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A hostage negotiator on how to resolve conflict | Karleen Savage | TEDxValparaisoUniversity
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- čas přidán 12. 06. 2023
- Staying curious is often the most difficult thing for people to do when they’re in a conflict. Instead, they get tied up in their own side of things. Karleen Savage is a certified hostage and crisis negotiator with years of experience in business and domestic mediation. She’s also an expert on conflict resolution, with a master’s degree in the subject.
Karleen has made it her life’s work to help others resolve their conflicts peacefully and amicably. She has come up with the Savage Theory of Resolution®, a five-skill model that can be used to resolve any conflict. Formerly an adjunct professor, Karleen has negotiated to open up mediation for counties impacting hundreds of thousands of people into the future. She also started a mediation internship program with a local university. She currently offers various online courses on conflict communications through her site: KarleenSavage.com.
A mom to seven children and married more than three decades, Karleen knows a little about resolving conflicts! With her vast experience and knowledge in the field, she is dedicated to helping others learn how to confidently resolve disagreements. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Overview/Takeaways:
5 SKILLS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT
- Curiosity (Unites the rest of the 5 skills)
- Their Attitude
- Master Listening
- Connection
- Reframing
Curiosity uses plain language with simple intent--"What do you want and how would you like to get there?"
If you want to elevate your relationship, get curious. It's for you and them.
INTERNAL QUESTIONS FOR YOU TO INVITE VIA CONFLICTS:
1. Did you allow them to have their own story independent of you own?
2. Were you willing to hear their story without the emotional or verbal backlash?
3. Did you allow their story to become a part of the solution?
EXTERNAL QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER FOR THEM:
Ask questions before people feel hopeless; No prompt from you (No responsive words, actions, and/or sounds).
Let them have their story. Hear it without backlash. Take a breath. Then ask questions without prompted responses. (e.g. What would it take to make things right?)
🤩 All I can is Wow!! I love that you invested in sharing this! Amazing! Thanks for being part of this @msbethiebeth
@@KarleenSavageOfficial great TedTalk!!🙌🏾
This is what a TEDx Talk is supposed to be like. No propaganda, no indoctrination attempt. Just clear and useful ideas that provide a possible solution to real life challenges. This is a true idea worth sharing. Thanks very much.
Such a kind statement.
Propaganda and ideology exist in any and all education. Just saying.
So backhanded XD
What a useless, back-handed comment.
The fact that she's used these techniques in her personal journey adds a level of authenticity that I really appreciate.
It's been a truly unusual journey, and I think you can feel that.
Curiosity is not only a great bridge to empathy but the cure for boredom. It is impossible to be bored when you are curious. And there are infinite things to be curious about.
Love this. Thank you for watching.
She seems like such a genuine woman. I wish her and her family well.
Ahhh, you are kind. And, I'll take those well-wishes for my family; thank you.
I never realized how conflict resolution skills can be applied to everyday relationships. It's true, the highest stakes are often in our daily interactions. Curiosity seems like a powerful tool to navigate those situations.
You get me! The highest stakes that most of us will deal with is within our family, extended family, good friendships, interactions on behalf of those people and ourself. So glad you came by.
You absolutely crushed this talk, Karleen. I love everything about it. ❤
Oh my gosh, this is a very special moment for us!!
@@KarleenSavageOfficialHow awesome Karleen! God is so good. Last time you hosted a live on My Homeschool Village, you had mentioned you were fighting to get them to release your talk. God is so good! You helped me so much during a dark time in my life when my best friend died. Thank you so much Karleen.
@@TheRandomnessalways Oh my gosh TheRandomnessalways, you warm my heart!!! You are strong and capable! Hugs,
Such a pleasure to listen to - genuine empathy and a great story without any agenda, politics posturing or arrogance. Thank you! TED please pay attention
😮 This is such a kind, kind comment! Thank you so much!
Her transformation from chaos to clarity is inspiring. It makes me believe that change is possible, even in the toughest situations.
Ahhhh, sooo possible. So possible.
yes it is @@KarleenSavageOfficial
Simplifying conflict resolution into five skills is brilliant. It's about time we focus on tangible tools instead of vague theories.
This really opened my eyes to the importance of resolving everyday conflicts instead of letting them just simmer on the backburner..
This came at a time I needed to hear it the most.
Not to give up. And I won’t!
You are so strong to claim this! Do it!
Pierced my heart when she said..."what do you want and how would you like to get there" Boom.
Such respect for that feeling. I hear it, feel it and have been submerged in it. Thank you.
This is such good advice. So many people see arguments as something to be "won" regardless of the impact it has on the relationship.
