do you want to go out to dinner?" I recognized him doing this day after day as he was trying to manipulate me back into his fold. I also recognized that this was also a way for him to NOT commit to a situation, because if needed later on, he could say, " I never invited you to dinner. That was YOUR idea!" ... or..." YOU were the one who invited me for dinner! I never said I wanted you to cook for me!" YES. Mind Reading 101! Glad I finally have figured it all out. Thank you. Thank you for being my continued therapy for breaking away from this manipulative abuse! My personal therapist got me going and YOU, Dr. Ramani, keep me on track with this difficult journey!
When their response to being called-out on all their torture is ‘yes certain comments yes we’re out of pocket to say; im sorry but u didn’t let me be your friend,’ you know that you never had a friend in them and that you’re lucky for it. You’ve got to understand the concept of a friend to be one, no matter what history you might have dealing with certain people or significant-others.
Don’t be friends with a narc
@@lanac7974 ) bufu
This is exactly what happened in my marriage. It was EXHAUSTING to manage and engage and eventually I just disconnected to stop it.
Did you divorce?
@@GhislaineMutombo In Process now.
🌹I love you! You saved my life, he almost killed me the last time! You’re my hero, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for making clear all the confusion. 💝🥰
So happy you’re okay.
Emulation is how I figured out each time he found new sources. He’d use social media and target interests, learn about them and then tell all his new interests - in tandem communication changed, trigger buttons pushed them discarded. 5 X I fell for it until I had to choose me.
If you find yourself needing theses videos. After the toxic relationship is over,you may need to continue for reminders and support!
I am not a spiritual person, but for me to describe finding Dr. Ramani, I would have to say that I believe in miracles.
I was with a narcissist for 11 years and he expecting me to read his mind constantly belittle me abused me he was a very complicated person. Now he's in prison
My dad is more into “stillness” and getting reacquainted with nature. He has a very grandiose attitude about his spirituality. I used to think he and I were on the same faith journey but now I’m realizing it’s because he was mirroring me. He has a non profit where he helps people in the inner city get access to vegetables and even has classes to teach people how to garden. The irony is he has a quote on his website about the importance of getting people involved and hands on teaching despite the fact he never taught me a damn thing. The only thing I learned growing up with him was how amazing and compassionate he was. It wasn’t until I woke up to his hypocrisy that our relationship changed. He and I both have radically different political views as well despite how much he tries to mirror his views with mine. It’s gotten to the point that I really can’t be around him anymore. Now I can see the cycle he’s put me through. Love bombing to reel me back into a relationship with him, having a honeymoon season with him where he acts like he cares but the moment there’s a disagreement it’s awful and I’m done with it.
nauseating aint it
Perfect description of a communal narcissist... so infuriating... my mom was a vulnerable narcissist, but I've also been hurt deeply by several folks like this.
@@keridesireeGerBaldi absolutely
@@jennw6809 yes!! And he’s been very hurtful how he’s gaslit me anytime I’ve tried to draw close to him and seek connection by pointing out concerns and problem areas and of course that never worked and only injured me more emotionally.
@@freshlybrewedtruth5600 yes of course 🥵❤🩹 So sorry and this is a great place to find support!!
I’ve had the experience of marrying a narc whom did a lot of “good deeds” to my family but he’d ask something in return from me afterwards. Everything he did had a price on my end, even sex… if I didn’t feel like getting intimate he’d mention the “favours” he was doing to my family and say that I had to pay him… when I finally left him(very traumatic divorce…) my “family” judged and doubted me for leaving him and some continue to say that it was my fault, that I was unfair for leaving him because he is such a “good guy”, so twisted…
I'm sorry
😔
They lack insight, empathy & are completely frustrating. Walking on eggshells not to set him off, in my own home.
My ex-boyfriend was everything you described. I was devastated. He devastated my family, calling them to report inflated stories. Maybe there was something unsettling in myself that kept me in this crazy cycle. I finally realized I had a choice in how I am treated. I realized the"why" in why would I continue to do this to myself? Thank you so much for your videos, I have learned a plethora of new information and I am grateful to finally be on the other side. Peace and Kindness
In the last year with my ex went was on a "spiritual" path....he told me that when he was young he had seen spirits....by chance, we went to a party where we met a medium and after that he was convinced that he had a special power...So then, he starts to buy a crystal ball, a pendulum, water diviner stuff, lots of books on this stuff...then came the postulating and saying, I am God and I know what is going to happen, what is the best thing to do, etc...When I finally left, as I was leaving I told him, you think you are so perfect, but you re not, you don't love me or anybody, you have no empathy and all you do is hurt people....If that is what perfection is, then I m happy to be imperfect!! He then started to beg me not to leave, I m sorry, I love you, then he changed and said, I don t need you I m better off without you, then as I was getting into my car, he said, its very late to leave, stay till tomorrow.....I finally left...forever( I had gone back to him maybe 7 or 8 times before)....On November 14th it will be 1 year since I left....I still have rumination, but I m trying to deal with it....
