Remember to subscribe, if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n and here are videos related to this one: ▶ How To Be Less Affected By What Other People Think Of You czcams.com/video/F8crcLhibc8/video.html ▶ What It Feels Like To Have A Strong Sense Of Self-Worth I Improving Confidence & Low Self-Esteem czcams.com/video/b0DX5CgkCOU/video.html ▶ 5 Steps To Processing Emotional Injury In Relationships czcams.com/video/gk9oLVaVFTc/video.html
"We should take into consideration the fact that the source of our discomfort is often not the acts or words of other people, but rather our own views and self-conceptions." Wisdom and Reflection by Arshak Andriasov.
We need more therapists to spread messages that are from a source of compassion about compassion like this one. Simply listening to this improved my emotional state. What a beautiful lesson
The shame spiral I have is less like “why would they say something like that?” but more like “why **am** I like this?” and I find it so hard to change, so so hard. And I wish I could be someone else. I feel like my life isn’t salvageable, even if I do everything right for the rest of my life, I already lost my chance at happiness and I have no one in my team to help me. Nobody really likes me anymore, unless I hide big parts of me. I wanted to add, thanks for your channel, you have a very soothing voice and I’m glad there are people like you trying to help people like me.
Thanks for sharing how it is for you. That sounds painful 💔 It makes sense your shame is manifesting like that. When we have shame, it usually governs our life in one (or more) of three ways: 1) we accept what it says as true and feel the pain that goes along with that, 2) we avoid any life area that might trigger our shame and limit our life, 3) we counterattack and are obsessed with proving to ourselves and others that we are worthy. All three can only be overcome by developing an awareness around our shame (what is it about, when is it activated, where does it come from originally…) and by learning to recognize that it’s not based on facts, but on a fabrication/illusion. All the best to you 💖 I’m glad you find my channel helpful 🙏🏻
@@DrMaikaSteinborn thank you so much for your reply, I didn’t know you would reply so quickly and I’m grateful for that. I feel like I’m very aware of the things I’m ashamed of but they don’t seem to be based on lies but seem to be true. Hopefully I can figure it out. Thanks Doc, have a nice weekend
Yes, that makes sense. This is one of the reasons it's often so helpful to talk to someone that can help sort it all out. You might also want to google "shame vs guilt".
Thank you, I'm glad you got something from this. I find it eye-opening when we realize the reason getting offended is painful is because it triggers our own inner shame spiral.
Thank you for a profoundly interesting; educational and helpful video. You covered all aspects of something I was subconsciously not even aware of. The root of me getting easily offended is shame. Thank you for providing a step by step self-help program, with clarity, compassion and in a non-jusgemental way. I was using the wrong approach, exhaustibg myself. Your gentle tone is also very non-intimidating. With this video, you have allowed me to understand your profession better, to help others. Thank you! 🙏🏻
Thank you so much! I recognize these traits in several of my family members. Being frequently offended appears like a pastime living in chronic victimization mode! Maintaining a simple conversation is beyond maddening! Basic reciprocal interactions devolve into communication with an oppositional child that needs a nap. They have very rigid ideas in their head, and are greatly attached to outcomes no-one else is aware of! The likelihood of sustaining purposeful conversation is low, so unfortunately I choose to greatly reduce contact!
