How To Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry
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- čas přidán 7. 09. 2024
- This is a good question. How can you forgive someone who isn't sorry? Let's first make sure we understand what forgiveness is and what it isn't. Forgiveness is not the act of granting or bestowing something upon someone. Forgiveness does not require a person to be sorry. Forgiveness does not let a person off of their wrong doings. Forgiveness does not mean that we agree that what happened was okay.
So then, what is forgiveness all about? Here are the steps on how to forgive someone who isn't sorry:
1. Turn your brain on
2. Reframe the experience
3. Take full responsibility
4. Write a new story
You'll definitely want to take notes during this one!
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
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“It’s giving up our demand for a better past” - wow thank you for sharing
It removes a burden from our shoulders and allows us to move forward, Idyllic_ Visionz. Powerful stuff.
Yeah, that was powerful.
Oh gosh. Mind blown.
Thought that was quite an insightful point too. Glad to know someone else found it striking too
How do you give up?
'It happened to me but it isn't about me.'
'Take full responsibility for how you feel without taking the blame for the abuse'
selam Selam, you got this!
@selam. Very powerful comment. Thank you. I will try to follow the advice, as a very nasty incident just happened with me and my brother and i can't yet get passed the hurt, the unfairness and the insult. But i will try. Thank you
@@odegasheru9991 It happened to me with my best friend a few months ago. We did not communicate but in our essence is fairness and love. Give it time, it will be resolved by itself.
You always hear to Forgive, but never told or taught how to do it
Ion R, that is so true. It helps to learn practical steps. Such a powerful principle when experienced.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks 🙂
Exactly! I have been doing it many times now, forgive that is. But the anger just wont let go of me! I also must say: revenge is underrated! Sometimes maybe the only thing that'll help you feel better? 😉
Try the 'Our father' or seventy times seventy
True. I say it all the time,but it doesn't work for me.I know it is what I must do, I need to be taught exactly how to do it. This video has helped. Perhaps the greatest example of forgiveness is Jesus, who forgave the people who ridiculed,tortured,and murdered him.
Teared up listening to Karen story. "It could have been anyone. what kind of kids get abused? Kinds that were available to the abuser. She was abused not because of who she was but because of who he(abuser) was." Deeply touched by these words. This video and this channel is pure gold
Chelsea Han, thank you, glad you are here.
Yes! Such a great truth - whoever crosses paths with the evil is who the evil goes after. Not your fault.
"Take responsability but not the fault" Thank you for these words Dr. Paul! My mother has NPD, and it is taking everything I've got to get over her last episode. I am in the "saving my life" mode right now after her bite. I watch your videos every day! They help me be a better mom, spouse, and friend.
I am honored that you are finding value in the videos, Patty AAP. Thank you for being a part of the Live On Purpose family.
Good for you, Patty. It's horrible to have to compare one's parent to a poisonous snake, but if the shoe fits...and we don't have an infinite amount of time and there are also, almost always, other people involved.
"Forgiveness is giving up the demand for a better past" wow, that was powerful, thank you.
You are welcome.
I've just come across you're video on forgiveness.I found it to be extremely concise, compassionate and comprehensive. Thank you.
Thank you Todd - my psychology practice is a great spectator sport, I've learned a lot through the honor of observing people's lives. Also honored that you are watching! DrPaul
Amen!
This is still a tough one for me. I know it wasn’t my fault or had nothing to do with me ... but it affected me and my whole life in a way that I hardly haven’t been able to function as a human.
T L, try to think of it as not giving them any more power over you. Live the way you want. Take back the control.
Unforgiveness keeps a soul in Prison..in the past..
God will forgive us to the degree we forgive..The Lord's Prayer. God commanded us to forgive for us..to be in health
unforgivness is being imprisoned..while the other person has forgotten it..
Ephesians 4:26 KJV
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”
Forgiveness sets us free from the offense..We need God's forgiveness. To heal our souls.His mercy and Grace
God will help us to forgive
Seek Him while today is today
Call upon Him
Acts 4:12 KJV
12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
I don’t know what you have been through specifically but what you said really resonates with me too, I really hope we find some kind of relief and control back
@@AryaDeVil_EN I do hope that as well for us. I try the best I can with the tools I have and always continue to search for ways to heal and try to reprogram my whole self from what seems to be extreme complex post traumatic stress disorder paired up with being diagnosed by a neurological team of doctors with (what the medical field call) chronic life debilitating illnesses (medium-severe M.E., mast cell activation syndrome, and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and which are worsened by all types of stress.
