A Life Update... Grief and Feeling Lost
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- čas přidán 19. 03. 2024
- #drelliott #mentalhealth #grief
I haven't been posting as much in the last few months and there is a good reason. On this video I tell you what's happened with me, my ongoing experiences of grief and the sense of feeling lost about what to do next. I hope that by talking openly about this it might help me as well as any of you going through something similar to know that you're not on your own.
Take care of your loved ones and don't take them for granted xxx
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, Elliott. I can appreciate your pain. As a young doctor (internist and psychiatrist), I lost my mother when I was 33 years old, and she was 59 and had survived 18 months with a glioblastoma. I was an only child and she a single mother. We were VERY close. My father had died just two years earlier at age 57. So, we share a bit of life's challenges. I certainly experienced some, at least, of Elizabeth's stages of grief, but my many defense mechanisms kept me functional. That said, for several years the grief returned with moments of memory, the sudden impulse to call my mother and tell her something, and so on. While the loss never goes away, for me the pain lessened. It's now been almost 40 years. The thing that has changed so much is now much I'd like to have conversations with my mother (and my father) at this stage of life--questions that was unable to formulate in my 30s. Perhaps that's just part of the loss and, perhaps, grief, all these years later. On the other hand, I think most of us wish we could have conversations as our "today selves" with our deceased loved ones. It would be so informative and interesting. While I don't know you, I'm feeling for you, and I hope you feel better as much as possible as time allows. (Oh, and BTW, we say "loss," and it is a loss, but is many ways she always will be with you.)
Dear Dr. Elliott, my deepest condolences to you and your family. Please feel free to take all the space and time you need. Rest in peace, Mrs. Fiona 🌺
with so much love from a viewer from Vietnam
So sorry for your loss. I lost my life partner a year ago after a brief illness and I also found that grief hit differently than I expected. When people asked, I would explain to them that it felt like my brain was broken. I would constantly forget what I was doing, lose my things, be unable to concentrate on anything. I could act normally most of the time and then break down over the most random thing. The sadness I learned to live with, but the guilt and the trauma are harder.
After a year, the grief is still here, but happier moments take more and more space.
To anyone going through this, I wish you some peace, and I hope you have the support you need. ❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed away several years ago and I only recently started unpacking the trauma of that having previously completely emotionally shut down. I think the loss is something you think you can imagine and prepare yourself for but when it hits you then you realise you can’t ❤ The hardest point for me was when I ran out of busy tasks that I could use to distract myself from sitting in the grief. You have my deepest condolences ❤
Your channel has helped so many people me included. Take your time we will still be here if you feel ready to post again. ❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. Just a few weeks ago, my grandfather died from a stroke and it really devastated me. I began to dissociate to cope with it, taking a test the afternoon of the day he died, going straight to school after attending his funeral. But everything I did, I just couldn’t stop thinking of him and my poor grandmother. It kills me that we couldn’t spend Christmas with him because he was in hospital due to liver disease. That he died the week before my 18th birthday. The day before I received an offer from a medical school. I know how much joy it would have brought him to spend these moments with me and my family.
I hate that I can understand grief more tangibly than I could before, when it was some abstract burden, but now I feel how painful it is and all the things that come with it. All this to say, thank you for your channel and your openness and again, I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this
On November 13th, 2019 my mother passed away from an adenocarcinoma of the lung.
I only mention the specifics because the nature of her condition meant I got to be with her for about a year caring for her. I really relate with what you're saying about helping, feeling useful and having that anticipatory grief.
I'm sure you understand on an intellectual level, but I want to just tell you on an emotional level. It gets easier. It will get better. I remember the days where I'd wake up and the day would begin with me remembering she was gone. It felt like it would never end. It felt like the world would never be ok.
And, then, one day, and I don't remember when, I was ok. I didn't wake up and immediately think about it. I didn't have the cloud of loss over me that day. And now I think about her, and I miss her, but I have reached a new normal.
I didn't WANT to feel normal for a long time after that still. But that also got better.
I'm doing my law degree, I'm getting married in January. My mum won't be there to see either, not in person. But I'm living the life she wanted for me, which is whatever I choose to make me happy. Take your time. It will get better. You will get there.
I don't think I ever had an abnormal response, or medically unhealthy grief. It took way more than 6 months for me to stop grieving, but I wasn't, like, completely shut down by it like some people are. I kept going, even if I was a little on autopilot. I think it should be a lot more about symptoms and consequences rather than timeframe.
