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Instagram Live with Stephanie Foo and Jacob Ham
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- čas přidán 7. 03. 2022
- In celebration of Stephanie's new memoir about complex trauma, What My Bones Know, which has me in it for a couple of chapters as her capstone therapist, we have an honest talk about her healing journey.
Dear Jacob, you are a gift to humanity. Thank you
"I'm so proud of you girl," 🥺 I cried during a few parts of the book, one of them was the interactions with Dr. Ham. The parenting, and care and nurture built touched my heart. Everyone deserves that in therapy. ❤
I have both the book and the audiobook. Amazing. Thank you for sharing your story and writing your book. Thank you both for this heart healing talk.
Thank you
This morning I watched this for the second time and even the second time around, it’s so overwhelmingly profound that I’m still rendered unable to form the words I want to say to express my gratitude for each of these 65 minutes. In lieu of a well-organized statement, here are some of my favorite moments. I’ve sent this video to about 10 of my closest friends and family members so if they are reading this comment and want the time stamped highlights, these are mine as of 3/9/22:
19:04 rupture repair therapy (which involves categorizing movements as toward or away from the other person, catching the moments of avoidance, and repairing them)
22:58 “I can’t abide by your dissociation taking over your authenticity”
33:04 we have to have that place where I say You know what? I messed up. AND I’m a good person. Let’s look into why I did it. Let’s be curious. And let’s be curious about we can do better next time.
-even that’s too intellectual
Sit in the pain of remorse and contrition. I screwed up again ugh that hurts. I hate messing up. I hate making my friends angry at me. Sit in the fullness of that pain. Then start being like “it’s ok, it’s ok, I love you nonetheless.” And then after you do that for a while, ok let’s figure out how to do this differently.
45:20 things to practice without a therapist
51:11 why it’s more important to look for beauty rather than truth
Truth is sterile
Beauty is a state of wonder, awe, profundity, complexity, a transcendence of ego
56:02 tears are a signal of relational intent “I want to be closer to you” or “I want you to be closer to me”
Thank you so much Stephanie and Dr. Ham! To date I’ve purchased every available format of this book (audiobook blows me away with the therapy sessions) and will buy more to share with friends. So, so grateful for the work that each of you does and for the courage to share it with the world! Beautiful. Really awe-inspiring!
Thank you so so much! And thanks for highlighting these great parts.
💚
Dr Ham, I just discovered your videos. I love them!! Please do more!
Two years ago I wouldn’t have understood most of this magical interview. But then I crossed paths with the most gifted therapist who is similar to Dr Ham in being instinctively led while highly trained. For the first time in my late forties I’ve begun to trust that somebody is on my team and really cares about me getting better. I worry very much for those who can’t afford therapy or stay stuck with the wrong therapist. But things are changing fast and I hope to see this change happen in my lifetime. Stephanie’s memoir is so affirming and Dr Ham is single handedly changing therapy as a profession.
Stephanie your parents and mine seemed like they’re cut from the same cloth, and we share quite a few similarities in terms of how we coped with the impossible.
I’ve been in therapy and desperately seeking ways to heal myself since my 20s. I remember feeling similarly frustrated at how difficult it is to heal and how little progress I seem to be making. It really is two steps forward, 1.8 steps back kind of slow and there is no magic bullet, just tons of led bullets that one has to practice repeatedly.
Now in my 40s, I can look back and conclusively say that yes, the work is difficult and slow, but man, what a difference it has made, and I am so glad to have gone on the healing journey.
Truly, what choice do we have but to do the work if we want to feel better?
Thank you for writing the book; I have no doubt your work will free many.
Absolutely superb. Wounded healers healing the world, revealing the awe-inspiring truth of who we are. Humbling. Connecting to the pain, joy, the survival of all of it…You help me feel triumphant…It is the hero's journey complete. You give me permission to step out as a wounded healer and survivor, thriver, superstar. Thank you from the bottom of my wounded heart xox
Love...
