You Are NOT Your Trauma. Don't Let What Happened to You DEFINE You.
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- čas přidán 28. 07. 2024
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At first, having a diagnosis or a name for your symptoms is a huge relief. It's valuable to know what happened to you, and how it affected you. But don't allow this diagnostic view to to overwhelm who you really are -- your life, your strengths, your hopes for a happy future.It helps to remember that the symptoms of CPTSD are NOT your personality (even if they drive your behaviors some of the time). CPTSD results from a neurological injury, and healing is possible!
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Anna, you are an extraordinary communicator. Your ability to explain and clarify is second to none. Way to seize the day in your own life and point the way like a lighthouse to help others to head in the right direction out of the darkness of trauma and into the light of healing so that the rest of our life can be BETTER and not stuck. Thank you, Anna. You are so helpful and kind.
Thank you so much for the kind words of support for the Fairy :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I agree! Anna you are one of the most effective communicators on any of the topics you cover!! Just outstanding ❤️
I had this epiphany a couple years ago, Most of the friends I made had their identity centered around their trauma and that’s all we would talk about. It kept us all stuck in the same mindset and I had to let them go to continue my healing process.
Could use some pointers
Identify with who you are, not what you struggle with. Having a car doesn't make you a car 🙃 you can trade it in for a bike or go for a walk instead, don't have to drive everywhere. Letting go of the steering wheel helps. Not in the middle of the freeway though. Timing is everything 🤣
What I know is that I don't trust myself when I say "I want to change and I love my self" and then my actions don't match up. Self-consistency is a must learn skill, how to show ourselves we care properly over time. Then our ability to connect with others in a healthy way can move forward. Much love fellow travelers 💛
@Mark Lane i would say it is not easy at all: it is a simple process that is *very difficult* to do. Difficult to start, stay motivated to do consistently, or see any point in at all on some darker days.
For myself, I view it as a self-discipline exercise, where I'm learning how to be patient with myself while I teach myself all the skills I need to thrive but was never given/taught.
The other option in giving up, and I'm tired of that option, because it didn't work out for me, historically. I'd rather fail in new and unfamiliar ways than to keep beating a dead horse that isn't getting me anywhere good. Or worse, beat up myself for not healing instantly and being "better", which I rarely defined clearly anyway.
Instead of asking "why" questions, I focus on "what, how" questions: What am I feeling, what will I do or not do about it, and how will I get where I want to go, wherever that is? It makes it less about motivations and more about actions.
Actions first, feelings follow, not the inverse. You "do" healing, then after time you "feel" the effects of healing in your life. If you want easy, it's easier to stay broken than to heal, and no magic pills or thoughts exist to avoid the work part of the healing process.
First hand, I know that when I "do" broken, I "feel" broken, so the only solution logically is to "do" differently, until the resulting emotions let me know that this time something is working.
Hoping you can get there also, but a caution: if you continue to want or expect an easy road, [been there also, it is possible to get beyond that desire if you work at it long enough] it is probably not a path towards healing, but away from it. Just like chopping down a tree, it's not going to happen by hoping it will, you have to get an axe and keep chopping to get any lumber to work with.
Maybe it's not the right time for these ideas for you yet, in your personal journey. Maybe they will not be ever be a good fit, but I share them anyway, just in case they can resonate in a positive way with someone stuck with the same mindset of "if it was just that easy", which I myself have also felt at one point. It's just one train station 🚉, yet one that many of us get stuck at and/or visit frequently. Be well 🙏
This was a great discussion, Ana! I also recently listened to another mentor online, who advised not to “erect monuments” or memorialize what happened to you. Don’t make it a place you go back to and visit. This is really helpful to me. I can just say, “ hey, let’s not visit this place today, Danielle.” Like I can say to myself. Let’s not memorialize this. And your talk is something I can also keep in my head, too! Like, “ you’re not your trauma. Danielle. You’re your own best friend now!” Also, love the helpful writing prompts! Have a happy 4th!
Hello!!! How helpful!! Love what you said! What is the name of the other wonderful mentor?
Please share the other mentor! Thank you!
Balance is key. When I got divorced I thought "that's my past. I'm not going to burden others with it." And I bottled so much up I imploded regularly. Then I told myself "he was part of my life for x amount of years and the things he did impacted me in the longrun." I gave myself the space to grieve and talk about him. I found that talking about the abuse was very liberating. As I spoke the words, they had less of a hold over me. This period of talking about my trauma to my close friends (and therapist) frequently only lasted max six months and overtime the words had less and less impact. Trauma doesn't have to overcome your life or become part of your personality, but if you feel the need to talk about it, find the right person (a therapist or consenting close friend) and talk about it until you feel done talking about it.
@@Alphacentauri819 wonderful opinion on this, love what it did for me! Thank you
The fact that I was neglected growing up made me incredibly resourceful and strong. I realize now that there are solutions to pretty much everything, and they'll come my way. I've also grown independent and comfortable on my own, when necessary. Thanks, Anna, for your beautiful work here. God bless. ❤
Amen
This is timely, and confirming. I recently had the realization that I have been freed from the “ chains” of abuse and neglect. I see them broken and tossed to the side. But when I make my trauma my identity in a conversation, it’s as if I run back to where those broken chains lie and pick them back up. I may not wear them anymore, but in always discussing them to new friends, they’re still keeping me from moving forward to a fully free new life. Thank you!
Great analogy!
-Cara@TeamFairy
yes well said. im learning exactly that now too. my trauma is in the past but i still let me bind it which stops me from being in the present moment in all its wonder.
I came to this realization a while back, as well.
THANK YOU, Anna for such wise words!
I like that "You are not your trauma... trauma is an injury.."