I wish you and your family every luck on your journey going forward. Hold onto those good memories.
To borrow a phrase, love you, bye.
I’m so sorry for your loss Dr Elliot. Take all the time you need to process this in whatever way you feel most comfortable. You have my unreserved support.
“What is grief if not love persevering?”
Wishing you and your family all the best.
As an addendum, the ‘timeline’ given for ‘abnormal’ grief worried me too. Not only does it seem arbitrary but it seems worryingly motivated by economics; ‘How long is it acceptable for a worker to be affected by the loss of a loved one, and therefore what is the acceptable level of workplace disruption before it can be pathologised and ‘addressed’.
I lost my wonderful mom after she had an unexpected illness lasting 4 months from diagnosis to death. I’m also a healthcare professional who worked in ICU during the pandemic (so I have similar feelings about the systemic issues) and I can say with 100% certainty that you will be needed when you can return. Take the time you need, however much it may be. You can help rebuild the system (I’m still working on knowing how) in whichever way serves you after you take care of yourself.
The deep painful longing never goes away but, eventually it lives in the background and you get a little twinge on occasion that tells you “I loved you then and I will forever”. I am so sorry you have to join the club of people who know that pain.
If you want practical advice (we love that as healthcare people) :Bottom-up processing techniques have helped me to feel the grief instead of using the healthcare hat to rationalize or obsess. Taking the healthcare hat (or the content creator hat) off is very difficult and I understand my own version of that feeling. Please just be kind to yourself and maybe just wear the son hat sometimes.
Hi Dr. Elliot,
I lost my mom very suddenly when I was 14 back in 2011. I just want to say it's okay to take the dive to do what's best for you. Your videos have been very helpful for me and I want you to know you're a bright spot in my life and the life of so many.
That all said, since you're truly experiencing grief and learning more about it that you just can't learn until you do experience it, I just want to say in my experience, it comes in waves. Even 12 and a half years later, where I've mostly adjusted and moved on, every now and then there's something that pokes just the right memory and makes it hurt again. But I can also say that each time, the hurt gets to be a little bit more normal, and you get used to it, kind of like stretching a muscle. It's still going to be sore, but eventually, it'll go from a stabbing pain that keeps you in bed to a twinge that'll pass a bit sooner that's easier to ice with the good memories, or take a painkiller of your favorite song together. And sometimes you might stretch it a little harder than you're used to, and it'll be a bit more painful than you've gotten used to it being, but you'll find things to help relieve it.
Lean into your grief the way you would training to stretch your muscles. Let yourself feel the hurt and know it's there, but keep feeling and existing and it'll become a hurt that you'll find makes you a better you. I've found that that works better than stopping the muscle stretches altogether to avoid the pain, because then, if you decide to stretch one day, it starts to hurt even wose and it's easier t hurt yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss, sending you all the love
Sorry for your loss. Always a big fan of how you come out against overmedicalisation, whilst also still being compassionate and always evolving. Your channel has been a favourite watch of mine for a few years and this video exemplifies why
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Elliott. Especially because you and your mum were close. I'm quite a few years older than you, so both my parents are gone. And it's a big adjustment to lose a parent. The way I think of it is, we only have a finite number of people in our "cheering section", and losing even one leaves a hole in your life. Even though the pain you're feeling WILL subside over time (and trust me, it will), it still changes you. Your life is different now, and your family is different now. Grief is love that has nowhere to go.
I recommend you take a look at a very beautiful new film called "All of Us Strangers" which has some very profound things to say about grief, but it's not depressing. It's very cathartic. Plus, it's a gay movie by the director who made "Weekend". It's just lovely. Maybe you can make one of your reaction videos about it.
Be well.
I experienced grief and loss as quite all-consuming for a while. I oscillated between anger and deep sadness. I still have small moments now and then that bring me down for a couple of hours. I feel like 6 months is not very long.
I tried on one hand, to reach out to friends and new people, go out, be social. On the other hand, I gave myself plenty time alone for myself to sit in my comfy chair and just cry.
