Journey of the scapegoat survivor of narcissistic abuse
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- čas přidán 21. 07. 2022
- Today, let's take a closer look into the journey of a scapegoat survivor by examining the complexities of shedding the burdens of the narcissist's self-hatred, reclaiming one's identity, and rediscovering inner sanctuaries long forsaken.
If you want to dive deeper into these topics, check out my course, “A Map to Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse”, which covers the 3 pillars of recovery that this video is based on.
Click HERE 👉 lp.jreidtherapy.com/narcissis...
You can also start your journey by understanding that none of the abuse was your fault and dismantling your false beliefs, using my ebook, "Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat".
Grab your FREE copy HERE 👉 lp.jreidtherapy.com/optin?utm...
If you’re not 100% sure if you went through narcissistic abuse, take my Narcissistic Emotional Abuse Quiz today and find out
👉 lp.jreidtherapy.com/narcissis...
I also want to say that I think scapegoats deserve a lot of credit for being able to survive all the pain that an adult connot/doesn't want to handle, all while being just a child and without support!
Amen. We did it!!
Yes! Great reminder, thank you!
This.
Yes!!!
And God was with us the whole time. Narcs are demons and empaths are the light.
The irony is that despite all of the abuse, we walk away as the strongest and healthiest because we are NOT self-hating abusers like they. The resilience of a scapegoat is a wonder to behold.
Yes
But we are alone
(From the family)
That's ok. The ice cold response I got when I said a particular thing was hurting my feelings told me everything I need to know about how they feel about me. Better off alone...
Maybe physically healthy, but the mind is crushed and distorted (until healing)😞
In Christ. I absolutely agree with you. As the eldest etc. etc. I am humbled and in awe, of this little boy, now 60 year old Man. The incredible, resilient, loving, innocent, and pure hearted, (not perfect), but purehearted and so trusting still. I type this with TEARs pouring down my face. In Awe.....of what still must lie ahed....there must be an AWESOME reason....:)
I disagree. I went psychotic and have 2 incurable mental disorders now. Just trying to end it now my life is destroyed.
My older brother was the family scapegoat. Until he ran away. Then I became the goat. In retrospect, he was the healthiest person in the house
hahaha its crazy isnt it. The one that can see things are not right and speaks up is the sick one. Do not under any circumstances point out the obvious! thats crazy! our family has been disfunctional for many generations and thats how we are going to keep it! hahaha
My older brother was also the scapegoat. He walked away and was trashed to everyone by the narcissist. No-one was encouraged to talk to the scapegoat after he left.... the smear campaign was scorched earth. Fast forward 15 years and we reconnected and I have walked away from the family unit. Lessons learned: 1) toxic family does not change 2) a new scapegoat will be made when scapegoat #1 walks away 3) it is nearly impossible for the scapegoat to reengage the family after a smear campaign, unless someone sees the situation 'clearly' and can identify the toxicity.
@@HighMTN90 That brother and I each consider ourselves our only family
I pray my younger siblings someday share your wisdom!
And the family always revolves around the most "unhealthy" member.
I finally realized that I would always be the toxic families scapegoat. The only way to heal was to leave the toxic environment. My only option was to go no contact. Abuser don't change!
you did the right thing. life is short, be happy.
What were your results after breaking contact with your family? Any information will be greatly appreciated.
@@tnt01 Life is short, be aggressive and jovial.
@@HighSpeedNoDrag I am doing so much better mentally and physically. I am giving myself time to heal after decades of abuse. Give yourself time to heal. You deserve it.
Totally
The scapegoated child grows up with an orphaned spirit running between fight, flight, freeze and fawn trauma responses. Only to find out that nothing worked until they learn to release the toxic burden of the narcissist.
Orphaned spirit.....exactly
Amen. Perfectly stated.
Scapegoat anonymous over here. Been thriving since the disconnection. STAND UP people, you can make it 💪🏾
Entering a room and you feel the backstabbing vibe. This happened all the time. Its a horrible feeling. This dynamic never stops. Also remarkably when you are happy, they have to shut you down. Why are you happy when old nasty vindictive mother hates you being around. It is a lifetime sentence.
No, it’s not a lifetime sentence. They are sentencing you on a bogus charge and hopefully you’ll see this fact and leave them all behind. It’s the ONLY way to heal. You’ll never heal in the environment that constantly poisons you. I left all my sisters behind because the dominant one is a psychopathic narcissist and no one there is healthy now can they ever be.
I had my first child at age 23. My narc mother came to the hospital the next day. In the reception area I fainted, and the nurses took me back to my room and tucked me into bed. After the nurses left, my mother came into the room and physically attacked me. I screamed, nurses came running, and threw my parents out of the hospital no questions asked. That was when I thought that I had had enough. Twenty three years is enough. I went no contact. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I thought that people with narcissist as parents have children in their 50’s. Probably only if they graduate college late.
And then one day you realize that healing means to get rid of narcissistics from your life not to make them love you. And this is sad, especially if the narcissistics are your close family or friends.
Whenever I was setting boundaries a narcissist terminated the relationship, so I thought that I was doing something wrong. Then I realised that this is exactly what I should expect from a narcissist. I was naive thinking that me, being healthy, make them somehow respect me, like me, love me.
Healing means termination of bad relationships, not changing bad into good.
Wow, thank you for that insight. Healing means leaving the bad relationship not trying to change the bad relationship into something good. This is the real truth!
I can relate so much to this. I thought someday things would be better the more that I healed and instead things got worse. I understand more how dysfunctional family systems work and my hope now is that as I can continue to heal I can show up in a strong healthy way and stand up for myself, essentially rejecting their scapegoating label in a definitive way. I can’t change them but I can change how I respond to their abusive and neglectful behavior. It was never my lack that caused it but was instead their unwillingness to heal. The siblings want to repeat the behaviors of the Narc parent because it’s convenient to never have to do the real work of healing.
Yes. I was already the scapegoat and pushed to the fringes. I was ostracized but still criticized when I physically moved away. When I pushed back on the scapegoating abuse the entire family went no contact with me. They were always VERY GOOD at the silent treatment and now they have enacted it permanently. I have found whenever I stand up to a narcissist they permanently sever the relationship. Never any hoovering. I am as dead to them. Now I just need to find some 'normal' people...or maybe just spend the rest of my life by myself.
@@l.5832 I moved away from a family that treated me like garbage all my life. My mother would go years without talking to me when I would confront her with her lies and mistreatment. My older sisters are the same way. My oldest sister beat me physically my whole childhood yet my parents would continually leave me alone with her. They didn’t care as long as they got to go out Saturday nights. Always blamed for everything. Moved to another county. Never hear from any of them. I have found healthy decent people that I work with. After 2 narc ex husbands I’ve finally stopped the pattern of being beat down and stomped on. Hang in there.
@1RPJacob TRUTH!
