Gaslighting In A Relationship
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- Have you ever, in a relationship, started to doubt your own mind? Has your spouse made you question your reality?
If so, you may have experienced gaslighting in a relationship. You've probably heard this term used more frequently in the last few years, but what does it truly mean, and where did it originate?
Let's talk about it in today's video and how you can avoid being gaslighted in your relationship.
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Over the last few months, I had gathered up so much evidence to support this insane feeling in my gut regarding my husband’s “friendship.” I would question him when he was open to talk and he seemed to look away a lot. He would downplay everything. Finally, after 4’months of me saying, “I need transparency and I offer you immunity for it, “ I finally got the truth out him. Every single instinct that I had, was the truth. My gut was right 100% of the time! Now, he told lies in hopes of keeping me from being hurt, but the most hurtful part was the gaslighting? The lies, the breakdown of trust, and the fact that I had to find out on my own. The affair is not the dealbreaker, it’s the deceit that damaged me most. The disregard for my safety. That is the part, I’m struggling with.
I hear ya!
Same with my wife
I’ve been at both ends. Time and truth ALWAYS wins.
Amen, it will ALL come out in the wash. That’s what my grandmother who raised me use to tell me. And it is the TRUTH!!
Unbeknownst to me, my husband was having an affair. I suspected something was very wrong and called him out on several incidents. I said he was gaslighting me… In Couple’s counseling the therapist defended my husband and made me look like a fool. Many months later I discovered his 1 1/2 yr long affair. Needless to say, we are no longer with that therapist!!
My husband would assure me that I was "triggered" and all in my head about him still communicating with his affair partner. He adamantly lied about meeting her when he went out of town and how I was impeding progress by not trusting him. Only after I presented to him solid proof did he admit what he had done. Over the past months, he would change stories and make up stuff just like this video. I thought I was overthinking everything. Turns out my intuition was spot on.
Did u stay? Im in a similar boat
@@soup394 Only because he begged me to go to one of those intensive marriage weekends so he could get help. It was great and we were doing so good. Out of the blue, he just up and went to see the AP which turned into him getting drawn back in. Kicked him out last week so not sure what is going to happen.
I keep hearing " I don't have to prove anything " ..it just sucks
Oh yes I hear that classic line constantly.
Every time I hear my husband of 19 & 1/2 years say those words, "You have no proof!" to me, I know that I really just heard in admission 💔😥. There is absolutely no other time to say those words then when you are guilty of exactly what you're being accused of.
I like your approach to this topic. Since you asked for comments from people who have been the victim and the perpetrator of gaslighting, I wanted to share my experience. I met the man I'm married to when I was 16, and we've been married 32 years. Although we have stayed married, we have struggled in most aspects of the relationship. I could see his mistakes, but I had a hard time seeing mine. Recently, I stumbled on a book by Beverly Engel called How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. As hard as it was to admit, I had emotionally abused my husband. This is the first time I've said this to anyone other than my husband. As we have been waking up to this sobering reality, we each see we have used this tactic. I wanted to add my voice to Dr. Beam's and admit that yes, I have done this even though I didn't know what it was or understand it until recently. This awareness is helping me "see" so much.
So helpful because I feel like I'm going crazy.
What really hurts is when I have indeed told the truth. And people have judged me as the liar and gaslighter. It seems as if truth means nothing anymore. Perhaps just saying this makes me look like the gaslighter.
I feel similar, I have lied about things which has destroyed my credibility with my spouse. But now everything I say is suspect & she is justified in every accusation that she makes about me, some of which are downright ridiculous.
I'm sorry that people mistreated you after you came out clean. Telling the truth after wrong doing requires courage, don't even stop telling the truth, and that will strengthen you to become more honest to yourself and to everyone else.
My wife and I are separated. I lied about things from my past (before we met). She says because I lied about my past (she said she asked for “total honesty” when we first met, I don’t really remember) That I controlled the narrative & based our relationship on a foundation of lies. That because I wasn’t totally honest from the beginning, I have gaslighted her for years & she can never forgive the dishonesty. While I don’t want to say that she’s wrong, I did that for years, it just made things worse. She would accuse me of things I never did & I would therefore constantly deny. While I didn’t intend to gaslight her, that was the end result. She in turn would demand that I was lying about things I wasn’t & made me feel like my memory was faulty. I’m trying not to defend my many mistakes in our marriage & I am taking ownership of them. However, I believe the end result was that we ended up gaslighting each other. Not sure where to go from here. I’m miserable, the kids are miserable, she’s “relieved”. I don’t want to keep blaming her for her transgressions in our marriage (it doesn’t fix things) I just don’t know what to now. I keep telling myself that “I am where I am today because of the choices that I made”.