Yes, for sure! So, in essence, our sense of self-worth is about how we relate to and feel about ourselves in connection to: - our worthiness of the good things in life - our loveablity and the likelihood we will be loved - our enoughness in the sense of "Do I have what it takes, basically, to make life work somehow?” - our value independent of our achievements If we don't have the sense that: I am fundamentally worthy, loveable, enough and valuable, it means the skill of relating to ourselves in that way is underdeveloped. So - yes - a healthy sense of self worth is a skill we can all learn to develop. And in this quality it shares a lot of similar features to other skills we can acquire: 1) we need to learn about our goal (what is this about) and how it works theoretically (what is it like to have a healthy sense of self worth, where does it come from, how is it maintained...) 2) we need to practice it Those are the two main principles it takes to build your sense of self worth. And if you're wondering where to start: start small and keep going. Building self worth takes time, it doesn't happen over night. We need to come back to 1) understand / increase awareness and 2) practice and practice. So, I recommend to stay close to the topic 1) in the form of seeking out input about it repeatedly and then 2) applying and practicing it. I realize this answer is quite abstract. Maybe you were hoping for something more practical and quick. Our sense of self worth is so deep and has such far reaching consequences, I feel it does the topic a disservice to grind it down to a simple answer like: “Start saying “I love myself.“ in the mirror every morning.” BUT - leaving that thought aside - the most practical answer (in my view) would be: work on your self-talk and inner dialogue. Become more aware of it, observe it without judgement, like a curious child. Then, replace the unhelpful parts of that inner dialogue with more helpful parts. Our inner dialogue (and our actions) are the arena in which the change in connection to our self worth takes place. The way we interpret what happens in our life is a major influence on (and expression of) our sense of self worth. Look for instances in which you feel like things are going wrong because you're not enough or unloveable and question that view of reality. Is it really that? What other factors are at play? Don't accept your brain's/mind's suggestion for explaining reality with the conclusion "It's because you're not enough.” Know that this suggestion not only doesn't make sense, it's not helpful. It's a dysfunctional projection of an old thought pattern the brain tries to get away with to avoid investing more energy into the matter... What helps is to explain reality along the lines of, “This is a challenge I can figure out. I have what it takes. I can make room for the unpleasant, unavoidable aspects of this experience. I'll take small steps and give it time. I am lovable. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am enough. I don't need to be someone else. I can be me and make life work.” If you'd like to keep learning, here's my favorite self worth video on this channel: What It Feels Like To Have A Strong Sense Of Self-Worth I Improving Confidence & Low Self-Esteem czcams.com/video/b0DX5CgkCOU/video.html
thank you so much for this informative video. it really helped me out a lot & i will re-watch it whenever im going through something where i need to hear this. i just recently had a trigger when hanging out w one of my friends & i felt rly bad abt it after & couldn’t figure out what exactly triggered me or if i just took it left field or if there is some validity in my trigger. but this video really helped me understand myself & the situation better & will help me in the future for when situations like that occur ❤
Thank you. You explained the mechanism of the shame spiral so well and also the way out of it. That was very helpful for me and I feel a lot more selfcompassion for myself now. Growing up in a family with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother I developed a strong shame spiral with which I have to deal quite a lot. But developing more and more selfcompassion and practicising mindfulness also helps to get out of the circle.
Your a clever little bunny Maika. You get to the core of the behaviours that keep you stuck and a way out. More ways on strategies to get out would be much appreciated. Thankyou ❤
This really explains why: I get hated on by women, who over use social media, who get offended when I say Nay to their licentious advances or when they are offended I asked them simple things, while they try to get me cancelled for not talking to trans women. And I'm just there. I've worked on my shadow. Meanwhile, I speak to them and they act like I tried assaulting them.
I’m working with kids at the moment and I find it so hard sometimes when they say something really mean. I don’t take my offense out on them, but I do try and get them to understand that what they say can hurt peoples feelings. And then when I go home I just feel really depressed about the things they say to me and I spiral out of control because I feel like a loser for getting so offended by kids and not being able to compar mentalize that they are kids being kids. I’m so sensitive and it effects my sleep and then today I threw up in the morning. I know a lot of people are dealing with much more severe situations, but I can’t physically remove myself from the situation because it’s my job. I know I’m going to have to deal with this kid again or a kid with similar habits which causes me a lot of anxiety and then I spiral out of control in a kind of anxiety attack. But I also feel shame about how I’m getting so offended by kids.