I was the scapegoat, almost took my life. Looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, my dad taught me through his abuse a facet of humanity I didn't want to face, that people can be so cruel, to love myself regardless, to not be afraid to stand in my own light, to always trust my inner wisdom. In a way thank you dad, even if I cut you out of my life I wish you love and healing, nobody in their right mind would make another individual suffer to feel better about themselves.
Hi, I also considered suicide, from my narc family. I do hear you & understand. Sending you a hug. You are brave & strong.
Right on. This gives me hope as I too have been suicidal dealing with my mothers abuse all these years not realizing it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with her. I blamed myself for years god bless you we are the true warriors of the real world
Yes we are warriors and we need suitable training and comradeship 😊
I left at 19 and never looked back. My parents were in shock. I blossomed away from them.
I hope you have peace in all your days. Hope you find a lot of friends who nurture you.
It's disturbing and heartening to know how widespread this problem is.
And yet nobody believes it happens... It's nuts.
@@SexyAssSallyTHIS. I am completely confounded as to how there are so many of us -- and yet each one of us has a story about how people outside the family look at you like you're CRAZY if you ask them for support or help !! How are we supposed to be able to escape if everyone you reach out to believes the narcissists version of events instead??
So true it’s a shame.
Very much ☠️ .
I didn't realize just how often I call myself "names" when I make a simple mistake or drop something ,etc. Names like "stupid, asshole ,idiot, jerk, loser" . I would NEVER say these things to someone else and certainly not to someone I love. So there it is. I'm learning to love myself after all these years.This was one of your best videos, Jay.
You go girl !!!!!!!
We were abused since toddler age, we don't necessarily ask ourselves whether we deserved it or not. But we face the realisation that it did happen to us regardless of who is to blame.
Sometimes scapegoated children get discarded. Meaning we don't even get the hate anymore.
Thank you for validating us Dr Reid.
I'll always own my own mistakes. But I'll never own anyone else's ever again.
From black sheep to black stallion!
From scape goat to King stag!
😲
@@Lizpennington From scapegoat to 🦁
Yes! No one will ever get away with projecting their self-hate onto me again. No contact and finally free!
Yes! No one will ever get away with projecting their self-hate onto me again. No contact and finally free!
"The scapegoat had to take what was happening on the outside and make it into what was happening in the inside of themselves". Wow, that explains where the self-blame, harsh inner critic, and self-hate come from. We are not born with that, so this explains where we get it. To understand all this, finally, is powerful. Thank you.
“One mistake away from complete ruin”. I still struggle with this intermittently. This is a learned and conditioned reaction because my mom would treat any mistake I made, big or small, like it was the end of the world. The manufactured mistakes were the worst because she declared I did something wrong and there was nothing I could do to “clear my name”.
As a child I absorbed a lot of my borderline mom’s fears and burdens. I did my best to alleviate her burdens. I had no idea my natural instinct to question bad behavior or injustice during childhood primed me to become the scapegoat as a preteen.
My siblings were afraid of my mom. My older sister became the golden child during high school, becoming a double agent by joining my mom in triangulation. She became a golden child after the my little brother, the golden child, did the ‘unthinkable’ and was embarrassed of my mom. This happened when my mom made an unannounced visit to his elementary school. Later that day we got an earful at home as mom recounted what she experienced at the elementary school. Despite my brother being the youngest child and spoiled by my mom he became visibly being embarrassed of her when she visited him at school. She would not forgive him for being embarrassed of her. We heard the story on repeat even as adults.
The external blame referenced in this video only stops by going no contact. Once you purge this regular poison delivered by family abusers and family enablers is when the internal blame has a chance to be removed and replaced with healthy habits, boundaries and the self confidence that was robbed from us.
Nothing you could do to "clear your name" resonates completely!
Indeed. I’m sorry you experienced the same unjust treatment. It’s difficult to describe unless you live it.
The comment of one mistake from complete ruin resonated with me too. I have always felt that I would loose my job or something bad and could never enjoy the moment out of fear. I now know where that comes from. I have lived my whole life and made so many decisions on that premise. And it’s not really who I am. I am working on healing and just being. The song alright by Pearl Jam has really resonated as well.
And the worst part about it all is my mom used my “anxiety” against me and told me I was always stressed to make me question myself when it was really my family of origin causing it. I am not perfect and certainly have my own issues but some were not me.
I think my version was every mistake put you more and more in the bad books and there was no getting out of where you were in those books.
Wow Jay...every time I listen to a new video you so generously offer, another door opens. The gaslighting & scapegoating was horrible. My mother was a vicious tyrant who controlled the whole family, including her parents. I was such a sensitive person. She hated my sensitivity & creativity. Thanks to you Jay, my behavior/choices I made was not really ME! It was all a survival mechanism to get away from her. It has taken me a lifetime to figure this all out ( I am 67 now) And my healing really started to progress after she died.
I was so relieved when she died. But the damage she caused made reconnecting to family member impossible. That's OK. I am very grateful for therapists like you Jay that helped me recover MYSELF! Thank you!! 🙂
White Horse: I am in a similar situation in that it took so long to realize what happened to me. It is hard to realize this so late in life. Our situations are not exactly the same, but thanks for sharing. Sometimes I feel so very alone. Seems most people figure this out much earlier.
🌹🖤🦋
I'm about to turn 65... I am startled by how many of us are out there. Like you, I felt a deep sense of relief when she died... Until... I started to try to connect with my siblings. My sense is not so much the damage she caused, but the toxic family system she created.
I have compassion for my siblings... It wasn't easy for them either, but alas, they have have only blame for me. That relief was short lived.
My enabler dad passed, was sad, narc mother lives on is as healthy and confident as a mallee bull
White Horse. I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s still taboo the cruel awful mother. Jay is doing a huge service here. He is so insightful, professional and genuinely eloquent. I am helped so much. It’s all very sad….
You are right. I was the scapegoat of my narcissistic family. I am educated now. I am 72 years old. I repeated being with narcissists until now. I have realized now I deserve love. It is a process. I am a survivor now. It took 72 years. At lest I know now..... I love myself and deserve love. You can do too. It was artificial. I am away from the toxic person. I discarded the person almost a year now. It does feel good, however, I would have liked to learn at an earlier age. Thank you. I don't see my family anymore. I now have boundaries and say the word NO. I have my red flag on. I deserve happiness and love. I am glad I found you. It is very clear why I picked toxic people and had no boundaries. It isn't true.
I knew the moment that I was done. I said goodbye to my sister's dogs and left her house. That was 19 years ago and I haven't gone back. Both parents (overt) and both sisters (covert) are narcissists. Looking back, I remember thinking I wasn't human or worthy of breathing, literally, and thought that death was the only way out of their abuse for many years. After only 4 months of therapy (someone treating me with kindness and respect), I knew I was done,
What kind of therapy ?