Wish you the best on your grief journey. It takes time and very gradually gets better. I did not have any big decisions to make in that time. But I currently scaled back a lot of things to regain my energy and rest as much as I need after that hard couple of months. ❤
So sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to process this in the best way you can. As much as we all love your videos, don’t feel you owe us anything or feel pressure to upload new videos. We’ll all still be here when you come back, supporting you as always
Very sorry for your loss, mate. Your mum sounds ace, and I love how you identified some of her qualities that you are embodying. Take care of yourself!
Dear Elliott, I am so sorry for your loss. My mum was diagnosed with ALS about 10 months ago. She is doing alright but we all know (and fear) what is going to come in the next 12-24 months. The "anticipation of grief" is very real; I am sometimes so despondent that I am terrified of what the grief will be like once she is actually gone.
My heart goes out to you and your loved ones - I sincerely wish for you that the happy memories of Fiona will outweigh the experience of the last couple of months.
The good memories of my mom are worth all the tears and longing. I keep a journal, and write in it Every time I miss her, that’s helped a lot
I'm so sorry for your lost and I'm floored by your ability to introspect so deeply while going through this. It shows a deep care. I hope you figure out where you're going! I'm a little loss myself at the moment. It's nice to hear others struggle, not for the pain but the not alone-ness of it all.
I am so sorry for your loss.
"Are we over-medicalizing grief"
"My lived experience has made me realize that my academic understanding has been superficial to say the least"
I had to pause. Without going into detail, you have no idea how validating it is to hear that from a medical professional. Thank you for what you do, please know that it really does make a difference.
May you and your loved ones find peace along your journey, and may your memories of your mother light your way. Take care Dr Elliott 🤍
Sorry for your loss. 💔
I’m sorry for your loss. I know it seems meaningless to hear it at time and at others it means a lot.
My mum was also called Fiona. She had a head injury while in hospital she didn’t tell anyone and went back home and died two days later. It was shocking for all of us, I thought my brother was pranking me at first even though in my heart I knew it was true.
The way I see grief is your in the middle of the ocean during a cyclone. The waves are hitting you constantly you and you can barely catch your breath. Over time you slowly move closer to shore and the wave height and frequency lessens and one day in your own time, you’ll be standing on the beach welcoming the waves of their memory’s and love as it cools off your feet. Grief is love without anywhere for it to go. So be let yourself feel and say goodbye in your time and your way.
Dr Elliott, my heart goes out to you , I lost sister , mother and dad all at once , still miss them but no one can take all your precious happy memories away. They are yours for always .. sending you love n healing xx thanks for sharing your grief and loss it helps xx
I'm sorry for your loss. Grief comes in strange waves. Years later, something out of nowhere, pain finds you. That's just the way it goes. Wishing you a bit of peace, and affection.
My condolences.
My grandpa experienced an acute heart attack and died half a year ago, very unexpected, extremely tragic, it was the first funeral i ever attended, my whole family was so shaken and it was so hard to return to normal life for all of us, then in December my aunt died after a long battle with cancer, she unfortunately didn’t handle a new round of chemotherapy that she really hoped could help her, and i could say many things about them, my love for them and how much they both meant, but i still can’t hold back tears just thinking about them, i am also crying while writing this comment, it is so incredibly tough even after many months, but i don’t want to shame myself for this or pathologize my feelings, the truth is that i just really care for them and i also cared while they were alive and i don’t want my memories of them to fade, i don’t want to suppress my emotions just because it would be more acceptable to not feel the way i still do.
I am making great progress with filling the emptiness inside me by doing art, trying new hobbies and studying, i also really want to find a part-time job in tutoring, but i still have some troubles with being more active socially.
I wish you and your family the best of luck and thank you so much for sharing your story and your thoughts, it really helped to process everything a bit more and view my grief from a different angle.
Thanks again and take your time to recover!
My condolences :( Lots of love to you.
Such a difficult and painful experience. I am so very sorry. I agree as to the ridiculously arbitrary definition of prolonged grief. This is a moment that profoundly and irrevocably changes a person.
Sincere condolences. I really enjoy your videos and point of view, and my heart goes out to you. Before my dad died in 2013, i asked him if he still missed his father, who died in 1959. His reply: "Every day." Grief never ends.
My condolences sir. While I have a complicated relationship with my biological mother, I adore my adoptive mother. When either die, I will be devastated. You have helped many people, my boyfriend and i love your channel, however, you are also a person who feels everything 99% of people do. You know that you will heal, but it will take time. You're going to be in our thoughts, may you find peace as soon as possible. 😢
My sympathies Elliot, please take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you feel ready to make videos again.
