The Situationship: 6 Reasons Dismissive Avoidants Prefer This Type of Relationship | Thais Gibson
Vložit
- čas přidán 9. 07. 2024
- 25% Off All-Access Pass for 3 months or more with Coupon Code: WITHYOU
university.personaldevelopmen...
Join PDS for free with our 7-day free trial
university.personaldevelopmen...
Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship
university.personaldevelopmen...
In this video, I talk about 6 reasons why dismissive avoidants are the situationship type and why they might stay in a situationship.
Do you ever find yourself in situationships and unable to move the needle and if so, what sort of repetitive patterns do you default to?
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:41 - Reason One: Fear of Vulnerability
00:02:36 - Reason Two: Avoid Attachment
00:04:16 - Reason Three: Breadcrumbing
00:05:39 - Reason Four: Don’t Know How To Resolve Conflict
00:07:55 - Check Out our Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Course
00:08:22 - 25% Off All-Access Pass
00:09:17 - Reason Five: Struggle To Share Their Needs or Boundaries
00:10:27 - Reason Six: Don’t Know How To Be Interdependent
00:12:26 - Conclusion
---
// Take This Attachment Quiz //
attachment.personaldevelopmen...
// Social Media Links //
Instagram - personaldevelopment_school
Facebook - / 461389461257253
TikTok - / thaisgibson
LinkedIn - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
---
Never miss a life-changing lesson from Thais Gibson and the Personal Development School by hitting the subscribe button here - / @thepersonaldevelopmen...
I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
---
#DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #BoundaryStruggles #WhatIsASituationship
---
There are some attachment styles that make romantic relationships miserable. DAs can make you feel insane, small, insignificant, needy and unworthy just for wanting their love. Be very careful who you give your heart to.
Do they know they are doing this?
@@dw5294 They probably know in the same way anxious styles know they're pushing people away. It's not so much about self-awareness, but a willingness to change.
@@dw5294 It seems like willful ignorance. They often make it seem like you're the crazy one for getting frustrated but they have a proven history with exes that they have problems connecting with and taking relationships to the next level. There is a history of intimacy issues with exes and instead of working through their problems they blame it on the person they're with even though they can't point out what you're doing wrong. You'll know what issues you have with them but they won't be able to tell you what they want you to change. You'll periodically sit them down to talk and they'll have nothing to contribute to the conversation. What's worse is if their family asks them what's wrong, they'll make you look bad by saying you have mental issues because they think it's better than admitting the real problem is with them. On the surface it only looks like they're not aware of it because they may never admit they have a problem, but you can see in their facial expressions. They appear cornered and trapped when you confide in them and try to get them to open up. They're basically hoping that you'll accept them for what they're not willing to change by deflecting and calling you crazy. You will never be vindicated for the way they represented you to others. They know that the relationship isn't working and they will do anything to make it seem like it's your fault. They may be aware on some level that they're hurting you but what matters more to them is their self image. I have yet to see a DA actively seek help. The one I know won't even look up what a DA is. Out of all of the attachment styles a DA is most likely to stigmatize and internalize mental health issues and self sabotage. To stay in a relationship with a DA that doesn't seek help means putting up with a ton of name calling and being blamed for the problems they refuse to acknowledge. They won't address intimacy issues and will blame you for feeling alienated.
Yes I have felt that way
I guess all of the people didn't know unless they learned about attachment style and willing to do their work on themselves and have self awareness...
Subconsciously, an avoidant feels reassured and in control by sensing the usually anxiously attached is unlikely to leave them even if they give little - and they would be right. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined.
Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life, the ordinariness of everyday routines
@user-gt4bz2zq7f Well said! This is spot on. 👌 Currently dealing with this and finding it hard to navigate.
This is very true, and the DA really needs to be held accountable in relationships for this. But, not in a punishing kind of way, just, the anxious has to stand up for themselves and leave if this is what they’re getting. The DA will either be ready and wanting to work on it and stay, or they’ll leave. But an anxious holding onto this is just as much responsible for the ongoing dynamic as the DA. It’s tough.
Yes he does that alit with other people , because we are" just friends". And yes I don't want to leave home. And yes I know it's not good and that is causing it to last longer. I'm really trying to work on myself. I'm getting to the point though where I have to leave and there might not be any other toys and this new breakup I'm having might be the time I don't know. Probably should have been the time before this but insecure people take a long time to learn
@@jennettebaughan4393 you’re choosing to continue in the dynamic. What you permit, you promote.
This is bang on. With a DA you can only have what looks on the outside like an intimate relationship.
So basically, "6 Reasons Not to Get Involved with Dismissive Avoidants" if you love yourself and want a reciprocal relationship that doesn't drain the life out of you. No shade to the DAs actually doing the work of healing their attachment style. I'm just done being a part of their process. Finding this channel focuses my attention on healing myself and attracting someone secure.
The tragedy is that the DA seems unaware of the pain and heartache they inflict on their open hearted victims.
@@jonwilkinson3886 and they avoid conflict and even the gentlest criticism like the plague so even trying to communicate this to them makes them pull away even more.
Terrible partners for sure
@@RachelAnnie just the other night i said somethimg to my DA that sent him completely spiralling into a very triggered state that set him off so badly evem after i apologized because it was a crticism of him. He sat stoic across me for an hour literally stewimg, after i had said what i said and he looked at me like i had killed his cat or somethimg, just super deeply wounded and hurt badly., he sat some more , then finally put his shoes on and was gettimg ready to leave., when i tried to explain why i said what i said he goes "you sure know how to cut a motherfucker down, that really hurt". Then walked out in a huff while i looked at him with my mouth wide open.
@@asmallbitchybanana yeah if he's not aware of his attachment, the shame of failing you is going to be unbearable. Until he learns to interrogate his reactions & take criticism/say how he feels it's going to be rough. Male DA, btw. Can be done, but it's a STRUGGLE.
Assume that you will get rejected when you allow connection, so you don't allow any connection to avoid getting hurt and that causes the relationship to die off and you reject or get rejected. A genius way of going through life..
DA here. I finally told my mother that I was a DA and that it had a lot to do with her and my father. She didn't take it hard but I had to explain that I have avoided deep relationships as a result of not having my needs met when I was younger. It's liberating yet scary at the same time. I'm having a hard time reprogramming because vulnerability is evil to me.
I hear you. I show up as primarily SA, secondarily FA, on the attachment quiz, but the anxious and dismissive sides are totally separate for me. What I found to be immensely helpful in healing the DA part was to start being very selective with my friends (I didn't even bother trying to date because I knew it would be too much). I sought out people I knew were safe and trustworthy, and began to push myself little by little into deeper friendships with them. Once that was resolved (and it took years), I started dating. I definitely recommend starting small so you don't bite off more than you can chew.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I show up as FA and the only relationship that lasts is with another FA or DA. I need to be anxious to stay, albeit with one foot out the door.
@@alyajewellery Yeah, that makes sense. The anxiety drives the will to stay.
@@alyajewellery hahaha, I can identify with this. Although the anxiety is starting to overwhelm me now . Every now and then , some reassuring helps !
@@alyajewellery I’am FA, always one foot out of the door.
