self-centredness is NOT "self-care": losing the human face online
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- čas přidán 29. 05. 2024
- gen z seems to have two opposing attitudes: 1) on a macro scale, we should make the world a better place; 2) on an individual scale, my needs come first before everyone else. why is that? how should we treat people in our individual interactions? let's explore a history of western philosophy and see how that influenced self-centred attitudes of today.
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TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 why is being nice a problem?
2:37 michelle's tiktoks
4:34 background on western philosophy
5:50 hegel's subject-object relation
8:41 emmanuel levinas: everything begins with ethics
15:30 isn't levinas overdramatic?
15:55 an important side-note!
17:29 clarifying phenomenology
19:34 individualism & virtue-signaling
21:06 gen z's macro vs. micro attitudes
24:38 gift economy vs. private property economy
28:04 online intensifies individualism
29:30 "i'm just brutally honest"
31:42 the nice woman
34:03 wanting validation is A-OK
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★・・・・・★・・・・・★
SOURCES:
Emmanuel Levinas. (1984). Ethics as First Philosophy.
Emmanuel Levinas. (1982). Ethics and Infinity.
Jean-Paul Sartre. (1938). Nausea.
Katouche Goll's video: www.tiktok.com/@its.katouche_...
Kimmerer, Robin Wall. (2013). Braiding Sweetgrass.
Michelle's videos: www.tiktok.com/@michelleskide...
www.tiktok.com/@michelleskide...
MUSIC:
Chopin - Nocturne Op. 37 No. 1 in G minor
Dmitri Shostakovich - Elegy from Ballet Suite No. 3
Modest Mussorgsky - Une Larme (A Tear)
tags: emmanuel levinas, jean paul sartre, existentialism, hegel, immanuel kant, self-care, self-help, that girl, it girl, gen z, women stop being nice, stop being people pleaser, detachment, detach yourself, digital age, chronically online, social media, thewizardliz, confidence, white lotus, feminism, feminist, patriarchy, oppression, feminist philosophy, gender norms, misogyny, girlboss, social commentary, neoliberal feminism, breaking bad, walter white, jesse pinkman, internet analysis, video essay, analysis video, philosophy, tiktok, shanspeare, jordan theresa, vox, vice, cj the x, tiffany ferg, alice cappelle, contrapoints, philosophy tube, madisyn brown, chad chad, sisyphus 55, tara mooknee, beauty standards, choice feminism
The wizard liz honestly seems like she wants to help people find confidence but if you take the things she says too literal then you become a narcissist and there is a fine line between being confident and being self centered.
True and the funny thing is some people WILL ofc take it literal because well... common sense isn't common lol
@@nacha9618she's literally telling yall to not be a Ppl pleaser and put yourself first she also said to be kind yall just take everything the wrong way lmao
I agree
@@_Madridista_girl why are you getting so mad for. You’re saying y’all but the person you responded to didn’t even say anything that warranted that response.
@@angellbbhyou definitely took that out of context yall are so dead set on hating women who want to be respected the same way men do
I think people online have genuinely lost the ability to think or feel in shades of grey, instead only in black and white
Fr
yup, and that's a cognitive distortion.
@@brittanyadays What does that mean? I've never heard of this before
@@RetroPlusThey’re basically exaggerated thought patterns that are bad for mental health. Black and white thinking is a major one. Jumping to conclusions and dwelling on negatives are more types. My therapist only recently told me about them so I’m not well versed in them but they are definitely worth looking into.
Yes
There is a quote I try to live by: "Never regret being a good person to the wrong people. Your behavior says everything about you, and their behavior says enough about them."
I agree. I rarely regret being nice to people. Holding the door open or smiling at people is kind of bare minimum manners but it still brings positivity
So true, because I used to be toxic and it was completely my fault. I had things to work on and I still do to this very day.
People can be in bad mood and wrongly taken as wrong, thay can become nice to you too when their problem is solved. But I think if a person is really wrong don't waste your time and energy for him - he will never value your effort. It's like a dog barking on you - you had better pass over that dog and give your love to another one. You can not be nice to every body 'cause every body is different
I'm never a good person to the wrong people, if someone bullys me or any of my friends, we call them out, I treat everyone how they treat me
I gave a hitchhiker $60.00 and a ride. I do not regret it, even if he wasn’t necessarily being completely honest with me.
I've always loved the analogy of oxygen masks on a plane.
The advice is to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.
They don't tell you to put oxygen masks on everyone else first.
Because you'll pass out quickly and nobody is helped there.
But they also don't tell you to only put on your own mask.
Because that's just cruel, watching everyone die around you.
The advice is to help yourself first, to make sure you are able to help others effectively.
Same is true in life imo
Exactly!
I love this analogy too! In fact, I'm going to bring in some math here (boo!!!). You're either good at putting your own mask on (hopefully most adults) and so preserving your life first is wholly beneficial to the rest because you can now help others in this process. Similarly, if you're bad at putting your mask on (babies) it is in your best interest that the adults finish up quick and help you with your mask. Babies clearly win here-they offer no upside to the adults (unless you count the evolutionary gene-preserving factors) but the adults are GOOD, so they choose to help. So yes, please be an adult or try to be a very grateful baby. You can also choose to be mean and hyperindividualistic and carry a parachute and jump off the plane when the smallest inconvenience occurs. The world is your oyster after all.
@@user-mk3ec4bu7y and you'd be dead, unable to help more people :/
Like it
What if I don’t put on my mask
being people-pleasing is something utterly different from being nice to people.
What if you did both?
yup and niceness isn’t kindness
you don’t have to be nice all the time, but (in my opinion) the goal in every interpersonal interaction should be to foster kindness.
@@James-rq3bu continue to be nice, but have enough boundaries to not let this consume your life. Don't seek validation, validate yourself first.
sorry for any mistake in my english
@@richardpapenapologist1703 what is your distinction between niceness and kindness?
Yes..Liz also has videos where she says " you are 100% in control of how you treat others, if you can't be kind to people, you stay away from people" and so on.. she is trying to convey the balance we all need. If someone is getting influenced to become self centred then they were already self centred in the first place and never chose kindness.
The "brutally honest" people only ever seem to be honest when they have something mean to say, and keep their mouths shut when there is an opportunity for sincere kindness
So friggin true!!
And they’re always around to make sure they kick you when you’re down. Not a kind word in sight
Anyone who tells me they are brutally honest is immediately cut out and blocked for me 🤣 absolutely no such thing. You can be honest and still be kind
@@user-gd1gw2fl3j yeah I feel like people who call themselves "brutally honest" are more concerned with hearing themselves talk than actually helping the person they're being an ass to. Always seems to be the most cynical and judgemental people who label themselves that way.
@@loyalsock8387 People forget that there’s a time and place for everything too. And they just excuse it with “sorry I’m honest”
People often forget that you can be kind to others while also having your own set of boundaries.
Edit: Also please be wary of 'weaponized' boundaries aswell. Arbitrary, asymmetrical or conveniently only relevant when getting your way depends on it. I've seen people use boundaries as excuses not to address real issues.
exactly!
Yeah and if someone gets offended by your boundaries that’s not you being “mean” or “rude” either. That’s their problem.
yeh and I think people that struggle to do both often have self regulation and identity issues. so they think that everyone else is like them and won't know how to draw the line.
lets be clear about what gender tends to be utterly “my way or the highway” & which one tends to have fair boundaries based roughly in nature & objective realm of possibility
These are also my thoughts. I think its about the balance between self-love and love for others
I’ve noticed people nowadays are quick to “match energy” when it’s something negative just so they have an excuse to be mean, but they never “match energy” when it comes to supporting one another
that part
literally
You said my thoughts
What Liz is saying helps when you’re trying to build your self-esteem up from scratch, but once you actually start respecting yourself, she becomes irrelevant. When you’re confident, you realise that kindness towards others is in fact about inner harmony and satisfaction with your life. Seeing others as a threat is a sign of unresolved traumas
omg this !! i stopped watching liz once i realized how repetitive her talking points were (in all her videos). she seems genuine but i don’t find her videos to be all that helpful anymore.
And that's okay, its kinda what her videos are there for, you watch them, get confident, get your life together, and then you don't watch her anymore! That's what she wants you to do, it's what you SHOULD do. Of course it's fine to watch her even after your perfectly happy but you don't need to.
She makes some good points ngl but there are also things that she says that, to me, sounds like it comes from someone who has been through trauma in relationships (whether it's platonic or romantic), and it's just really not applicable for everyone. It could be a good advice to people who have been through the same things as her, but not really for everyone.
I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that. It makes more sense for a recovering people-pleaser to focus on cutting certain people off their lives or prioritizing their needs and wants until they recover and then start to be genuinely kind to others and pour out of a full cup. Her target audience are people-pleasers. There's also nothing wrong with disagreeing with some of her content.
@@EL-ksvkvLiz always mentions that she always talks from a place of experience. She says how she is talking to her audience and tries to help because she knows how certain experiences can fuck you up. I guess that’s why she us so genuine. And it makes sense how someone would stop watching her once they actually feel confident. That’s her goal. She said she has insecurities too so she isn’t trying to make everyone confident beasts. I noticed how she always mentions how mind control is extremely important. What she does with her videos is helping us to actually be mindful.