Yes, I miss the dog.
There are towns here in the Midwest that are full of narcissists, and people breed & learn this sick mind frame from a young age. I know what narcissism is, because it’s so prevalent where I grew up. Where Jm from, you don’t just get lucky enough to have your boyfriend to destroy you, but you are extra lucky because your dad is also a narcissists & your boyfriend is just like him(and so is the rest of your family) Then, you marry someone who has a narcissistic mother who is exactly like your father (and so is his sister)
You gotta be TOUGH to live in these times people, these people would live for you to off yourself….they sadistically encourage it. Our only option was to move away, far away & cut all contact. I didn’t even add their flying monkeys into the equation. Don’t think for INE SECOND these flying roaches don’t know it’s wrong, they DO!
Yes and in my area the same but they seem to blame conspiracy ideas or the left or right it’s not in knowledge
Wow I'm from new York city area which is known to have the most arrogant people ever lol I always thought Midwest people were nice
True and then when you tell them how bad they affected you and how they made you feel they try to act like they did nothing at all. And what’s crazy is if you did to them what they do to you they couldn’t handle. And they will try to act like your weak but actually they are cause the second there found out they want to unalive themselves
They know exactly what they are doing ... ☠️ Monsters.
Yes they do know. And they like it. They practice to get better at it, just like marksmanship.
Recovering from the scapegoat position is a journey of great sadness but at the beginning of healing process, there is no greater joy and peace.
this is exactly how I feel. I am realizing and admitting that I was wronged and didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. I'm in those rocky headlands pushing 40 years old making barely enough to scrap by.
I was raised in a household of not 1 but 4 narc parental figures. I could never wrap my head around why my 2 actual parents (malignant & covert narcs) would blame me for everything including my malignant father’s cheating. (When he cheated 16 i was punished by revoking the promise of my first car & it was given to him instead. When he cheated at 19 they stopped paying for college & forced me to dropped out) Learning about scapegoats makes so much sense.
Questioning anything a narcissist does is a slippery slope. I’m totally down with it, but once you see the light (enlightenment) y’all can’t likely come back. I am the scapegoat - and I’m okay with it because the narcs and enablers are more likely to reveal their true colors. You know who your friends are.
I was scapegoated in my original family and then married into a family that also scapegoates me I basically have isolated myself from the world and trust no one
This was me. I’ve cut my abusive Narcissist mother out of my life for good. It’s the only way to find peace.
TOPIC FOR DISCUSSION: No emotions. My mother was a covert narcissist. Sneaky malignant when the once or twice a year urge hit her during my childhood. Way more in my twenties. She was jealous of me. I am 65 now, never married, afraid to HV children or mess up some poor guys life ( my mother convinced me I was the one w the mental problems, not her). I was totally ignored, never spoken too. I have no emotions that I feel. I have to look up the meaning of emotions. Most recently trust. To rely on somebody it said?? What does that mean. I went underground and totally numb, not even THINKING about if this or that she did was right or wrong. I can't remember most of my life until my breakthrough a few years ago and even then my feelings seem unimportant. Not that I can accurately pinpoint what I'm feeling a lot of times. How does one"get" feelings and what do I do with them if I get one, except sadness and being lost w no direction? 65 yo, no kids, no husband not even many boyfriends in my teens, twenties. I felt the same about them no matter how long we dated. Nothing ever grew/ grows in regards to feelings about another human. My life is good enough I guess and I like my life, I go out everyday yet if I lose control for a moment I feel and sad. I go out on weekends w my meetup group, but have no emotions and can't seem to learn them. My only feelings are sadness and being lost on my daily journey. Loving myself is an odd concept, why would I love myself? Thanks in advance if you do a talk on this. 😁👍P.S. I've had the breakthrough that my mother was a narcissist only 2.5 years ago. I've been watching videos for the past year or so and feel I have a good grip on what happened in the family I grew up in and my mother's mental problems and narcissism. 👍 Love your videos.
I feel the way you do. I'm 17, I have both narc parents. I realized they were narcs a little after my 17th birthday. It all made sense because I feel like my emotions are not my own. I feel lonely sometimes. I read the bible to feel better. I'm hoping to leave soon and get therapy. I'm the black sheep and the scapegoat in my family. It's sad, but I work hard to maintain. I hope everything is going well for you nowadays.
@@veronicajata3121 Hi there Veronica. Nice reply. I'm doing pretty well actually, thanks. I'm v happy you found out about your parents while you're still so young! You won't waste years wondering if it's you or them. I also read the Bible and pray for strength and clarity on my situation. I don't think I would of made it through in one piece wo the ppl at my church. (Jehovah's Witnesses). They were loving and supportive of me like having other parents at church. I wish narcs would deal with their own history of abuse instead of taking out their anger on innocent ppl they are supposed to love.
@@jerirasulo9543@veronicajata3121 Hi ladies, I am also the scapegoat in my family, my dad blames everything on me including when his car got stolen, yep that was my fault too, even though they found the guy who did Grand Theft Auto and he's now behind bars. My age is in between the two of you, I'm 37, and I just told my dad off the other day and did not celebrate Father's Day with him a few days ago. I am just done with communicating with him anymore. My mother is his enabler, so she isn't great to speak with either. I feel for you Veronica, having to be so young and still at your family's mercy trying to heal. I feel for you too Jerira, your family didn't even teach you emotions, and that is the first thing you should learn as a child is what emotion is this, and how to express it in a healthy way. I was taught emotions but not the healthy way to resolve them, or to shove them down until they turned into a big mess. And then constantly everything was my fault, I was the liar, the manipulator, the bad guy, when they were projecting their crap onto me the entire time! Needless to say I am in need of therapy and going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. I hope you guys find solace in the Bible, I do find solace in the words of Jesus Christ in the New Testament. Much love and light to the both of you. I know our journey is rough but at least we are aware of who we are and how we were narcissistically abused, instead of being in that weird uncomfortable cloud of not knowing. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Jerirasuolo ! Please just treat yourself as IF you loved that person . Get a baby photo, put on fridge , Love THAT little person . I bet you were cute ..LOL. If you love someone, use that blueprint. It takes practice. But it is very very cool when you get the hang of it . Stay out of the hole ! ! !
Go outside for 5. 10. 15 min. Whatever you can do . Don’t go in the hole ! Shine on 💥
@@veronicajata3121 Psalm Chapters 35 and 37 🦋King David was also the family scapegoat.
Self-love is the cure and protection from Narcs.
I am 52 years old, and I’ve never felt so understood in my life listening to this!💕
Every choice in my life was negatively impacted or affected by the way my mother used me as a scapegoat out of the 4 children.
She still tries to triangulate me. I have recently ghosted her. My only regret is it took me this long to do it.