I’ve noticed that on a job, or in my human rights activism, I have a whole different “ego state”, as my therapist put it. I’m not a victim, at all, when I commit an act of civil disobedience over what I see as grievous injustice, and get arrested. I’m not a victim, when I’m taking care of children, and I’m not a victim, when I’m at work.
It’s in my meeting&mating life that has confounded me, and marred my success at things I know I can do.
I was raised by an obvious monster, in my father, and an insidious and covert narcissist, in my mother. They both had significant trauma in their childhoods, and happily revisited that suffering upon us. Healthy people are not jealous of their children, and a healthy woman does not blame her daughter, when her husband openly sexually harasses and grooms her.
They died, without ever having known the freedom I’ve gained. It was hard-fought, and hard-won. If you have come out of hell, and been able to shake the demons, and actually be happy, you have done something not many can do. You’ve become a warrior, not a victim.
Your videos are eerily accurate to my situation lately. Seems like it for others too. There seems to be some mass change taking place.
Indeed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yeah, everyone had to sit home with themselves during the beginning of the pandemic and for many it was unpleasant!
It makes it really hard to trust people once you've been through so much trauma and betrayal
Yes, it does. Small steps :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Personally I think this is the only thing wrong with AA and NA….always saying I’m an addict because sure we are when we first go in the rooms, but I don’t think it’s healthy to keep repeating it. The program was brought into being a very long time ago and while it is a very good program, it could be tweaked to come up to date with current science. 🙏♥️✨ NZ
I agree. Being in those rooms allows people to be heard, but the pain keeps circling around -- ruminating over and over again in the meetings. There is no progressive step. Eventually, the "addicts" become 'addicted' to the program. Just like an addict, don't talk about 'the program' (just like a drunk protecting alcohol and denying it is not an addiction). Also, just like addicts hang out with the same type of people a lot of the time, in 'the program', outsiders (family and friends) become the 'outsiders' and alienated. I have seen it over and over again.
I know I would have liked to have continued participating in the twelve step programme if I had not been expected to take on these labels and have to introduce my self that way I am checking out the smart recovery programme because I know I won't have to do this. I hope it reforms though to be honest I get the impression it thinks it's beyond criticism
"i am much more than all the bad things that happened to me"
-Birdie (she said that a few months before she died peacefully of cancer)
live to the fullest as tomorrow is not guaranteed🙏🙂
So spot on. These labels/stories/diagnoses can really help initially but ultimately it's about focusing on how to heal and move through everything towards a healthier emotional and overall life.
I appreciate the kind admonishment and reminder to not wallow in my own past. It can be so easy to spiral into negative self-judgement over a label or what happened, and it’s so freeing to let go of trauma identity and instead embrace curiousness about what I can become in the present and future. Reinforcing that capacity for GROWTH is so necessary and that’s why I follow your channel. Thank you, Anna! 😊💜
Just like losing weight...Never a straight path...
Another difficulty, Anna, is that when you finally realize your identity is not your trauma, friends, counselors, etc. still push you down with it -- you are almost forever labeled. It is an uphill climb to have good relationships on that issue alone.
Whoops, OK I will try this. So I did get moved around a lot growing up with different family members but I felt very loved by my grandparents for the first 5 years of my life. My Aunty and Uncle looked after me from the age of 5 to 10 years old and I felt very loved and wanted. Thank you Anna it's so easy to get wrapped up in the negatives and to forget the positives.
Was grinding my teeth from roughly 14...possibly earlier, picked at my knee scabs when at school, bit my nails....can''t remember doing or even now at 63....proper self - soothing. Always felt a need to...not be too kind to myself... and never totally relaxing. Addictions like these...ebb n flow...depending on any other traumas which cause me anguish and all kinds of pain.
I know a lot of the trauma came because of my oppressive Dad and my bullying brother - my Mam 'got out' a lot ! ;)
Done a lot of self work in the last few years from learning ways to deal n heal with it all - from online Therapists - who are a GODSEND. !?!?
Taken yeeears... to finally throw off nasty and covert friends and relatives...giving me a CHANCE to heal.
I love this so much. My mum was also an alcoholic, we were also poor and we experienced a lot of physical violence. But my other family members were always there when we needed somewhere to go to. I also learnt that if I have kids, I'll be the best mother. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor. I fight each and every day to be the best version of myself.
Glad that you're fighting to be the best version of yourself. We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you so much, again.
This video made me realise -again- that intuitively, I have made good decisions, even when I was young. (As well as bad decisions, smoking, alcohol, don’t get me wrong.) But mentally, as about how to be a responsible, happy person, yeah, I feel pretty proud… content, let’s say content with how I did life so far. I’m surrounded with many loving people who give me a lot, I give a lot too.
I do have an anxiety disorder, but I’m doing sooooo much better recently, what a happy feeling!
Thank you! 💞
Wonderful, glad you feeling better!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much!!
I love this comment! Beautiful, lovely vibe :)
@@ARA-ee9yr Thank you so much! 💞
I hope you are doing good, too!
For freeing yourself from old trauma of other friends that want to keep on re-traumatizing you because they won't recognize it! They want to tell me that it should be over, move on, it is on my timetable not on theirs... That's where I put my boundaries on or reconsidered the friendship because it was not really One to begin with if it's not a real conversation as an adult conversation! I've learned that a lot lately! I stand up for myself when needed but only one needed after I've listened carefully to them
thanks so much for this video! i'm now reflecting on the loving support and care i received from a couple of my friends' mom and a handful of teachers too. this is a message i was not ready for and was very resistant to for years. i used what had happened to me as an explanation for why i was stuck and couldn't try anything new or different, i didn't trust myself and i didn't trust the people around me.
i feel so much more embodied and capable now, i try to frequently challenge and nudge myself, i no longer begin connections with new people by telling them about some of the worst moments in my life. i haven't forgotten anything and i'm not forcing myself to not think about it, but it's hanging over me less like a cloud, it's alot less focal.
i can't change anything in the past, i'm only in control of my life now and how i spend my time and what i use my energy to do.