I love this. There’s a middle ground between “doormat” and “fuck you”, and it’s a very healthy place
Lmao agreeedddd
And being very honest, it really isn’t that hard
Yeah, but you know .. most people don’t understand moderation.
“I was a people-pleaser for too long, so one day I decided to just not give a fuck”. They switched from one kind of unconscious to another.
Why would I want a middle-ground tho? Full-throttle down the "fuck you" path seems to be going great for me lol, if someone else is too weak to sustain this path and keep winning that's on them. If you can stand on your own two feet, then do so; the rewards are great.
@@KevinJohnson-cv2no the rewards are not great at all, you are lonely and bitter when you hate everyone
One of the things that helped me stop being a people pleaser is when I realized that most “people-pleasing” behaviors are actually unkind. ie Saying yes to something you don’t want to do upfront and then either doing it halfheartedly and resenting it or canceling last minute - instead of just saying “no” upfront, or being passive aggressive instead of simply communicating boundaries.. That’s when I realized that self care and kindness go hand in hand. It’s about being considerate of BOTH yourself and others - not either/or!
That's really smart.
Exxxxxactly how I got over it
I think that's a really good way of putting it. It's unkind to yourself too.
I think that's a really good way of putting it. It's unkind to yourself too.
You have to be happy yourself to effectively make others happy.
The thing with wizardliz is that if it reaches the right audience , they are good videos that help people find confidence . It's for people who are extremely insecure and let other people take advantage of them .but this video is very relevant too since we can infact see people be narcissistic if all the advices are taken too literal .for insecure people , after they find confidence within themselves .we should focus on helping others find theirs and trust me , helping others does not have to do with breaking yourself .it's all about finding the right balance btwn both
Yes you’re right not all her advice is to be taken literally, but she has to add all of the extremes to reach those who are extremely insecure and always taken advantage of
The problem is that insecure people will have the hardest time taking this advice while people who are already narcissists will assume this advice is for them
As a people pleaser her advices are so helpfull. People pleaser dont know how to say no and stop, and do things for ourself. So being self centured is what we need to carry on and not be depress. When I will be capable showing for myself and be happy of course i will share. Liz was one of these poeple she knows what she is talking about.
I agree. I surrounded myself more with wizardliz videos and it helped me to unconsciously start to get the confidence to look people in the eyes and such stuff. It can help if you set some kind of boundary ig?
nah
The phrase "I don't owe anyone anything" is something I find to be disturbing.
I owe EVERYONE basic common courtesy, until they prove themselves to be unworthy.
By their own logic nobody owes them anything either. If you hear someone say this, remind them of that and see how they react.
how is a person unworthy?
@@iii9591 i think they mean, unworthy of getting their respect and kindness, like a person harming you doesnt deserve your courtesy bla bla
@@iii9591 if sombody kicks my mom because they think is funny
@@iii9591By behaving like you owe nothing to anybody.
There is a fine line between respecting ourselfs and being narcissistic
But currently this "fine line" became blurry almost invisible which is exactly what she's pointing out
@@oumaaboubaker2600 I think they agree, they were just accentuating that point :')
the line is in fact pretty clear
....hardly.
I think the word you’re looking for is ego centric, narcissistic involves personality disorder, but can still apply here. and ikwym. i know too many people in my life who have claimed to heal and turn to self respect, while in reality, they’re just filling that void with narcissism. that’s why on my self love and recovery journey i’m making sure that while i’m reminding myself of my own worth and prioritizing myself (because i am a people pleaser, and have very low self esteem,) i am also making sure not to lose empathy and selflessness all together. stopping being selfish, and stopping being so selfless it harms you, aren’t good if you’re replacing one with the other. i’m doing my best to find balance and i’m glad it’s being discussed more so others can too
i’d describe liz as a catalyst, she’s that push we need at a certain point, before and after that, it no longer works.
She gives me the major ick
nah she is not a push she is person who push you to hard that you will fall and she will be like it's ur fault
@@user-ob8pm9yh2sAmen thank you, and end up telling you it's God's plan to just suffer honey, if you can't save yourself, while entitled in her current privilege and luxurious circumstances
This woman is so emotionally intelligent it makes me feel emotionally stupid and maybe that feeling is accurate
@@miau9362how did u get here
You’re basically invalidating what she said in the video by saying that
@@roycebandora9652how exactly did you come to that conclusion
nah you can get better at it
Emotionally stupid people wouldn't even be able to watch or comprehend this video. You're a better person just for watching this and trying to learn.
ive lost so many relationships to this “self help” mindset. people really don’t understand that it quickly manifests itself into narcissism
I think that the thing to remember is that humans are under a social contract: to do as little harm to the next person as possible. However, as a people pleaser, there comes a time when you have to choose yourself. This doesn't mean that you can hurt people left right and centre,you know
SAME GIRL OMG like the relationship one is so true on trying to possess each other as objects ❤️
narcissism is a psychological condition, not something that “quickly” manifests
@@beckysuperswag fair point, the narcissists I see love to gobble up and coat their abuse with the "self help" / therapy-speak, but it's all about control. they only exist to make others suffer so I have no sympathy for them, mental illness or not. may they never know a moment of peace
YUP.
I genuinely do not understand why people think that being nice is a weakness. Like, did y'all skip preschool or something?
Edit: I get that what most of the people in the video meant that being TOO nice is a weakness, and that I can agree with. I definitely know what it's like to be taken advantage of because of kindness. But I hate it when people think they're being "strong" by turning down smiles and waves or refusing to let someone help with their chores. It's sad and frankly kind of embarrassing.
When you try to be nice all the time you become prey to narcessists to take advantage of you (even this got mentioned at the start of the video). When you are conditioned to always put others before yourself it can be quite dangerous in fact. That one person you decided to give an extra chance on a date might take advantage of you, because well you wanted to be nice. My best example is plane instructions on how to take on a mask during an emergency. You are instructed put it on yourself first, before you put it on others. You cant help others if you cant help yourself first. When you care and love yourself it becomes easier to love others.
In actuality, when you try to be nice all the time, you are actually not a nice person. You are a people pleaser that wants to be nice for some other reason, most likely a selfish reason like to get the feeling of being liked, or you want to avoid drama. Which is to be frank selfish, because you dont truly know what the other person truly want you are just guessing and is centering your opinion from the ego, trying to avoid conflict yourself.
you have to be selfish to a certain degree, you can pretend its not true but you'd be suprised how fast people lose morals or become selfish for money or survival
@@Elfyja
Being a chronic people-pleaser with serious self esteem issues led me to the receiving end of a lot of blame and mistreatment thanks to a friend who turned out to be a covert narcissist. It destroyed my life, not by itself but due to other problems caused by the failure of multiple doctors and therapists to recognize the role of ADHD in my life.
People pleasing opened me up to those, but I would rather learn things the hard way through people-pleasing than risk exhibiting the self-centeredness, narcissism, selfishness, apathy, and ESPECIALLY the totally accidental lack of consideration that caused all those problems in the first place. It even leads the medical field to be completely useless when it comes to treating ADHD, as if nobody with ADHD seems to be involved with creating the diagnostic criteria.
The friend that destroyed my life may have a little more success than me right now, but he’s also lost a lot because of his narcissism and if he doesn’t learn to generate empathy on his own without needing to feel like he’s benefitting from it, one day his life is going to collapse under that weight and I, his ex and many of the mutual friends he and I once shared will not be willing to reach out to help him. On the other hand, those people were there for me, and I’ll be there for them.
If you fixate on taking care of #1 and make everyone else secondary, you end up alone.
Putting others ahead of yourself all the time can be just as destructive but it’s not nearly as big a problem today as people just being hostile to kindness as if it’s a form of weakness. Leave that to the “might makes right” crowd that think the deranged orange guy has his head on straight.
These days, smiling and kindness are viewed as weakness. It's sad.
when people say being nice is a weakness, they mean being /too/ nice, to the point where you can be more aptly described as "selfless."
when you're *so nice* that you cater to *everyone,* you give up yourself, leading to it being a weakness.
I used to be so gentle and small and apologize for existing the "wrong way" and at some point I became incredibly angry and vengeful and like I needed to hurt everyone who had hurt me and be on defense to anyone who might hurt me and it was the most exhausting mindset I've ever had. I truly thought the world was against me so I needed to be against it, but then I grew up and found a middle ground of self respect and dignity for myself and gentleness and consideration for everything else. And I feel so much happier and lighter and like the sun is brighter and its easier to live.
I'm in the middle of finding this middle ground. Sometimes I feel like it will never happen, sometimes I go back to hate and to apologizing for existing. Thanks for inspiration and motivation.
@@leahmarten I'm proud of you, progress isn't linear
@@semiautumatic thank you. For real, thank you so much.
How inspiring
I went through this too. It gets better ya’ll!!! Find your balance
“you don’t need to be ‘brutally honest’ when it’s just an excuse to not have to consider other people’s feelings.” THANK YOU. people need to stop masking their abusive behaviors with “brutal honesty”. i encountered a couple people like this in the past and they did a number on my mental health.