You have my deepest empathy for your loss.
My mother died last mid november too, not that suddenly, and it was/is still hard. She would have turned only 62 about a week later, but we knew since years about a condition that could not be cured. She had spent more time in hospitals than at home during the last 2 years of her life. The relationship with her was by far not easy, but she still was one of my closest human contacts (and I don't have many to begin with). I feel lost a lot as well. And even more lonesome.
I whish you whatever helps you best to go through this hard time.
(I have been in major depression since at least 2022, so I feel a lot of numbness as well. I feel like "the full grief" has not even reached me yet. I was actually hospitalized myself in psychiatry ward of the same hospital. The last 3 weeks of her life, I could be there for her every single day, visiting her at least once. It gives me some peace to know that. I was te last one she wanted to come and I gave my everything to fulfill the last little things that could give her a better moment. Like bringing her a croissant if she felt like it, and later when she stoppped eating, a juice of her choice. Advocate for her to have a single room when her bad roomate stole these juices and did not leave her in peace. It was hard to see her wither away, the last day she was barely present any more due to strong pain killers and the like. Like that there was some relief as well, knowing that she was freed from her suffering.
So I totally understand how you can feel somewhat more peaceful for because you felt helpful. I'm sure your mother was very thankful for it.)
And I really really did not want to make this "about me". I just felt like I could relate so much. That thought helps me a lot, although I still question if I could not have done even more. But I always do that.
I send you deep condoleances from Luxembourg.
And you are only human too. As are all doctors. You have my deep respect for holding yourself accountable and "admitting" that you may have underestimated the impact of grief on your patients.
Thank you very much for sharing your thought processes, for being vulnerable right here. It IS helpful. To see a medical professional, a psychiatrist at that, struggling with a hard life event just like anyone else is touching and bonding as it shows our common human nature. And the weight of it.
I also whish your the clarity to figure out how to go on with your journey. Whatever that may be.
(And sorry for the long comment. I got carried a way I guess)
I've experienced loss before, Elliott, and the pain never goes away, but of course not, I still love them and I always will, and I wouldn't have that any other way, and of course some pain comes with that.
Hugs to you 💙💙💙 autopilot is probably a good defense mechanism for horrible happenings like this. Hugs to all your family as well.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really needed this video, and I know I’m not alone. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this experience with all of us.
I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤😢❤
I missed you, I love you and I am praying for you in this time of grief.
I'm so sorry for your loss❤️ Thank you for sharing your loss and helping others feel less alone with their grief
The grief process is a journey nobody is ever ready for. My mum passed almost a decade ago but I still have my moments.
I know you know this, but the first year is the hardest but it never goes away.
I would suggest looking for a video on CZcams from Andrew Garfield speaking about his mother’s death.
Reach out to the people who you love and share your grief with them. Going it alone is not the best way.
Sending you positive thoughts
Dr. Elliot, thank you so much for being vulnerable with us. So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and helping validate a very difficult experience. ❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents many years ago- my dad when I was 22 and my mom when I was 37-both with steeply declining very painful illnesses. When people asked me what the grief felt like to be without my parents, the word that resonated for me the most other than pain was “unmoored”. That lost feeling like one’s axis of origin or compass is just not there anymore. That is easy to say the words but hard to really understand until you feel it. I hope you find peace as the intense grief slowly turns to more lovely memories.
My sincere condolences Dr. Carthy. Let me tell you a brief story. Not so long ago I experienced a recurrence of Bell's Palsy. My physician expressed concern that the recurrence was caused from the stress of my mother's recent tragic death. Thing is I was 56 at the time and already recognized the signs of intense grief because I experienced it years ago when my father died suddenly from congestive heart failure at the age of 64. I agreed with her but refused the antidepressants. I told her that I would be more worried if I was not grieving. It is normal and healthy to be devastated. The pain is not forever and you will feel better. It is just going to take time. There are no shortcuts. As for your career choices, all I am going to write is that your videos have both entertained and helped me, and I am grateful for your content.
I'm so so sorry for your loss and thank you for trusting us enough to share your feelings about it.
I'm so sorry, Elliott. I lost my mom nine years ago, and it lead to a lot of reevaluation and ultimately a major job change... all for the better. Thanks, Mom! Be gentle with yourself.