I never thought about how curiosity plays a role in conflict resolution. It makes so much sense to be open-minded and genuinely interested in understanding the other person's perspective
So good to read this. I think that's our real world problem - we don't practice curiosity in conflict - but you found it. Makes me happy.
Wow, as a fellow conflict resolver, this talk feels like a nod of recognition. It's like peeking behind the curtain of everyday battles and realizing the power of curiosity in bringing resolution. Time to sharpen those questions!
Ooooo, a fellow!? This is so good! I'm glad to know you join the circle!
The three questions Karleen shared are a great way to assess our own level of curiosity in conflict. Allowing others to have their own story, listening without backlash, and incorporating their story into the solution can lead to powerful outcomes
There are many kinds of curiosity, and I have made these mistakes too many times. Thanks for listening and I hope you find others to share it with.
Well said, this is what many people need to learn to deal with conflicts, including myself.
I'm glad it meant something to you CityHunger999. It's been Huge for me.
Curiosity is a powerful tool in conflict resolution. It allows us to break down barriers and truly listen to the other person's perspective. When we approach conflicts with genuine curiosity, we open the door to resolution and growth
Karleen's resilience is amazing and an example of what we can do when faced with adversity.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very kind.
I wish I can just hug her! She a great woman.💪❤️
Oh my gooooosh; how incredibly kind and generous. I'll take that cyber-hug! Thank you!
Definitely agree about curiosity and communication making all the difference
Karleen's story of overcoming challenges in her own marriage through curiosity is so inspiring!
Thank you so much. Definitely not easy, but it's pretty powerful to lift us both when we're in a conflict.
Using Karleen's five step resolution process is a win win for everyone which is the outcome you want.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think the win/win takes shape in the process and it can end up being something different than we think. Appreciate your comment.
This story resonates, I know all too well about how conflicts often hide beneath the surface of our daily lives
Ooo, yes, it hides, cheats us out of our best relationships too. I can feel this. Thank you for sharing.
This is really helpful but only if you care about saving the relationship with the other person, sometimes they royaly mess you up where it’s not worth it to resolve
You said it, Chloe, "...only if you care about saving the relationship..."! I needed to save myself, but I didn't know it at the time. I think I needed, I know I needed the curiosity more than anyone else. So glad for your comment.
This subject needs to be taught in schools in
I want to help wherever I can, but more important, thank you for being one of the first to listen.
I appreciate how Karleen highlights the importance of curiosity in conflict resolution. It's about genuinely wanting to know and understand the other person's story and that mindset shift can lead to more productive and harmonious relationships.
It CAN lead to more productive and harmonious relationships!! Yay to us to use it, right!?
This is one heck of an example about transferable skills
Loving the idea of personal growth through conflict resolution. It makes a lot of sense that it would help you figure some stuff out about yourself
Oh, wow, that is so true!
I love her message that conflict resolution is not just about high-stakes situations but also about everyday relationships. Curiosity is the key to building stronger connections and finding resolutions that benefit everyone involved
These comments are just so kind. The work is real, but these comments are just so kind. Thank you.
Incredible talk, Karleen! Thanks for sharing your message and personal journey. Your delivery was powerful.
Oh wow, thank you Jillian. Thank you.
Her story brought me teary eye. To be that compassionate not to make the conflict about what you want. Takes a level of empathy and understanding that I am working on. Thanks for this message
❤a
❤
Aren't you so kind; thank you. Keep working on it Kay!
The questions posed by the speaker are worth their weight in Gold! Fantastic speaker.
Sweeeet!! Thank you!
Amazingly and heartfelt explained. Thank you
My heart is totally in the work. It's made epic shifts for me. Thank you so much!
Conflict is intense, all this shows the emotional toll it can take. Will try to remember the curiosity thing because I'm always willing to try a new approach.
You're willing to try!! Good for you!!
Karleen's talk touched my heart. It's a reminder that relationships can face immense challenges. Her advice on being intentional and curious is something we all should consider.
Such a great talk Karleen, it makes a lot of sense why all of these things would work. Hoping I remember them in the heat of the moment!
Just remember to ask questions in the heat of the moment. Be willing to fumble and you'll do great. Thanks for sharing your comment.
I wish I had heard this information when I was ten it would have changed my life, thanks Karleen.
Oh WOW! Thank you, and like you, I wish I knew this when I was 10 too! We can change how we view our past using this as well. It's helped me a whole lot!
The struggles of marriage and family dynamics hit close to home. Your approach seems practical, and I appreciate the realness.
Thank you, thank you so much.
I particularly enjoyed the focus on everyday conflicts in this talk... The idea of using curiosity as a resolution tool is intriguing, and the three curiosity questions are like a litmus test for conflict-solving abilities.