There are ways to move forwards into unconditional love for one another instead. Paul Friedman’s books are very helpful, eg “Breaking the Cycle”.
It sounds like you are owning up to what you did - it takes a long time to fix broken trust -- if you lied for 10 years, consider she should have 10 years to be angry about it -- it shouldn't take that long, but trust CAN be rebuilt with time, reliability, consistency, openness.. But you can't force her if she's not willing, you can only work on yourself.
I went through this from my spouse. She gaslight me about being controlling which I’m not she stated that I don’t let her have self time alone. She said I always wants to do stuff as a family we have two small children. We both work stressful jobs. She comes and goes I never question where’s she going. I just asked her to keep her phone on for emergency.
Thank you. I understand my predicament much better.
HECK YES I’VE BEEN THERE SOOO MANY TIMES. “You did threaten me” “No I didn’t!” 😒
I gaslighted my wife several times to get away with my emotional affair. Now as I am wanting to reconcile I feel like she is gaslighting me.
I’m curious to hear further what you mean by your wife doing the gaslighting now.
@@dwnbrkr we separated in March physically. I didn't want to separate but wanted to try and work it out. She said she didn't know how she felt and that we needed time apart and this was the only way. That isn't true there were other options. She wanted to still go on dates and be intimate physically and emotionally but the only reason was because she was lonely. All this time she was putting all of her other relationships above our marriage. She was telling me that I was a priority. Gradually she has pulled back and restricting contact even though she says she is not. What she is saying is not matching the actions that are happening. She accused me of being emotionally erratic even though my therapist said I wasn't. She used that to justify why she needed to limit contact. It is a lot of little things.
I think you still have a long way to go to understand the impact of what you've done. Betrayal trauma isn't normal, and if you expect things to be "fair" after you lied and betrayed in your marriage just because you're 'ready to reconcile' and your therapist says you're not emotionally erratic (we all know therapists can be fooled by you guys, and the wrong therapist can do more damage than good)... you've really got a long way to go. I suggest you start with Michelle Mays' book The Betrayal Bind.
i was being gaslighted. when i finally had enough and was giving it back and telling him exactly ehat he was doing he tried to deflect it. faining hurt when he was the one inflicting pain. controlling. literally said he wanted to dominate me and wants me to be a sub. big red flags. im done with it now and i used psychology on him like he tried to do on me. drove him nuts cause i took power away from him.
I normally agree with what you say. But "gaslight" a situation is causing an argument for a personal gain or To use the argument to rationalize Devient behavior. The term though 👌 time keeps evolving in to something different from the original term.
Half right,
Gaslighting = Manipulating someone physiologically, questioning their own sanity.
He’s actually pretty spot on. 🙂
My husband get physically violent towards me not too much to hurt me but push me or kick me with his elbow.
Recently I tried to talk to him about it because we are pregnant and I want us to be in a happy place.
He said to me it’s okay to hit sometimes u are making deal of it.
I was very offended than and reacted than he told me I don’t understand his jokes that’s why he is living miserable life.
I want to save my marriage but sometimes I question my sanity.
How on earth do you bring correction to someone whose thinking is off base if they look at everything you say as being gaslighting? So the crafty liar spends time manipulating and using control to convince others they are OK and you stand accused of their deceptions absolutely know they are not because you have been the victim of their devious hidden deeds. How do you get truth and reality to them when they are convinced they are right and they are not??? The deceived always think they are right no matter how many people tell them and show them they are wrong. You can have all the proof from several people but they will always make an excuse and continue accusing you of being a gas-lighter. How do you approach these people who place themselves in danger and are destroying relationships with un-forgiveness, hardness of heart and who are being self-deceived because pridefully they do not want to admit wrong doing and poor behaviors?
I didn't realize my addiction was making me gaslight my wife, because i needed to protect the addiction.
What happened?
Dude if you are at the point where you have to keep notes about interactions with your spouse, your marriage is dead.