This is so great!! It's amazing--in my early twenties, I think I needed to identify as a victim. I had never looked at myself that way before, and I needed to put a name to what I had experienced in my childhood and what went on (and was still going on) in my home. I had to talk about it, write about, loosen my tongue, actually identify with it because I had put the abuse in a box as a child/teen and decided not to look at it. Looking at it was so important. I spent most of my twenties in this phase, and maybe that phase could've been shortened. Either way, now I'm 33 and my life looks so different than it used to--it's positive, peaceful, stable, safe. I'm graduating nursing school in six weeks! And I've naturally moved into exactly what you described in this video--not telling my story as much or as often, and not thinking about as much either (of course besides some intrusive or triggered thoughts, which maybe will never go away, and that's okay). I'm a work in progress, and still working on the parts of my life where my injury shows itself (hello, romance, you final frontier!). . . Anyway, thanks for the reminder that I'm not defined from where I come from. "Your DNA is not your destiny!"
it was a huge insight moment/movement for me when I stopped trying to fix the past and instead focused on the present. it feels more vulnerable but it was the only place that change was actually possible. ❤
This is spot on to what I'm feeling right now, and exactly what I needed to hear. I have been having difficulty laying the memory of my father to rest, and not needing his approval any more, but I've been feeling also, the topic you're speaking of, and want to do that, focus on the now, leave the past be. Maybe that's why I've been working so much on improvements to my property. I'm out there every day, learning, doing and accomplishing, beautifying, improving and restoring my environs. I'm proud of what I'm accomplishing here, using my brain and my brawn.
You are living that feeling of healing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
We get good at what we do and what we put our energy towards. If we put our energy into hurt and trauma, we get out more feelings of hurt and isolation. Your method of clearing this to be able to extricate oneself from the pattern of trauma and retraumatizing oneself is invaluable. Thank you for getting so good at helping people get over trauma to move on to healthy, loving patterns with others. You helped me and my sister tremendously. 🤗 💗
It’s been 30 years since my trauma started. It wasn’t a family member who caused it, but someone close to my family. It went on until I was 19. I ran away from my education and went to work on a holiday park, where I knew he couldn’t get access to me. He would have to pay to access the holiday park, and it was so big he would have had a hard time finding me.
Because of his actions before I left, I made some bad decisions while I was there. I am not proud of some of them. It was part of me believing how worthless, stupid and ugly I was told I was.
I left in the September of that year and came home, realising that I needed an education unless I wanted to end up like some of the people I had worked with. The time away from the situation and the mistakes I made went on to make me feel stronger. When I came home, HE thought it would all just start up again. Little did he know I had gained some strength and a pair of steel toe capped boots.
I was messed up for a while, particularly looking after myself as I felt so worthless. I had a couple of dates, but they never worked out. Then at 20 I met my now husband of 22 years. I was his first adult girlfriend, so I was forced to take it slowly with him. It was the best thing for me too, although I didn’t realise it at the time. I couldn’t jump into old behaviour. He was the first person I trusted enough to tell what had happened to me. My family still now have no idea, and that’s the way I want it to stay.
The night I told my husband what had happened, he made me a promise that he would never let anything like that happen again. Importantly we have always kept the lines of communication open and always talked about everything, big or small.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I found out quite by chance that his wife had gone through 3 miscarriages. I knew this made her uncomfortable seeing me 6 month pregnant. We were both in the blood test department of our local hospital. I quietly thanked the universe that they hadn’t managed to have children. As far as I know, they haven’t had children in the mean time, and his wife has never found out what HE did.
Fast forward almost 20 years, and it’s only now that my symptoms have become a problem. Our daughter is off to university, and will be over 200 miles away from home. As she is mildly autistic, we as parents have always protected her and worked hard to teach her of the ways of this world. I started having flashbacks, dreams about new scenarios, and am terrified about keeping her safe. She knows about what happened to me and knows why I am so paranoid about her safety. She understands, but sometimes she isn’t always as aware of her surroundings as she should be. My huge fear is of her being date raped, drinks spiked or the newer thing of being injected. We have talked about apps we can use to track her on nights out, and ways for her to stay safe. She doesn’t drink alcohol as a rule, so strange behaviour from her would alert others sooner.
I am getting help. I am in the Uk, and here PTSD can only be diagnosed formally by a psychiatrist, psychologist or psychiatric nurse. I have had a pre-diagnosis screening done and my result was high. I didn’t think I had a problem until a year or so ago. I thought the few times it had come up in counselling after my mum died had sorted me out.
I don’t think I let my trauma define me, although self care is still very difficult in some respects. I have 2 chronic illnesses, and looking back, I wonder if they started during the trauma. Certainly the CFS could have. I wait to see what the psychiatrist says when I finally am issued an appointment.
I was just introduced to Adler in the book "courage to be disliked". Rather than looking for the roots of behavior in the past and identifying with a historical narrative, behavior is looked at in terms of it's function in the present. So what need it meets.