Gosh, I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. My mom died suddenly too, several years ago. I'm comforted when I notice something of my mom coming out in me - tiny things, like the way I stand with my hand on my hip. It feels like she's there. 😊
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my dad suddenly in 2020 and it set me adrift. One thing I noticed is how nothing seems important anymore when you lose someone. You’re right that it doesn’t get any easier, but you learn to enjoy your life without them and the memories sometimes feel less painful, especially when you think about the funny things (my dad tried to be funny all the time but was only funny when he didn’t try). Your new experience with grief will likely make you a better clinician, more empathetic towards the individual in front of you. Good luck with the future and the decisions you need to make.
I lost my Dad on 2 February 2017 and my Grandma 4 February 2017. Grief is wild. I had no idea until I experienced these losses. Grief really never ends. It just evolves.
My Dad had Stage IV Esophageal Cancer. From diagnosis to death it was 10 insane months. The anticipatory grief did not at all prepare me for his actual death and the grief that came with it.
My Grandma died two days later completely unexpectedly. I was not prepared for the different type grief I had from my Dad's death.
I wish you all the love and support in the world. This is truly a wild and hard journey
“What is grief, if not love persevering?”
Sending much love 💕
My condolences.
💔 I hope you get better soon.
Rest in peace, Mrs. Fiona
Thank you for your channel Dr. Elliot.
Take your time to recover.
Hi, Dr Elliott. I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you find comfort in her having been comfortable and surrounded by the people she loved and that loved her back.
I'm the youngest grandchild on my father's side of the family. My grandfather was 96 when he died. I was 12. I had grown up in their (my grandmother and grandfather's) house since my parents, sister, and I had moved in to take care of them when I was an infant. Whenever I was home, he was there. His health had been declining for four years and I had helped take care of him (feeding him, keeping him entertained, giving him his medication, watching over him, I helped change his diaper a few times if it was needed). When he died I didn't cry. But it's been over ten years and I still miss him. I still cry sometimes. Whenever I sing with my grandmother his favourite song, whenever I see an empty toilet paper roll, and I remember he used to make kaleidoscopes for my sister and I with them. When silly things remind me of him.
I hope when you remember her you remember the good times you spent together and how much you loved her.
Sending you my condolences and hopes for your well-being all the way from Mexico.
I lost my biological mom in 2020, someone who I had random sporadic contact with but still loved, and my aunt in 2022. Previous to this I had lost extended members and the grieving process has been long and confusing. Sometimes I am mourning what I wish I could have had with my mom and all I won't be able to answer and tell her and reactions are a mix between I am fixating and this is legitimate.
I'm just happy to see someone speak more openly about it who is also a professional. I am not expecting an objective answer as to when my grief is manageable but it helps to hear that it is being looked at and there are still things to learn and maybe what is happening to me is not entirely strange.
I'm so so sorry for your loss ❤️❤️❤️ I lost my dad very suddenly two years ago. I don't think the grief will ever dissappear, but it does change ❤️
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss Dr C! Remember, you don’t have to go through things alone. Some people do care and will rise to occasion. Hoping for nothing but the best for you in the near future. Take care of yourself and be well!
So sorry for your loss, and all the love.
I don't think it's right to see it as 'opportunity' or 'silver lining' or anything that suggests some justification, but one of the characteristics of times of trauma and loss is the shock wave that has us re-evaluate our lives and identity, reassess everything. And that can lead to profound change.
Best wishes on whatever comes.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Your mom sounds like a lovely person!
My mom died about 2 years ago and to this day I feel like I don't really understand this world...the one without her in it. It doesn't make sense to me...
Lots of love to you.
I started this video when I was already crying. Calmed down then 16 seconds in, I'm going again hahaha. Gonna have to come back to this video, doesn't seem like it's right for me in this moment lol. Or maybe it is and I just don't feel like dealing with it rn. I'm having a hard day of grieving myself.
I just wanted to say that you're not on your own. Grief is a difficult process. Please don't feel the need to be strong, let yourself feel it and just go through the motions (something I'm terrible at). We'l still be here supporting you. Don't worry about that, you don't have to explain yourself, my lovely.
You're amazing for being able to share and use your experience & pain to help others. You're so brave. I'm truly so sorry for your loss. Sending you so much love, Elliott. ❤
I'm so sorry about your mom. We're all naïve about grief until we experience it; there really is no way to be ready for what it's like. And thank you for pushing back on that definition of prolonged grief disorder. I suddenly lost a dear friend of mine just under ten years ago, and the grief is still with me. For years, I believed that I shouldn't still be experiencing grief anymore, so there must be something else wrong with me.