It's like a lot of people have lost the sense of nuance its insane. The pendulum keeps swinging between "be nice to everybody no matter what" to "Fuck over everybody you can if it gives you even a 0.5% advantage" how about just being a kind person with BOUNDARIES? You don't have be a total pushover but you don't have to be a dickhead for no reason either, nobody sees somebody treating a homeless person like shit and thinks "woah they're so cool!".
The trouble with nuance is that it requires you to think every time you exercise it.
Nuance is complicated. Binary is easy. The fact that you called people with no sense of nuance 'insane' is case in point for binary thinking.
There are times when people hide their hurt from being taken advantage of or disappointed by other people by being ultra self oriented.
EXACTLY, u said it perfectly. But nowadays it seems like people don't think for themselves anymore
@@emilyrlnur making it deeper than it actually is. Be kind, but don't allow urself to be disrespected. It's as simple as that imo ofcourse
Isagi Yoichi balances this well. He's kind, caring, and gentle most of the time but when he needs to put himself first he puts himself first. Even that kindness has its limits. We see this in the contrast between his off the field and on the field behavior throughout blue lock.
Being confident doesn't mean being narcissistic. Just be a kind person in this toxic world. That is not sadness. That is the real happiness.
And you'll see your confidence getting crushed down
@@sansabhushrestha7623 if you have a weak mind , yes. But if you truly are strong , you can be confident while being kind also.
@@Lifegoeson166 She already said that in the video just with different words.
@@user-dq1yw6gi7f I replied to someone. Maybe u didn't see that.
@@sansabhushrestha7623.
The wizard Liz is one of my fav CZcamsrs. The thing is only people who actually watch her and not just clips will understand her intent. She helps people put themselves first and not be tolerant to disrespect but she is am VERY sincere and nice human being imo. She is actually quite laid back alone.
exactly she literally added random clips and tried to villainize her, without even getting the context of her entire video or any of her videos or messages.
foreal i feel like people often take her videos out of context cuz they just watch short clips of her on tt
@@18smnweirdoi don’t think her intent was to demonize her but i defibetly agree that she took her videos out of context and added random clips that portray her in a specific way
YES
@@18smnweirdo she didn’t “try” to villainise her her lol, but she def put them a bit out of context. her points are still right tho
Selfish people are hurt and unhappy people. Kind people are happy people. Period. I've been through both and i can tell you, kindness FEELS INCREDIBLE. Be kind for YOUR OWN HAPPINESS, not to please someone else. Also, set healthy boundaries. That way, you wont be taken advantage of. But there is absolutely no reason to be mean and self-centered, unless self destruction is the goal. 😃
I agree
i am not unhappy. i am way happier when i get to do what i want instead of trying to be nice and restrain myself
@@wintersoldier9273 well you didn't get what I was trying to say, but good for you😊
@@wintersoldier9273 it's a slow process tbh. First is the selfishness phase where no one else matters. Next is the self confidence phase if done right. If done wrong, there's an ego and self loathing phase. Lastly, if done right, you enter the kindness phase which is fuelled by your own sense of self-worth and self-love. You can't help but share happiness with others because you yourself are so happy from within. 😊
@@wintersoldier9273 How does being kind stop you from getting what you want?
I"ve been kind to people my entire life and have always gotten what I wanted.
it’s funny because I remember that when I was younger, I watched an episode of MLP that dealt with fluttershy (one of the nicest characters) being taken advantage of. She attends a seminar from this guy who tells her to be assertive, and she ends up being extremely rude to people and drives away her friends. At the end of the episode, she realized that being kind does not mean you are weak, and she is able to be firm while still being polite. insane how much childhood shows can teach you about how to act in life
People underestimate the value of cartoons, what they can teach you and how it shapes your life and views. Thats why making sure entertainment is good and truly educational should be a priority! I was a MLP girl and related to fluttershy! I really liked your comment and thank you for reminding us of this episode. I’m glad you exist and thank you for being here!
@@okikiolaemeonye9219yes they literally developed my personality and teached me about life so much, they really have so much impact
Its not "insane" more than its "the point of those shows"
@@okikiolaemeonye9219 I was gonna type this almost exactly! Hello twin flames 😂😭
I'm 20 & still binge watch MLP bc of this reason😭
My opinion is that you should definitely be nice BUT dont forget to set your boundaries as well. Have a limit. Be nice to everyone including yourself. Dont let others use you but always have pure intensions.
This 🙌
That’s so obvious it’s not even a point.
Exactly
@@kylerichardson8405common sense isn’t always so common
@@kylerichardson8405well nowadays it is a point actually
i was once told that nobody owes me anything and it eventually turned me into an overly individualistic person. watching this video reassured me that it is worth to strive for kindness and being responsible for other's wellbeing again
That's why I hate that advice
What’s scary is that if the world became full of self-centered people, becoming self-centered would end up becoming a literal survival mechanism. People couldn’t be kind if the world was populated by egocentrists, and they’d essentially have to become selfish to have any level of control over their own lives.
honestly the world is becoming more and more like this. at least in the us. everybody is out to get theirs. i wonder what will change first. i hear stories about the 90s and it didn't seem to be like that.
Most of the egocentric people don't care hurting someones feelings on purpose because they care about their own only but from my limited experience they can't process them so go around and look for people who care about the feelings of others to "share" them and get feedback by draining the positive energy of the people who care,but when those people feel down and want to share or just vent the egocentric ones start give "practical solutions" to solve "THE PROBLEM"
i feel frustrated trying to find balance when the world clearly make it harder or even impossible for us to achieve that. does balance even exist in the first place? it feels like everyday i have to resist while the world is becoming crueler
it's false to assume it's "Becoming this way" when in parts of Europe and Asia people were always kind, but they have an opposite approach how they got there unlike Americans, truth is, we never "become" evil or selfish, we always were... the trick is to counter that selfishness and fuel that selfishness with Kind acts, as all kindness and altruism have a hint of selfishness in them. Americans don't get this, because they believe they are born good.
@@princeofdarkness4711The problems with societies like Japan and Korea that I'm sure you're referencing aren't due to "becoming too kind", they're due to ultra-high expectations regarding success, and intensely competitive and hierarchical societies. Sure, people in those societies are encouraged to be doormats, but that's not kindness and neither is people-pleasing, because deep down people-pleasing is typically a way to avoid a personally uncomfortable situation, instead of doing the right thing and setting boundaries for the health and welfare of all parties involved. That's an aspect of true kindness, besides more basic aspects like sharing.
Respect is not earned. Respect to all is default.
Disrespect is earned. Admiration is earned.
Wow very well said.
Waoh
This🙌🏻
There’s innate respect and that one is a given. You respect people’s rights and their boundaries. But there’s also a kind of respect you earn through your character / actions. I think most of us can think of a few people that we don’t really respect.
Wrong. You are confusing common courtesy and decency to all with respect. Respect is to consider worthy of high regard or esteem, which can only be earned through evaluation. Sometimes it is the default position, for instance, respect for one's elders, made through a long life and hopefully wisdom. Respect for one's peers who have mastered something. But then again, some elders are fools and peers who have learned a mastery and can also be unworthy of respect through their actions. In the military we respect the rank of the people in command, but we need not respect the person holding it if they are incompetent. You also said disrespect and admiration are earned; this is understood already, but it is not some deep revelation. People need to stop being dazzled by bullshit.
It makes me sad that kindness is seen as fake. We need more kindness in our society.
What if you consider my kindness to be unkind?
A street preacher believes he is being loving while others think he's being hateful.... Kindness is nuanced. It is contextual, both on the situation at hand, and the values of those involved. Values determine what you believe to be kind or unkind. Values are not a monolith.
what if my kindness is seen as weakness
@@jeffinjoseph8916if someone attacks you, you can stand up for yourself it’s ok it doesn’t make you any less of a nice person. weakness isn’t niceness
Indeed. It's a rebellious act, to be kind in today's society. I remind myself of this daily, and find solace in it. Share this point of view with other rebels and punks. Ppl unite!
Some people with the lowest confidence or those repeatedly being walked on/don't speak up need someone like wizardliz. They need that type of direct/selfish motivation to start them on the journey. That is her audience, but when they garner their own self respect and boundaries, they should leave her message behind for one with more nuance. The issue is she doesn't broadcast to only the audience than needs her, she broadcasts to everyone. Her message isn't what the masses needs and when the masses take her message, they have the risk of more turning narcissistic than self-respecting and honoring ones capacity first. The "you must do something for me first before I do something for you" instead of the "I will set a boundary to [example] be kind outwardly and give the other person a chance to show their reciprocated kindness, but if not I will place them as an acquaintance than as a friend".
That thing she said about “what I want is what matters” really hits the root point of the difference between being selfish and self care.
It’s about wants vs needs. Self care is putting your NEEDS above others needs and wants. Being selfish is putting your WANTS above someone else’s needs.
Self care is good. Selfishness makes you an asshole.
I always say: Being honest isn't a excuse to be mean. You can say a hard truth to someone without belittling or hurting them more than necessary.
and what if i dont know how to do that?