Thank you Anna...I'm new to all this GOOD STUFF you set out for us like a Banquet of healing with a generous portion of ENCOURAGEMENT for dessert...I'm 72 years young, zero healing, I'm perpetually RAW bc trauma began at 3, pulverized me through
the decades, still today it's relentless...I'm SERIOUSLY messed up...BUT I'm good at hiding it...til I'm triggered and I'm a wrecking ball...a nerf wrecking ball...the nerf wrecking ball is "quiet damage" but LEVELING to myself and others...the 3 year old 16, 24, 30s decades of fighting the world..at 72 I'M EXHAUSTED I'M DAMAGED AND HAVE DAMAGED...I want peace IN ME in my golden years...I pray you can help me to put down my weapons and become good kind and well🌹
You so often have such kind and encouraging comments, thank you @Sonora_Senora!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I felt that way to, in my fifties, finally I have healed and have been able to move on. These vidios of validation help so much. I would suggest reading Pete Walkers book on healing from cptsd, which I learned I had. It's worth the journey, good luck to you!!
There was a long period when I worked to get my malignant narcissist mother to apologize to me. I wanted it more than anything. But I finally realized she never would. I went low contact with her, only visiting her so that her grandchildren would know her. I didn't want to be the one to decide whether or not they had a rlationship with her. When she died, I finally came into myself fully. She never did acknowledge any of the horrible things she did. I am happy now, and only think of her occasionally. When I do, I often appreciate the good things she did do for me.
That is a great ending, you are happy and not ruminating.
-Cara@TeamFairy
you've put that very well. (You are not your trauma.) I thank you for your videos which are helpful for me. I'm almost 67 years, and still trying to find peace.
Thanks for this video. I see it as possibly problematic for some people so thought I would share these thoughts.. I became quite dis-abled by Cptsd, so much so that I couldn't leave the house for a while. Haven't worked for 2 years, mostly due to social anxiety from the cptsd. I found it hard to give accountability to who caused my cptsd, and as I finally did and worked on my healing, I am getting better. But it can be so crippling sometimes, that it can be disabling for me, that isn't about having a trauma identity.. Its about caring for myself in a way I've never in my life had before, and knowing my limits when it feels unsafe. You have to heal to live, but it's not right to assume those people choose it as an identity to hide behind. I choose to not do some things normal 26 year olds do, because ill become disabled by the cptsd in certain situations.. One day I might be well enough to do it, but not yet and that's okay. It's taken me a long time to say its okay.. It doesn't mean I'm choosing my identity as a trauma victim.. I'm just honouring what works for me, because if I don't my health suffers. Maybe I'm struggling with remembering that's not what I'm doing (choosing trauma), and I hope others dont think that I am. I feel like I'm showing up for myself and respecting my boundaries when I need to, but that feels very risky given that I've lived 23 years not doing that and ignoring what I feel/not knowing why. So that's why I think it's important to acknowledge in your videos that you can show up for yourself and not let it become an identity, there is a difference. It is disabling for some people. By acknowledging that it can be disabling, even if you're healing and sometimes caused by healing, it also helps us to acknowledge our own needs and respect them, as they have been so far ignored for some people. I know what you mean though I think, that it's about healing and it is possible. But it's doesnt mean it's not totally crippling for some people on the road there.. I do feel it's hard to say when you need to that this is what you're dealing with to others as so many people will say, well don't let it consume you, as if that's what you want your life to be. Or they will have no clue what it is and think you can wave a wand and it's gone.. the stigma continues as does the shame. I say, I want to learn to share with people this is what I'm dealing with if I need to in the moment, and for them to realise it is a disability, it isn't something I'm choosing to hold on to, it's something I'm battling against every single day. But I dont want the world to know that, if I was struggling and needed someone's help then I would say. Thank you for your positive video though. Hope you're well. Video suggestion- more on how to calm emotional flashbacks.. Your other videos are so helpful with these. Thank you for all you do.
Ps Boundaries are what will keep us moving in the right direction..
I feel like you just gave me a machete to cut back the overgrowth blocking my path. Thank you for the clairity you bring us.
Wow Anna!!!! Just yesterday I has this deep realization that maybe I'm starting to identify with my wounds, adhd, cptsd, etc.... and that thats just actually the version of me out of balance, out of health - not my essence, not the real me. Thank you for this!!!! 100% confirmed. Helping me a lot.
Glad the video helped you. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
It's not what happens to us that defines us: it's how we respond to what happens to us that defines us. As children we are vulnerable and we are victims..but when we grow up and continue to allow what happened to us to define us, we remain victims. At that point it's our choice to remain a victim or to become a victor. I think there are people and groups 'out there' that profit from keeping people in a state of victim-hood. They see the signs that indicate the person is easy prey and manipulate those people for their own self-serving purposes or to suit their group agenda. They must keep those people in a perpetual victim-hood.....This manipulation is rampant today imo. I'm old enough to look way back and see how things were then and how things are now and what I see now is scary. Mass manipulation via media, internet, etc creates mass delusion....it's a whole new world, a world where those with power create victims and people are none the wiser.
Gosh, that was powerful. Thank you
Awesome. I need this today. I feel I'm finally only starting to create space between the I (my awareness) and the trauma. I've identified with it for decades - I thought it WAS me. It's not.
Thank you for this God-sent reminder.
I think I heard the term "spiritual growth" only once in quite a bit of this healing video. I myself depend 90% on this term to go on every moment in my daily life. I always and ever remind myself "God is present", "God is near", God helps the pious people and the righteous ones. Thank you lady for this ocean of knowledge.
“Trauma is an injury, not an identity.” Thank you for the small but powerful reminder 🥹✨.
My mum is just about to pass away from cancer. I was no contact with her for over 4 years.I let myself be bullied by my siblings in to having phone contact with her.I felt we reconnected but it was just another " push pull" from my mum.Now she acts distant and disinterested if I ring.My siblings telling me not to ring her.In the past I would have been devastated to realise I had been pulled in to her "games " again..Now I just shrug my shoulders and I really don't feel too upset .Now I have my own back and support from myself .I recently started the reconnection bootcamp course and I hope to go from strength to strength leaving my past where it belongs behind me..I am NOT going that way.I am going a different way a NEW one.Good on me 🌞.