I want to thank Stephanie for writing her book and for also showing me the way to Dr. Ham! I was led to your book and checked it out of the library. I don't like to buy books so much, but I had to have my own copy of yours. The first part didn't traumatize me at all, because it was so terrible that I just felt very sad for you and mad at your parents. But I was actually feeling the trauma from the rest of the story. Your search to heal, because I resonated with that part. I also want to thank Dr. Ham for his insight that little traumas are even harder, because you don't see them. I'm 60 years old and just now seeing mine and understanding why I have been living in sympathetic mode my entire life. Thank you both again for sharing! There is hope :)
Creating "bridges" instead of "walls" with ourselves and with others. Thank you, Stephanie Foo and Dr. Jacob Ham. 🙏
thank you
I still can’t explain how amazing this book is!!! I feel so with you on the hundreds of ways I’ve tried to “heal”. This book is amazing and not once was I bored. Thank you for this!!! 😭😭😭
Yesterday I was diagnosed with PTSD and it was like everything made more sense in my life...
You’re so grateful to her. I’m glad you cried so I could hear that
I am very happy that Stephanie Foo found Dr. Ham. She deserves to heal. My heart broke for her, and I'm so happy she has found peace. As heartbroken as I was to hear the comment Dr. Ham made about Borderline Personality Disorder and as dangerous as it was to allow it into the audiobook, I am grateful because now I know where I stand with one of the best Therapists in the country and therefore with the majority of humanity. Information is the most valuable asset when planning for the future.
I don’t know why I’m a year late into this. Completed audio listening to the book and have to come to CZcams to hear the interaction.
So much love and healing in this interaction.
Stephanie, thank you for having the courage to tell your story … which is a story reflecting many people’s life experience … and the peaks and valleys you go through for the medicine.
You… and Dr. Ham… are inspirations !!!
I am listening to Stephanie’s audiobook and in it she shares some snippets from her sessions with Dr. Hem. He’s kind but not passive, he digs in
Stephanie is an extraordinary writer. She writes about her boss at This American Life
my favorite podcast
how he continuously criticized her work and how she felt triggered and small from this while producing 80 percent of its’
shows.
Made me wonder if this was Ira, don’t think it was?
Thank you so much Stephanie and Dr. Ham
I’m 60 am an ethical vegan, animal activist, my mother tortured me my entire life including turning my four children who all have children against me, and allowed her friends to sexually abuse me and laughed about it,
I’ve never had real friends, am numbed out, I teach yoga and am studying tai chi to teach. I studied in my undergrad theater and literature in order to teach juvenile delinquents and prisoners. My last day in this terrible world that humans have created will be my best. I’m alive for my three stray dogs.
💚
My God but you have already lived a full life - four children, your dogs, yoga, degrees. Why not find a somatically trained therapist and reclaim your life? You’ve been a good person; now it’s time to feel good. I say this as somebody who’s been brought back from the brink myself. Sending ❤
Can you please write about the steps to take to heal? There is so much information and it would be so helpful to see how to implement it all. Pretty please.
You have such a gift!
U guys are adorable together and such a wholesome bunch:) Dr. Ham is refreshingly honest and tough but so loving, and so humble. Thanks for a great conversation with lots of takeaway lessons.
Thank you!
Thank you both of you for this. I’ve only just found you: first you, Dr. Ham, and then you, Stephanie (through the podcast ‘Being Well). I’ve already listened to the interview with Dr. Ham three or four times. I find it immensely regulating, not just because of its content and how supportive it is to learn more about this subject, but also because it feels validating and confirming to be able to add another person, or two people, to my group of ‘safe people’ who make me feel a sense of belonging (even though I haven’t met them in person).
I don’t know where I would be, or if I would be, without these kinds of resources - - it genuinely is solely through podcasts and videos like these, and Instagram, that I have been able to learn enough to begin to heal myself and voice what I think I need help with. (It has been very hard to make myself read and learn about this in a ‘normal’ way. Often it has been too activating and I have had to resort to audiobooks, podcasts, and CZcams videos).
Loved this interview and your interactions!!! I was laughing and crying!! Thanks for sharing. So many takeaways and ah ha moments!!! Thank you both!!! I read the audiobook and listened to the third section again!!! So good!!