My mother, my older sister. My oldest daughter and now my granddaughter. I moved 3000 miles away and I will never go back. New life. I don't question anything anymore. I'm safe where I am and I have supportive people in my life.
Thank you Dr Reid, your channel is such a help to myself. This in particular has struck a cord as I find myself stuck in this in between. I’ve become a recluse as I try to unpick and mend myself back together. It’s not enough that you lose your childhood to this poison but then you have to spend so many years trying to put yourself back together. A work in progress, yourself and Patrick Teahan are my rock. Thanks for all the good you do.
Hey ! Don’t go in the hole . Go outside 5 min. Drive somewhere. Take yourself to a lavender field .
Practice how you’d treat someone you loved TO YOURSELF. Don’t go in the hole ! Your a survivor, that’s not a small feat . Prayers up 💥
💖 Patrick Teahan
You are beautiful! And always have been. ❤ Those people were unable to love. It was not your fault - the blame lies squarely on their shoulders.
So glad you're here talking to us now! You are really appreciated. ❤
Take care!
I would buy a large food hamper at Christmas to get some acknowledgement, never got any response, finally stopped trying, after being ignored you want some love , but there unable to show or give any love
I was blessed that even as a very little girl, I knew they were wrong and I was ok and God loved me. It didn't stop the ongoing and still till today, manipulation, treating me as less than etc. It's a heavy burden. I detached years ago and found love and life but now being sucked back in to help with elderly mother's appointment which includes constant calling and sucking my energy for bad. It's pure evil
My family has cut me off from everyone. They have smeared my reputation. I have no one safe; no one who believes me. Any interaction at all leads to an attack. My question is, what does one do when they have NO safe people at all?
Leave the area, move to another state and start rebuilding your own sane loving world. Best thing is to get out. No one, will ever believe you 100% , human nature to trot the ole "two to tango" bs. Or the ole, "gee, they are nice to me" . Listen, You'll never be able to convince ppl who have an agenda about NOT believeing you. So leave, rather then spend your life banging on the door of their compassion while you wait outside in the snow for them to notice you and have compassion for you. They will not, not ever. So. Accept you're an orphan and stick a pin in the map and go forth on your own adventure. Make something of yourself. A separate life. When you think of them, simply Imagine thatn you went home with the wrong family from the hospital. That's now been discovered and corrected. Your "family" feel they owe you nothing and want their lives to go on without you because you truly aren't their family. As for yourself, consider yourself a plucky orphan who isn't related to those $hitballs. :) Go forth and Prosper.
It is possible to develop good relationships with strangers at first but it takes time. In the meantime, be your own true friend. You can make it, move far away.❤️
Great video packed with truth. I went no contact 15 years ago when it became obvious the entire family regarded me as the scapegoat who could and should be lectured to, corrected, criticized, condemned, chastised, etc. One sister outright sought to humiliate me and her husband deliberately, obviously snubbed me at family events. Another sibling felt free to be abusive, to scream, yell, and accuse. Then they all wondered why I quit coming to family events. I have never once missed them and I learned that anybody who hasn't been swayed by my family's bizarre version of who they think I am, actually really likes me and even respects and admires me.
Jay, could you explore with us how to deal with the inner child sense of rage and needing vindication when we are trying to heal? That there really isn't any sense of justice or closure, except to say we made it out.... it's a stuck place for me.
WOW!!..I could've written this!
Learning about (CEN)... Childhood Emotional Neglect helped me tremendously!
It's definitely not your fault!
Stay strong and safe! 🙏
@@southernbawselady7092 Thank you! 💛
I was there about 6 months ago. I will share the perspective that has really helped me was to know that God is going to vindicate me. Scapegoats are really the chosen and anointed ones by God sent to change the world by carrying our inner light and using it to help others heal from their wounds and fighting against the darkness. We are spiritual warriors sent to be the light in the darkness. If you are a scapegoat it means your purpose is great that's why you face so much adversity because people are envious of the light you carry they want to snuff your light out. But God will give you the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the truth, how to learn from the enemy to defeat them, and the right steps to take to not just escape but to succeed and he will lift you up and place you in the purpose he made you for and exalt you. Exaltation is vindication. He will serve a feast at your table in the presence of your enemies and they will have to swallow their pride. To a narcissist there is no punishment more painful than this as it will completely destroy their ego and false image and God will get all the glory. These are God's promises to his people. I hope this was helpful for you because after 25 years of therapy learning about Narcissistic abuse through this lens has been the only thing I found that actually helped me. I wish you well on your healing journey.
@@elyse2440 I love this. It's easy to get lost in our intellect. Faith is powerful. I appreciate your comment so very much.! 💛
Totally relate. One thing that has helped me has been to really throw myself into my passions (i.e. writing, working on my business, etc.). In a way, I'm redirecting the intense energy elsewhere. As for the rest of it (justice, which is also very important to me), I am comforted when I read Psalms and I read about how the evildoers will fall in their own traps. Suffice it to say... by doing what they're doing, they're creating their own punishments!
Jay, I can't thank you enough for the work you do. Your videos have really opened my eyes and changed my life. I've been in therapy for most of my life looking for answers that never came and then I found your channel and the puzzle pieces came together and I could finally understand. Your channel has been a God Send for me in such a critical time of need. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. May God pour out his never ending favor and blessings over your life for the help, love, and compassion you have given to us scapegoats and all those affected by narcissistic abuse.
Elyse. I’ve had a very similar experience- wishing you well.
For me healing began when I went no contact. I suffered from self anxiety and social anxiety. Saw myself as my family of origin saw me not anymore. Please walk away.....it will feel wrong at first and a lot of pain will surface but as the years go by 😊
Spot on. Exactly describes my journey and discoveries. I even used the word "defective" for myself for many years before realizing how wrong that was. It makes me sad for myself as a child. What a miserable way to grow up. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
I find because I'm a truth teller people ostracise me or scapegoat me. I'm still struggling to find friends that are healthy and non addicted and communities that are accountable safe and not misogynistic
Video idea! One thing that has really helped me is learning to change how I identify. Ask myself who I want to be and then practice identifying myself with those things. When feeling of anxiety come on, tell myself I am strong and can handle it. I am in control of my mind, not the other way around.
Genius presentation. Thank you for explaining things so well. My instincts were correct, I moved away from my family some 30--years ago to forge a life for myself free from family and old-mode influences. It's odd but now understandable; of course, I am now a different person (actually now the person I was always meant to be pre-scapegoat), and when I deal with my family now, they seem to act and believe I am that same person I was when we all lived together. "Weird" hardly describes the experience.
This!!! It's wild to see. Wild and sad.
Because they will never see you for who you truly are, rather the cardboard cutout with all THEIR sins written on it. That's who they will see you to be always.
I am the 2nd goat and made it this far, going to make it the rest of the way.