I‘m sorry you’re in such a difficult place. Kids can be very hurtful with what they say - for whatever reason… they may not fully understand what they’re saying or repeat behavior they witness at home, perhaps even towards themselves. It sounds like it could really help you to talk to a mental health professional for a few sessions to untangle this. The way you describe it sounds like you’re really burdened and suffering. It is possible to change the way these situations affect you, so it gets easier to go through. ❤️ You can also then learn that it’s nothing you need to shame yourself for - pain is pain, no pain is less appropriate. I wish you all the best ☀️🌷
@@DrMaikaSteinborn thank you so much for taking the time to comment such a thoughtful response. I was really hurting when I wrote this, but it’s gotten better and I have talked to a bunch of people about it for help. I really do think maybe I need to speak to a therapist, I can recognize the unhelpful thought patterns but it is hard to manage them sometimes. Your comment made me feel really happy and hopeful because of your dedication to helping people. I hope you have a great day too.
I'm glad your situation has already improved, that's wonderful. Yes, sometimes it's hard to see through and untangle the web of one's own thought patterns by oneself. It's great you were able to already get support and help. All the best!
I liked your video! I have a client that brings me a lot of money, but he’s just a miserable jerk. He often says things that are condescending or passive aggressive. I don’t really think it has to do with my shame though. I think it’s important to remember not to take things personally. That was something that took me a very, very long time to get a hold of. Most of what people say has to do with them and not you. I remind myself of that and try not to take things personally. But if someone is constantly triggering you then you just need to let that shit go. They don’t deserve a place in your life.I’ll be poor before I let a client abuse me
I took offense to the fact that it was implied that I have an overgrown inner ear. I'm sorry my ears are big 🙄 Anyway, this was great advice. I'll focus on my self worth and build myself up. Maybe someone letting go of a door when I'm walking behind them didn't't see me. I'm strong enough to open a door for myself. Perhaps other people weren't shown correct manners growing up. I shouldn't make it my problem.
Yes, that's a good point, we can hurt someone by unintentionally feeding their shame spiral. It’s very kind of you to care about that. Here are some thoughts on this from different angles. I had so many thoughts about this, some are about preventing, others about what helps when it happened… Please see which of these thoughts are relevant for you: 1) Another person’s interpretation of something we say always falls into the context of our whole relationship. If they are quick to interpret something we say as meaning that we think they are not good enough, that could be because in the past we have judged, devalued and doubted them a lot. So, if we want to make sure they are less easily triggered into shame when interacting with us, that means we need to rebuild a strong, positive connection, and create lots and lots of positive interactions and experiences together, and express appreciation, love and support over and above anything else. When this person’s general feeling towards us and the relationship has improved, they will also not be so quick to jump into their shame spiral by what we say and do unintentionally. It has become easier for them to trust that you are coming from a supportive and appreciative place. 2) Another thing that helps prevent another person falling into shame is to give people feedback about very concrete, observable aspects of their behavior or speech, instead of giving feedback focussed on their person. So instead of saying, "You are lazy.", it is more helpful to say, "I've noticed that you didn't clear out the dishwasher today." Shame is about not being good enough as a whole person, so it is easily activated when we judge someone's whole character. We sometimes think that the extra emphasis of “You are xyz…” helps people change, but if they feel shame, it makes changing even harder. In any case, whenever we say something, we can ask ourselves: could this in any way be understood as me thinking this person isn’t 1) good enough (fundamentally), 2) welcome or 3) valuable. 3) Also, it helps to be very intentional and reserved with critical feedback in general, especially if the other person didn't ask for it. In the end, our perspective is just one perspective out of many possible perspectives and it often doesn't help others as much as we think, if we unsolicitedly offer them our (critical) judgements of or comments to a situation. 