Stay strong 🙏🏼
That is sad.
Be well.
@@brianb7869 Trauma bonding....manipulation...its only when you become the person you were before, that you realise that the person you thought you loved, never loved you...just used you as an object for their own purpose...I am an empath, I thought he was bipolar and tried to fix him...but it was a never ending cycle, you think things will change, they never do, false promises, lies, and you feel you have to be with them, I don t know why, I can t explain, but I do know I lost my confidence, self esteem, my dreams, my hopes, I became a shell of who I was....And the effects last a long time after you leave...I am still recovering....
My individual case stopped short of fully-‘translucent’ mirroring because they never saw me for who I was in an accurate lens beyond a few indisputable and obvious characteristics so very-little was mirrored back to them but I came into deeper metaphysical cognisance around then and it turned out less than a year later that they’d been digging the chakra life despite being utterly morally-repugnant rats so I can personally vouch for this business of malignant folk turning to pseudo-spirituality for positive illusory projection being commonplace.
There are genuine spiritualists and narcissistic ones and the latter have no place in the heavenly abode they think they’re going after they pass (which generally couldn’t happen sooner).
@@sophiachampsi8953 be well. sorry. butt typo. It sounds like you are hurting. I wouldn't wish what you experienced on anyone. Having being gaslit or traumatized is a generational disorder that is truly tragic.
A guy I recently met had many toxic traits I picked up fairly quickly. He was very big on talking about himself and rarely asked questions about me. The questions he did ask were sexual. The other was what did I think my insecurities were. My eyes rolled so hard my phone almost broke lol
Yuck
It's hard to wrap your mind around it because they are so deceptive
My mom is full on narc, the control and manipulation is crazy !! I have actually seen satan in her eyes !! She is evil
You said it all when you said "narcissists give to get".
I have to constantly remember that when these folks seem nice, it's only a mask they're wearing to gain something from you.
All we can do is remain indifferent by not engaging w deceptive behavior; and keep enforcing our assertive boundaries around them.
Takes time and lots of practice.
Like the person who waits for the Refuse Collector and brings him water on hot days and hot chocolate on cold days, but expects him to take anything extra they put out without complaint.
Oh they absolutely do help others... but there is always a price.
I need to get away from my narcissistic husband! The problem is that I am disabled. I think he assumes I will never leave because of this! Because of this, he feels he can do whatever he wants! I am getting stronger every day! I have to remember to be patient and stay focused!
Thank you, doc. Ramani. I left my narcisisstic boyfriend almost 2 years ago, and he punched me right in the eye when (tired of the continuos gislighting, manipulation, silent treatment and mental violence I experiencing) I told him I was walking out the door. My life, and my self confidence, has reached peaks I would have never even dreamt of achieving. I have learnt what my self worth actually is and will never ever let anyone take it away from me. At the time, though, I did not really know "what" I had to deal with; I thought he was just some evil, drug addict nuisance. But understanding what it was all about heals my PTS even more. Thank you so much for your effort.
My ex has money and definitely uses it to buy a reputation and draw in friends. He bought me a car after we split, when he did something super shitty to me... ok, yet another shitty thing (I think he felt guilty). He has bought his daughters affection over other parent. He's the fun friend with the nice property and all the toys. He sponsors events. He's also that partner who lies his way through life, spends most of the relationship on kink dating sites in secret, getting away with all the lies possible
My Narc ex once woke me up having a tantrum that I didn’t know he was hungry or that he was hungry for a specific thing and how could I be sleeping when he wanted me to have made him that thing and presented it to him. He threw a soup can at me. He missed. I still have the can as a trophy that I survived that man.
These people are demented. No, really, that's just mental!
Dr Ramani you literally have no idea how much you are helping me right now to free myself from a very toxic abusive situation. I am actually a trainee therapist, and I have walked blindly into a terrible situation at a time when I was extremely vulnerable. I now have to seek therapy to undo all of the trauma bonding you so well explained. I need to do a lot of work to save myself. Thank you thank you thank you!
dude... i learned about reactive abuse and honestly before therapy i thought i was a narcissist because of all these videos.. i.don't purposely manipulate people and i actually have compassion & empathy.. I have cptsd.. codependent af, insecure abandonment trauma,, overtly sensitive to those i love.. i was all that.. ugggh... some of what Dr. Ramani described with "love bombing" & my intensity in the past has been a lot to deal with in some of my relationships with people... gifts are part of my love language & i used to people please because i wanted to be loved... i thought i had to & didn't want anything back other than a sense of security. My inability to manage my expectations & understand there was no threat of abandonment oftentimes until i created it by not having proper boundaries and basically radiating chaos. has been a hell of a realization...
Yes, i've been dealing with Narcissistic people who have reinforced my traumas even when i've explicitly told them they were doing so but my unhealed ass tolerated abuse repeatedly which unfortunately boiled over into my otherwise healthy relationships... i experienced a lot of what's in this video..coupled w/ already existing shit things were terribly toxic.. it sucked... it's sooo important to heal yourself and enter relationships as a healthy person not only to avoid perpetuating toxicity in general but to simply protect yourself & not ever be a victim again.