DA’s can grow. I’m an FA, in a committed and loving 4-year relationship with a DA-becoming-secure partner. It started out as a situationship for sure, with so many additional dynamic challenges and triggers for my own core wounds, and literally would not have survived that phase had I not found Thais’ videos at the time. I didn’t even know about attachment style then lol. We struggled with so many of the issues in this video and I struggled in so many ways like so many of the commenters here, and now I would say we are in MUCH healthier relationship than we’ve ever been. DA’s are not bad. FA’s are not bad. We are all humans working through the challenges we have and deserve to be able to do so. But, not everyone is compatible, and not everyone is compatible at the same time. You MUST be willing to look at your own patterns, and you must be willing to express your boundaries/wants/needs and leave if the other is not able to meet them/let them go if they are unsure. It is HARD and scary work. But if you can do it, and if you are with a person who is compatible with you and who also wants to grow, it can be so beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
Don’t wait for a man or anyone to grow up. Don’t wait for DA to become secure! Only date people who already become secure. Staying in a relationship with DA will not guide him/her become secure, breaking up with him/ her might. Sometimes even breaking up won’t change a DA.
I'm happy for you because it sounds like you have a DA partner thats open to admitting they have things to work on and then actually going ahead and working on those things. Many DA partners cannot take that step
@@SangheiliSpecOp I do, but that wasn’t necessarily the case from the beginning. Had he not been, it would have been too painful to stay in the relationship for sure.
@@soniathompson4754 I meant to say "Many DA partners" not "Maybe DA partners" in my original reply but I edited it. And yeah I hear you, I'm really really happy for you. I'm an AP with a long distance DA partner. Honeymoon phase was amazing and I thought he was the one, but its devolved, upon learning he was a DA, a lot of cold moments and lack of "I love yous" or lack of sex all started to make sense to me, now hes been consumed by the new call of duty game and playing with friends (its an outlet for him) and my relationship with him feels like its non-existant right now. I try to talk about us with him and I get no response, a subject change, he withdrawals, or he gets defensive (I try to be as neutral as possible), OR he just says "sure we can talk" or "sure we can do that" and it doesn't happen. Its like its a whole new person to who I fell in love with and I feel like my life has shortened a bit with all the stress I go through every day. I have informed him of attachment theory, of the fact that I know now that I'm an AP and I believe he might be a DA, he reluctantly watched a couple vids I linked him on both attachment styles, I got zero input or discussion from him on it so I'll never ever know what hes thinking and he doesn't want to talk about it and I can only guess, he just doesn't want to meet me in the middle and prefers to withdraw, change his status to offline everywhere (he knows thats an anxiety trigger for me, i've been cheated on in the past) and just do his own thing. And I know he loves me to some capacity? When its convenient? But hes okay with hanging with friends every day now and is definitely not the guy that was into me before, wanting to do sexual stuff all the time or pulling me away just to talk to me about things. Hes just tuned out of the relationship completely. I can't do this anymore and I knew I couldn't for a while and I'm still here pulling my hair out. I'm sorry for breaking down here, I know you didn't ask for all of this
This information helps us understand avoidants. It tells us nothing about hope for a relationship with an avoidant. 'Stay away' is still the best advice.
Remember in Friends when chandler thought the first fight with Monica was the end of the relationship!? 😊
Some of these experiences did not only happen in childhood, but also in adult relationships which only reinforces the subconscious belief that being vulnerable or attaching leads to a painful result.
A "friend" shared this with me and it hit pretty hard. I've always been hard to get close to (friends, family, significant others). I've never had a long term relationship other than some good friendships and struggle to keep in touch with people, but I recognize my flaws and am working on them. Friends describe me as generous and I'll drop everything to help someone out, but rarely ask for help. I am on good terms with exes (majority) but have yet to be successful in a relationship. As a DA, I feel like a ship that has never had a home port, safe harbor and as a result, I'm constantly adrift. I'm working on it (my issues) and these videos are such a big help on my journey.
Gret to see you recognize it and working on it - thats REALLY is the first step. DA's do not KNOW the pain they cause 's us..Im sure there are people out there who have harmed themselves because of the antics of their DA's And DA's dont even know that they are hurting people.
@@justmegee88 My former DA was Sooo dismissive. It triggered my abandonment wound badly enough that I self harmed. Which I had never done up to that point. The DA was toxic, cold and distant. He had no emotional understanding. All logic, and unemotional.
It's great youre trying to heal your wounds. Can you go to therapy?
DAs do situationship is because it is to their best interest. Because they know you like them more than they like you. If you are the one want situationship, DAs definitely don’t want it
You figured them well out. It's about having a situationship on their own terms. They will see you when they want if you allow.
I loved a DA , but I was clear I wasn't interested in this arrangement & went complete no contact, so I can widen chances of meeting available partners that I can love with reciprocity.
Or live single.
@@ceranyab1223true he got mad saying give him space and that I kept blowing up his phone smh
You would think though that the repeated cycle of DA’s wanting to connect but being unable to achieve true intimacy would be in its own way so painful that they’d want to explore this!
I’ve been involved with a DA for the past 3 years and I have been working on my AP attachment style for the past year. He frequently fantasizes about being with me and tells me this but makes no move to meet up with me. He’s coparenting a child with someone he was seeing briefly when we’re in no contact and even though he’s not in love with her at all and claims feelings for me, he still wants a situationship with me! He was probably drinking when he said this but he was upset that I wouldn’t just see him on his timetable.
I’ve grown so much as has my self-esteem that I told him I cared for him but wouldn’t be a secret. I didn’t want a little time with him here and there (especially if it’s mainly for sex). He finally unfriended me on FB and I think I won’t hear from him again because I finally drew a boundary. He shouldn’t be surprised though! He’s known for awhile that I loved him. He likes hearing how much I care but unwilling or unable to do anything about it. Men tell you the truth: “I don’t think I can be whatyou need me to be.”
I can’t keep feeling I’m abandoning him when I’m really abandoning my own desire for a loving committed relationship. I finally realized that his feelings for me just don’t justify continuing in a situation that ultimately doesn’t serve me at all even though I’ve tried to be sooooo patient. My patience, empathy and understanding (and even telling him I accepted the way he was) did not pay off. 😔 At least he awakened me to my own self-worth so I can’t say these last 3 years waiting for him to come around was a complete waste.
Hi Rachel as DA I'd like to share my personal experience in regards to your first statement/question. I am 45 years old and have repeated the DA playbook for as long as I can remember. I have been in therapy for well over 10 years trying to figure out why I am the way I am. And found very few answers. It got the point over the past few years I basically threw in the towel and stopped trying because it better than continuing to hurt the women I was dating. I felt so broken and now on top of that I was an "asshole" too every time broke it out with someone out of the blue. It wasn't until I stumbled upon attachment styles that I had a "holy shit they are totally talking about me moment" I felt so much relief. Now I am trying to do the work and move towards being secure as all i have ever truly wanted in life is to being in a loving relationship!
@@blest4152 thank you so much for sharing this. I also appreciate that you wanted to stop the heartbreak. It shows you have empathy. It doesn’t sit right with me that DA’s are written off as a group and yet I find myself in the position where I have to let him go for my own sanity and heart. I’m really glad that you’re doing the work. The Personal Development School has been very eye-opening for understanding my own attachment style as well as others’. My guy is 33 and I’m really hoping that like you he is inspired to look inward and realize that living on autopilot jumping from situationship to situationship isn’t it.
I had the same experience, so I can totally relate to your pain.
@@Alphacentauri819 your explanation and comment is very much sppreciated. Everything you reiterated on and expanded on was exactly what was happening to me and my ex DA. This is literally what happened everytime i tried at first to gently approach the subject of his a oidance tactics as my way to perhaps get validation that he can possibly see or acknowledge his struggle with avoidant behavior. Nothing ever came of it no matter how safe my words were or how soft or non assertive my communication style was. I struggled greatly to just communicate my needs and in turn, all it did was drive him away even further or for the whole back n forth to turn nasty until i finslly gsve uo, then he would come back around again i suppose when he was missing the safety of my presence.. he finally blocked me because he wanted me to apologize for something i shouldnt even be spologizing for, i in turn demanded he equally apologize to me and asked him to meet me halfway which he just csnt seem to grasp. His mindset is “there are two people in a relationship, but only one person can drive the other person away and ruin it” referring to me. Says that i should just leave things alone and go with the flow. I am fine going with the flow but i also need to have hard conversations where i see some form of reciprocity and effort and energy to fix the relationship issues.