It’s tough, lonely and at times feels like nothing but living life in hell, so thank you for your comment. I wish you all the best.
One day maybe it’s possible to fully one hundred percent forgive. But I haven’t found that feeling or tools how to.
Hearing Elizabeth Smart talk about forgiveness being for herself was life changing for me, it wasn’t for anyone else, it’s for us. Great video thank you ❤️
Elizabeth Smart is absolutely amazing. She's a great example to us all. Thank you, Clover Flois.
It;s kind of like when you were younger and you get into a fight with a friend and he punches you in the face, but after that you both say sorry. Forgiveness is a decision but the next day doesn't mean your jaw is not going to hurt.
True, David Delgado, there may still be some pain after you have forgiven the other person, but forgiveness serves YOU the most anyway. A person can live their life and may not care if they've been forgiven by you. However, if you hold the grievance you risk developing a "victim mentality" and seeing everything through that paradigm. The grievance will infect you like poison. Forgiveness removes the poison so that long-term healing can happen.
Haha, if a so-called friend did that to me, I'd probably punch her/him back with a sledge hammer. Haha, sorry, I've always been this way, I never change! 😇🤭😡
I love the analogy with the snake.. naturally we know to get the venom out. The snake becomes less important, we may never find it. The body goes in protective mode, but we have to put the priority to what is most important.
The person that hurt you is the "snake," and that hurt is the "venom." Revenge is the "rock" used to try to hurt the snake for biting you. Forgiveness is the "antidote."
LadyQueen BBG, thanks for the thought.
I truly have to say this channel has changed my life, I've learned so much to on how to live a better life. Thank you
Glad the channel is serving it's purpose.
Yes, this makes a lot of sense, a portion of my past (7 years with an abusive x) no longer matters because I have fixed my life (home, job, self-esteem) and spent 11 years learning, healing, growing, putting theories in to practice. So I forgive my xh for the violence and abuse because it no longer matters. Yet it is harder to completely put aside the fact that my Mum raised me to have no sense of myself at all. My mother is a well-intentioned person but my childhood still matters and I guess my childhood will always matter. But yes, you're right, I'm not the judge and in the rest of my life and philosophy, I believe that I am tolerant and tolerate everything except judgement. I am trying to get to know my children, to SEE their real selves and allow them their emotions, negative as well as positive. You are very articulate.
Thank you AS Stanley - honored to be on your team. I think you would also love our Parenting Power-up Audio Course that I just recorded with Vicki. You can get a free pre-listen here: parentingpowerup.com. DrPaul
I was about to not click on this video, thank God i did, i loved it!
Glad you clicked and enjoyed the video. Thank you, moneejo.
Ugh, I'm not crying. Such a great video. Thanks for sharing that story.
Maranda Parker, thank you for watching, it means a lot.
i think that's the toughest thing that prevents me to get to forgiveness. that they are not sorry, they won't even admit it, and it doesn't even matter to them. The sense of injustice and there's this incredible disbelief that they got away with so much. omg it's so hard but i don't want to hold myself hostage by my past either
Yo Yoyo, consider the idea. Just sit with it for a while and imagine a world where you aren't weighed down by the heaviness of it any longer. It doesn't have to happen today. Glad you are here.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you
Same here people don’t realize what they do so I keep a distance with those people but than I feel I m keeping grudges for them which is not good either
I'm glad I've learned the value of forgiveness in my life. Every day after 30 had been lived with fully forgiving others, it took me a bit longer learning to prioritize self forgiveness just the same. What a difference this has made.
So glad. Thank you for letting us know, your comment can help others give it a try.
I have listened to a lot of different people regarding forgiveness from Pastor's to psychologist's and this is the 1st time I have truly understood and accepted what i should do, why I should do it and how to really forgive. Thank you. "When the student is ready....."😅
I've watched many videos on forgiveness but none of them have touched on the experience of being hurt like this one has. I've never had a problem forgiving people before even in experiences where one would be expected to hold a grudge, but this one thing hit me hard and continues to poison my mind. I don't think I've forgiven that person yet but I accept that forgiveness is something I need to practice. That's why I return here every few months to remind myself of the feeling this video gave me. I know the information well and I knew it all before I ever watched the video, but the delivery gave me something that I couldn't give myself. That's why I keep coming back. I hope that it helps others as it has helped me.