Healing has been a wild journey, it's really hard but every day feels better than it used to.
I read all of this.. thank you for sharing
Between you and Dr. Carter, I'm becoming a pro at keeping these narcs at bay. Thank you for your wisdom 🙌
I agree!!!
Who’s Dr. carter ?
@@lovejumanji5 Host of Surviving Narcissism, Dr. Les Carter.
…
My husband still tries to put me down by saying "you have no idea how much you sound like your mother". It's like he hasn't noticed how my feelings about my mother have changed to understanding, respect and empathy.
Yes!!!
I understand lot of what my mother was going through now too. I still don't condone most of her shit behavior...but i love her so much more now that I have experienced some of those struggles in life that she had.
If only she could have broken those ties earlier in her life and worked on self-healing.
I Hate the gaslighting. It comes out of Nowhere sometimes for no reason!
Guilt tripping and blame shifting use to enrage me. Such a " dick move". I knew it wasn't true but I'd spend 30 minutes convincing her other wise. Finally I'd give up and block her. It's hard to relax when someone you love provokes you for NO reason and believes her own crap.
“You can’t be a mindful and present asshole!” Love that comment!
Hahahaha....I had a girl tell me she was a " nice asshole ". I said, but youre still an asshole. LOL
I remember my ex picked 3 coats she liked but she didn't have a favourite, she asked me to choose my favourite and she'd keep my choice. So I chose, she got really upset cos I picked the wrong one. "So thats how you see me is it".
Impossible.
Same experience sort of. She would always ask my opinion or to choose for her, then always pick one of the options. At first I found it cute and quirky, and would even call it out jokingly. But it got frustrating eventually, like what’s the point of you asking me every time then?
@@valevallo its lose lose. You can't win or make them happy.
I have an anecdote regarding the cat-and-mouse manipulation. I was in a protracted divorce and order of protection litigation for our children with my psychopathic/narcissistic ex. Documentation was presented about his excessive rages, throwing furniture out on the lawn, breaking telephones so the children could not call me, screaming and threatening at all hours of the day and night. After all the testimony and psychological evaluations were in, the judge ordered him to go to anger management therapy. He smugly sat in the witness box and told the judge, "Oh, I don't need that. I just use the rage to keep her under control."
It was all an intentional cat and mouse strategy to exhaust me. He could turn it on or off whenever he wanted.
My Narcissist future X husband was a man of all traits and helped fix 3 of my Mom's homes. Building decks to wiring the home and hanging dry wall. My mom would awe and ohhh over him and take his side when I was upset. Now, though she see's what he is and told me it makes her ill to think of all the praise she Gave him.
It's the constant, unrelenting lies and future faking that gets me 😢 Do they not REALIZE that lying is so unfruitful, and evil ???
One of the weirdest things that have occurred to me, was when the toxic person asked if they could take a picture of my outfit because they have a hard time dressing themselves..... Ummmmm..... Awkward, especially since this person is in their late 40's. Not only did they want pictures of me in my outfit, but close-ups of the "details" like my jewelry, and funky socks.... It was sooooo weird. It left me feeling icky, like I was sexualized in a weird way.... It was uncomfortable. I told her a picture of my socks are enough, and they seemed upset because I wouldn't play their picture game..... In addition, this person started cutting their hair similar to mine... It felt so gross.... This person is now hanging out with my "best friend" of 25+ years.... And my old friend acts like the toxic person is wonderful and can do no wrong.... Me, I was placed on a shelf... My invisible disability and being immunocompromised, including my healthy boundaries makes them feel "uncomfortable". I had to go no contact with both.
Currently Healing.
Good for you to escape that mess.
"But we're all the same'
My mom is christian and constantly uses that as her defense… the thing that puts her above everyone when if she really studied what the bible teaches… she would be doing constant introspection but everything is still everyone else’s fault, never hers.
the mirroring too makes it feel like the authenticity to your loved hobbies/values etc., are now skewed. My CN ex did this a lot, I would bike suddenly he biked everywhere, and then tell people so much that my interest was not even a thing. His interest in it was more known by others and it looked as if I was the one following his footsteps.
We are better off alone and happy in today's world. I lied to my ex and all of the things I lied about he did exactly what I thought he would do. He used everything I said to him against me to make himself the one that didn't do anything wrong.
My narscissist husband loved everything about me and all the same things that I liked.... Until he had me... Then little bit at a time I found out that he didn't like the person I am or the things I like... He only likes the image of being seen with me( as long as I don't speak to anyone, call him out on his behavior and as long as I stare at the floor while we are out
Omg how did I ignore those red flags?! The exact examples you gave is what I experienced. Offering to come to church with me and then putting down the faith and the pastor and starting an argument with me for agreeing with the pastor’s perspective…, The toxic relationship with my mother coming back at me when he weaponizes it…. Etc. ugh. I’m just mad at myself that I let it go as far as it has.
Don't. We aren't like that so we get very confused.