Stop second guessing why you fought for your kids
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- čas přidán 3. 07. 2024
- Stop second guessing why you fought for your kids
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Thanks for all that you do.
Even the smallest positive effort makes a difference in the growth of a child ! It’s all worth it !
Thank you for the support Warrior80! The hard and sad part about this is we have to wait to ultimately see the success we've had with the kids.
Incredible timing, mate. Really. Still up pondering this exact thing after another court session today.
2 years in and have the same intention I held at the start.
Wrestled with the hopelessness, well and truly reflected on where I'm sitting and if it will even make a difference when their all grown up. Hell in a hundred years, no, it won't matter to anyone what we've put ourselves through as fathers, but I made the choice, knowing that in years to come my kid will know I never gave up on her. If that means something to her, then it can only be a good thing.
We can only hope it sets a good standard for future generations.
Honestly I don't think people understand the impact of never giving up. I've spoken with people, in real life, where their kids when they got older felt like they gave up on them. I mean there can come a time for your own sanity - and life - that you have to walk away but *trying* does make a difference. I could have walked away many times...
You get to a point where you’re just spinning your wheels. My kids were turned against me so going to court was pointless. My children wanted nothing to do with me because of all the poison the ex and family put in them. So going to court spending money putting myself through hell for 3 years was torture. Even though my children turned their backs on me I still fought. Now it’s been a year since our last hearing. And things have gotten better. I do have another family that I neglected during my custody battle. And I feel I owe them so much for neglecting them. My children from the first marriage know I love them and I’m always here for them.
Going through the same thing and there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s against the grandparents. About to drop more $ for the Attorney. Not fun. Will they realize as an adult that I never gave up? Will it make a difference? Attorneys are definitely getting their payday. Good luck with your case. It’s definitely an equal world out there.
Thanks Duane. I have been with you for last 3 years. You and your videos helped me when I was in a very dark place and I didn't see a way out. Your content makes people survive.
Sorry you've had to go through this Filip but that right there is the reason I made the channel and I keep doing it (even if I've slowed down a bit).
I spent nearly twenty years looking after two kids .I did so much for them,its all forgotten now.They have their own lives now I am estranged ,nothing to offer them now .
Right? It’s fucked.
Great discussion ! This hits me in the heart. I lived in regrets if I could’ve done more. I know I’ve done everything I could do. Spending 4 years fighting. 30k lawyers fees. Constant false accusations. Dragged through the mud. But once I decided to walk away and let it go things have gotten better. This is a message to everyone going through hell right now. It does get better if you allow it to get better. I chose to work hard on myself and filter the negativity from my life. I know people that became alcoholics after similar issues. Choose the correct path for yourself and embrace the change, embrace the things that didn’t go your way. Disappointment is sometimes part of your path. But there are better days ahead.
Thanks!
Honestly man the thing you said that makes all the difference is "and let it go" is the key. You do the best you can and once you have decided there is no where else to go you have to let it go to get to the other side of it. The more you hold on the more it holds on to you...
Thanks 🙏🏽
@@DSD absolutely, you do the best you can do and sometimes it’s destiny for things to go a certain direction. Letting go of what’s holding you back from happiness and peace is crucial. Always leave a door open for the kids if they ever want to communicate. But starting the healing process is necessary. It will always hurt to a certain extent but bettering yourself and leveling up for one day your kids will reach out to you and you’ll be in a better position than before,
I've been fighting for 10 years. I will never give up. The Narc did the same thing with another baby daddy and their joint kid died thinking his dad didn't care because he gave up the fight. That won't be my fate - EVER. The worst advice I was ever given was, "give her the kids and kiss her ass". I tried that. It didn't work. So, now I KNOW that the only way out is through. She's going to have to kill me before I quit. And even then, my soul will come back and haunt that crazy B.