I finally now see a relationship with him is not possible at all until he comes to self realization and sees the fact that the core issues we are having are solvable, but he has to be on board with wanting it as much as i do, because it will neevr work in a one sided way ever.
I miss him and long for him, but the truth is, everything will be surface level until he does some inner healing. I cant force it anymore. Im sick of the push and pull dynamic.
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you so much for this explanation. I guess from my own filter as an AP learning to be more secure I cannot imagine allowing my fear to override giving and even receiving love and affection. I kept giving him little kisses one time as we were parting and he loved it but was very confused by it. He said “so much affection” and he looked at me wonderingly.
What you’ve said explains a lot though because he wants the connection with me but only in a physical way or a superficial way. He pushes me often to tell him how I feel about him but then never reciprocates. It’s like he needs the reassurance that I love him without me asking him for anything in return and for awhile… I was willing to do that. No more though. For a people pleaser like me and someone who would always push aside my own needs in favor of making others feel good about me and themselves, I thought my efforts to empower myself were “selfish” (but this person needs me! I thought). But that was just my hurt inner child thinking I had to jump through all these hoops to receive love. I don’t need to do that anymore and slowly it’s feeling better and better to validate myself and know that I’m worth a fully committed mutual relationship not a half-relationship where I do all the feeling for the both of us.
Can you make a video on the steps to take to move out of a situationship with a DA / DA leaning FA partner and into a more committed relationship? 🙏🏽
Avoidants seem comfortable with who they are and what they do. Why would they want to change to secure esp amidst so many insecure attachments? It looks like they are safer after all.
Esp because they are more in tune with their logic and mental state as opposed to emotional, what would be the catch for them to work towards secure? Therefore isn't it better that Avoidants be with fellow avoidants. It seems it would be the most perfect match since they are comfortably similar.
This is my ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP with my boyfriend explained in a nutshell.
I have dated both AP and DAs. This is my quick opinion on them.
AP- please love me so I can feel lovable, come close and love me, why don’t you love me, no one loves me, I don’t even love myself.
DA- why do you love me, what is wrong with you, stay away I am broken and unlovable, there is something wrong with me, get away from me, I am unlovable, I don’t even love myself.
The key thing that both of them have in common but they show in different ways is that they don’t love themselves. There is nothing a partner can do there as it has nothing to do with you. They need to work on themselves and on self love, they need to do the work on themselves, unfortunate that they have this traumatic self wound that they need to heal, but unless they do, hurt people hurt others.
PS: FAs just wobble between these 2 sides but they feel unlovable as well
So basically, DA's view healthy relationships as toxic, when in actuality, THEY are the toxic ones. Just because someone is toxic because they experienced trauma, doesnt mean it isnt evil behavior and causing havoc and irreparable damage in another's life.
And it's possible that they were instrumental in causing some of that trauma too. If they were being dismissive and someone lashed out at them, it's extremely helpful to take a look at what caused it.
They simply brainlessly pass on the hurt from someone preciously to someone care about her now unfairly - in a ugly way.
"Irreparable damage", sorry but that is laughably dramatic. It doesn't sound like you are taking ownership and accountability of your own emotions.
@@0Demiyah0 its not laughable when the trauma and stress land a person in the hospital and causes physical harm
@@myspirit.divinecenter2980 no, those are very distressing situations, but you cannot blame that trigger to self-harm onto somebody else. We always have our own accountability to how we let others influence us, and what we choose to entertain. So, it the relationship was this detrimental, the question is - why did you tolerate it to the point that it crossed boundaries that far?
Looking at our own behavior and decisions when we have been victimized to a degree is hard, but it is also what will eventually elevate us out of victimhood into secure agents of our life.
I'm speaking to this from the perspective of someone who was verbally, emotionally, financially, physically and sexually abused. This situation went on for years and was constantly re-traumatizing. It was very damaging, but not irreparable. I took that ownership to analyze my part to make sure it is not irreparable.
That is also the reason why I was rude in reaction to that part. I have been a victim with dire consequences, I discerned with a therapist that I have been through roughly 150 separate incidents of physical and sexual abuse, but I don't want to grant that the power to be irreparable or insurmountable to recover from. I notice what sets my case apart from other victims, is that they self-identify with victimhood and have some sort of stake into framing themselves as victims, whereas I really did not want the damage to be perpetuated by my own mindset towards it.
Thanks Thais for the info on DAs. Unfortunately too late for me but I know in my heart of hearts I tried my best for as long as I could.
Ditto 😊
I told my DA I felt like all they were giving me were breadcrumbs .. he replied breadcrumbs are all he has. What do I do with that? Surface level depth and minimal intimacy .. 3.5 years in. My heart is breaking.
The same... 2 y together and reciving only breadcrumbs, losing hope 😢
@@monicamonica5924 Hugs to you 🤗
You tell him you love him and you wish that were enough for you, and then you are honest with yourself and with him and tell him that as much as you do wish it were, it is not. It’s truly heartbreaking, but avoidants do not change successfully when their motivation is to make somebody else feel better. They shouldn’t have to-that isn’t real and if there is anything the FA/DA needs and deserves, it is an authentic experience rooted in themselves. You deserve to find the love you are ready for, but in order to do so, you too must be authentic and honest about what you want.
@@soniathompson4754 Thank you very much for your wise words 💜
Sounds like a typical, hopeless, defeated DA. They don’t believe in relationships and believe they are incapable and only able to provide breadcrumbs. Ask him to question that story. It’s an old story that no longer serves him.
im in this situation, i cried for a month straight, i might need to let go, thank you so much
Going through this now. Starting to think that probably soon I might also need to let it go.
I have an NPD mom who weaponized personal knowledge and pounced on emotional vulnerability as opportunity for manipulation and public humiliation. I was expected to be an extension of her, to never be my own person or have my own opinions or ideas. She was a meth addict in my early childhood and an alcoholic after "treatment" when I was in elementary school, but hid it very well. I am a DA with CPTSD but only in the last few years have I had a name and the beginning of an understanding why I'm broken the way I am. I only knew I WAS broken and that I hurt people I loved. I barely recognize my own emotional needs, and tend to dismissive them, which makes it hard to recognize and meet the needs of others. So I've been single for 21 years. I tried a situationship once, but he wanted more after 4 years and I couldn't. Watching him fall apart and spin out of control was one of the worst things ever. That shattered me more. I've been alone ever since. The idea of allowing myself to be vulnerable causes a literal physical reaction in my body. I think it's panic. I'm sorry so many in the comments have had rough goes with DA's. It's messed up hardwiring, unfortunately, and painfully hard to fix. Most of the time it means doing deep childhood trauma work as well.
I love that you dont make excuses for their often disrespectful behavior! So many people seem to think that because they are struggling and do not intentionally display these behaviors out of malice that its not wrong. Yes, it is something we have to accept about them but it is something they should feel responsible for working on to improve their relationships rather than blaming everyone but themselves. great explanation!
DAs are just the worst to deal with. I got sick of their excuses.
Damn I’m an FA in a situationship with a DA. Spot on.😢
It just occurred to me while watching this video.... In a similar manner to the AP and their attempting to hold on tight actually having the effect of the DA wanting to pull away, it seems that the DA with their avoidance of attachment, encourages the very neglect that they are afraid of. I have bouts of this in my own relationship - I'm AP, and I believe she is DA.