Thank you so much for the book and the talk. I'm beginning to see the light. I've gained many helpful insights into my own trauma.
You are so welcome
@@JacobHamPhD where can I contact you email instagram snapchat fb anything anywhere
You’re doing important work. It’s been extremely helpful in giving me direction on my journey to heal.
That's very reinforcing. Thank you.
I wish there was more of your time together in the book! That was my favorite part.
This Beauty feeling. You are describing what I am calling Soul. That was my breakthrough. xx
Thank you for sharing your journey and for both of you explaining how you healed. It is very helpful. Best of luck in the future!!
Thank you! You too!
I love this - I’m crying too 🥲
Your book is amazing!!
It really is!
16:39 Yes! I’ve been processing my trauma and this was what I believed to as well. The safe space is an authentic space where we are upfront with how we feel. And i want that when im talking with people. Whenever I smell BS that just shuts me up. But when people just say out what they feel im ok. I only noticed this a few day ago. This sums up what ive been processing really well.
I’m at page 285 in Steph’s book and am enjoying this section the most. I’m learning SO MUCH MORE about our CPTSD condition. Thank you to both of you. ❤
Cripes....5 minutes in and this is soooo relatable. Looking forward to listening.
Dear Stephanie and Dr. Ham, I am so excited you two found each other! Congrats on the book Stephanie. It's been so helpful listening to someone doing real healing work. I just got to the part in the book where you start working with Dr. Jacob Ham. So refreshing to see this effective pyschotherapy modelled by Dr. Ham. I didn't know talk therapy could be this helpful. I love how vulnerable and honest you are with Stephanie, and how this might help her trust you to call her out and analyze behavior. Now I know what to look for in a therapist.
You two have an amazing dynamic. Love watching this video. Thank you so much for it.
Thank you. Maybe some day we'll do a podcast together.
Hello to you both, Stephanie and Dr Jacob- thank you for putting this on CZcams. I’m working up to the audio book. Listening to this again. Each time I hear more and also I am so soothed by hearing some things again. I am thinking and feeling about Bones. - Very recently I was at an art workshop. Based on an exhibition called- Bones in the Attic- women artists; themes about women’s experiences and difficult experiences. The woman’s experience of harm and put down and limiting in life mostly by men. There was an exercise invitation to write a very short piece about anything and share. Lots of talent and evocative stories. Mine was done very quickly and a total first attempt for me. I’m putting a bit of here. It was, I thought/ felt received as controversial- . That is when I mapped it up to other broader discussions. It is my truth. I’ve been exhausted since- I know this is in my journey. There is so much you are saying here Dr Jacob. I imagine many other people are also helped. These are the bookends of my piece of writing- the middle piece was a few sentences of mind rambling of what I was looking at. I have no idea if anyone will see this here- it is my truth. My ugly truth. Doesn’t make me ugly, yet why do I feel I need say this? Not unique to me, but seems to be a real stumbling block for thinking, listening women to hear. “Women hurt women. Women hurt children. Women who hurt who know what they are doing. Women who hurt who are enabled to hurt. Women who hurt who are ignored as they hurt. ~~~~We are all bones. The bones in the attic. The bones ground down. The bones eaten by the dogs. The bones that stay in the crematory urn. The bones that hold us up living.” Stephanie, Wishing you continued healing and health. Your book, written and audio is a very important piece of work. Wishing all well on their healing journey.
I just discovered your book, it is wonderfully painful and healing, thank you very much Stephanie
This is incredible. I can see how the rupture repair is happening. Amazing.
Thank you again Dr. Ham for another useful video! I have been meaning to study the work of Marshall Rosenberg (PhD). I think we can, as humans, connect to each other better by talking to one another more skillfully as Marshall Rosenberg outlines in his book Non-Violent Communication. I have a viseral feeling on matters of 'truth' because I've been gaslit many times by people who I trusted to tell me the truth that finding truth delights and excites me and comforts me and reassures me that whatever I build on the 'truth' will be better than anything I build on a bed of lies. No truth, no justice. But I see your point about beauty. And I see your point about having an embodied experience. Thank you so much for these helpful videos.