And so you shall! Keep up the good work you're doing! 💚
Throughout childhood, I responded by pursuing our narcissist parent's approval, unaware of the fact she (Mom) was the problem. Over the decades, it became obvious Mom had some serious issues with envy, self-image, rage, and oppositional defiance. Her behavior worsened after Dad was killed in a car wreck. Dad was no longer there to absorb the abuse she had pinned on him, and two of us kids became her main punching bags. After nearly three years of her abuse, I walked away and left it up to her to maintain our relationship, which I figured out she had never done since I left home at 18, some 28 years prior. No, it took her five months to figure out I wasn't calling or visiting, then reliably told her friends that I had abandoned her. All she had to do was act like a good mother, but she couldn't. So sad.
Thank you for bringing up the origin story of scapegoats. When I heard it first it showed me why the whole family of origin reviled me and hurt me at any possible time. Everything was my fault. Like so many scapegoats I was a truth teller which furthered my isolation. The geographical distance from FOO plus therapy, didn't relieve the internalized identity. Now as my narc mom is on her 90s and her flying monkeys/narc minors my siblings put her into a nursing home because she interferes with their summer away. I have compassion for her as her role dictates, but still carry the pain she has caused. But the youngest sibling (haven't heard from these siblings in many years ) when I pointed out when she complained about caring for Mom, that she herself destroyed the POA where I as the child who is a Nurse would have any say in caring for Dad (deceased) or Mom. Her response was to say "well I don't Care about you, and once Mom is dead I want , we want nothing to do with you. I only have duty to Mom.". So psychologically it's fascinating to watch 3 siblings recast out the scapegoat 60 years after the first time. The unspoken sin, stain is SO big it cannot be identified. So trying to learn a new internal image, but as you know we attract narcs as wounded goats wherever we go. A safe place, to find me hmmmmm.
My heart goes out to you and identifies with what you said. We are overcomers!🥰
I’m so sorry this has been your experience. I pray you find true support in friends who become your “family”.
Good you survived 💗💗💗🐑💫🏝🙌⭐️🌱
Joy, I am going through the same thing right now! My narc mum died in January after years of dementia. I was mentally & physically abused (we all were) but I was the most due to being a truth teller & scapegoat.
I was also a POA but was blocked for years from having any useful input by my narc brother who is the Goldenchild & always right about everything. All 3 of us are executors of mum’s will, but I haven’t seen it, have no access to her financial records, & after cleaning out her cupboards found IOUs for hundreds of thousands of dollars in ‘loans’ that were never paid back. It’s a nightmare.
I left the place I was raised decades ago & raised my now adult son as a sole parent with little to no contact & virtually no support from my toxic family. As soon as mum needed ft care my brothers expected me to kick my son out of home & move back home to be mum’s ft carer. Then Covid hit & mum was in a nursing home which was locked down for many months. She died in there.
I’ve tried had to reconnect with my brothers but they’ve been avoidant, blocking, nasty & one said the same ‘I don’t like you & once you leave I’m never talking to you again!’. All because I’m here where he’s living in the dilapidated family home cleaning & decluttering as it’s really filthy.
After a month here we still haven’t all sat down to talk about how to deal with the estate (we are all executors). I suggested mediation & the Goldenchild brother asked if I was threatening him & then ripped shreds off me.
I know I should engage legal assistance but it will all get worse. When they attack me I go into a ‘fight or flight’ reaction & can feel stress hormones flood my system. I’ve ended up sobbing & the brother residing here is unmoved & called me a ‘baby’ & ‘victim’. It was like it came straight out of our mothers mouth.
I’ve been devastated by all this, I didn’t realise exactly what I was dealing with until now. The fallout from childhood abuse/trauma, blame for not rushing down to help with mum, narcissism, unbridled use of hundreds of thousands of mum’s money & absolutely no maintenance on her house (it would be spending their inheritance!). There’s no solicitor engaged to do probate application (too much to hide), it’s late being submitted, then there’s the issue of the unpaid debts, putting the house up for sale, distribution of her assets. It’s obvious they have utter contempt for me & just want me to go away but I can’t.
@@MsRedbelly I had to walk away. It had become so toxic. My siblings will receive whatever our Narc parent got and will likely still blame me for whatever they can find wrong. I will pray that things get worked out for you and that you will have peace and strength to deal with everything that is ahead. I’m sorry you’re going through all that. Our siblings have been taught very well how to treat us.
I’m a mother of a narcissistic daughter and I’ve been treated as the scapegoat not only from my own children also from my own siblings.
As the parent you created the child. Your chickens have come home to roost.
I thought I was going crazy but I wasn't. Thank goodness I left years ago
It can't be understated how important validation is for the person who has been gaslit into a false identity. I seem to forget that often.
Best validation comes from yourself.
@@leahweinberger583 sure, but you understand how gaslighting works right?
@Avery Kitsch I do. Exactly. Tucking your validation into someone else's pocket is dangerous especially if they have an agenda. You should only validate yourself. Giving the power of validation away from yourself it's just looking for trouble
@@leahweinberger583 you clearly do not understand how gaslighting works. It has nothing to do with validation... maybe read a book 😂
@@leahweinberger583 your comments are not helpful and are super demeaning... take your shit elsewhere
if you think this is all bunkum, realise this type of abuse is so unseen & insidious. most who end up in hospital or at the end of a needle have suffered in this way. and still struggle every single day.
I don’t have a narcissist who did this to me in my family but have dealt with some bullies at work that seem to need a scapegoat and will target different individuals to blame for their misery. I’ve changed positions but still see them and they continue to bad mouth me to whoever will listen. This dynamic must exist in their own families I suppose, which gives me some compassion for them. I can’t imagine being a child and growing up with that dynamic-it’s diabolical.
I was institutionalised by my narcissistic parents and they did everything in their power to make me seem unstable and psychotic… They blamed the ADHD medication I was on as they helped me be more assertive in setting boundaries and aware of the covert abuse I had been enduring for years. Along with the ridiculous amount of gaslighting taking place. I have now been banned from my ADHD medication for five years due to a “psychotic” episode. I’m trying to fight it but, don’t know how best to explain the situation as they thought I was delusional in all the abuse taking place!
This is a perfect description of the last 15 months for me at age 47.
Welcome to the club mate
me too, age 48
@@Peecup My reality 15 months later is so different than I though it was and would be.
I'm gonna be 44 next month...in exile.
Rock that Les Paul brother.
Thanks @lugh!
What you say about the sinner and Saint Dynamic was just made very Vivid to me. I was discarded 12 years ago by my narcissistic mother and brainwashed enabling father. I recently reconnected with my cousin and we've been having a really great time together. Apparently my family caught wind of this and my sister called my cousin to tell her some horrible stories about me. All from when I was a teenager. Which just makes me laugh. She stated over and over again that she was always the good one. Oh boy! My sister was such a troublemaker and a difficult child. I was the sweet and Cooperative one until we switched roles as teenagers. It's amazing how they can just rewrite the past once you have been placed in this role! Thank you for your words of wisdom and your genuineness. I always love listening to you.