Awesome, you are leaving the possibility open. It will happen when the timing is right.
Stay strong sensitive souls❤️❤️ you all deserve love and kindness ❣️
I stumbled on your channel a few hours ago. My personal view so far is that forgiveness IS something that is granted to someone who merits it. What you seem to be describing is more akin to what I would describe as letting go, something I have trouble doing.
It could be described that way. It is forgiving so you can move on.
Learning how the mind is connected to the body, is medicine!
It truly is.
Yes! I love your loving directness and I will be sharing this my clients who need to understand what forgiveness is and is not!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Bernadette Allen. So grateful to CZcams helping to get the message out.
I need to and will watch this over and over again - this is so helpful. Thank you, Dr. Paul.
Glad we have CZcams so you can come back any time you want and please share away.
Very helpful. thank you. Great channel. A monk saw a scorpion on a leaf in water about to drown. he lifted it up and put it on the ground to save it but got stung repeatedly. A passerby asked why he would do such a thing. The monk replied 'it is the scorpions nature to sting and mine to save it.'
Oh wow! Perfect example.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Lol, as I read down your list of comments I was going to type that same phrase to pacifist575's comment; "Oh wow, perfect example."
It really is a great video. Thank you so much! I'm still trying to understand how to apply the "don't take it personally" thing. Some things really do feel like they couldn't happen to just anyone (who isn't me). Especially family issues...
You're so welcome! Fingertiple, it takes a long time and work to be able to deflect what people are saying, especially if it is specifically aimed at you. Take a look at some of the other videos on the subject to get some ideas.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV What other vidoes in particular would you recommend for this issue of not taking things personally, even when it's aimed at you?
How about the topic of, say, a cheating spouse? SURE the other spouse is THE ONE who was personally betrayed, yes. But I'd look at it as having happened because the cheater was a cheater - not because s/he was specifically married to YOU. Ya know? If one's sister screams at them it's mainly because she a screamer; not because of whatever triggered her. I can't "cause" someone to scream, or cheat or... much of anything. It's up to each of us how to act. At least that's the sort of stuff I tell myself when I try to avoid taking others' bad behavior personally - it's not ABOUT me, how they act is about who THEY are.
Accept the fact that there is evil in the world and try to avoid it.
Marguerite Rose, Very good advice, don't go looking for it.
It's the first time I've searched about this and I can't believe I've found a story which is 100% similar to mine. Sure, this video really helped a lot. Thanks for this. But I still can't find forgiveness in my heart. I can still feel anger everytime I remember what happened. I still have the trauma. And the fact that my stepfather passed away just last month, I'm feeling so miserable. I don't know what to feel. But yeah, thanks for this. Keep doing videos like this.
Anne Celones, it is a journey and you are on the journey. It is o.k. if you are not to forgiveness yet. I am glad you are here.
And, Anne, I'm thinking "anger" is appropriate, but I consider forgiveness as a sort of "writing off" like a rabid animal bit into me - I can't afford to let hate for that animal rent space in my head. It was rabid, I'll always be sorry it tore into me, but I've released it to the animal-control people and I'm done with it.
Bitterness tears your heart apart...well said.
I'm glad you got something valuable out of the video, David Delgado. Thank you for watching.
This video came at a great time for a great struggle I'm having with my husband. Thank you for clarifying what forgiveness really is, and breaking down how both a grievance and forgiveness is formed, and steps to forgive others! I'll be listening to these videos every day so it gets in my psyche!
Thank you! Honored to be on your team.
Wow, your video is a god sent, I have been dealing with a situation in which I have had a super hard time granting myself permission to forgive someone that has caused me a great deal of heart and soul pain.
My personal story: A few years ago I met a man from the music industry, Well to make a long story short, in a matter of three weeks I was running for cover, and I mean closing my home door to that individual because by the time he was done with me I felt raped, For Real!
If a woman says that she doesn't want to have sex, the man should NOT question her, he should back off and NOT want to force himself on the woman, Period!