4) In a way, we cannot avoid misunderstandings, that’s bound to happen when we communicate. But, what we can always do is clear them out afterwards, and if necessary apologize. (Of course, it always takes a bit of courage to have these kinds of conversations, but they are worth it!) 5) It also helps to get to know people and their vulnerabilities. If we keep talking to each other about the deep things that move us, the things that happen under the surface, after a while we will know each other’s tender spots and be able to be softer around them. Also, then you can be extra appreciating and clear about how you mean things in relation to the soft spots. So, if you know that someone often feels like they are not welcome, you can be extra clear about welcoming them and signaling that you are glad to see them. 6) If someone has a big shame spiral, it is easily triggered, it doesn’t take much. This is good to keep in mind, otherwise we will be surprised about their strong reaction which seems disproportionate to the situation. It helps to know that it is about a lot more than that one situation. This person’s past is being projected into the present. It can help to verbalize what you are noticing, maybe that will help the person see what is going on: “I notice that you are upset, I wonder what you are thinking right now?” This might be followed by a deeper level of conversation that sorts out the contributions of each person’s minds to what is happening. 7) When someone’s shame spiral has been activated, it means this person feels like they are not good enough, like something is fundamentally wrong with them, and that they are unloveable and don’t have what it takes to make life work. Anything you can say or do that allows them to see that, although they are struggling, that doesn’t mean they are fundamentally broken, helps them: “It is a natural part of life to go through something like this. That you are going through this, isn’t because you’re not good enough, everyone goes through these experiences. I believe in you.” Often, it’s enough to listen to what happened or what they’re afraid of, and respond in a way that lets them know you think they are nevertheless lovable and good enough for life. The acceptance, love, confidence and trust in relationships is a powerful antidote to shame because it directly disproves it (“I am here and I love you. (So you are not unloveable.)”)
I don’t get what people are praising about this video. The title is how to STOP, but while this video is great at explaining what is happening and why, it doesn’t say how to stop it. It’s like saying, this is what is happening so don’t do that or it’ll get worse. Gee thanks, I know that, I understand that, but what people don’t know is HOW to STOP. This video needs to change the title to, “What it feels like and what happens when you are easily hurt and offended.”
I'm sorry you were dissatisfied with this viewing experience. If you're interested, I elaborate more on stepping out of the shame spiral in the videos in this playlist: czcams.com/play/PLzRKYOPcN3c-6G8eP-v62qq009e1SGnve.html also this video: This One Is For Anyone Feeling Behind In Life / Ashamed Of Where They Are In Life czcams.com/video/D1JRAUFkeUY/video.html
You are wrong by saying that by being offended this makes people feel ashamed. It is much more feeling a little helpless and anxious that this happened to oneself. On a rational basis it's easy to process such a situation with offensive trash. These kind of people lack self-reflection, they are self-centered, always blame others, are extremely sensitive when it comes to their feelings, but have no empathy for others. These are often primitive, poorly educated people living a life of frustration, filled with contempt and hate. What they say has nothing to do with the person who they offend! Their behaviour only gives us an insight of their negative world. They are meaningless and should consequently be avoided and ignored.
Yes, I think there’s definitely a similarity… I don’t know if this is just me, but I feel the term “victim mentality” can sometimes sound a bit judgy (not saying you are using it like this - it can also be a neutral expression!), that’s why I haven’t really used it so far… but I think I understand what you mean and agree!
Remember to subscribe, if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n and here are videos related to this one:
▶ How To Be Less Affected By What Other People Think Of You
czcams.com/video/F8crcLhibc8/video.html
▶ What It Feels Like To Have A Strong Sense Of Self-Worth I Improving Confidence & Low Self-Esteem
czcams.com/video/b0DX5CgkCOU/video.html
▶ 5 Steps To Processing Emotional Injury In Relationships
czcams.com/video/gk9oLVaVFTc/video.html
Thank you, doctor. I found your video about the Shame Spiral to be very freeing for me. 🐞🌱🌻
That's great!
Finally a video where this subject is taken seriously and with empathy
"We should take into consideration the fact that the source of our discomfort is often not the acts or words of other people, but rather our own views and self-conceptions." Wisdom and Reflection by Arshak Andriasov.
We need more therapists to spread messages that are from a source of compassion about compassion like this one. Simply listening to this improved my emotional state. What a beautiful lesson
Thank you 💞 I'm glad this was helpful!