Great, great comment. Appreciate your vision and comment.
Wow, I am so very impressed with my good friend, Karlene. Great topic and conversation, thank you for that! Sonya
Hi Sonya! Thank you for taking the moment to visit! It means a lot!
I love the idea of being intentional about learning where the other person is coming from in a conflict. It's a shift from focusing solely on our own position. Curiosity opens the door to understanding and resolution!
Hi there Lynnecousins! Thanks for stopping by and commenting; it means something to me; thank you. This was a huge shift for me too. I remember when I realized how embedded people were in their points of view, including myself, ugh, it hit me like a truckload of bricks being dumbed out on my head! Horrible and epic at the same time.
Her emphasis on personal growth through conflict resolution makes me think about how I've handled disagreements in my own life...
That was the real change for me. It was how I looked at my own life, my own behaviors, and decisions. It's the whole 20/20 vision.
When you feel exhaustion setting in, it is time to withdraw and restore yourself. If you feel demoralized, it is best to pause and recenter instead of acting from a place of depletion.
If you can find time to unplug, do it. Reconnect with yourself in a big way if you can. And if you can’t, you can still recenter through tiny steps.
Reclaim your first mountain here in Fabulous by committing to hydration, rest, nutrition, and movement, even in the tiniest amounts. Keep at it, and a natural rebalancing will begin.
As I write and think of you Laika, it's 11pm and I'm thinking "rest" in the back of my mind. But your comment, so good. Thank you for listening to my talk.
@@KarleenSavageOfficial welcome
Karleen's personal experience with conflict and her commitment to learning and applying conflict resolution skills is inspiring. It shows that with curiosity and a willingness to understand, we can transform even the most challenging situations.
I can feel this comment because I lived this comment, and by you writing this, it's like you know I did. Thank you.
Well worth listening to, no matter how great you think your communicating skills are. I am glad I listened.
Wow, your comment means a lot Janet; thank you for listening.
This is transformational... thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you
'Them and you'-a simple yet profound approach to understanding the other side. The call for curiosity-based resolutions is something the world needs more of! Good on you Karleen for spreading a message like this.
Wow, a simple and profound message. I hear you, and thank you.
Karleen's talk made me reflect on my own journey. I normally try to avoid conflict but I think reframing it as curiosity could improve my relationships significantly. Thank you Karleen!
Love this! Thank you!
Another powerful talk filled with useful information that just makes sense.
Love that comment, "...that just makes sense." Love it.
Wow the whole curiosity thin is pretty interesting! I can see how it would benefit all conflicts, from everyday bickering to the more serious stuff.
Thanks, and that is why I gave this talk. I gave it because it's how the professionals use curiosity in their field so why not in our everyday lives?
This talk is like a crash course in saving relationships from the edge. The five skills presented are like a 'relationship toolkit' that anyone should have. It's time to swap 'die-hard' mentalities for curiosity-led resolutions!
The beauty is everyone has this ability!! It's incredible what happens when it's used.
i like the asking questions stuff, that makes sense.
Powerful questions can come through the tone of asking too. You get it!
I couldn't help but chuckle at the Die Hard reference, but this talk drives home an essential point: conflicts lurk in our daily lives. The five skills introduced sound like the ingredients for a real-life superhero. Can't wait to try out curiosity in my next 'high-stakes' conversation!
Gosh, yes, conflicts Do lurk in our daily lives. On another thought, makes me wonder what that superhero would look like. So fun to think about. Thanks for spending time here.
I'm not entirely convinced about the universal applicability of curiosity, but I'm willing to give it a shot and see how it plays out.
As someone who often navigates interpersonal challenges, this talk is a goldmine. The three questions for curiosity assessment are like a reality check for my conflict resolution skills. Time to rev up the curiosity engine and make some positive changes!
It's been a Huge reality check for me too. Thanks so much for listening.
I really enjoyed the points she made around the 6 minute mark, about if you let the other person have a story/allow their story to become part of the solution.
It's so hard to let someone's story become part of the solution - when they're clearly wrong, right? Sometimes, we miss that little nugget. Thanks for the reminder.
I'm intrigued by the way this talk brings 'everyday' high-stakes conflicts into focus. Curiosity emerges as the hero in a world full of relationship villains, fancy that!
Bringing the topic into focus was exactly my goal when I stressed to much about sharing it. Thank you for seeing the message.
As someone who's always wondered about the dynamics behind conflicts, this talk is a treasure trove of insights. The idea of using curiosity as a solution is piquing my interest-time to explore this new avenue!