@@iii9591think before you speak
@@n.m.3995 assuming you're a nt, then are you accepting that you have to think before being nice/normal and it doesnt come natural to you and nts in general?
@@iii9591Yes, being vulnerable outside is rarely doing any good for me. Most often being honest about themselves gets oneself judged unnecessarily. It would be lovely if judgements just stay as judgements. But no, judgements affect the way we are treated by others and also our future circumstances. So, there's a need to be a persona when with others. I can only be honest with others so rarely, that is when I feel secure. Yeah, security is such a rare feeling, even with the one I call my best friend.
Art is better than humans, for expression. I've stopped depending on being understood and connect with others socially. Rather art and media help me. Like even talking to some AI is more satisfying and more creative.
@@iii9591Yes, there is a constant need to analyse and be careful of the consequences my actions carry, small or big. Maybe I'm paranoid but this is the way reality works for me.
Being honest is good, but there is a difference between being honest and being cruel. That difference is kindness. And it feels good to be kind.
💯
bars
I have a question and I’ll leave it here. She talked about how following the second order is autonomy hence it’s not unauthentic to be nice even tho your first order was to be “brutally honest”.
But isn’t the first thought still more authentic than the second one? I mean the first thing that comes to your mind is not necessarily what comes to the mind of everyone else, so it does differentiate you and make that opinion sound more authentic.
Yes, you can be honest without delivering it with a sledgehammer.
I hold off on being honest sometimes. When someone is so emotionally broken, their emotions need to calm down before I can deliver the hard truth. A broken person needs comfort first and when they are somewhat more sound of mind I will tell them the truth to avoid having them feel worse and they make irrational decisions.
It's sad and weird how "being the main character" or the "sigma" or simply the whole "I come first" mindset is more prominent than any sort of community, despite the fact we are designed and have evolved to depend on eachother.
Individualism is somehow a progress but society which promote this sole value makes people just miserable. Some are just pretending they achieve the ultimate happiness on relying on themselves when not such a thing is actually possible
I agree with you, although, how do we not seem like we’re “being the main character”? Is it having good relationships with other people? Is it being kind? I mean, what even makes something or defines something as “being the main character”?
Bruh no one is going to be there for you when you are dying. Being kind to people doesn't get you anywhere. U must take care of yourself because no one is going to do it for you
One of my main personal philosophies is that niceness and kindness are two different things, and it's always better to be Kind than to be Nice
what i understood is that a person can be kind and nice but not too kind and too nice basically balancing both
I heard someone online say that when their friends begin to talk about their problems, they have to tell their friends to stop. They said “I am not your therapist. Get a therapist for that.” This really blew my mind…. I am so close to my closest friends BECAUSE we share our feelings…. Thought that was really strange.
That's honestly weird on surface level. Unless that friend had a problem with CONSTANTLY telling them their feelings and in turn emotionally weighing down the listener (this has happened to me before) then its strange
Down change what Liz said caus eirmemeber she said when that friend is continously talking badly about themselves I am not beautiful I am not like that abd they don't try to progress or something they put their negative energy on you and I experienced that you have right to tell them stop it when they don't want to after lot of advices
Some people overdo it and talk at you constantly, not to you. You might want to try having fun with friends, not dumping all your "trauma" onto them.
(first of all sorry for mt broken english)
I think it's very important to talk about your feelings and also your problems with your friends but sometimes it just goes too far. I had mental health issues myself, I've lived with people who had anorexia, I've had suicidal friends, I've dated people with serious psychological problems so I think I'm in a pretty good position to speak from experience. Many of these people opened up to me about the difficulties they were facing and it did a lot of good for them as well as for me. To them because they could feel free to be themselves and frank with me (and because it always feels good to talk to someone), and to me because I knew they trusted me and would talk to me if one day they really needed help.
HOWEVER. Im not terapist. I didnt take studies about how to act with a suicidal person, a person with ed or anything else, i can make mistakes, i an say the wrong things ad everything. In addition, I am a person with feelings too, a person who can feel bad. Having to deal with someone with psychological problems is very complicated, because we wonder all the time what we should do, do we do enough, we feel extremely bad for the person in front of us, because as humans it is painful to see people suffering.
So I think that when you hang out with people with psychological problems it is also essential to protect yourself even by not hesitating to tell your loved ones that you do not feel comfortable talking so much about such a subject and that he should talk to a psychologist. This obviously does not mean that you should never talk to your friends, I even think it is essential and restorative to do so, but it must be done to a certain degree only.
People forget that "sharing your problems" and "constantly dumping them into one person" are two different things alot
What I find triggering is how we’re letting random strangers on the internet we know nothing about dictate how we should live.
I used to follow The Wizard Liz and I have to admit she has a point most of the times, yet there’s something about her that comes off as toxic. She gives off “if you don’t live your life in this exact way you’re embarrassing and you deserve to be in pain” energy idk.
Yeah you are right
She's literally Andrew Tate tbh but people are too blind to see it because they "relate" to each of them and worship them in a sentimental kind of way. Wizard Liz was actually fine in her early moments but her fame is getting into her head
Some of her points are filled with just emotion with vey little backing, she at times can be hypocritical imo. She really does come off as a female ver of Andrew Tate, just a more tolerable one. Some of her advice is helpful, but she is going down a bumpy road.
@@ZeonixMY took the wrods outta my mouth.
I'm glad you said this because I also feel the same way. She makes good points (which are mainly common sense but I like nevertheless because it's a good reminder) but it's the way she delivers her message. For some one who makes self help videos she comes across as very negative and toxic, I'm not sure if she'd be a nice person to know in real life. Her whole vibe is off. Most of the time when I watch self help videos I feel calm, relaxed and motivated but with her it's the opposite.
I think more than “niceness” and kindness, we need more authenticity in the world.
So, is authenticity opposite of kindness/niceness?
I remember when some girls and i were talking about fictional characters and one said " i hate characters that are too nice, i feel like they're hypocrites, it doesn't feel real i don't trust people like that, i prefer toxic ones, at least they're honest" and i was like, "wtf so you wouldn't like drinking water because oh no~ what if its poisoned, I'd rather straight up drink pure poison right now " stupid logic tbh
A teacher who is a psychologist once told us that truth told without empathy is violence. And I think that breaks down the whole "brutally honest" discourse.
There’s not a single point where words are ever violent outside of direct threats. Your teacher is an idiot just like you.
If you can’t handle the cold reality of life, you are a pathetic human. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 it’s not other peoples job to worry about your wittle feelings.
I mean i'm brutaly honest and i'm actually a very kind person but im horrible at sugarcoating things and have trouble trying to explain or rephrase my words unless im writting or typing so people say im an "annoying bitch" when im just trying to be genuine with them but still want my advice 5 days later.
sounds like a typical college professor
That’s a stretch…😭💀
as a people pleasure myself, Liz really helps me to stop sacrificing my own happiness all the time for others. She didnt influence me to stop being nice, rather stopped to me from being a ppl pleaser
real, i am still nice but i don't take sh1t from anyone else anymore. i used to let myself be a punching bag but i've realized that i was sacrificing my own peace of mind to make others feel better
Yes, love Liz but her videos are for people who have 0 self esteem but for others it might make them self-centered. Yes don't take shit from people but don't ignore their shit absolutely
I changed a lot with her, but for worse, all her followers are extremely conceited and rude, not forgetting that they also hate men.
She influenced many people to be selfish and "delulu"
@@missmaria5002 she didn't if that's what you saw it as then that's a skill issue babes
for me who’s been through an extremely toxic relationship with a very fragile sense of self worth and confidence, liz really helped me a lot and she made me realize how much im really worth and how i deserved to be treated. but i think its true that this kind of mindset can be dangerous for the wrong types of people, or for people who can’t interpret it very well. thank you so much for making this video :)
knowing that there are people like Olivia makes me happy.
As a person who was raised on a philosophy of “treat others how you want to be treated” and spent a lifetime of helping others at my own expense without that ever being reciprocated, I’ve added to that philosophy to “treat myself the way I want others to be treated too,” and maybe that’s selfish but I personally think it’s a good compromise.
yes because its hard to treat others good if you dont also treat yourself good, same as you have to love yourself first if you want to give or be loved by other people
To me the saying "treat others how you want to be treated" has nothing to do with reciprocity. It's more related to the bouddhist mantra "be the change you want to see in the World".
Because if you expect reciprocity from others by giving them something : then it means you'll automatically meets disappointment. It's not free, your EXPECTING something in return : but who are you to expect anything from anyone?
How about you just adopt the more practical, sensible, mature philosophy of "treat others the way you want to be treated [at first], then treat them as they treat you.' You shouldn't reward bad behavior by continuously being good to people. That's how you get exploited.
why is self care considered selfish though? in this context, treating yourself the way YOU want to be treated is not wrong at all and i think it's a good thing. why should one treat themselves like shit? it's not selfish.
Treating others how they treat you >>>>>> Treating others how you want to be treated
"Honesty without Compassion is Cruelty"
- Bruce Kasanoff
That’s acc so true ppl mistake honesty for ignorance
A big example of this is people who tout themselves as brutally honest: They are using the honesty as an excuse for their brutality.