Absolutely this. They self sabotage. My ex DA once told me that he had a habit of pushing people into doing things that upset him. It's almost like they have an irrational thought or fear and feel the need to prove it as true, and so they force their partner into proving it. My ex would ignore me trying to communicate for weeks or months and then when I understandably hit my breaking point and exploded he could tell himself "see I knew she was needy and over emotional" as if he didn't aggressively force me into that corner..
Yes its the anxious avoidant trap, the push and pull.
@@droid2D2C3P0 yup. Its a vicious cycle. They say and do things they know are triggers to you then when you cant take it any longer, yiure thecproblem since you asserted your needs and boundaries. What a sad life all the way around.
@@droid2D2C3P0 this is called emotional abuse.
I’m sorry that they put you through that. You don’t deserve it
I'm half FA and half DA. I'm single obviously. After having had a very difficult relationship with someone just like me I've decided to stay single. I'm 53 and it's very difficult to reprogram at my age but I love life and I'm sure I can be just as happy. Thanks Thais
As cliche as it sounds, it is never too late to embrace a better version of ourself.
Everything matches up here with what I have experienced. Two and a half months out and she has deleted me completely from her life after the most wonderful, amazing time together. She let me in and I know that was a big thing for her. The most heart breaking and frustrating time ever but I understand so much more now about how she is and more importantly, how I was before and am now after the break up, which makes it more frustrating in a way. Thank you for these informative videos, they really do help in understanding some of the whys. She will always have a place in my heart, the only woman I wanted to marry.
I'm sorry but it is even hard when you know. Just take care of yourself
Dude, knock it off. Get your shit together
@@dr.seanbehnam5574 She had been messaging me, flirting, etc for four years previous to getting together and then initiated the relationship, so I suppose I gave in to her, which I wanted too. Then I was totally in. We connected unbelievably, got engaged. Then she left.
I’m exactly where you are, 3 months in... and out of the blue, one day gone. I didn’t know people could operate this way. You question everything- was it all fake for them? Meaningless? A lie? Entertainment? This was an otherwise decent, good person and the pace was so slow and careful, and it STILL happened. It changes how you see the world and how you trust people forever. I don’t know what the answer is, but you aren’t alone, friend.
@@carly8056 Same here, plus refuses to talk about it. Take care out there!
Thank you for your work. So helpful, wish I could’ve found this sooner.
Very accurate content as always!!
Your lectures keep getting better and better. Thanks
FA here. I still have to take the lead in showing my DA friend that we can navigate through difficult things and situations. She still wants to pull away at times but if she does it’s a lot shorter now and much less frequent. I’ve learned how to understand why and I don’t get hurt nearly as much anymore if it’s still a significant pull away. I’m learning to let her know or feel that she doesn’t have to worry like she did before. Still a long work in progress, but making progress in the last few months like never before. She has come a very long way and not sure that she knows it. I feel I have made what seems like a thousand miles of progress. But still much more to work on. Thank you for your videos and your courses.
Same experience for me. The more I work on myself, the more I allow my DA love to have the space to feel his fears, the more I let go and fill my cup, the more I see us enjoying each other and then getting closer. We have overcome so much in 4 years! There are times I feel the frustration and think, what am I doing? But mostly he is such an amazing human being, and we really get along great together. We have separate apartments and live practically next door so we can take the space or be together, which helps us in so many ways. It's very rewarding for me to see myself grow and to appreciate the inner growth that my dear one does in his own way. If I learn self love, patience, boundaries, unconditional love, have some wonderful times together, development a great friendship, etc, etc,, than it's all worth it. And thank you a gazillion times, Thais!! I'm going to take one of your courses soon.
I'm an FA with a DA and I cherish him. He's also high-functioning aspergers so he's brilliant at his job but hopeless at communication. His idea of great communication is sitting in silence with me for the duration of the restaurant meal. I've worked on myself and instinctively responds more openly when I'm laughing and relaxed and hugging him. When I take through a challenge of my own he tells me I'm moaning. He's wrong - I'm working things through in my head - but I never say that because he doesn't understand psychology. He doesn't have any self awareness, he hurts me and he pretends he's sorry. He's not able to emotionally connect to another human because of his aspergers - he talks about his computer 'not liking' getting hot - as if it has feelings. He will ignore me and sit at his computer as an escape because humans literally confuse and scare him, he thinks we're all mad and mental and just plain 'wrong-thinking'. He doesn't understand everyone's different. But he's the most kind, loyal, honest, sensitive, helpful and generous person I've ever met in my life.
Because I feel ignored, not understood and unloved by him ie he gives me low self-esteem, I go to church and believe in God who loves me Unconditionally and forever.
Thais, after my therapist discussed attachment theory, I found you and you are helping me grow as I enter my mid 30s. I'm secure but did have avoidant & anxious tendencies in my 20s. Me and my sister grew up with a single father who was an alcoholic. Before our parents divorced, we saw domestic violence, infidelity and my mother was dismissive. Our father eventually died at 43. We then went to live with our grandparents and we changed after a lot of heart ache. We had more support in a sense and our aunts and uncles showed us what healthier relationships look like with chats and books. We also went for therapy on and off. We're both secure and are women that are loving, empathetic, open to children and commitment, adventurous and can fight better. Relationships took work for me! In my 20s, I was left twice, one man married another women without telling. Now I'm with an FA but he's extremely kind, he is fearful and that push and pull dynamic threw me off big time and the situationship was not new to me because I did that before but it's not what I wanted to be in after 5 years of being single. He was going to move out after an explosive fight after his dad died of cancer, I encouraged him to go. I made peace with his choice. He decided to stay in the end on his own. As long as he acknowledges his stuff and works on changing his communication, which I see, I'm happy. He's very funny, helpful, hard working, supportive of my lifestyle and work, and can cook and clean and does house chores for me. He's quiet and keeps stuff to himself. We fight better and I think now he understands fights don't equal a break up or that you're not the "one." Does vent through games and seeing the few friends he has which I have to accept. He's grieving now after his dad died to cancer but is becoming better now, I am happy to have met him, struggles and all. But it is tough friends, you just gotta decide what things you can handle, and which ones you won't! Be firm but be flexible too.
“The Situationship” luv it.
that's my ex, I used to feel compassion for them, i don't anymore
Have been in a situation ship with a DA for about 2 years. I find it so incredibly difficult to read his signs, and I am never sure when he backs away, just how long to Not reach out- how long to let him have the space he needs. I am AP, but actively working on it!, so I tend to interpret not hearing from him as it being 'about me', but I am learning that it is really about him. Just never sure how much to push to try and move forward or when to just back away as well.
You described exactly what I'm feeling and going through right now... well put
So common with DA’s before time and them doing some work 😌. I’m FA, but lean anxious with my DA partner (more so in the first few years). That walking on eggshells you’re describing was my experience completely for a long time. Thais’ videos and coming to understand him more definitely kept me going through a lot of that, so when all else fails, keep learning lol. But, in reality, we would not have made it to where we are now (a committed, 4 year relationship, living together and communicating much more openly, with lots of affection), had I not been willing to walk away at times when it became too much. Giving space is important, but not all on his terms. If he is not communicating, and not willing to do some work on that himself so that you can come to a place of peace and working on your own attachment issues without feeling like a total anxious mess, that is unhealthy and you will never really be happy in that situation. I said to my DA a couple times after going through that for quite some time, “I thought I could do this, but really I am made for a monogamous, committed relationship (which is my truth) and I understand if that is not what you want, or do not want that with me, but I have to be true to myself.” In various ways I would say that when it felt needed. When he broke up with me, during our first year together, he would still send me texts/memes, etc. and I would maybe simply “like” or outright ignore his social media posts. He then asked about it in a sort of defensive way, “am I bothering you? Do you want me to just leave you alone?” And again, I had to ground myself in my truth. I didn’t hate him, revenge wasn’t my desired outcome. I was simply hurting and it was too painful to expose myself to those things under the circumstances. So I told him, “you’re not bothering me, but this is difficult for me and right now, I can’t just be friends. I have to work on myself and get over this, and eventually, perhaps we can. I wish you the best.” I needed to do that even though I didn’t want him to go. Because, if they’re not sure, or they do want to go, that is not a relationship you want to invest in, and you have to accept the reality. If they are just going through their DA things, and avoiding the work because it is more comfortable to stay in the “situationship,” then you have to be willing to walk away from that too. Unless that’s what you want forever. Stop trying simply to react to his cues, and take care of yourself too ❤
@@soniathompson4754 So, so well put!! Thank you!