This was pretty eye-opening as I've never thought about conflict resolution in this way. The personal stories add so much depth to the advice as well.
You know, @iamdadubdab, it's taken me decades to be willing to tell this story. Thanks for noticing.
Your story touched my heart. It's amazing how empathy can transform a relationship.
It certainly makes a difference when you come to the table amicably with a positive intention. All to often that's not the case.
Isn't that a wonderful and hopeful idea! I love it! I wish that would be my story as well, but until then, this helped me understand much more than what was on the surface. Thank you for sharing your comment.
Yeah absolutely, curiosity is important for so many facets of a relationship, makes sense conflict would be one of them
... I forgot... what it feels like for someone to say to me "what do you want?", even if worded differently, I can't remember the last time someone even bothered to ask me that. Let alone how I want to get it.
...just hearing her say it made me fall to pieces.....
I've had countless fights with my own family for all kinds of reasons, it eventually got to the point that each time I tried to put in the effort to get closer to them they were determined to push me further away, it didn't matter how much I swallowed my own voice so I could try to understand them because they just didn't seem to care about anything more than using and abusing me. I was ready to disown my family 7 years ago, and each month that has gone by since then has only made that feeling even stronger. I've never had someone tell me that I'm a bad person, but it really makes me wonder sometimes where the monster is coming from, if not from me, and not from my family, then where?
So, while I absolutely support this video and everything she said, I also must say that it greatly moved me, but I believe that a resolution of conflict must require at least some amount of effort on both sides.
When one person just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing while also admitting they have no clear reason to stand behind what they are pushing, you can certainly ask questions, listen to them, and try to understand them but they will never be satisfied, even if they get what they asked for. As much as I believe in harmony, cooperation, and understanding; that does not mean the other person does or is even willing to listen or that their idea of resolution is safe or fair. And I say that even if they get what they wanted they may still not be satisfied, because what they say they want is not always what they really want or choose to act towards. What they want may actually be exactly the opposite of what they ask for. But I can't speak for everyone, just from my own experience, I suppose not everyone is as bad as the people I have come to know. In fact, more often than not, instead of facing the need for a resolution for anything, I have known people who actually choose to run away more than they ever try to push back. The second I start speaking plainly, frankly, and such they try to change the subject, run off, or starting getting emotional about it before we can even discuss anything. All I do is ask about something or bring up something and everything just seems to go haywire. I don't know if I appear cold or if it's something else, but it certainly makes it difficult to resolve anything if the other person never wants to stick around and even mention the subject. Whether their scared of me or I'm doing something wrong, I can't figure it out when the only people I have conflicts with are either drama queens or the queen of heart's. 🤷♂️
.....I love win-win stuff, i get the greatest joy out of solving problems and taking on the challenges that come with them and I'll even go extremely out of my way to turn it into a win-win-win-win-win situation, but not everyone wants that apparently 🤨🤔🤷♂️
When a person wants a resolution, they don't actually want a literal "resolution", they just want to get exactly what they want, when they want to get it, exactly as they want to get it and any resistance at all to that is unforgiveable even after they get what they want. Then, even if they do get what they want, it probably won't be the end of it, they'll keep asking for more, and each time you give into that you are consenting to their control over you. That's abuse and manipulation. Which is why I say that true conflict resolution requires BOTH parties to be willing to achieve a true resolution, not a dictatorship.
I agree, she was on surface with emapths if you get conflict , since empaths would care about ea feelings, try that with narc, Lord yiu can work on it to resolve for 20 y minimum
Isn't it interesting how we can hear something and it feels almost like a spike driving a message through!? You deserve to be asked, even if it begins with you doing the asking, Rin. Do you know what you want?
Hi, You've added more detail, and it seems as problems get bigger the original target of conflict becomes invisible. I have so many thoughts, but if I could encourage anything, go to someone and just ask questions. No facial expressions, no comments, just ask. Try it on someone that generates less tension just to see how you feel asking questions, coming up with them and how the other person responds. My heart is in it with you.
I promise to be a genuine listener and be genuinely curious about my future husband's situation and perspective whenever a conflict happens. I am a solution-orientated person and I was always interested in this topic- how conflicts between people or entities (spouses, siblings, parents, two corporations, two nations fighting, etc.) are resolved. Thanks for sharing your own story, and your genuine love for your husband that you developed over time by being genuinely curious about his perspective of things. I am sure he must have reciprocated the same because good communication goes both ways.
Thanks for giving us this golden gift of good communication and granular steps of solving a conflict. This lesson has been etched permanently in my heart now. I pray to God that I meet my loving husband soon, I promise to cherish him for my life.