Good for you - the part where you mentioned the other kid passing away thinking his dad didn't care. I really struggled with that when I was a kid. I didn't understand the "game" my mom was playing and I didn't understand why my dad didn''t care about me. He did he was just blocked from it and my mom weaponized it... Hmm, maybe that is the reason I have fought so hard throughout all of this... Plus I was always remembered what my dad did with me - that didn't work - and tried different things to reconnect with my kids. The only way the "give her the kids and kiss her ass" ever works is IF/WHEN they are NOT disordered - if they are it doesn't matter what you do they will never give you a benefit for being a good guy. I learned that the hard way myself. LOL love the "come back and haunt" comment! I can absolutely relate to that - I think I might have even said that way back when to a few people!
Im a step mom ,,, hearing this is helpful , thank you 🙏🏼
Thankyou. I really needed this video. Just been annhiliated in court. Complete character assassination, despite being the stay at home parent for my kids. The lies and allegations have been horrible. Trying to lick my wounds and carry on, but its hard.
Have you completely lost? I had another father a couple years back in your situation in New York. This was back when I was doing the daily and weekly live shows. He was told at every step of the way there was no way he was going to get 50/50 and he'd be lucky to get 80/20 - we keep him on track and he got 50/50. But I understand the annihilation in/with court...
A lot of us have brother, it’s ok man sometimes god destroys your plans because your plans were going to destroy you.
And the way they write the orders when you’re the one who took them to court and filed a motion. An 8 hour court day and the next day completely broke down.
After 5 years, I’m still jumping through flaming hoops to do everything I can to minimize the damage from the ex and keep my kids from ending up in the position I’m in - or that the (likely) borderline ex is in.
I still struggle to find the “sweet spot” of taking care of my own needs and helping my kids navigate the minefield they’re growing up in. During the 50% custody I have of my kids I’m great, but when they go to their mom’s, it’s too easy to fall back in the trenches with shell shock.
I’m a lot better than I was, but there are miles of room for growth. Stay strong, everybody!!!
Great topic...fighting for primary custody, getting it, and then raising my son...is by far the best thing I have ever done in my life. When I grow up, I want to be just like him!
That is the best case scenario Father X - and I think if a person can focus their approach they can prevail.
Duane
Hey Buddy ! Have a great holiday weekend.. get that Grill lit up with someJohn Cougar Mellencamp cranked up in the background. Ain't that America!!!!!
We all have so much to be Thankful for ... especially This channel !! Don't let " "These People" steal your joy .. Just remember you are not alone ! Stay strong everyone
Thanks so much Dan! I think Debby and I are going to spend a night staring at the stars (at least on Saturday). Then I might being roped into a senior friend group camping trip for the kids - on Sunday
Don't give up guys. Nowadays court defaults to joint physical custody, no matter how many stunts the ex pulls. Hang on there, the process is lengthy but temporary.
It wasn't a default to joint custody. I've been fighting for 10 years. And, yes. It's still worth it. I will NEVER give up on my kids.
That is become more common but there are still a lot of places where you have to fight to get it. I think nowadays it's like this - if it doesn't default (for temp orders) to 50/50 you have to keep pushing for it. Then it will end up that way. That was how it worked out in my situation. It would be MUCH better if it defaulted to that because then an ex could play their games to try and get more time but at least you're not forced to pay to get equal time...
What are you at now @Eric Gavidia?
Courts don't automatically default to joint custody, including in Australia.
They really should Catherine... At least that way they default to even and then if someone wants to fight to take time away fine... Instead of this crap where you have to spend thousands of dollars going back and forth to court to try and claw back time... I have one client that is already 700k into attorney fees and the ex keeps filing emergency motions trying to force custody changes...
Glad you are here for others that are currently going through the things you have been through. Figure you have helped thousands feel heard, understood, and validated, and you've helped them avoid some of the shortfalls and overreactions.
I’m going through this now. I have guilt, question myself, I lost everything and I’m stuck on what ifs.
You are the best on CZcams, because with our Kids..
Thanks so much Domi! Maybe when I kick-start the channel CZcams will agree with you! (September is almost here!)
Thank you for this video.
you are very welcome Lee - hang in there!
I go to court tomorrow to fight my mother and my ex again. I'm about done after 7 years of this.
Man it really sucks when your own family gets on team ex - I know that feeling. Hope it goes well today Devon.
7 years? 7 years the Attorneys got a payday? It’s so terrible.