@@ayeayeaye2380 I wish you the best ❤️
You just described my confusing situationship with a DA. He fits the profile exactly. I am secure. This channel perfectly describes the confusing behavior I could not understand. Would be helpful to know how to navigate and how to help. Thank you.
@@Alphacentauri819 Thank you for your generous, insightful response. Yes I tested secure and I can see how this situation has brought out other tendencies within me as well, a reflection. It is challenging desiring for others we care about what ultimately we must all do for ourselves. I entered casually up front then noticed the odd behavioral dynamic between us for which I have found answers here. Now to self reflect on how and why I've brought this into my life, and hopefully create positive changes going forward.
Secures aren’t magically perfect. I’m secure also. I was in a situationship with a DA (I think) for 2 years. It’s difficult because you express your needs and make assumptions or believe you’re both on the same page but a DA does things on their timeline not cooperatively. You’re already attached when you start to see noncommittal behaviours - situationship is a confusing title I’d define it more as a relationship that’s unbalanced and is difficult to progress
Update?
This is super informative, helpful, and validating. Thank you.
Always putting something before the partner or relationship. They fear no one will meet their needs and thus don't meet the needs of others. Everything is surface level. They fear intimacy and if they don't do the work; they will assume their feeling are elicited by the person in front of them. So they assume the problem is caused by this person. But it's their script so they would do this to anyone. If they can do the work they will be so much happier but there are those who are so closed off and believe these cognitive distortions are true. They simply are not open to new experiences ( from the fast 5 personality test). Their are degrees of d. a.'s so of course I believe my statement refers to extreme d.a. who live quite unconsciously. Small boundaries are useful instead of Hugh boundaries. Can't rely on others or show up for another because that may show vulnerability. If your a d. a. and can do the work pat yourself on the back.
Amen
I’m a DA and I do not like situationships. I think it’s irresponsible to generalize this way because it puts the burden of poor relationship patterns on people with DA attachment styles. Not everyone who doesn’t like commitment is DA.
Thank you so much for your video. I'm going through the like 4th/5th breakup with a guy I believe is DA, and I've seen so many of these things that I wish he had taken responsibility for instead of the disengagement through learned helplessness. I had brought up things like letting me know that small things that come up should be talked about right then to avoid eruptions along the line that could have been shifts right as they happened the first times. I feel like I really did a great job trying to communicate my boundaries and that he shouldn't feel so bad for getting things wrong by his learned helplessness, but I think it was just quicker for him to assume I was being too pushy or expectant. I also don't want to live inside his comfort zone; I'm all about growing, expanding, learning, and it did feel like he didn't have that verve for learning. It did feel very one-sided in which I would act as his therapist, and he didn't make the effort to learn more about therapeutic communication to console me about things like polyamory, transness, familial problems, etc.
Great video. Side note: there were a few audio issues in the video just a heads up
12:27
Thank you for these excellent videos Thais! They help me *so* much with my current relationship (situationship, haha?) with a DA. I know that his father played a huge role in why he is the way he is and he is just trying to protect himself from hurt. He is too precious of a soul to give up on and I love trying to figure out how best to be with him and communicate with him~~so far we are doing well and he opens up more and more each week. (I am also on the DA side with some anxiousness thrown in there for fun so I am learning about my own struggles as well)
"He is too precious of a soul to give up on"....Omg that part! Thank you for sharing so honestly & affirming what is also going on with my DA as well. Such a roller coaster of patience & prayer when our heart is involved, eh? Best wishes to you both & take care!
@@sindyt1589 Thank you and same to you! 🙏💗🙏
I feel the same way about the DA I am involved with. I am a FA. He is fascinating to me and I value him. Our differences make me explore my limitations. I feel the same is happening to him. Two years and 3 months in. I am not in a hurry.
Oops, little glitches in the audio and video at the end… still got the point across though, thanks ☺️ 👏
I would appreciate it if you grow up and stop picking on this lady and her content. The video wasn’t perfect who cares. Focus on the bigger picture and encourage her. The comment was literally uncalled for
I thought I was anxious preoccupied, but this concept of breadcrumbing is absolutely what I do. The problem is that any indications of interest from the other person are so surface level and fleeting, I don't even really know if they have an interest. It's so hard to know. But so often breadcrumbing is what it turns into. I glance at them, they glance at me. We say hi to each other on occasion.
Honestly, I have such little experience, I really don't even know what to do if a girl really comes on to me and tries to be my friend. I just assume to keep it all strictly platonic until something else happens. And if nothing happens, then nothing happens. But for all I know, they might be expecting me to make some sort of move that way because "I'm the guy". So I mean, who knows.
You gotta lead the situation... Ask yourself, what do you want to happen... Then go from there.
What you are describing is not exactly breadcrumbing though. Breadcrumbing doesn’t really apply to “relationships” that haven’t even begun. You could very well be an AP and do what you are describing. I would take the quiz if you haven’t already ☺️
What is breadcrumbing within relationships? Can you leave an example 😅
Hi loved the video and it came at such a good time lol. I’m in a situationship and this guy definitely meets the criteria for DA. He was in a 5 year relationship that ended back in March. I see the flags but I see he is trying to improve. He is working on himself and going to therapy. I just dont know should I point it out or what can I do to subtly get him to focus more on opening up emotionally and being vulnerable
I was in a relationship with a textbook DA for 2 years in what I believe was actually a “situationship” when I’d express concerns that it didn’t feel like a real committed relationship to me I was gaslit told they were committed to a future but nothing changed and we couldn’t resolve conflict (I’m secure) .. he’s now living with his new gf of 6 months. Very confusing?!
I’m so sorry. I fell in love with one too. It’s heartbreaking 💔, earth shattering stuff in spurts. My heart goes out to all involved in this dynamic, it’s brutal
Dated a DA (with some FA tendencies) for a year. I am secure. He would frequently tell me he felt I kept him at arms length and our dynamic was “off”. Was this projection? I suspect this was how he was feeling and he was putting it back on me. Would be interested to hear a DA’s take. For what it’s worth I was always baffled by him saying this as, contrary to keeping him at arms length, I actually craved his attention/affection the majority of the time. If anyone was kept at arms length it was me!
My goodness your text was spot on! I just ended a 3 year relationship I'm secure and he's a DA...just like you said he kept me at arms length always! The blame was always on me! It was the most exhausting relationship I've ever been in! Not anymore I'm done !!
@@susansmith9318 Yes, it is utterly exhausting and drains your energy like nothing else. I am scared about moving on now in case I meet one of these people again. They are very very adept at laying it on thick in the beginning and reeling you in before the red flags start to crop up with ever increasing regularity as they pull up the drawbridge and make their retreat. All the time pointing the finger of blame at you and making you question your own sanity. Heartbreaking for all concerned really. I’m sorry you had to experience it too and I hope you can find some peace now and a healthier relationship in the future.