Sending you my utmost regards from Seattle, Washington 🇺🇲 and Jaipur, India.🇮🇳
Oh wow, thank you. Your heartfelt post... wow.
I thought my conflict resolution skills were only needed for deciding where to eat with friends. Turns out, curiosity is the new action hero in my quest for drama-free dinners and movie nights!
The 2nd "action hero" mention. I'm thinking a kids anime? Anyway, here's to hoping your next dinner is drama-free 🙂
Take home message for me " What would it take to make things right? Short, sweet and powerful.
Powerful advice ❤
Thank you for listening Angela; thank you.
Love me some Bruce Willis!!❤️❤️ LEGENDARY!!!
😅😅😅 to your Bruce comment!! Such a good actor!
Incredible! So accurate!
WOW! Thank you!!
Karleen's emphasis on curiosity in conflict resolution is a game-changer. Instead of digging into our own positions, we should strive to understand the other person's perspective. It's a powerful way to foster connection and resolve conflicts.
Very inspiring!! Thank you so much for sharing!!❤
You are so welcome Kristina. Thank you for listening.
@@KarleenSavageOfficial 💜💚 my pleasure 🤗
She raises some really interesting points, wish she had elaborated on some of them a bit more though!
True, but you could always come take a course with me 🙂. So hard to tell everything in 11 minutes.
I really appreciate having conflict resolution broken down into practical skills like this! I hope I don't need them too often haha but I'm excited to try out the three questions in my next argument.
I appreciated this talk because it made me curious about the conflict I have with my mother and how I can use that [curiosity] to find a solution.
I like , if you want to elevate your relationship get curious about what others see and feel!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here too. It means something.
Im excited to try being more curious in this way, thank you.
Oh my gosh, yes, be more curious in this way.... feel free to come back and share your amazing win (do it for 15-minutes). Wishing you success.
This is great, I feel genuinely motivated to be more curious in my relationships.
This talk is awesome - so many great practical tips for navigating conflict, thanks Karleen.
Our everyday relationships can all benefit from resolving the differences that keep us at odds with each other.
Thank you!You are talking so stirring and story that are every day about us!❤Congratulation😍🌏
I feel this; thank you for being here and watching!
Great topic and super interesting, valuable listen.
LOVE that you highlight the necessity of learning these skills for the every day ordinary with high stakes of their own.
Also, sending compassion for the pain you've navigated.
"Will you allow their story to become part of the solution." - absolutely powerful.
Thank you for listening, and opening your heart for the messages you can share too.
Sharing this, I have family who needs to watch it
Thank you.
You are so welcome; I'm glad you were here too.
Wow!! Thank you!
Thank you to you too!!
I found this so interesting! Not sure I could keep my tone neutral and sounding genuinely curious when my emotions are running high though...
Such insightful information. Much appreciated! 🙂
I appreciate you seeing/hearing something in it. I appreciate you watching!
Haha, your joke about "Die Hard" scenarios made me chuckle! But seriously, I'm keen to see how I can apply these skills to everyday disagreements.
For me, I had to get out of my own way to make it work in my own disagreements. I had to do that before the skills would work. Thanks for noticing the joke too!
Her heart is all upfront an real people like her created earth angle
Jose, you are generous. Thank you for watching my talk.
So many awesome points to think about in this one!
Beautiful and intelligent, bless her 🥰
In my mind asking so many questions makes you come across as being unsure of your own beliefs. I guess it's helpful for seeing the other persons perspective though.
Appearing unsure could be true if you are asking questions questions about your beliefs, but not as true if you're asking questions to learn about someone else.
This was actually very good to hear... well done.
Very useful and insightful - thank you
Absolutely, glad to have shared with you! Thank you for listening Travis!
I don't know how applicable these methods would be to those big issues though. You know the ones that are just like years of issues all combined to make one big clusterfluff
Yay Karleen! This is awesome. We miss your live videos on MyHomeschoolVillage!
Aren't you sweet! Thank you; I hope you were able to watch :-)
This is such an interesting talk and I'm curious to see how these skills can transform everyday disagreements into opportunities for growth and understanding.
All I can say to answer your thoughts is, try it. Pretty profound.
Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself though. You can't trust that the other person is going to approach things with the same level of respect and empathy. How do you balance curiosity with standing up for yourself?
I agree with the trust comment. It's really about re-educating ourselves and starting over. Our experiences have pushed us into protection mode and many other behaviors. But, absolutely, there is a place for standing up. It's learning how to stand up for yourself in a rediscovered way.
Super amazing ❤️✨️
🥰
@@KarleenSavageOfficial Thanks
@@PentHub11 It's something special when someone takes time to lift another. Thank you again.