I've been struggling with this myself for the past few years. My 2 Daughters 23 & 24 are living with me and are exhibiting behaviours that really trigger me reminding me of my Experience with their Narcissistic Mother. I've been hesitant to throw them out bc I love them and don't think they're capable of providing for themselves just yet and their Mother and her Family will not lifet a finger or open their doors for them. They think I'm obligated to pay all the bills and tolerate their Disrespect and Condescending way they address me and bc their Baseline of how to treat me is so low (Learned From their Mother) it's offensive to them when I correct them or enforce my boundaries. I have to say I'm not proud of it but part of me feels like it is a lost cause and I catch myself regretting just living my life and not going through all the BS I did just to stay in their lives.
Listen, you adults can’t deal with these idiots. As kids we had NO agency whatsoever and if it traumatized the hell out of YOU, what do you think it did to us?! Your young adult offspring are psychosocially arrested in their development secondary to the trauma of growing up with a parent who is (abusive, manipulative, sadistic, nasty, predator/parasite) crazy, for lack of a better word. Let them get offended-so what? They’re not immune from life’s responsibilities or accountability for their behavior. Enforce your Boundaries. Use declarative sentences-just like ya do with little kids. And remember:
-Boundaries without consequences are vibrations in air screaming “Negotiations are now open.” That’s what they hear.
-If you need to evict them, so be it.
-Why are you paying their bills? Unless there’s a huge emergency, at this age it’s ridiculous. And enabling for them, self-defeating for you.
-The end of this story has not been written.
I promise, this is gonna get different once you stop negotiating every last “thou shall not” and ACT ON YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Of course there will be push back. What else would you expect from a tantruming toddler? *Why is it so important to YOU to have them like you?* Little kids routinely scream “I hate you mommy/daddy!” And they get over it and we don’t take it personally. You can do the *enabling thing* that got you right where you are or you can evict them because at this stage, it’s gonna take a truly nonnegotiable boundary commitment on your part. They’re far more capable than you realize. And BTW we’re human, we have a conscience and we all have regrets ;-) Good luck. You can do this! Just remember you’re dealing with emotional 2/3 yr. olds in oversized bodies. BUT the world doesn’t cut us a break because we had abusive mommy-dearests and your job is to raise them to INdependence, not foster DEpendence.
@@tundrawomansays694 I agree we've gone over it they were supposed to be out in June which is a few days away. They aren't ready and didn't save any $. It's important for Me bc I didn't have My Father growing up and always wanted to be a good Dad. Thank you
Well I was going to respond then I read what @TundraWoman said and that is pretty much the same thing. Start setting and holding boundaries. If they do not adjust their behavior you are NOT required to spend the rest of your life in a nightmare scenario. You can have compassion (I sure know I have) BUUUUUT that doesn't give them permission to treat you life that for ever.
@@DSD Thank you for all you do. It sounds worse than it is now when I put it in writing but from when they graduated 4 & 5 years ago til now the amount of confrontations and for lack of a better word arguments we've had to get them to this point has been an uphill battle. I am done though bc on top of all the debt and difficulty their mother made I'm still carrying them and that part sucks.
I read this and thought I could have written this .My kids have treated me with total disrespect for years until finally i thought this is not worth .I realise they are damaged from the divorce ,but so am I .i think as my marriage I handled it poorly ,hindsight is easy
thanks for this!! appreciated much!! all the best for you!
You're very welcome! Hang in there man!
Winning doesnt mean you walk away unscathed. Winning means youre still standing once the dust settles. Sometimes, all you can do is survive. But, as long as you breath, you fight. You improve your life and your situation.
Perfectly articulated. Your experience mirrors my own so closely, almost word for word. Thank you for sharing. 🌟
Make peace with knowing that the system is designed for Dads to lose. Accept it. Go on with whatever you have left after the court system chews you up. Build what you can out of the ashes.
That's crazy talk...
Not true. It’s designed for the non-custodial parent to lose and when you don’t have a bad history or criminal history and can work, a payday is all the court system cares about. There’s a thing called Parent Alienation; I learned this from a forensic examiner who talks to families going through custody cases.