I had exactly the same experience. Craving deeper connection, including more touch yet she blamed me for it. I’d love to know what was going on but I suspect even she doesn’t know. 3 years and she abruptly ended it over the phone for trivial reasons. When presented with her lack of logic, she shut down communication and wouldn’t meet. Thank you Thais for helping make sense of all this.
I have or had dated an avoidant for 3 months.
The first 3 dates where wonderful with us making out a few times and me meeting her parents me thinking everything was fine and she was natural with it.
I randomly got a call saying she wanted a friendship after that but still wanting to date the following week.
The 4th time we caught up I asked her why she wanted to break up and she came up with a bunch of logical reasons eg 'distance from each other' why we could not be together.
I told her nothing or relationship but she got upset and wanted a relationship again.
5th date and she shyed off kissing at the end and kind of acted as if it was some discusting act 💁♂even though the whole date went well.
Same thing happened on the 6th date...
I called her that week, I wanted to be on the same page of whatever I was to her and I accepted a friendship with her.
Now we just met up for a coffee today and she acted the exact same way at the end as if I was going to overpower her or something by giving her a peck on the cheek which I wasn't even going to do in the first place.
I voiced all this to her each date beforehand about whether she was uncomfortable about kissing and she said no.
Such a confusing person on the intimate side, she makes me feel like a creep but I still like her as a FRIEND definitely nothing else now 'ever again' I don't want to feel like a hug or a kiss is attacking someone when you are with them.
We talk for around 4 hours every time we meet, now I have realized to just take every thought of connection out EVER I am just still confused on the initial good start then the whole avoidance.
I am in a situationship as an AP with my DA technically ex boyfriend. We started off as friends in nursing school and eventually got together our second semester of nursing school. We ended up taking the NCLEX together and became registered nurses together! However, he started going through family issues and eventually we had a falling out and he ghosted me for over a year. At that point, we were together for almost 2 years, that nearly destroyed me. But just 2 months ago, I reached back out to him and he apologized for what he did and told me he was depressed. Now we have been talking to and seeing each other but we aren’t official just in limbo at this point…
Wow this is the exact same thing that happened to me last summer. I reached out after being ghosted by my ex DA situationship 2.5 years earlier. Everything was great, we had both done a ton of work on ourselves. 6 months later he broke down back into DA tendencies.. I'm crossing my fingers you have better luck!!
I'm sorry you has to go through that.... The ghosting :(
I understand this, stay strong.
Youre not going to get any younger please don’t let some idiot waste your time. Take this from someone who’s in her mid 20/ and feels so bad for letting men waste her time
I have definitely experienced many different situations hips
Can you do a series specific to marriage and parenting on each attachment style?
Most of the videos are for Dating
And they're great.
Yes, it feels like most of these videos are focused towards the young, 20 something dating types. I'm in my 50's in a 5 year relationship with a DA and we live together. It's harder as we're older carrying baggage to just cut and move on.
Thank you, I really enjoyed this video and would like to see more like it diving a bit deeper. Also, learning more about the other attachment styles and NPD would be really great too. Do people with NPD ever figure out if they have it or want to change/heal? Is NPD a spectrum too, or do some people with NPD exhibit lesser symptoms/behaviors? Are things like gaslighting unique to NPD? How can you tell if you or someone you know has NPD?
I’m a married guy who had a female friend who I started seeing as my best friend after two of friendship the seemed to grown into something strong and I started to feel safe. She picked up on me seeing her differently but took it as me having romantic feelings for her and wanting to get with her. After learning about D.A.A. in therapy and doing a lot of research, I think she might be a D.A. I think me seeing her as that special bff triggered her in which her reactions that I didn’t understand, definitely triggered my Cptsd. Even though I’ve been working hard on my mental health and learning to deal and work with the Cptsd, I’ve still been struggling and hurting on how she could just so easily throw me away. These video have brought me some comfort if she is indeed D.A. because much like me with my Cptsd, she might not be realizing what’s she’s doing and her throwing me away might not be her fault. If she is a D.A. these videos have helped me understand her better. Thank you.
Are you saying that healthy interdependence within a relationship can FEEL like codependency for the avoidant?
Parents of DAs really mess them up 😔
Ugh, all so true. Mine is a situationship but never 'dated', just plows into and out of my life when he wants to. Shares and shows small vulnerability and then disappears.
I am at the point where I want to tell him to leave me alone, because it's not connected enough for me and drains my energy. But I also want to make sure I don't have him use my leaving as validation to not get close (to others), if that makes sense?
I mean, he can't/won't give more. He's not aware of attachment styles. I am trying to heal the FA in me. (I also am wondering if my high-tailing it is part of my 'I'll leave you before you leave me' behavior...even though we are not "together". And is cutting ties helping me heal or perpetuating? )
I just don't want to be cruel. But I guess maybe there's the possibility he won't even bat an eye.
Exhausting. Confusing. Stuck.
Exactly the same here...
I relate to this so much 😢
" Just plows into and out... "
You own this, how can you change your behavior here? For it is the only thing YOU can control or change😉
If you really don't want him to do this, tell him.
Come from a friend standpoint. Would you do this with a friend?
You can always say...hey I like our times together, and would really welcome seeing you more. From my perspective, when I suddenly see you and then just as suddenly you dissappear, I interpret it as disrespectful, or whatever you interpret it as...
You have nothing to lose, right?
You weren't clear on how he " plows " 😉
Does he text first or call?
Does he just show up at you job or home?
How is it presenting?
Nothing changes if nobody innitiates change!
Take care of yourself; forget about him. That’s his job.
We are literally the same person
My DA ex..before it ended for good, we were sitting at a bar having dinner trying to see if we could work our issues out so we can be together, neither of us had started talking yet but he mentions how I know him better than his own mom and then all hell broke out...I asked him if he could be nicer to me instead of so judgemental and that's when the huge argument began and we haven't talked since he told me to "go find someone else bc he no longer cared" is this normal for a DA ? Does he actually not care about me anymore?
I just quit seeing someone and it kills me cuz I know that is how they feel. I was with him 4 years on and off... But why don't they care to know why they do it?
You described my last situationship partner, sadly he broke up the relationship after start feel vulnerable with me, for me it was ok, i felt so confused and anxious.
My DA doesn't relate to the great fear of vulnerability, there is maybe some deeper subconscious fear of it but in the outside she can be vulnerable at times, she is pretty open about stuff if she finds way to communicate it in words, everything else you started is in point, is this unusual?
Depends on how strong their avoidant tendencies are. Mine could also be vulnerable z50 percent of the time, but majority of the time, they have ways and means around it and it shows up in other forms. Like avoiding arguments entirely or trying to minimize conflict when it starts. Their vulnerability may depend on the situation at hand. But their avoidant tactics and strategies never leave the building.
Oh my is she EVER a bread crumber. I'm still dealing with a girl that's been through more than I can put here , there's this something deep I'm deeply attracted to (but boundaries are one-sided and the toxicity, yikes)
Edit: Yes ! "Disempowering" . Seems some of us that know the next step BUT OUR (my) co dependency, is preventing the writing on the wall.
How do you recognize that it’s safe to share personal experiences without feeling like they will use your bad experiences or insecurities against you… to manipulate you? It’s honestly really hard for me to even open up because of that situation within itself.
If they do, it tells you a lot about them. It's better you know, sooner rather than later.