The shame spiral I have is less like “why would they say something like that?” but more like “why **am** I like this?” and I find it so hard to change, so so hard. And I wish I could be someone else. I feel like my life isn’t salvageable, even if I do everything right for the rest of my life, I already lost my chance at happiness and I have no one in my team to help me. Nobody really likes me anymore, unless I hide big parts of me.
I wanted to add, thanks for your channel, you have a very soothing voice and I’m glad there are people like you trying to help people like me.
Thanks for sharing how it is for you. That sounds painful 💔 It makes sense your shame is manifesting like that. When we have shame, it usually governs our life in one (or more) of three ways: 1) we accept what it says as true and feel the pain that goes along with that, 2) we avoid any life area that might trigger our shame and limit our life, 3) we counterattack and are obsessed with proving to ourselves and others that we are worthy. All three can only be overcome by developing an awareness around our shame (what is it about, when is it activated, where does it come from originally…) and by learning to recognize that it’s not based on facts, but on a fabrication/illusion. All the best to you 💖 I’m glad you find my channel helpful 🙏🏻
@@DrMaikaSteinborn thank you so much for your reply, I didn’t know you would reply so quickly and I’m grateful for that. I feel like I’m very aware of the things I’m ashamed of but they don’t seem to be based on lies but seem to be true. Hopefully I can figure it out. Thanks Doc, have a nice weekend
Yes, that makes sense. This is one of the reasons it's often so helpful to talk to someone that can help sort it all out. You might also want to google "shame vs guilt".
This is the best video on you tube that i have seen on being offended and carrying shame. Thank you so much !
Wow AMAZING and very straight Forward, i knew that I felt offened by one specific topic because i was ashamed... I really try to Work on it
Thank you, I'm glad you got something from this. I find it eye-opening when we realize the reason getting offended is painful is because it triggers our own inner shame spiral.
Thank you for a profoundly interesting; educational and helpful video. You covered all aspects of something I was subconsciously not even aware of. The root of me getting easily offended is shame. Thank you for providing a step by step self-help program, with clarity, compassion and in a non-jusgemental way. I was using the wrong approach, exhaustibg myself. Your gentle tone is also very non-intimidating. With this video, you have allowed me to understand your profession better, to help others. Thank you! 🙏🏻
I'm glad this was helpful to you and that my content resonates with you ✨🙏🌻
Very well explained thank you so much.
Thank you so much! I recognize these traits in several of my family members. Being frequently offended appears like a pastime living in chronic victimization mode! Maintaining a simple conversation is beyond maddening! Basic reciprocal interactions devolve into communication with an oppositional child that needs a nap. They have very rigid ideas in their head, and are greatly attached to outcomes no-one else is aware of! The likelihood of sustaining purposeful conversation is low, so unfortunately I choose to greatly reduce contact!
This is exactly what I needed today. Thank you so much
Wonderful, I'm glad you found it 💖
Thank you Maika. this is very helpful. Can you point me to what you recommend in how you build your self worth.
Yes, for sure! So, in essence, our sense of self-worth is about how we relate to and feel about ourselves in connection to:
- our worthiness of the good things in life
- our loveablity and the likelihood we will be loved
- our enoughness in the sense of "Do I have what it takes, basically, to make life work somehow?”
- our value independent of our achievements
If we don't have the sense that: I am fundamentally worthy, loveable, enough and valuable, it means the skill of relating to ourselves in that way is underdeveloped. So - yes - a healthy sense of self worth is a skill we can all learn to develop. And in this quality it shares a lot of similar features to other skills we can acquire:
1) we need to learn about our goal (what is this about) and how it works theoretically (what is it like to have a healthy sense of self worth, where does it come from, how is it maintained...)
2) we need to practice it
Those are the two main principles it takes to build your sense of self worth. And if you're wondering where to start: start small and keep going. Building self worth takes time, it doesn't happen over night. We need to come back to 1) understand / increase awareness and 2) practice and practice. So, I recommend to stay close to the topic 1) in the form of seeking out input about it repeatedly and then 2) applying and practicing it.