I was somewhere in between option 1 and 2. I knew I was being mistreated from the earliest age, and that everyone in the family was treating me like someone I wasn't, and almost everything said about me was a lie, while I could say nothing without being accused of lying. I just gave up and didn't see that it was possible to exist any other way. Financially controlled, totally isolated, nowhere else in the whole world to go, the only plans I'd had for life utterly crushed under my upbringing, leaving me no direction at all. Somewhat convinced that the treatment I was getting was love, and reasoned that people outside the family would treat me much worse.
Turns out normal people treat each other with basic respect, so living on the streets so far has been an improvement lol
I don't think it counts as improvement from an outside perspective, but my life was utterly destroyed. Family abuse left me infertile, uneducated, and with no dreams or ambitions. There's no future on earth for me, having no capacity for starting a family, and no requirement to live in luxury. I wait for the return of Lord Jesus, and I pray I have the strength to be presentable when he does.
I believe the Lord Jesus will arrive for you but his message of tender love may bring you a renewed love for yourself as well. They were not able to destroy your love of God, Jesus and yourself. You are still as God created you: Pure as newly fallen snow & filled with the right to love and be loved in return.
@@zendochip Oddly enough I'll begin training for Ministry in September
Thank you,it's so validating to me to know that the narcissistic person follow a pattern and that it got nothing to do with me, with who I am,💞💞
As an adoptee and recipient of trauma through narcissistic familial patterns there is one issue that complicates recovery... use of financial abuse in the maintenance of securing and demanding loyalty from the scapegoat. I was a victim of covert incest by my adoptive father and sexual abuse my entire life. At 55, no surprise, I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of gynecological cancer. After dealing with my first round of chemo I erroneously sought the support of the my narcissistic adoptive family and became homeless because they "had no room for me" though they owned an unoccupied 2.5 million dollar home on the Jersey coast, and my adoptive mother resided in a retirement community with an extra bedroom. Now, at age 60, having dealt with both my physical DIS ease and the CPTSD that set the foundation, I am struggling to impart the tremendous knowledge I have attained to others but I am starting from scratch, yet again. My adoptive mother sends enough money to just make it from one day to the next though I am determined to become free of the bread crumbs being sent my way. Our culture is not ready for my BSN, disability advocacy understanding and Masters in Co-occurring Disorders. Seems I continue to be 20 paces ahead of the curve, silenced by those who should care, and manipulated by the old enemies who find their joy in my difficulties. I am at a crossroads.... (I am a REIKI Master) trying to stop energetically blocking my own money flow by the trauma I have incurred since others have used it as a weapon against me. Suggestions?
Agree financially it’s a weapon of the narcissist family… in retrospect I should have taken more
@@umchinagirard1800 power and control. Abusers all do this.
Do you follow Dr. Ramani? She has a group and she also says she deals with that from mainstream therapists a whole lot who keep trying to get her to stop paying attention to the needs of the victims and survivors. US culture generally enables and glorifies narcissists generally. Don't get me started.
I’m not a psychiatrist, but I sense a serious diagnosis here.
Thank you so much for this! I also want to say that your mere presence doing these videos helps, because I understand that this must have happened to you, and you are obviously a kind, intelligent, attractive person. So if it could happen to you, who so obviously are worthwhile and competent, maybe I can convincd myself that I am also that way.❤
Some scapegoated people are good looking it’s such a huge hidden problem and behaviour patterns
And he overcame it and is so much wiser through it, he gives me hope!
This is so evil…Smh. Signed, A Healing Scapegoat 🙏🏿✨🧚🏾♂️✨
I would like to differ on not being able to do it alone, because I did.
So interesting !
I've made regression, and during one session i've said i was guilty of my brother's death - and i had that feeling since childwood.
I understood at that point my sence of guilty as a scapegoat, because i could never be responsible for his death - he died age 7, from a long ilness. I was 4 when he died.
Is how far a sence of guilty can go in a scapegoat 😌
Wow. This is incredible. Thank you. This speaks to my life situation.
finding work after years of abuse or resources to get work after years of abuse
Here is a final tidbit. You live in Northern California, my great-great-grandmother washed clothes in front of her tent at Kearney and Vallejo streets on Telegraph Hill 1848-1850. I have several photographs of her tent at that location. My great-great-grandtaher was part of the Bear Flag Revolt 1846-1848, and took Jacob Leese and Mariano Vallejo prisoners in Monterey. And as a kid I are up nest to La Rinconada Golf Course in Los Gatos, but my father was going to make me into a janitor, just like all the other fathers in the neighborhood. Jay, Sadism is really ugly when it's practiced on one's own children, but I am willing to bet you have seen it all. I want you to take this with you Jay, there is no one on my journey who has helped me understand my family than you. You have no idea how much that has meant to me Jay. Personally, I have to thank those who have helped me so much, or I lose the best, most perdue parts of myself.
Great video. Very thoughtful and right on. I would like to see more videos on scapegoat survivors in scenarios where the narcissistic family mob is led by a dark triad personality type. A scenario where the scapegoat faces the real threat of physical violence or worse if speaking their truth, breaking silence about certain things, and taking a stand by living their best life on their own terms.
Since I've set new boundaries and created meaningful distance from my narcissistic mother, I've been hearing that it's "all my dad's fault". That hurts. He didn't do anything wrong. She thinks he has committed an unspeakable offense by not shutting me down or trying to gaslight me with her. He's simply listening to my experience and not judging me. This is unforgivable to her.
It’s like you just explained the last 40 years of my life. Recently been trying to understand why & how my behavior has affected my personal relationships. This process has led me to trying to understand my relationship with “my narcissist”. I now see the patterns and it’s upsetting my life.
Guess I’m officially not crazy.
This guy is lovely.
WOW. Yes. We grew up IN HELL seriously
mental and psychological TORMENT which
we felt physical too and all our life STILL DO!
And the narcs will die and be IN HELL for all eternity.
sO will we@@reesedaniel5835
unless we REPENT honey. 💖
❤ such good work
I stood firm in my interpretation of events. I held firm in a gaslit swamp and I have been ostracised by my family of origin. It's not what I would have wished, but I can't go back for more. What's next, indeed. Life without a family. It hasn't made life any harder, but I still can't give up on them having an epiphany. I'll be ok when they don't though
Yes! I too am learning to stand firm in the reality of what I experienced as the scapegoat of my family. My hope is my siblings will someday be willing to acknowledge the abuse we all suffered but I’m not waiting for them anymore so I can finally be happy. They may choose to continue the cycle of scapegoating, gaslighting and neglectful abuse. I can choose now to move forward in peace knowing that I have worked hard to look at my side, my contribution. By continuing to be over compassionate to them and under compassionate to myself I allowed this scapegoating to continue well into my fifties. The Narc Parent has passed now. Im free with or without the siblings approval and love!