Yes, the hardest part of all of this is the work you must do within yourself ❤. Much more so than it is anything the other person is doing. What you are describing is super scary for sure. It happens a little at a time. First off, don’t open up to someone about things you wouldn’t want just anyone to know unless they’ve demonstrated a capacity for caring about who you really are. That can take a little time. Secondly, think about why you are doing it, and what are the expectations you have for their response? Often, we are doing it to assess whether we are acceptable or not to the other person “in spite of” something we might have difficulty talking about. And although there is a place for sharing personal things as a way to explain something in the present-for example, why we may struggle with something-if deep down, you are really subconsciously looking for somebody to fix it for you or to make you feel acceptable when you yourself have not found a way to do so, you are putting that on somebody whose job it is not to fix, while also opening yourself up to potentially a whole lot of pain should they not always be able to respond perfectly. Vulnerability ideally should come from an authentic place of working on self-healing and ridding yourSELF of shame attached to things from the past, so that you can talk about who you really are without all the self-judgment and toxic shame. The right partner will not judge you, although they may not fully understand, they will show care for your experience and hold space for you to express. If they do not, then you will likely feel some hurt and open wounds, and that is an acceptable possibility that you WILL be able to work through. What you don’t want, is to interpret another person’s inability to hold space, or their judgment, as meaning that there is definitely something wrong with you, or that attempting vulnerability is bad and you should never do it again. It is an essential part of the journey that you must go on, and it’s okay that not everybody else is on it at the same time. The right person will strike a balance within you of feeling respected and safe to walk your authentic journey, and keeping you just enough on your toes that you remain accountable to the things you are responsible to keep working on. That kind of fear is okay ❤
I would say it’s just a risk you have to accept in return for vulnerability and connection. And remember that all feelings are temporary and not be afraid of them. It might suck but you’re going to be okay if you hold on
That's a fear from childhood. You are no longer a helpless child who needs her caregivers. You can handle rejection and all other feelings. There are no guarantees in relationships, we want that because it soothes our insecurities. You can learn to trust.
I operate in the everyday life with anybody according to the police’s premise: “anything you tell me can and will be used against you.” I must be an extreme DA.
OMG I was in a situationship for 3 years and I am now and then furious about it
I have to watch this at a later time. I haven't been in a situationship. I hate all the new terms and crappy stuff people accept these days. And definitely do not like any type of avoidants at this time. Good video better for a later time. I like what you said about "hey that was a boundary for me, could you be careful of that sort of thing in the future." But I don't communicate that way and whatever type of avoidant I just had a break up with had a problem understanding what I was trying to say about boundaries.
Boundaries are fences you erect for your:
Safety
Well being
They are not rules to abide by others.
For example, I don't eat shellfish. Let's say you have an allergy.
If the other person knows this, and insists you have blue crab, then they are not respectful of your boundaries, and this could harm you. Same with lets say sexual boundaries, if someone keeps insisting on going there where you don't want, that is pushing your boundaries and you no, this person will be a no go!
I'll pass on situation ships . Like sinle even more after today.
I’m a DA and I’d been seeing a DA. Who called our “relationship” Adulting. Not dating. I’m aware of my DA patterns. He isn’t. As soon as I started questioning him about where we were going he backed away. The week after he did that he backed even further. Then he disappeared for a week. He’ll answer a text here and there. But he told me he couldn’t date anymore. Which I believe him. I just find it so sad. I’ve known him for 35 years and I see me in him. What I used to do. Is there any use in trying to introduce him to attachment styles so maybe he’d heal?
No. There’s no use. Leave him. Let them learn the hard way
You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink.
He may listen if you show him the video and tell him you think you maybe a D.A., Then ask him what did he think about it. If he would agree you are a D.A. and ask him if he seen any patterns in you. Does he think attachment styles are real. Just make it into a regular conversation and make it about you instead, then he will open up more.
how to get out of a situationship with a DA without leaving them? I am an anxiously attached partner. My DA is very afraid to be hurt again but acknowledges he needs to work through it in therapy. We have had a lot of very difficult conversations about it.
I’m sorry but leaving is the only optionn IF YOU CAN (like don’t have kids).
I'm trying to find a someone for my separated wife and I with your style who cover my insurance, What type of therapy style should I be searching?
Not necessarily early childhood. Could be later.. They if young and in abusive relationships then they learn it..
In the future would you please consider doing a video on DAs and repetitive cheating. Thank you for all you do 💗
DAs don't cheat. We are too lazy for that. It's either they don't feel that you are in a relationship or they are a narc
@@someonespecial581 that is a total generalisation and just not true hah, from personal experience
@@ck5923 You're not their partner boo. That relationship is in your head
@@someonespecial581 you literally have no idea who i’m talking about “boo” 😂
@@someonespecial581 and i would definitely consider a marriage a relationship 🤣
How in the world does anyone think someone is going to be in someone ongoing going nowhere. Thought I was crazy
I would love some more information on how to help a DA learn about their attachment style in a way that doesn't scare them off or freak them out. I don't want him to think I'm playing pop-psychologist on him. Any advice on how to broach the subject? There's so much good material out there. My DA just says we aren't on the same page right now. But I know it's much deeper than that. He's 59, never married and has been in an on/off situationship with me for several years. He always comes back and says if we'd met 25 years ago he would have married and had a family with me. It just makes me shake my head...
When a DA tells you that he has gotten used to you, what does it mean?
What to do if a person realizes that they are DA? Any solution to go beyond the past trauma? @personal development school
So I've been talking to a guy just a couple months long long distance. I can tell that he is DA and has deep abandonment history growing up....I haven't heard from him for a few days...is it weird for me to reach out and ask how he's doing when he ignored my last text?
We would do checkins and he'd say no complaints babe keep being yourself. Never told me boundaries or needs. We hit almost 6 months and now he is saying something is missing and he can't see us moving forward. Seriously? Ugh explains it all . He got close then pulled away. Good at saying this is what relationship should be but never opened up to me but wanted me to share all the time.
I thought I had some DA tendency, but what all the videos and websites describe seems too different from who I am (and too extreme), and looks like I am not a DA.. I think I am kinda DA towards friends but not boyfriends. Does it make sense? Or I'm close to the secure attachment style with only a small tendency of DA?
Hi can they love as we love them. Can they give affection.? I am with my guy for two years. We are in our sixties. And he is a good guy but not very affectionate. Ty
THE COUPON CODE IS NOT WORKING :(
I would so love to hear from DAs what your experience with this is, in that do you think these situationships hurt you? I think I may be in a situationship with a DA in that I am the go-to whenever his latest fantasy fling doesn't turn out the magic he imagined, so I'm the in between girl/safe harbor. I am not looking for a relationship and know he does not concider me relationship material, I prefer being single. I'm a FA leaning DA, and I just wondered if it in any way harms the DA if I let this continue? I care for him very very deeply.
It will harm you both. It enables the DA's behavior to continue and you are settling for something that won't make you happy, fulfilled or feel truly loved. You deserve the real deal.
@@terrygranger71 Thank you for your reply! I have since gotten over him, but it was one rocky devastating process to find my way back to myself. I felt my heart would never be whole again. I now thrive being single but when the day comes I want someone emotionally available. Have a great 2024!
Just started the vid, your makeup looks so good!
Lol
I really want to hear what you are saying but the "fry" voice and the going off track makes it pretty impossible to absorb the content. Any possibility of putting the transcript in the comments??
Modeling and mirroring are the same right?
Can these apply to a fearful avoidant as well?
Yes, some of them anyway.
Can Rambo and Terminator help DAs?
So I’m an AP who dated an FA (and because we both had work to do, he ended up leaning DA) so a lot of this resonates! Is that common with an AP-FA pairing? Or would this relate more towards just DAs?
I am FA, too hard for me to be with AP. It is not personal but I cannot deal with needy behaviour. But that just me. More needy people are, more avoidant I become.
FA’s with AP’s can DEFINITELY lean DA
@@sanjacvrljakwww2172 SAME! I feel so triggered and claustrophobic around them.