I realize this answer is quite abstract. Maybe you were hoping for something more practical and quick. Our sense of self worth is so deep and has such far reaching consequences, I feel it does the topic a disservice to grind it down to a simple answer like: “Start saying “I love myself.“ in the mirror every morning.”
BUT - leaving that thought aside - the most practical answer (in my view) would be: work on your self-talk and inner dialogue. Become more aware of it, observe it without judgement, like a curious child. Then, replace the unhelpful parts of that inner dialogue with more helpful parts. Our inner dialogue (and our actions) are the arena in which the change in connection to our self worth takes place. The way we interpret what happens in our life is a major influence on (and expression of) our sense of self worth.
Look for instances in which you feel like things are going wrong because you're not enough or unloveable and question that view of reality. Is it really that? What other factors are at play? Don't accept your brain's/mind's suggestion for explaining reality with the conclusion "It's because you're not enough.” Know that this suggestion not only doesn't make sense, it's not helpful. It's a dysfunctional projection of an old thought pattern the brain tries to get away with to avoid investing more energy into the matter... What helps is to explain reality along the lines of, “This is a challenge I can figure out. I have what it takes. I can make room for the unpleasant, unavoidable aspects of this experience. I'll take small steps and give it time. I am lovable. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am enough. I don't need to be someone else. I can be me and make life work.”
If you'd like to keep learning, here's my favorite self worth video on this channel:
What It Feels Like To Have A Strong Sense Of Self-Worth I Improving Confidence & Low Self-Esteem czcams.com/video/b0DX5CgkCOU/video.html
Thank you Maika! 🙂🌞🥀
🙂🐿🙏🏻
thank you so much for this informative video. it really helped me out a lot & i will re-watch it whenever im going through something where i need to hear this. i just recently had a trigger when hanging out w one of my friends & i felt rly bad abt it after & couldn’t figure out what exactly triggered me or if i just took it left field or if there is some validity in my trigger. but this video really helped me understand myself & the situation better & will help me in the future for when situations like that occur ❤
I'm glad this was helpful 💖
7:42 “Shame dissipates in the connection, love, and acceptance of another person.”
Thank you. You explained the mechanism of the shame spiral so well and also the way out of it. That was very helpful for me and I feel a lot more selfcompassion for myself now. Growing up in a family with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother I developed a strong shame spiral with which I have to deal quite a lot. But developing more and more selfcompassion and practicising mindfulness also helps to get out of the circle.
Glad to hear you’re stepping out of your shame spiral 🌀, it’s well invested effort ❤️
Your a clever little bunny Maika. You get to the core of the behaviours that keep you stuck and a way out. More ways on strategies to get out would be much appreciated. Thankyou ❤
This video was very validating and revealing. Thank you ❤
Wow, you nailed my inner dialogue in the first 30 seconds of the video!!😮
Thank you! I found your message to be very sincere and helpful 😊
Thank you for this Maika, you're extraordinary:)
Thank you so much for this. I really needed this.
Thank you!
This really explains why: I get hated on by women, who over use social media, who get offended when I say Nay to their licentious advances or when they are offended I asked them simple things, while they try to get me cancelled for not talking to trans women.
And I'm just there. I've worked on my shadow. Meanwhile, I speak to them and they act like I tried assaulting them.
I’m working with kids at the moment and I find it so hard sometimes when they say something really mean. I don’t take my offense out on them, but I do try and get them to understand that what they say can hurt peoples feelings. And then when I go home I just feel really depressed about the things they say to me and I spiral out of control because I feel like a loser for getting so offended by kids and not being able to compar mentalize that they are kids being kids. I’m so sensitive and it effects my sleep and then today I threw up in the morning. I know a lot of people are dealing with much more severe situations, but I can’t physically remove myself from the situation because it’s my job. I know I’m going to have to deal with this kid again or a kid with similar habits which causes me a lot of anxiety and then I spiral out of control in a kind of anxiety attack. But I also feel shame about how I’m getting so offended by kids.