Yes Juana - YOU get to decide those boundaries and nobody else has any right to violate that. I'm glad you're here. DrPaul
I’m really sorry 😞 you endured that and wish you all the best
Wish I'd have known this years ago, but I recently learned how freeing this process is. Thanks for giving it words. Love.
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for being here at the channel.
Those first four (phony) steps were really funny once I realized they were a set up, lol. Thank you for the advice, for your energy in putting together your script, and for your practical advice.
You're so welcome! S.G., love CZcams and interacting with all of you.
Watching this video again after 3 full years and makes a lot of sense
Thanks for updating. Sometimes we need to sit with something, especially on a subject like this.
You are a great person and a psychologist. Your kind of psychology is unusual as it goes deeper than the usual one. It comes from experience combined with humanity.
Thank you very much for your videos, they are helpful.
Wow, thank you! Honored to be on your team.
I'm discovering your channel and I like it sooooooo much! The way you re helping us to empowering our live, our choices and our decisions, your pedagogy and your very good sense of humor. I'm smiling and sometimes laughing in front of my phone. I also like - but don't know how to say it correctly in English - the way you are speaking of humans problems... Like we have it all in common in some way so we re like a big team, facing the same. This is heartwarming and in someway it does make the probleme less overwhelming . I really enjoy it 😁
Marie R, thanks, we are all in this together.
Why should you forgive someone who isn't sorry? Even God requires that we first ask him for forgiveness...
S H, it is so we can move on and Live On Purpose.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV You're probably right. God will also forgive you if someone else asks him to forgive you.
But what if the person harming you continues to try and harm you? What if they're still actively trying to take from you? I don't think God wants us to lay down and be victimized either...
God wants us to forgive others - as he forgives us...it's so simple, and yet so difficult at the same time...
Well as a abuser and someone who got abused, this is a danger of either forgiveness or revenge
Forgiveness lets us let go of the anger without putting ourselves in a position of causing harm to ourselves.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die.
Suzanne Rodriguez, exactly!
My son was asked by my parents to take on the responsibility of POA if they needed. There came a day when Dad was gone and Mom was no longer able to make her own decisions. My sister took him to court, falsely accused my son of dastardly evil, got POA for herself, went into Mom's house, took all the family heirlooms and photos, sold everything she didn't want, and sold the house. All without my knowledge and without Mom's permission or knowledge. I was forbidden to visit my mom, and did not see her the last year of her life. Then I was not even told when she died. I found out when I was sent court papers, since I was listed as an "interested party", and at the top of one of the pages was handwritten the words "Ward is deceased". This was two months after Mom was dead. I was devastated. Still am. Family photos of genearations past, photos of myself as a little girl, photos of my kids, things my parents had willed to me and my sons..all gone. And no way to say goodbye to my mom or comfort her as she lay dying. I HATE my sister, and forgiveness has been impossible. I have been trying to forgive. I have read books and watched countless videos, and I had come to the conclusion that I had neither the knowledge of how to nor even the capacity to ever forgive. Then I saw this video. And I think I know how now. My forgiving her will not let her off the hook for the despicable things she did. It will not change the past either, nor right the wrongs that were done. But forgiving her will release me from the bondage of hate, the chains of the past, and will let me live for today and move unfettered into tomorrow. That is my hero story. I am the hero casting off the filth and chains her actions created, the hero who is moving into tomorrow as a whole, peaceful, powerful woman. I get it now, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the gift you gave me. 8:00 pm, July 20, 2021, the time and date of my liberation.
I am so sorry for what was done to you, Melissa. Glad you are writing your story and living the life you love.
God bless you Dr Paul. I was looking for an answer like this for months!!! Thank you🙏
Glad it was helpful!
Great video! Thank you for sharing!
You are welcome, Margaret Judice.
“Write a new story “ excellent advice .
Thanks, Nancy.
It’s pretty sad that videos that benefit us the most are the least watched.. I really need to learn to take it less personal.. I’m just not sure how to
UmMunir Bashiah, we have several videos on the channel, check out our playlist. If you feel like you could benefit from one on one coaching, go to www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
I really like your style too. Thank God for you! 😗
Thank you for watching, Isabel Gil.
Sometimes the forgiveness isn't for them Its for you. It helps to relieve the burden of the pain they caused you especially when there is nothing more you can do to solve the problem.