This is a really heart-to-heart topic. Only the individual going through this can make the best decision for them. My case was very grim at first. Ex had protection order against me and didn't let me see or talk to the kids for over 3 months. Once divorce proceedings began it took a long time to convince the judge I'm not a threat to the kids and still had to go through a graduated parenting time adjustment, all on baseless allegations. It's ridiculous and heartbreaking. And infuriating. However, after the year long custody battle I ended up with 50/50 physical custody and final say on my kids education. Everything else is joint decision making with neither having final say. My kids are young so there will be future custody battles unfortunately. But if, you're being falsely accused, freaken fight for your kids the best you can. Leverage the rules of evidence in your jurisdiction to make your ex substantiate their allegations. Stay strong and have hope. Take the higher road and stay patient.
If you truly ask yourself "what is truly best for my kids" you will find yourself questioning your decision. I couldn't bring myself to start fresh and move on...I couldn't even be certain that a new situation would end any better... most likely it would but its still a gamble....it felt selfish as well. also, currently I have not been able to completely lose ALL hope. If your child knew nothing more than knowing you tried your absolute best with your resources to be in their life may be enough.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this right now.
Raw video mate... Thankyou... You looked emotional in this one... Understandable too... I semi tapped out several years ago with a hostile bitter ex... I still kept contact but she poisoned the girls who no longer really talk to me... Still not sure if it was the right decision at the time but I had to do it... Thanks...
Was it worth it? Absolutely!
I told my ex spouse that she was free to leave but she needed to give me full custody of the children. I’m very very lucky and blessed that I got what I wanted without a fight from the narcissist. Maybe because she thinks I’m a weak individual and needed her.
And now that I have full custody, I’m never allowing her to see the children again or at least making it very difficult.
So You can see that this is how she’s also thinking if you don’t have any custody. You’re on the screwd end of things.
I know friends who fought everything just for an extra day with their child. I tell him that he must! Because she’s going to make it difficult for you. So you need to go full on and fight fire with fire.
Don’t give up on your kids.. no matter narcissistic or not. Even the smallest time spent with them has the biggest impact
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
Thanks, bruv!
Thanks Mike for the support that is very much appreciated! 👍🏻
Thank you 🙏
💚💟💚
You are so welcome
I think 'fight' may be the wrong word. I think it's what my own father taught me: "pick your battles". Will your fatherhood be ruined... sure... you just have to accept that and move on (be the best father you can be and particularly when you have the opportunity to be). You may get redemption _but_ that's for 'you' and not the kids and I'd attest that doesn't matter (aka: not a battle to 'pick'). All that matters is the kids and their best interests. Once they turn 18 it's all voluntary but until then it's 'duty' (to them). The kids have their childhood ruined when the mother 'cancels' the dad's fatherhood.
You have to think what 'battles' will you pick. For me, despite constant provocations, I don't take the bate. If you've ever dealt with bully's, the first 'rule' is never gratify a bully. I take my losses _but_ I never react in anyway that gratifies those provocations (I react very privately and talk to my pastor and others I have confidence in... never let on to Mom that I'm affected at all).
My daughter became a teenager and despite all the effort I made to be a part of my daughter's life a quite unexpected thing happened. What was that? My daughter was 'kicked out' (by mom) and I picked her up kept my frame and 'still' not taking up battling with her mother. She's been living with me full time ever since.
It never occurred to me that despite, given my daughter living with easily the most uncooperative person and the master purveyor of manufacturing conflict, actually resulted in driving a rift between her and her daughter (aka: in the 'narcs grip'). Am I 'happy' about that? No. My daughter deserves both parents _but_ I can't change that. It's just a different struggle. I used to think that I will continue my duty (even if futile) until my daughter turns 18. After that, her mom can't 'take my child away' anymore. Only my child can do that (at that point). It's all about the future. Eventually, your kids will have the choice after 18 _if_ they want to 'deal' with either parent (and I want to be that parent they want to deal with and same goes for the other parent _if_ that's a battle they 'pick').
Hey! Thanks for your authenticity. Spirit!❤
Thanks for the continued support Domi!
Preach! great video
Thanks so much @Untamed Zilla! Thanks for the continued support!