You are so right Fairy! But, being stuck in the past, being resentful and blaming is so difficult to stop. I know you are right, we must concentrate on the present and what ACTIONS we must take to make our present better.
Your encouraging words are all the more powerful thanks to your realistic, no-nonsense approach. I've already made so much progress but the road of healing is much more complex and difficult than I expected. But getting out of hopelessness and realizing how much power I have continues to motivate me. And your words motivate me! I am holding myself accountable for my own life. Thank you.
thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have often heard you say: "You are not your trauma". Also that: "cPTSD changes the brain neurologically". I resonate with both statements. I just quickly scanned the title of a different channel; and though my eyes saw the words, my brain 'said' to me: "Feel Guilty". I quickly scanned the title twice - same result. The actual title, after slowing down to concentrate on it: "Feel Fully" !!! I have a lot of work to do, Anna!
hahahaha, glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy - Same!
I feel for you. So much. You have answers to almost all my questions, that I mostly keep to myself. Never stop posting these beautiful videos. You're a fairy by all means :) lots of love and healing to you too, lightworker in action !
Thank you for the kind words. Appreciate you supporting Anna and the channel. - Ashley, Team Fairy
God bless you! What you do with your videos bring healing in areas were medication or therapy can't help thank you so much
Thank you so much for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I got stuck in this belief that I am helpless. That no one can help me, even myself. That was true of the past, but not now. I am slowly trying to change these self defeating beliefs and actions that are holding me back. I want to forge a life that's just mine.
This is such an important point. It does seem like a lot of “self help” keeps us focused on obsessing about the past trauma. Thanks Anna!
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
YES! I especially have seen the “narcissist” community (people healing from being hurt by a narcissist) making having been abused or traumatized by a narcissist part of their identity. They have an entire language. They call the narcissist “My narc.” They talk about “flying monkeys.” And a host of other phrases and words that you only learn when you’re in that community for a while. It can be helpful at first, but many of the people involved in these online support groups and CZcams channels become totally dependent on this community as a part of their identity. And also define themselves in terms of their abuse and trauma. Even going so far as defining themselves in terms of their abuser. They also seem to see narcissistic behavior wherever they go, diagnosing everyone they meet. I, luckily, extricated myself from these communities very quickly after I saw these behaviors in myself, but I see others behaving this way and how much of a crutch it is. It can also be very manipulative to accuse others of being a narcissist instead of dealing with ones own issues.
Wow. Thanks, that reminds me of one phase I kept going into! Hopefully every time that this urge in me arises, I can see it as a pattern, and remind myself of this comment.
I get what your saying. I needed that narc community to heal, it helped me understand what I went through. It was all so confusing , the pure evil of it all. I am healed now, so I don't watch them anymore, but I thank God for them. And.... I can spot a narc now a mile away, and keep my distance. The red flags of these people are spot on. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you, Anna! I don't know how to say how much your videos have helped me. I struggle so much with my relationships but your insights allow me to understand my situation better and to believe I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. I'm about to reach two decades of living, and thanks to your videos I have discovered a lot of things. I'm grateful with being able to watch your videos and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
What a lovely note to find here this morning. I can hear in what you decribe that healing is in progress, and this is such happy news. Good work! Thank you for taking the time to tell me what's working!
Thank you for this video. It made so much sense. I love the “your trauma is not your identity” and also looking for the good (experiences and people) that have had a positive impact on your life, rather than letting the trauma be the only story. That really helped a lot 💛
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am 68. I was raised with an abusive, narcissistic mother. She was beautiful and could spend country time in front of the mirror making herself very glamorous. I on the other hand, was not allowed to wear makeup or try to look nice. I was always told what I could never be or be good at. If I did excell at something, she used it to make herself look good. My proudest moment was graduating with my B.S. in Business Administration with a 4.0 GPA earned while taking a full-time classes and working full-time. I had no social life, just college and work. Of course the "smart genes" came from her. That marvelous degree has done nothing for me, unfortunately. I am just an Administrative Assistant on the night shift at a hospice house, and not making very much. I am technically very good at my job and very detailed oriented and accurate. As a human being, however, I am not always regulated enough and get so easily frustrated and emotional. I have been written up for this. My job is hanging by a thread because of it. I have to work. I don't have enough money to retire. This stress pushes me even more and makes me feel even more that I am not good enough. I have still not learned how to like myself at all. I look at the work product I create and think, well it is good, but I am still a bad person. I intellectually know this is wrong, but it is overwhelmingly how I feel and view myself. It did not help either to have been married to an abusive, narcissistic, pathological liar husband for ten years that made an attempt on my life. He constantly belittled my college achievement, too. He has a very lucrative career.
When people talk about going for their dreams, I don't have any. I would not even know where to start to come up with any. My purpose in life was to take care of my handicapped sister. I loved life with her. She died two years ago. I have no one now. I'm all alone. I go to work and I come home and repeat. I have my groceries delivered and anything else I need delivered from Amazon. I've stayed safe from Covid with this hermit life and never taking my mask off for anything at work. I don't want to miss work and get in trouble.