It's coming up to the second anniversary of my mom's death. I've been in a weird mood, haha.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened, man. It's hard. It's strange. Especially feeling a sudden and different inspiration of how to live your life, based on how this amazing woman lived her's. It's so hard to explain that to people who haven't gone through it.
I'm glad you found positive in the negative experience. You used this as a chance to remember the emotion behind the practice. The complexity of working through something so heavy. Thank you for that. I've seen this grief destroy people and it's so comforting seeing someone else use their grief to keep moving forward, like I have, to keep doing good in the world. Thanks. Take care.
Hi Elliott. You're not alone either. I lost my mum several years ago. She had many health issues and I found myself experiencing anticipatory grief. When she died, my life was never the same.
When I was studying Psychology at Uni I was introduced to clinical formulations as an alternative to diagnoses (taking aspects of diagnostic criteria and using them to describe symptoms in a much more fluid way than diagnoses allow). So the ICD11, so I wouldn't personally rule out Prolonged grief disorder, just drop 'disorder' and have a better understanding of prolonged grief.
Most of all, take as much time as you need, allow yourself to feel however you feel, and know that there is another gay man who studied psychology and lost his mum somewhere out there who gets it. Again, you're not alone either.
Much love.
Sorry for your loss. We just started this proccess. My father became sick last year and we knew it was coming. We watched him go further downhill over that year. Last night sadly he lost the battle. And now the grief starts. And it hurts.
So sorry for your loss. Sending good vibes your way ❤
I'm sorry sorry for your loss, Dr. Elliott. Almost 15 years ago, I lost my father at 59 as well, and your description, losing the Captain of your ship, was exactly how it felt.
I appreciate that even at this very painful time for you, you are still sharing you knowledge to help other people.
I am so sorry. Losing a parent so quickly can really pull the rug out from under you; it happened to me several years ago when my mom was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. It felt like the bedrock under my feet had revealed itself to be very shallow, and I was plunged into a myriad of strong emotions. When she did pass after several intense months, I felt relief, and then a desire to feel every step very vividly & think about where I was going and what impact the loss of such a guiding influence would have.
One thing I learned is to stop projecting grief on others, to ask questions, to see where they are in the process and what it looks like for them. I also channeled it into my work - I'm a journalist; I hope you find it as useful and helpful to speak through and share your process as I did.
Either way, I'm sorry. Something feels intrinsically wrong about losing a parent at a time when you're not ' supposed' to lose them yet, when there is that promise of the future that gets snatched from you. I hope you find what you need to progress & process & come out better on the other end, even if the loss is never fully gone.
Thank you for making the video. It was very comforting and reassuring. I am also not a fan of how everything is over categorized sometimes. It can feel dehumanizing.
I am sorry about your mom, and especially that the way it happened sounds very hard and traumatic.
I lost my dad in a really upsetting way as well.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away two years ago I'm still feeling it. We had a complicated relationship, he was an addict. I cut him out of my life for a year and right when I was working on a reconciliation with him is when I lost him. I was devastated. I remember talking to my own therapist about it, she said the pain doesn't go away but eventually you can learn to be at peace with it and yourself. I hope you find peace with yourself soon too. Take care and be strong!
Thank you for sharing that with us. I hope you can find comfort while you're healing. Love and Respect.
My sincerest condolences to you and your family. Thank you for sharing as much as you have. My own mum passed after a long debilitating disease at the end of January. Much of what you're expressing is still very relatable to me and mine. Sending you much love. Peace be with you, Fiona
Sending you positive vibes. ❤ So sorry for your loss, and I think it's wise to accept grief as it is, and work with it rather than against. Sometimes, feeling bad about bad things is normal, even if it takes awhile to move forward fully. As was stated once in a BoJack Horseman episode, "Don't feel bad about feeling bad."
May her memory be a blessing, you are not alone either. You're right, it never really goes away, but you'll grow around it and it'll get easier to deal with (slowly, little by little).
I'm sorry for your family's loss. It seems like she built a strong support system, rely on each other. Take care
You know when I saw you in your black tie in your last videos I thought: shit, did he just come from a funeral? I am so sorry you have to go through this! Any time I think of my parents not being alive anymore I can't breathe and I dread the day it becomes reality.