Brutal honesty shouldn't be a starting point, it's what you fall back on when kinder words fail to make an impact.
Also, when people are honest, they should examine why they are doing so. It's like if you see someone with an issue with their appearance, the advice I've seen on whether to mention it is to ask how fixable is it in that moment. A coffee stain on a shirt while out and about? Stay quiet. Shirt buttoned incorrectly? Let them know.
@@sebrussell I disagree, brutal honesty should always be used. Theres a difference between brutal honesty (which sounds worse than it is) and being an asshole but honest. Sugarcoating or trying to soften the blow by any means can easily become a white lie if you choose to back down and not double down on the truth.
i think people have really started leaning into a very black and white, unnuanced manner of thinking these days. they create false dichotomies of being honest/real vs being kind. they forget that one can be both, they forget that you can be kind while also not letting others walk over you.
@@sebrussell I read somewhere people who say they are brutally honest often enjoy the brutality more than the honesty . and it stuck with me. there are a million kinder ways to say a thing but certain ppl choose a way that would hurt that person the most . on purpose
What you said about everyone wants a kind and positive society but refuse to act kindly and positively on an individual level towards others hit deep. Its so true.
Liz actually usually speaks of grooming both looks and personality wise. She is not telling ppl to be mean or not nice, she's just telling listeners to stop ppl pleasing to stop letting ppl walk all over you. And actually multiple times she's spoken of to be kind and nice. If you think she's telling ppl to be unkind ur just a little confused. It's totally fine if u don't relate cuz that means you've never had the unfortunate past of people pleasing.
Literally. I don’t think she gets it
Olivia explained that she doesn't define Liz's entire life and personality only by her videos, she used Liz as an example about self-centeredness since she does talk about that at times (I used to watch Liz's videos at times).
But using Liz's videos as an example doesn't mean she fully believes her identity to be self-centered rather that she sometimes tend to give some questionable advices and motivation to people and that most if not all people will take this as literally and it creates a group of people that is unable to give basic respect to those of opposing views both in the internet and in real life(since people nowadays can't really think for themselves)
I agree. I like watching Liz’ videos and she does advocate for kindness. However, sometimes she does teeter on the edge of telling people to be inconsiderate. For example, she strongly advices to not try to understand or empathize with someone who has hurt you because she thinks that that’s the same as letting it slide or giving them excuses (even though those are very different things). In another video she also says to immediately cut someone off the second they do something you don’t appreciate, even if it’s something like not holding the car door open. Again, I really enjoy most of her videos but sometimes her advice does lean towards the extreme individualism mentioned in this video
@@mcfrog5473 exactly, I have watched her videos before and some of them are extreme, like what you have put out as an example.
Liz is great for other parts (ex. Self-esteem, mental wellbeing) but in giving advices about relationships and behaviors around others (partners, friends, etc..), not so much.
(opens the video talking about her experience as a people pleaser and literally explicitly says she isn't making a comment on Liz as a person)
the way everyone is so self centered and cold on the internet is so concerning. I always see tiktoks of people with conventionally unattractive appearances and the comments are always so unnecessarily rude as if people owe them beauty. it's even worse if they're doing something that's considered cringey. of course I think a lot of things are cringey too but I never feel the need to make hurtful comments unprovoked. this is especially true for younger teenagers, especially teenage boys who have no shred of empathy whatsoever. you know these people would make any of these comments irl either, they just hide behind screens.
It makes me so mad, I agree I find some of those types of tiktoks cringey but I just move on to the next one. The comments on the otherhand make it their mission to just be as rude as possible, and I'm just like why? Do they get enjoyment out of it? Is it the whole "I'm going to make you as uncomfortable as you made me" but in this scenario the person didn't deserve it, like why are you trying to take revenge on this person who make you the tiniest bit of uncomfortable? The comments act like their appearance personally affected them.. i don't get it, I don't understand. What do you get out telling someone their ugly or unattractive? I really don't get it?????? People say that being online doesn't represent the real world, we created this, its apart of real life, or at least its an aspect of it. Everything people say and interact with is real because its a form of communication we humans created. They act like social media is a dream that has no permanence. Sorry for this rant.
I agree with you and it genuinely makes me loose faith in humanity. I don’t get how someone can be so cruel to an extent to enjoy bringing others down.
As a tik tok outsider, the comments especially, sound like the trenches. If there are people putting themselves on there despite not meeting the ridiculous levels of attractiveness, confidence, dance ability; their bravery triumphs over all of that imo. I can’t imagine going out of my way to comment something hurtful to a stranger online. If something isn’t my cup of tea why would I give my time and energy to it if it adds nothing of substance? It must just be teens going through their ‘I hate everything & that makes me cool’ phase 😂
and not to mention how they get put into cringe compilations even if whatever they do is normal or even considered cute or cool when an attractive person does it. like god forbid a person who isn't conventionally attractive exist and not try to change their appearance or actively hate themselves 24/7
I wonder this too. There just seems to be so much more mean people on the internet than in real life. I think people are afraid to portray this side of them in real life. But then again, why does there seem to be more mean people than good people on the internet? Is this the reality that people normally hide? Is it true that our world has more “unkind” or “bad” people than good people?
It pisses me off when people use “sensitive” like it’s a bad thing. No, you’re not being honest, you’re being a jerk. While being too nice doesn’t always get you anywhere, being mean doesn’t get you anywhere in the long run. Yes, we should all be assertive, honest and direct, but we should be kind and respectful about it!
Totally agree!
being too sensitive is in fact a bad thing. someone can be honest without being a jerk while also not sugarcoating something just to spare you your own feellings.
@@anastasia-ly9jnI agrée !
@@anastasia-ly9jn She just said sensitive not "too sensitive"
@@klr5695 i’m aware, and i pointed out the fact that while being sensitive might not be a bad thing, being too sensitive is (which even some people who consider themselves to be just sensitive are) .
This conversation REALLY needs to be had. And I don't mean this to be condescending, truly - but it's nice to see a Gen Z'er acknowledge this kind of stuff and confront it. Self care has seems to have been disfigured and morphed into people thinking their personal comfort is the only thing that matter at any time all the time. "Self care" seems to be more about never feeling inconvenienced by others in any way ever. "Self care" is now just an excuse for people to be closed-off, self-centered, judgmental, and lacking in empathy.
Putting yourself first means, and SHOULD mean living your life on your terms to best benefit your mental and physical health - not never giving other ppls feeling and emotions the time of day because you never want to be assed enough to care. It's a balance to be sure, and it's never a perfect process. But I'm seeing people in real time become so obsessed with their idea of "self care" that they lack basic empathy for people and dehumanize others who aren't them to an INSANE degree.
One thing that I have done recently in my life is to embrace 'toxic' people. And what I have found is not all of these people are bad, and that some of the people who always talk about how others are 'toxic' are really toxic themselves. Still I don't avoid them, because we are bound to one another on this earth, we cannot banish them to another realm of existence. And if we could, that would only be to get our hands dirty. Chuangzhou tells us to forget the self, and that is the only way to combat tyranny of the individual person; we can't let go of others' hate, but we can let go of our own.
It’s not only that people are devaluing niceness, they’re also devaluing forgiveness. That one I feel is far more harmful and makes the world a much worse place…
@@sawyoucoming22 I didn't realize this until reading your comments, but yes. The last time I heard about forgiveness is religion and Christianity particularly. Bully Maguire had a point. If people don't talk about it, we're going to lose it. The world could be an even more ruthless place.
@sawyoucoming22 Christianity has forgiveness as a foundation. It equalizes everyone because we all have wickedness in us that God freely forgives us for, and for that same reason we have to forgive others. I think a lot of people don't like believing that they have evil in them, and maybe some take it too far so they hate themselves, which isn't at all what Christianity is about. The problem is ignoring that everyone else is no better than you, either. But once you believe you aren't sinful, you have a reason to hate others and not forgive them, because when they wrong you, you think they have no reason to do so and that you would never do something similar (which isn't true).
What is, and what isn't, this 'nice' you're talking about?
@@emmagrace6396Very good point!
@@ferret4111 see every time I bring this up people bring up religion and abusers. You don’t have to be Christian, and you don’t have to let abuse happen. What you do have to do is be willing to forgive people in your day to day life every day because that is how the world becomes a better place. I’m asking you to give people the benefit of the doubt in your day to day life and forgive transgressions from people who are close to you. I am not telling you to accept abuse and if you are being abused you should report it, do everything you can to get out of that situation, and do everything to help be sure that you’re safe. But you can still be a forgiving person.
The thing with the lizard Liz is that even if some of her advice is good, the way she justifies it on “prioritizing yourself above everyone” can backfire SO BAD. Life don’t always reward those who put themselves above everyone, in fact, it can attract horrible situations and people
I disagree, you need to help yourself before you can help anyone else. Small metaphor would be how they teach adults on planes to mask first before they help their children. If the adult masks first they have eliminate their risk of passing out therefore they can help the ppl around them. If they mask the child first, they might not be awake the next second to help themselves or others. Always put yourself first, but never forget to extend kindness.