This has all morphed into somewhat of an agoraphobia now. My sister suffered with that for decades. I want to go to church on Sundays, but when I get up I panic about leaving the apartment. I do work with some nice people, and second shift is perfect for my hardwired night owl body clock. After my sister died in hospice (not where I work), working in hospice is emotionally more and more difficult. Within the last two years I have become dependent on using my rollator walker. Since it became a gradual thing, everyone accepts it, and moves it around if needed but keeps it in reach of my chair. It's normal now. I worked up enough courage to interview for a second shift job at another hospital. The hiring manager looked down at the walker and then up at me and said, "Do you really need to use that thing?" The sarcastic part of me wanted to tell her no, that it was a fashion accessory....but I just smiled and said yes. An actual knife in my heart could not have hurt more. Any time I try to plan an interview with any other place, I just can't go through with it. I'm paralyzed. I know how Nancy felt for all those years. Work is familiar. I opened that place with almost all of them five years ago. I can't transfer in my company to a different area because of being written up.
I have a difficult time separating out the trauma and it's effects from who I am.
Thanks for all you do, Anna❤🌹❤🌹
Thanks for sharing, there's a lot of room for growth and healing for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have been watching your videos for some time and began the daily practice two weeks ago. One small win I just had that made me feel empowered- I always buy minis of makeup, esp the last few years, bc why waste the money or product right? I wasn’t using any of it. Well today I got through a mini mascara and eyeliner, which shows me I’ve been making more of an effort or getting out more or… just something. Something is changing. Right now, that knowledge has me FILLED with hope. You’re amazing
YES!!! Happy to hear your finding hope through the Daily Practice. Small steps lead to big changes. We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I actually have resistance to talking about the good stuff! Like I can feel the resistance like I can’t move on until that part is changed. Hard to put into words but I have inner resistance to changing to bad to a good perspective. Wow. That is interesting!!! 🧚🏻♀️
Me, too! At this time, it feels like it invalidates the abuse. It is something I’d like for the future, though.
Yes I am getting there, slow and one step at a time. I recognise mine has being the helplessness I have felt. Wanting to be rescued as it all feels too much and overwhelms me. I now recognise I've got to rescue myself and get myself out there when all I want to do is just hide and withdraw. I don't think I isolate deliberately as suffering on and off with depression makes me pull a way. I have the desire to change so that's my starting block.
That's a great start!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this video 🙏🏻❤️ It's exactly what I need to recognise.
I feel somehow flashbacks. And it cause me going sometimes into victim mode and suddenly I realise that it's away and wake up myself in moment reminding that's gone and I don't need to feel pain or unhappy.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I loved this video. Thank you so much for the insight. I am ready to move on from my trauma and create a life of fulfillment and non-judgement. 😌 i wish all of you trauma survivors a lot of healing and a lot of love. You are beautiful, you really are. Let’s take back our present moment, take back our power. 💚💚💚
Glad you enjoyed it. Sending you encouragement as you take your power back! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Funny this should come up. I listen to you every night as you describe me so well. I thought I had BPD or was a narcissist...I now realise I have cptsd due to my NPD mother . And I'm really struggling to stop living in my black horrid past and look to the future. Thankyou for your videos xxx
Thank you for watching. Sending you encouragement as you take steps forward in your healing. We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I think I've watched about 60 of your presentations and, for me, this might be the most helpful one and with the most doable, followable, simple advice. Thank you.
Glad this one was so helpful to you. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
it's so difficult to try change life because all you did seemed so normal but realy wasnt that normal and caused pain. Your channel and some others acknowledged my life for the first time. But i have to "blame" some moments first to acknowledge what was happening. I have therapy and we do go back to some moments in life but only to realise what feeling there really was. i mean the basic emotions like lonely and lost so i know more what i needed and still need ☺️ And i have to learn boundaries so i can stand up for myself and not only serve others to get seen and heard. Telling out loud what i feel and need and what i want and not want makes me feel better becasue i dont have to hold it in. 👋
Kudos, Anna, for trying to have people solve their problems without taking on a label. This is why I like your videos. CPTSD is not a label for me, it's just a method of understanding myself and what might be going on unconsciously for me to have made and make dumb decisions in my life. it's just one way that I understand the things I dealt with as a child and a teen and even as a young adult and how all that still affects me. It's also how I figure out how to get past all of it. I don't really want to accept the label for myself, but the information for dealing with what happened is so helpful and just explains so much about who I am.
The GOOD Things In My Past. NOW That's Gonna Take Some Work. I Have Noticed Recently I Really Do Focus On The Bad Stuff A Lot. In An Ineffective Way. That Only Perpetuates The Hurt. Your Focus Is Your Change Agent. Starting To Realize I Do Need To Change My Focus But Don't Know How. My Being Keeps Bringing It Up Because It Want's It Healed Doesn't It? Been Trying To Embrace The Pain Instead Of Resist And Resent It, It Feels Like That Works Better Than What I Have Been Doing All My Life So Far.
It feels like I was about to throw myself down a dimmer darker and more horrifying abyss than the one I was in before. HUH wow, I‘m in awe. Like you gave me a helping hand and showed me a healthier way to keep going.
Sometimes I feel that more darkness =more light. But once I‘ve tasted the light, I can use it in combination with the old wounds. Then I start healing those parts, & letting them go in peace. So happy to have found your channel Anna (wrote that right hopefully ^.)
Lovely thanks to you! Sending love ❤️
I’m really glad to hear you say both that it’s likely your parents won’t acknowledge or apologize to you for their behavior with you & also that I can heal without that. My mom lives just 10 minutes away & is definitely a part of my life, shuttling my son back & forth for visits with her grandson, being in the same religious congregation. A couple years ago some things she wrote in emails to me brought a realization in me about how I’ve always felt in her presence- that she doesn’t accept me for who I am. & not being handle her aggressive pushiness when she gets something on her mind that’s important to her, even tho these topics are never something that is within her natural boundary to have such a verbal opinion on. I’ve had to put a lot of space between us now in order to protect myself & my emotional health, & now & then I get really sad about it & think wonder to myself if there is a way to talk with her & hope she would see what behaviors of hers hurt me me so much that if she could change them, we could be closer again. But my husbands & close friends have all kept telling me the same as you- that she is who she is, she’s not changing, & talking with her wont’ change that. Sometimes I just have that wishful thinking & imagine her understanding where I’m coming from if I could just explain it. But she actually did express to me that she is not open to hearing that. it’s good for me to periodically be reminded that I don’t need her approval to move past this & to be both happy & not guilt ridden as well for what the relationship is with my mom. Thank you! Your videos are so helpful I’ve said this before but I love so much how you share your own personal challenges you’ve had related to trauma & dysfunction. Blessings to you.