You take as much time as you need, we will be here and you don't owe us anything. Just get up and breathe, that is all you have to do the rest will happen when it is supposed to. Big hugs!
This helps me so much my mom passed away after me being her caregiver 24 7 she had dementia and cancer it's so hard watching someone you love deteriorating and I'm glad I got that time with her but it still hits me so hard anytime any memory comes across I went from being with her 24 7 to Never and I actually gained 50lbs since she passed I'm getting better though losing that depression weight and this video helps more. Thank you for sharing
I’m sorry for your loss. I only discovered your channel fairly recently. But your videos have helped me immensely as I’ve been going through some personal issues. I wanted to thank you for what you do here. Your community loves and appreciates you! Sending my love from Texas!
Edit: Watched the full video and the fact that you have seen an issue in this disorders diagnosis terms is amazing to say the least. Especially whilst dealing with the loss of your mom. You are an amazing doctor and we need more like you. Hell, if you were near me and you had a private practice I’d be trying to get sessions with you!!
Oh, I am lost for words. I am very sorry for your loss, especially that it was so sudden. It must be very hard for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Take your time, we'll be here when you're ready to post again, be it next week or next month or whenever.
So sorry for your loss, Elliott 💖
I'm sorry for your loss. Take your time, take care of yourself; know that you're doing the best you can right now, and that's enough.
I'm so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a lovely lady and a great mom, from the bits you shared about her and her influence on you. I really appreciate you being brave and vulnerable enough to share your thoughts with us. Take care, and good luck on your journey of figuring out what you want to do next ❤
Oh no, that's awful! I'm so sorry, lovely 😔😔 Please take all the time you need xx
I learned thru therapy and studying social work, being professional doesn't necessary mean, being not authentic, honest or even share some of own experience, opinions or feelings. Being professional means, being able to do all off above (and knowing, how much to share), without making harm to your client/patient and to yourself, being able to talk with patient person to person, and making patient/client and your relationship with them benefit from your honesty, or showing vulnerability.
So sorry for your loss.
A belated comment, but a big thank you for posting this video, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.
Grief really is so personal, and so much... MORE than can ever be conveyed through words or text or learning without experiencing it. Yet, I don't want others to have to experience it, either.
I'm glad also that you called out the 6 month time frame - good grief (hah), though my mood certainly ebbed and flowed, I can't imagine being "okay" enough to not fit that definition after six months.
My brother passed away unexpectedly when he was 21 and I was 23, and I'm not sure I could even tell you when I was "okay" more than I wasn't. And 'friends' who thought they knew about grief and thought they could dictate what I was feeling made it so much worse. It's been a long, long time since then, and I'm certainly okay more than I'm not, but it can still sneak up on you at times.
A friend who'd gone through a close similar loss told me at the time that losing somebody you love that much is like having a hole in your body. It's huge and painful and overwhelming. And it may get smaller, but it won't ever fully close up. Instead, we just get better at dealing with the sound of the wind blowing through the hole.
Much love to you and your family.
So sorry about the loss of your mom. I really hear the love for her in your voice. The discussion about experiencing grief and jntellectualizing it was very vulnerable. Thank you for that.
I’m so sorry for your loss Elliot. Sending lots of love and strength to you and your family ❤
I am so sorry for your loss Elliot xx
Thank you for your candor. How you managed to put your experience, thoughts and feelings into words is admirable. Thank you for sharing with us. I am so very sorry for your loss.
we love you dr elliot! ❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. The way you speak about your mum is beautiful and makes it clear how important your relationship with her was. It’s a lovely way of honouring her influence in your life to share that with us your viewers, who appreciate the qualities of warmth, honesty, directness, humour and compassion that you bring to your channel alongside your informative commentary. Thank you for sharing your feelings and reflections on being in grief and on anticipatory grief. We lost my dad at a very similar time and it’s helpful to hear you talking about this moment of life and grief. Do take care of yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss sending you so much love.