Thanks Duane. Another great post. So spot on with what you said and what goes through our head at time about what we could've or should've done differently.
The difficult - well one of the difficult parts about this is you can't really say how you're feeling and what you're going through with most people. So you can be left feeling like you are a bad person for feeling emotionally defeated. A lot of people if you expressed your "concerns" will respond with "how could you ever think that" or some other response that just doesn't help... Hope you're doing okay Chris!
Thanks!
Thank you so much for the support @Kizmetification! I really appreciate it!
It's impossible to know what you're doing is always right or good..or how it will affect your kids...I try my best to open and honest with them..and allow them to express love or other feelings towards all of the people and situations in the mix...
Standing ovation for you, Ms. Hale! Over time, the kids will see where all the drama, all the nasty, denigrating stories etc. are coming from. Much respect.
Being a Monday morning Quarterback is a time tested tradition. If it was easy more than 10 % of Dads would have full custody. The deck is stack against us. The road is seemingly insurmountable. Just keep saying " They are worth it "
I’m not going to lie I’m not even a year in yet. But I’ve come to reality and after nearly 10k spent, when the judge rules whatever she does. I’m taking it as law and not fighting it. I have enough proof to show to my daughter years down the line if she ever questions my love but I’m damn near on the edge of filing bankruptcy.
Lost my apartment, living in my moms living room. Nearly lost my car multiple times. It’s time to call it quits.
Nah. Someone told me going through mine of 3.5 yrs. Death smiles at us all and all we can do is smile back. Win rebuild be better
Great
I dont have any kids and i am with my loving wife of some 26 years but listening to this makes me realize how tough life is. As we grow older, our problems become more complicated. Also, we make them complicated ! Too much analysing, too much blaming. I do the same. Over thinking everything instead of just living.
I chose not to fight for my kids and I’ve never regretted it. I’m still their father and the best example I can set is to put myself in a position to not have to engage with and battle their mother. I’m leading the way. What they do with that is up to them.
The ex accused me of “taking the easy way out,” to which I replied “I have taken the only way out.” She really wanted an endless battle while she continues with her adulterous lover, and walking away ruined it for her.
I hear you on that one...
You’ll always be their father, and they will realize you’re the better parent as they get older. I stopped fighting after 3 years and all my finances were drained. Sometimes you have to step back and let the $hit play out.
Hey Dsd, do you anticipate your ex trying to mess with you after the last kid is out? I have a long ways to go since my kids are so young but I feel like my ex is still going to do everything in her power to pester me after the kids are out.
Maybe, there are some issues that are still open that would increase risk - BUT - with no more custody orders and child support not sure what she could do. The biggest thing I anticipate is the continued effort to try and turn the kids against me but I’ve thwarted that for the last 12 years. I suppose that would depend on if I let my guard down with the kids and her. The will probably be some alimony drama and I’m still formulating a plan on that BUT honestly I want to enjoy some down time with this (and traveling in my truck)before I light that match…
@@DSD lol I dont blame you. I myself have a crafty narc of an ex and wonder what crap she will pull after the kids are 18. Maybe Ill change my name🤔😄
There are horrible ex-partners out there. I chose to not fight. I chose to give the legal funds to the ex and kids instead of lawyers. With that I still have interaction with my kids. I will not describe my strategy, publicly, until my kids are 18. "not being combative" is not giving up in the long run. Here's an analogy: You can yank a small kid back from trying to touch a hot, shiny, motorcycle exhaust pipe. Potentially dislocating the kids arm. After all that is over, you're a monster for hurting the child and the kid still goes back to try to touch another hot, shiny, motorcycle exhaust pipe. OR. You tell the kid no. But they have the freedom to experience and burn the tip of their finger, touching it. Same goes for identifying disordered personalities.
That's an approach and if you can maintain a relationship with the kids it could be a winning strategy - in your case it sounds like it is. Not sure now close you are to the kids being 18 but I would definitely like to chat with you about your strategy - drop me an email and if you're up for it we can do a zoom call.
Nothing fixes it. Life completely is a scam
What she fucked up 😂
Yeah, wasn't sure if I should've said that!