I experienced this in my.own life when my fiance was murdered 3 weeks b4 our wedding by someone he was suppose to be helping. I still to this day do not know who the person was that ended his life. At the time we were told it was an accident. The grief I felt was more than I could handle. I forgave whoever did it because I couldn't carry the emotional burden of dwelling on him and having hate and bitterness in my heart. Instead I focused on my grief and my loss. In life you got to pick your battles.
Catholic Faith of Mine, thank you for this vulnerable post. I am so sorry this happened and it truly shows how difficult forgiveness can be, but how vital.
Wow this is brilliant, thank you! I can apply this.
Wonderful!
I have been with you for a short time but I have changed a lot to control my anger with my little boy and control emotion to my exhusband.
thu Moore, that is awesome. You can do this, thanks for commenting so others can see it is possible.
Thank-you for this. Especially about framing it so it's not personal and viewing it as the perpetrator owns that behavior---and that it has nothing to do with who you are. I was bullied everyday as a kid (by the same group of girls k-8) then I would come home and get relentlessly put down by my older brother. He never showed me any real affection until we were adults and even then it feels weird for him to be nice. But, I still try to be open. Anyway, the constant teasing all day long made me convinced that there must be something about me that makes me undeserving of acceptance. I only felt safe and at peace when I was alone in my room, so I became extremely shy and developed major social anxiety. To this day, I get nervous meeting up with groups of women (I recently had a baby and going to a baby and me group was important but also hugely nerve wracking as being in a group of girls again was a huge trigger), but I can't tell you how much more confidence I would've had if someone had told me IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
You are valuable, Rosalyn Anne Beauty. Meeting others may be hard, but you are now showing your child how to deal with the world. Be confident and you have this!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV yes! I've been really loving all your parenting videos 💜
What helped me to forgive my parents (dad neglectful, non-present, no physical affection etc.) and mother (verbally and emotionally abusive and consistently critical and negative) was to take a clear-eyed look at their own role models. What i found was this: dad's father (whom I met as a kid but remember well) was a wife-beater and alc. To be honest he looked like a disheveled transient when I met him as a kid and I instantly disliked his personality. Mom's mother was a major drama queen, neurotic, and I now believe she had some undiagnosed mental illness.. Her husband left her and my mom and the narrative I was given was that they were the pitiful victims of his abandonment. I now believe he left because my grandmother was a constant hen-pecker, verbally shaming and abusive.. If it's parents who abused you it can help to take a clear-eyed look at THEIR role models. That and the traumatizing affects of WW2 (both parents were in the armed forces; my dad lost part of a leg and was traumatized as he was a medic)) were enough to allow me to forgive them, which i did spontaneously one early morning in a state of meditation and prayer. (And yes, I did it for myself as the anger and bitterness were eating away at me). The result was I stopped castigating myself for never having confronted them as an adult. I had exactly one real chance to do so when they visited my brother and I in Los Angeles in the '80s but I did not do so as my dad had had open heart surgery and looked terrible so I thought it might kill him to know how abusive mom was. As a result of forgiving them the weight of all that resentment dropped from my shoulders. It has been an awesome experience and I no longer ruminate over the abuse/neglect at all. And yes, I am a hero!
You definitely are a hero. Thank you for sharing this story. There is so much good in here that will help others.
I would like to thank you for your advice and I struggle with unforgiving and it was quite hard to do it but I really appreciate your help
You are welcome, Aldean Blair. I'm honored to have someone like you - who is trying - on Live On Purpose TV. : )
You’re not alone.
@@BadEconomyOfficial thank you
Thank you for your time. I appreciate you so much.
You are welcome, Revolution. Thank you for watching.
thank you for this message. . it helped me a lot. now , I am free of all the hatred and pain . I learned to let go. thanks for guiding me. I've downloaded this video and watched it over and over again. until it sank in.. and
now I feel better. . . thank you very much. God bless you always!
This is a powerful message, Shelee Rukia. I am glad you found it valuable.
well.. I struggled a lot with this .. how to forgive others and myself as well.. so this video helped me a lot.
"Without Goliath, David is just some punk kid throwing rocks "
Karen's story reminded me of mine.
But - I'll never stop fighting for myself and my family.
Ana Mirkailo, I'm glad, and we are here for you.
David was protecting his sheep.
I'd love to but im 50 in February ever lived with borderline person personality all my life and I'm overwhelmed I can't wait for it to be over
I hear you, I just hope that you can find some joy in the journey.