Condolences ... I'm so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss Dr. Elliott. I can certainly empathize with what you’re going through. I lost my dad a few years ago while I was in the middle of my psych NP clinicals. He was a psychologist as well, and a big reason why I work in mental health. He was the person I would always vent to about my work, schooling, or just personal life. When he passed, I had a difficult time, and probably did some borderline dissociating as well. It’s been 5 years, and there isn’t a day I don’t think about him. I feel I can understand the grief my patients go through at a deeper level now, and I know that not everyone experiences it the same way. For me, I see grief similar to being capsized in the ocean and hanging onto a raft in the middle of a storm- when you first lose that person, it’s like the waves are coming so often and intense it’s hard to keep your head above water. But over time, the waves become less frequent and less severe. Sometimes a big wave will still hit, but it isn’t as often as it was. Grief over the loss is still there, but it isn’t as all consuming as it was in those first months (or even years). I hope you take time to process and do what you need to do to weather through the storm.
My autistic brain tells me that the socially acceptable response from me is to share a personal anecdote related to your pain, because doing so is a way of being more vulnerable, and I have observed that allistic people respond well to other people being vulnerable. So here goes:
Last week, I got a call from my mom, telling me that my father is dead. Details are thin, still. But he and I haven’t spoken in a decade, and haven’t laid eyes on each other since 2009. And I find that I am emotionally ambiguous on the matter. My strongest emotional response is that my lack of emotional response indicates that I am somehow broken. I am of the opinion that I *SHOULD* be crushed by this news, and I’m not.
I was finally diagnosed with autism about 10 years ago, when I was 40. Before that, the only thing I’d seen in the media that was anything like me was the character Dexter, from the eponymous TV show. In the first episode, the character has to attend a funeral, to maintain his cover identity as a human, and since they show includes the protagonist narrating his own life, the audience got to know how confusing the whole thing was, and he was quite worried about pretending either too hard, or not hard enough, to be grieving. I was worried for a couple years that I would snap and become a serial killer, and even had some conversations with my therapist at the time. She assured me that I was not going to suddenly snap. But, it wasn’t until the autism diagnosis that I discovered there were other reasons than just murder for me to be so unfeeling.
I would be fine with an explanation that since we had been estranged for so long, I’ve long since resolved the grief of losing my father. Except that within the last decade, my grandmother and her son have also died, about a year apart. Neither were estranged from me, and yet I felt this same apathy. On the other hand, four of my cats have died during that same period, and I bawled like a baby every time. So clearly, I am capable of experiencing grief as an emotion.
I don’t know where I’m going with thread, its purpose was to open up and be vulnerable, not to reach a particular conclusion. So I guess I’ll conclude it this way: even those with whom I did feel grief, on balance I am better off having known and loved (and BEEN loved by) them, even though there was a period of intense emotional pain at the end. And so, while I sympathize with your pain, I also celebrate that your mother is worth grieving the loss of, and that you got to spend many years enjoying her company. It sounds like she was well loved.
My father died alone, over 1000 miles from anybody who cared about him. My parents have been divorced for well over 20yrs, and my mother was still the most current emergency contact the medical examiner could find. I am glad for you that your mum passed peacefully, surrounded by friends and family. That seems to me to be the only way to win at life.
Oh me too. I didnt cry at any funerals i attended . I cant explain it either . honestly for every death I’ve gone through i had 0 grief. I don’t think we are broken. Everyone says people experience grief differently, and i’d like to think that includes how we react. im also autistic but i only found that out 1 year ago
I’m so sorry for your loss 💜 She sounds like an amazing woman and mom. Grief is a uniquely difficult experience.
I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer, and that took her so fast… The weirdness about the prolonged grief diagnosis, is that I don’t think grief ever really goes away. It just fades into the background. But a scent, a random memory, a moment of despair in life where you would normally turn to that lost loved one but now can’t… all of those can trigger the grief again and it feel as raw as when it just happened. It’s been six years for me. For the most part I have moved on. I even almost forgot her death anniversary for the first time this year (fb reminded me in the evening). And when I was reminded, I didn’t feel any sadness that day. But to say it is gone would still be wrong. I still have occasions where it all comes flooded back. They just happen less and less often as time goes on.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you come to a decision about your future that will bring you all the happiness you deserve x
My deepest condolences (I can't imagine what you're going through)🙏❤
My sincere condolences to you and your family.
I'm sorry for your loss, Elliott. :(
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this. My mom has stage 4 neuro-endocrine cancer. She has months, maybe a couple of years if we're lucky. I can't wrap my head around a new reality without her. I feel like an island, but realistically, this is not a unique experience. We aren't alone.