Life doesn’t always reward those who put themselves last either so there should be a balance.
“lizard liz” i’m dyingggg😭
Her name is wizard liz 🙏
@@eebedebee8915 I think there's a difference between putting yourself above everyone and helping yourself. It seems yall are talking about 2 separate things.
I tend to find that the people who are proudly "brutally honest" are often more focused on the brutality, rather than the honesty.
We rarely ever see these types of people go into kind sincerity, which is also a form of honesty.
Women are always raised to be nice and put others first. I’m okay with them seeing some encouragement to focus on themselves. I’ve never heard a video say “go out and be mean, really rude all the time.” It’s usually advice like “it doesn’t matter if others don’t understand, just do what makes you happy” and “stop making excuses for others” “have confidence when you speak” “stop putting men on a pedestal”.
true
We seriously have an empathy problem, people should be embarrassed.
True
Saw a comment that said “Empathy is the bare minimum”
And I explained to the comment of what that person meant and as expected, no response
👏🏾 👏🏾 👏🏾
womp womp
maybe shame isn’t the best tactic here?
@accutane666 they clearly didn't respond to the empathetic route. You don't have to be nice to rude people. That was also a message in this video.
I think with Thewizardliz’s videos, it depends on how you take it. From personal experience, i was in a very dark place with suicidal thoughts, letting anyone walk over me, and overall letting myself wither away… when I watched her videos on gaining confidence, making positive/effective change in your life and making life enjoyable REALLY helped me. I often skip over her videos about treating men on a lower pedestal and/or the “overly confident” ones because they always feel too harsh and self centered. While watching “empowering” videos like that I believe it’s important to not completely lose yourself or turn into the person your watching because those videos are usually dramatized and if you watch/study them enough.. you will adapt to the toxic habits being highlighted.
i agree but thats what this video is addressing. She’s saying that people are taking liz’s advice as either side of the extreme. For example, rather than believing that you must love yourself before others, her viewers tend to see her words as only loving yourself. And while Liz has some very valid but harsh truth, some things she says is more on the extreme side of narcissism rather than empowerment. And while it does matter how u take it, without any bias, that advice is wrong.
I watch her videos to reflect on myself and others. So like you said it depends on every person. She obviously has a certain concept in her videos she does on purpose to actually message getting through you (honestly works) but how is that unkind? Liz talks about how she doesn’t see herself more valuable than others. But what I learned is that disregarding your own needs will bite you in the future and I see it happening with people around me. And they can’t escape now. So it depends on how people perceive her videos. Liz too has a Internet personality like anyone else on here.
Not in a mean way, but if it’s too “harsh” you need to grow up. I am nice to anyone when I have the chance but it’s important to hear things Liz has to say because she doesn’t sugar coat. Don’t be weak-minded!!
Admittedly I wasn't being aware that my attention was drawn to acquiring the same things/accessories she has (the person I subscribed to) rather than just seeing her ways as an example (her being kind and humane).
It took me almost 2 years to unlearn and disentangle myself from clinging to the reality I have of her.
For getting the wrong idea, it became an expensive, unpractical, imitative, and impulsive mess. There it proved that time is unforgiving.
thank you! finally someone is talking about it. she really did help me at first, but at some point it’s giving me toxic positivity. idk how to describe but it’s just the feeling i get now if i watch her videos.
She sometimes give me the vibe of a female Andrew Tate. Not too much, just when she's overly chasing the philosophy of "I". If you are confident, you don't shout about it. Who are you trying to convince? Maybe try and teach about being a healthy person overall.
This is what I have struggled with as well. I do have to say when I view one’s humanity despite their mistakes or even hatred, I feel incredibly proud of myself and receive a deep feeling of calm & peace within who I am.
Love this comment 🤍
I don’t understand how people say kindness doesn’t give get you anywhere in life. I have gotten a lot of opportunities because of demonstrating kindness, and learning to be polite and honest at the same time definitely helped. Being kind and truthful aren’t opposites, they go hand in hand.
Agreed. Kindness gets you VERY FAR in life. What they're actually talking about it allowing others to take advantage of you - now that's the thing that gets you nowhere. But being kind and allowing others to use you are two very different things. These people seem to not understand that.
They also don't seem to understand the difference between looking out for yourself and not caring too much about others' opinions, and being a generally awful a-hole.
There is a core understanding in sociology of the pay it back mentality. Even if you do something kind for someone else with no strings attached, people want to mirror your actions. There is a feeling of indebtedness that doesn't have to be negative. It's quid pro quo. Being kind to people who find you to be a threat or want to take advantage of you will have mixed results with the former and bad with the latter.
You can have a good defense while still having open arms to others. Predator type persons lose that basic level of decency and respect when they show what they are. Then they get apathy (provided you've done what you feel you can to warn others of them taking advantage of people), because the best way to shut down a behavior is to not feed it.
Shame and guilt generally work on people who care what you think. If someone takes advantage of you, they usually don't think of you as a person, but a target. Cutting someone like that out of your life like they don't exist tells them that you think as little of them as they do of you, if not even less, because they're not even worth the revenge instinct we get when we've been wronged.
@user89389 Just working all the time and not questioning social norms is also a tragedy though. Throughout history the masses have been proven wrong even though most people believed it. I'd like to think kindness, compassion and empathy are a big part of moving forward. Fear is a huge factor too though. Fear has been used to do some of the worst things in human history and hate to say this but it's still gonna be a long hard road fighting that.
@@shadyd2544 There's nothing wrong with questioning social norms, some of the greatest improvements came exactly because people questioned the norm and the rules.
But there has to be a method to the madness. You can't just go around stepping on everyone to raise yourself up, glorify it, and call it a positive movement of questioning the social norms and doing the best without doing anything wrong. It doesn't work that way, but that's what many of these movements are about.
Like yeah, maybe what you try to change IS wrong... But changing it to another wrong won't make it right.
Kindness, friendliness or politeness won't get you very far in life, unless you suck up to people with connections. Being reliable and honest gets you far in life. People's good opinion of my character and my reliablity are what got me opportunities not afforded to someone who's kind or polite. Since with these kinds of opportunities the ones recommending you also risk their own reputation.
I’ll never understand how people consider being kind as being weak. I think everyone underestimates how hard it is to be and remain genuinely kind in such demanding times, whereas being shitty under the disguise of being “honest” is rather simple for the most of us
👏👏👏👏
I always be kind but I also was seen as ''weak person'', but the truuth is that being too kind is not really good, and that's the point that influencers are explaining (obviously some of them are to extremfull butthe ideas is still there).
@@sarah05k38 yeah I agree, you shouldn’t let ppl take advantage of you. but my point is, ppl forget how hard it is to remain kind and treat others well despite this. so I feel like the fact that kind ppl are easily seen as weak or like they can be taken advantage of, shows how hard it is to remain kind actually. I don’t think society is functioning because of the ppl who are looking out for themselves first, its drive force are the ppl who take it upon themselves to care about everyone else too and treat them with respect although it isn’t easy for themselves
You don’t know what happen to kind people , kind people are always seen as weak and last option . The moment I become stronger and little rough , people started treating me better . I always have been really super kind person , my family used to say don’t be this soft and kind . Yes it is true , we get exploited and taken advantage of it .
@@haifaashraf1955I agree (even if i'm not sure if i'm just nice or if i'm kind). I don't think we should treat others bad though, I think that we should try to mantain respect but be always wary and esceptical of others. I don't exactly give the image of a kind person when I say: "why would I help you with that?", "no, *you* do that", "I don't want to, why should I?", and stop being nice to people that have bad behaviours (like, i know someone who is openly homophobic, sexist and other things more even though he knows i'm from the lgbtq+ community. I try to not be cold to others even though I wish to, but he already crossed a line for me), but it's more healthy. I try to be hard on people that don't need help or could be/have a history of trying to use me, and soft with those who do really need help. It's kinda hard but being cold without being too cruel when it's not needed to, and being soft when it *is* needed to, seems like the best way to take care of yourself.
Ian Hecox from smosh sent me here
I’m so freaking happy that people are taking about this!!! The self centeredness has been so normalized that people don’t even notice it anymore
I find the mentality of "nice = weak" to be so strange because I literally got a leadership position partially due to the fact that I was nice, like I was kind to people and they needed someone who would be good at gently critiquing work and shooting down ideas that they felt were inappropriate or offensive (it's a satire newspaper) and I stood out BECAUSE of the fact that I was nice. I still speak up for myself, I still say "hey that joke wasn't appropriate" and set boundaries, but at the end of the day, I try to be kind as much as I can just for the sake of being kind and that alone has taken me so far in life, earned me positions in leadership, healthy and loving relationships, respect, and self love.
it’ll also be your downfall. All “nice” people get older and come to this realization. “Nice” is not sustainable long-term. Assertiveness will be your new “nice” when you reach that point in your life.