Hi Stephanie Foo, a friend recommended you book to me and said it was one of the best books on trauma that she had read. I have to agree. Your story was painstakingly hard to read because of the terrible things your parents did and of some parallels to my own story. I loved latter part of the book where your weave your healing journey with research. Thanks Dr Ham for this channel and for being brave enough to be vulnerable.
I don’t share many clips but I share yours.
Thanks for sharing your gifts with me.
Thank you for the book and this conversation! I'm so grateful to have found you both!
Foo and Ham ❤
Thank you Stephanie for making this video and for your remarkable book.
I love all of the rupture and repair focus Jacob and I love the clarity around a need to find beauty over truth, truth being sterile, academic…beauty being a state of wonder…. awe. Where there is pain and joy…awe is inspiring. It’s a felt knowing, those feelings.
Two beautiful human beings showing how to love. I love you. Feeling beautiful ❤️
Watching and feeling the authenticity of this video is healing in and of itself
Thank you for highlighting the importance of context...especially in relationship someone who has experienced C-PTSD. Deb Dana, in "Anchored" talks about how important context is. "When contextual information is sent through implicit pathways and not EXPLICITLY SHARED we often respond in the present moment based on our past experiences". Through your google docs and authentic communication, it felt to me like you were able to provide context to your interactions. By doing this, you were able to sort out "old" reactions from present reactions. Really beautiful!
thanks for sharing this, so many insights, with so much honesty ❤ heart is full ❤
Thank you Jacob, for The work you do. It's gotta be super difficult working with so much disgusting causes of pain and trauma. And such beautiful people and parts just trying to dry their best, while in hypervigilence and survival. Please take care of you as you continue to help so many folks in healing what often seems impossible to shift.
Ah as a therapist I Loved this book and the way Dr.Ham uses ruptures and repairs.
I'd watch a Jacob Ham diagnoses comic book characters series
Omg!!!! How does he know me soooooooooo well??????
Help!!!!!! I feel like you literally live in my brain. How do you know how i feel so well? Did you yourself have cptst?
I found myself smiling which was hopeful
I have read that different kinds of tears contain different chemistry. I agree about the intentions making them different.
The best!!!
Your appearance on Forrest's podcast, - fantastic book now read. Intriguing therapist. Modern mindful, attachment informed, object relations? Don't know, but Jacob is sure refreshing to hear...
this guys harshness with his clients might work with those who grew up in that culture. for me, that just shuts me down. gentle, compassionate, kindness holds space for me to feel safe to open up. the last thing i need is for a therapist to mirror that bs which is so abundant in this world. don’t tell your client they are bad for dissociating. areas explain to me what is happening so i understand
Thank you so much for this video.
I hope you all can collaborate with Dr Honda on Psychology in Seattle - he always talks about attachment theory. He is also Asian American & a therapist. I would love to understand the specific cultural issues in different communities.
I struggle with expressing my anger due to my childhood trauma. I yell when I’m angry. I seem to be addicted to yelling one person has said. I don’t know how to express my anger besides yelling. What is the healthy way to express my anger?
In your book, Dr. Ham said you (Stephanie) should feel relieved that your diagnosis was C-PTSD because at least the way you are was not your fault where as if your diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar, it would be. I am not exaggerating when I say that just significantly increased my belief that ending my life once my last remaining dependent is deceased (my dog) is probably the best outcome for me. When one of the top therapists in the nation says something like that, I know there is no hope for me. I live for my dog and that is it. Once he is gone, I'm gone. Between that statement and the horrors that await my country (the US), there is no logical reason to remain here.
He was saying that’s how those diagnoses are *viewed* by some in psychiatry and the wider world. cPTSD is a more accurate diagnosis for many who have been given a diagnosis of BPD. It was a nuanced comment that perhaps needs to be further explained by @Jacob Ham.
Good afternoon,
I would like to know if childhood emotional neglect is trauma or can result in c-ptsd?
Thank you!