WOW! As always you are telling my childhood story, it took 55 years, but SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS IT! tHANK YOU SO MUCH!
Good luck everyone, from the bottom of my heart!
The part I struggle with is how I should move towards feelings I don't really understand e.g. confidence and calmness? The examples I have internalized of these are the false ones, where confidence is really arrogance, and calmness is really just freezing.
Look at all of us, it’s clear we have one another and in fact we are not alone. ❤
Thank you. I find myself in the painful and familiar place of being the scapegoat in my now split up marriage and family. My 16 yo daughter has severed all ties with me and has blamed me for every problem in her life and in our now broken family. I would love to see more content addressing being scapegoated by your kids, who of course learned this from their father. Thanks.
The same thing happened to me. I was literally scapegoated by the kids I gave birth to and I can't wrap my head Around. Since I'm not around I look like the mom that doesn't care when in reality my own child ran me off now she sits around in victim mode getting sympathy from my extended friends and relatives. It is almost unbearable and unbelievable.
The unfortunate truth for me is that I repeatedly found myself in relationships, either intimate, work, etc (and I am talking for DECADES) where I unconsciously recreated the dynamic that I was somehow defective. Dissociation was a key tool I used to accomplish this. When I could get clear with my part in my participation in this dynamic is when I started to find a way out.
I just came out of therapy after living with a sorry excuse for a father. The three pillars are perfect. It perfectly describes what I have just gone through. I now see things for what they were and what they are. If the rest of the family can't keep up, that's their problem, not mine. Sorry Dr C E Main, you lose. I am free!
I would love a video that goes deep in the dynamics of a scapegoat and golden child sibling ship from childhood into adulthood. How it evolves between them. Will/can it ever be repaired? How it was doomed from the narcissistic abuse? Please and thank you!
I agree you ABSOLUTELY need distance.
One tiny plus of being a child emotional tampon is it helps you connect the dots at a later date. Yes, I was told frequently everyone (everyone!!!) was the font of all honesty and I'm an untrustworthy liar. To defy almost anyone was to defy the parent. Even as a child I knew this was manipulative bs. Ironically, most of the skills required to lie and manipulate were learned from the parent. A master class in the "art"!!!!
Hi, Jay. You made a really interesting comment in passing in this video. You said if one has been scapegoated in one's family growing up, but one internally rejected their projections of worthlessness, that one would not develop an identity as a result, as opposed to developing a self-flagellating identity by having internalised their projections. It would be super interesting to hear your elaborated description of this alternate developmental direction! I think I may have a sizeable amount of this myself.
Thanks for another great video!
@Millicient Aspinet To his credit, that has been my problem historically. With a lot of guidance and reflection, I do know who I am now.
I was the third child and only girl of a very toxic narcissist father. I remember the exact moment. My dad was verbally abusing me (my mom was not at home, of course), calling me names, etc. And I was suddenly shocked to a standstill at his vitriol. I suddenly thought, “wait a minute” - “I have family who love me (not my immediate) and I have friends. Lots of friends. And they love me. He’s the ONLY one who says I’m a loser, I’m unlovable, etc etc.” I realized in that moment he was an asshole and he was wrong. I was 16.
I left at 18 and never again lived within 1,000 miles of them.
I've commented this before, but it's worth saying again, you so perfectly describe the scapegoat experience and feelings, it's very validating, and has helped me start to separate the abuser voice (in my head) from my own voice. I've felt like i am somehow innately terrible, but now I know why that feeling is there, and where it comes from. Thank you 🤧🙏🤯
Thank you Jay! You are appreciated.
Im freshly on the recovery journey ,after repressed memories of my beatings ,both physically and emotionally..as far back as i can remember.i remember fearing for my safety at age 3. I kinda moun in the 3rd person for that poor little boy
My mom is 88 years old and still holding me responsible for her pain and life and everyone else it seems gets a real life
i have to hear her constantly year after year if i try to get away she says she cant wait to go to heaven, can you imagine I’m responsible as long as i listen,
There was a little boy who told on his mother during court hearing
as a child but still looked at her with compassion as he passed her by at the court hearing wow my whole story
Thank you. I appreciate your videos. I was scapegoated growing up I had two older half siblings that were the only bullies in my life.Yet, people still try to project their issues/problems or they have an inability to live in reality. Due to the empathy factor within me, manipulators try to take advantage. Healing happens yet if there is one thing that life has taught me that it appears to be human nature to live in denial. 🤔❤🇺🇸
What is rarely talked about is the fact that scapegoat often become toxic, not talking about evil, manipulative but simply dysfunctional which usually will be expose in the very first serious relationship. All the things which were cumulating since childhood, being neglected, not prepared for life, love, job, nothing - will explode, and it will be NASTY.
There should be discussion about it as well, instead of pointing out narcs and their vices.
Scapegoat, regardless if they are genuine and empathetic are not flawless and when we finally recognize that we were brainwashed into internalizing false identity and role there must be also time, process of repenting our own mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior.
Also, it is sometimes very hard to forgive yourself not just heal from being betrayed but other things as well.
Hey
My name’s Kirsty
Thank you. After watching this video, I just feel so much relief. My brother gaslit me that I’m ‘ill’, in the context of why I don’t talk to my mother (the narcissist). And I felt I was made to feel the worthlessness that you speak of in this video.
This was really hard for me and was eating me up inside.
Your video has made me feel better.
I would have to not think about it. Never think any thoughts about him or mom for the fear of ending back with them being abused again. Because, it seems that the thoughts were in and of themselves, the danger to me. Because those thoughts and feelings were created by them to gaslight me.
Not being able to think about them for fear of torturing myself meant that I couldn’t exonerate myself and felt like I was destined to suffer forever.
Tho after watching this video and a couple of others of yours, I feel that you’ve done it for me. I feel that you’ve exonerated me.
Right now, I feel so different and at peace. I have hope for the future.
Thanks, so much.
My narc father used to repeat that I am mentally ill. (I am clearly NOT), at some point I was so gaslit, that in an act of despair I visited a psychiatrist to examine me to confirm or not my sanity. Girl, you are normal, you are OK person. It's not you. It's not even about you. It's them. Their evil tendencies. Their cruelty. Their cunning nature.
I have been the family scapegoat, abused and always blamed for everything. Because my bad childhood I developed mental illnessess and addiction.
I am already 18 yrs sober and a good citizen.
It is an eyeopener to discover these patterns.
The neighbours here try tot break me by bullying and stealing from me etc.etc.
I found Jesus and the strenght. Still it is a struggle tot live this life with the bullyies every day.
Thank you for great video's!