For those here who were DAs and have now moved to Secure (or at least more secure), where or how did you learn emotional modelling to move to secure?
Thanks in advance :)
Lady psychologist you tube The Crappy Childhood Fairy. She does all this and more. Explains everything.
❤️🥂
The "6 stages of a relationship for a DA course" is not a roadmap for a partner. Gives zero actual approaches or tools and can be summarized in a 6 bullet 1 sentence each list.
Question.... Do DAs ever try to recreate a situationship with the same partner? My ex DA has been in an out of my life for almost 3 yrs. We reconnect we get further along in our relationship...but he leaves again and returns.....over and over. It's crazy😔
Why are you letting a guy waste 3 years of your life?? Are you even « allowed » to date other people? I’ve been in situation ships with 2 DA men who didn’t wanna make it official but felt hurt whenever I wanted to go on dates with others like no fuck you
@Savleen Sur my ex DA and I were in a monogamous committed relationship this past summer. We had " bf/gf" titles and he introduced me as his gf when we were together at his friend's parties/picnics during that time. He came to my families Easter with me so during that 6.5 months we had a real relationship. Neither of us were allowed to see other people as we weren't in a situationship. I told him before this last time that I deserved a normal committed relationship and if he wasn't into it that was fine,.... BUT that's not who I was or what I was looking for. My question/comment about recreating a situationship with the same person is because his DA behavior is difficult for me to understand. Maybe I should have worded it more like , Do they try to recreate a situationship with a past partner?? I also have not waited for 3 yrs for him. I've dated other people but wasn't really into them. So I've stayed single hoping to find someone who values me like I would value them. 🙏
@@Zen4life- just because someone says they are in a relationship with you doesn’t mean they are. We shouldn’t settle for less than what we deserve. I had a guy do the same to me but found out he was cheating + the word boyfriend/girlfriend meant nothing to him + the other would introduce me as his girlfriend to his friends but only best friends to his parents because he was Muslim and I wasn’t.
@Savleen Sur True. Although I was spending 2-3 nights a week with my ex at his house and mine. He would leave the door unlocked for me when he was asleep and we were together every weekend. He would talk on the phone via speaker and I trusted him. So if he was playing me or being unfaithful well that's on him. I'm only responsible for how I treated him. If he was cheating or not being sincere then he has to live with that. Plus if he ever did do that and I was unaware, I feel bad for the other woman. She got the short end of the deal!! Trust is something that you give someone there is never any guarantee in life unfortunately.
@@Zen4life- proud of you girl ❤️
6 reasons ?- I just told her to f*ck off and get out of my life forever😂🎉 such a great decision I have made thanks to my lifelong relationship experience 😂🎉
Situationahips work for DA. Not sure why that cannot just be acceptable instead of pushing everyone into a more acceptable norms which are just not working in today’s society regardless of attachment style.
They are socially acceptable though which is why dating apps are flourishing. Situationships are just not satisfying most people's need for genuine connection. And I believe that includes DAs who fantasise about the one perfect partner.
I think it works for any two people who find it is enough for them. I pretended it was enough for me for a long time with my DA. Then I got honest with myself and I knew I wanted a deeper emotional connection. I do think if both people are happy with that level of relationship then it works. But if it's not mutual then someone isn't getting their needs met.
@thais I think your video becomes avoidant around the 12 min mark lol
I have an insecure attachment style and I am in love with a dismissive avoidant. Well just friends according to him since her like 5 years now I guess. Pretty sure we're in the power struggle phase, but he's still insists that he just wants to be friends so he doesn't like me in that way. And anyway other than friends he doesn't want to have sex. We haven't even had sex. Haven't even kissed. Just hugged and but in every other way he shows interest. He does acts of service. He gives me gifts. He spends extended time periods with me. We've been gone for weekends. We've been gone for 4 days. He sits in the car with me. He prefers that we drive together to different activities. He spends a whole heck of a lot of time with me a lot more than once a week. I know he likes me more than just a friend but when I say to him let's be more. And when I say to him I think you do like me. You just don't want. You're just afraid he gets all mad and he says I'm crazy and he says I need to control myself and he starts gaslighting me and at this point we're at a breakup but we've had these breakups before because he said to me you need to take a break because he wants me to be back to my all normal self where I can be objection objection objective. Yeah where I can be objective and I can listen to him. But I still need my knees met and in some ways he does meet my needs and other ways he doesn't and especially I want to be closer. I want to be intimate. I want physical sex and he's scared and scared and scared and I don't know. I'm thinking that if we could get passes it would be an amazing relationship. I can see the potential but I have insecurities. I have my unhealthy way of dealing things. He has his insecurities. He has his unhealthy way of dealing things and when we trigger each other which we do a lot, I go back to my unhealthy ways which trigger his ways more and it just gets to be a big mess. I'm so sad because I could see such an amazing life we can have if we can get past these obstacles. But I think I'm doing more work on myself than he's doing on himself and he thinks I'm toxic and he thinks I'm all bad. And when I tell him things that he needs him prevone, he doesn't like that which that's a disembisive avoidance. They don't like that. They think it's criticism. He doesn't like that. I asked too many questions but I just want to know more abouthim
I think its kind of messed up that she supports relationships with avoidants. Let them fix themselves and be accountable for knowing that if they dont change they will hurt someone. Stop dating. You guys are here trying to figure out how to justify being with a terrible, abusive partner.
Secure people can also hurt others, and so can AP’s. She supports individuals working on themselves and their relationships. Period. You can’t do all of the work of “working on yourself” outside of a relationship.
@@auralionasol2205 that may be true for some 🤷🏻♀️. Don’t date that one then.
Interesting info.. Just when you start selling before /prior is abit of an off put #constructivecritism. D. A
Situationship ? WTF ?
So it's hi there let's both agree to be shallow and just have casual sex and no responsibility or concern about any emotional needs.
Really mature minds !
This world is headed for hell.
I'd strongly prefer 4-5 people each giving me 20-25 percent over one person giving 100 percent.
@10:34 Interdependency is a really poor choice of words to use when we can just say healthy dependence. The same can be said about Codependency (a term borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous) when we can just say unhealthy dependency instead.
While I can identify somewhat with this term as I try to learn about myself and evolve, I can say with certainty that the 1.25 year relationship that I recently abandoned with prejudice was not worth my trouble, time, risk, vulnerability, etc.
I was honorable and courteous to the very end, but increasingly found myself repulsed by my partner’s physical appearance, outward countenance, her constant neediness, and general desire to control the relationship. No thanks. It was an easy decision to detach. I’m so happy that I didn’t commit myself more fully to a deeply deteriorating situation. I shudder about the implications even now. Yikes!
Given the right partner, I can envision offering my full commitment (having previously enjoyed two long term relationships), but finding myself in the wrong relationship absolutely results in my dismissive avoidance and ultimately my determined abandonment, without the least regret or concern other than for my failure to act with greater haste to escape. I’m honestly more concerned right now that my poor immediate past relationship will impact my ability to exercise vulnerability within my next relationship. Obviously, a break to get my shit together is warranted. For now, I’m quite content to remain single anyway.
There’s no such thing as “the right partner”, the concept of ‘the one’ is a deactivating strategy used by Dismissive Avoidants to keep people at an emotional distance. And of course it was an easy decision for you to detach, as it appears that you used another deactivating strategy at the end of the relationship, called ‘flaw finding’ and you seemed to have laid it on thick. It appears you have a lot of core wounds that need healing
Every time you do a video about DAs we get so much hate! You need more understanding followers
How about you guys go to therapy and learn to accept love and reciprocate…
Hard to make understand the victim complex Anxious people that there can be a lot of pain in a DA honestly u should take the silencie as im not interested, move on.