@@JA-xq6eqThis comment is so patronizing it's almost comedic. You have not only added zero substance to the conversation, you've actually managed to detract from it. Go watch the video again, or maybe realize that your poor outlook on life does not universally apply to everyone else "after a certain age." Pathetic 😒
@@JA-xq6eqJesus fucking Christ you are such a loser it's not even funny. Being nice is fine, it refers to basic politeness in casual every day interactions. I'm nice and polite to the cashier at the store because it's the decent thing to do. Holy shit, touch grass.
the problem is that weak ppl get labeled as nice, and weak ppl welcome the label of nice. i think if we started calling pushovers pushovers, things would change, but this is unlikely because ppl enjoy pushovers
@@JA-xq6eq There is being nice to the point people think you are a pushover and then theirs is nice but I have boundaries that way people won't walk all over you. In the end, it's all about being able to respect someone but still be able to say no when it is necessary.
Being "brutally honest" as a personality is one of the most annoying things that has grown on the internet. I can't imagine what being a teen today must be like, I haven't even graduated that long ago.
so true I’m only 21, not very far removed from these kids and yet the way we grew up/are growing up seems so different. they have a lot of pressures that I wouldn’t have been able to cope with at all - like people just put your face on the internet without asking or walk up to you and start asking random questions like if someone interviewed me in school and put it online I would’ve been so upset 😭
I think the term “brutally honest” has lost its meaning all together. I don’t think people are brutally honest most of the time. Most people are instead “brutally opinionated” and will go to great lengths share their views without stopping to consider anything else. Brutally honest people care about what their saying and consider what other people are feeling but say what needs to be said without sugar coating and acknowledging the harshness of what their saying.
@@emilie6466 I resonate with this so much. Brutally honest people will rarely be honest about their feelings and needs (especially towards themselves) and always act out of a hurt ego and wounded inner child. That has nothing to do with authenticity and I do my best to avoid such people.
real life isn't like how it seems online. i'm sure teens are the same, just different era.
Yeah a lot of people in my high school would just flame you for the most meniscule things and they would call it being "real" or being "honest". Like no you're not being real You're just a douchebag who found justification to lean into your unpleasant nature.
This is a really well put together video. It’s not only backed up with a lot of examples but it’s easy to understand without feeling like you’re being spoken down to.
27:42 is so true! another example of this is people gatekeeping certain music people have discovered online like why can't we all appreciate the artist who put their time, feelings, and hard work into their music? why does there need to be a secluded small group of people who only listen to them..? It's not just music either, there's many many examples.
People who often say "i'm just being honest," just want to use "honesty" as an excuse to be asshats. I should know. I was one of them.
I read somewhere people who say they are brutally honest often enjoy the brutality more than the honesty . and it stuck with me. there are a million kinder ways to say a thing but certain ppl choose a way that would hurt that person the most . on purpose. I'm glad you realized that you did this too - it takes self awareness! you should be proud of your progress! sending love!
Yeah, that's true!
I believe the people that watch these videos were people pleasers and such & they feel so connected cause they literally have someone telling them
"Start ghosting, no one deserves your love, be selfish, if you're not getting smth out of a relationship you are wasting your time...etc"
Well obviously, they'd feel empowered (in a bad way) 😷
So much selfishness & ego based content!!
The couple I have known over the years are also the most likely to freak out if you critique them. Brutally honest with skin thinner, then tracing paper.
Yeah I said this in another comment section but I'll say it here: this mentality is purely an ego stroke. Simply put, they want to put you down so they can feel better about themselves. They're rotten miserable people and you're better off not associating with them. All they're going to do is drag you down until you feel absolutely worthless around them.
"You will at best be momentarily praised and then ignored"
This line assumes that we all crave attention so badly while some people generally like to be nice for themselves and it makes them feel better
it’s because we’re deprived of real human friendships. That’s just the mindset under capitalism. don’t get me wrong, you can have real friends that you like in a capitalist system, but it is much much harder to let yourself be that open. our societies praise ruthlessness, when that is not how people were meant to function. If we were all ruthless and didn’t care about each other, we wouldn’t have brains. We’d be dumb stupid animals that mated and died never knowing or caring about our full potential. it’s a very backwards system if you think about it.
Doesn't everyone fall into that category though? Being nice to people DOES feel good. Regardless of whether they consciously think it or not, people are nice to each other at a fundamental level because it triggers positive emotions. If being nice to people was agonizing, nobody would do it.
People virtue signal solely to be seen as a good person. Doing the right thing when nobody is looking is called integrity.
@@Fuar11I find that majority (maybe not but a lot) of people are nice with the expectation that it will be appreciated.
Most of the time when somebody is nice and it is met with indifference the person will start to complain.
I swear Olivia's philosophy video essays have taught me more about bettering myself than anything that actually claims to be about self-help
So glad someone’s saying this. It really does cost nothing to be nice and it’s one of the biggest changes you can make in your immediate community.
Nothing is black and white. Our society loves to classify EVERYTHING while completely ignoring that most if not all things fall on a spectrum. There is a healthy balance of being kind and empathetic and still standing up for yourself and creating boundaries. The whole rise of everything being made into a curated aesthetic is proof that we just have to name and classify everything to be able to create a 'stable' identity. We don't have to fall into an aesthetic. Dress how you feel, act in ways you deem right, be friends with the people you deem healthy and cool regardless of their style or personality. Exist outside all these classifications. And I promise you that once you do, you will feel so much more confident and authentic in who you are. You can be everything at once and that's the beauty of being human.
This is so good. Well said ❤
you've just put into words what i've been constantly thinking of for like the last year, you're so right.
Be yourself
Black and white, classify and to not classify. Its the same, one should ignore what u dont like, cuz sometimes the best is no move at all. Discussing classifying and to take a stand agaisnt it is what gives life to each, cuz in the end both of those standpoints is to classify.
This comment brings me so much comfort💗Major thanks stranger.
Internet has such a "you're with me or you're against me" mentality
I will never shame anyone for running away from an external conflict they’re not a part of. They cannot arrange any side of the conflict with their beliefs and therefore choose not to betray their soul to fight for something they don’t stand behind. There is no cowardice at all, just courage for thinking clearly under the pressure of others
@@Lanuzos I think that's a nice way of thinking. But many people online are truly selfish and I think the "you're with me or against me" mentality can be very damaging.
Brought here from ian’s story 👀
You were given a gift of elaborating and explaining philosophical concepts in such a clear way, Oliva. Thank you
putting yourself first is about making your own self happier, and focusing on yourself because it is YOUR LIFE. that never means being mean to others, it simply means to be able to recognize bad situations regardless of who they are and to be able to see that you deserve better.
Facts!
factssss
Also the people around you deserve better. Focusing on yourself will make you strong enough to pick up others eventually
But is the life you are living actually *your* life?
@@protectomegax2674 well for most people yes, but sure there are those with greater responsibilities than me or the ordinary person which makes it not totally "their life" bc their decisions won't just affect them yk?
My older sister is a perfect example of being brutally honest .. while she was visiting me cross-country, I overheard her gloating to our friend "I don't care about being nice." And I said to her "You should care a *little* bit about being nice." I should have also told her- if I didn't care about being nice, I wouldn't have given you my king sized bed in order for you to have your own room while you visit me for a week .. which she practically demanded she had an enclosed space, for the sake of her anxiety. So my husband and i were "being nice" and decided to share the couch while she visited. She also pressured me into buying even more food for her while she was visiting, even tho I already spent extra cash so she could be comfortable and eat in our home .. and that was all because I care about "being nice." I don't think she realizes the weight of what she said.
I think this is a good example of being 'nice' to your detriment. Boundaries are also important x
@@tee3835 yep 😅 working on it
@tee3835 well we didn't even mind doing those things for her in the first place. It was the fact that she continued to be so demanding during her stay, and being rude that we regretted being so nice to her. She had visited us in previous years before and was never that bad
The problem is that the word "nice" means different things to different people. Some people use the word "nice" to mean friendly. Some people associate it with being respectful and polite. Some use it to mean accommodating or helpful. But it also has a negative connotation. Some people think "nice" means being a pushover, or tolerant of bad behavior. Of course, when talking about dating or showing interest in a person, a man is afraid of being called nice, because nice in that context usually means that you are in the friend zone.
@anyadarlingg9732 you should really have a talk with your sister. i'm sorry she's treating you guys like that💖
I don’t believe there’s such a thing as too nice, it’s a lack of boundaries.
as an orthodox jew, a lot of my life is focused around valuing community and other’s lives. The book “Pirkei Avot” is an ancient Jewish book (part of another book, the Mishna) which discusses ethics (its english is ethics of the fathers) and how it’s so crucial for your own joy and life to be good. to be nice.
I honestly find it so disgusting how self centered society has become, everything i see online is about find enjoyment (particularly in the material) but the greatest joy I ever have is sacrificing (most) my individuality to join in a communal activity- dancing, singing, praying. By joining with a group, caring for everyone in the group, and the knowledge that you would do anything for that old lady on your left that you don’t know- that’s how one is happy.
thank you for this videooo!!!!
be nice to others until it's the palestinians :)
It will always confuse me how many people will complain they’re lonely and you try to talk to them and they’re like the worst people you’ve ever met
They are alone for a reason
Everytime someone says things like that or say things like "I don't need friends", I think they're actually the problem.