My son sacrificed everything he had for people who wouldn’t even wipe his brow for him now that he’s so close to the fire. Pray for my son and those like him. They disguise their pain for anger to justify inflicting harm on another.
Jennifer Young, you make a good point. The anger inside us can come out in different ways that are misinterpreted. I hope your son is able to get some help.
Ha! Such a heavy topic addressed in an entertaining and sometimes funny way. GREAT delivery! We can't demand a better past, you're right. It's also a great plan, as you suggest, to choose feel victorious. I'm enjoying your videos, thanks.
Ms. Smith, thank you, glad you are here. Please share with anyone you think would benefit.
I like take the responsibility but not the fault. But in cases of child abuse it really breaks my heart. Even being assaulted and raped as a teenager I feel was better than that happening in my single digits. My heart breaks for Karen and all the love and attention she deserved. ❤️
Thank you for your compassion. Such a difficult thing to go through.
This was very good especially how to stop seeing yourself as a victim even though you where. I can’t see doing it when you still have contact with the person on a regular basis.
It is a process, Lois Semanek. It might take some time.
Wow! Thank you so much. I learned a few new insights that were so helpful.
Thrilled to hear it Robin - thanks for watching! DrPaul
This happens even everyday with me😑 the day I started sensing and now I m 20 yrs and this is never ending process .
SHÍVÁNÍ with bracket wali smile, I hope you are able to find peace.
Oh WOW!!! Honestly i think you're absolutely amazing but this video WOW i SO needed to hear this.
THANK YOU MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT!!! 😊🤗
Janet Spiteri, thank you.
Back again Dr. Paul...this video was needed to be watched again..😉.and just look at the increase in views since last month....1000 more people have watched it! 👍You are making a positive effective difference in our lives! 💚Thank you so much...💛🌈. Making it a hero story is the driving force re framing of my situation that is helping me to cope. 🇨🇦. Dr. Paul, during this covid pandemic😷 a silver lining is working on oneself for the better good eh😉 It is taking a lot of work, and tough feelings to deal with in the process..😐..yet we are not alone in our journey of "how things roll down here on earth!" 😉. Steady as she goes💪🙃🇨🇦
Meg's Carpentry, We are not alone in our journey and I am glad we can be a part of yours.
Wonderful presentation. Full if truth.
BUT.......I I had not been born again in Christ, I would never had the opportunity to be here and grow.
Thanks.
tina, you are welcome. Thanks for watching.
This is actually biblical.
Having empathy helps with forgiveness also.
Living4theKingdom, yes it does.
I really like your personality and the way you put things. And your advice is priceless!
Sylhomeo, thank you, so kind.
I dont forgive people that are not sorry. I cut them out of my life.
Denise Hutchins, that is always an option.
This may be 3 years old, but it's helpful, I'm struggling with this presently with my son and his wife, things are still going terrible everyday, what a struggle,
Carol Brasket, these principles are timeless, glad you saw the video.
My way of forgiving is just letting go of the offense AND of the offender. Who needs toxicity in life? People who don't take responsibility for their actions lack empathy and conscienceness. They never regret what they did or omitted. Why bother with them?
Gloria Price, that is a choice that sounds like it has served you well.
Yeah it's hard my mother isn't sorry nor is anyone that has pushed me into wanting to end it!
Red flags 911, please call the suicide prevention line and know that there is hope and life after anyone who has hurt you. Please reach out to a trusted friend or adviser.
hang in there...Forgiveness GIVES YOU FREEDOM. Love yourself and i hope you heal soon... I KNOW THE FEELING
When someone is either unwilling or incapable of acknowledging the pain they may have caused, I pray they someday find the insight, wisdom, grace, or that I find understanding someday of their perspective, but I acknowledge to myself that the needs I have in the situation are not likely to get met here… and I forgive myself for getting here. I recognize they might not be capable… to give me the apology or repentance I would hope for. They might not have the insight or want it.
Once I realize that, it’s easier to let their lack of insight go, their lack of regard for my feelings or my safety or whatever. I tell myself, “they have given me all they are capable of or willing to”.