I‘m sorry you’re in such a difficult place. Kids can be very hurtful with what they say - for whatever reason… they may not fully understand what they’re saying or repeat behavior they witness at home, perhaps even towards themselves. It sounds like it could really help you to talk to a mental health professional for a few sessions to untangle this. The way you describe it sounds like you’re really burdened and suffering. It is possible to change the way these situations affect you, so it gets easier to go through. ❤️ You can also then learn that it’s nothing you need to shame yourself for - pain is pain, no pain is less appropriate. I wish you all the best ☀️🌷
@@DrMaikaSteinborn thank you so much for taking the time to comment such a thoughtful response. I was really hurting when I wrote this, but it’s gotten better and I have talked to a bunch of people about it for help. I really do think maybe I need to speak to a therapist, I can recognize the unhelpful thought patterns but it is hard to manage them sometimes. Your comment made me feel really happy and hopeful because of your dedication to helping people. I hope you have a great day too.
I'm glad your situation has already improved, that's wonderful. Yes, sometimes it's hard to see through and untangle the web of one's own thought patterns by oneself. It's great you were able to already get support and help. All the best!
SAME !!!!!! I Feel You So Much For That ❤
I liked your video! I have a client that brings me a lot of money, but he’s just a miserable jerk. He often says things that are condescending or passive aggressive. I don’t really think it has to do with my shame though. I think it’s important to remember not to take things personally. That was something that took me a very, very long time to get a hold of. Most of what people say has to do with them and not you. I remind myself of that and try not to take things personally. But if someone is constantly triggering you then you just need to let that shit go. They don’t deserve a place in your life.I’ll be poor before I let a client abuse me
💯 Thank you for sharing!
Another great video!
🙂🌞
A new interesting Video by you. Thanks
Thanks for being here 🙂💫
Very helpful
That's great 🙂 🙏
I took offense to the fact that it was implied that I have an overgrown inner ear. I'm sorry my ears are big 🙄 Anyway, this was great advice. I'll focus on my self worth and build myself up. Maybe someone letting go of a door when I'm walking behind them didn't't see me. I'm strong enough to open a door for myself. Perhaps other people weren't shown correct manners growing up. I shouldn't make it my problem.
This helps !!!
Wonderful 🐬
Thank you Maika. If I understand you right it is possible, that I hurt someones feelings if I don´t know their shame spiral. How can I prevent this?
Yes, that's a good point, we can hurt someone by unintentionally feeding their shame spiral. It’s very kind of you to care about that. Here are some thoughts on this from different angles. I had so many thoughts about this, some are about preventing, others about what helps when it happened… Please see which of these thoughts are relevant for you:
1) Another person’s interpretation of something we say always falls into the context of our whole relationship. If they are quick to interpret something we say as meaning that we think they are not good enough, that could be because in the past we have judged, devalued and doubted them a lot. So, if we want to make sure they are less easily triggered into shame when interacting with us, that means we need to rebuild a strong, positive connection, and create lots and lots of positive interactions and experiences together, and express appreciation, love and support over and above anything else. When this person’s general feeling towards us and the relationship has improved, they will also not be so quick to jump into their shame spiral by what we say and do unintentionally. It has become easier for them to trust that you are coming from a supportive and appreciative place.
2) Another thing that helps prevent another person falling into shame is to give people feedback about very concrete, observable aspects of their behavior or speech, instead of giving feedback focussed on their person. So instead of saying, "You are lazy.", it is more helpful to say, "I've noticed that you didn't clear out the dishwasher today." Shame is about not being good enough as a whole person, so it is easily activated when we judge someone's whole character. We sometimes think that the extra emphasis of “You are xyz…” helps people change, but if they feel shame, it makes changing even harder. In any case, whenever we say something, we can ask ourselves: could this in any way be understood as me thinking this person isn’t 1) good enough (fundamentally), 2) welcome or 3) valuable.