Lmfao true
Some people are extremely shy or socially awkward.. But even those people nowadays get friends because they get into anime circles or just befriend other introverts who stay quite.
I hate that because then it makes people who are actually really lonely but not by choice seem like they’re the problem when they’re not 😓
Being nice is the default. The only people who are mean are those who were hurt by others who were also hurt. Pain leads to fear, fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. The only remedy for suffering is gratitude.
❤
@@KaleighCeethey did not, but it's very close. "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."
@@KaleighCee I paraphrased it because anger and hate in the original quote are not too dissimilar so I decided to start from pain. The main point is that the phrase: is true.
I always think about who got hurt first and started the chain
@@eliiphim That's not so different than asking "where do we come from?" at an existential level.
as mother once said "so casually cruel in the name of being honest". I also have been known as the "nice" person and I actually like to do it because I don't want to hurt anyone and I want to be treated the way I treat people. But also I am learning to not be a people pleaser. If someone cuts me in line, it will take a min for me to gather the courage but I would speak up. I am super nice to people around me even now but if someone crosses me I will make a conscious decision to put myself first. I have an unhealthy habit of being nice to people who have a bad rep, people who my friends warn me about. And I'm learning that ofc I just want to be nice but I always end up getting hurt by these people after giving many chances. I have moments where I want to just stop being nice so people won't walk over me. But then I talk to my friends and remember how nice and happy it is to just be myself and myself rn is nice. But I am making progress with saying no and setting boundaries, I hope more people are conscious of other's feelings, it's annoying when people you're so nice to just stomps on your feelings after saying they care about you, and then these people are self loathing so I can't be mean to them or they would break down. yeah im nice so thats all i am to them
Coming from Ian Hecox. He said this video is good
my ex’s favorite thing to say was “i don’t owe anyone anything”, they always told me they’d put themselves above me and criticize me for not being the same. one time we got into an argument and she said that i didn’t deserve basic respect for just being a human. glad i got out lmao
I’m glad you got out of that. I was also in a relationship with a narcissist. Be careful. Now you know what red flags to look for.
"nobody owes you anything" BIG RED SELFISH FLAG
You should've devalued her, knocked her off that pedestal and made her fear life without you more than with you.
"I don't owe you the respect of not beating you and using your body how I want regardless of if you are awake or not. Ill get what I want no matter how you feel" might change her tune when someone else makes her feel unsafe and vulnerable... People feel safe so they act bad to others, unafraid of consequences. Assault should be a spectrum. Some assaults should be overlooked when teaching someone a lesson only violence can.
@@Tonysopranoyafinook oh my goodness, breaking up is enough. Get help.
there's nothing i hate more on the internet than people glamorizing rudeness. being a people pleaser does not equal being polite and having basic decency. trate os outros da mesma maneira que gostaria de ser tratado.
anyways
i love how well you get your point across in all videos!! its clear how much thought and how much work you put in all your videos ❤ looking forward to your next subject
It’s very annoying seeing people trying to imitate being the “IT GUY/GIRL” by being annoyingly rude.
BOJACKK
No one is hated more than he who speaks the truth
THANK YOU for making this video. It really compacts the thoughts about the self-centered society we are living in. People just don't realize politeness is such an important thing in society.
You know? Watching this video made me think back to this quote from the inspector calls:
We don't live alone. We are members of one body. We are responsible for one another.
People don't seem to understand the difference between being nice and having bounderies. A lot of people think that being nice means you have no bounderies and then go to the opposite extreme and become selfsh assholes.
Yeah, they often either have no boundaries or cross others' boundaries.
I've noticed the same people who claim to "not owe anyone anything"or go by "i'm just being real if you can't handle it you're a snowflake" usually get emotional over the same things,they don't practice what they preach they just want to seem nonchalant to look like they're emotionally unbreakable when really they're even more sensitive than the rest
Fr
agreed. theres a lot of sensitive people who are surprisingly insensitive when they're being mean to others. and sometimes it's as an automatic reaction, as though on instinct.
purely because it's "in vogue" to be cool and indifferent these days! 😅
No
@@ianianio Right, I've met so many people like that, they get their egos hurt so easily but go around acting like they're careless when talking down on others
really well said!!
id been meaning to watch this vid for several weeks, and now that i did, I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart: girl, i love you. genuinely, you made me cry when you read that quote about being responsible for the suffering and nurturing of everyone and every thing. So many people truly don't understand how powerful radical care and tenderness and compassion are, specially living in this world so full of suffering and injustice. it fills me with hope hearing people like you echo the same feelings i feel. there is so much power in choosing to care. also, i truly appreciate how much research and critical thinking and communication went into making this. philosophical language is not easy and you managed to convey the thesis of your vid with so much sentiment and eloquence. loved this so much. so happy to have found your channel. also for everyone reading, i love you and Palestine will be Free. ♥️
I was such a people pleaser. When i stopped catering to everyone and started caring about myself and setting boundaries i got called selfish and a bitch. Truely mindboggling.
I am so happy that somebody finally speaks on this!
I've been noticing that many people in my life have been starting to be very self-centered and straight up rude to other people with the excuse of it being "self care". They started loosing sight of the bigger picture and don't really concentrate on important things anymore, or even just how they treat people, because they are too busy with:
- seeing themselves as the victim of everything
- talking about their appearance
- just circling around themselves
It's so tiring to be friends with them and honestly very boring, trying to talk about it with them is also impossible
change your friends, mine were the same and i stopped talking to them and im the most happy human being right now. I do understand the tiredness of listening to people talking about themselves and nothing else, and as you said, the most boring thing
Agreed!! It's such a breath of fresh air to hear this being talked about. I have a family member with that toxic mindset right now and it makes it hard to spend time with her. We used to be so close too.
Self love and care is important, but the conversation feels more like justified narcissism in the way it's evolved.
This is how coworker conversations tend to go 😭😭
This is what happened to me in the beginning of my healing journey, and now I’m taking a step back and realizing how my attitude may have destroyed relationships that could’ve been good
Preach
Like my math teacher once said; confidence is good, overconfidence is not
why? i don't understand
@@Isa_astleywhen you’re overconfident or egotistical, it comes off as arrogant or narcissistic if that’s makes sense
@@hearts4pinkie_ makes sense, thanks for answering! ^^
ironically, overconfidence is a sign of low self confidence
@@DavidJones-ot8qu seriously? :0
This is the best video essay I have ever seen. I’m amazed by how thorough you are and how well thought out it is.
I want this to be mandatory viewing for every person
I just found your channel and I am obsessed with your video essays. You are so well-spoken and articulate the way Ive been feeling perfectly
This new era of self help and healing has left me feeling unbalanced
SAME IM QUESTIONING EVERYTHING ATM
Same,self help,improvement,development makes me depressed and actualy makes things worse
@@DamyanTenev for me it helps bc it’s the only substitute I have for not wanting to 💀myself but that dosent mean I’m like fully satisfied
@@DamyanTenev because this is how progress works. you're kind of sitting in down there and as you try to make things better and move forward, you're met with uncertainty, and so you start to unconsciously question whether you're doing things right & you just get really stressed somehow and confused and lost because you've never been that self aware of your actions and behavior. beginning to make conscious decisions(especially ones regarding overall self-discipline and communication skills) can be quite a journey. it's very normal to feel repulsed, burdened, weak or unable by the thought of having to build some willpower and discipline to make changes about yourself and your lifestyle. i hope that made sense 💀💀💀🚶♀️🚶♀️
“Self-help” is a lie. Took me a long time to realize. I mean of course if you don’t help yourself at all then you’ll just become a nuisance to society. Although human beings are social creatures and we thrive in a community.
Our society is pushing individualism SO hard and has been since the early 1900’s, and once century later and look where we are..
I am not going to lie; as someone who grew up being either extremely brutally honest or too much of a people pleaser, I can say this: Be a respectful person who speaks with decorum and breaks the truth to people with love. If you try to go too far one way or the other, you will fail. If you're too brutally honest, your correct opinions can go overhead. If you're too nice, no one respects you. But, if people hate you for being right while you express your knowledge and wisdom with a kind attitude, you can't hold yourself accountable for someone taking offense and overreacting. It's that person's fault for being unable to consider your words with maturity.
I'm going to reread this everyday. You couldn't have said this better.
very on point. thank you!
Very true, it's also very frustrating to live this way sometimes and you have to remember that key point: you can't control how others react to your actions and so you shouldn't let those reactions change you into being more of a doormat or more of an asshole. Be resolute, be structured, be disciplined, and above all be good.
beautiful mindsets people 🫶🏼
Great mindset. It's all about balance
i’m so glad you talked about thewizardliz because everytime i see vids of her on my fyp it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, everyone says to act like her and take her advice for a healthier lifestyle but all it is encouraging is self centeredness
Thank you for sharing this. I have always had trouble making friends, but my addiction to the internet has made me a selfish individualistic piece of flesh. The pandemic quarantine also made me completely disconnect from reality. This entire video really, REALLY called me out. I will try fixing this situation, and thanks once again.