Yes. Neglect by my mother in my situation was even more harmful than the physical abuse by my father. With abuse, I saw myself in a broken mirror. With neglect, there was no mirror. We need each other to reflect us so we can see ourselves.
@@tiolisarah thanks for replying! I am sorry about your childhood experience. My experience was very different. However, it’s important to pay attention to our wounds. I am glad that I have found a therapist who has experience with trauma and attachment issues. The other day she told me: Everyone has attachment wounds, we live in an imperfect world.
Dear Princesa Nomada- absolutely. A helpful book, Pete Walker. Healing from C-PTSD. Wishing you well.
@@princesanomada yes attachment wounds are real. Pete Walker’s book list below is very helpful. It is about emotional healing and helpful strategies. A book of fiction I really like is called The secret life of Bees. We all have the capacity to heal and help.
Dr. Ham, I'm curious what your recovery time is after a therapy session. You put so much of yourself into them. How many are you able do in a week with all your other responsibilities?
Hmm, it’s kind of an odd question to me. There is hardly no recovery time. If you honor and witness with all your heart and soul then things don’t get stuck. They pass through. You just don’t have to be afraid to witness.
19:00 mm rupture repair. Times when I’m not listening - tuned out > Dissociation / micro moments of F/F. Not finishing sentence .. < sometimes with a diversion “Squirrel !!” >.
21:30 Object instead of Subject - For me it’s as if the other could go on and on - with out me there.. its challenging to interrupt - some are 22:45 Too Polite /
Can’t collude with the avoidance - Where the avoidance/dissociation part takes over the authenticity/ in session … it can feel rough to be interrupted - client may feel self conscious or shaming - what your saying is wrong .. ( its not what your saying … its that a part of you … ran after the squirrel to avoid ( _ _ _ fill in the ).
28:00 the intention of Each Emotion is incredibly useful… get curious “why am i having this emotion?”
Anger often misunderstood - is it that i must escalate to be heard.
45:45 The essence of what Trauma does
Trauma > makes you think your unLovable … we recreate the same patterns as the abuse’er did - that can attack us from with in.
One can find this in AEDP therapy
45:50
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He's great, she annoys me so much that now I understand why I felt so disappointed with the ending of the book, felt so self-serving. When you're raised by narcissists is difficult to leave the me me me me me me me me me me...
So cringe.
What point in particular made you feel uncomfortable?
U sound like u cud use help. Good luck on ur journey.
One paper is crumpled it is forever creased
Rude ignorance
I’m not a therapist.
I’m 44 I’ve have paid dearly for my wife’s trauma. (BDL)
I never knew why when we talk she disappeared…..I can strangley see/feel it happening. I confront her mid conversation where are you?! She checks out. It’s hurtful...
Also when she is discussing her pain and trauma it feels like bragging at times…that’s when I check out…🫣 I LOVE WHAT YOU SAY about authenticity. I would to share my authentic situation. I’m so board with the surface. Understanding trauma I feel is at the heart learning to be Buda…☺️
Thank you both I’d love to meet you!
Lunch, dinner on me.
yeah feeling out of the loop. feeling like i am a project vs a human being. 11:07 yeah the still face and the lack of mirror tfw thats already my fucking life. and surgical masks. id like to repair and i cant play the game anymore. why do u say its weird it is intamcy of suffering. i called a helpline in my city on magic mushrooms without an ego and i just screamed and cried for like an hour. it is intimacy. holding space for ppl is a skill 27:32 and most ppl choose not to cultivate it. i dont think questions work, your gut instinct works. and 80 % healed dam i think what i like about u and dr ramani is u are authentic about being on the journey too, not like its separate from our healing. i am 1/4 japanese 1/2 english 1/4 french canadain. and i kinda hear her too well. 39:29
40:36 i have gone through alot of therapists and often i feel like i must be the problem cus i cant find someone. or like the mindset of giving up and going with somthing that isnt right for me cus idk what else to do. and feeling defeated of like why cant i get this right. 41:46 i hear her. i think inner child work has been very helpful and mushrooms and growing on mushrooms. for me life is the biggest trip of all i said that maybe 10 years ago and still rings true. 54:40 i hear her.