The step dad I got saved us from poverty so he could sexually abuse us. It's a whole lot harder when every life line has an even bigger anchor attached underneath.
That is awful, some of us have so much to overcome....and you can!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Really excellent ending..I have found myself concentrating on people who thought I was wonderful...but at the time the abuse overrode those positive experiences....now think wow I wish I had had a friend ( neighbor, employee, etc) like I was back then.
I've a few conditions and health related illnesses but I'm more than that...I'm also self defining as human with positive agency. You are putting a label on yourself and self sabotaging. Now when I'm company with other addicts in a 12 step meeting I indeed admit my addiction but that's a different thing. I am my past until I'm not however I can't change my past but I can accept it.
The power of Now! This minute is the only one! Thank you for your helpful insights.
I’ve always hated when movies show one big cathartic, dramatic conversation that changed the main character and/or the person who has been traumatizing them, and then that’s that. Life isn’t like that at all. Movies lied to us. When you tell off the abusive person, no matter how profoundly and well thought out you’ve told your truth, they won’t suddenly change and see the light. They’ll double down in denial and manipulative behavior.
From my experience the fear of having no armor was a crippling issue for a long time. Until you have enough safe relationships you don't realize the armor is a lie. The armor is useful up to a limited point, but then it just chokes your life.
Sometimes it's necessary to give background because cptsd from rage in addition to neglect brings panic as well. It's not an identity but rather a contextual background
Thank-you for sharing your stories, Anna. It helps me to relate to, and trust, you. Thank-you, also, for distinguishing the good that has come out of the bad in your childhood. I can see that my childhood served to grow my imagination and creativity, my pitbull tenacity, my resourcefulness, and my sense of humour and play. I will continue to focus on this empowering context. I have tried the writing exercise and meditation and have found both to be helpful. I have slacked off a bit after going gung-ho for the first few days. The writing causes some pain down my writing arm, due to an old injury, so I might be unconsciously protecting myself from that. I attended your live broadcast this past weekend and learned that you recommend writing with a pencil, for the extra friction, because it helps the brain even more. I understand the rationale but will have to forego the pencil, for now, and try to write with a pen for a bit. I am wondering if I misunderstood, but I thought that you gathered your folks for free workshops that are specifically around the writing exercise and that are interactive. I was hoping to receive an email with regard to this. Please let me know if I have misunderstood, or if I can expect to see that email in the future. Thank-you for your good work. It has already contributed to my first comprehensive exam paper on a practical level, helping me to complete the dang thing. And you, and the research behind your podcasts, will contribute to my doctoral dissertation, both theoretically and practically, as my methods are both autoethnographic and arts-based. God bless you and your work 🙏💙🙏
If you signed up for the course, you should receive an email with dates to register soon, you can also email at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com and we can get you the registration link :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank-you Cara!
Tell that to everyone who said my depression is too much for them and left my life.
Great advice! My childhood was laced w/ bipolar mom and a distant father which divorced my mom at age 13. The good was that I had extended family that took me to church with them and introduced me to Christ. With that came a community of support that has been a growing, loving life of wonderful people including my husband! Your episodes have helped me to understand some of the triggers, turmoil and the deregulation of my emotions, and how to work to complete healing! Reading, praying and meditating on Scripture has been a balm to my soul. Thanks for this practical approach to healing from childhood traumas.
This topic breaks my brain. It even irritates and saddens me. I feel gaslit by it. It triggers me. 5mins in and I'm on the verge of frustrated tears right now... I will continue listening before I say anything more...
... I agree with many of the things you've shared. I'm struggling with the general term "don't let it define you", which gratefully you describe the different positive vs negative ways/times to discuss trauma, which I agree with as well.
I've only talked about my issues to get a diagnosis, in talk therapy like this podcast and with an actual therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist or when someone asks me why I behave, think, and feel a certain way. Once I answer, I then often get the reply "don't let that define you", I never say I am PTSD/trauma, but rather I have PTSD/trauma. You say, "trauma is an injury not an identity". I agree. I never say I am a broken leg. Also, as a reply to my explanations, I'm told, "don't play the victim"... 😳 WTHeck!? I feel so belittled by this comment as well as, "that's just an excuse" 😔. I mean, Come On! Who's playing? This is not fun for me. I get No joy in failing society's rules and expectations, being vulnerable, exposing/discussing all that shames me, ridicule, belittlement, being afraid 90% of the time and not being able to leave my house. Panic attacks, insomnia and migraines are.not.fun. To say I can't run because I have a broken leg is Not an excuse, it is the Reason. My abilities are not the same as anyone else's.
I don't know what's worse; being patronized by people when asked what my issue is or being negatively judged by someone who clearly has no understanding of me (not accusing you of this). More often than not, I feel like I'm walking on the "egg shells" of, 'I am wrong/doomed if I do and I am wrong/doomed if I don't'.
Once upon a therapist, I was asked to describe who I was/am. This is how I described myself: I am a parent, daughter, sister, friend, student, christian. The therapist proceeded to explain to me that those are just titles and do not answer/explain "who I am". I cocked my head to the side, shrugged my shoulders and at the time admitted that I did not know any other way to answer their question. My point being, I never identified myself nor described myself with all the bad things that have happened to me and therefore did not define myself as traumatized nor by the consequential mental and emotional symptoms.