“At this point, I can chose to accept it, or hound them for more, incessantly, using all my energy wrapped up in anger while my psyche harasses them for the rest of our existence…”
If I want to move on, I have to let it go, even though it wasn’t ok. I can take lessons from that experience and apply them if red or orange flags come up in my future. That can empower me instead of weaken me as I chase an insatiable dream.
Love this, thank you for sharing.
In April 2021 with 38, 825 views of this video it appears this video resonates with a lot of people.😉Along with a few other of your video's slowly it feels like I can move forward on a betrayal which also involves deep concern for two senior dogs that need protecting. It has been 10 months of working on the betrayal issue. 🙃Yes, I hired a Canadian coach and need to find another avenue. Revisiting this video was helpful, especially when the negative self talk starts up and that feeling that it was so "unfair" that this happened at all. Time to learn more on how to handle myself in these challenging times. 🤔 Yes, Dr. Paul, this is how things roll down here on earth. Yes, Dr. Paul, we will be able to handle it as evidence from a lot of previous challenges in ones path and that we handled those as well-maybe not in the best way but it was handled and lessons were hopefully learned. Yes, Dr. Paul, trillions of people have felt the way we have felt and more will in the future. We are not alone. 😉 It is the way things are down here on earth, love, hate, challenges, victories, and eventual growth are all part of life. Time to reach out, even if it costs money, to learn how to live our best life. One reply from Live on Purpose TV that I received was that we do our best realizing that we have limitations. Now that is another point to learn to accept eh! ⭐️😷 Dr. Paul, I hope you are staying safe during these intense times during the pandemic. Thank you again.💯🇨🇦
Meg's Carpentry, I am glad you come back and watch the videos when you need them.
you've just made another fan. i have struggled for many years to forgive my ex, who died long ago. i've known for a long time that i needed to forgive him, for my own well-being. but, somehow, i kept on resenting the abuses that affect my relationships with our daughters, my financial and emotional well-being. he has been dead for many years. as i listened to you, i could feel the long-held resentment drain away. will i have relapses ? i hope not. will continue to listen to your messages---thank you !
Welcome to our positive community. Glad you are here.
Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the one being forgiven.
Calli Cordova, it truly is. Wonderful when it can be both, but not always.
Wonderful video as always. Thank you so much Dr Paul
It is a tough topic, Irene Ifere Ohia, but one that is critical for our growth. Thanks for watching.
It's Easy. Don't Judge them. Then there's nothing to Forgive!!! The Great Secret!🖤
Kyle Sikkenga, great to have you at the channel.
Dr. Paul, will you please briefly elaborate the reason for why we need to consider ourselves the hero of our story? What purpose does this serve? Thank you.
The hero stands up to the bad guy or situation and struggles but eventually overcomes the struggle. Think about every movie with a hero, they have to have a bad guy to fight or something to overcome.
Great question (and reply from Dr. Paul). If we want to overcome the obstacles in our lives then we become the victor! We're "over-comers" and our life story is one that tells of our success. Even the hero's sometimes get pretty beat-up but in the end they've overcome whatever was the obstacle. EVEN if it was something in themselves. Yay for victory!
This doc is awesome, good character and good advices.
Thank you, Lidija.
Give up the judicial role - powerful
Thank you.
Yes! Finally some practical advice without all the bible preaching! Thank you.
Letting go is different from forgiveness. Letting go is not caring anymore. But forgiving means trusting again.
Ahead of The Curve, it doesn't necessarily mean trusting that person again.
Clicked once, listened twice!
Come back anytime.
Amazing video - thank you very much
Thank you so much for your videos, tips and humour! It is all very helpful, best wishes!
Liv Liv, you are welcome.
Great steps, but I am not sure I understand everything exact. Some more samples would be helpful. Or even a demonstration?
Noted, we will consider that for another video.
thank you so much for this, it was really helpful. taking a moment to look at the situation from that perspective of " it happend to me, but it's not about me" it's the best advice i could been given.
Also that analogy about how you should try to get the venom of a snake out insted of looking for it and killing it, because getting the venom out is more important, it really helps.
Wonderful! Glad we can connect.
Fantastic!
Thank you.
Fantastic! Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤❤
And thank you for watching.
Helpful and thought provoking. I forgive them for the decades of emotional abuse in the 80s and 90s and beyond but in 2020, I couldn't forgive them for GLOSSING OVER IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. Dad went to a psychiatric hospital with paranoia and yet I ended up emerging from the family narrative with the label paranoid. It seems counter intuitive to forgive parents who are very angry with me. It feels like lowering my shield to the full force of their outrage. How dare I not respect their right to hurt me.