I had a malignant covert narcissistic mother . Ruminating constantly. Constantly fantasizing her murder. I’m rage and anger
Thank you once again Jay for your amazing work. I found that the first 'safe' person to talk to was my inner child. It was all i could trust! This has helped me so much it has not just been about me nurturing my inner child but that same child nurturing me as an adult letting me know who I am. I have found that this has really helped me on my journey towards regaining trust in myself and others 💖
Our identity and self worth is formed very early on in life. Unfortunately for our narcissistic mom, I had a fantastic Dad who instilled in me the confidence to always be me and never to tolerate nonsense. Conversely, sh is in her 80s and somehow still dishing out the warmongering scapegoating, triangulation etc to the others. It has been over two years since I withdrew from it all and will never go back.
This issue is far more common than people realise - I’ve lost count of how many clients/service users I encountered who’ve endured narcissistic abuse...
Can you change the low self esteem
Yes. Go right back to the beginning. Consider who you were before society/teachers/“caregiver”/employers/employers filled your head with nonsense about who THEY think you are...
The damage they've done to me and go out of their way to destroy me and portrayed me as the problem and the bad guy. They ruined my self-esteem, self-worth, my childhood, and personality. My peers would spread lies to my teacher about what I have done that wasn't truth, and my teacher sided with them by believing them and turning my mother against me. It was unforgivable for they have done with the passion to try to take me down.
My mother believes lies my teachers and peers would tell them about what I did .
I felt betrayed, helpless, powerless, and numb. I couldn't defend myself like my voice didn't matter. I was never being vindicated. My whole life, I always told that I am a horrible person and an awful student. Everyone I was threatened by me. Since then, I have had so much resentment.
I am angry because I let these cowards ruin my life and everything they took away from me. They took away my chance to enjoy life and be happy. I am angry with the fact that they got away from with it.
Thank you. I learn so much from all your videos and the abuse I suffered and how this cruelty affected my entire being, is becoming more clear. I am happily in no contact with my mother and the flying monkeys, my two siblings. Slowly but surely my sense of the goodness and kindness of myself is manifesting. I have one last Narcissist in my life who I can't completely be rid of yet namely, my children's dad. But I have gained psychological and physical distance from this man. Every day is a new opportunity to build my self-esteem and finding that safe haven inside me. Your messages are all inspiring and validating. I constantly remind myself of the three pillars of recovery. I attend 12 step meetings where I have friends accompanying me on my journey.
I didn’t find my parents did this to me… but rather siblings and cousins. My parents always encouraged me to follow my dreams… but I really felt/still feel that a lot of family judge/make fun of me behind my back. Parents are now gone… so I’ve really put distance between me and the family. Super hard because I feel loyal/obligated/angry/fearful/messed up. But I’m in my mid 50’s now… so if I don’t do the work now… then when??
I plan on watching every one of your +100 videos. You so get this. Your insight and knowledge about dynamics is life-saving. One thing I found particularly helpful to me was that the NECESSITY of a scapegoat to the narcissist. My mother's envy and treatment of me were so intense, it felt like she regarded me as breathing the air that was reserved for her. There was a crazed zombi-like quality, that they are single-mindedly driven to get your soul. This understanding helped me to realize a) no point to try to understand their rationale. Like the sayings "You can't reason someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into to begin with." b) It was never me.
Your comment is so helpful to me especially your saying your mother believed you were breathing the air that belonged to her. My mother believed I had sucked up her right to live so she had the right to suck up my right to live. I honestly believe that deep down in her soul, the only thing that would have made her make her truly happy would have been the pleasure she would receive when she finally got to kill me & got to see 😢me dead.
@@zendochip You are not alone in that belief. I had the same feeling and heard others said the same. I almost died as a fail-to-thrive baby. When I was in college, she locked me out of the car (and herself in) when I was approached by vagrants in the dark parking lot in the middle of the night. I hope you can stay away from her. Even if she doesn't actually kill you, she is dangerous to you.
In my family, I was seen as the golden child. But our father would double down on my brother and rotate his dominering criticism on the three girls. He would use me to make the two younger sisters feel like they had little talent ir character. But, they didn't know that he regularily used them as examples of how many character flaws ... and faith flaws I had. I never felt safe. That one mistake from total rejection was my reality. I called it "always being on approval". I was blamed for living far from home. I was blamed for my successes. I was blamed ... well, its really classic. We all have tumbled to the manipulation now that he is gone. But, I still worry about my brother. Sadly, we could see the wounds our dad carried, and how hard he tried to get us safely from that same harm. He just couldn't trust anyone to help him, so the wounds regularily festered and errupted against one of us. We all loved him to the end...and are talking amoung ourselves and with others to handle our children and grandchildren differently. Thanks for your videos. They are very well done.
Wow. For the longest time I have been trying to put into a few short words what I Dealt with from my Dad and His family . I never knew how to describe it without writing a book. So usually I just avoid even trying to tell my friends or romantic partners why I don't have Family. Thank you! I think I cried through out the whole video. I'm tearing up now. I never really been into the psychology videos . This is the first time in my 40 something years that is exact Bullseye. Maybe it's time to revisit this part of my life. Maybe some more Healing is needed.!? I am so Triggered 🤔
After yrs of abuse I'm finally giving myself the childhood I never had but always deserved
I find in recovery that the greatest obstacle to deal with and overcome is other narcissists that you meet in every day life. Say, in the work place or other social setting. Because I became aware of the way narcissists operate, I became very switched on to the narcs around me. And having done so, I found myself repelled and disgusted by them. I could see how they were manipulating others, lying and scheming and stealing while playing the martyr. The most obvious ones are the ones who start off with a sob story and go on to talk continously (and basically lie) about all the great things they've done. The worst types in my experience (and I've met 3 of them) are the ones that start by telling you they were orphans. These narcs are insidious. They are totally destructive. My advice, run for the hills!
The sad thing is, they are so loved by everyone! because they are "the good guys"
Hey Jay, thank you so so much for these videos! I grew up with two malignant narcissistic parents as the scapegoat and it's been an overwhelming mountain towards recovery. All the ways it's effected my head has made me completely dependent on others as my family kept me stunted in my development to take care of myself. I'm working hard now in therapy and group therapy, but your videos also offer guidance, strength, and validation. If I can make a request, my best friend and partner recently had asked me if there are certain things they need to know to help or support me better, so I was curious if you would be able to do a video for those safe people in our lives (who may find it difficult to understand this abuse and how it effects one) on information that might be helpful to know, what to be mindful of, how to approach things, tips to offer support, etc. Thank you again!
WOW!!..I could've written this!
Learning about (CEN)... Childhood Emotional Neglect helped me tremendously!
It's definitely not your fault!
Stay strong and safe! 🙏
@@southernbawselady7092 thank you for the encouragement! I wish the same for you as well!