I want to learn, heal, grow change, do and be better. However, at present, my mental illness/disability/trauma I Have is the biggest explanation why I am or am not measuring up to people's expectations. You even said it yourself, Anna, in the episode before this one, "Trauma suppresses who you really are". For the most part PTSD especially CPTSD is an invisible disability. So I don't understand how I can explain my disability (to those asking) without being accused of defining myself by it. No one ever asks me why I am able to do something, but rather seek understanding by asking me why I struggle to do or be.
Thank you to those of you who took the time to hear me out 💙
A much needed video!! Thank you.
Thank you Anna for clarifying the journey; as being a balance of negative events as well as some smattering of miracle “people angels” in there, and focusing on positive experiences that bring meaning to our suffering. In my case in was my grandparents on my mothers side that created a safe place to hide from co-dependent narcissist parents! Yikes. I survived because of angels in physical form. 👼 🌈 👴 👵
Love it.
Thank you, so much, for kindly -but consistently- sharing the TRUTH!! And things I would not have seen on my own. Bless you, because your help is a major blessing. in my life at least. :)
But I'm still trying to heal and it is really hard. So I do identify as a trauma survivor for now bc it's the main focus of my life. Someday I hope to make it my history.
I wish someone had told me this in my early twenties. I used my trauma as an excuse too often, but I wasn't working to heal myself. I've only been doing the daily practice for a few days and it has really stopped my mind from replaying those negative thoughts.
Excellent, practical advice! Very well-rounded explanation. Thank you 💕
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was one of my favorites . What an incredible video. I will watch this one several times. I can't thank you enough for your work!!
Glad you enjoyed it so much. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you for your videos. I’m new to your channel and can relate to everything you say. I’m 60 years old and have been feeling like an angry immature adults for years, even after going thru therapy for the last 15. Thanks again!
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I always find your videos so clear to understand. Just a compliment for you today and a thank you.
Glad you like them. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I've allowed it to be my identity.
Totally what I need to hear and to continue to feed to my brain. Thank you!!
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you....I especially needed this today.
This was incredibly well done Anna. Fantastic information for people trying to get past traumatic memories and the repercussions. Excellent!
Glad you enjoyed the info. Thanks for watching.. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thanks for this, Anna.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Loving the idea of having agency in the Present moment!
Thank you so much 💝
It's the right time for me to watch this.
A few minutes ago I got sad because I thought my steps were too small for having done something...
...though I was glad I did...
Now I'm comforted... 🙏
I'm on the way to healing I think...
...Hopefully.
Also with your support. 🦋
Greetings from Northern Germany 🌊🧜♀️
I think the reason I hold on to my trauma is because a few people have told me I should write a book about my experiences. To turn it into something purposeful, to maybe help others. But because of my CPTSD + possibly undiagnosed ADHD, my memory was affected so severely, that now my timeline is full of huge gaps where memories should be.
And I am having a hard time putting those pieces together to form an actual story.
So in a sense, I hold on to my trauma as a formative part of my story and identity, in the hopes that I don't lose that story to the hungry void that lives in the back of my mind.
I strongly feel that until I get that book out there, I won't yet be truly free to let go of my pain, as it's my only link to that story.. 😑
What about accountability? It shouldn't be on the victim to do all the work (in addition to all of life's normal stressors). If the victim has to accept certain things about themselves others need to accept things about the victim. For example my sibling's and I were separated and sent to different foster homes even though we were told if we get in the car they would keep us together. That's traumatic, the perpetrators (govt) were never held accountable. If I have to accept that they aren't going to cover my therapy, time off of work for therapy, and making me whole; govt (perpetrators) need to accept that I will never again obey lockdowns, mask mandates, curfews etc. People want the power over you but they don't want the accountability for when their decision causes damage.
This was heartbreaking to read, and I feel so sorry for you, but what you are showing is bitterness. And being bitter is like drinking poison every morning and hoping someone else will die from it. Freeing yourself from the thought that someone or something owe you, will in fact; set you free.
I'm sorry for what happened to you but it is YOUR life. Waiting for people to accept accountability is how you waste your life.
@@adshar20000 it's just a small part of me not the whole thing I'm not really waiting on it to happen (though it would be nice). But that's part of where I get my mistrust of authority from. Others will just have to accept that of me and my reaction to certain things. If people don't like it maybe we'll come to some kind of compromise maybe not. It is what it is I try not to dwell on it too much.
@@karinsolli9581 NOT helpful...this person IS INJURED and is attempting to rehabilitate that injury ..it is like being thrown in a swimming pool at midnight...you KNOW there are steps or a ladder somewhere and until the light comes up and you can swim to one of them...you are safest feeling your way along the tiles and holding on to the edge...
You may be hungry or cold or exhausted...but it is not safe to launch out in the dark...
EVERYONE IS AT A DIFFERENT POINT
@@dotsyjmaher I understand where you're coming from but I've wasted many of my good years identifying with the trauma i experienced. I now have an autoimmune issue going on. Dwelling on it will literally kill you in the long run.
Thanks very much for this reminder. Excellent 👍
Glad the reminder was helpful for you. Thanks for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This was good stuff Anna.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Thank you.
Man this is a new favourite CCF video
Best video yet. ❤️ Thank you as always
Thanks so much for your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so very much for your straightforward information! I so enjoy your videos. They have been very helpful to me.
Glad you like them!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna. You truly do have a gift.
You are so welcome
-Cara@TeamFairy
Aww. I thought I was speaking to Anna.
Yes. Truth.