So......... my story has to be that this happened because of who THEY ARE and it has nothing to do with me. It wasn't personal. I have detached a lot, and that's helped me but it offends them. I FEEL LET DOWN! So how does a heroine deal with that? Does she stand in her own corner? believe in herself? have her own back? She goes to psychotherapy once a fortnight and she looks forward to her future. Thanks. This video helped a bit but i'm not there yet.
Susan C, you are definitely on your way there, remember it is about the journey, not the destination. You are way better than you were before, just with your self-actualization. Glad you have some coping techniques. Do what you need to do to be healthy and happy.
Off course I forgive if I want forgiveness 🎉
Please don't go into it expecting forgiveness since it needs to be done unconditionally.
I don't even know if we can call it forgiveness. It sounds like its just acknowledgement of what's controllable and what isn't and disciplining the self to navigate within what is controllable...that's where the power is...
Thank you...I hope I can hold on to the feeling of this insight beyond this post...😂..
Brae TV, you can come back as often as you need to.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You are so welcome!
Such people couldn't care less what you thought or if you forgive them or not because their life, thoughts, feelings etc are not ruled by whatever anybody else thinks or feels. They are captains of their own ship and on their own mission and will push aside anybody and anything they perceive as irrelevant. They don't say sorry because they simply don't say or do anything they will later feel sorry about. And why would they care about your "sorry" to them, if you mean nothing to them, anyway? It's just how they are. I just accept that is how they are. And leave them on their mission I may not be able to relate to. That's OK. So long as they don't harm me, they can do as they wish. I don't have to like it or agree or demand any useless pointless apology they won't willingly offer, anyway. Just let them go. Of, course, if they demand an apology from me for something I feel no need to apologise for, I stare them in the eyeballs, at very close range and calmly reply. "No! I owe you nothing!". And walk off.
Anne Marie May, thank you for sharing.
Actually forgiving someone has more impacts on you than on the person you forgive
So true. We need forgiveness for our personal growth.
"Create and retell a victim story" and "then write a new story"
fred jones, yes, tell yourself the story with you as the hero. It works.
Forgiveness is one thing; but DONT EXPOSE yourself to more abuse by being in that persons presence again. avoid serial abusers...
Lauren, good advice.
Try not to go looking for evil and try to associate with only good honest people and avoid those who cause a lot of unnecessary drama 🎭
Praveen Sriram, words to live by.
Much of what you say makes sense, but I can't get past the idea that forgiving someone means accepting that the person who hurt you was possibly entitled to do so. I am still at a loss as to how you can forgive someone who won't admit it, apologise and make amends. If we agree they are in the wrong then we must inevitably also agree that that person deserves to be punished, otherwise what they did can't be considered wrong.
Regarding your step 2, for me over personalising isn't a problem, I know one of the people in question didn't do what he did specifically to hurt me but he did things knowing they would hurt me and did so anyway. I don't particularly care why he did so, the motives don't matter to me, what is important is the consequences and how they affect me and my loved ones.
I enjoyed your video a lot and I suppose it is impossible to set out a prescriptive guide that works for everyone.Thank you anyway.
Max Sch, their behavior is wrong, no matter if the abuser things so, admits it, or takes responsibility. We don't have control over their behavior and morals. All we can control is ours and we forgive so we are not stuck and we can move on. It has little to do with them. If they haven't taken responsibility, then we really need to distance ourselves as part of self-care. We want to forgive so we can put what happened in the past and stop reliving it as that stops our progress.
Max? Something to consider is the FACT! that the perpetrator of your pain still has to wake up every day and LIVE WITH HIMSELF (or herself). In other words? Just because they "did you dirty" and you are hurting does not mean they are happily sailing off into the sunset to go out and live some "magically perfect, happy life" that you think they may be living. THEY STILL HAVE TO FACE THEIR OWN "REALITY" and all the hardships and challenges of their own "life situation". This may help you in the healing process because I know it certainly has helped me.
Thank you so much. This has really blessed me.
I'm so glad!
Thanks it helped but I'm still angry ; only a fool holds on to their anger am trying
Ashley Gill, keep trying everyday and it will come. Don't give up.