3) Also, it helps to be very intentional and reserved with critical feedback in general, especially if the other person didn't ask for it. In the end, our perspective is just one perspective out of many possible perspectives and it often doesn't help others as much as we think, if we unsolicitedly offer them our (critical) judgements of or comments to a situation.
4) In a way, we cannot avoid misunderstandings, that’s bound to happen when we communicate. But, what we can always do is clear them out afterwards, and if necessary apologize. (Of course, it always takes a bit of courage to have these kinds of conversations, but they are worth it!)
5) It also helps to get to know people and their vulnerabilities. If we keep talking to each other about the deep things that move us, the things that happen under the surface, after a while we will know each other’s tender spots and be able to be softer around them. Also, then you can be extra appreciating and clear about how you mean things in relation to the soft spots. So, if you know that someone often feels like they are not welcome, you can be extra clear about welcoming them and signaling that you are glad to see them.
6) If someone has a big shame spiral, it is easily triggered, it doesn’t take much. This is good to keep in mind, otherwise we will be surprised about their strong reaction which seems disproportionate to the situation. It helps to know that it is about a lot more than that one situation. This person’s past is being projected into the present.
It can help to verbalize what you are noticing, maybe that will help the person see what is going on: “I notice that you are upset, I wonder what you are thinking right now?” This might be followed by a deeper level of conversation that sorts out the contributions of each person’s minds to what is happening.
7) When someone’s shame spiral has been activated, it means this person feels like they are not good enough, like something is fundamentally wrong with them, and that they are unloveable and don’t have what it takes to make life work. Anything you can say or do that allows them to see that, although they are struggling, that doesn’t mean they are fundamentally broken, helps them: “It is a natural part of life to go through something like this. That you are going through this, isn’t because you’re not good enough, everyone goes through these experiences. I believe in you.”
Often, it’s enough to listen to what happened or what they’re afraid of, and respond in a way that lets them know you think they are nevertheless lovable and good enough for life. The acceptance, love, confidence and trust in relationships is a powerful antidote to shame because it directly disproves it (“I am here and I love you. (So you are not unloveable.)”)
Stay strong🎉
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I don’t get what people are praising about this video. The title is how to STOP, but while this video is great at explaining what is happening and why, it doesn’t say how to stop it. It’s like saying, this is what is happening so don’t do that or it’ll get worse. Gee thanks, I know that, I understand that, but what people don’t know is HOW to STOP. This video needs to change the title to, “What it feels like and what happens when you are easily hurt and offended.”
I'm sorry you were dissatisfied with this viewing experience. If you're interested, I elaborate more on stepping out of the shame spiral in the videos in this playlist: czcams.com/play/PLzRKYOPcN3c-6G8eP-v62qq009e1SGnve.html also this video: This One Is For Anyone Feeling Behind In Life / Ashamed Of Where They Are In Life czcams.com/video/D1JRAUFkeUY/video.html
You are wrong by saying that by being offended this makes people feel ashamed. It is much more feeling a little helpless and anxious that this happened to oneself. On a rational basis it's easy to process such a situation with offensive trash. These kind of people lack self-reflection, they are self-centered, always blame others, are extremely sensitive when it comes to their feelings, but have no empathy for others. These are often primitive, poorly educated people living a life of frustration, filled with contempt and hate. What they say has nothing to do with the person who they offend! Their behaviour only gives us an insight of their negative world. They are meaningless and should consequently be avoided and ignored.
I agree with what you wrote about not everyone responding in the same way to criticism! Shame is one option, but not the only one...
That’s a victim mentality
Yes, I think there’s definitely a similarity… I don’t know if this is just me, but I feel the term “victim mentality” can sometimes sound a bit judgy (not saying you are using it like this - it can also be a neutral expression!), that’s why I haven’t really used it so far… but I think I understand what you mean and agree!
Really valuable! 🙂 Thanks a lot dear Maika.❤️🩹
That‘s great 🎆 Thank you!
Thank you !
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